Category:

Game of Thrones- Jon Snow

Tormund… Bobby Moynihan

Edd… Beck Bennett

Ser Davos… Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Brie Larson

Melisandre… Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Jon snow… Pete Davidson

[Starts with the intro of The Game Of Thrones]

[Cut to the scene where Jon Snow is dead and his body is lying.]

Tormund: Well, Jon Snow is dead.

Edd: Yes, he’s dead for good. But he might be the heir to the iron throne.

Ser Davos: Oh, well. Not anymore. Because of how dead he is.

Tormund: What should we do with the body? Bury him?

Ser Davos: No. I think with this one, we just leave him out for a few days on this slab so that everyone can see how dead he really is.

Edd: Boy, he is dead.

Tormund: He is the deadest.

Ser Davos: Dead… for sure.

Cecily : Oh, my god. This is so slow.

Brie : Just bring him back to life already.

Cecily : Yeah. We all know it’s gonna happen. Just do it.

Ser Davos: No, it is not going to happen because he is super dead. On a scale of one to ten, he is like a ten of dead.

Edd: Totally, Ser Davos. But wait. Does Jon Snow have to be…

Ser Davos: Have to be what?

Edd: Have to be dead?

Cecily : No! He doesn’t. So let’s wake him up and pop on a horse and fight someone or something.

Brie : Yeah. Because we only get ten hours in a year, people. We spent two in this room.

Cecily : Yeah, right now we’re doing [gesturing stretching with her hands] this and we need to be doing [gesturing running fast with her hands] this.

[Melisandre walks in]

Melisandre: Hello. It is I, Melisandre. Remember? With thousand year old posts?

Ser Davos: Melisandre, seeing you gives me an idea. Can you bring Jon Snow back to life with your magic?

Melisandre: Hmm, maybe. Let me think about for a full ten minutes.

Ser Davos: And while you think, let’s stare both traumatically.

[close cuts to Ser Davos and Melisandre staring here and there]

Cecily : Holy crap. I mean, you guys must feel how slow this is.

Brie : I mean, what is this? A play? Let’s go do something. Our world is so cool. We have giants, we have dragons, we have quidditch.

Cecily : Oh, that’s Harry Potter.

Brie : Oh, whatever.

Ser Davos: I have done plenty of exciting things with my life. Remember last year when I learned to read?

Cecily : No. Actually I went to the bathroom during all those scenes.

[Kenan  walks in]

Kenan : Move aside. I’m here to see Jon Snow. I heard he’s alive again.

Cecily : No. They still haven’t done it.

Brie : He’s still on the slab.

[Kenan  looking at the body]

Kenan : [squeaky voice] Whaaaaat?

Melisandre: Okay. Update. I have decided to do my magic. But a warning. It only works if it’s done very slowly. First, I must wash his body. That’s part of the magic for sure.

[Jon Snow wakes up]

Not yet.

[Jon Snow dies again]

And maybe not ever, my magic may not work. This is real edge of the seat kind of thing. And now, what everyone has been waiting a year to see. I shall cut his hair.

[Jon Snow wakes up]

Not yet, kid!

Jon Snow: [whispering] Sorry.

Melisandre: And now I throw his hair into tiny little fire, one strand at a time.

Kenan : [yelling] Pick up the pace, woman!

Melisandre: Never mind the pace. I’m sure they’re cutting away to King’s Landing or something while I do all this boring stuff.

Cecily : No, no, no. They’re not. They’re staying on us.

Brie : Yeah, they’re showing us. This all in real time.

Melisandre: Wait, they are? A-yai-yai. Abraka-dabra. You’re alive.

[Jon Snow wakes up]

It worked. What a twist.

Brie : Finally.

Cecily : Come on, out to the good stuff.

Jon Snow: I miss my family. Take me to Bran. I wanna see what Bran’s up to.

All: No!

[The End]

Dead Bopz

Bing Crosby… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a hologram of Bing Crosby sitting on a sofa]

Bing Crosby: [singing] Tu-du-du-du.

Hello there. I’m Bing Crosby. Crooner, actor, and did I mention I’m [singing] du-bi-du-bi dead!

So, how am I talking to you now? Through the magic of holograms of course. Thanks to this exciting new science from the 90s, we can recreate great artists from the past and make them sing the songs of today. Introducing Dead Bopz. Featuring performances like this from Mr. Roy Orbison.

[Cut to video clip of Roy Orbison singing ‘Sorry’ by Justin Bieber]

You can find that more on this great compilation disc right here.

[Bing Crosby is trying to hold the disc but he can’t as he’s just a hologram]

Do you like Rihanna but wish she was actually Eartha Kitt?

[Cut to video clip of Ertha Kitt singing ‘Bitch Better Have My Money’ by Rihanna]

And we’ve got over three more. Paul Robeson was one of the great singers and civil rights leaders of his day. We used to compute him and make him sing Trap Queen.

[Cut to video clip of Paul Robeson singing ‘Trap Queen’ by Fetty Wap]

Quick, somebody give that hologram a holo-Grammy! Not my joke, guys. I’m just laser beams. And there’s more. Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo, more like Ginger Rogers feat. Fred Astaire.

[Cut to Ginver Rogers and Fred Astaire singing ‘Give me everything’ by Pitbull. They sing and then start tap-dancing.]

And of course, Selena Gomez. As sung by the Selena Gomez of the 50s.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant dancing and singing ‘Hands to myself’. There’s are a lot of glitches.]

Still working out the case. Just ignore that while America’s sweetheart Leslie Gore throws down this ratchet club banger by miss Nicki Minaj.

[Cut to video clip of Leslie Gore singing ‘Dance Ass’ by Nicki Minaj]

[Bing Crosby’s hologram is drooling at Leslie Gore]

And of course you can’t mention singing holograms without Tupac showing up. Here he is with his hardcore response to all the haters out there.

[Cut to video clip of Tupac singing ‘Shake it off’ by Taylor Swift.]

Male voice: Dead Bopz.

Bing Crosby: Bye!

[Bing Crosby’s hologram disappears]

[The End]

Church Lady Cold Open

Church Lady… Dana Carvey

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Melania… Cecily Strong

Ivanka… Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Church Chat intro]

Male voice: And now it’s time for Church Chat.

[Cut to Church Lady]

[cheers and applause]

Church Lady: Thank you. Thank you everybody. Welcome to Church Chat. I’m the Church Lady. You know, it’s interesting times in America, right? And now we’ve landed on the exciting presidential matchup between a god list liberal democrat and Hillary Clinton. But first my favorite event of the week, the Met Gala Ball, the classy evening where strumpets and street walkers and sluts get to parade around in the latest genital fashion. First, we have Madonna. Let’s see what this 57-year-old mother chose to wear.

[Cut to picture of Madonna from behind at the Met Gala]

Look, her fanny’s just hanging out with sturdy straps [Cut to Church Lady] to push those six-decade old bums straight to heaven. Go get Jesus.

And then we have Beyonce. [Cut to picture of Beyonce at Met Gala] She must be thinking, “What should I wear to the ball tonight? [Cut to Church Lady] I know. A giant latex condom. All wrapped up and ready to fornicate.”

Speaking of fornicating, Beyonce made her record called Lemonade about her husband’s affairs. With that in mind, introducing today’s sponsor, Church Lady’s Lemonade.

[Church Lady shows a package of lemonade with her picture on it.]

It’s freshly squeezed just like Jay-Z’s snotty parts.  Too soon? Okay. Alright let’s talk politics, shall we? My first guest is someone I’ve talked about quite a bit here on Church Chat but we’ve never actually met face to face. Please welcome Satan.

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Ted Cruz: Hi there. You can actually just call me Ted Cruz.

Church Lady: Oh, I’m terribly sorry about that. I was just quoting one of your colleagues, Teddy. Don’t get that a bunch. You know, John Boehner, speaker of the house.

Ted Cruz: Oh, sure. No, John’s– Oh, he’s coming up with hilarious nick names for me like Buster, or son of a gun.

Church Lady: I believe the phrase was ‘Lucifer in the flesh’. Yeah, little bit different than Buster. And now you quit the race entirely. Why do you think it didn’t work out?

Ted Cruz: Well Church Lady, I suppose the American people weren’t ready for a candidate with strong Christian values, someone like me who follows the righteous path and lives his faith every blessing moment.

Church Lady: Has anyone ever told you that you’re just a little preachy? Just a little bit. We like ourselves, don’t we. Look at that face. We love ourselves. Coz we think we’re just a little bit– There it is. That’s that happy superior face coz we love Jesus more than anybody.

Ted Cruz: Yes, I do pray to god often and I think everything that happened was part of god’s plan.

Church Lady: Was it? Was it? God’s plan for you to get humiliated by an orange mannequin? That’s kind of an odd plan for god to have for you, isn’t it? Tell me Ted Man Walking, what are you gonna do now?

Ted Cruz: Well actually Church Lady, I’ve been thinking about turning evil for a while. You know? Going to the dark side. I mean, I’ve been told to go to hell so many times I- I think its finally time to check it out. [laughing hardly]

Church Lady: Well, what a fun trip you’re looking forward to. I rarely say this in encouraging way, but see you in hell!

Ted Cruz: Ha-ha, thank you Church Lady. [Stands and walks out laughing]

Church Lady: Alright, very good. Little bit. Just a little bit. Alright, our final guest today is the presumptive republican divorcee– I mean nominee, please welcome the tangerine tornado, Donald J. Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Terrific. Alright there, hi Donny. have a seat. Look at you.

Donald Trump: Hey Church Lady. It’s great to be here. Your place looks tremendous. Believe me, this is one classy fun house.

Church Lady: Actually, this is what we call a church. Something tells me that you’re not a big church goer.

Donald Trump: Oh, I’m a big church guy. I’m there all the time. Sometimes I go even when it’s not church day.

Church Lady: Wow, what a well put statement. Does Donny ever take a gander at the holy scripture?

Donald Trump: Honestly, I love all the books in the bible. I do. They’re all terrific. Corinthians part two. Book of revelations. Two geneses too furious, which says and I quote, “Love thy neighbor as thyself and like a good neighbor stay far as there.” And, “always keep the sabbath huge.” That’s Moses. Oh, and part where Jon Snow comes back to life, that’s great bible.

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special? Donny, there are those who say you’re not qualified and that’s not true. You know, I remember a Celebrity apprentice episode where Gary Busey didn’t sell enough pancakes and you just said, “You’re fired.” And I thought right then and there, “Give this man the nuclear codes.”

Donald Trump: A lot of people are saying that.

Church Lady: Um-hmm. Speaking of God’s commandments or not, I understand your family is here.

Donald Trump: Oh yeah, that’s right. Get in here guys.

[three women enter]

This is my wife Melania.

Melania: Hello, it’s so wonderful to be here.

Donald Trump: My lovely daughter, Ivanka.

Ivanka: Sort of great to be here as well.

Church Lady: And who’s the third woman down there?

Donald Trump: That’s just another model. I mean she’s great energy to have around.

Church Lady: I’m sure.

Kate: [in Russian accent] Let’s have fun.

Church Lady: It likes all kinds of flash, doesn’t it? Tell me Donald, have you figured out who your vice presidents are gonna be? Somebody who shares your temperament and values? Someone like, oh I don’t know, could it be… Satan?

[Ted Cruz comes in. Now he has horns and fangs. He is there with his minion.]

Ted Cruz: [in demonic voice] I have recurred.

Church Lady: Ted is a demon. My god!

Ted Cruz: I am no longer Ted Cruz. I am Bermagulas, lord of shadows. [laughing]

Donald Trump: You sure you aren’t lord of the weak chins?

[Ted Cruz is angry and looking at Donald Trump]

Ted Cruz: Stop it Donald.

Donald Trump: You’re the first guy who got possessed and looks better.

Ted Cruz: You’re such a jerk, Donald! I’m going back to hell. They’re nicer there.

[Ted Cruz leaves]

Church Lady: Well, that was an eventful Church Chat. Thanks for letting us chatted up with you and right now all I gotta say is…

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Church Lady and Ted Cruz: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[The End]

Brie Larson Monologue

Brie Larson

Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Brie Larson.

[Brie Larson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Brie Larson: Thank you. Thank you so very much. Hey everybody, it is so wonderful to be here. As I hope you all know tomorrow is Mother’s Day. So it’s fitting that I’m hosting tonight because I played a very strong mother in a movie every kid should watch with their mom on Mother’s Day called ‘Room’. Don’t do that. The movie is pretty intense. 10 minutes, and my own mom went to go get popcorn and just never came back. Speaking of my mom, she’s here tonight. [Cut to Brie’s mom in the audience] Happy Mother’s Day, mom. Are you excited for the show?

Brie’s Mom: Yeah, I love Alicia Keys.

[Cut to Brie Larson]

Brie Larson: Okay, cool.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hey Brie, sorry to interrupt. I forgot it was Mother’s Day tomorrow. Do you mind if I do special message for my mom?

Brie Larson: Oh, yeah. Of course Beck, yes.

Beck: Thanks. [looking at the camera and putting his arm around Brie’s shoulder] Hey mom, so this is the girl I’ve been telling you about. See? I told you she’s real. And a girl.

Brie Larson: [removing Beck’s hand from her shoulder] Maybe not that.

Beck: Oh right, sure. And, um, happy Mother’s Day. I love you.

Brie Larson: We’re not dating Beck.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Good looks and a sense of humor. You look out there babe, I’ll be waiting in the dressing room. [whispering] Ask here where, oh!

[Beck leaves]

Brie Larson: For the record, miss Bennett, I am not dating your son. But since it’s Mother’s Day, if anyone else has a message for their mom, come on up.

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: Oh, I do Brie. Is that okay?

Brie Larson: Sure. Go ahead, Bobby.

Bobby: Hey mom, do me a favor. Get the remote, go in my room and record all seasons of Vanderpump Rules. Thanks mom. Happy Mother’s Day. I love you.

Brie Larson: You live with your mom?

Bobby: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I pay rent.

[Bobby walks out and Pete walks in]

Pete: Hey Brie, um, my mom’s watching tonight. So do you mind if I said something?

Brie Larson: Um, Pete, we’re kind of running low on time now.

[Pete’s mom walks in]

Pete: Oh, okay. Okay mom, Brie Larson said she doesn’t have time for you.

Brie Larson: Oh-okay. Okay, Pete. I didn’t know that your mom was right there. Of course, hi, happy Mother’s Day. Say something.

Pete: Oh. Happy Mother’s Day, mom. I love you.

Brie Larson: It’s so sweet that you brought you mom tonight.

Pete: She comes, um, every show.

[Pete and his mom walks out]

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Hey Brie, can I bring my mom up here?

Brie Larson: Of course.

Kate: Come on, ma.

[Kate’s mom walks in]

Kate: Brie, loved you in the movie ‘Short Term 12. She just wanted to meet you.

Kate’s mom: Well, who doesn’t like a good Brie?

Kate: She wrote that.

Brie Larson: Ha-ha, yeah. [Kate and her mom leave] Oh, it’s my turn. Mom, can you please come up here?

[Brie’s mom walks in]

You’ve been so supportive to me over the years. Endless words of encouragement. And as a token of my appreciation, I got you a front row seat to the hottest show in New York.

Brie’s mom: Hamilton?

Brie Larson: No mom, no. This show. And we’ve got a great one. Alicia Keys is here. So stick around. We will be right back.

Baby Shower

Claire… Leslie Jones

Heather… Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Brie Larson

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a group of moms having a baby shower]

All: Open it. Open it.

Brie: Aw, burp cloths with little duckies on them. Thank you so much for throwing me this baby shower, girls. I feel so welcome to the neighborhood.

Sasheer: Of course. So, when are you becoming a mom?

Brie: My due date is July 14.

Sasheer: Oh, no. That’s when you’re having a child. But when are you becoming a true mother? You know. When are you… [sowing her hair]

Brie: When am I what?

Heahter: She wants to know when you’re getting the cut, sweetie. [feeling her hair]

Brie: The cut?

All: Yes, the cut.

[Everyone except Brie has the same short haircut.]

Cecily: You know, the haircut that all moms have. Soft waterfall in the front but knives in the back.

Vanessa: The one that looks like your’e going to a formal event but on the way, you were stuck by lightning.

Claire: The scared dinosaur from Jurassic Park.

Brie: I don’t think that look is for me.

Sasheer: That’s what we all thought. But then one day something will break inside of you and you’ll know it’s time to get the cut.

Brie: Well, what was it for you?

Sasheer: Well, I was getting ready to leave a wedding and then all of a sudden, I thought, “I need to take this centerpiece.” I can no longer leave a wedding without taking a centerpiece.

Brie: Was it the end of the reception?

Brie: No. I left early because I don’t like music but dammit, I took that centerpiece and then I knew, it was time for the cut.

Aidy: You know, but the cut finds you in different ways. Now for me, it was much more abrupt. I completely blacked out and I came to in the parking lot of Marshall’s Home Goods. And in my hands was a rustic sign that just said the single word, “Home.” Next day, I got the cut.

Cecily: You know now, for me it was when I bought a big glass urn. Huge. Takes up entire kitchen isle. And what did I put in it? One candle.

Brie: And when do you light it?

All: Never!

Brie: So you’re telling me there’s gonna be some sort of magical moment and suddenly I’m gonna want a haircut that’s curtains in the front, iron throne in the back?

Vanessa: No one wants the cut. The cut chooses you. For me, it happened when I stepped into my bathroom. I closed my eyes and heard the ocean. In that moment, I knew my bathroom must be an ocean. I need light houses. I need sea shells. I need soap in the shape of the flipflop.

Brie: Why do you need soap in the shape of a flipflop?

[everybody laughing]

Heahter: Silly girl, she seeks clarity only the cut can provide. But soon you will know many things. Like, bathrooms are oceans. But the kitchen is afar.

Sasheer: Yeah. A kitchen is watering cans, picket fences, a pig in a chef’s hat.

Claire: The cut is more powerful than you can ever imagine. My doctor told me I couldn’t get pregnant unless I have sex with my husband, which I never have, and never will. Instead, I just got the cut and I looked down and boom! I was 7 months pregnant.

Brie: [Folding a bag] There is no way that that could have happened.
Cecily: Really? Then ask yourself a question. Why are you folding that bag so carefully?

Brie: So I can save it for later because it’s just such a nice bag.

Sasheer: We know. We give them to each other. I got that bag from Claire.

Claire: And I got that bag from Heather.

Heahter: And I got it from Barbara. There are only seven bags in this entire county because of women like us. Women with good taste and foresight to save.

[Jon walks in]

Jon: Hey, mom.

Aidy: Hi, sweetie.

Jon: Sorry to interrupt. I’m just gonna grab something to eat.

Brie: I’ll fix you a plate.

Jon: It’s alright. I’ll get it myself. Thanks though.

[Brie is shocked]

Brie: Fix you a plate? He’s not even my son. Yet, I didn’t trust him to put things on a plate and microwave it. I had to do it for him.

Heahter: The catch is upon us.

Brie: No. No, I will never be like you. I will never have a chunky highlight.

Aidy: What’s in motion cannot be undone. Soon you will have the cut. And all of your tank tops will sprout cap sleeves.

Cecily: Your quotes will be inspirational and your magnets, hilarious.

Sasheer: You will go to the beach but only shop…

All: The cat, the cat, the cat.

Sasheer: Welcome sister.

[Brie screaming. Now she has the short haircut too.]

Brie: Oh, my god! [feeling her shot hair] I love this. I love it. And you know what this room needs? A big bowl of fake fruits.

All: Oh, yeah.

Female voice: Happy Mother’s Day from SNL.

[The End]

Woodbridge High School Showcase

Aidy Bryant

Fred Armisen

Kenan Thompson

Vanessa Bayer

David Larry

Kyle Mooney

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with students introducing their showcase]

Aidy: Welcome everyone to Woodbridge High School Student Theatre showcase.

Fred: Written and directed by us, the students.

[the audience are clapping]

Aidy: Now, before we begin, a warning. Tonight’s show is rated R, for reality check.

Fred: And now, please enjoy, America the beautiful?

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. All the performers enter the stage. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Lights turn on]

Aidy: Ma’am, what’s this?

Kate: That’s the iPhone 6s with 128 gigabytes.

Aidy: Yes. [to next person] Sir, what’s this?

Taran: That’s the new iPad Pro with 12.9 inch display.

Aidy: Yes. [to next person] And sir, what’s this? [showing a flower]

Fred: I don’t know.

Kyle: How about less tech-nology

Beck: And more nature-nology.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to David, Vaness and Kenan]

David: What? That’s all the show?

Vanessa: No, no, no. The program says it was scene 1 of 85.

David: Oh, yeah. No, I’m not sitting through 85 of these.

[David walks out]

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Kate: We all know what regular people buy at regular grocery stores.

Kyle: But what do rich people buy at rich grocery stores?

Kate: Let’s find out now.

Beck: [facing Taran] One Hollywood body please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep.

Fred: [to Taran] One innocent verdict, please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep.

Aidy: One general election please.

[Taran acting like he’s processing the orders]

Everybody: Beep-beep. Wow!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: You know what sucks? The cast party is at my house. Last year they stayed up until 6 AM just complimenting each other.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Kyle: I have xeca. Cough, cough.

Kate: I have ebola. [sneeze]

Aidy: I have malaria. Malayr-malayr.

Fred: But in high-school, do you know what spreads faster than all of these?

[They start whispering on each other’s ears]

[Cut to Kenan and Vanessa]

Kenan: It’s gonna be gossip.

[Cut to the stage]

Taran: It’s gossip.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Kenan: No, doy!

Vanessa: Look at this. The program says this show is dedicated to Prince.

Kenan: Yeah, but then they have a picture of Michael Jackson on the back.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Beck: Honey, where’s your prom date? I cannot wait to meet him.

Aidy: Actually, it’s not a him. It’s a her.

[Kate jumps in]

Kate: We’re lesbians.

Everybody: That’s good.

Kate: Nice to meet you, Emily’s dad.

Beck: Actually, I’m not her dad. I’m her mom. I’m transgender.

Everybody: That’s good.

Aidy: And this whole time, none of us were white. We were Asian.

Everybody: That’s good!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: These kids blow. What do they think this is even gonna lead to?

Kenan: Actually, they all just in in NYU.

Vanessa: Oh! Ew!

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Aidy: I have a story. [the other performers start humming] It’s about my little brother. His name is Jackery, but I don’t call him that. I call him hero. Because he has special needs. Doctor said we would need to help him but the funny thing is, he is the one who helped us. And that’s why now, I spell hero with a capital Jackery.

[The lights go dim and music starts playing. The performers are setting up the stage.]

[Cut to Vaness and Kenan]

Vanessa: What? She is my only child. Also, she calls me the R word like everyday.

[Cut to the stage. The lights turn on.]

Fred: For this scene we need a volunteer. How about you in the front row, [Cut to Kenan] pretending to read a tiny book.

Kenan: Who, me?

[Cut to the stage]

Fred: Yes, you. Get up here. Now, we all love to watch violence on TV.

Kate: Band!

Taran: Punch!

Beck: Hit!

Fred: But what happens when we’re confronted by something as simple as the human body?

[Kenan walks to the stage and sits]

Kenan: Oh, no.

[The performers walk to Kenan one by one]

Aidy: My vagina.

Kate: My nipples.

Taran: My scrotum.

Beck: My penis and my brenium.

Aidy: My libia majora.

Kyle: My anus.

Fred: Tell us, sir. Did that make you uncomfortable?

Kenan: Uh, yeah! Coz you’re all kids.

Everybody: Wow!

[The lights go dim and music starts playing.]

[The lights turn on]

Fred: Thank you all for coming to our show.

Aidy: Please stay seated for two hour Q&A amongst ourselves.

[Fred raises his hand]

Aidy: Yes you.

[The End]

Weekend Update Willie About Summer

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Next week is memorial day weekend, which means summer is right around the corner. And I for one is not excited about it but here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Hey, Michael. Ay, happy summer time everybody. Boy, I can’t wait to just sit outside and stare directly to that hot summer son. [Cut to Willie] Or take a ride in the back of a pickup truck, sack over my head, wrist tied together, pee running down my legs, pee dripping down my chin.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: What the hell are you describing, man?

Willie: Summer time, Michael.

Michael Che: No, you’re not.

Willie: Makes me feel like a kid again. Boy I get so excited whenever I saw the ice-cream truck, or the candy van.

Michael Che: What’s the candy van?

Willie: Oh…. nice try, Michael! [Cut to Willie] But everybody knows you’re not supposed to tell what happens in the candy van. What you trying to do? Get me spanked and tickled by old man cut in half?

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Jesus, Willie.

Willie: What about all the outdoor concerts, Michael? [cut to Willie] You know, I remember one summer my daddy took me to see little Richard. He said, “Son, that’s the architect of rock and roll. It’s the devil’s music and I’m gonna kill him.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: That sounds horrible, man.

Willie: You know, back in those days, we weren’t allowed to go to the city pool. But we made due. [Cut to Willie] Sometimes the local firemen would come down and open the hydrant. Then they detach a hose and sprayed the hell out of us.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: These are terrible memories, Willie.

Willie: But all lives matter, Michael.

Michael Che: What?

Willie: Don’t you love summer baseball, Michael? [Cut to Willie] Every summer, my whole family would go down to AYBS field to watch the Brooklyn Dodges and throw rocks at the opposing team. But it’s like my grandma always used to say, “Stop aiming at Jackie Robinson, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Willie, this is not cheering me up.

Willie: You know who really loved summer time?

Michael Che: No.

Willie: My old dog Lucias

Michael Che: Okay.

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Oh, he used to love to go for a drive. I could leave him for the car for hours. Windows rolled up. His tongue all out-banded. Nose just dry as a bone. It’s like they always say, “Get out of the candy van, your dog is cooking, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Willie, everybody.

Willie: Happy summer, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update,I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Have a great summer. Goodnight.

[The End]

Harkin Brothers Band

Sasheer Zamata

Fred Armisan

Maya Rudolph

[Starts with a band standing on a stage]

Sasheer: Hey, 38th community center. How y’all feeling tonight?

[audience whooping]

Alright, who likes early 70s style southern rock?

[silence]

Anyone? No? Well, we already paid for this. So please welcome the Harkin Brothers.

[The band has a lot of members.]

Fred: How y’all doing? We’re the Harkin Brothers band and who here is from Arkansas? Nobody? Any of you kids been there? Well, here’s a song about it. Two, three, four.

[band playing music]

[singing] Frogs are jumping upon to the lily pads
eaten plates of honey ham all day
commute in the air tiring to a swimming hole
Arkansas is calling out my name
hot, hot, summer time

Maya: Nothing like a nap in a burned out pickup truck
fireflies they’re riding to my mouth

Fred and Maya: Running barefoot on the pile of rocks and stones

Then I see…

All: Henrietta, Henrietta 

Fred: Get up here.
Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

All: Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Summer time in Fayetteville
hot, hot, summer time

Escape Pod

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Din… Fred Armisen

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of a space ship flying in the space. Subtitle says Andromeda Galaxy, year twentyfifty.]

[The space ship is broken and fire breaks down]

[Cut to four people panicking in the ship]

Taran: Ah! The evacuation. Great work finding that maintenance tunnel willow.

Beck: We’re too late. There’s only one escape pod left. Why didn’t they wait for us.

Taran: Half the ship is torn apart in a solar storm, Donar. It’s safe to assume they thought we were all dead.

Cecily: Well, one escape pod fits one person. So, who gets to live?

Taran: Alright. [opens his bag] Throw your ID badges in here. I draw your’s, you get the escape pod.

Din: What happens to everybody else?

Cecily: They stay here and wait to die.

[Taran draws an ID[

Taran: It’s Din.

Din: No, you guys. No.

Beck: First fair, Din.

Din: I’m a nobody. I don’t have kids. Why should I get to live?

Taran: It’s what fate decided.

[Din goes to the escape pod.]

Cecily: When you get to that moon base, tell the other colonists what happened here today. Tell them our story.

Din: [sobbing] I will. You’re my best friends. And now, you’re my heroes.

Taran: God speed, Din.

Din: I will tell your story.

[Din presses the button]

Assisting voice: Safety restraint engaging.

Din: You guys are the best.

Assisting voice: Safety restraint engaged.

Din: The world will know your sacrifice.

Assisting voice: Pre launch checklist. Do you wish to eat during the flight?

Din: How can I think about food when my friends are about to die?

Beck: Din, it’s okay.

Assisting voice: Do you wish to eat during your flight?

Din: I mean, I want the option. It’s a long flight. There you go. [presses yes] I’m not gonna even eat it. You know? Coz I’ll be thinking of your sacrifice.

Assisting voice: Select entree from menu.

Din: [frustrated] I don’t deserve an entree. [reading the menu] Korean style chicken with spicy sobe noodles and chobani.

Taran: Hey Din, if you see my wife up there, tell her I love her.

Din: I’ll tell her more than that. I’ll tell her that her husband–

Assisting voice: Select beverage.

Din: Um, vanilla milkshake. That her husband died a hero.

Assisting voice: Make inflight entertainment selection from film database.

Din: What? I don’t think that my friends are giving their lives so I can watch a movie. [looking at the list]

Assisting voice: You selected City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold. Is that correct?

Din: Yes, it’s correct.

Assisting voice: Select seat mode. Standard, relaxed or pampered?

Din: Oh, my god! Why does it even matter? Um, pampered.

[two hands that comes out behind Din start massaging him]

Assisting voice: Activating deep issue massage.

Din: [enjoying massage] Oh, yes. I will never forget you guys. And neither will the world. Oh, that feels so good.

[the door of the escape pod slowly closes.]

[Din is saluting at his friends]

Assisting voice: Countdown to launch.

Cecily: I hope he enjoys his first class flight while we wait to die.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Wait! Wait! Oh! The blast fried the escape pod’s computers. They’re all flying directly into the sun. But I found a cargo shuttle below.

Taran: Lead the way.

Beck: What about Din?

[Cut to Din. He is enjoying his milkshake and laughing at the movie]

Taran: I’d hate to interrupt his dinner and the movie.

Cecily: Din, we’ll tell your story.

[Cut to the video clip of escape pod flying into the sun]

[The End]

Weekend Update Dilma Rousseff

Colin Jost

Dilma Rousseff… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff was ousted from office and faces impeachment for committing budget fraud. Here to comment is president Dilma Rousseff.

[Dilma Rousseff slides in with a cigar in one hand and a cocktail in another.]

[cheers and applause]

Dilma Rousseff. Bien Bonitos.

Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language] Thank you for calling me.

Colin Jost: Well, I gotta say. You seem pretty upbeat for somebody who just got kicked out of office.

Dilma Rousseff: Oh, Colin Ju. I feel great. It’s my retirement. Now I go in big vacation. Cheers.

Colin Jost: Wait. It was an impeachment. It’s not your retirement.

Dilma Rousseff: Ah! You say potutu, I say potata. [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] In Brazil, we have much bigger problem than impeachment. Okay? Our economy is major [foreign language] Our rivers are full of poison from the human dookies. We have [foreign language] in all the little, how do you you say this? Um… [foreign language] Pakotako.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff andColin Jost]

Colin Jost: Worse. No, I think it’s mosquito.

Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language]

Colin Jost: I think it’s the same in Portuguese. Mos–

Dilma Rousseff: Moskeiter.

Colin Jost: So, President Rousseff.

Dilma Rousseff: No-ah-ah! I am not a presidente anymore, Colind Jus. Now you can call me by my beautiful first name Dilma.

Colin Jost: Okay then. Dilma.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff]

Dilma Rousseff: No, no. [with accent] Dilma. Like your tongue is mad at the rest of your mouth. Say like this. Dilma.

Colin Jost: Dilma

Dilma Rousseff: You are not good at it. But you know what? You are very cute like a juicy baby. Who is your young friend?

Colin Jost: Oh, that’s Michael. Yes.

Dilma Rousseff: Michael Che!

[Cut to Michael Che waving and laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Dilma Rousseff]

Dilma Rousseff: Coline Ju, do you like my hair?

Colin Jost: Your hair is beautiful.

Dilma Rousseff: Thank you, [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] because I go to the barber and I say, “Hey guys, give me the new Rue Mcclanahan.”

[Picture of Rue Mcclanahan appears and they look the same.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Dilma Rousseff]

Colin Jost: Oh. It’s great.

Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language]

Colin Jost: Very nice. Could you just explain why your government wants to impeach you?

Dilma Rousseff: It’s same. The budget had a hole. I cook the book to hide the hole. Now everybody say, “Take a hike. You are [unintelligible] presidente.” But for me its no problem. I go to the beach, okay? I make relax. I drink, [foreign language].

[Cut to Colin Jost and Dilma Rousseff]

Colin Jost: Now hold on. Are you concerned with everything that’s going on in Brazil? Do you think you’re prepared for Rio to host the Olympics in just two months?

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff]

Dilma Rousseff: Umm…. [thinking] Nah! But we only have one or two thing left to do. Such take 1 million poo-poos out of the river and build all the buildings.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, hold on. You haven’t built any of the buildings yet?

Dilma Rousseff: It’s good, Colin. It’s fine, juicy baby. It’s fine. [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] It’s what you call B-Y-O-B. Right? Right Che? Bring your own buildings.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay.

Dilma Rousseff: Now, everybody samba. Un, dos, tres.

[drums playing]

[Dilma Rousseff starts whisteling]

Colin Jost: Dilma Rousseff everyone.