Tag: Season 40

Weekend Update 3

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of a man carrying groundhog.]

Michael Che: Officials at the Staten Island zoo are denying reports that a groundhog used in this year’s groundhog ceremony died after the mayor de Blasio dropped it. Said officials, “It was really more the stepping on it.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a sheep.]

Colin Jost: A shepherd in Germany has discovered a rare geep, which is a sheep-goat hybrid. It’s believed to be the first sheep-goat hybrid to be discovered since Kid Rock. [Picture changes to Kid Rock.]

[Picture changes to a college in California]

A California teacher resigned after she talked in class about programming robots to shoot and kill students. Her resignation should give her more time at home to work on her army of killer robots.

[Picture changes to an old woman.]

A Mexican woman thought to be the oldest person in the world reportedly turned 127 on Sunday. Despite her age, she said she still living la-vida kill me.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Cuba Gooding Jr. at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Actor Cuba Gooding Jr. who is participating in a ‘Shoot the Puck’ competition during intermission at a Chicago Black Hawk’s pre-season game, screamed and ripped his shirt off after making a goal. It was a kind of display that reminded us why it’s been a while since anyone showed him the money.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Derek Jeter.]

Michael Che: Tomorrow will mark the final major league baseball game for Yankee short stop, Derek Jeter. Jeter retires after 20 seasons, 260 home runs, over 3,400 hits and all the ass.

[Picture changes to ‘Orange is the new black’ logo and a lesbian sign.]

A writer for ‘Orange Is the New Black’ said that working on the show made her realize that she was gay, while watching what goes on in that woman’s prison reminded me that I am not.

[Picture changes to

Detroit Lion’s line backer Steven is out for the year after tearing a needling omit while celebrating the sack against the Green Bay Packers. It’s a horrific on field incident that the NFL is calling “Our best news in weeks.”

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update, with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Good evening, welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Obana at right top corner.]

After the US launched air strikes against ISIS forces this week, president Obama spoke at the UN and urged most of the countries to join in the fight. Obama is so desperate to get most of the countries on board, he started using his middle name again.

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton recently fuels speculation that she may run for president when she made an appearance in Iowa and said, “Hello, Iowa, I’m back.” Though, if I remember 2008 correctly, that’s not as effective as saying, “Hello, Iowa, I’m black.” [Picture changes to Barack Obama.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of iPhone 6 at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Apple this week announced that a bunch of Chinese factory workers are about to get carpool tunnel. In other Apple news, the company has strength and security or it’s iCloud storage system in response to the recent hacking of celebrity nude photos. But if you really don’t anyone to see your naked photos, you could just hide them in that free U2 album. [Picture changes to a CD of U2]

[Picture changes to Chelsea Clinton]

Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton who gave birth to a baby girl on Friday. A new grandmother Hillary Clinton [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton] said she couldn’t be any happier unless the baby was a Latina in a swing state.

Weekend Update – Girl at a Party Rides Again

Michael

The girl… Cecily Strong

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: And now, break of the Ebola virus continues to spread through western Africa with America and other countries scrambling to hell. Here with her take on this sensitive subject is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with at a party.

[The girl slides in]

[cheers and applause]

The girl: Welcome back.

Michael Che: So, where have you been?

The girl: I went to my birthday trip to Israel.

Michael Che: Really? Are you Jewish?

The girl: Wow! The fact that you even ask me that makes you a spigot, and no, I’m not Jewish.

Michael Che: Okay. So, what do you think about this Ebola outbreak?

[Cut to The girl]

The girl: What do I think about it? Michael, it’s all I’m thinking about, okay? [Cut to The girl and Michael Che. Michael Che is annoyed.] I’m thinking about it 25/7, okay? This isn’t just an outbreak Michael, it’s an outrage. Okay? It’s an Obama-nation. [Cut to Michael Che] It’s un-com-pre-hen-dal-ble! And these people, aren’t even sick of Ebola. They’re sock of hypocraty.

[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I think they’re also sick from the Ebola, which is what we were here to talk about.

The girl: Wait, let me man-splain this for you in terms, you can man-derstand. Okay? Because right now, sorry, but you look like a broke record. You’re being like a fetish’s dictator. Okay?

[Cut to The girl. She looks at her phone]

Uh! Swipe left.

[The girl puts her phone down]

Because this might like, shock you, but most Americans only use The 10% of my brain. Michael, no offence, but that’s how they’re getting across their border. [Cut to The girl and Michael Che] Like, why are we even?

Michael Che: Why are we even what? Are we gonna talk about Ebola, because if not, there’s other–

The girl: People need to wake up, Michael. We’re living in a post facial society. [Cut to The girl] Walmart, Happy meals, the Winnerlympics, they’re babies in China who don’t even know they’re adults. And it’s like every five minutes, another species.

[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Another species what?

The girl: [slowly points to Michael] Exactly! [The girl gestures to her mind blown.] I just spilled your brains out. I just spilled your brains out. [Cut to The girl] I hate to burn your bubble but if Neil Degrasse Tyson is that smart, why you buy that guy giraffe?

[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]

I got to give you something. [The girl looks into her clutch.] Do you have a crush on anyone right now? Don’t say me.

Michael Che: Well, actually it is this girl called Jessica–

[Cut to The girl]

The girl: I have a crush on Gandhi. But, I’m sure Jessica discovered India too. [The girl looks over] Who is that guy?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and The girl.]

Michael Che: That’s Colin.

The girl: He looks like my ex. [Cut to The girl] He died at burning man.

[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]

This is an authentic Mexican jumping bean. I got it urban offeners. [The girl looks away and starts calling out] Devin! Devin!

Michael Che: Who are you yelling at?

The girl: Devin. She’s my scariest friend. You have like, really kind eyes.

Michael Che: Thank you.

The girl: You’re welcome. Can I take a selfie with you?

Michael Che: I guess.

[The girl takes a selfie with Michael Che]

The girl: My dad’s gonna really hate that.

Michael Che: Alright! Girl at the party, everyone!

The girl: Devin! [Looks at Michael Che] You have to eat that.

NFL intros

Jim Nantz… Beck Bennett

Phil Simms… Taran Killam

Derrick Watkins, Terrence White, Devin Peters, Kendrick Douglas… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Jeffries, Bart Doleman… Bobby Moynihan

Terry Pope, Lavar Washington, Jacob Reynolds, Abaskuul Sulemon… Jay Pharoah

Victor Naples, Jeffrey Wilkins, Donald Washburn, Barry Jenkins… Chris Pratt

Calvin Williams, Greg Watkins… Kyle Mooney

Marvin Ingram… Michael Che

Willie Sampson, Wendell Jones… Pete Davidson

Tim Stevens… Colin Jost

Mrs. Kendrick Douglas… Leslie Jones

[Starts with NFL intro]

[Cut to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms. They are the show reporters.]

Jim Nantz: Hello and welcome to the NFL on CBS. I’m Jim Nantz and with me in the booth is Phil Simms.

Phil Simms: Great to be here, Jim.

Jim Nantz: Obviously, NFL is under tremendous scrutiny right now, with the series of embarrassing scandals over the past few weeks.

Phil Simms: But they’re trying their best to move forward and start taking responsibility for their actions.

Jim Nantz: Accountability. That’s what the NFL is all about. And I think you’ll see that reflected in today’s player introductions. First, let’s meet Baltimore Raven’s offense.

[Cut to Derrick Watkins]

Derrick Watkins: Derrick Watkins. Assault!

[Cut to Kyle Jeffries]

Kyle Jeffries: Kyle Jeffries. Man slaughter!

[Cut to Terry Pope.]

Terry Pope: Terry Pope. Abort an assault rifle to a barbecue.

[Cut to Victor Naples]

Victor Naples: Victor Naples. Whole bunch of stuff.

[Cut to Calvin Williams]

Calvin Williams: Calvin Williams. Lootering with an intent to murder.

[Cut to Marvin Ingram]

Marvin Ingram: Marvin Ingram. I was accused of sexual assault at the Ohio State University.

[Cut to Willie Sampson]

Willie Sampson: Willie Sampson. Treason.

[Cut to Jeffrey Wilkins]

Jeffrey Wilkins: Jeffrey Wilkins. Involuntary prostitution.

[Cut to Terrence White]

Terrence White: Terrence White. I od’ed on penis pills.

[Cut to Lavar Washington]

Lavar Washington: Lavar Washington. I punched a mailman. That’s federal, baby.

[Cut to Tim Stevens]

Tim Stevens: And I am the punter. Tax fraud.

[Cut back to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms]

Jim Nantz: Wow, certainly a different line than we used to see.

Phil Simms: Well, there have been a lot of suspensions, so the team looks significantly different than they did last week.

Jim Nantz: The players look less athletic.

Phil Simms: I notice that as well.

Jim Nantz: Now, will the players be discussing the punishments they receive for their offences?

Phil Simms: [speaking secretly] Well, no, there weren’t any. So were not.

Jim Nantz: Now, let’s meet the visiting Carolina Panther’s defense.

[Cut to Jacob Reynolds]

Jacob Reynolds: Jacob Reynolds. Burned down a strip club.

[Cut to Donald Washburn]

Donald Washburn: Donald Washburn. American taliban.

[cut to Wendell Jones]

Wendell Jones: Wendell Jones. I love cocaine.

[Cut to Devin Peters]

Devin Peters: Devin Peters. Stanford.

[Cut to Bart Doleman]

Bart Doleman: Bart Doleman. I haven’t done nothing yet, but I’m gonna.

[cut to Barry Jenkins]

Barry Jenkins: Barry Jenkins. I did some weird stuff on a cruise ship.

[Cut to Greg Watkins]

Greg Watkins: Greg Watkins. I was in that cruise too. It was pretty fun.

[Cut to Abaskuul Sulemon]

Abaskuul Sulemon: Abaskuul Sulemon. Somali pirate.

[Cut to Kendrick Douglas]

Kendrick Douglas: Kendrick Douglas. I hit my wife.

[Cut to Mrs. Kendrick Douglas]

Mrs. Kendrick Douglas: And I’m his wife. I hit his ass back.

[Cut to Melvin McDonald]

Melvin McDonald: Melvin McDonald. I sent a picture of my ding dong to Michelle Obama. Go Panthers.

[Cut back to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms]

Jim Nantz: Well, as you can see it’s a whole new era for the National Football League.

Phil Simms: So, let’s get you straight to the field for kick off. We’ll see you back here for the half time show featuring Chris Brown. And a very special tribute to Pacman Jones.

Jim Nantz: Yes, it’s the NFL on CBS.

[Ends with an outro]

Monologue Chris Pratt Sings About Himself

Chris Pratt

Anna Faris

[Starts SNL monologue intro]

[The band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Pratt.

[Chris Pratt walks in and to the stage.]

[cheers and applause]
Chris Pratt: Wow! Woo-hoo! Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. I am so pumped to be here hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. Ah! This is SNL’s 40th anniversary. I have always felt such a connection to this show. A lot of that is because when I dropped out of college and moved to Hawaii, I literally lived in a van down by the river. Yeah. Oh! This summer, I was in this great movie called Guardians of the Galaxy [cheers and applause] for which I lost 60 pounds. I found this great diet. It’s called the, “Hey fat ass, get into shape so you can be in my movie” diet. [audience laughing] It actually really works. I recommend it.

Anyways, [laughing] you know, I was so excited to be here tonight. [Chris Pratt gets a guitar] I actually wrote a song. [cheers and applause] Yes, thank you. I know that I’m not half the singer that Ariana Grande is but I am technically three times her body weight. So, the math works out. Again, like I said, I didn’t go to college. Here’s a little song I wrote about me.

[playing guitar]

Good lord, I’m hosting SNL
and so far it’s going pretty well
I’ve only sang two sentences
so it’s probably too soon to tell
In four years, I had lot of shows
and I joined a lit of some amazing hosts
some of them did not do well
hopefully I’m not one of those
home’s where the heart is and mine’s right here
it belongs to the hottie in the audience there

[Cut to Anna Faris in the audience getting shy]

Her name’s Anna Faris, she’s hosted twice
we had sex and a baby popped out

[audience laughing]

It’s true. Do you remember that?

[Cut to Anna Faris]

Anna Faris: [speaking in moaning voice] Oh, yeah!

[Cut to Chris Pratt]

Chris Pratt: It was really sexy birth.

I’ve gone from skinny to fat back to skinny back to fat
probably gonna die if I don’t stop that
but all my tombstones are gonna read Chris Pratt
he hosted SNL
it’s been a damn good year, it’s a damn good show
have I slept in 40 hours, the answer’s no
buckle up, you better hold on tight,
It’s live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[cheers and applause]

We got a great show for you. Ariana Grande is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Kissing Video Game Characters

Taran Killam

Bret… Bobby Moynihan

Video game girl… Venessa Bayer

Video game boy… Chris Pratt

Sasheer Zamata

Ben… Pete Davidson

Puzzle Wizard… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with some people in the office. They are testing a game.]

Taran: Alright guys, I would say thank you for your time but we’re playing you to play video games. So, maybe you should be thanking me.

Bret: Yeah, my mom said we would get 25 bucks.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: That is correct. Up to $25 in food vouchers. Now, your input is going to help make Puzzle World six the best game possible. So, all we want is your honest first impression, alright? So, Bret, why don’t you start off.

[They start testing the game.]

[Cut to the game. A man and a woman walk in.]

Video game girl: We need your help. The puzzle wizard put a spell on our world.

Video game boy: If you don’t help us solve these puzzles, he’ll destroy all the beloved happiness.

Video game girl: To clear each stage, use the pieces to complete the shape.

Video game boy: We’ll be right here cheering you on.

Video game girl: Ready?

Video game girl and Video game boy: Go for it!

[The puzzle gets solved]

Video game girl: Way to go.

Video game girl and Video game boy: You did it!

[Video game girl and Video game boy start kissing]

[Cut to the testers staring at the game]

[Cut to Video game girl and Video game boy. They start feeling each other’s bodies.]

Video game girl: I feel so safe in your arm.

Video game boy: You are.

[Video game girl jumps off]

Video game girl: Press A for the next puzzle.

[Cut to the testers.]

Taran: That was great. Does anybody have any feedback on that?

[All testers raise their hands.]

Oh, wow. Alright. Bret, go ahead.

[Cut to Bret]

Bret: Okay, those two people just gently kissed for a long time.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yeah, that doesn’t seem like it goes with this kind of game.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Um, well they’re celebrating your puzzle solving skills. Remember, you’re helping them restore love to their kingdom.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: But I felt like I saw too much, kind of like, hot tension.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Uh-huh. Well, guys, this is Puzzle World six. Okay? So, we gotta step up the story telling as well as the game play.

[Cut to Bret]

Bret: Okay, well, the game play was like, stupid easy.

[Cut to everybody. Taran is jotting down the point.]

Taran: Stupid easy. Alright, that helps. Great! Why don’t you do the next one?

[Cut to Sasheer. She holds the joystick.]

[Cut to the game.]

Video game girl: Stage two. Complete this shape.

Video game boy: The faster you do it, the more points you get.

Video game girl: Ready?

Video game girl and Video game boy: Go for it!

[The puzzle gets solved]

Video game girl: Way to go.

Video game girl and Video game boy: You did it!

[Video game girl and Video game boy start kissing again. Video game girl starts unbuttoning Video game boy’s shirt.]

Video game boy: No. Please.

Video game girl: What?

Video game boy: I was in a terrible accident. [Video game girl sees a burn in Video game boy’s shoulder] I was in an explosion. I am hideous.

Video game girl: Shh! Shh! You’re beautiful. [Video game girl starts kissing Video game boy’s burn]

[Video game girl and Video game boy look forward]

Video game girl: Great job!

Video game boy: You got serious puzzle power.

[Cut to the testers]

Sasheer: How many levels are in this game?

Taran: Uh, fifty-five. So, we better get going. Ben, jump in here.

[Cut to Ben. He holds the joystick.]

Ben: Oh, man!

[Cut to the game]

Video game girl: Stage three. Go.

[Video game girl starts talking to Video game boy]

You have to leave.

Video game boy: What? Why?

Video game girl: You know why. I am married.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Ah! Their relationship drama is blocking the puzzle. I can’t play. I can’t play the game.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Shh! [He is eating popcorn while watching the game.]

[Cut to the testers]

Bret: Ah! Okay! Okay! Enough! Enough! Quit the game. Quit the game.

[Cut to Video game girl and Video game boy]

Video game girl and Video game boy: Oh, no! Game over.

[Puzzle Wizard walks in]

Puzzle Wizard: Evil wins, fools! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to the testers]

Taran: Um, excuse me Bret. We still have like Video game girl more hours of testing. That’s gonna go pretty slow if you keep quitting the game.

Bret: I don’t care. You can keep the $25. I just can’t take anymore of that.

Taran: What?

[Cut to Video game boy and Puzzle Wizard holding Video game girl together.]

CNN State of the Union NFL in Crisis

Candy Crowley… Aidy Bryant

Roger Goodwell… Chris Pratt

Ray Lewis… Kenan Thompson

Shannon Sharpe… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with State of the Union intro]

Candy Crowley: Welcome to the State of the Union. I’m Candy Crowley. Tonight the NFL in crisis. Recent incidents of abuse from Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson have taken a toll on the league. Now, I’ll confess. I don’t know a lot about football. My Sundays are reserved for candy time. I read Nora Roberts novels while I crack team of Korean ladies rehabilitate my feet. But even I know that this league is in trouble. Earlier today, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell tried to take control of things with yet another press conference. Take a look.

[Cut to Roger Goodwell in press conference.]

Roger Goodwell: Now, this has been a tough couple of weeks. but in times of trouble you learn who your friends are. So, I want to thank all the people who stood by me. Red Skin’s owner, Dan Snyder. Michael Vick. And Saint’s coach Sean Payton for not holding me to the same standard that I held him. I appreciate it.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Woof! Joining me now are two NFL veterans former Ravens line backer, Ray Lewis.

[Cut to Ray Lewis]

Ray Lewis: Let’s talk about this, Candy.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: And Hall of famer, Shannon Sharpe.

[Cut to Shannon Sharpe]

Shannon Sharpe: Thank you Candy. It is just absolutely a pleasure to be here. It is.

[Cut to Candy Crowley, Ray Lewis and Shannon Sharpe]

Candy Crowley: Alright, first let’s talk about Adrian Peterson who is under investigation for child abuse. [Cut to Candy Crowley] Ray Lewis, you’re a parent. Have you felt you went too far in disciplining your own child?

[Cut to Ray Lewis]

Ray Lewis: Well, Candy, Children need education. And one way for them to receive that is by going to school. You wake up, you feed the child, get the child dressed, send them off.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Okay, yes. But I’m asking about you. Have you ever used corporal punishment on a child?

[Cut to Ray Lewis]

Ray Lewis: A child has a book bag, lunch box, brand new clothes, and I provide those things. So, when you’re talking about teaching somebody something, that’s where we’re paying attention to.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Yes, but what I’m asking is what about you? Have you ever had, say, a legal problem that might have disrupted your team?

[cut to Ray Lewis]

Ray Lewis: I know what you’re getting at. And let me be perfectly clear. School buses are yellow. Sometimes, orange, depends. The bus pulls up, child gets on, child gets off to school.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Okay, Shannon Sharpe, is this a common problem in the NFL? Have you ever had legal troubles with yourself with a spouse or a child?

[Cut to Shannon Sharpe]

Shannon Sharpe: Candy, let me just tell you something. Okay, I have never had any legal trouble of my own, dating all the way back to Roger Goodwell0Candy Crowley0, well I did have some legal troubles. So, yes, yes. Hmm, hmm.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Mr. Sharpe, why is this such an ongoing problem?

[Cut to Shannon Sharpe]

Shannon Sharpe: Well, well, um-hmm, I believe that– Candy, players in NFL are trained to be aggressive. Okay, when you get off that field, you’re full of adrenaline, testosterone, painkillers and butt like line. Okay? The NFL needs to calm these players down. You know, maybe have some herbal tea. You know the possibility go to infinity, Candy. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Alright, let’s look at another clip from Roger Goodwell who I think announced more steps the NFL is taking on domestic abuse.

[Cut to Roger Goodwell]

Roger Goodwell: We want to be part of the solution. So, the NFL is organizing it’s own “Take back the night!” march on October 8th. What this says is we fight women. Oh! Excuse, me. We fight FOR women. We fight for different women? No? Oh! Yeah, of course not. I’m so sorry.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Whatever Goodwell is saying, he’s certainly firm about it. Ray Lewis, I’ve just been told that you did have some legal trouble when you were arrested in Roger Goodwell000. Is this a systemic problem?

[Cut to Ray Lewis]

Ray Lewis: School bus pulls up, child goes inside.

[Cut to Ray Lewis and Shannon Sharpe]

Shannon Sharpe: Candy, Candy! Can I cut, I’m asking something.

[cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Um, yes. I’m sorry. Mr. Sharpe, did your bow-tie just get bigger?

[Cut to Shannon Sharpe]

Shannon Sharpe: Okay, Candy, this is a wide issue, okay? And NFL can’t possibly solve it. So, I’m looking forward to all this being solved by the NFL very soon. Yes, I am. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Alright, let’s take a break to sort this out, but first, Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Cialis Turnt

Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Taran opening mirror cabinet and looking for medicine.

Male voice: You’ve dealt with your erectile dysfunction.

[Cut to Taran getting in the room]

Taran: Hi, I’m ready.

[Cut to Cecily Strong in bed]

Cecily Strong: That’s okay. Not tonight.

Male voice: But something’s still missing.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: What’s wrong?

[cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: You’re able to achieve an erection and that’s great. But I need more than that. I need you to get turned.

[drums rolling]

Male voice: Introducing new Cialis Turnt. The only pill that combats your erectile dysfunction [Taran takes the pill] while giving you that unbeatable hip-hop sensation of getting turned.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: I’m about to love you like there’s a roller coaster in my penis.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: What?

[Cut to Taran jumping and dancing to a trap music.]

[song is saying “Everybody get turnt!”]

Male voice: And Cialis Turnt is isn’t just for me.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: When I started taking anti depressants, I lost my sex drive. But that’s when I found Turnt. And now, I freak my man crisis.

[Aidy Bryant takes the pill]

[Aidy Bryant is jumping and dancing to the same music]

Male voice: Ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough for sexual activity. [Cut to Taran dancing in a club] Then ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough to get Turnt because that’s a whole another thing. If you’re turnt for more than 6 hours, congratulations, you’re not legally Lil’ Wayne. Cialis Turnt, there’s a lot of ecstasy in this.

Women in the Workplace: Dealing with Diversity

Donna Fingerneck… Cecily Strong

Jodi Cork… Kate McKinnon

D’Angelo… Vanessa Bayer

T Harrison… Chris Rock

Aidy Bryant

Todd…Taran Killam

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with intro of “Women in the Workplace”.]

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork in their set]

Donna Fingerneck: Welcome. It’s me, Donna Fingerneck.

Jodi Cork: And as always, I’m Jodi Cork. Isn’t it hard being a woman in the workplace in the 1990s?

Donna Fingerneck: Sure can. That’s right. You’re watching. This video series. In previous lessons, you’ve learned how to dress for success, where to cry at work and excusing yourself from an important meeting.

Jodi Cork: Because you have to tinkle, or worse.

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck]

Donna Fingerneck: Today’s tape deals with diversity in the workplace. Have you ever gone to work and had a diverse person try to talk to you and you didn’t know where to look?

[Cut to Jodi Cork]

Jodi Cork: Or have you ever accidentally offended a diverse person so much that you walked into a closet and stayed there the rest of the day? Even though every time someone got their coat, they saw you in there?

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Donna Fingerneck: Have you?

Jodi Cork: I have for sure.

Donna Fingerneck: And I did twice. So, I have more than once. Let’s watch this workplace simulation starring D’Angelo Tomae and T Harrison Cartel.

Jodi Cork: Will D’Angelo be able to work around T Harrison’s diversity?

Donna Fingerneck: Let’s view and see.

[Cut to D’Angelo and T Harrison]

D’Angelo: I wonder who they’ll hire to fill the boss position.

T Harrison: They’ve already done it, and it’s me.

D’Angelo: Oh, no, no. That can’t be right. Let’s start over.

T Harrison: Well, we can’t. I’m here and that’s the way it is. Let’s have a good working relationship.

[T Harrison gives his hand to D’Angelo to shake]

D’Angelo: I don’t know your handshakes. But I’ll try.

[T Harrison does her signature shake with clapping, finger snapping and dancing]

T Harrison: I don’t like that. I’m going to my office to listen to Shawday and try to forget you.

[T Harrison leaves]

[Cut to D’Angelo]

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Donna Fingerneck: Did you see D’Angela went wrong? She’s over compensating too much. That makes her seem like a nervous bigot.

Jodi Cork: Or more.

Donna Fingerneck: She should make him feel welcome and appreciated by resting his chin on his shoulder and paying him a compliment.

Jodi Cork: Watch now as D’Angela puts this diversity truck in reverse-city.

Donna Fingerneck: See if you can spot the compliments she tells.

[cut to D’Angelo and T Harrison]

T Harrison: These files have to be filed all the way. You think you can handle that?

D’Angelo: Yes, sir. But first, let me pay you a compliment.

T Harrison: All right, I would like that.

[D’Angelo gets behind T Harrison and puts her chin on T Harrison’s shoulder.]

D’Angelo: Here it is and I mean that. I honestly bet you’re big down there.

T Harrison: Hmm, down there?

D’Angelo: Below your waist band, where your water comes out.

T Harrison: I am big down there. But that’s a stereotype for my wife to deal with. You’re almost fired.

[cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Donna Fingerneck: Oh, D’Angela. What a mess. She’s got he’s inks all over her face.

Jodi Cork: She needs to do major damage control and out-diverse him.

Donna Fingerneck: Show up in a wheel chair and tell her you’re a lesbian.

Jodi Cork: But be ready to go through with it, both of it.

Donna Fingerneck: Let’s see if D’Angela can turn her prejudice into preju-dat’s better!

[Cut to Aidy bring D’Angelo to the office on a wheel chair. T Harrison is watching.]

T Harrison: Wow, I didn’t know were a wheel chaired lesbian.

D’Angelo: Yes! For the rest of my life I think. Right honey?

Aidy: You know it.

[Cut to D’Angelo and Aidy kissing]

[Cut to D’Angelo, T Harrison and Aidy]

T Harrison: Wow. You’re even more diverse than me. You’re promoted.

[Todd walks in]

Todd: [in gay voice] Hey! That promotion was for me.

T Harrison: Sorry Todd.

D’Angelo, T Harrison and Aidy: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Jodi Cork: Good job D’Angela and T Harrison. You really taught us something next level terrific.

[Jay walks in and stands behind Donna Fingerneck]

Jay: Hi, ladies.

Donna Fingerneck: Oh, we have to go. Our dates are here. We are biracial couple.

[Beck walks in and puts his hand on Jodi Cork’s shoulder.]

Beck: Hi, sweety!

Jodi Cork: And I don’t do that. Sorry.

Beck: Let’s all blow kisses.

[The couples kiss]

[Ends with an outro]