Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 12


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February 17th, 2001

Sean Hayes

Shaggy

None

Michael Schur
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) announces that he performed a strike on Iraq as a personal favor to keep former President Clinton’s scandal out of the news.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Sean Hayes’ MonologueSummary: Sean Hayes plays a grade school piece on the piano while signing autographs from the audience and taking a cell phone call from a friend.

Transcript

Delicious DishSummary: Margaret Jo McCullin (Ana Gasteyer) and Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon) envision a psychadelic high after sampling mushrooms from guest Alfie Thuman (Sean Hayes).

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullin, Teri Rialto.

Transcript

HomocilSummary: The pill that helps parents cope with their children’s homosexuality.

Transcript

HardballSummary: Paul Begala (Chris Kattan) suffers abuse from Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Paul Begala.

Transcript

Jeffrey’sSummary: A pair of trendy clothing store employees (Jimmy Fallon, Sean Hayes) mock the clothing styles of would-be customers.

Recurring Characters: Clerk, Supervisor, Burly Customer.

Note: This sketch is replaced with its dress rehearsal version in repeats because of the frequent character-breaking and laughter by the actors involved.

Transcript

Shaggy performs “It Wasn’t Me”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Jamie Bell (Sean Hayes), the kid From “Billy Elliot”, is pissed that he wasn’t nominated for an Academy Award, then dances his way through the studio.

Transcript

Hello DollySummary: More cute yet bizarre-looking dolls are up for adoption.

Recurring Characters: Deana Nolan-Gray.

Transcript

Fashion Week 2001Summary: Adrian Dante’s (Sean Hayes) fashion show is interrupted by would-be diva, Sally O’Malley (Molly Shannon).

Recurring Characters: Sally o’Malley.

Transcript

Shaggy performs “Angel”

Action News 4 Morning ReportSummary: Hilarity ensues when a tractor-trailer hits a tiny clown car!

Transcript

Last Show!Summary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) sings “School’s Out” to commemorate Molly Shannon’s last show.

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Transcript

Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) lives in a world that exists inside his own head.

Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.

Transcript

Corn Chip Nail TipsSummary: The tasty snack food of choice for nail biters.

Note: Repeat from 10/07/00.

Talkin’ ‘Bout ‘GinasSummary: Second-rate female celebrities attempt to feed from the success of “The Vagina Monologues.”

Recurring Characters: Joan Rivers, Anna Nicole Smith, Farrah Fawcett, Gayle King

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 14


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March 10th, 2001

Conan O’Brien

Don Henley

None

Max Weinburg

Becky Weinburg

Ben Affleck

Scott Wainio
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) Bush announces his new worry-free attitude.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Conan O’Brien’s MonologueSummary: Conan O’Brien shows clips of his writer’s cameo appearances from the 80’s, then takes Tract Morgan and a paramedic (Scott Wainio) downstairs for a tour of his talk show studio.

Transcript

SubshackSummary: If you’re losing weight too fast, take a walk with Jared Fogel (Jimmy Fallon) to Subshack to put the pounds back on.

Transcript

Cumberland FarmsSummary: With a little help from Eric Pearson (Conan O’Brien) and a fake moustache, Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) score some beer.

Note: Ben Affleck’s character did not appear in the dress rehearsal.

Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank, Donny Bartalotti.

Transcript

Moleculo: The Molecular ManSummary: Superhero Moleculo (Conan O’Brien) gives himself away by repeating his catch-phrase while assuming his mild-mannered disguise.

Transcript

Napster HearingsSummary: Not only is Right Said Fred (Conan O’Brien) seeking copyright protection, he would also like a little something to eat.

Recurring Characters: Trent Lott, David Lee Roth.

Transcript

Don Henley performs “Everything Is Different Now”Also Performed: 89d.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeyNote: Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey perform “Weekend Update” without any guest commentaries.

Transcript

Taint-less TedSummary: A doctor (Conan O’Brien) informs patient Ted Brown (Horatio Sanz) that he’s lost his “taint”.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel invites viewers to “Find the Black People At The Knicks Game.”

Transcript

VH-1 Diva-thonSummary: Diva Deandra Wells (Ana Gasteyer) causes a ruckus among the members of her back-up band.

Recurring Characters: Deandra Wells, Grodon Davis, Alan “Sticks” McRae, Donny Gordon, Lynda Lopez.

Democratic National CommitteeSummary: Marc Rich (Chris Kattan) discusses his financial woes.

Don Henley performs “The Heart Of The Matter”Note: When NBC reran the episode, this performance was replaced by a DeMarco Brothers sketch cut from dress rehearsal.

Sports CenturySummary: Early 20th Century boxer James “The Gentlemen Masher” Corcoran (Conan O’Brien) excelled at his sport until he agreed to spar with black competitors.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

DeMarco BrothersSummary: Kyle DeMarco (Chris Kattan), Sean DeMarco (Chris Parnell) and their cousin (Conan O’Brien) audition for Don Henley.

Recurring Characters: Kyle DeMarco, Sean DeMarco.

Note: This sketch aired in place of Don Henley’s second performance when the episode reran.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 4


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November 4th, 2000

Charlize Theron

Paul Simon

None

Hugh Fink
A Glimpse of Our Possible Future ISummary: In the near future, a hapless President George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) has managed to set the Great Lakes on fire.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Charlize Theron’s MonologueSummary: Tracy Morgan is thrilled that Charlize Theron was born in Africa.

Transcript

Total Request LiveSummary: An interview with Britannica (), Jeanette () and (), the members of girl group Gemini’s Twin.

Recurring Characters: Britannica, Jeanette.

A Glimpse of Our Possible Future IISummary: In the near future, President Al Gore quizzes the nation on a regular basis..

Recurring Characters: Al Gore, Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Blair Witch TourRecurring Characters: Circe Nightshade, Azrael Abyss.

TV Funhouse

Marilyn MonroeSummary: A jealous Joe DiMaggio (Jimmy Fallon) doesn’t want anyone staring at wife Marilyn Monroe (Charlize Theron) during the filming of “The Seven Year Itch.”

Paul Simon performs “Hurricane Eye”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Rachel Dratch proposes marriage to Jimmy Fallon. SNL writer Hugh Fink talks about Joe Lieberman as a Jew.

Bedtime StoriesSummary: Mr. Peepers (Chris Kattan) stars on the Cinemax adult program.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.

A Glimpse of Our Possible Future IIISummary: In the near future, Ralph Nader’s term as president is a sign that pigs can fly and Hell has frozen over.

Transcript

DeMarco BrothersSummary: Paul Simon endures an overinterpreted demonstration of his songs by DeMarco Brothers Kyle (Chris Kattan) and Sean (Chris Parnell).

Recurring Characters: Kyle DeMarco, Sean DeMarco.

The Coconut Bangers BallSummary: Robert Goulet (Will Ferrell) promotes his new rap album.

Recurring Characters: Robert Goulet.

Transcript

Paul Simon performs “Old”

Buena Vista Social ClubSummary: The horny members of the Buena Vista Social Club (Jerry Minor, Horatio Sanz) try to dance erotically with a hot blondie (Charlize Theron).

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

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May 12th, 2001

Lara Flynn Boyle

Bon Jovi

Lou Reed

Bon Jovi, “It’s My Life”

A Message From the Vice-President of the United States

Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) on his health.

Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney.

Lara Flynn Boyle’s Monologue

Audience member (Adam McKay) teases Boyle about her weight.

Corn Chip Nail Tips

(Repeat) See 10/07/00.

Fake Hernia Doctor

Patient (Chris Parnell) receives hernia test from fake doctor (Will Ferrell).

DeMarco Brothers

Bon Jovi laugh at DeMarco Brothers (Chris Kattan), (Chris Parnell) song interpretations.

Recurring Characters: Kyle DeMarco, Sean DeMarco.

MTV Cribs

Robert Downey, Jr. (Chris Kattan) shows off jail cell.

Save The Starving Actresses Foundation

Boyle makes a plea on behalf of starving actresses everywhere.

The Scarlet Letter

Letters “B” & “J” on chest call for well-deserved leniency.

Bon Jovi performs “It’s My Life”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Lou Reed can’t dispel rumors that he’s dead.

Moulin Rouge

Set in the 1890’s, the music is from the 1970’s.

MSNBC Investigates

Mimicking “The Golden Girls” endangers teen’s (Chris Kattan) life.

Wake Up, Wakefield

Gym teacher (Boyle) is interviewed.

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Mr. Banglion, Randy Goldman.

Shaquille O’Neal

Shaq (Tracy Morgan) addresses the audience on the tone of his voice.

Bon Jovi performs “You Give Love A Bad Name”

Bloder Brothers

Bloder Brothers (Jimmy Fallon), (Chris Parnell) flirt with Shooter’s barmaid (Boyle).

Recurring Characters: Wayne Bloder, Kip Bloder.

SNL Transcripts

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November 18th, 2000

Tom Green

David Gray

Drew Barrymore

Tom’s parents

David Gray, “Babylon”

A Message from George W. Bush and Al Gore

Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) interrupts George W. Bush’s (Will Ferrell) speech.

Recurring Characters: Al Gore, George W. Bush.

Tom Green’s Monologue

Drew Barrymore promises to marry Green at the end of the show.

Magic Mouth

(Repeat) See: 10/21/00.

Bald Eagles

Eagle cub (Green) strays from its mother (Will Ferrell) in studio audience.

Rap Street

Good-boy rapper (Green) wins approval of old-school rappers.

Recurring Characters: Grand Master Rap, Kid Shazaam.

Lorne & Tom In A Tub

Green tries to amuse Lorne Michaels while inside a tub.

Hardball

Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) makes fun of Katherine Harris (Ana Gasteyer).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Katherine Harris.

Dog Show

Wizard’s (Green) squealing pig ruins sanctimony of show.

Recurring Characters: Miss Colleen, David Larry.

TV Funhouse

“Sex In The Country” shows barn animals having sex.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Jeannie Darcy (Molly Shannon) performs stand-up.

Gwyneth Paltrow reveals she’s living with Jimmy Fallon.

Recurring Characters: Jeannie Darcy.

David Gray performs “Babylon”

Oprah

Dr. Phil (Will Ferrell) fixes marital problems on Oprah’s (Maya Rudolph) show.

VH-1 Storytellers

Air Supply’s Thanksgiving song erupts into a homosexual kiss.

Rock Around The Clock

Green and Will Ferrell destroy a grandfather clock onstage.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 3


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October 21st, 2000

Dana Carvey

The Wallflowers

None

Baha Men

Adam McKay

Robert De Niro
Third Presidential DebateSummary: In their first debate monitored by Jim Lehrer (Chris Parnell), Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) and George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) take questions at a town hall forum.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, Al Gore, Jim Lehrer, George Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Dana Carvey’s MonologueSummary: Dana Carvey does impressions of current political figures in the news.

Transcript

Magic MouthSummary: Dr. Richard Ludwin (Will Ferrell) promotes the product masks your farts with electronic dialogue.

Delicious DishSummary: Disgruntled teacher Gordon Hoover (Dana Carvey) tells Teri Rialto (Molly Shannon) and Margaret Jo McCullin (Ana Gasteyer) about his neighborhood Halloween funhouse.

Recurring Characters: Teri Rialto, Margaret Jo McCullin.

Transcript

Church ChatSummary: The Church Lady (Dana Carvey) taunts Hillary Clinton (Ana Gasteyer), Anne Heche (Chris Kattan) and Eminem (Chris Parnell).

Recurring Characters: Church Lady, Hillary Clinton, Anne Heche, Eminem.

Transcript

Father & Son Go HuntingSummary: While hunting together in the woods, George Bush (Dana Carvey) tries to teach George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) a new life lesson.

Recurring Characters: George Bush, George W. Bush.

Transcript

Baha Men perform “Who Let the Dogs Out”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Anna Nicole Smith (Molly Shannon) discusses her golddigging university. In a filmed report, Adam McKay takes to the night streets to find the average citizen’s view on the election. Robert De Niro disagrees with Jimmy Fallon’s “Meet The Parents” review from last week’s broadcast.

Recurring Characters: Anna Nicole Smith.

Transcript

The Wallflowers perform “Sleepwalker”Also Performed: 96e.

2000 VH-1 Vogue Fashion AwardsRecurring Characters: Cuba Gooding, Jr., Samuel L. Jackson.

Ching ChangSummary: Ching Chang (Dana Carvey) dreams of putting his house pet chickens in a Broadway musical.

Recurring Characters: Ching Chang.

The Wallflowers perform “Hand Me Down”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

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January 20th, 2001

Mena Suvari

Lenny Kravitz

Janet Reno

Lenny Kravitz, “Again”

A Message From the Former President of the United States

Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) delivers final address during inauguration party.

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton, President George W. Bush.

Mena Suvari’s Monologue

Suvari has “American Beauty”-like fantasies about the cast.

Gatorade Love Bucket

Show your appreciation for loved ones by dumping Gatorade over their heads.

Jackie Gives Attitude

Jackie (Maya Rudolph) makes frequent fliers wait on broken metal detector.

Recurring Characters: Jackie, Terrell.

Janet Reno’s Dance Party

Final episode includes surprise visit from the real Janet Reno.

Recurring Characters: Janet Reno, Bill Clinton.

Rap Street

Aaron Carter (Suvari) displays innocent rhymes.

Recurring Characters: Grand Master Rap, Kid Shazaam.

TV Funhouse

X-Presidents endure adding Bill Clinton to their team.

Wake Up Little Suzie

Suzie (Suvari) attracts a suitor (Tracy Morgan) while in a coma.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Jacob Silj suffers more voice immodulation humiliation.

Al Sharpton (Jerry Minor) makes Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) discuss love child.

Recurring Characters: Jacob Silj, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson.

Lenny Kravitz performs “Again”

Veronica & Co.

More runway fashion talk.

Recurring Characters: Veronica.

DeMarco Brothers

Lenny Kravitz tolerates brothers’ song interpretation stylings.

Recurring Characters: Kyle DeMarco, Sean DeMarco.

Lenny Kravitz performs “Mr. Cab Driver”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 2


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October 14th, 2000

Kate Hudson

Radiohead

None

Nomar Garciaparra
Second Presidential DebateSummary: In their second debate monitored by Jim Lehrer (Chris Parnell), Al Gore (Darrell Hammond) and George W. Bush (Will Ferrell) agree on all the issues.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, Al Gore, Jim Lehrer.

Montage

Kate Hudson’s MonologueSummary: Kate Hudson is reunited with the other children of former “Laugh-In” stars.

Girls Gone Wild!Summary: During a visit home from college, a co-ed (Kate Hudson) is horrified when her parents (Will Ferrell, Molly Shannon) recognize her on a commercial for an X-rated Spring Break video.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Robert Smigel present the X-Presidents.

Inside The Actors StudioSummary: James Lipton (Will Ferrell) interviews the delightful Drew Barrymore (Kate Hudson).

Recurring Characters: James Lipton, Drew Barrymore.

Transcript

Boston TeensSummary: Sully (Jimmy Fallon) is excited when he discovers that his older sister (Kate Hudson) is dating Nomar!

Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Frank.

Transcript

Radiohead performs “The National Anthem”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Jimmy Fallon reviews “Meet The Parents” by repeating the title as a catch phrase. President Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) doesn’t fancy Al Gore or George W. Bush as his worthy successor.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

Transcript

WoodrowSummary: Kate Hudson is enchanted by the sewer home of Woodrow the bum (Tracy Morgan).

Recurring Characters: Woodrow.

Transcript

Meet The PressSummary: Tim Russert (Darrell Hammond) makes Hillary Clinton (Ana Gasteyer) out to be a fool.

Recurring Characters: Tim Russert, Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

Rabun To ShuriSummary: The Japanese version of “Laverne & Shirley.”

Transcript

Vote Sober 2000Summary: A friendly reminder from the cast to not vote while intoxicated.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

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May 5th, 2001

Pierce Brosnan

Destiny’s Child

Julia Stiles

A Message From the President of the United States

Bush (Will Ferrell) reprimands daughter Jenna (Julia Stiles) for drinking.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Pierce Brosnan’s Monologue

Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond) offers advice to latest Bond successor Brosnan.

Recurring Characters: Sean Connery.

Homocil

(Repeat) See 02/17/01.

Just Funnin’

Former Gemini’s Twin members (Destiny’s Child) have formed their own group.

Recurring Characters: Britannica, Jeanette.

The Weakest Link

Anne Robinson’s (Rachel Dratch) sour behavior is backgrounded.

Jeffrey’s

More customer bullying from Jeffrey’s clerks (Jimmy Fallon, Brosnan).

Recurring Characters: Clerk, Boss.

Destiny’s Child performs “Survivor”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Tracy Morgan wants to be black spy – Lamont Bond.

Angry Boss

Mr. Tarkanian (Will Ferrell) is biggest bully in the office.

The West Wing

As written while Aaron Sorkin was high on ‘shrooms.

“Five Finger Discount”, Film by Adam McKay

Destiny’s Child performs “Emotion”

Bravery & Unity

Old jokes are recycled into History Channel retrospective.

Casino Daycare

Parents needn’t worry about their kids as they gamble it all away in Las Vegas.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 15


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March 17th, 2001

Julia Stiles

Aerosmith

None

David Copperfield
Martha Stewart LivingSummary: Martha Stewart (Ana Gasteyer) presents her tips for surviving St. Patrick’s Day.

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

Transcript

Montage

Julia Stiles’ MonologueSummary: Tracy Morgan hits on Julia Stiles after finding out she danced with a black guy in “Save The Last Dance.”

Bio: Prior to her starring role in “Save The Last Dance”, actress Julia Stiles (1981-) played a teen seductress opposite Alec Baldwin in the Hollywood satire, “State and Main.”

Transcript

HomocilSummary: The pill parents take to relieve the stress of having a gay child in their household.

Note: Repeat from 02/17/01.

Wake Up, WakefieldSummary: Classmate Samantha (Julia Stiles) tells Megan (Maya Rudolph) about the school’s upcoming production of “Hair.”

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Mr. Banglion, Randy Goldman.

Transcript

Jackie Gives AttitudeSummary: At the post office, rude Jackie (Maya Rudolph) gets a taste of her own medicine from an irate customer (Julia Stiles).

Recurring Characters: Jackie.

Aerosmith performs “Jaded”Also Appeared: 89m, 93c, 96p.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Arnold Schwarzenegger (Darrell Hammond) comments on his campaign for Governor of California. Jimmy and Tina learn that illusionist David Copperfield controls the cue cards.

Suel Forrester Directs A MovieSummary: No one can understand mumbly director Suel Forrestor’s (Chirs Kattan) orders.

Recurring Characters: Suel Forrestor.

BeppiSummary: Foreign sisters (Rachel Dratch, Julia Stiles) clean up an office after business hours.

“The Doberman!”Summary: Adam McKay film focuses on a man (Will Ferrell) being attacked by a doberman.

Apollo Theater Amateur NightSummary: A white girl (Julia Stiles) is only able to find success at the Apollo Theater when she partners with a black man (Jerry Minor).

Willy Sluggs Eye PoppersSummary: The magic of Willy Sluggs (Jerry Minor) is not really all that amazing.

Aerosmith performs “Big Ten Inch Record”

Der Lacheln BeherrschtSummary: The German kids’ show proves to be too upsetting for its young target audience.

Transcript

Van Morrison St. Patrick’s Day MessageSummary: Van Morrison (Jimmy Fallon) drinks Guinness while singing.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts