Tag: season 42

Weekend Update- Laura Parsons on the 2017 Oscars & Trans Rights

Michael Che

Laura parsons… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It’s time once again for our newscasters of Tomorrow segment, where a kid joins us to give the news from their perspective. So, please welcome kid actress, Laura Parsons.

[Laura Parsons slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Laura Parsons: Hello, Michael. What a thrill it is to be here.

[singing] News, talking about news
they say that it’s fake but that’s just happened
anything on news

Michael Che: That was adorable. Laura, you’re an actress, did you watch the Oscars?

Laura Parsons: Of course, I did. It was so exciting. [Cut to Laura Parsons]

[singing] City of stars
are you shining just for me?

That’s how people sing in Hollywood.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: Yeah, very good. Did you see any of the winning movies?

Laura Parsons: Well, I didn’t see ‘Moonling’. My mother says it’s too grown up for me. But I know it featured brilliant performances, amazing cinematography [in loud voice] and a sea side handjob!

Michael Che: Wait! Hey, I don’t know if you should be saying that. And where did you even hear that term? Where did you learn that?

Laura Parsons: Well, someone wrote in on the wall of our school bathroom. And speaking of school bathrooms, Trump just rolled back rights of transgender students to use a bathroom of their choice. Isn’t that terrible?

Michael Che: Yes, that’s right. But do you know exactly what that issue is about?

Laura Parsons: I think so. [Cut to Laura Parsons] Some people think you should choose which bathroom you use based on your gender identity. But the government [in loud voice] wants to lift up your skirt and judge your ding-dongs!

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: Laura! Do you even know what transgender means?

Laura Parsons: I think so.  [Cut to Laura Parsons] It’s when you look down at your privates and say “Why I ought to.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: No. No. Let’s talk about something that’s not even in the news. Have you seen any good TV shows lately?

Laura Parsons: I sure have. Do you like prank shows, Michael?

Michael Che: Not really.

Laura Parsons: Well, I do. I love all kinds of pranks. [Cut to Laura Parsons] Except last week when a woman was tricked into spraying Kim Jong-Un’s half-brother [in loud voice] with nerve toxin.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: How do you know–

Laura Parsons: [in loud voice] The prank was murder!

Michael Che: Laura, I feel like I say this a lot. But let’s talk about something way lighter. What about something from your life?

Laura Parsons: Well, I’m going to visit my grandparents soon.

Michael Che: That’s very nice.

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: Luckily, they live in a beautiful condo and not one of the thousands of nursing homes that’s been cited for elder abuse and [in loud voice] sexual assault.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: Laura!

Laura Parsons: You might wanna google it [in loud voice] before nana gets raped!

Michael Che: Alright! That’s enough. Thank you for being here, Laura, you– you did great. Thank you so much.

Laura Parsons: I did? [singing] Pa-pa-pa pa-di-pa-pa
And that’s in the news

Michael Che: Laura Parsons, everybody. Very good. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update- Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffatt

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Despite claiming no direct involvement, there are still ethics concerns around president Trump’s ties to his business, here to comment are the co-CEO’s of Trump Organization, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Thanks for having us, Colin.

Colin Jost: Great to have you, yeah. Now, many people, myself included, have some serious concerns that your father could use his position to help his former business.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, I know. You mentioned that on the golf course last weekend. I was beating you by nine strokes. You gotta work on your short game, pal.

Colin Jost: I know.

Donald Trump Jr.: But Eric and I did have a blast.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Eric: I drove the golf car!

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. You sure did, Eric. Remember, I told you this, pal, man. Remember, it’s golf cart. Golf cart. Not car. Cart, with a T.

Eric: Ta.

Donald Trump Jr.: There you go. Colin, the Trump Organization is entire in our hands. In fact, Eric and I recently celebrated the grand opening of a new Trump Golf Course in Dubai, which Colin, was a smash success.

Eric: I got a sunburn.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. That’s because you didn’t want to wear your hat, bud.

Eric: It doesn’t fit.

Donald Trump Jr.: I told you, bud, you can chance the size with the little snaps on the back. that’s why they have those. We also cut the ribbon, the beautiful new Trump Luxury Hotel in Vancouver, Canada. [Cut to Eric, Donald Trump Jr. and Colin Jost] And Colin, the chef we got in Vancouver is absolutely amazing. He crushed the menu. The food is next level.

Eric: I had a funny face pancake. He had whip creams hair.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. And you ate the whole thing.

Eric: I’m hungry.

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright. I got some cheerios for you, buddy.

[Donald Trump Jr. pulls out a packet of cheerios and gives it to Eric]

Eric: Alright!

[Eric eats them]

Colin Jost: I’m glad your business is doing well. That doesn’t actually answer any question about your father’s involvement in the business.

Eric: I’m thirsty.

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright, I’ve got a juice for you. [Donald Trump Jr. is reaching for juice inside his pocket] The fact of the matter is, all the deals coming to fruition now [gives juice to Eric] were in place far, far before my father. [Eric cannot figure out how to put the pipe inside the juice box] Eric, Eric, let me do it. Let me do it. Come on, man, don’t just stab it. You’re making a mess. Look, insert straw here. Right? First of all, you’re not using the pointy end.

Eric: Sorry.

Donald Trump Jr.: Uh, Eric!

Eric: What did I do?

Donald Trump Jr.: You just gotta– Eric, I don’t wanna make a mess. [Eric just drinks the juice out of box without straw] There you go.

Colin Jost: He figured it out.

Donald Trump Jr.: That’s my brother. I’m proud of you. Colin, bottomline, the only people making decisions– [to Eric] You downed that quick, bud! Look at you, thirsty little guy.

Eric: Uh-huh.

Donald Trump Jr.: The only people making decisions regarding the Trump Organization are Eric and myself.

Eric: And dad!

Donald Trump Jr.: No, no. Remember, Eric, dad does not tell us what to do anymore?

Eric: Yes, he does.

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey, you wanna play on my phone, bud?

Eric: Yeah.

Donald Trump Jr.: There you go. [Donald Trump Jr. passes Eric his phone] Eric’s a little jokester. What he meant to say was our the only people calling the shots at the Trump Organization are myself and this guy.

Eric: I’m tired.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, he’s going to get cranky. Gotta get him home. Okay, so it’s quick bath, jammies and then bed. Alright, bud?

Eric: Okay. Can Colin sleep over?

Donald Trump Jr.: Not tonight, bud.

Eric: Aww!

Colin Jost: Aww! Eric and Donald Trump, everyone.

Eric: And I’m Eric!

Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Wiretapping Accusation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Hey, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Well, this Saturday morning while his nurse was at temple, grandpa shuffled out of his room and got into his twitter again. Without offering any evidence in the series of tweets, Donald Trump accused former president Obama of wiretapping Trump Tower during election? He even tweeted [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Is it legal for a sitting president to be ‘wire tapping’ a race for president prior to an election? Turned down by court earlier. A NEW LOW!” [Cut to Michael Che] Dude, you’re the president of the United States and you are seeking legal advice on twitter? That’s like your doctor tweet out, “Hey, does this look infected?” But this is a very serious allegation for a sitting president to make about his predecessor. And you know that it’s very serous because his very next tweet was [Cut to Donald Trump’s another tweet] “Arnold Schwarzeneggar isn’t voluntarily leaving the Apprentice, he was fired by his bad (pathetic) ratings, not by me. Sad end to great show.” [Cut to Michael Che] This guy’s train of thought is just baffling. He’s like a crazy dude on the Subway yelling, “They’re tapping my phone! Schwarzeneggar sucks. I can lick my own elbow.” Donald, just forget about ‘The Apprentice’ already. You’re the president now. You are the executive producer of the free world. It is a much more important show. And your ratings are dead last.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I do however give Trump some credit though. Earlier this week, he was able to speak like a human president for over an hour. In fact, 78% of Americans had a positive reaction on Trump’s speech. But that’s just because the bar was set at ‘read words good’. It is not an encouraging sign we are holding the president of the United States to the same standard as any Bar Mitzvah Boy. President Trump’s speech was met with silence from the democratic party and with cheers from the sausage party.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a group of females wearing white dresses at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Female democrats wore all white outfits to show their support for the women’s suffrage movement. Either that or they were about to go to a party at P-Diddy’s house. [Picture changes to P-Diddy’s music video where everyone’s wearing full white clothes.]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

President Trump appeared optimistic saying, “Everything that is broken in our country can be fixed.” Which is hard to believe coming from a guy who spent the better part of his life as a slumlord. Whenever a bad landlord says they’re going to fix something, you know they’re just gonna send some Russian dude to do it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s speech at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A large part of Donald Trump’s speech on Tuesday involved immigration reform which Trump arguing that we should switch between merit basis system. And its true. Unskilled immigrants coming to the US cost taxpayers money. But the second generation of immigrants adds huge value to our economy. And by the third generation, they’re president. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

[Picture changes to Statue of Liberty]

A merit based system is contrary to the whole idea of America. My Irish ancestors certainly didn’t come here because they were the best and the brightest. They came here because god took their potatoes away. And now, after decades of hard work, they have literally dozens of potatoes. That’s progress. Back to you, Michael.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of soldiers at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At least they had a choice. President Trump said that his budget will help enlarge what he calls a depleted military. Depleted military? In relation to what, the death star? I think our military has body dysmorphia. We’re like that roided out guy at the gym slamming plates around still working on our traps. And it’s like, “Yeah, dude, we get it. You’re strong. Maybe focus on education now.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Steve Bashear at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former Kentucky governor Steve Bashear then gave the democratic response to president Trump’s speech, from what appeared to be a public school cafeteria where the lights were running on a backup generator. This didn’t exactly inspire confidence if you’re a democrat. It looks like he was trying to sell my grandparents Colonial Penn life insurance. But hey, you know, what he looks like doesn’t matter. As long as he has a clear message.

[Cut to Steve Bashear’s video]

Steve Bashear: I’m a proud democrat. But first and foremost, I’m a proud republican, and democrat, and mostly American.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow, congratulations, democrats… and republicans… but mostly Americans. Democrats have to stop forcing new leaders on us and just let us find someone who voters respond to naturally. Passionately. And then work very har to make sure he doesn’t get the nomination. [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kellyanne Conway in White House with her legs kneeling on a sofa at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kelly Conway was widely criticized this week after being photographed kneeling on a couch in the oval office. And sure, it does kind of look like she is searching for a Florida playlist to make her black friends dance, but I am not going to make fun of her. I actually feel bad for Kellyanne Conway, because he job sucks. You know, like when an Airline loses your luggage and you can’t talk to CEO, so you just end up screaming at some frazzled lady that’s now gotta spend her lunch break crying into a lean cuisine? Well, that lady is Kellyanne Conway. That’s her day. We all have rough jobs. But could you imagine being customer service for Donald Trump? I mean, look at her. Does she look like she’s in control? She looks like she should be on an informercial yelling, “But there has got to be a better way!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeff Sessions at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week it was also revealed that Attorney General Jeff Sessions met with the ambassador to Russia during the campaign, even though he denied such a meeting during his confirmation hearing. Now, saying no to a question when the answer is yes, might seem like a black and white issue. But remember, black and white issues are what Jeff Sessions is worst at. The only silver lining is that now when you google ‘Jeff Sessions’, ‘Jeff Sessions Russia’ comes up before ‘Jeff Sessions racist’. So that’s an improvement.

[Picture changes to Mike Pence]

According to reports, while Mike Pence was governor of Indiana, he used a personal AOL e-mail account to discuss sensitive matters, including Homeland Security. Pence said he originally chose AOL because hotmail was forbidden by his church.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Cheers and applause]

Took you a little while.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a church at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was revealed a church in North Carolina forced married couples to wait a year before having sex. Which means the something blue at their wedding was balls.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chicago city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: For the first time in 146 years, it hs not snowed in Chicago during the months of January and February. Or all of the snowflakes were shot before they reached the ground.

[Picture changes to a Subway sandwich]

Well, I’m worried about this one. A new investigation has revealed that Subway’s chicken contains only about 50% chicken DNA. Though that’s pretty much best case scenario for a DNA swab subway.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking March month at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Ah! That’s a harsh joke, Colin. Anyway, March is women’s history month while April is a lot of backed up dishes.

[Picture changes to a cover picture of movie “Beauty and the Beast”.]

It was revealed that the upcoming live action version of Beauty and the Beast will feature first gay character ever in a Disney movie. The first gay character? I mean, come on. [Picture changes to Ursula] She gave a mermaid a vagina. Anyway. A theater in Alabama has already refused to show this version of Beauty and the Beast, because in Alabama, gay characters have no place in a children’s musical about beastiality. I know when I found out Mr. Hands was gay, that really took me out of the video. What Alabama bigot is watching a lady make out with a big foot and thinking, “You know what has taking me out of this cartoon is that fruity ass candle.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. That’s a picture of Ghana at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The pizza chain famous Famiglia, which is opening a store in Ghana will ship New York city water to these African country to make pizza taste authentic. Said Ghana, “Wait, you could have shipped us water this entire time? Guys!”

[Picture changes to the band UMichael Che]

A British songwriter is suing UMichael Che claiming that he band stole one of his songs. Though, I don’t like the songwriter’s chances because his lawyer is working pro-Bono.

[the crowd didn’t understand the joke, so he does the face-palm.]

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] He insisted on telling that.

Sticky Bun

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Kelsey… Vanessa Bayer

Scott… Mikey Day

Jackie… Octavia Spencer

Kat… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Cecily briefing the trainees]

Cecily: Hey guys, it’s the last phase of your training. After this, you’ll be able to start working shifts at Sticky Bun. Holla! So, today we’ll be doing mock customer transactions, to get a feel for a typical shift.

Beck: This is Kelsey, the actress who will be playing our customer. Anything we might have seen you in, Kelsey?

Kelsey: Um, let me think? No.

Cecily: Cool. Alright. Um, Scott, how about you take the register? Jackie on prep and Kat on pickup counter.

Beck: Alright! just use the stuff we went over in the handbook. Okay? You’re going to be fine. You ready, Scott?

Scott: Hell, yeah!

Beck: Ah! That’s what I like to hear, bud. Go for it.

Kelsey: [acting like a customer] Hi, there.

Scott: Hi, welcome to Sticky Bun. Will you eat?

Kelsey: What?

Beck: Hey, Scott, don’t start like that. Remember, greet the customer and try to make a personal connection. Ask them how their day is going? How they’re doing. Something that shows you care.

Scott: Right! Hi, welcome to Sticky Bun. Are your both parents still alive?

Kelsey: I’m sorry?

Beck: Try a different question, Scott.

Scott: Hi, welcome to Sticky Bun. How old were you when you first lost your virginity?

Beck: Hey, Scott, forget the question, bud. Say something nice and take her order.

Scott: Hi, welcome to Sticky Bun. Merry Christmas. Will you eat?

Beck: Alright. You know what Scott? Why don’t you take a breather. Let’s switch it up. Jackie, you want to give register a shot?

Jackie: Yes sir, I do. I know that manual front to back and I’ve been practicing in my mirror all week.

Cecily: Hey! Now that’s a Sticky Bun attitude. Go for it.

Kelsey: [acting like a customer] Hi, there.

Jackie: Go away, we’re closed.

Kat: [speaking in mic] Attention Sticky Bun customers, we are closing early for the Christmas Holiday.

Cecily: No. Guys, guys, it’s not Christmas. And Jackie, we are not closed.

Jackie: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I panicked.  It’s different when talking to a real person and not myself in the mirror.

Cecily: Well, that’s why we do this. Alright, just start again, please.

Jackie: Ley, lady, what will you eat?

Kelsey: Um, what do you recommend on the menu?

Jackie: I don’t eat here. This food is trash.

Cecily: Oh, Jackie! You know what? Don’t tell customers our foo is trash. Just remember, personal connection. Alright? Ask her a question.

Jackie: Right. Right. Hi, welcome to Sticky Bun. Do you like being white?

Kelsey: I’m– I’m sorry, should I answer that?

Cecily: Nope. Please don’t actually. Why is this friendly question throwing everyone off? Just ask her how her day is going.

Jackie: Well, I know the answer. Not good. She’s alone in a Sticky Bun on Christmas.

Beck: You know what? How about we give Kat a shot at the register? And things to remember, we’re open, the food isn’t trash, and it’s not Christmas.

Kat: Welcome to Sticky Bun. What will you eat?

Kelsey: Um, can I– Can I have a classic sticky bun and a milk?

Jackie: Sticky bun and a cold cow piss, coming up.

Kat: Okay, name for the order?

Kelsey: Kelsey.

Kat: Oh, wow. I had a teacher Ms. Kelsey.

Beck: Nice, Kat.

Kat: Yeah, sophomore year, the janitor found her dead in her car. That will be $5.15, please.

Jackie: [speaking in mic] One Sticky Bun and a cold cow piss for Kelsey.

[Kelsey takes her order]

Kelsey: Thank you.

Scott: You’re welcome. I love you.

Beck: Alright. Let’s cut it there. We did it. And Kelsey, nice perk here, you can eat that Sticky Bun if you want.

Kelsey: No, thank you.

Cecily: Alright. So, lots to unpack here. Scott, don’t tell customers you love them.

Scott: Okay, um, do you have a pen and paper?

Beck: Um, you shouldn’t have to write that down. Jackie, please don’t refer to the milk as cow piss.

Jackie: Sorry, that’s what we call it in my house.

Cecily: And Kat. Don’t tell customers stories about dead people.

Kat: I’ll try.

Cecily: Nope, that’s required. Okay? Oh, guys, and let’s do, “Can I take your order”, instead of “Will you eat?”

Jackie: So, we have to know, are we Sticky Bun material?

Beck: Well, normally, we recommend another week of training, at least. But this is an airport. So grab a timecard and get to work!

Spencers Gifts HQ

Nathan… Mikey Day

Jennifer… Cecily Strong

Tom… Kenan Thompson

Naomi… Aidy Bryant

Octavia Spencer

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with colleagues in a meeting]

Nathan: I’m just saying, if we have one more bad quarter, it will be the end of Spencer’s Gifts.

Jennifer: Yeah. And whose fault is it, Nathan?  You haven’t made a good new product in months.

Tom: Look who’s talking.

Naomi: Um, okay, why is everyone fighting? Spencer’s is supposed to be about making people laugh.

Nathan: Oh, shut up, newbie.

Jennifer: Yeah, just shut it.

Tom: Yeah, shut it.

Octavia: Enough! That’s enough.

Naomi: I’m so, so sorry, Miss Spencer.

Octavia: I am not happy. Spencer’s Gifts, the company my father founded is in the toilet. Now, who is going to look me, Octavia Spencer, in the eye, and take responsibility for that?

Tom: Well, I just think if we had some more innovative products then–

Octavia: Oh, is that what you think? Great! Now, I’m going to go around this table and I want the best ideas you got. Jennifer, go.

Jennifer: Okay. hillbilly dentures? It’s bad teeth, like a hillbilly? [Jennifer puts on the fake teeth] Yeah/

Octavia: Get out! [Jennifer walks out] Is it sinking in now people? This is really happening. This is D-Day. Nathan, go.

Nathan: Uh! Gangnam style bobbleheads? [showing a toy bubble head]

Octavia: Say it again?

Nathan: Like, Oppa Gangnam Style, hey! Like, Psy?

Octavia: Well then, Psy-yonara! You’re dead to me.

Nathan: Ma’am…

Octavia: Take that bush league crap to Ricky’s. [Nathan leaves] Argh! And then there were two. Let’s see. Naomi.

Naomi: Okay. Um, fake poop keychain.

Octavia: And that’s funny why?

Naomi: Because it looks like poop.

Octavia: You wanna see what poop looks that? [showing Naomi’s photograph] That’s what a poop looks like.

Naomi: Okay. Where did you get that picture?

Octavia: I don’t answers questions from ghosts. Buh-bye! [Naomi leaves] Argh! Tom!

Tom: Yes, Ms. Spencer.

Octavia: One shot. Eight mile, baby.

Tom: Um, [showing a wall clock that has beers instead of numbers] It’s beer o’clock. “Hey, what time is it? It’s beer o’clock.”

Octavia: I love that.

Tom: Well, thank you, Ms. Spencer.

Octavia: That’s so funny. Lauth with me.

Tom and Octavia: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Octavia: You report directly to me now.

Tom: Yes, Ms. Spencer.

[Vanessa walks in]

Vanessa: Octavia, your helicopter is here. Are you ready for your vacation?

Octavia: Oh, I’m ready. Come on, Tom.

[Tom follows Octavia]

Tom: Okay.

Octavia Spencer Monologue

Octavia Spencer

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Octavia Spencer.

[Octavia Spencer walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Octavia Spencer: Thank you. Thank you. It’s so great to be hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’! It’s a dream come true to be here. No, really. I have spent the last four months of my life at award shows doing interviews and walking red carpets, so this is my first real night out of my spanx. Just kidding, I’m still wearing spanx. And by the way, did you all watch the Oscars? [cheers and applause] I mean, how insane was that? How crazy was it that I didn’t win? Oh, look, but I mean it when I say it, it truly is an honor to be nominated because — for a good part of my career, I pretty much just played nurses. I played a nurse 16 times. I did it so many times that when I played a maid, they gave me an Oscar. I guess I have what Hollywood calls ‘resting nurse face’. For example, I played nurse that had it. [Grounded for life] A nurse that had it up to here. [Red band society] And a nurse that had it so bad, this happened. [Halloween II] Yeah, she got stabbed bad. So, after all that, it was so wonderful to play a NASA mathematician like I do in ‘Hidden Figures’. People have been so kin to me about that movie. So many people have been coming up to me saying, “I love Hidden Fences.” And I say, “No, I was in Hidden Figures.” I mean, I get it, I get it. There were three black movies at the Oscars this year, and that’s a lot for America. If you were going to get confused anyway, I thought I might as well make some money off of it. That’s why, I produced ‘Hidden Fence Light.’ It’s the story of three black women who send an introspective gay boy to build a fence on the moon.

Oh, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Father John Misty is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Jeff Sessions Gump Cold Open

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Minny… Octavia Spencer

[Starts with Jeff Sessions and Leslie sitting down on a bench of a park. This sketch is mimicking of the movie Forest Gump.]

Jeff Sessions: Hello, my name if Jeff. Jeff Sessions. Would you like a chocolate?
Leslie: No, thank you.

Jeff Sessions: Alright, well, I’m gonna have one. I’m the Attorney General of the whole United States. I got to meet the president and everything. He shook my hand like this. [shows how he shook his hand] Being in the government is so fun. Have you ever been in it?

Leslie: No, never.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. We meet so many nice people. Like this. [showing her a picture] This is my best good friend Kellyanne. She ain’t got no legs. Why you ain’t got no legs, Kellyanne? We’re about as close as pease and carrots. She’s a best talker you ever heard. They say she could sell stink to a skink. But they don’t let her talk anymore. I miss you Kelly. You sure you don’t want chocolate? [Leslie shakes her head] I always say, life is like a box of chocolate. Sure are a whole lot of brown ones in there.

[Jeff Sessions takes one chocolate out and eats it staring at Leslie]

Leslie: No!

[Leslie stands and takes a bus]

Jeff Sessions: Alright, have a good day.

[Kyle sits beside Jeff Sessions]

I was in the cover of “The New York Times.” You wanna see?

Kyle: It says you might have committed perjury.

Jeff Sessions: Yeah. I had a bad week. Started out real good. President made a great speech. Folks were thrilled on the account of it was real word on a roll for a whole hour. We was all as happy as monkey with a peanut machine. Then I went to bed, I got 800 messages and phone alerts saying I was a sneaky little liar. I didn’t know what to do. So my lawyer said, “Run, Jeffy, run.” And I started running and running. I ended up all the way sitting at this bus stop with you.

Kyle: Well, it’s a nice day for that.

Jeff Sessions: Hmm. This whole mess began with a congressional hearing. This senator from up north started asking me all these question about Russian, on if I ever talked to them. I got so nervous and confused. I got about as worked up as a double donged piggy in a room full of sows. So I said, “No, I never talked to no Russians ever.” That’s all I got to say about that.

[a bus passes by. Now Aidy is sitting beside Jeff Sessions]

I talked to the Russians. Twice. You know, I met with a fellow who turned out to be Russian on the account of he was the Russian ambassador. His name was Sergie Kisleya. Now, I remember any name with the words ‘gay kiss’ in it. But I was the only one who talked to the Russians. Well, me and Michael Flynn. And J.D. GORDON. So it’s just me, Michael Flynn and J.D. Gordon.  And Jared Kushner at Trump Tower. So, me, Michael Flynn, J.D. Gordon and Jared Kushner at Trump Tower. And Carter Page. And that’s all I got to say about that. And Paul Manifort. I’m gonna have another one of these chocolates. I wish I could go back to the White House and see Mr. Trump. I miss you, Donnie. Democrats want me to resign. I just got to prove to everybody that I don’t have any ties to the Russians what so ever.

[a bus passes by. Now Vladimir Putin is sitting beside Jeff Sessions]

Vladimir Putin: This meeting never happened.

Jeff Sessions: I wasn’t going to remember it anyway.

[a bus passes by. Now Minny from ‘The Help’ walks in and sits beside Jeff Sessions]

Minny: Hello.

Jeff Sessions: Hello.

Minny: Are you Jeff Sessions?

Jeff Sessions: Yes, ma’am. I am.

Minny: The one Coretta Scott King wrote the letter about?

Jeff Sessions: Oh, wow! Well, that was 40 years ago. You still remember that?

Minny: Oh, a lot of people in Alabama remember that, sir. My name’s Minny, you don’t know me, I am from a different movie. And I have a pie that I baked especially for you. [Minny gives a pie to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Thank you. That is a mighty kind gesture. Thank you. It looks delicious. Hey, is this what I think it is.

Minny: It is.

[Minny stands and walks away]

Jeff Sessions: Hmm, my favorite. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Girl at a Bar

Michelle… Cecily Strong

Amy… Aidy Bryant

Dave… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

[Starts with a girl walking into a bar]

Michelle: [talking on the phone] Hey, girl. It’s me checking to see if you are here yet, and I don’t see you so– I’m just gonna grab a seat at the bar, alright? So just, find me when you get here. Okay, bye. [hangs up] Where is she?

[Dave walks in]

Dave: Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

Michelle: Oh. Um…

Dave: I’m sorry, I’m not like a gross guy trying to hit on your or anything. I just– I can’t find a seat.

Michelle: Okay, yeah, sure.

Dave: Thanks. Believe me, I know this place is filled with skeezy guys.

Michelle: I think the whole world is.

Dave: Hah! I think one is our president.

Michelle: [laughing] Do not remind me.

Dave: I’m Dave.

Michelle: I’m Michelle.

Dave: I gotta say, I like your t-shirt.

Michelle: Oh, yeah? Well, future is female.

Dave: I know. Look.

[Dave is wearing the same t-shirt.]

Michelle: No! Okay, well, Dave, on behalf of all women, we thank you so much for your support.

Dave: Hey, would you maybe wanna hangout sometime?

Michelle: You men like a date?

Dave: [smiling] Yeah, like a date.

Michelle: Um, no thank you.

Dave: Okay, bitch!

Michelle: What?

Dave: I’m wearing this shirt and you won’t even let me nut? What the freak!

[Kyle walks in pushing Dave away]

Kyle: Hey! Hey! Hey!

Dave: What? I followed all the rules!

[Dave leaves. Kyle sits on that seat.]

Kyle: Nightmare!

Michelle: Yeah.

Kyle: Sorry about that. You alright?

Michelle: Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. Thank you.

Kyle: You, um, you from around here? [Michelle looks at Kyle] Sorry. I didn’t mean that in like a skeezy, where do you live sort of way.

Michelle: No, no. It’s okay. I’m from DC.

Kyle: Oh, no way. I was actually just there for the women’s march.

Michelle: Really?

Kyle: Yeah. Yeah. We rented a bus and brought down like a hundred people from the neighborhood who didn’t have a ride. It was honestly, one of the best days of my life.

Michelle: Wow, you’re very nice.

Kyle: Um, would you want to come to my place?

Michelle: Oh! No, thank you.

Kyle: Bitch!

Michelle: What?

Kyle: I freaking marched for you. You won’t get down on this?

Michelle: Ew!

[Mikey walks in pushing Kyle away]

Mikey: Hey! She’s not into it, man!

Kyle: Fine!

[Kyle leaves and Mikey takes the seat]

Mikey: Back off! God! Guys like that is why we need a woman in the White House. Enough of us men, right? We had our shot. Sorry, I’m a broken record. I worked for Hillary.

Michelle: You did? I love Hillary.

Mikey: Yeah. Hey, can I ask you a question since we both love Hillary?

Michelle: Yeah.

Mikey: Would you want to look at my balls?

Michelle: Ew, no.

Mikey: [pointing at Michelle] Bitch!

Michelle: What?

Mikey: Bitch.

Michelle: What?

Mikey: Please!

Michelle: No!

Mikey: But it’s not fair.

[Alex walks in pushing Mikey away]

Alex: Okay, buddy, that’s enough. Move along. I’m so sorry about my fellow man.

Michelle: Ah!

Alex: You know what? Do you by any chance follow Kamala Harris on twitter?

Michelle: Yes, I do.

Alex: Do you wanna eat my butt?

Michelle: No!

Alex: [squeaky loud voice] Bitch!

[Amy walks in pushing Alex away]

Amy: No, no. Go!

Michelle: Amy! I”m so glad you’re here.

Amy: I’m sorry I’m late. These guys are horrible.

Michelle: Yeah, tell me about it. Thank you for saving me. I love you.

Amy: Oh, you do?

Michelle: Yeah.

Amy: Touch my [bleep].

Michelle: What? No!

Amy: [yelling] Bitch!

Drug Company Hearing

Beck Bennett

Vanessa Bayer

Alex Moffat

Mrs. William... Octavia Spencer

Seasonique… Sasheer Zamata

Lunestra… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Beck briefing about the hearing]
Beck: Alright, thank you all for agreeing to this hearing. Both of you understand that the decisions made today are legally binding?

Vanessa and Alex: Yes.

Beck: Okay. Mrs. Williams, you are filing a claim against your former employer, Merck Pharmaceuticals where you worked for the past 22 years.

Mrs. William: Yes, sir. I’m suing for intellectual property theft because they’ve stolen many of my ideas. And I am asking for $20 millions in damages.

Vanessa: That’s ridiculous. MR.s Williams worked in accounting. No one there is responsible for ideas.

Mrs. William: Sir, let me give you an example. IN December, 2004, this company created a drug called Seasonique. Well, back in 1997, I had a child. Please say hello to Seasonique. [Seasonique walks in]

Seasonique: Hello.

Beck: Oh, your name is Seasonique?

Seasonique: Yes, sir. My name is Seasonique Boniva Williams.

Mrs. William: That’s right. Seasonique was born on the one special day between spring and summer. She was seasonique. And that’s not the only example. This company has named dozens of their drugs after members of my family.

Beck: Mrs. Williams, I–

Mrs. William: Please call me Lyrica. That’s my name, but it’s also an anti-epilepsy drug.

Beck: That’s certainly interesting.

Alex: Please! We have a whole team that names our products according to years of research. This is clearly a coincidence.

Mrs. William: Oh, really? Let’s look at some other examples, shall we? Celexa.

Seasonique: That’s my cousin.

Mrs. William: Femara.

Seasonique: My other cousin.

Mrs. William: Eliquis. She lives down the way.

Seasonique: Over there.

Mrs. William: Cymbalta.

Seasonique: She’s trouble, but she’s fun.

Mrs. William: Um-hmm. Allegra. Now she does my hair, now she don’t have a shop, so I go to her house where she has a little baby name little Nicorette. So, you see sir, these people aren’t coming up with new drug names. They’re just flipping through the contacts of my phone.

Beck: Well, there does appear to be evidence here.

Vanessa: Sir, this is just payback. Mrs. Williams was recently laid off from Merck and she’s looking for retribution.

Mrs. William: You think so? Well, let me bring in one of my co-workers who’s still an employee there today. Come on, in.

Beck: And you are?

Lunestra: Lunestra. Lunestra Crestor Harrison. And I worked at Merk for 11 years. Back in 2009, I fell asleep on my computer keyboard, and two weeks later this company came out with a sleep aid called Lunestra. This company has taken the names of so many people in our neighborhood including my sister Propecia.

Seasonique: Or my nephew, Dayquil.

Beck: Huh! Well, I have to say that seems more than circumstantial.

Vanessa: Perhaps. But even if it was, there’s just no proof that having the same names as the drugs has caused the women any harm.

Seasonique: Really? You think it is nice to be associated with high cholesterol and erectile dysfunction?

Alex: Oh, that’s terrible. Sorry!

Lunestra: See? He knows this is the biggest corporate injustice since my aunt, Activia, worked at this yogurt company.

Mrs. William: It’s a travesty. [putting her hand over her chest] Oh, oh, I am sorry sir. I’m having a little episode. I need my Humira.

Beck: Oh, that’s fine. Can we get you a glass of water?

Mrs. William: No, Humira is my emotional support dog. She always calms m down.

Seasonique: You even stole her dog.

Alex: Come on!

Beck: Okay, alright. I have to say the evidence is overwhelming. It is my ruling that Mrs. William’s claim has merit. I am awarding her the full amount in damages. Thank you all.

Mrs. William: [cheering] So we get the money? I can finally put Tylenol through college.

Lunestra: I can’t believe they stole that from you too.