Category: 2016

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a KitKat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British woman is demanding a lifetime supply of KitKats after she bit into one of the candy bars and it didn’t have a wafer inside of it. And in response, KitKat has issued this statement.

[Picture changes to five KitKat bars arranged like showing a middle finger]

[Picture changes to Hellmann’s logo]

Hellmann’s has announced that it is releasing eggless vegan version of it’s mayonnaise. Hellmann’s is calling the product, Colin.

[Picture changes to Colin Jost]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is picture of a bunch of pencils at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Uh, it’s his month.

Michael Che: Oh, man! That’s not nice dude! [laughing]

Colin Jost: A teenager in Nepal set a new world record by fitting more than a 130 pencils in his mouth, which is the same method they use to cast the latest season of the Bachelor. [Picture changes to TV show The Bachelor logo]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of cheese at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in Wisconsin have uncovered more than $90,000 worth of stolen parmesan cheese. Apparently the thief was able to steal so much parmesan by never saying when.

[Picture changes to shredded cheese]

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Pizza Hut at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In honor of 50th anniversary of the Superbowl, Pizza Hut is giving away pizza covered in edible gold. So kind of look like you won a giant gold metal in the Olympics of sadness.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking February, 2016 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week marks the beginning of a lot of white news anchors telling you it’s Black History Month.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: This week marks the beginning of Black History Month. Back to you Michael.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: I never say why do people complain so much about Black History Month. It’s not like you actually have to do anything. There’s no test at the end of it. You don’t have to buy us a gift. There’s no tree. At the most, you gotta sit through a few MLK commercials. And who is so racist that when they watch 30 seconds of ‘I have a dream’, they’re thinking, “Play a white speech.” By the way, this year is a leap year. So there’s an extra day of Black History Month and I’m gonna use it to honor the 29th most important black person in history, [Picture changes to Scottie Pippen] Scottie Pippen.

[Picture changes to marijuana]

A California company has created a new marijuana based vaginal suppository to help women suffering from menstrual pain. And ladies, if you’re lucky, it might give your boyfriend the munchies.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

It’s a thinking. [laughing]

Colin Jost: It’s not a thinker!

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Republican’s logo at left top corner.]

Well, we have real actual breaking news here tonight. Less than an hour ago, the republicans held a presidential debate at New Hampshire and things got off to a real rocky start. Here is actual footage of Ben Carson’s entrance where the one thing he forgot to do was enter.

[Cut to video clip from Republicans presidential debate]

[Chris Christie walking]

Male voice: New Jersey governor, Chris Christie.

Female voice: Dr. Ben Carson.

[Ben Carso walks half way and stops]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh man! Of all people, you’d never expect Ben Carson to fall asleep at the wheel. But don’t worry. Look, he’s a neurosurgeon, he’ll figure things out.

[Cut to video clip of Ben Carson moving forward]

Male voice: Texas senator, Ted Cruz.

[Ben Carson stops again and looks behind at Ted Cruz walking and he lets him pass and he waits.]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! Oh, that was Ted Cruz as he has always been, very helpful to Ben Carson. I just loved that the stage hand waved at Ben Carson to get on the stage and Ben Carson just stared at him so long that even the stage hang just gave up. But don’t worry. While Dr. Carson was back there, he made a friend.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump and Ben Carson standing together]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Those two won’t even enter the debate. That’s how badly they want to be outsiders. But the ending– the ending, was my favorite part.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Ben Carson standing]

Female voice: Former Florida governor, Jeb Bush.

[Jeb Bush walks pass them]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What a great look from Jeb. And that is something you will never see again, Jeb Bush passing Donald Trump.

[Picture changes to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]

There was also a debate this week between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, which was hosted by MSNBC and broadcast at 500 decibels.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump finished second in the voting between Ted Cruz and third place finisher Marco Rubio, turning Trump into what he loves the most, a lose surrounded by Hispanics.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump’s photo in the middle of Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio’s photos.]

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

On his first visit to a US mosque, president Obama called on television producers to create Muslim characters that are not related to issues of national security. Although, Mr. President, if you really want to reach TV producers, say it at a Synagogue.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ted Cruz and his wife.]

Colin Jost: Ted Cruz’s wife revealed that when he needs to relieve stress, Ted calls her and sings Broadway show tunes. It’s something most couple refer to as ‘Irreconcilable differences’. And by the way, if you’re wondering, Ted Cruz’s favorite musical is rent, because he loves how it depicts a young artist with New York values, dying without access to affordable healthcare.

Tortino’s Pizza Rolls

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with six men watching the game and celebrating the scores]

Vanessa: My husband and his friends love to watch the big game. But all their cheering and shouting can make them pretty hungry.

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling]

That’s why I love Totino’s Pizza Rolls. The only game time snack that satisfies my hungry guys. And Tortino’s Pizza Rolls aren’t just delicious. They’re also easy to make. Simply–

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling]

Wow, there really is a lot happening fast in this big game. So this Super Bowl–

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling]

–why not treat your hungry guys–

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling]

–to the delicious taste of Tortino’s.

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling]

If they’re anything like my hungry guys–

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling]

–they’ll love these cheesy bites–

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling]

–more than their favorite team.

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling]

[microwave sound]

[Vanessa brings in the Tortino’s Pizza Rolls to the guys]

Guys, the Tortino’s are ready. Hope I’m not interrupting the big game.

[The guys are staring at the TV but the TV is off.]

There’s nothing on the TV. The screen is completely black.

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling]

Steven! What’s going on! What have you guys been shouting at this whole time?

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling]

[Vanessa drops all the Tortino’s Pizza Rolls]

Okay, ha-ha. Very funny, Steven.

[Vanessa picks up scissors]

Cut it out!

[Vanessa’s husband and friends yelling]

Why are you doing this? Britney! Get in the car!

[Vanessa’s husband and friends shout and look at Vanessa. Their eyes are all black.]

What’s happening to my hungry guys?

[Cut to The X Files video bumper]

Male voice: The X Files, new episodes, Mondays at eight.

Super Bowl Greeting

Cam Newton… Kenan Thompson

Peyton Mannnig… Taran Killam

Policemen… Beck Bennett, Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Super Bowl greeting intro]

Male voice: And now, a Super Bowl greeting from Cam Newton and Peyton Manning.

[Cut to Cam Newton and Peyton Manning sitting and playing the piano]

Cam Newton: Oh, hey there Peyton.

Peyton Manning: Oh, hey Cam.

Cam Newton: You ready for the big game tomorrow?

Peyton Manning: I mean, not physically, but otherwise sure!

Cam Newton: What a special match-up it’s gonna be, huh?

Cam Newton and Peyton Manning: [singing] Ebony and Ivory
facing off in Super Bowl 50

Cam Newton: The media coverage was interesting this week too.

Peyton Manning: Yeah. I’m just trying to enjoy the whole experience, you know? I’ve been smiling all week, giving people high-fives.

Cam Newton: That sounds great. And when you did that, did they accuse you of show boating and call you a thug?

Peyton Manning: No, not really.

Cam Newton: Hmm, maybe that’s because

Cam Newton and Peyton Manning: [singing] Ebony and Ivory

Cam Newton: In the press there’s a real discrepancy

Peyton Manning: Well, I will say I did get a couple of tough questions from reporters too.

Cam Newton: Tough questions?

Peyton Manning: Yes sir.

Cam Newton: Oh, that’s a shame. I got letters from angry mothers in Tennessee because I dance too much.

Peyton Manning: Well, you do celebrate a lot more than me

Cam Newton: Coz I have Bobby5 touchdowns and you have like, three

Peyton Manning: Actually, it was nine.

Cam Newton: In how many interceptions?

Peyton Manning: I don’t think they keep stats on that anymore. Look, white quarterbacks got tough time too, Cam. I mean look at Johnny Manziel. The Browns just released him.

Cam Newton: Yeah, and all he did was get drunk, missed practice and get accuse of assaulting his girlfriend. But he couldn’t do one thing that could save him… win!

Cam Newton and Peyton Manning: Ebony and Ivory

Cam Newton: Why would anyone be afraid of me?
I do ads for Greek yogurt and Kids Tv

Peyton Manning: And I hang out with Papa John who’s like way creepy

Cam Newton: Yeah, what is the deal with that Papa John guy anyway?

Peyton Manning: Oh! Do not know man! The other day I walked in on the guy, he was kissing one of his pizzas. And I actually heard him whisper to it, “Let’s get you out those toppings.”

Cam Newton: Oh, damn!

Peyton Manning: Yeah, it was way bad man. Let’s just say that I think he might have lost his mind.

Cam Newton: I caught it. Well, if you do retire, we’re gonna miss you Peyton. You’re one of the greatest of all time.

Peyton Manning: Well, thank you very much Cam. And I know that whatever happens, the game is in very good hands with you. We may not have the same style, but I certainly do like your’s a lot.

Cam Newton: Oh, come on, man!

Cam Newton and Peyton Manning: Ebony and Ivory
we’re as different as two quarterbacks could be
but there’s one thing we both agree
we are never gonna see that Concussion movie

Peyton Manning: Hey, I want to show you some of your famous moves of your game, huh?

Cam Newton: Alright! Alright!

[Cam Newton stands]

Look at my dab! Look at my dab!

[Two police officers come in]

Beck: Slow down. Hands where I see em’.

Bobby: Hey, you okay Mr. Manning?

Peyton Manning: Gosh, yea, yeah. He was just having fun.

Bobby: Okay, really? Coz earlier we saw him giving young child a large brown gun.

Cam Newton: Ay, man! That was a football.

[Cut to Super Bowl greeting outro]

Male voice: This has been a Super Bowl greeting form Cam Newton and Peyton Manning.

[The End]

Steam Ship

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Larry David

Kenan Thompson

Donovan … Vanessa Bayer

Bernie Sanders

[Starts with people panicking on a sinking ship]

Taran: We’re going down.

Beck: Evacuate the ship.

Kate: Have mercy on our son.

Bobby: Light the signal.

Larry: Light some.

Kenan: Lower down the life-boats.

Larry: Lower them.

Taran: Women and children first.

Larry: What’s that?

Taran: Women and children first.

Larry: Really?

Taran: Yes, really.

Larry: Shouldn’t it just be whoever is closest?

Bobby: Load the rations.

Taran: Tie them to the bust.

Kenan: Board the women and children. Save their lives.

Larry: And let’s not forget about the men’s lives.

[Kate gets on the boat with hers on]

That kid, he’s more of a man than I am!

Kenan: Hold on steady.

Bobby: Hold on.

Larry: Check his pants. Check for pubes.

Taran: No! We are absolutely not doing that.

Larry: You’re gonna let me drown but you won’t just do a simple pubes check?

Kenan: Help madam Donovan on to the life boat.

Larry: Her? What are you saving her for? She’s a threat to all of us. Have you gone through menopause, man!

Madam Donovan: That’s none of your business.

Larry: Oh, that answers my question. Sharks are going to be following up from miles if you’ll catch me drift.

Kenan: You suck, sir!

[Another woman and a kid gets on the boat]

Larry: Are you kidding me? That’s not a kid. that’s a midget, I can tell.

Kenan: Not cool.

Larry: I can say it. It’s old in times.

Taran: Alright men. Make sure every woman and child has a life vest.

Larry: Well, okay. I hate to pull this but my father is rich. I come from a wealthy family. Technically, my life is worth more than all of your’s put together. Especially these women and midgets. So if it’s all the same to you, I’m gonna pop down in that lifeboat.

[Bernie Sanders walks in]

Bernie Sanders: Hold on! Hold on! Wait a second! I am so sick of the 1% getting this preferential treatment. Enough is enough. We need to unite and work together. If we’re all going to get through this.

Larry: Sounds like socialism to me.

Bernie Sanders: Democratic socialism.

Larry: Ah! What’s the difference?

Bernie Sanders: Huge difference.

Larry: Yuge?

Bernie Sanders: Huge.

Larry: Yuge with a Y? Who are you?

Bernie Sanders: I am Bernie Sanders Witsky. But we’re gonna change it when we get to America so it doesn’t sound so quite Jewish.

Larry: Yeah, that will trick them.

Taran: Hold on everyone. I’ve got great news. What we crossed into was Liberty Island. We’re in New York. Everyone off the boat!

[everybody cheering]

Bernie Sanders: Look at that!

Larry: Oh, wow! Not bad.

Bernie Sanders: Share a cab?

Larry: Nah! I think we’ve talked enough.

[The End]

Song Writing

Jason… Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Ross… Larry David

Ted… Taran Killam

Willow… Kate McKinnon

Nate… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with a music class]

Jason: Okay guys, welcome to intro to song writing. I’m Jason. Are you guys excited?

Vanessa: [singing] Yes we are!

Jason: Yes! I love that excitement. You guys rock.

Ross: That’s a cool haircut man.

Jason: Thanks. Okay, so today’s class is about lyrics and what do most song lyrics have in common?

Ted: Um, they rhyme

Jason: Yes, Ted. So, I wanna start with very funny, basic and silly, fun exercise to show how visualizing the world of a song could help us rhyme. So, [Jason pulls out an instrument] I’m gonna start up.

Ross: Cool drums.

Jason: Thanks Ross.

Ross: Yeah, don’t mention it.

Jason: I appreciate it. So, we’re gonna sing a song as a class about a forest. And I want you all to visualize a forest. Okay? Willow, I’m gonna start with you. I’m gonna give you a lyric and then you’ll have to finish it, okay?

Willow: Please don’t.

Jason: Hey, no pressure. This is very easy, alright?

[singing] I see an animal walking near
great big antlers, it’s a–

Willow: Deer!

Jason: Alright! You see? Easy stuff. Ross, your turn bud. You ready?

[singing] In the creek, I see a frog
watch as he leaps over the–

Ross: Frog house.

Jason: No. Not frog house. I love the creativity. But try and find the rhyme. Alright? You ready? Okay.

[singing] In the creek, I see a frog
watch as he eaps over the–

Ross: Dull frog building.

Jason: Ross, you’re over complicating it, bud. Where is the frog?

Ross: His house.

Jason: Okay, but where is his house?

Ross: Frog end.

Jason: Alright, the word was log. We’re all looking for the world log. It’s all good though. Um, Ross, we’re gonna do a new one, okay? Alright.

[singing] buzz, buzz, wake up in the trees
oh-oh, it’s a swarm of

Ross: Frogs and tiny helicopters.

Jason: Ross, bud. What’s with you and the frogs?

Ross: I’m visualizing the world of frog.

Jason: Alright, we’re moving on now. Now, there’s no frog.

Ross: Oh my god, what happened to them? Are the frogs okay?

Jason: Just no more frogs. Cool? Okay, listen. You’re ready?

[singing] buzz, buzz, up in the trees
oh-oh, it’s a swarm of

Ross: The rise of the toads.

Jason: Ross. I said no frogs.

Ross: I know. The toads invaded and killed the frogs.

Jason: The word was bees. Good try Ross. Alright. Brand new song about– how about a fun day at the beach?

Ross: But the toads closed all the beaches coz they’re at war.

Vanessa: You’re legitimately talented.

Jason: Nate, your turn. No toads.

[singing] Going to the beach, gonna have fun
spending the day under the–

[Cut to Nate and Vanessa]

Nate: Okay. See, I know it’s sun. But yo! I wanna say shadow of the toad’s warships.

[Cut to Ted and Willow]

Ted: Yeah. And I’m super curious. Who are the toad’s enemies since the frogs are gone?

[Cut to Ross and Jason]

Ross: The Iguanas, man! The Iguanas want to crush the toads. Iguana… wanna… oh damn! I got some! Give me that guitar. Give me that guitar. I’m gonna write my own.

[Cut to everybody]

[singing] And the frogs are under the trees

[The End]

Message From Ted Cruz Cold Open

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Katherine Cruz… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a written video clip.]

Female voice: And now a message from senator Ted Cruz.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Oh, hello. I was just reading my Conscience of Bedtime Story. Now, some of you have already seen me in tonight’s Republican debate in New Hampshire. And if you missed it, here’s a quick recap. I won. I also won the Iowa Caucus. Thanks to endorsements from strong conservatives like Glenn Beck and God Almighty. Now, I’ll admit I’m a non-conventional candidate. I’m not like other politicians. I didn’t get where I am today because I was born wealthy or handsome or charismatic, or nice. I am not cool or likable, or even fine. I’m not young and hip. I am not off the chain. I’m not energetic and healthy. Physically, I’m not doing well at all. From the side, I look like a Far Side cartoon.

In other words, I have overcome perhaps the greatest political liability of all time. Being Ted Cruz. Mine is a story of Triumph over adversity. Like FTR in his wheel chair. But instead of a wheel chair, it’s my personality and face. Now, how have I done this? A few things. First, my family. I would be nothing without the love and support of my incredible family like my daughter Katherine here. Come here sweetie.

[Katherine Cruz walks in]

How about a hug for daddy?

Katherine Cruz: No.

Ted Cruz: Hah, come on now. Give daddy a hug for the camera.

Katherine Cruz: No.

Ted Cruz: Oh come here sweetie. [Ted Cruz leans towards his daughter to get a hug but his daughter pushes him away.] Alright, how about a kiss? [Ted Cruz kisses his daughter on her cheek] I’ll settle for a kiss.

[Katherine Cruz jumps around and leaves]

Love you too, honey. My pride and joy.

My second secret to success, a sense of humor. I am very funny. For example, [giggling] what did Donald Trump do when he lost hour? He threw a Trumper tantrum. [laughing] You can find plenty of more right here in my book. [Ted Cruz holds a book] The book that New York Times went out of their way to call “Not a best seller”.

And the final and the largest key to my success, I’m a sneaky little stinker. From sending out bogus flyers in hour to spreading rumors that Ben Carson had dropped out. I am like the greased pig of politics. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Folks, we’ve had presidents who were governors, generals. Isn’t it time for a president who is just a nasty little weasel? So when you go to the polls this primary season, take a good look at your choices and ask yourself, which one of these guys would be played by Paul Giamatti. I’ll see you at the polls and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Larry David Monologue

Larry David

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Larry David.

[Larry David walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Larry David: Alright. Alright. Okay. Okay. Stop. Stop. You’re gonna be very disappointed. That’s what I do. I disappoint people. Anyway, this hosting thing, come on. So stupid. I’m not a host. I’m a guest. I don’t host things. No one’s ever been to my house. If they did go, they’d find it extremely unpleasant. I don’t put out snacks with dip. I can’t remember the last time I had dip in my house. I have a dip-less house.

You know, I auditioned for this show many, many years ago and I was terrible. Those were the days when I was just a poor schmuck. As opposed to now. Now, I’m a rich prick. Every noticed how the word prick invariably follows the word rich? If you’re rich, you have to be a prick. Same way the word schmuck always follows the word poor. If you’re poor, you’re a schmuck. Why else would you be poor? So I went from a poor schmuck to a rich prick without hardly any transition. I’m not that much happier as a prick than a schmuck. I can be a schmuck again. I never thought I’d become a prick. Neither did my friends. They said, “He’ll never be a prick.” And them boom! One day, I’m a prick. I have all new friends, all pricks.

So now, you know, here I am. I’m hosting. It’s all very well and good but honestly, I can’t wait to leave. In fact, I would say that’s one of the great pleasures of my life. It’s leaving anywhere I am. Wherever I am, I wanna get the hell out of there. Anywhere I am, it’s like I just had sex. I must go. I must vacate the area.

I’ve also noticed now how every time I start dating, my friends always say to me, “Aren’t you concerned she’s only going out with you coz you have some money and you’re on TV?” No! Why else would she go out with me? Of course that’s why she’s going out with me. That’s one of the benefits. That’s why I did this in the first place. What do you think? She has a pension for old bald men? She’s supposed to like me for myself? I don’t even like me for myself. I’m not a good person. I commit six of the seven deadly sins on a daily basis. The only sin I don’t commit is gluttony. So the nicest thing you can say about me is I’m not a fat pig.

I’ve always been kind of thin. My parents were concerned when I was younger that I might have an eating disorder. Nothing horrifies Jews more than a kid who won’t eat. Oh my god, it’s the end of the world. They’d rather I’d shot heroin. Even if I killed someone, that would be preferable to throwing up my dinner. An eating disorder? Could you imagine? “Larry! Larry! What are you doing in my bathroom? Are you throwing up your dinner? Mony! He’s throwing up his dinner again.” “Ah! Leave him alone, Rose. I don’t give a good god damn what he’s doing. Who throws up a brisket? Your mother made a beautiful brisket and that’s what you do? Well, I got news for you. You’re paying for that brisket, and the potato and the apple sauce, everything in that toilet bowl. I’m gonna wash that out.”

Now, here’s the part where I’m supposed to say we have a great show for you tonight. I can’t say that. I love the great show. Secondly, why are there expectations? What I should be saying is, “Ah! The show is so-so.” And if it’s good, you can be surprised. Anyway, the band is the 1975. 1975, which also happens to be the year I broke my masturbation record. 412 times. That’s not terrible. Not terrible. Anyway, we’ll be right back.

[The End]

FBI Field Simulator

Cecily Strong

Taran Killam

Pete Davidson

O’Heli… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with FBI Academy Quantico VA.]

Cecily: Alright, cadets. You wanna be an FBI agent, [showing a handgun] you gotta pass firearm training. This straight simulator designed to evaluate your ability to asses when and when not to use deadly force. You will use this infrared light pistol to shoot at our lifelike target dummies. Some are harmless civilians while others are–

[Cut to dummy]

Dummy: I’m gonna kill you.

[Cecily shoots at him]

Cecily: –need to get dropped.

Pete: Damn, that’s so realistic.

Cecily: Yeah. Only the best for you clowns. Any questions.

O’Heli: Ha-ha. Yeah, who’s got the highest score in this game?

Cecily: Hilarious, O’Heli. You think of that when you’re sitting on the can this morning?

O’Heli: No, just now.

Cecily: Well, why don’t you go first since you’re so good at warming up the crowd. Star it up!

[starting bell rings and O’Heli gets ready]

[First dummy appears. He is a thug with a gun.]

Dummy: See you in hell.

[O’Heli shoots at him]

Cecily: Nice shot.

[Next dummy appears. She is an old lady.]

Dummy: My cat ran away. Help me.

[O’Heli doesn’t shoot at her]

Cecily: Um, good read.

[Next dummy appears with an orange suit on and a telephone in his hand]

Dummy: I’m Kevin Roberts and I’m the coolest fish in town. Where’s the party?

[O’Heli gets confused, so he shoots.]

Cecily: Pull it! O’Heli! You wanna tell me why you just shot an innocent civilian?

O’Heli: I apologize. Thug with a gun, clearly bad. Nice old lady, obviously good. Then you got Kevin Roberts. I mean I couldn’t get a read on a man on neon suit holding a big old cell phone claiming to be the coolest bitch in town. It just didn’t seem to fit a type.

Cecily: Ya, okay. This simulator is designed to see how you’ll react in the real world. And it’s not all bank robbers and girl scouts out there, okay? There’s people like Kevin Roberts. Head scratchers. Wild cards. And you don’t use your weapon just because somebody confuses you.

O’Heli: Again, that was my bad. In my defense, I’m pretty confident that type of man does not exist in society. I mean it looks like he came out of 1980s computer game.

Cecily: [sarcastically] Yeah, thanks O’Heli. We value your feedback. Let’s get back to it.

[The bell rings]

[A dummy appears. She has a shotgun and she is yelling]

[O’Heli shoots at her.]

[Another dummy appears. She is just a normal looking girl.]

Dummy: Oh, no! I left my backpack on the school bus.

[O’Heli doesn’t shoot her]

Cecily: Um, there you go. Good control, O’Heli.

[The same dummy on an orange suit appears with the same telephone]

Dummy: I’m Kevin Roberts and I got a very important question. Can a bitch get a doughnut? Now let’s dance. [music playing and the dummy is dancing] See you on a flip side.

Pete: Yo, did that guy just say, “Can a bitch get a doughnut?”

O’Heli: [looking confused] Who the hell designed this thing?

Cecily: Hey, keep your head in the game.

[Another dummy appears. He is wearing yellow suit.]

Dummy: Have you seen my friend Kevin Roberts? Coz I got the bitch a doughnut!

O’Heli: Why does Kevin Roberts have friends in the story line?

Cecily: Focus! Do not let it throw you!

[Another dummy appears. He’s wearing a black leather jacket.]

Dummy: I don’t mean any trouble.

[Dummy puts his hand inside his jacket pocket]

O’Heli: Oh, he’s reaching into his jacket. What’s he doing? What’s he got in there?

[The dummy in orange suit appears simultaneously]

Dummy in orange suit: Breaking news, Kevin Roberts just got his second base with a lady.

O’Heli: No! Go away Kevin Roberts.

[The dummy in black leather jacket shoots at O’Heli]

Dummy in leather jacket: Did pig!

Cecily: Wow! And now you’re dead. Not good, O’Heli.

O’Heli: Kevin Roberts got in my head. He said he got that second base and I was like, “Who would do that with Kevin Roberts?” Being a field agent means dealing with human puzzles like Kevin Roberts, maybe I belong behind a desk. Sorry I wasted the bureau’s time.

Cecily: Don’t apologize to me, O’Heli. You go apologize to the portrait of the man who dedicated his life to designing this simulator.

[Cut to a photograph of the man in orange suit. He is the Chief Designer of the simulator.]

[The End]