Tag: episode 7

Close Encounter

Aidy Bryant

Bobby Moynihan

Sharon… Cecily Strong

Ms. Raperdy… Kate McKinnon

Tod… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with NSAs interrogating three citizens]

Aidy: I am agent Loris with the NSA and this is special agent Kerpatrick.  Now we know, you’ve all been through quite an ordeal. So, we appreciate you making a trip to Washington on such short notice.

Bobby: Yes. You three experienced the first verified case of alien abduction. So, naturally you are great interest of United States government.

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod]

Sharon: It’s nuts, man! I mean, we’re just small town buds who saw a UFO in the woods. I mean, we never hand out with the government.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: Okay, now, after the blue light pulled you into the space craft, what is your next memory?

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod]

Sharon: I came to and saw a beautiful being made of like a beautiful calming light.

Tod: Yea, same here. That being touched my head and I felt every emotion in it’s purest form. It was amazing. I cried, sir.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: Okay. And you, Ms. Raperdy?

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod. Ms. Raperdy is smoking a cigarette.]

Ms. Raperdy: Wow, what floor were you guys on? I woke up in a dirty middle dome and 40 little gray aliens watch me pee in a steel bowl. And they took the bowl and walked out.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: Interesting. Were these beings also bathed in light?

[Cut to Ms. Raperdy]

Ms. Raperdy: No. They were grey with big fat eyes, little mouths. They just stared while I peed. I don’t think I was dealing with the top brass.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Aidy: And how did they instruct you to urinate? Was that telepathically?

[Cut to Ms. Raperdy]

Ms. Raperdy: Um, no. I woke up, I had to pee like a camel. So, I started peeing and one of the grey aliens slapped the wall and pointed at the bowl. So I got the hint. I kind of duck-walked over the bowl, peed in it.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: Yes, I see. Now, when you all awoke, were you clothed?

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod]

Sharon: I was wrapped in like, a robe, man. Warm, glowing energy.

Tod: Yeah, like a blanket made out of pure love.

Ms. Raperdy: Yeah, it worked different for me. Um, I had the shirt I came in with but my pants were gone. So, my cuckoo was out. It’s full porky pig in a drafty dome.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: Now, did you all stay on the same ship the entire time? Or…?

[Cut to Sharon and Tod]

Tod: Well, you know, my body did but my consciousness was shown what lies beyond time and space. [sobbing] It was so beautiful. I’m sorry, I’m just crying about this thing a little bit.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Aidy: Okay. Do you need a tissue?

[Cut to Sharon and Tod]

Tod: What? No. Sorry, I’ll use my shirt.

Sharon: Um, the aliens showed my mind the furness of all creation that we would call god.

[Cut to Ms. Raperdy looking at Sharon and Tod]

Ms. Raperdy: What? These fancy cats are seeing god. Meanwhile, I’m starting phase two which is me sitting on a stool while 40 grey aliens take turns gently batting my knockers. Did y’all get the knocker stuff?

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod]

Sharon: No.

Tod: No.

Sharon: No knocker stuff. Sorry.

[Cut to Aidy an Bobby]
Aidy: And, did you feel threatened, Ms. Raperdy?

[Cut to Ms. Raperdy]

Ms. Raperdy: No, no, no, no, no. They were real respectful about it. They were in a line and then one by one, they’d step up, slap a knocker, and then go to the end of line and wait for another turn. It didn’t hurt. It was like, I’m sorry, pardon me Sharon. [Cut to Sharon and Ms. Raperdy. Ms. Raperdy starting patting Sharon’s breasts.] It was like that. No harm, no foul.

Sharon: It huts a little. It hurts.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Aidy: Perhaps they were collecting biological data?

[Cut to Ms. Raperdy]

Ms. Raperdy: No. No. It felt super off the books. I swear to god, there was one grey alien by a door just kind of peeking in and out. I think he was the look-out. Look, it’s one of my worst Wednesday night.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: And how did the aliens returned you all to earth?

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod. Tod is laughing hard covering his mouth.]

Sharon: Oh, I was carried down gently. [Sharon looks at] He’s crying. I was carried down gently in a cradle of light placed into a soft bed of wallflowers.

Tod: Yeah. Yeah. The light layed me down like a baby in a meadow near my house. I was smiling and weeping tears of joy, sir.

Ms. Raperdy: Alright, now this miss me a little bit. Coz, my grand exit was out of what was basically like a big airplane toilet, okay? I dropped down seven feet on the roof of a long John Silvers. They threw out my pants separately. They missed the roof. My slacks landed on a freaking pine tree, 30 feet away. So, I had to just chill up there with my damn cuckoo hanging till the place open up.

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod. Tod is laughing hard covering his mouth.]

Sharon: Man!

Tod: Man, you got screwed.

Ms. Raperdy: Oh, you think Tod?

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Aidy: Well, we’d like to take you guys for physical examinations now.

[Cut to everybody]

Ms. Raperdy: Yeah, alright. There’s gonna be a knocker stuff?

Aidy: Possibly. I’m sorry.

Ms. Raperdy: Na-na. Don’t be. Just be gentle. Tell me about god. What’s god deal?

[The End]

Birthday Party

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Tayler… Venessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Meloni… Aidy Bryant

Dad… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with girls having a birthday party]

Cecily: Taylor, this is the best birthday party ever.

Kate: The only way it could be better was if Justin Bieber was performing.

Tayler: My dad actually emailed his people to see if he would, they just wrote back, “No.”

Sasheer: I mean, it’s nice that they responded.

Meloni: Yeah, they’re so nice.

[Dad walks in]

Dad: [mimicking siren sound] Party police. You girls are under arrest for having too much fun.

Tayler: Dad! That’s so lame. Go away.

Dad: No can do, birthday girl. You may be getting older but you’re still my little muffin.

Tayler: Ew, dad! I’m not a muffin.

Dad: Oh, yeah? Then why are you so darn sweet? Alright, you girls have fun. I’ll be right back in giffy pop.

Tayler: Oh, my dad is so embarrassing.

Cecily: Yeah.

Kate: What a jorke!

Sasheer: So bad.

[Cut to Tayler and Meloni]

Meloni: What the fat hell are you talking about? Because that is a full blown beef meat.

Tayler: Ew, Mon, my dad is so old. He was born in like, 1990.

Meloni: Okay. My dad was born in 1936. He sleeps in a medical bed in our living room. So compared to your dad, my dad looks like a stack of hay with eyes.

[Cut to everybody. Dad walks in with a present in his hand.]

Dad: Your dad is back, alright! Back street boys!

Meloni: Oh, hot ham. The hunk is back.

Dad: So, honey, what’s it feel like to finally be a teenager?

[Meloni walks near Dad]

Meloni: Um, I can actually answer that because I’m 13 and half. I’m so old now that my mom lets me shower all by myself. Yeah, coz now she trusts me to wash everywhere but between me and you, most time I just get in there, pee and then get right out. I guess you could say I’m a dirty girl.

[The other girls are looking at her]

Sasheer: You are dirty, Meloni.

Cecily: Our whole class got ringworm coz of you.

Tayler: They had to throw out your desk.

Meloni: Wow, I guess everyone knows how dirty I am. Do you like that, Mr. Doham?

Dad: Actually, no, I do not like that. That’s disgusting. Okay? Do I need to call your mother?

Meloni: No! Please. My mom’s a bitch! She won’t even let me get a new fish just coz I keep killing so many fish. It’s like, what the freak? They don’t even know what’s happening when it’s over.

Dad: Alright, fine, but you need to watch your boundaries. Okay?

Meloni: Oh, yes, Mr. Doham. I promise. I will watch all the boundaries.

[Meloni sits beside Tayler]

Hey, Taylor, look what’s wrapped around my finger. It’s your dad!

Dad: Yeah, I can hear you.

Cecily: Taylor, let’s see your presents.

Meloni: Why don’t you open mine first, Taylor? I think you’re really gonna like it.

[Tayler opens the present]

Tayler: It’s just a single pair of grey men’s underwear.

Meloni: Oh, oops! I guess I got a present for you dad instead. Do you like these, Mr. Doham?

Dad: No, Meloni. No, I don’t. And legally, I can’t accept them. Okay? Why don’t we have some cake, ladies?

Girls: Yes. Cake! Cake! Cake!

Meloni: I honestly love to eat cake.

[Dad brings in the cake]

Dad: Oopsie daisey, I got a little cream here on my finger.

Meloni: Oh. That’s okay, I can take care of that Mr. Doham.

[Meloni hold’s Dad’s finger and tries to suck the cream out of his hand.]

Dad: Morgan! Stop it.

Meloni: No, please.

Dad: Morgan! Morgan!

[Meloni sucks the cake out of Dad’s finger.]

I’m calling your mom

Meloni: What? Why?

Dad: Because you’re a child and you just sucked the hell out of my adult finger.

Meloni: but my mom’s a bitch. She still makes me sit in a car seat and it faces backwards. So, I never know where we’re going. I get so car sick, I have to suck on my own foot to calm down. Do you like that?

Dad: No. I hate that. Okay? I hate it. Now behave or I’m sending you home.

Meloni: Okay, Mr. Doham. I promise. I’ll be good and everything.

[Meloni sits beside Tayler]

Oh, hey Taylor. Is it still Halloween? Coz you’re dad just got tricked and I got a treat.

Dad: Meloni, I can still hear you, okay? And this is Taylor’s day. Taylor, honey, I just wanna say something. Now, we made so many special memories ofyour last 13 years. When I first taught you how to swim.

Meloni: Oh! Yeah, freaking wet!

Dad: Those nights we spent curled up in bed reading.

Meloni: What? Same bed? So jealous.

Dad: You know, you’ve always been my little girl and that’s why I have your name tattoo right above my heart.

[Dad unbuttons his shirt]

Tayler: Ew, dad, don’t show it.

Meloni: Oh, show it! Show it! Show it! Nipple!

[Meloni runs around the room and falls over the cake]

Dad: Alright Meloni! Now, I’m calling your mom. You just destroyed my house and you’re covered in cake.

Meloni: Oh, do you like that?

[The End]

Weekend Update Charles Manson

Colin Jost

Charles Manson… Taran Killam

Star Burton… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Imprisoned cult leader Charles Manson has reportedly found love and will soon be wed to his 26 year old girlfriend. Here to profess their love are Charles Manson and his bride to be, Star Burton.

[Charles Manson and Star Burton slide in]

Star Burton: Thanks for giving us a chance to tell our story, Colin.

Charles Manson: I can see you up there, man! I can see you. Jesus Christ wears a mask but you’re naked little mouse.

Star Burton: Charlie, what did I say?

[Cut to Charles Manson and Star Burton]

Charles Manson: Use your inside voice.

Star Burton: And?

Charles Manson: Don’t try to melt people’s face off with my mind. I know. I’m sorry. I’m just so excited, Colin. I mean, I love this woman. I’m over the moon and love and I just want to kill the world about it.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Charles Manson and Star Burton[

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

Charles Manson: Tell the world. Tell the world about it.

Colin Jost: Star, when did you first realize you had feelings for Mr. Manson?

[Cut to Charles Manson and Star Burton]

Star Burton: Um, it didn’t take long. That manly beard, his winning smile, the way his empty black eyes dart around like hagfish in a bucket.

Charles Manson: Aw!

[Cut to Colin Jost, Charles Manson and Star Burton]

Colin Jost: Don’t. Don’t. I have to say, Star. A lot of people are disturbed that you could fall in love with such a notorious criminal.

[Cut to Charles Manson and Star Burton]

Star Burton: Ouf! Notorious criminal? Charlie is a victim. I mean, whoever heard of getting a life sentence for income tax evasion.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Charles Manson and Star Burton]

[Charles Manson is silent]

Colin Jost: Wait, did he tell you he was–

Charles Manson: [interrupting making noises] [whispers to Colin Jost] Don’t blow this for me, man!

[Cut to Charles Manson and Star Burton]

Star Burton: People just don’t understand what we have together. Charlie and I are soulmates. We finish each other’s sentences–

Charles Manson: [trying to finish Star Burton’s sentence] Spider penis.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Charles Manson and Star Burton]

Colin Jost: Doesn’t seem like you were on a same page there.

Star Burton: Are you kidding? [Cut to Charles Manson and Star Burton] He is the ying to my–

Charles Manson: [trying to finish Star Burton’s sentence] Something flash.

Star Burton: We are just– We’re like peanut butter and–

Charles Manson: [trying to finish Star Burton’s sentence] Chaos. Look, Colin. We don’t expect you’d understand. What we’re trying to say is, love is crazy.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Charles Manson and Star Burton]

And nobody understands crazy better than me. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Charles Manson kisses Star Burton]

Colin Jost: Charles Manson and Star Burton, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Angela Merkel on the G20 Summit

Colin Jost

Angela Markel… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: This year’s G-20 summit of world leaders came to an odd conclusion when Vladimir Putin stormed off while German chancellor Angela Markel warned that we maybe returning to a cold war. Here to comment is German chancellor, Angela Markel.

[Angela Markel slides in]

Angela Markel: Danke, Colin.

Colin Jost: Welcome, welcome.

Angela Markel: Danke. What shakes/

Colin Jost: Nothing much. How was the G-20 summit?

Angela Markel: Oh! G-20. [Cut to Angela Markel] More like, F-U. And Putin, oh! Putin is the worst, and a brat. But not a brat worst. Now, those I like.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]

Colin Jost: And now, did Putin ruin the summit by storming out?

Angela Markel: Oh! [Cut to Angela Markel] Putin’s exit was but a single lemonish snicket in a series of unfortunate events. It’s like the whole summit was like a disasterous international thanksgiving dinner. Italy brought it’s 20 year old girlfriend. France brought it’s wife and it’s 20 year old girlfriend. Saudi Arabia was being insane but the US ignored it kept being like, “Pass the oil, please.”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]

Whoof!

Colin Jost: I’m really sorry to hear that, Angela.

Angela Markel: Also, [Cut to Colin Jost] I was told at the summit that I have resting bitch face. But that cannot be true. In Germany, we don’t rest. We toil until we collapse.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]

Colin Jost: And now, did you get to talk to President Obama at all while you were there?

Angela Markel: Oh! My poor Barack. Talk about senioritous. [Cut to Angela Markel] She just smokes cigarettes and stare to the calendar of Angela Markel0Colin Jost7. America has turned their back to him. I’d turn my back to him, but in a fun way.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]

I bet his Keystone pipeline is XL.

Colin Jost: Angela!

Angela Markel: I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s just… it’s summits. They make you want to do crazy things.

Colin Jost: Like what?

[Cut to Angela Markel]

Angela Markel: Like, grow my hand down to my padded shoulders. Trade my nude bras in for cool beige bras. I want to show up at an old boyfriend’s rock show wearing a shirt that shows my stomach hole. That’s what you call a bellybutton. Bellybutton. So, German chancellor, don’t! So, German chancellor, don’t! So, German chancellor, don’t want none unless you’ve got schnöp son!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]

Colin Jost: Angela, I gotta say. I think you need to stay away from summits for a while.

Angela Markel: You’re right. You’re right. I might end up putting on red lip paint in German-kissing a stranger.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, what’s a German-kiss?

[Cut to Angela Markel]

Angela Markel: That’s when you cover the teeth and make the lips into a firm ‘O’. And you just sort of have like a labelled heeve. Whoo! Whoo!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Markel]

[Colin Jost and Angela Markel try the German-kiss]

Colin Jost: I can’t.

Angela Markel: I can’t.

Colin Jost: Angela Markel, everyone.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of tweeter logo and KKK at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, the hacking group anonymous broke into the tweeter feed of the Ku Klux Klan. The KKK responded to the breach by changing their password to WhitepowerColin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of bottles of liquors at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new government report concludes that 90% of people who drink excessively are not alcoholics and change their behavior easily. Which is exactly what an alcoholic would say.

[The picture changes to Franklin&bash]

TNT has canceled Franklin&bash after four seasons. So, I guess we’ll never get to find out which one was Rizzoli and which one was Isles.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a man and a woman kissing at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Scientists say that when people French kiss, they transfer over 80 million bacteria. This according to a recent study conducted on yo mama.

[Picture changes to a yellow bus]

The city Florida has budgeted $25,000 to purchase bus tickets for homeless people who wanna leave town. Said homeless people, “Uh! The bus?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of an old couple at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new report lists Madison, Wisconsin as the best city in the country for retirees to live. While the worst city for retirees is [picture changes to a sign board that says “Loud surprise! Arkansas.”] Loud Surprise Arkansas.

[The picture changes to a steak and Walmart logo.]

A family in Florida was sickened recently after buying steaks from Walmart that were allegedly laced with LSD. They described them as the best tasting steaks their ears had ever seen.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Lungwood Garden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The rest room at a Pennsylvania’s Longwood Gardens which is built into a wall of plants has been named America’s best restroom. It was also named America’s most disgusting garden.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: This is Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s is a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

President Obama on Thursday announced that he was bypassing congress and issuing executive actions that will prevent the deportation of nearly 5 million illegal immigrants. So, in six years, Obama has gone from ‘Yes We Can’ to ‘Yeah, I can.’ For much more on this immigration story, bring it up to your grandfather at thanksgiving.

[Picture changes to Steven Cohen]

During a hearing about the recent failures of the Secret Service, democrat Steven Cohen suggested securing the White House with a moat. Because nothing says, “You’re in tune with the people” like building a moat.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bill Cosby at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Hey, Bill Cosby! Pull your damn pants up! I’ve always wanted to say that. In the wake of allegations against Bill Costy, TV Land pulled all reruns of the Cosby show. And I don’t know how to feel about that because I don’t know Bill Cosby, but Cliff Huxtable practically raised me. I love that dude. And the only thing he ever tried to sneak when people were asleep was a Hogi. So, while I may never forgive Bill Cosby, hopefully someday I can forgive Dr. Huxtable. I mean, I know it’s not the same thing, but I forgave Craimwa.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a pipeline at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Democrats in the senate were able to stop a bill authorizing the controversial Keystone XL pipeline even though the project could have created thousands of good jobs cleaning off birds.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Missouri’s map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An anticipation of the grand jury decision in Ferguson, governor Jay Nixon has declared the state of emergency and deployed the national guard. So, spoiler alert, I guess we know what the verdict is. Deploying the national guard before the verdict is like your lawyer telling you to show up to court in something orange.

The fight

Crystal Patrick… Kyle Mooney

Andy Rydell… Beck Bennett

Mrs. Freeman… Cameron Diaz

[Starts with Crystal Patrick]

Crystal Patrick: YWhat’s up everybody? I’m Crystal Patrick. As you know, Andy Rydell’s been messing with me since the 9th grade. But now he’s about to enter an unsafe zone. Coz I’m gonna take matters in my own hands. And we’ll see if he can handle it. Coz it’s the hands of rocket’s cradle. I’m gonna fight him.

[Cut to I’m going to fight Andy Rydell intro]

Andy Rydell is 17. He wears name brand circus clothes. His younger brother Jordan is nicer and plays piano. Last year Andy told everyone to start calling me ‘Milkman’ and that I drank out of the same bown as my German Shepherd, Sammy. I want to open up my own restaurant where they actually have good-ass posters on the wall like 50’s gangsters.

[Cut to Crystal Patrick walking in the corridor]

What up, Andy? Let’s do this, bitch.

[Crystal Patrick reaches to Andy Rydell. Andy Rydell turns around.]

Andy Rydell: What the hell you talking about?

Crystal Patrick: So you talking crap, think you’re better than me. You’re not better than me. You’re just [looking at the camera] I love America, toy soldier, being controlled by the mainstream.

Andy Rydell: [bleep], huh?

Crystal Patrick: You heard me, let’s go.

Andy Rydell: Oh, you wanna go?

Crystal Patrick: Yeah, bitch!

Andy Rydell: Alright, come on let’s go then.

Crystal Patrick: I’m going right now.

Andy Rydell: I don’t see it, man.

Crystal Patrick: You ready?

Andy Rydell: Come on, bring it.

Crystal Patrick: You ready?

[The video pauses and Crystal Patrick is narrating]

Narration: What you can’t see here is how scared Andy was. He kept whispering: “Please don’t embarrass me in front of the entire school. I’m just a pawn of conformity and you listen to the best music.”

[Cut to the video. Crystal Patrick and Andy Rydell are punching in the air and not hitting each other at all.]

Crystal Patrick: Oh yeah!

Andy Rydell: Yeah, dude?

Crystal Patrick: You came to play, huh? You came to play!

[They start punching in the air again.]

You like that? Hey! I can’t breathe. Hang on. [bleep]

Andy Rydell: What the hell?

Crystal Patrick: Hang on! I can’t breathe.

Andy Rydell: What the hell you talking about? You can’t– you’re just scared dude.

Crystal Patrick: My heart problem.

Andy Rydell: You’re just scared, dude!

Crystal Patrick: I got heart problem.

Narration: My family has a history of heart problems. I don’t know that cuz of mommy and daddy though, I don’t even talk to them. I know that cuz my grandparents.

Crystal Patrick: Can’t breathe right now.

[Crystal Patrick suddenly jumps and tries to kick Andy Rydell]

[Crystal Patrick and Andy Rydell are wrestling on the floor.]

[Mrs. Freeman walks in]

Mrs. Freeman: Go back to class, right now. Everybody. Boys! In my office, right now.

[Cut to Crystal Patrick and Andy Rydell in Mrs. Freeman’s office. Andy Rydell is crying.]

Narration: Mrs. Freeman came down on us pretty hard. I felt bad for Andy here. He clearly has been brainwashed by corporate drones.

[Cut to Crystal Patrick and Andy Rydell hugging. They are crying.]

Crystal Patrick: We should do pill sometime together.

Andy Rydell: Yeah.

[school bell rings]

[Cut to Crystal Patrick smoking in the men’s room. There’s someone using the urinal.]

Crystal Patrick: There you have it. I kicked Andy Rydell’s ass and made him cry like a little bitch. [To the person using the urinal.] What are you looking at?

Poetry Class with Cameron Diaz

Mrs. Medez… Venessa Bayer

Pete Davidson

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Tamra Lake… Cameron Diaz

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with students and a substitute teacher in class]

Mrs. Medez: Hello everyone. I am your substitute teacher, Mrs. Medez, okay?

[Cut to Mrs. Medez]

School, huh? Let me ask you something. What do you think of when you think of writing poetry? Huh? Lame? Outdated? Studying? Well guess what? Poetry can be pretty cool. Oh! Okay, you know who some of my favorite poets are? I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of them. Taylor Swift, okay. Kanye West, I must say. Eminems, okay.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: It’s Eminem.

[Cut to Mrs. Medez]

Mrs. Medez: I love it, you’re listening. Okay. Now, the point is you can all be poets. Okay? So, your usual teacher asked you to write a poem about something you’re thankful for. And I wrote a thanksgiving poem myself. [Mrs. Medez slowly opens her note] Here it goes.

Turkey dinner, warm, pleasing, pungent
sour cranberry sauce,
sweet yams with sticky marshmallows
savory stuffing and spiced cider
notes of rosemary and cinnamon dance inside my nose
family and friends come together to share laughter,
and of course pumpkin pie

Oh! Okay, now. Who else has a poem about something they’re thankful for?

[Cut to the class]

Aidy: I do.

Mrs. Medez: Okay, great. Come on up.

[Cut to Aidy and Mrs. Medez]

Aidy: Okay. Um, I’m thankful for my stepdad Ron and my poem is called Ron rules.

Mrs. Medez: Great, okay.

Aidy: Ron is hilarious
he wears a t-shirt that looks like a tuxedo
Oh-oh! He fancy!
When we go to Burger King, he says, “I’ll have a whopper, medium, rare”
everybody laughs  and goes crazy
thanks Ron, for being dope

Mrs. Medez: Okay. That was wonderful.

[Cut to the class]

Thank you so much. Does anybody else has a poem?

Kenan: I can do one.

[Kenan walks to the front of the class]

Mrs. Medez: Oh, okay, great. Come on up. Okay.

[Cut to Kenan and Mrs. Medez]

Kenan: Ay, what’s up, y’all? Um, I’m thankful for the show F.R.I.E.N.D.S., so here we go.

Turn of TVs
Oh, snap! F.R.I.E.N.D.S. is on
Ross is a little bitch, but he made me laugh though
Chandler be telling jokes about when Monica was heavy
he don’t give a damn
Joey is a player
he always be asking girls how they doin
Rachael and Monica be hot as hell
but I’d take Phoebe coz she quirky
and I’m a freak

Mrs. Medez: Okay, okay. Thank you, so much. Wow. [Cut to the class] You know, [Cut to Mrs. Medez] I feel like I really know that show now. Okay, great. Okay, guys, I have a special treat, okay? I brought  friend of mine who performs regularly at Wind Catcher Wednesdays, the poetry I hosted at Calypso Coffee down in Franklin street. Okay? Now, please give your snaps to Tamra Lake.

[Tamra Lake walks in. He has dreadlocks.]

Tamra Lake: Hello. Hello.

Mrs. Medez: Now, I asked Tamra to share a poem about something that she’s thankful for. Okay?

Tamra Lake: And I did. This one is called UPS man.

Short sleeves, short shorts, leaves me short of breath
cinnamon skin and a mustache thick as sin
why must you go out when I only want you in
Mr. UPS man, 

[Cut to the students liking it]

[Cut back to Mrs. Medez and Tamra Lake]

each day, you bring goods to those who are waiting
but there is only one package, you’ve got me craving
and it is your’s
Mr. UPS man
Your truck has no doors, but I am open wide
so drive into my tunnel and explore inside
Mr. UPS man

Mrs. Medez: Oh! Okay. Okay. Oh! Okay. Okay.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Did that lady swallow a bicorn?

[Cut to Mrs. Medez]

Mrs. Medez: Um, you know what? Maybe we should stop our poetry unit for today, okay?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: No! No, no, no! This is awesome! Do one about the FedEx guy.

[Cut to Mrs. Medez and Tamra Lake]

Mrs. Medez: Okay, I think that’s all for today. Okay?

[Students chanting “FedEx, FedEx”]

Office Boss with Cameron Diaz

Mitchell… Kenan Thompson

Nancy, Mrs. Patterson… Cameron Diaz

Kendra… Sasheer Zamata

Richard, Mr. Patterson… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a clip of a big house]

Mitchell: Well, thank you so much for having me and my wife over, Mrs. Patterson.

[Cut to Mitchell, Nancy and Kendra at the dining hall]

Nancy: Of course. Anything for my husband’s new CFO.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Mitchell: Oh! Well, he hasn’t given me the promotion just yet.

Kendra: Oh, honey, he will. Where is Mr. Patterson anyway? I’m excited to meet him.

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: Well, he’s just finishing up some work upstairs. Now, Kendra, there’s three things that you should know about my husband. He’s the most brilliant man that I have ever met. His stories can be a little dry though. And he has the body of a baby.

[Cut to Mitchell, Nancy and Kendra]

Kendra: What’s the third one?

[Cut to Richard sitting on the stairs, moving around his legs.]

Richard: Oh, hi there. Hope everyone brought their appetites.

[Cut to everybody]

Nancy: There is the man at the hour.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Be down in just a sec.

[Richard slides down.]

Oopsie daisy! Mitchell, so glad you could finally come over for dinner. Those last quarter of numbers are definitely a cause for celebration.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Kendra: Honey, what am I looking at?

Mitchell: You’re looking at the man who’s gonna make me CFO.

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: Come join us at the table sweetheart.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Yes, ma’am.

[Richard stands up like a baby. He cannot balance on his feet properly.]

Boss man walking.

[He walks like a baby to the table]

Oh! Nancy brought out the good China. [Richard grabs the place in front of him] This was a gift from Warren Buffett.

[Richard starts shaking the plate here and there like a baby then bites the plate.]

[Cut to everybody. Richard passes the plate to Mitchell]

Mitchell: Oh! Thank you.

[Mitchell bites the plate too.]

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Uh, Mitchell, why are you sucking my plate?

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Mitchell: I do not have an answer.

Kendra: So, Nancy, how long have you two been married?

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: Well, it will be 10 years in October. Mitchell, has Richard ever told you the story of our engagement?

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Mitchell: He hasn’t.

Kendra: I actually have a lot of questions about your relationship.

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: Well, Richard and I, we’re in Greece and I just knew he was going to propose.

[Richard starts putting his hand on Nancy’s face]

[Nancy kisses Richard’s hands.]

So, we’re on this beautiful boat cruise. The sun is setting.

[Richard is putting his hand on Nancy’s face again. Nancy blows on Richard’s hand.]

Everything is perfect and he eats the ring.

Richard: I did, I ate it.

Nancy: The next day, I found it on his diapy and I said, “Yes.” Shall we eat?

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Kendra: Sure, that story made me really hungry.

[Cut to everybody taking their seats.]

Nancy: Go ahead, everybody. Take a seat.

Mitchell: Oh, I’m sorry. It looks like we need one more chair.

[Cut to Richard on a baby walker.]

Richard: No, got my own.

[Richard walks forward on baby walker.]

So, Mitchell, how are we looking for next quarter?

Nancy: Ah! Ah! No, no, no, no! No work at the table. In fact, Richard and I have a bit of an announcement to make.

Richard: That’s right. We’re having a baby.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra. They are shocked.]

Kendra: Oh, wow.

Mitchell: For real?

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: I’m excited but nervous. You know, I don’t know anything about being a mom.

[Nancy feeds Richard like she’s feeding a baby making different noises.]

Pup-pup-pup. Yum-yum-yum-yum.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra. They are shocked.]

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: Yum-yum-yum-yum. Who’s the good boy? There you go.

Richard: Well, I’m not worried. You’re gonna be a great mother.

Nancy: Aw!

Richard: Come here, you.

[Nancy leans forward for a kiss, but Richard blows on her mouth.]

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra.]

Mitchell: Could we maybe just do a little toast here? Congratulations.

[Cut to everybody. They all raise their glasses.]

Everybody: A toast.

Richard: Oh! Look at that. [Cut to Nancy and Richard] A lemon. I’ve been meaning to try one of these.

[Richard takes the lemon on his glass and puts it in his mouth, then spits it out.]

Hmm, it’s good. It’s tart.

Nancy: It seems like you don’t like it sweety.

[Cut to Richard. He eats the lemon again and makes funny faces.]

Richard: No, I do. It’s just– It’s strong. Well, you two should probably head out. I’m tired-tired and I wanna go night-night.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Kendra: It’s 7:15.

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: I know. That’s very late for him. Okay, Richard, let’s say goodnight. [Nancy stands up] High five, come on.

[Mitchell walks to Richard giving him a palm to high-five on]

Mitchell: High-five, buddy.

Nancy: High-five. He usually does it. It’s so weird. High-five honey. Come on.

[Richard high-fives Mitchell’s palm like a baby]

Mitchell: Yay!

[Kendra walks in with her palm for Richard to high-five on]

Nancy: You too, Kendra. High-five, honey.

[Richard high-fives Kendra’s palm like a baby]

Nancy: Yay!

[Cut to everybody]

Richard: Wow, that was great. Oh, and Mitchell, I’ll see you on Monday, CFO.

Mitchell: Thank you, baby boss.

[Mitchell and Kendra runs out]

[Cut to Nancy and Richard. Richard is moving his hand everywhere and he touches Nancy’s back]

Nancy: Ooh! Wow! Well, well, look who’s feeling frisky.

Richard: That’s right. How about a bath?

Nancy: I’ll go fill up the kitchen sink.

[Richard is happy]

[cheers and applause]

Night Murmurs

Aurora… Cecily Strong

Tawna… Cameron Diaz

Latouch… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a romantic music and Aurora sitting on a sofa in a night gown.]

Aurora: Hi, I’m Aurora. What are you doing right now? Are you all by yourself? Don’t be that.

[Cut to Tawna in a night gown.]

Tawna: Call the Night Murmurs chatline. I’m Tawna and I’m waiting to talk to you. I’m not even going to go to the bathroom until this phone rings. And I really need to go.

[Cut to Latouch in a night gown with a yellow telephone.]

Latouch: I’m Latouch. We’re real local girls who can’t wait to talk to guys like you. Guys who are strong, confident and out for anything.

[Cut to Aurora]

Aurora: Us girls at Night Murmurs will do anything to make you happy. And maybe once you get to know us, you’d be open to doing, I don’t know, some pretty giant favors for us.

[Cut to Latouch]

Latouch: What kind of favors?

[Cut to Tawna]

Tawna: Well, I don’t know. Something secret and naughty. Like, maybe you can meet me in a parking lot and I can give you a mysterious package. But you have to promise never to open it. I just need you to hang on to it until things calm down a bit. And you do that for me? I know you can.

[Cut to Latouch]

Latouch: Call now. I wanna tell you all my secrets. My biggest one right now is that I lost a bet. So, now I have to get video taped while someone throws a 20 pound turkey at my back. That was a bad bet to make. Who knows what I’ll do next? Call me.

[Cut to Aurora]

Aurora: I wanna guy who is spontaneous on dates and great at listening to instructions like, can you scare my grandma so bad that she runs away from a trailer that I wanna own? I’d love that. She definitely doesn’t appreciate that trailer as much as I would. Call now. And I’ll give you this clown mask. She hates clowns, even though she’s the number one clown. It will make her run. So, call. I wanna talk to you one to one.

[Cut to Tawna with a pink telephone]

Tawna: Girls are standing by to talk to you. Oh, yes. P.S. another thing about that package, as soon as you get it home it’s gotta go into the fridge. Call me.

[Cut to Latouch]

Latouch: Oh, hey! Do you think I’ll fall down when that frozen turkey hits me in the back? I hope so. Because they say, if it doesn’t look like it’s a hard enough hit, they get to throw another one at me. Call now.

[Cut to Tawna]

Tawna: Oh, yes. And on that package, it looks like it says ‘danger’, it really says ‘Dan gier’. Mr. Dan Gier owns the package. Isn’t that wild? Call me.

[Cut to Aurora]

Aurora: And don’t be sad about my grandmother. She’s way too full of herself. She used to be a real model and lets me know about it every day. She calls me a night time phone slut. So, let’s chat bout how we can safely remove my slop grandmother from her trailer forever.

[Cut to Latouch]

Latouch: I need to remember not to make bets. I get real cocky about being a Pepsi person, but when it comes down to it, I can’t tell the difference from Coke. I don’t know why I keep betting that I can. So, call me and lets talk.

[Cut to Tawna]

Tawna: Call us at Night Murmurs. You must be over 18 and under 6 inches. Bye!

[cheers and applause]