Tag: Aidy Bryant

Mike Pence Impeachment Strategy Cold Open

Mike Pence … Beck Bennett

William Barr … Aidy Bryant

Rudy Giuliani … Kate McKinnon

Mike Pompeo … Matthew Broderick

Mr. Schiff … Mikey Day

Ben Carson … Kenan Thompson

President of Finland … Alex Moffat

[Cut to Mike Pence, Rudy Giuliani and William Barr in a meeting]

Mike Pence: Rudy, attorney general Barr, thank you for joining me. As you know, this impeachment farce is growing worse by the day. And now, a second whistle-blower is coming forward.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: And it’s all happening during my busy season – Halloween.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Where is the president, Mike?

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: He has more important things to deal with. He’s meeting with an alligator breeder about filling a moat at the border.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: You should have told me. I know a couple of gators from when I lived in the central park zoo.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Rudy, we need to get ahead of this story before it spirals out of control. Did you see those text messages they uncovered?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: What! They totally exonerate us.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Really? What do they say?

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Well, this one says, “I think we should stop texting about the crimes and maybe tell the crimes over the phone that the crimes don’t leave little crime footprints.” See, it’s all taken care of.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: I can’t believe that. I’m supposed to be seeing the new Judy Garland movie with mother.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr:  You worry too much, Mike. Presidents get impeached every 30 or 40 years. Now, come on, relax, have another glass of milk.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Well, it’s 5 somewhere. [Mike Pence drinks milk in a whiskey glass]

[Assistant walks in]

Assistant: Mr. Vice President, secretary Mike Pompeo has returned from Greece and is here to see you.

Mike Pence: Oh!

[Mike Pompeo walks in]

Mike Pompeo: Hey, good to be back.

Mike Pence: Mike, weren’t you subpoenaed by congress?

Mike Pompeo: I was, but I think I bought myself a little time.

[Cut to the chairman Mr. Schiff]

Mr. Schiff: This meeting of the house intelligence committee will now come to order. Pompeo. Pompeo. Pompeo.

[Cut to a doll of Mike Pompeo]

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: Listen, I’ve been asking around and I think that this whole impeachment thing could be really bad.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Who told you that?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: Like, America.

Rudy Giuliani: Not according to this Breitbart office poll that says 121% of people want Biden impeached.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Maybe we should listen to Mike. After all, he is secretary of—

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: State, I think? Honestly, I don’t know anymore. My ID just says Big Mike.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: That’s right. The only original cabinet member left in Ben Carson.

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Did somebody say my name?

Mike Pence: That’s okay, Ben. This isn’t your job.

Ben Carson: Okay. But I’ve been sitting in my empty office for like three years. Does anyone know what my job is supposed to be?

William Barr: No idea. Anyone? I don’t know.

Ben Carson: Even if somebody could give me my password to my computer, that would be a great help.

William Barr: You know what? I better show Mr. Carson out.

Mike Pence: But you’ll be back, right? We’re in the middle of a crisis here.

William Barr: Oh, for sure, 100%. See you soon.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Rudy Giuliani: Listen, guys, we’re going to be just fine. We need to close ranks, you know? Like the mafia.

Mike Pompeo: Uh, yeah, except the mafia was like, smart. They didn’t go on Fox News and tell people crimes before they did them.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, that reminds me, I promised Hannity I would go on his show tonight. I better get into my stage make up so I look less– While I’m going, you guys should get your stories straight. Okay? Something like how hunter Biden started pizza gate or how this can all be traced back to Takashi 69. Whatever the worst idea is, text it to me so the feds have a record. I’ll be back.

[Rudy Giuliani leaves]

Mike Pompeo: He’s probably right about getting out stories straight.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Yes, because even if they’re not straight now, they could still be converted to straight, right?

[Cut to  Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: You know, though the other thing we could do is just flee the country. There’s a whole list of countries that would love to have us. North Korea, Saudi Arabia. End of list.

[Cut to everybody]

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, who is this guy?

President of Finland: I’m the president of Finland.

Mike Pence: Oh, my god. You’re still here? From the press conference?

[Cut to President of Finland]

President of Finland: Yes. Mr. Trump kept screaming and then he just walked off and I did not know if it was over or what.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: You can go. You’re going to go.

[Cut to President of Finland]

President of Finland: Well, I did want to say, the concept of diplomacy is very important.

[Cut to Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: Oh, that’s cute. Hey, you know what? [Cut to everybody] I’m going to walk this guy out. So, what’s Finland like? I mean to live in.

President of Finland: It’s nice.
Mike Pence: Wait. You’re coming back, right, Mike? Because if things go bad for Trump, then I’m president.

Mike Pompeo: Oh, yeah, yeah, that’s great, that’s going to work out just great. I can’t wait for that to happen. And hey, impeachment moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around, might miss it.

[Mike Pompeo leaves]

[Cut to Mike Pence alone in a room]

Mike Pence: Wow, it looks like I’m here all alone.

[Assistant walks in with a basket]

Assistant: Actually, sir, Stephen Miller wanted to talk to you.

Mike Pence: Oh. Fantastic.

Assistant: Here he is.

[Assistant opens the basket, a snake comes out]

Mike Pence: Oh, thanks for coming by, Stephen. Do you have any way out of this impeachment? [Snake whispering] Oh really? [Snake whispering]  Biden, corruption? Okay, uh-huh. Get Nicholas Cage to steal the constitution and blame it on immigrants? Do you really think that will work? [Snake whispering] God, he’s good. He’s good.

[Assistant walks in]

And speaking of good, Rudy Giuliani is back from his appearance on Fox News. He’s still in stage makeup.

[Rudy Giuliani walks in with The Joker make up]

Rudy Giuliani: I killed on Hannity.

Mike Pence: Did you say killed?

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right, and I’ll kill again.

Mike Pence and Rudy Giuliani: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Kaylee, Crystal & Janetta

Mikey Day

Kaylee … Aidy Bryant

Janetta …Kate McKinnon

Crystal … Cecily Strong

Jean … Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Gerald … Beck Bennett

[Starts with a clip of Buddy’s State Line Bar]

[Cut to the bar. There are two ladies yelling at other people.]

Mikey Day: Hey, hey, hey, I know you all are regulars but you’re getting too rowdy, okay? And your friend is dancing too wild, [Cut to Kate McKinnon Dancing wild on the jukebox] all right? I’m getting complaints.

Kaylee: Oh, okay. What is this, the Ritz-Carlton? What’s wrong with Janetta? What’s up with you, Janetta?

[Cut to Janetta]

Janetta: I met by my ex-boyfriend.

[Cut to three ladies]

Kaylee: What? That’s the only kind of good boyfriend there is.

Crystal: Ex.

Kaylee: So, which one?

[Cut to Janetta]

Janetta: Gerald. From the guitar center.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Kaylee: Oh, the one we all slept with and now hate.

Janetta: Yeah.

[Cut to everyone]

Kaylee: Oh, Jenny! Where have you been?

Jean: Hell, good! [Cut to Janetta and Jean] My brother Tren just got out of three nights’ prison, left the police to seat middle at in the yard he had planned with. He did a big old surprise with a dynamite.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: Sheet metal is no doubt.

[Cut to Janetta and Jean]

Janetta: I tried to throw a piece of sheet metal on my ex-boyfriend. And I guess wind got underneath it, blew that sucker, bow, right back in my face.

Jean: Screw him. You don’t need no man. None of us do. Look at us. We want love? We can find it.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: Easy.

Kaylee: Oh, yeah! Piece of cake.

[Cut to Janetta and Jean]

Jean: Don’t say nothing about cake to me today.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: Why, Janey girl?

Jean: I tried to get a cake today [Cut to Janetta and Jean] at Walmart. They wouldn’t write on it what I wanted on it.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: What you want on that cake?

Kaylee: Oh, yeah! Piece of cake.

[Cut to everybody]

Jean: A threat?

[A man walks by. The girls are checking him out.]

Kaylee: That’s Gerald from the guitar center.

Jean: He got some nerve, walking in here looking like sex on a stick on his tight jeans.

[Cut to Gerald drinking beer at the bar]

Janetta: You know what? I don’t are. [Cut to the ladies] I’m not bothered by him at all.

Crystal: Yeah, me neither.

[Cut to Gerald]

Gerald: Hey, ladies.

[Cut to the ladies. They are yelling at Gerald.]

[Cut to Gerald]

Gerald: Um, soak it in ladies. Take in all my sexy. It’s not my fault y’all fell in love with this. I would too.

[Cut to the ladies]

Crystal: No, don’t even try to smooth this over.

Gerald: Hey, I told you, [Cut to Gerald] monogamy wouldn’t work in my world.

[Cut to everybody]

Gerald: Girls, I’m sorry. But I want to give this piece of trash a whole mess of pain.

[Other ladies are hooting for her]

[Cut to Jean and Gerald]

You act like I said bad things, okay? I miss you. You smell so good, it’s like menthol cigarettes and bar lines. Which one of us do you like best? Please say me. [Jean punches Gerald] Well – Kaylee, your turn.

[Cut to everyone. Jean takes the seat and Kaylee walks to Gerald]

Kaylee: Okay, I hope you live through this.

[Other ladies hooting for her]

[Cut to Kaylee and Gerald]

Did you get my email? Where I gave you my work schedule with all my little lunch breaks? Because I was hoping we could squeeze out a little quicky during one of those times. Because I miss your beefy fingers.

[Kaylee hits Gerald with a bottle on his head]

But yeah, yeah, [Cut to everybody] I hope that this gives you a headache just for all the ones you gave me.

[Janetta walks to Gerald]

Janetta: All right. This is my turn. [Other ladies hooting for her]

[Cut to Janetta and Gerald]

Hey, act like I’m choking you. Remember when we walked out on the dock? And you said, “Look.” And I did. And it was the – and I laughed about it. And you kissed my laughing open mouth? Well, I want that back, man. You’re dead to me. [Janetta hits Gerald with a bullseye board] Crystal, finish him off.

[Cut to Crystal bringing up a guitar to hit Gerald]

Crystal: Yeah. Yeah! [Crystal hits Gerald with a guitar and breaks it] Oh. Hey. Hey. You remember what we talked about the night you left me? I changed to my mind, okay? I will give you a backstage pass. Now get lost and stay there.

[Cut to everybody]

Kaylee: We showed his ass ladies.

Crystal: That, we sure did.

Janetta: To sisterhood.

Jean: Well, I got to get out of here. I got a date with your son.

Kaylee: Okay, have fun. Tell him I folded his laundry.

[Ends with a video clip of Buddy’s State Line Bar]

Cut for Time Tampax Secrets

Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Chris Redd

Beck Bennett

[Starts with a scene in classroom]

[Bell ringing]

Teacher: Okay, everyone. Settle in. I just wanted to cover a few things before we get started.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Psst. Do you have a, you know, a tampon?

Aidy Bryant: Oh, heck yeah.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: No, not here. Someone will see.

Aidy Bryant: Relax, no one’s gonna know.

[Aidy gives Phoebe a piece of poop]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Is that a piece of dog poop?

Aidy Bryant: Open it.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: What do you mean open it?

Aidy Bryant: Just look inside.\

[Phoebe takes the poop and opens it]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: There’s a tampon in here.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah. But they won’t know. They’ll just see the poop.

[Cut to Tampax commercial video]

Narrator: Introducing Tampax secrets. The only tampon hidden inside other things you’d rather take out of your bag in public.

[Cut to classroom]

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey, do you have a, you know?

Aidy Bryant: Sure do.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Is that a dead mouse?

Aidy Bryant: I don’t know, open it.

Melissa Villaseñor: Okay. Wow, so discreet. Thanks girl.

Aidy Bryant: uh-huh.

[Cut to Tampax commercial video]

Narrator: Tampax secrets does all the hiding for you. With our wide variety of less embarrassing than a tampon designs. Like, brick of cocaine, baby doll, Tuna Melt From Subway, naked picture of your mom, respectfully folded confederate flag, truck nuts, handful of lose white dreads, extra strength activia, signed copy of mind comf, real bomb, human skull and a dead fish. [Cut to the classroom] So you can feel confident no matter who’s watching.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Well, out flow is here. [In loud voice] Better take this piece of dog poop to the bathroom.

[Cut to Chris Redd confused]

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Yes, queen.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Beck Bennett]

Chris Redd: She was so confident.

Beck Bennett: I like that.

[Cut to the ladies]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh, I had a regular tampon in my bag all along.

[Phoebe Waller-Bridge takes the tampon out. It is blurred in the video.]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Wait, why is this blurred?

Narrator: Tampax secrets, ask your boyfriend to buy them.

Another What’s Wrong with This Picture

Elliott Pants … Kenan Thmopson

Gina … Aidy Bryant

Theo … Kyle Mooney

Carrie … Phoebe Waller-Bridge

[Starts with What’s Wrong With This Picture intro]

Announcer: It’s time to play What’s Wrong With This Picture?

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to the host, Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Welcome back to another edition of What’s Wrong With This Picture? I’m Elliott Pants. Let’s play. Rules couldn’t be simpler. You look at the picture. You tell me what’s wrong with it. The winner takes home a lifetime supply of Trojan Lils. Trojan Lils, because your’s still does what the big ones do. Let’s meet our contestant Gina.

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Hi, I Gina.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: I just said that. Theo.

[Cut to Theo]

Theo: Armed and ready to play.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Armed? That worries me. Carrie.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: I’m the queen looking for her king with the bling-bling.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Well, this is not a dating show. Alright. Let’s take a look at our first puzzle, shall we?

[There is a cartoon picture of boys playing basketball with a football]

Who can tell me what’s wrong with this picture? Take a hard look, guys. Something in this picture isn’t quite right.

Gina: I know.

[Cut to Gina]

Elliott Pants: Gina.

Gina: Something gay happened in the last play. And now it’s weighing on the whole game.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: What does that mean? No. Theo.

[Cut to Theo]

Theo: I hate to say this but the score is 0 because number 12 is slow. Not with legs. Up here.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: My god, no. Look at player number 10.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: Oh, I see. There’s no crack in the booty. The poop goes out the front.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Stop it. Something shouldn’t be there.

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Oh, number 3 is Ellen DeGeneres. And she’s going to miss her show. But she doesn’t care, because Ellen lives to hoop.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Look at number 10. Look at his ball.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: Ew, you look at it if you like it so much.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: It’s a soccer ball. All right, let’s see the next picture.

[There is a cartoon picture of a teacher and a student]

Theo.

[Cut to Theo]

Theo: Check it. The teacher’s his dad. He knows he’s being doubt-fired. He just don’t know where it goes from here.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: For the love of—just look, what do you see there?

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: The Viagra is kicking in. The teacher tricked him.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Who are you people?

[Cut to Theo]

Theo: Oh, I know. Teacher is explaining the difference between Harvey Weinstein and Aziz Ansari. The student doesn’t want to hear about it anymore.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: I know the answer. Teacher let one rip. And it sounded like sentence. It feels rude not to say something back.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: The doorknob is on the same side as the hinges. I feel like you’re doing this on purpose. All right. Next picture, please.

[Chere is a cartoon picture of a woman sitting in front of an open refrigerator with a saw in it]

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: He posted a death threat on Facebook. Now, she’s just waiting for the lights to roll in.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: There’s a saw in the fridge.

[Cut to Theo]

Theo: I know. Someone’s talking to her about evolution, but she’s closing her ears. I didn’t come from no chimp. I’m god’s lil’ guy.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: There’s a saw in the fridge.

[Cut to Gia]

Gina: I would like to solve the puzzle. She’s letting the dog lick her under the table. But don’t worry, it’s a stray so it’s not awkward.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Okay. One more [There’s a picture of an astronaut with the US flag, but there’s another moon in the sky] but then we’re taking you straight home.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: There’s two moons.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: I can’t believe it. That’s right.

Carrie: And girlfriend, that suit does nothing for you body. Let us see your ass.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Honey, your brain is bad.

[Cut to Theo and Carrie]

Theo: I love that you said that. I’m taking you to the makeout room. I’m going to grab some Trojan Lils.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: This is not a dating show. This has been What’s Wrong With This Picture. We got to start vetting these people. That’s what I feel.[

[Ends with an outro]

Love Island

Grace … Cecily Strong

Bella Rosa… Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Charlie … Alex Moffat

Siobhan … Chloe Fineman

Finlay … Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Mackenzie … Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Love Island intro]

Announcer: It’s Love Island, the UK reality station that America is obsessing over. It turns out they also have 100% pure grade trash just like us. Let’s meet the Islanders. 

Grace: I’m Grace. I’m 22 in Liverpool. Yes. But if I were in the states, I’d be 41.

Bella Rosa: I’m Bella Rosa from Essex. My dad is a boxer and my mom is a pub. Just got my lips done. I asked the doctor for an allergic reaction.

Charlie: Hello, I’m Charlie. I’m from murder suicide, England. I’ve got two more years for my face to catch up to my liver.

Siobhan: I’m from part of Ireland where the soil is bones.

Finlay: Call me Finlay. I’m from Scotland but I’m also Italian. So, my father is basically the scariest guy you’ve seen in your life.

Chris: I’m just looking for a lady, like a cheap one, for the rest of my life.

Mackenzie: They call me Mackenzie. And I’m looking for the perfect guy, because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me.

Announcer: Watch the hottest people from the worst towns immediately couple up with someone based on nothing.

[Cut to Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: I would like to couple up with a guy who’s exactly my type on paper. He’s got tattoos. He’s got really great banter. He’s proper fit. But at the same time, I would go with anybody. So, you.

Chris: Hi.

Bella Rosa: Oh. You’ve got great hair.

Announcer: You’ve heard an English accent. You’ve heard an Irish accent. Now, hear all the little weirdies in between.

[Cut to Grace]

Grace: [In strong accent] He crackin’ on with her, and I’m like, I’m getting proper pied off.

[Cut to Finlay]

Finlay: [In strong accent] Aye, I’m straight scunnert with the jobbies.

Mackenzie: What?

Announcer: That’s right, they don’t even understand each other. Tune in as they face challenges like getting up from a beanbag. [Cut to Mackenzie struggling to get up from a beanbag]

You will watch 50 hours of this. You think you won’t, but you will.

[Cut to Grace]

Grace: I’m really looking forward to sleeping with all my new friends. And I might even get in the Wee cuddle.

[Cut to Mackenzie]

Mackenzie: It was awful to watch.

Announcer: You’ll invest in vulnerable moments like when the girls take their makeup off.

[Cut to Mackenzie and Sioban]

Sioban: You know, I put so much bronzer on I think I might be dong brownface. Is this a hate crime?

Mackenzie: That’s not bad, is it? Look really different without me make up on ‘cause of the contour.

[Cut to Sioban]

Sioban: She’s a really nice girl, but I think her face might be a thong.

Mackenzie: What?

Announcer: At any point someone may be forced to leave the villa and turn in their giant microphone.

[Cut to Finlay]

Finlay: This bird and I got great crack. She’s got a great personality. But mostly of all the girls here, she wore the smallest bikini. For a person I would like to couple up – Grace.

[Cut to Grace and Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: I knew it, I knew it. I knew it.

[Cut to Mackenzie]

Mackenzie: You’re my best friend in the world.

[Cut to Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: Hopping spit in my face. I’m absolutely gutted. [phone chimes] are you joking? 10 million instagram followers. I don’t have to be a stupid prediatric nurse anymore, do I? Cha-ching.

Announcer: Love Island now available on Hulu. We got this, and “The Handmaid’s Tale”.

Roadside Museum – SNL

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

Joanne Batting … Cecily STrong

Reese … Woody Harrelson

Linette … Aidy Bryant

P Ryan … Mikey Day

Huntington Booth … Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Sun’s Out Nevada intro]

Announcer: You’re tuned in to Sun’s Out Nevada. Thank you, guys.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Kyle Mooney in their set]

Heidi Gardner: Welcome back. Weather and traffic are just ahead. Spoiler alert – there’s neither.

Kyle Mooney: And later, author Dav Pilkey joins us to chat about his new children’s book, “Captain Underpants: Rise of Hershey Squirt”. Excited to pick his brain.

Heidi Gardner: But first, time for “Jo on the Go” with our roving reporter Joanne Batting who live on interstate 15 with her yummiest scoop yet.

[Cut to Joanne Batting]

Joanne Batting: Thanks, guys. Well, in between Los Angeles and Las Vegas, a new attraction will offer road trippers a cheesy photo op. The world’s biggest Cheeto Museum has it’s grand opening today. And I am here now with the proud owners, the hotter family.

[Hotter family joins Joanne Batting]

Reese, Linette, and their son P Ryan. Congrats on your big day. Now Reese, you first had the idea for all this five years ago. How does it feel to look at that gigantic Cheeto today? Besides hungry.

[Reese laughing]

Reese: Well, you’re quick. That’s why you’re on TV and I own the Cheeto. Anyway, it’s a dream come true. It took a lot of work. And our entire savings to buy the Cheeto and build the museum. But today I think it’s safe to say it was worth it. Right, sweetheart?

Linette: Sure.

Joanne Batting: Lynette, are you as excited as your husband?

Linette: No.

Joanne Batting: Now, P. Ryan, I got to ask. How do you keep from eating this thing?

P Ryan: I actually get that question a lot. And I always say, you know, I wonder if they ask people who work at the Louvre if they want to eat the Mona Lisa. You know?

Joanne Batting: Well, no, because it’s a painting and not a giant Cheeto.

P Ryan: Right. Yeah. But it’s kind of the same thing.

Joanne Batting: It’s not. But later on, the Cheeto will be measured by this judge [Huntington Booth joins Joanne Batting] from the Guinness book of world records, Mr. Huntington Booth.

Huntington Booth: Dr. Huntington Booth. And I must say this Cheeto is spectacular. I once saw a 40 foot hot dog that took my breath away. And I am getting a very similar feeling from Cheeto.

Joanne Batting: Exciting stuff. Okay, we’ll see you soon for the official measurement, Mr. Booth.

Huntington Booth: Dr. Booth.

[Huntington Booth storms out]

Joanne Batting: Well, it’s almost 9 o’clock. Is it time to officially open the museum for the fist time?

Reese: It sure is. Oh, boy. Son, you want to turn on the fan?

P Ryan: Yes. All right. Fans are on, dad.

Reese: Ladies and germs, the world’s biggest Cheeto museum is officially open for business. God bless you, Cheeto. I love you. Whoo!

[The giant cheeto bursts out because it fell into the fan]

[The screen is smoky because of cheetos dust]

[Cut to Heidi and Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Uh, a little hiccup over at the world’s biggest Cheeto museum.

Heidi Gardner: Everything okay there, Joe?

[Cut to Joanne and Hotter family]

Joanne Batting: Yeah, everyone’s okay. Except for the cheeto which fell into the fan. Well, we were supposed to take the Guinness world record measurement here. That still happening?

[Moving to Huntington Booth]

Huntington Booth: No.

Joanne Batting: Right! Well, not the best grand opening. How you doing Reese?

Reese: Bad.

Joanne Batting: Mm-hmm. Do you have any sort of backup plan?

Reese: No, we were all in the Cheeto.

P Ryan: I just want to say that all new businesses go through growing pains and I actually think this Cheeto can be fixed.

Joanne Batting: Well, it can’t.

P Ryan: I still think people will come on down.

Joanne Batting: They will not. Now, Lynette, what’s next for you?

Linette: Divorce.

Joanne Batting: Makes sense. I would do the same. We’ll be right back.

[Ends with Sun’s Out Nevada outro]

Inside the Beltway – SNL

Denise Craw … Aidy Bryant

Walter Dale… Woody Harrelson

Connie Brasheres … Cecily Strong

Quincy Maddox … Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Inside the Beltway intro]

[Cut to Denise Craw in her set]

Denise Craw: Good morning and welcome to Inside The Beltway where we look at what’s happening up in Washington. I’m Denise Craw. Joining me as always are [Cut to Walter Dale] Walter Dale from the Forth Worth Star. From the Dallas Morning News, [Cut to Connie Brasheres] Connie Brasheres. And the chair of [Cut to Quincy Maddox] African-American Studies at Rice University, Quincy Maddox. Wow, [Cut to everybody] it’s been a historic week as the house launched an impeachment inquiry into the president. [Cut to Denise Craw] It’s really shaking Washington up. Hasn’t it, Walter?

[Cut to Walter Dale]

Waler Dale: It sure has. I’ve got to say, this feels like a real turning point in the Trump presidency.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: You know, it’s gratifying to see our system of checks and balances finally working the way it intended.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Ain’t nothing gonna happen.

[Cut to everybody]

Denise Craw: Hey.

[Cut to Walter Dale and Quincy Maddox]

Walter Dale: Quincy, come on. You have to admit there’s something about this Ukraine story.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: You know, it’s amazing. The American people seem to understand the gravity of it right away.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Yeah. I see that. But ain’t nothing gonna happen.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: You know, I don’t know. It actually seems the president is in real trouble here.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: Yeah, you know, Ukraine is likely to be one of many reasons cited in the articles of impeachment. I mean, this is not his first offense. Okay? I mean, remember what happened five months ago. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Inside the Beltway video bumper]

[Cut to a woman giving her speech]

Woman: We believe that no one above the law, including the president of the United States. And we believe that the president of the United States is engaged in a cover-up.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: And there you have it. The full Mueller report is out, and it cites ten instances of obstruction. It’s really shaken Washington up, hasn’t it, Walter?

[Cut to Walter Dale and Quincy Maddox]

Walter Dale: It has. You know, this feels like a real turning point in the Trump presidency.

[Cut to Qunicy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Ain’t nothing gonna happen.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: Okay. Wow, I forgot about that last part. But we all must acknowledge that the Mueller report is but one stain on an already tarnished presidency.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Uh-huh.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: I mean, there’s also the Genueflecting to murderous dictators.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Word.

Connie Brasheres: Calling white supremacists very fine people.

Quincy Maddox: Come on.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: And lying about hush money to cover up an affair. For real? What an adult film star.

[Cut to Walter Dale and Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Oh, damn!

Walter Dale: And this new story about Trump telling the Russians he didn’t care about election interference.

Quincy Maddox: Oh, snap. Well, if that’s true – ain’t nothing gonna happen.

Walter Dale: Quincy, please. This Ukraine episode is a clear a violation of the oath of office, and there are transcripts.

Quincy Maddox: Uh-oh. Here come the transcripts. Because if there’s one thing Americans love, it’s reading.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: And keep in mind, impeachment gives congress more powers than they previously had. Adam Schiff says, and I quote, “The big club has been brought out”.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Oh, snap. Adam “The Hammer” Schiff said that? Well, that’s all you had to say.

[Cut to Walter Dale]

Walter Dale: Quincy, you know how this works. It happened in Watergate. It can happen again. First they send out the subpoenas.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox listening to Walter eating popcorn]

Then there’s hearings. Quincy. Quincy. Quincy, stop.

[Cut to Walter Dale and Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: No, no, no. Tell me what’s next.

Walter Dale: Please put down the popcorn.

Quincy Maddox: Okay.

Walter Dale: Thank you. Now, and don’t forget about this whistle-blower who has agreed to testify before congress.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: A whistle-blower? Oh, he going to go missing.

[Cut to Walter Dale and Quincy Maddox]

Walter Dale: What?

Quincy Maddox: Nothing.

Walter Dale: Well, unlike you, I have faith in the process. The system might take a while, but it is working.

Quincy Maddox: Oh, it’s working. For Trump. ‘Cause ain’t nothing gonna happen.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: Well, Mr. Maddox, in life sometimes people surprise us. Okay? And I think it’s possible that some republicans are about to have a moment of moral clarity.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Oh, you do, do you? Now, let’s roll that clip from 2016.

Denise Craw: Okay. I’m the host.

[Cut to Inside the Beltway video bumper]

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. [Cut to another video of Donald Trump] He’s a war hero ‘cause he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured. Okay? I hate to say. [Cut to another video of Donald Trump] You ought to see this guy. “Oh, I don’t know what to say. Ah!” Grab them by the (beep). You can do anything.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: Wow, just appalling. I don’t think I’ve heard any man talk like that.

[Cut to everybody]

Walter Dale: It’s revolting. It feels like a real turning point in the Trump candidacy.

Quincy Maddox: Mm-hmm. He gonna win.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: But I believe – I believe that the arc – I believe that the arc of the moral universe is long but it bends towards justice.

[Cut to Walter Dale]

Walter Dale: Hear, hear.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: Well said, Denise.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Well said. Indeed, he gonna win again.

[Cut to everybody]

Denise Craw: Go to commercial. Go to commercial.

Impeachment Cold Open – SNL

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

William Barr… Aidy Bryant

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump Jr… Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Kim-Jong Un… Bowen Yang

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Don King… Kenan Thompson

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Liev Schreiber

[Starts with a clip of White House]

[Cut to Donald Trump in his office speaking on the phone]

[Cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Get me Rudy Giuliani on the phone.

[Cut to split screen. Donald Trump is on left, Rudy Giuliani is on the ride side of the screen.]

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, hey Mr. Trump. What’s new?

Donald Trump: What do you mean what’s new, Rudy? I’m being impeached. It’s the greatest presidential harassment of all time I would know. I’m like the president of harassment.

Rudy Giuliani: You got to relax Mr. Trump. We’ve got nothing to worry about. Nobody’s going to find out about our illegal side dealings with the Ukraine.

Donald Trump: Good.

Rudy Giuliani: Or how we tried to cover up those side dealings.

Donald Trump: Great.

Rudy Giuliani: Or how we plan to cover up the cover up.

Donald Trump: Rudy. Rudy, where are you right now.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani. He’s in CNN live show.]

Rudy Giuliani: I’m on CNN right now. I’m going to put you on speaker.

[Cut to split screen of Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.]

Donald Trump: Rudy, get out of there and whatever you do stay off the phone. [Cut to Donald Trump] I got another call. Okay. Who is this?

[Cut to William Barr in his office]

William Barr: It’s Attorney General Barr.

[Cut to split screen. Donald Trump on left, William Barr on right.]

Donald Trump: Will, I’m really starting to worry.

William Barr: Well, stay calm. Mr. President. I know things look bad right now but I got our top guy on this.

Donald Trump: Good. Well let’s get him on the phone too.

[Cut to screen split into three. Donald Trump on left, William Barr in the middle and Rudy Giuliani on right.]

Rudy Giuliani: Hello.

Donald Trump: Dammit! Not Rudy!

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, hey Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Rudy, you’re not still on CNN, are you?

Rudy Giuliani: Of course not.

Donald Trump: Good.

Rudy Giuliani: I’m on the Joe Rogan party.

Donald Trump: Rudy, hang up the phone and get out of there. [Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and William Barr]. Will, you know I’m going to need somebody to take the blame for this.

William Barr: Yeah, but where are you going to find a sacrificial Patsy that don’t do anything you say, not it.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry, I’ve got the perfect stooge.

[Cut to Mike Pence.]

[Phone ringing]

Mike Pence: Hello.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Mike Pence.]

Donald Trump: Big Mike, how is church going? You’re still waiting on, what’s this face, to come back?

Mike Pence: You mean Jesus sir?

Donald Trump: Yes, that’s the guy. Listen, I’m just calling you about this whole Ukraine whistle blower thing. It’s looking pretty bad for you.

Mike Pence: For me? But you’re the one who broke the law.

Donald Trump: Hey, wait a minute. Don’t try to drag me into your mess. Hold on Mike, I’m getting a call from the boys. [Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump on left and Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. on the right.] Hello.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad. It’s your sons.

Eric Trump: And Eric.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad. I just can’t believe the lame stream media is focused on you and not on the corruption of Joe Biden’s son.

Donald Trump: I know. By the way did you take care of that thing in Russia for me.

Donald Trump Jr.: [Laughing] What thing in Russia?

Eric Trump: [Laughing] The treason!

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric!

[Call waiting beeps]

Donald Trump: Hang on boys I’m getting a very important call from the Chairman.

[Cut to screen into two with Donald Trump and Kim Chairman Kim-Jong Un.]

Chairman Kim.

Kim-Jong Un:  What’s up?

Donald Trump: Thanks for getting back to me. I need some advice. How do you handle a whistle blower?

Kim-Jong Un:  Oh that’s easy. You have a big ocean in your country.

Donald Trump: Yes.

Kim-Jong Un: Okay. Send whistle blower to the bottom of them.

Donald Trump: Oh, wow. I wish my country was as cool as your country. [Phone ringing] Hang on hang on I got to take this.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Kanye West.]

Kanye, how have you been my man?

Kanye West: A lot better bro, actually. Remember those pills I were supposed to take. Hah? It turns out I’m supposed to take them every day. Can you believe that?
Donald Trump: That’s good. That’s good.

Kanye West: But actually, the reason I’m calling you because I don’t think we can be fam no more, fam.

Donald Trump: What? Why not?

Don King: Give me that phone. [Don King walks into Kanye] Only in America.

Donald Trump: Don King. Oh, don’t tell me you dudes are partying without me. Is Rodman there? And Tyson too?

Don King: Yeah. We were just having an emergency meeting at the black market. And, we all decided that this whole impeachment thing is hurting our brand.

Donald Trump: Oh don’t bail on me now. I need my Urban’s. Kanye, just tell me who you want out of jail this time. ASAP Rocky again? Or how about that little girl Teriyaki 69?

Kanye West: Look fam, we gotta go say goodbye to douche bag.

Don King: Yeah, Terrence Howard is up on the roof with an umbrella trying to prove that gravity don’t exist. Only in America.

[Cut to Donald trump]

Donald Trump: Wait. This whistle blower is starting to ruin everything for me. [Phone ringing] Hello.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Jeanine Pirro.]

Jeanine Pirro: We’re tugged!

Donald Trump: Hey, Judge Jeanine. Things are not going so great. I’m really feeling down, I could really use a pep talk.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, Mr. President, you have come to the right place. Who’s my special beautiful boy?

Donald Trump: I am

Jeanine Pirro: Who makes every woman’s eyes pop out of her skull and go, “Oh God”?

Donald Trump: I do.

Jeanine Pirro: Damn right you do cause you’ve got dumbs like a truck, truck. And thighs like what, what?

Donald Trump: Thanks. I really needed that this whistle blower thing is just– it just won’t go away.

Jeanine Pirro: Well if you really want someone to go away, you know who to call.

Donald Trump: Right, that’s genius. [Cut to Donald Trump] I’ll call him right now.

[Cut to screen split into to with Donald Trump and Liev Schreiber.]

Liev Schreiber: Hello.

Donald Trump: Yes. Is this Ray Donovan?

Liev Schreiber: Excuse me?

Donald Trump: Ray Donovan the fixer. The guy who takes care of stuff. Wink wink.

Liev Schreiber: I told you Mr. President. Ray Donovan is a fictional character. I’m Liev Schreiber, the actor.

Donald Trump: Of course, right. I knew that. But if you can’t do it, can you connect me with John Wick?

Liev Schreiber: He’s fake. He’s fake too Mr. President.

Donald Trump: What about Liam Neeson?

Liev Schreiber: Oh, actually Liam might do it.

Donald Trump: Fine. That’s good. I’ll get him, problem solved. And live New York it’s Saturday Night.

Downton Abbey Trailer – SNL

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a man riding a motorcycle towards a castle.]

Mikey Day: Is this Downton Abbey?

Beck Bennett: Yes.

Mikey Day: A letter.

[Beck Bennett opens the letter and gets shocked]

Beck Bennett: Wow.

[Cut to Alex Moffat reading the letter]

Alex Moffat: The kind and queen are coming Downtown.

Cecily Strong: Here? But this is a castle.

Kate McKinnon: Well, we’ll never pull this off.

Narrator: The beloved television show is now a feature film. And it’s mostly cleaning.

Beck Bennett: We only have 80 servants. Butlers, underbutlers and valets. It’ll never get done in time.

Aidy Bryant: How long do we have?

Beck Bennett: A year and a half.

Narrator: Were the stakes in the show always this low? I guess they were.

Woman: Your hair is so modern.

Cecily Strong: Do you like it?

Woman: Yes. “Exciting for the people who like the show”, raves the “Boston Globe”.

Bowen Yang: Miss, we found mud.

Cecily Strong: Where?

Bowen Yang: At the bottom of the lake.

Alex Moffat: Good. That’s where mud goes.

Narrator: “I absolutely love this film”, say all moms.

Cecily Strong: I need your help.

Beck Bennett: No–

Cecily Strong: Hah?

Beck Bennett: Problem.

Narrator: “So soothing I was on the back of my seat”.

Aidy Bryant: We’ll serve bread. Long breads. Butter. Chicken meat. Slurpers. Nibbles. Little bad cakes. Twice murdered pigs. And of course Chicago style deep dish pizza.

Narrator: “Feels like watching the sun set on white people as a whole”.

Woman: I’m happy.

Cecily Strong: Blimey.

Beck Bennett: Blimey.

Alex Moffat: Your majesties. Welcome to Downton Abbey.

Narrator: This has been an ad for ‘The Joker’. It’s not perfect but at least stuff happens. In theatres now.

Apple Picking Ad – SNL

Debra Chickum … Aidy Bryant

Sister … Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

Melissa Villaseñor

Chris Redd

Hank … Woody Harrelson

[Starts with a video clip of an apple tree]

Debra Chickum: It’s fall and that’s apple picking season.

Sister: So come down to Chickum’s Apple Farm.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Debra Chickum: I’m Debra Chickum.

Sister: And I’m her sister.

Debra Chickum: Every year thousands of families visit our pick your own apple farm for their share of fall fun.

Sister: Located in the part of New York state that has confederate flags.

Debra Chickum: Why pick apples? Just ask any of our satisfied customers.

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen Yang: I never picked apples before, but now I have. I had fun, I think.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: It was cute. Far but cute. A lot of bees.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: I stepped in a Gopher hole and broke my foot. But my girlfriend had fun.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Sister: For just $45 you can bring home $10 worth of apples.

Debra Chickum: Select from our varieties like huge soft.

Sister: Tiny hard.

Debra Chickum: Green.

Sister: Orange.

Both: And apple.

Debra Chickum: What our apples lack in flavor they make up for in on the ground.

Sister: They get the deers drunk.

Debra Chickum: You’ll pick apples under the watchful eye of our farmhand hank.

Sister: He’s a troubled man who came with the land. And we pay him in dentistry.

[Cut to Hank]

Speaker 6: Hi. I’m Hank. I will take you to the one tree that’s working this year. Our apples are best during a very specific window of time. And whenever you come you just missed it.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Debra Chickum: Still not feeling picky?

Sister: Listen to this satisfied customer.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: My girlfriend picked an apple so wrong, she pulled the whole branch off the tree and now Hank says we owe three grand.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Sister: We have a petting zoo.

Debra Chickum: Tell them, Hank.

Speaker 6: We found some animals, and now they’re in prison. You can pet them if you pay me. We have goats, sheep. Also got donkey rides. Did you know donkeys can be depressed? The other day I head him say, ‘Stop’. Just like that. ‘Stop’. She’s like Eeyore with a plan.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Sister: But hey, we ain’t just apples.

Debra Chickum: We got peaches in theory. Cherries in theory and strawberries in the theory.

Sister: And don’t pass up our cider donuts.

Debra Chickum: They’re donuts but from yesterday.

Sister: And be sure to take home some of our penis gourds.

Debra Chickum: That’s right. They came out extra penis this year.

Sister: Want to hear more about us?

Debra Chickum: People usually don’t.

Sister: We’re unmarried sisters.

Debra Chickum: My hair’s been in one braid for 40 years and now it grows that way.

Sister: I’m 28.

Debra Chickum: It’s Halloween almost.

Sister: Do your spooky activities with us.

[Cut to Hank]

Hank: Our haunted Hayride is staffed entirely by local teen boys who take things way too far. They’re good boys, but if they pull you off the hayride, fight like hell. The masks make them behave different. Mob mentality. I have to be honest with you. They scare the hell out of me.

[Cut to Debra and her sister]

Debra Chickum: So, come. Come play outdoorsiness with.

Sister: Does our business make a profit? No.

Debra Chickum: How do we afford to live? Simple. I wrote the screenplay for ’50 first dates’ based on myself.

Sister: They changed it a lot. They did.

Narrator: Chickham’s Apple Farm. Maybe just go to the store.