Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

Tom Hanks At-Home Monologue

Tom Hanks

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hanks.

[Tom Hanks is in his home. He is wearing a suit.]

[cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Hey, hey. Wow. Wow. Thank you. That is some sound effect of applause and whistles. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, engineers. Hey, all you cool cats and kittens. It’s me, your old pal. Don’t worry now. Don’t be afraid. This shaved head was just for movie. My hair is growing back very slowly. It does save time in the shower. So, I don’t know. Maybe we should all do it, huh?

Hey, it’s good to be here, though it is also very weird to be here hosting Saturday Night Live from home. It is a strange time to try and be funny. But trying to be funny is SNL’s whole thing. So, we thought, “What the heck? Let’s give it a shot.” But why me as host? Well, for one, I have been the celebrity canary in the coal mine for the coronavirus. And ever since being diagnosed, I have been more like America’s dad like ever before since no one wants to be around me very long, and I make people uncomfortable. Now, I was diagnosed back in March with the coronavirus. I was first diagnosed down in Australia. Now, the folks in Australia are fantastic in every way. But they use celcius instead of fahrenheit when they take your temperature. So, when I come in, they say, “You’re 36!” Which seemed very bad to me. Turns out 36 is fine. 38 is bad. So, basically it’s how Hollywood treats female actors. But now, my wife and I are doing fine. We’re doing great. We’re hunkered down like all of it should be. And in fact, this suit, this is the first time I’ve worn anything other than sweatpants since March 11th. My wife had to help me put it on because I forgot how buttons work. But it turns out there’s these little discs and they slide into these slots. Amazing.

Now, this Saturday Night Live is gonna be al little different. For one thing, it has been filmed entirely by the SNL cast who are currently quarantine in their homes just like this. Well, not like this. I mean, their homes are little more like– You know what? I’m gonna let you be the judge of that.

Also, there’s no such thing as Saturdays anymore. It’s just, everyday is today. And we’re not really live. But, we are doing everything we can to make this feel like the SNL you know and love. I am even using cue cards. [pulls a paper from behind the camera] See? I’m even using cue cards. That’s riffed, baby. That’s what I am doing.

So, tonight I can do everything a host does during a normal SNL. I could even do that old chestnut the question and answer monologue. Let’s see, does anyone have any questions? Yes, what about you sir? How about you?

[Cut to Tom Hanks wearing a hat and a fake mustache. He has a smoking pipe in his mouth]

Um, I have a question for Mr. Hanks. I can’t help but notice that you are in excellent shape. What is the secret of your physical regiment?

[Cut back to Tom Hanks wearing suit]

Come on. I just try to stretch a couple of times a week. Go easy on the carbs and the cookies. Thank you though. Anybody else? Yes, you sir.

[Cut to Tom hanks wearing a cowboy hat]

Alright, I got a question for Tommy Tim Tam. What’s a right proper way to get a daily dose of your vegemite?

[Cut back to Tom Hanks wearing suit]

Enough of that. Well, we have a great show for you tonight. Now, is it gonna look a little different than what you’re used to? Yes. Will it be weird to see sketches without big sets and costumes? Sure. But, will it make you laugh? Ugh. You know, it’s SNL. You know. There’ll be some good stuff. Maybe one or two stinkers. You know the drill. But let’s go. Hey, stay safe. We are in this for the duration. And we will get through this together. We are going to thank our hospital workers, our first responders and all the helpers. The supermarket stockers. The people who deliver our food. The people who are making takeout for us. The men and women who are keeping this country going at the time we need more than ever before. So, we’re gonna take care of them and we’re gonna take care of each other. So, let’s try to now just enjoy the show. We will be right back.

Sport Report

Bob Tisdale… Alex Moffat

[Starts with “Sky Sport report” intro]

[Cut to Bob Tisdale in his home]

Bob Tisdale: Good evening, everyone. Bob Tisdale here from Sky Sports. Well, formerly Sky Sport Furloughed. Cheers corona. So, coming to you live with the sport report from a stool in my drawing room. The world of sport never sleeps and I haven’t been sleeping well either. So, let’s see the highlights. This segment is brought to you by Tea, made by my wife. Cheers, Jane. [Bob Tisdale raises his teacup.]

Jane: No, it’s not.

Bob Tisdale: Um, cracking cup. Okay, let’s see. Some highlights.

[Bob Tisdale puts two laptops on a table and presses power button at the same time.]

First up, it’s laptop challenge. Which one will boot up first? And they’re off. Yes, you can hear the sound which one will get to the finish line of booting up first. It’s anyones–

[laptop on the left turns on]

Well, that was quick. Left lappy wins. Not even close.

And over to match endurance, which match will outlast the other?

[Bob Tisdale is holding two burning matchsticks, one in each hand.]

Left match is barely hanging on. And it’s out. Right match wins. That’s why she’s the champ, folks. Oh, she’s out too.

Meanwhile, over at the stove, Jane is making popcorn. [Cut to four pieces of corns placed in a pot.] Um, my favorite. But which kernel will be first to burst. It’s anyone’s guess, really. Top left is really heating up but bottom right is beginning to make his move. Oh, top right. There’s some action. Tossing and turning but no, no bursting. What is going to happen? Bottom left, no life yet, sleeping on the job. Nobody seems to want it out there. But there are signs of life in the pot. Oh! Oh my god, from out of nowhere, top left is your winner. This is why we watch sport. And bottom left is close behind to take the silver and bronze. Nobody cares.

Who is top banana? [Cut to two bananas placed in a bowl] Which will ripe in first? It’s a lightning round. Left banana is picking up momentum. But wait, is that a spot? Something is definitely happening on the right banana. Folks, we are going to be here a while.

[Cut to Bob Tisdale on his stool]

And now a few statistics from the day. Things Jane and I saw from the window. 15 birds, one beautiful brown hawk who flew away before I could film him on my mobile phone, three squirrels, one neighbor hanging a light fixture. And that is it.

Wow! big day today. Okay, this is me Bob Tisdale saying cheers to Jane. Love you babe. And yes, see you tomorrow. Probably!

RBG Workout

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Working Out at Home intro]

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg in her home. She has a poster with “RBG’S Workout Corner” written on it]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Hello. I’m Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and I wanted to say heartfelt hello to everyone who’s stuck inside. I want to show you some exercise you can do while you’re in there just to stay, you know, fit and healthy. So, today we’re gonna be doing working all the major muscle groups of the body. That’ll be abs, gams, tuchus, chicken wings and critical thinking. So, let’s go. So, all you really need for a good home workout is a jump rope [showing a tiny rope] and some weights [showing earbuds].

You’ve got to remember to start by cleaning your equipment with one of these lysol wipes. [showing a wipe that’s size of a bed-sheet.] I’m tiny. They’re big. What are you gonna do?

I need my punching bags. [showing two teabags] Kavanaugh and Gorsuch. Alright, let’s go.

[Cut to Cardio session. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is doing jumping jacks.]

Gotta workout. Don’t want to gain the quarantine 15 ounces. And you got to eat healthy to stay healthy. Everyday I eat a half a chicken. Sorry, chick pea. Half a chick pea.

You got to pee a little every time you move. That’s normal. That’s good. That’s the burn.

Social distancing is important. [kicking at the camera] Take it from me, I’ve been social distancing from Justice Alito since ’03. And that’s a Gins-burn!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing to a hip-hop beat]

[Cut to Tuchus session. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is carrying one earbud on each of her hands and doing squats.] I’m very tough. I’m 87 years old. I survived cancer four times. I went to law school during the Spanish flu. Beat it.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg whispering in front of her cat]

That’s my trainer. If I mess up, he eats me. Scary guy.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg sitting with the support of her back on the wall]

If you’re wondering, I’m not using this time to relax. I’m actually training for the 2021 Olympics. I’m going to do mental gymnastics to figure out why they cut the pandemic response team in 2018. Gins-burn!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing to a hip-hop beat]

[Cut to Flappers session. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is carrying one batter on each of her hands doing shoulder press.] So, for this I like to push myself with something really heavy. You got to get fit to push your thirst traps. I hope I crush these. Dr. Fauci, answer my DMs. [notification sound] That’s a slow burn.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing to a melodic beat.]

[Cut to Stretch session. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is sitting on yoga mattress.]

Oh! Got to cool down now and stretch out with my foam roller. [Ruth Bader Ginsburg shows a piece of mostaccioli] It’s a piece of mostaccioli. Apparently, the virus came from the sick bat. Which makes me wonder, what was Giuliani doing in China?

Mitch McConnell said that the administration didn’t focus on the virus because they were too distracted by impeachment. I mean, are you in congress or parliament because your time line is funkadelic. Funk-me.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing to a funk music.]

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg standing in front of her ‘workout corner’ poster.]

Anyways, thanks for tuning in. And remember, stay healthy. All you need to do is one pushup. Push up is when you think, “Hey, it’s been two weeks. Maybe I’ll put on a bra.” And that’s a self-Gins-burn. Drop the beat!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing to a dance beat.]

[The End]

Quarantine QT

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Ego Nwodim teaching how to makeup]

Ego Nwodim: I’m gonna show you guys how to make it work for the quarantine. So, first thing you’re gonna wanna do is– probably have one of these on you. If you don’t have one of these, chances are you have like, some version of it.

[Ego Nwodim pulls out something like black marker.]

Black crayola marker. You know, you wanna do your brows because that’s what will frame your face.

[Ego Nwodim puts on marker on her brows very badly. It’s good thick and bad.]

Thick is in right now. In lieu of blush, I got this crayola in red, rojo road. Yeah.

[Ego Nwodim puts on the marker on her cheeks. It’s too red for her cheeks. It just looks like she’s doodling on her face.]

Just like, a little bit on your cheek bones. kind of get that apple of your cheeks. I’m running low.

Then you’re probably gonna wanna do a lip. I am kind of feeling like something bold just because things are hard and everyone’s probably again, tired of seeing heir bare face. [pulls out a marker] I’ve got this in violet. OKay? [Ego Nwodim puts on the marker on her lips. It looks horrible.] All this stuff is probably still available on amazon. Like, people are buying like, cleaning supplies and hand sanitizer and whatever. But chances are you can get couple of these.

It’s not as bold as I’d like. So, what I’m gonna do is mix it with this blue azul. I kind of like to keep it lighter near the middle of the lip. And then you’re gonna want to do a highlight.

[Ego Nwodim puts on yello marker on her cheeks]

So, you’re gonna wanna do a highlight right in this region. And just a little highlight on your chin. And you’re done. Facetime ready for the quarantine in case you run out of your makeup. Yeah, guys. I hope this adds a little bit of joy to your lives. I hope I’ve kind of made this whole quarantine thing easier for you. I don’t feel like, you wanna do too much. You just want to keep it natural, have people thinking like, “This is a chill everyday vibe.” So, anyway. Thanks guys. Don’t forget to wash your hands. And stay the hell inside.

Pete Davidson “Drake” Music Video

Pete Davidson

[Music video starts with Pete Davidson recording in his home]

[music playing]

Pete Davidson: [rapping] I’m just– I’m just here to have fun my friend

[Subtitle reads “From his mom’s basement.”]

we’re just making so much money. Wearing watches and getting beautiful women. You know, I’m just wearing this chain and I don’t know what to do.

Uh-yeah

This is a Drake song
I miss my ex, this is a Drake song
number one on the Billboard
number one on the Billboard

This is a Drake song
I miss my ex, this is a Drake song
Number one on the Billboard
Number one on the Billboard

And I need you now
But you in New York and I’m in Macau
I’d be with you, but this is an obstacle
It’s just, it’s not physically possible
Like Mission Impossible, I’m Tom Cruise
Don’t wanna be losin’ you, I take a cruise in you
Penélope Cruisin’ too
I’m a tough guy, but hey, my heart take bruises too, uh

You are my love, you are my love
My baby girl, my number one
My baby girl, my number one
Like my Billboard song

This is a Drake song
I miss my ex, this is a Drake song
Number one on the Billboard
Number one on the Billboard

Pete Davidson “Andre 2000” Music Video

Pete Davidson

[Music video starts with video clips of money, cars and Pete Davidson fooling around]

[music playing]

Pete Davidson: [rapping] Yeah, this is that new rapper
you know, flexing with everything I’ve got
here we go
it’s for moms
Yeah, VIP (Okay)

I got $2,000
I got $2,000
It looks like a lot in the video
But it’s only $2,000

I’m a new young rapper on the block
About $2,000 is all I got
I put it in the video in every shot
It’s t$2,000, it’s all I got
But it looks good in the video
But it’s only 20 hundreds though
If what I’m rappin’ is good, yo, then
Maybe you won’t notice, oh

I got $2,000 (What?)
I got $2,000
It looks like a lot in the video
But it’s only $2,000

Andre 2000, call me Andre 2000 (What?)
Andre 2000, can’t afford 3000
What?

Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles

[Cartoon starts with a woman talking]

Woman: Look Mike, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I realized I spent years trying to fix this. To fix us. And the truth is, I don’t love you anymore. I want to but I can’t. Don’t you have anything to say?

Mike: Yeah. I’ve got something to say. [Cut to Mike, he’s a ninja turtle at his middle age.] If you think you’re getting the kids, you [bleep] crazy!

[Cut to Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles intro]

Song: Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
all of them are just in Under Armour [The ninja turtles are wearing Under Armour sports t-shirts.]

They came from mutant gins a secret booze
now they do their shopping at Whole Foods
they used to be so cool
now they drive their spoiled kids to school

Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
and all of them are slower now, turtle power

[cut to Don having his meal. His phone rings.]

Don: Hello.

Female voice: Hi, Don. This is Dr. Fersunberg.

Don: Oh, hey.

Female voice: Is this a good time to talk?

Don: Uh-huh.

Female voice: Now, if you know, we found a suspicious lump on your spine.

Don: Uh-huh.

[Don’s heartbeat is racing.]

Female voice: So, yeah, we got your test results back.

Don: Uh-okay.

Female voice: Well, I’m looking at the report right now. And as it turns out it was just a benign cyst.

[Don’s relieved.]

Don: Oh. Okay. Great. Thanks.

Song: Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles

[Cut to Raph and Leo at the park drinking coffee]

Raph: Hey, did you hear about Shredder?

Leo: No. What happened?

Raph: He die.

Leo: Wow. Seriously?

Raph: Yeah. You think we should go to the funeral?

Leo: No. No. Maybe the wake but definitely not the service.

Raph: Yeah. Hey man, [hesitating to speak] can I borrow some money?

Leo: Again? Come on, Raph.

Raph: [crying] God I got to stop betting on golf. I don’t even watch it.

Song: Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
their best days are way behind them

MasterClass Quarantine Edition

Timothee Chalamet, Jojo Siwa, Carole Baskin… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with clips of people bored in the house]

Male voice: With the nation on total lockdown, now more than ever you’ve got time. That’s why there’s Masterclass Quarantine Edition. [Cut to Timothee Chalamet looking her mirror] Classes like Timothee Chalamet teaches fashion.

Chloe: I’m really passionate about clothing and fashion and all the clothes. Ha-ha. Hey, what’s up Masterclass? I’m Timothee Chalamet and your mom has sex dreams about me. Ha-ha. La-la-la-la. Ha-ha.

[Break message reads “Learn the keys to his success.”]

Hoodies are pretty much my favorite form of street wear. I’ve about 75 hoodies. All in different shades of navy blue.

[Break message reads “Find out his secrets.”]

Lesson number two is layering. Ha-ha. Put on a hat. Ha-ha. I put it like so. And literally just gonna take your hoodie and put it over your hat. Ha-ha.

[Break message reads “Our first class available in two languages.”]

[speaking in foreign language. Subtitle reads “I’m like a boy king.”]

I’m in my hoodie. I like to wear my hoodie like this. Or I can wear it like this. Ha-ha-ha. Na, na, na.

Male voice: And viral wild child Jojo Siwa teaches tiktok.

[Cut to video clips of Jojo Siwa doing tiktoks]

[Break message reads “Meet your new instructor.”]

Jojo Siwa: Whoa! What’s up Masterclass? It’s your girl Jojo. That’s right, it’s me Jojo Siwa here to teach you how to tiktok.

[Break message reads “A voice like a wooden roller-coaster track- Time Magazine.”]

Now that I’m in quarantine I make a point to do 24 tiktoks per day. Lesson number one, and I’m gonna go fast because I’m technically supposed to be in home school.

[Break message reads “In her first ever online class.”]

Learn from me as to why exactly for no reason I do not understand why I have 17.7 million followers on tiktok.

[Break message reads “Master her unique techniques.”]

To make a tiktok, you can literally do anything.

[Cut to Jojo Siwa’s tiktoks.]

Tiktok is super simple, super easy. Put on your damn shoes.

Male voice: And Carole Baskin teaches bike riding.

[Cut to video clips of Carole Baskin riding bike]

Carole Baskin: Hello, you cool cats and kittens. Come, bike with me.

[Break message reads “Learn directly from the source.”]

Now, don’t go too fast. Where are all the kitties? [laughing] Good thing I’m not covered in sardine oil.

[Break message reads “Carole Baskin like you’ve never seen.”]

[music playing]

[rapping] Hey, you cool cats and kittens, come bike with me.
riding my bike on the big kitty lake around the kitty cat preserve
and I didn’t kill my husband
I like to ride by the big, big kitties and the little baby kitties

Male voice: Masterclass Quarantine Edition

Carole Baskin: Also, I didn’t kill my husband.

Male voice: Still, just as expensive.

How Low Will You Go?

Alex Burpee… Beck Bennett

Tara… Ego Nwodim

Hayley… Heidi Gardner

Ashley… Aidy Bryant

Tip… Mikey Day

Dern… Pete Davidson

Townsen… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “How Low Will You Go?” intro]

Male voice: And now, for another episode of “How Low Will You Go?”

[Cut to Alex Burpeein his home. He is wearing a suit.]

Beck: Hello and welcome to “How Low Will You Go?” The only dating show for sexy singles just getting out of that quarantine. I’m your host, Alex Burpee. That’s right. My dad invented laying down and getting up really quick. Now, let’s meet our contestants.

[Cut to Tara in her home]

Tara: My name is Tara and halfway through quarantine, you know I broke my vibrator.

[Cut to Heyley]

Heyley: What’s up? I’m Hayley and during quarantine, I broke two vibrators and and electric toothbrush.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Hey there, it’s Ashley and during quarantine, I straight up murdered all my vibrators. Pretty sure the last one was a suicide though, coz she left a note that said, [showing the note] “You did this.”

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Oh! Ha-ha. Quarantining isn’t easy for anyone. I had to spend all day with my kids. But get this. I’m the dad. Doesn’t make any sense.

[Cut to split screen with Beck, Tara, Heyley and Ashley.]

Well, after months of social distancing it’s time for our contestants to test how desperate they are to touch another human. Let’s meet our first warm body, Tip.

Tip: Hello, ladies. I’m Tip.and quarantine wasn’t that bad for me because I was already unemployed and I’m kind of an indoor cat. No friends.

Beck: Sorry, ladies. He’s clearly a nerd.

Tara: I’ll do it.

Beck: Really?

Tara: Look, the last warm thing I touched was sourdough. So, Tip, where would you take me on our first date?

Tip: Well, I’ll take you back to my car and cook you cereal for dinner.

Tara: No, no, no. Shut up. I don’t care. I don’t care. We gonna smash. Just tell me where you live.

Tim: Um, the end of Brooklyn.

Tara: If I sprint, I can be there in 45.

Tim: Sweet.

Beck: Okay. Congratulations to the happy couple. Let’s meet our next non-option, Dern.

Dern: Hey, what’s good? I’m Dern. In lockdown, I wanted to be super productive and I was. I saw every episode of Family Guy. [impersonating Family Guy] Oh, Dernr! Gigidy, gigidy,gigidy. Rock lobster!

Beck: Yeesh. Well, I think it’s safe to say none of our ladies would–

Ashley: Yeah. Okay, he is fun.

Beck: You don’t wanna ask him anything first?

Ashley: No. No. He got the good parts with me. I’m good with him.

Dern: Look, you should know. It’s kind of been a while. So, first time–

Ashley: Yeah, well, I got it. First time’s for you. Second time’s for me. Tale as old as time. Let’s call an Uber.

Beck: Well, that leaves our last contestants. Looks like you’ll have your pick of the litter, Hayley.

Heyley: Whoever is fine.

Beck: Then you wanna at least meet him first?

Heyley: Yeah, sure. Fine.

[Townsen appears. He is wearing a robe and shiny sunglasses.]

Townsen: Hazza and hello?

Heyley: Yeah. He’s fine.

Townsen: My online community of friends call me Townsen.

Heyley: That’s fine.

Townsen: I write non-erotic fiction.

Heyley: Yeah. Good with me.

Townsen: And during quarantine, I invented a board game that’s similar to chess but it’s jacked hobbits versus big boobied centaurs.

Heyley: Whatever.

Townsen: How serendipitous. A union.

Heyley: But, um, just so you know, Im looking for something serious. My brother got engaged over quarantine and it lit a fire under my ass that could melt steel.

Townsen: Oh. No, no, no, no can do, baby. Townsen don’t do commitment. Townsen like to play.

Heyley: God! These past few months have been so hard for me.

Beck: Thanks for watching “How Low Will You Go?” I’m Beck. And when can I stop washing my hands?

[The End]

Bernie Sanders Address

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now a message from Senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders sitting on a couch in his home]

Bernie Sanders: Hello, America. It’s me, Bernie Sanders. Always a bridesmaid, never the democratic nominee. Because of the stress of the campaign and the coronavirus, I’ve lost a lot of hair on top which I don’t think is coming back any time soon, unfortunately. As you know, I have suspended my presidential campaign. People have been very nice asking how I’m doing, if I have enough toilet papers. Please, hah! I’m the 78 year old man living in Vermont. I have a whole room full of toilet paper. And by the way, not the good stuff. Single ply. I’m talking single TP. But I digress.

I know a lot of you have questions. And because I can’t download Zoom on my Dell computer, I thought I’d answer them all right here. Question number one, what the hell happened? First of all, math happened. [speaking Spanish] And it didn’t help. That’s the media lined up behind Joe Biden like he lines up behind the set of lady shoulders.

Which brings me to our next question. Will I endorse Joe Biden? It’s not about if I endorse. I am going to endorse. It’s about how I endorse. A full throated [speaking heavily] I endorse this man? Or more than endorsement, uh- soft endorsement. I’m political chop. For the time being, it’s just the chop.

Let’s move on to the real crisis, The coronavirus. Our healthcare workers don’t even have the proper protective equipment. They don’t have Purell. They don’t have the little keychain that has the bottle of Purell that goes on your purse. Their gloves have holes in the fingers like Oliver Twist. And I should know. I went to high school with Oliver Twist. Oh, boy, what a schmuck. [mocking] Please sir, can I have some more. Some more. Greedy little bastard. To tackle this pandemic, here’s what we have to do. No more handshakes. No more high fives. And don’t even mention the Euro kiss. The only greeting we need is the half wave. it’s 50% ‘hello’ and 50% ‘yeah, yeah, yeah. Go away. Go away.’ It has worked for me for years.

So, what’s next? Look, don’t worry about me. It’s spring in Vermont, so soon it will be up to 40 degrees. And I finally have the time to relax and finish that heart attack from October. But my immediate plan is to do anything I can to beat Donald Trump. That’s why I’m voting for Joe Biden as enthusiastically as Joe voted for the Iraq war.

In closing, I just wanna say sincere thank you to everyone who voted for me. The young people, the queer people, the Brendans, the Kyles, and of course, the hot girls who love weed. And to the little bird who landed on my podium during the last election, where the hell were you this time?

So, stay safe. Stay healthy. And please, whatever you do, stay the hell away from me.

Okay, somebody show me how to turn this stupid thing off.

Male voice: This has been a message from Senator Bernie Sanders.