Category: 2016

Bern Your Enthusiasm

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Jane Sanders… Vanessa Bayer

Jeff… Bobby Moynihan

Suzan… Cecily

[Starts with public crows at Bernie Sander’s rally. Benie Sanders and Jane Sanders and walking together.]

Jane Sanders: Sweetie, I can’t believe how many people are here.

Benie Sanders: It’s  revolution, Jane. Millions of people. If we have a good turn out, we can win Iowa.

Leslie: Oh my god! Mr. Bernie Sanders. I’m your biggest fan. [coughs on her right palm] And I’m telling you, I’m feeling your Bern! [gives her right hand to shake]

[Benie Sanders doesn’t shake his hand]

Benie Sanders: Ah! That’s okay.

Leslie: Well, what do you mean? Shake my hand.

Benie Sanders: You coughed into your hand, then shake it after a cough.

Leslie: No I didn’t. Just shake my hand.

Benie Sanders: No, no. You specifically coughed in your hand. I saw it.

Leslie: No I didn’t.

Kenan: Come on, Mr. Sanders. Don’t be rude. Shake my wife’s hand.

Benie Sanders: Sir, I am not being rude. She’s the one who is being rude by offering a germ infested hand at me.

Leslie: A germ infested hand? Is that right? I am a voter. That’s that I am. Germ infested person?

Benie Sanders: I am running for president. I do not shake disgusting hands.

Leslie: Oh, I’m disgusting now? Really? Don’t walk away from me, Bernie Sanders!

[Cut to Bernie Sanders in his office]

Kyle: Mr. Sanders, can I get you a coffee?

Benie Sanders: A coffee. Yeah, you know what? I’ll have a coffee with whole milk.

Kyle: Sorry, I think we only have 2%.

Benie Sanders: 2%? No, no. If I’m gonna have milk, I’ll have milk. Thank you very much.

Jeff: Bernie! What’s this I hear about you not shaking your constituent’s hands. You can’t do that.

Benie Sanders: No, you don’t understand Jeff. She gave me a cough and shake.

Jeff: Sure it wasn’t a cough and a wipe and a shake?

Benie Sanders: No, no. There was no wipe. Definitely no wipe. She didn’t have the decency to give me a wife.

Suzan: You are such an asshole Bernie. You know what? This is why nobody likes you, because you’re an asshole.

Benie Sanders: Oh, I’m an asshole?

Suzan: Yeah! You are. You are.

Benie Sanders: People love me, okay? I have more individual donations than any candidate in history and I don’t take from millionaires and billionaires. The average is just–

Suzan: $27, yeah, we know. Coz you say it every time you’re on TV.

Benie Sanders: Okay, we’ll keep it low, low.

Suzan: Everybody knows!

Benie Sanders: Oh, shut up, Suzan. Okay?

[Jay walks in]

Jay: Bernie F-ing Sanders! Ha-ha-ha. Listen man. I’ll tell you something. I heard you didn’t want to shake a black woman’s hand.

Benie Sanders: What? Don’t! Don’t say ‘black woman’, okay? There’s nothing to do with black. She gave me a cough and shake.

Jay: Listen, you need the black vote, Bernie. You need to shake as many black women’s hands as you can. I don’t care if the hand’s got dookie on it. You shake that hand. You might get a dookie in your hand, but you know what else you get? A damn vote.

Benie Sanders: Okay, that was fascinating. I’m gonna go get some coffee.

Suzan: You can’t go out there.

Benie Sanders: Why? I’m a person like everybody else. I’m a normal human being.

Suzan: You’re not normal.

Benie Sanders: Normal human being. Oh, shut up Suzie! How about that?

Suzan: You shut up.

[Cut to Benie Sanders walking at the snowy street.]

[As Benie Sanders is walking to get a coffee, there’s a car hitting sound.]

[Cut to Aidy in the broken car.]

Aidy: Help. Somebody, please!

Benie Sanders: My god! What happened?

Aidy: I- I don’t know. Are you Bernie Sanders? I was just on my way to vote for you.

Benie Sanders: Oh, how– what can I do? How can I help?

Aidy: Well, I think I dislocated my shoulder. So can you just pop it back in?

Benie Sanders: Pop it back in? Are you nuts?

Aidy: No. It’s easy. Just pop it back in.

Benie Sanders: Oh, I cannot. Go to a hospital. I don’t pop– I’m not a popper.

Aidy: Well, come on! The poll’s closing in an hour. If you want my vote just pop it back in.

Benie Sanders: I don’t want it that bad. I never popped in my life. I’m from Brooklyn. We don’t pop in Brooklyn. I’m sorry.

Aidy: Come on!

Benie Sanders: I have no popping experience. I’m sorry.

Aidy: Bernie!

Benie Sanders: I’m sorry.

[Benie Sanders walks away]

Aidy: F-you! Bernie!

[Cut to Bernie walking back into his office. Everyone is looking at the poll.]

Benie Sanders: Excuse me. Excuse me. How are we doing?

Jeff: I’m so glad you could make it, Bernie. The polls are closed.

Jane Sanders: Where is your coffee?

Benie Sanders: I had an incident–

Suzan: The hell you talking about incident. Just drink the coffee here.

Benie Sanders: I don’t want to drink the coffee. 2%. What’s 2%? I’m not drinking–

Suzan: What are you? Some weirdo psychopath? What’s wrong with 2%?

Taran: Alright, start the presses. Headlines in. They feel the Bern. Huge voter turnout. Huge, massive!

Benie Sanders: Turnout? This is wonderful. Did you hear? Huge! Huge turnout. You know what that means? That means we win.

Suzan: Hey you [bleep] four eyes. Look at the TV dumb [bleep]. You didn’t win. You lost.

Jeff: You lost by like, .2%. Come on!

Benie Sanders: .2%? What? How many people is that?

Taran: It’s like, five people.

Jane Sanders: How could we lose by five people?

Suzan: What did you do? You did something.

[Benie Sanders looks at the TV. He sees Aidy, Leslie and Kenan waving at the TV wearing Hillary shirt.]

Kyle: Sir, are you sure I can’t bring you that coffee? We still only have 2%.

Benie Sanders: I’ll take the 2%.

[The End]

At the Bar

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Ace Chuggins… Larry David

Sheila Sovage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bartender offering last call at the bar booth]

Bartender: Alright you sad sex, last call. So either hook up now or go home and take care of yourselves.

Ace: Hey bartender, give me a Kentucky Night Cap. That’s a bourbon with tiny old PN floating in.

Sheila: And I’ll take one more vodka chatter please. Might as well, my liver’s losing a jazz to a night by the name of Sir Roses. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Ace and Sheila]

Ace: Well, well, well. Looks like there’s one pickled egg still floating around in a vinegar.

Sheila: And? Why don’t you fish me out, lay me down on a plate and see if you can get pass how I look and smell?

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: Please, I had stew for dinner that I would like to stay down.

[Cut to Ace and Sheila]

Sheila: Thank you. Mind if I scoot a little closer pal? The seat I’m on is wet and it is my fault.

Ace: Come on over. As long as you don’t mind the smell of garlic. My D pushed my face into a plate of lasagna earlier.

Sheila: Lasagna, huh? That’s funny. In high school, they called me Garfield coz I hated Mondays and I had a tail.

Ace: Wow! You really know how to make a man confused down there. What’s your name, sweetie?

Sheila: It’s Sheila Sovage. You can remember that coz if you mix up the letters, it almost spells vagastill!

[Cut to Bartender looking disgusted]

[Cut to Ace and Sheila]

What’s your handle brother?

Ace: They call me Ace Chuggins.

Sheila: Ace? Get out! I’m wearing one of your bandages right now coz I ran out of underwear. Wow.

Ace: Ah! Sorry, you’re thinking of a different Ace. I work as a before model for teeth whitening ads.

Sheila: Get out! I have teeth for now.

Ace: That’s insanity. You know, I gotta be honest with you. When I first saw you, I thought I’d have to put a paper bag over our heads. Now I’m like, “Yeah! Just put her in a shadow.”

Sheila: Yeah. And you had me at paper bag on my head.

Ace: Wow!

Sheila: Wow!

Ace: We are connecting big time. Quick! What’s your favorite color?

Sheila: Stripes. What’s your favorite smell?

Ace: No fart.

Sheila: Me too. No fart.

Ace: Really?

Sheila: Something is happening here.

Ace: Oh, it is. It is happening.

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: Yes, called an outbreak. And it’s time for you to take the viruses out of here.

[Cut to Ace and Sheila]

Sheila: You heard the man? Why don’t we go back to my place to see how many lays are left in the sack. Crumpled old potato chip bag, huh?

Ace: I bet you, I can have just one.

[Sheila pulls her lipstick out and Ace pulls his chapstick out.]

Sheila: Well, looks like we both just bought a ticket to the kiss concert.

Ace: My tongue’s not as long as Jean Simmon’s, but my penis is even shorter.

Sheila: Let’s do this.

[Ace and Sheila start kissing wildly]

[Cut to Bartender hiding behind a net]

Bartender: No! No!

[Cut to Ace and Sheila]

Sheila: Oh!

Ace: Oh!

Sheila: Wow, that was just amazing.

Ace: I think you gave me black balls.

Sheila: Yikes. Looks like this old Alcamino has stalled on the ramp.

Ace: Well, hang on. Maybe we better take it into the shopping, look under the hood. If you know what I mean.

Sheila: [smiles] I think I do.

[Sheila raises Ace’s wig and kisses on his bald head]

Bartender: Oh, boy!

[The End]

Weekend Update Willie About Blizzard

Willie

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Winter is in full swing with the first snow storm of the season hitting the north east this weekend. And I for one am not thrilled about it. But here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! Well, happy blizzard, everybody! Don’t you just love it? I can’t wait to go home, wrap myself in a warm cozy blanket, grab a nice thick book and just start racking roaches.

Michael Che: Your apartment has that many roaches?

Willie: Well, squaders can’t be choosers, Michael! [Cut to Willie] It’s like the best removing crew said, “My god, there’s somebody alive in here.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s terrible, dude!

Willie: But, what about all the fun things you can do with snow? The snow angels, making snow balls and all rock salts you can eat.

Michael Che: You eat rock salt?

Willie: We all eat rock salt Michael.

Michael Che: No we don’t, man. We don’t.

Willie: Are you sure?

Michael Che: How is this supposed to make me any better about the winter?

Willie: Well, sounds like somebody’s got the winter blues. [Cut to Willie] You know, whenever I get the winter blues and needs some cheering up, I like to dress up in a little doggie costume I made, and I volunteer down at the animal shelter.

Michael Che: That’s actually kind of sweet, man!

Willie: Well, it’s like they always say. “Nice try, but we’re not gonna put you down, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Come on, man!

Willie: But you know who love blizzards? My old dog Lucias. [Cut to Willie] I remember one time, me and my brother took Lucias out on the frozen pond, but then the ice broke and I had to jump in the water and save old Lucias’s life. It’s like my mother always says, “You should have saved your brother, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] Willie, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Leonardo DiCaprio

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: ‘The Revenant’ is the number one film at the Box Office. Here with her review is our own Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Woo! Ha-ha! How are you doing, baby?

Colin Jost: Hi Leslie. So, what did you think of The Revenant?

Leslie Jones: I loved it. But more importantly, I realized something while watching it. I can have Leonardo DiCaprio.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, what?

Leslie Jones: Don’t what me, you sexy ass blizzard. I just wanna plow you! That’s right. I, Leslie Jones can have Leonardo DiCaprio. Whoo! Feels good to say it. Ha-ha! [Cut to Leslie Jones] Before today, our relationship was like Inception. Leo inside Leslie inside a dream. But soon it won’t be a dream, Colin. Coz I’m gonna lock his pretty Aviator ass down for keeps.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hold on. Are you planning to kidnap him?

Leslie Jones: I’m sorry. My ears can’t hear jealousy, Jost! I know you dream about being duck-taped in my trunk. But I don’t need to kidnap DiCaprio to keep him.

Colin Jost: Okay, so what do you have that all the women who’ve dated Leo don’t?

Leslie Jones: In a word, everything. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Leo, I’m just gonna talk to you right now. [looking at the camera] Hi, Leo. I’m Leslie Jones and I’m a funny bitch. With her own place, great job, and I understand most of your movies. And I’m crazy good in bed. I even make you a ham sandwich after sex. [Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost] You ever had a ham sandwich after sex, Jost?

Colin Jost: I can’t say I have.

Leslie Jones: Yeah. I know you ain’t. All the women you and Leo date ain’t got nothing in a refrigerator but food, water and kombucha juice.

Colin Jost: Kombucha?

Leslie Jones: Kombucha.

Colin Jost: Hold on. Your secret to getting Leo is a ham sandwich?

Leslie Jones: Yeap! And I’m not talking about that cheap ass lunch meat either. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I’m talking about the ham that you put into oven with the pineapples. And while you in the bathroom washing your junk off in the sink, I’ll already be in the kitchen butt naked cutting hams singing,

Leo, do you want some mustard!
on your ham sandwich
on your ham sandwich

Not that cheap ass yellow mustard either that you gotta shake coz the other thing comes out first. I’m talking about that fancy mustard that the white people be eating in a back of their Rolls Royce.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait a–

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: See, I know what no other women knows, Leo. Leo, you need a lady that can make you laugh! Coz while anyone of them other little pretty bitches can give you an orgasm, I’m the only woman that can give you a laugh-gasm.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And can I ask what is a laugh-gasm?

Leslie Jones: Oh! Look who’s all interested now that I’m with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Colin Jost: Come on. That’s not it. You’re not with him.

Leslie Jones: Oh! Always the way. Well, if you must know, he would definitely experience something like this.

[showing the laugh-gasm reaction.]

And when I’m done with him, his lips won’t be the only thing that checked. That’s for damn sure.

Colin Jost: Okay right. So, you mean his penis.

Leslie Jones: Of course I’m talking about his penis, Colin. What you think?

Colin Jost: Alright, my bad! Leslie Jones, everyone!

Leslie Jones: That’s DiCaprio Jones baby. Call me Leo.

Colin Jost: Do not call her.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che on his news set. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton on right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new poll in New Hampshire shows that Bernie Sanders is leading Hillary Clinton 60% to 33, said at Clinton Stafford just before being force choked.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Peeps at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The makers of Peeps have launched a new online campaign to attract millennial mothers. Oh, sure, but when I try to attract millennial mothers I’m disrupting a Lamaze class.

[Picture changes to Khloe Kardashian]

Khloe Kardashian revealed that she recorded a sex tape with her now ex husband Lamar Odom, or as Kardashians call that, first base.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of snow blizzard in New York city at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alright, let’s check in again with the conditions outside with your friend who always says, “It’s not that bad.” How does it look?

[Cut to Bobby Moynihan frozen in the blizzard]

Hey, man! Are you okay? Hey, you okay man? Alright, cut the feed.

[Cut to Michael Che]

I guess it was that bad.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a calendar marked at 24th January at left top corner.

Colin Jost: Today was national compliment day. [pause] Dad.

[Picture changes to few cats and California map]

A California woman has turned her 12 acre ranch into a home for more than 1,000 cats. Reached for comment, her husband left 10 years ago.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: Good evening everyone.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of snow blizzard in New York city at right top corner.]

As a result of the massive blizzard that has hit the east coast, the officials have banned cars from the road, shut down half the subway lines and advised everyone to remain at home. The one guy ignoring these warnings, my boss. [Picture changes to Lorne Michaels] Yay!

[Picture changes to snow blizzard in New York city]

New York mayor Bill De Blasio said with winter storm Jonas expected to dump 20 inches of snow, New York city is in “Uncharted Territory.” But not everyone agrees. On location with report is your friend who always says it’s not that bad.

[Cut to Bobby Moynihan reporting in the blizzard]

How’s it going out there, man?

Bobby Moynihan: Hi everybody.

Michael Che: How is it?

Bobby Moynihan: Seriously dude, it’s not that bad.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Well, there you have it. I guess it’s not that bad.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sarah Palin and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Good to know. This week, Sarah Palin formally endorsed Donald Trump for president. Either that or she saw an open microphone and decided to say all the words she knew in random order.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

In  rally in Iowa today, Donald Trump spoke about how loyal his supporters are and this is what he said.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking at the podium]

Donald Trump: Stand in the middle of 5th avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose any voters, okay? It’s like, incredible.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I mean, what are you doing here, man! You’re bragging that your supporters love you so much, they’re okay with you just murdering for sport? You know that’s not what a president does, right? You’re not running for president of Hunger Games. I mean between that and this and Sarah Palin’s endorsement, I’m starting to think Trump is just seeing how crazy he can go. Like a velociraptor testing the fences at Jurassic Park. Coz if Trump escapes and becomes president, hold onto your butts. [Picture changes to Samuel L. Jackson from Jurassic Park.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: And is Trump seriously just now realizing that his supporters are a bunch of window licking water heads? Donald, you are talking to the craziest people in the country. You could literally take off your shoe mid speed hold it up to your hear, say you’re getting a call from Batman and they’d be quiet until you hung up your shoe.

[Picture changes to Oscar award]

The producers of this years Oscars are reportedly trying to find black presenters to counter the boycott by black actors. So the Oscars are solving racism by making black people to present white people with gold.

[Picture changes to Jada Pinkett Smith, Tyrese Gibson and Snoop Dogg]

Other black celebrities boycotting the Oscars including Jada Pinkett Smith, Tyrese Gibson and Snoop Dogg. You know, boycott is a very strong word for not attending a party you were never invited to. That’s like the Jets boycotting the Superbowl. [audience yelling ‘boo’] Okay, let’s not say boycott. Let’s just say took the hint. I’m not watching anyway. The Oscar ceremony is so long and white and boring, it may actually win an Oscar. The only part I will watch is the one black guy [Picture changes to Chris Rock] but probably like three hours after it airs and on World Star Hip Hop. And if you don’t know what that is, you probably saw [Picture changes to a cover picture of a movie ‘Brooklyn’.] Brooklyn. There’s nothing more infuriating to Spike Lee than nominating a movie called ‘Brooklyn’ starring only white people. That’s just rubbing it in.

Three’s A Crime

Bill Arnold… Beck Bennett

Paula Abbott… Aidy Bryant

Janet Johnson-Luna… Cecily Strong

Kara Torkelson… Ronda Rousey

Gaven Deli… Pete Davidson

Mrs. Deli… Kate McKinnon

Defense attorney… Taran Killam

Judge… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with HLN intro]

Male voice: You’re watching HLN, Headline News. Headline counts for two letters.

We now return to HLN’s coverage of Three’s A Crime: The Janet Johnson-Luna and Kara Torkelson Civil Trial.

[Cut to Bill and Paula]

Bill: Bill Arnold along side Paula Abbott live at the Palo Alto Courthouse where another scandal has rocked this city schools.

Paula: High school teacher [Cut to Janet and Kara sitting in the court] Janet Johnson-Luna and Kara Torkelson are accused of having an inappropriate group physical encounter with their student Mr. Deli [Cut to Gaven]who is just 16 at the time.

[Cut to Mrs. Deli]

Bill: Deli’s mother is suing the defendants for emotional trauma inflicted upon her son.

[Cut to Bill and Paula]

Paula: Testimonies continues as Gaven Deli will be question by the defense.

[Cut to the courtroom]

Defense attorney: Now, Mr. Deli, can you point out your former teachers to the court?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Uh, yes. They’re right there, giving me butterflies.

[Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]

Kara: Oh, my god.

Janet: So cheesy.

[Cut to Mrs. Deli]

Mrs. Deli: [yelling] Monsters!

[Cut to Judge]

Judge: Ay, wait! Mrs. Deli, please try and control yourself. Continue counsel.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Mr. Deli, do you recall the events of October 3rd, twothousandforteen? The day of the encounter?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, very clearly. I replay it like a movie in my head every single day.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Now your honor, I would like to present exhibit 7-A, a text conversation taken from Mr. Deli’s phone. [The TV is showing a text message from Ms. Luna] The defendant Ms. Luna texts, “I’m with Ms. Torkelson! Come over for some private tutoring”, winking emoji face. Can you describe your response Mr. Deli?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Uh, yes. Um, I responded with a GIF of a cartoon bird exiting frame so fast that his feathers fly off to imply that I was happy and on my way as quickly as possible.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Yes, you certainly were to illustrate Mr. Deli’s attitude. I’d like to show traffic camera footage of Mr. Deli’s car the moment he received Ms. Luna’s text.

[Cut to a video clip of a car recklessly driving.]

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Was that you driving Mr. Deli?

[Cut to Gaven and Judge]

Gaven: Yes, that was the second coolest thing I did that day.

Judge: [looking proud] Second coolest, I see what you did there.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Gaven: And what happened when you arrived at Ms. Luna’s house.

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, I ran to the front door saying, “Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!”

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: I see. And when did things turn sexual between the three of you?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: After I walked in, I went to the bathroom. I looked at myself at the mirror and I said, “Your live begins today.” And then I came out and we got down.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: And how long would you say the encounter lasted?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, about five hours.

[Cut to Judge looking shocked]

Judge: Oh, I remember those days.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Mr. Deli, what happened when you left Ms. Luna’s house?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: I walked to the car with my arms out, kind of like, spinning in circles like a Disney princess. Like, mid song.

[Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]

Janet: Oh, my god!
Kara: So corny.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: And in the days following, how did your classmates learn about what had happened?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, I believe from me telling the story to anyone who would listen.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: And were you ostracized in school because of this?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, no. I felt more like Forest Gump when he was running across America and people started following him because he represents hope.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Yet your mother claims your peers called you names.

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Oh, yes sir. Kids called me “The chosen one”, “King of everything”, “The Revenant”, “Three’s humpany”, “Diary of a pimpy kid”, “Velociraptor”, and “My man” but like Denzel Washington says it.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Um, I’m sorry. “My man” the way Denzel Washington–

[Cut to Judge and Gaven]

Judge: Wait, wait. Let the record show the witness means, [saying it the proud way] “My man!”

[Judge claps and shakes hands with Gaven]

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Yes. And did this affect your relationship with your family at all?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Oh, yes sir. My grandpa and dad were estranged. This event brought them back together.

[Cut to Gaven’s dad and grandpa sitting in the court looking proud of him.]

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: To illustrate Mr. Deli’s mental state in the days following here is a vine he posted the morning after the encounter.

[Cut to Gaven’s vine video. He is dancing willy and happily.]

[Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]

Janet: I can’t with this kid.

Kara: What a dork.

[Cut to Judge and Gaven]

Judge: Alright, you know what? We’ll take a short recess and then we’ll resume testimony from My Man!

[Gaven and Judge high fives]

[Cut to Bill and Paula]

Paula: Wow, absolutely riveting testimony.

Bill: I know, that kid rules. At 16, I was still all about playing with legos. More after this.

[Cut to HLN outro]

[The End]

Super Crew

Vanessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Metalia… Ronda Rousey

Gazina… Cecily Strong

Solar… Jay Pharoah

Aviana… Leslie Jones

Noodle Man… Pete Davidson

Mr. Leathers… Taran Killam

The Beast… Kenan Thompson

Queen of Quata… Aidy Bryant

Koos-koos… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with giant robots destroying the city in Metro City – 2016.]

Vanessa: Maniac has unleashed his cyber beasts all over the city! We’re doomed.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle looking from the roof]

What are we going to do?

Kyle: It looks like the end.

[Hero entrance music playing]

Vanessa: Look, what’s that?

Kyle: I think help has arrived.

[Cut to the Super Crew. They all have their super hero costume on.]

Super Crew: Fear not friends, the super crew is here to save the day.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Thank god. The city is in trouble. Can you help?

[Cut to Metalia]

Metalia: Of course we can. I am Metalia. I can bend metal with my mind.

[Metalia pulls out a metal pipe and bends it using her power.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: That’s gonna work great against these metal menaces. Go get em’!

[Cut to Super Crew]

Gazina: Hang on, coz you know there’s more here than just her and it’s really only fair for each to get an intro, okay?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Oh, okay. I’m sorry. Go ahead.

[Cut to Solar]

Solar: I’m Solar! I can harness the power of the sun to melt any material.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Great! You can melt the robots right now.

[Cut to the Super Crew]

Gazina: Yeah, and I think he probably will do that after we meet everyone.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

[Cut to Aviana]

Aviana: I am Aviana. I’m gifted with the power of flight.

Kyle: Awesome.

Aviana: But only as fast as you can walk and only for 2016 seconds at a time.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: That’s great.

[Cut to Aviana]

Aviana: I can do it twice a day.

[Noodle Man walks in]

Noodle Man: I’m Noodle Man. I can create a mountain of noodles to smother any fall. It’s noodle time.

[Noodle Man starts dancing]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: I think honestly we could get the job done with just the heat man and metal lady.

[Gazina walks in]

Gazina: Okay, can I talk to you for just a second? We don’t know each other very well but the more you interrupt this, the longer this is gonna take.

Vanessa: Okay. Um, how many are there total?

[Cut to Metalia]

Metalia: Like, between six and 30.

[Cut to Mr. Leathers]

Mr. Leathers: I’m Mr. Leathers. At any moment I can be wearing leather. Oh, I have it on now.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Okay, I don’t see how that helps.

[blasting sound]

Kyle: Oh no! I think they attacked the orphanage.

[Cut to everybody. Aviana is flying.]

Aviana: Look, I’m flying.

Vanessa: Well, don’t waste it. Now you can only use it once more.

Aviana: No, this was the second time.

Kyle: Then what else can you do today?

Aviana: I’m not sure.

[The Beast walks in]

The Beast: I’m The Beast. [roars]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Now we’re talking.

The Beast: Yes! Because [Cut to The Beast] I’m obsessed with Beauty and the Beast.

[singing] a tale as old as time

[Queen of Quata walks in]

Queen of Quata: Hah! I’m Queen of Quata! I command the seas. But the question is will they obey? An the short answer is no.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Okay, so you can’t do anything?

[Cut to Queen of Quata]

Queen of Quata: I just love the beach. And I can eat sand and so far it hasn’t hurt me.

[Gazina walks in]

Gazina: I am Gazina. I have gay-dar but only for black men. Alert! One here is.

[Cut to The Beast and Solar]

Solar: I am? Oh!

[Koos-koos walks in]

Koos-koos: I don’t really have to go coz I’m very similar to Mr. Noodles, but my name is Koos-koos if that helps.

[Fire-butt walks in]

Fire-butt: And I’m Fire-butt.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Great! We think all of you are great.

Kyle: So now you can probably save the city, right?

[Cut to Metalia]

Metalia: I’m on it.

[Metalia using power sound]

[The robots are melt down.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Metalia saved the day!

[Cut to Gazina]

Gazina: I’m sorry. Who saved the day?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Okay. We mean the Super Crew all together equally saved the day as a unit.

[Cut to Super Crew]

Super Crew: Yes!

[The End]

Screen Guild Awards

Cecily Strong

Brad Dunn… Taran Killam

Ronda Rousey

Jay Pharoah

Drew Mackenzie… Pete Davidson

Kenan Thompson

Barry Peele… Beck Bennett

Alan Smickel… Bobby Moynihan

Jacob Schultz… Jon Rudnitsky

Leslie Jones

Male voice: We now return to the Screen Guild Awards.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: And now, the award for the best actor. There were so many great performances this year. It’s a shame we couldn’t nominate more. But I think we can all agree these were the best of the best. For ‘Punching Upward’ [Cut to Brad] as a boxing coach who wouldn’t give up on his pupil, Brad Dunn.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Punching Upward’]

Brad: So that’s it, huh? You’re just gonna quit?

Jay: Man, I don’t know why I’m doing this anyway. I’ll never beat Ruiz.

Brad: Ay! Screw Ruiz. You know who you gotta beat? Him! [showing the mirror] That guy right there. That’s the toughest opponent you’ll ever face in the world.

[Cut to Brad and Drew]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: For ‘Shut Em Down’, a rockest look at rough and tumble 80s rap group Public Disaster, [Cut to Drew] in the role of Little Q, Drew Mackenzie.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Shut Em Down’]

Kenan: Man, they’ve been tryna’ shut us down from day one. Speak a little truth, and they tryna’ to take you out. But if anybody wants to leave, there’s the door. So who’s staying?

[Drew walks in]

Drew: Yeah, guys! Who’s staying? I know I am.

[Cut to Drew waving at the camera. Kenan is behind him looking angry.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: For ‘Thurgood’, the story of the first black supreme court justice Thurgood Marshall, [Cut to Barry] playing the role of Dave, Barry Peele.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Thurgood’.]

Sasheer: I can’t wait forever Marshall. Do you love me? Or your books?

Marshall: Viv, if I’m gonna make it as a lawyer, I got to work 10 times as hard as these white folks. It’s the only way it’s gonna work.

[Barry walks in]

Barry: Hey guys, we close in five minutes.

Marshall: Thanks Dave.

[Barry walks away]

[Cut to Barry waving at the camera. The actor who played Marshall is behind him looking angry.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: For ‘All the Beasts of Heaven’, the story of African child soldiers and the ruthless warlord who led them, [Cut to Alan] for his role of white man with camera, Alan Smickel.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘All the Beasts of Heaven’.]

Jay: You will eat when I say. You will sleep when I say. You will kill when I say.

[Alan walks in with a camera in. Jay cannot see him so Alan just turns around and walks away.]

When we fight, we will eat the beating hearts.

[Cut to Alan smiling and looking at the camera. Jay is sitting beside him looking funnily. Alan gives him hand for a high-five but Jay ignores him.]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Finally, for ‘Red Line’, the story of discriminatory housing practices between African Americans in Chicago, [Cut to Jacob] for his role as unseen voice on phone, Jacob Schultz.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Red Line’.]

Leslie: [on the phone][sobbing] You white people think you can take anything you want. Well, this is my house and it’s not right.

Jacob: Okay. I’ll give him the message.

[Cut to Jacob smiling at the camera.]

[Cut to Leslie looking angry]

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: And the best actor is…[Cecily opens the card] Oh! Oh my god, I knew it. It’s five way tie. All the white guys!

[All the white guys walk to the stage happily]

Alan: Whoo! We did it!

[The End]

Ronda Rousey Monologue

Ronda Rousey

Chad… Beck Bennett

Marc… Taran Killam

Coach… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

Selena Gomez

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ronda Rousey.

[Ronda Rousey walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Ronda Rousey: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. And thank you for coming out even though there’s two feet of snow on the ground. They’ve closed Broadway. They’ve closed movie theatres. Even closed all the bars. Such a night, we’re literally the only show in town. I’m so excited to be here because its the first time I’ll be live on television without getting punched in the face. It’s also the first time I’m talking to my fans since I lost to Holly Holm in November which by the way was a fight Holly deserved to win. And I just want to take a minute to sincerely congratulate her. [a short applause by audience] That’s enough! All those who are worried that I’m not ready to host this show because I’ve been brain damaged, relax! I’m good. Besides, everything I need is on cue cards.

[Cut to cue card. The cue card says “Your name is Ronda Rousey.”]

But in all seriousness, I’m fine and tonight I’m ready to crush it.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks to the corner.]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Chad: And that’s the end of the first round of monologue.

Marc: Ronda Rousey is off to a great start, don’t you think Chad?

Chad: I do, Marc. She’s warm yet funny. I like her chances tonight.

Marc: I mean, look at the funk as she prepares for next round.

[Cut to Ronda Rousey and Coach. Coach his her coach.]

Coach: Okay Ronda Baby. The crowd is with you. Now it’s time to really get them to make some noise.

Ronda Rousey: How am I supposed to do that, coach?

Coach: Well, you got to throw out some applause line. You know, stuff that they really cheer for.

Ronda Rousey: Isn’t that kind of cheap?

Coach: Do you wanna win this monologue or not? Now get your butt out there.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

Ronda Rousey: Sorry buddy. How does it feel to be in New York city?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Coach nodding his head proudly.]

[Cut to Ronda Rousey]

And how about this, who here likes cake?

[audience whooping]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Marc: Oh! What a move going with cake.

Chad: Everybody loves cake Marc and Ronda knows that

Marc: Oh, looks like she’s getting ready for another joke.

[Cut to Ronda Rousey]

Ronda Rousey: So, what’s up with this wonder-storm, huh?

Chad: There’s the set up.

Ronda Rousey: I haven’t seen this many flakes since I joined tinder.

[Cut to Kyle in the audience looking sad]

Marc: Oh no. And a rare misstep for Ronda. Clearly some of our audience used Tinder.

Chad: That one took a lot out of her.

[Cut to Coach comforting Ronda Rousey]

Ronda Rousey: I don’t know. I don’t know if I can keep going coach. I’m so tired.

Coach: Well, you sleep there in Update. But right now, it’s time for a sure thing. Why don’t you hit them with a little bit of Kate McKinnon as Justin Bieber?

Ronda Rousey: But Justin Bieber isn’t even the news right now.

Coach: Don’t nobody care about that. Now go.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

[Kate McKinnon as Justin Bieber walks in]

Justin Bieber: Hey girl, you’re not the only one who’s got quick moves. Watch me.

[Justin Bieber is jumping around]

Try and pop me. I bet you can’t pop me.

[Ronda Rousey slaps Justin Bieber]

Ow! She hit me. And now I got a boo-boo girl.

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Chad: Wow, and Ronda’s back with an assist by Bieber.

Marc: You know Chad, she’s gonna be asking by self will she join the ranks of all time champions Steve Martin?

Chad: It all depends on this final round.

[UFC bell rings and Ronda Rousey walks back to the monologue stage]

What’s this? Can it be a song?

[music stars playing. SNL cast members join Ronda Rousey as back up dancers.]

Marc: Oh! Look at this. The cast is joining her in.

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Oh my god! They’ve even given the audience cake.

[Cut to Kyle eating cake and laughing at the audience.]

[Cut to Chad and Marc]

Unbelievable. I didn’t know that Ronda could sing, Chad!

[Cut to the stage]

Ronda Rousey: I can’t. Ladies and gentlemen, Selena Gomez.

[Selena Gomez walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Chad: Oh my god! What a move. And Ronda Rousey has won the monologue.

[UFC bell rings]

Selena Gomez: [singing] When you’re ready come and get it.

All: Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Selena Gomez: [singing] When you’re ready come and get it.

All:Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Ronda Rousey: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Selena Gomez is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.