Category:

Brother 2 Brother

Matty… Chris Hemsworth

Marky… Taran Killam

Mrs. Watkins… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Disney Channel video bumper]

Kid voice: You’re watching the Disney Channel. [Cut to the next show intro] Later, he’s only fifteen but he owns his own pizza place. It’s Cody Pepperoni. But first, it’s time for our brand new episode of “Brother 2 Brother.”

[Cut to Brother 2 Brother intro]

Intro song: It’s Brother 2 Brother
who are there for each other
in every possible way-ay-ay
through thick and through thin
are Calama twin
to help me get through the day-ay
Okay!

[Cut to Matty acting worried in a school hallway. Marky comes in. They’re both wearing same clothes.]

Marky: Matty, what’s wrong? You look down in the dumps. That’s not good.

Matty: Oh, I am Marky. I have a big calculus test today but I don’t know the first thing about math. I mean, what is a molecule anyway?

Marky: Matty, that’s science.

Matty and Marky: Oh, brothers!

Marky: I wish I could help you, but I have to meet Stacy in cafeteria in two minutes. And that’s only 120 seconds.

Matty: Wait a minute. That was math. You’re good at math.

Marky: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Matty: We switch places? You take my calculus test and I meet Stacy in cafeteria?

Marky: Yes, that is what I was thinking. It’s a plan.

Matty: A twin plan!

[Cut to a class]

Mrs. Watkins: Alright class, settle down. It’s time for the big calculus test. Now I hope you all studied.

[Marky walks in the class]

Marky: I know I did, Mrs. Watkins. Me, Matty. I’m ready to take the test and I know I’m gonna ace it. Me, Matty.

Mrs. Watkins: You’re not Matty, you’re Marky. Matty’s like, bigger and stronger. You know, with like, wider shoulders. You’re like smaller and and your skin isn’t as tan. Like, it’s paler. And like, you have that dark arm hair that kind of goes down to your hands. He doesn’t have that. His is like golder skin and also like golder hair.

[Marky is feeling insulted]

[Cut to Marky]

Marky: Ah! You caught me.

Mrs. Watkins: Yep, like his jaw [Cut to Marky and Mrs. Watkins] is just more defined. Like, your’s is softer. It’s just sort of slopes down to your neck. You know? He has these cheekbones. They’re just more sculpted. Like, your’s are puffier so you can’t see the structure of the face as much.

Marky: Well, ha-ha. Mrs. Watkins. You caught me.

Mrs. Watkins: And also, his chest goes out. Like it just takes up more room in the room. You know? And he has those– what are those called?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Triceps?

Mrs. Watkins: Yes! Triceps. Thank you. [Cut to Marky and Mrs. Watkins] They make his shirt tighter. Like, your’s is a little looser on the arms, you see? Where the sleeve ends?

Marky: Well, ha-ha. Sure do. Looks like I learned a good–

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: And Matty’s butt is different.

[Cut to Marky and Mrs. Watkins]

Mrs. Watkins: Right, right! Yes! His butt, yes!

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Coz, Matty’s is like, hard and round and like, up.

[Cut to Marky feeling insulted]

Marky: It is, but–

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Yeah, and your’s is like, “Well, I got to the bathroom on this thing.” You know?

[Cut to Marky]

Marky: Boy do I know.

[Matty peeks from the door]

Matty: Hey, Marky, how is it going?

Marky: Um, bad.

Matty: Hey, don’t get too good grade, it will be suspicious.

Marky: Ya, we’re not there yet.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Plus, I feel like Matty’s nipples are smaller and harder. Is that a thing?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Yeah! Because, you can always like, see them through his shirt.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Right! And we can’t see your’s. So, I feel like that means they’re puffier or wider or something?

[Cut to Marky looking insulted]

You know when like, a nipples puffy–

Marky: My dick’s bigger!

[Cut to Marky and Mrs. Watkins.]

Mrs. Watkins: What? How do you know that?

Marky: It’s not. [Marky starts crying]

[Cut to Brother 2 Brother outro]

Avengers News Report

Janet… Cecily Strong

Dani Powel… Bobby Moynihan

Thor… Chirs Hemsworth

Iron Man… Taran Killam

Dr. Bruce Banner… Pete Davidson

Nick Fury… Jay Pharoah

Captain America… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Action News seven intro]

Male voice: This is Action News seven Special Report.

[Cut to Janet in her news set]

Janet: Breaking news. This afternoon as Ultron and his evil army of robots have been defeated. And once again, mankind has the Avengers to thank. We go live to downtown Washington DC where our reporter Dani is on the scene.

[Cut to Dani in in the scene. Thor is taking selfies with the public.]

Dani: Hi Janet, I stand here where just moments ago, the Avengers claimed victory over Ultron’s forces. Joining me if I can get him over here is the mighty Thor. Hey Thor!

[Thor walks in]

Thor: Woohoo!

Dani: Can we talk to you for a second?

Thor: [singing] We are the champions my friend

What’s up?

Dani: Oh, wow. Thor, what a spectacular showing from the Avengers. How are you feeling?

Thor: Oh, man! I am on pure adrenaline right now. I’m at like an 11. I’m cranked up. Whooo!

[Thor kisses Dani on his cheek]

Dani: Oh, my goodness!

Thor: I’m sorry. I totally just kissed your head. That was weird.

Dani: That’s okay. Yo, there was a moment there where it looked like Ultron was definitely going to kill everyone.

Thor: Yeah. I gotta give it up to those robots. They fought hard. But luckily, I’m Thor!

[The public behind him cheer for him.]

Pi-pi-pi-pi. I don’t even know what I’m saying right now.

[Iron Man walks in]

Iron Man: Hey, um, don’t listen to a word this guy says.

Thor: Oh my god! This guy. Love this guy!

Dani: Mr. Stark. Is there anything you’d like to say?

Iron Man: Um, yeah. [Iron Man takes the mic] To the owner of a Blue Honda Accord, your lights are on. Oh, yeah, also there’s a building on it. Relax, that was a joke. Rim shot! Keep up people! Peace in the middle east. I’m going to Disney World.

Dani: Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Iron Man passes the mic back to Dani and leaves]

Thor: That guy has a dry sense of humor.

Dani: Oh-oh! And here comes Dr. Bruce Banner, a.k.a., the hulk.

[Dr. Bruce Banner walks in]

Dr. Banner.

Thor: This guy!

Dr. Bruce Banner: What happened?

Thor: You crushed it, man!

Dr. Bruce Banner: I think I ate a guy.

Thor: Yeah, you did. You ate a bunch of guys. You’re nut.

Dr. Bruce Banner: I need to sit down.

Thor: Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Dani: Dr. Bruce Banner–

Thor: Ay-Ay- Where is everyone going after this? We’re going out?

[The public cheering for him]

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: Dani, it seems like the Avengers are confident there will be no further attacks.

[Cut to Thor is dancing behind him.]

Dani: No, I don’t have official word, Janet. But I would say that sounds very accurate considering Thor is doing the running man. But wait, oh, here’s someone who can give us some answers. Avenger’s leader, Nick Fury.

[Nick Fury walks in]

Mr. Fury.

Nick Fury: What?

Dani: Does Ultron still pose a threat?

Nick Fury: No!

Dani: Great! You heard it here first.

[Thor and Iron Man walk in and pours a bucket of ice and water on Nick Fury]

Nick Fury: I’m freezing!

Thor: Stark’s idea! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Captin America walks in]

Captin America: Hey, may I address your viewers?

Dani: Of course. Janet, I am joined now by Captain America.

Captin America: Citizens, please be aware. The mayor’s order to remain in your home is still in effect. [Thor is mocking Captin America from behind] Many buildings are unstable and several fires are not yet contained. Thank you.

Dani: Thank you, sir.

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: Dani, do you have any new information about the extent of the damage? And when those evacuated might be allowed to return to their home?

[Cut to Dani. Thor is dancing behind.]

Dani: No, but Thor just informed me that the victory party is at the Dave&Busters on 9th street. And there also might be some late night karaoke. Okay, hey Thor. Still going.

[Thor takes the mic from Dani]

Thor: Hey, can I do a shoutout?

Dani: Of course, yeah!

Thor: Shout out to my brother Loki. I mean, I know we had our differences in the past and he tried to take over the world, but I love you man! And um, my ex! My ex, Jane. How do you like me now? Boom! Ha-ha. What else? What else? Check out my podcast on Soundcloud. It’s sick. It’s sick. Oh, and I’m sorry, we just destroyed your city.I love my life. Whooo!

[public cheering for Thor]

[Dani gives his hand for a high-five. Thor gives Dani a high-five, it breaks Dani’s hand.]

Dani: [screaming] Oh, my god!

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: Thank you, Dani. Our live coverage continues after this.

[Ends with Action News seven outro]

American Express Ad

Chris Hemsworth

[Starts with an SUV pulling over]

[Chris Hemsworth walks out of the car and to his studio for movie shooting.]

Chris Hemsworth narrating: I wasn’t always Thor. When I got to Hollywood, I said I’d never make it as an actor. They said I was too tall, too blonde, my muscles were too big. It didn’t happen overnight for me. I bounced around Hollywood for days! And then someone stopped me in the street and said, “You gotta be Thor. Come with me.” At my audition they said, “Um, we’re looking for a Thor type. Not actual Thor.” Then everybody laughed. And then they gave me a check for $8 million. They also said I’d never be able to have sex with a woman because my penis was too large. But then, I had sex with a lot of women. So I guess, they can’t say that anymore. They said I never looked cool with sunglasses, but check this out! [Chris Hemsworth wears sunglasses] Boom!

Female voice: Wherever the journey takes you, there is American Express.

Chris Hemsworth narrating: This is my journey. If a jacked Australian with a perfect face can make it, anyone can.

[American Express logo appears in the middle of the video]

Weekend Update Ruth Bader Ginsberg

Colin Jost

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: In a recent interview, 81 year old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg stated she has no intentions of retiring even though she is the oldest judge on the bench. Here now to comment is Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg slides in]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Woo! RBG in the house. Weekend Update, 2015, oh yeah!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg is dancing]

Colin Jost: Wow, welcome. You seem very spry for 81.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yeah, you’d be spry too if you had my morning routine. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] 100 pushups, 100 laps in the bathtub, and then I do my P90X where I pee 90 times. You know, I might be the oldest judge on the bench, but that doesn’t mean I’m the closest to death. Have you seen Justice Scalia? It looks like he’s permanently hooked up to an IV bag of ball in the ice. Huh! Hey, Scalia, you just got Ginsburned!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing again.]

Colin Jost: Justice Ginsburg, I gotta say that’s pretty harsh coming from you.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yeah, I’m like a horsefly. You know, I bite hard and I look like a horsefly.

Colin Jost: Now, what about the State of the Union where you were caught sleeping?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: No, I wasn’t sleeping. I was giving in to the weight of my glasses.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg lower’s her head and sleeps]

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, sorry. Um, Justice Ginsburg?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: What? Oh, no. I’m sorry. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] I was having a disgusting dream about Bruno Mars. He was Up Town Funking me.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! No, no, no. No, no, no.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: I know it’s short, but I like my men like I like my decisions. Five-four. That’s a third degree Ginsburned!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing]

Colin Jost: Jutice Ginsburg, come on! You know?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Colin, you know what? I’m living every 81 year old’s dream. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] I get paid to sit on a bench all day and judge people. But, you know how weird it is to be 81 years old and actually have people listen to what you say?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Okay, well the Chief Justice of Alabama actually said he won’t listen to your ruling on marriage equality.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Uh! [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] I expect that from Alabama, you know? They never recognize the ruling on incest either. The verdict is in, you’ve been Ginsburned!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancng]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! Oh, no, no, no, no. RBG! RBG!

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: What? Look! It doesn’t matter what Alabama does, okay? [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] Coz when I get a hold of that gay marriage ban, ouf! It’s gonna fall faster than Madonna at the Brit Awards! They say justice is blind but anybody can see, Ya-burned!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing]

Colin Jost: No! Ruth Bader Ginsburg, everybody!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Riblet

Michael Che

Riblet… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a haunted mansion at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A haunted ten bedroom mansion in Staten Island has been–

Male voice: [interrupting the news] Psst! Hey yo, Che!

Michael Che: [ignoring] — hold on sale for over $two million.

[Riblet is standing behind the camera]

Riblet: Yo Che! Come on, the boys are in the court! Come on man!

Michael Che: What are you doing, man? We are live right now.

[Riblet turns around and looks at cameras]

Riblet: Are we live? Yo, from New York? [Riblet runs to Michael Che behind the desk] Oh, yo! Introduce me, Che! Yo, come on! Don’t be a rude dude! What’s going down?

Michael Che: This is my buddy from high school, Riblet.

Riblet: Yeah! It’s Riblet baby!

Michael Che: Riblet, I told you last time. Please don’t bother me when I’m working, man!

Riblet: Oh, wow! Oh, so now I’m bothering you? Whilst you are working? Because it looks like you just sitting, Che!

Michael Che: I am not just sitting. I am working hard!

Riblet: Oh, please! [Cut to Riblet] I work at Friendly’s, boo! And I run Star Wars tribute night. What does that mean? I don’t work hord? I’m confused.

[Cut to Riblet and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yeah, that’s exactly what it means. You don’t work hord. This is not easy, Riblet!

Riblet: Oh! Oh, but Michael, it is baby! Even Riblet can do you jorb. Check-check-check it out.

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of eyelash at right top corner.]

{Reading news] A new study shows that humans have long eyelashes to keep their eyes from drying out. While a similar study shows that humans have fake eyelashes to let you know they nasty.

Oh! Shots fired!

[Cut to Riblet and Michael Che]

Oh, now tell me what Chewbacca’s real name is. Oh, you don’t know? It’s Peter Mayhew. I guess you don’t work as hord.

Michael Che: Riblet, just because you know the guy inside Chewbacca’s costume–

Riblet: That’s a costume? I thought that was a real monkey.

Michael Che: Yes. But, can you get out of here so I can finish, please?

Riblet: Oh, I’m sorry Che. Am I being a nuisance? Or what? You can’t finish unless Riblet is waiting in a cor? Come on, man. Well, break a news sucker!

Michael Che: Again?

[Cut to Riblet.There’s a picture of J.K. Simmons at right top corner.]

[Reading news] In his acceptance speech for best supporting actor, J.K. Simmons urged everyone watching to take their time to call their mother. And if you can’t find your mama’s number, Che, I know I got it! Oh!

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

Coz I’m the Ribita-ribita-ribita-Riblet! Now, tell me C-3PO’s real name. Oh, you didn’t know that? It’s Anthony Daniel. So, who’s smorter now?

Michael Che: I’m smorter. Alright, look, just because–

Riblet: I don’t believe you, Che!

Michael Che: Just because you know the guy and C-3PO’s costume–

Riblet: [yelling] That’s a costume too? There’s no way. That’s a skinny robit! How’s that possible?

Michael Che: Riblet, I’m just saying. There’s a lot more to this job–

Riblet: Jorb! It’s jorb.

Michael Che: — than being smart and knowing Star Wars stuff and telling jokes. You have to look nice, okay? You need a news anchor suit.

Riblet: Oh, what? I don’t look nice? Or what? I don’t look awesome? Ayo, Dan. Can I get a single on camera three homie? Please?

[Riblet opens his jacket. He has a suit on inside.]

Real quick, here we go. And, yoinks!

[Riblet takes his wig off.

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of a viral blue and black dress that many people thought was white and gold at right top corner.]

[cheers and applause]

Now, I don’t know what you see when you look at this picture. But when I look at this picture, [Picture changes to Michael Che] I see black and jorbless. Oh!

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet. A delivery boy comes in.]

Delivery boy: I have a package for Riblet.

Riblet: I’m Riblet.

Delivery boy: Okay. Here we go. Thank you. Oh, a package?

[Cut to Riblet. He’s opening the package.] Let’s see what we got here. Alright. OH, how nice?

[Riblet takes a mic out of the box and drops it on the table.]

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

Michael Che: My friend from high school, Riblet, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Kanye West Apologizes

Colin Jost

Kanye West… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, Kanye West made a public apology to Beck on twitter writing “I would like to publicly apologize to Beck, I’m sorry Beck.” Here to explain what he wrote is Kanye West.

[Kanye West slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Kanye West: Hah! What’s good SNL? All y’all are diamonds.

Colin Jost: Okay, thank you very much. Well, thank you for being here, Kanye. You okay?

Kanye West: Listen, I’m good fam. You know, I always sound like I’m out breath. You know, coz my thoughts are constantly running. [Kanye West breathes heavily]

Colin Jost: Got you, yes. Well, you know, it’s not often we see you apologize. Specially in public. So, this seems like a new side of you.

Kanye West: That’s right, Colin. It’s all about apologies. You know? [Cut to Kanye West] Yeah! So, first of all, I wanna say that it was wrong of me not to come to rehearsal today. So, I wrote an apology. Well, actually, I will do it off the top of my head.

I would like to apologize to Colin Jost.

[Cut to Kanye West and Colin Jost]

[yelling at Colin Jost] I’m sorry, Colin Jost.

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. I accept your apology.

Kanye West: [loud voice] No question, fam! My apology is on the level of Jesus. Hah! And right now, I just wanna get a greatest apology of all time, fam!

Colin Jost: Okay, that sounds great.

Kanye West: It is, fam. Drop that!

[Hiphop beat playing]

[Kanye West gets a mic]

[A girl comes close to Kanye dancing.]

[rapping] I’m sorry

[The girl starts singing in the background]

I got so many things to apologize for, so buckle up
I’m sorry
those Llamas that escaped from my private menagerie
I’m sorry
that I saw my own shadow that’s six more weeks of winne
I’m sorry
to the movie Selma for thinking that song Glory was all about me
I’m sorry
On this day, I turn a new leaf
I apologize to everyone
from the latest to the haters
to the waiter who took my order
when I said, “I’ll have a Kanye once.”
to all that I missed, over the years I dissed
and still getting killed for what I said to Taylor Swift
for shifting the blame, for taking your claim
for giving my baby North a directional name
I’m sorry
that I asked Apple to autocorrect the word Beck to Beyonce
I’m sorry
to Michael Keaton, I should have voted for you for the best acted instead of my self
I’m sorry
that this incredible apology is setting a bar too high for anybody else
I’m sorry

This has been the greatest apology of all time, fam! Ain’t it Colin? Hah?

Colin Jost: Yes, very humble. Kanye West, everybody!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a map picture of Ohio and a glass of water at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At this year’s international water tasting contest, Hamilton, Ohio won for having the best tasting water. While the town with the worst tasting water is Dookieville, Illinois.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Batman logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Pennsylvania college student has made a fully functional Batman costume that can withstand punches, machetes and baseball bats. He’s just like the real Batman, except his parents only wish they were dead.

Michael Che: Ha-ha-ha-ha. That si good.

[Picture changes to a file of research]

Colin Jost: New research suggest that people with attention deficit disorder are twice as likely to die at a younger age. Boring! On to the next story! Ow, my chest hurts!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a marijuana and paints at right top corner.]

Michael Che: So dumb! A new art class is being offered in Colorado which people openly smoke marijuana and paint. The class is called ‘Every Art Class’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a map of Seattle and an egg on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police in Seattle say a woman was knocked unconscious after she was hit by an egg thrown from a car that sped away. So, she never even heard the driver’s warning to [Picture changes to a rooster driving a car] stay out of chicken town.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of Chris Brown at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Chris Brown was forced to cancel upcoming concerts in Montreal and Toronto after being denied entry in Canada. But, hey, Chris, don’t beat yourself up over this.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Pope Francis and a Mexican flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Mexican officials are upset with Pope Francis after he said he was concerned about the increased drug trafficking in his native Argentina, calling it Mexicanization. Pope Francis later apologized calling his comment “As dumb as a Guatemalan.”

[Picture changes to two Llamas]

Authorities in Arizona spent nearly two hours chasing a pair of Llamas through the streets after they escaped from a petting zoo. But thankfully, this story has a happy ending. No one was hurt and Llamas were safely returned to their prison of unwanted touching.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Alex Rodriguez at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alex Rodriguez reported to Yankeez spring training this week after completing his 162 game suspension. “You know, it feels good to be back at work”, said A Rod’s steroid dealer.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: What’s up, everybody?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Middle East map at left top corner.]

This week, ISIS, destroyed priceless artwork in Mosul, recruited even more teenagers and delivered a devastating psychological attack that made us question everything we believe in.

[Picture changes to a viral blue and black dress that many people thought was white and gold.]

Is it white and gold? It’s white and gold, right? Look at it.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Che, what do you think?

Michael Che: I don’t care, man! At all.

Colin Jost: I mean, it’s crazy. I mean, have you ever seen two groups of people look at the exact same image and have two totally different opinions about it?

Michael Che: Yeah, I remember one time.

[Cut to a picture of Barack Obama looking fair.]

Hey, what color is that?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a speech this week Hilary Clinton stressed the need for compromise in Washington. Saying she hopes to lead the country into “A warm purple space.” Which is the same line Grimace uses to get you into his [Picture changes to a cartoon Grimace and a delivery van] windowless van.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Obama this week vetoed the Keystone XL pipeline which was only the third veto he has issued as president. The used the other two to shut down proposed extensions of [Picture changes to Joe Biden smiling under blanket fort] Joe Biden’s White House Blanket Fort.

[Picture changes to Islamic flag and two teenage girls]

British authorities are saying there is a disturbing trend of upper class teenage girls running away from home to join ISIS. Damn, first Brooklyn, now ISIS. Rich girls with gentrify anything. ISIS is only a Trader Joe’s away from being the first terror group dismantled by a rent increase. Though, I am looking forward to the inevitable new face of ISIS, [Picture changes to Iggy Aalea wearing hijab. Her name is written as ‘Iggy Al-Zalea’ in the banner behind her] ‘Iggy Al-Zalea. Showing all the Grammy’s.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a new interview, Donald Trump says that he is more serious than ever about running for president in twentysixteen. “Great”, said his interviewer. [Picture changes to Donald Trump at the cash counter of grocery store.] “But my question was, paper or plastic?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of marijuana at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, marijuana is the safest recreational drug people can use. “Huh, interesting”, said a million black dudes in jail for marijuana.

Press Junket

Dakota Johnson

Interviewer… Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Peter… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Fifty Shades of Grey press room. Dakota is doing an interview.]

Dakota: The franchise has such a dedicated fan base. So, I really wanted to make sure I did the character justice.

Interviewer: Oh, great! Great! That’s just great. Well, you can for this tomorrow in the Detroit Free press.

[Interviewer smiles and leaves]

[Kate walks to Dakota]

Dakota: Oh, my god! I hate these things. Please tell me that was the last one.

Kate: Dakota, you’re doing great! I promise you’re gonna like this next one. He’s a student at Franklin Middle School. Peter, you can come in.

[Cut to Peter walking in. He is dressed geeky.]

Peter: Hi, Dakota. Oh, my name is Peter Scholfinly and I always get the scoop. Especially if it’s icecream.

[Cut to Dakota, Kate and Peter]

Dakota: [laughing] Oh, my god. You’re so sweet.

Kate: Peter writes a showbiz column for the Franklin flyer. And, um, here he’s got some questions about what it’s like being a real movie star.

Dakota: Alright, just go easy on me.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Of course, of course. Well, let’s jump right in. So, in your new movie, there’s a lot of kissing. Was it gross?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [laughing] Well, Pete, when you’re making a movie, the secret is to remember that it’s all pretend.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Got it. Acting equals pretending. Now, in the film, during one of your first violent sexual encounters with Kristen Grey, he ties you to a bed, removes your blouse and blindfolds you. Right?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Yeah!

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: He then uses an ice cube to trace along the body of your curves pausing at your exposed breasts. I gotta ask. Was it cold?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Um, yeah, it was cold.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: This is a great stuff. Ice cube was cold. Moving on…

[Cut to Dakota and Kate]

Kate: Peter, have you seen the movie?

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Yes, but I might have a bit of a time crisis, so let’s limit the interruptions.

[Cut to Dakota and Kate. Kate looks speechless.]

[Cut to Peter]

Now, when Kristen shows you his playroom for the first time, you asked if there was an Xbox in there. I gotta ask. Does your character play video games?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [laughing] That’s a good question. I don’t think she does.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Alright. She prefers twisted games of sexual pain and domination.

[Cut to Dakota and Kate]

Kate: Okay, Peter. I don’t think this is appropriate subject matter for your school paper.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Actually, that’s something for my editor to decide. So, you mind getting me a water?

[Cut to Dakota and Kate]

Dakota: Oh, my!

Peter: Thank you so much.

[Kate leaves to get water.]

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Ms. Johnson, to be totally honest, what I really wanna know is how do I talk to the girls in my class?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Oh!

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: [continuing the same question] …into choking me hard while I wear a human pony harness?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Oh, my! I don’t think I can answer any more question. How were you even allowed to see this movie?

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: My dad took me last Friday. And on Saturday. And three times on Sunday. It’s his favorite movie.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [speechless] Oh!

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Because of artists like you, my father and I get to have a little bit of time together. Well, anyway. Sorry for wasting your time.

[cut to Dakota and Peter]

Dakota: No, Peter. It’s okay. Why don’t we just finish the interview?

Peter: You mean it?

Dakota: Yeah, absolutely.

Peter: Wow, okay.  [Cut to Peter] Now, in the book, um, Anastasia says, I’m paraphrasing here, “I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat. He’s my very own Kristen Grey flavored popsicle.”

[Cut to Dakota looking speechless]

[Cut to Peter]

Like I said, I love popsicles. What’s your favorite dessert?

[Cut to Dakota looking speechless]

Dakota: I guess, I like pie.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Hmm, delicious! My readers will love–

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Okay, well, Peter, I wish you the best of luck. And it was so nice to meet such a curious young man.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Wait, I almost forgot. I end all my interviews with this question. Woody or Buzz Lightyear?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Um, probably Buzz, I guess.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: I knew it, Ms. Johnson. I think you’re really gonna like this piece.

[Cut to a news paper article with the topic, “I had sex with Buzz”. It has photos of Dakota Johnson and Buzz from Toy Story.]