Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

Weekend Update on Russia Interfering with the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

It’s being reported that the CIA believes that Russia influenced our presidential election in favor of Donald Trump. You see? Feel better now popular vote? No? Okay. At this point telling us why Trump won is like a fire department showing up to tell us why our house is currently on fire. Just put it out. We’ll talk about it later. Trump’s team then dismissed the CIA claims saying that these are the same people that said Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. Now, first of all, Trump, damn, that’s a good comeback. Wow! Even the CIA responded to trump saying, “Wow, it’s like that?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And this comes after president Obama ordered intelligence officials to produce a full review on Russian efforts to influence the 2016 election. The review will be conduced by just lookin at Vladimir Putin.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This could also explain why Donald Trump has only been to a couple of the Daily Intelligence Briefings since winning the election. But Mike Pence has been to six a week. Pence is kind of like a wife carefully reading the IKEA instructions and Trump is the stubborn dad yelling, “Yeah, it did it right. It’s supposed to be wobbly!” You know, as crazy as it sounds, maybe it’s better Trump doesn’t know what’s going on. I mean, we can’t trust him with secrets. This guy tweets every thought that pops into his head. He is so petty and so vindictive, how long before he tweets out the president of China’s home phone number because he got a bag egg roll somewhere? I hope they tell him as little as possible. When Trump shows up for a briefing, I hope they give him some headphones and an iPad and make him watch ‘Frozen’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was revealed that Donald Trump will keep his job as producer on ‘The Celebrity Apprentice’ while he is president. It’s an absurd, unethical and potentially illegal conflict of interest– only on NBC.

Now, people are upset that Trump is doing a TV show and won’t go to intelligence briefings, but face it, America, Trump won because he is the fun guy. If we wanted a diligent, competent, experienced president we would have elected nerd lady. Okay? If your schools elects the rich cool guy president, he isn’t going to suddenly show up to school council meetings and examine the science budget. He is going to go on a V victory lap around the school, start a food fight with the model UN and grab some cheerleaders by the pom-poms. I mean, his whole platform was ‘Seniors rule, Mexicans drool.’

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rex Tillerson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump is expected to nominate EXXON CEO Rex Tillerson to be secretary of State. Rex Tillerson is such an oil tycoon’s name. The I in Tillerson should be an oil rig. Tillerson may have no government or diplomatic experience, but EXXON is known for their charitable work of cleaning oil off of ducks.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former mayor Rudy Giuliani has removed himself from consideration for a position in Trump’s cabinet, which is a smooth political way of saying Trump didn’t pick him. I mean, that’s like Dirty Grandpa taking itself out of Oscar contention. [Picture changes to Paula Dean] Or Paula Dean saying she won’t accept an NAACP image award. You’re good.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

On Tuesday, Donald Trump tweeted that he wants to cancel an order with Boeing for a new Air Force one because it costs too much. Which is weird, because Trump usually waits until after the work is done before he refuses to pay.

Trump has justified his use of twitter saying he’d tweet less if the press did their jobs better. Or if Ambien [Picture changes to a medical pills] did it’s job better.

[Picture changes to pope Francis]

The spread of fake news on the internet has become so prevalent that even the Pope spoke out this week and denounced fake news. And you know what’s bad when a guy who gets his news from voices in the sky and burning bushes is telling you to check your sources.

Weekend Update on Pro-Trump Graffiti Artist’s Arrest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Philadelphia city at right top corner]

Michael Che: A black man was arrested in Philadelphia after he went on a pro-Trump graffiti spree. He has been sentenced to spend the next five years with his aunty and uncle in Bel Air.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of South Korean flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: South Korean’s parliament has voted to impeach president Park Geun-Hye, the country’s first female president over a corruption scandal. You know, it’s hard not to look this story and think, “That could have been us.”

[Michael Che laughing]

Cool! Well, it’s dress-rehearsal.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to a glove and a diamond ring]

A woman in Long Island discovered a diamond ring inside of a glove while trying it on at a department store. And because it was Long Island, it was still attached to her finger.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a

Michael Che: Amazon has opened a new grocery store in Seattle that uses sensors and artificial intelligence that allows customers to buy products without going to a cashier. So, not all the jobs are going to Mexico and China. Some of them are going to robots. Robots are even taking the jobs that we thought we’d never lose. Like, laid off factory workers became truck drivers because those truck ain’t gonna drive themselves. Well, guess what? In about two years, those trucks are going to start driving themselves.

[Picture changes to a Santa]

And white people freaking out over another news. The mall in America in Minnesota hired their first black Santa, which provoked outrage in social media. You know, having a black mall Santa sounds like a really nice idea until your white baby starts crying on his lap and your Christmas card looks like the toddler is a racist. Now, I don’t know what color Santa should or shouldn’t be, but he has given America a couple of hundred years of free labor. It sound pretty black to me.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Santa at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I gotta say I think Santa’s black too, coz the only other guy I know with a pet reindeer is Tracy Morgan.

[Picture changes to Joslyn Wildenstein]

Joslyn Wildenstein known as the cat woman for extensive plastic surgery to make her look like a cat, was arrested on charges that she scratched her boyfriend. In fairness, he was taunting her with a laser pointer.

[Picture changes to a caduceus]

And a new study has found that people who shave or trim their pubic hair are more likely to contract sexually transmitted diseases. So, you’re probably in the clear, old guy at my gym!

Weekend Update Cathy Ann on Fake News

Michael Che

Cathy Ann… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: A North Carolina man was arrested after he walked into a pizza place with an assault rifle and saying he was inspired by a fake news story he read off the internet. Here to talk about it is the woman that’s always yelling outside my window, Cathy Ann.

Cathy Ann: Ay, ay, Michael Che! Can you believe that idiot went into that pizza shop with a gun and he didn’t leave with no money and no pizzas? I mean, hello?

Michael Che: Well, he wasn’t trying to rob it. He thought he was trying to break up a pedophile.

Cathy Ann: Yeah, yeah. Fake news. You know what? Whatever happened to journalistic didegrity, okay?

Michael Che: Didegrity?

Cathy Ann: Yeah, okay. We all can agree we got SHI Ton of crazy people in this country, right? And crazy people don’t even have fake news to get them going. And I can take that coz I’ve been one of them, okay? There were times that I would smoke, you know what, crack… [Michael Che laughing] Hey, I’m serious, off of lightbulb and Mike, I would act pretty erratically. I’ll be honest with you, okay? And people like me do not need to be encouraged on fortune and ribbon

Michael Che: You mean for chain and Reddit.

Cathy Ann: You know what? If you’re going to be correcting me all damn day, how about you start with my psoriasis?

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Cathy Ann: I know. I’m like Cecada. Full version of me clinging on to a tree somewhere. Now, I don’t know if you know this, but all that fake news is the work of the alt-right, right? Because, that’s what we’re supposed to call the white supremacists now, coz apparently the people that are drawing swastikers and saying “Hi, Hitler” are getting offended when you call them nazis. What the hell? Ain’t the whole point of saying white pride is to be proud of all that crap? Just say what you are. You’re not McCafe, you’re McDonald’s. I’m not here for a fancy Cappuccino, I’m here coz I burned some bridges at Wendy’s. Do not ask, Michael Che!

Michael Che: I actually was not gonna.

Cathy Ann: You know what? What is this right wing conspiracy fake news so popular anyway? What happened to just using the internet for what you’re supposed to. Porno

Michael Che: Okay. So, getting back to the alt-right.

Cathy Ann: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? Here’s my number one problem with the alt-right. It’s not the racism, no offense.

Michael Che: What?

Cathy Ann: It’s that they think they are so funny. You know what? They aren’t funny. That’s jail yard humor, okay? That’s like when you first go in the jail and they find the fattest guy and pulls his pants down and everybody gets to slap his butt one time to see who leaves the reddest mark.

Michael Che: Fattest guy? Did you go to a male prison?

Cathy Ann: They put you where they put you, Michael Che. Look, look, the alt-right, they ain’t as funny as they think, but damn are the liberals ain’t even trying to have a sense of humor. I mean, you even mention a sense of humor, they gonna online petition about you day later. All they do is yell at each other on Facebook about safety pins and Bernie Sanders. Alright, you’re a hundred times smarter than everybody else, and about a billion times less fun.

Michael Che: Okay, it sounds like you don’t have a lot of faith on either side to head with online fake news.

Cathy Ann: Yeah. You know what I think Michael Che? I think everybody needs to get off the damn internet for a few days. Including Donald Duck.

Michael Che: Donald who?

Cathy Ann: I know he’s watching. [Michael Che laughing] Go outside, meet people face to face and either fight them or freak them, like the pilgrims and all the cave men all did. The world is messed up, Michael Che. But I don’t let it get me too down coz I listen to the words of my hero. Michelle Robama. They go low, I get high.

Michael Che: Cathy Ann, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Angela Merkel on Time magazine

Colin Jost

Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: President elect Donald Trump was named Time magazine’s person of the year for 2016. Here to comment is last year’s person of the year, German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

[Michael Che slides in]

Michael Che: Hello, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi. How are you?

Michael Che: Good to be here, Colin.

Colin Jost: Good to have you. So chancellor, what do you think about Time choosing Donald Trump?

Michael Che: Well, you know, it kind of undermines the honor for me. [Cut to Michael Che] It’s like winning the Noble Prize for physics and then the next year they give it to Huberstank. You know 2016 has been a real Volkswagen. Brexit, Trump, left me with more questions than answers. It was nihilistic even by the German standards. But I’m coping. I’ve spend many anight in my bathtub with my two best friends, a glass of riesling and an adult coloring book. The other day, I colored a peacock. Then David Cameron called he always knows how to cheer me up. He said, “Let’s call Donald Trump and pretend to be the presidents of Taiwan.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow! Yeah. Now, I have to ask, are you worried at all about the rise of nationalism in America and Europe?

Michael Che: No. Nationalism in Europe? What could go wrong? [Cut to Michael Che] Sorry, that was the first German attempt at sarcasm. I’ll work on it.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, it was good. It was good. Now, you’re not excited then, I assume, about the alt-right movement?

Michael Che: Ah, yes, in America you call it alt-right. In Germany we call it ‘Why grandpapa lives in Argentina now’. Forgive me, Colin. I must let out a German scream.

[screams with her mouths closed]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, that was a scream?

Michael Che: Yes. That’s right. In Germany we shout our problems into our stomachs.

Colin Jost: It seems very healthy. Now, have you spoken to Hillary since the election?

Michael Che: No, no. She is so deep in the woods, I’m worried she’ll come upon a candy house. [Cut to Michael Che] I had such hopes for Hil. I was so sure we were gonna be besties, staying up all night eating junk food, playing F Marry Kill the Leaders of Asia. We would do each other’s makeup, you know, just chap stick and sun block. Watch our favorite movie ‘Bad Moms’. In Germany, this is a mom who lets her child go to art school. And of course, we would talk about Barack. Oh, my Barack. [singing] I will remember you, my Barack, Barack Obama. We just made his last visit to Germany as president and I stole one of his gloves so he would have to come back and get it. But apparently he hs many gloves.

[Michael Che starts screaming with her mouth closed]

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Chancellor, it’s okay. It’s okay. Just cheer up. Cheer up, it’s the holidays. Remember? It’s the holidays.

Michael Che: You’re right, you’re right. Maybe I will get some of the gifts on my list. [Cut to Michael Che] This year I asked for world peace, a bowl so I can cut my own bangs and a gift certificate to my favorite store, the Women’s Warehouse. You’re going to look the way you look, I guarantee it!

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Angela Merkel, everyone!

Through Donald’s Eyes

[Starts the video as Donald Trump’s point of view]

Female voice: Good morning, Mr. Trump.

[Donald Trump turns the TV on]

News reporter: Huge, huge success, fantastic. Victory, landslide, Fox News.

[Donald Trump changes to Fashion channel]

TV: In fashion, big loose suits and long red ties sold out big success–

[Donald Trump looks at the news paper. “False report, biased” on the front paper.]

[Donald Trump looks at the mirror. He has huge hands]

[Donald Trump looks at the TV. Title says ‘Hollywood Beauty Hates Trump.’]

TV: Trump is bad. Trump is lies. Trump can’t do anything.

[Donald Trump turns the TV off. He turns around, his staff are haunting him saying that everybody hates him.]

[Donald Trump looks at his hands, they shrink into small hands.]

[Donald Trump takes his phone out and tweets “Media stpuid, Trump is king, media is bad. Sad!”

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: I love you, Donald. I’m a lucky woman. [Donald Trump’s hands grow back again] Melania look beautiful for you. I am a lucky woman.

[Mike Pence comes in]

Mike Pence: Mike Pence here. Work, job, very focus.

[Donald Trump is nodding his head]

[Kellyanne Conway walks in with a man]

Kellyanne Conway: Sir, it’s Kellyanne. Your fan wants to meet you. Talk to your fan.

Fan: I voted for Trump. You will fix me. Thing you promised, thing you promised, [things start looking worry-some] I can’t wait for that thing you promised. Hollywood models are not your people. I am your people.

[Kellyanne Conway walks in]

Kellyanne Conway: Kellyanne will fix it. Mommy does everything. Mommy does it for you. Sleep now. Donny, sleep and dream your favorite dream. I love you.

The Lead with Jake Tapper Cold Open

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Walter White… Bryan Cranston

[Starts with The Lead with Jake Tapper intro]

[Cut to Jake Tapper in his set]

Jake Tapper: Welcome to The Lead. I’m Jake Tapper and you’re watching CNN. Be careful on the elyptical. President elect Donald Trump has– he has made some unconventional picks for his cabinet. here to help make sense of this if Trump’s senior advisor Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you, Jake. Happy to be here.

[Cut to Jake Tapper and Kellyanne Conway]

Jake Tapper: Kellyanne, Trump has nominated Oklahoma Attorney General Scott Pruitt to head the EPA even though he is a fossil fuel advocate that doesn’t believe in climate change.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Well, yes. Actually, it’s got Pruitt as excited for the job and he is protect us all from the environment.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: Um, I’m not sure that’s how it works. This pick is not the only one that has people scratching their heads. There’s also the decision to name the CEO of Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s Andy Puzder as secretary of labor even though Puzder doesn’t support the minimum wage. Kenlyanne, it’s almost like Mr. Trump appoints these people specifically to undermine the very agencies they head. Are these bad picks?

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: They are not bad. They are alt-good.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: Wasn’t Donald Trump supposed to drain swamp?

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Um-hmm, and actually, Mr. Trump is draining the swamp as he said he would, and the frogs and the toads the newts that are left who have mutations that allow them to survive are now his cabinet pets.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: Ah! Now, as you know Kellyanne, we have breaking news. President elect Trump has just made his choice for the federal DEA, the federal drug enforcement agency, and it’s a high school science teacher from New Mexico named Walter Wright.

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: Hello, Jake.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway and Walter White]

Kellyanne Conway: Walter is amazing. He came highly recommended by Steve Bannon.

Walter White: Oh, yeah. Steve’s the best. We’ve had some times.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: Where did Mr. Bannon find you?

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: Under the comment section at Breitbart. And I’m really surprised he tracked me down because I’ve kind of been off the grid for a while.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: And you’re a high school science teacher?

Walter White: Yeah.

Jake Tapper: Do you know anything about drug enforcement?

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: [laughs] Oh, trust me. I know the DEA better than anyone, inside and out.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: Mr. White, how did you even get considered for this job? Do you know Donald Trump?

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: No. Nope. But I’m a big fan. I like his style. He acts first and then asks questions later. I also like that wall he wants to build. Nothing comes in from Mexico, meaning a lot less competition for the rest of us.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: You mean jobs?

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: [smirks] Sure.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Walter is actually a genius with chemicals and we’re so lucky to get him. The top companies in the countries had been knocking in his door for years, but he never answered.

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: Well, I am the one who knocks.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: And Mr. White, do you foresee any problems with congress considering your limited experience?

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: Well, they might get hung up on the fact that I faked my own death. I’m only the third person in the Trump cabinet to do that.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. White is actually such a great fit for this administration. He is first and foremost in support of small business.

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: Oh, absolutely. Donald Trump and I agreed. It’s time to make America cook again. We want to fill this nation with red, white and a whole lot of blue. And let me tell you one more thing, Jake, like from New York, it’s Saturday night!

The Karate Teen

Jeffy Lahart…. Mikey day

Sammy Knocks… John Cena

Referee… Alex Moffat

Coach… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with two kids at a karate match]

Announcer: Well, it’s almost over here at the San Fernando Karate Championship. Jeffy Lahart. taking his licks in the final round against defending champion and human freight train, Sammy Knocks of the Wolf Claw Dojo.

Referee: Fight!

[Sammy Knocks punches Jeffy Lahart and Jeffy Lahart falls]

Referee: Watch your knocks. Keep it legal.

Sammy Knocks: Ah! Sorry, I got dork on the floor. Yeah! Wolf Claw! This kid’s a virgin. Ha-ha-ha. That will teach you karate, yeah!

[As Jeffy Lahart struggles to get up, he sees his coach show him a coin.]

[Cut back to Jeffy Lahart’s memory where he is training hard with Coach]

Coach: Catch only the penny.

[Coach shows a handful of coins where one is a penny]

Jeffy Lahart: Okay.

[Coach gestures him to cover his eyes]

Mr. Johnson, that will be impossible. I won’t be able to see.

Coach: Listen to the wind.

[Jeffy Lahart covers his eyes]

[Coach throws all the coins. Jeffy Lahart successfully catches only the penny.]

Coach: I think you’r ready.

[Cut back to the championship. Jeffy Lahart gets back up.]

Sammy Knocks: After this, I’m going to have sex with that guy’s girlfriend. Aha- Yeah!

Announcer: And look at this. Jeffy Lahart back on his feat. I don’t know if he is brave or crazy.

Sammy Knocks: Bad move, dweeb.

[Sammy Knocks gets ready to fight. Jeffy Lahart covers his eyes with the bandana.]

What’s he doing?

[as Sammy Knocks punches Jeffy Lahart, he blocks it]

What the butt?

[Sammy Knocks punches again, and Jeffy Lahart blocks it agian]

How the hell is he doing this?

[Jeffy Lahart does a different stance position]]

Jeffy Lahart: Listen … to … the wind.

[Sammy Knocks punches Jeffy Lahart on his stomach. Jeffy Lahart flies by through many walls behind him.]

Announcer: Oh, my god! Knocks punched Jeffy Lahart out of his pants and through four walls.

Sammy Knocks: Yeah, I just punched that kid through four walls.

Jeffy Lahart: Hey Knocks! [Jeffy Lahart trying to get back through the wall] Is that all you got?

Sammy Knocks: You got a death wish, dork?

[Jeffy Lahart is crawling back]

[coach is telling Jeffy Lahart not to do it]

Jeffy Lahart: I guess you don’t know about a warrior. Coz when a warrior gets knocked down, he–

[Sammy Knocks punches Jeffy Lahart again. This time, Jeffy Lahart flies to the parking lot and hits a car. The car breaks.]

Referee: Knocks.

Coach: I got a thing I got to get to.

[Coach leaves]

Announcer: Well, unless Jeffy Lahart can get back up from sailing through hsi fifth wall and a car door, this looks like another victory for Wolf Claw Dojo.

[Jeffy Lahart wakes up]

[Sammy Knocks walks in with a trophy. He is all dressed up already. Jeffy Lahart is still in his karate gee.]

Sammy Knocks: What the hell?

Jeffy Lahart: Oh, my god. How long have I been out here?

Sammy Knocks: What did you do to my car? You’re going to get it you little fart wipe!

Jeffy Lahart: Wait!

[Sammy Knocks punches Jeffy Lahart again and he black out]

Talent Competition

Damien Knox… Beck Bennett

Rachel Bell… Cecily Strong

Tay-Tay Dubbs… Kenan Thompson

Yoet Klovok… Mikey Day

Bogdan Klovok… John Cena

[Starts with United States of Talent intro]

[Cut to Damien Knox and Rachel Bell at the stage]

Damien Knox: Welcome back to United States of Talent.

Rachel Bell: It’s time for our last act to take the stage and hope it’s blowing away our studio audience and our judge, entertainment industry professional, Tay-Tay Dubbs.

Tay-Tay Dubbs: Holla!

Damien Knox: Alright, let’s bring out our final act. Brothers Yoet and Bogdan Klovok and their act, The Mighty Owl.

[Yoet Klovok and Bogdan Klovok walk in with a big owl]

Yoet Klovok: Hello.

Rachel Bell: Now, guys, we are so excited to have you here. For years, you’ve wowed audiences all over Europe. But we understand this is your first time performing in six months.

Yoet Klovok: Um, that’s right. Six months ago our own Majesty flew head first into a stone wall.

Damien Knox: Oh, gosh!

Yoet Klovok: But vets were able to rebuild parts of his brain with healthy tissues from his intestines and rear end.

Bogdan Klovok: And now, Majesty has fully recovered in tip top shape. Right Majesty?

[owl growling]

Damien Knox: Well, good luck, boys.

Tay-Tay Dubbs: Alright, let’s see it, fellows.

Yoet Klovok: On our command, Majesty will fly from my arm and soar over you all.

Bogdan Klovok: Then, he will swoop through these hoops and retrieve this scroll from my mouth.

Yoet Klovok: Then he shall brave death by gliding through the ring of flame to deliver the scroll into that tiny mailbox.

[Tay-Tay Dubbs is holding a tiny mailbox]

Tay-Tay Dubbs: You sure that owl can do all that?

Yoet Klovok: Oh, Majesty will succeed because Majesty…

Yoet Klovok and Bogdan Klovok: [giving a pose] Is a mighty owl!

[the owl poops and pees on Yoet Klovok and Bogdan Klovok]

Yoet Klovok: Oh, god!

Bogdan Klovok: Oh! Oh! Oh!

Yoet Klovok: No, no, no, no. Majesty!

Bogdan Klovok: Disgusting! He pie-pied all over my show coat. Tell you, he’s not ready.

Yoet Klovok: He is!

Bogdan Klovok: Apology to you all. Majesty had a small issue. But now, behold the mighty owl.

[The own pukes all over Bogdan Klovok and Yoet Klovok’s faces.]

Yoet Klovok: No! No!

Bogdan Klovok: No, Majesty. Majesty!

Yoet Klovok: Majesty up. Majesty up.

Bogdan Klovok: He’s not ready.

Yoet Klovok: Thank you. And now you have experienced the Mighty owl.

Rachel Bell: Okay. The mighty owl with quite a performance. Bud did it fly with our judge? Tay-Tay.

Tay-Tay Dubbs: I mean, let’s just say it. Your owl is wack. Your owl is out of order. I mean you said it. It’s got ass in his brains. Well, it shows fellas. Tip-top shape? Don’t lie to a man. That owl is sick!

Yoet Klovok: Okay.

Bogdan Klovok: Okay.

Yoet Klovok: Right.

Damien Knox: Okay, any areas of improvement?

Tay-Tay Dubbs: Yeah. Get a new owl. Look, I work in Hollywood and that owl is not a star. That owl is and I can’t prove this, but I know it’s true, that owl is the worst owl in the world.

Bogdan Klovok: Thank you. Thank you.

Rachel Bell: Okay. Let’s bring out our other acts. Three incredibles acts. Which one will be leaving tonight? Will it be bling juggler Max Insight who Tay-Tay called the ninth wonder of the world?

Damien Knox: Will it be 17 year old opera prodigy Erika Le’Saw who Tay-Tay said would win it all?

Rachel Bell: Or will it be the Mighty Owl to which Tay-Tay said got ass in it’s brain.

Damien Knox: Three incredible acts and we’ll find out who is going home after the break.

[The End]

Science Presentation

Aidy Bryant

Ray… John Cena

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Miles… Mikey day

Heather… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with students getting ready for project presentations.]

Aidy: Our applied science’s 101-A final projects continue today with three more students who will present their findings and field questions from our panel.

Ray: Um, professor, before we begin can I say something? Alright, let’s be real. I’m in Alabama mostly because of my abilities in the football field. But I take my academics incredibly serously.

Aidy: Oh, that’s very admirable, Ray.

Ray: That’s why I said unless I got A+ on all my finals, I will voluntarily sit out that bowl game against Washington.

Beck: Well, we uphold our end by judging you just like any other student. And also, thank you for signing my hat.

Ray: No problem.

[Kenan has painted his face the color of Alabama jersey]

Kenan: Absolutely. Don’t you expect any favors from us.

Aidy: Wonderful. Now, would you all please state the topics that we assigned to you.

Miles: Um, yes, Quantum entanglement impaired particles.

Heather: Ionization in the gas phase.

Ray: Bananas.

Aidy: Fantastic. Now, please display your projects.

Kenan: Miles, I found you small particle accelerator while crude, to be quite clever.

Aidy: Yes, and Heather, your cloud chamber was equally as impressive.

Heather: Thank you.

Miles: That’s very kind. Thank you.

Beck: But Ray, we were all blown away by our bananas nailed to a piece of plywood.

Ray: Thank you, sir. It was hard to make.

Miles: Um, I’m sorry, bananas nailed to a piece of plywood? I just don’t think this is very fair.

Kenan: Please concentrate on your own project, Miles.

Coach: Hey, can we move this along? He’s got practice at three.

Ray: Hey, Coach, I have practice if I get an A+.

Coach: Oh, yeah, yeah. A+, yeah. right.

Ray: [clearing throat] May I read my findings?

Aidy: Oh, of course, Ray.

Ray: [clearing throat] Sorry, nervous. Banana is a yellow snack that monkeys eat. These five types of bananas [showing bananas he has nailed on a plywood], yellow, brown spotty, very brown, green and round. [The last one is an orange]

Heather: I’m sorry, there’s an orange on his banana board.

Kenan: Hey! That is a round orange banana.

Miles: I promise you that is an orange.

Beck: Are you trying to make us lost the game, nerd? God! Continue, Ray.

Ray: I used to not like bananas because they look like boys’ wieners, but now I like them because they’re yummy. Thank you.

Aidy: Brilliant. Truly brilliant, Ray. The floor is open for panel questions.

Beck: Um, Miles, why did you omit the effects of entanglement swapping from the calculations?

Miles: Um, I did not have the proper research in that area.

Kenan: Very disappointing.

Beck: This is important, guys. Science is in the details. How, Ray, what’s the outside of a banana called?

Ray: [thinking hard] The… crust?

Beck: Bingo!

Aidy: Heather, look at the monitor please. Is this an integral or differential condensation curve?

[There’s a curve with many details on the monitor]

Heather: Um, it’s a– well, it’s- it’s weird. I- I haven’t– Um, I haven’t like, seen one like that.

Aidy: Okay. Are you, uh, like, um, like, like, so sure?

Kenan: Now Ray, direct your attention to the monitor and your question is, is that funny?

[A cartoon banana is dancing on the monitor]

Ray: [laughing] Peanut butter jelly time. Peanut butter jelly time.

Miles: I’m sorry. This is insane. I haven’t slept in a month building a particle accelerator and Ray just gets to laugh at a banana GIF?

[Kenan jumps to attack Miles but others stop him]

Beck: It’s okay.

Kenan: I’ve had it with this kid!

Beck: Alright. You know what? We’re ready to announce your grades. Nerd, you’ve scored a 20%.

Miles: [disappointed] What?

Aidy: Heather, 70.2%

Heather: [disappointed] Uh! I hate this school.

Kenan: And Ray, I’m happy to say you scored 100%.

Ray: Woo-hoo! Oh, Coach! I did it!

Coach: Hah? [using his phone] Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re the smartest kind in the world.

Beck: Looks like you can play in the bowl game after all.

Ray: I’ll just have to get A+ on my English Lit final first. But I ain’t worried, coz I know the hell out of the very hungry caterpillar. [opening children’s caterpillar book]

[The End]

Romance Bookstore

Vanessa Bayer

Mitchel… Beck Bennett

Carol… Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Dan… John Cena

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Vanessa and Mitchel entering a bookstore]

Vanessa: Oh, sexy. Baby, it’s an erotic bookstore.

Mitchel: Anything to help our dumb ass dry spell.

Vanessa: Mitchel!

Carol: Aw! Welcome to the Scorched Corset, where fantasies delight.

Kenan: What my friend Carol is trying to say is let us know if you need anything.

Vanessa: Yeah. We’re just browsing. Do you have something by Jacquelin Livo?

Carol: Hmm, have you read the Ranch hand and the Row?

Vanessa: I have not.

Carol: Okay, well let me retrieve it for you. Our stock boy should know where it is. Jon George!

[Dan walks in. He is a big man with long silky blonde hair.]

Dan: Yes.

Carol: Assist me at once.

Dan: Sure. Let’s get that book.

[Carol and Dan walk away]

Kenan: She’ll be right back.

[Cut to Carol and Dan behind the shelfs]

Carol: Oh, Dan. Oh, you want me, I know it. But we’re at work. We can’t. A woman of my stature with a brut accustomed to manual labor?

Dan: Oh, yeah. I’m a big boy. I have a thick neck, big hands. I’ve been waiting you so bad in this store.

[Cut to the store. Carol and Dan are just one shelf behind Vanessa, Mitchel and Kenan]

Vanessa: I’m sorry. What’s going on back there?

Kenan: Oh, that’s just Carol and Dan. She calls him Dan.

Mitchel: Why?

Kenan: I don’t know. But don’t worry, they never do anything. It’s all show and no go.

[Carol walks in with a book]

Carol: I found it. Here you go. I hope this teases and pleases. Now go, free of charge.

Kenan: No, no, no. It’s $5.

Mitchel: Here. [paying the money] It better be five bucks of bedroom magic. Come on.

[Vanessa and Mitchel walk out]

[Melissa walks in]

Melissa: Hi. I’m looking for a fun light read for a long plain ride?

Carol: Ah! Perhaps you’ll like the work of Feather Dubreaux. Dan!

[Dan walks in]

Dan: Yea.

Carol: To the bookcase.

[Carol and Dan walk away]

Kenan: Let’s hustle Carol.

[Cut to Carol and Dan behind the shelfs]

Carol: Quick, take me away to a fantasy. I’m on an Irish cliff. My hair is red and very wide. It’s blowing in the Irish wind and I’ve known only as Lady Velvet.

Dan: And I’m the guy who puts the horse food in the horse bucket. Yes, I’m dirty, and strong.

Carol: Yes! You woke up my estate.

Dan: And I have fix, stake hands, right?

Carol: Yes.

[Cut to the store. Carol and Dan are just one shelf behind Melissa and Kenan]

Melissa: So, are they a couple?

Kenan: No, they’re damn not. They just work here. I mean, she does.

Melissa: And he doesn’t?

Kenan: No, he works for her.

Melissa: What do you mean?

Kenan: She pays him out of her paycheck.

Melissa: But she’s the owner?

Kenan: No, I am.

Melissa: So, he doesn’t work here?

Kenan: Right.

Melissa: And that doesn’t bother you?

Kenan: I mean, it really does, but what am I gonna do? You know?

[Cut to Carol and Dan]

Carol: My tiny pink nips scream in the howling wind.

Dan: And my thick stake hands reach at those.

Carol: Oh, but we shan’t touch because I’m a lady of gold coins, satin gloves and tiny decadent cakes.

Dan: And I am a dirt man that knows only sex.

[Dan opens his shirt]

Carol: Oh! Teach me!

Kenan: Get the book! Get the damn book!

[Carol walks in with a book in her hand]

Carol: Here, here. Take it as a gift. Now go.

Kenan: No, you must pay.

Melissa: This isn’t Feather Dubreaux. This is Tanya Whitmore. She writes filth.

Kenan: Carol, fix this.

Carol: Oh, I shall. Dan!

[Carol runs out]

[Cut to Carol and Dan]

Dan: I’m a cave man with a big gun.

Carol: Oh, and I’m horny wealthy ghost with full throttle knockers. [Carol shows her bra]

Dan: And I grab your ghost butt with my ten pound hands.

[Cut to Kenan and Melissa]

Kenan: I’m really sorry. This is embarrassing. Just one moment please.

[Kenan goes behind]

[Cut to Carol, Kenan and Dan]

Kenan: Look, you two. Stop it and listen to me. I am on horseback. Leather chaps my skin as I ride atop the red rocks of Sedona.