Category: 2019

Weekend Update: Travel Expert Carrie Krum on Spring Break – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Michael Che

Carrie Krum… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Spring break is around the corner, which means families across the country are heading out on vacation. Here with her insider tips is seventh grade travel expert, Carrie Krum.

[Cheers and applause]

[Carrie Krum joins Michael Che]

Carrie Krum: My god.

Michael Che: Hi Carrie. So, how is your trip to New York?

Carrie Krum: I love it. I saw a cop on a horse yell at a bus.

Michael Che: Cool. So where should people head for spring break?

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie Krum: Oh well, spring break means fun, sun and music on the beach, so you got to head to Boise, Idaho. It checks every box. Grammy, my step grandpa, a.k.a Peepo. And their cat that’s so old it has an IV hanging from the chandelier. Not to mention their neighbor has a daughter who is my age. She put eyeshadow on me, Michael. [Cut to Carrie and Michael] And, Michael? [Carrie is excited] Michael?

Michael Che: Yes.

Carrie Krum: When the pizza guys saw me, he asked if we were having a party.

Michael Che: Okay, that sounds like what your family did in Boise. Any ideas for what other people can do?

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie Krum: Oh, well, yeah. An absolute must see is my Grammy’s Cul-De-Sac. It is primo roller blade country. But travelers, please, learn from my mistake and do not roller blade in gravel, okay? I fell and scraped my chin, and my brother said it looked like I had a blood goatee. And at the time, I was mad, but now I got to give it up for the blood goatee. [Cut to Carrie and Michael] It’s good.

Michael Che: Okay. Well, for spring break a lot of people like to go to the beach. Do you have any beach recommendations?

Carrie Krum: Yeah, I do. [Cut to Carrie] Oh, sure. Say Aloha to the beaches of western Pennsylvania. I’m talking lake Erie. Go ankle deep in this ice cold water that stinks. And, Michael, [Cut to Carrie and Michael] did you know that flies can be on the beach?

Michael Che: No, that’s – that’s cool.

Carrie Krum: Yeah, it is. [Cut to Carrie] And also, we had to stop in Pittsburgh on the way to see my dad’s side of the family. And my brother had to wear a yarmulke to dinner. And, Michael? [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Michael?

Michael Che: Yeah?

Carrie Krum: It looked like half of a bra. Oh god!

Michael Che: Well, at least it sounds like you have fun wherever you go.

Carrie Krum: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But trips aren’t always easy. You know? [Cut to Carrie] One time in the car I told my family that I loved my mom more than my dad. And everyone got really quiet. But that’s life on the road, Michael.

[Cut to Carrie and Michael]

Michael Che: It absolutely is.

Carrie Krum: Oh, and Michael? Michael?

Michael Che: Yeah?

Carrie Krum: Safety. [Carrie Krum farts]

Michael Che: Oh, no. Carrie Krum, everybody.

Carrie Krum: Sorry. Emma Stone gave me a bunch of corn dogs.

Michael Che: It’s okay. It’s okay.

Royal Baby Video – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Prince Harry… Mikey Day

Prince Charles… Beck Bennett

Prince William… Alex Moffat

Kate Middleton… Cecily Strong

21 Savage… Chris Redd

James Corden… Aidy Bryant

Tinsley Granger… Emma Stone

Ringo Starr… Pete Davidson

Charlie… Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Queen Elizabeth… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of The Duke and Duchess’ Estate]

[Cut to Prince Harry vlogging in a his baby shower]

Prince Harry: What’s up? It’s your boy Prince Harry, a.k.a. the Ginger of Windsor, a.k.a. Redhead Redemption 2. I am making this video for you, my future child, to watch when you’re older. We’re going to do a private birth for you, keeping it low-key. But we are having a big baby shower, and I wanted you to come out and see all the people who came to celebrate you. So come on, let’s take a lap. Come on. [Prince Harry walks to his dad Prince Charles] Oh, here we go. Come on. Your grandpa, Prince Charles, right? Say hello, Dad.

Prince Charles: Hello.

Prince Harry: Do you want to say anything to your future grandchild?

Prince Charles: Yes, hello.

Prince Harry: All right. Well said, dad. The people’s prince. [Prince Harry walks away] All right. Who else have we got? Oh, no, there’s James Corden. He’s been at a ten since he got here. [James Corden is dancing and singing] Yeah, yeah. Don’t let him see the camera. He’ll be on us all night, all right? We’re going to meet my brother, your uncle William. Now, I told him it was an ‘80s costume party. He bought it. Ladies and gentlemen, Freddie Mercury. [Prince William is dressed up like Freddie Mercury] Freddie Mercury. You did it. You brought a mic stand.

Prince William: Yes. Don’t I look a pratt. Good evening, my brother. What a fool?

Prince Harry: Oh, he’s mad. Luckily anger is like your hair. Easy come—easy go.

Prince William: Bravo.

Prince Harry: So you brought a gift there.

Prince William: I did, yes. [Prince William shows a baby clothes] A hilarious onesie.  “Keep calm and change my nappy.”

[Kate Middleton joins them]

Kate Middleton: All right. William, darling, tell him about the other gift.

Prince William: Oh, right. Also we bought the baby a house.

Prince Harry: Oh, you shouldn’t have.

Prince William: I’ll go get the keys. He’s going to love it. It’s huge.

[Prince William leaves]

Prince Harry: Here she is, your aunt Kate Middleton. The papers keep saying she’s feuding with your mum, but that’s not true.

Kate Middleton: No, we’re not feuding. Why? Why would we? Because I follow all the strict rules and she doesn’t, and people love her for it? I love that. Excuse me.

[Kate Middleton leaves]

Prince Harry: All right. Look who it is fresh off being deported from the US, [Prince Harry runs into 21 Savage] 21 Savage. How different is England from Atlanta, mate?

21 Savage: A lot.

Prince Harry: All right. Still pretty cool though, right?

21 Savage: Nah.

[21 Savage leaves]

Prince Harry: All right. It will grow on you, mate. Oh, James Corden, James Corden. Duck, duck.

[Prince Harry and camera man are hiding. James Corden is looking for them.]

James Corden: Oh, I saw a camera somewhere.

Prince Harry: Picked up the scent. [James Corden is gone] All right. Come on, come on. All right. Look who it is. [Prince Harry runs into Tinsley Granger. She is having champagne. She is a bit drunk] It’s one of my ex-girlfriends, excellent. Ms. Tinsley Granger Gash. Hi Tins. You want to say something to my future child?

Tinsley Granger: Oh! [Tinsley Granger speaks very close to the camera] Hello, little baby. Hello lonely tiny baby.

Prince Harry: A little close, Tins. [Prince Harry pulls Tinsley backwards]

Tinsley Granger: Your dad broke up with me on Whatsapp.

Prince Harry: Okay. So how have you been, Tins?

Tinsley Granger: Splendid, Harry. Splendid. I’m so busy and happy. I’m glad we didn’t make it, Harry. I don’t want to be a duchess and live in a huge house for free. Hi, little baby.

Prince Harry: Maybe ease off the champagne a little bit there.

Tinsley Granger: Kiss me on the mouth, Harry. I’m joking. Do it, though. I’m joking. I’m dating someone anyway. He was in ‘Harry Potter’.

Prince Harry: Oh, who did he play?

Tinsley Granger: Hagrid.

Prince Harry: I’m sorry, what?

Tinsley Granger: [In loud voice] Hagrid.

Prince Harry: Oh, Hagrid, awesome. He’s great. All right, fantastic. Better be off. Thank you Tins.

Tinsley Granger: Bye little baby.

[Prince Harry walks away from Tinsley Granger]

Prince Harry: Stop talking to my future child. Beatle alert, Ringo Starr.

[Ringo Starr passes by the camera]

Ringo Starr: Peace and love.

Prince Harry: All right. I kind of wish it was Paul, but anyway, let’s keep moving. Looking for James Corden. Do not see him, so come on.

[Prince Harry runs into Charlie]

Charlie: Hey, hey, hey, Harry, my man. How is it going? Nice to finally meet you. I’m Charlie. I’m a friend of Meghan’s mom.

Prince Harry: All right. Hey, anything to say to my future child?

Charlie: Oh, sure, sure. How is it going there? There’s a chance that you’re going to come out with usual mama’s skin on the bottom and your daddy’s bright red hair on the top. Yeah, that’s right. You might be black ginger. That’s right. And that’s amazing. You’re going to be like a unicorn. It’s going to be you and Blake Griffin. All right. Stay in school and study hard. Actually, that won’t matter for you. You’re rich and famous. You already hit the lottery. All right. I’ll see you later, kid. Charlie out.

[Charlie leaves]

Prince Harry: All right, that was fun. Let’s go look at your gifts. [Prince Harry opens the door and goes inside the room full of gifts] Look at all these gifts. We’re going to donate most of these. [Prince Harry runs into Ego Nwodim] Oh, I’m sorry.

Ego Nwodim: Sorry. I’m Meghan’s cousin. I needed a breather. It’s real British in there. There was a guy wearing a tux eating a sandwich that was just mayonnaise. That’s maximum British.

Prince Harry: It is, yeah.

Ego Nwodim: Anyway, I’ll get out of here.

[Ego Nwodim leaves]

Prince Harry: Yeah, it’s fine. It’s fine. Sorry. All right. We’re going to donate –

[Sound coming from the pile of gifts]

Queen Elizabeth: Help me.

Prince Harry: Oh, someone’s trapped under the gifts. [Prince Harry finds Queen Elizabeth on the floor] Oh, my god, it’s grandma. Grandma, you’re on the floor. What’s going on?

[Prince Charles comes in]

Prince Charles: What happened? Am I king?

Prince Harry: No. Dad, she’s fine.

Prince Charles: Oh, well, good. [Prince Charles leaves]

Prince Harry: Grandma, what happened?

Queen Elizabeth: I was snooping trying to see what the Clooneys got you when an avalanche of boxes hit me.

Prince Harry: Be careful. You want to say hello to your future grandchild?

Queen Elizabeth: Well, hello. Welcome to the family. I already love you with all my heart.

Prince Harry: Oh, grandma.

Queen Elizabeth: Even though you’re half American, which means you’re half traitor.

[Queen Elizabeth leaves]

Prince Harry: All right. Thank you, gran. All right. Last stop, [Prince Harry walks to another door] your mom was taking a little nap in here. So let’s see if she’s awake. She’s absolutely gorgeous. Let’s go see your mom, come on. [ Prince Harry opens the door] Meghan love, are you—[James Corden shows up inside the door]

James Corden: Ha-ha.

Prince Harry: Oh no. James Corden

James Corden: I knew it.

Prince Harry:James Corden. Cut it! Cut it!

[The video cuts]

Weekend Update: Julian Assange Arrested – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Julian Assange at the left top corner] Wikileaks founder and reason I put take over my computer camera, Julian Assange, was arrested at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London and dude did not go quietly.

[Cut to video clips of Julian Assange getting arrested]

Julian Assange: The UK has no civility. They must resist.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That is not how you’re typically removed from an Embassy. That’s how you’re removed from the F Train. It was so satisfying to see and internet troll get dragged out into the sunlight. Like you can be lord of darkness on the internet, but when seven cops have you pinned to the sidewalk, you can’t be like, I summon the power of emails. Then when asked about Assange’s arrest, President Trump said this.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s interview]

Donald trump: I know nothing about wikileaks. It’s not my thing. I know there is something having to do with Julian Assange. I know nothing really about him. It’s not my—It’s not my deal in life.

[Cut to Colin Jost. The picture is now of Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: What is your deal in life? I’m just genuinely curious since you brought it up. Also you cannot say that wikileaks is not your deal because at some point it was like your whole deal.

[Cut to different video clips of Donald Trump’s speeches]

Donald Trump: This wikileaks ins unbelievable. Boy, I love reading those wikileaks. This wikileaks is fascinating. It’s been amazing what’s coming out in wikileaks. I love wikileaks.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You’re more obsessed with wikileaks than this audience with [The picture changes to BTS] BTS.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner]

Michael Che: President Trump is considering releasing detained immigrants into sanctuary cities to send a message to democrats. What’s the message? Have some more voters? Yeah, man, that will show them. I don’t know how they’re going to handle a bunch of immigrants in a city like New York. You can’t scare us with more immigrants. That just means faster ubers and more elmos. Or maybe he should send immigrants to [Picture changes to New York city] New York. I know a huge building on fifth avenue where nobody wants to live anymore. [Picture changes to Trump Tower]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of US flag at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Just one day after Kristjen Nielsen resigned as head of Homeland Security, the White House says the Director of the Secret Service is leaving as well. So right now we have no secretary of Homeland Security, no Secretary of Defense, no Head of I.C.E., No head of the Secret Service, and no U.N. Ambassador. At this point our nation’s security is just one of those [Picture changes ring doorbell camera] ring doorbell cameras.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Stephen Miller at right top corner]

Michael Che: Trump adviser Stephen Miller also wants to hold migrants seeking asylum in tent cities. Fun fact, tent city is also what Stephen Miller gets anytime a girl talks to him.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of calendar marked at 15 at left top corner]

Colin Jost: And this Monday is tax day. So, if you haven’t paid any taxes yet, you’re amazon.

Ladies Room – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Emma Stone

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with people dancing in a room. The music is playing.]

Ego Nwodim: Oh-oh.

Cecily Strong: I had to leave my one bedroom, two bath rental to come to this?

Leslie Jones: Sorry, girl, but you had to get here.

Emma Stone: Yeah, girl. These women have their hands all over your man.

Cecily Strong: Ooh, I cannot hear this today. This makes me much, much, crazy insane. And girlfriend, you know I’m already most of the way there.

Emma Stone: Yeah, girl. Didn’t your psychiatrist say he wouldn’t take your money anymore?

Cecily Strong: Listen girls, I’m not going to stoop to the level of a J-A-W. Jackass woman. Because things might get crazilus.

Leslie Jones: Crazilus? Did you mean to say that?

Cecily Strong: No. Let’s go somewhere where we can talk in private.

[Cecily, Emma and Leslie start dancing and moving]

Everybody: I’m gonna meet you in the ladies room

Emma Stone: You do not need this.

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon

Emma Stone: He owes you everything.

Everybody: I’m gonna meet you in the ladies room

Emma Stone: He was gay before he met you.

Everybody: We’ll be back pretty soon

Emma Stone: He has his green card because of you.

[A band comes in the room]

Everybody: Oh, oh, oh, oh

Emma Stone: It’s your brother and his electric dancing chair.

Everybody: I don’t know but I think there’s something up with your man
Something up with your man
cause he’s out there bragging that he just bought a purple Trans-Am.
That’s his mama’s car.

I’m going to meet you in the ladies room.

Cecily Strong: These women just keep pushing me.

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon

Emma Stone: But you’re mad at him too, right?

Everybody: I’m going to meet you in the ladies room

Cecily Strong: No, just those nasty, nasty women

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon.

Leslie Jones: I think your anger is misplaced

Everybody: I’m gonna meet you in the ladies room

We’ll be back real soon.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Hey! Hey! [Music stops] What the hell is going on in here?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck Bennett: We’re all dancing in the ladies room.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Shut up.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Her man has been giving her headaches, so we’re discussing it in the ladies room.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily Strong: But I’m not mad at him. Just those CHWs, those chicken-headed women.

[Cut to the women]

Ego Nwodim: So get out of here, sir. This is a ladies restroom.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: This is not a restroom.

[Cut to the women]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yes, it is. It’s the ladies room at club Vortex.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: No, it is not. This is a fitting room at Limited Express.

[Cut to the women]

Emma Stone: Then why did I go to the bathroom in there?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Why did you what? [Kenan runs to the door and looks in there] Oh, my – this is a mess all over this room. Didn’t you see there wasn’t no toilet in there? Huh? This is a fitting room. There is so much mess. How many of y’all went?

[Cut to the women. They all raise their hands.]

Leslie Jones: I went five times because I drank two boxes of wine.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: What is wrong with you people? This is Limited Express. Why don’t you know that?

[Cut to the women]

Cecily Strong: Since when it is a Limited Express and not club Vortex anymore?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Since Christmas. It was in the paper. They got shut down for serving tainted burger meat.

[Cut to the women]

Emma Stone: Who keeps up with all that?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: There wasn’t no toilet in the room.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck Bennett: I wondered why I was going in front of a three-way mirror. What kind of ladies room is that?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Again, this is not a ladies room. And what is your deal anyway, man? You’re not even a lady.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck Bennett: No. I’m eye candy. Plus this is my chair that I own.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Get out before I call the police. Man, I got to clean this whole thing up before 6 AM.

[Cut to everybody] [Music starts playing, everyone is leaving while dancing]

Everybody: We’re gonna meet you in the ladies room.

Kenan Thompson: You are kidding me. Every single stall?

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon.

Kenan Thompson: No, you won’t. You are banned.

Leslie Jones: I have to pee before I leave.

Chalmers Reserve Event Wine – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Fred Chalmers… Kenan Thompson

Leezan Chalmers… Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Emma Stone

[Starts with an intro video]

[Cut to Fred and Leezan in their set. They have wine bottle in front of them, and wine glasses in their hands.]

Fred Chalmers: Hi, I’m Fred Chalmers.

Leezan Chalmers: And I’m Leezan Chalmers. You may recognize us from our reality show ‘The Nastiest Summer Renters In Sag Harbor’.

Fred Chalmers: It’s the show that won spectrum cable’s award for unhappiest group.

Leezan Chalmers: It’s been canceled already.

Fred Chalmers: Unlike our brand new wine, Chalmer’s reserve event wine. An affordable wine that, unlike our show, won’t receive any complaints.

Leezan Chalmers: Because  Chalmer’s reserve is 72% golden grain alcohol.

Fred Chalmers: After the first sip, guests will be like, “This can’t be right. I must have misstated this.”

Leezan Chalmers: By the second sip, they won’t know a great wine from leftover hotdog water.

Fred Chalmers: They’ll be more concerned about, “How did I get in the pool?” Or, “Why am I being chased in this wig?”

Leezan Chalmers: And, hey, it may even usher in your first lesbian experience.

Fred Chalmers: That goes for the men as well.

Leezan Chalmers: Let out winemakers tell you how we’re able to make such a wonderful wine for under $1 a bottle.

[Kyle and Emma join them]

Kyle Mooney: The process is what we call [Cut to Kyle and Emma] “Vino Kativo Sapore”.

[Kyle and Emma are speaking in horrible Italian accent]

Emma Stone: This means the wine is made from the grapes that didn’t make the cut for the better wine.

Kyle Mooney: The ones that I got to pull off the conveyor belt because they were flat on one side or had a mole on the top.

Emma Stone: We also use the twigs and the trash that were sorted away from the premium grapes.

Kyle Mooney: And of course the distilled yellow corn.

Emma Stone: It’s the corn that covers up the taste of the grape.

Kyle Mooney: Because the grape, it’s no good.

[Cut to Fred and Leezan]

Leezan Chalmers: Thank you.

Fred Chalmers: Go back to the motel now.

[Cut to Kyle and Emma]

Emma Stone: I ask them, “Is this like a wine for dogs or something?” They laugh, and they say, “Ha-ha, kinda.”

[Cut to Fred and Leezan]

Fred Chalmers: You’re overwhelming them with the details.

Leezan Chalmers: It was fun learning about the process from you to, so bye.

[Cut to Kyle and Emma]

Emma Stone: Also, this is the only wine you got to put in a tooth guard before you drink it because it stains your teeth, and it don’t ever come out.

Kyle Mooney: Because we’ve got to use the dye. The grapes for this wine aren’t even red.

Emma Stone: Before color, the wine is brown.

Kyle Mooney: That is why we think it is for the dog because it smells like the chicken bone too.

[Cut to Fred and Leezan]

Fred Chalmers: Hey, man, don’t be giving away our secrets.

Leezan Chalmers: I think we all understand how the wine is made now. Please go.

[Cut to Kyle and Emma]

Emma Stone: We are not proud of this wine.

Kyle Mooney: We go to hell maybe for making this wine.

Emma Stone: We’re not even Italian.

Kyle Mooney: We sign a contract say we got to talk like this for a year.

Emma Stone: And our Italian accents are no good.

[Cut to everybody]

Leezan Chalmers: Please leave. You’re done.

Emma Stone: You still owe us a half.

Leezan Chalmers: Keep checking your mailbox, dummy!

Fred Chalmers: Yes, you two can take your whole world Charmin and get on the loser train.

Emma Stone: You haven’t heard the last of us.

[Kyle and Emma leave]

Leezan Chalmers: Whoa, baby, you told their Italian asses off.

Fred Chalmers: Damn right.

[Fred takes a sip of wine]

Leezan Chalmers: Fred, good lord, no! [Fred spits it out behind Leezan. Something burns from the wine so there is fire behind Leezan.] I think my hair is on fire.

[Emm and Kyle join them again]

Emma Stone: Your chickens have come home to roost.

Leezan Chalmers: Get out of here Italian bitch!

Kyle Mooney: What about me?

Fred Chalmers: You are beautiful woman, and so am I. [Fred starts to touch Kyle]

Leezan Chalmers: Oh, god! He’s already there. It just touched his tongue.

[Cut to video bumper]

Narrator: Chalmers reserve event wine. Mmm-mmm.

The Actress – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Emma Stone

Director … Beck Bennett

[Starts with Emma driving to her work]

Narration: I’ve been trying to make it as an actress for years, but I was sick of doing commercials of playing one dimensional women with vacant lives. Then one day, life came knocking. This time with the challenge.

[Cut to shooting set]

Emma Stone: Excuse me. Hello. I’m grace. Are you the director of the film?

[Cut to the director]

Director: What?

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I’m the lead actress. I play the woman who gets cheated on the gay porn.

[Cut to the director]

Director: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I wanted to ask you about my line if you have a moment. I open the door, and I say, “Jared, what are you doing? Not with my god son.” Like that?

[Cut to a young boy working out behind the director]

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Is that my god son?

[Cut to the director]

Director: Yeah.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Fascinating.

[Cut to the director]

Director: You’ll put on whatever you want from the woman thing. You’ll get your mean voucher after we wrap.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Oh, thank you. [Emma goes to change] Oh, Lube.

Narration: [Emma goes through the woman’s stuff] The director’s method was guidance regarding the character. All I had were clues, pieces, a puzzle of the woman’s life. Two pairs of loose sweat pants, a single ugg boot, a couple of batteries and some happy 2017 glasses. Who are you, Deirdre? That’s the name I gave her. [Cut to the director talking to other actors] The first scene was rough.

Director: Action!

[Emma walks in]

Narration: I was having trouble finding her.

Emma Stone: I’m going to the mall. Perhaps I’ll get some flowers to brighten up the place. The house could use some color, no? If you need me, you can reach me on my cell phone.

[Cut to the director]

Director: Cut. Just say what’s in the script.

[Cut to Emma and the director]

Emma Stone: I was just trying to act as Deirdre.

Director: There’s nothing to her. People are just going to scroll past you so they can get off. She has no past, no future. She exists only to be cheated on. Say what’s on the script.

Emma Stone: Thank you.

Director: Action!

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Jared, I’m getting my nails at the mall. Now teach my godson push-ups right before our wedding, Jared.

Director: Cut. That’s great. [Cut to the director] Nice and flat. On the real stuff . If you don’t want to watch, you can sit on a folding chair just outside. I’ll call you when it’s time for you to catch them in the act.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: When they betray me.

[Cut to Emma sitting at the side of the swimming pool practicing her lines]

Narration: I was riddled.

Emma Stone: Jared, how could you?

Narration: I didn’t know if I would find Deirdre in time.

Emma Stone: Not with my god son. Jared, Jared.

Director: Wife, we’re ready for you.

Narration: And then just when I thought she’d never come to me.

[Emma goes to the set]

Director: Action.

[Cut to Emma]

Narration: She did.

Emma Stone: Jared, what are you doing? Not with my god son.

[Cut to Emma’s depiction of her character’s past]

Narration: I saw the rich and beautiful back story of this woman. Her childhood, her first job. The night she met Jared.

Crowd: Three, two, one, happy new year!

[Cut to Jared and Deirdre]

Narration: The promises she was told.

Jared: I will love you, a woman, forever.

Narration: Her god son’s 18th birthday.

[Cut to Deirdre and her god son]

Deirdre: I know how much you like batteries.

Narration: And all another times she was blindsided by life.

Deirdre: Jared, someone broke in and stole my left ugg boot. Jared, you have a second cell phone? Jared, why is my god son sleeping over?

Narration: I felt the bruises and scars from the past. I saw what led her here.

[Cut to Deirdre talking to her god son]

Deirdre: You would never hurt me.

Narration: And I saw her in the present walking in on the love of her life with her god son. [Cut to Emma on her shooting set] And then Deirdre took over and said –

Emma Stone: Jared, I forgive you.

Director: Cut. [Cut to the director] We’ll edit that out. Just give her the meal voucher.

[Cut to Emma getting in her car]

Emma Stone: Deirdre, how do I get you out of me? I can’t take you with me. I’m sorry. This is it. Good bye. [Emma puts her hands on steering wheel] Oh, how did I get lube on me?

Emma Stone Four-Timers Monologue – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Emma Stone

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Band is playing music]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, Emma Stone. [Cheers and applause]

[Emma comes in from the door and walks to the stage]

[Cheers and applause]

Emma Stone: Thank you, thank you very much. I am so thrilled to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. And before we get started, I just wanted to test the sound levels. So, BTS is here! [Cheers and applause] Okay. Are the microphones okay? Everyone’s okay? Okay, good. Okay, good. We’re good to go. Great. SNL has always been such a huge part of my family’s life. My grandpa Donald and my grandma Nene introduced it to my mom and her siblings. And then my mom introduced it to me and we especially loved Gilda Radner, who made us laugh nonstop. And it became a huge dream to even be anywhere near this place and tonight is my fourth time hosting. [Cheers and applause] And my mom and Nene are both here to see it. So, my real family is meeting my SNL family. It’s a really special night. And I know the fifth time is the big one where they pull out all the stops and they induct you into the five-timers club. I have seen some of the cast walking around the whispering like they’re kind of—I don’t know, planning something for my fourth show. I don’t know. I might be wrong. I might be wrong. But I they did, I just hope they don’t go too overboard, you know? Oh, Kenan. Hey, Kate. Get over here.

[Kenan and Kate join Emma on stage]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, what’s up? How’s it going?

Emma Stone: Are you guys planning something for me?

Kate McKinnon: Such as?

Emma Stone: Guys, just please promise me you’re not going to sing some special song that you wrote just for me for my fourth show.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, we promise.

Kate McKinnon: Hard promise.

Emma Stone: Because, even though I know you play guitar.

Kate McKinnon: Kind of.

[Emma passes a guitar to Kate]

Emma Stone: Like this one for instance, it’s okay if you didn’t write a song for me. Like that was silly for me to even think something like that. That was silly.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, no. We could—we’ll do – we have a special song.

Kenan Thompson: Yes. Yes, we do. We wrote it and here it is.

Emma Stone: Oh, my god. I asked you not to do this. What?

Kenan Thompson: Oh, nice.

Kate McKinnon: I remember

Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon: When she used to host
And now she’s hosting
Oh, Emma, she hosts
Oh, Emma, she hosts

Kenan Thompson: There you go. Thank you very much.

Emma Stone: That was so sweet. An original song just for me. Thank you. Thank you. But you swear you didn’t get me any like thoughtful presents or anything, right?

[Aidy Bryant joins the stage]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, yes. Yes. It’s actually – it’s – [Cut to Emma and Aidy] yeah. It’s time for the gifts that of course we have planned for you. So, I got you this beautiful silver bracelet.

Emma Stone: Oh, Aidy, I love it. You had it engraved. That’s so sweet. Penicillin allergy. That’s so cool. [Cut to everybody] You guys are amazing. That’s amazing. But don’t have any like special guests here to surprise me or something, do you?

Aidy Bryant: Yes. Yes. We –

Emma Stone: What? We definitely do.

Kenan Thompson: Yes, but you know what? They are very shy.

Kate McKinnon: So you’ll need a blindfold.

Emma Stone: Okay.

[Emma puts on a blindfold]

[Kenan bring Melissa to the stage]

Kenan Thompson: Yes, we found someone very cool, folks, who just happened to be in town. This is Owen Wilson.

Melissa Villaseñor: [Mimicking Owen Wilson] Hey, Emma, wow, way to go.

Emma Stone: That’s cool. Hey, Owen.

Kenan Thompson: And this is Ash from pokemon.

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey, it’s Ash Ketchum. You’re my favorite pokemon.

Emma Stone: That’s a cartoon.

Kenan Thompson: But we saved the best for last. Oprah.

Melissa Villaseñor: I don’t have an Oprah. You do it.

[Kyle Mooney joins the stage]

Kyle Mooney: [Trying to mimic Oprah] Wow, so many cars born in Chicago.

Emma Stone: Wait. Is this Kyle? [Emma opens her blindfold] Oh, my god. You guys got Kyle? This is officially the best night of my life.

[Chris comes to the stage with a denim jacket with 4 written on it with a marker]

Chris Redd: Don’t forget the four timer jacket.

Emma Stone: Oh, my god. Wow. Thanks guys. Oh, my god. We got a great show. BTS is here. Kyle is here. [Cheers and applause] So, stick around. We’ll be right back. You got Kyle?

 

Jail Cell Cold Open – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Prison Guard … Alex Moffat

Chris Redd

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Aunt Becky …Kate McKinnon

Brother Wallace

Michael Avenatti … Pete Davidson

Julian Assange …Michael Keaton

Tekashi 69 … Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with intro]

Narrator: Brought to you by MSNBC. Now that the Mueller report turned out to be a big fat zero. Right now it’s Lock Up, Chino correctional facility.

[Cut to prison guard and Chris. Prison guard is locking Chris in jail.]

Prison Guard: Good luck in there. And, hey, have fun.

Chris Redd: Yeah, thanks. [Chris walks in the jail] I really appreciate that.

[Cut to Chris, Kenan and Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: What are you in here for?

Chris Redd: Little robbery. Ain’t going to stick though. How about you, little man?

Kyle Mooney: What the hell did you just say? [Kyle stands with rage]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, both of you all sit down.

Kyle Mooney: I’m in here for assault, bitch. You want a reenactment.

Kenan Thompson: Hey! Hey!

Chris Redd: What about you, old man?

Kenan Thompson: Old man? Son, I’m the craziest dude in here. Stabbed my neighborhood to death and then ate his fingers so they couldn’t ID the body.

Chris Redd: Damn, that’s insane.

[Aunt Becky walks in]

Aunt Becky: Oh, yeah? You think that’s insane? I paid 500 grand to get my daughter into USC.

Chris Redd: Wait, what?

Aunt Becky: You heard me. [Cut to Aunt Becky, Chris and Kenan] I paid 500 grand to a women’s crew coach to say my daughter was good at rowing. I’m loco.

Kenan Thompson: Hold up. You paid 500 grand for USC?

Aunt Becky: Oh, yeah. And that’s not including the 300 grand I blew on tuition.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, my god. What did your daughter major in?

Aunt Becky: Communications. Yeah. And you know what her job is now? She’s an influencer on Instagram.

Kenan Thompson: Stop it. I can’t hear anymore. Guards, get her away from me!

Aunt Becky: Hey, I own the guards in here. I helped their kids get into a really competitive pre-k.

Chris Redd: Wait a second. Are you Aunt Becky?

[Aunt Becky takes a pencil out and points it towards Chris to stab him]

Aunt Becky: Say that again?

Chris Redd: All right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Is it Lori? Do I call you Lori?

Aunt Becky: No, no. I have a new name now.

Brother Wallace: Brother Becky.

[Cut to Aunt Becky and Brother Wallace]

Aunt Becky: Yes, Brother Wallace.

Brother Wallace: You forgot your Kufi?

Aunt Becky: I did? Well, to quote Stephanie Tanner, “How rude!”

[Cut to everybody. Brother Wallace leaves.]

Chris Redd: Wait. So you’re in the nation of Islam now?

Aunt Becky: That’s right. [Aunt Becky sits beside Chris] I bought my way in for 100 grand. Plus another 100 for them to stop calling me the White Devil.

Kenan Thompson: Man, [Cut to Kenan and Kyle] you won’t survive in here more than a week?

[Cut to Aunt Becky and Chris]

Aunt Becky:  Oh, really? You think prison is hard. I have done 68 hallmark movies, I have seen hell man! And in half of those hallmark movies I marry Santa’s son, so I have lost all sense of reality. I’m going to take your heart and I’m going to cut it out.

[Cut to everybody]

Chris Redd: Damn, yo, I think being on a sitcom for 12 years drove her crazy.

[Michael comes in.]

Michael Avenatti: Did somebody say crazy?

Chris Redd: Michael Avenatti?

Michael Avenatti: Oh, you’re damn right, baby.

Chris Redd: Wait. [Cut to Chris and Kenan] How do you know this fool?

Kenan Thompson: Well, I watch a lot of Morning Joe. I’m team Mika.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle Mooney: You’re a lawyer. What are you in here for? Speeding tickets?

Michael Avenatti: Speeding tickets? Bitch, I’m accused of crimes you can’t even conceive of, [Cut to Michael] like blackmailing a sneaker company and stealing taxes from a coffee shop to fund a race car team. [Cut to everybody] And I’m so shady that a porn star once said that she needed to distance herself from me. [Cut to Michael] And you know what the worst part is? I might still run for president. Avenatti/Baldwin 2020.

[Cut to everybody]

Aunt Becky: Okay, he wins. He’s the craziest.

[Cut to Julian]

Julian Assange: Is he, though?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris Redd: Yo, is that Julian Assange?

Julian Assange: Yeah.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, that makes sense. I was going to say Santa’s back on crack.

Julian Assange: That’s right. It’s me. I’m the architect of anarchy. I’m the king of chaos. I’m the scourge of the cleaning staff at the Ecuadorian Embassy.

[Kyle walks to Julian]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah? What’s the big deal? Old man doesn’t look so tough.

Julian Assange: You want to throw down, amigo? [Cut to Julian and Kyle] You want to? I hope you’re proud of every single photo in your iPod because , boom, all your ding dong pics just went on the internet.

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, right.

Julian Assange: Yeah, yeah. Hey, you remember that notes folder you had? What was that called? Ideas for shark tank.

Kyle Mooney: How did you know about that?

Julian Assange: I know everything, baby.

Kyle Mooney: But my password has letters and numbers.

[Cut to everybody]

Julian Assange: Now, you sons of bitches want to hear how crazy I am? Here’s how crazy I am. [Cut to Julian] I’m wanted in the US and Sweden. I’m from Australia. I live in London in Ecuqador. You try figuring that one out. [Cut to everybody] Yeah, you cheat your schools and you know you rob your companies. [Cut to Julian] That’s cute. It is, yeah. I’ve attacked the US military bitches, because I’m an actual James Bond super villain and I’m one step away from destroying the goddamn moon. So you want to get nuts? Come on, let’s get nuts.

[Cut to everybody]

Michael Avenatti: Okay. He wins. I yield my time.

Julian Assange: Thank you. [Cut to Julian] Is there a bathroom around here because I really have to take a wikileak.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, it’s over there in the corner.

Chris Redd: Yeah, but watch out for that dude, man, because he must be in here for something crazy.

[Cut to Tekashi 69]

[Cut to Chris and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Oh! You mean Takashi 69? Hey, Tekashi, you in here for something crazy?

[Cut to Tekashi 69]

Tekashi 69: Nah, just robbery and gun stuff. It’s stupid!

[Cut to Tekashi 69]

Michael Avenatti: We may both regret this but Takashi, do you need a lawyer? See, prison’s fun.

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Weekend Update Lori Loughlin’s College Admissions Scandal | Season 44 Episode 17

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lori Loughlin at right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Lori Loughlin appeared in court to face charges that she bribed college officials. It’s amazed how people are so shocked by this story. Rich people have been finding loopholes to get their kids in college forever. For example Lacrosse. [Picture changes to a sports called Lacrosse]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jim Carry and Benito Muse Owe Lean Knee at left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Actor Jim Carry got into a twitter feud this week with the granddaughter of Benito Muse Owe Lean Knee because that’s just the kind of thing that happens now and we all have to accept it. News at this point is just a string of unrelated words like Elon Musk releases Harambe rap. Or this actual headline I read today, [Picture changes to a newspaper article] disabled chicken who survived weasel attack learning to walk, thanks to custom wheelchair. Guys, just eat the chicken.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Oreo at right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Oreo has introduced a new line of cookies inspired by ‘Game of Thrones’. I assume with the slogan Diabetes Is Coming. [Picture changes to a gay flag and a map of Wisconsin] A gay couple in Wisconsin says their landlord has threatened to evict them if they don’t take down their gay pride flag. And it’s truly shocking to me that in 2019 there are still gay people that haven’t left Wisconsin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of marijuana at left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that marijuana resin sold on the streets of Madrid contains a dangerous amount of fecal matter. Begging the question, what’s a good amount? A group of people in England [Picture changes to logo of Star Wars] are organizing a ‘Star Wars’ themed orgy which is just an orgy where you find out the guy in the mask is actually your father.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Charmin logo at right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Charmin has introduced a new toilet paper called the Forever Roll which can last someone up to one month. We’ll see about that, said Chipotle.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a mountain at left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: And a woman who lost her son’s grover doll while climbing a mountain had it returned after another climber found it. But only after grover freed himself from a bolder by cutting off his own arm.

Weekend Update Joe Biden’s Inappropriate Touching | Season 44 Episode 17

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost in their news set]

Michael Che: What’s up, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner of the screen.] Four women have come forward claiming that Joe Biden touched them in ways that made them uncomfortable. And yeah, I can see that. He looks like one of the uncles that calls spring sundress time. It’s very disappointing, but older people in general have a problem with boundaries. There’s an old lady in my building who’s 75, and every time I see her she grabs my arm and says something dirty. It’s very uncomfortable. But I just let her because she’s hot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: And then on Wednesday, Biden released a video responding to the allegations. And I’m not sure it helped.

[Cut to video clip of Joe Bidden’s response]

Joe Biden: In my career I try to make a human connection. That’s my responsibility I think. I shake hands, I hug people, I grab men by the shoulders and say you can do this.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, so it was supposed to be an apology, not a reenactment. Also the look of the video is just so weird. Why is it shot vertically? It looks like something from a premium adults-only Snapchat. And of course nothing puts women at ease like a man on a leather couch who has already taken off his tie. You must as well end the video by him unbuttoning his shirt and saying, to find out what happens next log on to godaddy.com. Then a pro-Trump group said Biden’s behavior is unacceptable and should instantly disqualify him from running. The group’s name is Independent Republicans of New York, or I.R.O.N.Y.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mueller report at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: The house judiciary committee voted to subpoena the full un-redacted Mueller report from the white house. Man, I really wish I knew about redacting when I was in school. I probably would have graduated. I did my report, it’s just redacted right now. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] If Donald Trump stole the presidency, why don’t we just steal it back? If I was running for president, [Picture changes to Michael Che’s election poster] I would be in Putin’s DM’s right now negotiating. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] Why is everybody trying to play fair with this guy? Even the FBI. Oh, you didn’t find anything? Then plant it! You’re the FBI. Just turn off the body cam and put some crack in his shoes, man.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s wall visit at left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Yesterday President Trump visited replacement fencing at the US-Mexico border and he described it like this.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s interview]

Donald Trump: If you want to climb that, you deserve whatever you can get. But it’s a very, very hard—it’s call anti-climb.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, somehow I don’t think it’s called anti-climb. Trump’s like, “Well, we started with a wall that was climb. [Picture changes to a picture of wall climbing with handles and bumps for holding and stepping on it] But then we took away the handy holds and the footy woots [The handles and bumps in the picture are now gone] and now it’s anti-climb.” Then Trump went on to say this.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s interview]

Donald Trump: So it’s a great wall and it looks—I think it looks fantastic. Very see-through so you’re able to see the other side, which is a very important element. Okay?

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I love that sassy “Okay”, that’s great. Trump’s describing the wall like he’s a hung-over tour guide, just trying to get through it. Well, okay, yes. We got the statue of liberty, [Picture changes to statue of liberty] she’s big, she’s green, she’s holding a light which I call anti-dark.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and avocados at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: It was reported if Trump closes the border with Mexico, the US would run out of avocados in three weeks. Man, this guy must really hate white women. Why else would he wage a war on brunch? I can’t wait to see the millions- woman march.