Tag: Beck Bennett

SNL Host Matt Damon Goes All Out for Secret Santa | Season 44 Episode 9

Matt Damon

Beck Bennett

Mark Ronson

Miley Cyrus

Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clip of decorated Christmas tree][Cut to Matt Damon]

Matt Damon: And thus ended the great gift of 2004. [Cut to everybody sitting together] No, like I said, secret Santa [Cut to Matt Damon] is my favorite day of the year.

[Cut to everybody sitting together]

Beck Bennett: Me too.

Mark Ronson: All right.

Beck Bennett: Mark, you want to go first?

Mark Ronson: Yes, sure. Thanks. [Cut to Beck, Miley and Mark] [Mark opens the box] Oh. It’s a turkey sandwich.

Beck Bennett: Yeah, remember that one time I was eating a turkey sandwich and you were like, [Cut to Beck Bennett] “Looks good”.

Mark Ronson: I think I remember. [Cut to Beck, Miley and Mark] Yes, so you put it in the box and you gave it to me now.

[Cut to Matt Damon]

Matt Damon: That’s really, really weird Beck.

Beck Bennett: I don’t know. [Cut to Beck Bennett] I put my sandwich in a box.

Miley Cyrus: Okay, [Cut to Miley Cyrus] it’s my turn.

Matt Damon: Oh, well. [Cut to Matt Damon] The zig is up. [Cut to everybody] I got Miley this year. There you go.

Miley Cyrus: Thank you. [Cut to Miley Cyrus opening the box] [There’s diamond necklace inside the box] Oh, Matt. This is way too much. You said we were keeping it modest this year.

Matt Damon: [Cut to everybody] I know. I got carried away. [Cut to Matt Damon] I just love secret Santa.

Miley Cyrus: [Cut to Miley Cyrus] Thank you, so sweet. [Cut to Beck, Miley and Mark] Better than a turkey sandwich.

Beck Bennett: Well, I mean it depends on who you are.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: All right, I believe it’s my turn. [Cut to Cecily and Matt] Who is it?

Cecily Strong: It’s me.

Matt Damon: I knew it’s you. I know it.

Cecily Strong: I didn’t make eye contact.

Matt Damon: No, you didn’t. I was like, “It’s her”.

[Matt Damon opens the box and finds a scarf in it]

Cecily Strong: I made it myself. The scarf obviously. I didn’t finish it but.

[Cut to Matt Damon]

Matt Damon: Oh!

[Cut to Cecily and Matt]

Cecily Strong: Why don’t you put it on?

Matt Damon: Yeah! No, I’m- I’m so hot. I’m afraid I’ll get like a rash or some kind.

Cecily Strong: Do you like it?

Matt Damon: Yeah!

Cecily Strong: Then put it on!

Matt Damon: I don’t want to.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: It will definitely look good.

Mark Ronson: You should do it.

[Cut to Miley Cyrus]

Miley Cyrus: This was your idea. Secret Santa. Come on.

[Cut to Cecily and Matt]

Cecily Strong: Put it on.

Matt Damon: It doesn’t exactly go with–

Cecily Strong: Put it on.

[Cut to Matt Damon putting on the scarf]

Miley Cyrus: Oh, that is nice. [Cut to Miley and Mark]

Mark Ronson: Beautiful.

Matt Damon: I kind of feel like [Cut to Matt Damon] you guys are applauding to make me feel better about it.

Miley Cyrus: It’s great.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Don’t ever say something like that.

Miley Cyrus: You should [Cut to Miley Cyrus] definitely wear that outside.

[Cut to Cecily and Matt]

Cecily Strong: Why? You don’t like it?

Matt Damon: I didn’t say that. You ruined my favorite day.

Cecily Strong: What’s that?

Matt Damon: Merry Christmas.

Matt Damon Monologue | Season 44 Episode 9

Matt Damon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, Matt Damon.

[Cheers and applause]

[Matt Damon enters the door and walks to the stage. He claps with the audiences.]

Matt Damon: Thank you! Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so excited to be here for the ‘SNL’ Christmas show. [Cheers and applause] Nothing beats Christmas in New York city. Except Christmas in Boston. [Laughter] Go Sox! This is actually my second time hosting the show. The first time was 16 years ago. Yeah, that is five ‘Jason Bourne’s’ ago. [Laughter] I hosted the premiere of the 28th season. It was actually so long ago, it was Fred Armisen’s first episode. And tonight is Beck’s last episode.

[Cut to Beck Bennett back stage, shocked]

Beck Bennett: I’m sorry, say what?

[Cut to Matt Damon on the stage]

Matt Damon: Oh sorry, maybe they’re gonna tell you that later. But so much has happened in the last 16 years. I got married. I have four beautiful children. [Cheers and applause] I have been able to travel the world and meet so many wonderful people doing this job that I love to do so much. And if you told me that any of this would have happened 16 years ago, well, I might have believed you. But if you told me that Ben Affleck and would I have been washing cars in Summer Ville, Maschusetts, well I would have believed that too. [Laughter]

Now, I’m not actually here tonight to promote anything. I’m herejust  because I want to be. I certainly didn’t come all this way to suck. But if I do, at least my movie won’t suffer. Because I don’t have one coming out. [Laughter]

So it really does mean a lot for me to be here tonight. Growing up, my brother and I would go to my dad’s house every other weekend. And he told us if we could stay up until 1 AM, we could watch ‘Saturday Night Live’. So week after week I tried to stay up. But it wasn’t until I was 8 years old that I made it all the way to the end. And I probably didn’t get all of the jokes. But I laughed at everything my dad laughed at. And although it was way past our bedtime, my dad knew that there was nothing more important in the world than to laugh with the people that you love. So my father passed away a year ago yesterday.

But tonight my big brother is in Boston right now, watching with his two boys and all of my kids are here, including my youngest, who happens to be 8 years old. So, my wife and I told her that yeah, she can stay up tonight until 1 AM and she can watch ‘Saturday Night Live’. And she said, “Who’s hosting?” [Laughter] And I said, “Me, your dad. Matt Damon.” And she said, “Who’s the musical guest?” [Laughter]

Now because this is the last ‘SNL’ of the year, I just wanted to propose a toast [Matt Damon gets a glass of champagne] to everyone out there watching. Here’s to closing out the year, and to an even brighter year ahead. But mostly, here’s to all of the moms and dads to let their kids stay up too late for all of the right reasons. Cheers! [Cheers and applause]

Now we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Miley Cyrus and Mark Ronson are here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Cop Christmas | Season 44 Episode 9

Kelly… Matt Damon

Carl… Kenan Thompson

Connor… Beck Bennett

Captain… Alec Baldwin

Paul… Kyle Mooney

Maureen… Cecily Strong

Rhonda (Bartender)… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a shot of a bar]

Kelly: All right, another round for everybody. [Everybody sitting in the bar drinking bar] I’m buying this time.

Rhonda: You got it.

Carl: Oh, Kelly’s buying.

Connor: That’s what I call a Christmas miracle.

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Kelly: Just for that, make his smaller than everybody else’s.

Paul: His wife told me somebody did.

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: Good one, Paul.

Connor: At least I still have a wife [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] to go home to, Paul.

Kelly: I bet Paul [Cut to everyone] would settle for a home at this point. [Everybody laughing]

[Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: You aren’t get any action sleeping at your sister’s house.

Carl: But I am!

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Paul: You guys are breaking my balls. Come on now!

Kelly: Reminds me, Paul, I got you a little Christmas present here. It’s a gift certificate to that new massage parlor downtown. Y

[Cut to Captain and Carl][Everybody laughing]

Captain: Yeah. For your lonely nights.

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Kelly: No, but really, it’s pretty nice place. [Emotional music playing in the background] It’s a full spa. They do really good massages, facials, hot stones. I know we break balls a lot. But you’re a good guy.

Paul: You know what? I can actually use this, thanks.

Kelly: I hope you do.

Paul: Thanks, man.

Kelly: Hey, Paul, Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Carl, Paul and Kelly]

Carl: Hey, Paul, I got you a little something too.

Paul: Really, Carl?

Carl: [Carl takes out a box and gives it to Paul] Yeah, sure.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: Headphones, hey, for what?

Carl: For when me and your sister get a little too loud at night! [Cut to everybody laughing] No, but seriously, [Cut to Carl and Paul] I know that can’t be easy for you, man. I mean I’m having sex with your little sister. You’re right there on the couch.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Those walls are paper thin. You must hear everything.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: I just mind my business. It’s cool.

Carl: No, it’s not cool! It’s not cool at all! And I know we break balls a lot. Right? [Cut to everybody agreeing] Yeah, we break a lot of balls. We’ve been friends since the academy. [Cut to Carl and Paul] I would hate to put a strain on that.

Paul: Say here, they’re noise-canceling beats by Dre. You must have paid a lot of dough for these.

Carl: Some of the boys gypped in.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Yeah, some of us felt pretty rotten about nailing her too.

[Cut to Everybody]

Paul: Thanks. That means a lot, Captain. I’m just happy she’s with you guys, and not some jerks.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Hey, Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas. Hey, is this a party or what?

[Maureen walks behind them]

Kelly: Where are you going? [Cut to Carl, Maureen, Paul and Kelly] Do a round with us, Maureen, come on.

Paul: It’s not like you have plans on a Friday night!

Maureen: Its’ a nice night, Paul. I figured I’d go let your mother out for a walk. [Everybody laughing]

Paul: You know what, Maureen, [Cut to Everybody] I think my mother would really like that. [Cut to Maureen and Paul] This fresh air could really do her good.

Maureen: Yeah, I think so too. Merry Christmas, Paul.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Kelly: All right, let’s get those shots! [Rhonda brings the shots]

Connor: How do you like that, we’re getting shots from the worst shot on the force!

Paul: Hey, you’re the worst shot I have ever seen, Connor!

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Connor: Yeah, right!

Paul: Yeah, remember when you accidentally shot my wife?

Connor: Who, Beverly?

Paul: Yes! I only had one wife and you shot her. What a goof!

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Who’s the boss tonight. [Captain takes the shot]

[Cut to Everybody]

Connor: Hey, look, Paul, I’m actually glad you brought that up [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] because—I haven’t been sleeping good since that all went down.

Paul: Hey, man, forget it. You know, it’s been months already.

Connor: No, no, let me say this, Paul. I shot your wife at your wedding. And I guess I had a few too many, and I messed up. Big time.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Any one of us could have shot his wife at their wedding.

Connor: Yeah, sure, [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] but I did. If I’m being honest, part of me still feels like it’s the reason she left you that night. I’m sorry, okay. I’m truly sorry, man. [Connor stands and leaves]

Paul: Wait, Connor. [Connor pauses] Merry Christmas.

Connor: Merry Christmas, man.

Kelly: Merry Christmas, Connor.

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Hey, Rhonda, put everything on my tab.

[Cut to Rhonda]

Rhonda: They’ve already been using your card. It’s 2 grand!

[Everybody laughing]

[Cut to Everybody]

Paul: You guys breaking balls! [Everybody laughing]

Christmas Ornaments | Season 44 Episode 9

Husband… Kyle Mooney

Wife… Melissa Villaseñor

Drunk Santa… Beck Bennett

Good Will Hunting ornament… Matt Damon

Harry Potter… Mikey Day

Souvenir from Cleveland… Kenan Thompson

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Barb… Aidy Bryant

The Angel… Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clip of house in Christmas]

Husband: There it is. I love this one, [Cut to husband and wife decorating Christmas tree inside their house] drunk Santa. This baby’s going front and center.

Wife: Oh, come on babe, drunk Santa is tacky. This is a classy tree.

Husband: Okay, sorry. Drunk Santa, you’ve been sentenced to the back of the tree. [Husband places the Drunk Santa at the back of the tree]

[Cut to ornaments at the back of the tree]

Drunk Santa: Wait, wait, wait, wait, where am I! [Talking over each other] Why am I back here with all of you?

Souvenir from Cleveland: All of us losers? The d-listers? Face it, Fish, you’re one of us! [Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland] The ornaments that are only seen by the wall. I’m your peer now. Take a good look at me! I’m a souvenir from your trip to Cleveland. You heard that right, Cleveland. And greeting singular from Cleveland, I was clearly bought at an airport. I’m head to toe nudes and when you lose, you lose. I’m back here with the freaks, and the fuglies, and now you are too.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland, Drunk Santa and Good Will Hunting ornament]

Drunk Santa: But I’m funny.

Souvenir from Cleveland: Ha-ha! You all hear that, he’s funny! Fool, you’re tacky, and tacky goes in backy!

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: But I was in front of the tree once.

Good Will Hunting ornament: So was I, fish, [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] years ago. And for your consideration promotional “Good Will Hunting” ornament. Yeah, cause that makes sense. “Good Will Hunting” screams Christmas. [Cut to Drunk Santa confused] And get this, I can talk too. You want to hear that sound like with [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] 20 year old batteries?  [In dead battery voice] “How do you like them apples?”

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh, no, I don’t like them at all!

Good Will Hunting ornament: What, [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] you don’t think it’s fair? On the back of me, you know what it says? It says, “Happy holidays from the Weinstein company”. Yeah, that holds up. [Cut to Drunk Santa] I’ve aged about as well as Rudy over there.

Drunk Santa: Who’s Rudy?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: Me, a Rudy Giuliani Ornament from 2001. I still don’t understand why I’m back here. I’m America’s mayor. Did something change?

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Yes, you see that Fish, you got to accept you’re back of the tree material now. Don’t be like Harry Potter, who refuses to accept that. Since the back of his quidditch broom broke, he looks like he’s doing something nasty.

[Cut to Harry Potter. It looks like he’s holding his penis in place of the broom]

Harry Potter: Be quiet! I look like I play quidditch, and nothing more!

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland:  You look like the cover of a “Harry Potter” porno!

[Cut to Harry Potter]

Harry Potter:  No, I don’t. And when they get me a new broom, I’ll be back on the front, you’ll see!

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Potter’s got the most dangerous thing you can have back here, hope.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right, Fish. You should give up, like Barb.

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Barb, who’s Barb?

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Kill me!

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh god, what is she?

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Beats me. Kid brought her home from Kindergarten, and said I made a Christmas and that’s all we know.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Barb, what the hell even are you?

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Barb is dead. You call me what I am. You call me Macaroni turd.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland, Drunk Santa and Good Will Hunting ornament][Someone starts to sing]

Drunk Santa: What is that?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani:  That my fiend, is the angel.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: She’s a destroyed ornament kept for sentimental value.

Souvenir from Cleveland: She used to be the angel, [Cut to the Angel facing sideways] living large up on top of the tree. And then a light bulb melted off her damn head. [The Angel turns her head. Her half head is melt.] She’s never been the same since.

[The Angel sings in a horrible voice]

[Cut to Harry Potter]

Harry Potter: She sings us to sleep ever night. The anthem of the ugly, the hymn of the hideous.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Let me be the first to say greeting from the back of the tree.

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Macaroni turd could be a friend to you.

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh, god, I can’t believe I’m going to spend my Christmas back here with you people.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Believe it Fish, you’re one of us now. [In dead battery voice] How do you like them apples?

Weezer | Season 44 Episode 9

Beck Bennett

Martha… Heidi Gardner

Matt Damon

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a video clip of a house in a Christmas night]

[Laughing]

[Cut to dining hall with six adults]

Beck: I mean, we can laugh at it now.

Martha: That’s our favorite story.

Matt Damon: So good.

Martha: Can I get anyone a drink?

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan Thompson: Real quick, hey, just so you know, I just got to say thank you so much for inviting us. I know we just moved into the neighborhood but it’s nice to have company around the holidays.

Leslie Jones:  Yes, you all have been so welcoming.

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Don’t mention it. That’s what neighbors are for.

[Cut to Beck and Martha]

Beck:  Yeah. You’re welcome here anytime.

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Thank you so much.

Cecily Strong: Cheers to our new neighbors.

[Cut to everyone]

Everbody: Cheers! Cheers!

[Music plays]

Matt Damon: Oh, Now we’re talking. Who put this on?

Cecily Strong: This song sounds familiar. What is this again?

Martha: I don’t know, it’s on shuffle.

Matt Damon: I’m sorry. [Cut to Matt and Cecily] Wait, you haven’t heard this yet? This Weezer’s cover of “Africa”. It’s good right?

[Cut to Beck and Martha]

Beck: Wheezer? I didn’t know they were still a band.

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Haha. Where the hell have you been, Rick? They just set a released date for the freaking “Black” album. [Cut to everyone in the dining hall] I mean, they’re laying new year’s rocking eve. Come on, Weezer!

Beck: Oh, okay. Ha.

Leslie Jones: So you call yourself a Weezer fan?

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan Thompson: Baby, please it’s Christmas.

Leslie Jones: No, no, no, I’m just asking him a question. Sounds like you’re into that new stuff?

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Damn straight. I mean I think they’re doing some real cool things right now.

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan Thompson: ♪Baby be cool♪

Leslie Jones: I’m just getting to know the neighbors. I’m just a little confused because real Weezer fans know that they haven’t had a good album since “Pinkerton” in 96’.

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Oh! Uh-oh. Looks like we got a purist in the house. All right, I’m going to have fun with this.

Cecily Strong: What’s happening right now?

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie Jones:  What’s happening is that Weezer put out two perfect albums, “Blue” and “Pinkerton”, and the rest have been pretty corny.

[Cut to Matt and Cecily]

Matt Damon: Well, that’s your opinion, but me, I’m ride or die.

Cecily Strong: For Weezer?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: They’ve been trash since 2001, son.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: Well if you think that, then you ain’t going to like what I’m about to say.

[Cut to Beck and Martha]

Beck: Well then please don’t say it.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: “Pork and beans” is better than “Buddy Holly”.

[Cut to everyone in the dining hall]

Leslie Jones: Oh! Oh, I’m sorry. You’re dumb. Beck, tell him he’s dumb! [Leslie stands with her champagne]

[Cut to Beck and Leslie]

Martha: Is this something people care about?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: No, no, it isn’t.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: Wait, let me guess, you only listened to the first two records?

Leslie Jones: Hey, man, [Cut to everyone in the dining hall] I’ll go all the way.

Matt Damon: You know what you sound like right now? [Matt also stands] Okay, hold on. Here’s what you sound like, you sound like, [Cut to Matt] “Oh, hey I’m stuck in 1994. High school’s awesome!” Why don’t you grow the hell up. Listen to “Raditude”, listen to “Pacific Daydreams.”

[Cut to Leslie. She is laughing hard]

Leslie Jones: Pacific Daydream is not music, man.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: No offense, but burn in hell. I mean you just don’t understand what Rivers is going through right now.

[Cut to Leslie][Leslie grabs her champagne glass and breaks it with a tight grasp][Leslie is angry]

Leslie Jones: Bitch! [Cut to everyone in the dining hall] Rivers doesn’t understand what Rivers is going through right now! I know more about Rivers than he knows about himself.

Martha: I’m gathering that Rivers might be a guy in Weezer?

Matt Damon: Look, can we all just agree that Weezer is the best band of all time?

[Some say ‘Yes’, some say ‘No’. Leslie says ‘Yes’.]

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: And then became the worst band of all time!

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: What? Do you even listen to “Memories”?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: [Laughing] [Leslie talks while she claps] You are a grown-ass man! You bringing up stuff from early?

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: [Matt claps while talking to mock Leslie] It was in “Jask ass 3D”.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: [Laughing] Weezer died when Matt Sharp left.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: Weezer didn’t start until Scott Shriner got there!

[Cut to everyone in the dining hall]

Leslie Jones: Oh, you trying to die. [Leslie tries to jump on Matt]

Kenan Thompson: Baby, calm down! I will testify this time.

Cecily Strong: Hey, you know what band I always liked? [Cut to Matt and Cecily] Yellow card.

Matt Damon: No offense, Tammy, but drink my blood.

Cecily Strong: What? Is that a Weezer reference?

Matt Damon: No, no, that is a Todd original. You know, I don’t even know why I cam here tonight.

[Cut to Beck, Martha, Matt and Cecily]

Martha: Yeah, neither do we.

Beck: No one technically invited you.

Matt Damon: Oh, can it, dork. Martha, no offfense, your neighbors suck and I’m glad we’re divorced. But if you want to get back together with me— [Matt starts walking away]

Martha: I don’t.

Matt Damon: But if you do want to get back together with me, you know where to find me.

[Cut to Kenan, Matt and Leslie]

Martha: Don’t say it!

Matt Damon: ♪Living in Beverly Hills♪[Matt mocks Leslie with the song and leaves]

Leslie Jones: Well, I actually like that song.

It’s a Wonderful Trump Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 9

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Clarence… Kenan Thompson

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Kellyanne… Kate McKinnon

Donald Jr. Trump… Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

Melania… Cecily Strong

Hernia… Heidi Gardner

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Mike Pense… Beck Bennett

Brett Kavanaugh… Matt Damon

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with a black and white video clip of bell ringing] [Cut to address board saying ‘You are in Washington, D.C.’][Cut to video clips of White House office]

Unknown speaker 1: And lord, please help Donald Trump. He’s not a good man, but he is in trouble.

Unknown speaker 2: Joseph, Jesus and Mary, help Mr. Trump tonight. He’s a nightmare, but he’s all I got.

Melania: Please send an angel to help my Donald tonight. Oh, and I would also like a Cartier watch, thank you.

[Cut to Donald Trump coming out to the balcony]

Donald Trump: Well, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I might actually eat a salad and explode.

[Clarence walks to Donald Trump]

Clarence: What seems to be trouble, Donald?

Donald Trump: Who are you? Stay back.

Clarence: Relax, I mean you no harm. My name is Clarence. And I was send here from heaven. I heard you are in trouble.

Donald Trump: Oh, it’s awful. Everything is falling apart. Sometimes I wish I had never been president.

Clarence: A world where you were never president, hey? I think we can arrange that.

[Cut to intro of ‘It’s a Wonderful Trump’]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence walk into the room full of people]

Donald Trump: Wow! Everyone looks so different. What are those things on their faces?

Clarence: Those are called smiles.

[Sarah walks to Donald Trump]

Sarah: Hey, Mr. Trump, [Cut to Sarah and Donald Trump] I just wanted to say Merry Christmas.

Donald Trump: It’s President Trump, Sarah.

Sarah: Oh, that’s a good one! Seriously though, I just wanted to thank you for suggesting I go into PR. I’ve made so much money working for so many awesome companies like Facebook and Ashley Madison and The Romaine Lettuce Association. Merry Christmas Donald. [Sarah leaves]

Donald Trump: Wait, Sarah isn’t my press secretary?

Clarence:  I told you, Donald. You don’t have a press secretary. Because you weren’t elected president.

[Kellyanne walks to Donald Trump]

Kellyanne: Yeah, hello, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, my god, you look incredible! So healthy and vibrant.

Kellyanne: Actually that’s because I’m actually no longer eaten from within by lies. And after we lost the campaign, the devil did give me my soul back. So, excuse me, [Cut to Kellyanne] I have to go find my husband, who I do speak to now. [Kellyanne leaves]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wait, so Hillary is president?

Clarence: That’s right. In this reality, all she had to do to win was visit Wisconsin once.

Donald Trump: But, did they find her e-mails?

Clarence: They did. They were all bed, bath and beyond coupons.

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric walks to Donald Trump]

Don Jr.: Hello, father.

Donald Trump: Oh, my sons, [Cut to Don Jr., Eric, Donald Trump and Clarence] my boys, Don Jr. and Eric. Eric is that a Rubik’s cube?

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric]

Eric: And finito, haha. That’s Italiano for finished.

[Cut to Don Jr., Eric, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: What the hell is happening with Eric?

Don Jr.: Well, since Eric does not run the entire Trump Organization, he was able to attend adult education classes.

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric]

Eric: Merry Christmas, father. Or as they say in Spanish, Feliz Nasty-dad.

Don Jr.: You got a way to go buddy. [Don Jr. and Eric leave]

[Melania walks to Donald Trump]

Melania: Donald, so nice to see you. How are you?

Donald Trump: Melania, what happened to your accent?

[Cut to Melania]

Melania: Oh, I lost it after we got divorced. They said being around you all the time was hurting my language skills.

[Cut to Melania and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you’re still smocking hot! Are you holding up okay?

Melania: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [Cut to Melania] I have a huge real estate empire now. I figured if Donald can do it, anyone can do it. And I’m happily remarried to Papa John.

[Hernia walks near Melania][Cut to Hernia, Melania, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: And who is this woman?

Melania: Oh, don’t you recognize her? She’s your new wife Hernia.

Clarence: Yeah, she was a suitcase girl in the Serbian version of “Deal or No Deal”.

[Cut to Hernia and Melania]

Hernia: It’s called “Potato or No Potato”. And I did this. [Gesturing as if she’s opening something and moving her lips as saying “potato”.]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Jackpot.

Clarence: I’ll say. I’m an angel. But I ain’t no angel. You know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Michael Cohen walks to Donald Trump and hugs him]

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, Merry Christmas!

Donald Trump: Michael Cohen, shouldn’t you be in jail after you flipped on me?

Michael Cohen: What? I would never, ever flip on you. [Cut to Michael Cohen] You’re my best friend. And since it’s Christmas, I just want to say, you taught me everything I know.

Donald Trump: Oh, come on, Michael.

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Michael Cohen: No, it’s true. Every single thing I’ve done is because [Cut to Michael Cohen] you directed me to do it. And I hope everyone knows it. We’re a team like O.J. and Kato, or Lyle and Erik Menendez.

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, Merry Christmas, Michael.

Michael Cohen: And I’ll see you tomorrow at the grand opening of Trump Tower Moscow!

[Michael Cohen leaves]

[Music starts playing]

Donald Trump: Wait, what’s that music?

Clarence: Mike Pense is deejaying.

[Cut to Mike Pense deejaying]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Mike, is that what you’re doing now?

[Cut to Mike Pense]

Mike Pense: Oh, hell yeah, dog. It’s so great to be myself. Thank god I was never your vice president. I would just be sitting in meetings with you and Pelosi and Schumer just staring out in space imagining this. [Mike Pense starts dancing]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wow. So everyone is better off without me being president.

Clarence: Well, not just them. You’re better off too.

[Cut to a doctor standing beside Donald Trump]

Doctor: Oh, my god, Donald. Your hair, it worked!

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: What is she talking about?

Clarence: Well, this is a Muslim immigrant from Syria. She was allowed to come to America. And she discovered a permanent solution for hair loss.

Donald Trump: My god, it’s all real. If there’s no Muslim ban, what about a potential terrorist attack?

Clarence: Well, it was foiled by a team of transgender NAVY S.E.A.L.S.

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh walking in]

Brett Kavanaugh: All right, when is the party getting started? Whew!

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Brett Kavanaugh, how is the supreme court?

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh]

Brett Kavanaugh: Me on the supreme court? With my temperament, are you insane? No, they went with that nerd Merrick Garland. But on the plus side when I tell people I like beer, they find it charming and not like I’m threatening violence. Plus, I have so much more time now to hang out with P.J. and Squee and Needle Dick Nick and no means yes Nate. [Cut to Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump and Clarence] Hey, I brought a little present for you. It’s a calendar. And every day is a different beer.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Brett.

Brett Kavanaugh: Merry Christmas, everyone. Let’s do this! [Brett Kavanaugh leaves]

Donald Trump: But Clarence, what about my agenda, all of the things I wanted to accomplish as president?

Clarence: Well, that’s the best part about not being president. You can still say the same stuff, build a wall, bring back coal. But you don’t have to deal with the fact that all of your ideas are impractical or insane. So Americans love you.

Donald Trump: Wow, this is all so great. It’s like Robert Mueller doesn’t exist.

[Cut to Robert Mueller walking in]

[Cut to Robert Mueller and Donald Trump]

Robert Mueller: Oh, really? Hello, Mr. Trump. I have waited for this moment for a long time.

Donald Trump: Mr. Mueller, I’ve been meaning to come and talk to you, but, golf.

Robert Mueller: I have something for you.

Donald Trump: Is it a subpoena or your final report?

Robert Mueller: No, report? [Cut to Robert Mueller] No, no. No, it’s a picture of my grandson. I’ve been spending so much more time with him since I don’t have to investigate some idiot for treason.

[Cut to Robert Mueller and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Wait, it sounds like you know I used to be president.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I know everything. Everything!

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wow, this night has put everything into perspective. I have had an epiphany. I guess the world does need me to be president after all.

Clarence: Yeah, that was not the lesson at all.

Donald Trump: I want to be president again! I want to be president again!

[Kellyanne walks to Donald Trump]

Kellyanne: Listen, Donald, every time a bell rings, [The video changes to color video with everyone in the scene] someone you know quits or goes to jail.

Donald Trump: So I am president again! It’s a Christmas miracle!

Clarence: No, not the lesson!

Donald Trump: So Merry Christmas, everyone! And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

New HBO Shows | Season 44 Episode 17

Jon Snow… Kit Harington

Ygritte (White Walker)… Heidi Gardner

Sam… Kyle Mooney

Gilly… Cecily Strong

Tormund Giantsbane… Mikey Day

Hodor… Beck Bennett

[Starts with game of thrones intro]

Narrator: Game Of Thrones, the final season. [Cut to different movie clips from Game of Throne series] Only six episodes remain until we say goodbye to HBO’s thrilling saga. But the journey continues with prequels, sequels and spinoffs. [Cut to trailer of Castle Black] Like “Castle Black”, a sexy moody drama about forbidden love.

[Cut to Jon Snow drinking wine]

Ygritte: Hey. [Ygritte as a white walker comes in]

Jon Snow: You came.

[Cut to Ygritte]

Ygritte: Yeah. And you promised that when winter came you would tell your friends about me, about us. Well, winter is here, Jon.

[Cut to Jon Snow]

Jon Snow: It’s not that simple. You’re dead.

[Cut to Ygritte]

Ygritte: You were dead too.

[Cut to Jon Snow. He stands up emotionally.]

Jon Snow: That was different and you know it. [Ygritte starts opening her clothes] What are you doing? Stop. Stop that.

Ygritte: This is what you want, isn’t it? Come take it. [Ygritte is only skeleton inside her clothes] [Laughter]

Narrator: And check out everyone’s favorite [Cut to video clip of Arya Stark from Game of Thrones] assassin in cartoon form. [Cut to video clip of Arya in cartoon form] It’s Arya.

[Cut to cartoon. A boy is talking to Arya in the hallway of school.]

Cartoon Boy: Hey, Arya, are you going to dance with the faceless man? [Arya stabs the boy’s neck with her needle sword and kills him.]

[Cut to Arya]

Cartoon Arya: A girl is going with her friends.

[Cut to promotion video clips of The Queen of King’s Landing]

Narrator: And if you’re looking for laughs, you’ll love Sam and Gilly in “The Queen of King’s Landing”.

[Cut to Sam in the kitchen. Gilly walks inside later with her baby]

Gilly: Sam, what happened to the kitchen? [Cut to Gilly] Were we attacked by the free folk?

[Cut to Sam]

Sam: Even worse. I tried to make dinner.

[Cut to Sam and Gilly]

[Cut to different promotional video clips]

Narrator: Plus it’s going to be a game of crossovers with shows like [A picture of Cersei appears] Cersei and the City, [Cut to pictures of Grey Worm, Lord Verys, Theon Greyjoy] No ballers, [Cut to pictures of Mellisandre] The Marvelous Mrs. Mellisandre, and [Cut to dragons breathing fire] Dragons aren’t the only ones spitting fire on. [Cut to intro of Wildling Out] Wildling Out.

[Cut to rap battle between Wildlings]

Tormund Giantsbane: This white bitch know he can’t stop me. Yo, why y’all got me out here battling bootleg king Joffrey?

[Cut to promotion video clips of HBO KIDS shows]

Narrator: And over on HBO kids, we got family friendly shows like Dire Guys and Hodor’s house.

[Cut to Hodor is holding the door from the inside]

Hodor: Hodor! [Hodor leaves the door and smiles] [Cut to flowers laughing at Hodor]

[Cut to promotion video clips of Game of Thrones Special Victims Unit]

Narrator: And franchises collide in our new procedural, “GOT SVU”.

[Cut to detectives in a crime scene wearing similar clothes to the Game of Thrones]

Male Detective: You tell me some sick son of a bitch cuts his thing off.

Female detective: Yes.

Male Detective: Then fed it to his dog?

Female detective: Seems so.

Male Detective: Then gauze the man’s eyes out.

Female detective: Yeah.

Male Detective: Then fed in his own eyes?

Female detective: Bingo

[Cut to detectives and a human corpse]

Male Detective: then wore his dead skin to an orgy.

Female detective: Ding ding.

Male Detective: Then got busy in the holes where his eyes used to be?

Female detective: Circle gets the square.

[Cut to outro of Game of thrones]

Narrator: Game of thrones. We’re going full “Star Wars” on this.

Soccer Broadcast | Season 44 Episode 15

Peter Toppman… Mikey Day

Jeremy Feathers… Alex Moffat

David Kooseman… Idris Elba

Anna… Heidi Gardner

Rose… Melissa Villaseñor

Will Hutchins… Beck Bennett

[Starts with intro of Premier League Football by Sky Sports]

Narrator: Sky Sports presents Premier League Football. Manchester United and Arsenal.

[Cut to Peter Toppam and Jeremy Feathers in their program set]

Peter Toppam: Welcome to our prematch coverage. Peter Toppam announcing today alongside Jeremy Feathers here at Emirates stadium.

Jeremy Feathers: And a special guest joins us in the booth. He’d normally be on the pitch for Arsenal. But a nasty ligament tear last week put him on the injured list. So, he’s trying his hand at announcing.

Peter Toppam: Hand. Yellow card.

Jeremy Feathers: Oh, you snitch.

Peter Toppam: Making his broadcast debut, arsenal defender, [Cut to David Kooseman] David ‘the bruiser’ Kooseman.

David Kooseman: Yeah.

Peter Toppam: All right. [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] Now, as you are a man of few words. Fans have rather cheekily nicknamed you Dumb David.

David Kooseman: Yeah.

Peter Toppam: Now, I think you might be a secret intellectual.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Nah.

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Jeremy Feathers: Alright. Tell us David, how’s the leg?

David Kooseman: Which one?

Jeremy Feathers: Well, the leg you injured David, how is it?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: It’s injured, isn’t it?

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Yes. Any idea when we can expect you back on the field again?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Yeah. When my leg’s better.

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Peter Toppam: Right. Well, we wish you a speedy recovery. In the meantime you’re here with us. Feels a bit different in a suit and tie on, rather than your kit. How does it feel?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: It feels a bit gay.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: All right, don’t say that David.

Jeremy Feathers: Okay, well, Arsenal’s defense has been playing catch up and we saw a good example of that last week against Tottenham. [Cut to video clip of the match] Harry Kane on the attack [The video clip pauses] and look at Arsenal’s defenders. [Circling two defenders] One behind the play, one trying to get in front of it. David, anything to add?

David Kooseman: Yeah. [David adds to drawing of two circles into a penis]

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Jeremy Feathers: Come on. David, come on.

Peter Toppam: You’re a grown man, David. Well, lots of supporters in the stadium today including [Cut to Anna in the audience] Arsenal star Roy Milleroon’s wife, Anna.

Jeremy Feathers: Yes, there she is now, ready to cheer on her husband.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Yeah, I’d smash that.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: That’s gross David. That’s your team mate’s wife.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: He smashes all the girls on the road. He can’t be mad if I nob his wife.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Don’t say that, David. Okay. Anna, of course, [Cut to Anna and Rose] joined today in the stands by her mum Rose.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Yeah, I’d smash that too.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: All right. Wish you had not said that. Because next to Rose [Cut to Rose and Alicia] is your wife David, Alicia.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: She’s a good bird, faithful.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Right, yes. Well, now our player to watch this week is Arsenal striker [Cut to player screen with Will Hutchins] Will Hutchins coming off three straight matches of Stellar Play. [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] Now, David what are your thoughts on your teammate.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Well, he’s got a good knob for a white guy. I’ll tell you.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Don’t say that.

Jeremy Feathers: It’s inappropriate.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I saw it in the shower. Massive. Good for him man.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Well, Arsenal has the working out for them today. Man United of course. Quite a tough squad to beat.

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Peter Toppam: Yes. David, let’s say you’re the coach of the Arsenal.  What do you say to the boys before the match?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Well, yeah, I’m not the coach, though, am I?

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Right, but pretend you are, what do you say to the team?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I’d say “Sorry, lads, the coach is dead, and I’m the coach now.”

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Peter Toppam: Don’t worry about justifying why you David are the coach. You just are. Let’s try this. I’m an arsenal player. Give me a prematch pep talk.

David Kooseman: You couldn’t play, [Cut to David]  you’re too small, look at you.

Peter Toppam: All right, [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] let’s say I am on the team. What would you say to me before the match?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I’d say “Sorry mate, I have to trade you, because you’re to small.”

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Forget me, let’s say it’s Jared.

Jeremy Feathers: Yeah, I’m on the team. Now, what do you tell me before kick off?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I’d say, “Sorry I had to trade your mate because he’s too small.”

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Okay, let’s just scrap the coach scenario.

Peter Toppam: You’re no longer the coach, you’re David, what strategy do you give the team?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Well, now, that’s the coach’s job, isn’t it?

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Right. Well, David, we’re thrilled you’ll be joining us here for the next 10 games.

Jeremy Feathers: Yes, yes, and coming up [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] the Pizza Express Look Around the League.

David Kooseman: I think pizza express tastes like an old man’s diaper.

Peter Toppam: All right. That’s the worst one yet David.

Jeremy Feathers: Oh, David. No. Stay with us.

Family Feud: Oscar Nominees | Season 44 Episode 13

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Spike Lee… Don Cheadle

Glenn Close… Kate McKinnon

Sam Elliot… Beck Bennett

Olivia Colman… Cecily Strong

Lady Gaga… Melissa Villaseñor

Bradley Cooper… Kyle Mooney

Rami Malek… Pete Davidson

Mahershala Ali…Chris Redd

[Starts with Celebrity Family Feud intro with celebrities in the program set.]

Narrator: It’s time to play Celebrity Family Feud, Oscar Nominees. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve walks in the set]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay. Now, welcome to Celebrity Family Feud, Oscar Nominees. I never won an Oscar. I do got an EGOT, as in he got a lot of buttons on this jacket. All our contestants today is up for Oscars. We got film veterans [Cut to team Veterams, who are Spike lee, Glenn Close, Sam Eliott and Olivia Colman] versus movie newbies [Cut to team Newbies, who are Lady Gaga, Bradley Cooper, Rami Malek and Mahershala Ali].

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

All right. We were gonna do a team of all black woman nominees, but Regina King is on vacation. On the veteran side, he’s nominated for director of “BlacKkKlansman”, Mr. Spike Lee.

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: Brooklyn in the house.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You think you’re going to win, Spike?

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: Come on, Steve, I bought season tickets to the New York Knicks every year for the past 25 years. You think I like winning?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh snap. You funny. You like a little Black Leprechaun. All right, next from “The Wife” is Glenn Close.

[Cut to Blenn Close]

Glenn Close: Don’t you touch me. You come here week after week with your lies and cheap suits. Pitting family against family. Well, guess what, Steve. I’m tired of feuding. I’m tired. I’m kidding. I’m very well. Thank you.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: That was weird. I think you trying to get an Oscar for best performance on a game show. All right. Next, he is nominated for “A Star is Born”, Mr. Sam Elliott.

[Cut to Sam Elliott]

Sam Elliott: Real nice to be here Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, what you going do if you win that Oscar Sam?

[Cut to Sam Elliott]

Sam Elliott: Well, I’ll probably sell it and get my necks fixed. Damn thing won’t stand up right.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, you like a barbecue sauce commercial came to life. And from the movie “The Favor You Like” is some lady named Olivia Coleman.

[Cut to Olivia Coleman]

Olivia Coleman: Hi, actually “The Favorite”. It’s British. I’m Olivia. A very celebrated English actress. Played two queens– I’m sorry. I’m a bit pissed at the moment. I’ve been celebrating my two Golden Globes. None of you know who the hell I am. I can do or say whatever I want. So I really love it. Oh, whee!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you are cheeky little crumpet. All right. Let’s go to the newbie side. She’s a singer nominated for best actress and she was named by a baby. It’s Lady Gaga.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: Thank you. It is such an honor to be on the feud. If 99 people are surveyed, you just need one person to believe in you to win the game.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, I don’t think that’s how it works.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: It works if you dream it. [Starts singing]

[Bradley Cooper joins Lady Gaga]

Bradley Cooper: Isn’t she great?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Bradley Cooper. What you doing on the newbie side?

[Cut to Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: He has to be with me. It’s a rule.

Bradley Cooper: I saw this woman at the Superbowl halftime show and had this wild idea. I thought, maybe she could play a singer.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you thinking outside the box. All right. Next, he’s nominated for “Bohemian Rhapsody”. Mr. Rami Malek. [Cut to Rami Malek. Rami has no expression.] Congratulations, Rami.

Rami Malek: Thanks. I’m so surprised.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, you look surprised, player. Your eyeballs look like they ‘bout to make a run for it. And finally, he’s nominated for the ‘Green Book’, it’s Mahershala Ali.

[Cut to Mahershala Ali]

Mahershala Ali: Wonderful to be here.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, I got a question about the last scene in your movie where the white guy teaches the black guy how to eat fried chicken.

[Cut to Mahershala Ali]

Mahershala Ali: That wasn’t the last scene Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: It was for me. Let’s get two players up here. Let’s go.

[Lady Gaga and Spike Lee walks to the buzzer to start the game]

Lady Gaga: Spike, I adore your films. I’d love to be in one sometime.

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: Oh, that’s so nice. No.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Okay. 100 people surveyed. Top six answers on the board. Everybody gotta look their best for the Oscars. Name something you do when you want to look sexy. [Lady Gaga hits the buzzer first] [Beeping] Gaga.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: I feel sexy when I’m on stage and I make the face of a lion that’s about to pounce. Like this.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Hmm, okay. Show me stroke face. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, I’m sorry. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee] Not up there. Spike, you gotta answer.

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: If I want to do sexy, I put on a romantic movie.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Oh, that’s nice. Like what?

Spike Lee: “Roots”.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me getting freaky to the wrong stuff. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is right] [Ringing]Oh, it’s up there. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee] Number three answer. All right. Y’all got the board. [Cut to team Steve Harvey and team Veterans] Okay, Glen Close, something you do when you want to feel sexy.

Glenn Close: Don’t touch me. [Cut to Glenn Close] You want to know what’s sexy? A woman in her prime. A woman who has stories written in the lines of her face. You look right passed me. Don’t you? Well, one day you’re gonna look up and I will be long gone. I’m just kidding. Lingerie, maybe?

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Glenn Close and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Okay, show me queuing up the scenery. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, it’s not there. I’m sorry. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee] Sam Elliott, something you do to feel sexy.

Sam Elliott:  Well, [Cut to Sam Elliott] I can’t really say. Maybe I’ll put on a clean barn jacket and comb mustache.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: You know, I never thought that I would be intrigued by another man mustache, but that thing is a specimen. I’ll admit it. I have mustache envy. Show me bringing the white heat. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, it’s not up there. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Olivia Coleman, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee] All right. That’s two strikes. Let’s be a little careful. One more, the other team gets a chance to steal. Let’s go Olivia. Something that you do to feel sexy.

[Cut to Olivia coleman]

Olivia Coleman: Well, I am English. I suppose what’s sexy to us is a good cup of tea, flirty but polite answer and a couple of fingers in the bum. I’m sorry. I’m a bit pissed.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Olivia Coleman, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me Mary Poppins stopping that nonsense. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, not there either. All right. Oscar newbies, [Cut to Stever Harvey and team Oscar Newbies] you got a chance to steal. Give me some answers.

Mahershala Ali: Be real.

Bradley Cooper: Be Bradley Cooper?

Steve Harvey: All right, Gaga. You’re the team leader. [Cut to Steve Harvey and Lady Gaga] What do you do to feel sexy?

Lady Gaga: You know, it’s weird Steve. [Cut to Lady Gaga] I didn’t truly feel sexy until I started making music, then suddenly, I was selling records and dating all the time. I was like some miracle happened, I don’t know.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and Lady Gaga]

Steve Harvey: Well, I think I do. Show me, she got rich. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is right] [Ringing] Number one answer. [Cut to Steve Harvey] All right. Yeah, turn me into a sex symbol too. Let’s take a break. I gotta find me some extra security because I think Monique’s waiting for me in the parking lot. We’ll be right back.

 

Leave Me Alurn | Season 44 Episode 10

Rachel Brosnahan

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

Pete Davidson

[Starting with a woman walking alone on the hills with a backpack.]

Narrator: Travelling solo, it’s my favorite. I love exploring with no one to please but myself.

[Cut to beautiful scenery of jungle, river and hills.]

Narrator: But when you’re a woman, [Cut to Rachel enjoying the view.] there is one very real danger. [Cut to Beck walks to Rachel.] Unwanted small talk.

Beck: This view, right? Reminds me of the episode of twin peaks where the girl gets murdered. Are you seeing anyone?

[Cut to Rachel speechless.]

[Cut to Kate enjoying her yoga at the park.]

Narrator: And having headphones in isn’t always enough [Cut to Kate meditating with her earpods on. Kenan walks to Kate.] to keep men I don’t know from talking to me.

Kenan: Om. That’s you. Om. You heard of Buddhists?

[Cut to Rachel sitting on the rocks with her backpack beside her.]

Rachel: That’s why wherever I go, [Taking her urn out of the bag] I always pack this.

[Cut to decorated urn with shoes, binoculars, shoes, maps, etc.]

Narrator: Introducing ‘Leave Me Alurn.’ ‘Leave Me Alurn’ is a portable urn of women travelers [Cut to different video clips of women traveling alone.] to make men think you are about to scatter your dad or grandpa’s ashes in a meaningful place. So they back the hell up off.

[Cut to Rachel, she takes her ‘Leave Me Alurn’ out.]

Rachel: This was his favorite spot. [Cut to Beck wondering what she is saying] It’s what he would have wanted.

Beck: Oh, okay. I didn’t realize. I’m going to let you – I didn’t know – sorry. [Beck leaves Rachel alone]

[Cut to Rachel holding ‘Leave Me Alurn’ close, smiling]

Rachel: Confrontation avoided. Thanks, ‘Leave Me Alurn’.

[Cut to Kate being annoyed by Kenan]

Narrator: You only take one vacation every seven years. Go ahead. Give them the urn.

[Kate takes her ‘Leave Me Alurn’ out of her bag.]

Kate: He always wanted to see the ocean. [Cut to Kenan shocked] Better late than never, I guess.

Kenan: I’m sorry. That’s a– I’m interrupting a little funeral. Forgive it. [Kenan leaves in shock]

[Cut to Kate smiles]

Kate: He’s gone and I didn’t have to be a bitch about it. Thanks, ‘Leave Me Alurn’.

[Cut to video clip of human cartoons.]

Narrator: ‘Leave Me Alurn’, it’s a conversation prophylactic that gives the impression that ashes could blow up to 50 feet away and that’s how far men will stay from you. And it’s not just a fake urn, [Cut to Rachel. She pulls up a wire from the bottle of the urn.] it’s also a portable phone charger. And it’s even a stainless steel water bottle. [Cut to Kate drinking water from the urn. Kenan sees her drinking water from it and gets disgusted.]

[Cut to Melissa walking inside a bar and getting a drink]

‘Leave Me Alurn’ also works great back home for those little ‘just because I look friendly doesn’t mean I am friendly’ moments with boy strangers.

[Cut to Alex walks to Melissa at the bar.]

Alex: Is this seat taken?

Melissa: It was. Brought him back one last round.

[Cut to Alex getting disgusted]

Alex: Never mind.

[Cut to Alex] Can I buy you ladies a – [Cut to all ladies showing a ‘Leave Me Alurn’]

Oh, come on! [Alex leaves]

[Cut to video clip of ‘Leave Me Alurns’]

Narrator: ‘Leave Me Alurn’ travel urn, for her. Kills small talk dead. Call now and you will also get [Lowe Back Spikes is shown in the screen] lower back spikes.

Because there is never a reason to touch a woman’s lower back when walking past her. Like never.

Pete: Excuse me! [Walks behind a woman] Ow! My hand!