Category:

Revolutionary War

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Rachel Dratch

Netalie Portman

Heidi Gardner

Luke Null

Dunken… Chris Redd

Tina Fey

Kenan Thompson

Charlie… Mikey Day

[Starts with a picture of an old painting where there are men sitting inside a room]

Male voice: 1775, American colonists in New England are in open revolt against their British overlords. In Philadelphia, representatives of each colony meet to address the crisis.

[Cut to the representatives’ meeting]

Beck: Order! Order! Order! We must declare ourselves an independent nation.

Kyle: And fight the British army? We cannot win, sir!

[Pete walks in with a letter in his hands]

Pete: Glorious news from Boston. It seems the New England have just won an astounding victory over the British in a place called Bonker Hill.

[The men are not excited. They all sigh.]

I don’t understand. Is this not a welcome news?

Beck: No, it is. It’s just that now we have to hear the boasting from the Patriots of New England.

[A group of people wearing blue clothes walk in cheering and making noise. They have glasses in their hands. They are celebrating.]

Alex: Oh, yay!

Rachel: We crushed your chief again. We are the Patriots of New England and we are unstoppable.

New England Patriots: Yeah!

Alex: Do we even know how to lose? No!

Natalie: Dynasty! That’s the word you’re looking for. Dynasty.

Heidi: That’s just how we do it in Massachusetts, kid.

Luke: And Connecticut was there too.

Rachel: Yeah. Sure. A bit. But we’re number one!

New England Patriots: Number one!

Beck: [whispering] I recognize that New England wins battles, but must they be so obnoxious about it?

Kyle: Dreadfully annoying. Frankly, I’m willing to lose this whole war if it means not seeing them win again.

Beck: New Englanders, are you drinking beer? This is not a public house!

Rachel: Knock it! This is coffee from Dunkens.

Natalie: The best. Hey, Dunken, thanks!

[Dunken walks in with two more glasses]

Dunken: It’s good, right? I feel like I should like– It should go like a sweet bread. Like, a very– [Alex looks at Dunken and shakes his head. Dunken keeps quiet and walks out.]

Pete: [very excited] Well, I for one applaud you New England Patriots. On your many victories. What’s up?

Rachel: Many? Many victories? Try five, boss.

New England Patriots: Five!

Rachel: Yeah, we won them all. French and Indian war.

Natalie: Won it.

Rachel: King Phillips war.

Natalie: Killed it.

Rachel: Lexington, Concord!

Natalie: Crushed it.

Rachel: And now, Bonker Hill.

Natalie: The best one yet kid. Oh! Oh! Oh! Tell em’ the story!

Alex: Alright! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Alex walks near Beck,Kyle and Pete]

Beck: Oh, god! Here we go.

Alex: Okay. It was insane, bro! The British got like, 50 ships, okay? We get pushed back way behind our line like 40 yards.

Beck: I see.

Alex: Okay. But, our guy, Captain Thomas Brady, he’s got like a best cannon and boom! We come back like we always do.

Natalie: It was wicked sick! Wicked!

Beck: Wonderful. It’s always lovely to hear another story about Thomas Brady. Now…

Rachel: Thomas Brady is like a machine.

Alex: Um-hmm.

Rachel: We’re all machines. We’re New England. Yeah!

Natalie: We eat the most lobsters.

Heidi: And we got the most rocks in the soil. So, how you like us now?

Beck: Ha-ha. Yes, yes. Well, congratulations again. But I’m sure others would fight just as bravely if given the chance.

Natalie: Oh, yeah?

Heidi: What?

[Kenan, Tina and Charlie walk in. They’re Philadelphians.]

Tina: Yea! We won. [cheers and applause]

Beck: Ah! The delegation from Philadelphia.

Tina: Yeah. How you’s doing? We crossed many waters up the Scoogle river to give all you’s a message. Philly is mad strong. From the lil babies to all our mom-moms and pop-pops. We is ready to fight!

Charlie: Yeah! We whip their horseshoe at their head and sent the British home.

Tina: Yeah. So, grease up them polls, coz Philly’s gonna win and then one of these guys are gonna punch a police horse.

Kenan: Yeah. We’s a bunch of rowdy quakers!

Kyle: Sir, you’re form Philadelphia?

Kenan: Yeah. West Philadelphia, born and raised.

Beck: Alright. I admire your spirit, Philadelphia, but you don’t exactly have history of winning battles like New England does.

Tina: Yeah. Well, that was then. This is now. Okay? Call us the Eagles, coz we’re ready to fly.

Charlie: Fly, Eagles, fly!

Beck: The Eagles?

Tina: Yeah. And like Eagles, we Philadelphians are swift. We are deadly. And our eyes are all built too close together.

Kenan: Yeah! And we got the best food.

Tina: Yeah. Hand me that, Charlie. Hand me that. [Tina takes a bucket from Charlie’s hand] I brought venison hoagies, porch stuffed peppers and corn fritters from Wawa. Wawa. Wawa is an Indian lady who lives just outside of country house.

Natalie: Philadelphia, please! You got no chance, kid!

Rachel: Yeah! Let New England handle this, you skeezer!

Kenan: Oh, go home, New England!

Tina: Yeah. And can I tell you something about your precious captain, Thomas Brady? He’s old, okay? He’s like, forty. That’s four years pass life expectancy.

Rachel: No, sir. You take that back, sir! You take that back!

Tina: Na-ah! Na-ah! Boston’s not even a real city. It’s a college town with a fishing pier.

Rachel: Oh, yeah? Oh, talk to us when you win one, num nuts!

[The two groups are feuding]

Beck: Hey! Patriots of New England, you have truly achieved remarkable success. I believe I speak for this entire chamber when I say, “Just shut up.” Shut up! Yes, you have won in the past. But by no means does that guarantee future victory. And Philadelphians, you are overdue for victory. And I wish you all the best in your upcoming battles. But if you do win, please be cool. Okay? Just because the British don’t burn your city doesn’t mean you have to. Do we nave an understanding?

Tina: Nope!

Natalie: Yeah. We’re the best. You know it.

Rachel: Yeah. Because New England brings the pain!

Luke: And Connecticut too.

Tina: Oh, you trying to get beat tonight? We don’t need the British. We can settle this outside right now.

Rachel: Oh, good with me. Come on! One if by land. Two by your mother.

[They start feuding again. They all walk out.]

Beck: They are the worst. Is there any way they both could lose?

Kyle: God, let’s hope so.

FOX & Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Alex Moffat

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Brian Kilmeade… Beck Bennett

Hope Hicks… Cecily Strong

Louis Farrakhan… Chris Redd

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with FOX & friends intro]

Female voice: You’re watching FOX & friends.

[Cut to Steve, Ainsley and Brian in their set]

[cheers and applause]

Steve: Good morning. I’m Steve Big Poppa Doocy. That’s Ainsley  and Brian.

Brian: Howdy?

Ainsley: Hello. [Cut to Ainsley] We want to say a big hello to all our fans out there, whether you’re fixing your breakfast or getting dressed for work or laying in the Lincoln bedroom

tweeting with an egg mug muffin on your chest, hello.

[Cut to all]

Brian: Yes, you.

Steve: Yes, indeed. [Cut to Steve] Now, coming up, we’ll show you more from our trip to Washington DC where we sit on different balconies and point at Trump hotels. But first, that FinCEN memo is out and it is a bombshell. Um, here to comment is White House communications director, Hope Hicks.

[Cut to Hope in her office]

Hope: Hi everyone. We love the show over here at the White House. It’s playing at full volume during every meeting.

[Cut to split screen with Hope and Brian]

Brian: Now, Hope, this is so exciting. Two years ago, you were a 26 year old former model working for Ivanka Trump’s clothing line. But now, you’re White House communications director.

[Cut to Hope]

Hope: Sure. If you say so. There are no real jobs here. You know? Everyday feels like when a group of strangers suddenly work together to push a beached whale back into the sea

[Cut to split screen with Hope and Steve]

Steve: Well, Hope, this memo proves that the FBI is totally out of control. I hope they don’t drag you into this mess. You seem like an honorable young woman.

Hope: I know. [Cut to Hope] People are treating me like I’m the gossip girl of the White House. But even if a certain White House IT boy did get a little chatty with some Russian hunks, you wouldn’t hear about it from me. Xoxo. [winks]

[Cut to FOX News set]

Steve: Thanks, Hope. Well, the resignation of Andrew McCabe is another chapter of an FBI interim oil.

Brian: It’s a mess over there. [Cut to Brian] Deep state stuff. It’s disgusting. [laughing] Luckily for us, one man has been warning people for years about this and he’s not a partisan politician. He’s a minister. His name is Louis Farrakhan and he joins us now.

[Louis is sitting beside them. He is wearing a suit and a bow tie.]

Louis: Thank you Steve, Brian, Ainsley. I’m surprised to be on your show.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Well, I don’t know much about you but you’re a guy who was telling the truth about the FBI before any of us. What is going on over there?

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Ha-ha. Yes, the FBI are next Vipers and Devils, whispering, plotting, spying but believe me when I say this. Their day of retribution is coming for as a man sow with, the same shall he also reap. That’s god.

[Cut to all]

Brian: That’s a great take. That’s a great take.

Ainsley: Mr. Farrakhan, this bow tie is so great, giving Tucker Carlson some competition.

[all laughing]

Louis: Ha-ha-ha. I do not know who that is.

Ainsley: Now, if the FBI can go after the president, aren’t you worried that they might come after you?

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Oh, no. I do not fear that for god is justice and he is on the rise.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Ainsley: That’s right.

Brian: I am digging this. I am digging this.

Louis: And if retribution pleases god then all of y’all are going to die.

[Cut to all]

Brian: Absolutely.

Louis: Every white person in this room. [pointing at them] You. And you. And even bubble head you.

Brian: Yeah.

Ainsley: Okay.

Brian: Love this guy. Fist bump.

Louis: No, white man. Hell, no.

Steve: I got you. [Steve and Brian do the fist bump]

Ainsley: Thank you. Thank you.

[Louis stands and walks away]

You know what? Hold on. I’m told we’re getting a special call. He’s on the line.

[Cut to Donald Trump in his bedroom. He is talking on phone.]

Donald Trump: It’s me. Good morning Ainsley, Steve and Brian. [cheers and applause]

[Cut to FOX News set]

Ainsley: Oh, my god. President Trump? How are you?

Brian: Hey, big guy.

Steve: Sir, it is such an honor. thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule.

[Cut to Donald Trump. He is breathing heavy.]

Donald Trump: Yes. I’m so busy. And if you’re wondering why I’m so out of breath, it’s because I’m doing my P-90 morning exercises right now. [Donald Trump pulls a burger and takes a bite.] But I’m saving the economy, destroying ISIS and right now I’m getting my daily intelligence briefing.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Oh! Um, from who?

[Cut to Louis]

Donald Trump: From you guys. Thanks so much. The show is so great. Huge ratings. Of course not as big as the ratings from my State of the Union speech which was watched by 10 billion people, including all of Gina (China). Now, they say there’s only 7 billion people on earth, so where did the other 3 billion come from? Illegals? I don’t know.

[Cut to Ainsley]

Ainsley: Okay, Mr. President, can I say your speech was maybe the best speech in the history in this country?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Ainsley. I’m gonna tweet that right now. Boom, tweeted. Mega! You know, a lot of folks are saying including Paul Ryan that it was better than Martin Luther King’s “I dream of Genie” speech. Isn’t it amazing what’s happening? Senator Orrin Hatch said I’m the single greatest president ever. And this is Orrin Hatch people! The hottest guy in congress saying I’m better than Lincoln or Washington or anyone else in the country’s history.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Or, even the world. I’ve heard better than Ceasar.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean I make buildings. That guy just made salads. No contest. But guys, this memo might be the greatest memo since the declaration of independence. I don’t know. I haven’t read either one of them. And Devin Nunes, I love that guy. My sweet little house elf. So close. So close to earning his freedom. His memo proves that the FBI is biased and they have a history of this, folks. Okay? The history. [Donald Trump drinks soda out of can using straw] Biased against Richard Nixon. They were biased against John Gotti. Biased against Dillinger. Dillinger! I can’t figure that out. And they’re biased against me. Now, can I ask you all a question? Okay?

[Cut to FOX News set]

Brian: Sure.

Steve: Go ahead.

Ainsley: Anything.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Whose State of the Union that 10 billion people watched it?

[Cut to FOX News set]

All: Your’s.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Who is the most innocent guy in the whole wide world?

[Cut to FOX News set]

All: You are.

Ainsley: You are, sir.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: One more time?

[Cut to FOX News set]

All: You are.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I can’t hear you.

[Cut to FOX News set]

All: You are.

Ainsley: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Ah! Daddy needed that. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards Orange Carpet

Dexter Hill… Mikey Day

Allie Jackson… Natalie Portman

Dylan Maxwell… Pete Davidson

Ellen DeGeneres… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “Kids’ Choice Awards” 2018 video bumper]

Female voice: Kids rock.

[Cut to Dexter and Allie in the show set]

Dexter: Whoo! I’m Dexter, here with Allie. I’m on the orange carpet for the “Kids’ Choice Awards” pre show. If you’re just joining us, here’s what you missed.

[Cut to Dexter in front of a group of kids]

Dexter: Hey, let’s see if we can break the screamo meter. Ready, guys?

[The kids and Dexter are screaming. There’s a screamo meter at the bottom of the screen where the meter is pointing at the middle of the scale.]

[Cut to Allie in front of a group of kids]

Allie: We can beat that, right buys?

[The kids and Allie are screaming. There’s a screamo meter at the bottom of the screen where the meter is pointing at the maximum of the scale.]

[Cut to Dexter and Allie]

Dexter: Oh, man! What a blast. [to kids] You guys having fun or what?

Kids: Yes!

Dexter: I think they are. What about you? You having fun, Allie?

Allie: [Allie has lost her voice because she screamed so much] Oh, yeah. Maybe a little too much. And you might be able to tell, I’ve lost my voice coz all the screaming I did in the last hour.

Dexter: Okay. If you can’t hear her, um, Allie has fully lost her voice.

Allie: My voice may be gone but this party is just getting started, right guys?

[the kids are silent]

Yeah, well, our countdown to the loudest, craziest [inaudible] right here [inaudible] I’m having slime of my life.

Dexter: The slime? Oh! You’re having the slime of your life. Okay. Yeah. Me too, Allie. [funny buzzer] Oh-oh! You know what that means. It’s time for a Zany Zoom.

[Cut to Zany Zoom shot. The camera zooms to Dexter and Allie and it looks funny. Dexter is shouting at the camera but Allie can’t.]

Allie: Oh, that didn’t work. Kindly, I’d like to [inaudible]

Dexter: Alright. Well, Al tries to flag down some tea with honey in it. Um, let’s check in with our backstage correspondent and start Nickelodeon’s Dylan’s rules for surviving 7th grade. Dylan Maxwell, nominated tonight for coolest face. Dyl, what’s the scoop from the inside, brother?

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Dex, Allie, I’m here with the real stars of the show. The coveted Nickelodeon Blimps that will be handed out to the winners. Hey, you think they’ll notice if I took one? Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to split screen with Dexter, Allie and Dylan. Allie is drinking tea.]

Dexter: Ha-ha-ha. Somebody get security over there.

Allie: [still in lost voice] Hey, Dyl, [inaudible]

Dylan: What?

Allie: [inaudible]

Dylan: I’m sorry. What?

Allie: Wait. Maybe I can talk on the inhale.

Dexter: Oh. She’s gonna talk on the inhale.

Allie: [talking while inhaling] Dyl, are the awards heavy?

Dylan: I’m sorry. One last time. what?

Allie: [talking while inhaling] I was just wondering–

Dexter: [interrupting] Let’s not do that anymore. Super weird. Thanks Dylan. We’ll check back in with you later, my man. And Al, I think I see one of your producers flagging you down. So, why don’t you go see what’s up with that? While we see [slowly moving away from Allie] if I can talk to the one and only miss Ellen DeGeneres. [Dexter walks to Ellen] She’s already dancing. [cheers and applause] She’s already dancing. Ellen, hi. How are you?

Ellen: Well, I wish I had an outfit that went better with orange.

Dexter: Oh-oh! Ellen, you’re up for ‘Favorite Funny Lesbian’ tonight. Are you excited?

Ellen: Yeah. And um, I’m pretty sure it’s ‘Favorite Funny Person.’ Not specifically ‘Lesbian.’

Dexter: Okay. I’m so sorry about that.

Ellen: But I’m still getting a slime out of my hair from last year. So, keep your eyes peeled for a shower cow.

Dexter: Oh-oh!

[Allie runs in.]

Allie: [in devil voice] Ellen, hi.

Ellen: Jesus Christ!

Allie: I lost my voice. So, the producers gave me this vocalizer. [Dexter walks out] What award are you presenting tonight?

Ellen: I’m sorry I said Jesus Christ. I was startled by your voice. But I’m presenting ‘Meanest TV Teacher’. [funny buzzer]

Allie: Oh-oh! Time for Zany Zoom.

[Cut to Zany Zoom shot. The camera zooms to Ellen and Allie and it looks funny. Allie is shouting at the camera. Ellen walks out.]

[Dexter walks in]

Dexter: Alright. That was absolutely terrifying. I think Ellen has to get inside. I’m also hearing that the producers are asking you ahead and lose that vocalizer as it’s scaring the kids.

Allie: [running towards the kids] [in devil voice] Maybe they are afraid of being slimed?

[The kids are terrified and running and hiding.]

Dexter: Alright. No, it’s definitely the voice thing. So, please lose it immediately. Um, remember, online voting is still open. You can still vote for rewards like, ‘Best Actor in Jumanji movie’. My money’s on the Rock. Right, Allie?

[Allie is with Chris who fixing an injection for her voice. He is smiling at the camera.]

Okay, [walking away from them] over here, Allies about to get a steroid injection in her throat which is really weird. That’s something no one wants to see. So come over here. Yes. Okay. We’re gonna take a quick break, but keep it here for more action from the orange carpet at the 2018 Kids’ Choice Awards.

Allie: [lost voice] Only on– it didn’t work. [uses her vocalizer] [devil voice] Only on Nickel–

Dexter: Yeah. Don’t use that ever again.

[The End]

Natalie’s Rap 2

Interviewer… Beck Bennett

Natalie Portman

Carl… Andy Samberg

[Starts with Interviewer interviewing Natalie Portman. Music playing in the background.]

Interviewer: We’re here today with film star Natalie Portman. Natalie, the last time you were here, I heard things got a little out of control.

Natalie Portman: Yeah. Well, I was going through really weird time then. But, I have matured a lot.

Interviewer: Why don’t you fill a scene on what it is like to be you?

Natalie Portman: Okay, you bitch.

Interviewer: I’m sorry, what?

[Music video starts]

[rapping] Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman
[bleep] you husband and his best friend just for sport man
you know it’s clickbait, clickbait, clickbait
put a dildo on a switchblade, switchblade

Xan is dissolving in my Pino
my man dance but he’s not ballerino
Yeah, he twinkle his toes but
he gives me good D though, wrap a good burrito

Tide pod’s only [bleep] thing I snack on
blackout and go [bleep] Black Swan

Bring on on ayahuasca boy
tell your tourist parents I’mma turn you to a foster boy

[Cut to Interviewer interviewing Natalie Portman]

Interviewer: Wow, I gotta say it seems like you’re almost exactly the same but with current references.

Natalie Portman: Unture. I’m a mother now. It has really changed my perspective.

Interviewer: And do you find it difficult juggling kids in a career?

Natalie Portman: You can juggle these nuts.

Interviewer: What?

Natalie Portman: [rapping] I dance now, I make mommy moves
when I gave birth, I didn’t even push
I was blazed out smoking bomb kush
and when my water broker, you know it drowned the doctor

They say I’m sex positive, hell yeah, I’m positive
that you’re going down while I’m bobbing “My prerogative”

tell me why? Hah! I guess I’m showing my age
now bend over and spread em’ coz you about to get laid–

[The doctor walks in, and immediately he walks out and shuts the door close.]

[Cut to Interviewer interviewing Natalie Portman]

Interviewer: That’s a good stuff. Now, I have to ask Natalie. Have you seen the new Star Wars movies?

Natalie Portman: No.

Interviewer: Oh. They’re really good. They’re much better than–

Natalie Portman: Better than what?

Interviewer: [bleep]

[Cut to the music video. Natalie Portman is pointing a gun at Alex Moffat]

Natalie Portman: Say something ’bout the mother [bleep] prequels, bitch!

Alex: They were good!

Natalie Portman: Say something [bleep] nice about Jar-Jar Binks

Alex: He’s tall?

Natalie Portman: Now kiss him right on his seventeen dicks

Alex: What?

Natalie Portman: While I sit dead on your face and take a shit

[Cut to Carl joining Natalie Portman’s music video]

Carl: Oh, Natalie

Natalie Portman: Yeah?

Carl: Please come meet your baby
He cries himself to sleep every night

Natalie Portman: That little shit ain’t mine!

Carl: Oh, Natalie

Natalie Portman: What?

Carl: It’s been twelve long years
And I’m seven days sober, I swear on his life!

Natalie Portman: You’re a mess, Carl

[Cut to Interviewer interviewing Natalie Portman]

Interviewer: Okay, well, that’s all the time we have. Natalie, one last question. Do you think those “Time’s Up” pins have had the impact that you were hoping for?

[Natalie Portman stands and pins the “Time’s Up” pin on Interviewer’s forehead.]

Natalie Portman: How’s that for impact?

Interviewer:Well, actually. [Natalie Portman throws Interviewer out of the window.] oh, no.

Natalie Portman: No more questions

 

Natalie Portman Announcer Monologue

Natalie Portman

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Natalie Portman.

[Natalie Portman walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Natalie Portman: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. It’s so crazy to be back. The last time I hosted, it was in 2006. Back then, I was promoting “V for Vendetta.” And now, the whole country is promoting “V for Vendetta.” And this is the last SNL before the Winter Olympic starts next week. Isn’t that exciting? [cheers and applause] Because NBC sure keeps telling me that it’s exciting.

[Winter Olympics jingle plays. There’s a small commercial ad at left bottom corner of the screen.]

Alright. Very shuttle, guys.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon in their Winter Olympics reporter’s set. They’re talking about Natalie Portman’s monologue like it’s a sport.]

Kenan Thompson: Okay. And Natalie has just completed the short program of her monologue.

Kate McKinnon: That’s right, Kenan. She started off with a charming intro and then transitioned into a light political joke.

Kenan Thompson: That’s a tough combination to pull off, but she had done it marvelously.

Kate McKinnon: She sure has. And I- I’ve seen a lot of hosts who could not.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, yeah? Like, who?

Kate McKinnon: I’d rather not say. Let’s see what Natalie has in store next.

[Cut to Natalie Portman in SNL stage]

Natalie Portman: So, I’m a mom now. And my six year old son actually wrote a joke for my monologue. So, okay, here it is. What’s the funniest letter in the alphabet? It’s P. Get it? Pee? You know what? It might be funnier he said it.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Ooh! A little stumble there.

Kate McKinnon: Yeah. That was– that was supposed to be a double joke joke into a triple applause break. I wonder what happened. I’m being told that joke was actually written by a 32 year old writer who went to Yale. Yes. Yes.

Kenan Thompson: Let’s look at that again in slow motion.

[Cut to Natalie Portman. She is acting like she’s in a slow motion video.]

Natalie Portman: It’s P. Get it?

Kate McKinnon: Okay, pause it right there.

[Natalie Portman stops moving.]

Yeah. You can tell that she’s very nervous about this one, Kenan. Lot of flop sweats here [circling her forehead] and here.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. And let’s go ahead and check out band leader Lenny Pickett reacting to that joke.

Kate McKinnon: Yeah.

[Cut to Lenny Pickett in the band]

Lenny: Ha-ha.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. He is not into it at all.

Kate McKinnon: No, he is not. And Lenny’s usually a big laugher.

Kenan Thompson: And now, he’s just visibly swiping through Tinder.

[Cut to Lenny Pickett. He is swiping rights on his phone.]

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Ooh. Yeah. Completely checked out, Kenan. Well, we go now to our field correspondent, Leslie Jones, who is heading to the Olympics next week and she is standing by the stage right now.

[Cut to Leslie Jones standing by the stage, reporting to them]

Leslie Jones: Thank you. I’m down here at the monologue stage, and well, it’s not good. [Natalie Portman is peeking at the camera from behind] I don’t know why they make these tiny white actresses do standup comedy?

Natalie Portman: Leslie, you’re kind of blocking me.

[Leslie Jones looks behind.]

Leslie Jones: Hey, girl. You are killing it right now. [looks back at the camera] She is not killing it. Also, speaking of me going to the Olympics, did you know that North Korea is really close to South Korea? Um, why did no one explain that to me? I do not want to go now.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: And thank you, Leslie Jones. [cheers and applause] Okay. We go back live to Natalie Portman who is ready for her big finish.

[Cut to Natalie Portman]

Natalie Portman: And I have to ask you guys something. Does anyone here like New York city?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: And she has landed it.

Kate McKinnon: She mentioned New York City and people were like, “Hey, that’s where we are!”

Kenan Thompson: Ha-ha-ha. An incredible comeback for Portman.

[Cut to Natalie Portman. Leslie Jones is jumping around her with a rose bouquet in her hands.]

Leslie Jones: Haa-haa! I believed in you, girl. You are the real Tonya Harding, baby! Yes! Whooo!

Natalie Portman: We’ve got a great show. Dua Lipa’s here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

First Lady

Melissa Villaseñor

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Jackie Kennedy… Natalia Portman

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Martha Washington… Aidy Bryant

Michelle Obama… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Melissa calling Melania Trump in the White House during the night of the State of the Union]

Melissa: Excuse me, Mrs. Trump. The president’s motorcade is ready to take you to the State of the Union. Are you coming?

Melania Trump: Ah! Tell them I’ll take the next car. [Melissa leaves] Oh! How will I ever get through this State of Union? Oh, come on, Melania. Practice your happy face. [Melania Trump smiles] Oh! I don’t belong as first lady. [There is still Michelle Obama’s picture on the wall] I wish I could talk to someone who has been through this whole mess before.

[smoke appears. Jackie Kennedy walks out of the smoke]

Jackie Kennedy: Hello, Melania. It’s me, Jackie Kennedy.

Melania Trump: Oh! Jackie O’s?

Jackie Kennedy: I’ve come to you in your hour of need because I know how very tiring being a first lady can be.

Melania Trump: Yes. Thank you, Jackie O’s. But tell me, how can I be good first lady when Donald make it so hard?

Jackie Kennedy: All first ladies have a platform. Your’s is bullying. Mine was little hats. Your approval ratings is through the rough.

Melania Trump: Yes. Yes. People like me because they’re like, “That lady look how I feel.”

Jackie Kennedy: You’re not the only first lady whose husband had affairs. Jack cheated on me with Marilyn Monroe.

Melania Trump: Oh, please! She was in “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.” Donald’s girl was in “Guys Like It Shaved.” Oh, Jackie O’s, no first lady has ever been more humiliated than me.

[The bookshelf behind Melania Trump turns around. Smoke appears. Hillary Clinton comes out of the smoke.]

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hello.

Melania Trump: Hillary Clinton? Oh! The world knew all your secrets. How did you survive being first lady?

Hillary Clinton: Well, you just tell yourself it’ll all be worth it when you’re president. Ha-ha-ha.

Melania Trump: But you lost.

Hillary Clinton: I know. I was there. But you know, I see you’re wearing white to the State of the Union. Is that a subtle nod to the suffer jets or times up?

Melania Trump: No. It’s just co-inky-dink. [Melania Trump winks at the camera]

Hillary Clinton: Look, Melania, I feel your pain. But you married him. Like America, you had a choice. So, don’t choose to eat 7-Eleven sushi and then come to me saying, “Oh-oh! Something’s wrong.”

[smoke appears outside of the window where Martha Washington is standing]

Martha Washington: Greetings first ladies. It is I, Martha Washington.

Jackie Kennedy: Martha? You materialized in the garden.

Martha Washington: Oh! Bees and bonnets. Give me one second.

[Martha Washington breaks the window with an exe and comes in through.]

Okay. Girls, what’s shaking?

Melania Trump: Oh! Martha! I can’t do this tonight, you know? Maybe I don’t go to speech.

Martha Washington: Oh, Melania. You have to. Your job is to be your husband’s confidant.

Melania Trump: Ivanka does that.

Martha Washington: Okay. Well, to host foreign dignitaries.

Melania Trump: No, that’s Ivanka. Yeah.

Martha Washington: To be the beautiful woman on his arm.

Melania Trump: Yeah, that’s Ivanka’s territory.

Martha Washington: Okay. Well, fine. Maybe being first lady just means being with someone you don’t really like who doesn’t treat you very well.

[Michelle Obama walks out of the photo]

Michelle Obama: Speak for yourself, Martha!

Melania Trump: Michelle Obama? I can’t believe. You come to give me advice?

Michelle Obama: Me neither. But look, Barack and I have a perfect relationship. It’s like “The Notebook”, but black and rich.

Hillary Clinton: That’s right Michelle, but it’s not helpful.

Michelle Obama: Whatever. My arms rule. I love vegetables and I can be president whenever I want.

Martha Washington: Well, we are all with you, Melania.

Jackie Kennedy: Now, get out there and do what first ladies have always done. Stand there and clap.

Melania Trump: Okay. But, sometimes I’m going to sit down and not clap.

All: Woo-hoo! Yes.

Melania Trump: Okay. I go. Goodnight, ghosts.

[Melania Trump walks out]

Hillary Clinton: Alright, ladies. What now? Should we steal some stuff?

Michelle Obama: Definitely!

Martha Washington: Oh, yeah.

[The End]

Bunny

Natalie Portman

Trish… Heidi Gardner

Cecily Strong

Bunny… Aidy Bryant

Bartender… Beck Bennett

[Starts with three ladies drinking cocktail at the bar talking to each other.]

Natalie: So I was on a date with that guy I was telling you about, Keen. And everything was going fine. But then he tells me his last name was Peele.

Trish: Oh, my god! So, his name’s Keen Peele?

Natalie: Yeah.

Cecily: Wait, like the show?

Trish: That’s so weird.

Natalie: I know. I couldn’t think about anything else. I had to cut the date short.

Cecily: Wow. And he was like, almost perfect.

Natalie: Am I crazy? I mean, am I just being too picky?

[Bunny slides in]

Bunny: Oh, yeah. You are. Definitely.

Cecily: Okay. Um, you’re definitely not. Men are just like, so weird right now. I made the mistake of making small talk with a cute guy on a subway and he offered to give me foot massage.

Natalie: Seriously? What the hell?

Bunny: I’ll tell you what. I would have took that offer in a heartbeat. I mean, a fresh pair of mitts on these dogs [pointing at her feet] is a heck of a lot better than the old pencil eraser I use now. Ha-ha.

Natalie: I guess it is a nice gesture.

Cecily: Yeah. But still gross.

Trish: I mean, I’m just coming to terms that I’ll probably be single forever. I mean every guy is some man-child loser.

Cecily: Yeah. Or like some over aggressive creep.

Bunny: Yeah. I hear that. And why are they all circumcised?

Cecily: What’s that?

Bunny: Men nowadays. They’re all circumcised. You know? I mean, it used to be a crapshoot, you know? And now, it seems like everybody’s cut. And believe me, I ain’t complaining. I’ll take a short sleeve just as quick as a turtle neck. I’m just saying I noticed.

Natalie: Yeah. That is weird.

Cecily: I’m sorry. What is your name?

Bunny: Bunny. Yeah. Sorry to bud in. I don’t get to have a lot of girl talk. I got a eight male roommates and I’m a chef at a man’s prison. So–

Natalie: Oh, that’s fine. Well, nice to meet you, Bunny.

[Bartender walks in]

Bartender: You ladies doing alright?

Bunny: Actually, you know what? Can we get another round on my tab? I’m doing a whiskey milk neat. And I think they’re doing the same.

Cecily: Oh, no. We’re definitely not.

Natalie: Um, three martinis please. So, you work around here, Bunny?

Bunny: Oh, no. I was here to meet a guy I’ve been catfishing. But he didn’t show.

Cecily: You were catfishing him?

Bunny: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I’ll get a guy to drive from a few states away to meet a Japanese bikini model named Ki-ko. But then when they get here, I tell them, “Ki-ko split.” And he can crash at my place instead. Next thing you know, Bunny’s munching on carrot.

Cecily: Oh, my god.

Natalie: I know. I wish I knew how to take more risks.

Cecily: No. That sounds dangerous and insane.

Bunny: Well, I’m sorry that strangers aren’t offering me footjobs on public transportation. You know, some of us have to hunt with bait.

[Trish is looking at her phone]

Trish: Oh, my god! Jake just texted me an eggplant emoji and a winky face.

Natalie: No way!

Cecily: So gross!

Bunny: Oh, jackpot, baby! And then there were three.

Trish: You know, I shouldn’t answer him, right?

Cecily: Of course, you shouldn’t

Bunny: Well, damn. If I got a text like that, I cool-aid man straight through that brick wall so fast, my pants rip off. And then by the time I’m at his door, ding dong, it’s full beef.

Natalie: Jake is pretty hot, Trish. Maybe you should answer him.

Trish: You think so? I mean we did have fun together.

Cecily: You know, why are you listening to this crazy lady?

Bunny: Bunny.

Cecily: Have some self respect. You can’t just be that desperate.

Bunny: Oh, you can. And you will when you get to be my age.

Natalie: Oh, Bunny. How old are you?

Bunny: 27.

Cecily: I’m 10 years older than that.

Bunny: Look. All I’m saying is it’s the 90s, you know? We ain’t gonna be high and tight forever. We might as well get our nuts off while we still can.

Cecily: It’s 2018.

Bunny: Oh, you wish.

Natalie: Bunny, you’re so right. I knew I was being unreasonable. You know what? I’m gonna go call Keen Peele, tell him I don’t care about his stupid name anymore.

[Natalie picks up her phone and walks out to call]

Trish: Yeah. I’m gonna go bang Jake. Bye, girl.

[Trish also leaves]

Bunny: Wow! [Bunny moves to close to Cecily] And then there were two.

Cecily: No.

Bunny: Another whiskey milk!

Cecily: How do you even drink that?

Bunny: Well, I like it coz it goes down smooth but it comes out firing.

[A guy walks in with a box of chocolates and a flower bouquet. He is wearing a suit.]

Guy: Sorry. Did you guys see a Japanese bikini model named Ki-ko here?

Bunny: Oh, honey. Ki-ko just left but you can crash at my place tonight.

Guy: Dammit! Um, I guess I did drive pretty far.

Bunny: Ha-ha-ha-ha. And then there was one. [to the guy] You’re about to get some beef, brother.

[Bunny walks out with the guy]

Alien Lover

Rexin… Beck Bennett

Captain… Natalie Portman

[Starts with Rexin and Captain walking inside a room]

Rexin: Perhaps, this is all happening so fast.

Captain: Calm yourself, Rexin. With me at the helm, you’re bound only for bliss.

[Rexin and Captain go to the bed.]

Rexin: Oh, captain. How I even yearn for you? But I must admit I’m nervous. You are a noble human and I, a lonely Narloc.

Captain: Is your mind, Rexin. For I am a gifted lover and have experienced the passions of our galaxies many different life forms. You can trust me to steer the ship.

[Captain leans to kiss Rexin]

Rexin: Okay, wait. So sorry. Just hang on one second.

Captain: Yeah? What’s up?

Rexin: [sigh] Okay, so, just before we go any further, I just like– I don’t know. I just want to give you a head’s up that my butt is my face and my face is my butt.

Captain: Wait. What?

Rexin: My butt..

Captain: Yeah.

Rexin: …is my face.

Captain: And this? [pointing at his face]

Rexin: This face is my butt. Correct.

Captain: Seriously?

Rexin: Yeah. I’m an alien. It’s just how I’m built.

Captain: So, right now you’re talking out of your butt?

Rexin: Yeah. But so is other man you’ll meet. [laughing] It’s a little joke I’d like to tell sometimes after breaking the news.

Captain: Um, okay. Yeah. I guess I can roll with that.

Rexin: Yeah. Thank you. I’ll just go ahead and turn over then. [Rexin turns over. Captain is looking at Rexin’s butt. Rexin is shaking his butt as he speaks] Oh! There you are. Oh, I can finally see you.

Captain: Yeah. You too.

Rexin: So? This is me. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Captain: Ha-ha. Yeah. There you are.

Rexin: Yeah. Hey, I really like your hair.

Captain: Oh, thank you so much. I like your cheeks?

Rexin: Oh! Thank you.

Captain: No problem.

Rexin: You can touch them if you want.

Captain: Excuse me?

Rexin: My cheeks. You can touch my cheeks if you want.

Captain: Oh. Okay.

[Rexin touches Captain’s butt]

Rexin: Ah! Now spoon me.

Captain: What?

Rexin: Spoon me. Spoon me like you mean it.

Captain: Oh, okay.

[Rexin hugs Captain’s lower back]

Rexin: Oh god, this feels so right.

Captain: Yeah. Super right.

Rexin: Oh, no.

Captain: You okay?

Rexin: I think I’m allergic to your perfume. I’m gonna sneeze. Ah! [farts]

[Captain is disgusted. She stands immediately.]

Captain: Um, you know what? Why don’t I make us a drink?

Rexin: Um, I wouldn’t say no to a gin and tonic.

Captain: Ah! So, has your butt always been your face?

Rexin: Yeah. As long as I can remember.

Captain: Wow! That must be tough.

Rexin: Well, I just put on a brave ass and except at sometimes, life’s a real face hole. [Captain passes a drink to Rexin] Ah! Thank you. [Rexin pours the drink on his butt and makes drinking sound]

Captain: Oh, my god!
Rexin: That’s delicious. Thank you.

Captain: So, wait. At the restaurant?

Rexin: I was putting food in my ass. Yes. I’m respectful of the people around me. Ha-ha-ha.

Captain: I’m sorry. I just– I definitely can’t handle this.

Rexin: You know what? If you’re not into this, then that’s fine. But some day you’re gonna face the fact that some people’s faces are butts and their butts are their faces. [Rexin stands] Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to the bathroom. [Rexin walks to the bathroom. He leans head over the toilet bowl. There’s peeing sound.]

Captain: Rexin, look at me.

Rexin: No.

Captain: Rexin!

Rexin: What?

Captain: Look at me.

Rexin: Fine! [Rexin faces his butt to Captain] What do you want?

Captain: Rex, you listen to me. Now, I’m sorry that I reacted the way I did but you have to understand I was surprised.

Rexin: Surprised? You were surprised? How do you think I feel, huh? Imagine my surprise. I was born this way.

Captain: Rex, please, I understand.

Rexin: No, you don’t! You don’t understand. The whole galaxy thinks I’m some kind of freak! I’m sure no one else on my planet was actually born this way. And sure, all psychiatrist said it was a false reality I created myself. But tell me this, if that’s the case, then how did I just pee out of my mouth?

Captain: I don’t know.

Rexin: Exactly. You don’t know. You don’t know. Mom doesn’t know. The doctors don’t know. And you best believe daddy don’t. Coz guess what? Oh, yeah, he was basically never around.

Captain: Rex! Get a hold of yourself!

[Captain slaps Rexin on his butt hard.]

Oh, Rex. I’m sorry.

Rexin: Did that make you feel good? Huh? You feel big and strong? Here I am just some confused kid trying to make sense of his body. But at least you had fun with your freak. Well, have a nice day, lady. [Rexin puts a had on his butt.]

Captain: Rex, please. [Rexin walks away leaning.] Rex, don’t run away. [Rexin stops] For once in your life, don’t run.

Rexin: Captain.

Captain: Yes, Rexin.

Rexin: When people ask you about me, what will you say?

Captain: [Captain gets on her knee looking at Rexin’s butt] I’ll say, “There goes Rex, the nicest ass you’ll ever meet.”

Rexin: Oh, captain, I–

Captain: [putting her finger near Rexin’s butt] Shh! [Captain leans forward to kiss Rexin’s butt. Video pauses before it happens.]

[The End]

Will Ferrell First Time Monologue

Will Farrell

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Will Farrell.

[Will Farrell walks in and to the stage. His forehead is bleeding.]

[cheers and applause]

Will Farrell: Thank you. Thank you. Oh, my god. Hello. Oh, wow! Look at this. My name is Will Farrell. Yes, I can’t believe this is happening. I have dreamt of standing on this stage my whole life. I’m sorry, I’m getting emotional. I mean, me, Will Farrell? On Saturday Night Live? What? Wow! It’s been a wile week. Monday, I met with the writers. Wednesday was the table read. And just now, I while I was doing my quick change back there, I hit my head on a steel beam so hard, I heard a crack. And then a whoosh of wind. And after that, I can’t remember a thing. Except that I was going to sing.

[music playing]

[singing] I think I’m gonna like it here
used two room, and a tomb
where I’d sit and freeze
get me now, holy cow
won’t someone pinch me please?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

I wanna see everything. What do you say we go on a tour around the studio? Do you want to? Do you want to ? [cheers]  Come on! Let’s go. [Will Farrell jumps off the stage] I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m suddenly very tired. I can’t walk. I can’t see either. Why is my head wet?

[Will Farrell walks to the audience.]

Sir, how are you? [while Will Farrell touches the audience, he rubs all his head’s blood on him.] That’s great. I need to sit.

[Will Farrell pushes the audience away and takes his seat]

[singing] Used two room, in a room

where I room the room
do you know, party dough,
hiddy ho, where you are?

[Will Farrell sleeps for a second and wakes up]

Is the show over? How were the reviews? What did vulture.com say? Huh? Tell me. Someone tell me.

[singing] You’re gonna like the way you look
I guarantee it.

Female Audience: Dude, you need to go to the hospital.

Will Farrell: [pointing at her] Lorne Michaels, everyone. The rudest man in show business. You know you are. Now, someone wrestle me.

[Kenan Thompson and Cecily Strong walk in to take him to the stage]

The two of you?

Kenan: Okay. Okay. No, no, no.

Cecily: It’s alright.

Kenan: Let’s just go up there.

[They reach the stage]

Will Farrell: Oh, oh. Is it time to introduce the musical guest? Right. Ladies and gentlemen, Match Box 20.

Cecily: No, no, no, no.

Kenan: No.

Cecily: Finish the monologue

Will Farrell: You guys do too many song monologues, you know what?

Cecily: We know.

Kenan: That we know. Okay. Come on.

[they receive a hospital bed]

Kenan and Cecily: [singing] We have but one request

[Will Farrell lays on the bed]

Please put us to the rest

we think you’re gonna like it here.

Will Farrell: [laying on the bed] We’ve got a great show. Chris Stapleton is here.

Kenan: Yeah.

Will Farrell: And Nelly Furtado.

Kenan: No.

Will Farrell: So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Weekend Update- Bailey Gismert

Michael Che

Bailey Gismert… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Oscar nominations were announced this week. Here with award’s predictions is a star of her own YouTube channel ‘Bailey At The Movies’, please welcome teen film critic, Bailey Gismert.

[Bailey Gismert slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Bailey Gismert: [awkwardly] Um, hi.

Michael Che: How are you doing, Bailey? So, we’re glad to have you. I’m a big fan of your YouTube channel.

Bailey Gismert: Okay. I didn’t realize that you knew, like, everything about me. Alright. Michael Che is my stalker. Ha-ha. I’m just kidding. I know that you’re not. Not. Sorry.

[Bailey Gismert is acting very awkward]

Michael Che: So, Bailey, let’s hear your thoughts about this year’s Oscar movies.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, thirsty? Okay, Shape of water was like– I don’t know. It was like, weird. It was just like so weird.

Michael Che: Yeah. I guess it was kind of out there. Um, what else did you see?

Bailey Gismert: Okay. So, um, I saw ‘Three Billboards’.  It’s weird too. I don’t know. But, lady put up the billboards and I was like, “Okay, random.”

Michael Che: Okay. Well, you know what’s getting a lot of buzz is “Call Me By Your Name.”

Bailey Gismert: [smiling] Stop. [laughing and blushing] Stop.

Michael Che: Okay.

Bailey Gismert: I actually liked that one a lot. That was really good.

Michael Che: You did? What about Armie Hammer? You like Hammer?

Bailey Gismert: [giggling] Stop it. Oh, my god. Yes, I liked him. I didn’t like him, like him. I just like, thought he was goo in it.

Michael Che: It looks like you might have a little crush on him.

Bailey Gismert: No! Oh, my god. I never said that. Just because I’m friends with a lot of guys doesn’t mean I like him. Like, I try. I do. I try to be friends with girls. And I get along with guys better.

Michael Che: Yeah.

Bailey Gismert: [shaky voice] And if Armie Hammer sees this, it’s gonna be like, so bad.

Michael Che: Oh, hey, sorry Bailey. I didn’t mean to make you upset.

Bailey Gismert: I’m not up– [Bailey Gismert slowly wipes away her tears] I’m not upset. [sobbing] I’m just like, really dealing with a lot. And like, I know you guys only have to this show once a week. But I’m like, so stressed every night. With like, the play or yearbook. Like, I have to bowl with my dad. I had mono like, the whole year. And that’s why I didn’t even get to go on the French trip to cut back.

Michael Che: Look, Bailey. You did a great job. We’re all really proud of you. Honestly.

Bailey Gismert: [smiling] Okay, cool. Then if you like this and you like my reviews, then click the button below to like and subscribe.

Michael Che: Hey, Bailey, this isn’t YouTube. This is live television.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, random. What even is that?

Michael Che: Bailey Gismert, everybody.

Bailey Gismert: Ladybird sucks. Directors should be mad.

Michael Che: Whoa! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.