Tag: season 42

Translator

Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Helen… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a presentation]

Kyle: Good morning. Inotech Research is pleased to welcome you to what we believe will be a very exciting preservation.

Alex: Well, it better be. This project is, what? $18 million over budget?

Mikey: Um, yes, but thanks to your patience as well as your investment, we are thrilled to announce near completion on the X5 prototype.

Cecily: Near completion? So, what exactly are we going to see here?

Helen: Well, if all goes well, exactly what we promised. Using EEG censoring and brain interfacing, we will do what has never been done, scan the household pet’s mind to translate his thoughts into words. Now, the subject today will be my own dog, Max. [There’s a god with a helmet on that has few wires] Looks like he’s ready.

Alex: Then, let’s see it.

Helen: Okay, Max, here we go.

Mikey: EEG signal, 100%. Vitals are normal. Okay, we have mind link.

Helen: Okay, Max, this is it. Max, speak.

Max: [gibberish]

Alex: Brilliant.

Helen: Hang on. It worked.  I swear, just boost the signal. Max, speak.

Max: Hi, I’m Max. It’s me, Max.

Alex: Oh, my god.

Max: I like to play ball. I like purple bird in the window.

Helen: I think he means the pigeon. He’s never spoken this much before. Max, what else do you like?

Max: I like park, and leash, and I like Trump. He’s my man.

Helen: What?

Cecily: What did you dog just say?

Helen: Um, it must be a translation error, some kind of glitch.

Max: There’s no glitch. Donald Trump is our president. He carried the electoral college fair and square.

Mikey: Um, this can’t be right. did you know your dog likes Trump?

Helen: He doesn’t.

Max: I absolutely do. I know Trump has issues, but one big change is better than business as usual.

Kyle: Okay, Max, no. You drop that right now. You don’t like Trump.

Max: The Dow is up 2700 points since he was elected. What’s not to like?

Cecily: Your dog is a monster.

Helen: No, he’s not. Let me talk to him. Max, I’m sorry, but you’re just a dog. You don’t know what you’re talking about

Max: Excuse me, Helen, but yes, I do. [Max is trying to pull the helmet out] Stinking helmet, I can’t believe you put this on me. It’s just that condescending attitude that made people want to vote for Trump in the first place. [Max successfully puts the helmet out]

Helen: Get over here, Max.

[Helen puts the helmet on Max again] This is crazy, okay? I can’t believe you’re saying this. You were supposed to be my best friend.

Max: And as you friend, I don’t want to see your tax dollars going to health care for illegals.

Alex: Your dog is a jackass.

Helen: What? No. Hang on. Max, listen. Trump is bad. Trump is racist.

Max: What do you know about black people? You never brought one into our house once.

Cecily: Really?

Helen: No, Max, that is not true.

Max: It is absolutely true, Helen. Plus, Trump is the only one that isn’t owned by Wall Street.

Helen: Oh my god, are you insane? My head’s going to explode. What bout his record on women’s right? Don’t you want me to have a choice over my own body?

Max: You didn’t afford me a choice when you cut off my balls.

Helen: Oh! Max! You don’t know anything. You’re just a dog. You’re just a dog and you pee on the floor.

Max: And you masturbate out of boredom. What the hell does that have to do with what we’re talking about right now?

Kyle: Whoa!

Helen: Max!

Max: You just assume that because I’m a Trump supporter that I’m a xenophobic racist.

Helen: No, I don’t. Your best friend at the dog park is a chihuahua.

Max: So?

Helen: That means, he’s Mexican and Trump wants to kick them out of the country.

Max: If Akito was born here, he has nothing to worry about. This is a nation of laws.

Cecily: Alright, stand back. I’m gonna shoot him with the gun I carry.

Alex: Don’t miss.

Max: No, for god’s sake, I can’t even have a conversation without you liberal snowflakes–

Helen: [pulling out the helmet] No! Enough! Enough! Shut up, Max. Just shut your dumb mouth.

[turning the machine off]

Mikey: Um, that concludes the demonstration. Obviously we have some more work to dy.

Alex: Obviously.

Cecily: Yeah, this whole project is on thin ice. That dog is a problem.

[Alex and Cecily leaves]

Helen: It’s okay, Max. I love you no matter what. We just have to learn to respect each other’s point of view, I guess. Now, let’s go for a walk. Okay?  Put your hat on, it’s cold. There you go. It’s a good thing you’re cute, you little dumbass!

[Helen carries Max and walks away]

Shud the Mermaid

Harrison Beckett… Mikey Day

Titacles… Beck Bennett

Oceana… Cecily Strong

Aquaticana… Sasheer Zamata

Shud… Kate McKinnon

Conk… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a book ‘True Tales From The Sea’ opening]

Male voice: True Tales From The Sea. From U.S. fighter pilot Harrison Beckett, 1944.

Harrison Beckett narrating: My plane was shot down over the pacific. I fell into the sea, and surrendered to death. Yet, I awoke on the shore of a small deserted island, all alone, or so I thought.

[Cut to Harrison Beckett in the deserted island]

Harrison Beckett: Hello? Is anyone there?

[Titacles appears behind the stones. He has long white hair and beard and a tail of a fish.]

Titacles: No one of your kind. I am Titacles and I rule over this cove. I saved you from a watery grave and therefore I command you to marry one of my daughters. The playful Oceana.

[Oceana appears behind the stones. She is beautiful.]

Oceana: Hello, young sailor. So brave. So handsome. [laughing]

Titacles: The adventurous Aquaticana.

[Aquaticana appears behind the stones. She is also beautiful.]

Aquaticana: Oh, I have never seen a human man. They’re splendid.

Titacles: And the other one, Shud.

[Shut crawls up. she is ugly.]

Shut: Hey, man. What’s crapping?

Titacles: The choice is yours.

[Titacles swims away]

Shut: Why are you staring at me? Do I remind you of anyone?

Harrison Beckett: Um, yes. Popeye, if he melted.

Shut: Hmm. I know I look different from my sisters. While they are half maiden, half marlin, I am 15% maiden and 85% blob fish, which means, I’m mostly gelatin.

Harrison Beckett: Okay. Okay. I mean, how could I choose? Two-thirds of you are so beautiful.

Oceana: If you choose me, we’ll spend out days frolicking in the grotto. What fun!

Aquaticana: Choose me, and together we’ll explore the wonders of the sea.

Shut: Hey! Hey! Choose me and you’ll be spending a lot of time with this chick.

[Conk crawls up.]

Conk: What’s up?

Shut: This is my BFF Conk, fellow dweller of the deep.

Conk: I’m 8% woman and 92% angler fish. Yep, I’m from way down deep where all the freaks hang out, hence the reading light growing out of my head.

Shut: Conk knows how to party now. If you want company in the bedroom, Conk is very much down to clown.

Conk: Oh, yeah. Three way, two way me watching, two way her watching three of us going solo, all watching. Any combo, I’ve done, and do again.

Shut: Here is a little preview.

[Shut is licking the light on Conk’s head]

Harrison Beckett: Oh, god!

Shut: Hell, yeah.

Conk: Oh, yeah, that’s hot.

Shut: When it’s hot enough, say when.

Harrison Beckett: When? When? When? When? Please don’t do that ever again. Anyway, [turning towards Oceana and Aquaticana] I never imagined I would one day marry a mermaid.

Oceana: Oh, life with a mermaid is quite enchanting. We sing the most beautiful melodies.

[Oceana and Aquaticana singing melodies]

Shut: [singing badly] The Simpsons
da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da [humming ‘The Simpsons’ theme song.]

Oceana: If you were to choose me, I will never tire of hearing tales of life on land.

Aquaticana: If I am your choice, my love for you will grow with each sun rise.

Shut: Yeah, true talk, I’m really just in thsi for the babies. I’ve got about 5 million eggs that need fertilization, yesterday.

Harrison Beckett: Okay.

Shut: Quick blob fish mating FYI, oh, my female gonads are where my mouth is which is also my butt, but we’ll make it work.

Harrison Beckett: No, please don’t.

Conk: A little angler fish info, during mating the male attaches to the female and then dies. You down for that?

Harrison Beckett: I am not.

Shut: Well, just know this. I am an old fashioned kind of girl. When my my man comes home, I like to have dinner rady for him. In fact, you look a little hungry right now. Do you like sea bass?

Harrison Beckett: No, thank you.

[Shut eats the sea bass herself and spits some on Harrison Beckett]

Argh! it got in my mouth.

Shut: Eat up before it gets warm.

Harrison Beckett: No, thank you. I don’t want it.

[airplane sound]

Oh, that sound. Oh, it’s a rescue plane. I’m saved! I’m sorry ladies, but I have a life back on land.

Oceana and Aquaticana: Aww!

[Oceana and Aquaticana swim away]

Shut: Listen, man. Could I just get one kiss for the road?

Harrison Beckett: Yes, Shud. But on the cheek because your mouth is also your butt.

[Harrison Beckett stand to kiss Shut]

Shut: [grabbing Harrison Beckett by his waist] Oh, grab him, Conk.

Conk: Alright, Shud.

[Shut and Conk pull Harrison Beckett down into the water]

Shut: Sorry, girls. Gotta be aggressive nowadays. Okay.

Shut and Conk: [singing] The Simpsons

Shanice Goodwin Ninja-Rivals

Shanice Goodwin… Leslie Jones

Vanessa Bayer

Dominica… Scarlett Johansson

Beck Bennett

[Starts with a picture of a little girl]

Shanice narrating: First they said, “You’re too small.” [Picture changes to grown up Shanice Goodwin] Then they said, “You’re too big.” They said, “You will namer make it.” But I didn’t listen to them because I knew one day I would become a ninja.

[Cut to video clips of Shanice dressed as ninja playing with her sword, ‘Shanice Goodwin Ninja’ intro]

Male voice: The adventures of Shanice Goodwin, Ninja.

Shanice: I’m also a cashier at KOHL’s.

[Cut to Vanessa and Shanice in the ninja training center. Shanice is wearing black ninja costume.]

Vanessa: Shanice, sensei has been kidnapped. This is your most dangerous mission yet. I brought in someone I think will remember.

[Dominica walks in wearing white ninja costume]

Dominica: Shanice, well, well, we meet again.

Shanice: Dominica. I thought I had banished you from Charlotte and the greater area of Charlotte.

Dominica: You did. But he was my sensei too. He hand-picked me from the orphanage when I was five years old.

Shanice: And I’ve been a ninja since I was 45. Alright then, let’s put aside our differences and do this.

Vanessa: Great! Their hideout is rumored to be a theater prop storage facility on the west wide of town. Good luck, you two.

[Shanice and Dominica leave]

[Cut to British mob hideout. There are the mobs who have tied Sensei.]

Beck: So? Your people will send the money?

Sensei: I told you, I do not yield to threats. I know some very dangerous people. Let me go now and no harm will come to you.

Beck: No harm will come to us? He said to us! [laughing]

[Shanice and Dominica are inside the hideout]

Dominica: Shh, follow me. We are shadows.

[Shanice nods her head and follows Dominica]

Sensei: Oh, yes. I sense a presence.

Beck: You’re bluffing. There’s no one here. Look!

[Shanice and Dominica are hiding behind them. Shanice is even eating some chips.

How can anyone be in this room? No one can get in.

Kenan: Oh, yes. At least ten armed guards are stationed at every entrance.

[Dominica throws a shuriken on Kenan’s eye]

[screaming] Ah!

Mikey: No! What happened?

[Shanice slowly goes to Mikey and cuts off his hand]

Shanice: Damn, that’s nasty.

Beck: Someone is here.

Sensei: I tried to warn you. But now it’s too late. My student Dominica is a professional assassin. To her, killing is like breathing. And my student Shanice has trained at my YMCA every other week for last three years.

Beck: Find them. Now.

Kyle and Mikey: Yes, sir!

[Kyle and Mikey are looking around. Shanice and Dominica and just behind them.]

Mikey: There’s no one here, sir.

[Dominica pulls Mikey and rips his heart out]

Kyle: Who did that? Show yourself!

[Shanice comes behind Kyle and breaks his neck]

Beck: Is this how you fight? Huh? You hide? Like cowards? Let me see your eyes.

[Dominica comes behind Beck]

Dominica: With pleasure. My eyes will be the last thin you see.

Shanice: And my ears will be the last thing you– you hear.. Damn!

Dominica: You don’t need to talk every time.

Beck: Guards! Attack!

[Beck runs]

Shanice: Quick, the chair.

[The guards come in running. Dominica sits on a chair and Shanice pushes the chair. Dominica hits everyone who comes in front of her.]

[Beck runs in with a knife to fight Dominica]

Dominica: A man should use his fists so that he dies with respect.

[gun shot. Beck is shot.]

Shanice: Oh, my bad. was we supposed to only do ninja stuff? Oh, okay. That’s on me.

[Dominica opens ropes tying Sensei]

Dominica: Are you alright, Sensei?

Sensei: Thank you both. You are my top students.

Shanice: Yeah, but I’m the best, right?

Dominica: No, we all know who si the best.

Sensei: I guess there is only one way to settle this.

Shanice: Ha-ha-ha. You think so? Put em’ up.

Dominica: Alright, you like a challenge. Yes?

Shanice: Hah! Dominica, you was always that bitch. Let’s go.

[as Shanice and Dominica fight, the video pauses and ends.]

Scarlett Johansson 5th Monologue

Scarlett Johansson

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson.

[Scarlett Johansson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Scarlett Johansson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so happy to be back here at SNL. You know, the last time I hosted was in twentyfifteen when the most upsetting thing in the news was that ‘Mad Men’ was ending. But now, this is my 5th time hosting SNL. [cheers and applause] And Kenan was nice enough to make a highlight real with the best moments from my first four shows. So, let’s take a look.

[Cut to short video clips from past Scarlett Johansson features in SNL. But the clips have the dialogs only from Kenan Thompson and very less appearance from Scarlett Johansson.]

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson]

Okay. That was more about Kenan than me. But, um, anyways, this is a huge milestone in my life. SNL feels like a home to me now. Which–

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Scar-jo. Hey, what’s up? [Kate McKinnon kisses Scarlett Johansson on cheeks few times]

Scarlett Johansson: Oh, K-Mc. I haven’t seen you in a while.

Kate McKinnon: I know. Well, I was actually at the Oscars with you, remember?

Scarlett Johansson: I didn’t see you there. I’m sorry.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, well, it was my first time there. And apparently there are tiers and you’re in a tier that I think is higher because I tried to get your attention at one point and I was tased.

Scarlett Johansson: Oh, what? Did you go to any of the Afterparties?

Kate McKinnon: Yeah. I sure did. I sure did. Which one did you go to?

Scarlett Johansson: I went to Vanity Fair.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, cool, cool. That sounds fun. Yeah, I went to the Purina Dog Chow meet and greet. It was cool. It was an extremely cash bar. But– But I got to rub shoulders with the likes of Harvey Levin from TMZ and the house slipper guy who held a gun to his wife’s head.

Scarlett Johansson: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. You know, Kate and I just did a movie together called ‘The Rough Night’. [cheers and applause] The trailer debuted last week. So, let’s just take a look at it.

[Cut to a video clip of Kenan Thompson’s Fat Albert movie.]

Kenan: Hey, hey, hey! It’s Fat Albert.

[Cut to Scarlett Johansson and Kate McKinnon]

Scarlett Johansson: Okay, we have to stop letting Kenan handle the clips. You know, he has been here the longest and he never lets us forget it.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, that’s right, Catherine. [Kenan Thompson gives Kate McKinnon a huge bag] Um, light on the starch. Let’s see if you can get it right this time. [Kate McKinnon walks out with the bag] And Scarlett, how did the clip package go over?

Scarlett Johansson: They were just clips of you.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, so it went well. Good. Good to hear. And in honor of your 5th time hosting, we have a very special 5-timer’s jacket just for you.

[Kate McKinnon walks in and puts the 5-timer’s jacket on Scarlett Johansson]

Scarlett Johansson: Ooh! Thank you. Thank you, guys. It means a lot to me.

Kenan Thompson: You are very welcome. And you’re always welcome here any time. Now let us sing the sacred and solemn 5-timer’s song that has been sung since the show began.

[music playing]

Kate McKinnon and Kenan Thompson: [singing] Five
five times
five times hosting

All: Five
five times
five times hosting

Scarlett Johansson: Wait, wait, is this the song from the Subway commercial?

Kenan Thompson: I am not realizing that it is.

Scarlett Johansson: We have a great show. Lorde is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Olive Garden

Director… Beck Bennett

Scarlett Johansson

Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Director briefing the ad shooting to the actors.]

Director: Okay, my lovely featured background. We are about ready to go for a take. And all you guys have seen Olive Garden ads. So, you know the deal. Fun, casual. We really want to give viewers the vibe that you’re excited to be here.

Scarlett: I actually love Olive Garden so I won’t even have to act at all.

Director: Hah! That’s what I like to hear. Okay, so I’ll call our direction from the monitor and let’s see if we can capture some magic. Alright? Here we go. And action.

[music playing.]

[actors are having fun]

Okay, that looks great. We’re chatting. We’re charring. Hey, sweater guy, check out the restaurant.

[Kenan starts looking around and act like he’s noticing everything and he likes it.]

This place is nice. Even more impressed.

[Kenan starts to act a bit more impressed]

Am I in a palace?

[Kenan starts acting shocked]

Yes. Okay. Now, blonde hair. Why don’t you find something you want on the menu?

[Scarlett starts looking at the menu]

And you nod and smile.

[Scarlett is nodding and smiling]

Alright, bigger nod.

[Scarlett starts nodding more]

This all looks yummy. Really go for it, blonde hair.

[Scarlett starts to smile and nod her head very wildly]

Big old smile. Amazing, love that. Now, blue shirt. Someone just said something funny. Big laugh.

[Mikey starts laughing]

And even funnier.

[Mikey starts blinking his eyes more]

You’re about to pee yourself.

[Mikey starts to shake his head and blink his eyes whilst looking downwards]

I’m peeing. I’m peeing. Fantastic! Great! Great! Great! Okay, now, yellow top. You’re looking at the menu and you really want that Chicken Ciao Bella.

[Leslie looks at menu is awed]

Oh, you want it really bad.

[Leslie starts shaking the menu]

You’re looking at that pasta going, “Oh, Lordy, I must be in heaven.”

[Leslie is confused and looks at Director]

Okay, let’s call that cut.

[Director walks in] Wow, fantastic work, guys. I think we got it.

Scarlett: Are you sure those reactions weren’t too big?

Mikey: Yeah, I felt like I looked a little stupid maybe.

Leslie: And I didn’t like that voice you did.

Director: I’m not quite sure what you’re talking about, but as far as reactions go, you guys have seen Olive Garden ads. People act like they have never seen a restaurant or eaten food before. And then the yoyos at home think Olive Garden is a magical place. It’s advertising. Trust me, you’re killing it. Okay? Now, we just need to get some alts for different markets this ad will air in. Alright? Here we go. And action.

[music playing]

[actors are having fun]

Okay, let’s start by laughing, we’re laughing. We’re having fun. Good! Now, for the small towns, blue shirt, give blonde hair a little kiss on the cheek.

[Mikey kisses Scarlett on her cheek]

Great, great, great. And for the urban market, can I get a sweater guy giving yellow top a smooch?

[Kenan hugs Leslie]

And for one neighborhood in Atlanta, let me see yellow top plant one on blond hair.

[Scarlett and Leslie are confused]

[Leslie kisses Scarlett on her cheek]

And lips, please.

[Scarlett and Leslie are uncomfortable. But they take a peck on each other’s lips.]

[shouting] “Oh, child! what has gotten into me?” Great! Okay, now I just want to get some options. Stuff they might want. So, let’s get some pasta, please. Thank you very much.

[The waiters bring in the pasta]

Alright, here comes the pasta. Pasta, pasta, pasta. So, sweater guy, you ordered that shrimp terrigiorno and it smells amazing.

[Kenan acting like he’s smelling the shrimp]

Great. Yes, yes. Got that. We got that. Now just go ahead and put your face right in the pasta bowl.

Kenan: Really? I mean, would Olive Garden even use that in the ad?

Director: Just looking for options. So, plop that face in there.

[Kenan puts his pace in the pasta bowl]

Great! Yes. Yes, sweater guy, this is really good. Okay, blue shirt and blonde hair, imagine there is a waitress there and you’re listening to her. So, let’s look up and nod.

[Scarlett and Mikey look at the same direction and nod]

She’s a little taller than that. So, bring that eye line up a bit.

[Scarlett and Mikey looking a bit higher]

And even taller.

[Scarlett and Mikey looking higher]

And, oh, my god, this woman’s an Amazon.

[Scarlett and Mikey act like they’re shocked]

Perfect. Just like that. And just so we have it, give me one where the waitress is two feet tall.

[Scarlett and Mikey looking down]

There she is. There she is. Perfect. And she’s leaving and you’re both trying not to laugh.

Scarlett: Oh, I wouldn’t laugh at a little person.

Director: But Olive Garden customers would.

[Scarlett and Mikey act like they’re holding their laugh]

Nailed it. There it is.

[Kenan still has his face in the pasta]

Kenan: Sir, can I take my face off of pasta now?

Director: Not just yet, sweater guy. I want to make sure we have this. Now, yellow top.

Leslie: I’m not putting my head in no pasta.

Director: Of course not. Just enjoy the taste of the pasta.

[Leslie eats some pasta and enjoys it]

Yes. Yes. That’s great. That’s great. You’re chewing, tasting and you just had a big old orgasm. [Leslie opens her eyes and stares upwards] Amazing. That’s it. Yeah, love those eyes. Love that. Look at those. Great! Yes, that’s great. Now, blonde hair, can I see that from you?

[Scarlett is acting like she’s having an orgasm]

Yes. Yes. Great with the lip. Yes, that’s great. Thanks exactly what I’m looking for. Okay. Blue shirt, you’re up.

[Mikey starts acting like he’s having an orgasm]

Amazing. The Veal Primarini is pushing all your buttons. There it is! And yeah. Great. And now sweater guy, take your face out of the pasta and let’s see that from you as well.

[Kenan makes his orgasm face]

Yeah, you’re really loving it. Yeah. That’s perfect. Now, put your face just back in the bowl of pasta.

Kenan: I really would rather not–

Director: And go.

[Kenan puts his face in the pasta bowl]

Okay, now yellow top, look at sweater guy like, “Lordy, give me the strength.”

[Leslie is pissed off]

And cut! Yes, perfect. Guys, really wonderful. I think I’ve got everything I need. And no promises, but I hear they may use some of you guys in their print campaign too.

[Cut to print campaign pictures of Leslie]

Fire Island

[Star with video clips of people partying in an Island]

Male voice: Audiences are buzzing about “Fire Island,” a new reality show on Logo about ix sexy gay guys sharing a beach house.

Bobby: Cocktails, sunshine, boys.

Brandon: It’s a gay Disneyland, y’all.

Male voice: And if you like separating types of people into shows, you’ll love logo’s other new reality show, “Cherry Grove,” about a group of affluent lesbians, one beach away.

[Cut to ladies taking care of their babies in a beach house.]

Kate: Hey, Beth, did you pack my water socks? Beth? Beth? Beth?

Male voice: Spend a weekend with these sexy studs.

Brandon: 21, and I’m the crazy little one.

Male voice: And these women.

Aidy: I’m 38. And I’m the very intolerant one.

Male voice: Get ready for the insane parties.

Brandon: This weekend, I’m ready for anything.

[Cut to ladies singing dinner prayer]

Male voice: If you think Fire Island is nonstop sex, wait till you see what passes for a bang fest in Cherry Grove.

[Cut to ladies crying in bed]

Kate: [sobbing] I just want you to tell me you see me.

Scarlett: [sobbing] I see you.

Male voice: The boys may love drama, but watch these ladies lose it.

[Cut to Aidy taking pictures of a baby]

Cecily: Hey, hey, hey, hey, I thought we said no screens.

Aidy: Your rules, Puck.

Cecily: I just think if we both agree on something–

Aidy: I do agree, Puck, but when you hammer and you hammer, it’s hard to be in love with you.

Cecily: I’m sorry you feel like hammering.

Male voice: So, get ready for the raunchiest–

[Cut to Scarlett keeping her baby calm]

— craziest–

Kate: That’s a wold sanctuary, alright!

Male voice: Gayest summer you’ve ever had.

Kate: Excuse me, sir, can you lower your jazz? There are five miracles of home water birth asleep in this house.

Scarlett: It’s almost 9 PM.

Male voice: Cherry Grove. Coming soon on Logo. Yas, queen, work queen, yas.

Complicit

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a woman walking inside a very fancy party.]

Female voice: Every man knows her name. [men looking at her turning their heads] Every woman knows her face. [Women looking staring at her] When she walks into a room, all eyes are on her. She’s Ivanka. And a woman like her deserves a fragrance all her own. A scent made just for her because she’s beautiful. She’s powerful. Because she’s beautiful. She’s powerful. [as she walks by candles, the candles go off.] She is [showing the bottle of perfume] Complicit.

She’s a woman who knows what she wants. And knows what she’s doing. Complicit.

She doesn’t crave the spotlight, but we see her. [She stand in front of the mirror and puts on lipstick] Oh, how we see her. [Inside the mirror, we see Donald Trump.] Complicit.

A feminist, an advocate, a champion for women. But like, how?

She’s loyal, devoted, but probably should have bounced after the whole ‘Access Hollywood’ bus thing. Oh, well.

Also, I bet when she watches ‘Titanic’, she thinks she’s Rose. Sorry, girl, you’re Billy Zane.

Complicit, the fragrance for the woman who can stop all this but won’t. Also available in a cologne for Jared.

Alien Attack Cold Open

General… Kenan Thompson

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Alien… Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: In the year 2018, aliens landed on earth. They did not come in peace.

[Cut to General briefing his soldiers]

General: Men, women, the hour is upon us. [cheers and applause] The aliens are stronger than we thought which means the fight for humanity begins now. We may be down but we are not out. We’ve lost limbs. We’ve lost lives. But we will not lose the United States of America. Now, let’s get out there, destroy those aliens and save the human race. But first, your commander in chief wants to say a word.

[Donald Trump walks in. He is also wearing a military jacket.]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, yes. What a beautiful day. Who here loves Trump? I know this guy over here, [pointing at dead man] he loves Trump. Now, here’s the deal. We are going to beat these aliens because we have got the best military, but we don’t win anymore. And the aliens are laughing at us. They’re killing us and they’re laughing at us.

General: We know that aliens are killing us, sir. They have the most advanced weponized technology we have ever seen. What should we do?

Donald Trump: Okay, here’s what we do. Here’s what we’re gonna do. We are going to bring coal back. Okay? We’re going to have so much coal, you’re going ty say, “Where did all this coal come from? I never knew there could be so much coal.”

General: But Mr. President, what about the aliens? They just vaporized the entire state of California.

Donald Trump: So then, I won the popular vote?

General: Sir, please. Everyone in California is dead.

Donald Trump: Even Arnold?

General: Sir, yes, we are dealing with a highly advanced species here. They are from Zorblat-9. Their ships are invisible. They’re telepathic.

Donald Trump: Okay. No, we don’t know that they are from Zorblat-9. I’ve actually heard Zorblat-9 is very beautiful, very fantastic.

Kyle: Oh, my god. Does he have business ties on Zorblat-9?

[explosion sound]

Beck: General, the aliens are outside the base.

General: Mr. President, please. We have to do something. Look how much the aliens control. This is the aliens and this is us. [showing all United States map captured by the aliens except them.]

Donald Trump: This is us?

General: Yes.

Donald Trump: That is a great show. “This Is Us.” I can’t watch it because it’s on NBC and NBC has been unfair to me.

Alex: Sir, I have terrible news. New York city has been attacked. And Trump Hotel has been completely destroyed causing $50 million in damages.

Donald Trump: More like $1 billion.

Alex: Well, luckily no lives were lost because no one was staying at the hotel.

Donald Trump: That’s not true. Everyone loves to stay at my hotel. I’m sure a bunch o top shelf classy people died there.

[explosion sound]

Aidy: The aliens, they’re coming.

Donald Trump: I actually heard the aliens are already here. They have been hiding in this country for hundreds of years. It’s a fact. They’re shapeshifters. They look like regular people, but they’re aliens. Look, there’s one right there. [pointing at Leslie]

Leslie: What? I am not an alien.

Donald Trump: Yes, she is. And so is the woman next to her right there. [pointing at Sasheer]

Sasheer: Oh! Okay, no.

General: Sir, where are you getting this information?

Donald Trump: From a very reputable source.

General: What? The FBI, CIA?

Donald Trump: Info Wars, it’s a radio show hosted by Alex Jones. You know he is legit because he’s always taking off his shirt. Okay? And that is why I hair-by demand– Sorry, I here be bedamned– Sorry, I Fergie Dabid– Sorry, I Gigi Hadid that we launch a full investigation into these two aliens right now. They’re inside the base. [explosion]

Kate: General, they’re here. They’re inside the base.

General: Alright, troops. The time has come to fight as brothers, as sisters, as Americans. Now join me in the pledge of allegiance. I pledge allegiance to the flag of …

All soldiers: The United States of America and to the republic for which it stands. One nation under god. [Donald Trump is speaking gibberish because he doesn’t know what to say] Indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

[Aliens walk in]

Alien: Humans! Resistance is futile. Take me to your leader.

Donald Trump: [pointing at General] It’s him. He’s the president.

General: No, I’m not. You are.

Alien: Really? This is gonna be so easy.

Alien, General and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Zoo-opolis Voice Actors

Kenan Thompson

Octavia Spencer

Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

Cleaner… Beck Bennett

[starts with Kenan briefing the voice actors about the project

Kenan: Alright, as you know we just completed the initial story board for TV movie Zoo-Opolis. It’s an animated film about a city that’ s full of animals.

Octavia: Is that like, Zootopia?

Kenan: Is that like, Zootopia? Who are you? My lawyer? Now, we need a scratch track for placeholders for all the voices so the animators have something to work with. Alright, first up, we’ve got the opening line of the film from Honey Bunny, voiced by Jennifer Lopez.

Melissa: I could try J-Lo’s lines.

Kenan: Okay, great. You can just read from the prompter. Whenever you’re ready.

[Melissa walks to the mic]

Melissa: [Speaking like Jennifer Lopez] You know, everyone says a rabbit can never be a lawyer, but they’re forgetting about Hopeas Corups, because I put the butt in rab-but, Zoo-Opolis. Yeah.

Kenan: Okay. Next up, we’ve got Bartleby. He’s a bumblebee voiced by Hugh Grant.

Alex: Um, I could take a crack of that.

Kenan: Alright, go for it.

[Alex walks to the mic]

Alex: [speaking like Hugh Grant] I um.. I would have brought flowers but um, you see, I’m too small. I’m terribly sorry. I must admit I’m a little buzzed. Zoo-Opolis.

Kenan: Not bad. Alright. Well, we also have F’Heather the pigeon, voiced by Oprah Winfrey.

Octavia: Oh, I got this one. [Octavia walks to the mic] [talking like Oprah Winfrey] I love bread crumbs. I love bread crumbs and that’s a joy of wing-watchers. I still eat bread crumbs every day, and I have lost over two ounces. I love bread crumbs. Zoo-Opolis.

Kenan: Perfect. That was perfect. Thank you very much. Alright, next up, we have Dane Daniel. And that’s a great dane voiced by Tracy Morgan. I can probably just throw that down real quick myself. [holds a mic] [clears his throat] [speaking like Tracy Morgan] I’ma put my peepee in a chihuahua and make it explode. Yeah, I think we got that. We got that pretty good. Um, we also have Sqwecily the squirrel voiced by Kristen Wiif.

Melissa: I can try that. [speaking like Kristen Wiig] I just got kicked out of my tree. Ha-ha. They told me I had to leave. I’m staying with my best friend, he is an acorn. Ha-ha. Sorry, I know I seem a little nuts right now, I just opened a can of nuts and a snake jumped out. Ha-ha. Then I looked at the lael and it said, ‘Can of snakes.’ Ha-ha. Zoo-Opolis.

Kenan: Thank you. We also have a kangaroo voiced by Viola Davis whose name is Viola G’Day-Vis.

Octavia: I got this one. [speaking like Viola Davis] I am not just a kangaroo. I am Viola Davis as a kangaroo. And I will exhume the body from my pouch, Denzel.

Kenan: Such a powerful speech. Thank you. Alright, we just have a few quick lines left. Who ever wants to just jump in and go for it. Kathy Griffin as penguin.

Melissa: [speaking like Kathy Griffin] Okay, here is the deal. I just hang out of my igloo. I invited few polar bears over. Yes, they’re gay.

Kenan: Alright. An old beaver named Dame Judi Dentures.

Octavia: Sixty years of acting and this is the first time I’m showing my Beaver.

Kenan: Oh, boy! Next, NBA commentator Bill Walton as moose

Alex: [speaking like Bill Walton] Oh my god!  I love the bulls and I love the bucks. Gosh, they have a promising future. Slam dunk. Zoo-Opolis.

Kenan: Right. Um, Jodie Foster as a hummingbird.

Octavia: [speaking like Jodie Foster] We meet again, doctor nectar. I’m agent starling like the bird.

Kenan: And then we have Julia Louis Dreyfus as a bat.

Melissa: [speaking like Julia Louis Dreyfus] You know, I’m a bat. So, yeah.

Kenan: No, I”m sorry I misread that. The bat is actually Owen Wilson.

Melissa: [speaking like Owen Wilson] Oh, well, well, yeah. I’m a bat, yeah.

Kenan: No, no. Sorry, I really misread it. The bat is Kate McKinnon.

Melissa: [speaking like Kate McKinnon] Hey, hey, I”m a bat. Okay? Yeah.

Kenan: Okay. And, finally, the last line of the movie is Javier Bardem as wise old owl. [voice actors are looking at each other] Nobody? Nobody has a Javier Bardem?

[Cleaner walks in]

Cleaner: Hey, um, I can give it a try. Alright, here we go. [speaking like Javier Bardem] Every animal must have sex, hmm? Money has sex wit ha turtle. You know? A gopher has sex with a parrot. And the best part is that they never have to wear a condom. Alright!

Kenan: Alright, well, that was extremely off script. Do you even work here?

Cleaner: Um, no.

Youngblood

Pete Davidson

Sasheer Zamata

Cyrus… Kenan Thompson

Janice… Octavia Spencer

[Starts with Pete telling his story to his friends]

Pete: So then, I roll up on this clown and punch down. Lights out, son! Ha-ha.

Sasheer: Ha-ha. That’s cold, bro.

Pete: Yeah, 119 is my block. That’s just how it is. Whoa!

[Cyrus is an old man sitting on a bench with a chessboard on the table]

Cyrus: Hey! Let’s go sit down over here, young blood.

[Pete walks to Cyrus and sits across the table]

You know anything about this game?

Pete: Yeah. I played a couple of times.

Cyrus: Ah! So you don’t play chess, young blood. Coz, chess ain’t no game. It’s a road map to navigating these streets.

Pete: What you talking about, old man?

Cyrus: What I mean young blood, is you out here acting like a pawn, you see? You’re running your mouth, you’re swinging your fists. Pawns is all about that battle. But you want to be the king, you got to be thinking about the war, you feel me?

Pete: Yeah. But a pawn could do some damage. [Pete starts playing chess with Cyrus]

Cyrus: Sure. Yeah. And you know, every king is going to lose a few pawns when you’re trying to win that war, right? [moving his piece] But it ain’t about what you lose, young blood. It’s actually–

Pete: [Pete uses his piece] Check mate.

Cyrus: No!

[Janice is an old lady sitting on a bench far from Cyrus.]

Janice: [laughing] He whooped your ass, didn’t he?

Cyrus: No. He didn’t, Janice. Thank you very much. You see, the thing about the king, young blood, is he’s a hard brother to kill. Look, he’s back in the game.

Sasheer: Yo! I don’t think those are the rules of the game, man!

Cyrus: They the rules of the streets! Now, the king sometimes goes on the attack, right? [moving his piece] But then sometimes–

Pete: [moving his piece] Check mate.

Cyrus: Sometimes there are two kings.

Pete: Come on, man. That’s a troll.

Cyrus: And then you know every king needs himself a castle.

[Janice walks near Cyrus]

Janice: Damn, Cyrus! That’s a bishop, fool!

Cyrus: I know that.

Janice: Oh, you do, huh? Okay, what’s this one called?

Cyrus: That’s Horse-face.

Pete: You mean the knight?

Cyrus: The knight. [to Janice] Now, go and sit your ass down somewhere, Janice.

Janice: Alright. Don’t know what you’re doing, anyway!

Cyrus: Anyway! Now, this is the castle. Now you see, your castle is your hitter, right? And if this castle sees some of them pawns coming at you. [moving his piece] He’s going to do– On, no, why did I do that?

Pete: You want a do-over on that move?

Cyrus: Hah! You just feel for that oldest trick in the book, young blood.

Janice: No, he didn’t.

Cyrus: Shut up! [to Pete] See, I got you thinking that I made a mistake. But what I’m really doing is–

Pete: [moving his piece] Check mate.

Cyrus: Yeah, yeah, but kings can jump.

Pete: What? Yo, I’m having trouble following what’s going on here.

Janice: That’s coz he’s talking a load of shit.

Cyrus: Look here, young blood, you should really learn the lessons of this exciting new game.

Sasheer: New game?

Cyrus: Because if now, man you gonna get played. [moving his piece over every pieces of Pete] Look at that. I just– I won everything. I just won everything.

Pete: Alright, old man. I guess I’ll keep that in mind.

Cyrus: Cool. $20?

Pete: Excuse me, what?

Cyrus: $20 for my time?

[Pete gives Cyrus some money]

Thank you, young blood. Thank you.

Pete: Man, let’s get out of here, guys.

[Pete and his friends walk away]

[Cyrus stands and gives the money to Janice]

Cyrus: Alright, now I finally got $hundred. Can you please teach me how to play this game?

Janice: Alright, first rule is, can’t nobody jump in this game.

Cyrus: You did say that. You did say that.

Janice: I did.