Tag: Beck Bennett

Parents Call | Season 44 Episode 12

Randy… Mikey Day

Chris Redd

Laurie… Melissa Villaseñor

Dad… Beck Bennett

Mom… Halsey

[Starts with Randy and his clients Chris and Laurie. Randy is explaining the office structure to his clients]

Randy: So, here is your office space layout. You’ll see, we kept these structural columns here. We thought it added some interest to he space, kept it from looking like a cookie cutter office building.

[Cut to Chris and Laurie]

Chris: All with the new. I like that.

Laurie: This is the common space.

Randy: Yeah. [Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie] [ Randy’s phone starts vibrating] It’s– so sorry. Why are my parents calling?

Chris: Oh, you can go ahead and take that.

Randy: I am so sorry. Hello?

[Cut to split screen. Randy at the left, mom and dad at the right.]

Dad: Oh, hey Randy. How are you?

Mom: Hi, honey. How’s everything?

Randy: Mom, you guys are both there. What’s going on?

Dad: Oh, nothing. We just wanted to know if you liked that new grill we got you. We have the same one and we love it.

Randy: Cool. I’m actually at work right now.

Dad: Oh, you’re at work?

Mom: He’s at work–

Dad: Oh, don’t tell him about it.

Mom: It’s okay. Don’t tell him.

Dad: Yes, we won’t tell him.

Randy: Tell me what? You guys have something important to tell me?

Dad: Oh, no, no, we’ll tell you later. You’re at work.

Mom: Sorry, you’re at work.

Randy: No, no, guys. What is it?

Dad: Oh, it’s nothing at all. I shattered all the bones in my leg. Love you. [Dad hangs up the phone]

[Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie]

Randy: Hello?

Chris: Is everything okay.

Randy: Do you guys mind if I call them back. I think my dad, like, broke his leg or something.

Laurie: Oh, of course.

Randy: Yeah. I’m so sorry.

[Randy calls his parents back]

[Cut to split screen. Randy at the left, mom and dad at the right.]

Mom: Hello.

Randy: Hey, mom.

Dad: Oh, Randy! This is a surprise. Did you get out of work early.

Randy: No, you just said your legs were shattered?

Dad: Oh, come on buddy? It’s nothing. I was hot doggin’ at the club, rolled the golf cart and it pancaked my legs. Broke all the bones.

Mom: Pancaked them.

Dad: Yeah, but it’s not that big of a deal at all. I’m fine. We shouldn’t have called at all. God, you’re starting to piss me off.

Mom: Get back.

Randy: Dad, are you okay?

Dad: How should I know? I refused medical care at the scene. When your mother had to go last week, they charged us 5 grand for an IV.

Mom: Highway robbery.

Randy: Wait, what happened to mom?

Mom: Nothing. So you never told us. How’s that new grill?

Randy: I don’t care about the stupid grill, mom.

Dad: Oh, stupid. Oh, we’re sorry. The grill we bought you is such a dumb ass. And you know, your mother didn’t want me to tell you, but she got shot. [Dad hangs up the phone]

[Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie]

Randy: What? Oh, my god. I’m so sorry. I think my mom got shot. If you guys want to reschedule?

Chris: No, no, no. Call them back.

Laurie: And you can put them on speaker?

Chris: Yeah, I feel like we are a part of this now.

Randy: Yeah.

[Cut to Mom and Dad. Mom’s both hands are plastered. The phone rings]

[Cut to split screen. Randy at the left, mom and dad at the right.]

Dad: Hello?

Randy: Dad?

Dad: Oh, Randy! You’re home.

Randy: No. I’m still at work. Mom, were you shot?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Yes, Randy. Don’t make it a big deal. I was on a jog in the woods and I ran through a shooting range. Took five bullets to my thigh. Now, I see on Facebook you are seeing someone?

[Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie]

Randy: Mom. Stop changing the subject.

Dad: Oh, right. Okay. [Cut to Mom and Dad] How dare your mother take an interest in her son’s love life?

Mom: She’s beautiful.

Dad: Yeah. She’s almost as silly as that little idiot grill.

[Cut to Randy]

Randy: Okay, guys, should I fly out?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: No, no. We do not need an extra set of hands around the house.

Dad: Yes, we have mine even though you mother’s are completely ruined.

[Cut to Randy]

Randy: Wait, did you say mom’s hands are ruined?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Yes, Randy. She ruined her hands in the fall.

[Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie]

Chris: Ask her what fall.

Randy: I’m going to.

Chris: Okay.

Randy: What fall?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: My fall, through the hole.

[Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie]

Randy: Okay, what hole?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Randy! The hole in the middle of our house. She fell through it. She braced her fall with her hands and they snapped right off.

Mom: And then they snapped them back.

Dad: What is it you don’t understand? I can’t do it with him.

Mom: He’s pissing me off.

Dad: He’s pissing me off. [Dad stands up with his crutches and starts walking behind]

[Cut to Randy, Chris, and Laurie]

Laurie: Hi, sir. This is Laurie. Your son’s client. Why is there a hole in your house?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Well, because Laurie, we were installing an elevator because of all the leg mishaps recently.

[Cut to Randy]

Randy: So, why is there not an elevator where the hole is?

[Cut to Mom and Dad. They are annoyed.]

Dad: Think, Randy. Because we changed our mind! All right?

Mom: God, this kid!

Dad: I can handle myself on the stairs just fine. [Door bell rings] I’ll get it.

Mom: You get it.

Dad: [Dad falls off the stiars] Oh, no! My legs! My face! My body is completely pan-caked!

[Cut to Randy]

Randy: Um, okay, you guys. I am going to fly out there first thing tomorrow morning.

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: Oh, good. You can meet Roger. He’s living with us now.

[Cut to Randy]

Randy: Okay, Roger? Who is Roger?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: Oh, Roger is your identical twin brother we gave up for adoption at birth. Love you. [Mom hangs up the phone]

Black History Presentation

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Ego Nwodim

Chris Redd

Kyle Moony

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Kenan and Leslie on SNL stage presenting]

Kenan Thompson: Since this is the first show during black history month, we wanted to take a moment to talk about some of the great African-American entertainers who have contributed to the legacy of “Saturday Night Live.”

Leslie Jones: From Garrett Morris to Eddie Murphy to Ellen Cleghorn and so many more. Representing black culture has always been a part of Saturday Nighe Live’s DNA.

[Ego Nwodim and Chris Redd join Kenan and Leslie]

Ego Nwodim: Whether is was Billy Preston’s musical performance in the first episode.

Chris Redd: Or Richard Pryor’s unforgettable job hosting in season one.

[Kyle Mooney joins everybody. Everybody is shocked he’s on the stage.]

Kyle Mooney: Saturday Night Live made it clear that good comedy is color blind.

Kenan Thompson: Hey, what’s up, Kyle?

Kyle Mooney: Hey guys, I just wanted to lend my support.

Kenan Thompson: Well, thank you Kyle.

Leslie Jones: Thanks buddy.

Kenan Thompson: So, from all of us–

Kyle Mooney: [Interrupting Kenan] I’m not saying that because it’s the month. I really meant it.

Leslie Jones: We know you do.

Kyle Mooney: If it was up to me this would be much earlier in the show. It sickens me that they buried it like this.

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. We gotcha, bro. Thank you. So, to sum it up–

Kyle Mooney: [Interrupting Kenan] Real quick, did you know African-American contributions to entertainment didn’t start with ‘Saturday Night Live’?

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, we know.

Kyle Mooney: Actors like Sydney Poitier and Harry Belafonte changed the way people thought of movie stars. ‘To Sir, With Love’ was one of the best movies of the 60s. I haven’t seen that one TCM lately. Huh, I wonder why.

Kenan Thompson: Buddy, buddy, no, no!

[Kyle Mooney moves in front of everyone]

Kyle Mooney: You see, America was surprised to see a black leading man, but we always knew what we were capable of.

Leslie Jones: Did you say me? He said we?

Kyle Mooney: Chicago, 1922. Louis Armstrong joins Kind Oliver’s Creole jazz band and American toes haven’t stopped tapping since.

Chris Redd: Oh, he crazy.

[Beck Bennett joins everybody]

Beck Bennett: Oh Carl, what are you doing man?

Ego Nwodim: Thank you Beck. Please get your man.

Beck Bennett: Yeah, of course Kyle, hearing you talk, you think all African-American trial blazers were male. Hattie McDaniel took home the Oscar for  for ‘Gone With the Wind’ In 1940. Any plans to mention that?

Kyle Mooney: Maybe after I mentioned Ella Gordon who started the first African-American school for dance in 1919.

Beck Bennett: Wow, overlook Katherine Dunham much?

Kyle Mooney: Lena Horne.

Beck Bennett: Nina Simone.

Kyle Mooney: Beverly Johnson.

Chris Redd: Okay, who’s Beverly Johnson?

Leslie Jones: Really? You’re going to help them.

Kenan Thompson: Guys, it really means the world to use that you googled all of those names.

Beck Bennett: And memorized them.

Leslie Jones: But it sounds like you learned all that stuff just to impress your black friends?

Beck Bennett: Oh my god, did you hear that?

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, we have black friends. [Beck and Kyle leave with excitement]

Leslie Jones: Idiots.

Kenan Thompson: Well, thank you Kyle and second dummy.

Leslie Jones: Yes, thank you.

Kenan Thompson: But seriously, it’s an honor to stand on this day. Thanks to all the people who stood here before us. So happy black history month to everybody.

Leslie Jones: It’s going to be better tomorrow.

Kenan Thompson: Indeed.

Riverdale | Season 44 Episode 12

Rick… Kenan Thompson

Betty… Halsey

Clapperboard person… Melissa Villaseñor

Corpse (Lionel Rodgers)… Pete Davidson

Jug-head… Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

[Starts with film shooting scene]

Rick: All right,I hope you people like pressure because we are shooting the season finale of ‘Rivaerdale’. All right, we are in a morgue and Betty has come to identify her cousin’s body with Jug-head, the sadness is pop-able.

Betty: Got it.

Rick: All right. Now, let’s make some ‘Dale’.

Clapperboard person: ‘Riverdale’, episode 57. Text me deadly. Rolling.

Rick: And action!

[Betty and Jug-head start acting]

Betty: Oh, Devin, I wanted to see the queen babe of this drop hive. But now all I want is to have my cousin back.

Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!

Betty: I love you.

Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!

Jug-head: He’ll always be in your heart.

Rick: Okay, let’s hold it. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] I’m sorry, excuse me. Actor  on the gurney, are you all right?

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Lionel Rodgers: Oh, yes. I’m good if you’re good.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: I’m not good. What were those sounds?

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Lionel Rodgers: Oh, just everyday corpse sounds. The usual hisses and moans you get from gas escaping the body. I’m sorry. I’m Lionel Rodgers. I play corpses. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person looking at him speechless] So I’ve been dead, what, [Cut to Lionel Rodgers] two or three days?

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: Yes, sure.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Corpse: Great, so I’d still be releasing a lot of gas. Right? So, I’ll give you some groans, some toots, so you have options.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: All right, We’re going again with no sounds from the corpse.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Corpse: Oh, I see. So you want this to be a totally inaccurate depiction of dead body.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: Yeah, exactly.

Betty: Rick, [Cut to Betty and Jug-head] can we go again before I lose the feeling?

Rick: Yes, yes, Lily, let’s pick it up [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] where we left off, please.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Corpse: [Singing] A fox ran into a volcano.[Then he lies down]

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: I hope that’s not a vocal exercise because you will not be speaking. Now, on your mark, get set, act!

[Cut to Betty and Jug-head acting]

Betty: Jug-head. I was an A1 River Vixen but now, it feels like nothing matters.

Jug-head: Betty, death is the wisest teacher in Riverdale.

[Corpse starts to shiver hard]

Alex Moffat: Betty. Jughead. You betrayed me.

Rick: Stop it!

[Cut to Betty and Jug-head]

Betty: Okay. Sorry, Rick. I know it was me.

Rick: You know, it was not you Lily. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] There was a man ridiculously, violently trashing next to you.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Lionel Rodgers: You said not to make any sounds. I was just convulsing the way a normal corpse would with no means to expel gas.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: All right. That is it. I want you out of here right now.

[Cut to Betty and Jug-head]

Jug-head: I don’t know, Rick. It sounds like this guy did his research.

Lionel Rodgers: I did, I did. [Cut to Lionel, Betty and Jug-head] I lived in a Morgue for three months.

Rick: Why?

Lionel Rodgers: Just sort of works out for me rent- wise.

Betty: Rick, I’m kind of digging the authenticity.

[Rick walks in]

Rick: People, trust me, when I have finished [Cut to Rick] weaving this episode of the ‘Dale’, all eyes will be on the hot teens and their steamy, antics. Not the corpse. Now please, no moans, no spasms, no movement. Action!

[Cut to Betty, Jug-head and corpse]

Lionel Rodgers: And cut. Look, [Cut to Lionel Rodgers] let me just make sure I understand what you want because you sir, you’re a terrible director. This woman lost her cousin. [Cut to Betty, Jug-head, Lionel Rodgers and Rick] she’s so overcome by grief, that she doesn’t notice he’s the only corpse in the history of the world that isn’t moaning and jerking around.

Rick: No.

Lionel Rodgers: So is the idea that she has brain damage?

Betty: Yes Rick, [Cut to Betty and Jug-head] it seems pretty weird I wouldn’t notice that my dead cousin isn’t moving.

Jug-head: Yeah. He does have a point.

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: Fine. I give up.  Failure for me is like slipping on an old coat. You all do what you want. Roll film!

[Clapperboard person joins]

Clapperboard person: This isn’t film.

[Cut to Betty, Jug-head and corpse start acting]

Betty: My poor, sweet Devin. What a cousin.

Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!

Jug-head: Death is bad, Betty.

Corpse: Avenge me!

Valentine’s Song | Season 44 Episode 12

Halsey

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Carleen… Heidi Gardner

[Music video starts with Halsey, Aidy and Kate dancing in a fancy room]

Kate McKinnon: February 14th.

Aidy Bryant: The hottest Thursday of the year.

Halsey: It’s a whole day about sex, romance and sexy romance.

Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant and Halsey: Happy Valentine’s day.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant and Beck Bennett sitting on sofa, having romance]

Aidy Bryant: ♪ It’s 8 PM on Valentine’s day

My man got m flowers, got me lingerie

The door bell rings and I’m like what more

He shrugs at me and I run to get the door [Aidy Bryant goes to get the door]

It’s a card that says you’re my significant other

Oh no, no, to my beautiful daughter

Made me a card for mom, okay, wow,

Cause damn, damn, damn that’s not where I’m at right now

[Cut to Halsey, Kate and Aidy dancing and singing together]

Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant and Halsey: I don’t wanna think of you it’s a day for romance

I don’t want to think of you when getting in the pants

We’re about to pounce, money’s on the bed

And I’m grinding with him but now you’re in my head

And I’m bumpin’, I’m bangin’, I’m boning’

I’m about to bust through

So I don’t wanna think of you

[Cut to Kenan Thompson singing in a white suit]

Kenan Thompson: Stand down, stand down and now she’s face timing you

Stand down, stand down.

[Cut to Halsey at her desk]

Halsey: I’m at my desk and I’m sexting my boo

Telling him the freaky deaky stuff we’re gonna do

He sends a pic of his full winnie

I hear a knock and it’s my female boss Carleen [Cut to Carleen with a teddy bear]

This is bad, I’m holding in my chair [Carleen gives the ear to Halsey]

Gotta shift gears because she’s handing me a big pink bear

And we’re not close, Carleen do less

A quick side hug then home and make a mess

[Cut to Halsey, Kate and Aidy dancing and singing together]

Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant and Halsey: I don’t wanna think of you you’re a very loose acquaintance

I don’t wanna think of you when you’re down there doin’ some maintenance

Give us crap gifts, well that’s your call

But tell me when did this day become a free-for-all

Your card says I love you and again Carleen you are my boss.

So I don’t wanna think of you

[Cut to Kenan Thompson singing in a white suit]

Kenan Thompson: Stand down, stand down Carleen you handle the checks

Stand down, stand down.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon handling things with her son]

Kate McKinnon: I don’t want to think of the card that my son bought me

Keep in mind when you hear this daddy can’t really read

It says baby I can’t wait for tonight

another sexy formation but it’s just not right.

And what do you think will happen tonight? We eat cake mama.

Halsey: Cake mama.

[Cut to Halsey, Kate and Aidy dancing and singing together]

Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant and Halsey: I don’t want to think of you. I just wanna curl my toes

When my dentist gives me a single rose

Sexy day meant for me and my lover

Why did I get this lotion from my brother

Aidy Bryant: I don’t do that Michael.

Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant and Halsey: The cards and the candies ‘cause I love you too

I love you but I don’t wanna think of you

[Cut to Kenan Thompson delivering his message in a white suit]

Kenan Thompson: Valentine’s day is for lovers. They don’ want to hear from you. That’s what birthdays are for.

Air Traffic Control | Season 44 Episode 11

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Kate McKinnon

James McAvoy

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of a flying airplane]

[Cut to Mikey Day and Heidi Gardner in cockpit]

Mikey Day: Oh god, I don’t know what I’m doing, I can’t fly this plane.

Heidi Gardner: I’ll go see if the pilot is conscious. [Heidi leaves the cockpit]

Mikey Day: Okay. Try to get someone on the radio. Hello, hello. May day. May day.

Kate McKinnon:  Hello.

Mikey Day: Yes, hello.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon in air traffic control room]

Kate McKinnon: Yes, this is Glasgow Air Traffic Control. Are you in distress?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Yes. I’m not a pilot. I am part of Klie Jenner’s brand integration team. We’re on a private jet going to London for Kylie event. We hit bad turbulence and our pilot got knocked unconscious. But Kylie’s not on board. Thank god.

[Cut to Kate Mckinnon]

Kate McKinnon:I don’t know who that is, but it shounds like you’re going to have to land that plane. I’ll put you in very good hands. This man is the best, he’ll get you down. Just do exactly as he says.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Okay. I’m ready.

[Cut to James McAvoy in air traffic control room]

James McAvoy: All right. [James McAvoy speaks with heavy accent that it’s hard to understand] I know you’re coming off walley up there. I’m going to have to skating faster than –- okay?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: What?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: I’m going to get you down, but here’s what I need you to do first. Okay. Deep breath.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: What?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: I just want you to take a deep breath. In, out, in, out.

[Cut to Mikey Day. Heidi Gardner is in the cockpit again.]

Mikey Day: What?

Heidi Gardner: What did he say?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

Mikey Day: Deep breath. Right? And you need to stay calm?

[Cut to Mikey Day and Heidi Gardner]

Heidi Gardner: What are they saying?

Mikey Day: He says I need a stakub?

Heidi Gardner: Okay, maybe there’s one in the cabin.[Heidi leaves]

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Listen to me very carefully. On the wee panel of switches in front of you, there’s a —size of a — What do you call it? [Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon] American cookie?

Kate McKinnon: Oreo cookie.

James McAvoy: Oreo? No, Keebler. All right. There’s a thing of a size of an Oreo cookie. I thought it was a Keebler. What’s to do that —

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Say again?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: The brown — that looks like an Oreo cookie? Where’s it coming ?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I got broom doo-da.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: No, the color. Brown.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Oh, brown.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: What’s the brown dooda coming in at?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I’m so sorry your accent is very thick. Is it possible to not have it? Over? [Heidi Gardner and Kenan Thompson enter the cockpit] Theyr’e speaking Scottish. And it’s very hard .

[Kenan sits on co-pilot’s seat]

Kenan Thompson: All right. Let me handle this. I spent some time in Scotland so my ears are favorable to Scottish accent. This is Kylie’s branding director, let’s do this.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Good. Two is better than one. Tell me if you can –– goggles.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: Nope. [Kenan stands and tries to leave]

Mikey Day: I need you. [Mikey doesn’t let Kenan go]

Kenan Thompson: Fine. Please tell me what I need to do.

[Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon]

James McAvoy: You try.

Kate McKinnon: All right. Can you look out the window.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: Did I eat at Wendy’s? Never.

[Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: No, no. Out the window.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: All right, fine, I had Wendy’s last week. But don’t tell Kylie.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Let’s sit back man! We’re only going to get crack at this once. There’s a wee Jack on the dash. Can wee talk.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: No. [Kenan leaves]

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Oh, no. Oh, no. In the name of the wee man. Radar’s got you leaving Scottish Airspace. The connection is going crunchier than a bag of smashed chips.

[Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Okay. We’re going to have to patch you over to Welsh Air Traffic Control. God speed to you guys.

[Cut to Mikey Day] [Heidi joins Mikey]

Heidi Gardner: What’s happening?

Mikey Day: I don’t know. I think we’re on our own.

Beck Bennett: Hello? Go for Wales Air Traffic Control.

Mikey Day: Maybe not. Good to hear your voice, Wales.

[Cut to Beck Bennett at his air traffic control room[

Beck Bennett: [Speaking foreign language]

Mikey Day: What?

Heidi Gardner: Just aim for water.

[Ends with video clip of flying airplane]

New Orleans Vacation | Season 44 Episode 11

Aidy Bryant

Phil…Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Dierdre… Heidi Gardner

Raynolds… James McAvoy

Beck Bennett

Waitress… Ego Nwodim

[Aidy, Phil, Melissa and John are sitting in a restaurant]

Aidy: It’s almost one o’clock. I don’t think they’re coming.

Phil: Should we just call it a night?

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: Whatever, let’s just go.

Dierdre: Hey.

[Cut to everyone. Dierdre and Raynolds arrive.]

Raynolds: Hello, my sexies.

John: Dierdre, Raynolds. We’ve been waiting for hours.

[Dierdre and Raynolds arrive take seats]

Dierdre: Sorry we’re moving so slow. [Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds] We just got back from N’orleans.

Raynolds: You know, like a gator down bourbon street.

Dierdre: Blame N’orleans.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: No. N’orleans, no.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: When you’ve been in N’orleans, the slow gets inside you and it sticks to your bum

Raynolds: Like N’orleans molasses.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: I grew up in New Orleans and I’ve never heard of N’orleans molasses.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Have you all been to N’orleans?

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Aidy: He just said he was from there.

Phil: Yeah, you were there for two days.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Oh my god, you got to go to N’orleans. It is filled with juice and jazz and trumpets and tiny tiny little cry-daddies.

Raynolds: You put pass in the swamp and that’s N’orleans in a nutshell baby.

[Cut to everyone]

John: Can we get the check?

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Even the mosquitos, they shed shay through the N’orleans air.

Dierdre: And when they bite you, you don’t go ‘ow’, you go ‘OH!’

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: Is that true Phil?

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: No. Not at all. They’re just mosquitoes. When they bite you, you say ‘Ow’, not ‘Óh’.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: Deirdre, I’ve already told these guys, but John and I are expecting a child.

[Cut to everyone]

Dierdre: Oh, that’s nice. [Not caring about the news] Hey, sexy, why don’t you tell them the story.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Which one baby? The one about N’orleans?

Dierdre: Yeah, the N’orleans one, okay. How we went to an authentic N’orleans voodoo ceremony?

Raynolds: Okay. Kit-kat. So check this. We’re just shuffling down bourbon street to the temple of the city when this red-headed woman beged us to follow her down a dark alley.

Dierdre: And she was completely topless. Her boobs swung wide. One pointing east, one pointing straight up.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: Up? Straight up?

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Very nice. Anyways, she goes like this. And you know, this in N’orleans means the same as this does in America.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

John: New Orleans is in America. We’re in America right now.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Barely, baby. N’orleans is it’s own bag, Jack.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: No, no, no, no. That’s got to stop now.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: So we follow this voodoo priestess to the ritual area at the back of an alley.

Raynolds: Soon we were completely surrounded by a group of N’orwilians who made us place all of our valuables into a ceremonial bag.

Dierdre: It looks like one of those American bags you put trash in.

[Cut to Aidy, Phill, Dierdre and Raynolds]

Aidy: A trash bag?

Dierdre and Raynolds: : No. A ceremonial sack.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: So, this ceremony required your jewelry, watches and money?

Raynolds: Correct-o-mundo papa.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Yeah. If you’d ever been to N’orleans, you’d be familiar.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: I lived there.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Then you must have had the jumbo.

[Cut to Aidy, Phill, Dierdre and Raynolds]

Aidy: Jumbo?

Raynolds: Sorry. I mean the Gumbolaya.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Okay, anyway. We knew it was an authentic voodoo ritual, because when we finally came to, everyone and everything disappeared.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

John: So in a nutshell, you were being gross around New Orleans. Then you were robbed by some junkies, got hit over the head and woke up after they ran away.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Authentic N’orleans magic, baby.

Dierdre and Raynolds: The true N’orleans born and raised experience.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: OH, Uber’s here.

[Cut to everyone.]

Phil: Yeah, our friendship has been terminated.

[Aidy, Phil, Melissa and John stand up and leave]

[A waitress walks]

Dierdre: Oh, excuse me. Do you have those little N’orleans fans?

Waitress: No.

Another Brothers | Season 44 Episode 11

Mrs. Johnson… Melissa Villaseñor

Mr. Johnson… Mikey Day

Mom… Cecily Strong

Dad… James McAvoy

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Jared… Beck Bennett

Spencer… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a Super Bowl announcer’s sound coming out of a house]

Mrs. Johnson: Listen Dave. [Cut to six adults sitting inside the house watching Super Bowl] Thank you so much for inviting us to your Super Bowl party.

Mr. Johnson: Yeah. And seriously, these potato skins are insane.

Mom: OH, please.

Dad: We love having you.

[Cut to Aidy and Kenan]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, well. I’m just here to keep his eyes off those cheerleaders.

Kenan Thompson: Hey, no promises.

[Cut to everybody laughing] [Spencer and Jared are fighting upstairs]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

Mr. Johnson: What was that noise?

Mom: Oh-oh. That’s our boys, [Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, Dad and Mom] acting up ever since I got remarried.

Dad: Hey, you guys, ya’ll want to meet ‘em?

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mrs. Johnson: Sure.

Dad: Hey, boys, [Cut to everybody] come out down here and make the Johnson’s.

[Jared and Spencer come downstairs fighting]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

[Cut to Spencer and Jared]

Spencer: Stop hitting my nuts!

Jared: I’m not hitting your nuts!

Spencer: Get of my nuts!

[Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray]

Jared and Spencer: Ah! Ah! Ah!

[Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Boys. Now, come on. What’s gotten into you?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: Sorry, sir.

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Am I going to have to tell you again? Am I going to have to turn this hose on you and blow you again? Or ya’ll goin’ be good boys?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: We’ll be good boys, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mrs. Johnson: You keep a leaf blower in the house?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well yes. Otherwise they’d be all wet.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mom: Okay, boys, now come say hello to the Johnson’s.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared: Hi Mr. and Mrs. Johnson. My name’s Jared. I play basketball.

Spencer: I’m Spencer. I’m younger than him, but I made all stars.

Jared: No, you didn’t

Spencer: Yes, I did. Coach told me.

Jared: You’re a liar!

[Spencer and Jared starts to fight again]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer]

[Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray]

Jared and Spencer: Ah! Ah! Ah!

[Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Boys, now, this behavior is unacceptable.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: Yes, sir, we’re sorry, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mom: Spencer, come show the Johnson’s a campbell’s what you’ve been working on?

Mr. Johnson: Actually, we kind of want to go now.

Mrs. Johnson: Did you two know about this?

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, I think we blocked it out.

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. Yeah, we definitely chose to forget.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer: Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, this is my touchdown dance. [Spencer starts to dance]

Jared: What? That’s my touchdown dance. [Jared starts to dance with Spencer]

Spencer: You’re not even doing it right!

Jared: I’m doing it perfect!

Spencer: Oh yeah? Explain this. Ow! Mr. and Mrs. Johnson this is the dance. Right?

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Jared: Mr. and Mrs. Johnson is this a dance?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer dancing]

Spencer: Which one of the touchdown dancers Mr. and Mrs Johnson?

Jared: Is this the dance Mr. and Mrs. Johnson?

Spencer: That’s not the dance. [Spencer carries a chair and hits Jared with it]

Jared: You’re dead! [Jared grabs Spencer’s shirt and throws him into TV breaking the TV] Live from the Super Bowl, it’s my brother! He broke the TV. [Jared jumps over Spencer]

[Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray]

[Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Well, that’s the last time, dammit. Ya’ll are embarrassing us in front of our company.

Jared: Sorry sir. He started it.

Spencer: He’s stupid!

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared:  Oh, I’m stupid? Well, they tried to abandon you. Dad, tell him.

Spencer: Wait, what?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Oh, god.

Spencer: He’s stupid!

Jared: Go on, dad. Tell him what happened.

Spencer: Dad—what’s he talking about?

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Well—you know Spence—you know how you were an accident?

Spencer: Yeah.

Dad: And your mama and your first daddy weren’t planning on having a second?

Spencer: Mm-hmm.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mr. Johnson: Why do you talk to him this way?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, Spence, after you were born, she put you up for adoption, but the family that adopted you, they brought you back.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer: So – so there was – there was nobody that wanted me?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: No. But you were meant to come back to us, sweetie. And every day since has been the best day of our lives.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: That’s right, son. Now, why don’t you give each other ten apology kisses.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer and Jared: Aw, yes, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mr. Johnson: But why, though?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer kissing nine times]

Mom: Hey. [Cut to Mom] That was only nine.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer kissing one more time]

Spencer and Jared: Aw. Good night Mr. and Mrs. Johnson.

[Cut to everyone. Spencer and Jared are running upstairs]

Spencer: Go!

Mom: Well, sorry you guys. I think the TV might be broken.

[Cut to Aidy and Kenan]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, your son’s head went through it.

[Cut to everyone]

Dad: Hey, ya’ll want to go upstairs and watch with the boys?

Everybody: No.

[Dad runs upstairs]

Deal or No Deal Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 10

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

President Trump… Alec

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Melissa Villaseñor

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Maxine Waters… Leslie Jones

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Steve King… Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

[Starts with intro of Deal or No Deal]

Narrator: And now it’s time for “Deal or No Deal”. Government shut down edition. With your host, Howie Mandell!

[Cut to the host on the stage. The host turns around. He is Steve Harvey, not Howie Mandell]

Steve Harvey: Sorry about that, players. I’m sorry. It’s me, Steve Harvey. Howie’s out sick. He’s a germophobe. But yesterday I was like, “Come on, Howie, shake one person’s hand”, and he shook it. Two hours later, Ebola. I’m sorry, you were right Howie. Alright now, our government has been shut down for like a month. I spent two hours yesterday at TSA yesterday in Atlanta. They thought I was smuggling extra teeth in my mouth. Let’s bring out the guy who said he would own the shut down. He’s the president, and we’ve both got neck ties long enough that would get caught in a roomba. Please welcome Donald Trump!

[Cut to the stage. Steve Harvey is standing and Donald Trump walks in] [Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thanks Steve, tremendous to be here. Just tremendous.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay now, earlier today you went on the TV and you told the American people that you want to make a deal.

Donald Trump: That’s right, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: All right, so we decided to do this in the only format that you can understand, a TV game show with women holding briefcases. Alright, [Cut to Donald Trump] now in your briefcase here, you’ve the deal that congress offered you in December.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Donald Trump: And I said no deal. [Donald closes the button] [Ring]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah. Nobody’s excited about that player. What was your counter offer today?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I want $5 billion for my border wall, and in exchange I’ll extend DACA, and I’ll release the kids from cages so they can be free-range kids.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Well, let’s see the members of congress that are willing to offer you a new deal so this nonsense can go away.

[Cut to people with briefcases standing in two rows]

Alright, [Cut to Steve and Donald] what do say, Mr. President?

Donald Trump: Five.

Steve Harvey: You want to open briefcase number five?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, I’m saying a lot of these women are fives.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: On the day of the women’s march.

Donald Trump: Okay, [Cut to Donald Trump] then I choose case number three. Fancy Nancy Paloser. I’m still working on the nickname.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: That’s a great start player. Okay, speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi. Nancy, how are you feeling tonight?

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Just normal. Not like drunk on my own power or anything. [Nancy looks at the camera and smirks]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Now you rejected the president’s offer this afternoon.

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Well, I’m afraid I did which is a real shame because I hate saying no to you, Mr. Trump. [Nancy looks at the camera and smirks]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. I’m scared. Let’s see what’s in the briefcase, Nancy.

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Okay. [Nancy opens the briefcase] $1 billion, and you say Nancy is mommy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, $1 billion for border security. That’s a lot of money.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah, but it’s not $5 billion, and I need $5 billion because that’s the first random number I said. [Cut to Steve and Donald] No deal. [Donald closes the button]

[Nancy walks to Donald on stage]

Nancy Palosi: Oh, no. [Cut to Nancy and Donald] We’re still fighting Mr. Trump?

Donald Trump: My god, you almost gave me a heart attack.

Nancy Palosi: I’m sorry, Mr. President. If the government’s shutdown you can’t do the state of the union. It’s for security reasons, not because I’m vindictive or anything.

Donald Trump: I can’t do the State of the Union. Then guess what? You’re not flying to Afghanistan.

Nancy Palosi: Oh, no! I can’t go on my vacation to a war zone? What will I do?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Boy, this is like watching two grandparents fighting over the thermostat. Alright Nancy, you had your chance. Donny, let’s pick another one please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I’ll take that older Jewish woman on case four.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, that’s Chuck Schumer.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer holding his briefcase]

Chuck Schumer: Oh, that’s okay. I’m very happy for any attention.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay Chuck, show what is your offer?

[Cut to Chuck Schumer]

Chuck Schumer: Okay, my offer is, [Chuck opens the briefcase] whatever you want.

[Nancy walks to Chuck]

Nancy Palosi: Chuck, we’re not going that anymore. Remember we’re not caving like that.

Chuck Schumer: Oh right, yeah, [Nancy leaves] projecting strength. Okay. Let me put on my fiery red cheetas. Okay, my new offer is $15 and a pastrami on RYE.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay, “Deal or No Deal”, Mr. President. And remember, every time you choose no deal, a half a million federal employees work another day without getting paid.

Donald Trump: Cool story bro. No deal. [Donald closes the button]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh man. Well, speaking of getting paid, I need to thank our sponsors tonight.

[Cut to a picture of Green Beef]

Green Beef. Yeah, shouldn’t be green, but ain’t nobody at the FDA there to inspect it.

[Cut to picture of an old lady swimming in an ocean with a tube]

And also, Old Lady in Inner Tube Way Out in the Ocean. Getting the coast guard will be back soon. Hang in there Beth.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Alright, let’s pick again player.

Donald Trump: I sure will, player.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, hey, it don’t work both ways. I ain’t Kanye.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, I will go with case nine, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, that’s playboy Mitch McConnell.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell trying to hide behind his briefcase]

No Mitch, you can’t just disappear in the middle of this. Come on now. Poke your head back out your shell. We got a nice little juicy piece of lettuce for you. [Cut to Steve Harvey] Well, he ain’t going to be much help Mr. President. But I have to ask, who are you playing for tonight?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I’m playing for a little charity called Habitat for Hannity. [Cut to picture of Sean Hannity] It helps Sean Hannity build a second beach house.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh man, let’s just pick another number.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Let’s go with five, Steve.

Steve Harvey: Okay. [Cut to Maxine Waters holding her briefcase] That’s congress woman Maxine Waters.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: As I’ve said many times before, Maxine is a very low IQ person.

[Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: Uh-huh. Well, just a reminder I can now subpoena your tax returns whenever I want.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Like I said, she’s a genius, beautiful, a true missionary.

[Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: Yeah, that’s what I thought mother.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: All right, why don’t you choose again?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, who’s on case 8? Is that Cardi B?

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez holding her briefcase]

Steve Harvey: Um, no player. That’s Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: That’s okay. Trump and the GOP are just terrified of me because I’m under 100 and I know how to use Instagram. I mean just look at Mitch McConnell, he is already “Bird Boxing”.

[Cut to Mitch McConnel blindfolded]

Mitch McConnel : I can hear the girl. Stay away.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know what? Why don’t we just open three cases real quick and get this over with? Cory Booker?

[Cut to Cory Booker. He opens his briefcase. It’s written “Booker 2020”]

Cory Booker: Booker 2020.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, my god, not another one. Congressman Steve King from Iowa.

[Cut to Steve King. He opens the briefcase. It’s written “Whites”]

Steve King: Whites.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, at least the guy is consistent. Alright, wait a second. This time it is Cardi B.

[Cut to Cardi B holding her briefcase]

Cardi B:  This ain’t my business, but [Cardi B opens her briefcase] sh-money.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, you know what? This government going to be shut down for like a year. Let’s take a quick break.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, wait. I want to open the case from the Clemson football player.

[Cut to Pete wearing Clemson jersey and holding a crave case]

Steve Harvey: Okay. That’s not a briefcase. That’s a crave case from white castle.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I’d still like to have them opened Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh my god. Okay fine. Open the case please.

[Cut to Pete . He opens the crave case]

Pete Davidson: Hamberders.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Donald Trump: Oh, Steve. I haven’t eaten a hamburger in almost 15 minutes. I’m going to make that deal. [Donald hits the deal button]

Steve Harvey: What? You are ending the shut down for a hamburger? Well I guess that makes as much [Pete walks to the stage and hands over the base to Donald Trump] sense as anyone going on these days–

Steve, Donald and Pete: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Kool-Aid | Season 44 Episode 10

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Alex Moffat

Beck Bennett

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Kool-Aid commercial. Kyle and Chris walk inside the house. They are wearing Lakers jersey]

Kyle: Doing sports together is awesome.

Chris: Totally, I’m thirsty.

[Red giant Jar Kool-Aid breaks the wall and comes in]

[Cut to the Jar]

Jar: Oh, yeah.

Kyle: Whoa! [Cut to Kyle] He just burst through the wall.

[Cut to the Jar]

Jar: Who’s thirsty for some Kool-Aid?

[Cut to the Chris]

Chris: I am.

[Cut to the Kyle]

Kyle: Yeah.

[Cut to Jar, Chris and Kyle]

Jar: Slap me some skin. [They have high-fives] Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Kyle and Chris]

Kyle: I want to be like Kool-Aid.

Chris: I want to be like Kool-Aid.

[Cut to Jar with his thumbs up.]

Narrator: Is this a Kool-Aid man? [Cut to TV playing Kool-Aid commercial] Oh, yeah. More like oh, no. We can’t laugh it off.

[Cut to three kids on a couch watching TV]

Kids: We don’t even want Kool-Aid.

[Cut to TV playing the Kool-Aid commercial, red jar breaking the ceiling, wall and everything to come in]

Narrator: Its time for us to set a better example.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner giving her presentation in the meeting hall]

Heidi: All our cost by 60%.

[Alex Moffat in red suit breaks the door and comes in with a jar of Kool-Aid in his one hand]

Alex: Oh yeah!

[Cut to people in the meeting cheering at Alex]

Narrator: It’s been going on far too long.

[Cut to Beck in his read outfit walking][Cut to across the street two men are carrying a glass slab][Cut to Beck]

Beck: Oh yeah.

[Beck starts to run towards the glass slab to break it]

[Cut to a kid breaking a playhouse]

Kid: Oh yeah.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin: You tell them, son. Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Kid. Kid kicks a wall of playhouse]

Kid: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to adults in a line with a glass of Kool-Aid]

Parents: Oh, yeah.

Narrator: But something finally changed.

[Cut to news reporter in her news set]

Reporter: The Kool-Aid man is in hot water after allegations of bursting through walls. [The screen is filled with the news reports against Kool-Aid]

Narrator: And there will be no going back. Because we believe in the best in a Kool-Aid man. [Cut to Beck Bennett running towards the glass slab] To say the right thing.

[Cut to Michael stops Beck from breaking the glass slab]

Michael: No, no, no, no, no man. Not cool.

Narrator: And to act the right way.

[Cut to Colin Jost teaching his kid manners]

Colin: You got to knock first, and then ask if you can enter, okay bud?

Kid: All right, dad.

[Cut to Heidi and Alex in Heidi’s meeting hall]

Alex: I didn’t realize you were doing something important. I am sorry.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Okay, well as I was saying— [Alex leaves the room]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin: Times are changing.

[Cut to Colin and his kid. Colin holds his kid’s shoulder]

Narrator: Because the Kool-Aid boys watching today will be the Kool-Aid men of tomorrow. Who’s thirsty for some Kool-Aid?

Tabitha | Season 44 Episode 8

Tabitha… Leslie Jones

Craig… Kenan Thompson

Lauren Hobbs… Rachel Brosnahan

Mary Butler… Cecily Strong

Daniel… Mikey Day

Steven… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Tabitha show intro]

Narrator: It’s Tabitha.

[Cut to Tabitha in her set]

Tabitha: Welcome back. I have a big announcement. My book, [Tabitha takes her book out] “The Obedient Husband” just made the “New York Times” bestseller list. [Cheers and applause] Thank you, thank you. This book has helped so many couples. I couldn’t have done it without my wonderful husband, Craig. Thank you baby.

[Cut to Craig sitting between the audience, quiet and smiling]

[Cut to Tabitha]

Now, Craig is a great husband, but like all of us, he is not perfect. Before I was on TV, I was a life coach and a dog trainer. And one thing we emphasized in both dogs and husbands was communication. Let your spouse know when he’s doing something that you don’t like. Like the other day, I was annoyed after coming back from the grocery store. Take a look.

[Cut to vertical video taken from Tabitha’s mobile phone in their house. There’s a bag wrapper on the floor] [Tabitha is talking to Craig as if she’s talking to a dog]

Okay, I just got home and I see a bag of rolls on the floor. [Craig is sitting on a sofa. He’s quiet and guilty] Craig? Craig? Did you eat all the Hawaiian rolls, Craig? [Craig shakes his head gesturing no. He doesn’t speak a word.] Craig? Craig, I just bought these, Craig. [Craig looks away] Did you eat them? Craig! Craig! Craig, did you eat the Hawaiian rolls, Craig? [Tabitha takes the wrapper near Craig’s face] Craig. Look at me, Craig!

[Cut to Tabitha]

Now, Craig knew that was bad, right, Craig? [Cut to Craig between the audience, just nodding his head] [Cut to Tabitha] See, this is all outlining chapter 5, The Power of Shame. Craig, remember when you had that football party? [Cut to Craig between the audience, just nodding his head] [Cut to Tabitha] Take a look.

[Cut to vertical video taken from Tabitha’s mobile phone in their house. Their house is a mess after a party] [Tabitha is talking to Craig as if she’s talking to a dog]

Oh, my god, look at this! What a mess! Who did this? [Craig is standing at the corner facing the wall] Craig! Craig, did you do this? Oh, my god. Craig. Craig. Craig. Did you have a party? [Craig shakes his head no] Craig, did you have a party here? What’s that on your face, Craig? What’s that on your face? [Craig hides his face behind the plant] Is that cheese doodle dust? Is that cheese doodle dust? I can see it, Craig.

[Cut to Tabitha]

Craig knew I was disappointed. Now, this technique has worked for hundreds of women and I brought two of them here today. Please welcome Lauren Hobbs and Mary Butler.

[Cut to the stage. Lauren and Mary walk in.]

Thank you for being here and thank you for reading my book.

Lauren Hobbs: Oh my god. [Cut to Lauren and Mary] I loved the book. It has improved my relationships so much.

Mary Butler: Mine, too. You’re amazing Tabatha.

[Cut to Tabitha]

Tabitha: It’s not me. There are techniques that have worked for years for both husbands and dogs. Now Lauren, you have a boyfriend who just can’t grow up. He parties and stays out too late?

[Cut to Lauren Hobbs]

Lauren Hobbs: Well, I used to. Daniel and his friends would just go crazy, but with your techniques, they learn to respect my concerns. Look.

[Cut to vertical video taken from Lauren’s mobile phone in her house. The video clip is of Daniel and Benjamin standing in the kitchen] [Lauren is talking to Daniel and Benjamin as if she’s talking to the dogs.]

Daniel, Benjamin, who drank too much and bought an Xbox on Amazon Prime? [Daniel and Benjamin keep quiet] Daniel. Benjamin. Well, I know it was somebody. Who bought it? [Benjamin raises and puts is hand on Daniel’s shoulder] Daniel, [Daniel looks down guilty] I’m very disappointed.

[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]

Tabitha: Great communication, Lauren.

Lauren Hobbs: OH well, and he has been careful with his online hopping ever since. Haven’t you, honey?

[Cut to Daniel in the audience. He’s nodding his head like a dog.]

[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]

Tabitha: But I hear he hasn’t stopped the party.

Lauren Hobbs: Well, no, but we are working on that. [Cut to Lauren] I actually had to resort to your advanced shaming technique where I made a sign and took a picture of him next to it.

[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]

Tabitha: Hmm, let’s see that. [Cut to picture of Daniel with a sigh board that says “I hide meat in the couch.” (impression of a dog)] I hide meat in the couch.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren Hobbs: Yeah, he kept drinking late at night then bingeing on slices deli ham. But I never found the meat in the couch after that.

[Cut toTabitha]

Tabitha: Wonderful. And Mary? Your husband was being a little too secretive.

[Cut to Mary]

Mary Butler: Yeah, he was Tabitha, but using your techniques, I think helped both of us. Look at this.

[Cut to vertical video taken from Mary’s mobile phone in her house. The video clip is of confronting Steven about his hidden family photograph] [Lauren is talking to Steven as if she’s talking to a dog.]

Steven, I found this picture in your sock drawer. Is this your other family? Steven! [Steven is scared and does not make an eye contact] Did you leave town on business and start a secret family? Steven! Did you do that? Steven! Is that your baby? Oh, Steven!

[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]

Tabitha: Oh, my god!

Mary Butler: Don’t worry, Steven says [Cut to Mary] it was all a misunderstanding. It’s all about communication, right?

[Cut to Tabitha]

Tabitha: Girl, I think you need more than communication problems. When we come back, I’ll show you what Craig did to the vacuum.

[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]

Lauren Hobbs: He has been so bad!

Tabitha: So bad.