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Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of Michael Jordan.]

Michael Che: Still scares the hell out of me. This year, Michael Jordan was added to Forbes magazine’s list of billionaires. Forbes also added Scotty Pittman to their list of people who sell [Picture changes to Scott Pittman showing the Forbes magazine] Forbes Magazine.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Justin Bieber on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Justin Bieber this week turned 21 years old but his mustache thinks he turned 13.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Potential republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson, a neurosurgeon said this week that homosexuality is a choice because many people go to prison straight and when they come out, they’re gay. Kind of like how in that last sentence, Dr. Carson went in as a neurosurgeon and came out as a complete idiot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dr. Ben Carson, a neurosurgeon said this week that homosexuality is a choice. Carson made the comments to himself over and over in the men’s locker room.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dr. Ben Carson, a candidate for president said that homosexuality is a choice. Unfortunately for him, so are elections.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Sorry. I guess we were piling on a little bit there.

Michael Che: A little bit.

Colin Jost: This just ends. Dr. Ben Carson, [Picture changes to Dr. Ben Carson] a candidate for president is no longer candidate for president.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of marijuana and cop car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Doctor– No, I’m just kidding. [audience laughing] Police in Nebraska arrested a man for marijuana possession after discovering the drug in his car inside a container that was marked, “Not weed”. It was marked “Not weed”. The police pulled him in over after he sped by their car which was also marked “Not police”. [Picture changes to a car that looks exactly like a cop car but it has ‘Not Police’ written on it.]

[Picture changes to a bottle.]

Scientists have discovered a 170 years old beer in a shipwreck off the coast of Finland, opened two of the bottles and drank them. At which point they made another discovery, they’re both alcoholics.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paxil medicine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a new study, the anti-depressant Paxil may also be capable of treating heart disease. Which explains Paxil’s new slogan, “Paxil, maybe this is what it does?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a little boy at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, about fifteen% of two year olds in Boston drink as much as four ounces of coffee a day. But Boston kids need that coffee to help them get through their hangovers.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: You know, I like that joke. I feel like you get all the fun jokes.

Michael Che: Oh, stop it.

Colin Jost: No, I’m serious. Sometimes I wish I could do your jokes instead.

Michael Che: Alright. You can take my next one if you want to.

Colin Jost: You sure? You don’t mind?

Michael Che: I don’t care.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a scale at left top corner.]

A new report reveals that the average length of a man’s flaccid penis is 36 inches.

Michael Che: Wait a minute.

Colin Jost: 3.6. I never saw this before. 3.6, that’s more reasonable. [audience laughing] A guy can dream.

[Michael Che laughing hard]

Michael Che: See? My jokes are harder to read. [laughing]

Colin Jost: And, let me just say, as a man with extremely small penis– okay.

Michael Che: No, no. Keep going, keep going.

Colin Jost: I feel very bad for myself and my tinsy winsy peensy.

[Michael Che laughing hard]

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That was great job, man.

Colin Jost: Yeah, thanks man. I don’t even understand. How is that even a joke?

Michael Che: Well, its a joke when I read it because I don’t have a tiny penis.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a rat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s 36 inches.

Michael Che: It was. [Michael Che laughing hard.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that New York city rats contain flees that are capable of transmitting bubonic plague. It’s a rare black eye for the otherwise sterling reputation of the flees of New York city rats.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: What’s up, everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Department of Justice logo at right top corner.]

According to a Justice Department report on Ferguson police, African American’s make up 93% of all arrest in the city. 93%? That is high. It’s only 92% in Nigeria. 93% means, if 92 people get arrested in Ferguson, 9 of them are black and one of them is kind of beige. I wanna know what did the 7% of white people get arrested for? What was it? Not arresting enough black people?

The review found that 88% of the cases involving the use of force were against African Americans. Black residents say they found the police report almost as shocking as they found the police tasers.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Hillary Clinton tweeted this week that she has asked the State Department to release all of her emails from her years as Secretary of State. No word yet on the identity of the lucky individual who has to read through 50,000 emails from a grandma. I’m just excited because based on the emails I get from my grandma, there’s gonna be some pretty interesting stuff about Obama.

[Picture changes to an email where subject is as “FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: KENYAN:”.]

[Picture changes to Benjamin Netanyahu]

This week, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu came to address congress about the threat from Iran. And he left as the front runner for the 2016 republican nomination.

[Picture changes to an airplane]

A Delta airplane skidded off a snowy runway while landing at New York’s Laguardia airport slamming through a fence and almost falling into the bay. But the good news is, [Picture changes to a pilot with a glass of whiskey] the pilot didn’t even spill his drink. Afterwards, passengers were safely removed from the airplane, at which point Delta charged them $45 crash survival fee.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bill Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The artist who painted Bill Clinton’s official portrait revealed that he painted a shadow in the shape of the dress to represent affairs with Monica Lewinsky. Also, it’s suttle, but if you look very closely at the painting, you can see that Clinton is not wearing pants.

The House with Chris Hemsworth

Chase… Beck Bennett

Eric… Chris Hemsworth

Bryan… Kyle Mooney

Taran Killam

[Starts with Chase and Eric watching a movie]

Chase: Man, what a good movie.

Eric: Yeah.

Chase: You done ordering some food?

Eric: eah, I’m gonna go and take a shower. So, let’s pick somewhere to eat when I get back.

Chase: Cool. I’ll look through some menus.

[Eric leaves and Chase is gong through some menus]

[Bryan walks in]

Bryan: Hey, man. I’m gonna pick up some groceries. I thinking of making dinner tonight.

[Cut to Chase being shocked]

[Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: This is the first time I’ve heard anything about Bryan wanting to get groceries. I might have to tell him that Eric and I are planning on ordering food.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan]

Chase: Eric and I are planning on ordering food.

[Cut to Bryan being shocked.]

[Cut to Chase]

Would you wanna get in on that?

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Wait, Eric and Chase are ordering food? Now I’m thinking I wanna order food too. I’m really confused.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan]

Bryan: Hey, man. We need to talk.

Chase: Yeah. What’s up?

Bryan: I was thinking about ordering that food stuff. And I think– I think I definitely wanna order food with you guys.

Chase: Nice.

[Chase and Bryan hug each other]

[Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: Wow! It’s cool to have somebody in the house that I can finally be myself around.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan]

Chase: Cool if I put my feet up?

Bryan: No problem. Just be yourself.

[Chase puts his feet up on the table.]

[Eric walks in]

Eric: Hey, Chase. I’m out of the shower and ready to decide where to order from.

[Eric looks at Chase and Bryan and become shocked.]

Wait, Bryan?

[Cut to Chase and Bryan. They both stand up.]

[Cut to Eric narrating]

Eric narrating: Bryan wasn’t in the living room when I went to take a shower. And now he is? I gotta get to the bottom of this.

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Someone wanting to explain to me what’s going on?

[Cut to Chase and Bryan. Chase stands.]

Chase: Eric, something happened when you were in the shower.

[Cut to replay of what happened when Eric was not there in black and white.]

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Hold up. Earlier, I talked to Chase about getting dinner. Bryan, now you wanna order food too?

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Dude!

[Cut to Bryan]

Bryan: Yeah!

[Cut to Eric narrating]

Eric narrating: Is this actually happening right now?

[Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: Welcome to the house.

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Wait, wait. I gotta think about this.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan waiting for the answer.]

Bryan, you step forward please.

[Bryan steps forward.]

[Cut to Eric]

I admire you told me the truth. But you said that you wanted to get groceries. And then you changed your mind. Now, I’m not sure I can trust you.

[Cut to Bryan nodding his head.]

Chase, you step forward please.

[Chase steps forward.]

That’s too far. back.

[Chase steps a bit backward.]

To the right a little bit.

[Chase steps right]

[Cut to Eric]

That’s good. Now, you were one of the first people that I decided to order food with, but I’ve questioned your loyalty ever since you cheated on the midnight endurance challenge.

[Cut to midnight endurance challenge. All three of them are standing on logs carrying buckets on the both sides. Chase kicks Eric and Eric falls down.]

[Cut to Chase narrating]

Chase narrating: Oh, no! Eric fell?

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: This is tough.

[Taran walks in. He is wearing a nice suit.]

Taran: Eric. One person has to leave the house tonight. It’s time to make your decision. Who is it going to be?

[suspense music playing]

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: The person who has to leave…

[Cut to Chase and Bryan looking at each other.]

the house tonight… is…

[Cut to Eric]

me. I’m going to grocery store and I’m gonna make dinner for everyone.

[Cut to Chase and Bryan getting angry and vandalizing the house]

Male voice: Coming up on “So you think you can live with Brina?”

[Cut to Bryan narrating]

Bryan narrating: Eric’s dinner sucked so he had one last chance to secure the spot in the hosue.

[Cut to Eric singing]

Eric: Five, six, seven, eight…

[singing] You’re making me believe–

[Cut to Chase and Bryan. They are the judges.]

Chase: No.

Bryan: No.

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: Fu–[bleep]

Spaceship

Ancent… Cecily Strong

Lieutenant Jericho… Chris Hemsworth

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a clip of space ship]

Male voice: The year 3041. After a difficult journey across hyperspace, the crew of the S.S. Orion find their safety compromised by the actions of reckless captain.

[Cut to inside the space ship]

Ancent: Lieutenant Jericho, we have to do something about captain. She’s out of control.

Jericho: What is it Ancent, do you have problems taking orders from someone who isn’t a human?

Ancent: Of course not. I don’t care what species she is. But her decision to make that last hyperjump could have abruptly damaged the ship.

Jericho: She is in command and you need to accept that.

Sasheer: Captain Bulay’s on the bridge.

[Everyone turns to the door and salutes]

[The door opens. Captain is a chicken.]

[Cut to Ancent and Jericho]

[The chicken makes chicken noise]

Jericho: Yes, captain! Right away.

Ancent: Jericho, just promise to speak to her. She’s acting erratically.

Jericho: It’s not that simple.

[Cut to the chicken sitting on a captain chair.]

[Cut to everybody]

[The chicken makes chicken noise]

Jericho: Okay, you heard her. Take us into the Zeta-quadrant.

Sasheer: That’s suicide. It’s full of Trulithian mines.

Jericho: Set the course.

Sasheer: Yes, lieutenant.

Kenan: That’s certain death.

Ancent: This madness has to stop. I’m turning us around.

[chicken noise]

[Cut to Ancent walks to the chicken]

No, this has nothing to do with you being a chicken and us being humans, okay? We have been a good crew to you.

[chicken noise]

I am very aware. The chickens have evolved into a higher intelligent species than humans. I am fine with that.

[chicken noise]

What did you call me?

Jericho: No, no. Take that back Emily. Take that back. For god’s sake, this isn’t like you.

[Ancent looks at Jericho in shock]

Ancent: Emily? Oh, I see. How long have you two?

Jericho: Two years. Ever since academy.

[Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: I knew he was dating that chicken. I just knew it.

[Cut to the chicken and Jericho]

Jericho: Okay, Emily. Look at me. Please, please, look at me. Just turn your head this way. That’s it, that’s it. I’ll give you a hand, look at me. Okay, don’t look at me. Just give me your hand. Okay, don’t worry. Listen, I remember the first time I saw you. You were sitting at the bar by yourself. eating pizza. And I said, “Dang, little thing like you couldn’t possibly finish off that pie by herself.” But eight hours later, you probed me wrong.

[chicken noise]

Ha-ha-ha. There’s that laugh I love. Come on! Come on! Hey, hey. Let’s tun this ship around.

[ship alarm goes off]

[Cut to everybody]

Sasheer: Captain, the chord’s over heated. Probability of melt down is 82%.

Kenan: We have to get to the escape pod.

Jericho: No, no. Wait, we’ll never it to the pods. They’re all the way over that way.

[chicken noise]

No, do not even say that. Don’t even suggest that.

[chicken noise]

Sasheer: She’s right. She’s the only one who can fix the chord.

Jericho: Why does it have to be her? I could do it.

Ancent: No, Jericho, you’re too big. You’ll never fit inside. Let her go. It’s the only chance we have.

[chicken noise]

Jericho: Okay, okay. Emily, okay. [Cut to Jericho and the chicken] Com here. [chicken noise] I know, I know. Listen, once you enter the core, you’re gonna have 20 seconds to repair it and get the hell out of there. alright? You get out of there, alright? I love you.

[Jericho puts the chicken inside an oven.]

Ancent: Good luck in there.

[Cut to the chicken inside the over.]

[Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: It’s working. She’s doing it. She’s doing everything she’s supposed to do.

Sasheer: Course stabilized. We’re going to be okay.

[Cut to Ancent and Jericho]

Jericho: Okay, Emily, you did it. Now get out of there.

Ancent: Jericho, she can’t. There’s no handle on the inside.

Jericho: Well, I’ll just open it.

Ancent: No! There’s too much radiation. She knew that going in. She sacrificed herself for us.

[The oven timer sound beeps]

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: She’s done.

[Cut to Ancent and Jericho. Jericho is very emotional.]

[Ancent opens the oven and takes out the roast on a plate.]

Jericho: Can I… Can I have a moment with her please?

Ancent: Of course. But, then we’re gonna eat her, okay? Because she smells so good. And she was such a bitch.

[Sasheer and Kenan walk in. They have napkins on their collars ready to eat.]

Kenan: Except at the very end of course, so noble. [Kenan pokes the roast with the fork] And cooked to perfection!

[cheers and applause]

Movie Set

Trice, Amanda… Kate McKinnon

Bob… Chris Hemsworth

Rod… Kenan Thompson

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Trice looking at the rain outside the window. Bob walks to Trice and holds her.]

Trice: We can’t do this. [Cut to Trice and Bob] You have to go.

Bob: Wait, why are you pushing me away? Is it because of my wife?

Trice: Your wife? No. It’s just that I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt.

Bob: Hey, what’s wrong, Amanda? Let me help you.

Trice: No, you you can’t. I’m dying.

Bob: You’re dying?

Rod: Cut!

[Cut to Rod, Trice and Bob]

Rod: Good! Good job you guys. Good. The first take, Bob and Trice.

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Bob: Thank you. Thank you. So, Rod, did you have any tips for us?

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: It wasn’t very good. So, how do we make it better? How can I help you get there emotionally? Oh, I know. I have a little trick that I used to tell the actors back in my youth when I was acting coach in the Jeffers-son’s.

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Trice: The Jefferson’s.

[Cut to Rod, Trice and Bob]

Rod: Yes! On the Jeffers-son’s, it was so clear where each character was acting emotionally at all times.

Bob: Well, it’s an old sitcome, right? I can’t really say that I’ve ever seen his fire. I don’t know.

Rod: Well, let me show you what I mean. [Bob stands] When you hear that she’s dying, we need to see that moment sink in. React! And then snap it shut like a coin purse. Let me show you. Trice, could you feed me your line?

Trice: Yes, sure. [acting] I’m dying.

[Cut to Bob and Rod. Rod rotates his head a couple of times.]

Rod: [yelling] Dying? Did you see what I did?

Bob: Yeah. I did. Um, I don’t get it.

Rod: Well, let me break it down for you. It’s pretty easy. She says ‘dying’. Then you tuck your chin. Move your face down and around on a count of three. And then you come up and you shake it. And then you say, “Daaaaa-yin?” Okay? Let’s try one.

[Cut to Trice, Bob and Rod. Sasheer comes in with clapboard.]

Sasheer: Love Unfair, scene 8, take two.

[Rod and Sasheer walk out]

Rod: Take it from the couch… and action!

[Cut to Trice and Bob acting]

Bob: Why are you pushing me away? Is it because of my wife?

Trice: Your wife? No. It’s just that I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt.

Bob: Hey, tell me what’s wrong, Amanda. Let me help.

Trice: [crying] You can’t. I’m dying.

[Bob rotates his head a couple of times.]

Bob: [yelling] Dying?

Rod: Great! Cut!

[Rod walks in]

Oh, that was it. Did that not feel better?

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Bob: Ah! How long were you an acting coach on the Jefferson’s for?

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: One day. One very long day. But this is all good. Let’s keep going. [Cut to Rod, Trice an Bob] Now, Trice, you can do this too. [Cut to Rod and Bob] When he tells you that he has a wife, that should come as very big news.

Trice: No, no. My character knows that he is married. She knew it from the beginning.

Rod: Oh, yes. But now it’s really sinking in. So, let me show you. Snap that moment shut like this. Bob, what is your cue?

[Cut to Rod, Trice and Bob]

Bob: Um, is it because of my wife?

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: [Rod makes noises] Pa-pa-tsk-tsk-ki! Your wife?

[Cut to Rod and Trice]

Trice: I’m not doing that.

Rod: Well, of course you will make it your own. But it’s really easy. He says ‘wife’. You let your eyes go down the drain. And then you say “phrph-phu-tik-phu-phu” three times. And then you shake your face. And then snap it shut like a pair of snap phone. Okay? Let’s try it.

[Cut to Trice, Bob and Rod. Sasheer comes in with clapboard.]

Sasheer: Love Unfair, scene 8, take three.

[Rod and Sasheer walk out]

Rod: And action!

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Trice: We can’t do this, you have to go.

Bob: Hey, why- why are you pushing me away? Is it because of my wife?

Trice: [shaking her head] Ta-Pa-pa-tsk-tsk-ki. Your wife? No. It’s just that I- I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt.

Bob: Hey, wh- what’s wrong, Amanda? Let me help you.

Trice: [crying] You can’t. I’m dying.

[Bob rotates his head a couple of times.]

Bob: [yelling] Dying?

[stops acting]

This feel very weird.

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: Well, well, it doesn’t. Look it. It’s really coming together, you guys. But honestly, I think we can go a little bigger on the ‘your wife’. I think something like, “Pa-pa-tsk-tsk-ki-phrph-phu-tik-phu-phu. [yelling] Your wife?” I mean, what do you guys think?

[Cut to the set. The actors are gone.]

Wait, are they gone?

Sasheer: Yeah. Yeah.

Rod: So, they already got all of their stuff and they aren’t on the lot anymore?

Sasheer: Uh-huh.

Rod: Why?

Sasheer: They quit.

Rod: Bt-ti-ga-sh-ga-ti. [yelling] They quit? You see? It works.

[Sasheer looks impressed]

It just works.

Iggy Azalea show

Iggy Azalea… Kate McKinnon

TI… Jay Pharoah

Azealia Banks… Sasheer Zamata

Rafty Drans… Chris Hemsworth

[Starts with Iggy Azalea show intro]

Male voice: It’s the Iggy Azalea show.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea in her set]

Iggy Azalea: Guys, welcome. Welcome to the show. I’m Iggy Azalea. Thank you all sory much. I like, can’t even believe you’re here for like, little Aussie me. Like, who even am I?

[music playing]

[rapping] I tell you who I am, see y’all murder been,
tear it up dirty m* you’re my witness
tick tock on the clock as I’m big in bitches
bang bang go to sound on me clipping bitches

You know what I mean? I don’t know. Oh, I love you guys so much. So much. And speaking of love, let me introduce my producer and rap daddy TI

[Cut to TI.]

TI: Nah, nah, nah. That is absolutely correctly. I created her. She’s my frank and fine, Ay!

[Cut to Iggy Azalea]

Iggy Azalea: Oh, my god! I love you so much. TI, isn’t rap so fun? And you know what else is fun? Feuds. I’m in a new feud errday. So, my first guest is one of my top feud friends, fellow rapper, Azealia Banks.

[Azelia Banks dances to the set. Iggy Azalea dances with her.]

Azelia Banks: No, no, no, no! That’s mine.

Iggy Azalea: Cool. Okay. Azealia, welcome. Oh, my god. You’re so mad at me. Our feud is so hiphop.

Azelia Banks: I came here because I was told that you were gonna apologize to me.

Iggy Azalea: Okay, how’s this for an apology then?

[rapping] click clack popping cap

Azelia Banks: [interrupting] No, no, no! No!

Iggy Azalea: Okay. Great!

[Cut to Azelia Banks]

Azelia Banks: Look, I’m over this feud. And I called you a poser or whatever, but I want to bury the hatchet. And… wait, did you just put my hat on your head?

[Cut to Iggy Azalea. She is wearing the same hat as Azelia Banks.]

Iggy Azalea: What? Oh, my god! I didn’t even realize. Now, we’re twinsies!

[Cut to Azelia Banks]

Azelia Banks: I am no one’s twinsie.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea and Azelia Banks]

Iggy Azalea: Azealia, you’re so funny. Okay, not it’s time for my second guest. He’s my cool older cousin and my hiphop mentor, Rafty Drans.

[Rafty Drans walks in dancing]

Rafty Drans: Yeah! Gand-bang boomerang! Thanks everyone for having me.

Iggy Azalea: Oh, my god. Isn’t he cute little handfull of hiphop?

Rafty Drans: Stop it. You’re making me blush all over.

Iggy Azalea: Rafty taught me everything I know about hiphop and today he’s joining me in the segment called tip-hops.

[Cut to TI]

TI: Tip-hops! Hiphop tips!

[Cut to Iggy Azalea and Rafty Drans]

Rafty Drans: That’s right, that’s right. So, tip hop number one, guns. When you don’t know what to do when you rap, just make a gun sound like this. “Bang bang, click clack, tip tip.” That’s a tiny gun.

Iggy Azalea: Don’t use a real gun. Safety first, guys.

Rafty Drans: Yeah.

Iggy Azalea: Tip hop number two, lists. Every good rap has a list of cool things. So, right now, Rafty, me and Azealia are going to create a whole new rap for you by making a list.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea, Rafty Drans and Azelia Banks]

Azelia Banks: I am not doing that.

Iggy Azalea: Okay, cool. Just Rafty and I then. TI, hit the beats.

[music playing]

[rapping] Gold chain, paper cranes,
stuck up hundred horsy men

Rafty Drans: Man haters, sweet potatoes
bang bang like a lang

[Cut to TI]

TI: All day! Rafty put a gun sound in his list. Respect.

[Cut to Iggy Azalea, Rafty Drans and Azelia Banks]

Rafty Drans: Tip hop number three. When your mouth gets tired of rapping, let your booty do the talking.

[music playing. Iggy Azalea stands up and starts twerking.]

Iggy Azalea: Azealia, do you like how I dance?

Azelia Banks: No.

Rafty Drans: Like how I dance?

[Rafty Drans starts twerking at Azelia Banks’s face]

Azelia Banks: A little bit.

[music stops]

Iggy Azalea: Okay, we’re almost at a time, but before we go, I wanna debut a new track. It’s about where I came from. My roots. This song is called “Money Ass”. Play the track.

[music playing]

[rapping] money ass
got that ass, got that money
got that money ass
signing checks out them jeans

Rafty Drans: Bang, bang!

Iggy Azalea: You could take that ass to the bank
and buy my ass with it
that money ass.

Right? I think that was a pretty decent rap. That’s all the time we have. I love you guys so much. Bye.

Hillary Clinton Cold Open

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon.

[Starts with an intro video]

Announcer: And now a message from Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton sitting on a sofa in her house]

Hillary Clinton: Good evening. Hello. I’m Hillary Clinton. Tonight, I’m speaking to you not as secretary of state or as a senator, or as a first lady. But as a relatable woman on a couch. Hello!

[laughing]

Recently, it was revealed that while I was secretary of state, I did not use a government email. I used a personal one leading many to believe I was hiding scandalous or incriminated emails. And to those people, I’d like to say, nice try! Those emails are clean as a whistle. This is not how Hillary Clinton goes down. I mean, what did you think my email said? “Hi, it’s Hillary. I really screwed on Benghazi today.” Please! [laughing]

I wasn’t born yesterday. I was born 67 years ago and I have been planning on being president ever since. There will be no mistakes in my rise to the top. If I decide to run, who knows? I might not. As you can see, I’m just relaxing at home. [laughing]

But to prove I’ve done nothing wrong, I’ve ordered the state department to release every email I ever sent while in office. So, go ahead! Read em’! You won’t find Jack riding my squat. My work emails are professional and my emails with friends are innocent and fun. Like, this one. A friend wrote to me…

[Cut to an email her friend sent to her]

“Hey girl, still up for a movie tonight? I heard that new Bradley Cooper one is hot. What do you want to see?”

And I responded with…

[Cut to her response]

“I want to see myself as President of the United States of America.”

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

See? Just fun woman talk. [laughing]

And the emails to Bill, the only thing you’ll dig up is a little bit of mature romance. Take a look at this sexy email I sent him on our anniversary.

[Cut to an email she sent to her husband]

“Dear Sir or Madam, Congratulations on your continued marital success. I would like to schedule a sit-down at your earliest convenience. Regards, The Office of Hillary Clinton.”

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Ooh! But I’m not stopping at email. You wanna check my Netflix? Go ahead. Nothing to hide. Everyday I watch ‘House of Cards’ from start to finish. I jog in place while watching it like I’m in a Rocky training montage.

You wanna see my private Instagram account? Sure! You’ll find nothing but fun, innocent, carefree pics. Here I am having a blast on a roller coaster.

[Cut to a photoshopped picture where Hillary Clinton is using her mobile phone wearing a formal outfit on a roller coaster]

Here’s me soaking up some sun.

[Cut to a photoshopped picture where Hillary Clinton is using her mobile phone on a beach.]

Just a fun beach babe contemplating what her first 10 thousand moves as a President would be. [Cut to Hillary Clinton] If I run, who know? I am! But after all this, if people still want someone like Elizabeth Warren to fun instead, god bless Elizabeth. Lizzy! I love you, girl. We need more women like you. But it’s not your time. It’s mmm-my time. I have wanted to be president since before I was born. You think I’m joking? Here’s the proof.

[Cut to an ultrasound picture of a baby with ‘Hillary 2008’ sign.]

It’s a little off on the year but who can blame me? My brain was just a little spec. [laughing] What a relatable laugh. And finally tonight, I want to address that pesky media who’s really crawling up and under that skin of mine, camera two zoom in, [camera starts zooming] I have survived everything that’s been thrown at me. Benghazi, White water, the blue dress, having the maiden name Rod Ham, and none of that destroyed me. Music in. [music playing] So, after this little blip, I shall rise again from the ashes like a phoenix… nae, like a Hillary Clinton. And I will ascend to high office of president and claim my rightful place in history… [music stops] if I choose to run. I don’t know. [audience laughing] I’m so iffy on the whole thing. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Empire Promo

Lucious… Kenan Thompson

Cookie… Sasheer Zamata

Chip… Chris Hemsworth

Jay Pharoah

Michael Che

Leslie Jones

[Starts with a show promo]

Male voice: Empire, the television phenomenon returns this week with all your favorite characters. Lucious.

[Cut to Lucious]

Lucious: This is my kingdom. And as long as I am alive, it will stand. Also, I’m dying.

Male voice: And Cookie

[Cut to Cookie]

Cookie: I spent 17 years in jail and I haven’t aged a day!

[Cut to the clips of New York city]

Male voice: Empire has already taken black America by storm. But what about white America? We’ve got you covered. This week, we introduce a new character. Chip.

[Cut to Chip]

Chip: Hi everyone.

[Cut to a meeting room filled with black people]

[Cookie looking pissed off]

[Cut to Lucious and Chip]

Lucious: He’s gonna be our new office manager.

Chip: Does anyone actually do any work around here? [laughing]

[Cut to Cookie throws a can of coke at Chip]

[Cut to Chip]

Chip: I’m just saying, my name’s Chip.

[Cut to Cookie]

Cookie: Take a dip, Chip!

Male voice: Drama, we’ve got it!

[Cut to Jay]

Jay: Dad, I love Hiphop. And I’m gay. Poof!

[Cut to Lucious]

Lucious: What the hell is poof?

Male voice: Ground breaking music. You bet!

[Cut to Michael in a studio rapping]

Michael: [rapping] drip drop
drip dripiddy drop
what the hell am I saying?
the hell am I saying? Seriously!

Male voice: If that’s not enough, now we’ve got a white dude.

[Cut to Chip clapping]

[Cut to Lucious’s family argument]

Lucious: Ay! Look, I was a good father to you.

[Cut to Jay and Cookie]

Cookie: No, you weren’t. When he was 9, you picked him up, put him in the trash can and put the lid on it.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Damn! That kid was trashed or something?

[Cut to Chip]

Chip: Wow, this is my first day. This is fun.

[Cut to Jay and Michael]

Jay: I’m burning the whole world up. My own brother tried to kill me.

[Cut to Chip]

Chip: Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt. Do you mind signing this card? It’s Cookie’s birthday. [Jay and Michael are staring at him angrily] Okay. Go empire!

[Chip leaves]

[Cut to Michael and Cookie. Michael is using cellphone while Cookie is talking to him.

Cookie: Look at me while I’m talking to you. I sacrificed everything for this family.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: You want a medal, bitch?

[Cut to Cookie]

Cookie: I want some respect!

[Cookie gets a broom stick and starts hitting Michael]

Michael: Ae! Ae! Ah! Ah!

[Chip walks in with a card and balloons. He sees Michael hitting Cookie so he walks away quietly.]

[Cut to Chip and Leslie. In the office behind the, the family is quarreling.]

Chip: Um, just one question. You’ve turned in an expense report but there were no receipts with it.

Leslie: Yeah, I got the receipts right here.

Chip: Great, thank you.

[Leslie pulls her middle finger out of her bag.]

[Cut to Empire video bumper]

Male voice: Empire, now with something for everyone!

[Cut to Jay and Michael]

Jay: You set me up!

[Cut to Lucious’s family argument]

Chip: Guys, guys, guys. This meeting was supposed to be about Email Adecco.

[Cut to Cookie beating up Chip in the meeting hall with a broom stick.]

Cookie: I’m not going back to jail.

[Chip runs away]

Male voice: Wednesdays on Fox.

Dolce & Gabbana

Brecky… Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Don Juan… Chris Hemsworth

[Starts with Brecky in her set of the commercial]

[slow music playing]

Brecky: Marvelous.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Magnificance.

[Cut to Brecky]

Brecky: Ramjor.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Spectacu-lable.

[Cut to Brecky and Cecily]

Brecky and Cecily: The impossi-ves. [The subtitle reads Dolce&Gabbana] Dolki and Gababa.

Cecily: All this attractiveness of a debolutating fragrace.

Brecky: You’re gonna feel like a $7.

Brecky and Cecily: With Dolki and Gababa.

Brecky: Hi, we aren’t porn stars anymore. I am Brecky.

Cecily: And I’m supposed to be dead.

Brecky and Cecily: Shhh!

Brecky: And we’re not porn stars anymore. But that doesn’t mean we can’t smell a great deal when we snort it off of mirror.

[Don Juan comes in a scooter]

Don Juan: Did someone say, “What’s that smell?”

Brecky and Cecily: No, no, no. Please go.

Don Juan: Nope?

[Don Juan leaves]

Brecky: Other perfumes are just for breeze and fancy jars. Adios sea ghost!

Cecily: I rimmed a donkey.

Brecky: Dolki Gababa is like obsession by Kevin Klein. But you can drink it. And it’s perfect for occasions like, disappearance.

Cecily: Old person.

Brecky: Mistress at funeral.

Cecily: House warming porno.

Brecky: And, disease free for now.

Cecily: I’ll guarantee it, you’ll feel like you’re as wealthy as the salt in brown eye.

Brecky: You’ll think you’re one of the royals like Kate Middleton. Plus, it’s got– what’s that thing when you press it and it sprays out?

Cecily: Prostate.

Brecky: No. It holds all the liquid.

Cecily: Mouth.

Brecky: Bottle.

Cecily: Oh, right. Bottle.

[Don Juan comes in a scooter]

Don Juan: Did someone say, “What’s that smell?”

Brecky and Cecily: Not yet. Please go.

[Don Juan leaves]

With Dolki Gababa.

Cecily: One time, I got banged back in time. And a cave man banged me back to the future. I was like, “I guess I can save 15% more. Thanks, lizard.

Brecky: One time, I thought I banged Julius Caesar, but it was actually little Ceasars. Pizza, pizza!

Cecily: One time, I got banged to the kite on top of a building during lightning storm. I was like, “Hey, you’re not bumping them. Okay.”

[Don Juan passes by in a scooter]

Don Juan: Did someone say, “What’s that smell?”

Brecky and Cecily: Where did he go?

[Don Juan comes in]

Cecily: Come in.

Don Juan: Hey there. I’m Don Juan Dar Dark Hole. Now, I’m American but after my manhood was torn off in a recumbent bicycle, they had to replace it with wiener from a Spanish dude. But relax, he was already dead. Now, I speak English but my downstairs neighbor, he speaks ‘I-blow-a-espanol’. So get this, I can do bilingual pornos such as Spanklish, Penis Labyrinth, Pricky Christina Bone-Alone-A, and Y Tu Mama Y Tu Papa Y tu circus clown Amigo Tambien.

Cecily: Tell em’ about the price.

Brecky: Yes.

Don Juan: Oh, right, right. Yeah. So, trust me, having some none original parts down there, I know about the importance of hygiene. And that’s why I reach for [subtitle reads Dolce&Gabbana] Douche and Go-banana. It’s like a senate candle for your sweaty mandle. Or an oat eater for your special little Peter.

Cecily: No, no, no, no.

Brecky: Stop it.

Don Juan: So, grab some Douche and Go-bananas today. So, when your special someone asks, “Hey, what’s that smell?” you can tell them.

Brecky and Cecily: It’s something dying in me.

Brecky, Don Juan and Cecily: Dolki Gababa.

Chris Hemsworth Monologue

Chris Hemsworth

Liam Hemsworth

Luke Hemsworth

Callum Hemsworth… Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Mum… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris.

[Chris walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Chris: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. This is incredible. The last time I was on live TV was when I did Australia’s version of “Dancing With The Stars.” Yep, that’s true. Um, but most likely, tonight will be even more embarrassing than that. Probably my biggest role that I’ve been implying and you would know me from is Thor. [cheers and applause] I’ve played Thor in four different movies. Thor 1, Thor 2, The Avengers and Gone Girl.

Now, I’m not the only actor in my family. I have brothers. Two of them. Three of them, maybe. Four, I don’t know. But they’re actors as well. So, if it was okay, I thought I would bring them out and share this moment.

[Liam and Luke Hemsworth walk in]

[cheers and applause]

I’m sorry. Almost forgot. I have a brother, Callum.

[Callum walks in]

Callum: Alright. Good day.

[cheers and applause]

Chris: Look at this. It’s the four Hemsworth brothers.

Callum: [speaking in fake Australian accent] Yeah, lot of cake up here, ladies!

Liam: Yeah, Callum’s actually an actor as well.

Callum: [speaking in fake Australian accent] Yeah, that’s right. I do series of instructional videos. About dinner with snakes in the workplace.

Luke: Why don’t you tell them about your big catch phrase?

[Cut to Chris and Callum]

Callum: [speaking in fake Australian accent] Oh, yeah, yeah! It’s just one line where I go. “Kill it!”

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Well, here you have. You have Hemsworth boys. Anyone have any questions for us?

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Um, I do. What’s it like to be called world’s sexiest man?

[Cut to the Hemsworth brothers]

Chris: Well–

Callum: [interrupting] Well, I’ll tell you this one here buddies. [speaking in fake Australian accent] It’s just a bit weird coz I just think of myself as a normal guy. But, um, then I see myself in a mirror and I can’t argue with it.

Chris: Yeah, I wanna say this. It doesn’t matter what you look like. What really matters is what’s in here. Muscles! [looking at the audience] Yes, you sir.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: This is a question for Callum. I noticed your accent is slightly different from the other guys. Are you sure you’re from Australia?

[Cut to Chris and Callum]

Callum: [speaking in fake Australian accent] Me? Australia? [Callum starts mumbling stuffs]

Chris: Alright, you know what? Believe it or not, believe it or not, Callum, he’s actually adopted. He’s from a place in northern territory which is called Atlanta.

Callum: Yeah, it’s way out in the whoop-whoop.

Chris: Um-hmm. [looking at the audience] Next question.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Hi. You all seem so genuine. How do you stay so down to earth?

[Cut to the Hemsworth brothers]

Liam: It’s because of our mum.

Luke: She raised us really, really well.

Chris: She did, she did. We might bring her out actually. Come on our, mum.

Callum: There she is.

[Mum walks in clapping]

Mum: Alright, alright. There’s my boys. Some folks have one son. I have a leader.

Chris: Yeah! We just wanted to say thank you mum, for everything.

Mum: Well, you’ve always ruined my body, so it’s least you can do. Ha-ha.

Chris: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Zac Brown band is here.

[cheers and applause]

Stick around, and we’ll be right back.