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Cut for Time: Twinings Extreme | Season 44 Episode 20

[Starts with a clip of a UK flag]

[Cut to a clip of football stadium]

[Cut to Alex Moffat playing as a keeper]

Alex: In England, we don’t know when to quit. [Alex couldn’t save the ball]

[cut to Emma Thompson]

Emma: We don’t say enough is enough. [Emma misses the tennis shot]

[Cut to Mikey Day with a cricket bat]
Mikey: In England, it’s all or nothing. [Mikey misses the cricket ball hit]

Announcer: And English athlete needs and English sports drink.

[Cut to Alex drinking sports drink in a tea cup]

Introducing Twinning’s Extreme, tea for sport.

[Cut to Mikey pouring his tea in the changing room]

A brewed hot tea designed for peak performance. Available in 3 lively blends. Engineered to keep Britain’s best at the top of their game. Refuel with the English Breakfast XL.

[Cut to Emma]
Emma:  And come out swinging. [Emma hits the tennis ball hard]

[Cut to Alex preparing his tea]

Announcer: Replenish with Darjeeling Octane.

[Alex saves the ball from opponent’s goal]

[Cut to Mikey with his cricket bat]

Announcer: Recover with with Earl Grey RX.

Mikey: So I can be my best for entire 3 to 5 days of a cricket match.

Emma: It’s ready to serve faster and so am I.

Narrator: And with our portable sport kettle, you’ll never be far from a fresh pot. Simply unscrew the base and light the sterno lamp with the attached flint. When the water in there is boiled, unscrew the cap, drop in the bag of Twinning’s Extreme and wait for it to steep, add the pouch of milk and allow ample time to incorporate. Don’t rush. Some things take time. When the tea and milk are fully blended, pop open the sport cap and  crack on like a champion. Twinning’s Extreme, tea for sport. Cool down with a hot tea.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson being burnt by hot water]

Available wherever sport teas are sold.

Emma Thompson Monologue | Season 44 Episode 20

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

Emma Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Emma Thompson!

[Emma Thompson walks in the door and to the stage]

Emma Thompson: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you all so much. I am Emma Thompson. And I am so thrilled to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. It’s incredible to be standing here working alongside my beloved husband of 16 years, Kenan Thompson. Thanks, Doll. This is of course the mother’s day show and in fact my daughter is in the audience tonight. To her I’d just like to say sorry. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. A blanket sorry. As she knows, sometimes it can be hard to decipher what our mothers are in fact saying. They do speak in code. So, as a mother myself I’d like to offer a little language lesson, to help you understand what we mean. With some help from other mothers. Do you want to join me, girls?

[Tina Fey and Amy Poehler join Emma Thompson]

[Cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: Hello. We are mothers.

Amy Poehler: Yes. ‘Wine Country’, hello.

Emma Thompson: Hello, then. Welcome to mother speak 101. When you ask your mother what she wants to do for mother’s day and she says–

Tina Fey: “Just to relax in the backyard. Maybe a massage.”

Emma Thompson: What she’s actually asking is—

Amy Poehler: “How does one buy weed?”

Emma Thompson: When your mother sees what you’re wearing and says–

Amy Poehler: “Oh, I like that shirt.”

Emma Thompson: What she’s trying to say is–

Tina Fey: “Oh, I think I bought you that shirt.”

Amy Poehler: When your mom tells you,

Emma Thompson: “You look tired.”

Tina Fey: what she means is–

Emma Thompson: “You look bad.” Now, a mum sometimes needs help expressing herself. When she says, —

Tina Fey: “Can we just not talk about politics?”

Emma Thompson: Shat she actually means is–

Amy Poehler:  “Please doing ruin Joe Biden for me. He’s what I picture.”

Emma Thompson: Mums contain multitudes, when she says–

Amy Poehler: “Son, you know I love you just the way you are.”

Emma Thompson: She is actually saying–

Tina Fey: “I am bored of waiting for you to tell me you’re gay. Just do it so I can buy rainbow stuff.”

Emma Thompson: When she says–

Tina Fey: “I love all my kids the same.”

Emma Thompson: She means–

Amy Poehler: “You sister is winning.”

Tina Fey: This may come as a shock, but your mother has a life outside of you, so when she says–

Emma Thompson: “I’m going to book club tonight.”

Amy Poehler: What she means is,

Emma Thompson: “I’m about to get turned at Linda’s.” She sure is. Sometimes what you mother means varies based on where she’s from. For example, if your mum asks what are you doing for mother’s day and she’s from Philadelphia, she means–

Tina Fey: “You better come down to the shore for mother’s day brunch. Pop-pop’s making Mimosas.”

Emma Thompson: But mothers from Boston could mean–

Amy Poehler: “If your car is not parked in my yard on mother’s day, I’m going to have a freaking heart attack and you can go eat at Wahlburgers.”

Emma Thompson: British mothers are a particular breed of cryptic.

Amy Poehler: When your British mum says–

Emma Thompson: “Splendid!”

Tina Fey: What she means is–

Emma Thompson: “I’m sad. I’m happy. How are you? You embarrass me. I’m crazy. You’re drunk.” Splendid is sort of our Aloha. And finally, when she says–

Amy Poehler: “You are driving me crazy.”

Tina Fey: “Why do you have to be so stubborn?”

Emma Thompson: “I could strangle you.” She means,

Amy Poehler: I love you. Archie and Abel.

Tina Fey: Allison and Penelope, you make me so happy.

Emma Thompson: Gaia and Tindy, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Jonas brothers are here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Meet the Press Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 20

Chuck Todd… Kyle Mooney

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Susan Collins… Cecily Strong

Lindsay Graham… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Meet the Press intro]

[Cut to Chuck Todd in his set]

Chuck Todd: Hello, I’m Chuck Todd, and welcome to Meet the Press. [Cheers and applause] I hope you like my bangs. Something new I’m trying for the summer. With me today is the senate majority leader Mitch McConnell.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Overjoyed to be here.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Senator from Maine Susan Collins.

[Cut to Susan Collins]

Susan Collins: I’m here, and I have a lot to say. Unless someone else wants to speak.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: And Senate Judiciary Chariman and the GOP’s latest badboy, Lindsey Graham.

[Cut to Lindsey Graham]

Lindsay Graham: I’m sorry, kids out there. But it is an f-ing honor, Chuck.

[Cut to everybody]

Chuck Todd: Okay. This week President Trump has escalated his trade war with China. It’s estimated that this will coast the country $1.4 trillion in market value. Now, you all have opposed tariffs in the past. Do you all support the president’s Tariffs now some.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Well, Chuck, there’s a simple answer to that. There was no collusion.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Okay, but I’m asking you about China.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Yeah-huh. Mm-hmm.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Let’s try Lindsey Graham. After opposing Tariffs for decades, why do you suddenly support them from president Trump?

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham:  Chuck, listen. When you have a president who’s a financial genius and business Jesus like Donald Trump, you’ve just got to trust him. This man has lost 100 times more money than I’ve ever made.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: You’ve done a complete 180 on the president, even after calling him a jackass during the campaign?

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Chuck, listen, I am a man of convictions and principles. Unless he can help me. And then it’s new Lindsey, who dis?

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Senator Collins, how does it make you feel to see the president just unilaterally doing what he wants?

[Cut to Susan]

Mitch McConnell: Chuck, I’ll be the first to admit that some of the things this administration is doing makes me want to shake my head vigorously and wag my finger once. Perhaps twice.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Which brings to us this week’s topic. What would it take for president Trump to lost your support? I’m going to give you guys some hypothetical scenarios and you tell me if any of them would be enough for the president to lose your support.

[Cut to Susan]

Mitch McConnell: Well, you just bring it on, Chuck, because if you think Susan Collins is a pushover, well, then you’ve got another–

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: All right, scenario one. Robert Mueller testifies before congress and says he believes Trump committed obstruction of justice. Do you still support him?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Well, we need a leader that’s willing to do what he’s got to do to win.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham:  That’s absolutely right. See, the best way to uphold the law is to be above it, Chuck.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: What if he says Trump colluded with the Russians?

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Well, I’d have to write a strongly worded email and send it straight to my draft folder.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Next hypothetical. What if the president admits that he’s not as religious as he claims?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Ha-ha. Well, if you don’t already know that, that’s kind of on you, Chuck.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: He’s not even Christian. He’s Jewish.

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Even better, that’s great for Isreal.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: You know, I can think of another great man who was Jewish. Jesus Christ–

[Cut to everybody]

Susan Collins: [Interrupting] Sammy Davis Jr. What if you found out president Trump was a Muslim?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: A Muslim? Oh, just the thought of that makes me want to stress eat. [Takes a vegetable leaf out and takes a bite of it]

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Okay. You listen, you wait just a minute, Chuck. What kind of Muslim are we talking about? Are we talking about like Dr. OZ?

[Cut to Chuck and Lindsey]

Chuck Todd:  I mean like Louis Farrakhan.

Lindsay Graham: But, do we still get those tax cuts?

Chuck Todd: You do.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Okay. Well, then I guess it’s Salam Aleikhem brother president.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Okay, next scenario. What if Donald Trump divorced his wife Melania?

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Love can be a tricky thing.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: And he leaves her for Stormy Daniels.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Well, that would actually make more sense because that’s a hot girl.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: How about Kathy Griffin?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: A Kooky redhead? I get it.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: What if he leaves her for Alexandria Ocasio Cortez?

[Cut to everybody]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, no.

Lindsay Graham: That fool!

Susan Collins: That’s – No.

Chuck Todd: And he also pledges to love, honor and enact her green new deal.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: Now, that just crosses the line. There are some things you can’t forget.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: So he would lose your support?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: He would not.

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: I would show up to the wedding but not before I mumbled a strong rebuke quietly into my lean cuisine.

Chuck Todd: Okay, what if the president gave you’re your personal cell phone number to thousands of strangers who then harassed you and sent death threats causing you to get rid of your phone?

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Well, Chuck, I do have to disqualify myself because back in 2015 the president actually did that to me.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Yeah, I know. I was just seeing if you remember. Okay. Let’s say Trump open hand slaps you in the face. What would you say then?

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Hareder, daddy.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: Senator Collins, you support Roe V. Wade.

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Yes, I sure do. Yeah. \

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: What if the president declared that life begins not at conception but at erection?

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: Oh, please. I have been a vocal champion of women’s rights for over 30 years. That would be the most outrageous, ridiculous thing that I’d ever—I’m definitely voting for it.

[Cut to Chuck]

Chuck Todd: So, there’s absolutely nothing president Trump could do to lose you support?

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: No, no. I wouldn’t say that. Let’s say hypothetically, he got gay married.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsay Graham: Yeah. To the leader of ISIS.

[Cut to Susan]

Susan Collins: And they had matching diapers fashioned out of the original constitution.

[Cut to Mitch]

Mitch McConnell: That may be—who are we kidding? We’ll always be ride or die bitches.

[Cut to everybody]

Chuck Todd: I guess there’s nothing left to say but—Together: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on Living with His Mom | Season 44 Episode 20

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

Amy Davidson

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his Weekend Update set]

Colin Jost: Well, Mother’s day is tomorrow. [Laughter] Here with some thoughts is our own Pete Davidson. [Cheers and applause]

[Pete Davidson joins Colin Jost]
Pete Davidson: Hey, man. So this is going to be a special Mother’s day for me because this year she’s not just my mom, but she’s also my roommate. [Laughter]

Colin Jost: Oh, wow. That’s great. So, you’re living with your mom?

Pete Davidson: You don’t have to say it like I’m a loser like – [Cut to Pete] I know what people think. You know, they see you on TV and magazines and stuff and they think, “Wow, that guy must have his own place.” [Laughter] You know? Nope. But it’s not like I moved into her house. I just bought a house with my mom like a winner. [Laughter]

[Cut to Pete and Colin]

Colin Jost: Right. I mean, I’ve heard of people buying houses for their mom.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I didn’t do that, if I buy a house, [Cut to Pete] I’m going to live in it. But I told her it’s not like a mother-son thing. Now we’re just homeys.

[Cut to Pete and Colin]
Colin Jost: Homeys, okay, so she’s staying out of your business?

Pete Davidson: For the most part. But I won’t lie. It’s weird to get caught masturbating at my age. [Cut to Pete] Because when you’re like 15 and your mom catches you, it’s embarrassing. But on some level when she closes the door she’s proud. You know? She’s like, “Wow, my boy is growing up.” [Cut to Pete and Colin] [Pete looks at Colin] You know? [Laughter]

Colin Jost: Yeah, I don’t know, man. I don’t know if that’s how moms feel.

[Cut to Pete]
Pete Davidson: No, but when you’re 25 and your mom catches you masturbating, it’s like this should not have happened. Who just walks into the kitchen without knocking? Thankfully, that’s a lesson my mother and sister finally learned. [laughter]

[Cut to Pete and Colin]

Colin Jost: Your sister lives there too?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, and she’s 21 and still living at home. Isn’t that sad? [laughter] [Cut to Pete] It’s weird living with my mom and sister because sometimes I’ll see a strange dude in the house and I don’t know if he’s some dirt bag preying on my sister of the saint who’s going to take my mom off my hands. [laughter] But she really is the best and I put her through a lot so I’d like to bring her out. Please welcome the greatest roommate in the world, Amy Davidson, everybody.

[Amy Davidson joins Pete]

Amy Davidson: Hi everybody.

[Cut to Amy, Pete and Colin]
Colin Jost: Hi, Mrs. Davidson.

Amy Davidson: Hi Colin. Happy mother’s day.

Colin Jost: Thank you. [laughter]

Pete Davidson: Hey man, be nice. It’s my mom.

Colin Jost: What do you guys have planned for tomorrow?

Pete Davidson: What do you mean? I put her on TV. This is it. [Cut to Amy and Pete] You never know. Jon Hamm could be single and watching.

Amy Davidson: I’d also settle for James Spader.

Pete Davidson: All right. You’d settle for a ninja turtle. I just need a new dad.

[Cut to Amy, Pete, Colin and Michael]

Colin Jost: Pete and his mom, everyone.

Pete Davidson: Happy mother’s day.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night!

Happy (Almost) Every Holiday from Adam Sandler | Season 44 Episode 19

Adam Sandler

[Starts with an announcer. It’s an old video marking SNL season 16.]

Announcer: And now here with a mother’s day song is Adam Sandler. Adam?

[Adam Sandler joins. He is palying guitar.]
Adam Sandler: Thank you. Thank you. Here is a song for my mom and all the moms out there.

Mama was the one who reached down
and tied my shoelace
Mama spit on her fingers and used it
to clean dirt off my face

[Cut to video clip of Adam Sandler from season 17, Halloween costume ideas]

If you want an original scary Halloween costume, use your imagination. What’s wrong with just using your face? You can go a Squishy man. [Adam squeezes his face with his both hands] ‘Hey, I’m Squishy man. I want some candy. Give me some candy because I’m Squishy man.”

[Cut to video clip of Adam Sandler from season 18, More Halloween costume ideas]

Or, you can use a prop you have lying around the house. A newspaper is great. You can go this crazy newspaper face. [Adam puts a newspaper in his shirt’s neck hole covering his face] “I’m crazy newspaper face. And I want some candy. Give some candy to crazy newspaper face. It’s a damn newspaper.”

[Cut to video clip of Adam Sandler from season 19, Even more Halloween costume ideas]

Or use a pickle. Go as crazy pickle mustache. [Adam puts a pickle on his lips] “I’m crazy pickle mustache. I was given this name because I have pickle for a mustache. Most people have hair for a mustache, but not me. I have a damn pickle”

[Cut to video clip of Adam Sandler from season 18, Thanks giving. Adam playing a guitar and singing]

A turkey for me, turkey for you
let’s eat turkey in a big brown shoe
love to eat a turkey at the table
I once saw a movie with Betty Grable

[Cut to video clip of Adam Sandler from season 20, Hanukah. Adam playing a guitar and singing]

You don’t need “Deck the Halls”
or “Jingle Bell Rock”
Cause you can spin a dreidel
with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock

both Jewish

Put on your yarmulke
Its time for Hanukkah
The owner of the Seattle Supersonic-ahs
Celebrates Hanukkah

[Cut to video clip of Adam Sandler from season 18, Valentine’s day. Adam playing a guitar and singing]

I love you sweatshirt
red hooded sweatshirt
dep-dep-dep sweatshirt
Shama-lama-ding-dong sweatshirt

Thank you very much!

Rectix | Season 44 Episode 19

Mom… Aidy Bryant

Emily… Heidy Gardner

Beck Bennett

Dad… Adam Sandler

[Starts with a family sitting on a veranda]

Mom: We are going to get some lemonade so you two behave.

Son:  Okay.

[Mom and Emily leave]

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, I’ll tell you that Emily is great. Your mom and I really like her.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Thanks, Pop.

[Son looks disappointed]

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Something on your mind, son?

[Cut to Son]

Son: Actually, yeah. I’m a little embarrassed to say this, but lately I’ve been having a little trouble performing.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: You mean erectile dysfunction?

[Cut to Son]

Son: Has it ever happened to you?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Sure has. It happened to me a lot. [Cut to Son agreeing]

[Cut to Dad]

But then I found out about new Rectix. [Dad takes a huge pill out]

[Cut to Son]

Son: Whoa, that pill is massive, how do you even swallow that thing?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Ha-ha, you don’t swallow it son. You insert it like an suppository and trust me, it works.

[Cut to Son]

Son: So you put that thing—

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Rectix isn’t like ordinary pills. It has a hard 5 inch capsule when placed into your rectum can stop erectile dysfunction dead in it’s tracks.

[Cut to Son]

Son: And it just dissolves up there?

Dad: No, no, [Cut to Dad and son] that’s the best part, son. It stays put for as long as you need it to work. It even comes with an attached loop [Cut to Dad showing the loop of Rectix] so you can retrieve it when you’re through.

[Cut to Son]

Son: So, it’s a butt plug.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: A what? No. It’s a pill.

Narrator: Rectix. The all natural, fast-acting male enhancement pill.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Dad, does mom know about this?

[Cut to Mom coming out with lemonades]

Mom: Well, it was actually my idea. I was afraid your dad would never get an erection ever again.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: One night your mother said to me, “Lay back, let’s try something.”

[Cut to Son]

Son: I really shouldn’t be hearing this.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: Oh, I was skeptical too, son. I remember asking, “What the hell are you doing back there?”

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: And I told him, “Just relax and breathe.”

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: So I said, “What is that, like a pill or something?”

Mom: And I said, “Sure.”

Dad: And it worked. Immediately.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Okay, I got it, dad.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: I tried other methods.

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: But none of those things worked like Rectix vibrating pills.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Wait, so it vibrates too?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: Of course it does. What did you think? That it doesn’t?

[Cut to Son]

Son: Yeah.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: Well, it does. You know what, son, why don’t you borrow mine?

[Cut to Son]

Son: Ew, no.

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: Relax, honey, it’s clean. Every prescription of Rectix is 100% dishwasher safe.

[Cut to Son]

Son: You put that thing in the dishwasher? Stop calling it a prescription. It’s a butt plug.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: It’s a pill.

Mom: It’s a pill.

[Emily comes out with a lemonade for herself]

Emily: Umm, this lemonade is amazing.

[Son slaps the glass out of Emily’s hand]

Son: Don’t put your mouth on that!

[Cut to Rectix precaution video]

Narrator: Side effects might include slight discomfort, extreme discomfort and shift in couple’s power dynamics.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Mom: Honey, what’s gotten into you?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Rectix.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Oh, my god.

Dad: It’s a pill.

War Zone Reporter | Season 44 Episode 19

Brooke Baldwin… Cecily Strong

Arthur Wentzel… Beck Bennett

Brian… Mikey Day

Lieutenant… Adam Sandler

[Starts with CNN news intro]

Narrator: This is a CNN special report.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin in her news set]

Brooke Baldwin: Chaos in Tripoli this afternoon as multiple militias fight for control of the city. [Arthur Wentzel joins Brooke] Brooke Baldwin joined by former CIA analyst Arthur Wentzel.

Arthur Wentzel: Hello.

Brooke Baldwin: All satellite and internet communications in the region have been cut off but we were able to connect with our reporter in Tripoli via phone. [Cut to split screen. Brooke and Arthur are on the left side, Brian is on the right side] Brian, can you hear me?

Brian: Yes, hello, I’m here at the Mirador hotel with other journalists taking refuge from the war zone outside. [Cut to Brian] I apologize about the picture quality. I’m using a social streaming app on my phone that is somehow able to get through. [Sound of a blast]

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Brian, are you there?

Arthur Wentzel: Sounded like some sort of explosion.

Brooke Baldwin: Brian, are you okay? Y

[Cut to Brian streaming with a Snapchat filter]

Brian: Yes, I am okay. That was a mortar round. There is a lot of activity immediately outside of the hotel. Is everyone okay? I won’t lie. I’m very scared right now.

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Brian, are you using Snapchat to connect with us?

[Cut to Brian streaming with another Snapchat filter]

Brian: I think so. Is there an issue with the video? I cannot see my screen. It was shattered as we fled our press convoy. Can you see me?

[Cut to split screen. Brooke and Arthur are on the left side, Brian is on the right side]

Arthur Wentzel: Yes, we can, and you look like, I want to say, Simon’s girlfriend from Alvin and the Chipmunks. It’s dumb, but I’m smiling.

[Cut to Brian streaming with another Snapchat filter]

Brian: Again, I’m sorry, I cannot see my screen. [Sound of breaking] Someone is trying to get into my room.

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Brian, do you know who’s trying to get into your room?

Arthur Wentzel: And do you know if those filters free with the app or do you have to pay?

[Cut to Brian streaming with another Snapchat filter. Now, he is a birthday raccoon.]

Brian: Soldiers with guns have entered my room. I’m unarmed. I’m an American journalist. American!

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Okay, we seem to have lost the feed. We hope Brian is okay. Arthur, now as an expert in this region, what do you make of what we just saw?

Arthur Wentzel: Well, I believe that was a meerkat but it could have been a lemur. Either way, that’s the best one I’ve seen.

Brooke Baldwin: I’m being told the feed is back. Brian?

[Cut to Brian with Lieutenant.]

Brian: Yes, hello, this is a lieutenant in the people’s militia. He has agreed to speak with us.

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Lieutenant, what is your organization fighting for?

[Cut to Lieutenant with a rainbow filter.]

Lieutenant: Freedom! Wait, I can see on the TV I look silly.

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Yes, and we apologize. But lieutenant, if you gained power, would you promise to hold open elections?

[Cut to Lieutenant with another filter]

Lieutenant: Oh, my god, look how weird I am. [laughing] Can you imagine if I looked like this? Ha-ha-ha! I look like old-timey doctor who comes to your house with a bag.

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Arthur Wentzel: Ha-ha-ha. I was going to say Ellis Island Immigrant but I see what you mean by old-timey doctor.

Brooke Baldwin: This is serious.

Arthur Wentzel: But he looks funny.

Brooke Baldwin: Lieutenant, if I may ask, who is in charge of your Militia?

[Cut to Lieutenant with another filter]

Lieutenant: Wait, wait. Our leader is here right now. Would you like to speak to her?

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Very much, yes, ma’am? Ma’am, are you there? Ma’am?

[Cut to Lieutenant with a girl filter]

Lieutenant: [In a woman’s voice] Hi, do you like my hair? Do you like my makeup?

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Arthur Wentzel: Hubba hubba.

[Cut to Lieutenant with a rabbit filter]

Lieutenant: I must go. But to the world I say this. Blood will never stop flowing until our people are free. Ha-ha! Funny dance! [Sound of explosion]

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Sounds like the fighting is close.

Arthur Wentzel: Yes, he’d better hop to it.

Brooke Baldwin: Brian, are you still there?

[Cut to Lieutenant with a hotdog filter]

Brian: Uh, yes. The fighting is in the hotel now. Soldiers are moving us to a new location. I’m unclear where I am going. Oh, my god, that’s a dead body. Kids, if you want to be a journalist, this is what it looks like. Brian Makins, live in Tripoli.

[Cut to Brooke and Arthur]

Brooke Baldwin: Stay safe, Brian. That was some brave reporting, plain and simple.

Arthur Wentzel: Not plain. He had mustard.

Brooke Baldwin: Go! Go! We’ll be right back. Out.

[Ends with CNN outro]

Holes | Season 44 Episode 19

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Adam Sandler

[Music video. It looks like a video of rock song in ‘80s]

Beck Bennett: Clothes, we wear them everyday. I’m even wearing it right now.

Kyle Mooney: But what are they? Cloth? Sure.

Beck Bennett: But if you look a little closer, you’ll realize the clothes are actually just holes.

Kyle Mooney: It’s a lot, I know. Don’t worry sweet thing! We’ll break it down.

Beck Bennett: My shirt has a hole just for my neck
two long holes for my arms
and a big hole for my waist
my shirt is just holes

Kyle Mooney: My pants, two long holes for my legs
and a big hole for my waist
where my pants will meet my shirt
my pants are just holes

Beck Bennett: But clothes are not the only things with holes

Kyle Mooney: No, no, no!

Beck Bennett: Our bodies,

Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney: Our bodies, they have holes too
Clothes are holes, yeah, yeah!
and we get inside those holes
to cover our bodies
then our bodies’ prive in holes

Beck Bennett: Because we cannot show those holes

Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney: it’s a law that was based a long time ago

Beck Bennett: We wear public holes on our private holes.

Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney: Those are holes called clothes.

Beck Bennett: I think about holes every night and day
because everyone wears holes

Kyle Mooney: Some people in holy holes
a boxer in a short holes
you wear your best holes to the prom

Beck Bennett: Our hip-hop holes and cowboy holes
and the holes that get to fly in the space

Kyle Mooney: Winston Churchill made big decision wearing holes.

Beck Bennett: Federico Bellini, Roberto Benigni
they finally made Italian holes
even Andy Warhol wore holes

Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney: To cover up, Andy wore holes
Clothes are holes, yeah, yeah!
and we get inside those holes
to cover up bodies
then our bodies’ prive in holes

Beck Bennett: Because if we all showed our holes
you would see all the holes of the people you know
and I don’t want to see those holes

Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney: I want to see clothe’s holes

Adam Sandler: [Comes in with a guitar] Wow, wow, wow.
I think I’m seeing holes now
everybody hold now
wow
Your papa and you mama and your sister and brother
all have holes

I press my holes and I steam my holes
and I take my holes to the cleaners
yeah, yeah, yeah
hold it, hold it, hold it now
come on, come on

Everybody: Clothes are holes, yeah, yeah!
and we get inside those holes
to cover our bodies
then our bodies’ prive in holes
because if we all free our holes
there’ll be a lot of butt holes at your funeral
so that’s why we wear holes
and holes are clothes

Beck Bennett: I don’t know. It’s something I’ve been thinking about.

Weekend Update: Opera Man Returns | Season 44 Episode 19

Colin Jost

Opera man… Adam Sander

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: After a very long absence, here once again to look at people and places in the news, it’s Weekend Update’s Opera man.

[Music plays]

[Opera man joins]

[Opera man is waving a scarf]

Opera Man: [There’s a picture of Game of Thrones logo at left top corner]

Game of Thrones-Ah, almost finito
molto exciting, edge of my seat-o
we can’t wait for final show-ah
so we can cancel our HBO-ah

[Picture changes to a horse race]

Kentucky derby very fasto
one in first and one in lasto
winning horse is magnifioso
losing horse is delicioso

[Picture changes to James Harden]

Beard man. He cry-o
Draymond poke him in eye-o
He say beardie kicks [Picture changes to Kevin Durant]
Just wait ’til Durant comes to the Knicks! [Cheers and applaud]

[Picture changes to cover poster of the movie ‘Long Shot’]

Pretty lady, goofy man-ah
Opera man no understand-ah
silly face but still he score-ah
where have I seen this before-ah? [Picture changes to Adam Sandler movies with pretty ladies]

Come on man! Let’s go man!

[Picture changes to Kamala Harris and Kirsten Gillibrand]
Kamala, Gillibrand
[Picture changes to Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth Warren]
Klobuchar, Warren
They have slim chance-o
they no wear pants-o

[Picture changes to Cory Booker, Pete Buttigieg and Beto o’Rourke]

Cory, Pete and Beto
Will have to wait-o
Here we go again
[Picture changes to Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders]
Seventy year old men

[Picture changes to Joe Biden getting close to different women]

Gropa gropa, Sniffa sniffa
young or olda, make no diffa
Joe for this you, won’t go far-o
to win white house, you need to bang porn star-o [Picture changes to Stormy Daniels]

[Picture changes to William Barr]

Where did Barr go?
He did not show
Check every single Wendy’s!

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]
Trumpa, Dumpa, Trumpa, Dumpa
I make-a the wall
I playa the golf
and they take-a the fall

Trumpa, Dumpa, Trumpa, Dumpa
They afraid to impeach
I get to make-a the wall
And Putin make me his beetch

[Picture changes to Opera man from many years ago]

So very long since I’ve been around-ah
24 years and 24 pounds-ah
so glad to be back
now I get a snack

Opera man 

bye-bye!

[People start throwing roses]

[Colin and Michael join the Opera man]

Colin Jost: Opera man, everyone. Opera Man. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update: Senator Elizabeth Warren on College Debt Forgiveness | Season 44 Episode 19

Colin Jost

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Senator Elizabeth Warren recently unveiled the plan to eliminate student loan debt and make public colleges free. Here to comment is Senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Senator Elizabeth Warren joins]

Elizabeth Warren: All right. Hi, Colin. I’m so glad to be here. Hey, how are you?

Colin Jost: Okay. So senator, you rolled out some very ambitious new plans.

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, yeah. I guess.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

I guess I’m setting myself apart from the other candidates by saying what I’m going to do and how I’m going to do it. Whoa, what a crackpot idea.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

Colin Jost: Yes, yes. Well, people have been very excited about your college debt plan.

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, you’re damn right, Colin.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

When I went to college in Oklahoma, it was affordable. It cost $2.5 a semester. My dorm was an empty grain silo. And I got a scholarship for playing varsity hoop and stick. Look, College debt forgiveness is essential. I wish I could be forgiven for what I did in college. But that squirrel family was there, and I already had a broth going.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

Colin Jost: All right. Well–

Elizabeth Warren: We fought.

Colin Jost: Yeah, sounds like you really valued education.

Elizabeth Warren: Of course, I do. You know, all I ever wanted was to be was a teacher, [Cut to Elizabeth] because back then smart girls could be three things. A teacher, a nurse who gets kissed on the street by a soldier, or a dead mother of eight.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

Colin Jost: And do you think that all of your proposals are going to help set you apart from some of these other candidates?
Elizabeth Warren: Well, I sure hope so. Look, Colin, [Cut to Elizabeth] I mean, what a frickin clown car I found myself in. I’m over here working round the clock to give you free college but look at that, beto o’dork did parkour in a Starbucks. Wow. Whoops, I just figured out university pre-k, but what’s that over there, mayor Pete Bugugagudiguge playing piano and speaking fluent Klingon. I know as a democrat I’m not supposed to say this, but speak English. Frick!

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

We’re going to have a fight.

Colin Jost: No, no. Settle down, Senator. And now, what about now that Joe Biden is now officially running too?

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, yeah. Great! Everyone make room for good old Joe, the Amtrak masseuse. What a hero.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Look, Colin, if I lose, I’ma still be fighting in the US senate and where will old Joe be? Sitting on Rehoboth beach, reading a Tom Clancy novel, picking salt water taffy out of his veneers.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

And that’s a fight. That’s a good fight.

Colin Jost: And senator, you were also the first candidate to call for Trump’s impeachment.

Elizabeth Warren: Look, duh, Colin, okay. ‘Cause nobody’s above the law.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Impeachment is this guy’s middle name. That and jackass. But all the other democrats are still concerned with decorum. It’s like the Titanic is sinking, and we’re politely waiting in line for the bathroom. Who cares? Just go ahead, America, stick your ass over the rail and go.

[Cut to Colin and Elizabeth]

Colin Jost: Elizabeth Warren, everyone.

Elizabeth Warren: I will be VP. Thank you, sir.