Tag: episode 19

Dead Bopz

Bing Crosby… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a hologram of Bing Crosby sitting on a sofa]

Bing Crosby: [singing] Tu-du-du-du.

Hello there. I’m Bing Crosby. Crooner, actor, and did I mention I’m [singing] du-bi-du-bi dead!

So, how am I talking to you now? Through the magic of holograms of course. Thanks to this exciting new science from the 90s, we can recreate great artists from the past and make them sing the songs of today. Introducing Dead Bopz. Featuring performances like this from Mr. Roy Orbison.

[Cut to video clip of Roy Orbison singing ‘Sorry’ by Justin Bieber]

You can find that more on this great compilation disc right here.

[Bing Crosby is trying to hold the disc but he can’t as he’s just a hologram]

Do you like Rihanna but wish she was actually Eartha Kitt?

[Cut to video clip of Ertha Kitt singing ‘Bitch Better Have My Money’ by Rihanna]

And we’ve got over three more. Paul Robeson was one of the great singers and civil rights leaders of his day. We used to compute him and make him sing Trap Queen.

[Cut to video clip of Paul Robeson singing ‘Trap Queen’ by Fetty Wap]

Quick, somebody give that hologram a holo-Grammy! Not my joke, guys. I’m just laser beams. And there’s more. Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo, more like Ginger Rogers feat. Fred Astaire.

[Cut to Ginver Rogers and Fred Astaire singing ‘Give me everything’ by Pitbull. They sing and then start tap-dancing.]

And of course, Selena Gomez. As sung by the Selena Gomez of the 50s.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant dancing and singing ‘Hands to myself’. There’s are a lot of glitches.]

Still working out the case. Just ignore that while America’s sweetheart Leslie Gore throws down this ratchet club banger by miss Nicki Minaj.

[Cut to video clip of Leslie Gore singing ‘Dance Ass’ by Nicki Minaj]

[Bing Crosby’s hologram is drooling at Leslie Gore]

And of course you can’t mention singing holograms without Tupac showing up. Here he is with his hardcore response to all the haters out there.

[Cut to video clip of Tupac singing ‘Shake it off’ by Taylor Swift.]

Male voice: Dead Bopz.

Bing Crosby: Bye!

[Bing Crosby’s hologram disappears]

[The End]

Church Lady Cold Open

Church Lady… Dana Carvey

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Melania… Cecily Strong

Ivanka… Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Church Chat intro]

Male voice: And now it’s time for Church Chat.

[Cut to Church Lady]

[cheers and applause]

Church Lady: Thank you. Thank you everybody. Welcome to Church Chat. I’m the Church Lady. You know, it’s interesting times in America, right? And now we’ve landed on the exciting presidential matchup between a god list liberal democrat and Hillary Clinton. But first my favorite event of the week, the Met Gala Ball, the classy evening where strumpets and street walkers and sluts get to parade around in the latest genital fashion. First, we have Madonna. Let’s see what this 57-year-old mother chose to wear.

[Cut to picture of Madonna from behind at the Met Gala]

Look, her fanny’s just hanging out with sturdy straps [Cut to Church Lady] to push those six-decade old bums straight to heaven. Go get Jesus.

And then we have Beyonce. [Cut to picture of Beyonce at Met Gala] She must be thinking, “What should I wear to the ball tonight? [Cut to Church Lady] I know. A giant latex condom. All wrapped up and ready to fornicate.”

Speaking of fornicating, Beyonce made her record called Lemonade about her husband’s affairs. With that in mind, introducing today’s sponsor, Church Lady’s Lemonade.

[Church Lady shows a package of lemonade with her picture on it.]

It’s freshly squeezed just like Jay-Z’s snotty parts.  Too soon? Okay. Alright let’s talk politics, shall we? My first guest is someone I’ve talked about quite a bit here on Church Chat but we’ve never actually met face to face. Please welcome Satan.

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Ted Cruz: Hi there. You can actually just call me Ted Cruz.

Church Lady: Oh, I’m terribly sorry about that. I was just quoting one of your colleagues, Teddy. Don’t get that a bunch. You know, John Boehner, speaker of the house.

Ted Cruz: Oh, sure. No, John’s– Oh, he’s coming up with hilarious nick names for me like Buster, or son of a gun.

Church Lady: I believe the phrase was ‘Lucifer in the flesh’. Yeah, little bit different than Buster. And now you quit the race entirely. Why do you think it didn’t work out?

Ted Cruz: Well Church Lady, I suppose the American people weren’t ready for a candidate with strong Christian values, someone like me who follows the righteous path and lives his faith every blessing moment.

Church Lady: Has anyone ever told you that you’re just a little preachy? Just a little bit. We like ourselves, don’t we. Look at that face. We love ourselves. Coz we think we’re just a little bit– There it is. That’s that happy superior face coz we love Jesus more than anybody.

Ted Cruz: Yes, I do pray to god often and I think everything that happened was part of god’s plan.

Church Lady: Was it? Was it? God’s plan for you to get humiliated by an orange mannequin? That’s kind of an odd plan for god to have for you, isn’t it? Tell me Ted Man Walking, what are you gonna do now?

Ted Cruz: Well actually Church Lady, I’ve been thinking about turning evil for a while. You know? Going to the dark side. I mean, I’ve been told to go to hell so many times I- I think its finally time to check it out. [laughing hardly]

Church Lady: Well, what a fun trip you’re looking forward to. I rarely say this in encouraging way, but see you in hell!

Ted Cruz: Ha-ha, thank you Church Lady. [Stands and walks out laughing]

Church Lady: Alright, very good. Little bit. Just a little bit. Alright, our final guest today is the presumptive republican divorcee– I mean nominee, please welcome the tangerine tornado, Donald J. Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Terrific. Alright there, hi Donny. have a seat. Look at you.

Donald Trump: Hey Church Lady. It’s great to be here. Your place looks tremendous. Believe me, this is one classy fun house.

Church Lady: Actually, this is what we call a church. Something tells me that you’re not a big church goer.

Donald Trump: Oh, I’m a big church guy. I’m there all the time. Sometimes I go even when it’s not church day.

Church Lady: Wow, what a well put statement. Does Donny ever take a gander at the holy scripture?

Donald Trump: Honestly, I love all the books in the bible. I do. They’re all terrific. Corinthians part two. Book of revelations. Two geneses too furious, which says and I quote, “Love thy neighbor as thyself and like a good neighbor stay far as there.” And, “always keep the sabbath huge.” That’s Moses. Oh, and part where Jon Snow comes back to life, that’s great bible.

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special? Donny, there are those who say you’re not qualified and that’s not true. You know, I remember a Celebrity apprentice episode where Gary Busey didn’t sell enough pancakes and you just said, “You’re fired.” And I thought right then and there, “Give this man the nuclear codes.”

Donald Trump: A lot of people are saying that.

Church Lady: Um-hmm. Speaking of God’s commandments or not, I understand your family is here.

Donald Trump: Oh yeah, that’s right. Get in here guys.

[three women enter]

This is my wife Melania.

Melania: Hello, it’s so wonderful to be here.

Donald Trump: My lovely daughter, Ivanka.

Ivanka: Sort of great to be here as well.

Church Lady: And who’s the third woman down there?

Donald Trump: That’s just another model. I mean she’s great energy to have around.

Church Lady: I’m sure.

Kate: [in Russian accent] Let’s have fun.

Church Lady: It likes all kinds of flash, doesn’t it? Tell me Donald, have you figured out who your vice presidents are gonna be? Somebody who shares your temperament and values? Someone like, oh I don’t know, could it be… Satan?

[Ted Cruz comes in. Now he has horns and fangs. He is there with his minion.]

Ted Cruz: [in demonic voice] I have recurred.

Church Lady: Ted is a demon. My god!

Ted Cruz: I am no longer Ted Cruz. I am Bermagulas, lord of shadows. [laughing]

Donald Trump: You sure you aren’t lord of the weak chins?

[Ted Cruz is angry and looking at Donald Trump]

Ted Cruz: Stop it Donald.

Donald Trump: You’re the first guy who got possessed and looks better.

Ted Cruz: You’re such a jerk, Donald! I’m going back to hell. They’re nicer there.

[Ted Cruz leaves]

Church Lady: Well, that was an eventful Church Chat. Thanks for letting us chatted up with you and right now all I gotta say is…

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Church Lady and Ted Cruz: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[The End]

Brie Larson Monologue

Brie Larson

Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Brie Larson.

[Brie Larson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Brie Larson: Thank you. Thank you so very much. Hey everybody, it is so wonderful to be here. As I hope you all know tomorrow is Mother’s Day. So it’s fitting that I’m hosting tonight because I played a very strong mother in a movie every kid should watch with their mom on Mother’s Day called ‘Room’. Don’t do that. The movie is pretty intense. 10 minutes, and my own mom went to go get popcorn and just never came back. Speaking of my mom, she’s here tonight. [Cut to Brie’s mom in the audience] Happy Mother’s Day, mom. Are you excited for the show?

Brie’s Mom: Yeah, I love Alicia Keys.

[Cut to Brie Larson]

Brie Larson: Okay, cool.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hey Brie, sorry to interrupt. I forgot it was Mother’s Day tomorrow. Do you mind if I do special message for my mom?

Brie Larson: Oh, yeah. Of course Beck, yes.

Beck: Thanks. [looking at the camera and putting his arm around Brie’s shoulder] Hey mom, so this is the girl I’ve been telling you about. See? I told you she’s real. And a girl.

Brie Larson: [removing Beck’s hand from her shoulder] Maybe not that.

Beck: Oh right, sure. And, um, happy Mother’s Day. I love you.

Brie Larson: We’re not dating Beck.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Good looks and a sense of humor. You look out there babe, I’ll be waiting in the dressing room. [whispering] Ask here where, oh!

[Beck leaves]

Brie Larson: For the record, miss Bennett, I am not dating your son. But since it’s Mother’s Day, if anyone else has a message for their mom, come on up.

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: Oh, I do Brie. Is that okay?

Brie Larson: Sure. Go ahead, Bobby.

Bobby: Hey mom, do me a favor. Get the remote, go in my room and record all seasons of Vanderpump Rules. Thanks mom. Happy Mother’s Day. I love you.

Brie Larson: You live with your mom?

Bobby: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I pay rent.

[Bobby walks out and Pete walks in]

Pete: Hey Brie, um, my mom’s watching tonight. So do you mind if I said something?

Brie Larson: Um, Pete, we’re kind of running low on time now.

[Pete’s mom walks in]

Pete: Oh, okay. Okay mom, Brie Larson said she doesn’t have time for you.

Brie Larson: Oh-okay. Okay, Pete. I didn’t know that your mom was right there. Of course, hi, happy Mother’s Day. Say something.

Pete: Oh. Happy Mother’s Day, mom. I love you.

Brie Larson: It’s so sweet that you brought you mom tonight.

Pete: She comes, um, every show.

[Pete and his mom walks out]

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Hey Brie, can I bring my mom up here?

Brie Larson: Of course.

Kate: Come on, ma.

[Kate’s mom walks in]

Kate: Brie, loved you in the movie ‘Short Term 12. She just wanted to meet you.

Kate’s mom: Well, who doesn’t like a good Brie?

Kate: She wrote that.

Brie Larson: Ha-ha, yeah. [Kate and her mom leave] Oh, it’s my turn. Mom, can you please come up here?

[Brie’s mom walks in]

You’ve been so supportive to me over the years. Endless words of encouragement. And as a token of my appreciation, I got you a front row seat to the hottest show in New York.

Brie’s mom: Hamilton?

Brie Larson: No mom, no. This show. And we’ve got a great one. Alicia Keys is here. So stick around. We will be right back.

Baby Shower

Claire… Leslie Jones

Heather… Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Brie Larson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a group of moms having a baby shower]

All: Open it. Open it.

Brie: Aw, burp cloths with little duckies on them. Thank you so much for throwing me this baby shower, girls. I feel so welcome to the neighborhood.

Sasheer: Of course. So, when are you becoming a mom?

Brie: My due date is July 14.

Sasheer: Oh, no. That’s when you’re having a child. But when are you becoming a true mother? You know. When are you… [sowing her hair]

Brie: When am I what?

Heahter: She wants to know when you’re getting the cut, sweetie. [feeling her hair]

Brie: The cut?

All: Yes, the cut.

[Everyone except Brie has the same short haircut.]

Cecily: You know, the haircut that all moms have. Soft waterfall in the front but knives in the back.

Vanessa: The one that looks like your’e going to a formal event but on the way, you were stuck by lightning.

Claire: The scared dinosaur from Jurassic Park.

Brie: I don’t think that look is for me.

Sasheer: That’s what we all thought. But then one day something will break inside of you and you’ll know it’s time to get the cut.

Brie: Well, what was it for you?

Sasheer: Well, I was getting ready to leave a wedding and then all of a sudden, I thought, “I need to take this centerpiece.” I can no longer leave a wedding without taking a centerpiece.

Brie: Was it the end of the reception?

Brie: No. I left early because I don’t like music but dammit, I took that centerpiece and then I knew, it was time for the cut.

Aidy: You know, but the cut finds you in different ways. Now for me, it was much more abrupt. I completely blacked out and I came to in the parking lot of Marshall’s Home Goods. And in my hands was a rustic sign that just said the single word, “Home.” Next day, I got the cut.

Cecily: You know now, for me it was when I bought a big glass urn. Huge. Takes up entire kitchen isle. And what did I put in it? One candle.

Brie: And when do you light it?

All: Never!

Brie: So you’re telling me there’s gonna be some sort of magical moment and suddenly I’m gonna want a haircut that’s curtains in the front, iron throne in the back?

Vanessa: No one wants the cut. The cut chooses you. For me, it happened when I stepped into my bathroom. I closed my eyes and heard the ocean. In that moment, I knew my bathroom must be an ocean. I need light houses. I need sea shells. I need soap in the shape of the flipflop.

Brie: Why do you need soap in the shape of a flipflop?

[everybody laughing]

Heahter: Silly girl, she seeks clarity only the cut can provide. But soon you will know many things. Like, bathrooms are oceans. But the kitchen is afar.

Sasheer: Yeah. A kitchen is watering cans, picket fences, a pig in a chef’s hat.

Claire: The cut is more powerful than you can ever imagine. My doctor told me I couldn’t get pregnant unless I have sex with my husband, which I never have, and never will. Instead, I just got the cut and I looked down and boom! I was 7 months pregnant.

Brie: [Folding a bag] There is no way that that could have happened.
Cecily: Really? Then ask yourself a question. Why are you folding that bag so carefully?

Brie: So I can save it for later because it’s just such a nice bag.

Sasheer: We know. We give them to each other. I got that bag from Claire.

Claire: And I got that bag from Heather.

Heahter: And I got it from Barbara. There are only seven bags in this entire county because of women like us. Women with good taste and foresight to save.

[Jon walks in]

Jon: Hey, mom.

Aidy: Hi, sweetie.

Jon: Sorry to interrupt. I’m just gonna grab something to eat.

Brie: I’ll fix you a plate.

Jon: It’s alright. I’ll get it myself. Thanks though.

[Brie is shocked]

Brie: Fix you a plate? He’s not even my son. Yet, I didn’t trust him to put things on a plate and microwave it. I had to do it for him.

Heahter: The catch is upon us.

Brie: No. No, I will never be like you. I will never have a chunky highlight.

Aidy: What’s in motion cannot be undone. Soon you will have the cut. And all of your tank tops will sprout cap sleeves.

Cecily: Your quotes will be inspirational and your magnets, hilarious.

Sasheer: You will go to the beach but only shop…

All: The cat, the cat, the cat.

Sasheer: Welcome sister.

[Brie screaming. Now she has the short haircut too.]

Brie: Oh, my god! [feeling her shot hair] I love this. I love it. And you know what this room needs? A big bowl of fake fruits.

All: Oh, yeah.

Female voice: Happy Mother’s Day from SNL.

[The End]

Weekend Update Sam and Gilly

Colin Jost

Samwell Tarly… Bobby Moynihan

Gilly… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With it’s sexy characters and steamy plot lines, Game of Thrones is the hottest show on the TV right now. Here to talk about it is the hottest couple in Westoros, Samwell Tarly and the wilgling Gilly.

[Samwell Tarly and Gilly slide in]

Gilly: Thank you but no pictures please.

Samwell Tarly: Thank you.

Gilly: Thank you.

Samwell Tarly: Thank you.

Gilly: Thank you.

Samwell Tarly: Thank you.

Gilly: Thank you.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You guys are the show’s hottest couple?

Gilly: Yeah!

Colin Jost: Okay, what about Jon Snow and Egret?

Gilly: She’s dead.

Samwell Tarly: Dead, yeah.

Colin Jost: Okay, well what about Rob Stark?

Samwell Tarly: Dead.

Gilly: Dead.

Samwell Tarly: Also dead.

Colin Jost: Okay, what about Cersei and Jaime?

Gilly: Incest.

Samwell Tarly: Yeah, doesn’t count.

Gilly: Doesn’t count. Sorry.

Colin Jost: Okay. So, being the only couple makes you the hottest couple?

[Cut to Samwell Tarly and Gilly]

Samwell Tarly: Yeah. And it’s not easy being frost into the spotlight.

Gilly: Yeah, you know, everyone is looking at me now wondering what kind of rags would I be wearing, what will I be complaining about, how sick will my baby be. It’s like, live your own life!

Samwell Tarly: Yeah, you know? And the paparazzi won’t leave us alone. I mean, look at this who wore it better spread.

Gilly: And you know, it just turns my stomach to think about all these young boys dreaming about my stringy hair and my bulging eyes, you know, sneaking up stairs to have it go at themselves.

[Cut to Samwell Tarly, Gilly and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, no, no. I really– I don’t think boys are doing that.

Samwell Tarly: They are. No, they are. To her and me.

Gilly: Yeah, yeah.

[Cut to Samwell Tarly and Gilly]

Let’s just say people look at us and the winter is not the only thing that’s coming.

[Cut to Samwell Tarly, Gilly and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh! Wow! Oh, Wow! Don’t applaud that. Don’t applaud that!

Samwell Tarly: No, they should.

Colin Jost: I have to say I don’t think anyone would call you two traditionally sexy.

[Cut to Samwell Tarly and Gilly]

Samwell Tarly: Oh, I don’t know. I mean, I’ve been mistaken for Jon Snow from very, very far away. And also, I’ve been mistaken for a large pile of crows, and the entrance to a cave.

Gilly: You know, but underneath this sex appeal, we’re just a regular couple.

Samwell Tarly: Yeah, I mean we live at the wall. It’s not the greatest neighborhood but I mean, it’s an elevator building.

Gilly: You see, we’re normal people. We met in the normal way. My ex tried to sacrifice my baby to a ghost but Sam went to the killing stump and saved him.

Samwell Tarly: Oh, boy.

Gilly: Oh, he hates when I talk about my ex.

Samwell Tarly: Yeah, because your ex is your father.

Colin Jost: Okay. Yeah!

[Cut to Samwell Tarly, Gilly and Colin Jost]

You know, at least you guys seem like a happy couple. You know, what’s a typical night like?

[Cut to Samwell Tarly and Gilly]

Gilly: Oh, yeah. We just hang around the house in each other’s arms. Like this.

[They start acting. They are sitting close and are scared.]

My baby!

Samwell Tarly: Shh!

Gilly: My baby!

Samwell Tarly: Quiet Gilly, they’ll hear you.

Gilly: Sam, my baby.

[they stop acting]

[Cut to Colin Jost, Samwell Tarly and Gilly]

Colin Jost: Very, very sweet.

Gilly: Thank you.

Colin Jost: And now, what’s next for you guys?

Samwell Tarly: Oh, I’m glad you asked.

Gilly: Yeah, that’s a great question. Yeah.

Samwell Tarly and Gilly: Death!

Colin Jost: Okay. Great! Sam and Gilly everyone!

Weekend Update Ruth Bader Ginsberg

Colin Jost

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Supreme Court hearing on marriage equality, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg received a lot of media attention for her pointed comments. Here to explain is Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg slides in]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Woo-woo-woo! The Ruth- the Ruth- the Ruth is on fire.

Colin Jost: Alright. Justice coming in hot.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yeah. You better believe it, Colin. Yeah! [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] I’m ready to rumble, Mayweather-Pacquiao style. I float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. I clean myself like a fly.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Justice, Justice Ginsburg, let’s focus. Now, were you swayed by any of the arguments you heard on Tuesday?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Oh, they were useless. Useless! [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] Next time, I’m just gonna put a crumpled up black cocktail napkin in my place. Not gonna know what I’ve got. The arguments I heard, they were so weak. I just hope they’re not holding up Justice Scalia’s chair. Well, that’s a Gins-burn!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing]

Colin Jost: Justice Ginsburg!

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: What? What? Come on! I’m like a weird mole. I’m tiny but I could be dangerous.

Colin Jost: It’s a great point. Now getting back on track, the issue is really whether marriage equality should be up to state or federal governments. You know? You have states like Kentucky that want to keep their marriage bans.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Ah! Yeah! [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] Kentucky, yeah. Real 21st century state. I could call out that their most famous citizen is a friend chicken sales man who looks like he should be sipping iced tea at a slave auction. But I’m not gonna go there. And by there, I mean Kentucky! That’s a Gins-burn.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing]

Colin Jost: Justice Ginsburg, Supreme Court Justice Ginsburg!

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: What?

Colin Jost: You know, I have to say. You sound pretty confident you’re gonna win this case.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Oh, well, yeah I’m gonna win. I already won today. I was the jockey writing American farewell.

Colin Jost: Well, you’re a jockey too?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yeah. Down at the Derby, they call me Seembiscuit, coz all the fellows wanted to seem my biscuit.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You’re not gonna dance?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: I only dance when I’m joking, Colin. Well, well, if you really want, I’ll dance.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing]

Colin Jost: So, Justice, should we be expecting a final decision from you guys?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Oh, yeah. It couldn’t happen soon enough. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] I gotta push same sex marriage through before god remembers I’m still alive. The grim reaper, he came for me once, but I punched him and stole his robe.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And what’s next in this case? Is it the written briefs?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Well, written briefs. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] You know what’s written on my briefs? “Baby gap”. Nobody’s safe from the fire, not even me. I just got Gins-burned!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Ruth Bader Ginsburg, everybody!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal

Michael Che

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Shaquille O’Neal… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Tyler’s not real. The first round of the NBA playoffs is now over with the LA Clippers beating the San Antonio Spurs. Here to give their takes are two greats from inside NBA, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal.

[Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Charles Barkley: Alright! Hey, how y’all doing?

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq in the house!

Michael Che: Now, before we start congratulations, Shaq, you just got your own show called, and this is not a joke, “Shaqtin’ a Fool”.

[Cut to Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Shaquille O’Neal: That’s right. Shaq will be on TV. First time ever.

Charles Barkley: What? Shaq, you’re on TV right now. Oh, man! Shaq’s brain has gotten smaller because it needs to make more room for food. He’s up to here with potatoes.

Shaquille O’Neal: Oh, you just grumping.

Charles Barkley: I know. I bet a lot of money on Manny Pacquiao.

[Cut to Michael Che, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Well, that’s not a bad bet.

Charles Barkley: Yeah, but I bet on him to win Kentucky Derby. They said he was fast.

Michael Che: Alright, let’s just talk about the playoff. LeBron James and the Cavaliers are the favorites in the east, but they just lost Kevin Love who got his arm literally torn out of the socket on the court. I mean, it’s scary out there.

[Cut to Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq’s never scared. Like Ray Parker Jr. I ain’t afraid of no goat.

Charles Barkley: Goat? It’s ghosts!

Shaquille O’Neal: Where? Where? Where the ghosts at?

Charles Barkley: The point is– no there’s no ghost over there. There’s a point here– And it is that the NBA is way less violent than it was 20 years ago. Man, when I was on the court, I got hit all the time. And once off the court, when I was dating Rosie, she gave me something called a Puerto Rican hicky.

[Cut to Michael Che, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: What’s a Puerto Rican hicky?

Charles Barkley: It’s when a girl that you’re seeing runs up to you and punches you in the neck.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq loves necks. Necks are good. Necks hold up your head.

[Cut to Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Charles Barkley: Oh, dammit, Shaq. I gave you power of attorney. If I die, you get my kids.

Michael Che: Oh, no!

Charles Barkley: Michael!

Michael Che: Yeah!

Charles Barkley: These players today are so soft man. Have you seen the way they dress? Russell Westbrook with those crazy paddle shirts looks like magic eye poster. If you stare long enough, you’ll see a sail boat.

Shaquille O’Neal: I see it right away.

Charles Barkley: Yeah, I know. You see it. Of course you do. Your eyes are trying to french kiss each other. If these people wanna know how to dress, they should talk to me.

Shaquille O’Neal: Why you? You look like somebody put a jacket on a Cadbury.

[Shaquille O’Neal leans towards the table]

Charles Barkley: Oh, my god! He formed a full sentence and now he’s tipping over. Good lord. Somebody get the man.

[Cut to Michael Che, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Maybe we should go. Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. there’s a picture of Obama being interviewed by an elementary school student at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An elementary school student who is interviewing President Obama cut the president off while he was giving his answer saying, “I think you’ve sort of covered everything about that question” followed by, “You mumbling Kenyan.” It’s a rough class.

[Picture changes to Shinzo Abe]

In the first address ever by Japanese leader of congress, Prime Minister Shinzo Abe offered condolences for Americans killed during World War II. Abe then asked, “So, you guys have anything from World War II that you wanna apologize for?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of

Colin Jost: It was reported that students in school district in Tennessee were served meat that were six years old, which raises the question, “Where is Tyler?”

[Cut to Michael Che laughing]

Michael Che: Tyler’s not real.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Prince William and Kate at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was announced this morning that Prince William and Kate gave birth to a baby girl weighing 8 pounds, three ounces. So she’s only a day old and all anybody can talk about is her weight?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Abercrombie & Fitch plaque at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Abercrombie & Fitch has announced plans to no longer hire employees based on attractiveness, which should make the first new guy they hire feel great!

[Picture changes to Bruce Jenner]

In an interview with Diane Sawyer last week, Bruce Jenner revealed that he self identifies as a woman. It was a moving and brave interview. And obviously this is a delicate subject to talk about. But as a comedy show, we still need to make jokes about it. So here we go. You know, the thing with Bruce Jenner is– and like I said, he’s brave and um… and um… Michael, you wanna jump in here?

Michael Che: Nope!

Colin Jost: Okay. You know, there’s one thing… You know, actually Michael and I were talking back stage…

Michael Che: No man, that was just you.

Colin Jost: Okay, well, here’s the thing. I just feel like any way you slice it…

Michael Che: No, do not say slice.

Colin Jost: Okay, ya, you know what? I think it’s maybe better even just to–

Michael Che: Move on!

Colin Jost: — move on! Yeah. Back to you, Michael.

Michael Che: Thank you.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Slavery Museum at right top corner.]

Let’s get to something less chilling. The first museum in America dedicated entirely to slavery has opened on a form of sugar plantation Louisiana. Said one museum employee, “Help! This ain’t no damn museum!”

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: Good evening everyone.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Police Officer badge on right top corner.]

The State’s Attorney in Baltimore announced Friday that charges would be filed against six police officers in the death of Freddy Grey. It’s a vital and important first step on a path of those officers probably being acquitted.

State of emergency was declared in Baltimore after protest turned into violent rioting but no reported deaths. Meaning, the riots were still far less dangerous than the back seat of a Baltimore police van.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ray Lewis at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former Raven’s linebacker Ray Lewis spoke out against the violence in Baltimore saying, “Violence is not the answer.” Unless of course the question is, “What made Ray Lewis super rich?”

Due to the riot in Baltimore, Wednesday’s Orioles game against the White Sox was close to the public and had zero fans in attendance. Which was probably a good idea since Wednesday was Cal Ripken molotov cocktail day.

[Picture changes to Supreme Court]

During the Supreme Court hearing on the constitutionality of gay marriage, Justice Samuel Alito asked if homosexuals were allowed to marry, what will happen if a group of two men and two women try to apply for marriage license? Well, Sam, I am no legal expert but they’ll probably tell them no, because that’s polygamy and it’s illegal. And also not at all the same thing. So, let’s take to the case at hand and not try to turn this whole thing in some kind of gay word problem. Coz if the gay marriage train Massachusetts at 3 pm, and the traditional marriage train leaves Tennessee at at 6 pm, it doesn’t matter because look around you, everyone’s already on board the gay train.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Apple logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Apple reported earnings of over $194 billion this quarter after the company sold more than 61 million iPhones. And not to be undone, Samsung is also a company.