Tag: Beck Bennett

Office of the Speaker of the House

William… Drake

The Speaker… Taran Killam

Dick Patterson… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

[Starts with the Office of the Speaker of the House.]

William: Mr. speaker, how was your meeting with Donald Trump?

The Speaker: Well, it went very well, William, but between me and you, he still makes me very nervous.

William: Me too, sir.

The Speaker: Yeah, bud. It is mid-May. We don’t have time to find a third party candidate.

William: Actually, sir, I think I found the perfect guy. He’s a successful businessman.

The Speaker: That’s great.

William: He worked for Reagan in the 80s.

The Speaker: Oh, fantastic.

William: And he has the body of a baby.

The Speaker: I’m sorry, what was that last one?

William: Please meet Mr. Patterson, sir.

[Dick Patterson walks in. He is a full grown man who cannot control his body well like that of baby’s. He is moving his arms and legs everywhere.]

Dick Patterson: Hello. Don’t get up. I’ll come to you. There we go. Mr speaker, Dick Patterson. Pleased to meet you.

The Speaker: Pleasure is all mine. [Dick Patterson starts licking and sucking The Speaker’s hand] Oh, okay. William here was just telling me some wonderful things about you, Mr. Patterson. Uh, would you give us just one moment please?

[The Speaker walks to the corner with William]

William: Isn’t he great? I mean, he’s fresh faced. He’s experienced. The best of all, he’s young.

The Speaker: Yeah, exactly. How young is he? He’s 5The Speaker and nine months. And we’ve already done a thorough background check.

Dick Patterson: Oh, don’t worry. You won’t find any skeletons in my closet.

The Speaker: [reading Dick Patterson’s files] Alright, well let me take a look here.

[While Dick Patterson is reading the file, Dick Patterson cannot see his face covered by the file.]

Dick Patterson: Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is.

[Dick Patterson raises the file again]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is.

[Dick Patterson raises the file again]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is. He keeps disapp–

[Dick Patterson raises the file]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lower the file]

There he is. Found him.

The Speaker: Well, this all looks great. Now, Mr. Patterson. As you know, Donald Trump is technically our nominee, but uh, many people think we’d be better off putting a Turkey on the Supreme court.

[Dick Patterson laughs like a baby]

Dick Patterson: Very funny. Listen, I would be honored to represent this party. [Dick Patterson has his hands moving everywhere] I’m pro-life. I’m pro family and I’m pro guns. I’m actually carrying right now. [Dick Patterson shows a gun in his left hand which is moving everywhere. William and The Speaker are scared.]

The Speaker: Sit down. No, no, no, no, no.

Dick Patterson: Fair enough.

The Speaker: Now before this conversation can go any further, we’re going to need you to sign this confidentiality agreement.

Dick Patterson: Oh, sure. Yeah. Just put it on the floor.

[Dick Patterson lies down on the floor]

[The Speaker puts the papers on the floor]

Alright. Let me take a look at this.

[Dick Patterson is looking at the paper]

Alright.

[Dick Patterson signs the papers very roughly]

All set.

The Speaker: I’m sorry, William. I just don’t know if this, we’ll call him man, is ready to be president.

William: Trust me sir. He’s committed. He’s passionate. He’s a hard worker. I mean, look how hard he’s working to get back onto his butt right now.

Dick Patterson: Look. I did it. [clapping for himself]

William: Speaker, I know we’re probably going to go with Trump, but Mr. Patterson would be an excellent backup. He’s tough. He’s prepared. And he’s, he’s, he’s taken off.

[Dick Patterson opens his pants. He’s wearing a diaper.]

Dick Patterson: Okay. There we go. That’s better.

William: Sir, sir, sir. You can just go ahead and put your pants back on if you will.

Dick Patterson: When I don’t want pants.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Mr. speaker. Sorry to interrupt. You have a two o’clock with Reince Priebus.

[Dick Patterson walks to Cecily]

Dick Patterson: Oh wow. Look at that hair.

[Dick Patterson starts pulling Cecily’s hair]

Cecily: Thank you.

Dick Patterson: Yeah. Really great hair. I love this.

[Cecily is in pain]

Cecily: Thank you so much.

[Cecily gets Dick Patterson’s hands off her hair]

Wow. Quite a grip you’ve got there, Mr. Patterson.

[Cecily leaves]

William: He may have the body of a baby, but his hands are much bigger and stronger than Trump’s if I had to say.

The Speaker: Oh, William. Well, Mr. Patterson, I guess I just have one question left for you. Do you actually want to be president? Think really hard about it.

Dick Patterson: Hmm. [thinking] Yes I do.

William: Alright, you’re our best option, so bring it in.

[William hugs Dick Patterson. Dick Patterson starts kissing William’s face]

Oh, that’s not what we– Oh, okay. I just asked for a hug, but this is fine too. He must be hungry and he’s trying to latch onto me.

The Speaker: [frustrated] It was great meeting you, Mr. Patterson. Enjoy your lunch.

Dick Patterson: I’m gonna eat peas.

[Dick Patterson crawls out]

[The End]

Car Rental

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Malcom… Drake

Duan… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Vanessa and Beck entering the car rental]

Vanessa: Honey, there’s no line.

Beck: Amazing. Babe, I can’t wait to Gasper rental and spend our honeymoon driving down route one.

Vanessa: Oh, it’s going to be so beautiful.

[Malcolm speaking on the office phone]

Malcolm: Girl. What do you mean we break it up? Well, if you’d be responding to my texts on time, maybe I wouldn’t have gone home with her. I mean how was I supposed to know she was your twin. Y’all don’t even look alike. Call me when you start to get reasonable, man. Hah! Welcome to Premium. I’m Malcolm. This day is already off the rails. Did y’all hear any of that?

Vanessa: Um, a little bit.

Malcolm: Well, you know, a little bit goes a long way when you’re talking to an ice cold bitch. So… [laughing]

Beck: I see. Okay, well we have a reservation under Dale and Jeanine Robinson.

Vanessa: Oh, we should have a prepaid Ford Mustang convertible reserved. We’re on our honeymoon.

Malcolm: [laughing] Okay. Well, uh, look, there’s good news and there’s bad news. Uh, the bad news is we got no cars.

Beck: What?

Vanessa: What’s the good news?

Malcolm: You know, there really ain’t none. I mean, I figured you might have some for me. That’s what I was looking for.

Beck: This is ridiculous. Can you get your manager?

Malcolm: Oh, for real? So we bring it into that level now. All right partner, for you I’m gonna see what I could do. [Malcolm just looks at the manager’s door and turns back] Yeah, he ain’t available.

Vanessa: You just turned and faced the manager’s door.

Beck: Please get your manager.

Malcolm: If you say so. [Malcolm picks up the phone] Duan. I’ve got this couple up here making a stink man. I don’t know. It’s this beautiful bustin woman, but she with this done ass man right here. I don’t know what she’s doing with him. He must be packing some meat or something sugar.

Beck: Excuse me.

[Duan walks out of the manager’s room]

Duan: Hello, I’m Duan. Now what appears to be the problem?

Vanessa: My husband prepaid for a Ford Mustang convertible and we’re being told you have no cars.

Duan: Well, this is all unbeknownst to me. Malcom.

Malcolm: Huh?

Duan: Where are our cars?

Malcolm: Shoot. Oh man. I’m wrapped up in my own situation. You don’t. My girlfriend took a pregnancy test today and it said neither.

Duan: Ooh, Malcolm’s going through it. I’m gonna go take an early lunch.

[Duan turns around and starts walking away]

Beck: Excuse me. Can you just get us our car first?

Duan: No, I needs to eats my turner. All right. That is good for my hair and you know, I like to keep my hair on point. Look at me. I’m breautiful

Malcolm: Yeah. You know, Duan had the alopecia until he went to the hair club?

Duan: Don’t be telling my secrets.
Malcolm: I know bigger secrets in that.

Duan: Is that a threat?

Malcolm: I’m just saying you got plenty words to worry.

Duan: I know that’s right.

Vanessa: Where is our car?

Duan: Oh, did Malcolm not find it for you? Malcolm. Malcolm. Find them a car.

Malcolm: Ah! Look Duan there’s the zero cars in the computer, man.

Duan: Well, did you look out the window? I’m gonna go look out the window. [Duan walks to the window and looks outside] Looks like there’s a Vanessa99Beck, uh, Ford Tempo out there right now. Oh wait, that’s mine. Ooh, that looks really good from here. Shoo. I need to start appreciating what I got.

Beck: Excuse me. My wife asked you about our car.

Duan: Sir. This whole situation is unbeknownst to me. Let me look in the hinder in the computer? Malcolm, move your ass. Let me get in your station.

[Duan pressed the buttons using his pen for several times]

Oh, let’s see. Okay. Oh, here’s something. Yes, there are absolutely no cars.

Vanessa: This is our honeymoon.

Malcolm: Man. Duan, you’re going to have to take this man? I didn’t have my fill of emotion today. Boy. My uncle tried to get me to sell his RV on Craigslist. You ever tried to do that? It’s next to impossible!

Vanessa: What are you talking about?

Beck: You upset my wife.

Duan: Oh baby. Honey, this whole situation is unbeknownst to me. So I’ma tell you what I’m going to do. I will give you the keys to my Ford Tempo. And how about this for a deal? I’m going to charge you the full normal rate for 2015 Mustang convertible?

Beck: What? No.

Duan: All right. That’s fair. I guess that would make in the sense. How about this? You take my Tempo. You drop me off in my show tonight. You take some publicity shots of me on stage from my blurb. You do your little road trip and then you return the car whenever. Just fill up the tank. That’s all I ask. Here. [gives Beck the keys]

Beck: Fine! Whatever.

Duan: Happy honeymoon.

Malcolm: Happy honeymoon.

American Ninja Warrior

Matt Iseman… Beck Bennett

Akbar Gbajabiamila… Drake

Jeff Metcalf… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with American Ninja Warrior intro]

[Cut to Matt and Akbar on stage]

Matt: Welcome back to American Ninja Warrior. We just saw high school teacher, Sam Wilkins, complete the course in 2 minutes and 38 seconds.

Akbar: That’s the time to beat tonight. He breeze through the quintuple step, murdered the log roll, flew right up a warp wall and then conquer the salmon ladder.

Matt: You know it. Coming up next is competitor with the very moving story.

[Cut to intro video of Jeff]

Jeff: Hi, I’m Jeff Metcalf. I’m 4Akbar years old and I’m from the beautiful town of Beasley, Texas. Well, it used to be beautiful before the tornado. It leveled everything. Lots of good people lost their homes and that’s when I decided I had to do something. I had to give back. So I use the scraps of wood from what used to be my house to build an obstacle course and what used to be my garage. I just wanted to show the good people easily that even when the chips are down, if you work hard and you put your mind to it, anything is possible.

[Cut to Matt, Akbar and Jeff]

Akbar: Wow. Jeff, you’ve been through a lot.

Jeff: This isn’t about me. I’m doing it for the people that Beasley.

Matt: And I see some of your friends and neighbors are here tonight to cheer you on.

Jeff: Yeah, there they are. There’s my peeps! [waving hand] Hey guys!

[Jeff’s people cheering for him.]

Matt: Okay Jeff, are you ready?

Jeff: I am no longer Jeff Metcalf. I am Captain Tornado. [Jeff puts on his super hero mask] And I’m doing this from my town.

Akbar: Okay. Captain Tornado, go get him. As a reminder and he’ll have to beat Sam’s time for the qualifying round.

Matt: That’s right. How have you been by the way?

Akbar: I’m depressed. No reason really.

Matt: Well, you hide it great. Let’s see if captain tornado will be our next American Ninja Warrior. [Time starts] And he’s off. [Jeff falls into the water in his first jump] and it’s over for Captain Tornado.

Akbar: That was not a good outing for Jeff.

Matt: Let’s take a look at the slow-mo. He completely miss judged where the first mat was.

Akbar: It was almost as if there was absolutely no communication between his brain and his body.

Matt: Now let’s take a look at the reaction of his fans. If you watch closely, you can see the hosts slowly draining from their faces.

Akbar: I mean, any respect that they had for Jeffhas now completely vanished and that’s got to suck for them. They put their eggs in the wrong basket.

Matt: Absolutely. [Jeff walks in] All right Jeff. So, what do you think happened out there?

Jeff: I did bad. I fell down.

Matt: You sure did.

Akbar: But Jeff, because we were so moved by your story, we have a little surprise for you. We decided to give you a special American Ninja do-over.

Jeff: Really?

Matt: That’s right. So use what you learned on your first run and apply it to this one.

Jeff: I will. I won’t let you down on this time. I’m going to do it for Beasley.

Matt: And he is focusing up.

Akbar: Look at the intensity on his face.

Matt: He’s not going to let this rare second chance slip away.

[as time starts, Jeff jumps on the first mat, slips and falls into the water again.]

Oh, he flew again.

Akbar: It’s almost as if his heart is in the right place but his body is absolute junk.

Matt: Maybe naming yourself after the thing that destroyed your town wasn’t the best choice.

Akbar: Well, let’s look at the slow-mo. I expected him to look a little more disappointed. I mean, he almost looks happy.

Matt: I hate to see it, but I think that’s an IP face. And here he comes grappling up the stage. [Jeff walks in] Jeff, how did that feel?

Jeff: Not good.

Matt: Are you embarrassed?

Jeff: Do over. I was not ready. My shoes were wet. And I think that thing’s broken.

Akbar: No, Jeff, unfortunately we don’t have time. I’m sorry.

Jeff: I have to do this for my peeps, please.

Matt: Oh, they’re long gone, Jeff. They’re outta here. Take a look.

Jeff: I don’t care. I got to do this. I’m doing this for Beasley.

[Jeff just runs and tries to go through the track again. But then, he falls in his first step again.]

Matt: Wow. He just tried to run across the water.

Akbar: What a do. And just a reminder, he did this for his town.

Matt: He lost his dignity, and he also lost pants.

[Jeff comes out of the water without pants.]

Akbar: That tornado destroyed their home that this tornado destroyed their spirit and showed its penis. We’ll be right back with more American Ninja Warrior.

[The End]

Johnny Shadow

Chris Fitzpatrick… Kyle Mooney

Scott Thurman… Beck Bennett

C.C. Toxic… Brie Larson

[Starts with three band members recording themselves]

Chris: What’s up Kickstarter. I’m Chris Fitzpatrick.

Scott: I’m Scott Thurman.

C.C. Toxic: And I am C.C. Toxic. And we are…

All: Discree Annihilation.

Chris: Bitch!

[cut to video clips of their band playing metal music]

[Cut back to the recording]

Chris: And we want you to donate $750,000 so we can record out 5 track debut E.P..

Scott: Put our worldwide tour.

C.C. Toxic: And produce our web exclusive feature length film…

All: Johnny Shadow.

Chris: So, who are we? Discreet Annihilation is a brand new band that was formed this summer. We are all whites but do black-style raps and combine it with actually good music like electric guitars. Scott’s dad used to be a train conductor. Boy does he got some stories to tell. Now, you might be saying…

C.C. Toxic: “We get it. You guys are definitely not corporate clones and you actually make good ass music. Did you say something about a movie?”

Scott: “Yeah! It’s called Johnny Shadow, right? Sounds revolutionary. What’s it all about?”

Chris: Johnny Shadow is about renegade living in a future society run by the evil Dr. Conformity. Most movies are boring, romantic little bitch, brainwash bubblegum. This movie’s different. Johnny is very creative with his lyrics, and he rides a blue motorcycle. What am I doing talking so much? Let’s watch the exclusive preview.

[Cut to the preview. Chris is being approached by the corporate music producers.]

[Scott and C.C. Toxic wearing suits and mask]

C.C. Toxic: You must join us Mr. Shadow. Wear these named branded clothes and become a mainstream slave.

Chris: No way. I’ve got another idea.

[rock music playing]

[Chris shoots the corporates with a machine gun]

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Scott and C.C. Toxic open their masks]

C.C. Toxic: [sigh] Thank you, Johnny. We’re not corporate drones anymore.

[Cut to video clips of police cars blowing up.]

[Cut back to the recording]

Scott: And now for your da-da-da-da-Donation Rewards!

Chris: For $10, you’ll get a digital download of the album and we’ll post a picture of you on our band’s official Instagram account.

Scott: $25, you’ll get one of my hand-drawn funny cartoon character families. [showing the hand drawn picture] The Fooblers. Plus, the Instagram pic and digital download of our album.

C.C. Toxic: For a $1,000, you get the Fooblers drawing, the download Instagram tag and a Discreet Annihilation Identification card which allows you to fly yourself out and be our intern.

Chris: For $5,000, you get the ID card, the Fooblers drawing, the digital download, tagged Instagram, autographed baseball and [a picture of Chris on a dining table holding a rose appears] a dinner date with your’s truly. Hey, I don’t discriminate, except if you gotta be a skinny stripper.

Scott: And last but not least, as a contributor at our executive zombie level for $100,000, you’ll get the Fooblers, download, gram, baseball, snickers bar, ID, bandana, dinner date and we’ll send you a personalized rap ty C.C. Toxic using your name.

[Cut to C.C. Toxic’s rap]

C.C. Toxic: C. Tox coming after you, bout to attack you, Kevin!

[Cut to the recording]

Chris: Thank you. Maybe this will put you over the edge.

[Chris puts on the sun glasses]

Scott: What is that?

Chris: It’s Johnny Shadow.

[The End]

Game of Thrones- Jon Snow

Tormund… Bobby Moynihan

Edd… Beck Bennett

Ser Davos… Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Brie Larson

Melisandre… Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Jon snow… Pete Davidson

[Starts with the intro of The Game Of Thrones]

[Cut to the scene where Jon Snow is dead and his body is lying.]

Tormund: Well, Jon Snow is dead.

Edd: Yes, he’s dead for good. But he might be the heir to the iron throne.

Ser Davos: Oh, well. Not anymore. Because of how dead he is.

Tormund: What should we do with the body? Bury him?

Ser Davos: No. I think with this one, we just leave him out for a few days on this slab so that everyone can see how dead he really is.

Edd: Boy, he is dead.

Tormund: He is the deadest.

Ser Davos: Dead… for sure.

Cecily : Oh, my god. This is so slow.

Brie : Just bring him back to life already.

Cecily : Yeah. We all know it’s gonna happen. Just do it.

Ser Davos: No, it is not going to happen because he is super dead. On a scale of one to ten, he is like a ten of dead.

Edd: Totally, Ser Davos. But wait. Does Jon Snow have to be…

Ser Davos: Have to be what?

Edd: Have to be dead?

Cecily : No! He doesn’t. So let’s wake him up and pop on a horse and fight someone or something.

Brie : Yeah. Because we only get ten hours in a year, people. We spent two in this room.

Cecily : Yeah, right now we’re doing [gesturing stretching with her hands] this and we need to be doing [gesturing running fast with her hands] this.

[Melisandre walks in]

Melisandre: Hello. It is I, Melisandre. Remember? With thousand year old posts?

Ser Davos: Melisandre, seeing you gives me an idea. Can you bring Jon Snow back to life with your magic?

Melisandre: Hmm, maybe. Let me think about for a full ten minutes.

Ser Davos: And while you think, let’s stare both traumatically.

[close cuts to Ser Davos and Melisandre staring here and there]

Cecily : Holy crap. I mean, you guys must feel how slow this is.

Brie : I mean, what is this? A play? Let’s go do something. Our world is so cool. We have giants, we have dragons, we have quidditch.

Cecily : Oh, that’s Harry Potter.

Brie : Oh, whatever.

Ser Davos: I have done plenty of exciting things with my life. Remember last year when I learned to read?

Cecily : No. Actually I went to the bathroom during all those scenes.

[Kenan  walks in]

Kenan : Move aside. I’m here to see Jon Snow. I heard he’s alive again.

Cecily : No. They still haven’t done it.

Brie : He’s still on the slab.

[Kenan  looking at the body]

Kenan : [squeaky voice] Whaaaaat?

Melisandre: Okay. Update. I have decided to do my magic. But a warning. It only works if it’s done very slowly. First, I must wash his body. That’s part of the magic for sure.

[Jon Snow wakes up]

Not yet.

[Jon Snow dies again]

And maybe not ever, my magic may not work. This is real edge of the seat kind of thing. And now, what everyone has been waiting a year to see. I shall cut his hair.

[Jon Snow wakes up]

Not yet, kid!

Jon Snow: [whispering] Sorry.

Melisandre: And now I throw his hair into tiny little fire, one strand at a time.

Kenan : [yelling] Pick up the pace, woman!

Melisandre: Never mind the pace. I’m sure they’re cutting away to King’s Landing or something while I do all this boring stuff.

Cecily : No, no, no. They’re not. They’re staying on us.

Brie : Yeah, they’re showing us. This all in real time.

Melisandre: Wait, they are? A-yai-yai. Abraka-dabra. You’re alive.

[Jon Snow wakes up]

It worked. What a twist.

Brie : Finally.

Cecily : Come on, out to the good stuff.

Jon Snow: I miss my family. Take me to Bran. I wanna see what Bran’s up to.

All: No!

[The End]

Dead Bopz

Bing Crosby… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a hologram of Bing Crosby sitting on a sofa]

Bing Crosby: [singing] Tu-du-du-du.

Hello there. I’m Bing Crosby. Crooner, actor, and did I mention I’m [singing] du-bi-du-bi dead!

So, how am I talking to you now? Through the magic of holograms of course. Thanks to this exciting new science from the 90s, we can recreate great artists from the past and make them sing the songs of today. Introducing Dead Bopz. Featuring performances like this from Mr. Roy Orbison.

[Cut to video clip of Roy Orbison singing ‘Sorry’ by Justin Bieber]

You can find that more on this great compilation disc right here.

[Bing Crosby is trying to hold the disc but he can’t as he’s just a hologram]

Do you like Rihanna but wish she was actually Eartha Kitt?

[Cut to video clip of Ertha Kitt singing ‘Bitch Better Have My Money’ by Rihanna]

And we’ve got over three more. Paul Robeson was one of the great singers and civil rights leaders of his day. We used to compute him and make him sing Trap Queen.

[Cut to video clip of Paul Robeson singing ‘Trap Queen’ by Fetty Wap]

Quick, somebody give that hologram a holo-Grammy! Not my joke, guys. I’m just laser beams. And there’s more. Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo, more like Ginger Rogers feat. Fred Astaire.

[Cut to Ginver Rogers and Fred Astaire singing ‘Give me everything’ by Pitbull. They sing and then start tap-dancing.]

And of course, Selena Gomez. As sung by the Selena Gomez of the 50s.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant dancing and singing ‘Hands to myself’. There’s are a lot of glitches.]

Still working out the case. Just ignore that while America’s sweetheart Leslie Gore throws down this ratchet club banger by miss Nicki Minaj.

[Cut to video clip of Leslie Gore singing ‘Dance Ass’ by Nicki Minaj]

[Bing Crosby’s hologram is drooling at Leslie Gore]

And of course you can’t mention singing holograms without Tupac showing up. Here he is with his hardcore response to all the haters out there.

[Cut to video clip of Tupac singing ‘Shake it off’ by Taylor Swift.]

Male voice: Dead Bopz.

Bing Crosby: Bye!

[Bing Crosby’s hologram disappears]

[The End]

Brie Larson Monologue

Brie Larson

Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Brie Larson.

[Brie Larson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Brie Larson: Thank you. Thank you so very much. Hey everybody, it is so wonderful to be here. As I hope you all know tomorrow is Mother’s Day. So it’s fitting that I’m hosting tonight because I played a very strong mother in a movie every kid should watch with their mom on Mother’s Day called ‘Room’. Don’t do that. The movie is pretty intense. 10 minutes, and my own mom went to go get popcorn and just never came back. Speaking of my mom, she’s here tonight. [Cut to Brie’s mom in the audience] Happy Mother’s Day, mom. Are you excited for the show?

Brie’s Mom: Yeah, I love Alicia Keys.

[Cut to Brie Larson]

Brie Larson: Okay, cool.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hey Brie, sorry to interrupt. I forgot it was Mother’s Day tomorrow. Do you mind if I do special message for my mom?

Brie Larson: Oh, yeah. Of course Beck, yes.

Beck: Thanks. [looking at the camera and putting his arm around Brie’s shoulder] Hey mom, so this is the girl I’ve been telling you about. See? I told you she’s real. And a girl.

Brie Larson: [removing Beck’s hand from her shoulder] Maybe not that.

Beck: Oh right, sure. And, um, happy Mother’s Day. I love you.

Brie Larson: We’re not dating Beck.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Good looks and a sense of humor. You look out there babe, I’ll be waiting in the dressing room. [whispering] Ask here where, oh!

[Beck leaves]

Brie Larson: For the record, miss Bennett, I am not dating your son. But since it’s Mother’s Day, if anyone else has a message for their mom, come on up.

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: Oh, I do Brie. Is that okay?

Brie Larson: Sure. Go ahead, Bobby.

Bobby: Hey mom, do me a favor. Get the remote, go in my room and record all seasons of Vanderpump Rules. Thanks mom. Happy Mother’s Day. I love you.

Brie Larson: You live with your mom?

Bobby: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I pay rent.

[Bobby walks out and Pete walks in]

Pete: Hey Brie, um, my mom’s watching tonight. So do you mind if I said something?

Brie Larson: Um, Pete, we’re kind of running low on time now.

[Pete’s mom walks in]

Pete: Oh, okay. Okay mom, Brie Larson said she doesn’t have time for you.

Brie Larson: Oh-okay. Okay, Pete. I didn’t know that your mom was right there. Of course, hi, happy Mother’s Day. Say something.

Pete: Oh. Happy Mother’s Day, mom. I love you.

Brie Larson: It’s so sweet that you brought you mom tonight.

Pete: She comes, um, every show.

[Pete and his mom walks out]

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Hey Brie, can I bring my mom up here?

Brie Larson: Of course.

Kate: Come on, ma.

[Kate’s mom walks in]

Kate: Brie, loved you in the movie ‘Short Term 12. She just wanted to meet you.

Kate’s mom: Well, who doesn’t like a good Brie?

Kate: She wrote that.

Brie Larson: Ha-ha, yeah. [Kate and her mom leave] Oh, it’s my turn. Mom, can you please come up here?

[Brie’s mom walks in]

You’ve been so supportive to me over the years. Endless words of encouragement. And as a token of my appreciation, I got you a front row seat to the hottest show in New York.

Brie’s mom: Hamilton?

Brie Larson: No mom, no. This show. And we’ve got a great one. Alicia Keys is here. So stick around. We will be right back.

Woodbridge High School Showcase

Aidy Bryant

Fred Armisen

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

David Larry

Kyle Mooney

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with students introducing their showcase]

Aidy: Welcome everyone to Woodbridge High School Student Theatre showcase.

Fred: Written and directed by us, the students.

[the audience are clapping]

Aidy: Now, before we begin, a warning. Tonight’s show is rated R, for reality check.

Fred: And now, please enjoy, America the beautiful?

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. All the performers enter the stage. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Lights turn on]

Aidy: Ma’am, what’s this?

Kate: That’s the iPhone 6s with 128 gigabytes.

Aidy: Yes. [to next person] Sir, what’s this?

Taran: That’s the new iPad Pro with 12.9 inch display.

Aidy: Yes. [to next person] And sir, what’s this? [showing a flower]

Fred: I don’t know.

Kyle: How about less tech-nology

Beck: And more nature-nology.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to David, Vaness and Kenan]

David: What? That’s all the show?

Vanessa: No, no, no. The program says it was scene 1 of 85.

David: Oh, yeah. No, I’m not sitting through 85 of these.

[David walks out]

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Kate: We all know what regular people buy at regular grocery stores.

Kyle: But what do rich people buy at rich grocery stores?

Kate: Let’s find out now.

Beck: [facing Taran] One Hollywood body please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep.

Fred: [to Taran] One innocent verdict, please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep.

Aidy: One general election please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep. Wow!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: You know what sucks? The cast party is at my house. Last year they stayed up until 6 AM just complimenting each other.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Kyle: I have xeca. Cough, cough.

Kate: I have ebola. [sneeze]

Aidy: I have malaria. Malayr-malayr.

Fred: But in high-school, do you know what spreads faster than all of these?

[They start whispering on each other’s ears]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: It’s gonna be gossip.

[Cut to the stage]

Taran: It’s gossip.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Kenan: No, doy!

Vanessa: Look at this. The program says this show is dedicated to Prince.

Kenan: Yeah, but then they have a picture of Michael Jackson on the back.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Beck: Honey, where’s your prom date? I cannot wait to meet him.

Aidy: Actually, it’s not a him. It’s a her.

[Kate jumps in]

Kate: We’re lesbians.

Everybody: That’s good.

Kate: Nice to meet you, Emily’s dad.

Beck: Actually, I’m not her dad. I’m her mom. I’m transgender.

Everybody: That’s good.

Aidy: And this whole time, none of us were white. We were Asian.

Everybody: That’s good!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: These kids blow. What do they think this is even gonna lead to?

Kenan: Actually, they all just in in NYU.

Vanessa: Oh! Ew!

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Aidy: I have a story. [the other performers start humming] It’s about my little brother. His name is Jackery, but I don’t call him that. I call him hero. Because he has special needs. Doctor said we would need to help him but the funny thing is, he is the one who helped us. And that’s why now, I spell hero with a capital Jackery.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: What? She is my only child. Also, she calls me the R word like everyday.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Fred: For this scene we need a volunteer. How about you in the front row, [Cut to Kenan] pretending to read a tiny book.

Kenan: Who, me?

[Cut to the stage]

Fred: Yes, you. Get up here. Now, we all love to watch violence on TV.

Kate: Band!

Taran: Punch!

Beck: Hit!

Fred: But what happens when we’re confronted by something as simple as the human body?

[Kenan walks to the stage and sits]

Kenan: Oh, no.

[The performers walk to Kenan one by one]

Aidy: My vagina.

Kate: My nipples.

Taran: My scrotum.

Beck: My penis and my brenium.

Aidy: My libia majora.

Kyle: My anus.

Fred: Tell us, sir. Did that make you uncomfortable?

Kenan: Uh, yeah! Coz you’re all kids.

Everybody: Wow!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing.]

[The lights turn on]

Fred: Thank you all for coming to our show.

Aidy: Please stay seated for two hour Q&A amongst ourselves.

[Fred raises his hand]

Aidy: Yes you.

[The End]

Escape Pod

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Din… Fred Armisen

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of a space ship flying in the space. Subtitle says Andromeda Galaxy, year twentyfifty.]

[The space ship is broken and fire breaks down]

[Cut to four people panicking in the ship]

Taran: Ah! The evacuation. Great work finding that maintenance tunnel willow.

Beck: We’re too late. There’s only one escape pod left. Why didn’t they wait for us.

Taran: Half the ship is torn apart in a solar storm, Donar. It’s safe to assume they thought we were all dead.

Cecily: Well, one escape pod fits one person. So, who gets to live?

Taran: Alright. [opens his bag] Throw your ID badges in here. I draw your’s, you get the escape pod.

Din: What happens to everybody else?

Cecily: They stay here and wait to die.

[Taran draws an ID[

Taran: It’s Din.

Din: No, you guys. No.

Beck: First fair, Din.

Din: I’m a nobody. I don’t have kids. Why should I get to live?

Taran: It’s what fate decided.

[Din goes to the escape pod.]

Cecily: When you get to that moon base, tell the other colonists what happened here today. Tell them our story.

Din: [sobbing] I will. You’re my best friends. And now, you’re my heroes.

Taran: God speed, Din.

Din: I will tell your story.

[Din presses the button]

Assisting voice: Safety restraint engaging.

Din: You guys are the best.

Assisting voice: Safety restraint engaged.

Din: The world will know your sacrifice.

Assisting voice: Pre launch checklist. Do you wish to eat during the flight?

Din: How can I think about food when my friends are about to die?

Beck: Din, it’s okay.

Assisting voice: Do you wish to eat during your flight?

Din: I mean, I want the option. It’s a long flight. There you go. [presses yes] I’m not gonna even eat it. You know? Coz I’ll be thinking of your sacrifice.

Assisting voice: Select entree from menu.

Din: [frustrated] I don’t deserve an entree. [reading the menu] Korean style chicken with spicy sobe noodles and chobani.

Taran: Hey Din, if you see my wife up there, tell her I love her.

Din: I’ll tell her more than that. I’ll tell her that her husband–

Assisting voice: Select beverage.

Din: Um, vanilla milkshake. That her husband died a hero.

Assisting voice: Make inflight entertainment selection from film database.

Din: What? I don’t think that my friends are giving their lives so I can watch a movie. [looking at the list]

Assisting voice: You selected City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold. Is that correct?

Din: Yes, it’s correct.

Assisting voice: Select seat mode. Standard, relaxed or pampered?

Din: Oh, my god! Why does it even matter? Um, pampered.

[two hands that comes out behind Din start massaging him]

Assisting voice: Activating deep issue massage.

Din: [enjoying massage] Oh, yes. I will never forget you guys. And neither will the world. Oh, that feels so good.

[the door of the escape pod slowly closes.]

[Din is saluting at his friends]

Assisting voice: Countdown to launch.

Cecily: I hope he enjoys his first class flight while we wait to die.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Wait! Wait! Oh! The blast fried the escape pod’s computers. They’re all flying directly into the sun. But I found a cargo shuttle below.

Taran: Lead the way.

Beck: What about Din?

[Cut to Din. He is enjoying his milkshake and laughing at the movie]

Taran: I’d hate to interrupt his dinner and the movie.

Cecily: Din, we’ll tell your story.

[Cut to the video clip of escape pod flying into the sun]

[The End]

New Girlfriend

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Michael… Jason Sudeikis

Regine… Fred Armisen

[Starts with four friends in a house]

Aidy: So, I’m just shoving my key in the car door and this lady walks up and she’s like, “Um, that’s my Sebaru.”

Vanessa: Oh, no.

Beck: That is hilarious.

Kyle: She’s lying. That all happened to our friend. So, where’s Michael? He’s still coming, right?

Vanessa: I hope so. This whole party was to meet his new girlfriend.

Beck: Yeah, I hope that she’s better than Jessica.

Aidy: Yea, she was the worst.

[doorbell ringing]

Kyle: Oh, there he is.

[Kyle opens the door]

[Michael and Regine walk in. Regine has a cigarette in her hand.]

[cheers and applause]

Michael: Hey, hey guys. How are you doing? I’m very, very sorry we were late but here she is. Isn’t she great?

Regine: Thanks for having us. I’m Regine.

Aidy: Well, come, sit down, Regine. We’ve heard so much about you.

Vanessa: Yeah, it’s so nice to meet you.

Regine: Oh, really? It’s nice of who to meet me? And what do you mean by ‘its’?

Michael: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, isn’t she beautiful, gang? Huh? Isn’t she? And no plastic surgery. This is all natural. This is all god.

Regine: Gods.

Michael: Gods. Gods. Yes, that’s right. I’m sorry. She’s a– Regine’s a Polytheist. You know, it’s one of the things I love about her. You know what else I love about her? 

Regine: Are you gonna give me a neck kiss?

Michael: Watch what happens when I kiss her neck. Watch this.

[Michael kisses Regine’s neck and Regine is making sexual faces.]

Did you see that? Did you see that?

Kyle: I saw something.

Michael: Yeah?

Regine: So, what were you talking about before we got here? The economic breakdown in Venezuela?

Vanessa: Oh, not exactly.

Regine: Oh, why not?

Michael: Regine is very globally conscious. You know? She has taught me so much. Watch what happens when I blow in her ear.

Regine: Dont.

Michael: Come on.

[Michael blows in Regine’s ear. Regine is shaking and shivering.]

You guys noticed anything that time? Huh?

Beck: I notice how intense my shoulders are right now.

Vanessa: We’re being rude. Please have some champagne. We are celebrating tonight.

Michael: Oh, great!

[Regine looks at the champagne bottle]

Regine: Moet? Wow! What are you celebrating? Average-ness?

Beck: No.

Michael: Hah! She’s joking. She’s joking. Regine has a very, very refined palette. As well as refined sense of humor. Watch what happens when I tickle her behind her knee. Give me that. [pulling her leg]

[Michael tickles under Regine’s knee. Regine is going crazy.]

Aidy: Is she okay?

Michael: Oh, yeah. She’s okay. She is more than okay. Her body is like a harp that I only know how to play. And only my touch is what she responds to. Yeah, there it is.

Vanessa: Okay, you know, her foot is in the guacamole.

Michael: Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. Makes it better.

[Michael eats some chips]

I’m fine with that.

Regine: Can I order drink please?

Kyle: Order?

Regine: I’ll have a Manhattan straight up.

Vanessa: Oh, I love those.

Regine: Oh, then never mind. You ruined it. Um, just a French liquor of any kind?

Kyle: We don’t have that.

Regine: Well then, you’re not ready for guests.

Michael: Sweetie. Everyone, I would love to make a proposal toast to Regine. Honey, you wanna sit on my lap doing this?

[Regine tries to sit on Michael’s lap face to face]

No, no, no. Let’s do, reverse cowgirl. There we go.

[Regine sits on Michael’s lap]

Um, and do you mind if I scratch your head, your scalp while I do it.

Regine: Oh, don’t.

Michael: Okay, here we go.

[Michael caresses Regine’s hair. She is going crazy again.]

Oh, there we go. My dearest Regine. You have opened my mind. I hope you do the same to my friends. May you continue to stimulate us. Challenge us. Astound us. And correct us. You were like a hot Monalisa and she was drawn or painted with her mouth wide open. So to that stupid little smirk that we all human beings hate, right? To Regine.

Regine: To Regine.

Michael: There you go.

Vanessa: Okay. Is there any more food? I need to get something down my throat to fight what is coming up.

Beck: Yeah, here babe. [passing some food to her] No, no, no. Here, [passing to Michael and Regine] try the flat bread pizza. This is–

Regine: Flat bread pizza? What are we in? A line at Lego Land? No, thank you.

[Regine puts her cigarette down on the plate Beck passed.]

Aidy: [standing up] Okay, you know what Regine? If you’re having such a bad time, then maybe you should just go.

Michael: [yelling] Hey! Gosh! No! Look, if you’re not capable, [pointing everybody] you, you and you, you’re not capable of appreciating how special and remarkable Regine is, then maybe we should go.

Regine: No, no, no. No. We’re not going anywhere. This night is gonna be long. And we’re gonna talk about films and books and outsider art because I’m in love with this man. So now I’m in your life. Now watch what happens when I rest my hands on his upper butt.

Michael: What are you gonna do?

[Regine puts her hand on Michael’s upper butt. Michael is acting crazy.]

[The End]