Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

John Cena Monologue

John Cena

Santa… Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Cena.

[John Cena walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

John Cena: Thank you guys. Thank you. Thank you very much. My name if John Cena and to those of you who voted for Hillary, I’m a wrestler. [crowd laughs late] Yeah, well, late bloomers but that’s okay. Normally on TV, you see me in the ring throwing down all the other WWE superstars, and I love it. But it’s exciting to get away for a week and do something a little different. And now, I’m gonna need someone to help me sing. Get out here, New York Santa!

[Bobby Moynihan in Santa outfit walks in]

Bobby Moynihan: Ho, ho, ho. I’m locking it.

John Cena: The normal Santa travels by a sleigh. [Bobby Moynihan starts opening his Santa costume] But the New York–

Bobby Moynihan: [interrupting] No! Cena! You think you can do comedy and wrestling? Well, two can play that game. Get ready to feel the pain of… The Waddler.

[Cut to intro video of The Waddler as a wrestler. John Cena’s entry music is playing.]

[Cut to the SNL stage. John Cena is on stage but Bobby Moynihan is standing very far.]

Bobby Moynihan: Yeah!

John Cena: How did you get over there?

Bobby Moynihan: I waddled! [running towards the stage] Oh! I’m coming for you, Cena.

John Cena: Okay, well you do.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, I just move real weird. [moving around John Cena’s behind] What are you gonna do when The Waddler’s coming for you, Cena? Hun?

John Cena: [laughing] I mean, that’s actually really cool. Did you make that outfit?

Bobby Moynihan: I did.

John Cena: That’s– I actually think you could be a great WWE superstar.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh my god, wow. Um, thank you, John. You did not have to say that.

John Cena: Bring it in here, man!

Bobby Moynihan: Okay.

[John Cena and Bobby Moynihan hug each other. John Cena mistakenly breaks Bobby Moynihan’s bones while hugging.]

Ah! Okay! That’s a rib. That’s a full rack of ribs right there.

[Bobby Moynihan walks away limping]

John Cena: Okay. [music playing] The real New York Christmas.

[Cut to Leslie Jones a the back of the audience.]

Leslie Jones: [yelling] John Cena! You coming here to tell jokes on my turf? I’m bout to whoop your ass!

John Cena: Wait, what’s your wrestling character supposed to be?

Leslie Jones: Wrestling character? I’m Leslie Jones, bitch!

[Cut to intro video of Leslie Jones as a wrestler. John Cena’s entry music is playing.]

[Cut to SNL stage. Leslie Jones walks to John Cena]

Leslie Jones: That’s right and I’m bout to get in your– Ooh! [checking out John Cena’s body] Damn! Ooh! You is very fine. I did not know. Ooh, I can put my whole tongue in your chin nipple deep. [takes her card out of back pocket and gives it to John Cena] Just meet me at the hotel room, John.

[Leslie Jones walks away]

John Cena: Okay guys. This isn’t a challenge. [Kenan Thompson is sneaking behind John Cena with a steel chair] We’re in it together. I actually worked really hard on this song. Seriously. I spent all week writing with a couple of nerds, so please–

[Kenan hits John Cena with the chair. The chair breaks but John Cena doesn’t move at all.]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah! Got you, Cena!

John Cena: Alright! Alright. [John Cena opens his coat. He is wearing sleeveless shirt.] I’ve been trying to be nice to you guys all you wanna do is challenge me. So, if you really want some, come get some.

[Cut to John Cena’s intro video as a wrestler.]

[Cut to the SNL stage]

Kenan Thompson: Oh! I made a grand error in judgement.

John Cena: You can’t see me.

Kenan Thompson: [scared] Oh, I’m done with the flower.

[Kenan Thompson runs away]

John Cena: We have a great show for you tonight. Maren Morris is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Joanne & The Tree

Mr. Jenkins… John Cena

Joanne… Aidy Bryant

Cara… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

[Starts with office colleagues preparing for Christmas party]

Mr. Jenkins: Okie-dokie gang. Start the Yankee Swap in a second. First, I want to thank Cara for getting us such a great tree this year. So, all we need is a volunteer to put this crazy little angel on top of that tree.

Joanne: Oh, I’ll do it Mr. Jenkins.

Mr. Jenkins: Joanne from accounts stepping up. Nice initiative. Here you go. Get it done.

[Joanne stands on a chair to put the angel on top of the Christmas tree. The tree is in front of a window.]

Joanne: Oh, I’m a little excited.

Cara: Go, Joanne

All: Joanne! Joanne! Joanne!

Cara: Little higher Joanne.

[Joanne falls out of the window with the Christmas tree.]

Mr. Jenkins: Did Joanne just fall off the frigging window?

[Everyone goes to the window to take a look]

Cara: Oh my god!

Beck: We don’t even have the tree anymore.

Cara: Christmas is ruined.

Leslie: Look, there she is.

[Joanne is hanging by the side of the window. She is still holding the tree.]

Joanne: Oh! Stupid Joanne. this is what you get for trying to step into spotlight. Guys, I’m not dead. Co-workers, I’m sorry. I’m not dead. I’m sorry for the drama earlier, but I’m out here.

Cara: Oh my god, Joanne. And she’s got the tree.

Beck: Everything’s going to be okay.

Leslie: And you saved the tree, girl.

Mr. Jenkins: Two for two on the initiative, Joanne.

Joanne: Okay, well, I think I’m losing my grip. I think I need to drop the tree.

Beck: Don’t do that Joanne. Without the tree, there’s no party.

Mr. Jenkins: We can save you both. I know it.

Cara: Alright, let’s bring the tree in first so we know we have it.

Joanne: Okay. Or could I suggest that we bring in my human body first?

Mr. Jenkins: Joanne, stop trying to control everything.

Cara: Alright, look, I have an idea. Joanne, start whipping that tree round, okay? Get a nice windmill action going. Then use that momentum to fly upwards through the window.

Joanne: Okay, I don’t think I can do that. This tree has got to go.

Beck: Don’t drop that tree, you frigging grinch! Okay, new plan. I’m going to pour this Monster energy drink in your mouth. YOu’re going to go all Popeye on us and throw that tree up to us like it’s nothing.

Joanne: Oh, please don”t do that.

[Beck pours Monster energy drink all over Joanne’s face]

Leslie: It’s working! It’s working!

Joanne: No, it’s not working. It’s really only in my eyes. Please, Mr. Jenkins. Just pull me up. You’re the strongest man I’ve ever seen. I can see you muscles through your business shirt like every damn day. Just grab my wrist.

Mr. Jenkins: Love to, Joanne, but I can’t. I got in a lot of trouble around here for grabbing women’s wrists. But I do want to give you something. It’s a pair of women’s Isotoners. I got your name in the Yankee Swap.

Joanne: Oh, oh, thank you Mr. Jenkins. They’re really nice.

Beck: Okay, but here’s where Yankee Swap gets interesting. I’m gonna steal the women’s gloves and I’m going to give you the 30 pounds kettle bell that Felicia gave me.

Joanne: Oh, that will do it.

[Joanne slips her hand and falls]

Cara: Oh, no! Well, we tried. Poor Joanne.

Beck: Poor tree as well.

Mr. Jenkins: Alright, somebody is going to have to scoop her off the sidewalk when the party’s done.

Leslie: I’ll do it. Just remind me.

[Cut to Joanne falling down]

Joanne: [screaming] Ahhhhh!

Male voice: Ho, ho, ho, Joanne, it’s me.

Joanne: Santa, you’re here to save me?

[Santa just takes the tree away]

Santa, no!

Dyke & Fats Save Christmas

Dyke… Kate McKinnon

Fats… Aidy Bryant

Chief… John Cena

[Starts with Detective TV show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching Detective TV. At nine PM, it’s ‘Keith: Black Detective’. But first, it’s a brand new holiday special with your favorite crime fighting duo.

[Cut to a video clip of Santa walking]

Narrator: What happens when Santa is kidnapped by one of Chicago’s most notorious gangs? Is Christmas canceled? Not with these two on the case. [Cut to two women officers running with guns in their hands.] They are hard as iron. They are rough as guts. And if you’ve been naughty, they won’t be nice.

[women officers catch lab guys throwing the Christmas garlands. It’s Dyke & Fats, Save Christmas. Starring Dutch Plain as officer Les Dykawitz. And Velvy O’Malley as officer Chubbina Fatzarelli. [Dyke finds a bomb. Fats takes it and eats it. The bomb blasts inside Fats’s stomach but nothing happens to her.] They are getting Santa back by any means necessary. Even if they have to kick every butt in town. It’s Dyke and Fats: Save Christmas.

[Dyke and Fats rescued the Santa]

[Cut to the police station]

Chief: Yeah, you two did it again. Rescued Santa Clause, saved Christmas.

Fats: I guess we did a pretty good job, Dyke.

Dyke: Hey, I think you mean great job, Fats.

Chief: Yeah, she’s right. Thank you, officer Dykawitz and Farzarelli.

Fats: Oh, Chief, thanks for using our names.

Dyke: Yeah, that shows a lot of respect.

Chief: Of course I respect you. You’re two damn fine cops for Broads.

Fats: [yelling] Wait, what?

Dyke: [yelling] Back to the women thing?

Fats: We’re back to that?

Dyke: No, we’re past that.

Fats: [screaming] Now! Now! We’re past it!

[The End]

Dating Show

Michelle… Cecily Strong

Dustin… Beck Bennett

Jared… Kyle Mooney

Frank… Mikey Day

Ryan Mack… John Cena

[Starts with MTV show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching MTV. At six, it’s ‘Teen Mom’. At seven, it’s ‘Teen Wolf’. And at eight, it’s ‘Teen Wolf Mom’. But first, it’s time for all new, ‘Hook a Hunk’.

[Cut to the Hook a Hunk stage. There is a lady and three guys on the stage.]

Female voice: Tonight, things are heating up. We got one lucky girl.

[Cut to Michelle]

Michelle: I’m Michelle. I’m 22. and when it comes to love, I’ma all about it.

Female voice: Who gets to hook one of three hot hunks.

[Cut to the hunks]

Dustin: I’m Dustin. I have two cats and I think you’re purr-fect.

Jared: I’m Jared. I love hotdogs. And if you are, I’d relish you.

Frank: I’m Frank. I’m a magician. And if you give me a chance, I think my penis could do the trick.

Female voice: Who will she choose? Let’s find out now on Hook a Hunk. With your host Ryan Mack.

[Ryan Mack walks in]

Ryan Mack: Hey, everyone. Welcome to the show. Let’s get started.

Michelle: Oh, my god. You’re– you’re the host?

Ryan Mack: Yeah, I’m Ryan.

Michelle: Oh, I’m– I’m Michelle. I’m the contestant.

Ryan Mack: I know it. I know coz I’m–

Michelle: You’re the host. Of course. I’m– That was stupid.

Ryan Mack: No. No, it was cool. You wanna play the game?

Michelle: Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m just– I’m nervous.

Ryan Mack: You’re gonna do great. Just be yourself and relax.

Michelle: [flirting] Yeah, easy for you to say. You run this whole place.

Ryan Mack: Shut up.

Michelle: You shut up.

[Cut to the hunks]

Jared: Ha-ha. Ready whenever you are, Ryan.

Dustin: Yeah, this hunk is ready to get hooked.

Frank: Forget these bozos, Michelle. I know you’re going to hook me.

[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is feeling Ryan Mack’s biceps.]

Michelle: My god, your arms are so big.

Ryan Mack: Too big?

Michelle: No, no, no. Like, I bet you could pick me up so easily.

Ryan Mack: You want me to try?

Michelle: Right now? You are so crazy, Ryan. Um, but… what are you doing tonight?

Ryan Mack: Well, I just have this thing to do for an hour. Then I’m free. You wanna grab some food?

Michelle: Yeah. Sure. What kind of food do you like?

[Cut to the hunks]

Jared: Well, for me, my favorite food is strawberries because I’m sweet and, yeah, I like to jam.

Dustin: And I like toast because I want to toast to you, Michelle, and the rest of our lives together.

[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is holding Ryan Mack’s hand.]

Michelle: Babe, it’s okay, you can tell me what it is.

Ryan Mack: Well, I had a younger brother but he died.

Michelle: Oh, no. I’m so sorry.

Ryan Mack: His last words were ‘Find the right girl.”

Michelle: We should visit his grave. Oh my god, I’m sorry. That was so forward of me.

Ryan Mack: No, it’s not. You’re a family now.

[Cut to the hunks]

Dustin: And if I was on a desert island, the two things I would bring are my guitar and you, Michelle.

[Cut to Michelle and Ryan Mack. Michelle is leaning her head on Ryan Mack’s shoulder.]

Ryan Mack: I feel like we’re the only two people alive.

Michelle: Hey, how did you get that scar?

Ryan Mack: I don’t want to tell you. I would just scare you away.

Michelle: Look at me. Nothing is scaring me away.

[Michelle and Ryan Mack start kissing]

[Cut to the hunks]

Jared: [looking around confused] And for me, if I was on a desert island, I would bring you, Michelle, and one dozen roses.

Dustin: That’s a really good answer.

Jared: No, it wasn’t. They’re not even listening. I feel so stupid.

Dustin: Hey, you’re not stupid. You’re smart.

Jared: Thanks.

Dustin: Yeah. I mean, that thing you said before about the strawberries, that was awesome.

[Jared hits Dustin in a playful way]

Jared: You’re just saying that.

Dustin: [staring at Jared] I’m not

[Dustin and Jared start kissing]

Female voice: This is been another episode of ‘Hook a hunk’. Until next time, stay horny.

Frank: Um, so, should I just go or…?

Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Taiwan Call

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

And Colin, you’re not gonna believe this but the media is beginning to question is Donald Trump knows what he’s doing. Trump had communication with the president of Taiwan which violates a long standing agreement between the US and China, but in fairness, the president of Taiwan called him. And also, there’s no way Donald Trump knows difference between Taiwan and China. He probably just thinks one makes his hats and other makes his ties. What did surprise me is that Trump would actually answer an unknown phone number. That guy has like millions of dollars in debt. I owe chase $1,100 and when I see a number I don’t recognize, I answered the phone in Taiwanese accent.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Donald Trump began what he’s calling a ‘Thank you tour of the country.’ While Hillary Clinton I assume is planning more of an ‘FU tour.’ Trump’s holding victory rallies in all the places that helped him get elected. Like, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Russia, the FBI, Wikileaks and Hillary’s campaign headquarters. By the way, a ‘thank you tour’ might be the Trumpiest idea I’ve ever heard. He’s so egotistical that his idea of saying thank you is having thousands of people show up and chant his name. That’s not how thank yous work. That would be like starting a charity but instead of helping the poor, all the money went to a giant portrait of a guy who started the charity.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: But, come on, of course Trump is on a thank you tour. That’s his element. He loves having a big audience. That’s why his constantly on twitter. You think he likes having dinner with Mitt Romney? [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Mitt Romney having dinner together] By the way, why does Mitt Romney look like an Instagram model being forced to take a picture with the man who just bought him a new butt?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s twitter profile at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Donald Trump tweeted about flag burning and voter fraud which some think was just to distract the media from more important issues. But if they’re worried that his tweets are getting too much attention, they should just report them in the most boring way possible. The way they report a weather forecast. Watch.

[Cut to reporting Donald Trump’s tweets in a boring manner]

Male voice: [lazy voice] This morning, Trump’s tweeting about voter fraud with scattered retweets in the afternoon. Then at 3 AM, 90% chance of a tweetstorm about Rosie. This has been Tweets on the ones.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: See? No one cares anymore.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of people protesting at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Protestors continue to gather at Standing Rock Indian reservation to stop the construction of the Dakota access pipeline. The natives believe that the oil pipeline could contaminate their water supply but the oil company believes, “Bleh!” The sheriff’s department began using rubber bullets and water hoses against the protestors last weekend. And, I know that law enforcement is a very, very tough job, but at some point when you’re out there in 23 degree weather, spraying some native family with a fire hose on thanksgiving, you gotta stop and wonder, “Are we the bad guys?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people protesting at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yeah, I mean, at this point if native Americans are asking us for anything, can’t we just give it to them? We basically treated them like [Picture changes to Milton from Office space] Milton from Office Space. We just keep moving them to worse and worse areas and pretending that we’re doing them a favor. And this one spot in North Dakota is their stapler. [Picture changes to Milton lookin at his stapler] Just let them have the stapler. Coz remember, at the end of Office Space, Milton snaps and burns the entire place down. And oil, famously flammable.

Weekend Update on a Stolen Pet-Sitting Van

Colin Jost

Michael che

[Starts with Michael che in his news set. There’s a picture of a van with a cartoon dog printed on it at right top corner.]

Michael che: [sigh] The owner of a pet sitting operation had his van stolen with 16 dogs still inside. Starring Kevin James.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kellogg’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Kellogg’s announced that it’s pulling it’s advertising from the Breitbarth website saying the Alt-right website does not align with their values as a company. But I don’t know. Kellogg’s makes Kashi Go-Lean crunch and that’s may be the widest product in history. [Michael che laughing]

[picture changes to a phone]

A new app has launched that helps people boycott businesses owned by Donald Trump. The app’s called ‘Being Poor’.

[Cut to Michael che. There’s a picture of no smoking sign at right top corner.]

Michael che: The federal government has approved the plan that would ban smoking in public housing across the country which is a horrible idea. I mean, you know how stressful it is to live in the projects? I can tell you. It’s like prison. Except you didn’t do anything wrong and you can smoke in prison. How do you even plan on enforcing this law? You think a ghetto tipster’s going to call you like, “Yeah, this is Freddie, and I’d like to report a cigarette smoke act at crackhouse in 4B.” They’re saying it’s because cigarettes are a health risk but you know what else is a health risk? Living in the projects. Heating your apartment with an oven is a health risk. Letting a pitbull babysit your toddler is a health risk. Having a hospital bed in your living room is a health risk. But you know what? The worst health risk of all is? Getting evicted. Yeah. Coz that’s what’s gonna happen. They’re gonna renovate those buildings and them to millionaires and you know what they’re going to do in those buildings? Those millionaires? Coke!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Canadian flag and a police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I thought he was going to say smoke. But… Police in Canada will soon start making people caught drinking and driving listen to Nickelback. So, let that be a lesson to all you drunk drivers out there. Make sure that crash kills you.

Michael che: [laughing] Make sure?

Colin Jost: Make sure. [Picture changes to an ape] A new research shows that the pre-human Lucy probably lived in trees. So, either pre-humans were more ape-like than previously thought or that bitch cray!

[Michael Che laughing]

[laughing] The one before it.

Michael Che: You fell for it.

Colin Jost: Well, Che wrote that.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that women in long term relationships are more likely to experience a decrease in sexual satisfaction. Here to comment is our own Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Woo! Great to be here, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, Leslie. So, why do you think women in relationships have troubles sexually?

Leslie Jones: Well, it’s because men don’t correctly learn how to satisfy a woman, Colin. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Like, a couple of weeks ago, I was at the New York city FC soccer game. And I was sitting in my section with a whole bunch New York Knick players. They were all 6’9″, big old hands, big old feet, big old necks, big old chests, long ass fingers, long as…

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, we know. We know where it’s going. Yes, we got it.

Leslie Jones: Of course you do, you little salty oyster cracker.

Colin Jost: You just called me a cracker.

Leslie Jones: You the head of the cracker. And I saw all these young dudes, you know, who looked like they were born after Martin was canceled. You know what I’m saying? And I thought to myself, “What a waste of good equipment.” They don’t know what to do with it, but I do. I got 30 years in the game, homie. So, I realized I can help them. I can coach them. You know? I can be like a hung like a horse whisperer! And I whisper to all shapes and sizes. I even whispered to a few ponies. It don’t matter what size it is. Don’t lie to us about what you packing. Coz we’re gonna see it eventually. And it will disappoint us. Do not promise me a rack of ribs and then show up with a little penis. And you don’t have to lie anyway coz most men are fine. My entire life, I’ve only seen like two or three, you might call like, you know, travel size. But even if that’s all you got, own it! Even a thumb drive can hold a lot of data. Step it up in other ways. The thing men today– [Colin laughing]

Colin Jost: Step it up with your hands!

Leslie Jones: The thing men today are lacking is confidence. You gotta have confidence. Confidence is sexy. Back in the days, we had confident strong men, like the Marlboro man and the browny Paper Towel dude, or Mr. Clean. You know those was real men.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I mean, they are literally not real men.

Leslie Jones: Shut up! [Cut to Leslie Jones] Coz the only thing we got now is that cheap ass Trivago dude. Always trying to get me to go to some discount motel rooms. Or that creepy ass Captain Obvious. The only thing obvious about him is that he got a couple of bodies in his trunk. That ain’t sexy and it definitely ain’t confident. You gotta have confidence about yourself. And whatever equipment you got, you gotta believe in it. You gotta see your equipment through our eyes. So for all the dudes who are watching right now, go get a mirror. I’ll wait. Now, pull your pants down. Raise your shirt up, don’t pull your shirt all the way up, just raise it up. Put your shirt under your chin like this, and put the mirror in front of your junk like this. And to quote Maya Angelou, [everyone laughing] “No matter the size in between your thighs, you can still rise.”

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone.

Weekend Update Jennifer Aniston and Rachel Green

Colin Jost

Rachel… Vanessa Bayer

Jennifer Aniston

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, 90’s nostalgia is still growing as a TV trend with reboots like Fuller House and Gilmore Girls. Here to comment is Rachel from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

[Rachel slides in]

Rachel: What? Wow! Oh! Yeah! Hi, oh, oh, Colin. Yeah. Hi. Oh.

Colin Jost: Hi, Rachel. How are you?

Rachel: Oh, yeah. I’m, um, um, I’m, you know, I’m, um, um, I’m good.

Colin Jost: Wow. And now, why do you think people are so nostalgic for the 90s?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Oh, yeah. You know, the 90s are great. You know, you go to work, uh, uh, you go on dates and you go to cafes with your friends and you all sit facing camera. Yeah! Hey, hey, you know, Joey had a really, really bad audition and we’re all gonna talk about it tonight at a– at- at the boy apartment. You, um, you should come.

[Cut to short interval video clip of apartment from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Rachel. Rachel is holding a tray of cookies.]

Rachel: Oh, no. Urgh! Oh! I burned these cookies. Mon… is gonna kill me. Oh! Oh! Yeah.

Colin Jost: What just happened? What was that?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Oh, what? Oh, yeah, yeah, I don’t know. I think that just happens when I say a sentence that, uh, uh, that sounds complete. Yeah, uh, like, uh, like, I’ll see you tonight, don’t be late.

[Cut to short interval video clip of apartment from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Rachel. Rachel is holding a towel and a hairbrush.]

Rachel: Oh! Colin! Oh! You scared me. I was just in the shower. Ah!

Colin Jost: What?

Rachel: What? What? Oh, yeah. Well, uh, what, uh, yeah. Well, uh, yeah, well, what? Oh, you know, well, what? Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. What? Oh, yeah.

[Jeniffer Aniston slides in]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Vanessa Bayer and Jennifer Aniston]

Jennifer Aniston: Vanessa, what are you doing?

Vanessa Bayer: What? Oh, what, yeah. Hi.

Jennifer Aniston: Wait, uh, can you just– can you just drop that for a second?

Vanessa Bayer: Um, yeah.

Jennifer Aniston: Vanessa, come on.

Vanessa Bayer: Oh. Sorry, Jen. What re you doing here?

Jennifer Aniston: What? For the last twelve days you’ve been texting me everyday to come and visit you. Listen, honey, I know that you love F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and we had such a great time making our movie together, but you gotta really try to stop texting me everyday.

Vanessa Bayer: Yeah, I know. I just texted coz I thought we could hang, coz I don’t know, I think you’re like, the best.

Jennifer Aniston: Oh, that’s so sweet, honey. You are too, but you now, F.R.I.E.N.D.S. was like 5 million and five years ago, so I think we just gotta move on.

Vanessa Bayer: Well, I– I don’t know. I thought, coz I do this great bit as Rachel, so.

Jennifer Aniston: Is it a great bit though? I mean, all it kind of just sounds all you’re doing is like, “What? Oh! What? Me? Oh, wow! No! What?”

Vanessa Bayer: [mimicking Rachel] Wow, is it like this? What? Wow!

Jennifer Aniston: No! Vanessa! No, I don’t do that.

Vanessa Bayer: [mimicking Rachel]Come on! Phoebs! Ross! Oh, Ross!

Jennifer Aniston: Oh! Alright, fine. You wanna go grab some nachos after the show?

Vanessa Bayer: Oh, yeah, that’s right. You love Mexican. That’s my favorite too. Um, I’d love to. See you there!

[Cut to short interval video clip of apartment from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.]

[Cut to Jennifer Aniston, Vanessa Bayer and Colin Jost. There’s nachos on the table.]

Colin Jost: Wait! How does that happen, that’s so jarring.

[Cut to Jennifer Aniston and Vanessa Bayer]

Jennifer Aniston: I don’t know.

Vanessa Bayer: [mimicking Rachel] What? I don’t know.

Jennifer Aniston: I do not sound like that.

Vanessa Bayer: [mimicking Rachel] Oh, no. What?

Colin Jost: Jennifer Aniston and Rachel, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

The Nativity

Mary… Emma Stone

Joseph… Kyle Mooney

Barshaba.. Pete Davidson

Nicodemus… Mikey Day

Three wise men… Kenan Thompson, Alex Moffat, Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mary and Joseph inside a barn]

Mary: He’s here. He’s finally here. Look, Joseph, our son, Jesus.

Joseph: You’ve done something extraordinary. And now, Mary, you really must rest.

[door knocking]

Huh, I wonder who that could be.

Mary: Well, whoever it is, tell them to leave.

Joseph: Why?

Mary: Well, I don’t know about you, Joseph, but I’m not in the mood to have people over right now because I just had a baby, in a barn.

Joseph: I understand, Mary.

[Joseph goes to open the door]

[Barshaba and Nicodemus enter]

Barshaba: Greetings. We heard there is a baby. A savior baby.

Nicodemus: We wish to look upon him, we wish to look upon him.

Mary: Sure, come on in. Take a look.

Joseph: Okay, so we’re just going to have visitors even though this place is a mess and I had no time to get ready? Cool, cool, cool.

[Barshaba and Nicodemus walk in]

Nicodemus: Yes, I am Nicodemus. This is Barshaba.

Barshaba: Are you okay? You look so tired.

Joseph: Yeah, I wonder why.

[door knocking]

Joseph: Huh, I wonder who that could be.

Mary: Joseph, no more guests.

Joseph: I got it. [squeaky voice] I got it.

[Kenan, Beck and Alex enter]

Kenan: Salutations. We are three wise men.

Joseph: Cool. Come in.

Mary: Truly, Joseph. Truly.

Beck : Oh, is this the child?

Mary: Look, I know you’re all judging me because there’s no place to sit and my shawl is jacked. But just like– know that I had a baby in a barn today. Okay? Baby in a barn.

Joseph: Mary, it’s fine. Nobody cares.

Mary: I care. I have looked cute every day of my 14 year old life. And now, we have literal kings visiting. And I look like hot hummus.

Joseph: No one is thinking that.

Mary: That guy is.

Kenan: She’s right. I was thinking that.

Alex : Don’t listen to him. We care about your well being.

Mary: Well, I’m glad you care because, you know, who didn’t? Every hotel owner in Bethlehem.

Alex : Mary, Joseph, we come bearing gifts.

Beck : We the magi have brought gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Mary: Great. I heard blankets, diapers and a crib.

[door knocking]

Joseph: [shouting] Hey, you can just come in.

Mary: Urgh!

[Bobby enters with his friends]
Bobby: We’re here to see the child and a camel.

Mary: Oh, great. More dudes and an animal.

Joseph: Y’all, sorry about her. She’s being super weird today. Woud you guys like drinks or something?

All: Oh, yeah. Sure.

Joseph: Hey, Mary, these guys said they want drinks.

Mary: [looking at Joseph angrily] So?

Joseph: [confused] So, can you get them? Coz, I don’t know where we keep them.

Mary: And I’m out. Cool, guys. This has been fun. Take care of my baby for me. Bye. [Bobby is painting] What are you painting?

Bobby: I’m painting the birth of Jesus as it was and as it always will be.

Mary: Um, no. Here’s how you’re going to paint me. Alright. Serene and gorgeous with rays of light coming out of my head. And maybe I’m just posing like this.

Joseph: Mary, you’re being crazy.

Mary: I’m sorry. I guess when I found out I was going to give birth to a savior, I just assumed it was going to be nicer. Like, there would be a real bed. And I don’t know, like a doctor and no sheep poop on the floor. But everybody is looking at me and I feel puffy and I feel gross.

Joseph: Guys, I think Mary just needs some rest. Perhaps everyone can come back tomorrow?

Everybody: Okay.

[Everyone leaves]

Mary: Finally. It’s just me and my special little baby.

[light shines upon Mary]

Male voice: Mary!

Mary: The angel Gabriel. Look, Jesus was born just as you told.

Male voice: Oh, I know. But Mary, are you okay? You look tired.

Mary: Argh!

The Hunt for Hil

Rafe Degraw… Beck Bennett

Coop Dixon… Kyle Mooney

Michelle… Vanessa Bayer

Tuketo… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with video clips of mythical creatures]

Rafe Degraw narrating: Bigfoot. The Loch Ness monster. All rarely seen. All shrouded in mystery. And tonight, we’re headed to the woods of West Chester county to search for the most elusive legend of all, Hillary Rodham Clinton. I’m Rafe Degraw.

Rafe Degraw: Wait, did you hear that?

Rafe Degraw narrating: With my partner, Coop Dixon.

Coop Dixon: There’s something here, man!

Rafe Degraw narrating: And this is “The Hunt for Hil”. Our search begins in the woods of Chappaqua where Hillary Clinton has recently been sighted by a bunch of white people with Facebook accounts. But where is she now? We wet out to find her. Trap her. And thank her. And for that, we needed help.

[Rafe Degraw and Coop Dixon visits Michelle]

Rafe Degraw: So, Michelle, you’ve seen Hillary Clinton?

Michelle: I have. [Cut to the reenactment video] I was in my kitchen washing pans when I saw something moving through the woods. [someone walks through the bushes and Michelle gets scared] It was blonde, about 5’6“. It seemed like kind of wanted some time to itself. So, I immediately started running after it.

[Michelle is showing the video she recorded of Hillary Clinton]

Voice in the video: Hillary, wait. I just want to thank you.

Hillary Clinton: Welcome.

Voice in the video: Hillary! Wait!

[Hillary starts running]

Michelle: I think that’s her.

Rafe Degraw: That’s her. You did a great job.

Rafe Degraw narrating: We decided to check out the spot where Michelle had her sighting to see if there was any trace of Hil.

[Rafe Degraw and Coop Dixon are in the woods]

Coop Dixon: Hey, Rafe, you’re gonna want to see this. [showing a footprint] That’s a woman’s shoe right there. Size six. Look, see how there’s no heel?

Rafe Degraw: It’s Hillary.

Rafe Degraw narrating: She was definitely close. So I decided to try and communicate with her.

Rafe Degraw: [making laughing noise] Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Coop Dixon: What are you doing?

Rafe Degraw: Shh! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Coop Dixon: It’s not gonna work.

Rafe Degraw: Just hold on. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Hillary Clinton laughing]

[Rafe Degraw and Coop Dixon are looking around]

Rafe Degraw narrating: We could hear her laugh but we couldn’t see her. And it was getting dark. So we decided to lure her to us with the one thing we knew would entice her. An article about the recount in Wisconsin. We placed it at the edge of the woods, set up our night vision, and waited. She never showed. But the next morning when we checked, the article had clearly been read. Because in the very bottom corner, there was a little note that said, “Thank you, H.” It was our last day in Chappaqua and we had just one more idea. But it was crazy one.

[Cut to Atiketo sitting in the trees. He is a forest shaman.]

Atiketo: Hello?

Rafe Degraw: Tuketo, you say you are one with the trees.

Tuketo: Yes. I have lived my whole life in these Chappaqua woods. The trees whisper their secrets to me.

Coop Dixon: Can you ask them where Hillary Clinton is?

Tuketo: Of course. One moment. [Gibberish] Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh! She’s buying eggs at a grocery store.

Rafe Degraw narrating: Next week, the search moves to a Shoprite, only on “The Hunt for Hil”.