Tag: Michael Che

Weekend Update- Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Neil Gorsuch

Colin Jost

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Supreme court is also back in session this week with new Trump appointed justice Neil Gorsuch. Here to comment is liberal justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Let me at ’em. Let me at ’em. Put ’em up.

Colin Jost: You are coming in swinging, justice.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Colin, no, I can’t go on a swing. I’m too tiny. Last time I went on a swing, I ended up in space.

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. So, what do you think of your new colleague, Neil Gorsuch?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Ugh! This new guy, yap-yap-yap-yap-yap. If I knew he was coming in so hot, I would have worn an oven mitt. Which is what I use as a sleeping bed. But, I will say, Colin, it’s nice to have nine justices again, because for the last year, we’ve been a hung jury. Except for justice Alito. That guy legislates from the bench, but he measures from the balls. That’s a Gins-burn! What?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

[Music playing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Alright. Just, well, you might not have a full bench for long coz justice Kennedy says he’s considering retiring. Are you worried about that?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Of course, I am. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] I can’t wait to see the goon Trump brings in next. The honorable justice Steven Seagal? Kennedy was supposed to be our swing vote, right? If he goes, it’s gonna be just Roberts. And if he swing and I’m taking my keys out of the bowl. You smell that? What is that?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I don’t kow.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: What is– it smells like smoke. What is it? It’s a Gins-burn.

[Music playing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Yeah, right. Yes. And Kennedy could be the decisive vote in this big new Gerrymandering decision that’s coming up.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yes. Gerrymandering! [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] Thank you for saying. Look at this. [Ruth Bader Ginsburg pulls out a chart with six lands marked red] Gerrymandering districts. Look at the way the politicians redrew these maps. That’s not a district. That’s a tape worm. They snip. They snip a little here, a little there. Hello, we see what you are doing. It’s like they’re at a cocktail party, they’re taking all the shrimp. And all the democrats are left with this sweaty cheddar. By the way, sweaty cheddar is what they call Steve Bannon in college. Ouch! That’s a nasty Gins-burn!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

[Music playing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Wow! You blew your glasses off. That’s amazing.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: At my age.

Colin Jost: It does seem like you are in good spirits, justice.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: I got to be, Colin. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] The supreme court justice is the only job where people openly place bets on when you’re going to croak. Well, jokes on you. I made a deal with our female god that I would trade height for years. So, by 2095, I’m going to be the size of a play mobile but I’ll still gonna be kicking ass and taking Boniva.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, you are determined to stay and fight?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yeah. Who else is going to do it? [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] It’s always a woman. It just goes with the territory when you have got Yavoa. Or in my case, two little oxygen masks like they’ve got on an airplane. They look empty and they only drop down in an emergency. That’s a self-Gins-burn. Hello.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

[Music playing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Justice Rugh Bader Ginsburg, everyone.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Mental Health

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: There has also been a national conversation this week about mental health. Here to share his thoughts on this topic is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Oh! Thank you. Hey, Colin. Thanks. Um, well, as some of you may know, [Cut to Pete Davidson] I was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. A form of depression. Depression affects more than like, 16 million people in this country. And there’s no like, cure per say. But for anyone dealing with it, there are treatments that can help. Like, first of all, if you think you are depressed, see a doctor and talk to them about medication.Also, be healthy. Eating right and exercise can make a huge difference. And finally, if you are in the cast of a late night comedy show, it might help if they, you know, do more of your sketches.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Wait, are you saying that you are depressed because you are not getting enough air time?

Pete Davidson: Oh, no, no, no. I was born depressed. But it might make me feel better if I was on TV more.

Colin Jost: I don’t know if this is maybe the best solution.

Pete Davidson: I mean, it’s worth a shot. I mean, come on! [Cut to Pete Davidson] This show is like eight hours long and there is fifty sketches a week. It seems weird you wouldn’t use one of them to fight mental illness. But I guess that’s not your style.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. But maybe one approach would be to write more sketches for yourself, Pete.

Pete Davidson: That won’t work. [Cut to Pete Davidson] My sketches suck because they’re all written by a depressed person. Lorne said that.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, it’s sort of like a chicken and the egg thing.

Pete Davidson: Exactly. [Cut to Pete Davidson] In fact, chicken and the egg was also one of my sketch ideas that got rejected. It was about a chicken that ate eggs, but it was also about black lives matter.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That sounds terrible.

Pete Davidson: It is. So, I need you to write it for me.

Colin Jost: Wait! You haven’t even written it yet?

Pete Davidson: No! I’m depressed. Look, here, [pulls out a paper] I have a doctor’s note. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I’ll read it.

Colin Jost: For the air time?

Pete Davidson: Yes. [clearing throat] To whom it may concern. Please use Pete in more sketches where he gets to kiss the host. And use more of his rap videos which I hear are actually really good. [Colin Jost and Michael Che laughing] This doctor is good, man!

Colin Jost: Sounds like a real doctor.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Also, he should play Rex Tillerson a lot. Signed, Pete Davidson’s doctor.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That sounds legit. That sounds like a legit– [cheers and applause] Also, I would like to point out Pete, that you like nothing like Rex Tillerson.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: So, give me a mask. Like, what? He looks like a muppet fell in a lake. And that’s just one of the many jokes you will see next week on Pete Davidson’s First Impressions segment.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on the Las Vegas Shooting

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mandalay Bay hotel, Las Vegas at left top corner.]

The investigation into the tragedy in Las Vegas this week has sparked a larger debate in America between people who want common sense gun control and people who are wrong. This shouldn’t be a partisan issue. The guy had 47 guns. No one should own 47 if anything. If you own 47 cats, you are not a responsible pet owner, you’re a crazy cat lady. And unlike with guns, the government will actually come and take your cats away because everyone agrees that’s insane. Also, this guy bought 33 of his guns in the past year and that didn’t set any kind of alert? If I buy $100 worth of Chick-fil-A, I get a text message from my bank that says, “Did you just purchase $100 worth of Chick-fil-A? Please, Colin, tell us this is fraud.” How was no one keeping track of how many guns people own? There is a real law in Texas that says it’s illegal to own more than six dildos. And I get why. No one needs that many. If you have more than six dildos, it’s a clear sign you are training for something awful.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Capitol building at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Why is it so hard to get gun control in this country? I mean, who are these delicate snowflakes that we can’t just tell, “No, you are not allowed to have 40 guns anymore, Earl. From now on, you can have one gun, max, and six bullets. If you can’t hit what you’re shooting with six bullets, then you don’t need to be shooting at it. Learn karate or use your words.” I’m sick of this narrative that Americans just love guns so much. It’s not true. 78% of Americans don’t even own a gun. and 3% of Americans own 50% of all guns in the country. That’s the problem. That whiny 3% that needs to feel secure all the time. That’s why I think we should do a buy-back program. For every gun you trade in, we give you one half inch of penis enlargement. That’s fair. If you trade in 10 guns, you get five more inches. And if women want to trade in their guns, don’t. Keep your guns, because you’re probably going to need them to fight all of those men in spandex fighting to show off their brand-new eight inch penises.

[Picture changes to Paul Ryan]

of the house, Paul Ryan said that he wants congress to look into some proposals for gun control. But first, he wants to look into this briefcase from the NRA. [Picture changes to a briefcase filled with money] We have got to do something about the guns in this country. And I know about the second amendment. I know you think you need your gun to protect you from the government. I have noticed the people that bring up the second amendment all the time are always the same people that preach, “Respect law enforcement. Support the troops.” Meanwhile, they have a closet full of weapons because they think the same troops are gonna come and drive their house away. It’s hypocritical. It’s like saying, “I love my wife. I trust my wife. But I swear to god, that sneaky bitch is coming for me.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In other news, president Trump finally arrived in Puerto Rico this week. And let’s just say, problem solved.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump throwing toilet papers to the public]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Nothing says “I understand the gravity of the situation” like a billionaire tossing six rolls of paper towels to hurricane victims. Watching this, you know I realized Trump might not be the best president, but he would be the best mascot. Just let him go nuts like the Philly Phanatic throwing free stuff to fans, cruising around on a four wheeler, mocking other countries while he shakes that big old butt around.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Jeff Sessions.]

Meanwhile, attorney general Jeff Sessions is no ending an Obama policy protecting transgender employees from discrimination. Clearly, Trump and Sessions only care about reversing this policy because Obama created it. What we need to do is convince these guys that Obama wrote the second amendment to protect guns. The next day, Trump will be tossing guns into the ocean like paper towels.

[Michael Che laughing]

Weekend Update on AIM Shutting Down

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of America Online logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: AOL has announced that their long-running instant messenger service will shut down for good in December. AOL’s announcement said simply–

Recorded robot voice: Good bye.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The world’s heaviest woman died this week. The world’s heaviest woman was best known for her catch phrase, “Stop calling me that!”

[Picture changes to OJ Simpson and McDonald’s logo]

For OJ Simpson’s first meal after being released from prison, he had two double quarter pounder meals from McDonald’s. Which explains the new slogan for Burger King.

[Cut to Burger King commercial]

Male voice: Burger King. OJ eats at McDonald’s!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of medical pills at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The White House is expected to soon roll back the federal requirement for employers to include birth control coverage in their health insurance. Which is just ridiculous. I mean, of all the goofy nonsense that employers do pay for, cookie cakes, tote bags, office parties, you can’t also spring $10 a month for birth control? I mean, how about just skip one bagel Friday so that Karen in accounting doesn’t have to take a maternity leave every time she raw dogs her husband? Karen in accounting begged me not to tell that joke. How could any guy even be against birth control if it makes better sex and no kids? We don’t even get any of the side effects. Women do. And they’re fine with it. Honestly, I don’t know how we’re getting away with this. It knocks their entire chemistry out of whack. Women are basically putting their bodies through global warming just so I can keep pretending to have a latex allergy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a mobile phone and mosquitos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s horrible. LG has introduced a new smart phone that emits ultrasonic waves which it says will keep mosquitos away… from your new brain tumor.

[Picture changes to a pie chart]

A new survey finds that half of Americans think that in the future, having sex with a robot will be normal. While the other half are women.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking October, 2017 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: October is a national sarcasm awareness. Cool!

Weekend Update- Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Dating

Colin Jost

The Guy… Alex Moffatt

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, fall is here. But the weather in New York has been unseasonably warm. Here to give us late summer dating advice is a guy who just bought a boat.

The guy: Hey. Ha-ha. Yeah.

Colin Jost: Welcome back.

The guy: Hey, Cojo, LL cool Jost, CJ one. Relax bro. Just a nickname. A little rib for their pleasure. Uh, very tight to be back. Thank you.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No, it’s great to have you. Do you have any, like, dating advice?

The guy: Jost. First step fellas, [Cut to The guy] you’re gonna want to rock a quality frag, okay? We’re talking cologne, Jost. [Cut to The guy and Colin Jost] Um, you got your arm kroms, your T hill frigs, your axe boast spra, [Cut to The guy] Anything that will turn her nose into a yes (no into yes). I have a small penis. Now, let’s talk realistic for your deal date. It’s all about locatio, locatio, locatio. Your best bet, a yeah, it’s gonna be a rue taba.

[Cut to The guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What?

The guy: A rooftop bar, Colin. It’s like a regular bar but hornier. I’m rotten lay. [Cut to The guy] Now, when it comes to watering hose, nothing gets the hose watering quite like floor numero top. O2 is your go to and if you really want to drive at home, spring for bottle serves. My dong sucks.

[Cut to The guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait. I’m sorry. What was the last thing you said?

The guy: I said spring for bottle serves and my dong sucks. Try and keep up. It takes a village. [Cut to The guy] Um, but, when it comes to grade A, nobody pops the cork better than my b fam, my bruv from anov mov, please welcome my cousin, the guy who just joined Soho house.

[Cousin slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Cousin: Aye, aye, captain Black Out reporting for booty. Just kidding, Col. Try not to get lost at sea, Jost. Now, as a member of the Soho ho, that’s Soho house, you got to be a member to get in. Now, nothing gets your member in like a scluzi clue.

Colin Jost: A scluzi clue?

Cousin: That’s exclusive club. I have a shameful shnoz. Now, when the weather is unseasonable, she won’t be unreasonable. Rising temps make the ladies want to soak up your vitamin D, mine is legit horrible.

The guy: You wanna set this meat cute with your cute meat and mad D spurring. With the right tudes, comma laddie and longi, comma again. Before you know it, she will be under your duvet saying those magic words, “Is it in yet?”

Cousin: And it usually is.

Colin Jost: This is dating advice for everyone?

The guy: Um, si, seenior compadre. Little espanol for you.

[Cut to The guy and Cousin]

Cousin: Yeah, we picked it up during our semestia-bro-bro in the Barcelonzo. I’m terrible at sex.

The guy: I had to lay low in espanio for a straight senior year.

Cousin: Yeah. We were involved-ish in a vehic man-slaught if you know what I mean.

[Cut to Colin Jost, The guy and Cousin]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, that one I think everyone knows.

The guy: Okay. Man, those euro chicks go loco for a chore easo Americano. I can go three pumps tops. I’ll never forget what that one chick told me abroad my vessel. Two dongo is trasho.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Where did she say that?

The guy: On my boat, Colin!

Colin Jost: On your boat. Two bag wangs, everyone!

The guy and Cousin: We’re everywhere.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Angela Merkel on Reelection

Colin Jost

Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Angela Merkel was reelected as chancellor of Germany for a fourth term and is now the longest serving leader in Europe. Here to comment is German chancellor Angela Merkel.

[Angela Merkel slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Angela Merkel: Yes. I am the winner. Yay! Yay!

Colin Jost: Are you happy that you won?

Angela Merkel: Yes. Of course I’m happy. [Cut to Angela Merkel] Is that not coming across? I have been working on my smile. Yay!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Merkel]

Colin Jost: No. It seems a little tortured.

Angela Merkel: Well, to be honest, Colin, part of me was hoping to retire even though the average retirements age in Germany is 87, [Cut to Angela Merkel] at which point you transition into manual labour. Also, my victory was bitter sweet because the far, far right party won seats in our parliament for the first time since– you know– [mouth gesturing]

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What was that?

Angela Merkel: You know. The– [gibberish]

Colin Jost: Okay, yes, the Nazis. Right, yeah. You seem a little stressed out, chancellor.

Angela Merkel: Oh, thank you.

Colin Jost: No, I mean I’m worried about you. It seems like you are dealing with a lot.

Angela Merkel: Well, tell me about it. [Cut to Angela Merkel] It’s like everyone in Europe is having a Rowdy Slumber party and I’m the mean mom who has to send them straight to bed without their radishes.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Do you have any allies left?

Angela Merkel: No ally. It’s mostly access these days. [Cut to Angela Merkel making faces] Except, except–

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Angela Merkel: Except for that French hunk Macron, ooh-la-la. Get me some diaphragms. I think of him and I’m like, “Obama who?” [looking at the camera] Barack, is it working? Am I making you jealous? Leave Michelle.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. I can tell you’re still a little hung up on president Obama, huh?

Angela Merkel: I know I must accept that it’s over and move on. So, I decided to get rid of everything in my house that reminds me of him. [Angela Merkel pulls out a box] A love letter that I wrote to him but never sent. [reading the letter] “To whom it may concern, I respect you, tepid regards, Merkel.”

Colin Jost: It’s beautiful.

Angela Merkel: [pulls out a CD] A CD I made you but was too shy to give. It’s a mix of all the songs by Creed. [pulls out a picture of her and Obama] A picture of us at the G20 summit. I was cold and you let me borrow your jacket. Turns out we were wearing the same suit. [closes the box and puts it away] I had to stop following him on social media so I wouldn’t be tempted to slide into his DMs. One night, I had one too many shots… one. And I sent him a picture of my bare knee. He wrote back, “Is that a peeled potato?”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. It’s got to be hard to go from Obama to Trump. I heard Trump didn’t even call you. He had four days to congratulate you.

[Cut to Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Dis muta fuka. Four days. [yelling] Four days! Which in Germany is like 20 business days. Finally, I sent him a tiny email. I was like, “Are you going to say anything?” And he was like, “Oh, sorry, Just saw this, didn’t have my phone.” And I was like, “That feeling when he doesn’t text you back, but you see him tweeting.”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, chancellor, I hope you find some time after your victory to relax and have fun. I mean, Halloween’s right around the corner.

Angela Merkel: Ah! Yes, yes. I already know what my costume will be. [Cut to Angela Merkel] I’ll be going as slutty Angela Merkel. That’s me, but with a hat.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Angela Merkel, everyone!

Weekend Update on Hurricane Maria

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Thank you.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Puerto Rican flag at left top corner.]

Well, after president Trump was criticized for a terrible response to Hurricane Maria, this morning he finally gave the people of Puerto Rico what they needed most. A bunch of tweets straight up calling them lazy. Trump said that the people of Puerto Rico “Want everything to be done for them.” Then he told his caddy to repair his difficulty and drive him to the next hole.

Hey, Trump always said he was going to get things done faster than any other president. Now, I believe him. It took George W. Bush five years to get his Katrina.

Meanwhile, rapper Pitbull [picture changes to rapper Pitbull] has loaned out his private jet to help rescue people in Puerto Rico. Wow, if only Donald Trump knew someone with a private jet. How is the president of United States worse at humanitarian aid than Pitbull? And you know Pitbull was doing it while also featuring on four different trckas and hosting Foam partis for bud light. Trump is busy doing the real work. Making excuses while half explaining what an island is. Just watch.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: This is an island surrounded by water, big water, ocean water.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What are you talking about? It’s not a treacherous journey. It’s Puerto Rico. Not skull island. Cruise ships full of retired aunts go there all the time. I think Trump is working of one of those old sailor maps with sea monsters on it.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Puerto Rican flag at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: After mayor of San Juan criticized the government’s Puerto Rican relief efforts, president Trump attacked her on twitter saying, “The mayor of San Juan, who was very complimentary only a few days ago has now been told by the democrats that you must be nasty to Trump.” Oh, really, Donald? You bitch. Was she nasty to you? How nasty? Are you shaking? Do you want to smoke a Virginia slim until your hand stops moving? This isn’t that complicated issue, man. It’s a hurricane relief. These people need help. You just did this very same thing for white people, twice. Do the same thing. Go tell Melania to put on her flood heels, get some bottled water, some food, pack up some extra Atlanta Falcons super bowl t-shirts, write them a check with our money, you cheap cracker! You know, in one month you have mishandled Puerto Rico, Daca, the NFL. It’s like whenever anybody darker than your golf pants has problem, you are thinking, “How can I make this worse?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Tom Price at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Health and human services secretary Tom Price was forced to resign yesterday after he was caught using almost a million dollars in taxpayer money to fly on private jets. Yeah, that’s cool you resigned an all, but how about you pay us back the money? You can’t walk into a store and do a million dollars worth of damage and then be like, “Okay, I get it. I’ll leave.” No, man! Pay us. Besides, you can make that million back when you publish your memoir, “Oh, the places you’ll go in a government funded private jet.”

Michael Che: It’s a good book.

Colin Jost: It’s a long title, but a great one. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] This week, president Trump also continued his criticism of NLF players who took a knee during the national anthem. I guess Trump thought, “Well, CNN and MSNBC already hate me. How can I get ESPN to hate me too?” I’m worried it’s not gonna stop with the ESPN though. Next, he’s going to tweet a Nickelodeon that they need to show us Dora’s papers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Adam Silver at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The commissioner of the NBA said that he expected players to follow league rules and stand during the national anthem. Okay, the NBA is what? 130-140% black? What exactly are you gonna do if they all decide to kneel? Have a game between New York Porzingis and the San Antonio Ginobili? How did this guy even get to be the commissioner of the NBA anyway? He looks like somebody put a suit on a sex toy. You know, it’s hard to ask black players to respect the flag when we know that this country cares more abut it than us. Okay? And we love flag. It’s just that white guys really love the flag. The only people I’ve seen love their flag more than white dudes are gay guys and the bloods. And it’s not personal. You just got to understand, there’s 50 stars on the American flag. But black people, we only feel welcome in like, eight. Some of them stars, we still don’t know too much about. That’s why if you ask a black person does he love America, he will be like, “Hey, I love Brooklyn. I’m still reserving judgement on the Dakotas.”

Weekend Update on GOP Healthcare Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of republican logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: There was no vote on the healthcare bill which means that the Obamacare repeal is officially dead. But is it? It’s been dead like three times already and it keeps coming back like a Jason movie. You know, at this rate, we’re only a few years way from “Freddy vs. Healthcare” which really scares the hell out of me because we all know who dies first in those movies.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hugh Hefner at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Not me. [Michael Che laughing] Playboy founder Hugh Hefner passed away this week at the age of 91. He will be buried in a folder marked ‘Work Stuff’. [Picture changes to a computer folder named ‘work stuff’.]

[Picture changes to a calendar marking October of 2017.]

October is blindness awareness month. So, don’t forget to say you are wearing a ribbon.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of a car and map of Saudi Arabia at right top corner.]

Michael Che: They’re not going to see this. [Colin Jost laughing] Saudi Arabia announced on Tuesday that it would begin allowing women to drive. Wow, that’s only a few short years after cars were allowed drive themselves.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of sewer at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Maintenance workers in Baltimore say they have cleared a 140 ton of fatberg from the sewer system which is made up of congealed fat and waste that will not break down. Good news, Baltimore, the McRib is back. [Picture changes to McDonald’s McRib.]

[Picture changes to Hostess packet snack called Ding Dongs]

And Hostess is unveiling new flavors of their snack cakes including white fudge Ding Dongs. Coincidentally, white fudge Ding Dongs is what they call Weekend Update in China.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Caduceus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I don’t know who that’s more racist to. A new report shows that 2016 had the highest number of sexually transmitted diseases ever reported. Beating the record previously held by Kid Rock.

Wingman

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Dwayne Johnson

Carlos… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Dwayne sitting at a bar.]

Bartender: Hey, another round, boss?

Dwayne: Um, yeah, I guess I could do one more.

Bartender: You’ve got it.

Dwayne: Thank you.

[Dwayne is looking at a girl at the next table]

Bartender: Looks like she’s alone. You should go talk to her.

Dwayne: Oh, whoa! No no, no, no, no. No way, Jose. I can’t.

Bartender: Why? You married or something?

Dwayne: No, I’m just not good at approaching women. I get so nervous. I always mess it up. I men, my gosh. She’s beautiful, though.

Bartender: I’ll tell you what, I’m the perfect wingman. I’ll go over there and put in a good word for you.

Dwayne: Oh, no man! It’s okay. That’s too embarrassing.

Bartender: Come on! Come on!

Dwayne: No, no, no.

Bartender: Trust me. I got this.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Good news, my friend.

Dwayne: What did she say?

Bartender: She’s into it. Yeah. She wants to have a threesome with us.

Dwayne: Hey! Wait, what?

Bartender: I made it happen. She’s into the threesome idea.

Dwayne: Wait, wait. What threesome idea? I don’t even know you.

Bartender: Oh! You don’t know her either. What’s the difference? She wants to hook up.

Dwayne: Okay. Well, tell her I want to hook up with her, but not a threesome.

Bartender: Alright! Alright! Okay. I’ll see what she says.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Alright, all cleared up. She’s willing to have sex with us one at a time, but says I get to go first.

Dwayne: What? Why do you keep putting yourself into this?

Bartender: Dude, I’m trying to wing you, man. You said you’re bad with women.

Dwayne: Okay, okay. Look, no offense but I’m only interested if she’s just her and me, not you.

Bartender: Uh, are you sure? That might piss her off.

Dwayne: Yeah, I’m sure. I’m positive.

Bartender: Okay. Your funeral.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again. It seems like the girl actually likes it better.]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: She’s not into it, man.

Dwayne: Really? Well, she was nodding a lot.

Bartender: Yeah, she said it has to be a threesome or one at a time with me going first and then again right after you.

Dwayne: What? No! No!

Bartender: Okay. Okay. Okay. Let’s see who else is in here.

Dwayne: No, no, no. Just forget it. Go away. No. No.

Bartender: Come on. Dude, hang on. I’m the wingman. I want to hook you up. [another girl walks in to the bar] Whoa, whoa, hang on. The redhead over there. She’s definitely into you.

[the girl is looking at Dwayne and smiling]

Dwayne: She is so hot.

Bartender: Say no more. I’ll go over and ask if she wants to do a threesome.

Dwayne: No, no. I don’t want a threesome.

Bartender: Okay. Okay. No threesomes.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Dwayne: What happened?

Bartender: She said she would only sleep with you if her girlfriend could join in too. But I told her you don’t do threesomes.

Dwayne: No, wait! No! No! Dude, go back there and tell them yes.

Bartender: Oh, so now you’re into it?

Dwayne: Yes, I’m into it! It’s two girls. Of course I’m into it.

Bartender: Okay. Okay. Let me wing this.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Okay. She said she’ll have a fivesome with us.

Dwayne: What? What’s a fivesome?

Bartender: You know. A five some. You and me, her and her girl and Carlos.

Dwayne: Who is Carlos?

[Carlos is standing behind Dwayne]

Carlos: Hey!

Dwayne: No, dude. No. Just forget it. Forget about it.

Bartender: Come on. I feel bad. I messed up. Give me one more shot.

[Bartender walks to another girl and they whisper to each other again]

[Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Okay, she’s into it.

Dwayne: Hey, just me and her?

Bartender: No, her and him.

Carlos: Hey!

Bartender: Yeah. You know, what can I say? Wingman strikes again. Ha-ha!

Weekend Update- Dawn Lazarus on Memorial Day Weekend

Michael Che

Dawn Lazarus… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, memorial day weekend is approaching. Here with the look at the early summer weather is our own Weekend Update meteorologist, Dawn Lazarus.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus in her weather news set]

[cheers and applause]

Dawn Lazarus: Well, Michael, here comes that summer and ooh, it’s a fun one.

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Oh, Dawn, your’e back already? You were just here and it really didn’t work out.

Dawn Lazarus: Hey, it’s the last show and I’m going to sneak that in.

Michael Che: Are you okay? It’s kind of hard to understand you.

Dawn Lazarus: Yeah. That camera-camera make it nervous and yeah?

Michael Che: Am, okay, Dawn, is it looking nice for memorial day weekend?

Dawn Lazarus: The better believe that. [Cut to Dawn Lazarus] While it’s time to pack at that sunscreen and protect those skins because yeah, it’s hot and hot. So if it’s beach and park, stay hydrated and water that mouth.

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Okay, so far it seems like you’re saying it will be sunny.

Dawn Lazarus: Yep.

Michael Che: Any other specifics like the entire country’s gonna be sunny or —

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Well, in the west coast that’s no surprise. Sun is always a wow. But hey, if it’s north are you, that’s looking a lot of bit in overcast. But hopefully, no god damn rain. And that’s the cast for you.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. I’m sorry. But I really didn’t catch any of that. [Cut to Dawn Lazarus’s set. She’s not there] Dawn? Dawn?

[Dawn Lazarus walks back]

Dawn Lazarus: Ep?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: So, I guess you’re done? You’re not going to sign off?

Dawn Lazarus: Oops, and that’s what happened in your neck of the what.

Michael Che: Alright. Dawn Lazarus, everybody! She is better. Much better.