Kavanaugh Hearing Cold Open: Season 44 Episode 1

Harris Faulkner (Fox News)…..Leslie Jones

Mr. Grassley…..Alex Moffat

Mrs. Feinstein…..Cecily Strong

Hon. Brett M. Kavanaugh…..Matt Damon

Rachel Mitchell…..Aidy Bryant

Sen. Amy Klobuchar…..Rachel Dratch

Thom Tillis…..Mikey Day

Sen. Cory Booker…..Chris Redd

Sen. John Kennedy…..Kyle Mooney

Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse…..Pete Davidson

Mr. Hatch…..Beck Bennett

Mr. Graham…..Kate McKinnon

[ Fox News Alert opening sequence. ] [ Cut to Harris Faulkner sitting at the news desk. ]

Harris Faulkner: Hello. I’m Harris Faulkner. And we are halfway through the Kavanaugh hearing. It’s special coverage at the Fox News we’re calling, “Wuh Oh!”Judge Kavanaugh himself is about to appear, so let’s go live to the Senate hearing room where two of the oldest white people I’ve ever seen are about to run a circus.

[ Cut to the Senate Hearing Room. There is a banging of a judge’s mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Order, Order. We are calling this meeting back to order. This hearing back to order.

Mrs. Feinstein: That’s right, we’re back from lunch. I had soup.

Mr. Grassley: And I had soup as well. It was too hot. Now we just heard some very moving testimony from Dr. Ford. I listened to her and I kept a very open mind and that is why I already voted yes for Kavanaugh before she said a word. Now we’ve heard from the alleged victim, but now it’s time to hear from the hero, Judge Brett Kavanaugh. Who I’m told has been shadowboxed in the men’s room for the last 45 minutes. Judge Kavanaugh!

[ Judge Kavanaugh’s seat is empty. He enters the room and takes a seat. He is consistently sniffing. ]

Kavanaugh: WHAT!

Mr. Grassley: Judge Kavanaugh, are you ready to begin?

Kavanaugh: Oh, hell yeah! Let me tell you this, I’m gonna start at an eleven. I’m going to take it to about a fifteen real quick. First of all, I showed this speech to almost no one. Not my family, not my friends, not even P.J. or Tobin or Squee. This is my speech. There are others like it, but this is mine. I wrote it last night while screaming into an empty bag of Doritos. I’m here tonight because of a sham, a political con job, orchestrated by the Clinton’s and George Soros and Kathy Griffin and Mr. Ronan Sinatra. Now I am usually an optimist. I’m a keg is half full kind of guy. BUt what I’ve seen from the monsters on this committee makes me want to puke and not from beer. Dr. Ford has no evidence, none! Meanwhile, I’ve got these. [ Kavanaugh shows his calendar to the hearing room. ] I’ve got these calendars. [ Kavanaugh begins to force a cry between his words. ] These beautiful creepy calendars about lifting weights with P.J. and Squee and Donkey Dong Doug. [ He puts the calendar down. ] But you don’t care about Squee or Donkey Dong Doug, do you? You just want to humiliate me in front of my wife, and my parents, and Alyssa frickin’ Milano. [ A cardboard cut out of Alyssa Milano pokes out behind Kavanaugh. ] Well guess what? I’m not backing down, you sons of bitches. I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘stop’. To quote my hero, Clint Eastwood’s character in “Gran Torino”, ‘Get the hell off my lawn!’ Now let’s do this!

Mr. Grassley: Okay. Well, I’m hard as hell. Senator Feinstein, you want to fight this monkey first?

Mrs. Feinstein: Judge Kavanaugh, [ Cut to Kavanaugh drinking a glass of water and spilling it all over his face. ] are you saying that all that all the claims of Mrs. Ford, Mrs. Ramirez, and Mrs. Swetnick are false?

Kavanaugh: Ha! Uh, doy! [ Kavanaugh pours himself some more water. ]

Mrs. Feinstein: Then if you have nothing to hide, would you agree to an independent FBI investigation into the allegations?

Kavanaugh: Asked and answered. I wanted a hearing the next day. The next day.

Mrs. Feinstein: Okay, that in no way answers my question. Would you agree to an FBI investigation?

Kavanaugh: You want a real investigation. Then just look at my calendars. And you’re going to see that very night I Was lifting weight P.J. and Squee and Handsy HAnk and Gangbang Greg. Which you know the liberal media is going to find some way to spin.

Mrs. Feinstein: Okay, can we vote now?

Mr. Grassley: No, no. Senator Hatch.

Mr. Hatch: I just want to point out that democrats in this committee have acted like cowards. Now if you excuse me I would like to hide behind the female prosecutor we hired as a human shield.

Rachel Mitchell: Okay. So, hi. I’ve got about 4,000 loose papers on this weird little baby desk that they set up for me here. Okay. Now okay first of all, hello, my name is Rachel Mitchell. I’m here mostly for Twitter. And although everyone will constantly be referring to me as female prosecutor, you can really just call me straight up prosecutor. Okay. Now before we begin…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet interrupting Rachel. ]

Mr. Grassley: Okay, you’re time is up.

Rachel Mitchell: Okay, wow, I’m already regretting this.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Klobuchar.

Klobuchar: Okay, okay. Here we go. Now Judge Kavanaugh would you say in high school that you were a frequent drinker?

Kavanaugh: Look, I like beer. Okay. I like beer. Boys like beer. Girls like beer. I like beer. I like beer!

Klobuchar: Okay, so I asked if you drank in high school and you said, ‘I like beer’ ten times. That leads me to the next question. Did you ever drink too many beers?

Kavanaugh: You mean, was I cool? Yeah. [ Kavanaugh continues to drink water and spills it on himself. ]

Klobuchar: Alright. Alright. Then tell me this, Judge, did you ever drink so much that you blacked out?

Kavanaugh: I don’t know. Did you? Huh? Huh? Huh? Did you ever blackout?

Klobuchar: Excuse me?

Kavanaugh: Sorry, I didn’t mean it. I think I just blacked out for a second.

Klobuchar: I accept your apology, Judge. Can I just ask…[ Alyssa Milano cardboard pokes out behind Klobuchar. ] Is Alyssa Milano behind me? She is just so good at finding her lens.

Mr. Grassley: Order, order! Senator Tillis.

Tillis: Thank you. I would also like to yield my time to the female assistant. Or sorry, do you prefer stewardess?

Rachel: Oh okay, I cannot believe I flew here on Southwest for this. Um, okay now Judge Kavanaugh, do you have the definition of sexual behavior in front of you?

Kavanaugh: Yeah!

Rachel: Okay could you please read it to yourself and while you do could you please look at the piece of paper like you hate it? And could you also squint and make your mouth into the tiniest little mouth we have ever seen?

[ Kavanaugh looks at the paper squinting and puckering his lips. ]

Kavanaugh: Okay, I read it.

Rachel: Okay now having read it could you…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet interrupting Rachel again. ]

Mr. Grassley: Time!

Rachel: Oh okay. Very cool.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Booker, are you ready to speak?

Booker: I will not dignify this hearing with words. I will just show you one expression I call the ‘Booker look’. [ Booker makes an exaggerated sad face and shakes his head in disapproval. ]

Mr. Grassley: Okay, thank you Senator Booker. Senator Kennedy from Louisiana.

Kennedy: Judge Kavanaugh, I only have one question for you. Look me in the eye, in front of God, and I want you to answer honestly. That beer you like to drink, are we talking foreign or domestic?

Kavanaugh: I drink American Beer.

Kennedy: You ain’t drinking Heineken on us?

Kavanaugh: I drink American beer!

Kennedy: No further questions! This guy checks out. I give the rest of my time to Miss Frizzle.

Rachel: Okay, now I gotta make this quick…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Time!

Rachel: Damnit. Damnit.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Whitehouse!

Whitehouse: Yeah, I’d just like to ask Judge Kavanaugh about his yearbook.

Kavanaugh: Oh yearbook. We’re talking about a yearbook right now.

Whitehouse: Uh, Judge Kavanaugh, what is ‘boofing’?

Kavanaugh: It was flatulence. I was 16.

Whitehouse: Can you use ‘boof’ in a sentence?

Kavanaugh: Sure. I passed out from drinking but then I boofed so loud, I woke myself up.

Whitehouse: Okay, what about ‘Devil’s Triangle’?

Kavanaugh: It’s a drinking game.

Whitehouse: Okay, ‘Eskimo Brothers’?

Kavanaugh: Drinking game.

Whitehouse: ‘Eiffel Tower’ with Dougie One Nut?

Kavanaugh: That was a possible trip to France that didn’t pan out.

Whitehouse: Judge Kavanaugh, my staff just googled all these terms and they’re clearly referring to sex.

Kavanaugh: Well that’s impossible because I didn’t have sex for many, many, many years. Many years. All I did was drink, a lot, and not think about having sex at all. I was the proudest, drunkest, virgin you’ve ever seen. And everyone can relate to that.

[ Mr. Graham bangs his fist on the desk. ]

Mr. Graham: I object.

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Lindsey Graham.

Mr. Graham: I object. That’s right. [ He points his finger and shakes it. ] I have been waiting to yell and shake my finger and get rid of this tomato for 15 minutes. And I know I’m supposed to shut up because I am single white male 5’10”, uncut. But I will not shut up, because this is a bunch of c-r-a-p crap! This ain’t no trial. This ain’t no due process. You know what this is Judge Kavanaugh, you know what this is?

Kavanaugh: Is this a real question?

Mr. Graham: This is hell! That’s what it is. It’s hell. [ He keeps pointing and exaggerating his pointing. ] Is this hell to you, Judge Kavanaugh?

Kavanaugh: Well, it’s pretty bad.

Mr. Graham: It is hell! And for what? You don’t just be Bill Cosby and suddenly you’re not Bill Cosby anymore.

Kavanaugh: Okay well you don’t, you don’t have to compare me to Bill Cosby.

Mr. Graham: No, no. You are him. You are him. Imagine this man in handcuffs like Bill Cosby.

Kavanaugh: Just please stop saying Bill Cosby.

Mr. Graham: You put this man on Supreme Court now! No vote, no discussion. You give him a damn robe and you let him do whatever the hell he wants. Because this right now, this is my audition for Mr. Trump’s cabinet. And also for a regional production of ‘The Crucible’. And let me tell you, queen, I was good.

Mr. Grassley: Alright. [ He bangs his mallet. ] Alright. [ He bangs his mallet again. ] Alright, I think we’ve heard more than enough. Ranking member Feinstein, would you like to say something in closing?

Mrs. Feinstein: I just have one final question for Judge Kavanaugh. After all of this, do you really think you have the right demeanor and temperament to be a Supreme Court Justice?

[ Kavanaugh turns two pages of paper with force. ]

Kavanaugh: I went to Yale! I work my butt off to get here. I busted my buns. I lifted weights. Every day [ He begins to cry. ] with Tobin, and P.J., and Squee. And Donkey Dong Doug. And yeah, we had a couple thousand beers along the way. Especially my good friend, Mark Judge, who can’t remember huge chunks of his life, but is my key witness. So am I angry, you’re damn right. But if you think I’m angry now, you just wait till I get on that Supreme Court cause then you’re all gonna pay. Give me a can of water. [ He shotguns a can of water. ] And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

80’s Party: Season 44 Episode 1

Hank…..Mikey Day

Fenster…..Adam Driver

Frat Guy 1 (Andrew Gucherman)…..Beck Bennett

Frat guy 2…..Chris Redd

Sorority Girl 1…..Ego Nwodim

Sorority Girl 2…..Cecily Strong

Sorority Girl 3…..Aidy Bryant

Frat guy 3…..Pete Davidson

Frat guy 4…..Alex Moffat

Sorority Girl 4…..Heidi Gardner

Sorority Girl 5…..Melissa Villaseñor

[ Image of the front of a Frat House with a title that reads in ‘Rad Times At Frat U”. ] [ Cut to Fenster and Hank walking down the street towards the Frat House. ]

Hank: I don’t know Fenster, a frat party?

Fenster: Come on Hank, it’s Homecoming weekend! You have to party.

Hank: Yeah, I should be studying.

[ They approach the door and Fenster rings the doorbell. ]

Fenster: Come on, dorkus, live a little.

[ Frat guy 1 answers the door. ]

Frat guy 1: Ooh, welcome to the fun house, nerds. Homecoming weekend. Hahahaha.

[ Hank and Fenster enter a very crowded active party. ]

Hank: Oh boy.

Fenster: Well Hank, this will be a night we will never forget.

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of Fenster as he enters the party. Below his face is the caption, ‘Stated in a recent deposition he has no memory of this night.’ ] [ Cut to the break in a game of pool. ] [ Cut to a frat guy shotgunning a beer. ] [ Cut to frat guy 1 and 2 standing in the kitchen drinking beers. ]

Frat guy 2: Wow, this party’s crazy.

Frat guy 1: Look around freshman. Nothing we do tonight matters.

Frat guy 1 & 2: No consequences!

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of frat guy 2 smiling. The caption below his face reads, ‘Lost his medical license as a consequence of this night.’ ]

Sorority Girl 1: Sorry guys, turns out we couldn’t get beer.

Sorority Girl 2: But we got cocaine!!! [ She waves a small bag of white powder. The rest of the party cheers. Then she rubs some of the white powder on her gums. ] [ Cut to black and white freeze frame of sorority girl 2 rubbing cocaine on her gums. The caption below her face reads, ‘Fox News Correspondent’. ] [ Cut to sorority girl 1 dancing then black and white freeze frame of her with cocaine smeared below her nose. The caption reads, ‘MSNBC anchor’. ] [Cut to Sorority girl 3 waking up on the couch. She has sharpie markings all over her face and she walks away from the couch. Then the camera does the black and white freeze frame with her caption reading, ‘Forced to withdraw 2020 presidential bid’. ] [ Cut to two sorority girls making out. ]

Random frat guy’s voice: Woah, those chicks are making out.

[ Cut to a group of frat guys sitting on the stairs, drinking beers, while watching the two girls make out. ]

Frat guy 3: Oh wow, two girls kissing. I live for this stuff boys.

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of frat guy 3 smiling on the stairs. The caption below his face reads, ‘Lives upstate with husband of 15 years’. ] [ Cut to Hank sitting on the couch talking to a girl. ]

Hank: Man, I’m not going to get stuck in this town. I’m going places.

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of Hank. His caption reads, ‘Dead’. ] [ Cut to a beer can being opened. ] [ Cut to the dance floor where everyone is dancing. There is girl, Agnus, with head gear up front and frat guy 1 approaches her. ]

Frat guy 1: Hey Agnus, I got you a present. [ He goes in for a kiss over her head gear and she pulls away saying, ‘Ew!’ ]

Frat guy 4: Twenty bucks my dude. [ He hands frat guy 1 $20 as a reward for kissing Agnus over her head gear. ]

Frat guy 1: Ew, I can’t believe I did that.

Frat guy 4: Me either! [ They shake hands and hug. ] [ Cut to black and white freeze frame of Frat guy 1 with his hands in the air smiling. The caption reads, ‘Perpetually haunted by this moment’. ] [ Cut to Frat guy 4 dancing then black and white freeze frame. This caption reads, ‘Also forced to withdraw 2020 presidential bid’. ] [ Cut to three sorority girls drinking beers next to other party-goers playing Pong on a small TV. ]

Sorority Girl 4: Ew, did you hear that the Gooch kissed Agnus the hag-nus?

Sorority Girl 2: Ugh, that guy is such a skeez.

Sorority Girl 5: Yeah, stay away from him.

[ Cut to black and white freeze frame of the three sorority girls. The caption is below Sorority Girl 5 and it reads, ‘Dated him’. The caption below sorority girl 2 reads, ‘Dated him’. And the caption below sorority girl 4 reads, ‘Married him’. ] [ Cut to the pool. There are a few people in the pool and the rest are standing around the pool. Frat guy 1 is walking to the edge of the diving board fully clothed. ]

Frat guy 1: Hey everybody! People are going to be talking about this party for the rest of our lives. And when they do, remember that I, Andrew Gucherman, did this. [ He unzips his pants and pulls them down revealing his naked lower half. ] Memorize these nuts! [ He takes off his shirt and does a back flop into the pool. ] [ Cut to black and white freeze frame of a naked frat guy 1 just before he lands in the pool on his back. The caption reads, ‘Insisted to a federal grand jury he never did this’. ] [ Cut to frat guy 1 splashing into the pool and the rest of the party-goers cheering him along from the sides of the pool. ] [Cut to black and white freeze frame of the party-goers cheering. Captions start appearing underneath everyone reading, ‘Backed him up’ and the caption beneath Hank reads, ‘Killed by Andrew Cunanan’. ] [ Cut to image of the front of the frat house with a caption that reads, ‘Frat disbanded after five-part Rolling Stone article’. ] [ Cut to Fenster sitting handcuffed between two FBI agents. ]

Fenster: But hey, that was the 80’s. So how serious are the charges?

 

Neo-Confederate Meeting: Season 44 Episode 1

Todd…..Kyle Mooney

Jim…..Beck Bennett

Volunteer 1…..Adam Driver

Volunteer 2…..Melissa Villaseñor

Volunteer 3…..Aidy Bryant

Security Officer William…..Chris Redd

 

[ Opens with a image of a Community Center entrance. ] [ Cut to a meeting room with Todd standing up front and the rest of the volunteers seated in folding chairs. ]

Todd: A couple of League of the South announcements. Deb is selling Confederate flag blankets. All proceeds go to the troops. And there’s been some complaints about our Fantasy Football League. We’re gonna go ahead and say you can pick black players on your team. So that’s going to help out a lot. Now, Jim has something important to say. So come on up here.

Jim: Alright, okay. So friends, you’ve seen it. It’s been over a year since we Neo-Confederate volunteers marched on Charlottesville and things haven’t gotten better. [ The seated volunteers all nod their heads. ] More foreigners coming in. More strangers who don’t respect our way of life. We’re losing our culture and I will not sit quietly. You with me?! [ The seated volunteers respond with ‘Yeah’s, head nods, and cheers.] So tonight, I have a plan. A grand vision. If they’re going to keep coming here, then we’re going to go to someplace else. Our own place. For our own people. [ There are murmurs from the seated volunteers and a few head nods. ] No immigrants, no minorities. An agrarian community where everyone lives in harmony. Because every single person is white. [ Volunteer 1 raises his hand. ] Yes, sir.

Volunteer 1: Yeah, I know that place. That sounds like Vermont.

Jim: Vermont? No sir, what I’m talking about is a place purely for caucasians. Where even the folks who wash the dishes and pick the fruit are white.

Volunteer 1: Oh yeah, that’s Vermont.

Jim: Are you new here?

Volunteer 1: Ah yeah, I’m originally from up north.

Jim: Woah! Woah, woah!

Volunteer 1: Don’t worry, I’m from Boston.

Jim: Oh alright, good good. Okay good.

Volunteer 1: But, I’ve been to Vermont many times and it’s just like what you were saying.

Jim: I’m sorry, but you don’t seem to understand what I’m proposing is a whole new society. Going back to a time when the white man can take things he grew from the ground and trade them with another white man who grew things from the ground.

Volunteer 1: Yeah, uh, that’s a farmer’s market. And they’re all over Vermont.

Jim: Damnit, this ain’t some Yankee commune. Alright, the place I’m envisioning is a paradise. Country stores.

Volunteer 1: Yup.

Jim: Covered bridges.

Volunteer 1: Oh yeah.

Jim: The kind of place where you can drive around in an old car and wave to folks on porches having breakfast.

Volunteer 1: Yeah, I’m sorry I saw that last week, in Vermont.

Jim: Well be that as it may, no one wants to Vermont, right? [ The volunteers grumble ‘no’s and shake their heads. ]

Volunteer 2: I don’t know. That sounds kinda nice. Are there lots of dogs around wearing bandanas?

Volunteer 1: Oh yeah, well of course there are.

Jim: Look, look, y’all we’re getting off track. Now Todd, you don’t want to go to Vermont, do you?

Todd: I don’t know, Jim. I was thinking. You know how for this year’s White Nationals Retreat we were gonna go to Colonial Williamsburg again? Hey, maybe we should go to Vermont?

Jim: Todd! Todd! You love Colonial Williamsburg! It’s things as they should be!

Todd: I know Jim, but this place sounds nice! Pancakes on the porch. Spiced apple compote. The leaves change colors but the people never do. Why wouldn’t you wanna go?

Okay, now I just found an Airbnb in Shelburn. Listen to this. Cozy eight-bedroom farmhouse, vaulted ceilings, two-way fireplace, fly-fishing, and off-roading nearby. That’s a caucasian paradise, y’all. [ The seated volunteers talk amongst themselves with excitement and agreement. ] [ The security officer walks in. He is black. ]

Security Officer William: Alright everybody, caucasians. Wrap up your little Confederate pity party. Man there is an AA meeting starting in about ten minutes.

Jim: Now hold on, William. Have you ever been to Vermont?

Security Officer William: Vermont? Why would I want to go there? There’s no hip hop on the radio. People paying to run around in corn mazes. There’s not a black face for miles. Hell no! [ Security leaves the room. ]

Jim: Oh okay, alright. Thank you, William. Okay, well it’s settled. We’re going to Vermont! [ Everybody cheers. ]

Volunteer 1: Maybe we can all rent Subarus.

[ Cut to front entrance of the Community Center. ]

 

Career Day: Season 44 Episode 1

Career Day

Firefighter…..Alex Moffat

Teacher…..Aidy Bryant

Student 1…..Ego Nwodim

Mordecai…..Pete Davidson

Samantha…..Melissa Villaseñor

Mr. Parnassus…..Adam Driver

[ Image of the entrance to Sierra High School with the school sign reading, “Career Day Friday!” ] [ Cut to a classroom with several students sitting in desks, the teacher standing to the side, and a firefighter in the front of the class holding his axe. ]

Firefighter: And in my opinion, that’s how we make the fire go away.

[ The teacher lightly claps her hands and walks over to the firefighter. ]

Teacher: Oh, wow. Simply, wow. Thank you so much to Samantha’s dad for than enlightening demonstration. [ The firefighter exits the classroom. ] Alright class, to continue our career day presentations, we will now turn it over to Mordecai’s father, Abraham H. Parnassus.

Student 1: Dude, what does your dad even do?

Mordecai: I don’t want to talk about it.

Samantha: I heard he’s like super old. Is that true?

Mordecai: I don’t know. He’s a dad. Dad’s are old.

[ A very old looking man with gray hair and a gray mustache enters the classroom. ]

Mr. Parnassus: Greetings, children. I’m Mordecai’s father. Hello boy. How are you? Look at your father boy. Look upon your father with pride.

Mordecai: I see you, man!

Teacher: Alright, uh, Mr. Parnassus why don’t you tell us about what you do for a living?

Mr. Parnassus: Hear me now, children, for my occupation is of much import. For 82 years I have been an oil man, a ‘barren’ some have called me. Now what does an oil barren do? The answer…crush your enemies! Grind their bones into dirt! Make them regret that they were ever born!

Samantha: Oh sick!

Teacher: Wow! Right into the dirt. [ The teacher chuckles. ] Now if the kids want to pursue a career in oil, what sort of traits would serve them well?

Mr. Parnassus: Oil is not for the weak. It is the Earth’s milk, and only the strong may suckle at Mother’s teat. Do you hear me boy? Only the strong…look at me boy. Look at your father! Look at me.

Samantha: Look at him Mordecai!

Mordecai: Dad, this is embarrassing.

One man came close to breaking me, H.R. Pickens. He did not succeed, for I crushed him into the ground!

Samantha: Who is H.R Pickens?

Mr. Parnassus: Exactly!

Teacher: Samantha, you gotta stop it honey. Okay. Well, Mr. Parnassus, the oil business must be pretty lucrative, right?

Mr. Parnassus: Oil has little to do with profit, Marm!

Teacher: Okay.

Mr. Parnassus: Oil is about domination of the spirit. Allow me to demonstrate. Children, point to the weakest in your class. And we shall ruin their spirit, as I ruined the spirit of H. R. Pickens so long ago.

[ All of the students point to Mordecai. ]

Mordecai: Word.

Samantha: You are weak like H.R. Pickens.

[ Mr. Parnassus walks over to Mordecai’s desk and leans in towards him using his can to hold himself up. ]

Mr. Parnassus: Feel this boy. Understand the pain. You think I was always the picture of strength that I am now?

Mordecai: Dad, you couldn’t get out of bed for a week because the mattress was too soft.

Mr. Parnassus: Mind over flesh boy. I was born seven months too early. Incubation technology was still in its infancy, so they placed me in a cast iron pot inside of a pizza oven until I was ripe enough to walk. My bones never hardened but my spirit did. Be strong and crush your enemies!

Teacher: Well, this has been outstanding Mr. Parnassus, but unfortunately we are running out of time. [ The teacher makes a thumbs down motion with her hand. ] Boo! Now does anyone else have any last questions for Mordecai’s dad?

Student 1: Yeah, yeah. I get that you’re an oil barren. But what do you do all day?

Mr. Parnassus: Perhaps I wasn’t clear. Luckily, I brought a visual aid which will illuminate the ins and outs of the oil industry. [ He shakes open the burlap sack he was carrying and pulls out a dead crow. ] This dead bird represents those who will wish you ill. Once proud, flying high above the Earth [ Mr. Parnassus holds the bird up high and pretends to make it fly. ] in bloody defiance of her gifts. And now you return [ Mr. Parnassus throws the bird to the ground forcefully. ] her to Earth, naked and defeated. [ Mr. Parnassus stabs his cane into the bird on the ground. ] I outlived you, Mr. Pickens! I crushed you into the ground and now your bones turn to oil beneath my living feet! I married your granddaughter, filled her belly with my festering seed and sired a boy! He is my final revenge, H.R.!

Mordecai: Dad, come on.

[ Samantha stands up and starts clapping. ]

Samantha: I want to be you when I grow up.

Mr. Parnassus: And so, you shall! Now, children, I was asked to bring a healthy snack. So join me in the hall for swine livers and Capri Suns.

[ Cut to the front entrance of the High School. ]

Teacher voiceover: Alright, kids, go out and eat those pig guts.

Adam Driver End of Summer Monologue: Season 44 Episode 1

…..Adam Driver

…..Aidy Bryant

…..Beck Bennett

…..Kenan Thompson

…..Pete Davidson

[ Adam Driver walks out onto the stage in front of the SNL band to speak to the audience. Adam waves to the audience and signals for them to stop cheering. ]

Adam Driver: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am Adam, designated driver, and this is the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. Which is exciting. This is exciting. Which is exciting, which is exciting. But, the only thing about hosting the first show back is all anyone in the cast wants to do is talk about their summers. Which is fine. It’s fine. This is all fine. Honestly, it’s just about me. I’m terrible at small talk.

[ Aidy Bryant walks onto stage. ]

AIDY BRYANT: Okay my dude. Hi!

Adam Driver: Okay it’s happening.

AIDY BRYANT: How was your summer?

Adam Driver: It was, uh, it was good. You know. I worked a little and traveled a little. And uh…how was your summer?

AIDY BRYANT: Oh, you know, it was good. Yeah. I worked a little. I traveled a little. Chilled with some…

[ Adam stands there looking contemplative. He nods his head as his voiceover explains what he is thinking. Aidy continues to speak about her summer, but her voice is silenced. ]

Adam Driver voiceover: Oh my God, is this really happening? Is she really describing her whole summer? Of course she worked a little and traveled a little. That’s what every friggin’ idiot does. Oh no she paused. Quick laugh and smile a little.

[ Adam speaks out loud again. ]

Adam Driver: Yeah. [ Adam forces an uncomfortable laugh. ]

AIDY BRYANT: Anyway we are so happy to have you back.

Adam Driver: Oh, and I am great [ Adam stutters. ] for to be back.

AIDY BRYANT: Okay, you hang in there man. [ Aidy walks off stage. ]

Adam Driver: Okay so anyway, on huge spoiler about Star Wars…

[ Beck Bennett walks onto the stage. ]

BECK BENNETT: Ohh, what’s up my man? How was your summer?

Adam Driver: It was good. [ Adam stutters. ] How was your summer?

BECK BENNETT: Oh, it was pretty good. I worked a little; I traveled a little.

[ Adam looks annoyed and begins to think again. ]

Adam Driver Voiceover: You know what Beck… [ Bleep ] you! Are you really doing this dude?

BECK BENNETT: And, uh, I got married this summer. So I’m a big boy now. Yeah. Thank you. Adam, do you know how it feels to be a big boy?

Adam Driver: Well I’m also married, and I was a Marine.

BECK BENNETT: Oh okay, wow. You win! [ Beck turns away from Adam and walks off the stage. ] [Kenan Thompson walks onto the stage. ]

KENAN THOMPSON: Adam what’s up man? Welcome back, man! How was your summer?

Adam Driver: Yes it was so so so so so so so so fun. And you?

KENAN THOMPSON: Well you know..I worked a little, and I traveled a little. Work hard, play hard. Am I right? [ Kenan laughs. ] [ Adam looks displeased and begins to think again. ]

Adam Driver Voiceover: Don’t hit Kenan. Whatever you do, don’t hit Kenan. You worked so hard on your anger issues. Don’t blow it on live TV.

KENAN THOMPSON: Man, it is a funny story.

Adam Driver: That’s so funny, yes! Ha ha ha!

[ Kenan looks frightened and begins to think. ]

KENAN THOMPSON Voiceover: Yo, is Adam Driver going to hit me? I mean it really looks like he’s about to go all Kylo Ren on my ass.

[ Cut to Adam Driver looking fierce. Star Wars like music begins to play. Cut back to Kenan looking frightened. ]

KENAN THOMPSON: Okay, anyway, um. Break a leg tonight.

Adam Driver: Oh, I will!

KENAN THOMPSON: Oh, I’m out. [ Kenan exits the stage quickly. ]

Adam Driver: Where was I? So, Ewoks are real, and I’ll tell you where to find them. You take a plane to Traverse City, Michigan…

[ Pete Davidson walks onto the stage. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Yo! What up Adam? So, how was your summer man? Did you work a little or travel a little by chance?

Adam Driver: I did Pete. How was your summer?

PETE DAVIDSON: Oh you don’t want to hear about my summer.

Adam Driver: No actually, you’re the one person whose summer I want to hear about.

[ Pete smiles at the camera and winks, and then he walks off the stage. ]

Adam Driver: We got a great show for you tonight! We’re going to work a little, travel a little. Kanye frickin’ West is here! So stick around. Oh, and hey kids, why not smoke a cigarette during the commercial break. Because we’re back!

A New Kyle: Season 44 Episode 1

…..Kyle Mooney

…..Joe Fryer

…..Carson Daly

…..Pete Davidson

…..Lorne Michaels

…..Beck Bennett

…..Alex Moffat

…..Wendy Williams

…..Kenan Thompson

…..Kid Cudi

…..Chris Redd

…..Heidi Gardner

…..Aidy Bryant

…..Adam Driver

…..Melissa Villaseñor

[ Kyle is walking through the city. ]

Kyle Mooney voiceover: [ Cut to Kyle approaching NBC Studios. ]

So we’re back at SNL.

[ Cut to Kyle walking through the building. ]

Which is great.

[ Cut to Kyle opening the door for Studio 8 H. ] [ Cut to Kyle sitting facing the camera and speaking out loud. ]

Kyle Mooney: It’s my sixth season. Sometimes I still feel like people don’t know who I am.

[ Cut to closing sequence of a previous SNL episode. Camera darkens out the hosts in the foreground and brightens a small Kyle clapping from behind mixed in with the rest of the cast. ]

Kyle Mooney voiceover: At the end of last year I thought maybe…

[ Cut back to Kyle facing the camera. ]

Kyle Mooney: …it’s finally happening. But then, this summer happened..

[ Cut to Joe Fryer on NBC News. ]

Joe Fryer: SNL’s Pete Davidson has confirmed [ Cut to Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande posing for photos at the VMA’s. ] that he and singer, Ariana Grande, are engaged.

[ Cut to Carson Daly on the Today Show. ]

Carson Daly: Ariana and Pete’s announcement of their engagement…

[ Cut to three Instagram photos of Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande. ]

Female Voiceover: They’re engaged!

[ Cut to Pete Davidson coming out of an elevator as Kyle Mooney approaches from the hallway to the right. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Ah, L-Dog, this year’s gonna be lit.

Lorne Michaels: Get in here, brother. [ Lorne and Pete hug. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Love you man.

Lorne Michaels: Love you, too.

KYLE MOONEY: Hey Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: Oh hey, Hey Kevin. [ Lorne Michaels walks past Kyle and down the hall. ] [ Cut back to Kyle Mooney speaking to the camera. ]

KYLE MOONEY: I feel like this year I gotta make a statement.

[ Cut to Kyle looking in the mirror]

KYLE MOONEY Voiceover: So I’m gonna change things up a bit.

Female Hairdresser: Okay you sure you want to this? [ The hairdresser walks over and wraps a haircutting cape around Kyle. ]

KYLE MOONEY: Yeah.

Female Hairdresser: Here we go. [ The hairdresser turns on an electric razor and approaches Kyle’s hairline. ] [Cut to black screen. ]

Female Producer Voice: Kyle to the floor please. Kyle.

[ Cut to SNL set. Beck Bennett and Alex Moffat are standing on set as Kyle Mooney approaches them now with short blonde hair like Pete Davidson’s. Kyle is also wearing clothes like Pete’s. ]

BECK BENNETT: Kyle?

KYLE MOONEY: Haha, what up.

BECK BENNETT: Why you so late man?

KYLE MOONEY: Why does it matter bro? I was just doing my thing. [ Kyle brings a rolled joint to his mouth and inhales. He then exhales onto Beck who backs away and swats the smoke from his face. ]

BECK BENNETT: Stop that dude. What are you…why are you smoking?

KYLE MOONEY: By the way that shirt’s pretty lit.

BECK BENNETT: Lit?

[ Cut to the ‘new’ Kyle speaking to the camera. ]

KYLE MOONEY: I love this bro. People are finally starting to take me seriously. Now all I need is a hot celebrity girlfriend. And that’s fine by me.

[ Cut to Kyle walking into the meeting room of SNL writers. ]

KYLE MOONEY: Writers! If you guys are going to write me into your sketches. Y’all got to write my girlfriend into them, too. Come on in here baby. Y’all know my girl..Wendy Williams.

[Wendy Williams walks in carrying a picnic basket. ]

Wendy Williams: Hi everyone. Hi honey.

[ Kyle opens the picnic basket, and baby pig pops its head out. ]

KYLE MOONEY: We adopted a pig. Swag! [ Kyle makes a pumping motion with his fist, and Wendy William kisses him on the cheek. ] [ Cut to the elevators where Kenan Thompson is waiting for an elevator. Kyle and singer, Kid Cudi, come out of an elevator laughing. Pete Davidson walks up to them. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Yo, Cudi, I hit you earlier to hang out. How come you didn’t hit me back?

Kid Cudi: Oh, I guess, uh, I was just busy.

KYLE MOONEY: Yeah, yeah, busy. [ Kyle laughs and wraps one arm around Kid Cudi’s shoulders. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Yo Kyle.

KYLE MOONEY: What’s up?

PETE DAVIDSON: Why are you stealing my look and my friends? Don’t you know I have, like, mental problems?

[ Kyle pulls out a bottle of pills and shakes them at Pete. ]

KYLE MOONEY: Me too. [ Pete knocks the bottle of pills out of Kyle’s hand. Pete and Kyle start getting ready to fight. ] You wanna come at me, bro? [Kenan Thompson steps in breaks them apart.] You wanna come at me?

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah!

KENAN THOMPSON: Chill. Chill! Y’all wanna settle this..do it the ‘Saturday Night Live’ way. Cool?

PETE DAVIDSON: Cool.

KYLE MOONEY: Cool.

[ Cut to a Romanesque set where the SNL cast members are dressed in medieval costumes. Pete and Kyle are in the middle of their circle in battle outfits getting ready to fight. ] [ Cut to Chris Redd drinking from an old mug. ] [ Cut to Beck Bennett observing the room. ] [ Cut to Heidi Gardner eating a banana then tossing the peel. ] [ Cut to Pete licking his lips and standing across from Kyle surrounded by the other cast members. ]

Aidy Bryant: Gentleman choose wisely. [ Aidy presents a choice of weapons. Pete chooses the sword. Kyle chooses the ball and chain. Pete and Kyle begin to circle around each other. ] [ Cut to Adam Driver standing from the balcony overlooking the scene. ]

Adam Driver: Guys, guys, guys, guys. As host of this show, I think I have to ask you to not do this. [ Adam is shot with an arrow into his leg. ] Jesus!

[ Cut to Beck holding a bow after he shot the arrow. ]

BECK BENNETT: You don’t belong here.

[ Cut to Adam Driver limping off the balcony with the arrow stuck in his leg. ] [ Cut to Melissa Villaseñor. ]

MELISSA VILLASEÑOR: Now, fight! [ Melissa hits a gong with a mallett. ] [ Cut to Kyle and Pete circling each other holding their weapons. ]

KYLE MOONEY: I’m going to enjoy this.

[ Pete lowers his sword. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Why are we doing this man? I don’t want to fight you.

KYLE MOONEY: Really?

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah, man. We’re friends.

[ Kyle sighs with relief. Then Pete thrusts his sword into Kyle’s chest. ] [ Cut to Heidi looking shocked. ] [ Cut to Chris looking shocked. ] [ Cut to Pete releasing his sword and Kyle stumbling backwards. Kyle slips on the banana peel that Heidi had thrown aside earlier. ] [ Cut to Pete smirking. ] [ Cut to Kyle sitting up holding the banana peel with the sword still in his chest. Kyle laughs. ] [ Cut to Beck Bennett laughing. ] [ Cut to Aidy and Melissa laughing. ] [ Cut to Pete hesitating a smile then giving in to laughter as he looks around the room. ] [ Cut to Kyle continuing to laugh. ] [ Cut to Pete mockingly imitating Kyle slipping on the banana peel. The rest of the cast continues to laugh in the background. ] [ Cut to Pete and Kyle facing the camera and talking. Kyle is back in his regular haircut and clothes. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Well, um, it looks like we’re friends again.

KYLE MOONEY: Yeah. And I guess I learned that it doesn’t matter what you look like or how popular you are. It’s just about having fun.

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah. Hey, what’s that? [ Pete points to nothing on Kyle’s chest. Kyle looks down at his finger, and Pete flicks him on the nose. Kyle flinches. Pete laughs. Kyle begins to cough and spit up blood, and his chest wound opens up and begins to bleed. ]

KYLE MOONEY: Doctor says I’m going to die a little later.