Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 1

10a: Amy Poehler / Katy Perry

Amy Poehler’s Monologue

…..Amy Poehler
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Justin Timberlake
…..Rachel Dratch
…..Tina Fey
…..Vanessa Bayer
…..Paul Brittain
…..Taran Killam
…..Seth Meyers
…..Nasim Pedrad
…..Jay Pharoah
…..Kristen Wiig
Security Guard…..Fred Armisen
Lorne Michaels…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman — Amy Poehler!

Amy Poehler: Thank you! Thank you very much! Wow! Thank you so much. It is good to be back. Hosting “SNL” is completely surreal for me. When I was in the cast, we would every now and then get a real diva host. And if I ever hosted, I would be that diva… And I am the best in the world!!

[ Amy bows. ]

Amy Poehler: For those of you who don’t know a lot about me, much like Betty White, I’m 88 1/2 years old. I’ve been very busy since I left “SNL”. I’m proud to be part of another wonderful show called “Parks & Recreation”.

[ Cheers and applause from the audience. ]

Amy Poehler: It is a one-hour cop drama; where I play Rebecca Parks, a tough-talking cop always butting heads with her ex-husband/drug kingpin Jeff Recreation. Check it out! Since I left the show, a lot has happened. I’ve had two beautiful boys… [ Cheers and applause from the audience. ] I’ve also had two sons… so I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell them about the beautiful boys I’ve had. But between us, the two beautiful boys were Nick Jonas & Taylor Lautner — and to them I say, “You’re welcome!”

This is an exciting night! We have four new cast members and I’m honored to share their first episode. Can we cut to them?

[ Vanessa, Paul, Taran and Jay are huddled together; smiling and/or waving. ]

Amy Poehler (V/O): And can we cut back?

[ Back to Home Base. ]

Amy Poehler: Can’t let them get too cocky! But seriously guys – welcome! It’s great to have four people here who’re as nervous as I am. You know, when I used to work here, it was the craziest thing. I would have these stress dreams that I was going to be late for the show. And I hoped those days were behind me, but last night, right on schedule – I had one of those dreams.

[ DISSOLVE TO: A “TWILIGHT ZONE” ESQUE MONTAGE WITH AMY’S BIG WIG CHARACTER FROM SEASON 32 IN CENTER. ]

[ INT. 30 ROCK LOBBY – NIGHT ]

[ Amy enters breathless. A SECURITY GUARD stands guard. ]

Amy Poehler: Fred, I’m late for work!

Security Guard: Oh, I’m not Fred. I’m a security guard and everyone’s mad at you.

[ Amy races around the ticket booths. ]

Amy Poehler: Oh my God! Oh no! Nasim, why are you in my Kaitlin costume!?

[ Nasim’s dressed as Amy’s recurring character Kaitlin. ]

Nasim Pedrad (as Kaitlin): Guess what!? I’m Kaitlin now!

Amy Poehler: What!? No!!!

[ Nasim exits shouting “Rick! Rick! Rick!” ]

Amy Poehler: Wiig!

[ Amy rushes over to Kristen, who’s dressed in a “Laugh-In”-esque go-go costume. ]

Kristen Wiig: Just want to make sure you remember the complicated dance routine!

[ Kristen showcases a series of choreographed steps. ]

Kristen Wiig: Kickball change, kickball change… Peanut butter n’ jelly! Peanut butter – JELLY! Knife catch, knife catch! Got it?

[ Kristen shimmies out of camera frame. ]

Amy Poehler: What!? I have no idea what you’re talking about! Justin!

[ Amy rushes over to Justin Timberlake. ]

Amy Poehler: I’m so nervous.

Justin Timberlake: It’s gonna be okay!

Amy Poehler: Wow!

Justin Timberlake: You wanna rehearse our kissing scene?

[ Amy faces the camera and cracks a grin. ]

Amy Poehler: Why yes! I’d love too!

[ Amy faces Justin eye-to-eye while he tries to kiss her cheek. Amy pivots her head to his lips and they make contact. ]

Justin Timberlake: Ugh!! You’re a terrible kisser!!! I’m going to tell the whole world!

[ Justin moves toward the camera till he’s out of frame. ]

Justin Timberlake: I’m Justin Timberlake and Amy Poehler’s a terrible kisser!!!

Amy Poehler: No! Oh my God!! Help!!! Can someone help me!? Rachel!

[ Rachel Dratch appears. ]

Rachel Dratch: Hey!

Amy Poehler: Hey!

Rachel Dratch: Hi! Hey, Poehler-Bear!

Amy Poehler: Dratch-Bear!

[ Rachel points off-screen. ]

Rachel Dratch: No! Polar Bear!

Amy Poehler: What?

[ A polar bear barges in. Amy screams. The bear drags Rachel away. ]

Rachel Dratch: AVENGE ME!!! AVENGE ME!!!

Amy Poehler: I can’t! I have to do “Update”! Seth!

[ Amy goes over to Seth. ]

Seth Meyers: No… I don’t think we’re doing “Update” tonight.

Amy Poehler: Why?

Seth Meyers: Because they’re back!

Amy Poehler: Who?

Seth Meyers: THEY’RE BACK!!!

[ Seth makes a fearful quick exit as Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey sandwich themselves between Amy and push her around. The audience goes berserk upon seeing the former news team. ]

Jimmy Fallon: [Brooklyn accent] That’s right! No “Update” for you, squirt!

Tina Fey: [Brooklyn accent] Maybe if you’re lucky, we’ll let you do a walk-on!

Jimmy Fallon: [Brooklyn accent] Oh! And Lorne said, “You better not pee your pants!”

Tina Fey: [Brooklyn accent] No! He said, “You SHOULD pee your pants!”

[ Jimmy & Tina guffaw to the camera and out of frame. ]

Amy Poehler: What am I supposed to do!? Am I supposed to pee my pants or not pee my pants!? Lorne!

VLorne Michaels: Believe me, all you need to do is relax. You’re only in a dream.

Amy Poehler: How do you know?

Lorne Michaels: Well, I have this…

[ Lorne pulls out the brushed silver top from “Inception”. ]

Lorne Michaels: It’s a gift that I got from my friend Leo… DiCaprio!

[ Lorne spins the top on a small table in front. ]

[ DISSOLVE TO: HOME BASE. ]

Amy Poehler: Wow! Crazy dream, right? Tonight really is a dream come true. We got a great show for you tonight! Katy Perry is here! So stick around! We’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 1

10a: Amy Poehler / Katy Perry

Maternity Matters

Roger Brush…..Fred Armisen
Leonard…..Bill HaderKanya Donahue…..Kristen Wiig
Terry Facials…..Amy Poehler
John Joseph Darapont…..Andy Samberg
Sheila Whitehead…..Abby Elliott

[ open on program montage ]

Announcer: You’re watching “Maternity Matters”, with Dr. Christine Kurant. The show that addresses all of the questions about being an expectant mother. Dr. Christine is a licensed obstetrician, and a mother of three. And now, please welcome Dr. Christine Kurant.

[ dissolve to the set, where producer Roger Brush sits ]

Roger Brush: Uh… Dr. Kurant is sick. I’m her producer, Roger Brush. Dr. Kurant’s husband called and said she got sick on the way over here, and let’s just say they had to throw her underwear out at the A&P! Anyway, I said, “Take the whole week off, I’ll cover the show.” So, uh, I’m going to do the best I can to answer all your questions? Alright? Uh, let’s go to the audience.

Leonard: This is Kanya Donahue, she’s six months pregnant.

Kanya Donahue: [ nervous ] Hello, um — I wanted to know, is it normal for your nipples to change color?

Roger Brush: [ incredulous ] Your what changed color?!

Kanya Donahue: Um… my — my nipples.

Roger Brush: Yeah, I-I can’t hear you, sweetheart. You’re mumbling.

Kanya Donahue: My nipples.

Roger Brush: Pineapples? You sound like you’re talking to a sponge. What?

Kanya Donahue: [ shouting ] I HAVE VERY DARK NIPPLES!!

Roger Brush: Oh. Oh boy, alright, I gotcha. Here’s what you do: Why don’t you wear two bras, one of top of the other. You know, layer them? That way, if someone’s trying to get in there, you have time, you know, to warn them.

Kanya Donahue: [ bewildered ] What?! What are you talking about?!

Roger Brush: Wha..? Honey, you asked me what I thought! You know, I give you my honest opinion, and you decide you want to be a real handful! I don’t know what to tell ya’! You wanna walk around looking like you got two big chocolate chips in your shirt pockets, knock yourself out!! Let’s go to the next person! Who do we got?

[ Kanya steps aside, as Terry Facials comes forward ]

Leonard: This is Terry Facials. She has a real interesting question.

Terry Facials: Hi. I’m due in six weeks —

Roger Brush: Yeah, speak up, sweetie!

Terry Facials: And, um, I don’t know how to put this.

Roger Brush: Honey! You gotta get LOUD!

Terry Facials: I just don’t — I don’t feel attractive, and I want to feel attractive.

Roger Brush: You wanna feel what?!

Terry Facials: A-attractive. I want to feel attractive.

Roger Brush: [ confused ] For what?

Terry Facials: I don’t know. I just — I want to feel pretty.

Roger Brush: WHY?! Where you going? You going on a date?!

Terry Facials: Nooo. I don’t — it’s just important to me.

Roger Brush: Okay, I don’t know! You know, why don’t you get a flowery dress, put on a bunch of make-up, walk into your husband’s room and say, “I’m sorry, honey — this is what you get!”

Terry Facials: [ speechless ] That’s incredibly rude.

Roger Brush: Which part?

Terry Facials: Dr. Kurant would NEVER tell someone to do that!

Roger Brush: Well, then what are you coming to ME for?! YOU put me on the spot!! You don’t like what I have to say, then just DROP IT!! Don’t drag me down with YOU! I got problems of my own to deal with! You should see my WATER BILL! I gotta call them! Now, who’s next?

[ Terry steps aside, as John comes forward ]

Leonard: This is John Joseph Darapont, and his wife is eight months pregnant.

John Joseph Darapont: Hi, Roger, hi.

Roger Brush: Yeah, finally, right?

John Joseph Darapont: Uh — my wife is in her third trimester, and I was wondering if it’s okay to have sex with her?

Roger Brush: [ disgusted ] What?! That’s gross. Think about your kid! Is that the first thing you want him to see?! Who’s next?!

[ John is speechless, and steps aside as Sheila W comes forward ]

Leonard: This is Sheila Whitehead, she’s in her sixth month.

Roger Brush: Okay, so what’s your deal?

Sheila Whitehead: Um — I noticed that ever since I got pregnant, I’ve had a lot of flatulence.

Roger Brush: What’s that? You were in “Flashdance”?

Sheila Whitehead: No. Flatulence! Gas!

Roger Brush: Tony, what’s going on with the sound? Turn her mike up all the way so I can hear her! Say it!

Sheila Whitehead: [ louder ] I have gas!

Roger Brush: Uh, I don’t like hearing that at all. I want to say this to everyone here: You guys, learn your manners and be polite! Okay?

Sheila Whitehead: Come on, Mr. Brush, she has a serious problem!

Roger Brush: You know who else has a seriou problem? The people sitting behind her. Right, ladies?

Sheila Whitehead: You’re not helping me!

Roger Brush: Well, I don’t know what you want me to tell ya’! You know? Why don’t you just rope off an area of your house and STAY there! God! Who’s next?

[ Sheila steps aside ]

Leonard: No one else wants to go.

Roger Brush: Okay, good! Well, when we come back, Nurse Somers is gonna show us how to use a breast pump! [ he grimaces ] Count me out!

[ cut to program montage ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 1

10a: Amy Poehler / Katy Perry

Ladies Who Lunch

Abby…..Abby Elliott
Vanessa…..Vanessa Bayer
Sylvia…..Kristen Wiig
Trish…..Amy Poehler
Fashion Designer…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Chez Henri ]

[ dissolve to outdoor table as a group of ladies dine together ]

Vanessa: To another great lunch!

[ they toast their glasses ]

Abby: Sylvia, I have to ask: Where did you get that dress?

Sylvia: Oh. It’s actually a very funny story: I was at the Chanel store, just minding my own business, when this man came up to me —

Vanessa: Oh! [ waving ] Trish! We’re over here!

Sylvia: [ continuing ] So this man at the Chanel store came over to me —

Abby: Wait a minute, Sylvia. Everyone, look at Trish’s hat!

[ Trish, wearing a tiny hat, takes her seat ]

Trish: Oh, hi. Sorry I’m late.

Vanessa: My God, Trish! That’s the most adorable little hat I’ve ever seen!

Trish: [ with forced modesty ] Oh. This?

Abby: It’s perfect!

Vanessa: Tiny hats were the rage at Fashion Week! Don’t you just love it, Sylvia?

Sylvia: [ irked that she hasn’t gotten to finish her story ] It’s a very… small hat. Anyway, Trish, I was just telling the girls the wildest story. [ She continues ] So I was at Chanel —

[ a flamboyant Fashion Designer passes the table while holding a Bichon Frise ]

Fashion Designer: I’m sorry — I never do this but that… hat… ROCKS!

[ he walks off ]

Abby & Vanessa: Absolutely! It’s fantastic! It’s just so perfectly Trish…!

[ as they continue to sing their praises, Sylvia shoves salad into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ]

[ cut to exterior, Chez Henri ]

[ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]

[ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]

Vanessa: To US!!

[ they toast their glasses ]

Sylvia: [ wearing a tiny hat of her own ] Oh, yes — to us!

Abby: Love the hat, Sylvia!

Vanessa: Yes.

Sylvia: Oh! [ she giggles ] Thank you!

[ Trish enters wearing her samze-sized tiny hat ]

Trish: Ohhh, sorry I’m late!

Vanessa: Trish! Look at Sylvia! I guess you’re not the only one with an adorable little hat any more!

Trish: Ohhhh, how nice, Sylvia.

Sylvia: [ giggling triumphantly ] Thank you, Trish.

Trish: I tip my hat to you! [ she removes her hat to reveal a tinier hat beneath ]

Vanessa: No!

Abby: A smaller hat?!

[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer passes the table again ]

Fashion Designer: Advantage: Trish!

[ he walks off ]

Vanessa: Trish is a fashion icon!

Abby: She’s amazing!

Vanessa: Unbelievable!

[ as they continue to sing their praises, Sylvia shoves bread into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ]

[ cut to exterior, Chez Henri, with sign: “Trish Eats Here!” ]

[ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]

[ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]

Vanessa: To women!

[ they toast their glasses ]

Abby: So, Sylvia — no hat this week?

Sylvia: [ smirking ] Oh! Oh, I’m wearing a hat. [ she pulls up a microscope and places it on the table ] Take a look into the microscope.

Abby: Hmm?

Sylvia: Tell me what you see! [ she lays her head on the slide ]

Abby: Mmm-hmm. [ she peers into the microscope ] Oh, my God! It’s a microscopic hat!!

[ reveal the image of a hat between hair follicles on the slide ]

Sylvia: [ proudly ] It’s the smallest hat known to man! It cost me $4 million!

Vanessa: I wonder how Trish will respond?

Abby: I think she already has…

[ reveal a microscopic Trish also on the slide, wearing an even tinier hat to match her tiny proportions ] And her HAT!!

[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer is also of microscopic size, and walks past Trish to admire her hat ]

Vanessa: She is just amazing! No one beats Trish!

[ Sylvia, her head still on the slide, shoves a breadstick into her mouth as she stews, an evil music sting piercing the background ]

[ cut to exterior, Trish’s, with sign: “Home of the Tiny Hat” ]

[ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]

[ dissolve to outdoor table as the ladies dine together ]

Vanessa: To Trish!

Sylvia: [ irked ] To Trish?! To Trish?! W-what, did she get another stupid hat?!

Vanessa: Sylvia!

Sylvia: I mean it! As far as I’m concerned, she can just take all her little hats and shove them up her —

Abby: SYLVIA!!

Vanessa: [ calmy ] Trish… died this morning.

[ Sylvia appears stunned ]

Abby: She was in a motorcycle crash — [ choking up ] and her helmet was tiny.

[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer passes the table again, crying ]

Fashion Designer: Ohhhhhhhhhh! [ to Sylvia ] It should have been you!

[ he walks off ]

Sylvia: Oh… I feel awful…

[ suddenly, Trish sits down ]

Trish: Oh! Am I late?

Vanessa: Trish! You’re alive!

Trish: [ she laughs ] Faking your own death is the NEW tiny hat!

[ the flamboyant Fashion Designer returns, cheerful as ever ]

Fashion Designer: Hat’s all, folks!

[ they all share the laugh, as Sylvia shoves pepper down her throat ]

[ dissolve to New York Post headline: “Pope: ‘You Go, Trish!'” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 1

10a: Amy Poehler / Katy Perry

Goodnights

…..Amy Poehler

Amy Poehler: Thank you so much to Katy Perry! Governor David Patterson! Justin Timberlake! Rachel Dratch! Tina Fey! Jimmy Fallon! Maya Rudolph! Lorne Michaels! Seth Meyers! I love you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 1

10a: Amy Poehler / Katy Perry

Actor II Actor

…..Andy Samberg
…..Justin Timberlake

[ open with show’s graphic footage, as audience teenyboppers squeal with delight ]

Announcer: And now, “Actor II Actor”. The show where Andy Samberg goes in-depth with the premier actors of stage and screen, to discuss process, preparation, AND performance. This week: Andy sits down with actor Justin Timberlake.

[ dissolve to Andy and Justin seated in director’s chairs on a darkened stage, as the teeyboppers squeal more enthusiastically ]

Andy Samberg: Justin.

Justin Timberlake: [ extended pause, as he anticipates something more, then, finally: ] Andy.

Andy Samberg: [ extended pause as he makes a series of serious faces ] Acting.

Justin Timberlake: [ waiting ] Yes?

Andy Samberg: [ breathing deeply, then spilling it ] When are you going to make some more music?!

Justin Timberlake: [ upset ] Alright, you know what? That’s it!

[ Justin jumps to his feet and yanks off his microphone ]

Andy Samberg: What?!

Justin Timberlake: [ whining like a little girl ] I’m trying to take this seriously! I’m trying to take this seriously!!

Andy Samberg: Everyone wants to know!

Justin Timberlake: [ as he runs off stage ] Unbelievable!!

Andy Samberg: I’M YOUR FRIEND!! I just want to DANCE again!!

[ title card appears ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:













Bit Players:

Guest Writer:

September 25th, 2010

Amy Poehler

Katy Perry

None

Justin Timberlake

Rachel Dratch

Tina Fey

Jimmy Fallon

Maya Rudolph

Gov. David Paterson

Peter Sarsgaard

None

Emily Spivey

RNC HeadquartersSummary: At the Republican National Committee Headquarters, Christine O’Donnell (Kristen Wiig) rattles off more problematic disgressions from her past.

Transcript

Montage

Amy Poehler’s MonologueSummary: Amy Poehler announces that it’s a dream come true to host “SNL”, then relives her recurring stress dream of being late for the show amid a slew of gratutious celebrity cameos.

Transcript

Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter with a provocatively dressed teenager (Katy Perry) who volunteers as a children’s story reader at the local library.

Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Jodi Deitz.

BosleySummary: Spokesperson (Jason Sudeikis) explains the hair loss restoration system that uses pubic hair as a baldness solution.

Maternity MattersSummary: Aggressive producer Roger Brush (Fred Armisen) fills in when the regular female host is too ill to do the show.

Recurring Characters: Roger Brush.

Transcript

Mosque at Ground ZeroSummary: Pitchman (Bill Hader) lauds the whirlwind of anti-Democratic activity taking place at the Mosque at Ground Zero.

Transcript

Katy Perry performs “California Gurls”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask “Really!?!” in regards to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Although Will Smith (Jay Pharoah) didn’t star in a summer blockbuster this year, he’s thrilled that his spawn has been active on-screen. The real Gov. David Paterson confronts Fred Armisen about the achievements he’s made as a blind governor.

Recurring Characters: Will Smith, Gov. David Paterson.

The Lean YearsSummary: Amy Poehler stars in Showtime’s latest series, which focuses on Amber, a foul-mouthed girl whose private secret is that she only has one leg.

Recurring Characters: Amber.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: At the Academy Awards, Katy Perry sings the title track for the film “Boogerman”, starring Peter Sarsgaard.

Ladies Who LunchSummary: Sylvia (Kristen Wiig) is jealous that Trish’s (Amy Poehler) tiny hats are consistently tinier than her tiny hats.

Transcript

Katy Perry performs “Teenage Dream”

Actor II ActorSummary: Acting enthusiast Andy Samberg ponders when thespian Justin Timberlake will put his craft aside and return to making music.

Transcript

The Even More ExpendablesSummary: Sequels to “The Expendables” feature an ever-expanding collection of quasi-celebrities together in bulk action flicks.

Recurring Characters: Kim Jong Il, Chris Tucker, Rod Blagojevich, Steven Seagal, Tracy Chapman, Brigitte Nielsen.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message From Hillary ClintonSummary: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) addresses the public about President Obama’s ratings.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.

Pepto Bismol IceSummary: Summary: The upset stomach reliever that won’t interrupt a night of wreckless drinking and partying.

Note: This filmed piece will air on next week’s episode hosted by Bryan Cranston.

Family FeudSummary: New host Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson) can’t seem to pronounce any of the answers.

Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey.

LobotomySummary: After his lobotomy, a patient (Andy Samberg) can’t comprehend scientists’ (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler) scientific terms.

American America: I HippieSummary: In a cartoon by Dana Carvey, a hippie talks about the good old days.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: 2009-2010

Starring:

Fred Armisen

Will Forte

Bill Hader

Seth Meyers

Andy Samberg

Jason Sudeikis

Kenan Thompson

Kristen Wiig

Featuring:

Abby Elliott

Bobby Moynihan

Nasim Pedrad

Jenny Slate

Writers:

Doug Abeles

James Anderson

Alex Baze

Jessica Conrad

Jim Downey

Steve Higgins

Colin Jost

Erik Kenward

Jessi Klein

Rob Klein

John Lutz

Seth Meyers

Lorne Michaels

John Mulaney

Paula Pell

Simon Rich

Marika Sawyer

Akiva Schaffer

John Solomon

Emily Spivey

Kent Sublette

Jorma Taccone

Bryan Tucker

Episodes

09/17/09: Weekend Update Thursday 1

09/24/09: Weekend Update Thursday 2

09/26/09: Megan Fox / U2

10/01/09: Weekend Update Thursday 3

10/03/09: Ryan Reynolds / Lady Gaga

10/10/09: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

10/17/09: Gerard Butler / Shakira

11/07/09: Taylor Swift

11/14/09: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

11/21/09: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

12/05/09: Blake Lively / Rihanna

12/12/09: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

12/19/09: James Franco / Muse

01/09/10: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

01/16/10: Sigourney Weaver / The Tings Tings

01/30/10: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

02/06/10: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

02/27/10: Jennifer Lopez

03/06/10: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

03/13/10: Jude Law / Pearl Jam

04/10/10: Tina Fey / Justin Bieber

04/17/10: Ryan Phillippe / Ke$ha

04/24/10: Gabourey Sidibe / MGMT

05/08/10: Betty White / Jay-Z

05/15/10: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

SummaryOn the surface, “Saturday Night Live” ended its extended and election-heavy 34th season with a bang, thanks to a hosting stint by Will Ferrell and a slew of unexpected celebrity cameos. Even more unexpected, following a record fourteen seasons, it was apparent that Darrell Hammond would finally be leaving the cast. Most unexpected of all was the firing of featured performers Casey Wilson and Michaela Watkins. While Wilson’s firing might not have seemed surprising in light of her low visibility all season, newcomer Watkins had gained a secure following among fans with a small handful of characters and impressions which she’d performed all season. Nevertheless, both women were let go and replaced by newcomers Nasim Pedrad and Jenny Slate.

Like Watkins, Pedrad gained a strong following almost immediately, while Slate struggled to find her voice on the show after accidentally dropping the F-bomb on the season premiere. Still, despite the potential of their fresh talent, Kristen Wiig would dominate the season as the alpha female of the late night institution, portraying a limited variety of over-the-top characters with hardly any growrth potential. Unfortunately, the same could be said for just about any cast member this season, where consistent reoccurrences of mildly popular characters became the norm, even with newer sketches and characters that played more successfully as one-time concepts.

Ultimately, the season would define itself by its greatest success — landing the legendary Betty White as a host after four decades of pleading and begging. It took a cheap stunt in the form of a Facebook fan campaign to finally coax her on, but it also resulted in return appearances by former female cast members so they could trot out even more overexposed recurring characters of days gone past.

All in all, a rather mediocre and forgettable season for “SNL” to celebrate 35 years on the air.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Bonus Episode 3

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

October 1st, 2009

None

None

None

Maya Rudolph

None


Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Whoopi Goldberg (Kenan Thompson) and Joy Behar (Fred Armisen) come to Roman Polanski’s defense regarding his ages-old statutory rape charges. Captain Roger Baines (Jason Sudeikis) is bitter that fellow pilot Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger is back at work since he became a hero for crash-landing in the Hudson River. Suze Orman (Kristen Wiig) provides meaningless money-saving tips for these hard economic times. Chicago-born actors John Malkovich (Bill Hader) and Dennis Franz (Darrell Hammond) comment on President Obama’s efforts to have the 2016 Summer Games hosted in their home town. Live via satellite in Copenhagen, Oprah Winfrey (Maya Rudolph) is excited to be near Obama. Political analysts Daryl Hall (Will Forte) and John Oates (Fred Armsen) sing a song about Health Care.

Recurring Characters: Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Suze Orman, John Malkovich, Daryl Hall, John Oates.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Bonus Episode 1

Weekend Update Thursday 2

Obama Interviews

Aide…..Kristen Wiig
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Stuart Scott…..Kenan Thompson
Kathy Griffin…..Nasim Pedrad
Glenn Beck…..Jason Sudeikis
Kristen Cavallari…..Abby Elliott
Guy Fieri…..Bobby Moynihan
Teenage Vampire…..Andy Samberg
Keith Morrison…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Oval Office ]

[ dissolve to interior ]

Aide: Mr. President, we’re ready for the interviews.

President Barack Obama: Okay. Ready to go. [ he sits ] Who’s up first?

Aide: Let’s see, um — [ she consults her list ] So, on Sunday we did NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, and Univision.

President Barack Obama: Uhhh — that’s right. I want to get the health care message out to as wide an audience as possible. I don’t want to shut anyone out of this debate.

Aide: How about FOX News?

President Barack Obama: Nope!

Aide: Uh — well, today we have some cable channels.

President Barack Obama: Great! Let’s do it.

Aide: Next up is ESPN.

[ cut to ESPN logo in front of Oval Office exterior ]

[ dissolve to Stuart Scott ]

Stuart Scott: Boo-yah!! And, Mr. President, you are in the Coors’ Light hot seat!

President Barack Obama: Great.

Stuart Scott: Now, your health plan — would you say it’s strong like Shaq, or smooth like Kobe?

President Barack Obama: Uhh, I like to think it’s the best of both — like LeBron.

[ they bump fists ]

Stuart Scott: Holla out a player when he’s fixing health care! Mr. President, you’re off the Coor’s Light hot seat!

President Barack Obama: Thank you. Thank you. [ to ?? ] Uh, who’s next?

Aide: We have the Bravo Network.

[ cut to Bravo logo in front of Oval Office exterior ]

[ dissolve to Kathy Griffin ]

Kathy Griffin: Uh — hi! Kathy Griffin here! Okay! Uhhhh — here… we… go! Will… there… be… health care… for gays?

President Barack Obama: Uhhh — I certainly hope so.

Kathy Griffin: Uh, okay! Uh, but can you not give it to three specific gays who I hate? Perez Hilton, my ex-stylist Julio, and Spencer Pratt. And, yes… he is!

President Barack Obama: Uhhh — well, Kathy, my bill would cover ALL Americans, even Spencer Pratt.

Kathy Griffin: Ugh! Get a room!

President Barack Obama: Uh, Carol? Who’s next?

Aide: Are you sure you don’t want to speak to FOX News? Who knows, maybe they can be fair and balanced.

President Barack Obama: Really? Let’s check in with Glenn Beck. [ he clicks the television on ]

Glenn Beck: [ in front of chalkboard ] Hey! If I write down the name OBAMA! We can re-arrange the letter and spell AROMA! And I don’t like what I’m smelling! And for those of you saying, “Aw, hey, Glen! Uh, those letter don’t actually re-arrange to spell that!” Well, to you, I say: [ in thick German accent, with a sieg heil ] “In Muzza Russia they do!”

[ Obama clicks the television off ]

Aide: Alright. Up next is M-TV’s Kristen Cavallari, from “The Hills”.

President Barack Obama: Great.

[ cut to M-TV logo in front of Oval Office exterior ]

[ dissolve to Kristen Cavallari ]

Kristen Cavallari: Mr. President! It’s just, like, our WHOLE health care system is, like, I don’t even know! It’s, like, just STUPID! It’s, like, DRAMA! It’s like —

[ as she rambles on and on with great incoherence, President Obama just stares at her like he has no idea how to comprehend this person ]

President Barack Obama: Uhh — I’m sorry. Was that a question?

Kristen Cavallari: [ humbled ] Thank you, Mr. Presidennnnt!

President Barack Obama: [ to Aide ] Uh — next, please.

Aide: Uh — the Food Network. It’s Guy Fieri.

[ cut to Food Network logo in front of Oval Office exterior ]

[ dissolve to Guy Fieri ]

Guy Fieri: [ holding a food plate ] Here’s my health care plan! TWO beef patties! Quarter-melt onion ring! Chili cheese fries! All piled on top of tortilla chips! [ he laughs maniacally ]

President Barack Obama: [ shaking his head ] Uh, yeah — that doesn’t seem like a viable plan.

Guy Fieri: You didn’t let me finish! We top it all off with… [ he grabs a pitcher ] a little LIQUID QUESO! [ he laughs maniacally ]

[ President Obama just stares at Fieri, until the Food Network host nods his head and takes the hint ]

Guy Fieri: I’ll show myself out. [ he exits ]

President Barack Obama: [ to Aide ] Uh, next?

Aide: Uh… well, next, there’s someone from the CW. [ excited ] Oh! A teenage vampire!

[ cut to CW logo in front of Oval Office exterior ]

[ dissolve to Teeange Vampire ]

Teeange Vampire: [ laid-back ] Hey… [ makes finger-quotes ] “O-ba-ma.”

President Barack Obama: I’m sorry — what show are you from again?

Teeange Vampire: I don’t know… one of them vampire shows. Look, just give us some BLOOD, dude! Or dough — whatever! You’re not the BOSS of me!! [ he stands and exits, then quickly turns back and hisses at Obama ]

Aide: [ stepping forward ] Uh — and, finally, NBC.

President Barack Obama: I thought we did NBC?

Aide: [ meekly ] It’s someone else.

President Barack Obama: [ disgusted ] Oh, please, God… don’t tell me it’s Brian Williams! Give that guy one day of access, and now he’s acting like we went to CAMP together.

Aide: Worse. It’s Keith Morrison, from “Dateline”.

[ Obama sighs ]

[ cut to Dateline logo in front of Oval Office exterior ]

[ dissolve to a smiling Keith Morrison ]

Keith Morrison: Tell me more about these… DEATH panels!

President Barack Obama: Ummmmm….

Keith Morrison: [ squealing ] Ohhhhhh??

President Barack Obama: Iiiiiiiii….

Keith Morrison: Ye-ye-ye-ye-yeahhhh!

President Barack Obama: Yeahhhh, okay. Uh… I think we’re done. [ to Aide ] Good work, Carol.

Aide: Um — any comment for FOX News?

President Barack Obama: Just tell them: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Bonus Episode 2

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

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September 24th, 2009

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Amy Poehler

Megan Fox

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Obama InterviewsSummary: Determined to get his health care message out to as wide an audience as possible, President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) endures brief interviews with various cable quasi-celebrities.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Stuart Scott, Keith Morrison.

Transcript

Montage

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: 911 call. Gov. David Paterson (Fred Armisen). Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) smugly shows off tapes made while he was in office. In the style of “Guiding Light”, Megan Fox demands Amy Poehler’s chair at gunpoint. College student Shep (Andy Samberg) provides tips for avoiding the Swine Flu.

Recurring Characters: Gov. David Paterson, Bill Clinton.

SNL Transcripts