Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 21: Episode 11 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests:
January 20th, 1996 Alec Baldwin Tori Amos None NightlineSummary: Dissolution of Michael Jackson (Tim Meadows) marriage is a blow for Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond). Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Michael Jackson.
Montage
Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: Fops Lucien (Mark McKinney) and Fagan (David Koechner) help Alec Baldwin express love for his wife Kim Basinger. following the birth of their first child. Also Hosted: 89r, 90n, 92m, 93m, 94h, 96n, 98i, 00p, 01r, 03f, 05h, 95k, 06e. Recurring Characters: Lucien, Fagan.
Marshall Power ToolsSummary: John Marshall, Jr. (David Koechner) and his family members make great use of their power tools, despite their lack of body parts. Note: Repeat from 10/28/95.
Spartan CheerleadersSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) provide unwelcomed cheers at a chess tournament. Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna. Transcript
The Joe Pesci ShowSummary: Robert DeNiro (Alec Baldwin) helps Joe Pesci (Jim Breuer) assault celebrity guests Mel Gibson (Mark McKinney), Danny Glover (Tim Meadows) and Brad Pitt (David Spade). Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci, Robert DeNiro. Transcript
Literary TheatreSummary: Fops Lucien (David Koechner) and Fagin (Mark McKinney) present an adaptation of “Dense & Denisibility.” Recurring Characters: Lucien, Fagin.
Tori Amos performs “Caught A Lite Sneeze”Bio: Tori Amos (1963-) re-introduced the piano as a rock instrument, with her haunting, semiconfessional piano ballads, influenced by the likes of Kate Bush and Joni Mitchell. Lyrics
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Joe Blow (Colin Quinn) tries to establish a rapport with Norm MacDonald. Recurring Characters: Joe Blow.
Buckwell’s FolliesSummary: Henry Buckwell (Alec Baldwin) embarasses himself while running for governor by shooting Lassie, cursing at a baby, and wiping his ass with the American flag and another baby. Transcript
Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey recalls his days playing Pirate with his friends.
Accidentally Shot By HuntersSummary: People who resemble wild animals can’t seem to avoid being struck by a hunter’s (Will Ferrell) bullets.
Alec’s Belated Season’s GreetingsSummary: Alec Baldwin covers all his bases while recording belated video Christmas greetings. Transcript
SheSummary: Shipmates (Alec Baldwin, Mark McKinney) use gender-identifiers for their seacraft, but not for their women. Transcript
Tori Amos performs “Hey Jupiter”
Tales of Bill BraskySummary: Drunk businessmen (Will Ferrell, David Koechner, Mark McKinney, Alec Baldwin) praise the mythical man-beast named Bill Brasky. Transcript
John Marshall, Jr……David Koechner John Marshall, Sr…..Mark McKinney
John Marshall, Jr.: [ walks through the workshop ] Pride. That’s the feeling you get from working with your hands. I guess that’s the reason my family’s been in the power tool business for over 50 years.. [ raises his arm to reveal a hook where his hand should be ] ..and why the name “Marshall” has come to mean the best in reliable power tools. When you see that Marshall name.. [ taps saw blade with his hook hand ] ..you know it means quality. [ revs up saw blade ]
[ over archival footage of the company’s history, including a quick shot of a young John Marshall, Sr. swinging a running table saw toward the camera ]
John Marshall, Jr. V/O: When my dad, John Marshall, Sr., started the Marshall Co. back in 1952, he said if a power saw isn’t twice as sharp as a diamond, and twice as fast as the competition, it isn’t worthy of the Marshall name. [ John Marshall, Sr. tosses a sharp circular blade across the room ]
John Marshall, Jr.: [ back in the modern-day shop ] Right, Dad?
John Marshall, Sr.: [ turns around to reveal false arms and limbs ] Right, Son. But it takes a lot more than sharpness and speed to stay on top for as long as Marshall has. That’s why we’ve made safety.. number one. [ lifts up robotized finger ]
John Marshall, Jr.: But you don’t have to take our word for it. Because you’ve got the guarantee of the entire Marshall Family.
[ entire family shown, all with various false arms, legs and other body parts ]
Marshall Family: Marshall! Proud to be Number One!
[ everyone in the family raises up a single hand, including John Marshall, Jr. holding up his hook hand ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 21: Episode 5 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 11th, 1995 Quentin Tarentino Smashing Pumpkins None Paula Pell Robert Hegyes White House KitchenSummary: President Clinton (Darrell Hammond) pigs out on food in the White Huose kitchen, orders pizza, and apologizes to his supporters over the phone. Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton.
Montage
Quentin Tarentino’s MonologueSummary: Quentin Tarantino sings “I’m Gonna Blow You A Kiss In The Wind” to honor live television.
Bug-OffSummary: The roach motel that lets you torture roaches for a cheap thrill! Transcript
Spartan CheerleadersSummary: High school losers Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) cheer for the Spartans even though they’re not part of the cheerleading squad. Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna. Transcript
Clara Turley’s Bible ChallengeSummary: Schemer Stan Hooper (Norm MacDonald) lies to trusting Clara Turley (Nancy Walls) in order to win money on her bible quiz show. Recurring Characters: Stan Hooper. Transcript
Directors on DirectingSummary: Quentin Taratino admits to a talk show panel that he enjoys having sex with his lead actresses. Transcript
Smashing Pumpkins performs “Bullet With Butterfly Wings”
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Tall-haired Don King (Tim Meadows) won’t admit to his own wrongdoing. Fops Lucien (Mark McKinney) and Fagin (David Koechner) come out as huge Norm MacDonald fans. Recurring Characters: Lucien, Fagin.
Leg UpSummary: Debbie Reynolds (Cheri Oteri) and Ann Miller (Molly Shannon) have mistaken guest Quentin Taratino for a choreographer. Recurring Characters: Debbie Reynolds, Ann Miller.
CampfireSummary: The massive fluids from crushed mosquitoes dominate a white trash campfire discussion.
Spade in AmericaSummary: David Spade introduces Robert Hegyes to Quentin Tarantino with the hopes of launching a film career for John Travolta’s former sitcom.
Smashing Pumpkins performs “Zero”
All Aboard!Summary: An elderly train engineer (Quentin Taratino) enjoys beating up anyone he considers to be a hobo.
Clara Turley…..Nancy Walls
…..Quentin Tarantino
…..Molly Shannon
Stan Hooper…..Norm MacDonald
Clara Turley: Hello. I’m Clara Turley. Welcome to the “BibleChallenge”, where we meet and rejoice in our knowledge of the Good Book.
Contestants: Praise the Lord!
Let’s meet our contestants. [ camera pans to Southern Baptist ] Dr. Gene Spaulding is a visiting Biblical scholar at Southern Baptist College in Atlanta. Welcome, Doctor!
Dr. Gene Spaulding: Thank you!
Clara Turley: [ camera pans to a nun ] Sister Penelope Keller works as a missionary in San Salvadore. And, of course, Stan Hooper is back. [ camera pans to punk drinking beer and smoking a cigarette ] Stan is our defending champion, he’s won 47 games in a row. Hello, Stan.
Stan Hooper: Hey, how’s it hanging!
Clara Turley: It’s hard to believe that just a few months ago, Stan was living in our halfway house doing odd jobs around the school. And now, he’s the world-famous authority on the Holy Scripture!
Sister Penelope Keller: Clara, I would like to say that it is anabsolute honor just to be sitting next to Mr. Hooper.
Dr. Gene Spaulding: I feel the same way. Stan Hooper’s an inspiration to us all!
Clara Turley: Praise the Lord! Well, let’s get started! This is a $20 question: “How many years were the Israelites in Egypt?” And the answer is: “430.” Dr. Spaulding, did you know that?
Dr. Gene Spaulding: No, ma’am, I did not.
Clara Turley: Ohh.. that’s too bad. Sister Keller?
Sister Penelope Keller: Uh, no, Clara, I did not.
Clara Turley: Ohhh.. I’m sorry. Stan?
Stan Hooper: [ mouth full of hamburger, he rings a bell in front of him ] Yeah, I knew that! [ is handed $20 ]
Clara Turley: That’s terrific, Stan! You’re off to another great start! Question 2: “Who said, ‘Oh, Earth, Earth, Earth.. hear the word of the Lord.'” And the answer is: “Jeremiah.”
[ pause ]
Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Yeah, I knew that! [ is handed$20 more ]
Clara Turley: Oh, Stan, if only there were more peoplelike you! Now, be careful, this is a trick question: “What did God sayto Abraham at the time of the sacrafice?” And the answer is: “Nothing.Because it was the angel who spoke, not the Lord.”
Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Oh, yeah, I knew that one! [ ishanded $20 more ]
Clara Turley: Good!
Sister Penelope Keller: [ suspicious, rings her bell ] Uh.. MissClara, I knew that one, too!
Clara Turley: Oh, my.. well.. let’s see.. Which of you knew itfirst?
Sister Penelope Keller: Well, I knew it as soon as you said”Abraham.”
Stan Hooper: Oh, yeah, yeah! I knew it before that. I knew it when you said.. something about a trick question?
Clara Turley: You know the rules. Stan wins again. Now, let’stake a break and read some letters. [ holds up letter ] “Dear Clara, we just adore Stan Hooper. Tell us more about him. Does he still do odd jobs?”
Stan Hooper: Uh.. no, no. I quit my job. I’m doing this showfull-time now.
Clara Turley: Here’s another one: [ holds up letter ] “Where did Stan Hooper learn so much about the Bible?”
Stan Hooper: Hey, Clara, listen.. can we get back to the game now? Time is money, you know? Praise the God!
Clara Turley: Of course. For $50: “Who is the patron saint ofFrance?” And the answer is: “St. Denis.”
Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Hey, hey, I knew that!
Dr. Gene Spaulding: [ rings his bell ] Excuse me, Clara? I don’t mean to be blasphemous.. but it occurs to me that when Brother Stan says he knows the answer.. well, he might be lying.
Clara Turley: Well.. I.. I don’t know what to say. I.. I suppose it’s possible.. It’s true the forces of darkness are everywhere. But there’s only one way to find out. Stan, are you lying?
Stan Hooper: No!
Clara Turley:I am so relieved! [ Stan is given his $50 ]
Dr. Gene Spaulding: Brother Stan, can you ever forgive me?
Stan Hooper: Oh, yeah, yeah, don’t worry about it. Hey, let’s get on with thie game! How about that Bonus Round?
Clara Turley: Alright! Our Bonus Round. For $100: “How many orders of angels are there?” And the answer is: “Nine.”
Stan Hooper: [ ring bell ] I knew that one!
Clara Turley: Ah, but can you name them, Stan? For $100each?
Stan Hooper: [ [ starts to panic ] Well, let’s see now..
Clara Turley: The answers are “Angels..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, I knew that! [ money startspiling up ]
Clara Turley: “..Archangels..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, that’s right!
Clara Turley: “..Seraphim..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Sure, Seraphim..
Clara Turley: “..Cherubims..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, the Cherubims..
Clara Turley: “..Powers..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, the Powers!
Clara Turley: “..Thrones..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah!
Clara Turley: “..Virtues..”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, I knew that one!
Clara Turley: “..and Dominions.”
Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yes, I knew that, too! I know them all!
[ the other two contestants applaud Stan’s knowledge ]
Clara Turley: Well, Stan, you are ahead again! No surpise there. So, you get to answer our Bible Challenge of the Week. It’s worth $1,000. Now, we’ve been researching this one all day, and it’s a dilly. Do you think you can handle it?
Stan Hooper: Well, I’m a little nervous..
Clara Turley: Here we go.. [ music rises ] Oh, heavens We’re out of time. Maybe next week, Stan..
Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Hey, hey, hold on there! Excuse me, but I knew the question you were gonna ask.
Clara Turley: You do?
Stan Hooper: Yeah, yeah.. and I know the answer, too. [ turns around and grabs the prize money out of the dish ]
Clara Turley: Well, Saints be praised! You are a remarkable man! Stan, will you come back next week?
Stan Hooper: Yeah, yeah, sure.. I think I can make it.
Clara Turley: Let us pray. Thank you, Lord, for giving us thisopportunity to rejoice in your Word.
[ Bug-Off Spokesman walks into dark kitchen and turns on the lights – agroup of roaches quickly scatter away ]
Spokesman: Roaches. Eliminating them from your home should besafe, as well as effective. Most products on the market today use strong poisons to seize a roach’s central nervous system, paralyze him, and eventually kill them. Can’t we do better than that? Now you can, with new Bug-Off.
Roaches are attracted to Bug-Off by a chemical message that says, “Comeon in, it’s warm and safe in here.” Once inside, the roach is held fast by a powerful adhesive, while three pairs of tiny tweezers grab the roach’s legs and strech them in opposite directions until, eventually, they snap off. Meanwhile, a red-hot metal coil burns off the roach’s reproductive organs, as the roach’s own legs are used to beat him senseless. And, with the patented clear-view window, you can be sure it’s working. Finally, wads of turpentine silk cotton are stuffed into the roach’s orifices, while a tasty piece of food dangles just out of his reach.
True, none of this will actually kill the roach.. but it will give himplenty to think about. So stop coddling your roaches. They’ve had ittoo good for too long. Give them what they deserve, with Bug-Off.
Craig: (Looking at someone off-stage) Hey is the party still at Rick’s?
Arianna: The party? Is it still at Rick’s? What did he say?
Craig: I don’t…I can’t hear…He said the party’s still at Rick’s.
(Both do their famous kick and sits down)
Together: Shane! Oh, my God Shane! Go Shane! Awww…Go Shane!!!
You can’t see why we’re so great! East Lake Spartans You can’t see why we’re so great! East Lake Spartans East Lake Spartans East Lake Spartans Can’t see! Whoooo!
Craig: Look there’s Coach Maxwell…
Arianna: What? Where is he?
Craig: Right there. Coach Maxwell!
Arianna: Coach Maxwell!
Craig: The guys are doing great!
Arianna: Kickin’ butt!
(Both stand up)
Together: Coach Maxwell! Coach Maxwell!
Craig: He can’t hear us. (Another kick and then sits back down)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy East Lake high school’s half-time entertainment!
Arianna: Oh my God…
(Craig and Arianna get up and stretch. Then dance to Everybody Dance Now. Awesome! Real Spartan cheerleader runs up and turns off their music)
Cheerleader: Listen you buttholes! You’re not a Spartan Spirit! Give back the uniforms! You didn’t make the squad! You got it? You’re not a Spartan Spirit! Oh, oh! A touchdown! (Running off-stage) Firecracker firecracker boom, boom, boom!
Arianna: (Crying) Just because we didn’t make the squad doesn’t mean we don’t have Spartan Spirit!
…..Quentin Tarantino Spike Lee…..Tim Meadows Oliver Stone…..David Koechner Gus Van Sant…..Mark McKinney
Quentin Tarantino: Hello. I’m Quentin Tarantino, and welcome to “Directors On Directing”. Every week we try to take one aspect of the director’s art/craft, and put it under the microscope. Tonight’s subject: The relationship between the director and his actresses. Tonight’s guests include to my left, director of “Do The Right Thing” and “Malcom X”, Spike Lee. [ Applause ] And to my right, Academy Award winning director of “Platoon”, “JFK”, and my script “Natural Born Killers”, Oliver Stone. [ Applause ] And to his right, director of “Drugstore Cowboy” and “My Own Private Idaho”, Gus Van Sant. [ Applause ] So gentlemen, let’s get started, alright? Now the relationship between a director and his actress can be the most intimate relationship a man and a woman can share. When a director and an actress click, only a husband and wife, or a father and a daughter, share the same level of intimacy, closeness and, above all, trust. Now for us directors, the relationship is very simple: Actresses are some of the most beautiful women in the world and directors are, by and large, the most butt-ugly, motley group of geeks found this side of a Star Trek convention. Now, if I had a nickel for every director in Hollywood who any woman would give a second glance to if they weren’t a director, I couldn’t buy my way into a pay toilet. Now, take me for example, alright? Compared to the ugliest guy on Melrose Place, I look like a mutt with a mange. But you compare me to another director, I’m Ethan Hawke. Now Spike, a few years ago during the Academy Awards, Kim Bassinger stopped the show in mid-ceremony to declare her admiration for you and your film “Do The Right Thing”. Then about a week or so later, you had lunch with her. So now Spike did you jam her?
Spike Lee: I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Q, you know I only date black women.
Quentin Tarantino: I didn’t ask if you’d marry her, I asked did you jam her.
Spike Lee: Hey man, I’m married.
Quentin Tarantino: [ laughs ] Yeah, and the LAPD practices reasonable restraint. Spike, you’re a horny bastard. I know it, you know it, and so does everybody else.
Spike Lee: What the hell are you talking about, man? You don’t know me!
Quentin Tarantino: Everybody here who didn’t shoot an extreme close-up of their lips sucking on Rosie Perez’s breast, raise your hand, alright?
[ Tarantino, Oliver and Gus all raise their hands ]
Quentin Tarantino: I think I rest my case. We’re moving on! Alright, Oliver, you’re very much involved with the Asian community in America. You produced the “Joy Luck Club”, you directed “Heaven And Earth” and you constantly have dinners and functions for the Asian community. But Oliver, let’s call a spade a spade. [waves off Spike ] All your work with the Asian community, you do all this crap just to meet Asian babes, right?
Oliver Stone: Quentin, you know I care very deeply about the Asian community.
Quentin Tarantino: No, you care very deeply for your rolodex, Buddy. And if I had a dime for every Wong and Chu in it, I could start my own studio!
Oliver Stone: Well I resent your implications!
Quentin Tarantino: Well let’s talk about “Heaven and Earth”, Buddy. You take some Vietnamese little honey whose only prior acting experience was third girl from the left in a Godzilla movie, you give her the lead role in a fifty million dollar epic. Now if you can convince me you didn’t pat her Tai, I’ll convince you Oswald acted alone.
Oliver Stone: Now hold on just a minute!
Quentin Tarantino: We’re moving on, moving on! Gus. “My Own Private Idaho”. Keanu Reeves. Was the purple prose of your dialogue the only thing Keanu had problems with his tounge getting around?
Gus van Sant: [ stutters ] Uhh, Quentin, Keanu is not gay.
Quentin Tarantino: Yeah but you are, Buddy.
Gus van Sant: Yeah, but I thought we were talking about directors and actors…
Quentin Tarantino: Well you know what? I just changed the subject! Tonight’s issue is the relationship between a director and young, male husslers. What do you think about that, huh? I got one word for you, Buddy, Pasolini!
Spike Lee: Hey, what about you and Uma?
Gus van Sant: Yeah!
Quentin Tarantino: Uma Thurman?
Oliver Stone: What Uma do you think we’re talking about? Did you jam her? Did you jam her?!
Quentin Tarantino: Now, okay, gentlemen, why would I want to jam Uma Thurman? I mean back when I was working in a video store for five years! Making minimum wage! Thirty pounds overweight! Riding the bus in LA! Living with my mom! Girls like Uma were just crazy about me! Did I jam Uma…I jammed every chick on that set! And if you guys ever cast me in one of your movies, I’ll jam every chick on your set! What do you think about that?! And…uhh…on that note, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today. I’d like to thank all of my guests and be join us next week when my guests will be independent filmmakers Rick Linkletter, Kevin Smith, and Hal Harley. Our subject: A year on the film festival circuit, or, How I spent a year jamming foreign chicks! Good night and cut!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 21: Episode 6 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 18th, 1995 Laura Leighton Rancid None Paula Pell Sam Waterston Grant Show Sean Penn Air Force OneSummary: While President Clinton lives it up in First Class, Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) and Newt Gingrich (Darrell Hammond) must settle for the third world conditions of flying Coach. Recurring Characters: Bob Dole, Newt Gingrich. Transcript
Montage
Laura Leighton’s MonologueSummary: Laura Leighton’s biggest fans, Lucien (Mark McKinney) and Fagan (David Koechner), lavish their idol with flowers, reference favorite episodes, and present her with a portrait of themselves enjoying her performance on “Melrose Place”. Recurring Characters: Lucien, Fagan. Transcript
Old Glory InsuranceSummary: Sam Waterston endorses the insurance plan that protects elderly people against robot attacks. Transcript
The Fortune TellerSummary: A skeptical customer (Norm MacDonald) makes fun of a fortune teller (Laura Leighton) after she incorrectly states the name of his hometown. Transcript
Home For The HolidaysSummary: Time-Life videotape series catalogues a series of family fights over the Thanksgiving holidays. Transcript
What a Woman WantsSummary: Female hosts (Laura Leighton, Molly Shannon) have all the answers.
CydneySummary: In a nightmare dream sequence on “Melrose Place”, Sydney (Laura Leighton) is harrassed by annoying midgets during a perfume commercial shoot. Transcript
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Norm MacDonald is twice the victim of a Howard Stern supporter posing as a serious commentator. Local resident Joe Blow (Colin Quinn) delivers neighborhood news items from his block. Recurring Characters: Joe Blow.
Rancid performs “Roots Radical”
RobertaSummary: The presence of bland co-worker Roberta (Cheri Oteri) ruins a businesswoman’s (Laura Leighton) party. Recurring Characters: Roberta.
Spade in AmericaSummary: Sean Penn agrees to an interview with David Spade as long as he can give the “SNL” star a tattoo. Transcript
Self-PunishmentSummary: Tommy (Jim Breuer) tortures himself for making mistakes at the office. Transcript
Rancid performs “Ruby Soho”
Git With YouSummary: Crossing paths on a stret corner, a homeboy (Tim Meadows) tells a businesswoman (Laura Leighton) that he wants to “git” with her. Transcript
[ NBC News footage of Air Force One taking off from Ben Gurion Airport. ]
[ SUPER: AIR FORCE ONE, TEL AVIV TO WASHINGTON ]
[ NBC News footage of Presidents Clinton, H.W. Bush, and Carter in the Conference Room. All are smiles, despite leaving the memorial service for the late Israeli Prime Minister: Yitzhak Rabin. ]
Reporter (V/0): Doing good, Mr. President?
President Clinton (V/O): Yep sure is at least up front!
[ All three presidents exchange a light laugh. ]
[ INT. AIR FORCE ONE REAR CABIN DAY ]
[ Senate Majority Leader BOB DOLE and House Speaker NEWT GINGRICH are seated. ]
Newt Gingrich: Ya know, Bob — I simply cant believe he made us sit back here! I just cant believe it!
Bob Dole: Yeah, I cant believe the size of these damn nuts!
[ Senator Dole lightly shakes a bag of airline peanuts. ]
Bob Dole: Damn outrage! Nothing but nut dust!!!
[ Senator Dole shakes the bag too hard, and all the peanut dust spills onto Speaker Gingrichs suit. ]
Newt Gingrich: Oh God!!! Has any other Speaker of the House been subjected to this total lack of respect!?
Bob Dole: Pip down, Gingrich — well fix his wagon when we get back to Washington, D.C.!
[ A FLIGHT ATTENDANT strolls by with a tray of scones. ]
Newt Gingrich: Excuse me, maam? Those scones are looking mighty tasty. Could I just have one of those?
Flight Attendant: Im sorry, these scones are for the President. Now, when I come back, Ill try to scrounge something up for you and the Senator. Okay?
Bob Dole: Ah, thats wonderful! Bob Doles been serving this country for 50 years, and has to now beg for a biscuit?
Flight Attendant: You a little cranky today, Mr. Senator? Please tighten your seat belts. Okay? Thanks!
[ Both Senator Dole & Speaker Gingrich fasten their seat belts, which are nothing more than white nylon rope. ]
Bob Dole: Ill show her cranky! It wont be long before Im riding up front all the time, now that Powell pushed out.
[ A flock of chickens roam the main aisle. ]
Bob Dole: Damn chickens!
Newt Gingrich: What the hell!?
[ NBC News footage of President Clinton appearing content. ]
Captain (V/O): Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! This is the Captain speaking. Were currently flying over the Mediterranean at an altitude of 38,000 feet. In a moment, well begin our complimentary beverage service in the Presidential Cabin. And in the Rear Cabin, you folks there can purchase your beverages for $3.50.
[ Senator Dole starts to unfasten his seat belt. ]
Bob Dole: $3.50 for a drink!? Ill clean his redneck clock!!!
Newt Gingrich: Bob, Bob, Bob!!! Cmon, just relax! Hell pay for this when we get back to Washington. Well shut down the whole damn government if we have to!
[ Senator Dole & Speaker Gingrich share a hearty laugh and clasp hands. ]
Bob Dole: Sounds good!
[ DENISE & KEN PAMILLAN pop out from their seats, which are behind the two political leaders. ]
Denise Pamillan: Excuse me, excuse me are you Bob Dole? And are you Newt Gingrich?
Newt Gingrich: Yes, maam!
Ken Pamillan: Wow! Im Ken Pamillan, and this is my wife, Denise!
Denise Pamillan: Hi!
Ken Pamillan: Were the winners of the Win a Flight on Air Force One contest.
Denise Pamillan: This is like a dream come true for us! Weve never won anything before! But now, here we are — sitting with two big politicians!!!
[ The Pamillans share a loud laugh. ]
Ken Pamillan: All thanks to the folks at the Kelloggs Cereal Company!
Denise Pamillan: No, its thanks to you, honey — I didnt have the patience to save up 500 Box Tops!
[ The Pamillans share another loud laugh and return to their seats. Senator Dole stops the flight attendant as she comes by. ]
Bob Dole: Maam, maam Im begging! A saltine, a French fry anything! What do you have here?
Flight Attendant: Im sorry, but with the President on board, there arent a lot of leftovers.
[ Speaker Gingrich chuckles. ]
Bob Dole: Ha, ha! President likes to eat. What a great barrel of laughs
Captain (V/O): In a few moments, we will begin todays movie presentation. In the Presidential Cabin, well be showing Casino, with Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci. And in our Rear Cabin, we present The Beastmaster, starring Tanya Roberts.
Ken Pamillan: Did you hear that, guys!? The Beastmaster!
Denise Pamillan: Pinch me, Ken! Because I must be dreaming!!!
[ The Pamillans share another loud laugh. Ken holds a can of soda in front of Senator Dole & Speaker Gingrich. ]
Ken Pamillan: You guys want a soda? Because we have an extra.
Bob Dole: Give me that!
[ Senator Dole & Speaker Gingrich battle over the soda. Senator Dole wins. ]
President Clinton (V/O): Bob Newt
[ PRESIDENT CLINTON, only backside visible, whisks through the Rear Cabin to shake hands with Pamillans. ]
President Clinton (V/O): How ya doing? Howre you enjoying your flight so far?
Newt Gingrich: Mr. President, were hoping we could talk about the budget?
President Clinton (V/O): Maybe later, Newt. Listen, Donna Shalala is in the can up front, so Im just gonna use yours!
[ President Clinton departs. ]
Bob Dole: Mr. President, Bob Dole has flown on Air Force One over a 100 times and never had to —
[ A goat in the main aisle starts licking Senator Doles shoe. ]
Bob Dole: What the hell!? Is that a goat? Good Lord! Mr. President Mr. President!? Gosh, dammit!
[ Senator Dole tosses his soda can at the nearest window, which cause it to shatter. Air Force One starts to lose cabin pressurization, and almost sucks out a female PASSENGER, who screams in terror. Speaker Gingrich struggles to save her. ]
Newt Gingrich: What in the world!? Now, look what youve done! What do you have to say for yourself?
Bob Dole: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Madam Sophia: I see that you have a very large family.
Stan: Yes, yes large family, that’s true.
Madam Sophia: You have 7 brothers and sisters.
Stan: Hey, hey! That’s right!
Madam Sophia: Yes, but you were especially close to yoursister.
Stan: Wow! Yes, I am! That’s cool!
Madam Sophia: Your sister misses you and all her otherbrothers. John–
Stan: Uh, huh.
Madam Sophia: Ben, Michael you’re Stan–
Stan: Yeah.
Madam Sophia: Richard and Phil.
Stan: Good Lord! That’s incredible!
Madam Sophia: You were all so happy back in Ohio.
Stan: Yeah, we were. Yeah.
Madam Sophia: Back in your hometown—
Stan: Oh, yeah, man we loved that place.
Madam Sophia: Your hometown of Dayton, Ohio.
Stan: No!
Madam Sophia: It’s not Dayton?
Stan: No! it’s Cincinnati. It’s not even near Dayton!Jeez!!
Madam Sophia: Well, lets move on. (Hand gestures over crystalball)
Stan: Dayton! Dayton! (Jerks thumb at the Madam)
Madam Sophia: You miss your sister.
Stan: Yeah, yeah I miss her, yeah. Hey! you know whatelse I miss? Dayton! Oh, yeah good old Dayton! I’llnever forget that place.
Madam Sophia: Your sister hasn’t told you something. It is afamily secret. It concerns a man named Jerry Hoster.
Stan: Jerry Hoster. Yeah, yeah. He was a handyman whoworked in our farm in Cincinnati – or as you may knowit, Dayton!
Madam Sophia: This Jerry. He was a very bad man.
Stan: Ohh, he’s the baddest man in Dayton!
Madam Sophia: The secret involves your mother. She reached aviolent end…with a hatchet.
Stan: Yeah, she was murdered with a hatchet, if thatwhat you’re referring to.
Madam Sophia: They never solved the murder. They never foundher killer.
Stan: Yeah, there were no witnesses. Yeah, themDayton police just couldn’t figure it out. (Jerk thumbsagain and grins at her)
Madam Sophia: Wait! There was one witness. Your sister!
Stan: My sister? My sister saw the murder?
Madam Sophia: That’s why she’s troubled! She repressed thememory of who killed your mother.
Stan: Really? Wh..ooo.., who did it, who did it!
Madam Sophia: It was….I can’t see it….I can’t.
Stan: Who was it? Who was it?
Madam Sophia: Only your mother knows. I can summon her spiritif you like.
Stan: Yeah, yeah summon her spirit.
(Madam Sophia closes her eyes and chants)
Madam Sophia: Beverly! Come to us! Beverly your son needsyou! Beverly come to us!
(Beverly’s head floats upon Stan’s and the Madam’sheads)
Beverly: Stanley!
Stan: Mom! Is that you?
Beverly: Stanley, I can hear you!
Stan: Oh, my God! Mom! I miss you, mom!
Beverly: I miss you too Stanley.
Stan: Mom, did we ever live in Dayton?
Beverly: No.
Stan: You ever been to Dayton?
Beverly: No.
Stan: Did you ever consider living in Dayton?
Beverly: No.
Stan: OK, mom so just for the record, I want to beabsolutely clear here…is any of our family evenremotely connected to the city of Dayton?
Beverly: No, but son I love you.
Stan: OK, thank you. Thanks a lot.
(Mother’s image disappears)
Madam Sophia: Ask her about the murder. She’s leaving!
Stan: Yeah, well she’s probably on her way up toDayton. Don’t worry about it. Hey, look lady this hasbeen a lot of fun, you know but I got to get going.Good birthday present. Been a hoot.
Madam Sophia: No, wait! I see who killed your mother. It wasthe handyman.
Stan: What? Jerry?
Madam Sophia: Yes, and he’s nearby. If you leave this roomyou’ll be killed exactly like your mother was…with ahatchet!
Stan: Oh, yeah, well I better be careful. OK, bye-byefortune lady.
(Gets up and leaves)
Madam Sophia: No, wait…no!
Stan: OK, bye-bye. Take care.
(Madam Sophia gets up and looks from her door at Stanand screams)
Madam Sophia: Aaaahhh!!!!
(Stan comes back in impaled by a spear, the pointsticks out of his belly)
Stan: Well, well, well…..looky here! Yep, somebody threw a hatchet at me, all right. Yeah, that’s a hatchet. You know how I can tell? By it’s giant spear-like shape! Yeah, no doubt about it! Hey!,I’ll tell you what, maybe I’ll go now, I gotta get back to Dayton, maybe I’ll chop down a tree with my shiny new hatchet! (Waves the spear around with his body) Huh?Dayton, Dayton. Good Lord!
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Air Date:
NightlineSummary: Dissolution of Michael Jackson (Tim Meadows) marriage is a blow for Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond).
Bio: Tori Amos (1963-) re-introduced the piano as a rock instrument, with her haunting, semiconfessional piano ballads, influenced by the likes of Kate Bush and Joni Mitchell.
Summary: Alec Baldwin covers all his bases while recording belated video Christmas greetings.
Summary: Shipmates (Alec Baldwin, Mark McKinney) use gender-identifiers for their seacraft, but not for their women.
Summary: Drunk businessmen (Will Ferrell, David Koechner, Mark McKinney, Alec Baldwin) praise the mythical man-beast named Bill Brasky.
Transcript
Summary: While President Clinton lives it up in First Class, Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) and Newt Gingrich (Darrell Hammond) must settle for the third world conditions of flying Coach.
