Category:

Harassment Awards

Danny Kilmartin… Beck Bennett

Yolanda beaks… Cecily Strong

Tom Sturgeson… Alex Moffat

Lenny Martin… Pete Davidson

Renee Genevieve… Kate McKinnon

Ronald Kellogg… Kenan Thompson

Heidi Gardner

Kevin… Chris Redd

Tim Franklin… Charles Barkley

Catherine LeBourge… Aidy Bryant

Jack… Luke Null

[Starts with a video clip of Hollywood city]

Male voice: And now, The Academy of Sexual harassment and Misconduct in Hollywood presents, The Grabbies. Celebrating this year’s worst behavior in entertainment. We take you live to the red carpet with [Cut to Danny and Yolanda in the event] Danny Kilmartin and Yolanda Beaks.

Yolanda: Alright, it is finally that time of year. And what a year it’s been.

Danny: I’m sure excited, and as a man, I’m nervous. [smiling]

Yolanda: So many folks in Hollywood have been accused of so much this year but who will take home the coveted Grabbie?

[Danny shows the award. The award is two hands positioned as they’re going to grab something.]

Danny: I was about to jokingly grab you with the award, Yolanda, but then I stopped myself.

Yolanda: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Good instinct, Danny. And look who’s heading our way. Grabby nominee, Tom Sturgeson.

[Tom Sturgeson walks in]

Tom Sturgeson: Hey, guys. Hey, it’s really upsetting to be here tonight. [smiling]

Danny: So, Tom, you’re nominated for ‘Handsiest Actor’.

Tom Sturgeson: Um, that’s right. I gave out a lot of unwanted massages to my female costars. Also, I showed an intern my penis and said, “Any idea?”

Yolanda: Wow! Don’t want to jinx it but that sounds like award winning behavior to me.

Tom Sturgeson: Well, thanks. You think so, but it’s such a tough category this year. The competition is so stiff. I’m sorry, poor choice of words. I just mean everyone’s rock hard to be here.

Yolanda: Okay. Move along.

Tom Sturgeson: Yeap, I get that.

[Tom Sturgeson walks away]

And look who it is. Approaching us on the red carpet, one of the nominees for ‘Most Open Robe’, Lenny Martin.

Danny: Lenny, who are you wearing tonight?

Lenny Martin: Um, thin sweatpants with no underwear.

Yolanda: Umm, terrific. Now, this is such a huge moment for you. You must be so ashamed!

Lenny Martin: You think so but no.

Danny: Now, can you give us a preview of your speech tonight if you win?

Lenny Martin: Of course. Well, first I’d like to thank guns for pivoting the national conversation away from harassment. I’d also like to thank my uncle for always saying, “Boys will be boys.” Even when it was like OJ. And of course, I’d like to thank drugs and puking for keeping me in shape. It’s hard to look this good when you’re 57.

Danny: Ha-ha-ha. I like this guy.

Yolanda: Danny, don’t!

Danny: Alright.

Yolanda: Now, let’s start over to Renee who is standing by with a very special guest.

[Cut to Renee. She is standing with Ronald Kellogg and Heidi. Ronald Kellogg and Heidi are together. They’re holding hands.]

Renee: That’s right. I’m here with Ronald Kellogg who is receiving the coveted ‘Cecil B. Molestin’ lifetime achievement award.

Ronald Kellogg: You know, when I started out in this business I was just a kid with two hands, one floppy penis and no sense of boundaries. And now look at me. Praise to the devil. And if the clean up crew at the Peninsula Hotel is watching, get to bed you guys. You’re gonna have a big morning tomorrow.

Renee: [laughing] Okay, great. And is this your wife? [pointing at Heidi]

Ronald Kellogg: Um, no, this is a prostitute.

Heidi: This is fun.

Ronald Kellogg: Oh, you like that? Why don’t you eat this apple?

Renee: Okay, cool. Back to you Yolanda and Danny.

[Cut to Yolanda and Kevin. Kevin is there replacing Danny]

Yolanda: Oh, correction! Yolanda and Kevin. Because that stuff we always suspected about my cohost Danny just showed up on Babe.net.

Kevin: Happy to be here. Is this a trap?

Yolanda: And look who it is. He is nominated tonight for “Best Non Apology’, Tim Franklin.

Tim Franklin: Hey, honey. How is it going?

Yolanda: And his hand is already on the small of my back.

Tim Franklin: Oops! That’s why I’m nominated.

Yolanda: Yeah. Now, when women first started speaking out in Hollywood, you made a public statement.

Tim Franklin: That’s right. I said all women deserve to be heard.

Yolanda: Right. And then, when a woman accused you of misconduct, what did you do?

Tim Franklin: I called her a liar and troll. I had my lawyer publish her home address.

Kevin: Um, but I can’t help notice you’re wearing several pins. Is that a “Time’s Up” pin right up there?

Tim Franklin: Oh, it’s a “Tim’s up”, coz my name is “Tim”, and I’m “UP” to trying anything.

Yolanda: And, does that one say, “I’m with her?”

Tim Franklin: No. It says, “I’m with Herpes.” The doctors gave it to me this morning.

Yolanda: Well. I hope you get what’s coming to you. And Renee, what kind of swag bag are people taking home tonight?

[Cut to Renee]

Renee: Well, all the nominees tonight get a gift certificate to Massage Envy. They’ve got over 1,000 locations and over 10,000 accusations. And speaking of accusations, here comes the first woman ever nominated for a Grabby, Catherine LeBourge

Catherine LeBourge: Yes, so proud to be here.

Renee: Wow! You know, for a woman to get accused, you must have done something truly extraordinary.

Catherine LeBourge: Yes. I bit off an intern’s penis.

Renee: Ah! Amazing. Amazing.

Catherine LeBourge: Yeah. Well, I thought it was a about time that Women got into some trouble too. That’s why from here on out, I’ll be peeping peepees and squeezing sausages all over Tinseltown.

Renee: Okay. That’s great. And which movie did you work on this year?

Catherine LeBourge: Oh. “Shape of Water.” It was actually my job to get the fish horny.

Renee: Well, congratulations. And back to Yolanda and Heidi.

[Cut to Yolanda and Jack. Jack is replacing Kevin.]

Yolanda: Nope. Kevin’s gone too. This is… I wanna say Jack.

Jack: I’d rather not say.

Yolanda: Oh! Good call. We’re gonna take a quick break. And we’ll be back with the nominees for ‘Best Animated Grope’ and ‘Worst Thing Done To A Plant.’

Jack: Oh, man! Twitter just found out my name.

[Cut to The Grabbies video bumper]

Male voice: When The Grabbies return on ABC.

Con Ed Repair Site

Chet… Kenan Thompson

Jack… Charles Barkley

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a group of men working at the construction repair site. One is using a jackhammer It’s making a lot of noise.]

Chet: Hey, hey, hey. Jack, jack, shut it down. Shut it down. [Jack shuts it down] You’ve been on the jackhammer all day. Stop hogging it. Let somebody else get in there.

Jack: I don’t mind. I love it. There’s something about breaking pavement that relaxes me. [Chet takes the jackhammer]

Beck: Heads up guys. Killer babe, ten o’clock.

[A very attractive woman walks by]

Chris: Damn girl. You’re really killing them.

[The woman turns around]

Woman: Don’t! Don’t even, okay? This may come as a shock to you but I am not n object and you need to wake up.

[The woman leaves.]

Men: Oh!

Chris: All I was gonna say is it was nice. You look nice. And thanks for the splashing color.

Beck: Yeah. Yeah. Right. Of course you were.

Jack: Why do always ladies get to wear the best color? You can’t find that magenta that sings like that in men’s clothes.

Chet: You know, sometimes– you know, this might be stupid but I wonder what I would wear, you know? If was like a lady, you know? Like, what my style would be?

Beck: Where are we going with this?

Pete: I don’t know. Chet is right. I mean, it’s so dumb but women have so many options. You know what I mean?

Mikey: Yeah. I mean, when you look at my closet, it’s just a sea of tans and browns. But, I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Jack: I am with you with that. Why do women get to echo the season with such a playful ways?

Chris: Hell! I’ma say this. If I were a woman, I’d rock a high waisted harem pants. There it is.

Beck: Did we get high and I not know about it? Come on, guys. Let’s eat roast beef sandwiches and talk about the girls we’d like to date around with.

Chet: Man, we do that everyday. Today, we’re exploring our new avenue.

Mikey: You know, sometimes when I watch the Oscars and the red carpet, I’m like, “How would I wow them if I were a nominated actress?” I don’t know. Right?

Jack: I think I’d wear a gown that had a large peekaboo hole in the back. I’d put a backward necklace with a little pendant that comes around and float in the middle. I don’t know. I’m just spitballing.

Chet: Huh! Well, what might you carry as a clutch there, Jack?

Jack: Something small. Just big enough for my phone, acceptance speech and a few pills.

Pete: I’d like to think how I’d pose on the carpet. Maybe something like this. [Pete does the pose] I don’t know. It’s one of my bad things.

Chet: You know, I think I might wear like a gold slouchy boot. You know? The one that you can push down around your ankle. maybe some shimmery stretch pants with like, an oversized soft piece sweat top that has like, a large enough neck opening so they will fall down. I don’t know. Suppose in like, one shoulder. And maybe the shirt would have like, a phrase on the front. Like, “I’m no angel.” I don’t know.

Guys: [laughing] You wearing that to the Oscars?

Jack: You out of your mind. That’s a VMA look. You don’t disrespect The Academy show looking like brass doll.

Chet: Ay! You putting words in my mouth. I never said I’d wear that to the Oscars.

Jack: Don’t be mad at me. We were talking about the Oscars. And you bring up this outfit sounding like straight out of mannequin from Strawberries.

Guys: Oh!

Pete: It went there!

Chet: Well, maybe you’re just jealous because you wouldn’t be able to pull that look off.

Jack: I outta crack your skull right now.

Beck: Ay, easy! I’m trying to digest my roast beef here. Can we change the subject please?

Chris: Definitely. So, pantyhose or no? Where are we at?

Jack: That’s a big no. What are you? A cemetery from the 80s?

Beck: Guys, come on. Heads up. What’s coming our way.

[Another very attractive woman walks by them]

Hey, you looking hot.

Woman: Get a freaking life, you moron.

Beck: You know what? [music playing in the background] Toxic masculinity is a pair of velvet handcuffs. And gender norms have the hidden key. I’m comfortable with it. But I know I’m restricted. Hell, I couldn’t even figure out what dress I’d wear to the Oscars. It’s because I have no imagination. My mind can’t go there. You know? I’m not suited for abstract thinking.

Jack: Well, I think you’d probably wear long denim skirt with a really thin metallic belt.

Mikey: Yeah. With like, a nice shawl.

Beck: A shawl? Is my daughter getting married? Why am I covering my shoulders?

Chet: Well, we think that will look good on you.

Beck: [yelling] You would! You have no taste. I can’t believe this is how you see me. I thought you guys were my friends.

[Beck walks away]

Jack: What was that all about? Give me that jackhammer back. This is stressing me out.

[The End]

 

Charles Barkley Athletes Monologue

Charles Barkley

Michael Che

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Charles Barkley.

[Charles Barkley walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Charles Barkley: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m an athlete and athletes’ been speaking a lot this year. They’ve been kneeling during the anthem, refusing to go to the White House, but a lot of professional athletes are worried about speaking out might hurt their career. Well, there’s something that contradicts all of that. Me! I’ve been saying whatever the hell I want for 30 years and I’m doing great. [cheers and applause] I’m hosting SNL for the 4th time for no reason other than Lorne Michaels just wanted somebody to talk to about Black Panther. But this country has had a great tradition of athletes speaking their minds. Muhammad Ali changed the way people thought about Vietnam. Jim Brown had people thinking about race. Michael Jordan even thought it was okay for humans to play with Looney Tunes.

Well, some folks still think we’re all spoiled millionaires. But athletes work hard. I’m successful because I have a great work ethic. I’m responsible. And when I was born, I was three feet tall and weighed 26 pounds. But some people don’t want to hear from professional athletes. Like, there’s a lady on FOX News who told LeBron James to shut up and dribble. And dribbling is like, LeBron’s only four things he’s good at. Shooting, passing and magically making his hairline come back.

But the media does this stuff all the time. I went to president Obama’s 50th birthday party. They got video of me and Jay-Z, Steve Harvey in Grand Hill at the party. And FOX News called it ‘a hiphop barbecue’. First of all, we were the only four black people there. And three of us ain’t even in hiphop. So calling it a hiphop barbecue is like any tournament Tiger plays in, deaf golf jam.

Look, I gotta mess with people complaining about athletes. We can do a lot more than dribble. I’m a broadcaster. I wrote a book. I even got my own wine. That’s true. It’s called CB Vineyards. It’s the only chardonnay that pairs great with a sausage biscuit. Yeah. You know what? But at the end of the day, athletes are the only ones speaking out in their communities.

[Michael Che walks in]

Michael Che: Ay! Wow! Wow! Charles! What about comedians? [cheers and applause] We speak all the time.

Charles Barkley: Well, look at you, Michael. Nobody takes you seriously.

Michael Che: Well, tell that to the people who called me racist just for telling jokes.

Charles Barkley: I’m sorry to hear that.

Michael Che: Well, they did make a good point.

Charles Barkley: People should be able to disagree. For example, I’m proud to stand for the anthem. Unless Fergie’s singing it, and I just fall over laughing. Coz it’s hilarious.

Michael Che: And I stay seated for the anthem because I’m still in my Uber. Because black people are always late.

Charles Barkley: That’s not true.

Michael Che: I told you I’m a racist.

Charles Barkley: Hey! I might agree with that. But you can say you still have you career. And all your athletes out there, you can too. So, LeBron, keep on dribbling and don’t ever shut up. And maybe one day, you can host SNL for the 4th time just like me.

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: That was beautiful, man!

Charles Barkley: Shut up! Hey, so buckle up! It’s gonna be a real hiphop barbecue in here tonight. We got a great show. Migos is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Weekend Update- Willie on February

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: It’s the beginning of February which is the shortest month and often the coldest. It can be hard on your spirit, so here to cheer us up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! Ay, Michael! Oh, man! I just love February. 28 days of fun and excitement. By the way, ground hog saw his shadow yesterday. So you know what that means?

Michael Che: What’s that, Willie?

Willie: Six more weeks of leaving your oven door open for heat.

Michael Che: That’s really dangerous, man.

Willie: Ay! President’s day is coming, Michael! That means mattress sales.

Michael Che: Okay.

Willie: You know, last year I got a mattress for only 36.

Michael Che: Really? where?

Willie: The police auction. Oh! It’s a nice one too. When you turn on the black light, you can see all the little constellation.

Michael Che: That’s disgusting, man.

Willie: Michael! You will never guess what I did for this Black History Month.

Michael Che: Do I wanna know?

Willie: Yeah. I went and traced my ancestry.

Michael Che: That’s pretty cool, Willie. I was going to do that.

Willie: You should, Michael. It’s really easy. All you gotta do is send your full name, social security number and all your bank information to West Africa and you wait for the results.

Michael Che: Willie, that sounds like a scam.

Willie: Well, excuse me, Michael, but do you really think that the grand nephew of Prince Hakutamatata would fall for a scam?

Michael Che: Nah! I guess he wouldn’t, man.

Willie: You know, it’s like my ancestors used to always say back in the village. You had us a free boat trip!

Michael Che: Whoa! Whoa! Willie, Willie, how is this supposed to make anybody feel better about February?

Willie: Well, what about Valentine’s day, Michael? Don’t you have somebody special to spend it with?

Michael Che: No.

Willie: That’s alright. I’m a little embarrassed to say this but I bought one of those super realistic sex dolls off the internet.

Michael Che: Really?

Willie: Yup. I caved. Got a great deal on it too. She looks so realistic. Long white hair, long sharp nails, skin cold to the touching.

Michael Che: Oh, no.

Willie: Limbs, stiff as a board. As soon as I unzipped that big black bag and saw her wide eye staring back at me, I knew I was going to be in the house all night.

Michael Che: Alright, man.

Willie: Michael, it’s like they always say, “Sex dolls don’t have toe tags, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, super realistic, huh?

Willie: Yeah.

Michael Che: So, Willie, you’re gonna watch Super Bowl?

Willie: Oh, no, no, no. I’m gonna watch the Puppy Bowl instead. Yeah. My old dog Lucias used to be a coach.

Michael Che: Your dog Lucias coached the Puppy Bowl?

Willie: Yeah. He sure did. Old Lucias taught those puppies how to run really fast. And then he jumped on top of them and pinned their shoulders down to teach them how to tackle. And then he put his paw over their mouths to teach em’ how to keep quiet.

Michael Che: No, no, man.

Willie: It’s like they always say, Michael, “Your dog is a puppy molester, Willie!”

Michael Che: Alright! My neighbor, Willie, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Filming a Commercial

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Super Bowl is tomorrow. And as always, there’s a lot of excitement about the ads. Here to talk about his recent experience making an ad is our own, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Hey.

Pete Davidson: Hello. How are you?

Colin Jost: I’m great. Um, so Pete, you shot a commercial recently, right?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. A few months ago, I shot a Dockers commercial because things in my career are going exactly how I want them to go. No, I’m just playing. Dockers are great. I wear them all the time. They’re dope. It’s like they say, they’re comfy and they’re clean. They’re Dockers.

Colin Jost: Great work there. We got it. Nice. [Pete Davidson winks] Seamless plus. Great.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. For sure. The premise of the campaign was I had to go out on the streets of San Francisco and get people to take their pants off and trade them for a pair of Dockers. But what was crazy was we shot the campaign like, a month before all the Weinstein, Spacey sexual harassment stuff happened. So, like, every week more and more articles are coming out about like, these monsters and in between those articles are ads of me out on the street like, “Hey lady, you wanna take your pants off? I’m Pete Davidson.”

Colin Jost: Yeah. So, not an ideal timing.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. And I was out there like, forever. Nobody would listen to me. I felt like Al Gore trying to tell people about global warming. Miami’s not gonna exist soon, by the way. Did you know what?

[silence]

See? Nobody wants to hear that stuff.

[laughter]

Colin Jost: Anyway, the Dockers ad.

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah. So, after hours and hours, I finally got a guy to stop. And I was like, “Oh, thank god. We’ll have like, one good interview.” And I was like, “What’s up, man? What’s your name? Where are you from?” He’s like, “I’m Steve. I’m from Oakland.” I was like, “Oh! What brings you to San Francisco, Steve?” He goes, “My daughter.” And I said, “Oh, wow! That’s sweet, man. What are you? Like, visiting her college or something?” And he says, “No. She’s in the hospital.” And I was like, “Oh, my god. Is everything gonna be okay?” And he says, “I hope so. She has cancer.” And I was like, “Would you like to take your pants off and trade them in for a pair of Dockers?”

Colin Jost: Wow! That was good.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. That’s the commercial.

Colin Jost: That’s a great– Also, by the way, what happened to your hand? [pointing at Pete Davidson’s hand. He has a bandage on his right hand.]

Pete Davidson: Oh. I punched a door. It’s a really good story. You see, like, I have mental problems. [silence] That’s the story.

Colin Jost: That’s the story. Yeah. Great.

Pete Davidson: No, but it has been a learning experience. You know? I got really good at doing things with my left hand, if you know what I mean.

Colin Jost: Yes.

Pete Davidson: No, no, no. I’ve always been close with the right. But the left’s really had a chance to shine.

Colin Jost: That’s great.

Pete Davidson: You know. When Drew Bledsoe got hurt and Tom Brady sub did.

Colin Jost: Everyone knows. Everyone knows what you’re talking about.

Pete Davidson: I learned how to masturbate with my left hand.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everybody.

Pete Davidson: [pointing at his left hand] The GOAT!

Weekend Update- Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve

Colin Jost

Brigitte Bardot…Kate McKinnon

Catherine Deneuve… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Nearly, 100 female activists and actresses in France have signed a letter saying that the #metoo movement has gone too far. Here to explain their controversial views are two legendary French actresses, Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve.

[Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve slide in. Brigitte Bardot is holding a cigarette and Catherine Deneuve is holding a glass of wine in their hands.]

[cheers and applause]

Catherine Deneuve: Alu-alu-alu.

Brigitte Bardot: Yes!

Catherine Deneuve: Thank you. Thank you, Colin. Don’t be nervous being around two beautiful women. You know, we can still have some fun. We will not discourage you from being a man.

Brigitte Bardot: A man is man. And woman is a woman. If they are not, they are homos.

Catherine Deneuve: Oh, Brigitte, come on! No, no, no, no. We were having fun. Let them get to know you first.

Brigitte Bardot: Oh, it’s okay.

Catherine Deneuve: Yeah, yeah. She’s 83 years.

Colin Jost: Oh, she’s 83?

Brigitte Bardot: What did you say?

Catherine Deneuve: Sweetie, I said you are a legend. Brigitte Bardot.

[They kiss each other’s cheeks.]

Great!

Colin Jost: That’s great. Well, it’s an honor to have both of you here. What is your main complaint about the #metoo movement?

Catherine Deneuve: Look, look. [Brigitte Bardot is staring at something away] It’s important in France to question, to debate. To challenge popular opinion. For me, I just– I don’t want romance to die. But, if I went to far, hurting a woman, that was absolutely not my intention. You understand?

Colin Jost: Okay. Yeah, of course.

Brigitte Bardot: And me, I stand by everything I have said. And I will double down. Free Harvey Weinstein!

Catherine Deneuve: Oh!

Brigitte Bardot: This is a real man.

Catherine Deneuve: No, no, no, no. Come on. That’s not what this is. No, no, no. Look, look. I think what we both think, it’s women have a beautiful body, yeah? Men have a beautiful body. Why can’t we have the freedom to explore and enjoy? What is more French than that? You know?

Colin Jost: Okay.

Brigitte Bardot: Why does a woman have breasts? This is for a man to grab and pull. “Come with me. Come with me.”

Catherine Deneuve: Sweetie, no.

Brigitte Bardot: A door has a knob. A woman has two knobs.

Catherine Deneuve: It’s not. No. Oh! This woman. You know, I’m beginning to think i should not have aligned myself with her. Ah! You know, what can I say? I’m impulsive. I could kiss you now, Colin.

Colin Jost: Oh! No, we can’t. We’re on the news.

Catherine Deneuve: Well.

Brigitte Bardot: Well, he is homo. I told you.

Catherine Deneuve: Brigitte, come on!

Brigitte Bardot: No! No! You know, I love homo. My only friends are you and birds and homo.

Catherine Deneuve: Come on, baby. So many of the things. This woman says a problematic. Brigitte! We are here to explain opposition. You remember?

Brigitte Bardot: I remember.

Catherine Deneuve: We talked about this.

Brigitte Bardot: Oh, yeah, we are woke.

Catherine Deneuve: Yes.

Colin Jost: Right. And you guys do think that women are equal to men, right?

Catherine Deneuve: Yes, yes, yes. Women want to be equal to men, yes. But, we also want to be desire.

Brigitte Bardot: Give the female cat.

Catherine Deneuve: Oh, boy. Come on.

Brigitte Bardot: She scream because she wants to be dead.

Catherine Deneuve: I told her don’t say this, man.

Brigitte Bardot: She scream! [making cat noises]

Catherine Deneuve: But she’s gonna do it.

Brigitte Bardot: And then when she is attacked, she scream even more. [making cat noise]

Catherine Deneuve: Okay. Okay. So, I think we have– we cleared it up, huh? No? So? we are both French. Brigitte is very old and very wrong. Yup!

Brigitte Bardot: You are freaking old too, bitch!

Catherine Deneuve: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, the great Brigitte.

[Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve kiss each other’s cheeks]

Colin Jost: I was gonna say it. Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve.

Weekend Update on the Nunes Memo

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and some papers at left top corner.]

President Trump authorized the release of a memo that claims the FBI improperly spied on his campaign despite warnings from the FBI and the Department of Justice that the memo was inaccurate. Coz if anyone’s concerned with accuracy, [Picture changes to Donald Trump playing tennis] it’s Mr. 239 pounds.

[Picture changes to Devin Nunes]

This memo came from a 40 year old virgin Devin Nunes who is chairman of the House of Intelligence Committee. I gotta say, I don’t really trust this guy to untangle a vast conspiracy. I wouldn’t really trust him to untangle a pair of headphones. Now, I’m trying to put myself in his shoes and it’s pretty easy coz his shoes are velcro, but I don’t really understand how any of this is important. So, I’m just gonna treat this memo like every other memo I’ve received at work and completely ignore it. At this point, if you actually want to get my attention, the bar is set at, “Pornstar spanks president with magazine.” Also, this is a four page memo that just cherry picks information from FISA document that’s like, 50 or 60 pages long. It’s like, when you see a blurb for “Transformers 5” and it says, “It blew my mind…” when the full quote is, “It blew my mind that god allowed this.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and some papers at right top corner.]

Michael Che: First of all, you know damn well Donald Trump didn’t read this memo. It’s four pages long. And the only time Donald Trump reads four pages in a row is when he’s ordering breakfast. [Picture changes to Donald Trump looking at the menu.] And to prove it, here’s an actual clip of Donald Trump explaining the memo.

[Cut to Donald Trump in a press conference]

Donald Trump: But I think it’s a disgrace what’s happening in our country. And when you look at that and you see that and so many other things what’s going on, um, lot of people should be ashamed of themselves and much worse than that.

[Cut back to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Listen to him stammer. He sounds like Colin when I asked him if his family ever owned slaves.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at State of the Union at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Can we have this conversation off camera? President Trump gave his first State of the Union address on Tuesday and received mostly positive reviews. But that’s only because we expect so little from Trump at this point that when he behaves even remotely human, we’re all really impressed. It’s sort of like when you see a video of a rat taking a shower and you think, “Aw, look, he’s doing human stuff.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ruth Ginsberg at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg did not attend the State of the Union. Unfortunately, she was caught up in a stiff wind. [Picture changes to Ruth Ginsberg holding a flag stand while wind is carrying her away.]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump entering the chamber]

As president Trump entered the chamber for the State of the Union, members of the Congressional Black Caucus remain seated in protest. [Picture changes to a group of people looking upset sitting at the chamber] They were mostly silent with an occassional, “Umgh!” Look at all these angry black faces. They look like my grandmother’s church after the choir directly came out of the closet.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and his tweet at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump also tweeted that he had the highest ratings ever for State of the Union address which, get this, wasn’t true. And this time, even FOX News fact checked on him. [Picture changes to FOX News tweet that has numbers.] You know you’re running your mouth too much when even your hype man is like, “You know, that ain’t exactly accurate though.”

[Michael Che laughing hard]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump at an interview]

So far.

Michael Che: That one’s good.

Colin Jost: Oh, thank you. Then in a new interview, president Trump stated that he is not a feminist. Was he getting accused of that a lot?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a pictures of Jay-Z and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Michael Che: After Jay-Z criticized president Trump’s vulgar comments about African nations, Trump responded with, [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Somebody please inform Jay-Z that because of my policies, Black Unemployment has just been reported to be at the LOWEST RATE EVER RECORDED!” [Cut to Michael Che] Yeah, but because of Obama. Not the awful jobs that you brought in. Black people ain’t trying to sling coal. Trump is just appropriating Obama’s success. It’s no different than white woman taking credit for, “Yas Queen.”

Weekend Update on Black History Month

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on February 2018 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week marks the start of, “Okay, but what about white history month?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Super Bowl logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow night, the New England Patriots will face the Philadelphia Eagles on Super Bowl 52. So whether you’re Pats fan or Eagles fan, remember, child support was due on the first.

[Picture changes to the movie “The Passion of the Christ”.]

It was reported that a sequel is in the works for the Mel Gibson movie “The Passion of the Christ.” So, get ready to see, “I still know what Jews did last summer.” You know, I refuse to see another “Passion of the Christ” movie unless Jesus has a line, “You crossed the wrong guy.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of South African flag and a tap at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing]

Colin Jost: Nailed it!

Michael Che: No. [cheers and applause] Experts are saying that Cape Town, South Africa will completely run out of water on April 12. Meanwhile in the rest of the world, [Cut to a video of a mouse taking bath using soap.] [Cut to Michael Che] It’s pretty insane that a major city is about to completely run out of water in like, two months and I’m just now hearing about this. This is kind of embarrassing. I feel like I should care more about Africa. Kind of like when you run into an old friend and ask, “Hey, how’s your kid?” And she’s like, “Che, he’s your son too.”

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael che

[Starts with Michael che in his news set. There’s a picture of Molly Schuyler winning celebrating victory at right top corner.]

Michael che: Molly Schuyler has set a new world record at this year’s Wing Bowl by eating 501 wings. Breaking the previous record of 28. Molly will be using the prize money to soundproof her bathroom.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a peacock at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: United Airlines prevented a passenger from bringing an emotional support peacock on a cross country flight because the only emotional support bird they should allow on a plane is Grey Goose. [Picture changes to a bottle of Grey Goose vodka.] Also, when has a bird ever put anyone at ease? Let alone in a confined space. No one’s ever used the phrase, “Oh good, a bird’s inside.”

Stranger Things 3

11… Natalie Portman

Mike… Mikey Day

14… Beck Bennett

9… Cecily Strong

5.. Pete Davidson

Luke Null

18… Aidy Bryant

50… Leslie Jones

3… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Stranger Things 3 video bumper]

[Cut to 11 and Mike walking in a room]

11: Come on, Mike. It’s safe in here.

Mike: But El, what is this place?

11: Mama said there would be others here like me. That’s what mama said.

Mike: So, like, your mom?

11: No. Mama.

Mike: Oh, hey, while we’re waiting, do you want to do those kisses? Like, from season 2?

11: This doesn’t seem like the time, Mike.

Mike: Yeah, totally. I was thinking we should wait too. I’m not like, crazy horny or anything. Oh, look out!

[There’s 14 pointing a gun at them. He has long brown hair and he is wearing a leather jacket.]

14: Don’t move!

[11 uses her power to take the gun away from 14. Her nose is bleeding.]

Mike: Whoa! So, cool. Should we celebrate? Like, with a kiss or some over the jeans stuff?

11: Mike, not now.

[14 walks near 11]

Who are you?

14: I’m special, like you.

11: I’m 11. [showing her mark on her hand] I can move objects with my mind but it gives me tiny nose bleeds.

14: I’m 14. [showing his mark on his hand] I can start fires with my mind but every time I do, I throw up a little bit in my mouth. Watch! [14 pulls out a candle and lights it just looking at it. As soon as there’s a spark, 14 pukes in his mouth.]

11: Mama was right. There are more like me than I thought.

Mike: It must be so disorienting. Should we kiss?

[9 walks in. She has punk hair.]

9: There are lot more like you. I’m 9. I can read people’s minds but if I do, it makes me fart.

11: Oh, really? Well, then what am I thinking now?

9: [looking at 11] You’re worried that I’m gonna fart. [farts loud]

[5 walks in. He has blonde long hair.]

5: And I’m 5. I could run really fast like the flash but every time I do, I get a boner. So, I have to stop running to hide the boner. It’s not a good power. I’ve been kicked out the track team twice. But um– Oh, hey, it looks like your friend Mike has the same power.

[Mike hides his boner]

Mike: What? No!

11: Mike!

Mike: What? It’s not. No! That’s a flashlight in case we get lost.

9: Someone’s lying. [farts loud]

11: What sick twisted mad man created us?

[There’s Luke standing in the dark folding his hands.]

Luke: I don’t know. But when we find him, he’s gonna have to deal with me.

11: What’s to you do?

Luke: Oh, I make fantastic chilly but the only downside is my brain starts bleeding.

11: Okay, we don’t need to see that.

[Luke is near a stove, where there are utensils. He starts cooking and crying. His head is bleeding.]

Luke: [groaning] Chilly’s done!

[18 comes in]

18: I’ll take some of that.

11: Wait, who are you?

18: Well, I’m 18. My power is I can do a pretty good Borat impression. But if I do it, then I go into a coma for 2 days.

11: Oh, well, then you don’t need to do that impressoin.

18: Are you sure? It’s pretty good.

Mike: Well, I mean, now I kind of want to see it.

18: Yeah, you made the right choice. [doing Borat impression] My wife! [18 falls down immediately]

Mike: These people… These people might be scarier than the shadow monster.

9: Hey, careful who you judge. [farts loud]

11: Get out of our heads!

9: Oh, no, no, no. That was just a regular one. I’m sorry. I have unrelated IBS.

[50 walks in. She has orange hair.]

50: And I’m 50.

11: What? What’s your power?

50: I’m just 50 years old. I have good credit. I own my own condo. And I can leg-press 375. So take that, you dumb kids. [50 walks away. She takes the pot where Luke cooks the chilly.] And I’m taking this chilly. Ou, it’s hot!

11: I want all of you to come with me. Alone, you’re freaks. But together, we’re family. And we can defeat the shadow monster once and for all.

[3 walks in. He has white hair.]

3: Well, count me in. I’m 3. And my power is I’m good at thinking of ways to end sketches.

11: Then how should this one end?

[3 puts his eyeballs together in the middle, puts his fingers in his mind.]

3: [fast] Bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla.

[Cut to Stranger Things 3 video bumper.]