I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Cecily Strong

Santa Claus… Beck Bennett

Dad… Mikey Day

Mom… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a girl looking at her mother and Santa kissing] [music playing]

Cecily: ♪ I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus
♪underneath the mistletoe last night

♪she didn’t see me creep downstairs to have a peak
♪she thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep

♪oh, what a laugh it would have been
♪if daddy had only seen

♪mommy kissing Santa Claus last night
♪turns out that kissing mom had Santa Claus

[Cut to Mikey watching Scarlett and Santa kissing]

underneath the mistletoe that night
♪I thought that he’d be mad

♪or just be kind of sad
♪but he just sat there watching them and only said,

Dad: Not bad.

Cecily: ♪By now, I can tell that Santa Claus

[Santa backing off from kissing]

♪regretted getting himself mixed up in this
♪he said that he should probably roll
♪but mommy said

Mom: No, wait, asshole!

Cecily: ♪He had done half the stuff that was in the posting on Craiglist
♪but Santa said they’d better pay in full
♪or he’d tell the friends what they did behind closed doors

[Mikey strangles the Santa]

♪I couldn’t believe my eyes
♪my mom and dad just killed some guy
♪then I realized the chokehold was just part of the script—
♪and then Santa stood up and thanked them both

♪and asked them if they were both satisfied
♪mom and dad said they had a blast
♪and gave him thousand cash
♪and walked him to his Nissan parked right outside

[Cut to Cecily laying in bed]

♪then I laid in bed thinking about
♪how much I really don’t know mom and dad
♪but the weirdest thing I think
♪isn’t my parents kink

♪it’s the fact that I sat watching them for as long as I have
♪oh, well, I guess we all need to have a thing
♪mine seems to be watching people private life
♪and at least now that I know
♪I can keep it under control
♪that my mommy kissed Santa Claus last night

Hot Tub Christmas

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Cecily Strong

Scarlett Johansson

Big Jim… Niall Horan

[Starts with a clip of Radisson hotel]

Chris: Honey, come on. The coast is clear.

[Cut to Chris and Ego in a indoor pool]

Ego: Oh, my gosh! This is so crazy. The sign says it’s after hours for the hot tub

Chris: Yeah, well. It also says you can’t go in if you’ve had diarrhea in the past two weeks.

Ego: What are you implying, mister?

Chris: You know you did. Now, get in here rule breaker.

Ego: Okay, you are going to get us kicked out of the Radisson select.

[unknown laughter]

Ego: Honey what is that?

[Two women’s spirit appear]

Cecily: Hi, y’all.

Scarlett: Hi.

Chris: Are you spirits?

[Cut to Cecily and Scarlett]

Cecily: Oh, you mean like ghosts? Yeah.

Scarlett: Yeah, go ahead. Put your hand through my face.

[Cut to everybody. Ego tries tries to touch Scarlett]

Scarlett: Ah! I’m kidding.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Ego: Honey, I bet they’re gonna teach us some kind of Christmas lesson.

Chris: Yeah, like show us the error of our ways.

Ego: Like that classic Christmas story.

Chris: Oh yeah, what was it? Like the Muppet Christmas carol?

[Cut to Cecily and Scarlett]

Cecily: Oh gosh. I wish. I love Muppets.

Scarlett: No, we’re just two dead strippers that get to haunt this hot tub every Christmas.

[Cut to everybody]

Ego: You’re strippers?

Scarlett: We were.

Cecily: We’re dead now.

Scarlett: Yeah. We worked at Big Jim’s Jug, Rug and Tug Join across the street from the family chicken restaurant.

[cut to Chris and Ego]

Ego: So, how did you two pass?

Ego: Honey, that’s rude.

[Cut to Cecily and Scarlett]

Scarlett: No, it’s okay. There’s a song about it.

[music playing]

It was Christmas at the strip club

Cecily: Back in Chris97Cecily

Both: Big Jim closed up early

so we could trim the stripper tree

Scarlett: We gathered all our pasties

and set them on each limb

Both: Then big Jim made his annual joke

about getting Christmas trim

Cecily: We took our Christmas Quaaludes

Scarlett: having fun just hanging round

Both: we said is it safe to swim on qualudes

there is only one way to find out

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: Oh, it’s starting to sound like they did something dumb.

[Cut to Cecily and Scarlett]

Scarlett: So, we sneaked into this hot tub

Cecily: On this crystal Christmas night

Both: We said let’s do something funny

and have chicken fight

Cecily: I got on the bottom

Scarlett: And I got on the top.

[Spirit of Niall Horan appears]

Bim Jim: And I got up on both of them

while they both just shouted stop.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Ego: Who are you?

Bim Jim: I’m big Jim.

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Big?

Scarlett: No, no. It’s a funny name.

Cecily: Yeah, like when you call a big fat guys, Tiny.

Ego: Okay, so you’re dead too?

Chris: Honey?

Bim Jim: I don’t mind it. It’s in the song.

Scarlett: Yeah, let’s get back to it.

[Cut to Cecily, Scarlett and Bim Jim]

Bim Jim: So, I sat on top of the chicken

but it felt like something was wrong

Then I noticed the girls went under

but they were down there far too long

Both: So we popped out of the water

to play a joke on Jim

All: But our forehead hit Jim’s forehead

and we all sunk down again

then we had a staring contest

underneath the hot tub foam

but we swallowed too much water

and now this hot tub is our forever home

Cecily: Did you get what happened in the song?

Scarlett: We drowned in.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: So the three of you drowned having staring contest?

[Cut to Cecily, Scarlett and Bim Jim]

Scarlett: Yeah. I guess so. We was just having a good time.

Cecily: That’s the meaning of friendship.

Bim Jim: And hey, isn’t friendship what Christmas is all about?

Scarlett: Hey, don’t y’all ever forget that.

[The clock bell rings]

Well, it’s almost midnight.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: What happens then?

[Cut to Cecily, Scarlett and Bim Jim]

Cecily: Then it’s Christmas and we go back to hell.

Scarlett: Yeah, we only get the one night. Anyway, before we go—

All: [singing]

so here’s out Christmas lesson

the afterlife is long

but we all have to go so why not go with friends

and you’ll never be alone

[song ends]

Scarlett: Oh! And one more thing. That diarrhea you’re having right now, it’s because you’re pregnant.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Ego: Oh, honey.

Chris: You’re having diarrhea right now?

Ego: Yes, but we’re going to have a baby.

[Cut to Cecily, Scarlett and Bim Jim]

Cecily: Congratulations.

[Cut to everybody]

All: Merry Christmas. Bye.

Ego: Oh! I guess they taught us something after all.

Chris: Did they?

Ego: We found out I’m pregnant.

Chris: I would like to get a real doctor to establish that, but hey, get over here. Merry Christmas. I love you.

Ego: I love you, too.

 

Hallmark Dating Show

Emily Cringle… Aidy Bryant

Lauren… Scarlett Johansson

Brian… Beck Bennett

Prince Simon… Alex Moffat

Nick St. Claus… Kyle Mooney

Prince’s friend… Chris Redd

Dad… Mikey Day

[Starts with Hallmark Channel intro]

Narrator: This is the Hallmark Channel. We make thousands of Christmas movies and gifts for teachers. Next up, it’s our all new “Holiday Matchmaking Show.”

[Cut to the show set] [cheers and applause]

Emily Cringle: Hello, I am Emily Cringle and this is Hallmark’s Winter Boyfriend for Holiday Christmas. The only dating show from the makers of Hallmark Holiday movies. Let’s meet our bachelorette. She’s a New York six and a buffalo ten. It’s Lauren.

[Cut to Lauren] Lauren: What’s that, boss? More work? On it. Hi, I have to write a bit article for the paper about how Santa isn’t real. The last thing I’m looking for is a guy.

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: Oh, we’ll see about that. Okay. Let’s meet our Hallmark holiday hunks.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Hi, I’m Brian from your home town. I work at a Christmas tree farm that might get bought out by googisoft computers unless we can come up with the money by Christmas.

[Cut to Prince Simon] Prince Simon: Hello. I’m prince Simon of Caucasia. I’ve negotiated a peace treaty with our neighbors in Asstopia. The only problem is, I can’t sign it unless I’m married by Christmas.

[Cut to Nick St. Claus]

Nick St. Claus: Ho, ho, ho, Lo! I’m Nick St. Claus and I work one day a year. My co-workers are, how do I say this, a little short. I’m not Santa.

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: Wow, those are hunks. Lauren, whoever you pick will join you in the Hallmark gazebo suite where you’ll share a single dry kiss. So, who gets the first question?

Lauren: I’ll start with royalty. Prince Simon, I live in stock footage of New York city that still has the twin towers in it. But Caucasia sounds incredible. What is it like?

[Cut to Prince Simon]

Prince Simon: Well, there’s snowy mountains and we all have British accents, so you know, vague Europe.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Wow. That’s dreamy. Let’s to go Nick. My ex fiancé answered work emails on Christmas which made him the villain. Please, tell me you take Christmas off.

[Cut to Nick St. Claus]

Nick St. Claus: Yeah, that’s going to be a problem because I work in the gift industry. So, it happens to be my busiest time of the year. Ou!

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Okay. That’s Santa. Now, Brian, you’re always saying meaningful phrases and you’re afraid of fire. Be real with me. Are you a ghost?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: That’s right. I’m a hot ghost. And yes, my thing is invisible.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Well, that’s too bad.

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: Well, Lauren, any front-runners?

Lauren: Well, I’m leaning toward the prince but I want to get to know him better.

Emily Cringle: Well, then why don’t we bring in Simon’s friend, the one black person in town.

[Cut to everybody. Prince’s friend walks in.]

Speaker 6: Yo, yo, girl. I’m gonna break it down for you like this. The prince, he’s in love with you. Go get your man.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Thanks. What do you do over the holidays?

[Cut to Speaker 6]

Speaker 6: I clap when he kiss.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Well, what’s your name?

[Cut to Speaker 6]

Speaker 6: I-I-I- I don’t know. Christmas? Leave me alone. I don’t have a back story.

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle] [the bell rings]

Emily Cringle: Oh, and that chime means it’s almost Christmas. If you haven’t chosen someone to marry by then, Christmas is canceled. And the killer goes free. So, it all comes down to this final question.

Lauren: Bachelors, what is this? [Lauren shows a 9 step candle stand] [Cut to the bachelors]

Nick St. Claus: Christmas fork?

Prince Simon: Santa’s trident?

Brian: A dreidel?

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: Judges? Yep, we’ll allow it.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: yeah! I won! I won.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I just don’t know. To give up my job and my very gay friend in the city for things that are actually good like Christmas? And men? If only my dad were here. He always knows what to do.

[Dad walks in]

Dad: Hi, pumpkin.

Lauren: Daddy, you made it.

Dad: Christmas just have never been the same since your mother exploded.

Lauren: Oh, daddy, who do I choose?

Dad: Well, sweetheart, listen to the snow globe.

Lauren: It says choose Christmas? That’s it. I’ll marry Christmas.

Dad: Yes!

[Cut to Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: That’s right. The true reason for Christmas is husband. So, this has been A Winter Boyfriend For Holiday Christmas. I’m Emily Kringle from Hallmark reminding you, stay straight out there.

Celebrity Sighting

Heidi Gardner

Michael… Bowen Yang

Scarlett Johansson

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Fan… Kate McKinnon

Nick… Mikey Day

[Starts with a clip of a nice restaurant]

Hostess: Hi there, welcome to Le Gulle.

Michael: Yes, hi. Table for two, please.

Hostess: Unfortunately we’re all booked up, but you can wait at the bar. I can see if something opens up.

Scarlett: Are you sure, Michael? I mean, you know what happens when we eat at restaurants.

Michael: I’m sure nobody will notice. I will wait up at the bar. Thank you so much.

[Michael and Scarlett walk to the bar.]

Bartender: Hey, folks. Wait! Don’t I recognize you from somewhere?

Michael: I think you do. [Michael points at a poster showing what to do when choking]

Bartender: Yeah. Oh, that’s right. You’re the people from the choking poster.

Scarlett: The models, yes. Is there anywhere else that we can wait?

Michael: Baby, if we wait somewhere else, the fans are just going to ask us to come back to the poster for pictures.

Bartender: Uh… the fans?

[Cut to Michael and Scarlett]

Scarlett: Yes. Our poster is in every restaurant and kitchen in the city. We are the Jay-Z and Beyonce of the safety posters. We have fans.

Michael: Babe, he was joking.

[Cut to everybody]

Bartender: I wasn’t.

[Cut to Michael and Scarlett]

Scarlett: Our fans are going to find out that we’re here. We should be safe.

Michael: Okay, you’re right.

Scarlett: Miss!

Hostess: How can I help you?

[Hostess walks in]

Scarlett: We’re obviously a little on display here. So, can we just ask when our fans start coming over, we keep them in single file line.

Hostess: Um, okay.

Scarlett: There is a certain group of people who get very excited around us. I see one now.

[Cut to a fan who is Chef staring at them from the kitchen] [Cut to Michael, Scarlett and the hostess]

Michael: Alright, smile. This is special for her. Hi there. Hi.

[The Chef walks in]

Chef: Wow. I can’t believe you’re here. We have your poster back in the kitchen, too.

Scarlett: Very sweet. Thank you. Would you like a selfie?

Chef: Um, that would be– yes. Okay. Can we do the pose?

Scarlett: Normally we don’t like to bring our work home but we’ll make an exception for you.

[Michael and Scarlett pose like they’re choking] [Chef takes a selfie]

Chef: Well, listen. [Cut to the Chef] Sorry. There was this one time, I was tasting something in the kitchen. I start choking. [Cut to everybody] But my sous came and did what was on the poster and I’m still here today. So, thank you.

Scarlett: It’s amazing.

Michael: That’s so sweet.

[Another fan walks in]

Nick : Oh, my god! I’m sorry. I look at you all day. Can you guys record my voicemail greeting?

Michael: Yeah. No problem.

Nick: I’m Nick by the way.

Michael: Okay. [makes choking sound] Leave a message for Nick.

Nick: Thank you. So awesome.

Scarlett: Where’s the girl who said she could control the situation?

Michael: I don’t know.

[Another fan walks in]

Kyle: Hey, I’m from Donahue’s down the block. I got a text you guys were here.

Scarlett: Oh, they’re texting each other.

Michael: If one kitchen knows we’re here, they all know.

[A lot of people come at Michael and Scarlett as their fans]

Kyle: So, were you really choking in the poster?

Alex: Have you ever choked in real life?

Chris: Would you do the pose?

Scarlett: Michael, I’m starting to get worried. Where’s the girl?

Michael: I don’t know. Oh, my god. There’s more of them.

Everybody: Do the pose! Do the pose!

Scarlett: Oh, my god! Baby, I’m scared. Where’s the girl?

Michael: Okay. Get behind me. I’ll protect you. Everyone, take a step.

[Michael starts choking]

Scarlett: Baby! Oh, my god. He’s choking. He’s choking on his gum.

Fan: Do something.

Scarlett: I don’t know how. I’m just a model.

[The Chef runs in]

Chef: I’ve got this. Come on! Don’t go to sleep.

[Michael spits out the gum]

Scarlett: Oh, my god! You saved him.

Michael: Oh, my god! How can we ever repay you?

Chef: I would like another selfie.

Michael: Oh, you could have already got one.

Scarlett: And we have a lot of fans to meet. Let’s get in a single file line now.

Scarlett: Everyone will get a selfie. Everyone’s gonna get a selfie.

Another Translator

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with three scientists in their lab]

Kyle: On behalf of Inotech research, we’d like to welcome you back to the testing lab.

Mikey: We know our last presentation of X5 mind reading device was not exactly successful.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex: No, it was not. It was bad.

Cecily: Very bad.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Yes, we are aware. Rest assured that all the glitches have been fixed. At last we’ll be able to accurately read the thoughts of common household pets.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex: Heard that before.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Now, today’s test subject is my own dog, Max.

[Cut to a pug with a device hat on his head]

So, with your permission let’s begin.

[Cut to everybody] [The scientists are working on their devices]

Mikey: We have mind link.

[Cut to the scientists]

Scarlett: Max, can you hear me?

[Cut to Max]

Max: Woof, woof! Just kidding! It’s me, Max.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: How are you feeling?

[Cut to Max]

Max: Great.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Why is that Max?

[Cut to Max]

Max: Because Trump is getting impeached.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh! That’s better.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Too bad it means he’s going to get reelected for sure. Good job, dummies!

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Cecily: What?

[Cut to the scientists]

Scarlett: Max, no. Where did you hear that?

[Cut to Max]

Max: On fox news. Your parents let me watch when they baby sit me.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Oh, my god. That’s not true. There’s a mountain of evidence against trump.

[Cut to Max]

Max: And name one conservative whose mind has been changed by any of it. Oh, right. You don’t know any.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: I know conservatives. My cousin Tina.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Oh, right. Tina, that you blocked on all social media accounts. You’re real close.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Cecily: All right, what is going on with that dog?

[Cut to the scientists]

Scarlett: Nothing. He’s fine. Max, people have no reason to think that Trump is a good president.

[Cut to Max]

Max: [coughs] The economy. [coughs] Unemployment. [coughs] Stockmarket. Sorry, my Kennel cough is coming up.

[Cut to the scientists]

Mikey: Yikes! Burn!

Scarlett: Max, Trump is a crook.

[Cut to Max]

Max: No Doubt. But he’s playing a game the democrats don’t even know the rules to. And I hate to quote Charlie Sheen here but he’s winning.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Max, you’re just a dog. You don’t even know what we are talking about. You eat your own poop.

[Cut to Max]

Max: And you ate pizza crust out of the garbage last night. She thought she was being good by throwing it away and ten minutes later she’s digging for it.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: We have no choice but to impeach. He’ll try to steal the next election.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Like you stole my testicles? I’m still mad about that. Here’s an actual experiment. Everyone say out loud the democratic hopeful they’re most excited about.

[The people are not sure of any candidate] [Cut to Max]

Max: Yeah. Terrific. Can’t wait for November.

[Cut to Scarlett]

Scarlett: Max. That’s enough. You’re just pretending you still like Trump because you’re too embarrassed to admit how awful he is.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Oh, is Rachel Maddow in the room? Please, lecture me some more. It’s working.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex: Hey, Maddow is America’s sweetheart, you dumb pug.

[Cut to Max]

Max: Don’t you worry that history will look back on this moment and we’ll be embarrassed?

[Cut to Max]

Max: If you want to talk embarrassing history, let’s look at your web browser.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Both: Oh!

[Cut to Scarlett with Max]

Scarlett: Max, you’re my best friend. I had no idea you felt like this.

Max: Well, you tend to do all the talking in the relationship.

Scarlett: No more Fox news. But I hear what you’re saying. Shake and  make up?

Max: Sure.

Scarlett: Well, that concludes our presentation. What did you think?

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Cecily: Hated it.

Alex: Funding revoked.

[Cut to Scarlett with Max]

Scarlett: No, please, wait, let’s try other test sub. Fire up the machine.

[Cut to a piglet]

Piglet: Tulsi Gabbard, 2020!

Scarlett: Dammit!

A Conway Marriage Story

Therapist… Scarlett Johansson

George Conway… Beck Bennett

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

News host… Alex Moffat

[Starts with a therapist talking to a couple] Therapist: Alright, so I’m familiar with some of the differences of opinion that you’ve had publicly. I want to know what you love about each other. So, why don’t you two read your list. George, would you like to start?

[Cut to the couple]

George Conway: Okay.

Kellyanne Conway: Go ahead, babe.

George Conway: What I love about Kellyanne. [Cut to the couple laughing in a restaurant] She works so hard for her boss even though I hate his guts.

[Cut to Kellyanne reporting news]

Kellyanne Conway: I actually have been to the porter and the democrats are actually lying. The children are not drinking from toilets. [Cut to the news host in his news set] Because they actually did not—

News host: Kellyanne, we are out of time.

[Cut to Kellyanne]

Kellyanne Conway: They can use the corner.

News host: Let’s cut her mic? I don’t know.

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you.

[Cut to George reading newspaper]

What I love about George, he always leaves his coffee mugs around. [His coffee mugs are all anti-Trump] He actually always tells me what he thinks about me to my face.

[Cut to George and Kellyanne having dinner]

George? [George is using his phone] George. Are you mad at me?

George Conway: Oh, no, no, no.

[Kellyanne’s phone beeps. Kellyanne checks, George has tweeted ‘Anyone who works for Trump is a demon.’]

Kellyanne Conway: George? Am I demon?

George Conway: Oh, from what? I can’t tell. I don’t even—I can’t see in here. It’s kind of dark and loud. I think I’m going through a tunnel.

Kellyanne Conway: George Conway. Do not subtweet me at the dinner table, please.

[Cut to Kellyanne treaming George’s hair.]

George Conway: We find ways to spend time together.

Kellyanne Conway: I love our little pet names.

[Cut to George and Kellyanne crossing paths in the hallway]

Kellyanne Conway: Hey loser!

George Conway: Hey wall!

We find ways to keep in touch during the workday.

[George is tweeting ‘Trump is a psychopath’] [Cut to Kellyanne replying that tweet with ‘Hi Hon. We’re out of milk.’]

Kellyanne Conway: I love how my boss called him a stone-cold loser [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet saying ‘George Conway…a stone cold LOSER & husband from hell!’] and husband from hell. I’m sorry, that’s something that George—

George Conway: I love when she does poems on TV.

[Cut to George reading]

Kellyanne Conway: I love that he loves to read the DSM to find out whats wrong my boss.

George Conway: Narcissist, there it is.

[Cut to George and Kellyanne taking selfie in the street[

I love that when Ann Coulter set us up, she thought, “These two are perfect for each other.”

Kellyanne Conway: I love that we agree on the big stuff like small government and no food for the poor.

[George and Kellyanne sees a homeless man]

Both: Get a job.

George Conway: And I know I’m not supposed to but I even love our fights.

[Cut to George and Kellyanne fighting]

George Conway: I feel bad for you.

Kellyanne Conway: You are the one who introduced us, George.

George Conway: I didn’t know he’d be president.

Kellyanne Conway: You’re not even verified on twitter. Where is your blue check, George?

George Conway: Ah!

Kellyanne Conway: Jesus!

News: Jerrold Nadler has just announced articles of impeachment.

[George and Kellyanne are clearing the table to make out] [Cut to George, Kellyanne and the therapist]

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, so do you have what you need for your piece?

Therapist: Piece? Oh, I’m not a reporter. I’m a therapist.

George Conway: Oh, this isn’t for a book?

Therapist: Oh, no. What you say doesn’t leave this room?

Kellyanne Conway: Then why are we doing this? We’re going to go. We have to fight on “The View”.

George Conway: Hon, I got to be done by five for dinner with a Kathy Griffin.

Kellyanne Conway: Don’t get me all hot. Save it for the show!

[Ends]