Tag: Beck Bennett

Supportive Friend | Season 44 Episode 15

Allen… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Alex Moffat

Greg… Idris Elba

Mikey Day

[Starts with four friends sitting in a bar]

Allen: Hey, here’s to another year of following our dreams. I mean, look, guys we’re really doing it, acting in LA.

Cecily Strong: You mean auditioning.

[Everyone laughs]

[Cut to Allen and Aidy]

Allen: Well, you know, I don’t mind auditioning, I see them as little performances. I’m not there to get a part, I’m there to act.

Aidy Bryant: Wow, can I use that?

Allen: Yeah, whatever helps. We’re on this together. [Cut to everybody] Hey, this next round’s on me. I shall return. [Allen leaves to get drinks]

Alex Moffat: Oh hey, look, there’s Greg. Hey Greg.

[Greg walks in the bar and joins]

Greg: Hey guys, man, I got some good news. I’m just going to say it. I booked it. I on the second lead on the new ‘CSI’, ‘CSI: Memphis’.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex Moffat: No way man! You got the part?

Cecily Strong: Greg, that’s amazing.

[Cut to everyone]

Alex Moffat: You’re perfect for it.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, congrats, Greg.

[Allen comes back with drinks]

Allen: Here we go. Greg, what’s up man?

Greg: Really good, man. I was just actually telling the gang that I got the ‘CSI’ gig.

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Allen: What? Dude. That’s amazing. No way. No. No. Oh. I love that! Yeah. [Cut to Alen] Yeah. Congrats, man. Second lead, right?

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Greg: Yeah, yeah, the second lead, man.

Allen: Oh! Yes, yes, yes. On second lead on CSI. That’s awesome, man. [Cut to everybody] Look at you, everything’s clicking. You should be happy. I am! What are they paying you? Like $30,000 an episode?

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Greg: Oh, actually, it’s like $80,000.

[Cut to Allen]

Allen: What the hell is that?  Yes, $80,000 an EP, $80,000 an EP! Such great, dude. You making money, makes me feel happy. [Cut to Allen and Greg] My prayers are answered. I’m loving it.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: Allen, are you okay?

Alex Moffat: Yeah, you’re kind of freaking out right now?

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Allen: What? No, I’m good dude. Just pumped for my friend Greg. Excuse! Got to go outside.

[Cut to everybody. Allen leaves the bar.]

Greg: Did I say something wrong, man? I feel like Allen’s upset.

Cecily Strong: No, I think he just can’t handle his excitement.

[Allen is shouting outside the window]

Allen: No! It should have been me!

Greg: I don’t know, I think he might be a bit jealous.

Cecily Strong: No, Allen’s not like that.

[Allen is shouting outside the window]

Allen: Somebody love me!

Alex Moffat: Greg, we’re all happy for you, including Allen.

[Allen comes back to the bar]

Allen: Hey, I’m back in the building. What are we talking about? [Cut to Allen and Greg] Still Greg’s thing? That’s awesome.

Greg: Oh, thanks Allen, man. But I know your big break is coming real soon. Man, you got so much to offer, right, especially with Karate thing and everything.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, yeah. Didn’t you come out here to be a Karate actor?

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Allen: Yes, I want to be the next Jackie Chan. The Karate forward performer.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex Moffat: Well, I mean, I’d like to see that.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, me too. [Cut to everybody] Show us some Karate.

Allen: Come on guys, it’s Greg’s big day. I don’t want to steal his thunder.

Greg: Come on Allen, [Cut to Allen and Greg] nothing would make me happier than to see you do some Karate right now.

Cecily Strong: Come on Greg, do it.

[Cut to everybody. Allen starts showing his karate skills. It’s horrible.]

Mikey Day: Guys, check it out. This guy’s doing really cool Karate. [Other people come to watch Allen]

Allen: I don’t know. Something like that.

[Everyone claps]

Cut for Time: New Cast Member | Season 44 Episode 15

Kyle Mooney

Adam Zekeman

Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Leslie Jones

Alex Moffat

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Idris Elba

[Starts with video clips of Kyle Mooney walking down the streets]

Kyle Mooney: You know, I’ve been on SNL for six years now. And it can be such a challenge to find your place on the show. That’s why it’s so amazing when a new cast member gets the chance to shine. [Cut to Kyle Mooney talking to the camera] Unfortunately though, not all first year cast members have easy time with it. It gets kind of where Adam’s at.

[Cut to Dress Rehearsal room]

Kenan Thompson: But what if they don’t?

Kyle Mooney: It was all for nothing.

Kenan Thompson: Yes, exactly. Remember.

Kyle Mooney: All right. Cool. I got that. [Kyle Mooney leaves. Adam Zekeman walks to Kenan Thompson]

Adam Zekeman: So, Kenan.

Kenan Thompson: What’s up man?

Adam Zekeman: Hey man, so I’m not in the show again, this week. Just wondering if you got any news for the new guy?

Kenan Thompson: Um, just keep trying. You know? There’s always next week.

Adam Zekeman: Oh, the master speaks wisely. All right brother, love your ass. SNL!

[Cut to Adam Zekeman talking to camera]

What’s up people, I am Adam Zekeman, one of the new cast members on Saturday Night Live. You might be thinking, “I don’t recognize this guy.” Well, the truth is they haven’t used me too much this year. But it’s still been an amazing journey. From hearing my name in the intro, [Cut to small clip from intro featuring Adam Zekeman] [Cut to Adam Zekeman talking to camera] , to the random awesome sketches they have put me in [Cut to small clip from sketches featuring Adam Zekeman]. And even if you didn’t have a ton of lines last week, there’s still a chance that this week, you’ll write an amazing new character.

[Cut to Adam Zekeman in the hallway. Mikey Day is walking.]

Mikey Day. Mickey! Hey man! Would you want to work on that Stoned Cowboy thing?

Mikey Day: Oh, um, I don’t think I can this week.

Adam Zekeman: No problemo! All right, just text me if things change or whatever.

Mikey Day: Yeap!

Adam Zekeman: Friday night, people get busy. But that’s just for the job. [Cut to Adam walks to Leslie Jone’s office door, knocks and opens the door] Hey Leslie.

Leslie Jones: [Bleep] off, Zekeman.

[Adam Zekeman closes the door]

Adam Zekeman: Love her. Um, probably just going to end up writing on my own tonight. Easier that way.

[Cut to Wardrobe fitting room. Adam Zekeman is wearing waiter costume.]

Kyle Mooney: Hey, that cowboy thing was super funny, so it’s not going.

Adam Zekeman: Um, thanks Mooney. At least I get to play this weird waiter.

Kyle Mooney: I think it’s just a regular waiter. See you man.

[Kyle Mooney leaves]

[Mikey Day walks to Adam Zekeman]

Mikey Day: Hey, Adam, we’re going to have to lose you from the restaurant piece.

Adam Zekeman: Oh, okay. Is the sketch too long? Or?

Mikey Day: No. Also, is this your crumpled up drawing of you winning an Emmy award? [Mikey Day hands over a paper with rough drawing] Cleaning crew found it in your garbage can. Yeah, I thought it might be your’s.

Adam Zekeman: Oh, I don’t think so. What the hell.

Mikey Day: All right. [Mikey Day leaves] See you dude.

Adam Zekeman: Thanks man.

[Cut to rehearsal on stage]

Well, I got cut from the sketch. That’s real funny. But that happens for the best. [Cut to Adam Zekeman talking to the camera] Well, usually not the best. But the good news is, this week is also the SNL winter carnival [Cut to clips from carnival] where we play carnival games and can potentially win a spot on the show. So, this might be my last chance.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney receiving a cotton candy in the carnival]

Kyle Mooney: Thank you.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant is playing a game to hit balloon with bullseye needles. Beck Bennett is watching Aidy Bryant]

Beck Bennett: Hah! Maybe try hitting one.

[Aidy Bryant hits Beck Bennett with the bullseye needle. Beck Bennett is hurt.]

Aidy Bryant: Bitch!

[Aidy Bryant walks away]

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: The winter carnival is always dope. There’s games and cotton candy. And I always get to punch some weird ass juggler.

[Cut to Adam Zekeman walking in the carnival]

Adam Zekeman: Wow. Those are some of the most colorful balloons I’ve ever seen.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Test your strength and maybe you could win a part on the show. [Adam walks to Alex Moffatt to try winning the part] Oh, the Zekeman.

[Everyone is looking at Adam Zekeman]

Adam Zekeman: Well. Here goes nothing. [Adam Zekeman wins the game]

Wow!

[Everyone is cheering for Adam Zekeman]

Original Weekend Update character. It’s my time to shine, baby.

Kyle Mooney: Nice work, Zekeman.

[Cut to set of Weekend Update. Adam Zekeman is there as Stoned Cowboy with Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: Yeah, the Stoned Cowboy. I think you might be a little too stoned.

Adam Zekeman: No way, amigo. [Cut to Adam Zekeman] My eyes are just red from all the, um, trail dust.

[Cut to Adam Zekeman walking out of the stage door. Everyone is cheering and clapping for Adam Zekeman]

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Alex Moffat walks to Adam Zekeman]

Kyle Mooney: It’s over Adam. I know you switched the malice.

[Idris Elba joins Kyle Mooney and Alex Moffat]

Idris Elba: You dirty little rat. You stole my bid.

Adam Zekeman: I can explain.

Idris Elba: You’re going to jail, mate.

[Two policemen walk in and arrest Adam Zekeman]

Adam Zekeman: I was just trying to get on the show. Please. I’m sorry.

Kyle Mooney: You lying sack of [Bleep].

[Cut to Kyle Mooney talking to the camera]

So, obviously we had to send Adam to jail and unfortunately he passed away few hours later. But the good news is, we got a new cast member. Ladies and gentleman, meet Coby Murphy.

[Coby Murphy joins]

Coby Murphy: [Coby Murphy acting weird] We think it’s going to be fun rest of the season. I don’t know.

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, it’s good.

R. Kelly Interview Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 15

Gayle King… Leslie Jones

R. Kelly… Kenan Thompson

Cameraman… Beck Bennett

Crisis manager… Chris Redd

[Starts with Gayle King in her interview set]

Gayle King: You’re watching a CBS news special. I am your host, Gayle King. And this is part three of my interview with R&B star Robert Kelly. Also known as R. Kelly. Also knows as individual who number one’s. Thank you for being here Robert.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Thank you for having me and please just call me victim.

[Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly]

Gayle King: I am not going to do that. I guess my first question for you, Robert is, why exactly are you doing this interview?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Because people think I’m some kind of a monster. I’m here to remove all of that. My lawyer was telling me no. But my ego, my ego was telling me yes.

[Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly]

Gayle King: Robert.

R. Kelly: Please call me victim.

Gayle King: No. [Cut to Gayle King] Tell me some of the things that people are saying about you?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:That I have a harem of young girls and I started a – what’s the word? It starts with a Q.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: You mean cult?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Yeah, that’s it.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Right, and why do you think people are saying that about you?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Probably because it looks like I have a harem of young girls and I started a cult. Look, I made a lot of mistakes in my life. Maybe I can’t read or write or math. But I’m still a person. I put on my pants one sleeve at a time just like everybody else.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: What about the lifetime docu-series that interviewed numerous women, family members and your former tour manager, [Music starts playing in the backgroung] all saying the same thing.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: [Singing] ♪It’s 10 in the morning. And I’m talking to Oprah’s friend.
♪If I can just get through this, everybody’s gonna love me again.

[Music stops]

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Robert. The docu-series.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Oh, right. These people made a six part documentary about me, six. That’s almost ten. And not one of them said a nice thing about me. They made it seem like I was the devil. I’m not the devil. And even if I was, you can’t think of one nice thing to say about the devil? I can. Nice horns. Gives good advice.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: So why do you think people are making these lines up about you?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:For money, obviously. I’m a very rich man. And people are always trying to take advantage of me.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Well, if you’re so rich, why did it take so long to pay 160,000 you owe back in child support?

[Cut to R. Kelly][Music starts playing]

R. Kelly:[Singing] ♪Damn, that’s a good question, I wasn’t expecting that
♪ Now I got to switch directions and get some sympathy back

Because I’m a very poor man.

[Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly]

Gayle King: But Robert.

R. Kelly:Victim.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: No. You sold millions of records and made millions of dollars.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:More than millions. Thousands!

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Millions is more than thousands, Robert.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Okay, my bad.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: So, what happened to all the money?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:I don’t know. Ask my—who’s the guy you pay to watch all your money? It starts with a Q.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Your accountant?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:No, my cousin Reggie, that’s it. [Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly] You know what, this is all great stuff. But maybe we should save some of it for the interview.

Gayle King: What are you talking about? This is the interview.

R. Kelly:For real? Then where are the cameras?

Gayle King: There’s literally one right in front of you.

[Cut to Cameraman behind the camera]

Cameraman: Hey!

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:You all just keep your camera out in the open like that? Y’all some freaks?

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Just tell me why all those women would say the same things about you if they weren’t true?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: You can start a rumor about any celebrity just like that. All you got to do is push a button on your phone and say R. Kelly did this to me. And then attach a video of me doing that thing. And people will believe you. It’s scary.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: I really want to laugh right now. But I can’t tell if this interview is a prank on you or a prank on me.

[Cut to R. Kelly] [Music starts playing]

R. Kelly:♪This interview is going great
♪Oprah’s friend thinks I’m innocent.
♪I should be a lawyer
or maybe I should run for president

[Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly]

Gayle King: Stop singing.

R. Kelly:Oh, you can hear that?

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Yes, yes. Now, tell me why were you hanging out at McDonald’s?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Okay, first of all, I did not go to a McDonald’s.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Boy, we saw you at McDonald’s.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Okay, fine, I love McDonald’s. It’s my favorite restaurant in the world. They got that burger that I like, what’s it called? Starts with a Q.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Big Macs?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Yeah, that’s it.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Look, I’m just going to ask you plainly, have you ever held women against their will?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Why would I do that? That would be stupid. How stupid would it be for me, R. Kelly, with all the crazy legal things I’ve don’t in my past, on tape and gotten away with, Scott Free, to do it again? How stupid do you think I am? Is this a camera? [Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly. R. Kelly pointing at the plant behind him suspecting there’s a hidden camera.]

Gayle King: No, no. That’s a plant.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Okay, guys, think for a minute. Use your brains. Why would I do these things? [R. Kelly getting emotional, stands from his chair] For 30 years. I gave y’all trapped in the closet. Feeling on your booty. Age ain’t nothing but a number. And so many other clues. And this is how you repay me? I don’t have anybody left in my corner. 30 Years. [Crisis manager walks in to cool R. Kelly down]

Crisis manager: Okay, brother. Chill.

R. Kelly: That’s almost a decade!

Gayle King: Who the hell is this?

R. Kelly: Oh, this is my crisis manager. How am I doing?

Crisis Manager: Oh, you killing it right now Kells. Oh, you looking real good out here.

R. Kelly: Do I look sympathetic?

Crisis Manager: Damn, specially when you’re screaming at that lady, man, real pleasant. Now, we’re coming down the home stretch, all right? Crisis averted.

R. Kelly:Okay, [Cut to R. Kelly] I am ready to start the interview.

[Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly]

Gayle King: The interview is over. Robert, [Cut to Gayle King] you’ve been combative, defensive and completely unhinged. But somehow you expect us to believe you’re completely innocent.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: That would be ideal, yes. And now, I humbling await your decision, miss Jail King.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: What? My name is Gayle King with a G.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:So you’re not the Jail King? Then what am I doing here?

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Boy, you are not right.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:So you think I made things worse?

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Yes, you definitely made them worse.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Scale of 1 to 10, how much worse?

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: 13.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: So is that highest? Okay, fine. I guess there’s only one thing left to say, Jail King. [Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly. R. Kelly faces the plant where he thinks the hidden camera is] Live from New York—

Gayle King: It’s over fool. Right here. [Gayle King and R. Kelly face the camera]

Gayle King and R. Kelly: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Legal Shark Tank | Season 44 Episode 14

Michael Avenatti… Pete Davidson

Janine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Alan Dreshowitz… John Mulaney Rudy Giuliani

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Robert Kraft… Beck Bennett

Jussie Smollett… Chris Redd

[Starts with Shark Tank intro]

Narrator: And now it’s time for ‘Shark Tank: Legal Edition’ where celebrities in legal trouble make their case to see if any of our sharks will represent them. [Cut to the legal sharks] First let’s meet our legal sharks. He’s a porn lawyer who might just run for president, [Cut to Michael Avenatti] Michael Avenatti.

Michael Avenatti: Sorry for being nervous. [confident and smiling] I hate being on TV.

Narrator: Former prosecutor and current fox news Banshee, [Cut to Janine Pirro] Janine Pirro.

Janine Pirro:  When I walk into the room, all the house plants die.

Narrator: The scourge of Martha’s vineyard, [Cut to Alan Dreshowitz] Alan Dreshowitz.

Alan Dreshowitz: After I started defending Trump, no one invites me to parties anymore. I wish I could go back to defending good people like O.J.

Narrator: And the man, the myth, the leper, [Cut to Rudy Giuliani] Rudy Giuliani.

Rudy Giuliani: Don’t feed me after midnight or it’s Gremlin city.

Narrator: Both our guest sharks for tonight, Jingle based attorney Cellino and Barnes.

[Cut to Video Bumper]

Cellino and Barnes, Injury Attorneys

Happy to be here on “Shark Tank”

[Cut to Shark Tank stage]

Narrator: And now let’s meet our first troubled celeb [The door opens and Robert Kraft walks in] seeking legal help, New England patriots owner, Robert Kraft.

Robert Kraft: Hello, sharks.

[Cut to the sharks]

Sharks: Hi, Bob. Hey, Bob.

Rudy Giuliani: I already got a good feeling about being this guy. Yeah.

[Cut to Robert Kraft]

Robert Kraft: Sharks, I am currently in some hot water over accusations that I went to the day spa in Florida and got what turned out to be a not so happy ending. I’m also the only person to ever take a private jet straight to a $59 handjob. I’m seeking an attorney who will make sure no one sees the video of my 77 year old pigskin getting tossed around.

[Cut to Michael Avenatti]

Michael Avenatti: This is a serious charge, Bob. And as you’ve shown, you can’t beat it on your own. [Michael smiles]

[Cut to Janine Pirro]

Janine Pirro: If you’ll ask me, the real criminal in this story is the immigrant woman who stole that job from a soft, white, American hand.

[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]

Alan Dreshowitz: Okay, now at the risk of Reese Witherspoon blocking me on twitter, I have to say, can’t a billionaire get a Hojo in peace? Let the man have some fun. Also $59 in Palm Beach? I respect the man for getting a great deal.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: Listen Bob, if you pick me, I would happily go on TV, contradict everything you’ve ever said and then add some additional damaging information free of charge. God bless America.

[Cut to video bumper]

Cellino and Barnes happy to defend you especially if the spa had a –

[Cut to Shark Tank stage]

Narrator: UP next, the controversial [The door opens and Jussie Smolett enters] star of ‘Empire’, Jussie Smollett.

Jussie Smollett: Hey everyone, you won’t believe this, but I was just attacked outside the studio by Donald Trump himself.

[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]

Alan Dreshowitz: Jussie, is that true?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: Are there cameras outside?

[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]

Alan Dreshowitz: Yes.

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: Then no, it is not.

[Cut to Michael Avenatti]

Michael Avenatti: Jussie, why exactly are you here today?

[Cut to Jussie Smollett]

Jussie Smollett: I broke humanity. But if you take my case, I offer spoilers for next season of Empire. I die.

[Cut to Janine Pirro]

Janine Pirro: Wow! A gay black man lying about an attack. I wrote Fox news fan fiction about this. But I never thought it would come true. I’m recusing myself. Because I am just too turned on.

[Cut to Alan Dreshowitz]

Alan Dreshowitz: Jussie, you got everything I love in a client. You’re famous, you’re probably guilty, end of list.

[Cut to video bumper]

Cellino and Barnes injury attorneys, and even we want justice.

[Ends with outro]

Narrator: Shark tank, legal edition.

Pound Puppy | Season 44 Episode 13

Don Cheadle

Ego Nwodim

Beck Bennett

Heidi Gardner

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with romantic evening clips of three different couples]

Narrator: Tonight’s the night. Just the two of you. No phones, no emails. Just you and the one you love. Time to tune out the world an tune into each other. You earned this moment and nothing is going to get in your way. Unless you own a dog.

[Cut to a dog watching]

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Don Cheadle in bed]

Ego Nwodim: Your dog is watching us. To your crate.

[Don Cheadle looks at the dog]

Ego Nwodim: To your crate. To your crate.

Don Cheadle: Go to your crate.

[Cut to the dog still looking at them]

[Cut to another dog barking]

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett: Stop. He thinks you’re attacking me.

Heidi Gardner: Just put him in the laundry room.

[Cut to the dog barking]

Beck Bennett: With his anxiety? Yeah, right.

[Cut to Alex Moffatt and Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: We’re just talking, lady bug. [Cut to another dog staring at them] Everything is fine.

[Cut to Alex Moffatt and Melissa Villaseñor]

Alex Moffat: Go in the hall, we’ll be three minutes.

Melissa Villaseñor: Three minutes?

[Cut to the clips of the couples being disappointed]

Narrator: Don’t let your fur baby ruin the intimate moment you waited for all week. Now you don’t have to. [Couples unboxing the package of Pound Puppy] With Pound Puppy, the furry dog costume big enough for two people to have sex in. [Clip of couples getting inside the big dog costume] [The big dog costume is moving as couples are having sex][Moaning sex voices] Once inside, you can go to town and your down will just think there is a much larger dog in the room. With “Pound Puppy” you get the privacy you need and your dog has a new best friend. Suitable for any style of lovemaking. Need to check on your dog? Just use the mascot style eyes.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim watching the dog from the big dog costume’s eyes]

Ego Nwodim: He’s buying it.

[Cut to Don Cheadle inside the costume]

Don Cheadle: I think it’s working a little bit too well.

[Cut to dog trying to have sex with the dog costume]

Narrator: Throw your dog and yourself a bone with “Pound Puppy”. Your dog will smile while you doggy style. Available in the adult section of PETCO.

Weekend Update: Jules on the Oscars – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Colin Jost

Jules… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: The Oscars are only a week away and there will be no host for the ceremony. Here with his take is self-described cultural renegade, Jules who sees things a little differently.

[Jules comes in]

Jules: Hi, hello. Ni-hao, Colin. It’s so …[Jules breathes in] intoxicating to be back.

Colin Jost: Really great. So what do you expect from the Oscars this year?

Jules: Well, first of all, growing up, [Cut to Jules] I wasn’t like other kids. I was a little un-orthodox, if that makes sense. If other kids were dressing up for Halloween, I was dressing up for Wednesday. If my peers were throwing around a football ball, I was gathering scraps of yarn for say, a puppet’s wig. So I guess I just see things a little differently.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: That’s great. I didn’t ask but that. Let’s talk about Oscars.

Jules: Oh, here’s a referee, Colin. [Cut to Jules] They open the envelope and the Oscar goes to a lightning bug squished on the ground yet still he glows. The sun light on an old fence covered in dust, or a little boy buying his first penny candy. Go on, Colin. [Cut to Jules and Colin] Close your eyes and taste it. Mmm. Taste your childhood.

Colin Jost: Dude, your hands are visibly dirty. So, just tell me. Are you going to watch the red carpet?

Jules:  I’ll watch and scoff, Colin. [Cut to Jules] Yes, they all ask who are you wear something? What I want to know is who are you being? I want to tell every actress I see, take your clothes off, I want to see what’s underneath.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: No, you can’t do that, man. That’s really bad.

Jules: Society wants to paint them like little dolls, [Cut to Jules] but they should be like dolls I had as a child, riddled with drift wood with really realistic genitalia.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: All right. So I don’t know, who do you think is going to win best picture?

Jules: Oh, that’s tough. [Cut to Jules] On one hand I’m rooting for Black Panther or I call it, Equal Panther. [Cut to Jules and Colin] I also loved Green Book. [Cut to Jules] The story of a wise black musician teaching a mentally challenged Italian man how to love.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: I don’t think he is mentally challenged.

Jules: No, no, no. See the movie. He was. But, here’s my real best picture, Colin. [Cut to Jules]  Open on a baby laughing. He knows nothing, yet he knows more than we ever will. Cut to a white hand touching a black hand, finally. Pan over a young man feeding old woman soup. Yum. Slam zoom into the old woman’s eye. We see World War II and at it’s entirety reverse shot revealed, the baby was filming it the entire time.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: The baby was filming World War II?

Jules: And laughing, yes. She was. Wow! Gratitude.

Colin Jost: Yeah, great. Great. That’s really Cool. I am just curious. I feel like I have to ask. Your primary source of income.

[Cut to Jules]

Jules: Oh, my father sold guns to Al Qaeda.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: Jules, everyone.

Jules: The Oscar goes to Whimsy.

 

Extreme Baking Championship | Season 44 Episode 13

Show host… Alex Moffat

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

Chantal… Leslie Jones

Jimmy…Don Cheadle

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Judges… Aidy Bryant, Beck Bennett, Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Extreme Baking Championship intro]

Narrator: We not return to the Extreme Baking Championship on the food network.

[Cut to the show. The contestants are panicking.]

Show host: All right, bakers. I’m sorry to say this, [Cut to Show host] but time is up.

[Cut to Ralph and Sandy]

Ralph: My word!

[Cut to Jimmy and Chantal]

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Today’s extreme baking theme was cartoon confection and each of you had two hours to make cakes featuring beloved cartoon characters. Now it’s time to present your cakes to the judges. [Cut to Chantal, Show host and the judges] First up is home baker, Chantal.

Chantal: Hi, judges. I’m so excited.

Aidy Bryant: Hi, Chantal. Tell us what you made today, sweetie.

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Well, my character was Olaf the Snowman from the movie ‘Frozen’. [Cut to animated visualization of the cake’s concept] My design uses a marshmallow structure to create a delicious 3D snow bank. Olaf is made from sponge cake and he skated on a frozen pond made of sponge sugar. [Cut to Chantal] Cold never bothered him anyway.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: It’s very ambitious. You did all that in two hours?

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Yes, ma’am. I did.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: All right, let’s see it, Chantal.

[Cut to Chantal. She opens the cake box and her cake is terribly made.]

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy Bryant: Wow! Chantal, looks like you had some problems.

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Yes, I had some problems and I did a bad job.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: What went wrong?

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: I think my nerves got the best of me and also I’m bad.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: All right, well let’s go ahead and taste your cake. [The judges taste the cake]

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: Is it good?

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: No, it’s not. No.

[Cut to Chantal]

Chantal: I know. I did a bad job.

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Thank you. All right. Now, next up is home baker and go-to-work dad, Jimmy.

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Hey, judges. I want this so bad and I’m ready to compete.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: That’s great, Jimmy. Tell us what you did today.

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Well, tickle me excited because my character was Tickle Me Elmo’s best friend, the Cookie Monster.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy Bryant: Weird way to get there, but okay. Okay.

[Cut to animated visualization of the cake’s concept]

Jimmy: I used vanilla sponge cake covered in blueberry royal icing and cookie’s about to hang ten on his brand new skateboard made of taffy. And is that a chocolate chip cookie road he is skating on? [Cut to Jimmy] The answer is, Frick, yes.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: Jimmy, that sounds incredible.

Aidy Bryant: Are you happy with how it turned out?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Yes, ma’am, I am.

[Cut to the judges]

Ego Nwodim: Well, let’s see it. Oh, Jimmy.

[Cut to Jimmy’s cake box. Jimmy opens the box and the cake is terribly made.]

Jimmy: It’s bad. I did a bad job.

[Cut to the judges]

Aidy Bryant: What went wrong?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: You know, I think just me being here and everything I did while I was here.

[Cut to the judges]

Beck Bennett: And you wrote the name Shawn on the cake. Who is Sean?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: I don’t know. I don’t know Sean. I don’t know why I wrote that.

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Well, that’s too bad. Next up is Sandy. Sandy, tell us what you made.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Hi, judges. My character was the undersea optimist, Spongebob. He came out so good. I’m just going to show you. [Sandy opens her cake box, and the cake looks great.] Okay. So, what do you think?

[Cut to Show host and the hosts]

Aidy Bryant: It’s fine.

Show host: Next up is Ralph.

[Cut to Sandy]

Sandy: Wait! That’s it? You are moving on?

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Afraid so, Sandy. Yeap. [Unknown voice says “Kill me!” The Show host looks around.] I’m sorry, hang on. Is that your cake, Jimmy?

[Cut to Jimmy’s Cake, his cake is speaking]

Jimmy’s Cake: I shouldn’t be— Kill me!

[Cut to judges]

Ego Nwodim: What’s going on there, Jimmy?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Well, ma’am—[Jimmy’s cake pukes] I believe that my cake is such an abomination that it has maybe come to life.

[Cut to Jimmy’s cake]

Jimmy’s Cake: Please destroy me! I feel nothing but pain!

[Cut to judges]

Aidy Bryant: Well, that’s disgusting, but also pretty creative.

[Cut to Sandy and Jimmy]

Sandy: I’m sorry, are you seriously saying that cake is better than my cake?

Jimmy’s Cake: Umm, bitch!

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Sandy, I’m not judge so I can say this. You are coming off as crazy.

[Cut to Jimmy’s Cake. It can’t stop puking.]

Jimmy’s Cake: Grr, cookies!

[Cut to Show host]

Show host: Now, moving on to Ralph. What cartoon character did you choose?

[Cut to Ralph]

Ralph: My cartoon was Yoda, the Pesky Elf.

[Cut to judges]

Aidy Bryant: That’s not a cartoon character and not an Elf, but let’s see it.

[Cut to Ralph. Ralph opens his cake box.]

[Ralph’s cake is Yoda holding a green stick. His cake is fine.]

Ralph: Okay.

Beck Bennett: Okay. [Cut to Beck Bennett] Interesting. And what’s that he’s holding?

[Cut to Ralph]

Ralph: That’s his famous penis, of course.

[Cut to judges]

Aidy Bryant: Wow, we have a tough decision to make.

[Cut to contestants]

Sandy: No, you do not.

[Cut to Jimmy’s cake]

Jimmy’s Cake: Send me hell where I belong! [Jimmy’s cake pukes again]

Jimmy: Shut up. Shut up.

Show host: No! all right. [Cut to Show host] We’ll be back with the judges’ decision right after this.

Bar Fight | Season 44 Episode 13

Nelson… Beck Bennett

Darla… Heidi Gardner

Rick… Mikey Day

Don Cheadle

[Starts with a clip of road side bar] [Cut to Don Cheadle drinking at the bar. Nelson and Rick come to the bar.]

Nelson: Hey Darla, how about two shots of Jack and one peek of that fine ass of yours. Please.

Darla: Keep dreaming, Nelson.

Nelson: What, I said please.

Rick: That you did, Nelson.

Nelson: All right. Cheers, to the open road—[Don Cheadle pushes Nelson’s elbow] Hey, man! What the hell? [Nelson pushes Don Cheadle] Y’all just made me spill my whiskey.

[Don Cheadle stands and prepares to fight]

Don Cheadle: You don’t want none of this man.

Nelson: Oh, I reckon I do.

Don Cheadle: Well, I guess we got some business then.

Nelson: All right.

[Cut to everybody in the bar]

Rick: Come on, y’all, clear some space. There’s gonna be a fight. [People are preparing, removing tables to make space for the fight]

Nelson: Put my fighting song on, Rick. I want something to listen to while I’m beating this ass.

Rick: You got it, brother. [Rock goes to jukebox and plays the song]

Don Cheadle: Come on, son. Take a swing.

Nelson: I’m fixin’ to.

Don Cheadle: Well, go on then.

Nelson: Ladies first. Come on!

[Music starts to play] [Don Cheadle is confused]

Don Cheadle: What is the song?

[Cut to Nelson]

Nelson: I don’t know.

[Cut to Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: It’s very bright. It’s very fun. Is this your fighting song?

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: No, hey, rick, what’s up with this song, brother? Did do you a-26?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: Yeah. I’m sorry about that, I think I put on the wrong song.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: Well, I’m good brother. I ain’t here to listen to music. I’m here to fight.

Don Cheadle: Guess that are makes two of us then.

[Nelson and Don are trying to fight, but it looks like they’re dancing to the music]

Nelson: Come on. What you waiting for?

[Cut to Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: It’s just don’t feel right with this sucking on a lollipop song on. I know you feel it, too.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle. They are actually dancing now.]

Nelson: Yeah, yeah, I do. Darla, can we change the song?

[Cut to Darla]

Darla: Yeah, we can’t skip it. Either drink or fight.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: Well, I want to fight. It just don’t feel right with this song on.

Nelson: So what do we do? Wait it out?

Don Cheadle: Sounds like a plan, bitch!

[Nelson and Don start dancing]

Ha, you like it.

Nelson: No, I don’t.

Don Cheadle: Yeah, you do. You dancing to it.

[Cut to Rick dancing slowly]

Rick: Like, no, he ain’t. He’s just moving his body to the rhythm. Same as the rest of us.

[Nelson and Don start dancing]

Don Cheadle: Yeah, that’s called dancing, dumbass.

Nelson: At best I’m boppin’ around. Nothing more, nothing less.

Don Cheadle: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, punk.

Nelson: What do you reckon this song’s about?

[Cut to Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: Oh, I think it’s about letting you fight it and not pushing it. That’s what the fella means when he says, “Sucking on your lollipop”.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: Yeah, that’s what I reckon, too.

Don Cheadle: Yeah, you are right. Your dumb as probably thought it was about candy.

[Cut to Nelson]

Nelson:  Oh, I want to beat you down so bad. How much longer is this song? And also, what’s it called and who sings it?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: It’s called “Lollipop” it’s by Mika.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: Oh, don’t let me forget that, bud.

Rick: Looks like, building into a big finish. Good.

[Cut to Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: Time kick your ass. And is that “Mika” with a “K” or a “C-h”?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: That’s a ‘K’.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: Oh, here we go. Getting funky.

Don Cheadle: So much going on this song?

Nelson: Oh! Here’s that big finish. Here we go!

[Everybody in the bar start dancing with Nelson and Don Cheadle]

[Nelson and Don Cheadle are holding hands and dancing]

Sucking too hard on your lollipop

or love’s gonna get you down

Sucking too hard on your lollipop

or love’s gonna get you down

[The song finished. Everybody is cheering.]

[Don Cheadle suddenly punches Nelson]

Nelson: What the hell, man. I thought we were having fun?

Don Cheadle: Fun’s over, punk!

[Don Cheadle jumps on Nelson]

[Cut to the clip of road side bar]

Trump Press Conference Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 13

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

William Barr… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with press waiting for Donald Trump for his message]

Narrator: And now, a message from the president of the United States.

[Cut to Donald Trump walking up to lectern]

Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. I’m here to declare a very urgent important national emergency. This is a big one so I don’t want to waste any time. That’s why first I would like to blow my own horn a little bit. I just had a great health exam. I’m still standing 6’7”, 185 pounds, shredded.

Also, we have another summit coming up in Hanoi with the North Korean leader, Chairman Kim, who by the way is very cool, misunderstood guy. I’m looking forward to seeing him next week. It is dinner for smugs as he calls.

Let’s cut to the chase folks. We need wall. Okay? We have tremendous amount of drugs flowing into this country from the southern border or the brown line as many people have asked me not to call it. That’s why we need wall. Because wall works. Wall makes safe. You don’t have to be smart to understand that, in fact it’s even easier to understand if you are not. You can see why I got to fake this national emergency run. I have to because I want to. It’s really simple.

We have a problem. Drugs are coming into this country through no wall. I asked President Xi if they had a drug problem in China. I’m not going to do the voice, but he said, “No, no, no. Me no like drugs. Me like death penalty.” It would have sounded better with the voice I think I must say. But imagine if we used the death penalty for nonviolent crimes here. You shot the [Hand gesturing as shooting guns] ‘bing-bing’ two in the back of the head. Just something to kick around.

I’m basically taking military money so I can have wall. I’m going to sign these papers for emergency and I will immediately be sued and it will not go in my favor and end up in the supreme court and call my buddy, Kavanaugh and I will say, “It’s under the pay of Donny”, and I’ll say “New phone, who dis?” And the Mueller report will be released, crumbling my house of cards and I can pled instantly and do a few months in the factory. And my personal hell of playing president will finally be over.

I should probably take a few soft ball questions right now. Who do we got here? Oh, NBC has their hand up, but they suck, so not them. ABC sucks too, but they have Agency Of Shield. We love the Shield though. So I guess I will start with you. Go ahead.

[Cut to press reporters. Cecily Strong is standing.]

Cecily Strong: Mr. President, do you feel like enough progress has been made in the talks with China to end the increase of tariffs by March 1st?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Look, you are asking the wrong guy. I friggin’ love tariffs. Not as much as wall, but I do love them. I know we will strike a big, big deal with China and no matter how awesome it is, it will be awesome. Chuck Schumer is going to say, and I will not do the voice, he will say something like “Oy Vay”. You know what? I’m going to do the voice. “Oy Vay, what do you mean, me suge that”. That’s just the kind of dirty, ugly, vicious  toilet bowl politics they wanted me to do. Yes you, where are you from?

[Cut to press reporters. Mikey Day is standing.]

Mikey Day: Playboy magazine.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Sweet, sweet, sweet. Many nights in the Grot Oh, am I right?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Okay. Numbers from your own border patrol say that illegal immigration is actually down.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, sit down. I don’t like that question. Sit down.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I didn’t ask my question yet.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Look, I just found out my campaign manager is going to die in prison, Okay? So, take it easy on me, will you?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I’m not going to sit until you answer m question.

Donald Trump: Sit down or I’m switching back to hustler. Look, before I take the question, I want to swerve way the heal out of my own way and point out that Attorney General William Barr, please stand up. [Cut to William Barr standing] Congratulations. This guy is going to do [Cut to Donald Trump] such a great job, but still he’s working for me, so I give him three months, tops. Dead man walking right there. [Cut to William Barr. He is scared] Next question. [Cut to Donald Trump]  Let’s do a girl one. You.

[Cut to press reporters. Heidi Gardner is standing.]

Heidi Gardner: Wow. Very cool In your remarks today, you said you were too new to politics earlier in your administration. Is that an admission that you are in fact just kind of winging it?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Come on, Doll. I’m learning. Let’s not forget, technically this is my first real job, okay? I remember when Obama explained president to me in the oval office, and won’t do the voice because I lost a bunch of you with the Schumer Impersonation, but I thought Obama was joking. Had I known then what I know now, I would have told Putin to give the job to Hillary instead. Next question.

[Cut to press reporters. Kyle Mooney is standing.]

Kyle Mooney: Mr. President, Jim Acosta, CNN.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, seriously man? How do you keep getting in this room. I would love to build a wall around Jim.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: There is numbers showing undocumented immigrants committing crimes at much lower numbers than native born Americans.

Donald Trump: Oh my god, Jim. Those numbers are faker than this emergency. Look folks, we need major immigration reform, translation, wall. Do you know that right now we have something called chain migration? It says any bad person or gangster or wisenheimer can come in this country with 27 or 47 or Barr, give me a number.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: 91?

Donald Trump: 91. [Cut to Donald Trump] I’m told as many as 91 of their family members. I’m talking ‘abuelas’ and ‘bebes’ unless you give me wall. Now iF that doesn’t scare the crap out of the old white people, I don’t know what will. Anyway, in conclusion, this is a total emergency. A five-alarm blaze, which means I need to go to Mar A Lago to play some golf. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

State Meeting | Season 44 Episode 12

Kenan

Glen… Pete Davidson

Tom… Beck Bennett

Barbara… Cecily Strong

Phil… Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

Halsey

[Starts with a clip of Virginia State Capitol]

Kenan: All right, so we’re all in agreement that the lieutenant [Cut to Kenan speaking] governor should be encouraged to step down? [Cut to everybody nodding their heads agreeing] All right. Then it’s settled. [Cut to Kenan] One more quick thing before we get out of here. As you all know, earlier this week our governor admitted to wearing blackface in college as part of a costume. [Cut to everybody listening] Then later the Attorney General [Cut to Kenan] also admitted to wearing blackface in college for a costume. [Cut to everybody listening] It’s extremely [Cut to Kenan] embarrassing to the state and as chair of the ethics committee I have to ask, has anybody else worn blackface in college? Anybody? This is completely off the record. So tell me now so we can get ahead of this. [Cut to everybody. Glen raises his hand.] Yes, Glen.

Glen: You going to get mad?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: No, I’m not gonna get mad. I just need to know now, did you wear black face in college, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen lowers his head] [Cut to Kenan] Is that a yes, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen nods] [Cut to Kenan] It’s okay. Who did you dress up as, Glen?

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Mr. T.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Okay. See, I didn’t get mad. Did you take pictures, Glen? [Cut to Glen. Glen lowers his head] [Cut to Kenan] So you did. Well that’s not good. But you did the right thing coming forward.

[Cut to everybody. Tom raises his hand.]

Tom: I have a question. [Cut to Tom] What if the blackface was just part of your costume of a black person?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: You see Tom, that’s exactly the kind of thing that we’re looking for today. [Cut to everybody. Barbara raises her hand.] Yes, Barbara.

Barbara: Does it still count [Cut to Barbara Glen and Phil] if you did it all the way back in the 80s.

Phil: Of course not. It was funny and cool in the 80s.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Nope, I’m going to stop you right there, Phil. It does still count and it was never funny or cool. Okay, anybody else?

[Cut to everybody. Kyle raises his hand.]

Kyle Mooney: I have a question.

Kenan: Yeah, go ahead.

Kyle Mooney: What if you wore [Cut to Kyle] the blackface as a tribute like a homage to your hero.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Who is your hero?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Al Jolson.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Okay, well, I would file that as very, very wrong. People, we are elected state officials. We can’t having this piled up.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: But it was the 80s!

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean, dude.

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: What if I dressed in black booty.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Black booty?

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: Yeah, like one time in college, part of my costume was a big old black booty.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I am really confused. How could anybody tell it was a black booty?

[Cut to Phil]

Phil: Because I was wearing shoe polish on my face.

Kenan: Now see, [Cut to Kenan] the shoe polish, yes, was obviously wrong. [Cut to Alex raising his hand] What?

Alex Moffat: What if you were just goofing around with your friends?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Still wrong.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex Moffat: Okay, but what if it was part of your costume of a black person?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I just answered that.

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: But, but what if the costume won a contest?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: What was the contest?

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: Blackest face.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Am I in hell?

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Hey, you said you weren’t going to get mad.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I am not mad. I just didn’t think this would be so complicated.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: But what if I wore black face for a costume of a black woman?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: It’s still bad. It’s the same bad. It’s the same bad. Is that what you did?

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Oh no, I was fat Al Sharpton.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Why did you even ask?

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: For next time.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: There’s not going to be a next time.

[Cut to Kyle, Glen, Barbara and Phil]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, Barbara. It’s not the 80s anymore.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: It wasn’t okay in the 80s.

[Cut to Kyle, Glen, Barbara and Phil]

Glen: See, he’s getting mad now.

Kenan: I’m not mad! [Cut to Kenan] Look, is there anybody else?

[Cut to Halsey]

Halsey: I have a question. What if they’re half black?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Hmm. Okay. Well, you’re still offensive, but I guess if you’re biracial, there’s a different connotation.

[Cut to Halsey]

Halsey: No, not biracial. I mean one year my costume was to be both Michael Jacksons. So I only did half black.

[Cut to everyone]

Barbara: That is an awesome idea.

Alex Moffat: I’m doing that next year.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: No! No more blackface. Look, let’s just get this over with. Everybody here that’s worn blackface in the 80s, raise your hands.

[Cut to everybody. Everybody except Alex are raising their hands.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Or the 90s.

[Cut to everybody. Now, Alex is also raising his hand.]

[Cut to Kenan]

All right, great. So that’s everybody. Well, I’m going to take a two-week lunch before a lose damn mind. And I advise all of you to delete any Facebook folder labeled Halloween and hope for the best. All right.

[Cut to everybody. Kenan leaves.]

Glen: See. I told you he was going to get mad.

Tom: We can still do the voice, right?

Everyone: Yeah. Of course.