Tag: Beck Bennett

Farewell Mr. Bunting

Principal… Bobby Moynihan

Thomas Dultan… Pete Davidson

Rooney… Kyle Mooney

Mr. Bunting… Fred Armisen

Kelaw… Beck Bennett

Jay Pharoah

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Principal entering a classroom angrily]

Principal: Sit down! As you all know, Mr. Bunting will no longer be teaching here at Windermere. His unorthodox methods have done enough damage. As your principal, I’ll be taking over this class until the end of the year. Mr. Dultan, please tell me where you left off in the text book.

[Dultan doesn’t know]

Mr. Rooney, since Mr. Dultan cannot be bothered, where did you leave off?

Rooney: Well sir, we kind of skipped around a bit.

Principal: Fine! Then we will start from the beginning. Mr– [door knocking]

[Mr. Bunting enters]

Mr. Bunting: Excuse me. [Students look at Mr. Bunting] I came to collect my personals. Should I come back after class?

[The students seem upset]

Principal: Get them now, Mr. Bunting. Mr. Kelaw, continue. Please read from page one.

Kelaw: We have ripped out all the pages, sir.

[Kelaw shows the book. There aren’t any pages there.]

Jay: And turned them into hats.

[Jay shows the hat and puts it on his head]

Principal: Although, you can borrow mine. Now, read.

Kelaw: [reading] Poetry should not be fun. It should be oppressive and the reader should hate it. Poems are from hundred years ago. They were written by a bunch of dead men to punish children. [Mr. Bunting is walking with his belongings] The arts in general are for women and homosexuals. When you read a poem, you should never feel… emotion. In summary, poem stink.

[Thomas cannot help himself. He stands up.]

Thomas: Mr. Bunting, we didn’t want you to get fired. They made us sign that paper.

Principal: Sit down, Mr. Dultan.

Mr. Bunting: It’s okay, Thomas. It’s okay.

[Thomas sits down]

Principal: Leave, Mr. Bunting. Right now.

[As Mr. Bunting is walking out, Rooney stands on his desk.]

Rooney: I sing my song for all to hear.

Principal: Sit down this instant.

[Jay also stands on his desk]

Jay: I sing my song for all to hear.

Principal: I will have you both expelled if you do not sit down immediately.

[Jon stands on his desk]

Mr. Bunting, please!

Jon: I sing my song for all to hear.

[Kelaw stands on his desk]

Kelaw: I sing my song for all to hear.

[Mr. Bunting is looking at his students proudly.]

[Thomas also stands on his desk]

Thomas: I sing my song–

[Thomas’s head is chopped off by the ceiling fan.]

[All the students are terrified. There’s blood all over the classroom and everyone.]

[Everyone looks at Mr. Bunting]

Mr. Bunting: Alright, I’m gonna take off. You guys have my email and everything, right?

[No one answers. Mr. Bunting just leaves.]

[The End]

Meet and Match

Brad… Beck Bennett

Beth… Kate McKinnon

Barbara… Julia Louis-Drefus

Trevor… Taran Killam

Max… Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Jay Pharoah

Jon Rusnitsky

[Starts with people enjoying in Meet N’ Match pub]

Brad: Okay singles, looks like we got a lot of love connections tonight. Which is what match.com, Meet N’ Match is all about. We’re winding down soon so if you need any last drink tickets, come see me, your man Brad at the host table. Now, let me hear you make some noise.

[Everybody cheering for Brad]

[space ship landing sound]

[Beth and Barbara enter the pub. They’re wearing long dresses, have long hair and both their eyes are completely black. And their voices are of male.]

Beth: Hello, we are two females from this planet.

Barbara: We must find men for dating.

Beth: I am concerned. We do not look like the human women here.

Barbara: Yes, but we must succeed in dating males. That must be your focus.

Brad: I see we’ve got some singles joining us. Get up here ladies and introduce yourselves. Sorry, them’s the rules. Oh, my god! Your eyes! Dude!

Beth: Hello, I am one Beth.

Barbara: And I am the Barbara.

Brad: Um, what are you two looking for tonight?

Barbara: Adult males for dating to produce a child.

Beth: Our kind is dying. A child can restart the world engine.

Barbara: Our twin stars are dimming. Our kind is dying. We need to produce a child now.

Beth: If a child cannot undim the bistars, our world will invert into it’s mantle.

Brad: Ay…. super weird. But we need all the girls we can get. So ladies, have fun tonight.

[Beth and Barbara walk towards Trevor and Max]

Beth: Hello, we are flirting. Now we must date.

Trevor: Woah, you move fast. Ha-ha. I’m Trevor.

Max: I’m Max and your eyes are crazy, but that’s kind of hot.

Barbara: We must date now. Our kind is dying.

[Cecily and Vanessa comes in to approach Trevor and Max

Cecily: Hey guys, um, this thing’s almost done. You guys down for an after party?

Beth: No, go! These men belong to us.

Vanessa: Um, you can’t call dibs on guys.

[Beth and Barbara start making noise and Vanessa is possessed by them and her nose is bleeding.]

Cecily: Oh my god, Paige, your nose is bleeding. Paige!

Vanessa: Who is Paige? Where am I?

[pulling her friend away]

Cecily: We’re gonna sue you!

Trevor: Whoa, damn! You girls are intense.

Max: Ay, you wanna get a drink or what?

Barbara: No, there is not time. Come with us.

[Beth and Barbara pull Trevor and Max with them]

Beth: We will date in here. Our kind is dying.

[They go through the door]

Brad: Alright, FYI, there’s a large glowing crater out front so if you go outside to smoke, watch your stepperini! Ha-ha.

[Beth and Barbara come out of the door. Trevor and Max are turned into skeletons that are behind the door.]

Beth: That did not go well. They were too weak for the act.

Barbara: The act of dating turned them into bones.

Beth: Next time, we must not destroy the male.

Barbara: Yes, we learned our lesson

[two guys approach Beth and Barbara]

Jay: Ay, so we’ve been watching you two and y’all are freak.

Jon: We like that. Can we please buy you a drink?

Beth: Yes. And then give us the child.

Jay: Yeah, we can do that.

Brad: Alright, hey Matchers, if anyone knows about the two warm skeletons in the men’s restroom, please tolerate management. In the meantime, don’t be single. Mingle! Ha-ha-ha.

[The End]

Heroin AM

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

[Starts with Kate passing her kids lunch boxes]

Kate: There we go sweeties.

[the kids walk away.]

I’m a mom. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t like to have fun.

[Cut to Beck driving children around]

Beck: I drive a mini-van, but I can let loose a little too.

[Cut to Julia sitting with her kid]

Julia: I wanna use heroine, but I also wanna get stuff done. That’s I reach for [showing the box] Heroine AM. The only non-drowsy heroin on the market so I can get jacked on scag and then get to work.

[Cut to Beck in the football field]

Beck: When I’ve been called timeout to inject black tar heroin, there was almost stigma about it. But with Heroin AM, I’m almost more alert than if I weren’t on heroin.

[Cut to a video showing graphs]

Female voice: Heroin use in America is steadily on the rise. But productivity among heroin users has remained stagnant.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: That’s why Heroin AM combines heroin with five milligrams of caffein and a small pile of cocaine.

[Cut to Julia]

Julia: And now available in gummy bears which you can melt down and inject.

Female voice: Side effects include: It’s heroin, so all that stuff.

[Cut to Julia with her kid]

Julia: So now I can chase a dragon while I also chase this little guy.

[playing with her son]

I’m gonna get ya’.

[her son runs to his father]

Dad: Wow, this might be the first afternoon mom doesn’t need a nap. [laughing]

[Cut to Julia laughing]

[Cut to Julia seeing her kid and her husband as monsters laughing]

[Cut to Julia laughing like a mad person and her kid and husband looking at her concerned.]

Female voice: Heroin AM, from the makers of Cocaine PM.

[Cut to Julia on a driver’s seat]

Julia: I went from nodding off to nodding yes to more heroin. [looking at the rear-view mirror] Now who’s ready for school?

[Cut to a bus full of kids]

Kids: Yes!

[The End]

Brooklyn Democratic Debate Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Beck Bennett

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… David Larry

Arrow Louis… Kenan Thompson

Elaine Benes… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Rachael Green… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Democratic Presidential Debate intro]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Good evening and welcome to the CNN Democratic Debate live from Brooklyn, New York. i am Wolf Blitzer and believe it or not i shaved five minutes ago. Let’s meet the candidates. First up, former secretary of state, Hillary Clinton

[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking to the podium]

[cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: Hello. Hello Brooklyn. Whoo! I cannot wait to be your next president, if I’m elected of course. Not getting ahead of myself… in public. In private, I’ve been president for 15 years.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer.]

Wolf Blitzer: And Vermont senator, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. Bernie Sanders walks to this podium.]

[cheers and applause]

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes. Good for you. Good for you. I am Bernie Sanders. I am a voice for regular people. I’m not fancy. I’m not the elite. I put on my pants just like all of you. I sit on the edge of the bed and Jane pulls them up for me.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Well, thank you both for making time to be here. I know it’s hard for both of you to agree on a date.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well no. Not for me, Wolf. I offered up a date right away. I said, “How about Mapril thirty-third aploo-ploo-o’clock?”

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Wolf, I want a million debates. When people hear my message it resonates loud and clear. Because I always talk like I’m on the other side of a river.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Secretary Clinton, we’ll start with you. You recently stood by governor Cuomo as he signed a $15 minimum wage into law. So you no longer think it should be $12?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: No. Wolf, I have said from the beginning that it should be a combination of 12 and/or 15.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: No. No you didn’t. You always said 12.

Hillary Clinton: And 15. I said 12 and/or 15.

Bernie Sanders: No. That’s not true.

Hillary Clinton: [pointing at Bernie Sanders] Yes, it is.

Bernie Sanders: [pointing at Hillary Clinton and walking a step forward towards Hillary Clinton aggressively] No, it is not.

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Bernie Sanders: No.

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders start hitting each other]

[Hillary Clinton grabs Bernie Sanders by his neck and rubs her knuckle on his forehead]

Hillary Clinton: Are you feeling the Bern?

Bernie Sanders: It burns.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. Secretary Clinton, come on, let him go. Let him go.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, raising both her hands as celebrating her fight victory.]

Hillary Clinton: That’s how we do it in Brooklyn, baby. Whoo! God I love Brooklyn. Brooklyn, the only place on earth where the [whispering inaudibly] is better than the [whispering inaudibly].

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. We now have a question about black issues. So for that, we turn to our black moderator, Arrow Louis.

[Wolf Blitzer leaves and Arrow Louis walks in]

[romantic music playing]

Arrow Louis: Oh, yeah, candidates. It’s time for the black question. So you know, they asked me to do it. And I’m gonna do it real good. Here we go.

[music stops]

Secretary Clinton, in 1994, you supported a crime bill that has led to the mass incarceration of many black people. Do you regret this decision?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] I am laughing to give myself time to think about how to answer this question. Ha-ha. [thinking] Got it. Listen Wolf, the black community loves me. And I love them. In fact, I have two black people in my phone. Barack Obama and my husband Bill Clinton. God, I love Barack. We do every thing together. We’re always chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and [singing] shooting some b-ball outside of the school with a couple of guys, that they were up to no good.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Wow-wow,wow-wow. I’m gonna stop you right there. You already have the black vote. Don’t ruin it.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Wolf! Let me just say I have supported the black community since the Rachael Green0s. I marched in Selma with Martin Luther King Jr. Did I run when they turned on the hoses? Yes. I didn’t sign up for getting wet. I’m not getting sick in Selma, I’ll tell you that.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Moving on. Secretary Clinton, many have said this campaign has gotten meaner in recent weeks. Do you think you played a part in this?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, come on Wolf. I don’t have a mean bone in my body. Just ask anyone except those close to me.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Now, since we’re here in New York we thought it would be appropriate to take questions from some real New Yorkers in the audience.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Sure, sure, bring it on.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our first question comes from a long time New Yorker. She has worked in publishing and her name is Elaine Benes.

[Cut to Elaine Benes in the audience]

[cheers and applause]

Elaine Benes: Hi there. Um, yeah, I have two questions. My first is for senator Sanders.

[Cut to split screen]

Bernie Sanders: I couldn’t hear the question.

Elaine Benes: Yeah. I didn’t ask it yet, Bernie. So listen, you’ve been pretty vague in the past, but how exactly are you gonna break up the big banks?

Bernie Sanders: You mean the big bank breakup?

Elaine Benes: Yeah, big bank breakup.

[Bernie Sanders gesturing like he’s slapping it]

Bernie Sanders: I will break em’ up!

Elaine Benes: How? How?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Once I’m elected president, I’ll have nice schvitz in the White House gym. Then I’ll go to the big banks. I’ll sit them down. And yada-yada-yada, they’ll be broken up.

[Cut to split screen]

Elaine Benes: What? No! No! You can’t yada-yada at a debate! Also, you yada-yada over the best part.

Bernie Sanders: No. I mentioned the schvitz.

Elaine Benes: Okay, secretary Clinton. [Hillary Clinton appears in place of Bernie Sanders] My question for you is don’t it suck to be the only girl in a group of guys?

Hillary Clinton: [raising both hands] Yes, it does my sister friend.

Elaine Benes: Well, don’t worry because everyone thinks you are by far the funniest. I mean, the most qualified.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Then what the hell am I?

[Cut to Elaine Benes]

Elaine Benes: You’re bald.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Bernie has gotten upset!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our next question is another long time New Yorker. She works in fashion and her name is Rachael Green.

[Cut to Rachael Green]

Rachael Green: Oh. Ah-ah, yeah! So, because of the, um, the uh, uh, ya, and um, what would? Yeah.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Ma’am, that wasn’t a question. And your time is up.

[Cut to Rachael Green]

Rachael Green: Oh. Oh, great! Great!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our next question comes from a father of six. He’s a OBGYN in Brooklyn and his name is Dr. Cliff Huxtable.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders: Oh, no! No! No!

Bernie Sanders: Forget that. No.

[Hillary Clinton turns around]

I need black voters but not that bad.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. Then it looks like we have one final question, and we’re going back to Miss Elaine Benes.

[Cut to Elaine Benes]

Elaine Benes: Yea, senator Sanders, [Cut to split screen] you believe that the super rich should pay more in taxes.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Right. That’s right.

Elaine Benes: But wouldn’t that be bad for actors who made a lot of money on a certain very successful sitcom?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. So?

Elaine Benes: Well, I mean wouldn’t it be even worse for the person who created that sitcom? I mean, wouldn’t he lose a lot of money? Do you see what I’m saying?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Eee- yeah, yeah, yeah. You should vote for her.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. Elaine Benes runs in.]

Hillary Clinton: That’s me, yes. And…

Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and Elaine Benes: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

[The End]

Preparation H Advanced Gel

Jon Rudnitsky

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with two couples waiting for their table in a restaurant]

[Jon walks in]

Jon: Please follow me. Your table is ready.

[As everyone walk towards the table, Ron stops.]

Kate: You coming?

Ron: I’ll be there in a second. You go on ahead.

Kate: Okay.

[Beck is looking Ron from behind]

Beck: Hey, man. Hurts to sit down?

Ron: Ah, yeah.

Beck: Burns?

Ron: Yeah.

Beck: You need to try this.

[Beck gives Ron a small package of gel]

It’s a Preparation H Advanced Gel for fast acting relief.

Ron: And this stuff works?

Beck: Yeah. It works.

Male voice: Preparation H Advanced Gel offers maximum strength solutions fo all hemorrhoid symptoms. Don’t let pain stop you from being

[Cut to the two couple enjoying their meal at the table]

Ron: So I loosen my tie, and now I am dancing with the mother of the bride.

[Everyone laughs]

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hey, man. Did that stuff I gave you help your butt?

Ron: Excuse me?

Beck: The hemorrhoid cream I gave you at the bar. Did it end up helping your butt?

Ron: [whispering] What are you doing?

Beck: Your butt was on fire when we met.

[Beck walks away]

Male voice: Preparation H Advanced Gel. Because you’re on the move and in the groove.

[Cut to Ron and Kate dancing]

Kate: What’s got into you? I’ve never seen you dance before.

Ron: Well, you better get used to it coz I have a feeling I’m gonna be dancing a whole lot more from now on.

[Ron looks at the camera and winks]

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hey, I’ve been looking all over for you. You need any more ass cream?

[Ron’s friends stop dancing and are looking at Ron]

Ron: Dude, honestly get away from me.

Beck: I gave you a hot tip and you pretend like you don’t even know me? I saved your bacon, man! [Ron’s friends are looking at them and they are confused] Yeah Ron Head hemorrhoid problem, I do too. Bad. [Beck looks at the camera] That’s why I told Ron about Preparation H. [smiles]

Male voice: Preparation H, the re–

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Hey, Ron, come with me. I gotta put more cream on.

Ron: What?

Beck: I need you to stand in front of the bathroom door. There’s no lock on the door and a girl just walked in on me laying down on the ground with her legs over my head creaming up.

Ron: I am not doing that.

Beck: You’re my best friend.

Male voice: Preparation H. Hemorrhoids fade, friends are forever.

[Beck pulls Ron to the toilet]

Beck: Come on. Stop crapping around.

 

Pogie Pepperoni’s

Charline… Leslie Jones

Reg… Beck Bennett

AC Santano… Kyle Mooney

Nathan… Pete Davidson

Ashlyn… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Charline showing Reg and AC Santano around Pogie Pepperoni’s]

Charline: Alright, so we got the soda machines right here. We got the big prizes, small prizes. You guys, we just need you to  initial and sign this in.

Reg: Oh, sure. Yeah.

AC Santano: You got it.

Reg: Absolutely.

Charline: And congratulations. You guys are officially members of the Pogie family.

Reg: Okay. So I just got hired at Pogie Pepperoni’s, the place that practically shaped my childhood.

AC Santano: Games, the best pizza in town, and some of the most coolest people I’ve ever met. Yeah, sounds like a normal job to me.

Reg: Yeah.

[Charline is looking confused]

Charline: I have a couple of more things for you here. [Charline passes them the employee shirts] Here’s your uniforms.

Reg: Okay. My very own Pogie shirt. Coz that’s normal.

AC Santano:I’m sorry, just to clarify. That’s Pogie Pepperoni on a skateboard about to go in one of his famous adventures.

Charline: Yeah, I mean, I guess so.

AC Santano: And I imagine we have to leave these here at work?

Charline: No. You can take them home, just wash them. Make sure they’re clean.

Reg: So we can actually wear these out? Meeting new people? Coz that’s not a huge game changer in my life.

AC Santano: I’m sorry. And how much will these be costing us?

Charline: They’re free man.

AC Santano: That’s normal. Okay.

Reg: Okay.

Charline: Actually, I forgot something. I’ll be back in a sec.

[Reg and AC Santano are smiling]

AC Santano: Don’t say anything.

Reg: Why would I say anything?

[AC Santano screaming at each other]

Reg and AC Santano: Dude! This is awesome.

Reg: We work at Pogie’s.

Reg and Reg: Oh!

Charline: What’s that?

AC Santano: Oh, nothing miss Charline.

Reg: Everything in order, miss Charline.

[Charline takes Reg and AC Santano to the game section. Reg and AC Santano are wearing the staff shirt.]

Charline: Alright, here’s 20 tokens each. Y’all supposed to play the games so you’ll know about them.

Reg: Ah, excuse me. What was that last part?

Charline: Employees get tokens to play the games.

AC Santano: We’ll probably just have access to what? One, two games ups?

Charline: It doesn’t matter, dude. Play whatever you want.

Reg: Okay.

AC Santano: So, Frogie Frenzie, Rockers or Range, any of em’?

Reg: This sounds like normal work activities to me.

AC Santano: Yeah, that definitely happens at all the places we work at.

[mic speaker calling Charline]

Charline:  I gotta go deal with that.

Reg: Okay.

AC Santano: Oh, no problem.

[Reg and AC Santano are smiling]

Reg: Don’t say anything.

AC Santano: I’m not saying a single thing.

Reg and AC Santano: [To each other] Dude! This is awesome.

Reg: We’re rich.

AC Santano: Look at all these tokens.

[Reg and AC Santano walking around]

Reg: And this day officially can’t get any better.

[AC Santano slowly looks away and sees a person in Pogie costume walking towards them]

AC Santano: Please tell me that’s not who I think it is.

Reg: Um, Pogie is walking up to talk to us right now.

[The Pogie opens his Pogie head. it’s Nathan.]

Speaker Nathan: Hey, you must be the new Pogie recruits. I’m Nathan.

Reg: We are [pointing at himself] Reg and [pointing at AC Santano] AC Santano.

Speaker Nathan: Oh. I’ll try to remember that. Anyway, I got five minutes before this dumb ass three PM Pogie parade. I’ll see you both later.

[Nathan walks away]

Reg and AC Santano: See you Pogie.

Reg: Because I guess, we’re friends now.

AC Santano: Don’g freak out.

Reg: I’m not freaking out.

Reg and AC Santano: [to each other] Dude! This is awesome. We just met Pogie Pepperoni.

AC Santano: And he’s played by Nathan who seems like a really cool guy.

Reg and AC Santano: Ah!

Speaker Nathan: [from far away] Hey, are you guys cool?

Reg: Cool. Yeah, we’re cool.

Speaker Nathan: You don’t seem like it.

[Cut to Reg and AC Santano serving pizzas to the kids. Charline walks in with Ashlyn]

Charline: Reg. AC Santano.

Reg and AC Santano: Yes, miss Charline.

Charline: This is Ashlyn. The owner of Pogie Pepperoni’s.

[Reg and AC Santano’s head pop up and confetti is falling down]

[Cut to a tribute video that at the end says “Pogie’s remembers AC Santano & Reg, Employees from 2:45 PM to 3:06 PM]

Match Finder

Emerald Mike Biskane… Kenan Thompson

Lisa G… Cecily Strong

Tod… Beck Bennett

Jason… Pete Davidson

Benedict…Russell Crowe

[Starts with TV channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching Game Show Network. At 10, it’s White Jeopardy. But up now, it’s Match Finders.

[Cut to Match Finders intro]

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: Hello and welcome to Match Finders. I am your host Emerald Mike Biskane and I’m sorry I’m late but a teenager ran up behind me and punched me in the back of the head. Hope you got it to the crib, son. Let’s meet our lucky bachelorette.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Lisa: Hi, Emerald.

Emerald: Her name is Lisa G. She’s 23 years old, and she’s a lot of fun.

Lisa: Oh, um, I’m actually 33. Not 23.

Emerald: You’re not that fun either. But I’m trying to sell a lifestyle here. So, let’s meet our eligible bachelors.

[Cut to the bachelors]

Tod is an Instagram model with a glass eye.

Tod: Oh, I didn’t know you were going to read that out loud.

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: Jason is an electronic specialist at Bestbuy.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: I’ll hook you up and then I’ll hook up with you. Damn!

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: And Benedict is a “Smart professor from Germany”.

[Cut to Benedict smoking pipe]

Benedict: I was raised in a house full of women. So as you can imagine, I know my way around a woman’s body.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa nodding their heads]

Emerald: Alright. Lisa, why don’t you ask these bachelors the first question?

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Okay. I’m a girl that likes to be pampered. How would you make sure that I’ve had a good time in our first date?

[Cut to Tod]

Tod: I would take you to Treasure Bay Spa for massage. And then we’d go to a late dinner at Dorsia. And if things go well, you’d also be joining me for breakfast.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Ooh, I like that. Bachelor number two?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: I’d make you dinner at home and then we could watch a movie. Although if things go well, I’m not sure we’ll do much watching.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Hmm, I like the sound of that. Bachelor number three, how would you make sure that I have a good time?

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: [with accent] First, I would massage your labia majora. And then I would mount a shuttle yet focused campaign on your clitorus.

[Cut to Emerald looking surprised]

Emerald: Hah! Well there are no wrong answers in Match Finders, but damn, that was close.

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: I’m sorry. Did someone already say that one?

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: No, they sure didn’t. [looking at Lisa] Go ahead, Lisa.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Bachelors, I love to learn new things. Tell me something I don’t know.

[Cut to Tod]

Tod: You wouldn’t guess by looking at me, but I’m actually a pretty good dancer. [showing little of his moves]

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: You wouldn’t get it by looking at it but the human vagina has three distinct holes. Urethra, vulva and of course, the anus hole.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: [yelling] Hey! what are you doing? This is a nice girl.

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: As I said Emerald, I grew up the only boy in a house full of very old, old women.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: That makes it worse.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Bachelor number two, you didn’t answer the question.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Yeah. I yield all my time to the gentleman with the ponytail.

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: Oh now, wait a minute son. You’re gonna have to be a little specific. There’s a two of us up here. Ha-ha-ha. [Emerald turns around and shows his tiny ponytail] Yeah.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Bachelor number three, what would you do to make me feel special.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: Oh, so you just gonna walk right into traffic. Oh!

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: First, I would lay down on beach towel on top of the sheets so that you wouldn’t feel self conscious about–

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Emerald pressing buzzer sound in his phone]

Emerald: Yeah. Had to download a buzzer app on my phone.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Okay bachelors, what would you say is your biggest fear?

[Cut to the bachelors]

Tod: A bee in my hat.

Jason: Um, ghosts.

Benedict: Getting throat cancer from conninglingus.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Lisa: Huh, I like that. Explain.

Emerald: Dont!

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: My doctor says if I munch one more box, if I scarf one more carpet, if I chew down on even just one more little doughnut, I will end up like Michael Douglas.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: Michael Douglas is fine.

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: No man is fine if you take way that what she loves.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: That’s it. I’m calling it. Lisa, who do you pick?

Lisa: I guess the glass with the glass eye sounds hot.

Emerald: Glass eye it is. Well, I’m your host, Emerald Mike Biskane and this has been the dating game or Match Finder or whatever.

[The End]

King Henry VIII Hologram

Jon Rudnitsky

King Henry VIII… Russell Crowe

Tod… Bobby Moynihan

Vanessa Bayer

Dana… Cecily Strong

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Jon showing the visitors around]

Jon: Henry VIII the experience. In a moment, an interactive hologram of his majesty will appear to answer your questions about his life and times. Without further due, his majesty.

[A hologram appears]

[visitors clapping]

King Henry VIII: Loyal subjects, I am king Henry VIII. I am remembered today for taking six wives none of whom gave me a male heir. Ah! But there is so much more to learn. So, ask me what you will.

Tod: Wow, this is so cool. Um, okay, what did you eat back then?

King Henry VIII: In my time, nobles feasted on banquets of roasted meats washed down with hearty ales.

Tod: Oh, thank you your highness. Ha-ha. Um, babe, ask him a question.

Vanessa: Okay. Um, how big was the castle?

[The king’s hologram stands up and walks to Vanessa]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son.

Vanessa: Bear you a song?

King Henry VIII: [yelling] Bear me a son!

Vanessa: Tod, why is he doing this?

Tod: I mean, it’s historically accurate.

King Henry VIII: The only sounds I wish to hear from a woman’s mouth are the screams of labour as you bear me a son.

Vanessa: He’s spitting when he talks and there’s like hologram spit.

Tod: Wow. Technology, huh? You know, the next thing you now, we’ll be able to watch a movie on our phone.

Vanessa: Ah, Tod, you can already do that. Come on!

[Tod and Vanessa walk away]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son or I’ll have your head!

[Dana and Taran walk in front of King Henry VIII]

Dana: My king, what was your relationship with Spain like?

King Henry VIII: Complicated. Bear me a son. Bear me a son, but bath first. You have a stench.

Dana: Urgh! This hologram is a pig. I’m going to the gift shop.

Taran: Okay. But please stop buying geodes, okay? Seriously Dana, they’re not rare.

[Dana and Taran walk away]

King Henry VIII: Forget the bathing. I can tolerate your stench.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Um, hey. Hi. Sorry, hello.

[King Henry VIII grabs a hologram chicken and laughs]

King Henry VIII: Ha-ha. A fool! A fool amuses me! Dance for me. Dance for me with your enormous head.

Beck: What?

King Henry VIII: Come on, you fool. You total fool.

Beck: No.

King Henry VIII: You complete fool.

Beck: No, no. I’m not a fool. I have a lot of cool stuff going out. Thank you.

[Beck leaves]

[A group of ladies come in and walk in a line]

Sasheer: Okay, moms’ day out group. Just follow me. We’re gonna go through the exit.

King Henry VIII: [Looking at the women one by one] Bear me a son. Bear me a son. You. You. Bear me a son. Open your legs!

[The ladies walk away]

[Kenan walks in]

And take my seed in your moist.

Kenan: Hello.

King Henry VIII: Ah, my god. A black amore. I’ve only seen your kind in paintings.

Kenan: And goodbye.

[Kenan leaves]

[Kyle and Aidy walk in]

Kyle: Question. Where did you go to the bathroom in the castle?

King Henry VIII: Be still, your tongue. I only wish to talk to this divine creature. [Talking to Aidy] Oh, I love to see you, with my son’s breakfast. [King Henry VIII is getting his hands on Aidy’s breasts] Two ample jogs of god’s old cream to feed the future king. I must have you. Bear me a son.

Aidy: Um, thank you. Ha-ha.

Kyle: Hey, come on babe. I wanna see the other stuff. Plus I think there’s something wrong with this hologoram.

[The hologram disappears]

[Jon walks in]

Jon: Oops! Well, it looks like the kind requires a reboot of his royal software. In the meantime, feel free to sit on his throne and take a photograph if you want.

Aidy: Oh! Me first. [Aidy sits on the King’s throne] Okay, hun. Do it like– look at this. Do a serious photo and then do like, a goofy one. Okay? [Aidy starts posing]

[As Aidy is posing, King Henry VIII appears again and is putting his hands on her breasts again]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son. Bear me a son.

Aidy: Oh, my god!

[The End]

100 days in jungle

Beck Bennett

Nathan… Pete Davidson

Rebecca… Cecily Strong

Michael… Taran Killam

Denice… Vanessa Bayer

Joan… Aidy Bryant

Terry… Russell Crowe

[Starts with video clips of jungle]

Male voice: Exhaustion, starvation, dehydration. Who will survive them all to last 100 days in the jungle.

[Cut to Beck briefing the contestants]

Beck: Michael, Rebecca, Nathan. You’ve all made it to day 94. I know it’s been hard and I’m sure you all miss your families.

Michael: Yeah.

Rebecca: So much.

Nathan: A lot.

Beck: Well, you’re in luck because we have a surprise. We’ve flown in a loved one for each of you. And they’re here now. Michael, say hi to your wife of fifteen years, Denice.

[Denice walks in]

Michael: Denice? Denice, oh my god! [kissing] Oh, I missed you. How are our kids?

Denice: Oh, they’re good. They’re rooting for their daddy.

Beck: Rebecca, say hi to your mom, Joan.

[Joan walks in]

Rebecca: Mommy! Oh my god! You’re here.

Joan: I am here. [hugging] I love you sweetheart.

Beck: And finally, Nathan, say hi to your uncle’s friend, Terry.

[Nathan losing his smile]

Nathan: Who?

[Terry comes in]

Terry: Hey buddy. It’s me. Your uncle’s friend, Terry. Ha-ha. Hey buddy. Ay! Ay! Remember me? Yeah, you do. Come on! We used to live in a tent in your uncle’s backyard. Come on.

Nathan: Oh, right. Hey man, I’m sorry but where’s my parents?

Beck: They had a thing and couldn’t move it. But Nathan, how does it feel to see your uncle’s friend, Terry?

Nathan: Um, kind of weird. Like, we’ve only met a couple of times. And one year we had Christmas at my uncle’s and Terry made us all go outside and watch him drink a two liter bottle of Sprite outside the house.

Terry: Oh, everyone was saying, [hooting] “Terry! Terry! Terry!” Best day of my life, buddy, buddy boy.

Nathan: Only you were chanting that.

Beck: Michael and Rebecca, how are you feeling? You look so shocked to see your family.

Michael: Oh, my god. I am so shocked.

Rebecca: You have no idea. It’s crazy.

Nathan: Um, I’m probably the most shocked. Jus coz like I have seven brothers and sisters, also a girlfriend of three years and none of them could be here?

Beck: Unfortunately, no. They are not here. But your uncle’s friend Terry is. And as an added surprise, Thanks to the new Sony 4K UltraHD TV, you get to say hello to more loved ones.

[someone brings in a TV]

Take a look.

[Michael’s children appear on the TV]

Children: We miss you, daddy.

Michael: Oh, I miss them so much. Hi Noah. Hi Emily. [kisses]

[Rebecca’s dad appears on the TV holding a dog]

Dad: Hi, Becky. My love is with you. Hi.

Rebecca: Wow, dad and Milo. I love you guys.

[Leslie appears on the TV]

Leslie: [Crying] Terry, it’s me. I need you. I messed up. I messed up real bad. If you don’t come home, I’ma kill myself.

Terry: Hey, baby. How are ya?

Nathan: Who is that?

Terry: It’s a girl I’m seeing. She steals credit cards for living. Hey, baby!

Beck: And now, one final twist. Your loved ones aren’t here just for fun. They’re here because today is a reward challenge and they will be competing on your behalf. How do you feel about that?

Michael: Absolutely great. My wife is the strongest woman I know.

Rebecca: My mom is my rock. She can do anything.

Nathan: Well, my uncle’s friend Terry once took me to see basic instincts, and during the whole middle part, he kept hitting my leg and said, “Here it comes.”

Terry: Damn right I did. That was the day you became a man.

Nathan: I was five.

[Someone brings in a table. There are three baskets on the table.]

Beck: Today’s competition is eating challenge. In front of each of your loved ones is a jungle delicacy. Whoever can eat their’s the fastest wins a reward for their loved one.

Nathan: Yeah. Can you stop saying loved one?

Beck: Denice, you have a cow’s tongue.

Denice: Oh, my god. I can’t eat that.

Michael: No, come on baby. You can do it.

Beck: Joan, you have a pig’s liver.

Joan: Oh, I think I’m gonna be sick.

Rebecca: Mom, you’ve got this.

Beck: And Nathan’s uncle’s friend Terry, you have a duck’s vagina.

Terry: Hell yeah player!

Beck: Oh your mark!

[Terry just picks the item up and eats it and starts dancing.]

Oh, wow! That was much quicker than we expected. Terry, you win. Nathan, you gotta be proud of your uncle’s friend Terry.

Nathan: I wouldn’t say proud. I mean, he just yelled, “Oh, hell yeah player!” and ate a duck vagina on TV.

Terry: [celebrating] Duck vagina.

Beck: Well, as today’s winners, you and your uncle’s friend Terry win a four course meal and a massage for two.

Terry: Oh, no, no. Can’t do that. I can’t do. I got stitches all over my back. Horse bit me.

Nathan: On your back? What is your life?

Beck: We’ll be right back on 100 days in the jungle.

[The End]

Family Feud

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Jennifer Lawrence… Ariana Grande

Tilds Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Javier Bardem… Beck Bennett

Idris Elba… Jay Pharoah

Quentin Tarantino… Taran Killam

Martin Scorsese… Jon Rudnitsky

Woody Allen… Kyle Mooney

Kevin Smith… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Family Feud celebrity edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks to the stage]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, okay. Okay now, welcome to celebrity Family Feud. This is one of our four different day time shows at I host. Every one of them is playing right now in that little TV that you can watch while you’re pumping your gas. Alright, today we got great actors versus great directors. Okay, on the actors side talks like a man but PH balance for a woman is Jennifer Lawrence.

[Cut to Jennifer Lawrence]

Jennifer Lawrence: They told me not to do game show but I was like, “Screw it. I can have fun. I’m a regular person.”

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, you say you’re a regular person more than any regular person I know. Alright next, she’s one of the top actresses in all of outer space, Tilds Swinton.

[Cut to Tilds Swinton]

Tilds Swinton: I want a Mafter, that’s a bafter they give on moon.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, whatever you say David boy. Alright, next from no country for old men, say hello to Javier Bardem.

[Cut to Javier Bardem]

Javier Bardem: It is a wonderful thing to play this game. I am very aroused by competiton.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh. Oh, you spicy little pot of pie, ain’t you? Okay, and finally, I don’t know if I’ve ever heard of this person. But he was in a movie called ‘Beast of no nation’. Let me try to pronounce this right. Mellis Dellis.

[Cut to Idris Elba]

Idris Elba: Um, actually the name is Idris Elba mite. You know, I’ve been around.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, it’s all clicks and buzzes, player. Let’s go to the directors side. He’s a maniac who has made some of my favorite movies, Quentin Tarantino.

[Cut to Quentin Tarantino]

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, hey, thanks Steve. Yeah. You know, this is good. It’s sort of like spaghetti western, right? But there’s surprises at the end.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, take it down player. For us, it’s 10 in the morning, but for you it’s day three. Okay, next we got the director of Raging Bull and Goodfellas, Martin Scorsese.

[Cut to Martin Scorsese]

Martin Scorsese: Great to be here, Steve. Really, really great. Love the suit. Classic styling. I love it. I love it.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, I’m a big fan of your work. I loved you as the grandfather in Up. Next, you know him from Hannah and her sisters, and that whole thing where he went on head to merit his daughter. Woody Allen.

[Cut to Woody Allen]

Woody Allen: Thank you Steve. And while I appreciate your comprehensive introduction, what’s past is past. Both parties– Let’s move on.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Whatever you say Big Love. And finally, from Jay and Silent Bob, it’s Kevin Smith.

[Cut to Kevin Smith]

Kevin Smith: Hello folks, it’s the fat man on Batman. Thanks for having me on the podcast, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Podcast? Are you high right now?

[Cut to Kevin Smith]

Kevin Smith: Oh, hell yeah!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, well, okay then player. I’ll meet you at the parking lot after the show. Well, give me two players. Let’s play the feud.

[Steve Harvey walks to the game stage and Jennifer Lawrence and Quentin Tarantino follow him]

How are you all feeling?

Jennifer Lawrence: Pretty good, man.

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, really great. Really great. I think great man!

Steve Harvey: You know, you two look like you should switch voices. Alright, 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. Name a bad habit that you just can’t quit.

[Jennifer Lawrence presses the buzzer]

Jennifer.

Jennifer Lawrence: I’m just like it’s an alcoholic. I mean, I love Pringles. If no one’s looking, I’ll eat like, a whole can. Like, everyday is my cheat day. You know what I mean?

Steve Harvey: Oh, how annoyingly relate-able. Show me another pretty girl says she likes to eat.

[The game board shows ‘Snacks’]

[right answer bell]

Oh, number one, it’s up there. Alright, let’s go to the actors side. Okay, Tilds Swinton, what’s a bad habit you just can’t quit?

Tilds Swinton: Feasting on the blood of innocent. I’m kidding. Cookies.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you a curious little woodpecker. Show me, vampires got to feed.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh! Not there. Javier Bardem, bad habit you just can’t quit.

Javier Bardem: Ha-ha-ha. This one is very obvious, you know? Beautiful women.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you a hopeless romantic, huh?

Javier Bardem: Yeah.

Steve Harvey: Show me, gotta get that ass!

[wrong answer buzzer]

I’m sorry player. Let’s go over to black Jason Statham, a bad habit you just can’t quit.

Idris Elba: I don’t know, mite. You know, gotta stop running around the pubs, you know? Caught down a bit. That’s shit, blood. You know?

Steve Harvey: Might as well be under water. Show me something that might be England.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Yeah, I didn’t think so. Alright, the directors with the chance to steal. A bad habit you just can’t quit.

Kevin Smith: Podcast!

[the directors are saying their answer cross-talking]

Steve Harvey: Okay, all good answers. But Quentin Tarantino, it’s up to you.

Quentin Tarantino: Well, there’s so many possibilities here, right Steve? I mean, but the thing is you can’t look at the possibilities man. You have to look at your own unique reality. So, for me, that’s like trying for perfection every time, man! do you get that Steve? Do you get what I’m saying?

Steve Harvey: Oh, I hear you player. Yeah I know what you’re exactly trying to say. Show me cocaine.

[The game board shows ‘Drugs’]

[right answer bell]

Oh! Well, I guess drugs are the answer. The directors win like always. We’re gonna take a break. When we come back, I’ll give you a sneak preview of my new show that I’m hosting where kids fight each other on the stage. We’ll see y’all in a minute.