Category: 2017

Kellyanne Conway

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with The Lead with Jake Tapper intro]

[Cut to Jake Tapper in his news set]

Jake Tapper: Welcome back to The Lead. We’re speaking with Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump’s campaign manager turned white house counselor.

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you, Jake.

Jake Tapper: President Trump said his first foreign trip may be to meet with Vladimir Putin. Isn’t that troubling?

Kellyanne Conway: Actually, no, it’s not. And the thing to remember about Russia is that we won and I don’t know why you keep bringing up the election.

Jake Tapper: I’m not. I’m talking about Russia. Doesn’t Trump’s relationship with Putin concern you?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Actually what does concern me is that she didn’t go to Michigan and she lost and we won and we did win.

Jake Tapper: Oh my god, why do you do this?

Kellyanne Conway: Do what, Jake?

Jake Tapper: Com on here every single day and do this. What do you get out of this?

Kellyanne Conway: I love Trump. And I believe in Trump. And the reason I joined his campaign is because I thought he was going to be the president for all people.

Jake Tapper: Really? That’s really what you thought?

Kellyanne Conway: Mm, yes, that’s what I thought.

Jake Tapper: And that’s all you thought?

Kellyanne Conway: Well– [music starts playing] I guess if I’m being completely honest, Jake, I just also think–

[Kellyanne Conway starts dancing and singing]

[singing] The name on everybody’s lips is gonna be, “Conway”
the lady raking in the chips is gonna be Conway
I’m gonna be a celebrity
that means somebody everyone knows
they’re gonna recognize my eyes,
my hair, my teeth, my boobs, my nose

Ooh, I’m gonna join sag

From just some dumb Blueberry farm I’m gonna be Conway
who says the lying’s not an art?
And when they google just okay
my name will come up before Kanye
Kellyanne Conway

[Cut back to the news set]

Jake Tapper: Now, Kellyanne, starting yesterday, you are now counselor to the president.

Kellyanne Conway: Mm-hmm. Yes, I am. I am that.

Jake Tapper: You have the president’s ear and a real opportunity to effect change in the White House.

[Kellyanne Conway looks surprised]

Kellyanne Conway: Oh my god, Jake, you’re right. Do you know what this means?

[singing] boys!

Boys: They’re gonna wait outside in line to get to see Conway
Kellyanne Conway: Think of those autographs I’ll sign, good luck to you

Boys: Conway!

Kellyanne Conway: An I’ll appear in a sleeveless dress on any show they’ll let me do

Boys: Meet the press, Anderson, Hannity, Fox & Friends

Kellyanne Conway: And if they I’ll do ‘The Chew’
Ooh, I’m a star
and the audience loves me and I love them
and they love me for loving them
and I love them for loving me
and we love each other

Hey, know what’s weird?
This time last year, I supported Ted Cruz
I said Donald Trump acted unpresidential
It’s on tape.

But hey, that’s show biz, Kel

Boys: She’s giving up her humdrum life

Kellyanne Conway: I’m gonna be Conway

Boys: She treats the news just like a play

Kellyanne Conway: And when the world goes up in flames
at least for now they knew my name
Kellyanne Conway

Five Stars

Aziz Ansari

Pedros… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Aziz waiting for his Uber driver whose rating is 3.9.]

Aziz: How does a guy not even have four stars? I wonder what my rating is.

[Aziz looks at his rating. His rating is also 3.9.]

How the [bleep] an I 3.9? Um, I guess I do make the drivers wait a lot.

[Cut to Pedros, the Uber driver]

Pedros: [looking at the Uber app] 3.9 stars? What? Is he psycho? I wonder what my rating is. [Pedros looks at his rating] 3,9? Well, I did hit that kid, so.

[Cut to Aziz walking]

Aziz: Okay, I gotta get my rating up to at least four. I’m gonna need a five star review.

[Cut to Pedros in his car]

Pedros: Five star ride. You can do this, Pedros.

[Cut to Aziz riding Pedros’s Uber]

Aziz thinking: Okay, let’s try to form a connection. Ask him something original. Thoughtful. Something no one else would ask.

Aziz: So, how long have you been driving for Uber?

Aziz thinking: Nailed it.

Pedros: Good question. I’ve been driving about six months.

Aziz: Cool!

Pedros thinking: Now you ask him a question. Something very pleasant, non-confrontational.

Pedros: What religion are you?

Pedros thinking: Dammit!

Aziz: I’m not really that religious.

Pedros: I put down some music?

Aziz: Sure.

Pedros thinking: What would he like?

[Pedros plays sitar music]

Aziz thinking: Oh, god! Is this what he thinks I like?

Pedros: Hah?

Aziz: Yeah. I love this style of music.

Pedros: [singing] Do-ti-do-ti. Or I can put on something else.

Aziz thinking: Alright, think. What would he like to hear?

Aziz: What about some Russian trance music?

[Pedros plays a trance music]

Aziz thinking: Am I a racist for thinking this is a music he likes?

Pedros thinking: I do like Russian trance music. You can do this, Pedros. Five star ride. Use the mints.

Pedros: You want mint?

Aziz: Um, sure.

[Pedros is looking for the mint at the compartment but takes a lot of time to find one.]

Pedros: And mint! [passing a pack of mint to Aziz]

Aziz: Oh, great!

Aziz thinking: [looking at the mint’s company] Mouth help? Are these off-brand Russian mints? Just take the mint.

[when Aziz opens the pack of mint, it’s all disgusting inside]

Aziz: It’s moist.

[Aziz puts one on mouth anyway]

[pointing outside] Oh, man! Is that Cuba Gooding Jr.?

Pedros: What? No way!

[as Pedros looks away, Aziz spits the mint out]

Aziz: It’s a really good mint. Thanks man.

Aziz thinking: He totally saw that. He’s freaking out. Think! You need to get this five star rating.

[as Pedros is driving, Aziz starts massaging Pedros’s back]

Aziz: How’s that? Little shoulder massage. You look little tensed.

Pedros: No, it’s okay. That’s nice. Ah, man! Oh!

Pedros thinking: You also should touch him.

[Pedros pulls up Aziz’s leg]

Pedros: Here we go. Is it okay?

Aziz: Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Pedros: And oopsie-bootsie. [Pedros pulls the shoe out of Aziz’s feet]

[Aziz is massaging Pedros’s back and Pedros is massaging Aziz’s fet]

Aziz: It’s nice.

Pedros: It’s good. Yeah, it’s all about pressure points.

[horn honking]

What the [bleep]. Get out of the way!

Aziz: Wow!

Pedros: [sigh] What are we even doing? This all horse and pony show to impress each other.

Aziz: It is these ratings. It’s driving me crazy.

Pedros: It’s like this episode of black mirror or something.

Aziz: Oh, man. You watch black mirror too?

Pedros: Yeah.

Aziz and Pedros: That’s like my favorite show.

Aziz: The best episode was …

Aziz and Pedros: Sangino Paro.

Aziz: What?

Pedros: It’s about to go! Ha-ha-ha.

Aziz: Um, well this is me.

Pedros: Yeah.

[Pedros pulls over]

Hey, five stars.

Aziz: Right back at you, brother. Have a good one, Pedros.

Pedros: Adios, cowboy.

[Pedros drives forward and runs over Aziz. He then runs away.]

Bedroom

Aziz Ansari

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Aziz and Melissa getting in bed]

Aziz: Hey, baby. You’re looking good.

Melissa: What? Oh, yeah. It’s Sunday night. That’s when we have sex.

Aziz: Well, you know, don’t say it like that like it’s a hair appointment or something.

Melissa: No, I’m pumped for it. I promise. Let’s start.

[Melissa tries to cuddle]

Aziz: Well, hold on, hold on. Now, I was thinking maybe we could do something fun tonight. Try and spice things up a bit. What do you think about a little dirty talk?

Melissa: Oh, yeah, that’s hot.

Aziz: What’s up, you dirty girl?

Melissa: Yeah. What’s up you freaking alcoholic?

Aziz: Okay. Well, you know, babe, let’s not bring up my old demons, you know? I’m a little sensitive about that. How about this? Just be like, a little mean to me.

Melissa: Okay. What’s up, bitch? I make more money than you.

Aziz: Okay. Well, that’s kind of another sore spot for me. You know? Let’s keep it simple. How about you just call me daddy?

Melissa: Okay.

[Aziz and Melissa starts cuddling]

Aziz: Um, you like that?

Melissa: OH, yeah, dad. Do me, dad.

Aziz: Okay. One second. Maybe don’t say ‘dad’. Coz dad, it just sounds like you’re talking about your real dad. Like, your biological dad. Maybe we need a little structure. A little role playing.

Melissa: Umm.

Aziz: Here, I’ll lead us off. [Aziz and Melissa start cuddling] Well, hello, young lady. Are you here after class for some extra tutoring?

Melissa: Oh, yeah, I am. Because I have a learning disability. When I read, the words all fall out of order.

Aziz: Okay baby, you know, the thing is that’s just kind of sad. How about, um… [Aziz and Melissa start cuddling] you know, why you’re here in the principal’s office?

Melissa: Coz I brought a gun to school.

Aziz: Okay. You don’t have a gun, babe. I think– [Aziz and Melissa start cuddling] I think you’re here because you have been dressing like a slut. Now give me one reason I shouldn’t kick you out of school.

Melissa: Because I want to do you.

Aziz: Oh, you are bad.

Melissa: Yeah. I’m the baddest girl on 6th grade.

Aziz: No, no, no, no, no. You can’t be in the 6th grade because– general rule, alright? Dirty talk, you’re 18, alright? Keep it legal.

Melissa: Oh, okay. But I read at 6th grade because of my learning disability.

Aziz: No, let’s move on from that, okay? Let’s keep it simple and fun, alright? Let’s start with a voice, okay? [Aziz and Melissa start cuddling] Hi. [Australian accent] I’m Liam. I’m a surfer from Australia. You wanna see my didgeridoo?

Melissa: [making voice] Oh, yeah. Show it to me, wow.

Aziz: Oh yeah? What’s your name?

Melissa: Owen Wilson, baby. [She actually looks like Owen Wilson when she talks like that]

Aziz: Not Owen Wilson. You’re not– I’m not– You’re not Owen Wilson. I mean, no disrespect. I mean ‘Shanghai Nights’ all day. But you gotta do a lady’s voice.

Melissa: Am, Wanda Sykes? [speaking like Wanda Sykes] You wanna get nasty with Wands Sykes, baby? Yeah.

Aziz: Isn’t she a lesbian?

Melissa: Oh, yeah.

Aziz: It’s kind of hot!

Melissa: [speaking like Wanda Sykes] Oh yeah!

[Aziz and Melissa get under the blanket]

Beat the Bookworm

Bookworm… Aziz Ansari

Keaton Seasons… Mikey Day

Cindy… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with GSN show schedule]

Female voice: Now back to ‘Beat the Bookworm’, only on Game Show Network.

[Cut to Bookworm in a library]

Bookworm: Can you beat me in the game of wiz?

Male voice: Declared a genius at birth, he spent his life in pursuit of knowledge.

Bookworm: While you were watching TV, I was reading thousands of books. I know all.

Male voice: Can you ‘Beat the Bookworm’?

[Cut to Keaton Seasons and Cindy at the game stage]

Keaton Seasons: Alright, welcome to ‘Beat the Bookworm’. I’m Keaton Seasons and I am joined by Cindy, a–

Cindy: Unemployed.

Keaton Seasons: From Phoenix, who just as we ran out of time yesterday won over $32,000, and a chance to go head to head with the bookworm.

[The wall rotates and there’s Bookworm sitting there.]

Bookworm: Hello, idiots.

Keaton Seasons: Bookworm, any words for Cindy before we play?

Bookworm: Um, yes, I will win.

Keaton Seasons: Ha-ha. Oh-oh, you hear that Cindy?

Cindy: I’m not scared. I’m gonna beat that damn bookworm.

Keaton Seasons: Don’t say ‘damn’, please. Now, let’s play. You know how it works, Cindy. You and the bookworm will answer a series of questions from a category of your choice. If you score higher than the bookworm, you’ll leave here with $1 million. But if you don’t–

Bookworm: You’ll leave here with what you are, nothing.

Keaton Seasons: Cindy, will the bookworm be answering questions about Shakespeare’s Comedies?

Bookworm: Oh, the Bard of Avon. I am partially Parkish as I may be, the bookworm does love that category.

Keaton Seasons: The space Race.

Bookworm: Um, who would be the first to touch the cosmos? The Starjen Shives or the Hamaran Sikil? Pick this category and USSR going to lose.

Keaton Seasons: ’90s Pop Culture.

Bookworm: Noooo!

Keaton Seasons: Alright, Cindy, which category do you think will beat the bookworm.

Cindy: Um, I’m leaning towards ’90s Pop Culture because of that long “Noooo!” Then again, I did study Shakespeare in college.

Bookworm: Um, so? Shakespeare it is.

Cindy: But then again, I am a ’90s kid, so let’s go with ’90s Pop Culture.

Bookworm: Noooo! I don’t know any of that stuff. I spent the ’90s reading books.

Keaton Seasons: Let’s play. Beat the Bookworm. [Bookworm looks nervous] Bookworm, your time begins now. Name the Super Bother’s Mario and–

Bookworm: Kevin?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: MC Hammer was too legit to–

Bookworm: Drive?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: Terminator 2 lined all be–

Bookworm: Back in the Jeff?

[wrong answer buzzer]

None of this was in my books.

Keaton Seasons: Finish the TLC lyric, don’t go chasing–

Bookworm: Dogs.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: Forest Gump said, “Life is like a box of–”

Bookworm: Condoms?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh! I’m gonna lose.

Keaton Seasons: Michael Jackson was king of–

Bookworm: The Jews.

Keaton Seasons: No, that was Jesus Christ. Last question, name the science guy–

Bookworm: Ah, yes! I know them all.

Keaton Seasons: –who hosted a kid’s TV show.

Bookworm: Who is that? He is not a real scientist!

[Time up buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: Out of time! Wow! Cindy, a lucky break in the form of an absolute cratering on behalf of the bookworm. How do you feel?

Cindy: Damn good.

Keaton Seasons: You said ‘damn’ again. Coming up, Cindy goes for the million and bookworm, since you scored zero, you gotta wear the dum-dum hat.

Bookworm: Not the dum-dum hat! Please!

[Keaton Seasons puts a cone hat with ‘Dum-Dum’ written on Bookworm]

Keaton Seasons: We’ll be right back.

Aziz Ansari Stand-Up Monologue

Aziz Ansari

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Aziz Ansari.

[Aziz Ansari walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Aziz Ansari: Thank you. Thank you very much. Wow! I can’t believe this. I’m here hosting Saturday Night Live. Yeah! [in intense voice] The day after Trump’s inauguration. Hmm. Pretty cool to know though, he’s probably at home right now watching a brown guy make fun of him though, right?

[cheers and applause]

Crazy couple of days, man! Yesterday, Trump was inaugurated. Today, an entire gender protested against him. Wow! Everyone should support that. It shows that people care. Very cool. I do think we should be careful though. You know? We can’t demonize everyone that voted for Trump. Some people are like, “Everyone that voted for Trump is a dumb racist, misogynist, homophobe–” Alright, hold on. We are talking about 63 million people. Don’t judge them by their worst. I’m sure there are some people have different political priorities. I’m sure there are some people voted for him with reservations. I’m sure there’s a lot of people that voted for Trump the same way a lot of people listen to the music of Christ Brown. Where it’s like, “Hey, man. I’m just here for the tunes. I’m just here for the tunes. I don’t know about that other stuff. I just like the dancing and the music. I don’t condone the extra curriculars.” If you think about it, Donald Trump is basically the Chris Brown of politics. And ‘Make America Great Again’ is his ‘These Hoes Ain’t Loyal.’

So look, we’re divided. It’s okay. We have always been divided by some of the big political issues. It’s fine. As long as we treat each other with respect and remember that ultimately, we are all Americans, we’ll be fine. But the problem is– [cheers and applause] The problem is there is a new group. I’m talking about this tiny slice of people that have gotten way too fired up about the Trump thing for the wrong reasons. I’m talking about these people that as soon as Trump won, they’re like, [acts shocked] “We don’t have to pretend like we’re not racist anymore. We don’t have to pretend anymore. We can be racist again. Whooo!” Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! No! No! If you’re one of these people, please go back to pretending. You’ve got to go back to pretending. I’m so sorry we never thanked you for your service. We never realized how much effort you were putting into the pretending. But you’ve got to go back to pretending. [cheers and applause] Hey, I know it’s been a rough couple of years. Obama, ‘Empire’, ‘Hamilton.’ It’s just been hit after hit after hit. Star Wars movie is where the only white characters are storm troopers. I get it. It’s been rough. But you got to stop. You know who I”m talking about. There’s like this new lower case KKK movement that’s started. This kind of casual white supremacy. “oh, let me put my foot in the pool and see how cold this water really is.” No! No! I’m talking about these people running around saying stuff like, “Trump won, go back to Africa.” “Trump won, go back to Mexico.” They see me. “Trump won, go back… to where you came from.” Yeah, they’re not usually geography buffs.

[cheers and applause]

Is that the plan, by the way? We’re all gonna move? All the minorities? 40-some percent of the country? Every minority’s gonna move? Beyoncé’s gonna move? Beyoncé ain’t moving. I ain’t moving. Okay? My parents– [applause] My parents moved from India to South Carolina in the early ’80s. They didn’t move until nine years ago. You know where they moved? North Carolina. They love it here. They’re not leaving. [cheers and applause]

Lower case KKK, man! They’re out there. You know? Hate crimes and stuff are on the rise. You know as far as people of my own skin tone, brown people, I think the part of the problem is a lot of these people, they just haven’t interacted with any brown people in normal life. They only people they see are these monsters in the news who are just a drop in the ocean. Maybe what needs to happens when they do the news report, they should do a second report about other brown people up to normal stuff to calm those people down. So, the report’s like, “The suspect is considered armed and dangerous. Not armed and dangerous, these four other Muslim people eating nachos in Chicago. Let’s go to a footage of them. Oh-oh! Looks like Nasir just spilled a little cheese on his khakis. Got a little overambitious with that last dip. We’ve all been there.”

A lot of people are Islamaphobic which doesn’t make sense on paper. Coz, you know, like, god in Islam is the same god that was revealed to Abraham in Judaism or Christianity, same guy. But people are scared. Why? Coz any time they watch movies, TV shows and a character is Arabic where they’re praying or something like that, that’s scary ass music from ‘Homeland’ is underneath it. It’s terrifying. [mimicking the scary music while praying] And people are like, “Ah! What did they say?” Just god is good, normal religions stuff, it’s okay! You wanna end Islamophobia, honestly, just change that music. Like, if the music was different, if it was just like, [mimicking theme music to ‘Benny Hill’ funnily while praying], people would be like, “Man, Islam is one whimsical religion, isn’t it?”

[cheers and applause]

I think Trump should make a speech, a real speech denouncing the lower case KKK. Don’t tweet about me being lame or the show. Write a speech. A real speech coz these people are out there and it’s pissing a lot of people off. And I think you can make a difference coz other presidents have done things like this and it has helped. Hate crimes and stuffs went down. George Bush– George W. Bush made a speech after 9/Aziz AnsariAziz Ansari. And it really helped. Things changed. This is what he said in the speech and I’m paraphrasing slightly. He said, “Islam is peace. The perpetrators of these attacks, they don’t represent Islam. They represent war and violence. Our enemies are not our muslim brothers and sisters. Our enemies are network of radical terrorists.” And everyone applauded. Republicans, democrats, didn’t matter. Coz it was not about politics. It was about basic human decency and remembering why the country was founded in the first place. And I’m sitting there and I’m watching the speech. What the hell has happened? I’m sitting here wistfully watching old George W. Bush speeches? Just saying, “What a leader he was?” 16 years ago, I was certain this dude was a dildo. Now I’m sitting there like, “He guided us with his eloquence!

[cheers and applause]

I want to leave you guys with a serious thought. I know there are a lot of people that are worried now. It’s a weird time. If you’re excited about Trump, great! He’s president. Let’s hope he does a great job. If you’re scared about Trump and you’re very worried, you’re going to be okay too. Coz if you look at our country’s history, change doesn’t come from presidents. Change comes from large groups of angry people. And if day one is any indication, you are part of the largest group of angry people I have ever see. [cheers and applause] Good luck to you.

We’ve got a great show tonight. Big Sean is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Attorney Ad

Lisa Broderick… Kate McKinnon

Jeremy Ganz… Bobby Moynihan

Aziz Ansari

Sasheer Zamata

Melissa Villaseñor

Bill… Pete Davidson

[Starts with ad video bumper]

Female voice: [singing] Broderick and Gans, injury attorneys for you.

[Cut to Lisa Broderick and Jeremy Ganz in their office]

Lisa Broderick: Hi, I’m Lisa Broderick.

Jeremy Ganz: And I’m Jeremy Ganz.

Lisa Broderick: Have you been injured in an accident? Talk to us. [Lisa Broderick and Jeremy Ganz pointing at the camera] We’ll get you the money you deserve.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: After my accident, Jeremy Ganz got me a settlement of $6,000.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Lisa Broderick got me $1.7 million.

[Cut to Melissa and Bill]

Bill: Thanks to Lisa Broderick, we were awarded $2 million.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: Wait. Those guys got how much?

[Cut to Lisa Broderick and Jeremy Ganz]

Lisa Broderick: We’ve got your back. I Lisa Broderick have 14 years of law experience and I graduated top of my class at Yale.

Jeremy Ganz: And I am also a lawyer.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: I burned my tongue on hot coffee. Thanks to Lisa Broderick, I don’t have to work anymore.

[Cut to Melissa and Bill]

Melissa: Bill sprained his ankle at the mall.

Bill: And now we’re set for life.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: Cement truck crashed into my living room and dumped cement all over me. I was trapped in concrete for three days. The firemen had to chisel me out. Now that I think about it, $6,000 seems pretty light given the severity of this accident. I’m not sure Ganz did a good job here.

[Cut to Lisa Broderick and Jeremy Ganz]

Lisa Broderick: As a lawyer, I love having a personal connection with my clients.

Jeremy Ganz: My favorite part about being a lawyer is that there is a real live policemen in the courtroom. You can’t touch his gun, but you can see it.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: He did touch his gun. And it definitely affected the case.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

Sasheer: Lisa was smart, professional and answered all my questions.

[Cut to Melissa and Bill]

Bill: Lisa came to our home every day and drove us to the courthouse.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: Dud! Ganz showed up to court an hour late, wearing two different New Balance sneakers. At one point, I’m pretty sure he called me ‘your honor’.

[Cut to Lisa Broderick and Jeremy Ganz]

Jeremy Ganz: You know, people always ask us how in god’s name did you become partners?

Lisa Broderick: Well, I first me Jeremy Ganz when he generously gave my father his kidney.

Jeremy Ganz: And then she hired me when I gave her husband my other kidney.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: This guy is walking around with no kidneys? That explains why he kept going cross-eyed and blacking out.

[Cut to Melissa and Bill]

Melissa: I guess you could say Lisa was a bulldog in the courtroom.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: One time after he blacked out, I had to present my own evidence. I had a video of the whole crash. But when I showed it in court, Ganz had recorded over it with his audition for that TV show ‘Naked and Afraid’.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: When Broderick gave her closing argument, the judge and jury actually applauded.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: After mine was over, Ganz followed back to my hotel and asked to borrow five of my $6,000. When I said no, he locked himself in my bathroom and called squatter’s rights. I had to hire another lawyer to evict him. I am in so much debt right now.

[Cut to Lisa Broderick and Jeremy Ganz]

Lisa Broderick: At Broderick and Gans, we will never stop fighting… for you.

Jeremy Ganz: That’s right. And oh-oh, I’m blacking out!

[Cut to Broderick & Ganz video bumper]

Weekend Update Pete Davidson’s First Impressions

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: All this week confirmation hearings are taking place for Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees. Here to quickly sort them out with a segment called ‘First Impressions’, is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey, Che. How are you? Alright. So, Donald Trump has made about 20 different picks for his cabinet. [Cut to Pete Davidson] And democrats don’t like any of them. You knew we were in trouble when every liberal in America was like, “Come on, Mitt Romney!” Look, I don’t know everything about politics, or anything for that matter. But I’m a pretty good judge of people based on my first impressions. So, here we go.

[There’s a picture of Jeff Sessions at right top corner.]

For Attorney General, Trump picked Alabama senator Jeff Sessions. A man who looks like Dobbie from ‘Harry Potter’, wished to be a real boy.

[Picture changes to Steven Mnuchin]

Next, we got the nominee for Treasury. Metrosexual Apple genius bar worker, Steven Mnuchin. He’s a Goldman Sachs guy worth over $1 billion. A long time ago, he was like, “When I’ll have $1 billion, women will have sex with me.” Now he’s like, “Maybe a trillion.”

[Picture changes to Ben Carson]

Next is Trump’s nominee for housing and urban development Ben Carson. Trump thinks Carson should be in charge of housing because he lived in the projects as a child. Really? If you’re an expert on wherever you were born, does that mean I can be secretary of the Honda Civic? Sorry mom.

[Picture changes to Wilber Ross]

For secretary of commerce, the pick is Wilber Ross. I’ve heard this guy’s a billionaire investor. But I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him sitting on Jeff Dunham’s lap. [Picture changes to Jeff Dunham and his puppet.] i knew I recognized him.

[Picture changes to Andrew Puzder]

Trump’s pick for secretary of labor is a guy named Andrew Puzder. If you ever wondered what Michael Fassbender would look like if he played Lex Luthor, wonder no more. Puzder was the CEO of Hardy’s and now he’s gonna be in charge of all the workers in America. You know how I know that’s a bad idea? Coz it’s the first time I’ve heard of the word Hardy’s in 15 years.

[Picture changes to Eric Trump]

And then there’s Eric Trump. This guy is not in Trump’s cabinet but I couldn’t resist. His hair says 1985 but his face screams, “Put the lotion in the basket!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]

Michael Che: Pete Davidson’s First Impressions, everybody.

Pete Davidson: Put the lotion in the basket!

Weekend Update on Stomach Bug Shutting Down High School

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a school at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A high school in Illinois has cancelled classed for second day after more than 800 students were out with a stomach bug. Which makes sense for a school whose Mascot is a worm-shrimp cocktail. Adorable.

[picture changes to Apple logo and an iPhone]

This week marked the 10th anniversary of the iPhone. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Thank you, Apple, for helping me ignore my family. [joining hands emoji, apple emoji, handshake emoji, monkey closing eyes emoji and family emoji appears on screen]

Imagine how different our lives would be right now without iPhones. Without an iPhone you wouldn’t be able to see that your friend is calling and wait until they stop calling, and then text them, “Why are you calling?” Kids in America would have great posture. And kids in China would have a day off.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ford logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I’m sure they’ll be building something. Ford has announced plans to start selling a new version of it’s classic Bronco SUV in twentytwenty. Hey, just in time for parole. [picture changes to OJ Simpson]

Did somebody say, “Whoo”?

[Picture changes to Chicago city]

A federal investigation concluded that the city of Chicago’s police officers used excessive force and unfairly target minorities. Oh, so that was the problem. You know, as a black dude that grew up in as Colin puts it, “the ghetto”, [Colin laughing] I never understood why cops don’t like us. We have so much in common with the police. We’re both portrayed negatively on the news. You can hear our cars from blocks away. Everyone gets nervous when they think we’re following them. We’re the only two people I know who can hop a fence in boots. We both bring our own guns to funerals. I can go on and on. But the biggest similarity is that black people don’t like being in crime infested areas either and I think that gets lost. That’s why I hate the term black on black crime because it makes it seem like it’s just a race issue. Which makes people who aren’t black check out. And I don’t blame them. If I saw a headline that said, “White woman cuts off white man’s penis”, I would be like, “Damn, white people are crazy. I’m glad I’m not white.” But if you took race out of it and the headline said instead, “Fed up woman cuts off cheating man’s penis,” I’d be like, “Oh, no, Colin, this affects us all.”

Weekend Update on Russia Blackmailing Donald Trump

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: What’s up, everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Well, Colin, this week we all got to explain our parents what a golden shower is. Well, explain it to our moms coz my dad was like, “Golden shower? Oh, the war.”

Buzzfeed reported unverified claims that Russia got their hands on some compromising information on Donald Trump to blackmail him. But the problem with unverified claims is no matter how unverified they are, if it’s hilarious enough, people will remember it as fact. Which is why when someone mentions Richard Gere to me, I don’t think “Pretty Woman.” I think Gerbil.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump blamed intelligence agencies for allowing the Russian dossier to leak, tweeting “Are we living in Nazi Germany?” Of course not. Nazi Germany at least had the guts to stand up to Russia.

On Wednesday, president elect Donald Trump held his first official press conference. And like a golden shower, it was a mess that covered everything. Trump only spoke for eight minutes, yet he somehow covered 4,000 topics. And at that point, it was journey to paper mountain. Trump said that the documents were evidence that he’s stepping away from his business. But it looked like evidence that he’s a hoarder. How does he have that much paper and none of it is tax returns? I’ll tell you this, I think we’re in good shape if Trump destroys ISIS the way he destroyes trees.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump refused to answer questions from CNN by doing this.

[Cut to Donald Trump ignoring CNN from asking question.

Donald Trump: Your organization is terrible.

CNN reporter: You are attacking our news organization. Can you give us a chance to ask a question, sir?

Donald Trump: [to other reporter] Go ahead.

CNN reporter: Sir, can you give us a question?

Donald Trump: Don’t be– No, I’m not gonna give you a question. I’m not gonna give you a question. You are fake news.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: I know I’m not supposed to like that guy, but damn that was funny. The president-elect just called CNN fake news live on CNN. And the only thing CNN could do back was say, “Sir? Sir? Sir?” It was like the dude from ‘Blues Brotheres.’ “Sir?”

Trump hasn’t even been sworn in yet and he’s already made enemies of the CIA, the FBI, and the national media. That’s ballsy. You still got to be president, dude. You need these people. You can’t just walk into a restaurant and insult the waiter, the chef and then say, “I would like to order a good clam chowder.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Stever Harvey]

Family Feud host Steve Harvey met with Donald Trump on Friday to discuss Harvey’s possible involvement with housing and urban development.  Ah! I would give anything just to listen to what those meetings are gonna like. [mocking Steve Harvey] “We asked a hundred black folks, name five things wrong with the projects. Show them roaches.” Dude, you’re a real estate tycoon. You couldn’t think of anybody more qualified for housing and development than Steve Harvey? It feels like every decision that Donald Trump makes starts with the sentence, “Yo, you know what would be hilarious?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of US Capitol at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, republicans began the process of repealing Obamacare even though they have no plan ready to replace it. How do republicans not have a plan ready? They’ve been waiting for this moment for six years. It’s like if at end of the movie Rudy, if the coach finally pointed at Rudy to go into the game and Rudy was sitting there blackout drunk in his underwear, and then he like, tried to run on the field and tripped and broke his neck, and he can’t get health care because that’s a preexisting condition.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeff Beaurgard Session at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alabama senator Jeff Beaurgard Sessions… every time I say his name, I feel like I’m wearing some spindles. Anyway, Sessions testified before congress as part of his nomination process for attorney general. The whole hearing was just the committee trying to get Sessions to admit he’s a racist which is ridiculous because even if he is a racist, he’s never going to say it. I mean, [Picture changes to Kramer] even Kramer walked offstage like, “They were weird tonight, right?” If you want to know if Jeff Sessions is a racist, I don’t know, you gotta get his cleaning lady drunk or something and ask her. The only person I ever heard actually say that they were a racist was me. Twice. Once on this show and once to get out of Jury Duty.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama putting a medal on Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In an emotional ceremony, president Obama awarded Joe Biden the presidential medal of freedom and thanked him for his decades of service to the country. Biden was overwhelmed and also embarrassed because the thank you gift he got for Obama was just a homemade coupon for back rub.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Ha-ha-ha. That’s adorable.

Weekend Update Beck Bennett the Singer

Colin Jost

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, we have a lot of pop stars perform here on SNL. But it turns out– [laughing] That’s the weirdest transition. Just a piggyback on the Chicago stuff. We have a lot of pop stars perform on SNL. Well it turns out, we might have an emerging pop star right here in our cast. Here to explain is Beck Bennett.

[Beck Bennett slides in.]

Beck Bennett: Hey, Colin. Hey audience. I love you so much. Thank you. Thank you.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Back, great hair, by the way.

Beck Bennett: Oh, yeah, this? I guess it’s just kind of how it naturally falls. It’s just being me.

Colin Jost: Yeah, doesn’t seem like it. Beck, what is going on with your music career?

[cut to Colin Jost]

Beck Bennett: Um, well, in a word Colin, it’s exploding.

Colin Jost: Wow.

Beck Bennett: People don’t know this but music’s always been a huge part of my life. And I’ve always like, listened to the radio. And I love songs.

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Great. So, you’re like a classically trained singer? Or–

Beck Bennett: Um, I’m not classically trained per say. I just do original chart topping music that people fall in love with.

Colin Jost: Okay, great. So, do you wanna maybe try out one of your songs right now?

Beck Bennett: Um, okay. [Cut to Beck Bennett]

[singing] Everybody’s on the prowl
everybody’s gotta get that something, something
money, money, money, money, money
Yeah!

Thank you.

[audience cheering]

Colin Jost: [to audience] No, don’t. Don’t.

Beck Bennett: That song was about the economy and money.

Colin Jost: Yes. You said money like 10 times.

Beck Bennett: I have another one.

Colin Jost: Oh, great. I was gonna say thanks for coming. But sure, yeah, that’s great. If you got another one, let’s–

Beck Bennett: Okay. Um, just fair warning. It’s really tender.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

[singing] Honestly we’re here before
and honestly I’ve seen you there
and honestly we’ve been down this road

[audience cheering]

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. I’m sorry. That was the whole song?

Beck Bennett: Oh, yeah. I do little songs, Colin. [Cut to Beck Bennett] A lot of singers with do eight to 10 songs in an album. Not me. I’ll do anywhere from 300 to 600 songs. Yeah, I am an absolute machine.

Colin Jost: Yeah, that’s too many songs.

Beck Bennett: I’m always producing.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No, maybe slow it down. Now, why don’t you just maybe do one more song. A little song.

Beck Bennett: Sure, yeah. [Cut to Beck Bennett]

[singing] The pin goes in, the pin goes out
I’m trying to make a blanket
the pin goes in the pin goes out
I’m sewing something new

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright. Yeah. That could be good.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: [singing] Maybe it’s a hat or gloves
maybe it’s a brand-new coat
maybe it’s a little stuffed animal

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Colin Jost]

[audience cheering]

Yeah, that song ended up being about stuffed animal.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Wow, thanks man.

Beck Bennett: Yeah. It’s really–

Colin Jost: Thanks for walking us through that. Now look, Beck, there’s no easy way for me to say this.\

Beck Bennett: Uh-huh, great.

Colin Jost: Obviously I don’t want to hurt your feelings.

Beck Bennett: Good news alert. Ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: I just think that maybe after listening to your music–

Beck Bennett: [interrupting] I should quit comedy and do music full time? Great! Coz I already did it.

[singing] Everybody is on the prowl
money, money, money, money, money

Colin Jost: Beck Bennet, everyone. Musician.

Beck Bennett: Use my songs in Marvel movies, please.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.