Tag: Beck Bennett

Best Christmas Ever | Season 44 Episode 9

Wife… Cecily Strong

Husband… Matt Damon

Wife’s family members… Aidy Bryant, Beck Bennett, Mikey Day

[Starts the video with decorated Christmas tree][Cut to other Christmas decorations][Cut to the title of the video ‘Best Christmas Ever’][Cut to fireplace in the house][Cut to husband sitting on a couch at night. His wife joins him and sits beside him]

Wife: Okay, kids are finally asleep. All right, what is there left to do? Dishes?

Husband: Already done.

Wife: Oh, my god, you are an angel. So did you have a Merry Christmas?

Husband: Are you kidding me? That was the best Christmas ever.

Wife: Really?

Husband: Babe, I had a smile on my face from the moment I woke up.

[Cut to past early in the morning, kids open the door and enters the room. Husband and wife are sleeping]

Kids: Mom! Wake up! [Kids start to jump on the bed] It’s Christmas! Wake up. Wake up.

[Cut to night stand clock that shows 5:41 in the morning. Husband looks at the clock.]

Husband: Oh, my god! Are you [Bleep] kidding me?

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: I think I was more excited than the kids.

Wife: I know, I was the same way.

[Cut to husband and wife sitting on a couch at day time. Kids are yelling.][Cut to kids opening presents below the Christmas tree.][Cut to husband and wife tired and annoyed.]

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: They liked their presents, Right?

Wife: Dana loves her playhouse. You weren’t up too late building it, were you?

[Cut to husband struggling to put the playhouse into place. It doesn’t work out, so he kicks the house.]

Husband: [Angry] This is [Bleep]! Piece of [Bleep]!

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: No. It was a breeze.

Wife: My family didn’t ruin your day, did they?

Husband: No, I love that we hosted this year.

[Cut to husband opens the door welcoming his wife’s family.]

Husband: Merry –

[Cut to Beck and Aidy complaining and getting inside.]

Beck: Traffic was awful!

Aidy: Three hours!

Beck: Whoa, you gained weight! [Laughs]

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Wife: Are you sure?

Husband: Honestly, babe, they made my day.

[Cut to kids annoying husband. Husband is on the floor, and kids are jumping on him and yelling.][Cut to Cameron coughing. Husband notices him.]

Husband: Hey, Rach, is Cameron sick?

[Cut to Cameron smiling with his running nose.]

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband:  I can’t believe your cousin made the drive.

Wife: I know. It was so nice to see him.

Husband: Yeah.

[Cut to Mikey sitting next to Aidy on a family dining table with his Trump’s “Make America Great Again” hat.]

Mikey: Why do I have to take it off? Why?

[Cut to wife sitting across the table.]

Wife: Because it’s my dinner table, in front of my kids!

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: You’re racist against whites!

Wife: What?

[Cut to Mikey and Aidy]

Mikey:  You’re racist against whites!

Aidy: She is.

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: How about you, the hostess with the moistest? Taking care of everybody? How do you do it?

Wife: I guess I was just full of Christmas cheer.

[Cut to Wife slurring a glass of wine in the kitchen with Aidy.] [Cut to Wife slurring a glass of wine in the kitchen alone.] [Cut to Wife smoking cigarette outside with a glass of wine.]

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: Well, I had a perfect day.

Wife: Me too.

Husband: This is going to sound corny, but [Cut to kids arguing] I don’t know if it was you and the kids – [Cut to husband hugging his daughter, daughter is crying]

[Cut to husband hugging his daughter, daughter is crying]

Husband: [Cut to husband hugging his daughter, daughter is crying] You’re not adopted. She’s not adopted. Why would you call her that?

Husband: Or the family being here— [Cut to family dancing. Beck stands and farts at husband’s face] [Cut to Husband opening his present. His present is slippers that look like feet of a bear.]

Husband: [Cut to Husband opening his present. His present is slippers that look like feet of a bear.] But I definitely felt some Christmas magic today. [Kids are looking at their father to see his reaction.] Absolutely love them! Come on, guys. [Kids hug their father.]Thank You, guys. Thank you, guys.

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Wife: Best Christmas ever?

[Husband puts his legs on the table. He’s wearing his bear feet slippers.]

Husband: Best Christmas ever.

Kids: Mom! He’s in my room! Get out!

Husband: I’ll go in there. [Husband goes to his kids.]

Rudolph’s Big Night | Season 44 Episode 8

Red-Nosed Reindeer… Pete Davidson

Cupid… Mikey Day

… Chris Redd.

Donner… Alex Moffat

Blitzen… Kyle Mooney

Comet… Beck Bennett

Don… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a house on a Christmas day]

Cupid: Alright, fellas, [Cut to a room full of reindeers] its Christmas eve and I am ready to fly! Who’s with me?

Everobody: Yeah!

Chris Redd: Hey, why is Rudolph cheering?

Rudolph: [Cut to Rudolph. He has a red glowing nose] Well, I guess I thought there was a chance, you know,  I’d be on the team this year.

[Cut to everybody. Everyone laughs at Rudolph]

Donner: Yeah, keep dreaming neon nose!

Rudolph: Yeah, the last thing we need up there is a stoplight!

Comet: [Cut to Beck] Or a maraschino cherry.

Santa: [Santa walks in shaking his belly] Ho, ho, ho! Huddle up. I just wanted to say about the weather report and I’m sorry but it’s too overcast to fly. Christmas is canceled.

Everybody: [Cut to everybody] Oh, no! No!

Santa: Wait! [Cut to Rudolph and Santa] Rudolph—your nose. You can guide us with your wonderful light! How about it, Rudolph?

Rudolph:  You mean it Santa?

Santa: Oh, you bet I do. I’m appointing you lead reindeer! Christmas is saved! Let’s hear it for Rudolph!

Everybody: [Cut to Everybody. Everybody is cheering for Rudolph] Hip, hip, hooray!

Santa:  Thanks, Santa. I won’t let you down. [Santa leaves the room] [Cut to Rudolph. He walks in the group] Well, well, well—

Donner: [Alex giving his hand to shake to Rudolph] Congrats–

Rudolph: Oh, you can put that away, [pushing away his hand] Donner, or whatever your bitch ass name is.

Donner: Rudolph–

Rudolph: Oh, it’s Rudolph now! I thought it was Neon Nose. Classic.

Blitzen: Rudolph–

Rudolph: Oh, what’s up, Blitzen? What did you call my nose? A stoplight. I like that, making fun of someone else when you’re married to a moose.

Blitzen:  She’s an Elk.

Rudolph: She’s a straight up moose. You need to know that. What’s up, Don?

Don: What’s up?

Rudolph: Santa hates you.

Don: Harsh.

[Cut to everybody]

Cupid: Rudolph, we understand you’re sore at us but it was just a bit of healthy ribbing.

Rudolph: [Cut to Rudolph and Cupid] No, you shut up your mouth, Cupid. Alright? No one’s talking to you. You want healthy ribbing? Your wife dropped that donk on my last night!

Cupid: You’re making that up.

Rudolph: Nope, we did it in front of the mirror. Yeah, she’s one of those!

Cupid: Oh my god, I’ll knock that nose right off your face! [Cut to everybody]

Don: Come on, Rudolph man, we’re sorry.

Rudolph: Yeah, I know you’re sorry now because I’ll be flying out in front tonight and I’m eating a lot of broccoli. What’s your problem world?

Cupid: Hey! I’m gonna tell Santa how you’re behaving.

Rudolph: Oh, yeah? Let’s get him in here! [Rudolph starts hitting himself on his head and starts acting victim] Oh, ouch, why would you hit me? I’m smaller than you!

Santa: [Santa walks in] Cupid! Are you still bullying on Rudolph?

Cupid: [Cut to Everybody] No, sir, I didn’t touch him!

Rudolph: It’s not their fault sir. I’m the new guy. I deserve a little hazing.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Rudolph, you’re the strongest reindeer I’ve ever seen. [Cut to Rudolph smiling happily] You’re skating on thin ice Cupid.

Cupid: [Cut to Rudolph and Cupid] Man.

Rudplph: Whoops!

Don:Yo, you’re crazy man! [Cut to everybody]

Rudolph: Anyone else want to bully Rudolph?

Comet: No, man, we’re so sorry.

Rudolph: Oh, well, if it isn’t Mr. Maraschino Cherry Joke.

Comet: [Cut to Comet and Rudolph] I don’t want any trouble man.

Rudolph: Oh, I heard a lot of jokes about my nose. That was a good one. You like Maraschino Cherries, bro?

Comet: Yeah.

Rudolph: You like that way they taste, bro?

Comet: Yeah.

Rudolph: Why don’t you suck on one?

Comet: Excuse me?

Rudolph: Suck on it homey. Suck on the cherry in front of your face!

Comet: Rudolph, please!

Everybody: [Cut to everybody] Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Oh! Oh! [Cut to Comet and Rudolph. Comet starts sucking on Rudolph’s nose]

Santa: [Cut to Santa walking in] Oh my goodness!

Rudolph: [Cut to Comet and Rudolph. As Rudolph sees Santa he starts acting victim] Ouch, he bit me. I think he’s rabid.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Oh, I always knew this day would come. [Santa takes his gun out]

Comet: [Cut to Comet] No, no. I swear he’s lying! He told me to suck it.

Santa: [Santa is pointing the gun towards Comet] Come with me, Comet.

Comet: Sir, you don’t understand. [Cut to everybody] He’s evil. Isn’t anybody going to say anything?

Rudolph: Yeah, isn’t anyone going to say anything?

Santa: I’m sorry, pal. Ho, ho, ho. [Santa takes Comet out]

Chris Redd: He’s not going to do that. [Sound of gunshot. Everybody is terrified except Rudolph.] Rudolph, you are a master.

Rudolph: No, really though, those were some funny jokes. Hilarious.

Santa: All right, [Cut to Santa walking in] show’s over. It’s Christmas folks. Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Rudolph: [Cut to everybody. Rudolph is dancing] Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.

Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo | Season 44 Episode 8

Zerco… Kenan Thompson

Khal Drogo… Jason Momoa

Hodor… Beck Bennett

High Sparrow… Pete Davidson

Brienne of Tarth… Heidi Gardner

Joffrey… Kate McKinnon

Olenna Tyrell… Aidy Bryant

[Intro playing]

Narrator: You’re watching Dothraki Public Access. Up next, Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo.

[Cut to Zerco and Khal in a hut]

Zerco: Alright, welcome to Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo, where we talk to some of the hundreds of characters of  Game of Thrones who have been killed off the show. I am Zerco, bloodwriter to the great Khal himself. Khal, how are you feeling tonight?

Khal Drogo: [Cut to Khal] Hmm.

Zerco: [Cut to Khal and Zerco] Alright. So, Khal is not the biggest talker but he’s a cool dude when you get to know him. Do you know any fun plans for the weekend Khal?

Khal Drogo: [Cut to Khal] [Talking in Dothraki language, subtitle says “I will kill the men in iron suits and tear their stone houses”]

Zerco: [Cut to Khal and Zerco] Cool. Co-co-co-co-cool. Very cool. Very chill. Hey, you mind closing your legs just a little bit there Khal? Ever heard of the term man spreading?

[Khal takes his knife out and stabs Zerco twice]

You never know how fast they’ll kill off a character! [Zerco dies. But then, he stands again] And I’m back. Revived by a witch. All right. Let’s start the show and meet our first guest, our first ghost. He sacrificed his life to save Brandon and Mira. Pease welcome, Hodor!

[Cut to Hodor coming in and sits in the middle]

Hodor: Hodor.

Khal Drogo: Who you?

Hodor: Hodor

Khal Drogo: Why?

Hodor: Hodor.

Khal Drogo: What’d you do?

Hodor: Hodor.

Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] Okay, great combo. Thanks for stopping by, Hodor. Really glad that we got you two together. [Cut to everybody. Hodor walks towards the door] Hey, would you mind holding the door for our next guest?

Hodor: Hold the door? Hold the door! Hold the door! Hodor!

Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] Yeah, thanks, Hodor.

Hodor: [Cut to Khal and Hodor] Oh, please, yeah, no trouble at all.

Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] All right. Our next guest is a religious Zealot who led the face of the Seven until he got exploded. Please welcome the high sparrow.

High Sparrow: [Cut to High Sparrow comes in and Hodor leaves] Can I just ask where I am?

Zerco: Well, you’re in the Dothraki world.

High Sparrow: [Cut to Zerco and High Sparrow] Oh, like horse heaven? So glad I gave up sex for 50 years.

Khal Drogo: [Cut to everybody] I sex when I want with ever I want. Many, many partners.

High Sparrow: And we both ended up in the same heaven! It almost makes you question religion.

Zerco: Well, hey, I mean you ran that whole team. You were almost like a king.

Khal Drogo: You think you like king? [Khal carries a container of molten gold and pours it on High Sparrow’s head]

High Sparrow: I didn’t mean to offend you.

Khal Drogo: Shout for king!

High Sparrow: You ruined my potato sack!

Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] Wow. Okay. Well, I actually need to save a little bit of that molten gold to make a friendship bracelet, but no worries, I guess.

Brienne: [Cut to everybody. Brienne comes in with a sword in her hand] Is there a danger? Where are the stark children? Arya, Sansa, the cripple in the sled.

Zerco: Wait, Brienne of Tarth? Are you even dead? I mean, the show’s been out for so long, I’m honestly asking.

Brienne: I have sworn [Cut to Brienne and Khal] a blood oath to find and protect the Stark children wherever they be.

Khal Drogo: [Speaks in Dothraki language. Subtitle says, “If this man wants to fight I will give him what he wants”]

Brienne: Man? wow, you have a lot to learn about identity politics.

Khal Drogo: You’re right. Khal needs to learn from Khal’s mistakes or Khal never wins Oscar. Khal never holds Oscar.

Zerco: [Cut to Zerco] Wow, what a teachable moment, yeah. Now a quick word from our sponsors.

[Commercials start playing]

Narrator: Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo is brought to you by Little Beard Twisties. Want to keep your beard neat but still loose and crazy? Little Beard Twisties. And remember the red wedding? Well, that venue is now open for your wedding. What are the odds of it happening twice? We’ve cleaned up almost all of the blood and hired a new wedding planner. Dothraki Wardrobe provided by dead horses. When a horse dies, you wear it. And if you like elf on a shelf, ready for Khal On The Wall. He knows when you’ve been naughty and he’ll kill you.

[Cut to Zerco and Khal]

Zerco: Okay, we are back. And Khal is just eating rib, which means it’s time for our final guest. He’s the worst and everyone’s glad he’s dead. Please welcome, King Joffrey!

[Joffrey walks in] [Cut to everybody]

Joffrey: Go ahead and boo me. I love it. You’re all just mad that you’re not me. But catch me outside! I said catch me outside!

Zerco: Man, you are just despised.

Joffrey: They think they cannot handle all of this. I feed off the haters.

Zerco: Alright, now, Joffrey, you were poisoned to death, correct?

Joffrey: Perhaps, whatever.

Zerco: Well, what if I told you that the woman who poisoned you is here tonight? Olenna Tyrell, get out here!

Olenna: Oh, I know you, you son of a bitch. [Olenna and Joffrey start fighting] I’m about to kill you again Justin Bieber!

Zerco: We got to break this up. We got to break this up. [Zerco stops their fight] [Cut to Zerco] Let’s take a break. When we come back, we will see the results of our big makeover. Here’s what Oberyn Martell looked like after the Mountain gouged out his eyes and crushed his skull. [Picture of Oberyn’s face when Mountain crushed his eyes in the Game of Thrones series] And here’s what he looks like now. [Oberyn comes in with sunglasses on. Disco music stars playing and Oberyn starts dancing] Right here on Khal Drogo’s Ghost Dojo!

[Cut to Kyle Mooney in his set]

Kyle Mooney: And, hey, stay tuned after the show for “Talking Dojo”, where we dissect everything that just happened in the Ghost Dojo.

[Khal Drogo appears in Kyle Mooney’s set]

Khal Drogo: No more after shows! [Khal stabs Kyle with his knife] Best death ever!

 

GE Big Boys | Season 44 Episode 8

[Starts with Beck walking in his house to his wife Heidi. The clip is black and white.]

Beck Bennett: Wow wee! Honey, [Cut to Beck kisses Heidi] how do you keep the house so clean?

Heidi Gardner: [Cut to Heidi] A lady never tells. [Heidi winks]

Narrator 1: A woman’s work is done better with [Cut to Vacuum Cleaner cleaning the house] GE Household Appliances.

Narrator 2: [Cut to color video clips showing women working as professionals] Times change. And these days, women are the primary breadwinners [Cut to Jason keeping the plates on dining table for the kids as his wife Cecily is leaving for work] in 50% of American homes. And that means house work is a man’s job. [Cut to Jason in messy hall] So give him the tools to get the job done right with GE’s new Big Boy Home Appliances. [GE’s Big Boy commercial video clip] Like the Big Boy dishwasher, featuring a 70 pound [Cut to Jason struggling to close the dishwasher door] steel door.

[Jason locks the door like a wheel vault]

Jasom Momoa: “I’d like to see a woman do that.”

Narrator 2: [Cut to video clips of women speaking in corporate presentations] And hey, she may have climbed the corporate ladder but she’ll need an actual ladder to use The door locks like a wheel vault [Cut to Jason opening the yellow washing machine that’s six feet tall] the Big Boy washing machine because that sucker is six feet tall.

[Cut to vacuum cleaner sucking up the dust from the floor] Dirty floors don’t stand a chance against the Big Boy [Cut to Jason using the vacuum cleaner. The vacuum cleaner is attached to a tractor] ride-on vacuum cleaner. That’s 240 horsepower. [Jason is riding the vacuum cleaner tractor with headphones, safety glasses and drinking a beer] Pure chore torque.

[Jason sees red stain on the carpet] With the detachable spot remover that absolutely annihilates stains. [Jason using spot remover. The spot remover looks and works like Jackhammer] All GE Big Boy Appliances have an energy star rating of ‘F minus’ because they run on gas. [Cut to Jason refilling the fuel tank of his washing machine] So man up this holiday [Cut to Jason and MIkey Day drinking beer in front of dish washer. Then Mikey riding the vacuum cleaner tractor] season and ask your wife to buy you GE Big Boy Household Appliances.

Cecily Strong: [Cut to Cecily and Jason in hall of their house very clean] Wow, how did you get it so clean in here?

Jasom Momoa: Oh, sorry babe, [Cut to Jason] a guy never tells. [Jason winks]

Narrator 2: [Cut to video bumper] GE Big Boy appliances.

First Impression | Season 44 Episode 8

Daughter/Melissa… Melissa Villaseñor

Michael… Beck Bennett

Mom… Heidi Gardner

Dad… Jason Momoa

[Starts with a decorated Christmas tree. Melissa is setting dining table for family dinner and she is talking to her boyfriend. He is going to meet her parents for the first time]

Melissa: You’re wearing your new shirt!

Michael: Yeah. Does it look okay?

Melissa: You look great, sweetie.

Michael: All right. I’m really nervous to meet your parents, you know? I don’t want to look stupid.

Melissa: Oh, they’re going to love you.

Michael: Okay. All right, [Cut to Michael and Melissa] I just really want to impress them.

Melissa: [Doorbell ringing] That’s them. [Melissa goes to open the door. Michael is preparing himself.]

[Melissa opens the door]

Melissa: Hey!

Mom: Hey, sweetie!

Melissa: Hi, mom. [Melissa hugs her mom]

Dad: Come here. [Melissa hugs her dad]

Melissa: Hi. Mom, dad, this is Michael. [Cut to the hall and nobody is there] That’s weird. He was here just a second ago.

Dad: [Cut to dad] Well, we can’t wait to meet him.

Melissa: Michael! Honey? [Cut to everybody]

Michael: [In a child’s voice] I bet you can’t find me.

Melissa: What?

Mom: Was that him?

Dad: What did he say?

Michael: Come find me. I’m hiding. [Everybody is confused] Hee-hee-hee.

Melissa: Michael, stop it! Okay, come out here and meet my parents.

Michael: Hee-hee-hee. Where am I?

Mom: Honey, what’s going on?

Melissa: I think he’s just nervous. [Cut to everybody] He really wants to impress you.

Mom: Why would that impress us?

Dad: Does he hide a lot?

Melissa: No, he’s never done this before.

Michael: I bet you can’t find me!

Dad: [Cut to dad, he walks forward] Oh, I bet I can! [Cut to dad walks upstairs]

Melissa: Dad, what are you doing?

Dad: I’m going to find this guy.

Michael: You’re very cold.

Dad: Make it fair, give us a clue.

Michael: Don’t you want to see what I look like? Hee-hee-hee.

Dad: Son of a bitch. [Dad is excited] Yes! I got to find this guy if I want to see what he looks like. [Melissa and mom follow dad]

Michael: Follow the little gay elf. Hee-hee-hee! You’re not very good at finding.

Dad: [Dad enters a room] He’s in the closet! [Dad opens the closet] Where is this turd?

Melissa: Dad!

Michael: Haha. You’re getting warmer.

Dad: Oh, he’s under the bed! I got you now! [Throws away the bed. Melissa and Mom are scared] Damn it.

Michael: Not there. Hee-hee-hee.

Dad: It’s coming from the walls. [Dad listens close to the walls]

Mom: [Cut to Melissa and mom] He’s not in the walls! [Dad starts punching holes in the wall]

Melissa: Dad, what are you doing?

Dad: I’m trying to find the damn guy! Gotcha! [Pulls a doll hand out of the wall. The hand has a recorder from where Michael’s voice was playing]

Michael: I guess you don’t want to see what I look like! [Dad breaks the recorder]

Dad: You know I do!

Michael: Then follow my voice. Hee-hee-hee-hee.

Dad: Oh, I got you now. [Opens a door in a room. A pie falls on the ground from the door] Fooled again!

Michael: Sound like someone’s got pie in the face.

Melissa: [Cut to Melissa]No, they don’t.

Mom: [Cut to Mom] Honey, this is insane.

Dad: [Cut to dad] You’re right, this is too hard. Give us another clue.

Michael: Hee-hee-hee. You see, I might be where you watch TV.

Dad: In the TV! Oh, crap, I gave it away! [Dad rushes down the stairs] I got him!

Michael: [Cut to the TV cupboard. Michael is behind the Cupboard stuck. He is waving his hand out to call everyone] Help me! Help! I’m stuck! What tool you so long? Help me, I’m stuck!

Melissa: [Cut to Melissa and mom] Michael, where are your clothes?

Michael: I couldn’t fit [Cut to Michael] back here with that new shirt on! [Dad pulls out Michael. Michael has grease over his body]

Melissa: [Cut to Melissa] Did you grease your body?

Michael: Just my face [Cut to Michael panicking] and my chest. I couldn’t fit back there. This whole [Cut to Michael and dad] plan is not working at all.

Melissa: [[Cut to Melissa] What’s your plan?

Michael: [Cut to Michael] To look cool in front of your parents. [Cut to Dad looking at Michael] Look at what love made me do babe. [Cut to Michael] Please to meet you, Mr. Charles, Mrs. Charles. I hope my hiding thing wasn’t too stupid and I’m sorry if I ruined your clothes with my pie trap.

Mom: [Cut to mom and Melissa] You didn’t.

Michael: Crap. Look, [Cut to Michael] you just told me how great they were and I just really wanted to impress them. I didn’t want to be a loser. I didn’t want to be [quoting with his hands] “That guy”.

Dad: [Cut to dad. Quoting with his hands] “That guy”. I love that. I say that too. [Cut to Michael. He gets happy.] [Cut to Melissa and mom. Melissa is also happy] I like you for my Melissa. A lot.

Michael: [Cut to Michael] I do too, sir. Yes, thank you, sir. Very good, sir.

Dad: [Cut to dad. He removes his glasses to see Michael] Let me see how handsome you are. [Michael flexes his body] That’s very nice. Good. [Michael turns around] There. Very handsome. Very good. I don’t know, [Michael stretches] he looks good. I like that. Very, very good. Very handsome. Very nice.

Michael: Merry Christmas everyone.

Elf on the Shelf | Season 44 Episode 8

Santa… Beck Bennett

Dottie… Melissa Villaseñor

Deedle Beep… Mikey Day

Scrabby… Jason Momoa

[Starts with a book ‘Elf on the shelf’ book, going through few of it’s pages]

Narrator: During the Christmas season, Santa sends an Elf to every child’s home to see if they’re being naughty or nice. All day they watch their child, never blinking and never moving. And each night they return to the North Pole to report back to Santa.

[Cut to a room where Santa and three elves are sitting]

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! Welcome back elves on shelves! I hope you’ve all been keeping a good eye on your children.

Elves: Yes, Santa!

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Wonderful. Dottie, how has little Elizabeth been this year?

Dottie: [Cut to Dottie] She’s been a very good girl Santa. She’s listening to her parents and doing her chores.

Santa: [Cut to everybody] Splendid! And how is little Matthew, Deedle Beep?

Deedle Beep: Well, he didn’t want to eat his vegetables at dinner.

Santa: Oh, no.

Deedle Beep: [Cut to Deedle Beep] But then he did and he liked them!

Santa: Hooray! [Cut to Santa] What about young Marshall, Scrabby?

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby, ashamed] I want a new kid, Santa.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] But why? You’ve been watching Marshall for [looks at his book] 13 years.

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] Things have changed this year. He figured out he could do a certain thing with his body. Now he won’t stop doing it.

Dottie: [Cut to three elves] I hope he’s not fighting with his little brother. That would be very naughty indeed.

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] No. It’s definitely a solo activity. And considering I can’t close my eyes, I had no choice but to watch him. He does it a lot.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Hmm, well, is what he’s doing naughty or is it nice?

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] It’s not really either, Santa.

Deedle Beep: [Cut to three elves] That’s silly, Scrabby. All elves know that everything humans do is either naughty or it’s nice.

Scrabby: It isn’t so black and white, Deedle Bee. [Cut to Scrabby] It’s just a thing humans lean how to do, you know, they go insane for a while and they do it non-stop. Please, Santa, could I have another kid?

Santa: [Cut to Santa] But Marshall loves you Scrabby.

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] I know. But sometimes he looks at me when he’s doing it, and I think he’s making me a part of it.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Well, lucky you, Scrabby. Now what does each of your children want for Christmas this year?

[Cut to three elves]

Deedle Beep: A train set.

Dottie: A new soccer ball.

Scrabby: I don’t want to say.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Oh, Scrabby, certainly Marshall wants something from Santa. Let’s see what’s on my list. Oh, Scrabby, you spelled flashlight wrong!

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] I wish that were the case.

Santa: [Cut to Santa] Well, is there anything else he wants?

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] I mean, I guess some soft socks?

Santa: Ho, ho, ho, ho! [Cut to everybody] Then he shall have the softest socks in the land.

Scrabby: [Cut to three elves] They’re not going to stay that way, Santa.

Deedle Beep: Scrabby, it sounds like you don’t like Marshall anymore?

Scrabby: No, I do. It’s just, 13 is a confusing age.

Dottie: Whatever do you mean?

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] I don’t know, he like, looks at his body and he has like, little boobies and he squeezes real hard because he hates them and he’s mad at them and he’s like, “Oh, go away”.

Dottie: [Cut to three elves] Oh, my, that’s odd.

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] Yeah, yeah. Please, listen; can I please have another kid?

Santa: [Cut to everybody] Oh, I think I know what’s happening. You’re upset he’s growing up.

Scrabby: [Cut to three elves] Oh, he grew up, Santa. That’s done.

Deedle Beep: Don’t be sad, Scrabby. Every kid stops believing in us some day. But then they have kids of their own and the magic starts again!

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] I don’t know if Marshall’s going to have anything left in his tank by then.

Santa: [Cut to everybody] Well, I can’t wait to visit all your children and bring them Christmas cheer.

Scrabby: [Cut to Scrabby] Yeah, well, just make a lot of noise when you get to Marshall’s house. He’ll stop for a few seconds if he hears something.

Santa:  [Cut to everybody] Oh, Scrabby, you’re a silly elf. Now back to your children.

Day of the Dorks | Season 44 Episode 8

Trip… Mikey Day

Beef… Jason Momoa

… Beck Bennett

… Kenan Thopmson

… Alex Moffat

… Chris Redd

Finnegan…Kyle Mooney

[Starts with an intro]

Narrator: You’re watching TVS. And now back to the 1985 campus comedy “Day Of The Dorks”.

[Cut to six students in a well furnished room]

Trip: I’ve had it with these dorks! First they ruin our homecoming party with their dump pranks and now they’re beating us in the Greek Week Olympiad! [Cut to Trip] We’re Sigma Theta. We can’t lose to a bunch of dorks!

Beef:  [Cut to Beef] I hate dorks.

Trip: [Cut to Trip] We all do, Beef. That’s why we need to get rid of them once and for all.

Beck: [Cut to Beck] No one makes fools of Sigma Theta, especially not a bunch of dorks.

Beef: [Cut to Beef]Dorks!

Beck: They win one more event [Cut to Chris, Alex, Beck and Kenan] at Greek Week, they’ll get to move in to our frat house.

Kenan: [Kenan stands] Man, this house belongs to us. Not those dang dorks!

Beef: [Cut to Beef breaking the chair out of anger] Dorks.

Trip: [Cut to everybody] Yeah! All right! Yeah! Also, take it easy on our furniture, [Cut to Trip] Beef. Alright, we have to pay for that stuff man. Good news, gentlemen, is that I have a way to stop the dorks.

Beef: [Cut to Beef] Kill the dorks.

Trip: [Cut to Trip] Not that, Beef. But I do think I have a way to kill their pathetic excuse for a frat.

Beef: [Cut to Beef] With a knife?

Trip: [Cut to Trip] All right. Stop with that stuff, please, Beef. It’s freaking me out. Now, what does the dean hate most?

Beef: [Cut to Beef, acting happy] Dorks!

Trip: [Cut to Trip] No, cheating. And what happens to a frat caught cheating during Greek Week?

Beef: [Cut to Beef] They die!

Beck: [Cut to Beck] Beef, please listen. alright? Trip is hatching a plan.

Kenan: [Cut to Alex and Kenan] Trip, the dorks won’t cheat, man. Not only are dorks fair, they’re clever. And they know it.

Alex: Just thinking of the smug faces on those dorks. Oh, god!

Beef: [Cut to Beef] Dork faces! [Beef gets angry, screams, runs to the foosball and breaks it]

[Cut to everybody]

Trip: Beef, man! Why did you do that? [Cut to Beef and Trip] That was a gift from the alumni!

Beef: Because Beef hates dorks!

Kenan: [Cut to Kenan] We know but we all really liked and use that foosball table a lot.

Beck: Beef, we love how much you hate dorks. And we all admire your passion [Cut to everybody] but wrecking stuff we use doesn’t help.

Chris: Yeah, maybe grab a pen and jot down notes on like, what you’re going to do to help to get rid of these dorks. That would help a lot.

Beef: Beef can’t write.

Kenan: [Cut to Kenan] Oh, Beef, really? You have been in college for eight years, man. How do you not know how to write?

Beef: [Cut to Beef and Trip] Because of dorks.

Kenan: [Cut to Kenan] I don’t know Beef. I feel like that’s on you, man.

Beck: [Beck goes to Beef, tells him to go outside. Beef goes outside] Alright, make them drink from the hose. Right? I’ll tell you about the plan after. I love Beef, but what’s his deal? Have any of you ever met his parents? How is he paying for an Ivy League School?

Trip: I don’t know. What matters right now is getting rid of the dorks. [Trip walks towards the other door] Now, as you all know, my father has a great deal of money. [Beef is drinking water from the pipe outside the window, looking inside] And every dork has his price. Guys, meet Finnegan. [Finnegan comes inside the room] My dork on the inside.

Finnegan: Gentlemen, as a dork myself, I can tell you— [Looks at Beef outside the window] I’m sorry, is he okay?

Beef: [Beef is angry looking at Finnegan] Dork!

Trip: Yeah, he’s fine, [Trip closes the curtains to the window] he’s fine. Alright, Finnegan, please continue.

Finnegan: Okay. Well, [Cut to Finnegan] if there’s one thing we dorks love more than computers, it’s girls. If you jocks can help me get a girlfriend—[Beef breaks the wall and pulls Finnegan out through the wall]

Beef: Dorks! Dorks!

[Playing outro]

An Extra Christmas Carol | Season 44 Episode 8

Ebenezer Scrooge… Mikey Day

Extra Spirit … Jason Momoa

Mr. Crutchett… Beck Bennett

Mrs. Crutchett… Heidi Gardner

Tiny… Kate McKinnon

[Opens a story book and narrators starts telling the Christmas story]

Narrator: And so Mr. Scrooge was shown the errors of his ways by three spirits, the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future. The following morning he was a changed man.

[Cut to Scrooge sleeping on his bed. Mrs. Dilber comes in from the door with morning tea for Scrooge]

Ebenezer Scrooge: Tell me what day it is Mrs. Dilber?

Mrs. Dilber: Why, it’s Christmas day sir.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Then I haven’t missed it.

Mrs. Dilber: Are you quite yourself sir?

Ebenezer Scrooge: I hope not! It’s Christmas Day! [Scrooge goes to the window] Merry [Cut to Scrooge shouting out of the window] Christmas, Everyone! [Spirit with Christmas coat on comes in from the door with smokes and clouds]

Extra Spirit: Christmas tidings Scrooge.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Cut to Scrooge shocked] Who are you?

Extra Spirit: [Cut to spirit walking in] I’m a spirit, Ebenezer.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Cut to Spirit and Scrooge] Marley told me there were only to be three spirits. Are you some sort of extra spirit?

Extra Spirit: Exactly, I’m so much more extra!

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Cut to Scrooge confused] I have seen my past, present and future. What is left for you to show me?

Extra Spirit: [Cut to Spirit and Scrooge] Maybe this. Watch. [Spirit gets behind the bed curtains and starts dancing flirty and feminine.]

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Cut to Scrooge] Okay. The other ghosts helped me to transform from a stingy miser into a giving, loving man. What lesson did I gain from that?

Extra Spirit: [Cut to Spirit] Seriously? You should be like, “Boy, why are you so extra?”

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Cut to Scrooge] I mean, I had a long night so maybe that’s why I’m not getting it?

Extra Spirit: [Cut to Spirit and Scrooge] It’s fine. I think I know what you need. [Spirits opens his Christmas coat and inside he I wearing glowing shiny tiny cape. Spirit starts stripping flirty and feminine] So?

Ebenezer Scrooge: Are you sure you have the right address?

Extra Spirit: Oh, come on! [Cut to Spirit] I’m being very extra for you and you’re not getting it.

Ebenezer Scrooge: [Cut to Scrooge] You took off a cape and had another cape on underneath. What’s to get?

Extra Spirit: [Cut to Spirit] It’s called a reveal, you fat head.

[Cut to Spirit and Scrooge. Mrs. Dilber comes in with other three people]

Mrs. Dilber: Mr. Scrooge, the Crutchette family are here.

Extra Spirit: Don’t worry. They won’t see me. I’m a ghost.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh, my good fella, come in. Happy Christmas.

Mr. Crutchett: Happy Christmas. What’s gotten into Mr. Scrooge?

Ebenezer Scrooge: Bob, I want to give you something. This is your Christmas bonus.

Mrs. Crutchett: [Cut to three Crutchette family] Bonus? How incredibly kind of you.

Mr. Crutchett: Thank Mr. Scrooge, Tiny.

Tiny: Thank you Mr. Scrooge. If I’m not so bold to ask, who is this well built ghost who’s been so extra?

Extra Spirit: [Cut to Spirit and Scrooge] Thank you! See, Tiny Tim gets it.

Ebenezer Scrooge: So they can see you?

Extra Spirit: Yeah, I guess so.

Tiny: [Cut to three Crutchette family] You’re always as extra as Christmas itself, with all it’s Tinsel and Goose dinners.

Extra Spirit: [Cut to Tiny, Spirit and Scrooge] You know what? Let me give it one last try because I think Scrooge might almost be there.

[Spirit throws away his pants and inside he’s wearing shiny underwear. Spirit starts stripping flirty and feminine]

[Tiny walks up front, throws his crutch and starts dancing]

Mr. Crutchett: Tiny, you can walk!

Tiny: Now, give me that bonus money! There’s something I need to do! Yes!

Extra Spirit: Twerk with me, Tiny Tim! Twerk with my Scrooge!

Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh, yes, I see it now. Yes!

[Cut to the story book. The book ends]

Weekend Update: Jules on the Economy | Season 44 Episode 7

Jules… Beck Bennett

[Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin: The economic issues facing our country are very complicated and hard to understand. Here to explain them is the so-called free-thinking economist. Please welcome Jules, who sees things a little differently.

[Jules slides in on his chair]

Jules: Wow, wow. Hi.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin: I’m already worried. So what is the big general overview of the economy right now?

Jules: [Cut to Jules] Well, first of all, I just want to say that growing up, I wasn’t like other kids. Like if other kids were watching cartoons, I was like making hats. If that makes sense. So I guess I just—I don’t know, I see things a little differently.

Colin: [Cut to Jules and Colin] Okay. What about something like about the economy?

Jules: [Cut to Jules] Okay, so you’re looking at the economy, like numbers, charts, buy, sell. Meanwhile, I’m looking at a baby, and I’m thinking that’s what we need, open eyes, skin so soft, no bones, just love Colin.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin: Babies have bones. Okay. What do you think about GM cutting almost 15,000 jobs? What does that mean for the auto industry?

Jules: [Cut to Jules] So, I don’t love taking like cars places. Because they’re just so like 1984 the book to me, like these were Orwellian machines, straight out of George Orwell if that makes sense.

Colin: [Cut to Jules and Colin] No, it does not. No.

Jules: So instead of driving a car, I like to like, [Cut to Jules] lay belly down on a long-board and use my arms the way a dolphin uses its fins. Sure, it takes longer. And yes, I’ve been hit by a couple of cars, but the thing about getting hit by a car Colin is that for just a moment I get to fly. [Cut to Jules and Colin. Colin has his palm on his face] Oh, look, Colin, chills.

Colin: Can I just ask, what do you do for a living?

Jules: I don’t know. I like to play.

Colin:  Oh, so gross.

Jules: [Cut to Jules] I just see people going work like—ra, ra, ra! I need money to put a roof over my head. But if you have a roof over your head, how are you going to see the stars?

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin: Dude!

Jules: And, yes, my dad [Cut to Jules] invented Oxycontin, and I get that makes a lot of money, but like we’re all just animals in people’s costumes, right?

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin: I have never hated anyone this much.

Jules: I guess the way I think makes me [Cut to Jules] a little strange. I’m kind of like dreaming while I’m awake, [Cut to [Cut to Jules and Colin. Colin pushes Jules away from the set slowly] while other people wait to go to sleep to dream. Meanwhile, me, I’m always dreaming because I see things just a little different Colin.

Colin: Jules, everyone.

Trump Argentina Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 7

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia… Fred Armisen

[Donald is sleepless at night and is standing in the hallway. Melania comes to call Donald to sleep]

Melania Trump: Donald, Donald come to bed.

Donald Trump: Melania, Melania, I’m having trouble sleeping. I keep having this nightmare where I’m walking through a forest of blood.

Melania Trump: No, no, that was just my Christmas decorations. What’s the matter, Donald? Do you not like Argentina?

Donald Trump: No, I love Argentina. There are a bunch of old German guys who are really into what I’m saying there.

Melania Trump: Yes, and our dinner with the Chinese president went well.

Donald Trump: I know, it was hilarious. Every time he said something, I sad in bed.

Melania Trump: Yes. Very funny. So what’s wrong?

Donald Trump: I just can’t stop thinking about this Mueller investigation. Sometimes it almost feels like he’s coming after me.

Melania Trump: Oh, cheer up, Donald! You know worst case scenario. You will go to prison, and you have to transfer your money to me for safe keeping, and I have to hire a jacked hunk to protect me. I mean that’s worse case. In fact, I’m going to go think about that worse case while I soak in the bathtub.

[Melania goes to bath]

Donald Trump: All right. I’ll be in soon, Honey. Oh, Donnie, you’ve really done it this time. Because you got to face all of those European leaders again. They just hate me because I’m a nationalist. What did nationalism ever do to Europe?

[Rudy comes to the screen acting weird]

Rudy Giuliani: Hi, Hi. [Cut to Rudy] [Cut to Rudy and Donald]

Donald Trump: Rudy, where did you come from?

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, I was hanging upside down under the balcony.

Donald Trump: What’s the latest on the mother probe?

Rudy Giuliani: Well, the good news is it’s almost over.

Donald Trump: And the bad news?

Rudy Giuliani: It’s almost over.

Donald Trump: How is my legal defense coming?

Rudy Giuliani: Well, I’m involved, so it’s not great. This might be the first time someone’s lawyer pleads insanity.

Donald Trump: God, I want to fire you, Rudy, but I can’t. You know all of my secrets.

Rudy Giuliani: Yep, and I keep those secrets where no one can find them, on nationally televised interviews. Okay. I need to run some errands before the sunrises. Good night, Donald.

[Rudy opens her hands side, he has bat wings under his arms][Rudy leaves the screen]

Donald Trump: Good-bye, Rudy. All alone again. No one understands me. Who can I call?  Someone who I know will always answer.

[Screen splits. Donald on the left side and Michael on the right side]

Michael Cohen: Yes, hello? Michael Cohen speaking. I’ll tell you anything you want.

Donald Trump: Michael, Michael, it’s Donald.

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, I’m not supposed to be talking to you.

Donald Trump: Come one. Michael.

Michael Cohen: I’m gonna get in trouble.

Donald Trump: But Mikey, Mikey Coco, I need a bowl of my Mikey Coco Puffs.

Michael Cohen: Okay, fine, I can’t say no to my Donald Trump-luphogus.

Donald Trump: There we go. You got to get me out of this. Who can I give up to the feds? What if I put my son Eric in some old age make-up and a fat suit and say it’s me?

Michael Cohen: I’m not sure it will work, sir.

Donald Trump: Trust me, Eric will never catch on.

Michael Cohen: Sorry, Mr.Trump, It’s over.

Donald Trump: Well, Michael, at least there are some things they can never take away from us. Our late night talks.

Michael Cohen: They got them on tape.

Donald Trump: Our vacations to Moscow.

Michael Cohen: They seized the records.

Donald Trump: What about our hairstylist, the blind man with the shaky hands?

Michael Cohen: He died like, months ago.

Donald Trump: I’m sad you’re going to prison, Michael. You were like a son to me.

Michael Cohen: Then why did you make me do so many illegal stuff?

Donald Trump: Because you’re like a son to me. Goodbye, Michael.

[Cut to Donald]

God, I haven’t been this upset since I flipped out over that parking space. How can anyone think I colluded with Russia?

Vladimir Putin: [Vladimir comes in topless]

] Donnie, why are you still up? Come back to bed, babe.

Donald Trump: I’m sorry, I can’t believe you and the crown prince of Saudi Arabia had the whole handshake yesterday.

Vladimir Putin: What that? That meant nothing to me. It was just a totally improvised handshake. I’m not like, bros with him or anything.

[Prince comes in]

Crown Prince: Hey, Vladi Daddy!

Vladimir Putin: Hey, in the end.

Vladimir Putin and Crown Prince: Number one!

Donald Trump: Wait, I thought I was your number one.

Vladimir Putin: Oh, totally. You’re not my side piece. You’re like my main girlfriend, and this guy is like a random hooker.

Crown Prince: Bro, [Cut to Vladimir and Prince] remember when we all race dune buggies last week?

Vladimir Putin: Yeah. And I was like did you really kill that journalist?

Crown Prince: I was like of course, I didn’t, on opposite day!

[Vladimir and Prince are doing their handshake][Cut to everybody]

Donald Trump: Well, Vlad, I’m sorry I had to cancel our meeting.

Vladimir Putin: No, I get it, Donnie. Hey, when am I moving into Trump Tower penthouse in Moscow? No, I’m kidding. I would never set a foot in a dump like that.

Crown Prince: Vladdy, check it. When I killed that guy the other day, Trump  was like, “Oh, please tell me you didn’t do it.” I was like, “Bitch, you want your oil or not?”

[Vladimir and Prince doing high-fives]

Vladimir and Prince: One, two, three, four!

Vladimir Putin: Anyway, you won’t see me for a while, Donnie. I prefer presidents who don’t get indicted.

Crown Prince: Come on, I’ll buy you a llama, and we’ll get it drunk.

Vladimir Putin: Oh, you’re so actually rich, I love you. Peace out.

[Vladimir and Prince leave]

Donald Trump: Wow, who knows what tomorrow will bring? For now, I guess, all I can say is

[Donald starts singing with his arms wide open]

Don’t cry for me Argentina

The truth I’m very guilty

Some little no-nos and maybe treason

But I kept my promise oops no, I didn’t

[Everyone comes into the screen singing]

Everybody: Don’t cry for us Argentina

Melania Trump: The truth is I barely know him

Vladimir and Prince: All through our wild days

Rudy: My mad existence

Michael: It’s just a witch-hunt

Everybody: And we’re all witches

And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!