Tag: Beck Bennett

Ladies Room – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Emma Stone

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with people dancing in a room. The music is playing.]

Ego Nwodim: Oh-oh.

Cecily Strong: I had to leave my one bedroom, two bath rental to come to this?

Leslie Jones: Sorry, girl, but you had to get here.

Emma Stone: Yeah, girl. These women have their hands all over your man.

Cecily Strong: Ooh, I cannot hear this today. This makes me much, much, crazy insane. And girlfriend, you know I’m already most of the way there.

Emma Stone: Yeah, girl. Didn’t your psychiatrist say he wouldn’t take your money anymore?

Cecily Strong: Listen girls, I’m not going to stoop to the level of a J-A-W. Jackass woman. Because things might get crazilus.

Leslie Jones: Crazilus? Did you mean to say that?

Cecily Strong: No. Let’s go somewhere where we can talk in private.

[Cecily, Emma and Leslie start dancing and moving]

Everybody: I’m gonna meet you in the ladies room

Emma Stone: You do not need this.

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon

Emma Stone: He owes you everything.

Everybody: I’m gonna meet you in the ladies room

Emma Stone: He was gay before he met you.

Everybody: We’ll be back pretty soon

Emma Stone: He has his green card because of you.

[A band comes in the room]

Everybody: Oh, oh, oh, oh

Emma Stone: It’s your brother and his electric dancing chair.

Everybody: I don’t know but I think there’s something up with your man
Something up with your man
cause he’s out there bragging that he just bought a purple Trans-Am.
That’s his mama’s car.

I’m going to meet you in the ladies room.

Cecily Strong: These women just keep pushing me.

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon

Emma Stone: But you’re mad at him too, right?

Everybody: I’m going to meet you in the ladies room

Cecily Strong: No, just those nasty, nasty women

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon.

Leslie Jones: I think your anger is misplaced

Everybody: I’m gonna meet you in the ladies room

We’ll be back real soon.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Hey! Hey! [Music stops] What the hell is going on in here?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck Bennett: We’re all dancing in the ladies room.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Shut up.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Her man has been giving her headaches, so we’re discussing it in the ladies room.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily Strong: But I’m not mad at him. Just those CHWs, those chicken-headed women.

[Cut to the women]

Ego Nwodim: So get out of here, sir. This is a ladies restroom.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: This is not a restroom.

[Cut to the women]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yes, it is. It’s the ladies room at club Vortex.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: No, it is not. This is a fitting room at Limited Express.

[Cut to the women]

Emma Stone: Then why did I go to the bathroom in there?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Why did you what? [Kenan runs to the door and looks in there] Oh, my – this is a mess all over this room. Didn’t you see there wasn’t no toilet in there? Huh? This is a fitting room. There is so much mess. How many of y’all went?

[Cut to the women. They all raise their hands.]

Leslie Jones: I went five times because I drank two boxes of wine.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: What is wrong with you people? This is Limited Express. Why don’t you know that?

[Cut to the women]

Cecily Strong: Since when it is a Limited Express and not club Vortex anymore?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Since Christmas. It was in the paper. They got shut down for serving tainted burger meat.

[Cut to the women]

Emma Stone: Who keeps up with all that?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: There wasn’t no toilet in the room.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck Bennett: I wondered why I was going in front of a three-way mirror. What kind of ladies room is that?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Again, this is not a ladies room. And what is your deal anyway, man? You’re not even a lady.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck Bennett: No. I’m eye candy. Plus this is my chair that I own.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Get out before I call the police. Man, I got to clean this whole thing up before 6 AM.

[Cut to everybody] [Music starts playing, everyone is leaving while dancing]

Everybody: We’re gonna meet you in the ladies room.

Kenan Thompson: You are kidding me. Every single stall?

Everybody: We’ll be back real soon.

Kenan Thompson: No, you won’t. You are banned.

Leslie Jones: I have to pee before I leave.

The Actress – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Emma Stone

Director … Beck Bennett

[Starts with Emma driving to her work]

Narration: I’ve been trying to make it as an actress for years, but I was sick of doing commercials of playing one dimensional women with vacant lives. Then one day, life came knocking. This time with the challenge.

[Cut to shooting set]

Emma Stone: Excuse me. Hello. I’m grace. Are you the director of the film?

[Cut to the director]

Director: What?

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I’m the lead actress. I play the woman who gets cheated on the gay porn.

[Cut to the director]

Director: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I wanted to ask you about my line if you have a moment. I open the door, and I say, “Jared, what are you doing? Not with my god son.” Like that?

[Cut to a young boy working out behind the director]

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Is that my god son?

[Cut to the director]

Director: Yeah.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Fascinating.

[Cut to the director]

Director: You’ll put on whatever you want from the woman thing. You’ll get your mean voucher after we wrap.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Oh, thank you. [Emma goes to change] Oh, Lube.

Narration: [Emma goes through the woman’s stuff] The director’s method was guidance regarding the character. All I had were clues, pieces, a puzzle of the woman’s life. Two pairs of loose sweat pants, a single ugg boot, a couple of batteries and some happy 2017 glasses. Who are you, Deirdre? That’s the name I gave her. [Cut to the director talking to other actors] The first scene was rough.

Director: Action!

[Emma walks in]

Narration: I was having trouble finding her.

Emma Stone: I’m going to the mall. Perhaps I’ll get some flowers to brighten up the place. The house could use some color, no? If you need me, you can reach me on my cell phone.

[Cut to the director]

Director: Cut. Just say what’s in the script.

[Cut to Emma and the director]

Emma Stone: I was just trying to act as Deirdre.

Director: There’s nothing to her. People are just going to scroll past you so they can get off. She has no past, no future. She exists only to be cheated on. Say what’s on the script.

Emma Stone: Thank you.

Director: Action!

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Jared, I’m getting my nails at the mall. Now teach my godson push-ups right before our wedding, Jared.

Director: Cut. That’s great. [Cut to the director] Nice and flat. On the real stuff . If you don’t want to watch, you can sit on a folding chair just outside. I’ll call you when it’s time for you to catch them in the act.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: When they betray me.

[Cut to Emma sitting at the side of the swimming pool practicing her lines]

Narration: I was riddled.

Emma Stone: Jared, how could you?

Narration: I didn’t know if I would find Deirdre in time.

Emma Stone: Not with my god son. Jared, Jared.

Director: Wife, we’re ready for you.

Narration: And then just when I thought she’d never come to me.

[Emma goes to the set]

Director: Action.

[Cut to Emma]

Narration: She did.

Emma Stone: Jared, what are you doing? Not with my god son.

[Cut to Emma’s depiction of her character’s past]

Narration: I saw the rich and beautiful back story of this woman. Her childhood, her first job. The night she met Jared.

Crowd: Three, two, one, happy new year!

[Cut to Jared and Deirdre]

Narration: The promises she was told.

Jared: I will love you, a woman, forever.

Narration: Her god son’s 18th birthday.

[Cut to Deirdre and her god son]

Deirdre: I know how much you like batteries.

Narration: And all another times she was blindsided by life.

Deirdre: Jared, someone broke in and stole my left ugg boot. Jared, you have a second cell phone? Jared, why is my god son sleeping over?

Narration: I felt the bruises and scars from the past. I saw what led her here.

[Cut to Deirdre talking to her god son]

Deirdre: You would never hurt me.

Narration: And I saw her in the present walking in on the love of her life with her god son. [Cut to Emma on her shooting set] And then Deirdre took over and said –

Emma Stone: Jared, I forgive you.

Director: Cut. [Cut to the director] We’ll edit that out. Just give her the meal voucher.

[Cut to Emma getting in her car]

Emma Stone: Deirdre, how do I get you out of me? I can’t take you with me. I’m sorry. This is it. Good bye. [Emma puts her hands on steering wheel] Oh, how did I get lube on me?

Graphics Department | Season 44 Episode 17

Kyle Mooney

Dani… Beck Bennett

Ryan… Kit Harrington

Gina… Cecily Strong

Lance… Mikey Day

[Starts with three video game geeks in the office]

Kyle: Ah, my comrades, good-morrow. I’ve returned from my journey. [Passing coffee] Your goblets await.

Dani: Oh, I pray your journey to the kingdom of Duncan was a safe one.

Ryan: Indeed, my lord. And one of the munchkins.

Kyle: I triumphed. Let us feast on their balls.

[Gina walks pass them]

Ryan: Good morning, M’lady. Your smile is—

Gina: No, you don’t talk to me.

Geeks: Apologies, m’lady, apologies, m’lady.

[Lance walks in]

Lance: Hey, folks, if I could have your attention real quick.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: Our lord approaches.

Dani: Let us listen with a quizzical ear and a heart of bravery.

[Cut to Lance]

Lance: Right. So I just wanted to announce that our new employee of the month is Ryan from graphics for his great work [Cut to the geeks] on the new Walmart website. [Ryan walks to Lance to receive the coupon] Nice. Your prize is a free cone from Baskin-Robbins.

[Ryan receives the coupon, then kneels to Lance]

Ryan: Thank you, sire.

Lance: Okay. Don’t do this right now.

Ryan: It’s mine honor to serve the court’s design firm and I will—

Lance: All right. Just get up and get back to work, please. Thank you.

[Ryan walks back to his friends]

Ryan: My fellow comrades, did you hear of my most high honor?

[Kyle and Dani stand up]

Kyle: Do not call me your comrade. For thou is a traitor. ‘Twas I who has developed the color scheme for  thine Walmart home page.

Dani: Ah! You are mistaken here, sir. Does thou for get who suggested that ought to be bubbly letters.

Kyle:  ‘Twas corny, Dani.

Dani: ‘Twas not. ‘Twas awesome.

Ryan: My lords, shall we allow such petty squabbles to fracture our brotherhood of friendship?

Kyle: Aye, we shall. Let us battle, you swine.

Dani: So be it.

[The geeks get ready to battle, like in the video games]

I cast a fireball at you.

Ryan: I dodge it. And remind you of our latest—at Ye- old hard rock café. I Trade blows with a cannonball.

Dani: I deflect your attack with my oaken shield. And notice, thou seems to forget that I venomed my side of the bill already. Throw a fireball at J.B.

Kyle: Ah, Dani, you snake. I call upon mother nature and strike you both down with blue rain.

Ryan: Forcefield.

Dani: Ah! I am hurt. But I eat a berry to replenish my health. And I strike you both with a giant’s J.

Ryan: I fire an arrow.

Dani: I block it.

Ryan: I fire again.

Dani: I block again.

Kyle: I play my flute. It’s siren’s song, lulls you to sleep.

Ryan: I strike.

Dani: I block.

Kyle: I strike.

Ryan: I block.

[Lance walks into their game]

Lance: Guys! What the hell is going on? Stop fooling around and get back to work, please.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: Nay, we are honor-bound to fight for the treasure of employee of the month.

Ryan: If you oppose this, we shall destroy you.

[Cut to Lance]

Lance: Okay, well, clearly giving Ryan the award was a problem so I’m just going to give it to Gina instead.

[Cut to everyone]

Dani: No, I summon and earth wall to block you.

Lance: Oh, my god!

Dani: And cast a clarity spell over the office revealing that you masturbate under the stairwell.

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Lance, is that true?

Lance: What? No! Of course, not. It’s just their stupid game.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: I use my Jacob’s cloak which renders me invisible but then I reappear and summon a picture of Ye Olde masturbation. [Showing a picture of Mikey masturbating in office]

[Cut toe verybody]

Lance: What? No. No, you give me that. [Mikey seizes the picture]

Dani: Duplication spell. [Dani Takes the same picture out]

Lance: Stop it, okay? You can all be employee of the month.

[Cut to the geeks]

Dani: Victory! Lance the super visor has honored us all. I crown thee.

Ryan: I crown thee.

Kyle: I crown thee, as well. Come, let us celebrate upon yonder Hard Rock face.

[Cut to everybody. The geeks leave the office.]

Dani: Huzzah!

Ryan: Huzzah!

Ryan: So, they just get to leave in the middle of the day?

Lance: Yeah, remember, they have all these pictures of me masturbating at work.

Gina: Oh, right. Yeah.

Future Self | Season 44 Episode 16

Trent, Mikey day,

Trent after 10 years… Alex Moffat

Tischy… Sandra Oh

Cam Thornton… Kyle Mooney

Trent after 20 years… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Trent looking at the mirror, working out in his room.]

Trent: Four, five. It’s useless. [Giving up] I’m never going to get jacked. I’m always going to be a scrawny dork. Who makes the team, never gets the girl, never amounts to anything.

[Suddenly, Treant after 10 years appears in the mirror]

Trent after 10 years: I disagree Trent.

Present Trent: Whoa, who are you?

[Cut to Trent after 10 years]

Trent after 10 years: You don’t you recognize me, dude? I’m you, 10 years from now at 25.

[Cut to present Trent]

Present Trent: But you’re—

[Cut to Present Trent and Trent after 10 years]

Trent after 10 years: Jacked? Yeah, because I didn’t give up on myself.

[Cut to present Trent]

Present Trent: So I won’t be a scrawny loser forever?

[Cut to Trent after 10 years]

Trent after 10 years: Definitely not. You’ve got ripped bod, a great job, and even a girlfriend.

[Cut to Present Trent and Trent after 10 years]

Present Trent: Wow, I have a girlfriend?

Trent after 10 years: Oh, yeah, bud.

[Cut to present Trent]

Present Trent: Whoa, I can’t believe it. Who’s my girlfriend?

[Cut to Tischy and Trent after 10 years]

Tischy: I am! What’s good, baby? I’m Tischy.

Trent after 10 years: This is Tischy? Your girlfriend in 10 years.

Tischy: I’m 47!

[Cut to present Trent]

Present Trent: I’m sorry. In 10 years she will be my girlfriend?

[Cut to Tischy and Trent after 10 years]

Tischy: Oh yeah, I give my man that good goo goo. He get that bun bun on the reg. Tischy make it all squishy.

[Cut to everybody]

Present Trent: I’m sorry, just to be absolutely clear, this 47 year old woman with the broken arm and a can of Four Loko will be my girlfriend in 10 years?

[Cut to Tischy and Trent after 10 years]

Trent after 10 years: Yes. So cheer up, the future is looking pretty bright.

Tischy: Oh, Tischy got to grab another Four Loko.

Trent after 10 years: Pace yourself babe, it’s only 10 in the morning. So just believe in yourself, Trent.

[Cut to Present Trent and Trent after 10 years]

Present Trent: Why?

Trent after 10 years: Because you’re awesome.

Present Trent: No, why is Tischy my girlfriend? I don’t understand it.

[Cut to Trent after 10 years]

Trent after 10 years: Man! You still don’t think you’re cool enough to get a girl like Tischy? Well, maybe you should talk to somebody who you think is cool. [Trent after 10 years disappears from the mirror]

Present Trent: Wait, no, no! Don’t go, I have more questions! [Cut to Present Trent] Oh my god, what’s wrong with future me?

[Cam Thornton appears in the mirror]

Cam Thornton: Hey, it’s me, Cam Thornton, the coolest kid in your highschool 10 years from now. Back then I wouldn’t even talk to you but now you’re my boss.

Present Trent: Cool. Do you know my girlfriend?

Cam Thornton: Tischy? [Cut to Cam Thornton] Yeah, I’m glad you brought that up. Do you know why you’re so into her? Cause no one at work can figure it out.

[Cut to Present Trent]

Present Trent: No, I thought like maybe in the future that sort of girl is like super desirable or something?

[Cut to Cam Thornton]

Cam Thornton: Tischy? No man, she’s crazy. You must really love her. I mean, you stayed with her after she burned down your house all those times.

[Cut to Present Trent]

Present Trent: What do you mean all those times?

[Cut to Cam Thornton]

Cam Thornton: You’ll find out. Anyway, see you in 10 years. [Cam Thornton disappears from the mirror]

Present Trent: What? No, no, no! Oh my god, am I stupid into the future? Why are you so into Tischy?

[Tischy appears in the mirror]

Tischy: Because Tischy got that good goo goo.

Present Trent: What is goo goo?

Tischy: Not what you think!

[Cut to Present Trent]

Present Trent: Tischy, like when did we meet?

[Cut to Tischy]

Tischy: The night you got beat up.

[Cut to Present Trent]

Present Trent: who beat me up?

[Cut to Tischy]

Tischy: I did. Now look at these moves. [Tischy starts dancing] Tischy dance like this. Wow! Tischy dance like that. Pow! Tischy dance like this. Wow! Tischy dance like that. Pow! [Tischy disappears from the mirror]

Present Trent: I don’t know if I should listen to my future self if he’s so into Tischy. Maybe I should just stay a weak dork forever.

[Trent after 20 years appears in the mirror]

Trent after 20 years: Who you calling dork? Hi there, name’s Trent. You, 20 years from now.

Present Trent:  Whoa, I’m still in pretty good shape.

[Cut to Trent after 20 years]

Trent after 20 years: Oh yea, cause you got the right attitude. And since you believed in yourself, 35 is looking pretty nice.

[Cut to Present Trent]

Present Trent: Is Tischy still my girlfriend?

[Cut to Trent after 20 years and Present Trent]

Trent after 20 years: [Laughs] No way.

Present Trent: Oh, thank god.

[Cut to Trent after 20 years]

Trent after 20 years: She’s your wife. [Showing the ring]

Present Trent: What?

[Tischy joins Trent after 20 years]

Tischy: What’s good! You put a ring on it!

[Cut to everybody]

Present Trent: No!

Trent after 20 years: Yes. You married the only girl I ever kissed.

Present Trent: What? Only Tischy!

[Cut to Tischy and Trent after 20 years]

Tischy: Oh yeah baby, I got that yummy pow pow.

[Cut to everybody]

Present Trent: Wait, your arm is still broken? Why do I like you?

Tischy: Cause I got that good goo goo! We do that knock knock. And I own Samsung.

Present Trent: Wait, you own Samsung?

Tischy: Yeah, I’m a billionaire, baby!

Present Trent: Oh, okay. Now I get it.

[Trent after 10 years joins]

Trent after 10 years: You think I’d do you like that? Come on, man!

Weekend Update: Astronaut Anne McClain | Season 44 Episode 16

Michael Che

Ann McClain… Aidy Bryant

Christina … Melissa villaseñor

Nick… Beck Bennett

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Earlier this week two female astronauts on the International Space Station were set to make history with the first ever all-female space walk, but it was canceled by NASA because there was only one space suit that could fit a woman. Here to comment is the female astronaut who did not get to space walk, Ann McClain.

[Ann McClain joins Michael Che]

Ann McClain: Hi there! Hello. Hi.

Michael Che: So this has got to be disappointing for you.

Ann McClain: [Sounding very upset] No. No, not at all. [Cut to Ann McClain] I’m practical. I get it. Only one woman suit, so Christina did the space walk with my colleague Nick and they swam in the stars and they know what it is to be god looking down on to earth and me inside the window and it’s all okay.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: Well, from the way you’re talking, it sounds like you’re a little upset.

Ann McClain: Nope, nope.

Michael Che: Because it’s still a major accomplishment to go to space.

Ann McClain: Oh, totally, yes. [Cut to Ann McClain] I worked my whole life, flew 1,600 hours. You know, became helicopter pilot. Did 216 combat missions in the United States army and got two masters degrees in Aerospace Engineering. But then space shirt and pants were the wrong size. So unfortunately the dream gotta die.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: But you still got to go space.  You just didn’t get to do the spacewalk.

Ann McClain: Yeah, I got to go to space. [Cut to Ann McClain] I got to do all of the chill stuff like being shot into the sky like a bullet on fire. And then once I got there, I got to eat all the stake dust. You konw, be wizzing in my tube. And you know, the business of space.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: It’s okay to be a little mad. I think most people here who know that’s unfair.

Ann McClain: I’m not mad at all. I’m not mad. You know, they can make a special space suit for a dog or a special space suit for a monkey, but a human girl, only one get to be moon queen. And so, yeah, I’m actually happy as hell!

Michael Che: Happy as hell? Really?

[Cut to Ann McClain]

Ann McClain: Yeah! Even got the happy tears. And the cool thing about crying in space, Michael, is that your tears keep floating around hours after you cry them.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: Well, this is actually exciting. We have the live feed from the space walk right now.

Ann McClain: Wow, and nobody told me that was going to happen. But excited.

Michael Che: Do we have them yet? [Cut to live video of Nick and Christina in space] Hey, guys, how is it going out there?

Christina: It’s amazing. Truly gorgeous to see that big, blue marvle. Really makes my multiple tours at Palmer station and Artica worth it.

Nick: And I’m Nick!

Ann McClain: I’m so happy for my friends!

Nick: This is my fifth space walk. It’s almost a chore at this point. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Ann McClain]

Ann McClain: And I do love hearing that! Wow, but  to all of my little girls out there, I just want to say you can all become astronauts, just not at the same time.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: Ann McClain everybody.

Ann McClain: It’s good. She gone.

Michael Che: Wekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

[Colin Jost joins]

Colin Jost : I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Louise’s Birthday | Season 44 Episode 16

Angila… Sandra Oh

Cecily Strong

Brian… Mikey Day

Louise… Kate McKinnon

Heidi Gardner

Mark… Kenan Thompson

Brad… Beck Bennett

[Starts with an office meeting]

Cecily Strong: Okay, everybody, thanks for joining our office coffee break.

Angila: It should be a quick meeting. I just have a few items on the agenda.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Actually, before we jump in, I noticed on the calendar. I think we’ve got a birthday in the house. [Cut to everybody] Louise. Give her a hand.

[Cut to Louise and Heidi]

Louise: 85!

Heidi Gardner:  Oh, that’s a big one! Are you doing anything fun to celebrate?

Louise: Yes.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: What are you doing Louise?

Louise: I’m going to get together with some of my favorite people and sit around at a big table in a kitchen and talk about a list of items called an agenda.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Oh, my god, is that this?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Uh-huh.

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Brian: Oh, Louise, no, let’s celebrate. Absolutely, right, guys?

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yeah!

Angila: Okay, Louise, [Angila goes to the refrigerator] I know you like yogurt. So here is a yogurt with a candle in it.

Louise: Oh, thank you very much.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: All right, Louise, it’s your birthday. You can do anything you want. So what would you like?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to everybody]

Heidi Gardner: What?

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: Is she saying kiss?

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Louise, are you saying kiss?

[Cut to everybody. Louise points at Mark and Cecily.]

Louise: Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: You want us to kiss you?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: No.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: You want me to kiss Mark?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Uh-huh. Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Okay, Mark and I are both married to other people.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Oh, yeah? Kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Louise, we’re not going to kiss.

Cecily Strong: Maybe something different.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Oh, okay.  [Louise turns to Brian and Heidi] You and you kiss.

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Heidi Gardner: We’re also not going to kiss.

[Cut to Louise, Heidi and Brian]

Louise: Okay, but maybe you kiss?

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: No, Louise, I’m sorry, but this is inappropriate. Okay, we need to stop.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Okay.

[Cut to Brad, Angila and Louise]

Angila: God, she looks so sad.

Brad: Yeah, you’re right. We should probably kiss.

Angila: Cool it Brad.

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: No, no. Don’t kiss for me. I don’t deserve it. I was only a nurse in one World War.

[Cut to Angila, Louise and Heidi]

Angila: God, what are we doing? It’s this lonely old woman’s birthday.

Heidi Gardner: I don’t care. I’m not cheating on my husband for her birthday.

Louise: Are you sure? Everyone I ever knew is dead, so maybe a kiss.

Angila: That must be hard, Louise.

Louise: I’m dying tomorrow.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Cecily Strong: Stop. You couldn’t possibly know what.

[Cut to Brad and Angila]

Brad: I don’t know. It could be kind of cool if we kissed. For Louise.

Angila: Cool, how?

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Heidi Gardner: You know what, if it will make you happy, Louise. Brian—

Brian: Yeah, sure. [Heidi and Brian kiss]

[Cut to Louise, Heidi and Brian]

Louise: Not hot. Make it French, tongue. Wet kiss.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Not hot, Louise? What do you think is going to happen here?

[Cut to Louise]

Louise: Okay, take notes, please. [Louise takes out a clip board with notes] Him and her. Him and him. That girl, that girl, cup and kiss. [Cut to everybody] Three-way here, I’m underneath looking up. Chappie Chaps and Pillow Mouth, him, lying on the table, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Three turns all round. [Cut to Angila and Louise] And yes, one spider-man.

Angila: That’s enough. I don’t know where you got that clip board or which one of us is Chappie Chaps. But what’s up with the kissing?

Louise: Come here, Angela, don’t be an ass. Angie, to watch a kiss, one knows there’s still hope in this world. Still joy. You’re a pretty girl with a dynamite mouth. So Angie, I want you to live, laugh, love, kiss!

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Oh, my god, she’s gone.

Cecily Strong: Louise!

[Cut to Heidi and Brian]

Brian: Oh, this poor woman, she’s not even going to get a funeral.

[Cut to everybody]

Brad: They’re going to strip her for parts.

Angila: Her license says organ donor but it’s just her lips.

Heidi Gardner: Wait, it also says her birthday is not today.

[Cut to Mark and Cecily]

Mark: Well, maybe we should all kiss to honor her?

Cecily Strong: What do we say? For Louise?

[Cut to everybody]

Angila: Kiss! Kiss! [Everybody turns to their partner to kiss]

[Cut to Louise, smiles and winks.]

The Duel | Season 44 Episode 16

Kenan Thompson

Sandra Oh

Mr. Abbeton… Beck Bennett

Mr. Eberle… Pete Davidson

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Sandra Oh and Melissa Villaseñor rushing to towards the courtyard]

Sandra Oh: Quickly.

[Cut to the courtyard. Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle are getting ready for the duel.]

Kenan Thompson: Mr. Abbeton. Mr. Eberle. Choose your weapons.

Sandra Oh: Stop. Kind sirs. [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh] My affections are not worth this quarrel. Whatever injury you any might incur cannot compete with the wound you inflict upon my heart.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Kenan Thompson: Listen to her gentleman. No woman is worth losing life and limb over.

Mr. Abbeton: This man has laid claim to what is rightfully mine. [Cut to Mr. Abbeton] And I will have satisfaction.

[Cut to Mr. Eberle and Kenan Thompson]

Mr. Eberle: And I will not rest until his blood is spilled upon this very crown.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: I cannot bear to see either of you suffer even this slightest of wounds.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Mr. Abbeton: Then I suggest you look away.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Melissa Villaseñor: Do as he says, my lady.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle. Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle are facing opposite directions.]

Kenan Thompson: You agreed upon the terms. Ten paces and then turn and fire. Mr. Abbeton.

Mr. Abbeton: Ready.

Mr. Eberle: Mr. Eberle. [Mr. Eberle turns around and shoots] Bang!

[The bullet reflects on a statue and then hits Sandra’s arm]

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, are you okay?

[Cut to everybody]

Mr. Eberle: Oh, my god, sorry.

Melissa Villaseñor: I think [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh] you got a little bit shot.

Sandra Oh: Oh! The only pain feel is seeing the two men I adore at odds.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Well, you’re definitely bleeding.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: It’s nothing compared to their suffering.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Kenan Thompson: Gentlemen, I think we should go over the rules again.

Mr. Abbeton: Yes, because he went early, right?

Kenan Thompson: Yes. So, just to be clear, you will walk ten paces and then turn and shoot.

Mr. Abbeton: Understood?

Mr. Eberle: And what do I do?

Kenan Thompson: Well, the same thing.

Mr. Eberle: As before? Okay. [Mr. Eberle turns around and shoots] Bang!

[The bullet reflects on a statue and then hits Sandra’s another arm]

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Gross!

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh:  ‘Tis but a pin prick. The only pain is loving a woman that another man loves.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Mr. Eberle: I’m sorry, my lady. I’m not very good at this game.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: Do not give me a second thought. I beseech you, sirs. Think only of yourselves.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Kenan Thompson: Okay, perhaps we should abandon the guns and take all our clothes off and fight.

Mr. Abbeton: Our clothes. Why are you involved?

Kenan Thompson: Well, I’m mad too. This is taking up my whole damn day.

Mr. Abbeton: Let’s try one more time.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: I’m just going to move you here right in front of me. [Sandra Oh pulls Melissa Villaseñor in front of her]

Melissa Villaseñor: What?

Sandra Oh: So, you may better see.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Kenan Thompson: Gentlemen, I’m going to walk you through this. Do exactly as I say. Take one step—One step?

Mr. Abbeton: I thought we were going to take ten.

Mr. Eberle: Are we at ten already? [Mr. Eberle turns around and shoots] Bang!

Kenan Thompson: No.

Mr. Abbeton: I haven’t gotten to go bang once! [Mr. Abbeton turns around and shoots] Bang!

[Cut to everybody. The two bullets are bouncing everywhere.]

Sandra Oh: What’s happening?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh]

Melissa Villaseñor: Currently there are two bullets in the air bouncing around the courtyard.

Sandra Oh: I’m sure I can just peek out to see what’s happening. [One bullets hit Sandra Oh] Oh, my lord. I hate this day.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: The two of you should be ashamed! [Cut to Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle] Hand me the pistol.

Sandra Oh: Do be careful.

Kenan Thompson: What? Oh! [Kenan mistakenly shoots the pistol. The bullet hits Sandra’s finger and cuts it.]

Mr. Abbeton: Oh, my god. Give that back. [Mr. Abbeton tries to take the pistol back but then mistakenly shoots. The bullet hits Sandra’s another finger and cuts it.]

Mr. Eberle: [Shoots one more time] Bang! [The bullet hits Sandra’s leg]

Mr. Abbeton: Why did you do that?

Mr. Eberle: I’m sorry, I was trying something.

[Cut to Sandra Oh]

Sandra Oh: This ends now!

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Sandra Oh. Sandra walks to Kenan, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle. Her leg gets cut but she’s still walking.]

Melissa Villaseñor: My lady, your leg.

Sandra Oh: Mr. Eberle. Mr. Abbeton. I have something to say and I will be heard! You have suffered enough.

[Cut to Sandra Oh, Kenan Thompson, Mr. Abbeton and Mr. Eberle]

Mr. Abbeton: She’s right. Do you forgive me?

Mr. Eberle: I do.

Sandra Oh: Now, give me those weapons and let the healing begin—[She shoots herself]

Kenan Thompson: Yep, that’s a head trigger right there.

Kremlin Meeting | Season 44 Episode 16

Interpreter… Sandra Oh

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Tiana… Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a meeting in Kremlin]

Vladimir Putin: So we are all agreed then, we must send more troops to Crimea. Good. Okay. What is next on the agenda?

[Cut to Alex and Mikey]

Alex Moffat: President Putin, before we move on, have you heard news out of America?

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Yes. North Carolina not in final four of march madness! It’s crazy!

[Cut to Alex and Mikey]

Mikey Day: No, Mr. President, the other story, the Mueller report. American news says it is finished.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Ah, da. I have heard of this. Okay, enough of this. We have much to cover.

[Cut to everybody]

Tiana: Just one more moment, sir. [Cut to Tiana] Because in Mueller report, they say President Trump has done no collusion with Russia.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Oh?

[Cut to Alex and Mikey]

Alex Moffat: This cannot be, can it sir? American President has worked for Russia, right?

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Guys?

[Cut to Tiana]

Tiana: Please, Mr. President, we must know, did Trump work for Russia or not?

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: No.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Come on!

Mikey Day: How could this be [Cut to Mikey Day] for two years now? Every American newspaper and TV comedians has said Trump worked for Russia, this is like our best move ever!

[Cut to Tiana]

Tiana: We looked forward to report so much. It was going to be Mueller time, baby. All of the world would see the power of Russia. We were so excited.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: I was planning a party.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: I know, I know. It would have been wonderful. But is what is. Now, please, let use move on.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: But Mr. President, with all due respect, why do you say Trump works for me?

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: No, I never say this. Other people say it and I said, “Nyet”.

[Cut to Alex and Mikey]

Mikey Day: Yeah, but you said it like ‘Nyeah’.

Alex Moffat: I knew it was too good to be true. American president is blackmailed by Russia into become KGB asset? It sounds like bad ‘80s movie’.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Sounds like cool ‘80s movie to me but whatever.

[Cut to Tiana]

Tiana: Oh god. All my friends ask me, “Tiana, you work in  Kremlin, is Trump really blackmailed by Putin.” Oh, I’m so cocky, I’m saying, “That is classified Intel”, like I’m big shot. Now I look like a hole in an ass. The worst part of an ass!

[Cut to Alex and Mikey]

Alex Moffat: Wait, but if we had no blackmail why president Trump say such nice things about you?

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: I don’t know. I think he just likes me.

[Cut to Tiana]

Tiana: But why? You hate America. All you ever do is try to destroy their country!

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: I know. I can’t figure this guy out. He’s in my head!

[Cut to everybody. Heidi comes in the room.]

Heidi Gardner: President Putin, chairman Kim is here to see you.

Vladimir Putin: Of course. [Kim Jong-Un and his interpreter enter the room] Chairman Kim, welcome.

[Cut to Kim Jong-Un and his interpreter. Kim Jong-Un speaks as his interpreter translates.]

Interpreter: Our glorious leader wishes to give you this valuable gift. Michael Jordan rookie card signed by Dennis Rodman.

Vladimir Putin: Oh, thank you.

Interpreter: But glorious leader is upset to learn that President Trump is not working for you.

[Cut to Kim Jong-Un, interpreter and Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Do not worry, Russia still have much influence over America. We have internet trolls, many other things.

[Cut to Kim Jong-Un and his interpreter. Kim Jong-Un speaks as his interpreter translates.]

Interpreter: Our glorious leader says very impressive, but in a sarcastic way.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Also, we don’t know everything in the report yet. [Cut to Kim Jong-Un, interpreter and Vladimir Putin] Plus, Mueller handed off a lot of stuff to the southern district of New York. That’s where the real action is.

[Cut to Kim Jong-Un and his interpreter. Kim Jong-Un speaks as his interpreter translates.]

Interpreter: Glorious leader says you sound like Rachel Maddow right now. He’s now questioning  everything. Like did you really poison those people in England?

[Cut to Kim Jong-Un, interpreter and Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Yes, of course I poisoned them.

Interpreter: Glorious leader wonders if you also poisoned that guy who turned blue?

Vladimir Putin: Yes, I poisoned him too. Give me some credit. I turn a lot of people blue! I do what most people think. I’m still a powerful scary guy, even if Trump doesn’t work for me.

[Cut to Alex and Mikey]

Alex Moffat: With all due respect, I don’t know if I can take you seriously anymore.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin, Alex and Mikey]

Vladimir Putin: No? Well, how about I poison your family, put you in dog cage, ship you to Siberia and beat you to death with a metal pipe. Ha-ha.

[Cut to Kim Jong-Un and his interpreter. Kim Jong-Un speaks as his interpreter translates.]

Interpreter: glorious leader says that sounds more like the Putin he knows and loves!

[Cut to everybody]

Vladimir Putin: That’s right. I’m back baby!

[Ends with everyone cheering]

PowerPoint | Season 44 Episode 15

Beck Bennett

Idris Elba

Bryan… Alex Moffat

Diane… Leslie Jones

Kevin… Chris Redd

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Henriette… Aidy Bryant

Nan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a presentation between staff members]

Beck Bennett: Okay, team, sales core industries.

Idris Elba: And on behalf of Microsoft, we want to thank you for letting us help your brush up on your Powerpoint skills.

Beck Bennett: Yes, we asked you to pair up and create a mock Powerpoint presentation. We have [Cut to Bryan and Diane] Bryan and Diane from sales. [Cut to Kevin and Crystal] Kevin and Crystal from market research. And, of course, [Cut to Henriette and Nan] Henriette and Nan, our fun receptionist.

Henriette: We don’t even use computers, just use the phone. So, we’ll see.

Nan: Hopefully our natural charm carried us through.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: I’m sure you did great. Let’s see everyone’s first slide. [Cut to Bryan and Diane’s presentation] Oh, wow! Great use of bullet points.

[Cut to Bryan and Diane]

Bryan: Well, what can I say, we make a great team.

Diane: Did we tell you we’re dating?

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: A couple of times. Yes. How about you two. [Cut to Kevin and Crystal’s presentation] Okay, a nice border here.

[Cut to Kevin and Crystal]

Kevin: Market research bringing our A-game.

Crystal: Whoop-whoop.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Whoop-whoop, it’s right. And, Henrietta and Nan.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan’s presentation. There’s nothing but random boxes.]

Beck Bennett: Okay. You know what, little trouble there. No worries.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan crying]

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Hey, ladies, don’t cry. You did a great job. You’re definitely communicating something.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We’re so sorry.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: What do you think happened?

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Nan: I didn’t even know where to start.

Henriette: This is not my world.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: That’s okay, ladies, it’s just a practice.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We just kept clicking on what I believe are called Digifiles. And strange things started happening.

Nan: We made trash sir.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Don’t be so hard on yourself. Okay, you know what? Why don’t we just focus on your presentation and see where we can help.

Idris Elba: Is that okay with everybody else?

[Cut to everyone agreeing]

Bryan: Absolutely. Sure.

Diane: Yeah, I got to see this.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Awesome. Well, we asked you to make some slides about things you’re passionate about. So, Henreitta and Nan, let’s check these out. [Cut to slide that says ‘Corn bread’] Corn bread. All right. And you crossed it out.

[Cut to slide that says king a lot of times, carole and there’s a picture of Wayne Brady]

Idris Elba: Okay, it looks like Carole King and I see a small Wayne Brady in the corner.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Nan: But that was already there.

Henriette: Yeah, we actually tried to get rid of him.

Nan: I’m frustrated.

Henriette: Yeah, and now honestly, I’m at the point in my life where I feel that I can’t learn.

Nan: We’re going to be fired and slapped.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Okay. That is not going to happen. This is an optional workshop. Next, we asked you to try using a graph of your choice. [Cut to slide that has a picture of a clock] And it looks like you put a clock on a shelf.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Nan: Oh, we fixed it in the next one.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Oh, yes. [The next slide has two clocks] Now there’s two clocks.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: Yes, that’s right. There’s one for each of us.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: All right, moving on. A boy with a speaker in his eye.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We thought we could make a music video. We were so arrogant.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: That’s okay. You aimed high, let’s see where you landed. The word undo and a picture of knives.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We were trying to undo.

Nan: We kept hitting undo.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: And you added more knives.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: I’m a total simple turd.

Nan: I’m an idiot bitch.

Henriette: My husband has to tie my shoes in the morning.

Nan: I only went to preschool.

Henriette: I tripped in church and I showed my ass.

Nan: Once I couldn’t figure out how to turn off my radio, so I poured water on it, and I blew up my house.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Ladies you don’t need to do this.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: No, I’m not done. I am not diligent about brushing my teeth. I don’t do it every day or whatever.

Nan: And I wipe as best I can, but there’s always more.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Oh, my god. Stop. Just stop.

Idris Elba: That is enough.

[Cut to Bryan, Diane, Kevin and Crystal]

Kevin: I mean we can’t unhear that.

Diane: Whatever? There’s always more?

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: All right, I’m just going to go ahead and say we’re done.

Idris Elba: Yeah, yeah. On behalf of Microsoft, we can say that you could stay on the phones and so you never have to use Powerpoint again.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: Oh, thank god.

Nan: Not in a million years.

[Cut to everybody]

Diane: And bitch, brush your teeth.

Can I Play That? | Season 44 Episode 15

Denny Glans… Kenan Thompson

David… Idris Elba

Jackie… Cecily Strong

Lawrence… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Can I Play That intro]

Narrator: And now it’s time for actors least favorite game—

Audience: Can I Play That?

Narrator: With your host, Denny Glans.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Hello, everybody. Hello and welcome to Can I Play That. Where I describe a role in an upcoming movie and our contestants, [Cut to the contestants] David, Jackie and Lauren, all working actors will have decide, [Cut to Denny Glans] “Can I play that?” For example, it was just announced that Will Smith will play the father of the William’s sisters. But can he play that? [Cut to Contestants. Lawrence hits the button.]

Lawrence?

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: Yes, of course, he’ll do a great job. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Oww! Anybody else.

[Cut to David and Jackie. Jackie hits the button.]

Jackie: He absolutely cannot. He’s not black enough. [Right answer ring]

David: What?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: You are right, Jackie.

[Cut to David and Jackie]

David: Wait, wait, wait. Is this real?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: It sure is because this game is produced by twitter. Twitter, one mistake and we’ll kill you. All right, our first role is blind person, can you play it?

[Cut to Contestants. David hits the button.]

David: Yeah, can I play that. [Wrong answer buzzer] What?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Wow, god took their sight and now you want to take their jobs?

[Cut to David]

David: No, no, no. Wait a second. Wait a second. Isn’t that what acting is all about? You know, becoming somebody you’re not?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Not anymore, no. Now it’s becoming yourself but with a different haircut. Okay, next role, astronauts.

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: No, I cannot play that. [Right answer ring]

[Cut to David]

David: Wait, why can’t he play that?

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: I just sensed it was a trap.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: And it was. The astronaut was secretly Mexican all along.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

David: Secretly?

Denny Glans: That’s right. The astronaut seemed white the whole movie, but in the last scene, when he gets back from Jupiter, he goes ’23 and me’ and discovers he’s 5% Mexican.

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: Oh man, that would have been no bueno. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Watch it. Okay, now, what about Caitlyn Jenner in the Caitlyn Jenner biopic.

[Cut to David]

David: Okay, I can’t play that.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That’s correct. Bonus follow up question, who could play Caitlyn Jenner?

[Cut to Contestants. Jackie hits the button.]

Jackie: No one.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That is correct. It is an impossible movie to make, I dare someone to try. All right, a character who is half Asian.

[Cut to David]

David: Is the character visibly Asian?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Wow! Visibly Asian? Let’s take 100 points away from him please. And, bonus question, which actor can play Japanese?

[Cut to Denny Jackie]

Jackie: Anyone who’s Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese and maybe Pakistani. [Right answer ring]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Exactly. Once you’re generally Asian that’s as far as anybody looks into it. And last role, a ghost.

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: That depends, who’s the ghost?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Michael Jackson.

[Cut to David]

David: Wait, what movie is this?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans:  The Michael Jackson ghost movie. It’s on lifetime.

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: I’m going to say no one can play that. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Oww, close, only one person can play the ghost of Michael Jackson. Can you name that person?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Oh, I know, Rami Malek. [Right answer ring]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That is correct. [Cut to a picture of Rami Malek] Somehow Rami Malek can play anybody. [Cut to Denny Glans] All right, let’s move on to our lightning round. You’ll each have 10 seconds to name as many roles as possible that you can play. David, let’s start with you. 10 seconds on the board. What can you play?

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: A white guy. [Right answer ring] A white guy who gains 50 pounds. [Right answer ring] Slave owner. [Right answer ring] And that’s it. [Right answer ring]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That’s correct. You named all three roles you can play. All right. Jackie, your turn. What can you play?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Mom. [Right answer ring] Horny mom. [Right answer ring] White teacher who helps minorities. [Wrong answer buzzer] A white teacher who learns from minorities. [Right answer ring] And a president of the United States.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: In comedy or drama?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Comedy. [Right answer ring]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: In a comedy, we will accept it, yes. Okay, Derek, you’re up.

[Cut to David]

David: Can I pass?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Well, that depends. You want me to put your face on Michael Jackson ghost poster? Okay, then. 10 seconds on the clock. What can you play, and go?

[Cut to David]

David: Sammy Davis Jr. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: No, he was Jewish.

[Cut to David]

David: Extra in an ADT home commercial. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Nope, those are all white people now.

[Cut to David]

David:  Alien from outer space. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Well, when the actual aliens arrive, do you really want to be the guy who put on green face?

[Cut to David]

David: Fine, how about a new voice in the new ‘Lion King’.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Hmm, which voice?

[Cut to David]

David: It doesn’t matter, all animals are African.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Yeah, but society has decided that the lion voices are black, but meercat is Billy Eichner.

[Cut to David]

David: Then I’ll play damn bird, Zazu. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Oh, I’m sorry, that’s John Oliver. I guess he’s a hold over from when it was a British colony. All right, let’s take a quick break. We’ll return with our final round, Can You Play James Bond?

[Cut to David]

David: Hey, I know the answer to that one.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Do you, though? We’ll find out after the break on ‘Can I Play That’?

[Ends with outro]