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Weekend Update Sam and Gilly

Colin Jost

Samwell Tarly… Bobby Moynihan

Gilly… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With it’s sexy characters and steamy plot lines, Game of Thrones is the hottest show on the TV right now. Here to talk about it is the hottest couple in Westoros, Samwell Tarly and the wilgling Gilly.

[Samwell Tarly and Gilly slide in]

Gilly: Thank you but no pictures please.

Samwell Tarly: Thank you.

Gilly: Thank you.

Samwell Tarly: Thank you.

Gilly: Thank you.

Samwell Tarly: Thank you.

Gilly: Thank you.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You guys are the show’s hottest couple?

Gilly: Yeah!

Colin Jost: Okay, what about Jon Snow and Egret?

Gilly: She’s dead.

Samwell Tarly: Dead, yeah.

Colin Jost: Okay, well what about Rob Stark?

Samwell Tarly: Dead.

Gilly: Dead.

Samwell Tarly: Also dead.

Colin Jost: Okay, what about Cersei and Jaime?

Gilly: Incest.

Samwell Tarly: Yeah, doesn’t count.

Gilly: Doesn’t count. Sorry.

Colin Jost: Okay. So, being the only couple makes you the hottest couple?

[Cut to Samwell Tarly and Gilly]

Samwell Tarly: Yeah. And it’s not easy being frost into the spotlight.

Gilly: Yeah, you know, everyone is looking at me now wondering what kind of rags would I be wearing, what will I be complaining about, how sick will my baby be. It’s like, live your own life!

Samwell Tarly: Yeah, you know? And the paparazzi won’t leave us alone. I mean, look at this who wore it better spread.

Gilly: And you know, it just turns my stomach to think about all these young boys dreaming about my stringy hair and my bulging eyes, you know, sneaking up stairs to have it go at themselves.

[Cut to Samwell Tarly, Gilly and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, no, no. I really– I don’t think boys are doing that.

Samwell Tarly: They are. No, they are. To her and me.

Gilly: Yeah, yeah.

[Cut to Samwell Tarly and Gilly]

Let’s just say people look at us and the winter is not the only thing that’s coming.

[Cut to Samwell Tarly, Gilly and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh! Wow! Oh, Wow! Don’t applaud that. Don’t applaud that!

Samwell Tarly: No, they should.

Colin Jost: I have to say I don’t think anyone would call you two traditionally sexy.

[Cut to Samwell Tarly and Gilly]

Samwell Tarly: Oh, I don’t know. I mean, I’ve been mistaken for Jon Snow from very, very far away. And also, I’ve been mistaken for a large pile of crows, and the entrance to a cave.

Gilly: You know, but underneath this sex appeal, we’re just a regular couple.

Samwell Tarly: Yeah, I mean we live at the wall. It’s not the greatest neighborhood but I mean, it’s an elevator building.

Gilly: You see, we’re normal people. We met in the normal way. My ex tried to sacrifice my baby to a ghost but Sam went to the killing stump and saved him.

Samwell Tarly: Oh, boy.

Gilly: Oh, he hates when I talk about my ex.

Samwell Tarly: Yeah, because your ex is your father.

Colin Jost: Okay. Yeah!

[Cut to Samwell Tarly, Gilly and Colin Jost]

You know, at least you guys seem like a happy couple. You know, what’s a typical night like?

[Cut to Samwell Tarly and Gilly]

Gilly: Oh, yeah. We just hang around the house in each other’s arms. Like this.

[They start acting. They are sitting close and are scared.]

My baby!

Samwell Tarly: Shh!

Gilly: My baby!

Samwell Tarly: Quiet Gilly, they’ll hear you.

Gilly: Sam, my baby.

[they stop acting]

[Cut to Colin Jost, Samwell Tarly and Gilly]

Colin Jost: Very, very sweet.

Gilly: Thank you.

Colin Jost: And now, what’s next for you guys?

Samwell Tarly: Oh, I’m glad you asked.

Gilly: Yeah, that’s a great question. Yeah.

Samwell Tarly and Gilly: Death!

Colin Jost: Okay. Great! Sam and Gilly everyone!

Weekend Update Ruth Bader Ginsberg

Colin Jost

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Supreme Court hearing on marriage equality, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg received a lot of media attention for her pointed comments. Here to explain is Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg slides in]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Woo-woo-woo! The Ruth- the Ruth- the Ruth is on fire.

Colin Jost: Alright. Justice coming in hot.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yeah. You better believe it, Colin. Yeah! [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] I’m ready to rumble, Mayweather-Pacquiao style. I float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. I clean myself like a fly.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Justice, Justice Ginsburg, let’s focus. Now, were you swayed by any of the arguments you heard on Tuesday?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Oh, they were useless. Useless! [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] Next time, I’m just gonna put a crumpled up black cocktail napkin in my place. Not gonna know what I’ve got. The arguments I heard, they were so weak. I just hope they’re not holding up Justice Scalia’s chair. Well, that’s a Gins-burn!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing]

Colin Jost: Justice Ginsburg!

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: What? What? Come on! I’m like a weird mole. I’m tiny but I could be dangerous.

Colin Jost: It’s a great point. Now getting back on track, the issue is really whether marriage equality should be up to state or federal governments. You know? You have states like Kentucky that want to keep their marriage bans.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Ah! Yeah! [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] Kentucky, yeah. Real 21st century state. I could call out that their most famous citizen is a friend chicken sales man who looks like he should be sipping iced tea at a slave auction. But I’m not gonna go there. And by there, I mean Kentucky! That’s a Gins-burn.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing]

Colin Jost: Justice Ginsburg, Supreme Court Justice Ginsburg!

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: What?

Colin Jost: You know, I have to say. You sound pretty confident you’re gonna win this case.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Oh, well, yeah I’m gonna win. I already won today. I was the jockey writing American farewell.

Colin Jost: Well, you’re a jockey too?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yeah. Down at the Derby, they call me Seembiscuit, coz all the fellows wanted to seem my biscuit.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You’re not gonna dance?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: I only dance when I’m joking, Colin. Well, well, if you really want, I’ll dance.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing]

Colin Jost: So, Justice, should we be expecting a final decision from you guys?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Oh, yeah. It couldn’t happen soon enough. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] I gotta push same sex marriage through before god remembers I’m still alive. The grim reaper, he came for me once, but I punched him and stole his robe.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And what’s next in this case? Is it the written briefs?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Well, written briefs. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] You know what’s written on my briefs? “Baby gap”. Nobody’s safe from the fire, not even me. I just got Gins-burned!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing.]

Colin Jost: Ruth Bader Ginsburg, everybody!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal

Michael Che

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Shaquille O’Neal… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Tyler’s not real. The first round of the NBA playoffs is now over with the LA Clippers beating the San Antonio Spurs. Here to give their takes are two greats from inside NBA, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal.

[Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Charles Barkley: Alright! Hey, how y’all doing?

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq in the house!

Michael Che: Now, before we start congratulations, Shaq, you just got your own show called, and this is not a joke, “Shaqtin’ a Fool”.

[Cut to Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Shaquille O’Neal: That’s right. Shaq will be on TV. First time ever.

Charles Barkley: What? Shaq, you’re on TV right now. Oh, man! Shaq’s brain has gotten smaller because it needs to make more room for food. He’s up to here with potatoes.

Shaquille O’Neal: Oh, you just grumping.

Charles Barkley: I know. I bet a lot of money on Manny Pacquiao.

[Cut to Michael Che, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Well, that’s not a bad bet.

Charles Barkley: Yeah, but I bet on him to win Kentucky Derby. They said he was fast.

Michael Che: Alright, let’s just talk about the playoff. LeBron James and the Cavaliers are the favorites in the east, but they just lost Kevin Love who got his arm literally torn out of the socket on the court. I mean, it’s scary out there.

[Cut to Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq’s never scared. Like Ray Parker Jr. I ain’t afraid of no goat.

Charles Barkley: Goat? It’s ghosts!

Shaquille O’Neal: Where? Where? Where the ghosts at?

Charles Barkley: The point is– no there’s no ghost over there. There’s a point here– And it is that the NBA is way less violent than it was 20 years ago. Man, when I was on the court, I got hit all the time. And once off the court, when I was dating Rosie, she gave me something called a Puerto Rican hicky.

[Cut to Michael Che, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: What’s a Puerto Rican hicky?

Charles Barkley: It’s when a girl that you’re seeing runs up to you and punches you in the neck.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq loves necks. Necks are good. Necks hold up your head.

[Cut to Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Charles Barkley: Oh, dammit, Shaq. I gave you power of attorney. If I die, you get my kids.

Michael Che: Oh, no!

Charles Barkley: Michael!

Michael Che: Yeah!

Charles Barkley: These players today are so soft man. Have you seen the way they dress? Russell Westbrook with those crazy paddle shirts looks like magic eye poster. If you stare long enough, you’ll see a sail boat.

Shaquille O’Neal: I see it right away.

Charles Barkley: Yeah, I know. You see it. Of course you do. Your eyes are trying to french kiss each other. If these people wanna know how to dress, they should talk to me.

Shaquille O’Neal: Why you? You look like somebody put a jacket on a Cadbury.

[Shaquille O’Neal leans towards the table]

Charles Barkley: Oh, my god! He formed a full sentence and now he’s tipping over. Good lord. Somebody get the man.

[Cut to Michael Che, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Maybe we should go. Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. there’s a picture of Obama being interviewed by an elementary school student at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An elementary school student who is interviewing President Obama cut the president off while he was giving his answer saying, “I think you’ve sort of covered everything about that question” followed by, “You mumbling Kenyan.” It’s a rough class.

[Picture changes to Shinzo Abe]

In the first address ever by Japanese leader of congress, Prime Minister Shinzo Abe offered condolences for Americans killed during World War II. Abe then asked, “So, you guys have anything from World War II that you wanna apologize for?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of

Colin Jost: It was reported that students in school district in Tennessee were served meat that were six years old, which raises the question, “Where is Tyler?”

[Cut to Michael Che laughing]

Michael Che: Tyler’s not real.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Prince William and Kate at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was announced this morning that Prince William and Kate gave birth to a baby girl weighing 8 pounds, three ounces. So she’s only a day old and all anybody can talk about is her weight?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Abercrombie & Fitch plaque at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Abercrombie & Fitch has announced plans to no longer hire employees based on attractiveness, which should make the first new guy they hire feel great!

[Picture changes to Bruce Jenner]

In an interview with Diane Sawyer last week, Bruce Jenner revealed that he self identifies as a woman. It was a moving and brave interview. And obviously this is a delicate subject to talk about. But as a comedy show, we still need to make jokes about it. So here we go. You know, the thing with Bruce Jenner is– and like I said, he’s brave and um… and um… Michael, you wanna jump in here?

Michael Che: Nope!

Colin Jost: Okay. You know, there’s one thing… You know, actually Michael and I were talking back stage…

Michael Che: No man, that was just you.

Colin Jost: Okay, well, here’s the thing. I just feel like any way you slice it…

Michael Che: No, do not say slice.

Colin Jost: Okay, ya, you know what? I think it’s maybe better even just to–

Michael Che: Move on!

Colin Jost: — move on! Yeah. Back to you, Michael.

Michael Che: Thank you.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Slavery Museum at right top corner.]

Let’s get to something less chilling. The first museum in America dedicated entirely to slavery has opened on a form of sugar plantation Louisiana. Said one museum employee, “Help! This ain’t no damn museum!”

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: Good evening everyone.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Police Officer badge on right top corner.]

The State’s Attorney in Baltimore announced Friday that charges would be filed against six police officers in the death of Freddy Grey. It’s a vital and important first step on a path of those officers probably being acquitted.

State of emergency was declared in Baltimore after protest turned into violent rioting but no reported deaths. Meaning, the riots were still far less dangerous than the back seat of a Baltimore police van.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ray Lewis at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former Raven’s linebacker Ray Lewis spoke out against the violence in Baltimore saying, “Violence is not the answer.” Unless of course the question is, “What made Ray Lewis super rich?”

Due to the riot in Baltimore, Wednesday’s Orioles game against the White Sox was close to the public and had zero fans in attendance. Which was probably a good idea since Wednesday was Cal Ripken molotov cocktail day.

[Picture changes to Supreme Court]

During the Supreme Court hearing on the constitutionality of gay marriage, Justice Samuel Alito asked if homosexuals were allowed to marry, what will happen if a group of two men and two women try to apply for marriage license? Well, Sam, I am no legal expert but they’ll probably tell them no, because that’s polygamy and it’s illegal. And also not at all the same thing. So, let’s take to the case at hand and not try to turn this whole thing in some kind of gay word problem. Coz if the gay marriage train Massachusetts at 3 pm, and the traditional marriage train leaves Tennessee at at 6 pm, it doesn’t matter because look around you, everyone’s already on board the gay train.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Apple logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Apple reported earnings of over $194 billion this quarter after the company sold more than 61 million iPhones. And not to be undone, Samsung is also a company.

Virgin Flight

Pilot…Taran Killam

Co-pilot… Pete Davidson

Scarlett Johansson

Venessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Jay Pharoah

Leslie Jones

[Starts with a video clip of a flying airplane]

Pilot: Um, hey there folks. We’ve reached increasing altitude which means I’ll turn off the seat-belt sign. [Cut to four people in the airplane] Welcome aboard our newest jet, the Virgin Dream Liner. [Cut to the cockpit] The seats are softer. There is more leg room. And it’s big and as spacious as your living room. [laughing]

As a special treat, those in first class will enjoy the services of the airline industry’s first fully automated flight attendants.

[Cut to the first class. The door opens and the automated flight attendants walk in.]

Scarlett: Welcome aboard.

Venessa: Thank you for flying Virgin Atlantic.

Pilot: These bionic ladies can do everything a human crew can do [cut to cockpit] except complain that their feet hurt. [laughing]

[Co-pilot shakes his head]

That sounded a little sexist. I certainly did not mean it to. My apologies. Sit back, relax, enjoy the flight.

[Cut to Venessa serving Bobby]

Venessa: Welcome aboard. On your service tablet, you ordered a Sprite. Is that correct?

Bobby: Yeah.

Venessa: I’m having trouble hearing. Can you speak clearly and into my face? My microphone is in my face.

Bobby: [leaning towards Venessa’s face] Yes!

Venessa: Okay. We’re all set. Here’s your Sprite. Happy Halloween.

Bobby: Halloween? It’s May.

Venessa: Good bye!

[Cut to Scarlett serving Aidy]

Scarlett: Hi, on your touch screen under ‘Treat yourself’, you requested one blanket. Would you like me to place one blanket in your hand or in your leg?

Aidy: Um, in my hands please.

Scarlett: I’m sorry. I’m having trouble hearing you. Can you speak clearly and loudly into my face?

Aidy: [standing and leaning towards Scarlett] In my hands.

Scarlett: I’m sorry. One more time.

Aidy: [standing and leaning towards Scarlett] [yelling] Hands, woman! Hands!

Scarlett: Okay, great! Here is your blanket. What will you be for Halloween this year?

Aidy: What?

Scarlett: I’m going as Red riding hood from Into the Woods.

Aidy: Well, it’s not Halloween.

Scarlett: Happy Halloween. Good bye.

[Cut to cockpit]

Pilot: Um, hey there folks. For those of you in first class, you may have noticed that automated flight crew think it’s Halloween. Just a little hiccup in the system. They’re running on last October’s program. Their technology is very advanced but also very new. So, we appreciate your patience.

[Cut to the first class. Scarlett and Venessa are throwing the towels to the passengers.

Scarlett and Venessa: Hot towel. Hot towel. Hot towel. Hot towel.

Venessa: Bien bonito, good bye.

[Cut to the cockpit]

Co-pilot: Um, I think the whole towel thing is happening again.

Pilot: Oh! Hey, there, folks. Sorry for these inconveniences. These girls are a little stubborn much like real women.

Co-pilot: Captain!

Pilot: Yeah, that most definitely was sexist and I truly do apologize. Did not mean it that way at all.

[Cut to Venessa serving Jay]

Venessa: Hello. You ordered 38 boxes of animal crackers. [Jay is shaking his head] Here are your animal crackers.

Jay: Ay, no!

[Venessa starts pouring the boxes on Jay]

I didn’t! I didn’t! I didn’t order no crackers.

[Cut to Bobby using his phone. Scarlett walks to him.]

Scarlett: [takes Bobby’s phone away] Your phone is not on airplane mode. Your phone is not on airplane mode.

Bobby: No, it is. It is.

[Scarlett walks to Aidy]

Scarlett: [picking up Aidy’s purse] Thank you for your trash.

Aidy: Wait! That’s my purse, robot!

[Scarlett walks away]

[Venessa walks up to Leslie]

Venessa: Hello, you indicated on your service tablet that you are a child who is flying alone and scared.

Leslie: No, I didn’t. I’m a grown ass woman.

Venessa: How about a Soda-pop as a special treat?

Leslie: No, I’m good.

[Venessa throws a glass at Leslie then starts pouring the soda on her pants.]

Hey! Man!This is Lane Bryant!

Venessa: Adios Amigo! Good bye.

[Cut to Scarlett and Bobby. Scarlett is making sound on Bobby’s ear.]

Bobby: Are you okay? Okay, I think this one’s broken!

[Cut to Pilot]

Pilot: Um, to all the first class passengers, I’d just like to sincerely apologize on behalf of Virgin. It says here that one of our flight attendants is full on broken. [Cut to Pilot and Venessa. Venessa is sitting on Co-pilot’s seat.] And it also looks like the other one has made her way into the cockpit. Not quite sure what she did to my co-pilot. But, um, while I find out, we’re gonna make an emergency landing in Phoenix, get our ducks in a row. Hey, thanks for flying with us. And happy Halloween. [laughing]

[The End]

Right Side of the Bed with Scarlett Johansson

Cory Chisholm… Taran Killam

Gracelynn Chisholm… Cecily Strong

Daniela Denyada… Scarlett Johansson

Housy Yern… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with WSB/TV ATLANTA video bumper]

Female voice: You’re watching WSB/TV ATLANTA. Up next, it’s Right Side of the Bed.

[Cut to Right Side of the Bed intro]

[Cut to Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm in their set]

Cory Chisholm: Good early to mid-morning you guys.

Gracelynn Chisholm: You’re watching Right Side of the Bed. I’m Gracelynn Chisholm and I’m here with my husband Cory Chisholm, better known as the Mirror Hall.

Cory Chisholm: Oh! Someone’s getting shady right off the back. I look in the mirror to practice my sex faces for you.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Cory! It’s not 6 am, you corny horn dog. Would you chill our?

Cory Chisholm: I can’t help but you’re looking crazy sexy cool today. Come here.

[Cory Chisholm is trying to lick Gracelynn Chisholm]

Gracelynn Chisholm: Oh, my god! Cory, would you stop! You are knocking my bumping back.

Cory Chisholm: I wanna bump it in your back style.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Cory! Girl, bye!

Cory Chisholm: Look at you thinking you’re all NeNe Leakes.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Would you stop snapping please. You guys, it’s Kentucky Derby week and coming up a little bit lighter, we are going to learn how to make a Mint julep with a help of a really great guest.

Cory Chisholm: That’s right. She is the owner of Tiny Bites. It’s a full service catering company.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Now all the way from New Jersey, It’s Daniela Denyada.

[Cut to Daniela Denyada. She is standing behind a table to prepare Mint Julep.]

[cheers and applause]

Daniela Denyada: Hi. I got all my ingredients out so I could start whenever you’re ready.

Cory Chisholm: Oh, there she is. What a sweetie.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Oh, she’s as cute as a bird.

Daniela Denyada: Thank you, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Okay Daniela, we’ll be right back with you in two and half shakes to get that recipe.

Daniela Denyada: Alright. I’ll stay right here.

[Cut to Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm]

Gracelynn Chisholm: Oh, well. I love that accent. She sounds like a talking pizza.

Cory Chisholm: She does. Oh, and I’m excited to learn a new drink coz I’m so tired of fuzzy navels.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Fuzzy navels? Oh, yeah, right. You shave every thing.

Cory Chisholm: Whaaaat?

Gracelynn Chisholm: Yeah, you look like a woman from the waist down.

Cory Chisholm: Well then I guess you’re a lesbian coz you’re bouncing on it err-night.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Cory, please! If you’re just joining us, do not go anywhere coz coming up later, we got Daniela Denyada.

[Cut to Daniela Denyada speaking on the phone]

Daniela Denyada: Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

Cory Chisholm: Oh-oh! Looks like we caught her on her cell phone.

Daniela Denyada: Sorry, hang on. I gotta take this call. He only gets one call, alright?

Man: Where are you?

Daniela Denyada: Somewhere in the south.

Man: What are you doing?

Daniela Denyada: That show on TV, you know, the one with the gay guy and his mom?

[Cut to Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm]

Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm: Whaaaat?

[Cut to Daniela Denyada]

Daniela Denyada: Look, I- I gotta hang up. I love you. Remember that.

Man: Hey, send me 30 pictures.

Daniela Denyada: Later.

[Daniela Denyada hangs up the phone]

Alright, so do I do it now? Or what?

Gracelynn Chisholm: No, not yet Daniela. We’re coming to you real soon there.

Daniela Denyada: Alright, I’ll maintain in this.

[Cut to Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm]

Gracelynn Chisholm: Alright, I can’t wait to taste that cocktail.

Cory Chisholm: Um-hmm. I can only have lil sip coz bourbon makes me frisky.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Oh, Cory! Chillax!

Cory Chisholm: Oh, girlfriend! I’m just like every other testosterone filled man on this planet. We were put here to get that puny.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Oh, my god! After that, I need a drink. And that’s Daniela’s time. She’s coming up.

[Cut to Daniela Denyada]

Daniela Denyada: You ready for me? I already cut the lemons. I’m getting a little agitated here.

[Cut to Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm]

Gracelynn Chisholm: I mean, she’s just as cute as can be.

Cory Chisholm: Um-um, I know. She is as pretty as Rachael Ray was for a short time.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Cory!

Cory Chisholm: What?

Gracelynn Chisholm: She is gorgeous. You are acting like a tired old ignorant queen.

Cory Chisholm: Well, and you love every inch of it, you stutter bug.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Now, you know what you are. You are like a terrier with a dirty butt. I don’t know whether to give you a bath or give you away.

Cory Chisholm: Oh, I think she’s gonna keep me. [barking]

[Daniela Denyada walks in with her cocktails]

Daniela Denyada: I got bored. I made them already alright? Scoot over! Excuse my fingers.

[Daniela Denyada sits on the sofa with Cory Chisholm and Gracelynn Chisholm]

Cory Chisholm: Um, omg, you guys! This is like my favorite sex dream. Two women at once.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Cory!

Cory Chisholm: Hey, if anybody wants to go camping, I’m pitching a family size tent over here.

Daniela Denyada: I see no evidence of that.

Cory Chisholm: I’m just saying. You need a camp fire. I got the wood!

Gracelynn Chisholm: Could you stop it! You only know how to go glamping.

Daniela Denyada: Can we drink these already? So I could get back to Marriott? I left my kids in the pool.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Okay, let’s take a break. Take a break! When we get back, more Derby fun with special guest Housy Yern!

[Cut to Housy Yem. He is playing an electric guitar and guitar.]

How about that y’all? [Cut to Cory Chisholm, Gracelynn Chisholm and Daniela Denyada] He changed the words.

Cory Chisholm: Oh-oh! I think I found a sculpted nail in my drink y’all.

Daniela Denyada: That’s mine.

Cory Chisholm: I’m keeping it.

Gracelynn Chisholm: Alright, we’ll be back you guys.

Daniela Denyada: What’s the deal with you two anyway?

[Ends]

Orioles

Donna Hamilton… Venessa Bayer

Frank Robinson… Kenan Thompson

Jim Palmer… Teran Killam

Amber Theoharris… Scarlett Johansson

Manny Machado… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with TV11 News Baltimore video bumper]

[Cut to Donna Hamilton in her news set]

Donna Hamilton: The mayor’s office continues to urge Baltimore residents to hit all official warnings, and obey curfew laws while riots continue. Finally, an unusual day in baseball as the Orioles decided to proceed with their game against the White Sox without any fans in attendance due to rioting concerns. We go now to that game already in progress.

[Cut to Frank Robinson and Jim Palmer as commentators]

Jim Palmer: Good afternoon. I’m Jim Palmer joined by Oriole’s legend Frank Robinson. What a day for a game, Frank?

Frank Robinson: Thank you, Jim.

[Cut to hotdog seller in an empty audience]

Hotdog seller: Hotdog’s here.

[Cut to Frank Robinson and Jim Palmer]

Frank Robinson: Let’s talk about today’s match-up. White Sox are coming in with two wins in a row but Baltimore has just been on fire this week. I’m sorry for how I said that.

Jim Palmer: I agree with you, Frank. Compare the Orioles now to their series against the Blue Jay’s, Baltimore took an absolute beating from the boys in blue. Don’t know why I called them that. Do not know why. No one has ever called them that.

Frank Robinson: Okay, as always, it’s time for our fans at home to guess the attendants. No idea why we would still do this but here we are.

[Cut to the question board]

Is it A. 45,201, B. 44,620, or C. 31 including the players. [Cut to Frank Robinson and Jim Palmer] Tweet us with your guess. It’s obviously C.

Jim Palmer: Let’s go now with a sidelines reporter, Amber Theoharris. [Cut to Amber Theoharris. There are riot police behind her] Amber, do you think the empty seats are affecting the players?

Amber Theoharris: Well, the stadium’s not completely empty. There is a very heavy police presence. Also different about today’s game, the city of Baltimore is allowing only one bat to be used which is being kept under strict lock and key. Let’s see if we can get a look at it.

[A police comes in with a baseball bat]

Here it is provided by the good people.

[Amber Theoharris hits her own hand with the bat. The bat is soft and making squeaky noises while being hit.]

[The police takes away the bat]

Finally, a reminder to fans that following today’s game Red Hot Chilli Pepper’s bassist Flea is playing a concert. So after the game, Flea. Back to you.

[Cut to Frank Robinson and Jim Palmer]

Frank Robinson: Thank you Amber. And it looks like we’re ready to resume the game.

Jim Palmer: Oh, but bad as Manny Machado still on the men from knee surgery, but we saw him from batting practice and that knee grows stronger everyday.

Frank Robinson: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Jim Palmer: Please excuse me forever. I meant of course his knee gets stronger every day. Certainly did not mean to say knee grows.

[Cut to Manny Machado batting]

Manny Machado: Hey, I can hear you, man!

[Cut to Frank Robinson and Jim Palmer]

Frank Robinson: Yikes, well here’s the pitch.

[The squeaky sound of bat]

Pop fly to center. [gun shot sound] And the ball is shot down by a military drone. That’s confusing.

Jim Palmer: Man, so is this. It’s time for the kiss cam.

[Cut to the kiss cam. There is nobody in the audience. The kiss cam shows two police, so they kiss.]

[Cut to Frank Robinson and Jim Palmer]

Frank Robinson: Wow, they really went for it. Good for them. The kiss cam was sponsored today by a Kingsford charcoal. Kingsford, throw a brick, start a fire.

[Frank Robinson looks around being confused]

Is anybody screening this copy or are you just handing it to us site unseen.

Jim Palmer: For god’s sake, let’s go back to Amber.

[Cut to Amber Theoharris. She is in a train station.]

Amber, where are you?

Amber Theoharris: I’m out the Baltimore Amtrak station. I’m going to Newark where I’ll be safer. Back to you.

[Cut to Frank Robinson and Jim Palmer]

Frank Robinson: Hold that train. I’m coming too.

Jim Palmer: As am I. You’ve been watching Oriole’s baseball.

[Frank Robinson and Jim Palmer storm out.]

[The End]

Mayweather-Pacquiao Cold Open

Michael Buffer… Taran Killam

Floyd Mayweather… Jay Pharoah

Manny Pacquiao… Aidy Bryant

Referee… Kenan Thompson

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: Good evening. As many of you know, tonight’s episode of Saturday Night Live will air concurrently with the Floyd Mayweather/ Manny Pacquio boxing match, an event many are calling: “The Fight of the Century”, “Historic, Once in a Lifetime Television” and “The Moon Landing of Sports”. In fact, right now, many of you are frantically calling your cable company to order it on Pay-Per-View, for the very reasonable cost of “one month’s food.”

Here at NBC, we did everything we possibly could to keep boxing fans glued to our network. At noon, we showed a hockey game. At 4 pm, it was the Kentucky Derby. Then at 7:30, we showed night golf. Not even regular golf- we showed golf played at night. Without a doubt, it was the whitest day in the history of professional sports.

Luckily, one of the guys in our crew knows a guy, who has a friend, who was able to steal the Pay-Per-View signal.

So, at this point, we’re just going to air the Mayweather/Pacquiao fight in it’s entirety. Without further delay, we join the action ringside.

[Cut to Michael Buffer]

Michael Buffer: Ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] Let’s get ready to rumble. In one corner with an undefeated record of 47 and 0 with 27 knockouts, [Cut to Floyd Mayweather in the boxing ring] the reigning walter-weight champion of the world and also the 9th place finisher in 2007’s Dancing With the Stars, Floyd Money Mayweather.

[Cut to Michael Buffer]

And in the other corner with the record of 57 wins with 38 knockouts, the pride of Philippines, [Cut to Manny Pacquiao in the boxing ring] Manny Pacman Pacquiao.

Male voice: Warning: Because this is a pirated broadcast of the fight, some of the visuals may appear distored. For example, Floyd Mayweather may appear slightly taller, while Manny Pacquiao may appear to be a white woman with a fake goatee and a t-shirt.

[Cut to Referee]

Referee: The both opponents, touch gloves.

[Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao comes in and touch gloves]

Okay, you know the rules. No holding, no hitting below the belt. Also, you both pretty old. They calling this the ‘Fight of the Century’ but only because your combined ages are 100. Don’t push too hard, understood?

Floyd Mayweather: Yeah.

Referee: Manny?

Manny Pacquiao: Si senor.

Referee: [whispering to Manny Pacquiao] Um, yeah, he doesn’t speak Spanish. He’s from the Philippines.

Manny Pacquiao: Yeah, okay.

Referee: Okay, that’s worse. Also, there are ton of celebrities here tonight. So, if you knock down your opponent, go to your neutral corner and have a casual drink with Mark Wahlberg and P. Diddy. If you’re the one who gets knocked down, I will count to 10 very slowly. Try to drag this fight out. I may repeat the number six several times. I might also make up the number normth. During that time, Justin Biebe will be allowed in the ring and he will do a very condescending in your direction. Are you ready Justin?

[Cut to Justin Bieber]

Justin Bieber: Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

I was born ready, y’all! I was also born premature.

[Cut to Floyd Mayweather, Referee and Manny Pacquiao in the ring]

Referee: Alright, you heard the man. Now, when you hear the bell, let’s have a fight.

[bell ringing]

[Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao are acting like they’re boxing.]

Male voice: We apologize to viewers who are shocked by the violent intensity of tonight’s fight. This is what happens when you air raw footage from a real boxing match. It’s brutal to watch, but there’s also a strange beauty to it. Two graceful warriors locked together until the bitter…[Floyd Mayweather and Referee look at the time and leave the ring]

Okay, at this point, two of our actors Kenan Thompson and Jay Pharoah, have left the sketch to watch the actual fight in Wiz Khalifa’s dressing room.

[Manny Pacquiao is dancing alone in the ring]

So let’s just say Manny Pacquiao won. There’s no reason to change the channel.

Manny Pacquiao: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!