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Weekend Update on New Security Measures in Parkland

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of kids wearing transparent bags at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The students at Stoneman Douglas high school face new security precautions including rule requiring everyone to wear clear book bags. Is that supposed to keep guns out? Nobody comes to school with a gun and their books. When a mailman goes postal, he doesn’t also finish his route.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a person spraining his ankle at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During the master’s tournament, golfer Tony Finau sprained his ankle while celebrating a hole in one. So, no, golfers are not athletes.

[Picture changes to Australian flag and a knife]

A man in Australia who was stabbed in the back during a bar fight ordered another drink with a knife still in his back. And then by law, he became the president of Australia.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a train at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York city’s MTA had to suspend a subway train because someone smeared feces inside of a car. That sounds bad. But that’s also how amazing the subway system is in New York. You can see feces smeared inside and that still won’t be the last time you ride the subway. At most, you might switch cars. If you saw feces smeared anywhere else, you’d be like, “Well, I guess we don’t visit anymore.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a whale at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that bow-head whales perform jazz-like improvisations when singing. Which explains why all the other whales hate them.

[Picture changes to a calendar and a bowl of noodles]

Wednesday was ramen noodle day but if you’re depressed enough, everyday is ramen noodle day.

Weekend Update on National Guard at Mexican Border

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of news articles at left top corner.]

Well, the national guard has been deployed to the Mexican border. Our trade war with China keeps escalating. And a pornstar says she can give a detailed description of the president’s penis. And yes, I listed those stories from least to most disturbing.

President Trump deployed the national guard to the Mexican border even though the report showed illegal border crossings are at the lowest level since 1971. It’s all part of Trump’s philosophy. “If it ain’t broke, I’ll break it.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: So now, Trump is sending the national guard? Not even the army? This is such a Trump move. He promises a big beautiful wall and then the wall becomes a fence. And then the fence becomes the army. And then the army becomes the national guard. Pretty soon it’s just gonna be “Beware of dog” sign.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a tyre, blood pint and salt at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Trump administration has also published a list of Chinese exports that could be targeted for terrorist including salt, rubber and animal blood. Which are the exact ingredients in Monster energy drink.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Twitter logo]

President Trump defended his trade policies on Twitter saying this about our trade deficit with China. [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “When you’re already $500 billion down, you can’t lose!” [Cut to Colin Jost] What kind of degenerate gamble logic is that? It can always get worse, man.  If your plane loses an engine after take off, the pilot doesn’t say, “We’re still flying to Hawaii anyway coz when you’re already one engine down, you can’t lose.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of US flag, Chinese flag and drt nuts at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Among the US products facing higher tariffs with dry nuts, something Trump administration is very familiar with. Experts say that Trump’s new tariffs will directly hurt US manufacturers. But why would Donald Trump care about what experts say? Experts also said that he couldn’t win the presidency. And that eating four bags of McDonald’s a day will kill you. But somehow there he is healthy as a fat horse. I don’t think we want to get in trade war with China though. If Canal street has taught me anything, it’s that there is nothing we have that the Chinese can’t just make themselves. I mean, that’s where i get all my Fucci from. [Picturec hanges to fake Gucci bag]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Amazon logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Fucci? this week shade queen Donald Trump also repeatedly attacked Amazon on twitter. If I were Amazon, I would just toll him right back. I’d just constantly send the White House copies of Fire and Fury and Stormy Daniels DVDs, or things Trump really hate like vegetables.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin]

Kremlin officials are also saying that during a call last month, president Trump invited Vladimir Putin to come visit him at the White House. Worse, when Trump hung up, he accidentally said, “Love you. Bye.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stormy Daniels and Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Stormy Daniels lawyer claimed that CBS edited out a clip of Daniels’ 60 minutes interview in which she described the president’s genitalia. Good. Thank you. I don’t want that image burned in my brain. Stormy is like that person who goes, “Oh, this is so gross. Taste it.” No! I believe you. Stop trying to tell us what Donald Trump’s penis is like. If I wanted to know what a 70 year old’s penis look like, I’d go down to the NBC gym.

Warehouse Fire

Chief… Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Cooper… Chris Redd

Daniels… Chadwick Boseman

[Starts with firefighters working at a burning scene.]

Chief: Alright. What’s the situation?

Beck: We can’t get it out of control, sir. Our initial attack did nothing.

Chief: Alright. Let’s get these lines recharged and ready to hit it again. Is everybody out?

Cecily: Yeah. We made a complete sweep of the building. There is no one else in there.

Chief: Alright. Well then, let’s put this thing out. Cooper, you’re on master street. The rest of you back on. Let’s go.

Cooper: You got it, chief.

Chief: Hey, wait, wait. Daniels, where are you going?

Daniels: Home. It’s six. I said I have to leave at six.

Chief: For god’s sake, Daniels, you can’t go home. There’s a fire.

Daniels: I squirted it before anybody else did. I squirted it. And now it’s six and I have to go.

[others are squirting the water.]

Beck: Chief, we need more water incoming from the top.

Chief: Daniels, get on that ladder and do you job.

Daniels: My job was to squirt it and I did. Now, I’m getting out of my fireman outfit and I’m going home. It’s six.

Cooper: What happens at six?

Daniels: I prepare for tonight.

Chief: What’s the night?

Daniels: I’m keeping it vague on purpose, okay? Okay? Is that okay? Just know that it is very important to me. It is dream that is coming real tonight.

[blast]

Beck: The second floor just went down.

Chief: Ah! Come on, Daniels! Get in there.

Daniels: No, no, no. This is for me and I need this and I’m getting it. I will squirt twice as much water tomorrow on whatever you want.

Cecily: What is this thing you’re doing tonight? Just tell us.

Daniels: I said I don’t wanna say. But here’s a hint. It involves dogs and dolls.

Cooper: Wait. Dogs and dolls?

Daniels: Don’t worry about it. Just know that if everything goes great tonight, I won’t have to work here ever again.

Chief: Wait. Dogs and dolls are a money maker thing?

Daniels: Um, yeah. The investors told me I might be looking at billions of dollars by the end of June. My squirting days are numbered.

Beck: Hey, is it a line of gorgeous China baby dolls riding Lhasa Apsos?

Daniels: No. Maybe. Shut up. I’m getting out of here before you guess it.

[blast]

Chief: Come on. Just put out the fire, Daniels.

Daniels: Oh, my god. I will squirt exactly one more time and then I have to go.

Chief: Alright.

[Daniels pulls out the firehose, squirts water for few seconds and throws it away.]

Daniels: Okay, I did it.

Chief: Daniels, finish the job!

Daniels: I won’t. I won’t do it. This is how important these life sized dolls mean to me.

Cooper: Okay, okay, the life sized. That’s a clue.

Chief: Stop trying to guess his thing and squirt out and put out the fire, dammit!

Beck: Oh! I know what it is. They are life sized sex dolls with dog faces so that you can have sex with a dog person for once.

Cecily: What? Is that what it is? Like, sexy dolls with a puppy dog face?

Beck: Not puppy dogs. Handsome adult dogs.

Daniels: Oh, my god! No. They are life sized dolls that are identical to you. So when you leave home, your dog doesn’t know it. And you can talk to them using the dolls mouth using the CB radio.

Cooper: A CB radio? Not like an app through your phone?

Daniels: I don’t know. This is why I wanted to leave at six so I could iron everything before the presentation. Stop squashing my dreams.

Chief: Daniels. They already make a thing like that. Look, I have one in my truck with my dog Freckles right now.

[Cut to a dalmation sitting beside a life sized doll. But it looks nothing like a Chief. It doesn’t even look like a real person.]

Hey, Freckles. How is everything going in the truck?

Daniels: Wow. Looks exactly like it. I guess my priorities have been all wrong. So, what was that thing you said? Sex dolls with dog faces? I’m gonna switch and go with that.

[Daniels walks away]

Beck: Hey, Daniels, you’re walking into the fire.

Chief: It’s alright. Let him go.

Cooper: Really?

Chief: Yeah. Let him go.

Wakanda Forever

Chris Redd

Leslie Jones

Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Chadwick Boseman

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with people getting out of movie theater after watching Black Panther.]

Chris: Man, third time seeing Black Panther and it just gets better every time.

Leslie: Like a fine black wine with abs.

Chris: Yo! Everybody in that movie has abs. I mean, the rhinos had abs.

Leslie: All I know is I would be in Wakanda forever.

[Pete walks in]

Pete: You guys talking about Black Panther, right?

Chris: Yeah.

Pete: That was hell’a dope.

Chris: It was, man. Ain’t it crazy?

Pete: Hell, yeah. Best movie in twentyeighteen. [doing the salute] Wakanda forever.

Leslie: Oh, no. I don’t like that.

Chris: No.

Pete: What? Am I doing it wrong?

Chris: No, man. I think– I think it’s that you’re doing it?

Leslie: Yeah. Something about watching you do that, it just didn’t sit right with me.

Pete: Oh. No, you don’t understand. I love Wakanda. [doing the salute again]

Chris: Ummm, see? Right? That bothers me. Why does that bother me?

Leslie: Like in a blackest part of my soul.

Chris: Right? I feel like this should be us.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Are you guys talking about Wakanda? Sweet. [doing the salute] Wakanda forever.

Chris and Leslie: Oh! No!

Chris: It’s like indigestion, but racially.

Leslie: Oh, I feel it right here. [pointing her heart] Right here.

Beck: What’s the problem? I mean, why won’t you let me love Black Panther?

Chris: No, no. I want you to love Black Panther. But Wakanda’s– you know what I’m saying?

[Chadwick walks in]

Chadwick: Y’all talking about Wakanda?

Chris: Yeah. You look like a woke ass brother to know.

Chadwick: Yeah. You know what it is.

Chris: Alright. So, right here we got a couple of white Black Panther fans.

Chadwick: Um-hmm. Always good to see you.

Beck: Of course.

Leslie: Yeah. But watch this. Hail Wakanda.

Pete and Beck: [doing the salute] Hail Wakanda.

Chadwick: Oh, yeah. I see what you mean.

Chris: Right? But wow, why don’t we like that, bro?

Chadwick: I believe I can explain. You see, the problem is that we as black people know that solute comes from Egyptian kings who were buried right hand over left to clutch the royal scepter.

Chris: Word. Word. Yeah, we all knew that.

Leslie: Yeah.

Chadwick: Salute is also the reminder that all white people are aliens who came to earth in a sleep pod.

Chris: Okay, thank you, brother. Thank you. [Chris pulling Chadwick away backwards]

Beck: We love the movie too. Why can’t we just do the salute?

Leslie: Because we know your history. You don’t give stuff back.

Pete: But there’s nothing wrong with it, you know? If you see superman, you do this. [raising his one hand with his fist closed] If you see spider-man you do this. [showing spider-man’s web shooting gesture] Wouldn’t this be the same? [showing Black Panther salute]

Leslie: I mean, I get the point. It’s cool that white boys want to do something that black superhero do.

Chris: I guess I have to agree, man. Every time I see a baseball game, I gotta do Tomahawk chop, and that feels very wrong.

Leslie: Very wrong.

Chadwick: We need to have a quick huddle.

[Chris, Leslie and Chadwick are whispering to each other]

Chris: [to Pete and Beck] Ay, yo. Could ya’ll do that Wakanda salute one more time?

[Pete and Beck do the salute]

See?

[they are whispering again]

Chadwick: Alright. Our social collect has cultivated a determination that Wakanda salute, it belongs to everyone. We’re all lucky to have you. But in exchange, you must give back dabbing.

Chris: Please. Yes.

[Pete and Beck start whispering to each other]

Beck: We’re not going to give up dabbing.

Pete: But yeah, you can have back Drake.

Chris: That’s dope. Drake’s dope.

Leslie: We’ll take Drake. We’ll take Drake.

[They all do Wakanda salute and get back to their way.]

[Kenan walks out]

Kenan: Alright! Whoo! You kids ready to go? Sorry. That bathroom line was really long. I thought I’d be in there forever. Wakanda forever. Right? You know what I’m saying?

Beck: Um. sorry stepdad. That gesture means something. You can’t just use it to salute that joke. Stay woke.

Kenan: What in the hell. Try to bond with you little sons of bitches and you ain’t gonna do it? I guess I can’t win. You know what? I will leave your mama. How you like that? [does the dab] Huh?

Nike Women’s Ad

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with video clips of women engaging in physical exercises and sports.]

[music playing]

Female voice: With Nike, women push it to the limit everyday.

[Melissa is practicing boxing on punching bag]

Melissa: Let’ just say, I roll with the punches.

Female voice: Because what you do is who you are.

Heidi: I’m a runner. I run.

Melissa: I’m a fighter. I fight.

[Aidy is sitting on a cough chilling]

Aidy: And I just sit the hell down and chill in these soft pants.

Female: Introducing the new Nike Pro-Chiller Leggings. Designed for endurance but used for what most women actually do in leggings. Setting up shop on their couch.

Kate: Coz let’s get real. Leggings can be pants, pajamas and a napkin.

Female: Nike Pro-Chiller Legging is advance enough to keep up with you wherever you go.

Heidi: The highest peak.

Melissa: The top of the podium.

Aidy: Couch. Bed. Other side of couch. Front door to receive delivery of one single bagel.

Female: With patented moisture wicking technology, 360 degrees of support and 190 degrees of hot lap.

Aidy: Coz I bring the heat. Leggings, blanket, laptop. Couch panini.

Kate: And I’m tired from my nap.

Heidi: I make my own rules.

Melissa: There are no rules.

Aidy: Except for Vanderpump rules. Hell, yeah.

Kate: Women can do anything they want. And I wanna do… Nothing!

Melissa: No fear.

Heidi: No limits.

Aidy: No bra, ever!

Kate: My Fitbit says I’m dead.

Female voice: The new Nike Pro-Chiller Legging.

Melissa: Because I can beat the odds.

Heidi: Because I can cross the finish line.

Aidy: Because I can’t just put my naked butt on the couch.

Medical Breakthrough

Dr. Connolly… Chadwick Boseman

Dr. Karen Price… Aidy Bryant

Sandra Matson… Kate McKinnon

Dave Matson… Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

[Starts with Dr. Connolly and Dr. Karen Price at the podium speaking to the press. They’re both wearing aprons.]

Dr. Connolly: Thank you all for being here today. I’m Dr. Connolly, lead researcher for the fertility frontiers project. This is my brilliant supervisor Dr. Karen Price.

Dr. Karen Price: Hello.

Dr. Connolly: Nine months ago, we began working with a couple who had difficulty conceiving. But through a process, we created called ‘Paternal Embryonic Gestation’ and implanted artificial womb. Their dreams of pregnancy have come true. With one small difference. Please welcome Sandra Matson and her husband Dave Matson, history’s first pregnant man.

[Sandra and Dave walk in. Dave has pregnant belly.]

[cheers and applause]

Mr. Matson, you just made history. Any comment?

Dave: Um, yeah. Anybody have olives and peanut butter? I’m having a really weird craving.

[The press laughs.]

In all seriousness, we feel so blessed that life found a way.

Sandra: Um-hmm. Now if we could only find a maternity store with a men’s section.

[everyone laughing]

Dr. Connolly: Now, we’ll open it up for questions. Yes.

Heidi: First, congratulations on this remarkable achievement. Dr. Connolly, how does the man give birth?

Dr. Connolly: Well, the plan has always been a scheduled C-section.

Dave: Two weeks from today.

Dr. Connolly: But the plan has changed.

Dave: It has?

Dr. Connolly: My team and I now believe that due to the fragility of the artificial womb, the baby must be delivered naturally through Mr. Watson’s urethra.

Dave: What?

Dr. Connolly: Who else has a question?

Dave: I do.

Dr. Connolly: Yes, you sir.

Chris: Hello, there. Just to be clear, the baby will come out of this man’s, um, now I’m sure there’s a classy way to say this but I’m going with pee hole?

Dr. Connolly: Yes. The elasticity of the skin and tissue in that area will stretch to accommodate the birth… hopefully.

Dave: Hopefully?

Dr. Karen Price: Yes. Picture a bowling ball going through a twizzler.

Dr. Connolly: With that said, we will be prepared for possible tuliping.

Heidi: I’m sorry, doctor. What is tuliping?

Dr. Karen Price: Oh, I can take this one. Yeah, the best way to describe it is with the Looney Tunes metaphor. So, if you recall when Bugs Bunny would put his finger in Elmer Fudd’s gun barrel? When Mr. Fudd pulled the trigger, the barrel would bush out. Peel back like tulip petals. Hence, tuliping.

Dave: Oh, my god. So, next question. Yes. The woman in the wrinkled skirt.

Cecily: Oh. That detail was unnecessary. Mr.s Madson, will you be present in the delivery room?

Sandra: Not anymore. No.

Dr. Connolly: Yes. The delivery room will be crowded. It will be all hands on the deck and few hands in deck, if you know what I mean.

Dave: No. I don’t know what you mean.

Cecily: And lastly, will Mr. Madson be given the same epidural drugs used on women?

Dr. Connolly: Oh, no.

Dave: Yeah. Stronger?

Dr. Connolly: Unfortunately, no epidural or pain numbing drugs can be used as Mr. Madson will need to push at full strength for the full 24 hour long birth.

Dave: 24? Can’t it go any faster?

Dr. Connolly: Not without significant risk of tuliping.
Dave: Stop saying tuliping. Stop.

Dr. Connolly: Yes, you sir.

Alex: Yes, first off, Mr. Madson, congratulations and I’m so sorry. Now, how long do you anticipate the recovery process will take?

Dave: Um, forever?

Heidi: I can’t believe no one’s asked yet. Boy or girl?

Sandra: It’s a girl. Which is good because we have a lot of girl names we like.

Dr. Connolly: Well, pick your top three because surprise, you’re having triplets. Mr. Madson, any parting words?

Dave: I mean, I’m worried about my penis.

Dr. Connolly: We all are. Thank you.

Magic Mirror

Aidy Bryant

Denice… Melissa Villaseñor

Lauren… Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Elsa… Heidi Gardner

Rapunzel… Kate McKinnon

  1. Kelly… Chadwick Boseman

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Aidy seeing off a girl in Disney Land.]

Aidy: Wasn’t that cool? You got Ariel. Well, thanks for stopping by the Magic Mirror. And dream big, little princess. [Aidy approaches other three visitors] Hi, there. Looks like we’ve got some grownup seekers today.

Lauren: Yeah. I know it’s weird but we’re out having fun.

Denice: Yeah. Can’t big girls like Disney princesses too?

Aidy: Of course they can. So, come on over ladies. Let me share with you a secret. Inside every strong beautiful princess, there is a lady. So, to see just who you are, just look in the mirror. So, give it a try.

Denice: Are you sure?

Aidy: Yeah.

Denice: Okay.

[Denice walks to the mirror. There’s Elsa waving her hand from Frozen in the mirror.]

Oh, wow, guys. Look, I got Elsa.

Lauren: Oh, my god. That makes sense. You are total Elsa. You’re so independent. You’re a total ice queen. Let me try.

[Lauren walks to the mirror. There’s Rapunzel in the mirror.]

Oh, look, you guys. I’m Rapunzel.

Leslie: I gotta say, that seems right. You’re adventurous, a little crazy and way too into your hair.

Lauren: Stop. You go.

Leslie: Okay.

[Leslie walks to the mirror. A black man wearing jeans, sleeveless shirt, sunglasses and a bandana appears in the mirror. He is dancing slowly.]

Denice: Oh, wow. Who is that?

Leslie: Damn! I think that’s R. Kelly.

Lauren: Serious? Yeah, I think you’re right. That is R. Kelly. What’s he doing in there?

[R. Kelly is shhing.]

Leslie: Look at him. He’s shhing us. What are you up to, R. Kelly? Why is R. Kelly in there? The last place he needs to be is Disney Land.

Aidy: I don’t think that’s him. I’m pretty sure that’s a character from Mulan.

Leslie: Oh! Which character?

Aidy: I think that’s Shy Greg.

Leslie: Okay, I don’t know who that is. I haven’t seen Mulan in a while but–

[R. Kelly pulls out a bag and starts stuffing it with popcorn.]

Denice: Geez. What’s he doing now?

Lauren: Oh, look at him. Creepy. I mean, wow, he loves stuffing that bag doesn’t he?

Leslie: It is kind of disturbing. Look at him.

  1. Kelly: [singing] I got the popcorn in the bag
    popcorn in the bag, baby

Leslie: What is going on?

  1. Kelly: [singing] I’m in the–

Leslie: In what? I told you. He’s shady! Excuse me. I thought I was supposed to see my personal princess

Aidy: Well, you are. And I honestly don’t know what happens. So, try this. Close your eyes, make a wish for what you want to see.

Leslie: Alright. I wish for a real Disney princess.

[Elsa appears in the mirror. She is waving.]

Oh, my god. I got Elsa. Hi, Elsa.

[R. Kelly walks in the mirror and pushes Elsa away. He has a sandwich.]

Lauren: He’s back and he’s got a sandwich.

  1. Kelly: [singing] I’m in here

Leslie: Yo, what you in? No, I’m sorry. We gotta go. I’m out of here. Lauren, Denice, let’s just get out of here.

[Denice, Lauren and Leslie walk out]

Aidy: Oh, sorry. Who’s next?

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Oh! This thing is cool. [walks to the mirror] Who do I get?

[R. Kelly appears on the mirror again]

Oh! It’s Shy Greg from Mulan. Awesome!

Donald Trump Baltic States Cold Open

Harris Faulkner… Leslie Jones

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Dalia Grybauskaitė… Kate McKinnon

Kersti Kaljulaid… Heidi Gardner

Raimonds Vējonis… Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Fox News intro]

[Cut to “Outnumbered” intro]

[Cut to Harris Faulkner in her set]

Harris Faulkner: Hi, I’m Harris Faulkner and you’re watching “Outnumbered.” Outnumbered is the title of the show and also how I feel here at FOX News. We begin today with FOX News alert. Could former president Obama be impeached now despite not being president anymore? One of our professional morons says yes. And we have another FOX News alert. Mexicans! And that was the FOX News alert.

We now go live to the White House where president Donald J. Trump is about to hold a joint press conference with the leaders of the Baltic states.

[Cut to the White House press conference. There are Dalia Grybauskaitė, Kersti Kaljulaid and Raimonds Vējonis standing at their podiums. Donald Trump walks in and to his podium.]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, hi. How’s it going? Let’s make this quick because I have a lot of trade wars to escalate here, okay? That’s why I just announced tariffs on more Chinese products including fireworks and finger traps. We’ve also expelled the infamous Chinese billionaire P.F. Chang. He is done-zo. Today we’ve got the leaders from Baltic states. We’ve to Estonia, Lithuania and and I wanna say Stankonia. The great Baltic nations. Even in the game monopoly, Baltic avenue was always my favorite property. Except for Oriental avenue which you can’t see anymore. Okay? Now, you have to call it China street. Sad. Very sad. And before I turn over to these freak shows here, I’d just like to read a prepared statement to prove that I can read, okay?

Here we go. God, I hate this. [reading] Do not congratulate Putin. Wait! That’s a note to me. Forget about it. Okay. Reading and go! The United States has special relationship with the Baltic nations. God! I wanna riff so bad. We are so proud to honor the centinen-nenen-neneial (centennial) of their independence from Russia. God, this sucks. Because our nations are truly friends. Okay, thank god that’s over.

Please, time to freestyle. First up, a big congratulations to Vladimir Putin. He won a great, great, very transparent victory in the Russian election. Fantastic job, Putin. Even though no one’s ever been tougher on Russia than I am, including Hitler. Okay, that’s it from me. Let’s do the Baltics quick and get out of here. Gypsy woman, you’re first.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: Okay. Thank you so much to president Donald Trump. Welcoming the nation of Lithuania. We have very much in common–

[Zooming to Donald Trump’s face]

Donald Trump thinking: Oh, my god! I’m already so bored. Argh! I wish I was watching Roseanne. How great is that show? Roseanne loves me. She’s like a good Rosie O’Donnell.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: And we want efficient energy. Or as you might say in America, big bang for your buck.

[Donald Trump starts snoring on the mic. He has fallen asleep.]

So, in conclusion–

Donald Trump thinking: Okay, she’s finally done.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: — thank you to president Trump.

Donald Trump thinking: [clapping] Now, whatever you do. Don’t mention her hair. Don’t mention her hair.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for that great speech. And by the way, your hair is insane. Okay, I think that’s it for you, Zaza. What about you two? Other girl president, Balky from “Perfect Strangers.” I’m just gonna skip them to save some time.

Reporter: Excuse me, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Oh, my god. There are questions too. What is this? A full work day? Okay. Make it quick.

Reporter: You just denied knowing anything about the Stormy Daniel’s pay out. But if that’s true, doesn’t that make her NDA non binding?

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s a toughie. [to Raimonds Vējonis] Borat, you wanna take that one?

Raimonds Vējonis: Me?

Donald Trump: I don’t know. I think that question was for you.

Reporter: It was not for the president of Latvia.

Donald Trump: Give him a chance. Let him answer.

Raimonds Vējonis: Okay. Well, I am not the strongest English speaker. But we have expression in my country and it translates roughly as, [pointing at Donald Trump] “This man is lying.”

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s enough, Latvia. Next question. And guys, let’s try to keep it fun. These three came all the way from Hufflepuff. So, let’s show them a good time. Yeah, you.

Another Reporter: Mr. President, why do you keep attacking Amazon? Do you really hate Jeff Bezos that much?

Donald Trump: I do. I hate Jeff. Because he’s way richer than me and he admits to being bald. So, I feel threatened on two levels. Next question. Let’s mix it up and do a Baltic report this time please.

Another Reporter: [in Russian accent] Yes, my question is why are you sending the national guard to the Mexican border? Doesn’t that seem, how do you say, pointless?

Donald Trump: Wow! Seriously? You’re gonna come at me like that? Do I come to the shoe that you live in? Slap the potato out of your mouth? Okay? Look, we have to keep our border secure. Mexico is sending caravans full of immigrants towards us. And I’ve seen these caravans. Truck after truck, barreling across the desert. The trucks are covered in metal and spikes. There’s a guy strapped in front just wailing away on a flaming guitar. And there are freaky albino dudes shimming around skinny little potholes.

Dalia Grybauskaitė: Mr. President, I believe you are describing the movie “MadMax Fury Road.”

Donald Trump: That’s right. They are some Mad Max-icans. Okay, one more question. Yeah, you.

Another Reporter: Mr. President, are you worried that your tariffs are ruining our economy and your immigration politics have destroyed American standing in the world?

Donald Trump: No, I’m not. I’m not worried at all. Because here’s the thing that no one else is saying and I’m the only one who is willing to actually say this. I don’t care about America. Okay? This whole presidency is a four year cash grab and admitting that will probably give me four more years. But I do not care about any of you. Okay? Basically, that answers all of your questions, okay? does it?

[The reporters all agree]

[Now, there’s someone in rabbit costume behind Donald Trump]

Okay. And one more thing, does anyone else see this rabbit? Okay? I’m not the only one who sees that rabbit, right? It’s wearing glasses. Is that real? [looks at the rabbit] Okay. I think this might be a Donnie Darko situation. Fantastic movie by the way. Love Jake Gyllenhaal. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Chadwick Boseman Monologue

Chadwick Boseman

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chadwick Boseman.

[Chadwick Boseman walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Chadwick Boseman: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m so happy to be hosting Saturday Night Live only two months after Black Panther came out. [cheers and applause] But it’s still before the Avengers, so we’re not completely late.

You know, it was actually kind of tough hosting because SNL has already done a bunch of sketches about Black Panther. So, there is really bad ideas left. The writers were like, “What about a talk show called ‘Wake Up Wakanda?’ Or a sketch where Black Panther has sex with Leslie Jones?” And that was Leslie Jones’ idea. So it’s tough and it’s not fair. I men Sterling K. Brown got to do a Black Panther sketch before me and he dies in the first scene of the movie. I would say spoiler alert, but again the movie has been out for two months people.

One weird thing I’ve experienced since the movie came out, it’s people asking if I wanna run for president. That’s because I play a world leader in the movie, they think I wanna be a leader of the free world, but who wants that job? Why would I go for being a serious actor to do in reality TV? [applause]

And there’s still some people who can’t grasp that it’s a superhero movie. They’re like, “You’re doing Black Panther all wrong. You should have beret and a black leather jacket.” I’m like, “Ay! Ay! That’s a different type of Black Panther, man.” And it’s not like I don’t know history. I portrayed Jackie Robinson, James Brown. [cheers and applause] And Thurgood Marshall. Basically every black historical figure except Rachel Dolazer, who coming to think of it, me playing a white woman pretending to play a black woman might not be a bad idea for Oscar. But somehow, Black Panther has become historical figure too. First black superhero in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, we broke new ground. And I hope that maybe we’ve inspired the new generation of black actors and film makers–

[Kenan Thompson walks in wearing Panthro costume. The costume is very funny looking.]

Kenan Thompson: Wow! You broke new ground, huh? I’m not so sure about that. Ha-ha-ha.

Chadwick Boseman: Pahthro from Thundercats?

Kenan Thompson: [showing his nunchucks] Yeah, that’s right. You must be the Black Panther style superhero who has space age technology. Hmm, where have I heard that one before? Oh, right. From when it was me.

Chadwick Boseman: Alright. Alright. Panthro, Black Panther was created in 1966. Thundercats are from the 80s.

Kenan Thompson: No. Actually, Thundercats are from Thundera, the cat planet where cats lived in harmony until Mumra made it explode. Not that you care.

Chadwick Boseman: Panthro!

Kenan Thompson: Come on, dude. I know you guys are doing a sequel. Hook a brother up. It’s hard out there for a black space cat with a spiky suspenders.

Chadwick Boseman: Hey man, I gotta ask. Is this another one of the bad ideas that the writers had that I’m in right now?

Kenan Thompson: No. I actually heard that this was Kenan Thompson’s idea. And I’m told that he stands by it. 15 seasons, baby.

[Kenan Thompson winks and leaves the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Chadwick Boseman: You know, I got a band behind me right now. [Talking like Lenny Kravitz] I can’t get off this stage without giving you just a little Lenny. I’m about to do my thing. Hit it!

[band playing music. Chadwick Boseman does the dance]

We got a great show for you tonight. Cardi B is here. So, stick around. We’re gonna be right back.

Black Jeopardy with Chadwick Boseman

Darnell Hayes… Kenan Thompson

Shanice… Leslie Jones

Rashad… Chris Redd

T’Challa… Chadwick Boseman

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Male voice: This is Black Jeopardy.

[Cut to the show stage. There’s one host and three contestants.]

[cheers and applause]

Darnell: Yeah. Hi. Wad up? Wad up? Wad up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy. The only Jeopardy where our prize is paid in installments. Alright, I’m your host Darnell Hayes. Today’s contestants Shanice.

Shanice: Hi.

Darnell: Rashad.

Rashad: What’s crackin?

Darnell: And, oh! This is so exciting. All the way from Wakanda, it’s T’Challa.

[cheers and applause]

T’Challa: Greetings Darnell. I am a big fan of this program.

Darnell: Well, this might be the blackest Black Jeopardy yet. Let’s take a look at that categories. Alright, we got “Grown ass”, “Ah Hell naw”, “Fid’na”, “Girl, bye”, “I ain’t got it”, and as always “White people.” Alright, Shanice, You are returning champ. You pick.

Shanice: Okay. Let’s go to “Aw hell naw” for $100.

Darnell: Okay, answer there. Your barber has a two hour wait, but there’s an empty chair up front.

[buzzer sound]

Rashad.

Rashad: What is, “Aw hell naw, there’s a reason your chair is empty.”

Darnell: You damn right. You damn right it is. You can end up looking like The Weeknd. Alright, Rashad, the board is your’s.

Rashad: Let’s go with “Fid’na” for $200.

Darnell: Okay, the answer. They fid’na to take prayer out of school.

[buzzer]

Shanice.

Shanice: What is, “They wonder why everybody pregnant?”

Darnell: Yes. Yes. Bad things happen when you kick Jesus out your house. That’s right. Alright, it’s your pick, Shanice.

Shanice: Let’s stick with “Fid’na” for $400.

Darnell: This is the reason your cable bill is in your grand mamma’s name.

[buzzer]

Oh, T’Challa.

T’Challa: What is, “To honor her as the as the foundation of the family.”

[audience laughing]

Darnell: Hmm, that’s really nice. It’s wrong. But it’s really nice. Anybody else? The reason your cable bill is in your grand mamma’s name.

[buzzer]

Shanice.

Shanice: What is, “Coz fid’na get a car and I don’t need all that on my credit.”

Darnell: I feel you. I feel you. Yeah, your grandma ain’t gonna need that good credit too much longer. Alright, Shanice, it’s your pick.

Shanice: Let’s go “I ain’t got it” for $200.

Darnell: Alright. The lady from Sallie Mae says your student loan is past due.

[buzzer]

Rashad.

Rashad: What is, “I ain’t got it because I died. You talking to a ghost.”

Darnell: Yeah. That’s right. That’s right. That’s right. Yeah. You can’t bill what’s not there, okay? Just ask Wesley Snipes. Ain’t that right, T’Challa?

T’Challa: I don’t know this one.

Darnell: That’s alright. You’ll get there. Alright, Rashad, it’s your pick.

Rashad: Am, let’s go with “Aw hell naw” for $400.

Darnell: Alright, the answer. The airline sys they wanna charge twenty-five dollars to check your bag.

[buzzer]

Shanice.

Shanice: What is, “Aw hell naw. Looks like I’m gonna fly to Jamaica with 50 pounds of suitcase in my lap.”

Darnell: You damn right. You damn right. That’s right. And I dare the stewardess to say something. That’s right. Let’s keep going.

Shanice: Let’s say with “Grown ass” for $600.

Darnell: Alright. You send your smart-ass child here ’cause she thinks she grown.

[buzzer]

T’Challa.

T’Challa: What is, “To one of our free university where she can apply her intelligence. And perhaps one day become a great scientist.”

Darnell: Okay. Well, the answer were were looking for was, “Out my damn house.” But you know what? I’m gonna give it to you, T’Challa. Y’all must not have no mean streets in Wakanda. Alright, the board is your’s.

T’Challa: Very well. Let’s go to “Ah hell naw” for $800.

Darnell: Okay. The policeman says there’s been some robberies in your neighborhood and asks if you have any information.

T’Challa: What is, “Not only do I tell this man what I know, but I also assist him in tracking down the offender. After all, our ministers of law enforcement are only here to protect us.” Is this correct?

[Darnell makes funny face]

Darnell: I mean, it should be. But I’m thinking you haven’t spent much time in America. Let’s just hear about today’s prizes. Johnny!

[Cut to Black Jeopardy prize listing]

Male voice: Thanks, Darnell. Today’s Black Jeopardy winner will receive Uesta Hold Margarine, personal plastic containers that used to hold margarine. “Put whatever you want in there.” And well done steaks. “If I see a speck of red, it’s going back. You better cook my food with well done steaks.” And by Sprite. “How did we become the black soda? We don’t know.” Back to you, Darnell.

[Cut to the game stage]

Darnell: Ooh! I do love Sprite. Alright, T’Challa, the board is your’s.

T’Challa: I am ready. Let’s go to “White people” for $400.

[Darnell is making shocked faces.]

Darnell: Okay, let’s try it. Your friend Karen brings her potato salad to your cookout.

[buzzer]

Oh-oh. T’Challa.

T’Challa: I think I’m getting the hang of this. Before I answer, a few questions. This woman Karen, she’s caucasian, right?

Darnell: Yes.

T’Challa: And she has her own recipe for potato salad, right?

Darnell: Yeah.

T’Challa: Ah! I understand. It is noble that she would volunteer to cook for everyone. And although I have never had potato salad…

Darnell: Of course.

T’Challa: … I sense that this white woman does not season her food.

Darnell: That’s right.

T’Challa: And if she does, it is only with a tiny bit of salt and no paprika.

Darnell: No paprika. No.

T’Challa: And she will probably add something unnecessary like resins.

Darnell: I know, right?

T’Challa: So, something tells me that I should say–

Darnell: Say it.

T’Challa: “Aw hell naw Karen. Keep your bland ass potato to yourself.”

Darnell: [celebrating] Yes! Yes! Whoo! Oh, man! You got it, T’Challa.

T’Challa: In the face.

Darnell: Yeah. Black Panther, welcome to Black Jeopardy.

Female voice: How many square feet is that?

Male voice: For three bedrooms?

Female voice: What a deal.

Darnell: Oh, well. The sound of white people shopping nearby for real estate means that the fun is over. So, let’s take a break. We’ll be right back with more Black Jeopardy.