Urkel Reboot

[Starts with video clips from the trailer]

Male voice: This week Peacocke dropped the trailer for Bel Air. Executive producer Will Smith’s modern dramatic reimagining of the Fresh Prince story.

Smith: This time we’re trying to make you forget where you came from.

Male voice: Now, we’re proud to debut the trailer for the next 90’s show about the black experience to be given a serious high stakes remake.

Urkel: Chicago. People from outside call it Chiraqu. But I call it home. Around here, ain’t no good news in the newspapers page. Only advantage I got, my mind. That don’t count for much nice streets. Because out here, you gotta make your own name.

Male voice: From executive Producers Jaleel White and  Kevin Fenley, writer of The Family Matters episode, “Urkel accidently switches bodies with the president.”

Kyle: Ooh! Ay! Look at Tina, she thick.

Urkel: There’s only one girl for me, y’all. Who Laura Winslow? That bougie neighbor girl?

Male voice: The Goofy characters you loved in the 90s with absolutely none of the fun or charm.

[Urkel is on Laura’s door]

Urkel: Flowers my pet.

Laura: Steve, it ain’t like that between us. I’m not your pet.

Urkel: I love you.

[Laura’s dad interrupts]

Laura’s Dad: What are you? Deaf, Steve? She ain’t interested. Now, get the hell out of here.

Laura: You hard on that boy dad. No life ain’t been easy for him. Father’s gone. Mothers are drunk.

Urkel’s mom: When are you gonna stop working on that stupid robot and make some money for the family?

Urkel: What family?

Urkel’s mom: I raised a damn nerd.

Male voice: A young genius alone in the world.

[Urkel seeks Laura in the bed with Andrew. He destroys the robot he’s making.]

Urkel: [at Andrew’s door] You don’t love her!

Andrew: No. But I love how she makes it clap. [Urkel punches Andrew] Oh, you broke my nose.

Urkel: Did I do that? [Urkel starts beating up Andrew] Did I do that? [Urkel pulls up a gun] What if I shot you in the face? Should I do that?

[Laura’s dad comes. He’s a police]

Laura’s dad: Drop the gun, Steve.

Male voice: RollingStone writes “Family matters is the number one worst choice for a sitcom to modernize like this one.” Entertainment Weekly adds this gift of Kevin Hart. Looking horrified.

Laura’s dad: You pull a gun out on kid, Steve. Steve Urkel I know is way too smart for that hood nonsense.

Urkel: Y’all don’t know what it’s like down here.

Laura’s dad: Son, I’ve been a Chicago cop for 20 years.

[Cut to Laura’s dad interrogating Mikey]

Laura’s dad: Where’s the girl?

Mikey: Go to hell, pig.

Laura’s dad: Pig? [he hurts mikey] Oink, oink, bitch!

[Cut back to Laura’s dad with Urkel]

Laura’s dad: If you continue down this path, you’re gonna wind up dead or locked up by your 18th birthday.

Urkel: Ain’t nobody gonna care if I’m gone. I ain’t got a family.

Laura’s dad: You’re wrong, Steve. The Winslow’s are your family. And family [bleep] matters.

Male voice: Urkel, streaming this spring on Peacock.

Sappho

Mikey Day

Joanne Drunk…Kate McKinnon

Reena Merlyn…Ariana DeBose

[Starts with Mikey speaking on a podium]

Mikey: Welcome, everyone. On behalf of the classic studies department here at Cornell, thank you for joining us at this highly anticipated sold out free lecture. And thank you again for the grant from our corporate sponsor Fage yogurt. Fage, Be careful when you say it. Our guest lecturers today are here to enlighten us about Sappho ,ancient Greek poetess from the Isle of Lesbos. Welcome Joanne Druk and Reena Merlyn.

[Joanne and Reena walk in]

Joanne: Until now, Sappho’s poems about lesbian love have survived only in incomplete yet tantalizing fragments,

Reena: For example, “Lavender fields, weeping she left me.”

Joanne: Or my personal favorite, “I have of girls.”

Reena: But now, thanks to a recent unearthing of a buried scroll room on the Isle of Lesbos…

Joanne: Caused by the tragic crash of a rogue Rosie O’Donnell family cruise all survivors…

Reena: We now have Sappho’s complete poems, which capture the timeless beauty of love between women.

Mikey: Oh, hazhar. Any lover of ancient Greek literature is as hard as a statue of Adonis right now. Give us the translations, please.

Joanne: Will do. We begin.

“Wind in mountains.
Eyes of goldenrod.
We broke up, Helena.
Please get your sandals out of here.”

Reena: And now…

“Golden raisins.
River banks.
Nancy, we just met
You’re scary and a bitch.
Move in with me.”

Joanne: And then there’s this of course.

“Olive juice drips.
Sun touched.
We cannot get another dog.
We are maxed out on dogs.
That being said, I found a pregnant feral cat behind the grocery store. Pleeease?”

Mikey: Wow. Her work is timeless. Does anyone have any questions?

Chris: It feels like maybe your personal lives are influencing the translation.

Joanne: No. No. I don’t know anyone named Nancy.

Reena: No. Me either. Not anymore. Let’s continue.

Joanne: Thank you.

“You satisfy our passion.
The Aegean beckons.
Why don’t gay guys invite us to their events?
Are we not fun?
Don’t answer that.”

Reena: “Woven garlands.
Greek tree.
Nancy, you moved in three weeks ago.
It has been hell.
Marry me.”

Joanne: And we found this one the most stirring of all.

“I don’t care if Helen of Generes was mean.
She did a lot.
You think James of Corden is a walk in the park?”

Chris: I’m sorry, has this been peer, reviewed or published?

Joanne: Uh, yes, we were married.

Chris: That’s not what I asked.

Reena: Well, now, the cave not only contained poems, but also artifacts which help us recreate Sapphos life.

Joanne: An ancient drinking vessel.

Reena: A toga with suspenders.

Joanne: And here’s a vase with the face of some kind of ancient Greek goddess, we think of hotness.

Chloe: That is Gillian Anderson from the X Files and I think you’ve made that.

Joanne: What? What? What do you want me to do? You want me to prove I can speak ancient Greek? Fine. Gog Kakaako. Go omega omega. Maria Menounos. Sakala Karna keys Omicron Omicron. And so on.

Mikey: I’m sorry to say, that was not ancient Greek at all. Folks, these translations may not be legitimate. So show me a fragment. I’ll translate it myself.

Joanne: All right.

Mikey: “I went to the doctor,
I went to the mountainous,
I looked to the children,
I drank from the–”

You know what? They were right.

New Governess

Maria… Kate McKinnon

Ariana DeBose

Sarah Sherman

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a clip of mountains in Austria, 1938] [Cut to Maria giving instructions to the children in home]

Maria: Now children, as you know, I recently moved in with your neighbors, the Von Traps, and I instantly made all of their children perfect. And your father says you’re in need of the same thing.

Sarah: Oh, Maria, you’re going to be our teacher too?

Maria: Well, no. Not quite. See, between concerts and puppet shows and fleeing the Nazis, I’m already stretched quite thin.

Bowen: But then who’s going to be our new governess?

Maria: I’m delighted to say I found someone perfect. She’s quirky and fun. And just like me, she just got kicked out of a nunnery for erratic behavior. Flous Menken.

[Flous Menken comes in dancing and singing]

Flous Menken: [singing] The hills are alive

Andrew: Oh, wow, Maria. She loves the outdoors. Just like you.

Flous Menken: Oh, no. I’m saying the hills are alive and do not go out there.

Maria: Okay, she’s not exactly like me.

Flous Menken: Well, now, children. If Maria has taught me anything in the car ride over here, it’s that you can solve all of the family’s emotional problems just by singing.

Chris: Singing. What’s that?

Flous Menken: Oh, it’s easy. I’ll teach you, with Maria’s permission. Of course.

Maria: Yes. Pretend that I’m not even here. You can be great.

[music playing]

Flous Menken: [singing] Let’s start at the very start of the song
It’d be crazy to start in the middle
When you read you begin with do-re-mi
and singing is exactly the same

How am I doing Maria?

Maria: Good. You’re doing great.

Andrew: But we still don’t know how just sing.

Flous Menken: Hmm. Well, how can I make this simpler? Ah, yes. Like this.

[singing] Do- a thing that Homer Simpson says
Re- A movie with Jamie Fox
Me- like Me, Myself and Diary
Fa- like fought without a T

Maria: Okay. Just stick to the–

Flous Menken: So- an album by Peter Gabriel
La- what people call Los Angeles

Ti- the shape of an IUD

Maria: They’re children!

Flous Menken: And when Homer gets mad he says “Do!”

Alright children. I think it’s your turn.

Andrew: This might surprise you but we didn’t catch all that.

Flous Menken: Don’t think. Just sing.

Bowen: Alright, I’ll try.

Do- the last name of a body found in a river

Sarah: Re- Romano everybody loves here

Andrew: Me- A kid who pees in the sink

Chris: Fa- like the end of queen Latifah

Flous Menken: So- how children make our sneakers
La- the start of Queen Latifah
Ti- like the middle of Queen Latifah

All: And when Homer gets mad he says Do-oh-oh-do!

[Sarah is holding a picture of Homer Simpson]

Maria: Where did you get that?

Flous Menken: Oh, I stole it from the Vatican. Please don’t tell anyone.

Maria: Okay. Listen. I really, I must object to some of your lyrics. You’ve used Queen Latifah three times.

Flous Menken: Well, what did you say for La?

Maria: I said “La- the note that follows So”

Chris: Damn, that’s so lazy.

Sarah: Yeah. Queen Latifa is way better than that.

Greta: Flous Menken, can I try?

[everyone is shocked]

Andrew: Greta spoke!

Bowen: Yes! For the first time since witnessing mother’s gruesome death.

Flous Menken: Now, that’s the power of song. Sing Greta. Oh, seeing you beautiful angel.

Greta: Do- a deer, a female deer 

Flous Menken: Okay, stop, stop, stop, sweetie darling. I really hate to correct you. I know this is a big moment for you. But a female deer is not called to a Do. It’s called a lady deer.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: What is all of this noise? Singing in my house?

Sarah: Oh, papa, don’t be mad.

Kenan: Mad? quite the opposite. As a young man, I was considered something of a sham– And I would take my inspiration from the most beautiful thing in the world. Fast food.

[singing] Curly fries, waffle fries
every Tuesday at RVs
Jalapeño bites, taste so nice
grease on the crotch of my khakis

Sing with me, children.

All: Gravy fries, crispy fries
every Tuesday at RVs

NBA on TNT

Ernie Johnson…Alex Moffat

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Kenny Smith… Chris Redd

Yao Ming… Bowen Yang

Hannah Dolton… Heidi Gardner

Riley Beckwith… Mikey Day

Alicia Miller… Ariana DeBose

Patrick Bemis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with NBA TNT intro] [cut to Ernie Johnson, Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith in their set]

Ernie Johnson: Welcome back to NBA on TNT halftime. Nets and Kings Ernie Johnson joined by my pals Charles Barkley and K Smith. Shaq is unfortunately out sick.

Charles Barkley: Yeah, he said he got some the cold Shaq flu. But let’s call it what it is. The man has COVID.

Ernie Johnson: Hey, Charles, you don’t know that for sure. Filling in for Shaq is another big man. Yao Ming.

Yao Ming: Yes, you’re always here. Hello?

Charles Barkley: Yao, you are enormous, man. Before the show, I watched his man eat an entire pumpkin. Stemming on.

Yao Ming: It’s just a snack for Yao.

Ernie Johnson: Well, speaking of COVID, before the game the Kings entire team tested positive along with most of their coaching staff and trainers. And they were forced to find replacements very quick. But they did, and that the half, it’s Nets lead the Kings to 68-1. Charles, why can’t Sacramento get anything going tonight?

Charles Barkley: Well, in my opinion, the biggest thing to me is that the Kings don’t have any NBA players on their team. Whereas the Nets do.

Kenny Smith: Yeah, I wrote down the same thing. And you can see how the Kings’ lack of NBA players is reflected in the score.

Ernie Johnson: Yeah, the Kings players tonight are all fans or arena support staff. Any thoughts? Any thoughts? Yao?

Yao Ming: They’re tiny people. Too small.

Ernie Johnson: Well said, Yao. Let’s look at a matchup here. At forward, we have James Harden for the nets and equipment manager Duggie McCormick for the Kings.

Charles Barkley: Okay, look at those numbers. McCormick’s just getting outplayed out there. And the two asthma attacks didn’t help.

Ernie Johnson: That’s been the case for many Kings players tonight. Hannah Dolton is court side with one of them now. Hannah.

Hannah Dolton: I’m here with Riley Beckwith. [Riley Beckwith is all bruised and bleeding] What position did you play tonight?

Riley Beckwith: Oh, left side.

Hannah Dolton: Not the best first half for the Kings. And what was it like out on the court?

Riley Beckwith: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Kind of winded. Working hard out there. You’re tall. How tall are you?

Hannah Dolton: 5’7”

Riley Beckwith: Okay. Tall. Yeah, look, I mean, Brooklyn came to play tonight. I was confident going in, because I played pickup B-ball at my gym with a bunch of white guys my size. But being out there against the Nets, I realized that basketball is an impossible sport played by giants and gods.

Hannah Dolton: Well, good luck in the second half.

Riley Beckwith: Oh, thank you so much. I won’t be here. I’m scared. So, I’m going home. Thank you so much.

Ernie Johnson: Well, not every Kings player has been shut out. Alicia Miller managed to put one on the board for Sacramento. She joins us now. Oh, Alicia. I understand you came to the game with some friends and then you were asked to play.

Alicia Miller: Yeah. Now, this is like the craziest girls night ever.

Ernie Johnson: And you made a free throw.

Alicia Miller: I did. It was underhand too.

Ernie Johnson: Cool. Now, you’re also called for traveling 39 times.

Alicia Miller: I know. I keep forgetting to bounce the ball.

Ernie Johnson: Yeah, well then you got ejected for taking a selfie with Blake Griffin during the game.

Alicia Miller: Okay. But I had to. I didn’t know if I would see him again. You know you gotta like, shoot your shot.

Ernie Johnson: Well, speaking of shooting shots, you guys are an astounding 0-3 from the field with 184 block shots.

Alicia Miller: I don’t really know what that means. But you know go SACs.

Ernie Johnson: well, thank you Alicia.

Kenny Smith: Couple of NBA records tonight. Most points scored by a player in the first half, Kevin Durant with 178. And most players crying on the court at once, six kings players were crying at the same time.

Charles Barkley: Hold on. I’m sorry. But I just got a glimpse of Yao’s hands. It is huge, man. Put it up to mine. Let me see. Look at it. Man is like the iron giant. No! No! Not on my face, man. Get out of here.

Ernie Johnson: Well, let’s go right to the source of the Kings issues tonight. Temporary coach Patrick Bemis joins us live. Now, you coach at little dunkers day camp.

Patrick Bemis: That’s correct. I coach my son’s team. He was actually drafted too. He’s been guarding Kyrie Irving.

Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah. I think we got a picture of that.

[cut to a picture. His son is just a kid who’s under seven years old.]

Patrick Bemis: Yeah. He actually got kind of hurt there. We kind of hope we both get COVID so we can leave.

Ernie Johnson: Sounds about right. Thank you Coach. Kenny, how can Shaq town pull off a win tonight?

Kenny Smith: No, I’d say if Kings player has some sort of Space Jam like Mike magical shoes situation, they might be able to salvage a win. Charles?

Charles Barkley: Well, my prediction is I’m out of Ernie Johnson00 grand because I bet on these clowns to win. Why do I do this to myself?

Ernie Johnson: I don’t know. All right. Well, we got to take a break. Yao, you want to throw us to commercial bud?

Yao Ming: Goodbye.

Charles Barkley: Yao, I love you, man. You know what? Come on. Let’s get this man another pumpkin. We’ll be right back.

Kitchen Staff

Jana… Ariana DeBose

Grady… James Austin Johnson

Miss Samua… Heidi Garner

Chef… Andrew Dismukes

Floyd… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Jana and Grady working in the kitchen of a restaurant]

Jana: Man, I cannot believe I’m working on double the night. Ain’t no one in Texarkana spending a New Year’s Eve at Longhorn steakhouse

Grady: I know it sucks. But at the end of the day, it’s gonna be working.

[Miss Samua walks in]

Miss Samua: Dana, Grady, what y’all doing back here ler?

Jana: We’re just prepping the salads, Miss Samua.

Miss Samua: Why y’all preppin Salads when I found two empty A-Janas in the dining room ler? This is Longhorn steakhouse. People expect to be dazzled ler.

[Miss Samua walks out]

Jana: I can’t stand Miss Samua. You ever notice how she says ‘ler’ after everything? Like, what the hell is ler?

Grady: I don’t know. But end of day, she is the boss.

[Chef walks in]

Chef: You’re talking about ler?

Grady: Oh yeah.

Jana: You know, I don’t know what you talking about, Rene.

Chef: Oh, nah, nah. I heard you talking about how Miss Samua always says ler. I ain’t never heard ler in my life.

Grady: Guys, guys, guys, come on now. I just want to get through the shift so I can get up early. And take my girls kids to the trampoline place tomorrow end of the.

[Miss Samua walks in]

Miss Samua: Rene, where is your apron? It is New Year’s Eve. My ass is on the line ler.

Chef: Ay, Miss Samua. What ler?

Miss Samua: Excuse me?

Chef: Ler. What is ler?

Miss Samua: Rene, I can never understand you. Now, get back ler. To work, ler. Or ya’ll be in big trouble, Jana.

Jana: Hmm! Why she got to single me out? Huh? I can just– Oh! No!

Grady: Chill Jana, chill. You know she ain’t worth it end of the day. End of the day, you can’t let her get to you cause end of the day, that’s what she wants end of the day.

Chef: End of the day, Miss Samua, she was on me by some bow. I just had to walk away end of day.

[Floyd walks in]

Floyd: Y’all talking about ler? Ha-ha-ha. Last week she got on me about how I wasn’t sweeping the parking lot end of the night. End of night, I don’t sweep the parking lot. She said, “Yes, you do.” Like end of day, I don’t know what I’m going to do end of night. End of day but it’s end of night. I know what that do at the end of the day. End of day, I do what I do end of night.

Jana: Floyd, I couldn’t have said it any better end of day. Umm-umm.

[Miss Samua walks in]

Miss Samua: Oh, Jana. I have had my limit with you. If you don’t get to working, you will be done at the Texarkana Longhorn Steakhouse in Texas, I will have you transferred to the Texarkana Longhorn Steakhouse in Arkansas ler.

Jana: Okay. Miss Samua, you done done it now. You and me. Let’s go.

Miss Samua: Oh yeah? I’ll kick your ass.

Chef: Hey! Everybody got their own going on going on. Grady gotta go trampoline place tomorrow. Floyd got to sweep end of night. And Miss Samua say ler. End of day, I ain’t the reddest Mudbug. But we are family. Like my mama say, to people don’t be dead don’t don’t want to be dead dead don’t be dead dead when de way. Peace.

Miss Samua: Jana, I know I ride you hard. But it’s just because I see so much of myself in you lar.

Jana: End of day, Miss Samua, I hate you. Coz I lur you.

Eric Adams Press Conference

Emily Hernandez…Ariana DeBose

Eric Adams… Chris Redd

[Starts with Emily Hernandez speaking on a podium]

Emily Hernandez: Good morning, everyone. I’d like to welcome everyone to City Hall. As you know, it’s been a tough few years for New York but we have a new mayor now. And he hungry. But I will warn you the mayor does not like chaos. If y’all act up, I will come for you, okay? Now please clap for your new mayor, the friskiest uncle at your barbecue, ladies and gentlemen, Eric Adams.

[Eric Adams walks in]

Eric Adams: Okay. Yeah, I see you New York. Oh, smile everybody. It’s New York. It’s January, baby. [Emily Hernandez and Eric Adams dancing] Ay! Ain’t no contact but she knows I’m there. You know what I’m saying?

Emily Hernandez: Knock yourself, sir.

Eric Adams: I’ll watch you, girl. Go ahead and cut that track. What’s up, New York? It’s your homeboy, your hometown hero, Eric Adams. You feel that? New York is back baby. The city’s never had a mayor with so much swag before. I mean, y’all see me outside. The pea coat, the scarf, the shine of baldy. You can tell I have swagger. It keeps me healthy. See? The city’s been suffering for what I like to call a swagless existence. Y’all had no swag. That’s why you get sick. No offense. Let’s just be real. I haven’t been sick in over 60 years. I’m muscular. I’m vegan. And I get that dang thing every day before breakfast. You can start the day without finishing first, you understand me? I’m just playing, unless you like that. Okay, now let’s get to some questions so we can fix this city. Bishop from New York. Let’s go.

[Cut to press raising their hands to ask questions]

Ah! Ah! Ah! No, I do not do chaos in my city. Okay. I told you all that I was a police officer for over 70 years. If I get startled, I start beating people’s asses. I don’t want to do that.

Emily Hernandez: And excuse me. But this man, he is not Bill DeBlasio.

Eric Adams: No, I ain’t that weak ass.

Emily Hernandez: Now, he will kick your ass.

Eric Adams: Okay, now she’s joking, but she’s from the Bronx. So, is she? Okay, questions. Let’s start with the squirrel up front. Go ahead, squirrel.

Mikey: Me? Okay. Mr. Mayor, you said you intend to keep schools open despite skyrocketing COVID numbers and outcry from teachers? Does that still make sense?

Eric Adams: Thank you, nut nut. Little squirrel man asked a really good question. Yes, kids need to stay in school. Learn about life. There are too many swagless parents out there giving their kids no swag at home and as a mayor that is so saucy, just dripping in swag goo, it hurts my heart. It’s dangerous to have your kids out there with no swag. Let me tell you a story about a boy I went to school with, little Timmy now. The boy had no swag. Dumbass shoes, dumbass shirt, dumbass pants. One day little Timmy walks his dusty ass up to the finest girl in school. Tiffany DoBarton. Whoo! she was fine, you know. Now, little Timmy look to her right in the eye and boom, drop dead, right there, the lack of swagger stop the boy hard. It was so sad. You know what Shakespeare says? “If doth lack of the swagger, woth for art thou, heart shall beat no more” or something like that. Bitch, I’m from New York. Does that answer your question?

Mikey: Not really. No.

Eric Adams: Good. Next question.

Mikey: Oh wait, Mr. Mayor.

Emily Hernandez: No, no, no, no. Excuse me. Let me ask you one more question. No, no, no, no, no. That’s how y’all sound? This ain’t the C train. Okay? We have here. Proceed.

Eric Adams: Alright, then. Miss lady, go ahead.

Heidi: Mr. Mayor, last week you said low skill workers don’t have the skills to sit in an office. Do you really believe that?

Eric Adams: I’m glad you brought that back up, Princess Peach. And congrats on escaping that castle. Look, that quote was taken out of context, obviously. Let me clarify. But unskilled workers, I mean folks with trash jobs, I mean, trash lives– Wait, no. What I mean is if you were better at life, you would have a desk. No. I’m sorry. Y’all miss hearing me and it’s making me misquote myself. Listen, we in a society, okay? And there are kings and there are queens, and then everybody else below that. The dirty people. Is that better for you? Hey, I don’t like the way you making me feel right now? Man, I was a cop for 97 years. You understand me? Show me some respect. Next question. Weird Eminem.

Bowen: Mr. Mayor, what qualifications does your brother have to be head of your security detail? Isn’t that nepotism?

Eric Adams: Thank you, cyka cyka Slim Shady. Now, y’all keep asking me about my brother like y’all could kick his ass or something. Listen, I was a cop for over 222 years. I trust my brother. We got a lot of secrets together. Bad too. Plus y’all forget, JFK appointed his brother. Why? Because the man had swagger. I could be your JFK, New York. And I’m out here looking for my Marilyn Monroe. Shout out. But look. But unlike JFK, I’m not gonna get popped in the head. I’m gonna receive some. Okay. That was my staff waving at me saying I should not have made that joke and that’s fair. I do apologize. Unless you like that. Now, I’ll leave you with this, New York. Y’all in good black Boolean hands, alright? And we’re gonna beat this virus together and I believe that. Plus you know what rhymes with cough? Tough. And I mean it doesn’t but it should. And New York is tough as hell. And I dare COVID to run up on me. Please COVID, come to Brooklyn bro! Walk right up to this ass whooping! Okay? I’ll leave the light on for you dog. COVID is welcome anytime in New York. You can print that.

Emily Hernandez: Okay. Well, maybe let’s not welcome the virus. But thank you everyone. Seriously.

Eric Adams: Alright. Well, let’s have a great four years everybody. Bishop from New York, let’s go.

Biden Spider-Man Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with President Joe Biden speaking on a podium]

Male voice: And now a message from President Joe Biden.

Joe Biden: Good evening. Hello, my fellow Americans. As I keep saying every chance I get, we’re in the middle of a cold, dark winter. This winter is so dark Republicans don’t think you should vote. Well, this virus has disrupted our lives, it’s canceled holidays, weddings, quinceaneras, gender reveal parties, wildfires that started as gender reveal parties, whatever the hell is happening with Novak Djokovic. I know you’re tired of getting emails from your kids’ school late at night saying, “Okay, come in tomorrow. We’re feeling lucky.” I know every time a stranger breathes on you, you think, “That’s it, I’m dead.” America, I’m here to tell you. There’s one simple thing you can do to make this whole virus go away. Stop seeing Spider Man. Just stop seeing Spider-Man. Think about it. When does Spider-Man man come out? December 17. When did every single person get Omachron? The week after December 17. Stop seeing Spider Man. That’s really all I have to say. I yield the remainder of my time for questions. Yes.

Ego: Yes, I’m sorry. Did you really just blame the entire spread of Omicron on people seeing Spider Man?

Joe Biden: I did. Yes. Next question.

Bowen: So, you think all COVID will end if people stopped going to the movies?

Joe Bien: I didn’t say don’t go to the movies. I said stop seeing Spider Man. See anything else? I saw the first half hour of “House a Gucci.” That’s more than enough movie for anyone.

Heidi: Is this theory based on any kind of data?

Joe Biden: Yes. Everyone in America has seen Spider Man like eight times. Everyone in America also has COVID. Stop seeing Spider Man.

Ego: Have you seen Spider Man?

Joe Biden: I couldn’t get tickets. And I’m on a Stub’s A list. Jill and I tried to go last night. They only had one seat left in the front row. What was I supposed to do? Make Jill go see “Encanto” alone while I sit two inches from the screen like this? Stop seeing Spider-Man.

Bowen: Alright, but what about experts who say that the real problem is a lack of testing?

Joe Biden: Oh, they’ve touched a Spider-Man. This got 98% on Au Gratin Potatoes.

Heidi: He meant testing for COVID.

Joe Biden: You want to know if you have COVID? Look at your head. Is it holding a ticket that says you recently went to see Spider-Man? If so, then you have COVID.

Chris: Alright, well then what about the other problems facing America? Like, inflation?

Joe Biden: Spider Man.

Bowen: Okay, then why can’t Democrats pass the Voting Rights bill?

Joe Biden: You think people can focus on voting rights? When Spider Man’s Aunt May is a freaking smoke show?

Ego: Mr. President, isn’t the real reason you can’t pass the Voting Rights Act because members of your own party refuse to get rid of the filibuster?

Joe Biden: It’s true. Spider-Man has his villains. I have Joe Manchin and Kirsten Sinema. The only difference is when a Spider-Man’s villain saw Kyrsten Sinema, they’d be like, “Hey, honey, that outfits a little much.”

Heidi: And what about the Russian troops that are now surrounding the Ukrainian border pushing us to the brink of World War III?

Joe Biden: I mean, if that doesn’t sound like a job for Spider-Man, I don’t know what is. Okay, I have time for one more question. Yes. The nerd.

Andrew: Mr. President, it sounds like you want people to stop seeing Spider-Man.

Joe Biden: It’s a general idea. Yes.

Andrew: But do you think that elsewhere in the multiverse there’s a version of you that wants people to see Spider-Man?

Joe Biden: Finally a good question. I’ve actually thought about this a lot. I’m consulting with Dr. Fauci and Dr. Strange. As far as I can tell, there are at least three Joe Bidens. One of them’s me. One of them’s a Joe Biden that lost to Trump. That Biden hosts a show on CNBC called “T-birds, Tacos and Trains.” And then there’s a third Joe Biden, who’s the greatest president in history. My approval ratings are sky high. I’m actually supported by my own party. And I understand the show euphoria.

Ego: I’m sorry. You’re now saying that we’re living in a Spider-Man style multiverse?

Joe Biden: Doesn’t that make more sense than whatever the hell our current world is? I mean, seriously? Seriously. Come on! Such a wake up every morning to look at the news and think, “Oh, this can’t be right. This is all crazy.” People got vaccinated and the pandemic got worse. To wear a mask in a restaurant for the 10 feet until you sit down. The take it off for the whole meal. Once you gotta go to the bathroom, he got to put it back on the bathroom. Is there COVID in the bathroom? How does any of it make sense?

Heidi: Mr. President, are you okay?

Joe Biden: For the first time, hell yes. It’s like the webs have fallen from my eyes. We can finally see. You are ready.

[smoke appears beside Joe Biden. Then Pete walks out of the smoke.]

Pete: And the time has come. You are ready.

Bowen: Okay, who the hell is that?

Pete: I am Joe Biden from the real universe. The timeline you’re living in is about to collapse. You see, it was created as a joke starting in 2016 when the Chicago Cubs won the World Series. Now it spiraled out of control and could explode in a minute.

Joe Biden: Am I the president in this real world?

Pete: Of course not. Did you really think you would lose four times and then finally when when you were 78?

Heidi: What about the rest of us? Are we okay in the real world?

Pete: Everyone on earth is better off in the real world, except one man named Pete Davidson. Your world is may be more fun for him. Now, hurry before the portal closes.

Joe Biden: I’ll come back for all of you I promise. Right, after I pass the Build Back Better bill.

Pete: Dude, even in the real universe, that thing’s not passing.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Ariana DeBose Monologue

Ariana DeBose

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ariana DeBose.

[Ariana DeBose walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Ariana DeBose: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am so honored to be here tonight. Wow. 2020 has already been an exciting year. I am I am hosting SNL and I won a Golden Globe for my role as Anita in “West Side Story”. Now, not many people know this, but West Side Story is actually based on another classic tale of star cross lovers, 90 day fiancé. But it is great to be here representing not only the Latino community as an Afro Latina, but also the Broadway community. Obviously Broadway has been through a lot these last past couple of years, last past anyways. But we are a community that perseveres. I believe Broadway changes lives. I mean, hey, it changed mine. And Broadway has this magical ability to bring people together. And I think we can all use a little Broadway right now. Maybe, maybe a little something for West Side Story?

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate: Did I hear sing songs from West Side Story with Kate McKinnon?

Ariana DeBose: Ah, no, but Hi Kate.

Kate: I’m sorry. It’s my favorite show. I’d loved it since elementary school.

Ariana DeBose: Oh, well did you like the movie?

Kate: I didn’t see it. I don’t leave the house because of COVID and also because I don’t leave the house.

Ariana DeBose: Well, in that case, why don’t we bring out some stools and we can sing together?

Kate: No, no, I don’t even know if I even remember the songs. Tonight In a flat. Thanks.

[music playing]

Ariana DeBose: [singing] Tonight, tonight
it all began tonight
I saw you and the world went away

Kate: [singing] Tonight, tonight,
there’s only you tonight
what you want, what you do, what you say

Ariana DeBose: That’s pretty good, Kate.

Kate: I’ve been on Broadway.

Ariana DeBose: Oh, you have?

Kate: Yeah, like, the sidewalk.

Ariana DeBose: [singing] I feel pretty, all so pretty
I feel gritty and witty and gay
I pity any girl who isn’t me today

Kate: [singing] See the pretty girl in that mirror there
who can that attractive girl be?
Which, what, where, who?
such a pretty face, such a pretty dress
such a pretty smile

Ariana DeBose: Such a pretty me

I love that song. I mean, just singing it makes me feel pretty.

Kate: Yeah, which is crazy because like an hour ago we were both in sweatpants spooning our 13 year old cats.

Ariana DeBose: Yeah, well, I wasn’t doing that but that’s okay.

Kate: Yeah, me neither.

Ariana DeBose: Well, Mumbo.

[music playing. Ariana DeBose is dancing]

Your turn!

Kate: Oh, no. They know I dance.

[music playing]

Ariana DeBose: [singing] Could be

Kate: Who knows?

Ariana DeBose: There’s something new anyday
I will know right away
soon as it shows

Both: It may come cannonballing down the
gleam in its ey bright as rose

Ariana DeBose: I like to e in America
okay, by me in America
everything free in America
for a small flee in America

Kate: Finale.

Both: Today, the minutes seem like hours
the hours go so slowly
and still the sky is light
oh moon, go bright
and make this endless day
endless night, tonight.

Ariana DeBose: Whoa! We have got a great show for you tonight. Bleachers are here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

All On Me

Lil T… Chris Redd

Mac… Kenan Thompson

Freddie Gibbs

Ariana DeBose

Lil T: [rapping] Lil’ T on the track, baby
Just got signed, so we rich now, ha
Whole crew gon’ eat, my girl Boo-Boo
My boy Mac wit’ me, yeah
We in the club, actin’ up, let’s go

Came through the kitchen on a Tuesday
Straight to the booth for my crew, ’bout to do things
Pop bottles, new money, at my old ways
Penny for your thoughts, I got a milli’ for the whole thing
Party’s around me, just drink and don’t speak (But they fine tho)
Shrimp tower, what’s that? We don’t eat
Give ’em tips with change we don’t need
Don’t worry ’bout a thing ’cause it’s all on me

Lil’ T winnin’, now it’s all on me
Get what you want, it’s all on me
Wear shades ’cause my shinе is all you’ll see
Black card to black card, it’s all on me
Run the check-up ‘causе it’s all on me
What’s that? ‘Cause it’s all on me
Waitress: The check, sir.

Lil T: ‘Cause it’s all on me
Oh, cool.

cause it’s all on m—

[1 looks at the check. It’s over $44,000. He’s shocked] Oh, my God!

Ariana: Baby? Baby, what’s wrong?

Lil T: Uh, hmm? Oh, nothin’ boo, heh, Don’t worry ’bout it.
Hey Mac, hm, tell ’em how you livin’, bruh.

Mac: T give me that dough, and I’m wildin’ (No doubt)
Got the whole crew drippin in diamonds (Ayy)
Diamonds on my chain, (Ayy) ten diamond rings (Ten?)
Diamonds on my grill, (Okay) diamonds for my girl (Wait)
Benz for my girl, (Mac!) house for my girl (Hey, Mac!)
Benz for my house, (No!) house for my Benz (What?)
Benz for my moms, (No!) Benz for my kids (They babies!)
Big words what I said, cause it’s all on him

Lil T: R-run that check up, (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
Some is on me, (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
Or us though, (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
Who ordered this shrimp? (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
Nobody eatin’ it! (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
That ain’t good, (‘Cause it’s all on me!)

Ariana: You can tell by the way he throw it all around [1 is collecting the money he threw before]
He got money in the bank
 (It’s all on T!)

Freddie Gibbs: Okay, Lil’ T, you up in the big leagues
See you spendin’ big G’s like your boy Freddie G
Young’uns making money is something I like to see
Send him one big bottle of Ace, it’s on me

Lil T: Damn, Freddie Gibbs, you doin’ it like that?

Mac: You know the club code, gotta send something back!

Lil T: I already know, yo, send something dope!
Enjoy Freddie Gibbs!

Freddie Gibbs: What’s this, diet coke? The f**k?
Boy, I should whoop your ass for bringing this ***damn Coke, boy!
Old dude’s just being cheap!
Shots for everybody and they all on T!

Lil T: No!

Freddie Gibbs: Run the check up (‘Cause it’s all on T!)
He got it! No, it’s not! (Yeah, it’s all on T!)

Lil T: No, Freddie Gibbs doesn’t represent me, though
Ariana: Now, hold up, baby, lemme get em!
Crystal poppin’ in the VIP
I got my own money, but he spendin’ on me
Get ten more bottles! (Let’s start with one!)
Five Dom Perignons! (Let’s start with none!)
And all you ho’s in the club, look but don’t touch
Gotta go through me first, now eat your box lunch
Throw that money up, whole spot going crazy! (Word!)
Cause I’m having Lil’ T’s baby!

Lil T: You’re pregnant? (It’s all on T!)
That’s why you’re not drinkin’? (It’s all on T!)
I thought there was like, a holy reason! (It’s all on T!)
I’m so stressed, (It’s all on T!)
I’m not financially prepared to be a father.

Mac: Hey, let’s close this out right, T.

Lil T: Ahh, everybody put your hands in the sky
Now drop ’em low to the floor
Now pull your credit card out
And pass it to me, bro!
Oh, who got a Venmo? Send me a Venmo!
Who got a Venmo? I need like ten mo’
(Ow-ow, bah, ow-ow) ‘Cause, it’s all on me!

[paying the bill] Hey, can you go and split these up evenly between all these? Thank you very much, it’s very important (‘Cause it’s all on me!)

Barfly Awards

Missy Shoots… Cecily Strong

Peanuts… Aidy Bryant

Flip Rick… Kenan Thompson

Pissy Carmichael… Alex Moffat

Sally O’Flappy… Maya Rudolph

Teeny Petey Rancini… Kyle Mooney

Nick Flint…  Mikey Day

Peaches… Kate McKinnon

[starts with announcement]

Male voice: Live from Pickleback Auditorium, it’s the 2021 Barfly Awards. With your host Missy Shoots.

[Cut to Missy Shoots. She is on the stage with a martini in her hand.]

Missy Shoots: Welcome to the Barfly Awards. This year being a barfly has taken even more dedication, determination, swinging back and forth, you know what I’m saying? So, we honor them tonight.

Male voice: Coming to the stage, she won last year for longest two AM story, please welcome Peanuts.

[Peanuts walks in. She has a glass of whiskey in her hand.]

Peanuts: Okay. Our first reward of the night goes for wildest claim made at the bar. In your life, there’s gonna be so many people. So, here’s our nominees. Hannah NoMOney, “I had sex with a ghost”. Flip Rick, “I can run a two minute mile”

Flip Rick: I can. I just don’t want to do it right now.

Peanuts: Pissy Carmichael with “I speak fluent French”.

Pissy Carmichael: Ju-ju-pu-pu-ju.

Peanuts: And Sally O’Flappy, I came up with the idea of a rolly suitcase, I can show you the email”. And the Barfly Award, hold on- I got it. It’s Sally O’Flappy.

[Sally O’Flappy walks on the stage and received the award]

Sally O’Flappy: Oh, man. I can’t believe. This is amazing. Everybody here perspires me. I have to say, the guy, the young guy, know him? But hey, oh I miss him. Okay, bye, bye. Love you.

Male voice: Comin up next, he won last year’s award for best story about his daughter with left her at the beach. It’s Teeny Petey Rancini.

[Teeny Petey Rancini walks in with a glass of whiskey]

Teeny Petey Rancini: Can I say Something? Money is not real. [Missy Shoots walks in to hold Teeny Petey Rancini as he’s too drunk] No, no, it’s not your turn. I’m presenting.

Missy Shoots: You’re standing nice. You’re a nice guy. Can I have a kiss? [kisses on Teeny Petey Rancini’s cheek]

Teeny Petey Rancini: Thank you. Here are the nominees for the most bummer detail. Big John, “It’s my last weekend with my foot”. Just Marge, “Member me?I’m your favorite teacher from high school”.

Just Marge: Look at you. You grew up.

Teeny Petey Rancini: Peaches, “I’m 41 years old”.

Peaches: Hi.

Teeny Petey Rancini: And Sally O’Flappy with “My husband’s in the jar”. Winner is- I can’t believe it. It’s Sally O’Flappy.

[Sally O’Flappy walks in and receives the award again]

Sally O’Flappy: Thank you. I can’t believe. One too more. That’s phenomenon. I’m want to thank my dead husband because he was a phenomenon guy. [drops the jar she said her husband was] Oh-oh! Whoopsy! Sorry, dude. Well, goodnight!

Male voice: Please welcome our next presenter, winner of the foreign Barfly Award or hobby, Nick Flint.

[Nick Flint walks in with a glass of whiskey]

Nick Flint: Oi! If you’re a supporter of Manchester United, then this is for you. Wanker! Here are the nominees for best bar hookup. [cut to Flip Rick and Sally O’Flappy] Him and her. [cut to Teeny Petey Rancini and Andrew] Her and him. [Cut to Teeny Petey Rancini, Andrew and Just Marge] Her and him and that. And the winner is – Ah! That! Peaches.  [Peaches walks to the stage and receives the award] Is also nominated tonight for most destructive trip to the bathroom.

Peaches: Cell phone, wallet, key. Okay, goodnight.

Male voice: Last call.

[All the audiences get angry]

All: Ah! What are you saying? Come on, now!

[All of them stand and walk away]

Missy Shoots: This has been 2021 Barfly Awards. Make sure you close at after party. We have to go midtown hungover tomorrow.