Tag: Season 40

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on STD Prevention

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: A recent report by the census for disease control states that 110 million Americans have sexually transmitted diseases at any one time. Here to talk about it is our resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: What’s up Mike?

Michael Che: Now, Pete, you’re a young person. What precautions do you have to prevent STDs?

Pete Davidson: Well. like, recently I got lucky and I had sex.  But the next day I woke up, I looked at my penis, it looked all messed up.

Michael Che: Well, you used the condom, right?

Pete Davidson: Yeah! That’s exactly why I was so scared. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Like, “How did I get something if I used a condom? Was she that bad of a person? That it burned through the condom? Was that possible?”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Well, what did you do?

Pete Davidson: Oh, I did what anybody else would do. I sent a picture of my penis to my mom because she’s a nurse, and I figured she would know.

Michael Che: You sent a picture of your penis to your mother?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, but I forgot to call her. Is that weird?

Michael Che: Yeah, man. That’s pretty weird.

Pete Davidson: Look, my mom sees plenty of penises [Cut to Pete Davidson] and make sure they’re okay. Why not see her own son’s? You know? My penis should be the most important to her in every way except one.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, but it still kind of weird, Pete.

Pete Davidson: I know. But, [Cut to Pete Davidson] I love her. And I was like– I sent it in nice way. I was like, “Hey, mom. Sorry to bother you, but do you see anything wrong here?” She responds, “Yeah, Pete. Definitely something wrong. You’re sending me pictures of your penis. What’s wrong with you? I’m a school nurse.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, what did you end up doing?

Pete Davidson: Well, after a weekend of staring at my penis, I went to the doctor. [Cut to Pete Davidson] And he sayd, “Look Pete, this is crazy. This is really crazy. But it turns out, you’re allergic to condoms.” And I was like, “Well, what does that mean?” And he said, “It means, you can’t wear condoms ever.” And I was like, “Really?” I was like, “Are you a doctor or my best friend every? What else? Is my dad coming back?” And he goes, “No, stupid. You still gotta wear something.” He said, “You gotta use lambskin.” So, I was like, “Alright.” So, I went to the Daily. No, I went to the pharmacy first and I got the lambskin condoms. And then the lady rung them up and she was like, “$64”. And I was like, “Never mind. I’ll just deal with fake Herpes.” I’m not paying $64 for condoms. How is lambskin condom’s $64? Lamb over rice is only $5.99.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s a good point. Pete Davidson, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Katt Williams and Suge Knight on Getting Arrested

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Katt Williams… Jay Pharoah

Suge Knight… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che on his news set]

Michael Che: This Wednesday, comedian Katt Williams and Hip Hop model Suge Knight were arrested for stealing a photographer’s camera. Here to comment, are Katt Williams and Suge Knight.

[Katt Williams and Suge Knight slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Katt Williams: Sir, we swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the–

Michael Che: No, no. You don’t have to do that here. You good.

Katt Williams: Oh, well better safe than sorry.

Michael Che: Alright, so you were both arrested together on this?

Katt Williams: Excuse me. Is that even a question? [Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight] I climb up on this scary man’s back and ride him around like Yoda Roda Mr. Luke Skywalker. You feel what I’m saying?

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]

Michael Che: I would love to see that. But tell me what happened with the photographer? Is this for real?

Suge Knight: Nah! You know what I’m saying? It was like barely an altercation. I mean, I was only shot five times.

Michael Che: That’s a lot, man.

Suge Knight: Not for me. [Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight] My body got so much layer, I’m like a 300 pound number two.

Katt Williams: This man has so many bullets lodged in him that set off metal detectors at Laguardia airport right damn now. That’s what he’s dong.

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che adn Suge Knight]

Michael Che: Okay, let me ask the real question. Are you guilty of this?

Suge Knight: Well, you know. I’ve been wanting to speak on that. Okay. [Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight] Because, what I do, you know what I’m saying? Is I be sneaking. Do a little legal begal. Private plane, all in the shower hiding behind the eskimo. So, when you talk about the past, that’s all in the future.

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]

Michael Che: What the hell are you talking about?

Katt Williams: Ah, Michael Che, sir, you’ll have to excuse Mr. Knight right now, okay? We have so much marijuana inside us, we can cure glaucoma by blowing in your eyes. Just, [blows], you’re cured.

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]

Michael Che: Suge, you got a lot of priors, man. I mean, you can get 30 years for this. Do you have anything to say about it?

[Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight]

Suge Knight: Yeah! Stop arresting us.

Katt Williams: Absolutely correct, Michael. Y’all know this ain’t gonna take. Okay, look. I had been arrested so much that a police car is basically my Uber. You feel what I’m saying? But it never sticks. Okay?

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]

Michael Che: So, it sounds like you’re admitting to this.

Katt Williams: Ah, look here. [Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight] Somebody in the hip hop community has to actually be bad. I mean Tupac is gone. Kanye designs men’s blouses. It’s true. And the biggest feud in hip hop is between Ice Cube and a can of course light. Halama-Shanda-Tanana, thank you Jesus.

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]

Michael Che: Alright, there. Katt Williams and Suge Knights ladies and gentlemen. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Katt Williams: I’m Colin Jost.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of McDonalds logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: McDonald’s is reportedly creating a new slogan for next year. “Loving beats hating”. Which narrowly defeated their other option, “eat what this clown killed.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Apple CEO Tim Cook at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Apple CEO Tim Cook revealed Thursday that he is gay. He had another announcement that got dudes lotting up around the block for Cook. Prints, ladies and gentlemen.

[Picture changes a woman voting]

You know, this Tuesday are the midterm elections and I know a lot of people aren’t going to vote because they don’t follow politics. But that’s no excuse. I don’t know anything about politics. But last year I voted for mayor Bill de Blasio because I like his son’s Afro. And it counted just as much as a smart person’s. So, make sure you get out there and vote next Tuesday, or this Tuesday. Whatever, who cares? It’s the midterms. It’s not even important.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dunkin’ Donuts’ at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dunkin’ Donuts’ announced that it will soon release a croissant donut hybrid, but insisted that it will not be called a ‘cronut’. Instead, it will be called a ‘dobage’ which is combination of donut and garbage.

A new study suggest that men who had never had sex are twice s likely to develop prostate cancer as men who have had sex. Well, I’m sold. I’m gonna try sex.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a car with Starbucks logo on it at the right top corner.]

Michael Che: Starbucks has announced plans to test out a delivery service next year. The way it works is you place your order, then a Starbucks employee shows up and destroys your bathroom. It’s the other way around.

[Picture changed to a cup of coffee and few cats]

A new coffee shop has opened in California that allows customers to mingle with shelter cats. And to save everybody sometime, the owner just went ahead and named the coffe shop, “Grade F”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Utah at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Residents of St. George, Utah were upset about a new city ordinance that prohibits dancing events without a permit. [Picture changes to Kevin Bacon] “I’m on it”, said Kevin Bacon.

Weekend Update 1

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here, tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Maine and Kaci Hickoon left top corner.]

A judge in Maine on Friday ruled the nurse Kaci Hickox, who had been ordered to remain quarantined in her home after working with ebola patients in Africa is free to go any place she wants. Places like, “over there” and “further over there”. Hickox was reportedly so happy with the ruling that she started vomitting blood.  Before the restrictions were lifted, Kaci Hickox openly violated quarantined orders Thursday by taking an hour long bike ride with her boyfriend. Said her boyfriend, “Help, she’s gaining on me!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of map of New York on right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York’s state has relaxed regulations on ebola aid workers returning from Africa, now allowing them to quarantine themselves at their homes. “Wait, what?” said their roommates.

[Picture changes to Pope Francis]

Pope Francis said this week that the theory of evolution and the big bang theory do not contradict the existence of god. Man, I love this Pope. Everything he says sounds like he just got high for the first time. And I like that he doesn’t drive around in that goofy Pope mobile like he’s the dice in that game trouble. He knows god is protecting him. All those other Popes were hiding behind plexiglass like they were selling chicken in the bad neighborhood.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Tim Hudson on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: San Francisco Giant’s pitcher Tim Hudson became the oldest world series game sever starter ever at the age of 39. Hudson was pulled during the second inning at the age of 41.

Chris Christie Defends the Quarantine of Kaci Hickox

Megan… Cecily Strong

Governor Ghris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Kaci Hickox… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “The Kelly File” intro]

[Cut to in Megan her set]

[cheers and applause]

Megan: Welcome back. Welcome back to The Kelly File. Later in the program undeniable proof that the historical figure Blacula was in fact white. But first, it was a long week for New Jersey governer Chris Christie. First she placed nurse Kaci Hickox in a quarantine even though she had no symptoms of ebola, then quickly reversed that decision when the White House and public opinion turned against him. Governer Christie joins us here today.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Yeah, what?

[laughter]

[Cut to Megan and Chris Christie]

Megan: Governor, what do you say to miss Hicoc’s claims that her quarantine was inhumane?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Well, with all due respect Megan, you need to shut the hell up. Miss Hicocs got a tent in a parking lot with her own porta party. In New Jersey, that’s called the luxury condo. Miss Hicocs also had access to the internet and some of the best take out food in Newark. I’m talking about places like Zuckerello’s bar and grill and Cookazella’s bakery and Cowzonum Porium down on roof Kaci Hickox5.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: Okay. Governor, well the CDC called your quarantine rules draconian.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Look, my only job is to protect the people of New Jersey. And believe me, they need protection. Their immune systems are already under attack from tattoo infections and tainted well vodkas and jet fumes, by which I mean the stench of the New York jets.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: Governor, now some are saying the White House pressured you into reversing your policy.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Come on, that’as a bunch of malarkey. Our policy has not changed. If you present symptoms, you will be quarantined. But, if I then get a call from president Barack Obama, the man who visited me, [getting emotional] for almost Kaci Hickox hours, dooring the worst of hurricane Sandy and stood with me on that beach, windbreaker to windbreaker, as we pointed to houses and said, “Wow, look at that one”, how do you say no to a man like that?

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: Well, speaking of presidents, isn’t your tough stance on ebola really about the fact you might soon be a candidate in Chris Christie0Megan6?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Megan, that’s a question for the American people. After 8 years of Barack Obama, do they want more of the same? Or is America ready for like, likable Kevin James type. You now? Like a laughable Jamoke from the old neighborhood.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: Are you saying you’re running?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: No, but I will say this. Ram Paul and Jeff Bush would never have had the stones to do this quarantine thing. They were sitting on their daddy’s lap in congress while I was working my way through kindergarten as mall Santa Claus. Okay? And where am I? Over here. Hey, Ramd and Jebb, Christopher. [pecks kiss on hand] Now that’s a first name.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: Okay, here now with her side of the story, the woman who lived through this quarantine, Kaci Hickox live via satellite in her home in Maine.

[Cut to split screen. Megan is at the left and Chris Christie is at the right.]

Kaci Hickox: Hey, Megan. By the way, that is Kaci with an ‘I’ as in “I don’t care if have ebola, I’m riding my damn bike.” Yeah!

Megan: So, What have you been doing since you broke quarantine?

[Cut to Kaci Hickox]

Kaci Hickox: I’m doing whatever I feel like. Took a dip in a public pool, ooh! I volunteered in a kissing booth. For Halloween, I handed out about a thousand m&m’s with my bare hands. There you go, there you go. [coughing] Kidding! Yeah!

[Cut to split screen.]

Megan: Okay, miss Hickox, many people think you’re being pretty cavalier about all this.

[Cut to Kaci Hickox]

Kaci Hickox: Yeah, that’s because many people are intimidated by a smart, strong woman who has lost her mind. I stoop up to ebola, Megan. I’m not be scared off by a governor who looks like a cartoon on a pizza box.

Chris Christie: Oh yeah! [Chris Christie walks near Kaci Hickox in Maine] You wanna say that to my face?

Kaci Hickox: What the hell are you doing here?

Chris Christie: I’m Chris Christie, I’m everywhere.

Kaci Hickox: Oh, I cannot wait to sue you.

Chris Christie: Oh, yeah? Well, get in line. It starts all the way back at the GW bridge and the traffic is very slow. [Chris Christie and Kaci Hickox start hitting each other] Come on! Come on, now!

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: A lot to think about on both sides. We’ll be back with more. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

The Arguing Couple

Chris Rock

Uber driver… Bobby Moynihan

Nicole… Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Chris walking in his hall where the TV is playing]

Chris: Be there in a minute. Man, she left the TV on and she ain’t even here. Scandal, hmph! The scandal is how hot this election’s going to be. Alright.

[Door bell ringing]

Be right there.

[Chris opens the door. Uber driver walks in.]

Uber driver: You called Uber car? I’ve been here like Chris0 minutes.

Chris: Nicole! Cab’s here. Come on! We’re going to miss the show.

[Cut to Nicole walking in in her robe]

Nicole: I just got out the shower.

[Cut to Chris and Uber driver]

Wpeaker Chris: Who calls Uber and then gets in the shower?

[Cut to Nicole]

Nicole: If I take a shower too soon, then I get dirty again before its time for us to leave.

[Cut to Chris and Uber driver]

Chris: What are you? A bat catcher for the Yankees? Why are you attracting so much dirt? Are you a human swiffer?

[Cut to Nicole]

Nicole: Don’t embarrass me in front of a stranger. [raising her voice] Don’t embarrass me in front of strangers.

[Cut to everybody.]

[Nicole talking to Uber driver]

We’ll be out in a minute, okay sir?

Uber driver: Okay, can I use your bathroom?

[Cut to Nicole]

Nicole: Hell, no. All this ebola going around. I don’t know you?

[Cut to Chris and Uber driver. Uber driver walks out and shuts the door.]

Chris: Hey! Why do you want to pay extra for Uber? If we need an umemployed weirdo to drive us around, I’d just call your cousin James.

[Cut to Nicole]

Nicole: Because Uber is the new thing. But you wouldn’t know about that because you ain’t got no new stuff. All you got is them CDs.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: When the government shuts down the cloud, I’mma have Luther.

[Cut to Nicole walks away, and in a while she walks back.]

Nicole: I just got accepted I’m a young thing. [Cut to Chris and Nicole] I’m a young sweet thing with a old fashioned husband.

Chris: You ain’t got accepted for nothing. And if you need to get to step it, you need to get to step it. That’s what I’m saying.

Nicole: I’mma get to step it with every penny in this house coming with me.

Chris: Hey, this house is in my name woman. And you’re just an extended guest. You understand? Common law.

Nicole: I will burn it down before I let you have it.

Chris: I’ll give you a match if you think you got it in you.

Nicole: Oh, I dream about it. I will liso-lefta-lopez this bitch to the ground. Did you order the tickets online?

Chris: I’m not giving out my credit card number online to somebody in India so they can steal my identity.

Nicole: Nobody in India wants to be a cheap lazy bastard who snores all night.

[Nicole walks away]

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Oh, now I’m cheap! What do you do with your money? All you buy is shoes and weaves. I bet if you could show them tickets to your hair you’re buying. You like this tie?

Nicole: Not the blue tie.

[Chris pulls his tie tight]

Ay! Stop acting like you’re killing yourself. Don’t take that pleasure from me.

[Chris takes off the blue tie and picks up a red one]

Chris: Stop telling me what to do, woman. You’re not my mother.

[Cut to Nicole walking in with her dress on.]

Nicole: You damn right I’m not. What did that woman do to you?

[Cut to Chris and Nicole]

Chris: What did she do to me? I’ll tell you what she did to me. She cooked, she cleaned, the only thing she ever did wrong was lie to me and tell me I’d find a woman of my dreams.

Nicole: You know how I found you? I was looking for a lump in my breasts, and there you was.

[Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: [yelling] Stop it! Just stop it. [Cut to Sasheer] What’s wrong with you? All you do is argue. You hate each other. Break up for god sake. Just get a divorce.

[Sasheer walks out]

[Cut to Chris and Nicole]

Chris: She ain’t never gonna get a man with an attitude like that.

Nicole: I keep trying to talk to her but she just tones me out.

Chris: Well, let’s not let her ruin our anniversary.

Nicole: Happy anniversary, baby.

[Chris and Nicole kiss and hug]

[Chris grabs his jacket and opens the door]

Nicole: Let me go out first.

[Chris makes way for Nicole]

Swiftamine

Cecily Strong

Taran Killam

Chris Rock

Dr. David Doctor… Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

[Starts with a woman jogging in a park]

Cecily: For years, I suffered from vertigo.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Out of nowhere I’d feel dizzy, disoriented and even nauseous.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Dremamine helped my flashes upside. And I hadn’t had a flair up in years.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Years.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Years.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Until recently.

[Cut to Cecily jogging]

Cecily: I was jogging listening to spotiy.

[Cut to Taran on his laptop]

Taran: Casually browsing iTunes.

[Cut to Chris driving his car]

Chris: Flipping through the radio.

Cecily: And I heard this new song that I loved.

Taran: I loved.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: I looked to see who it was and that’s when the vertigo hit.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: It was Taylor Swift.

Chris: Taylor Swift.

Taran: Taylor Swift. The whole room started spinnin.

Chris: I felt nauseous. I don’t like Taylor Swift. I know I don’t.

[Cut to the doctor]

Dr. David Doctor: Yes, you do. You friggin lover. Hi, I’m neorologist Dr. David Doctor. Over that last one month, realizing you love Taylor Swift has become the leading cause of vertigo in adults. That’s why, now, there’s Swiftamine. The fast acting antihistamine tablet that’s pink and bubbly, just like Taylor herself.

[Cut to Kenan and his daughters]

Kenan: I took my daughters to a Taylor Swift concert. I did not want to go. I do not get it. But as soon as the concert started, I was on the ground. My daughters say I was slurring the words. And those words were, “Girl can write a song.” They gave me Swiftamine.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: I never got into Taylor Swift because in interview, she’s always like, “I’m Taylor Swift.” It’s like, no. Then the other day, I found myself humming ‘Shake it off’ and I got so dizzy, I fell into traffic. Thanks a lot, Taylor. Just kidding. You’re amazing.

[Cut to Dr. David Doctor]

Dr. David Doctor: Medically speaking, Taylor Swift on set vertigo occurs when one of her songs forces your brain to fight your ears. Your frontal lobe says, “Oof, Taylor Swift. She’s always wearing, like, a Cecily9Kenan0’s bathing suit.” But your ear is saying, “Shut up. This is a perfect song. [Cut to Aidy dancing in a club.] Taylor Swift on set vertigo can strike anytime, any place.

[cut to Leslie in the club]

Leslie: Oh, man! This beat is banging. Who is it?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Taylor Swift.

Leslie: What?

Aidy: [in slow motion and heavy sound] Taylor Swift.

[Cut to Leslie getting triggered]

Leslie: I freaking love Taylor Swift?

[Cut to Dr. David Doctor]

Dr. David Doctor: Swiftamine, for when you realize you love Taylor Swift.

[Leslie gets in dancing behind the doctor]

Leslie: Baby! She got me.

Shark Tank

Cindi… Aidy Bryant

Kevin O’Leary… Beck Bennett

Barbara Corcoran… Kate McKinnon

Daymond John… Kenan Thompson

Mark Cuban… Taran Killam

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi… Kyle Mooney

Abdul Rakim… Chris Rock

[Starts with Shark Tank intro]

Announcer: Welcome back to the Shark Tank where hopeful entrepreneurs try to grow their business with investment from these self made millionaires. Before the break, Cindi from Tulsa tried to win over the two remaining sharks with her Breakfast Pastas.

[Cut to Cindi in the show]

Cindi: So, sharks. Whether it’s pancakes alfredo or spaghetti’s benedict, why not jazz up your morning with Cindi’s breakfast pastas and pancakes?

[Cut to the sharks]

Kevin O’Leary: Nausiating, I’m out.

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary and Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: I like your product. But the only thing I eat for breakfast is a single vitamin and two diet cokes. I’m out.

[Cut to Cindi]

Cindi: I am ruined.

Announcer: Cindi goes home with nothing. But will the sharks bite this time? Next in the tank, it’s Abdul and Ibri, with an idea they say will revolutionize the world.

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Hello sharks. I am Ibraham Al’Bagdadi.

Abdul Rakim: And I am Abdul Rakim. And our organization is called ISIS.

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: We started with a simple question. How do you read the world of the filthy western pig and the vile Jew?

Abdul Rakim: Now, just a few years later, our small hateful perversion of Islam has grown into a multinational brand.

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: But there’s just one problem. ISIS is growing, TOO FAST. Our resources are too thin. And we need your expertise to help manage our growth.

Abdul Rakim: We are seeking 400 million American dollars in exchange for a Cindi% stake in our new kingdom. So, who is ready to invest in crushing the west?

[Cut to Mark Cuban]

Mark Cuban: Back up. You just gave yourself a evaluation of $Daymond John0 billion. How are you getting that number?

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Abdul Rakim: Well, Mark Cuban, we are making $Mark Cuban million a day on stolen oil.

[Cut to Mark Cuban]

Mark Cuban: Wow. Now that is interesting.

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary and Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: Okay, first of all it’s taking a lot of courage to look you in the eye. And I like that about you. But here’s my problem honey, I’m hearing ISIS, ISIS, ISIS, but your pamplets say ISIL. You’re lacking unified brands.

Kevin O’Leary: Barbara’s right and I don’t need a pamplet. I need numbers. You say you’re growing fast. Show me.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: For you Mr. Wonderful, of course. Alwajj! [Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi, Abdul Rakim and a map]

Abdul Rakim: This map shows our land holdings.

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: We now control this entire region of unusable land.

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary]

Kevin O’Leary: Okay, so what’s so special about your Islamic states? What’s stopping me from going out and doing the exact same thing?

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: Wait, wait, wait. Back up a minute. How have you managed to grow this fast?

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Two things, Daymond. A crack social media team and good old fashioned, word of bullet.

Abdul Rakim: By the way Daymond, we are prepared to make your clothing brand Fubu the official retailer of the Islamic states.

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: I’m listening.

[Cut to Daymond John and Mark Cuban]

Mark Cuban: No, no. Hold on. Just a second, Daymond. When numbers seen too good to be true, they usually are. Genocidal regimes are very tricky business. I’ve been burned before. For that reason, I’m out.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi, Abdul Rakim and the other presenters. The other presenters are putting guns at Mark Cuban]

Abdul Rakim: Stay calm. Stay calm. Mark cuban, surely you can reach a deal with us. You can sign if you can sign Dirk Lewinsky for $25 million.

[Cut to Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: Okay, here’s where I’m at boys. We gotta talk about this logo. I mean, honestly guys, it looks like it was drawn in Microsoft Paint.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Barbara, we have heard this before. That’s why we kidnapped a graphic designer and chained him to an iMac. Take a look at the new Isis. Alwajj!

[They show the logo of ISIS. The logo has a chameleon.

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: Come on, man.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: Funny gecko, yeah?

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary]

Kevin O’Leary: I’m sorry. It takes more than a logo to win Mr. Wonderful. I’m out.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Abdul Rakim: May you turn and burn to death with dogs.

[Cut to Kevin O’Leary]

Kevin O’Leary: That’s the fifth time I’ve heard that today.

[Cut to Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: You know what? I like you guys. You’re savvy. Your numbers are amazing. But there’s only one thing holing you back and that’s everything you stand for. I’m out.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Ibraham Al’Bagdadi: May you only have daughters]

[Cut to Barbara Corcoran]

Barbara Corcoran: You know, you remind me of the bad guys in the bible.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Abdul Rakim: Daymond, you’re our only hope.

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: Well, you know what? I knew I was going to make money with you guys the second you walked into the tank today.

[Cut to Ibraham Al’Bagdadi and Abdul Rakim]

Both: Yes?

[Cut to Daymond John]

Daymond John: Because that’s when I called homeland security to collect your $30 million bounty.

[Cut to everybody]

[Police enter the show]

Police: Freeze! Drop your weapons.

Barbara Corcoran: Nice played, Daymond.

Daymond John: Thank you very much.

Barbara Corcoran: Very good.

Prince – Clouds Live

[Starts with Chris rock announcing at SNL stage]

Chris Rock: Ladies and gentlemen, you are so lucky tonight. Welcome Prince.

[cheers and applause]

[music playing]

[Cut to Prince and La Havas singing and playing with his band.]

Prince and La Havas: In this brand new age we do everything
Quick, fast, in a hurry
All of our life’s a stage
Everybody stars, reality so blurry
If you scream out loud, loud
Top of your voice be higher than the crowd (no)
Tattoo-less and proud, yeah
We’ll get to something higher that doesn’t require clouds
No, we don’t need no clouds, no

You should never underestimate the power of
A kiss on the neck, when she doesn’t expect
A kiss on the neck, when she doesn’t expect
A kiss on the neck
And every time you catch her singin’ in the shower
You should go and get a flower
Don’t matter what the hour
Just rub it on her back, rub it on her back, rub it on her back
La Havas: When life’s a stage, in this brand new age

How do we engage?
Bullying just for fun
No wonder there’s so many guns
Maybe we’re better off in space

[La Havas leaves the stage. Prince enters playing guitar]

[music changes]

[Prince playing guitar solo]

 

Prince – Another Love Live

[Starts with Prince and the band performing.]

[music playing]

Prince: You said I was what you wanted
Liar, liar.
You never wanted me that way. no
I was just something you flaunted
Hired and fired
U never had a plant to stay…
If you don’t like it, round here,
Find another love, another love.
Anyone can see it’s so clear
I’ll find another, another, another, another love
If you don’t like this baby
Find another, another love
You don’t have a right to fake it

Move on, move on,
Move on, move on,
Find another love, find another love.

You got to find another love.

I used to think I was so much fun
Now I’m just the guilty one
Everything we used 2 share
Our clothes and even our hair.
Now all you see is what I did
But how come I can’t tell me that kid
Behind my back I’m just a so and so
But I’m the greatest living soul
you’ll ever know

[music stops]