Tag: Monologue

James Franco Audience Questions Monologue

James Franco

Seth Rogan

Jonah Hill

Steve Martin

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, James Franco.

[James Franco walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

James Franco: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Great to be back here hosting SNL. This is my 4th time hosting. [cheers and applause] Which is the most you can do without it being special. When you host it five times, you get a jacket. But the 4th time here, they don’t even write you a monologue. They just throw you out here and make you take questions from the audience. So, here we go. yes, you sir.

[Cut to a man in audience]

Man: Yeah, I got a question. What time is it? They made me turn my phone off.

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: What time is it? That’s really your question?

[Cut to the man]

Man: Yeah. My hand wasn’t up. You just pointed at me and I panicked.

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: Okay. Does anyone have any real questions?

[Cut to a girl in the audience]

Girl: My question is, [Seth Rogan is behind the girl. He is trying to hide from James Franco] do you feel like your career has an over arching theme? Or do you just move from project to project and only look for a theme in retrospect?

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: I’m sorry. That’s really great question. Uh, is that Seth Rogan sitting behind you? [cheers and applause] Seth, what’s going on, man? You’re just here in the audience to watch me host the show? Or what?

[Cut to Seth Rogan]

Seth Rogan: Um, no. Honestly, I’m just here to see the show in general. I didn’t realize you were hosting it.

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: So, you’re just– you’re just here?

[Cut to Seth Rogan]

Seth Rogan: Yeah. I put my name in the lottery for SNL tickets and this is the week I got. It was just totally random. Luckily, I’m a huge SZA fan. So, it worked out.

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: Yeah. That’s really interesting coz I asked early in the week if you’d come by and do a sketch with me and you told me, [mocking] “Sorry, I have something.”

[Cut to Seth Rogan]

Seth Rogan: Yeah. I did have something. I had SNL tickets. They’re really hard to get. People line up outside all night trying to get them and I got them.

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: Okay. Well, that’s great. Thanks so much. Ma’am, for you question, thank you.

[Cut to the girl]

Girl: You never answered my question.

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: Okay, next question.

[Cut to Seth Rogan. He is holding a woman’s hand up who is sitting beside him]

Seth Rogan: Um, yeah. This woman here has a question. Yeah. She wants to know how come you’ve hosted four times and Seth Rogan has only hosted twice?

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: Okay. Um, well, why don’t you ask Seth, ma’am, why the movies I do on my own like ‘127 Hours’ get nominated for Oscars and the movies I do with Seth gets nominated for ‘Stoner Awards?’

[Cut to Seth Rogan]

Seth Rogan: Okay. Well, why don’t you tell James that they’re called ‘Stonies,’ which is a hilarious play on the word “Tony’s.” And that they are as prestigious as an Oscar. Plus, when you win, you get  bag of weed.

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: Alright, Seth, I’m sorry. There’s a rule that only one stoner can host in a season. And that’s me. And that’s who everyone’s here to see. Okay?

[Cut to Seth Rogan and the woman. Jonah Hill walks in.]

Jonah Hill: Sorry, you’re in my seat.

Seth Rogan: Yeah. Excuse me, my friend’s here now. Sorry about that.

[The woman walks away and Jonah Hill takes the seat]

Hey, man.

[cheers and applause]

Jonah Hill: Sorry, I’m late. Did I miss SZA?

Seth Rogan: No, no. Thank god. yeah.

Jonah Hill: Oh, okay. Cool. Who’s hosting?

Seth Rogan: Franco.

Jonah Hill: David Franco?

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: No, Johan. It’s me. Me. I’m hosting. Me.

[Cut to Seth Rogan and Jonah Hill]

Jonah Hill: Ah! Okay. People… wanna see that? Cool. Hey, Seth, you’ve only hosted twice, right?

Seth Rogan: Yeah. I know. Thank you.

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: Alright, guys. I don’t know what to tell you, alright? Um– [James Franco looks at the audience above] Why is Steve Martin here?

[Cut to Steve Martin in the audience]

[cheers and applause]

Steve Martin: James, James, I want you to know, I used to stand on that very spot right where you’re standing. I used to host Saturday Night Live. I used to be the center of attention. And I gotta say, I resent it. Just a little bit. I resent it this much.

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: Okay. Steve, what are you talking about? You’re a big star. You’re still hot. You’re still hot.

[Cut to Steve Martin]

Steve Martin: [yelling] Do I look hot?

[Cut to James Franco]

James Franco: Alright. We have a great show tonight. [Seth Rogan and Jonah Hill join him] SZA is here.

Seth Rogan: Yeah, SZA! SZA! SZA!

James Franco: Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Saoirse Ronan Monologue

Saoirse Ronan

Leslie Jones

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Saoirse Ronan.

[Saoirse Ronan walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Saoirse Ronan: Thank you. Thank you so much. It is so great to be here hosting the St. Patrick’s day episode of Saturday Night Live. Just a few months early. Yes, I am very Irish and I have an extremely Irish name. Some would say too Irish. It’s Saoirse. It means freedom. But I’ve got a little problem. You see, it spells– well, it’s spelled wrong. It’s a full typo. S-A-O-I-R-S-E. You can see why people have hard time. You know, if you were a wheel of fortune puzzle, you couldn’t afford this. There’s just too many vowels. God bless, no one has been able to pronounce my name. Like, not even close.

[Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie Jones: Hey, Cercie. Have a great show.

Saoirse Ronan: Oh! Thanks, Leslie. But it’s actually Saoirse.

Leslie Jones: Oh! Sushi?

Saoirse Ronan: No. It’s Saoirse, like an Ersha.

Leslie Jones: Oh! I got a cousin naming Ersha.

[Leslie Jones walks out]

Saoirse Ronan: Yeah, so you see what I mean? So, um, here’s an easy tune I made up as a little girl to help pronounce it.

[music playing]

[singing] It’s Saoirse with an ‘er’,
not Cercie with an ‘or’,
coz Cercie goes with ‘or’, not ‘er’
it’s ‘shh’ instead of ‘iss’,
‘uh’ instead of ‘ii’,
simple as can be,
see, ‘Saoirse Ronan’

[music stops]

See? Easy. So easy.

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Hey, girl. How are you doing?

Saoirse Ronan: Oh, hey, Kate. You’ve come to sing the song with me?

Kate McKinnon: No. Honey, the song is not as helpful as you think it is. Okay? You might be the only person who can pronounce the name.

Saoirse Ronan: Oh, please, Kate. Just try the song with me.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, lovely bones. I can’t say no to you. Alright, let’s go.

[music playing]

Saoirse Ronan and Leslie Jones: It’s Saoirse with an ‘er’,
not Cercie with an ‘or’,
coz Cercie goes with ‘or’, not ‘er’
it’s ‘shh’ instead of ‘iss’,
‘uh’ instead of ‘ii’,
simple as can be,
see, ‘Saoirse Ronan’

Saoirse Ronan: Wow, Kate. You really got it there.

Kate McKinnon: Of course, I got it. I’m fluent in nonsense. It’s my sixth season. Do you know how many raccoons I’ve played in this show?

[Kate McKinnon walks out. Aidy Bryant walks in.]

Aidy Bryant: Well, hey there.

Saoirse Ronan: Aidy!

Aidy Bryant: You know, I just wanted you to know that I can say your name because I am also Irish. Just in the sense that my teeth are super soft and I think salt is spicy, and I always leave without saying goodbye.

Saoirse Ronan: Oh, okay. Well, let’s try this.

[music playing]

It’s– [Aidy Bryant walks out]

She’s gone. She’s gone. She really did the Irish goodbye there. Which just so you all understand is not an actual Irish tradition. It’s just quite rude.

[Beck Bennett walks in]

Beck Bennett: Hey, Sorges.

Saoirse Ronan: Oh! Hey, Beck, it’s atually–

Beck Bennett: You know, people mess up my name all the time too. So, I made up a little song on my own.

[music playing]

[singing] It’s Beck with a B
and Beck with and E
and Beck with a C
It’s Beck!

Saoirse Ronan: That… was… It was lovely. Um, I don’t think you spelled that quite right, but well done. How about all just try on my song together? Yes?

[Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant join them]

Saoirse Ronan, Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant: [singing] It’s Saoirse with an ‘er’,
not Cercie with an ‘or’,  (Beck with a B)
coz Cercie goes with ‘or’, not ‘er’ (Beck with an A)
it’s ‘shh’ instead of ‘iss’,
‘uh’ instead of ‘ii’, (Beck with a C)
simple as can be,

[Leslie Jones runs in]

Leslie Jones: It’s Ersha!

Saoirse Ronan: We have got a great show for you tonight. ULeslie Jones is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Chance-giving monologue

Chance the Rapper

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chance The Rapper.

[Chance The Rapper walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Chance The Rapper: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am so happy to be here hosting SNL. I’ve been here before as a musical guest, but this is the first time I’ve had to like, talk and stuff. So, we’ll see how it goes. I don’t have anything to promote tonight. The only thing I’m here to celebrate is thanksgiving. And in that spirit, in that spirit of giving, I pledge to give $1 million to Chicago’s public schools. Thank you. Thank you. The only problem is, I talked to my accountant and I do not have it. So, I need to make some money very fast. But then I realized there’s no good thanksgiving songs. And you can make some serious cash off a holiday hit. Mariah Carey is at that tree lighting every year singing ‘All I want for Christmas is you’. And it’s not coz she loves giant trees. It’s coz she loves having a third assistant whose only job is to yell at her second assistant. [music playing] So, tonight, I want to become the Mariah Carey of thanksgiving. And I want my song to honor what’s truly special about this holiday, how it’s the one time a year you invite all of your relatives to dinner, even the ones you can’t stand. So to all you outcasts and wierdos in the family, this one’s for you.

[singing] It’s thanksgiving time
the one day a year
when you invite the folks
that you normally fear
it’s thanksgiving time
when you are forced to see
every single bad apple
on your whole family tree

[Kate and Cecily walk in dancing]

Kate and Cecily: [singing] Yeah, you are technically related
but they don’t share you dreams

Chance The Rapper: They’re your cousin in laws
whatever that means

Kate and Cecily: They won’t be at your wedding
you don’t know their full name

Chance The Rapper: One is a failed magician
and the other’s just insane

[Kate and Cecily walk out]

It’s thanksgiving time
no one said it would be fun

[Leslie walks in with a bag, and shows Chance The Rapper a handgun]

like when your aunt Shavonne
showed you a gun

your niece is gonna cry
about how no one is woke
and that’s the exact time
your uncle decides to tell a Cosby joke

It’s thanksgiving time
so say goodbye to all the rules
your uncle brought his oxygen
and he’s chain smoking kools

[Kate and Cecily walk in dancing]

All: It’s thanksgiving time
they’re a total train wreck
but on this day
they gone get our respect

[Kate and Cecily walk out]

Chance The Rapper: And of course, we can’t forget the real heroes of thanksgiving , the turkeys. Can I get an amen?

[Cut to turkeys wearing priest robes]

Turkies: Amen.

Chance The Rapper: I said, can I get an amen?

Turkies: Amen.

Chance The Rapper: Can I get a drum-stick?

Turkies: Hell, no!

[Cut to Chance The Rapper]

Chance The Rapper: I tried. Come on.

[Kate and Cecily walk in dancing]

All: It’s thanksgiving time
and we’re all on one side
except for the turkeys
who are all gonna die

[Kate and Cecily walk away]

Chance The Rapper: It’s thanksgiving time
get out the carving knife
your uncle showed up with a woman
who is not his wife

And I apologize
for causing such a fuss
because now all your relatives are gonna say,
“Is that song about us?”

And you can tell them
you can tell them

[SNL cast joins Chance The Rapper on the stage]

All: It’s thanks giving time
it’s only one day a year
so just drink the red wine

and eight to ten beers.

and let everyone
and you crazy aunt to see
Chance The Rapper: Coz it’s stuffing and loving and cousins and ovens and belt notch and Justin.

All: It’s thanksgiving time.

[Music stops]

[cheers and applause]

Chance The Rapper: we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Eminem is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

Tiffany Haddish Monologue

Tiffany Haddish

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tiffany Haddish.

[Tiffany Haddish walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Tiffany Haddish: Whoo! Ah! This is an amazing night. I’m so happy to be here. You may know me from a movie called ‘Girls Trip’ that came out this past summer. Star Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Regina Hall and me, Tiffany Haddish. Now, this movie made over $100 million plus. Okay? And I’m trying to figure out where is my cut of money coz I have not seen it at all yet. And all my friends are telling me, “Tiffany, you a star now. You big time. You balling out of control.” And I’m looking at my bank account like, “Uh-huh.” They say, “Google yourself.” So, I google myself, ‘Tiffany Haddish celebrity ne2rk.’ And it was said I was worth $2 million, y’all. But I ain’t seen this money? Where is this $2 million? What do I got to get this $2 million? Do I need to fake my death? Like, do I got to Tupac this and move to Tyler Perry island? Y’all know Tyler Perry got an island, right?

But, honestly though, before I was in ‘Girls Trip’, I grew up in foster care. I want to thank everybody who paid taxes between 1990 and 1999 because if you wouldn’t have paid your taxes, I wouldn’t be standing here. So, thank you. Thank you. I lived in a lot of group homes. My favorite show growing up was ‘SNL’. That’s my favorite thing to watch. You have no idea how difficult it is to get a bunch of black and hispanic kids to watch ‘SNL’ over ‘In Living Color.’ Okay? Try to convince them that Dana Carvy is just as funny as Damon Wayans was a problem. I got stabbed twice, y’all, in a bunk bed. That’s why I don’t mess with bunk beds to this day. I don’t mess with them. They scare me.

They told me I should talk about something that’s going on in the world. Politics, hot topics. Here’s the thing, I don’t really pay attention to the news or anything. All my news comes from a beauty shop. When I get my hair done, I find out what was going on in the world. And women talking about a lot of different stuff. They were talking about in a beauty shop just the other day. About Donald Trump. And we were saying, “Damn! Who is doing Donald Trump’s wig? His face fronts are off the chain! His hair is looking all good for sleepy kind of president. What kind of glue is he using? Coz when the wind blow, it don’t even move or nothing. That’s good hair right there.”

And we’ve been talking about the whole sexual harassment stuff that’s been going on. And look here, okay guys. Fellas, I got a tip for y’all. I like to call it Tiffany’s tips. It’s a Tif’s tip. Listen fellas, listen. Okay? If you got your thing out and she got all her clothes on, you’re wrong. You’re in the wrong. [cheers and applause] Wait until she takes her own clothes off, then pull your thing out. Okay?

Speaking of men getting in trouble and stuff this past few months, I shot a movie with Kevin Hart this summer, okay? And Kevin came up to me one day and said, “Tiffany, you have been to Thailand, China, Japan. You went to Florida. You wen to Texas. You was in San Francisco, Los Angeles. And you did all that in a same day?” I was like, “No, Kevin. It took me two years to go all those places.” He was like, “Really? Because I went on your Instagram and you was wearing the same outfit in all those different places.” And here’s the thing. That’s what I can’t stand about the internet coz it’s messing with my fashion game. I feel like I should be able to wear what I want when I want, however many times I want as I paid for them. What? Like this dress, [mentioning the dress she’s wearing] I wore it on the Red Carpet for the ‘Girls Trip’ movie debut. And my whole team, they told me, “Tiffany, you cannot wear that dress on ‘SNL’. You already wore it. It’s taboo to wear it twice.” And I said, “I don’t give a dang about no taboo. I spent a lot of money on this dress. This dress cost way more than my mortgage. This is a Alexander McQueen, okay? This is a $4,000 dress. I’m gonna wear this dress multiple times. Okay?” Real talk? You might see this dress in two sketches tonight. If somebody invites me to a bar of bat mitzvah, guess what I’m going to wear? This Alexander McQueen dress. If somebody invites me to all black party, guess what I’m wearing? This all white dress. If another man asks me to marry him, if I ever get married again, and yes, I’ve married before. People are always shocked when I say that like, “Tiffany, you were married?” Yes, I’m a beautiful woman, okay? I might get married two or three more times. I might Elizabeth Taylor this thing. You don’t know. But if another man asks me to marry him, guess what I’m wearing? This dress. And shoot! Don’t invite me to your party coz I’ll probably wear this dress to it too.

And if I die, which I hope I never do, I hope I live forever. But if I die and even if I become fat as hell, if I’m the biggest fat, I don’t care, when I’m laying in that casket, guess what’s going to be laying on top of my fat ass body? This dress.

Now, if somebody invited me to a baptist church and they say they want me to participate in the praise and worship dance, I’m waring this dress to the church and I am gonna dance my butts off, buddy. And I’m going to show you how I’m going to do it. Band, kick that thing.

[band playing music]

[Tiffany Haddish is dancing around]

We are gonna have a great show tonight. Taylor Swift is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back. I’m Tiffany Haddish.

Larry David Stand Up Monologue

Larry David

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Larry David.

[Larry David walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Larry David: Alright, that’s enough. That’s enough. That’s enough. You tolerate me. You really, really tolerate me. Look at this, what a wonderful greeting. What a beautiful greeting. [cheers and applause] It’s nice to be in New York. You know, I used to live here for many years. And I had nothing. I was a total loser. In fact, I used to walk around outside looking for spots to live in for when I became homeless. Once I found a spot with a ventilator with heat coming out. I though, “Oh, my god. I struck gold. I got to put a deposit down on this place.”

For a while, I was a private chauffeur for an old woman who was kind of blind. She was blind as a bat. Let’s face it. I cannot say enough wonderful things about the blind boss. You can really get away with murder. The car was filthy. There was bird poop all over it. She had no idea.

You know, I didn’t date much at that time. And I was very desperate. Yet, I was also very particular. It’s an odd combination. You know? I had that common with Quasimodo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame who like me also had nothing to offer, yet was extremely particular, very superficial. He had to go out with the best looking woman in Paris. Nobody else was good enough for Quasimodo. His friends would try to fix him up. “Quasi, there is a great girl in my office. Lovely girl. Wonderful personality. She’s a gifted pianist, a gourmet chef. I think you two would really hit it off.” [acting like Quasimodo] “Is she good looking? She’s gotta be good looking.” “Is she good looking? Quasi, listen to me. I told her about the hump. She’s cool with the hump. And I told her how hideous your face is and how deformed and grotesque you are. You know what she said? ‘I don’t care. It’s fine. Who cares about all that stuff? It’s all superficial, as long as he’s nice to me. That’s what’s important.'” [acting like Quasimodo] “Does she have big jugs? I like me some big jugs. Got to have big ones.” “Listen to me, you’re mutant, you’re a monster. You’re a freak!” [acting like Quasimodo] “You’re not going to fix me with some dog.”

The big difference in dating now is that I used to keep a condom in my wallet. Now I just have a little booklet listing which fish have the highest mercury content. Really cool guy. If you want to seal the deal, whip out that little booklet on a dinner date. “Oh, hey, look at this. We can get the flounder, huh? Who else can tell you to get flounder? Do I take care of you or what?”

I think I’m doing quite well. [cheers and applause] Alright, shut up. So, you know, a lot of sexual harassment stuff in the news up late. And I couldn’t help but notice a very disturbing pattern of emerging which is that many of the predators, not all, but many of them [hesitates to speak] are Jews. And I have three words to say to that. “Oy vey zmir.” I don’t like it when Jews are in the headlines for notorious reasons. I want “Einstein discovers the theory of relativity.” “Salk cures polio.” What I don’t want? “Weinstein took it out.” I know I consistently strive to be a good jewish representative. [applause] When people see me, I want them to say, “Oh, there goes a fine Jew for you. There’s a fine Jew. Margaret, come here. Come here. I want you to meet this wonderful Jew. Nothing stereotypical about him. If not for the self deprecation and the irritable bowel syndromes, you would never know in a million years.”

You know, I’ve always been obsessed with women. And I have often wondered if I had grown up in Poland when Hitler came to power and was sent to a concentration camp, would I still be checking out women in the camp? I think I would. “Hey, slo-mo. Slo-mo. Look at that one from Barrack C. Oh my god, is she gorgeous? I have my eye on her for weeks. Yeah. I’d like to go up and say something to her.” Of course, the problem is, there are no good opening lines in a concentration camp. “How’s it going? They treating you okay? You know, if we ever get out of here, I’d love to take you out for some latkes. Do you like Latkes? Huh? What? What did I say? Is it me or is it the whole thing? It’s coz I’m bald, isn’t it?”

Anyway, we have got a great show for you tonight. Miley Cyrus is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Kumail Nanjiani Stand Up Monologue

Kumail Nanjiani

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kumail Nanjiani.

[Kumail Nanjiani walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Kumail Nanjiani: Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Haha. I’m hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’ right now. That is what is happening. I’m so excited. I can’t believe I’m here. I remember, since I was a little kid in Pakistan, I remember on Saturday nights, my whole family would get together and watch ‘Star Trek’. We didn’t get ‘Saturday Night Live.’ This is awesome. Um, I had a movie earlier this summer called ‘The Bic Sick’. [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Um, people who don’t know, ‘The Big Sick’ is the true story of the first year of the relationship between my eventual wife and I, and my wife Emily is a white American person. And my parents wanted me to marry a Muslim Pakistani person. Things didn’t quite go their way– I’m getting ahead of myself. I was the second person from my family to leave Pakistan and come to the west. I had an uncle decades before me who was going to Scotland and the Nanjianis were very excited. And they were like, “Hey, remember the deal. Be good.” And he was like, “Yeah. Got it.” And then he got to Scotland, fell in love with a white woman, married her and the Nanjianis were like, “Never again. Let’s regroup. Let’s tighten this up.” And then for decades, nobody left. The next person who left was me 40 years later. I came to America, fell in love with a white woman, married her, and then made a movie about it. Just to rub it in their face. Nanjiani-0, white women-2. When I called my mom to tell her, she wasn’t even upset. She was like, “You know what? This time, shame on us.”

The movie was well received, mostly. I read everything online which don’t do that. I read a guy said, “I watched the whole movie. I just don’t like race mixing thing.” Yeah. First of all, nobody good ever uses the phrase “race mixing”. Even if someone was like, “I’m pro-race-mixing,” I’d be like, “Why are you talking like that? Are you an undercover KKK dragon?” The other thing, why did you watch the whole movie? Were you hoping for a twist at the end? did you think at the end I’d rip off my mask like, “Ha-ha, it’s me, Chris Pine. I am a white person.” The only thing worth mixing is frisbee and golf. Let’s go eat some ranch dressing.

My twitter mentions were a little bit of a nightmare after the movie. A lot of people were like, “Go back to India!” Which I have never been to India. Or were you just hoping I have an awesome vacation soon? Here’s my fantasy. This is my fantasy. My fantasy is when someone’s racist to me, I want to danger to befall them immediately. And then I want to rescue them just to see the confused look on their face. Like, I want them to be like, “Go back to India. Ha-ha. Wolves!” And then I fight off the wolves and they’re like, “We were racist to you and you still saved us.” and I go, “That is the way of my people.”

Islamophobia is really on the rise right now. It never went away but it’s really having a moment right now. Islamophobia is kind of like ‘Will and grace’. You know. It was a huge a while ago, then it was gone and we thought it was done but now it’s back and bigger than ever. Thursdays on NBC. They make me say that.

I saw a guy be like, “Of course all muslims are sexist. The Quran says women can’t drive.” Yeah, pretty sure the Quran never said that. Because if the Quran had said women can’t drive cars 1400 years ago, I would be at the mosque right now and so would all of you. Because that would mean the Quran predicted cars. If 1400 years ago, the Quran was like, “Some day there will be metallic box that will carry you wherever you want. And it will have four wheels. And you will have to put gasoline in it. And it will have a little speedometer to tell you how fast you are going. And it will have a bluetooth connection. And women shouldn’t drive it.” I would be like, “I know two things for sure. Islam is the only true religion and women shouldn’t drive.” [applause]

I am so glad you laughed at that coz otherwise it sounds like I’m just giving a divisive speech. “Islam is the only true religion and women shouldn’t drive.” That will definitely be the quote on the internet tomorrow.

Sikh people get attacked all the time for being Muslim. Spoiler alert, they’re not. But they’re brown and they wear turbans so people attack them for being Muslim. Which must put them in such an awkward position because they’re like, “I”m not Muslim. Not that you should attack Muslims. But if you’re looking to attack Muslims, which you shouldn’t, I’m not one. There is a Muslim right over there. Don’t attack him. Unless somebody’s definitely getting attacked, in which case, get it right, which is wrong.”

Which brings me to my problem with most racism. Here is my problem with most racism. It’s the inaccuracy. That’s what bugs me. I’m like, “Do the research! Put in work! You will see the benefits.” I’ll give you an example. If someone yells at me, “Go back to India,” I’d be like, “That guy’s an idiot.” But if someone was like, “Go back to Pakistan which was part of India until 1947 and is now home to the world’s world’s oldest salt mine,” I would be like, “that guys seems to know what he’s talking about. I’ll pack my bags.” Just because you’re racist doesn’t mean you have to be ignorant. And informed racist is a better racist.

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Pink is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Gal Gadot Monologue

Gal Gadot

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Gal Gadot.

[Gal Gadot walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Gal Gadot: Thank you. Thank you so much. Wow! I’m so happy to be here. Thank you. I’m so happy to be here. Okay, yes, I know I have an accent. Obviously I’m not from here. That’s right. I’m from Albuquerque. No, just kidding. I grew up in Israel. And this is so exciting for me because tonight’s show is being broadcast live in Israel for the very first time ever.

[cheers and applause]

Hi, ma. Hi, Abba. And I actually have a quick message for the rest of my friends and family back home. So, excuse me. [speaking foreign language]

Subtitle reading: Hi everybody. I just want to let you know that this might be a big mistake. The writers here clearly know nothing about Israel. In every sketch they have me eating hummus. I mean, I like hummus, but come on. They’re nice, but they’re not very sophisticated. I think they believe that I’m actually Wonder Woman. So good luck to me. I’m hoping for the best.

Gal Gadot: Now, most of you know me as Wonder Woman. And I loved doing the movie because it inspired so many young girls to be their own heroes.

[Leslie Jones walks in wearing Wonder Woman costume]

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Tell me about it. Yeah. We really do inspire people, don’t we?

Gal Gadot: [laughing] I’m sorry, who are you?

Leslie Jones: I’m the Time Square’s Wonder Woman. You know how you take picture with young girls who look up to you? I do the same with German tourists.

Gal Gadot: Oh, wait. Like, the Time Square Elmo?

Leslie Jones: Um, yeah. But Elmo’s a freak. Any time you see one of his costume arms hanging down limp, he’s up to something.

Gal Gadot: Got it. Got it.

Leslie Jones: Okay, I just wanted to tell you that I’m a big fan and I love how you portrayed our character in the ‘Wonder Woman’ movie. I just saw it on DVD.

Gal Gadot: Oh! So you didn’t get to go to the theater to see the movie?

Leslie Jones: Well, the DVD I bought was shot in the theater. But the important thing is we are an inspiration to women everywhere.

Gal Gadot: That’s right. Women can be any kind of Wonder Woman they want to be.

Leslie Jones: Damn right.

Gal Gadot: My Wonder Woman has bracelets to stop bullets.

Leslie Jones: Um. And I’ve got bracelet that tells the paramedics what blood type is.

Gal Gadot: I have an invisible jet.

Leslie Jones: Oh. And I got a fake handicap sticker that makes my car invisible to meter maids.

Gal Gadot: Um, I have a lasso that makes people tell you the truth.

Leslie Jones: And bitch, I got vodka. Let’s take a selfie. You know, us Wonder Women got to stick together. Yeah. Can I get $5?

Gal Gadot: What?

Leslie Jones: Ha-ha. You give it to me later. I just love you.

Gal Gadot: Oh, we got a great show for you tonight. Sam Smith is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Ryan Gosling Jazz Monologue

Ryan Gosling

Kenan Thompson

Emma Stone

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Gosling.

[Ryan Gosling walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Ryan Gosling: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so honored to be here hosting SNL again. It’s my second time. It’s the season premiere. Jay-Z is here. I mean, I haven’t felt this excited since I saved Jazz. [audience laughing] You guys know I saved Jazz, right? I mean I did this movie La La Land and then everyone was saying that I saved jazz. I guess it was dying and I saved it. But more importantly, I have a movie coming out called Blade Runner 2049 with Harrison Ford. [cheers and applause] Yes, it’s very exciting. It opens in a week. And yes, for those of you who are curious, I was the last person who thought he would save jazz. I mean I was like, “Me, Ryan Gosling, all like a white kid from Canada, I guess I can try and save jazz.” So, I did. Anyway, that’s beside the point.

The first day of shooting on Blade Runner, I met Harrison Ford and he walks right up to me and he looks me right in the eye and he says, “Ryan, what the heck is jazz?” Well, let me unpack that a little for you, Harrison.

[Ryan Gosling takes a seat to play the piano]

[cheers and applause]

I learned this jazz on the movie. It’s like music in motion. The notes are talking to each other and giving each other a little kiss. But sometimes, notes get into fights and this one stops talking to that one. And then this one is like, “Screw you guys, I’m doing my own thing.” But you know what? They always make up. [Ryan Gosling lights up a cigarette using his both hands, but the piano is still playing] Now, jazz was born in New Orleans or as it’s correctly pronounced, Nerlens. And then from Nerlens– From Nerlens they moved on to Chicagi and then to NYC city. And let me tell you, jazz was the thing. Jazz was where it was at. And then it almost died and I saved it.

The budget for Blade Runner was insane. It was like 9 billion. 9 billion. As many notes as there are in jazz. But jazz isn’t just about the notes you play. It’s about, the notes you don’t play. You know what I mean? I’m so glad I saved jazz.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, what’s up, man?

Ryan Gosling: Oh, hey, Kenan.

[Kenan Thompson pulls Ryan Gosling to the stage away from piano]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah.

Ryan Gosling: What’s up?

Kenan Thompson: Just would love to chat with you in private a little bit. Yeah, we’re done with that. Thanks. Dude, what are you doing out here? You talking about jazz and Chicai and Nerlens, and nobody wants to hear you do that.

[Kenan Thompson pulls the cigarette out of Ryan Gosling’s mouth]

Ryan Gosling: Said the guy who didn’t save jazz.

Kenan Thompson: You didn’t save jazz. It was sarcasm. It was a joke.

Ryan Gosling: Well, I don’t care, Kenan. Because jazz is all about going with the flow, and this is the flow I’m feeling right now.

Kenan Thompson: Well, you are a bad ambassador for jazz.

[Kenan Thompson walks away]

Ryan Gosling: [pointing at the band] These guys know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Huh? Come on, hit it.

[the band start playing jazz music]

You see, the sax is ripping with the guitars. Hold on. Guys, guys, guys. Quiet, quiet, quiet, please, please. The thing is if you play jazz that loud, then people can’t hear me talking about jazz. That’s what we’re all here for, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

[Emma Stone walks in]

Emma Stone: Hey, hey! Ryan! Ryan! [cheers and applause] Can I speak to you for just a second?

Ryan Gosling: Emma, didn’t you hear? I just jazz good with the guys.

Emma Stone: Yeah. I did. You jazz fine. What are you doing? Ryan, you didn’t save jazz. How many times  have we talked about this?

Ryan Gosling: A lot.

Emma Stone: Yeah. A lot. Because you didn’t save jazz. We saved jazz. [Emma Stone takes a puff of a cigarette]

[cheers and applause]

Isn’t that right, NYC city?

Ryan Gosling: You’re right. [band playing music] We’ve got a great show for you tonight.

Emma Stone: Jay-Z is here.

Ryan Gosling: So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Dwayne Johnson Five-Timers Monologue

Dwayne Johnson

Alec Baldwin

Tom Hanks

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dwayne Johnson.

[Dwayne Johnson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Dwayne Johnson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Ou! I know Thank you. It has been so great to be here hosting the season finale of ‘Saturday Night Live’. [cheers and applause] And tonight is extra special for me because this is my 5th time hosting this amazing show.[cheers and applause] So, thank you guys so much. But, you know, I really don’t want to make big deal about it.

[Alec Baldwin walks in]

Alec Baldwin: And yet, we must.

Dwayne Johnson: Alec, my friend! Um, weren’t you just in the Cold Open?

Alec Baldwin: Oh, it’s never enough doing that. What a season it’s been for me. But tonight is not about me. It’s about you. I’m here to officially welcome you into the five timers’ club. [snaps his fingers] Shall we?

[cheers and applause]

[Alex Moffat brings in the 5 timers’ robe and puts it on Dwayne Johnson. It’s the same robe as Alec is wearing.]

Dwayne Johnson: Wow! Thank you. See? Thank you so much. It is an honor to get this from you. And I gotta tell you, Alec. You have been amazing playing the president this year.

Alec Baldwin: I can’t take all the credit. I have to thank the– um– [snapping his fingers] what do you call those pale people who take the subway?

Dwayne Johnson: Um, writers.

Alec Baldwin: Yes, them. I love them.

Dwayne Johnson: Well, you know, Alec, it’s funny. You know? A lot of people have been telling me lately that, well, I should fun for president of the United States. Yes, yes. And I gotta tell you, it’s very flattering. But tonight, I want to put that to rest and just say once and for all, I’m in!

[cheers and applause]

Yes! Starting tonight, I am running for president of the United States. Yes. And I gotta tell you. I have already chosen my running mate. [pointing at Alec Baldwin] He is also in the five timers’ club. And like me, he is very well liked, charming, universally adored by pretty much every human alive.

Alec Baldwin: Dwayne, I would be honored to–

Dwayne Johnson: Mr. Tom Hanks, ladies and gentlemen.

[Tom Hanks walks in wearing the same five timers’ robe. Alec Baldwin is embarrassed.]

[cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Stop! Stop! Dwayne! Dwayne! I could not possibly turn this down. I will do it. I am in. Let’s go!

Dwayne Johnson: We’re in.

Alec Baldwin: Yes! Yes. I will be in the cabinet.

Dwayne Johnson: No!

Alec Baldwin: Because all three of us are equally beloved. Not a single black mark on any of our public personas.

Tom Hanks: Yeah, sure. Hey, Alec, I think I saw Lorne talking to your wife.

Alec Baldwin: I’m gonna break that son of a bitch’s neck! [Alec Baldwin runs towards the studio]

Tom Hanks: Happens every time.

Dwayne Johnson: Yes. It happens every time. Yes. Yes. Now, in the past, I never would have considered running for president. I didn’t think I was qualified. But now, I’m actually worried that I’m too qualified.

Tom Hanks: Well, the truth is, America needs us. No one can seem to agree on anything anymore except for two things…

Dwayne Johnson: Pizza and us.

Tom Hanks: And us. I mean, I have been in two movies where a plane crashes and people are still excited to see me on their flight.

Dwayne Johnson: That’s true. That’s true. It’s very true. That’s true. True story. You know, and I one time ran a red light and the traffic cam footage alone made a billion dollars. Tom, I think we’re unstoppable.

Tom Hanks: Dwayne, together we would get 100% of the vote. I would get the senior vote, because I fought in World War II in like, 10 different movies.

Dwayne Johnson: Yes. Yes. And I of course would get the minority vote because everyone just assumes that I’m, well, whatever they are.

Tom Hanks: You’re Portuguese.

Dwayne Johnson: I am. Ha-ha-ha.

Tom Hanks: Plus, between us, we could handle any crisis. If god forbid, we could go to war, I can assure the nation…

[music playing]

…we will sacrifice and we will suffer, but in the end we will win because we are the Americans and that is what Americans do.

Dwayne Johnson: That is amazing. That is amazing. That’s amazing. And if god forbid, California splits off and falls into the ocean, well, that’s my area.

[music playing]

Dammit! If I don’t get down to the fault line and detonate the warhead the entire state is going to sink! Fuel up the submarine and tell the secret service to pack my trunks. The president’s going for a swim.

[cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Man, there was a lot going on there.

Dwayne Johnson: There is. It’s how I roll, Hanksy. Yeah. But listen, America, before you get too excited, this isn’t real. Tom and I are joking.

Tom Hanks: Yeah. I just wanted to be on TV with Dwayne.

Dwayne Johnson: [laughing] Yes. Well, you know, it’s just that when it comes to politics, we need more poise and less noise. Americans deserve strong, capable leaders. Leaders who care about this country and care about its people.

Tom Hanks: Wow. Um, Dwayne, that kind of sounds like you and me. I guess we got to do it! Come on! Let’s go!

[A backdrop with ‘Johnson Hanks 2020’ written on it is dropped]

Dwayne Johnson and Tom Hanks: We’re doing it! There you are! There you are! There you are!

Dwayne Johnson: We have got a great show. Katy Perry is here. Stick around. Hanks and Johnson will be right back.

Melissa McCarthy’s Mother’s Day Monologue

Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa McCarthy.

[Melissa McCarthy walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Melissa McCarthy: Hello. Hello. Thank you. Wow! Thank you, thank you, thank you. It’s great to be hosting Saturday Night Live for the 5th time which is amazing. But even more than that is it’s amazing that tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Right? And I’m lucky to have two great girls. I’m a mom and I am lucky to be the daughter of a great mom Sandy McCarthy who always sends me flowers on Mother’s Day. I know. It’s so sweet. But you know what? I’m looking out here and I’m seeing all these people and I want to see everyone who is a mother. I want to see you up. I want to see everyone who is a mother up. [Mothers in the audience stand] Let’s cheer these ladies. Come on! Take your moment. Come on. Every single one of these ladies who stood up have not been to the bathroom alone since they gave birth. They haven’t had a hot meal in years. All of our purses are filled with weird cracker crumbs and dirty Purell bottles and that’s okay. Now, what’s your name?

Quarn: Quarn.

Melissa McCarthy: Quarn. How many kids do you have?

Quarn: TWo.

Melissa McCarthy: What are their names?

Quarn: Emma and Sam.

Melissa McCarthy: And are they with you today?

Quarn: They are not.

Melissa McCarthy: [looking at the camera as message to her kids] Shame on you. I don’t get their flowers for like, months. It’ll be great. It’ll be really good. And what is your name?

Joen: Joen.

Melissa McCarthy: Joen. How many kids do you have?

Joen: I have two, also.

Melissa McCarthy: Two, what do you have?

Joen. A girl and a boy, Sarah and Will.

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, Sarah and will. Alright. Now, since my mom can’t be here, I need a little mom time. Can I give you a tour of the SNL back stage that only hosts get to see?

Joen: I would love to.

Melissa McCarthy: Okay. You will be my surrogate mom for the day. Let’s go. We’ve only got 90 seconds. [Melissa McCarthy runs with Joen to the backstage] This is a quick change area, Joen. This is where they rip your clothes off– [Melissa McCarthy opens the curtain, Alec Baldwin dressed as Donald Trump is inside]

Alec: Hi!

Melissa McCarthy: Get your pants on, Alec. They let us steal the clothes too if you just run fast enough. Nobody says anything. Now, this is the paint desk.  You can ask her for anything. Food, transportation, gum.

Joen: Hi.

Melissa McCarthy: What do we want? Oh, foot cream and a bottle of ketchup.

[the staff give them a foot cream and a ketchup.]

Oh, my god. It worked. Okay, that’s for you. Buy guys. Thanks. Let’s keep stealing stuffs. These are some of the cast dressing rooms. Now, this was one of the SNL legends. It’s the hallway llama. [There’s a llama in the hallway]  You can touch her. Just touch her on the neck. She’s had a lot of face work done. She’s an actress. It will eat your hat. Let’s go. We gotta keep going. This is where they do all the cue-cards. This is getting into the paint thing. These are– [They run into Ryan Reynalds and Blake Lively] Hi! Oh my god!

Ryan Reynolds: Hey!

Melissa McCarthy: Oh my god!

[cheers and applause]

Ryan Reynolds: [hugging Joen] Congratulations!

Blake Lively: Happy Mother’s Day!

Joen: Thank you.

Melissa McCarthy: What are you guys doing here?

Ryan Reynolds: You invited us.

Melissa McCarthy: Yes! Yes, I did.

Blake Lively: Do we get seats? Are you gonna get us seats?

Melissa McCarthy: Yes, you will get seats. You wanna watch it from back here. These are the good seats. [Melissa McCarthy starts walking away]  I may have been drinking when I invited them. So, it’s fine.

Joen: Maybe I should give them my seat?

Melissa McCarthy: Oh, don’t give it up. Here, [giving her a shot] The Livelys’ are fine. They can handle it. [Melissa McCarthy and Joen drinks the shot] Oh, dear god!

Joen: Whoo!

Melissa McCarthy: We gotta get past the paint. Okay, Joen, come on. Oh, here’s Mooney. [runs into Kyle Mooney] He just likes to stand here. [You’re gonna have to tell him he is your favorite cast member, or he won’t let us pass.

Joen: You are my favorite.

Kyle: Oh, thank you so much.

Melissa McCarthy: He tends to hang out.

[Kyle hugs Joen tightly]

Okay! Okay! Kyle! Kyle! Too much. Too much. [Joen is laughing] Kyle thinks anyone over 23 might be his mom. So he gets a little creepy sometimes. There’s a lot of stuff. No one has ever been down this stretch before. We’re just gonna say we’re hosting the show. [they run into HAIM] This is our musical guest. Here’s HAIM. Say hello, ladies. Hello, hello, we gotta go. Come up here. Be careful. If we lose you–

Joen: Oh, this way?

Melissa McCarthy: –I’m afraid they won’t pay me. so, get up the stairs, careful, careful. Now, you know where you are?

Joen: No.

Melissa McCarthy: Okay, wait.

Joen: Oh, my god!

Melissa McCarthy: That’s behind the band. You’re gonna host SNL. You’re a mom. You is kind, you is smart, you is important. Hit it!

Joen: Yay!

Male voice: Ladies and gentlemen, Joen!

[Joen walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

[Melissa McCarthy walks in after few seconds]

Melissa McCarthy: Happy Mother’s Day and thanks to all. Thanks to all the great kids for letting us be your mom. Now, read this part with me.

Melissa McCarthy and Joen: We have got a great show. HEIM is here, so stick around and we’ll be right back.