Toilet Death Ejector | Season 44 Episode 14

Narrator… John Mulaney

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with two elderly couple talking]

Grandpa: Hal, [Cut to Grandpa] he passed away.

[Cut to Granny]

Granny: Oh, no. That’s awful!

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I’ll say. They found him on the toilet.

[Cut to Granny]

Granny: That’s so embarrassing.

[Cut to the narrator]

Narrator: Dying on the toilet. It’s every senior’s worst nightmare. You live a life of grace and honor only to pass in the most humiliating way imaginable, ass up on a bathroom floor, and loaded toilet rotting behind you. Thankfully there’s a solution that’s both elegant and dignified. [Cut to a toilet commode] The Toilet Death Ejector. [Cut to an elderly on the commode] When you are on the toilet and you feel yourself dying, simply press the red button. [The commode ejects and throws the elderly’s body to the bed] Hydraulics beneath your seat will propel your dead body forward, hurl you gently through the air and deposit you neatly on your bed. The toilet will then automatically flush and release a puff of lavender scent. Finally, a smart book will fall from the ceiling onto your chest to imply wisdom. Choose from impressive title like the Bible, Henry David Thoreau’s ‘Walden’ or ‘Latest Gladwell.

[Cut to Granny]

Granny: I don’t know. That sure seems awfully complicated.

[Cut to the narrator]

Narrator: I’ll tell you what complicated. Explaining to the grandkids that nana died while taking a giant dumb. No matter what the cause of death is, they’re going to assume it was the size of the dump that killed her. [Cut to an elderly on the commode] So reclaim your dignity. [The commode ejects and throws the elderly’s body to the bed]

Kyle Mooney: Hey, mom, I– Oh, no. [Kyle looks at the book on her] She was so wise.

[Cut to an engineer fitting the Toilet Death Ejector]

Narrator: Our team of engineers guarantees that toilet death ejector is mostly accurate.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Oh, no! That’s a shame. At least he died peacefully in bed reading scripture.

[Cut to Granny]

Granny: Oh, that’s nice.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Only thing was his pants were around his ankles. And there was [Bleep] everywhere.

[Cut to the narrator]

Narrator: The toilet death ejector. Every time you hear that sound, [ejecting sound] an angel gets its wings.

Cha Cha Slide | Season 44 Episode14

Daniel… John Mulaney

Dj, Marcus… Kenan Thompson

Lisa… Ego Nwodim

Jermaine… Chris Redd

[Starts with people dancing in a hall of a party] [Lisa and Daniel walk in]

Lisa: Okay. Deep breath. My cousin’s wedding is just like any other wedding, okay.

Daniel: But I’ve never met any of your family. It’s just I’m kind of nervous.

Lisa: Why? What is there to be nervous about?

Daniel: I don’t know. I’m a software engineer from Indian Apolis.

Lisa: Okay, these people don’t bite. Okay?

[Cut to the DJ]

DJ: Alright, let’s get it going, y’all. I need everybody on the dance floor. Let’s make it funky, funky, funky. [Cut to everybody, Daniel and Lisa start dancing] Everybody clap your hands. Clap, clap, clap your hands.

Daniel: It’s just – I don’t want to embarrass myself or you.

Lisa: It’s fine. Just be yourself.

DJ: Take it back now, y’all. One hop this time. Two hops this time. Right foot, let’s stomp. Left foot, let’s stomp. Cha cha now, y’all. Turn it up.

Daniel: I’m sorry to be weird. Is your mom here?

Lisa: I told you, everyone’s here.

DJ: Take it back now, y’all. One hop this time. Now shoot them dice. Turn up now y’all. Turn it up.

Lisa: Shoot them dice? Is this the radio?

Daniel: No, this is the club remix, the 12

DJ: Let’s turn them grease. Turn it one time. Cha cha, now y’all. Turn it up.

Daniel: I mean what do I even say to your mom? We have nothing to talk about.

Lisa: You’ll be great. I told you all about you.

DJ: Now pull out your church fans. [Daniel takes the church fan out of his back pocket] And wave that fan.

Lisa: Church fans? I didn’t bring a church fan.

Daniel: Oh, I have an extra. [Daniel takes another church fan out of his back pocket and gives it to Lisa]

DJ: Now, wave it all around. Now wave it all around. Cha cha now y’all. Turn it up.

Daniel: Do you know everybody here?

Lisa: No, I barely know half of these people.

Jermaine: Hey, Daniel. [Jermaine joins Daniel and Lisa]

Daniel: Oh, my god, Jermaine. What are you doing here?

Jermaine: What are you doing?

Daniel: I’m with my girlfriend.

Lisa: Hi, I’m Lisa. You two know each other?

Jermaine: Yeah, we were in the same fraternity.

Lisa: Which one was that?

[Cut to Daniel and Jermaine]

Daniel: Kappa Alpha PSI at Howard University.

Daniel and Jermaine: You know.

Daniel: And about five years ago, we went on a Tom Joyner Cruise where we saw Sinbad an Anita Baker.

Jermaine: Man, that was special right? Looks like my son’s acting up again. Put that down, boy.

Daniel: Oh-oh. Looks like somebody’s going to be on punishment.

Jermaine: You know it. [Cut to Daniel, Lisa and Jermaine] All right Daniel, good to see you. Put your pants back on, boy. [Jermaine leaves]

Lisa: See? It’s not so bad. You have a friend here.

Daniel: Yeah, one.

DJ: Two hops this time. Right foot, two stomps. Left foot, two stops. Make it hutch now y’all.

Daniel: It’s weird for me to be in a new environment.

Lisa: I know. But we all have to do it sometime.

[Ms. Staley joins Lisa and Daniel]

Ms. Staley: Hey, Daniel. I thought that was you.

Daniel: Hey, Ms. Staley. I didn’t know you were here.

Lisa: You know Daniel?

[Cut to Daniel and Ms. Staley]

Ms. Staley: Yeah, we were partners in the stage down at the church. We won $60.

Daniel: We sure did. Hey, are you still watching ‘Power’ on the Starz network?

Ms. Staley: No, child. I had to get rid of the Starz.

Daniel: Oh, it’s a damn shame how expensive these cables are these days. Hey, how’s your foot feeling?

Ms. Staley: It’s better. I got the socks and I have been soaking it every night. Thank you for asking.

Daniel: Well, I’m going to pray on it.

Ms. Staley: Well, thank you darling. You know I’m cooking greens, Sunday, stop by.

[Ms. Staley leaves]

Lisa: Oh, my god. You know my aunt better than I do.

Daniel: Oh, stop. Andrew get things, I’m corny. She’s just being nice.

DJ: Slide to the left. Slide to the right. Now Beyonce one. Now Beyonce two. All right, all right. Good job, everybody. It’s 11:01. And my break was scheduled for 11:00. I’m out of here. Peace.

Lisa: You are going to be fine, tonight.

Daniel: You think so?

Lisa: Yes, I swear. I’d love for you to meet my brother, he’s the DJ.

[Cut to the DJ]

DJ: All right. I want to thank everybody for having me. I just want to give a quick shout out to the man that produced my first mixtape. Daniel, I love you man.

[Cut to Daniel and Lisa]

Daniel: Appreciate you D’ Marcus.

Legal Shark Tank | Season 44 Episode 14

Michael Avenatti… Pete Davidson

Janine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Alan Dreshowitz… John Mulaney Rudy Giuliani

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Robert Kraft… Beck Bennett

Jussie Smollett… Chris Redd

[Starts with Shark Tank intro]

Narrator: And now it’s time for ‘Shark Tank: Legal Edition’ where celebrities in legal trouble make their case to see if any of our sharks will represent them. [Cut to the legal sharks] First let’s meet our legal sharks. He’s a porn lawyer who might just run for president, [Cut to Michael Avenatti] Michael Avenatti.

Michael Avenatti: Sorry for being nervous. [confident and smiling] I hate being on TV.

Narrator: Former prosecutor and current fox news Banshee, [Cut to Janine Pirro] Janine Pirro.

Janine Pirro:  When I walk into the room, all the house plants die.

Narrator: The scourge of Martha’s vineyard, [Cut to Alan Dreshowitz] Alan Dreshowitz.

Alan Dreshowitz: After I started defending Trump, no one invites me to parties anymore. I wish I could go back to defending good people like O.J.

Narrator: And the man, the myth, the leper, [Cut to Rudy Giuliani] Rudy Giuliani.

Rudy Giuliani: Don’t feed me after midnight or it’s Gremlin city.

Narrator: Both our guest sharks for tonight, Jingle based attorney Cellino and Barnes.

[Cut to Video Bumper]

Cellino and Barnes, Injury Attorneys

Happy to be here on “Shark Tank”

[Cut to Shark Tank stage]

Narrator: And now let’s meet our first troubled celeb [The door opens and Robert Kraft walks in] seeking legal help, New England patriots owner, Robert Kraft.

Robert Kraft: Hello, sharks.

[Cut to the sharks]

Sharks: Hi, Bob. Hey, Bob.

Rudy Giuliani: I already got a good feeling about being this guy. Yeah.

[Cut to Robert Kraft]

Robert Kraft: Sharks, I am currently in some hot water over accusations that I went to the day spa in Florida and got what turned out to be a not so happy ending. I’m also the only person to ever take a private jet straight to a $59 handjob. I’m seeking an attorney who will make sure no one sees the video of my 77 year old pigskin getting tossed around.

[Cut to Michael Avenatti]

Michael Avenatti: This is a serious charge, Bob. And as you’ve shown, you can’t beat it on your own. [Michael smiles] [Cut to Janine Pirro]

Janine Pirro: If you’ll ask me, the real criminal in this story is the immigrant woman who stole that job from a soft, white, American hand.

[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]

Alan Dreshowitz: Okay, now at the risk of Reese Witherspoon blocking me on twitter, I have to say, can’t a billionaire get a Hojo in peace? Let the man have some fun. Also $59 in Palm Beach? I respect the man for getting a great deal.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: Listen Bob, if you pick me, I would happily go on TV, contradict everything you’ve ever said and then add some additional damaging information free of charge. God bless America.

[Cut to video bumper]

Cellino and Barnes happy to defend you especially if the spa had a

[Cut to Shark Tank stage]

Narrator: UP next, the controversial [The door opens and Jussie Smolett enters] star of ‘Empire’, Jussie Smollett.

Jussie Smollett: Hey everyone, you won’t believe this, but I was just attacked outside the studio by Donald Trump himself.

[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]

Alan Dreshowitz: Jussie, is that true?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: Are there cameras outside?

[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]

Alan Dreshowitz: Yes.

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: Then no, it is not.

[Cut to Michael Avenatti]

Michael Avenatti: Jussie, why exactly are you here today?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: I broke humanity. But if you take my case, I offer spoilers for next season of Empire. I die.

[Cut to Janine Pirro]

Janine Pirro: Wow! A gay black man lying about an attack. I wrote Fox news fan fiction about this. But I never thought it would come true. I’m recusing myself. Because I am just too turned on.

[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]

Alan Dreshowitz: Jussie, you got everything I love in a client. You’re famous, you’re probably guilty, end of list.

[Cut to video bumper]

Cellino and Barnes injury attorneys, and even we want justice.

[Ends with outro]

Narrator: Shark tank, legal edition.

To Have and Have Not | Season 44 Episode 14

Reese De’What… Kenen Thompson

Humphrey Bogard, Steve… John Mulaney

Lauren Bacall… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Cinema Classis intro]

Narrator: You’re watching ‘Cinema Classics’ on TBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his program set]

Reese De’What: Welcome to Cinema Classics. I am your host, Reese De’What. Tonight we look at the 1944 war romance ‘To Have and Have Not’ starring Humphrey Bogard and Lauren Bacall in her film debut. While some critics call it the poor man’s ‘Casa Blanca’. The chemistry between it’s two stars was palpable. It was almost as palpable as my wife’s anger. She asked me to guess how much weight she’s lost and I said “From where?” Worst couples massage ever. “To have and not have” is best known for the line, “You know how to whistle, don’t you?” Which was so steamy that most people don’t remember what came after it. So, let’s take a look back now at that full uncut scene.

[Cut to Steve and Lauren, a black&white movie clip from ‘To Have and Have Not’]

Steve: What are you doing here? I thought you said you were going to bed.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Steve, most times I know just what to say. [Cut to Steve and Lauren. Lauren walks to Steve and sits on his lap] The other times, the other times—you’re just a stinger.

[They kiss, just touching each other’s face][Lauren stands up]

Steve: Why did you do that for?

Lauren: I wanted to see if I’d like it. You don’t have to act with me, Steve. You don’t have to say anything and you don’t have to do anything. Well, maybe just whistle. You do know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow. [Lauren tries to whistle but can’t] Good night. [Lauren leaves the room] [Cut to Steve]

Steve: All right.

[The door knocks. Cut to Lauren comes in again.]

Lauren: Hey, Steve, can I came back in?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: If you want to.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Yes, I feel like, maybe I’m being crazy, but was that whistle weird?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Well, I clocked it for sure.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I’ve actually never whistled before. I thought it would be intuitive. But it’s pretty hard.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: What kind of a man would I be if I turned down a dame like you over something like that?

[Cut to Steve and Lauren]

Lauren: Good. Now, I really should go to bed. And I’m just right down the hall, just a whistle away. [Cut to Lauren] You know how, right?

Steve: Yes I do.

Lauren: You just put your two lips together and blow. [Lauren tries to whistle, but instead she spits] [Cut to Steve is unimpressed] Wait, no, no. [Cut to Lauren] Wait, I got it. I got it. [Lauren tries to whistle but still can’t] Am I whistling yet?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No, no. Of course not.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: All right, well, seems like progress. Okay, good night. [Lauren leaves the room] [Cut to Steve]

Steve: Yikes. I still want to get with her, but I’m worried I’ll get in trouble.

[Door knocks. Cut to Lauren coming in again.]

Lauren: Hi, it’s me again, just from before.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: You don’t have to explain who you are.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I think I’m just really nervous. I basically just invited you to come to my room and do me in exchange for a boat ride out of here.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: That’s okay. Maybe you should just go to bed.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: All right. I will. But if you need me, I’m right down the hall. You don’t even have to whistle. [Cut to Steve and Lauren] You could just sing a little tune. You know how to sing a little tine, don’t you? [Lauren starts singing funny]

Steve: Okay, you get out of here.

Lauren: Okay. Maybe I’m gay. What do you think? No. I’m putting you on the spot. You’re not a doctor. Not that I need a doctor. Do you know any? I’m kidding. Good night.

Steve: Oh, my god. Good night.

Lauren: Well, aren’t we fickle.

Steve: Now don’t ramp up for another whole thing.

Lauren: Okay. Well, I just wanted to tell you that you are a little stinker. If you want a little stink, you know where to find me. You just follow that nose all the way down to that stink. I should go to school. What am I doing? I don’t know why I said that. This whole thing has been a performance. Look, if you want me, just shimmy on down the hall. You do know how to shimmy, don’t you? You go like – [Lauren starts acting weird]

Bodega Bathroom | Season 44 Episode 14


John Mulaney…

Carlie… Pete Davidson

Chris Redd

Bodega Cat… Kenan Thompson

Cockroaches… Cecily strong, Melissa Villaseñor

Bodega Virgin Mary Candle… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with video clip of Big Nick’s Bodega store] [Cut to Chris Redd, John Mulaney and Charlie inside the store]

Chris Redd: Just skills, and do you have a bottle of water?

John Mulaney: Sure. You want it super-hot, or solid block of ice?

Chris Redd: Never mind.

Charlie: Hey man, do you have a bathroom?

[Cut to John Mulaney]

John Mulaney: A what?

[Cut to Chris and Charlie]

Charlie: A bathroom. Like a bathroom I can use.

Chris Redd: Dude, did you just ask to use a bathroom in Bodega?

Charlie: I mean, what? Who cares, it’s an emergency.

[Cut to John Mulaney. John Mulaney shows Charlie the key to the bathroom, chained to a heavy cement block]

John Mulaney: Would you like the key to the bathroom?

[Cut to Chris and Pete]

Chris Redd: Charlie, if you do this I don’t think we can be friends anymore man.

Charlie: Relax dude, it’s just a bathroom. I’m sure it’s fine.

[Cut to John, Chris and Charlie. Charlie takes the key.]

John Mulaney: And so it shall be. Oh Bodega cat, show this man to the bathroom.

[Cut to Bodega Cat]

Bodega Cat: Make a wish. Hold your breath.

Come with me and you’ll be in a world of zero sanitation

Close your eyes and avoid inhalation

[Bodega Cat opens a door and steps in] [Cut to cockroaches near a very dirty toilet commode]

Cockraoches: If you want to view, take a look around and view them

All the sticky stuff is fluids

Want to know for sure put a black light to it

[Cut to Charlie and Chris]

Charlie: Oh my god.

[Cut to Bodega Cat and the cockroaches]

Bodega Cat: That’s right. You’re the first person to use this bathroom that’s not a dog giving birth.

[Cut to Charlie and Chris]

Chris Redd: Man, what kind of creep would let a bathroom get like this?

[John Mulaney joins]

John Mulaney: I did.

[John Mulaney walks to the cockroaches and bodega cat]

Who can sell you condoms and Arizona ice tea

A loosie cigarettes and plantain chips

The bodega man can

Oh the Bodega man can

The bodega man can cause he mixes lots of pills

And calls the tiger sex pills

Bodega Cat: Who can make a rainbow

With cans of boiled meat

Cockroach: The Oreos are Russian and the ATM’s is Chinese       

Everyone: The Bodega man can

Oh the Bodega man can

Dirty Commode: Enough! [Everyone leaves] The child is mine! He took the key, and now he must pay the ultimate price.

[Cut to Charlie, Chris and Bodega Cat]

Bodega Cat: I’m sorry my son. I cannot protect you any longer.

[Cut to the dirty commode]

Dirty Commode: Oh, come on. Feed me, Seymour. Feed me!

[Cut to Bodega Virgin Mary Candle]

Bodega Virgin Mary Candle: Stop!

[Cut to Charlie and Chris]

Chris Redd: Bodega Virgin Mary candles?

[Cut to Bodega Virgin Mary Candle]

Bodega Virgin Mary Candle: That’s right. If no one else will protect the boy, then I will.

And I hope that someday we can erase

The memories of this horrible memory

When he needed a toilet

In a moment of shame

Dirty Commode: If you touch me you’ll understand what’s unhappiness is

Bodega Virgin Mary Candle and the cockroaches: Your worst day has begun

[The dirty commode flies away] [Cut to Charlie, John and Chris]

Charlie: Well, that was both beautiful and disgusting. I think I’ve learned my lesson.

[Charlie tries to give the key back to John]

John Mulaney: Not yet you haven’t.

[Cut to Bodega Virgin Mary Candle]

Bodega Virgin Mary Candle:

Oompa Loompa Doopity Doo

We’ve got a troubling bathroom for you

Oompa Loompa Doopity Dee

We got an F from the C-D-C

What do you get when you sit on that seat

Swine, HPV and a wave of heat

Where are you at getting desperate like that

The sink is a swimming pool of rats

[Cut to  rat on bathroom sink]

Rat: I don’t like the look of it

[Cut to Charlie, John and Chris]

Chris Redd: Wait, wait, wait ,wait, wait. You got Oompa Loompas in your Bodega.

John Mulaney: Oh, no, those are just sour patch kids that have been in the store so long, they came to life.

Charlie: Hey, listen, here’s your key back mister. I decided not to use your bathroom after all.

John Mulaney: No John Mulaney, don’t you see? It’s yours now. The bathroom, the Bodega. I’m leaving it all to you. You passed the test.

Charlie: But, what will I do with it?

[Bodega cat joins]

Bodega Cat: It’s a Bodega John Mulaney. The possibilities are endless. Because there’s –

525,600 items

525,000 unrelated beings..

525,000 flavors of ramen..

How can we sell you one loose beer

[Everyone starts joining]

There’s shampoo and hot-dogs

And the worst ever cup of coffee
And tampons on the top shelf

There’s a guy who doesn’t work here

[Cut to Beck Bennett smoking and watching football] Just sitting and watching soccer

[Cut to everyone] And chargers but they’re only for an iPhone three
And what about flush

that so called flush

just unwrap one

Bodega of Love

What about flush

[Cut to Charlie and Chris]

Charlie: All right, I’ve decided to drop out of NYU and run this Bodega full time!

[Cut to everyone]

Everybody: Yeah!

Bodega of love,

Bodega of love


Weekend Update Pete Davidson & John Mulaney Review Clint Eastwood’s The Mule | Season 44 Episode 10

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

John Mulaney

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: We are so happy to have this next guy back. Here to talk about a very important experience he had over the holidays is Pete Davidson. Hi, Pete. How are you Pete?

[Pete Davidson comes in]

Pete Davidson: I’m great. As you know, I had a really crazy month and [Cut to Pete Davidson] I want to talk about something that matters a lot to me.

[Cut to Colin and Pete]

Colin Jost: Mental health?

Pete Davidson: No. The new Clint Eastwood movie, The Mule.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Colin Jost: You want to talk about The Mule?

Pete Davidson: Colin, yo! It’s unbelievable. Have you guys not seen it?

[Cut to Pete, Colin and Michael]

Colin Jost: No.

Michael Che: No.

Pete Davidson: Morons. Listen, so I’m glad[Cut to Pete Davidson]  I brought someone who saw The Mule with me. It means a lot to us. Comedian and Mule appreciator, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney comes in]

John Mulaney: Michael. Colin. Hi. So, you guys are talking about The Mule?

[Cut to John, Pete and Colin]

Colin Jost: Um, no, basically never, no. I didn’t actually realize you guys hung out together.

John Mulaney: No, we do, but a lot of times [Cut to John and Pete] it looks like I’m Pete’s lawyer.

Pete Davidson: People usually think he’s like an NBA coach and I’m the controversial rookie.

John Mulaney: But, I have been spending time with Pete to try to show him you can have a life in comedy that is not insane. A sober domestic life.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. And after observing John’s life, I publicly threatened suicide. [Pete laughs] I’m sorry. I shouldn’t make that joke. It is funny though.

John Mulaney: Look me in the eye. You are loved by many.

Pete Davidson: Thank you, John. [Pete laughs]

John Mulaney: We are glad you are okay.

Pete Davidson: Okay.

John Mulaney: Now, back to The Mule.

Pete Davidson: Seriously, yeah.

John Mulaney: We went to see The Mule on opening day.

Pete Davidson: We didn’t go in with any expectations.

John Mulaney: This movie was, I dare say, the greatest–

Pete Davidson: Weirdest.

John Mulaney: Most bananas movie ever made.

Pete Davidson: About a 90 year old drug mule.

John Mulaney: You remember when Clint Eastwood berated an empty chair at the republican national convention?

Pete Davidson: It’s like if that was a movie.

John Mulaney: So, in The Mule–

Pete Davidson: The Mule–

John Mulaney: The Mule, Clint stars as a wildly popular botanist.

Pete Davidson: Flower man.

John Mulaney: Who after falling on hard times is hired as a drug mule.

Pete Davidson: At age 90–

John Mulaney: — 90, by a Mexican drug cartel–

Pete Davidson: –run by Andy Garcia.

John Mulaney: He was rude to me at a Lakers game once.

Pete Davidson: I remember that. When we say he is a mule, he drives drugs across state lines. I was hoping I would see him shove drugs up his ass which is what real drug users did.

John Mulaney: And what Pete did on the way to Denver.

Pete Davidson: Yes, because I forgot it was legal.

John Mulaney: I was proud of you for using a condom for once.

Pete Davidson: Yes. Anyway, plowing through, as they say. Clint Eastwood drives hundreds of kilos of drugs across the United States.

John Mulaney: That’s not the weird part.

Pete Davidson: The weird part is that he is 90 and he is driving.

John Mulaney: He is 90. When my grandma turned 90, we bribed the DMV to flunk her on her driving test and they did it.

Pete Davidson: [Pete freaking out] Why aren’t you guys freaking out? He’s old. There’s a scene where he’s driving with no hands and unwrapping an ice-cream sandwich and singing jazz and stuff. It’s insane.

John Mulaney: That’s when we realized that this was a super hero movie for old people about a guy whose super power is that he can drive unsupervised.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. And he’s so good that the head of a drug cartel played And Garcia–

John Mulaney: who was rude at a Laker game once.

Pete Davidson: Yes. I remember that. It’s true. He throws the mule a party for being their best driver ever.

John Mulaney: Fulfilling another elderly grandpa fantasy that a 90 year old white man can do any job better than a Mexican even when the job is Mexican drug trafficking.

Pete Davidson: Oh. We also forgot to mention. 90 year old Clint Eastwood has two threesomes in this movie.

John Mulaney: And he directed it.

Pete Davidson: Two! Two! I don’t think you guys understand. I had one. I guess you probably have none. Right?

John Mulaney: You are correct, sir. But according to The Mule, I have a solid 54 years before that window closes. [Pete Davidson cannot handle his laughter. He leans back and laugh] So look out in 2072 for my wish fulfillment movie, The Mule-Aney. [Cut to cover picture of the movie The Mule-Aney, with John Mulaney’s face] [Cut to John and Pete. Pete is still laughing leaning back] In that movie, I am 90 and I have three ways and Andy Garcia will move his legs so I can get to my seat.

[Cut to John, Pete and Colin]

Colin Jost:  Pete and John Mulaney everyone.

John Mulaney Auditioned for SNL 44 Times | Season 44 Episode 14

John Mulaney

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with video clip of John Mulaney speaking]

John Mulaney: A lot of people know that I was a writer here at Saturday Night Live. What people may not know is I actually auditioned to be on the show a couple of times. It was 44 times.

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 2004]

Hi, John Mulaney. Six foot zero. 165 pounds in the morning!

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in1986]

Hi, John Mulaney. Six foot zero. 165 pounds in the[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 1975]  morning! [John Mulaney makes funny face] This is my first and I assume my only audition for Saturday Night Live is it called? Very nice.

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in1986]

This is my take on the breakfast club. It’s called the brunch club. Why do we have detention? I’ll take the French toast.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: I tried to help him a couple of times with his audition but he got very defensive.

[Cut to John Mulane]

John Mulaney: How can you help me with my audition when you don’t even get what it is I am doing? Do you see my problem?

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in1975]

I do impressions but I don’t try to do the voice. I’m Richard Nixon. I’m the president. I sold out and I’m a crook.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: He never seems to age. I mean, is he like a fresh 31 or stay old 76?

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 2004] [Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 2004]

John Mulaney: This is John Travolta in Lord of the Rings. [Impression] ‘Ey, my precious.’

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 1986]

This is Alex Trebek if he was speed dating– oh, this is Tom’s mustache. One second.

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 1975]

Barbra Streisand doing jogs. “One-naa, one-naa, one-na-na-na”.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Oh yes, one character guy who doesn’t want to get a divorce.

John Mulaney: [Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 1975]

I don’t want to get divorce.

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 1986]

Think about the kids.

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 2004]

I don’t want to get a divorce. It hasn’t changed.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: The guy who wants to get a divorce–

[John Mulaney comes in]

John Mulaney: The guy who doesn’t want to get a divorced.

Kenan Thompson: Hey, what’s up man?

John Mulaney: Nothing man. Good to see you.

Kenan Thompson: You too.

[Cut to John Mulaney]

John Mulaney: I remember one time Lauren pulled me aside. He said, “We don’t need whatever it is you are.”

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 1986]

I’m sick of bar-tending here at Cheers. Some days I just want to stop.

[Cut to John Mulaney auditioning for the show in 2004]

Because you are the weakest ling. Good bye. I would love to be on the show.

[Cut to John Mulaney]

I think if I play my cards right and host well for a second time, I’m going to get another audition.