Year: 2019

Rachel Brosnahan Offends Aidy Bryant | Season 44 Episode 10

[Starts with Rachel Brosnahan, Aidy Bryant and the band Greata Van Fleet on stage]

Rachel Brosnahan: Hi, I am Rachel Brosnahan and I am hosting Saturday Night Live this week with musical guests Greta Van Fleet.

Aidy Bryant: I will also be here too.

Rachel Brosnahan: Aren’t you here every week Aidy?

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, but that doesn’t make it any less special.

[Cut and retake]

Rachel Brosnahan: Hi, I am Rachel Brosnahan and I am hosting SNL with Greta Van Fleet.

Aidy Bryant: Oh my god. You are so funny on the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

Rachel Brosnahan: Oh, thanks Aidy.

Aidy Bryant: Okay, I’m waiting.

Rachel Brosnahan: For what?

Aidy Bryant: Maybe I am funny on this show? [Aidy leaves the stage]

[Cut and retake]

Rachel Brosnahan: Hi, I am Rachel Brosnahan and I am hosting Saturday Night Live this week with musical guests Greta Van Fleet.

Greta Van Fleet: Our best friend is Aidy Bryant.

Aidy Bryant: Nice. That was really good you guys. Rachel, do you want to say it too or–?

Rachel Brosnahan’s New Year’s Monologue | Season 44 Episode 10

Rachel Brosnahan

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with intro of SNL monologue]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel Brosnahan.

[Rachel walks in the door to the stage]

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel Brosnahan: Thank you, thank you very much. You guys, I am so excited to be here. You may know me as “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” on the TV show called “West World”. But if you haven’t seen “Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”, it’s available on Amazon. Customers who like this bought a meat thermometer and D batteries. You guys, being here is insane. I am so thrilled to be hosting the first “Saturday Night Live” of the new year. [Cheers and applause] We can all agree that last year was not easy, but I for one am looking forward to having fun in 2019.

[Cecily Strong joins Rachel on the stage]

Cecily Strong: Yeah, this year is going to be great. I can feel it.

Rachel Brosnahan: Thanks Cecily. Happy new year.

Cecily Strong: Hey, Rachel. Same to you. Did you make a New Year’s resolution?

Rachel Brosnahan: Actually mine was to host SNL. I’m doing pretty well. What was your’s?

Cecily Strong: To find the killer [Cut to Cecily acting serious] and this year, I will.

[Cut to Cecily and Rachel]

Rachel Brosnahan: What?

Cecily Strong: Oh, don’t worry about it. We’re having fun this year.

[They start singing and dancing]

Everybody: ♪Let’s have fun in 2019
let’s have fun
out here living the dream
Let’s have fun only smiles no frowns
Let’s have fun 2018 is shut down.♪

Rachel Brosnahan: Shut down.

Cecily Strong: Oh, the government shutdown.

Rachel Brosnahan: And thousands of government employees are not being paid.

Cecily Strong: Neither are we.

Rachel Brosnahan: What?

Cecily Strong: Yes. Lauren told me I wasn’t getting paid this week.

Rachel Brosnahan: Maybe you should call your agent.

Cecily Strong: My who?

[Kenan Thompson joins Rachel and Cecily on the stage]

Kenan Thompson: What’s up? Happy new year! What we doing?

Rachel Brosnahan: What does it look like? We are having fun!

Cecily Strong: Yeah. So much fun.

Kenan Thompson:  Okay. Because I heard a lot of concerned whispering.

Cecily Strong: Nope, not from us.

[They start singing and dancing]

Everybody: ♪Let’s have fun a brand new year
let’s have fun it’s a party in here♪
♪Let’s have fun and tonight we’re going to play
we’ll have fun like the ain’t no school today.

Cecily Strong: Oh, my god, the teacher’s strike.

Rachel Brosnahan:  Yeah, what is going on with that?

Kenan Thompson: You know what? Teachers don’t get paid enough. Class sizes are too big.

Rachel Brosnahan: Is anything functioning? I mean, you guys,

Cecily Strong:  Brexit. Oh, yeah. Is Europe like over?

Kenan Thompson: You know, I never got to go. And now it’s like closed, I guess.

[Kyle Moony joins Rachel, Cecily and Kenan on the stage]

Kyle Mooney: What up squad? What are you guys talking about?

Rachel Brosnahan: Hey, Kyle.

Kyle Mooney: Rachel.

Rachel Brosnahan: Can you go back out, and bring out someone who can sing?

Kyle Mooney: Sure, [Kyle tries singing the line] Even though I actually can sing. Hey Aidy.

[Kyle leaves the stage]

[Aidy joins Rachel, Cecily and Kenan on the stage]

Aidy Bryant: Hey, what’s up my dude? I hear you’re having some fun.

Rachel Brosnahan: Yeah, you know it.

[They start singing and dancing]

Everybody: ♪Let’s have fun I’m giving out free hugs.
Let’s have fun and dancing to my new drug

Cecily Strong: Oh my, speaking of new drugs, have you heard of Krokodil?

Aidy Bryant: Oh yeah, Krokodil. That’s the Russian prison drug.

Kenan Thompson: Do not google it.

Cecily Strong: Oh, I just did it.

Rachel Brosnahan: I want to see. No! What is that?

Kenan Thompson: You melt.

Rachel Brosnahan: Is that bone?

Cecily Strong: Yeah. that’s bone.

Aidy Bryant: Okay, we got to move. The breaks on the Krokodil. We have to stop focusing on this bad stuff. It’s making us crazy.

Rachel Brosnahan: You’re right, the world is full of great things. We have to remember that.

[They start singing and dancing]

Everybody: ♪Babies with glasses and free ice cream
cancelling plans and when dogs have dreams

Cecily Strong: And Krokodil

Aidy Bryant: No.

Cecily Strong: Just to try it.

[They start singing and dancing]

Everybody: ♪Let’s have fun

Rachel Brosnahan: This is going to be a great new year and a great show. Guys, Greata Van Fleet is here. Stick around cause we will be right back.

Earthquake News Report | Season 44 Episode 10

Carol Kumdungeon… Kate McKinnon

Randall Fields… Mikey Day

Donald McRonald… Kenan Thompson

Mark Peanus… Kyle Mooney

Dr. Shayna Steele… Rachel Brosnahan

Firefighter… Pete Davidson

Nurse… Aidy Bryant

Julia N… Heidi Gardner

Dr. Donna Diddadog… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Action 9, News at five intro]

Narrator: Action 9, news at five, Nor Cal’s number one choice for news.

[Cut to Carol in her news set]

Carol Kumdungeon: Good afternoon. Our top story, a 4.3 magnitude earthquake rattled Downtown Sacramento this morning, causing some structural damage. Our own Randall Fields is in Capital Plaza. [Cut to split screen. Carol at the left side and Randall at the right side. Randall is in front of destroyed building] Randall, besides the ground, what’s shaking over there?

Randall Fields: Well, lots, Carol. And given the severity of the situation, I found that earthquake pun in very poor taste. [Cut to Randall] I’m here at the social security administration building where a proportion of the second floor caved in, trapping several people who are in the legal change of name office below. I’m told the building was especially busy as due to the partial government shutdown, office hours have been limited. Joining me are two gentlemen [Donald and Mark join Randall] who were inside the building, waiting to change their names when the earthquake struck. Please, tell us who you are and what you remember.

Donald McRonald: Yeah, my name is Donald McRonald. And I’m trying to change my last name to Johnson, finally stop all the dumbass childish jokes, when everything just started shaking.

Mark Peanus: Yeah, I don’t even know how I got out. But I’m feeling—very lucky right now.

Randall Fields: And your name sir?

Mark Peanus: Mark Peanus.

Randall Fields: Oh my goodness.

Carol Kumdungeon: Randall, Im’ sorry. [Cut to Carol] I’m going to have to cut Mr. Peanus here, as we have an update from search and rescue officials at the scene.

[Cut to Dr. Shayna Steel. She is standing with a nurse and a firefighter]

Dr. Shayna Steele: I’m Dr. Shayna Steele, triage coordinator for family members. Worried about relatives who were in the change of name office. Here is a list of rescued individuals taken to St. Joseph’s memorial hospital. Lisa Simpson, Bill Kosbie, Mario Pardi, Ty Neadik, Morgan Mindy.

Firefighter: Nanu Nanu. Sorry.

Dr. Shayna Steele: The following people are at Sacramento general. Siblings Gary, Larry and Mary Potter. Tadd Kobell, Ivan Jerganov.

Nurse: You have? That was gross. And I am sorry. Ha-ha-ha.

Dr. Shayna Steele: Pete Ophelia and Keith– um… how would you say that?

Firefighter: Ka’weaf. Keith Ka’weaf.

Dr. Shayna Steele: I should mention that we did not know Mr. Ka’weaf was inside so when he came out it was delightful surprise. We will update you as we learn more. Thank you.

[Cut to Carol]

Carol Kumdungeon: Okay. Thank you. Let’s check back in with Randall Fields. [Cut to split screen. Carol at the left side and Randall at the right side. Randall is in front of destroyed building] Randall, with this earthquake. Any idea who’s at fault?

Randall Fields: Again Carol. I find your earthquake jokes very inappropriate. [Cut to Randall] I am standing here with a civilian [Beck Bennett joins Randall] who helped get lots of folks out safely. Some are even calling him a hero. Mr. Alan Hitler.

Alan Hitler: Oh, please don’t say hero, and please don’t say my last name. Just use an initial.

Randall Fields: Well, [The name tag in the news sayd “A. Hitler, hailed as a hero”] based on your actions today, the only thing you share with the other Hitler is the last name.

Alan Hitler: And unfortunately, some DNA. He’s my great uncle. But everyone’s got that embarrassing relative, right?

Randall Fields: Kind of.

Carol Kumdungeon: Randall, [Cut to Carol] I am sorry. I hate to interrupt Mr. Hitler who we admire so much, but Dr. Steel has some new information.

[Cut to Dr. Shayna Steel. She is standing with a young boy]

Dr. Shayna Steele: Moments ago a search team rescued this young boy who came to the change of name office by himself and didn’t tell his parents because he thought they would be mad. Mom, dad, rest easy. Holden Tudiks is safe. And mind I add, he is a great kid. Holdin Tuiks has got us all laughing down here. [Firefighter walks behind them laughing and clapping]

[Cut to Randall and two women victims]

Randall Fields: What a relief for those parents as I am sure they love Holden Tudiks more than anything else in the world. I’m here with two more folks able to get out, thanks to Mr. Hitler. This is Julia and I am not going to say her last name as it sounds very close to the N word.

Julia N: Yes. I should just say that well, it is spelled the same way, it’s actually pronounced like cigar.

Dr. Donna Diddadog: Right, but then it would sound like he’s saying the N word with a British accent.

Randall Fields: I do agree. Sound advice from–

Carol Kumdungeon0: Dr. Donna Diddadog.

Randall Fields: Alright. More with Julia N and Dr. Donna Diddadog, after the break. Carol, back to you.

[Cut to Carol]

Carol Kumdungeon: Thank you Randall. Coming up, more on the Situation Downtown where the mayor is scheduled to speak. Stay with us, for Action 9 news, I’m Carol Kumdungeon.

Deal or No Deal Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 10

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

President Trump… Alec

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Melissa Villaseñor

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Maxine Waters… Leslie Jones

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Steve King… Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

[Starts with intro of Deal or No Deal]

Narrator: And now it’s time for “Deal or No Deal”. Government shut down edition. With your host, Howie Mandell!

[Cut to the host on the stage. The host turns around. He is Steve Harvey, not Howie Mandell]

Steve Harvey: Sorry about that, players. I’m sorry. It’s me, Steve Harvey. Howie’s out sick. He’s a germophobe. But yesterday I was like, “Come on, Howie, shake one person’s hand”, and he shook it. Two hours later, Ebola. I’m sorry, you were right Howie. Alright now, our government has been shut down for like a month. I spent two hours yesterday at TSA yesterday in Atlanta. They thought I was smuggling extra teeth in my mouth. Let’s bring out the guy who said he would own the shut down. He’s the president, and we’ve both got neck ties long enough that would get caught in a roomba. Please welcome Donald Trump!

[Cut to the stage. Steve Harvey is standing and Donald Trump walks in] [Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thanks Steve, tremendous to be here. Just tremendous.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay now, earlier today you went on the TV and you told the American people that you want to make a deal.

Donald Trump: That’s right, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: All right, so we decided to do this in the only format that you can understand, a TV game show with women holding briefcases. Alright, [Cut to Donald Trump] now in your briefcase here, you’ve the deal that congress offered you in December.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Donald Trump: And I said no deal. [Donald closes the button] [Ring]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah. Nobody’s excited about that player. What was your counter offer today?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I want $5 billion for my border wall, and in exchange I’ll extend DACA, and I’ll release the kids from cages so they can be free-range kids.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Well, let’s see the members of congress that are willing to offer you a new deal so this nonsense can go away.

[Cut to people with briefcases standing in two rows]

Alright, [Cut to Steve and Donald] what do say, Mr. President?

Donald Trump: Five.

Steve Harvey: You want to open briefcase number five?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, I’m saying a lot of these women are fives.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: On the day of the women’s march.

Donald Trump: Okay, [Cut to Donald Trump] then I choose case number three. Fancy Nancy Paloser. I’m still working on the nickname.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: That’s a great start player. Okay, speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi. Nancy, how are you feeling tonight?

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Just normal. Not like drunk on my own power or anything. [Nancy looks at the camera and smirks]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Now you rejected the president’s offer this afternoon.

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Well, I’m afraid I did which is a real shame because I hate saying no to you, Mr. Trump. [Nancy looks at the camera and smirks]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. I’m scared. Let’s see what’s in the briefcase, Nancy.

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Okay. [Nancy opens the briefcase] $1 billion, and you say Nancy is mommy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, $1 billion for border security. That’s a lot of money.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah, but it’s not $5 billion, and I need $5 billion because that’s the first random number I said. [Cut to Steve and Donald] No deal. [Donald closes the button]

[Nancy walks to Donald on stage]

Nancy Palosi: Oh, no. [Cut to Nancy and Donald] We’re still fighting Mr. Trump?

Donald Trump: My god, you almost gave me a heart attack.

Nancy Palosi: I’m sorry, Mr. President. If the government’s shutdown you can’t do the state of the union. It’s for security reasons, not because I’m vindictive or anything.

Donald Trump: I can’t do the State of the Union. Then guess what? You’re not flying to Afghanistan.

Nancy Palosi: Oh, no! I can’t go on my vacation to a war zone? What will I do?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Boy, this is like watching two grandparents fighting over the thermostat. Alright Nancy, you had your chance. Donny, let’s pick another one please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I’ll take that older Jewish woman on case four.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, that’s Chuck Schumer.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer holding his briefcase]

Chuck Schumer: Oh, that’s okay. I’m very happy for any attention.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay Chuck, show what is your offer?

[Cut to Chuck Schumer]

Chuck Schumer: Okay, my offer is, [Chuck opens the briefcase] whatever you want.

[Nancy walks to Chuck]

Nancy Palosi: Chuck, we’re not going that anymore. Remember we’re not caving like that.

Chuck Schumer: Oh right, yeah, [Nancy leaves] projecting strength. Okay. Let me put on my fiery red cheetas. Okay, my new offer is $15 and a pastrami on RYE.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay, “Deal or No Deal”, Mr. President. And remember, every time you choose no deal, a half a million federal employees work another day without getting paid.

Donald Trump: Cool story bro. No deal. [Donald closes the button]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh man. Well, speaking of getting paid, I need to thank our sponsors tonight.

[Cut to a picture of Green Beef]

Green Beef. Yeah, shouldn’t be green, but ain’t nobody at the FDA there to inspect it.

[Cut to picture of an old lady swimming in an ocean with a tube]

And also, Old Lady in Inner Tube Way Out in the Ocean. Getting the coast guard will be back soon. Hang in there Beth.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Alright, let’s pick again player.

Donald Trump: I sure will, player.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, hey, it don’t work both ways. I ain’t Kanye.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, I will go with case nine, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, that’s playboy Mitch McConnell.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell trying to hide behind his briefcase]

No Mitch, you can’t just disappear in the middle of this. Come on now. Poke your head back out your shell. We got a nice little juicy piece of lettuce for you. [Cut to Steve Harvey] Well, he ain’t going to be much help Mr. President. But I have to ask, who are you playing for tonight?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I’m playing for a little charity called Habitat for Hannity. [Cut to picture of Sean Hannity] It helps Sean Hannity build a second beach house.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh man, let’s just pick another number.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Let’s go with five, Steve.

Steve Harvey: Okay. [Cut to Maxine Waters holding her briefcase] That’s congress woman Maxine Waters.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: As I’ve said many times before, Maxine is a very low IQ person.

[Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: Uh-huh. Well, just a reminder I can now subpoena your tax returns whenever I want.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Like I said, she’s a genius, beautiful, a true missionary.

[Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: Yeah, that’s what I thought mother.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: All right, why don’t you choose again?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, who’s on case 8? Is that Cardi B?

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez holding her briefcase]

Steve Harvey: Um, no player. That’s Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: That’s okay. Trump and the GOP are just terrified of me because I’m under 100 and I know how to use Instagram. I mean just look at Mitch McConnell, he is already “Bird Boxing”.

[Cut to Mitch McConnel blindfolded]

Mitch McConnel : I can hear the girl. Stay away.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know what? Why don’t we just open three cases real quick and get this over with? Cory Booker?

[Cut to Cory Booker. He opens his briefcase. It’s written “Booker 2020”]

Cory Booker: Booker 2020.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, my god, not another one. Congressman Steve King from Iowa.

[Cut to Steve King. He opens the briefcase. It’s written “Whites”]

Steve King: Whites.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, at least the guy is consistent. Alright, wait a second. This time it is Cardi B.

[Cut to Cardi B holding her briefcase]

Cardi B:  This ain’t my business, but [Cardi B opens her briefcase] sh-money.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, you know what? This government going to be shut down for like a year. Let’s take a quick break.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, wait. I want to open the case from the Clemson football player.

[Cut to Pete wearing Clemson jersey and holding a crave case]

Steve Harvey: Okay. That’s not a briefcase. That’s a crave case from white castle.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I’d still like to have them opened Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh my god. Okay fine. Open the case please.

[Cut to Pete . He opens the crave case]

Pete Davidson: Hamberders.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Donald Trump: Oh, Steve. I haven’t eaten a hamburger in almost 15 minutes. I’m going to make that deal. [Donald hits the deal button]

Steve Harvey: What? You are ending the shut down for a hamburger? Well I guess that makes as much [Pete walks to the stage and hands over the base to Donald Trump] sense as anyone going on these days–

Steve, Donald and Pete: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Weekend Update: Attorney Drops Harvey Weinstein | Season 44 Episode 10

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Harvey Weinstein at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: It was reported that one of Harvey Weinstein’s lead attorneys is withdrawing from the case after he finally googled Harvey Weinstein.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of red moon at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Sunday night will bring super blood wolf moon, which is rare lunar eclipse and not as I assumed, the name of the band [The picture changes to a band] that just performed on our show. [The picture changes to the Instagram famous egg] A picture of an egg has set a new record on Instagram as the most liked photo in history. Meanwhile, over on twitter, a picture of an egg just called me [Picture changes to a tweet that says ‘Colin Jost’s a jag-ass queef weasel] a jag-ass queef weasel.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of written Gillette at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Gillette has released a new ad that addresses the issues of toxic masculinity which is great. I mean, [Picture changes to Colin Jost] Colin disagrees, but I love [Picture changes to a picture of written Gillette] when a company takes a firm social stance that literally nobody asked for. Like I remember one time [Picture changes to a tweet of flesh light] flesh light tweeted never forget on 9/11. And I was like, “Never forgot? When am I supposed to use this flesh light?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of TV show ‘Made in Staten Island at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Italian American groups are accusing MTV show Made in Staten Island of promoting negative stereotypes. These claims were denied by the show’s executive producer, [Picture changes to a chicken parmesan wearing a vest] a Chicken Parm in a wife beater. Yesterday was [Picture changes to Winnie the Pooh] Winnie the Pooh day. That’s a tough transition. Yesterday was Winnie the Pooh day. This according to a man on the subway explaining why he was wearing a red shirt and no pants. [Picture changes to a watch] A woman was arrested in Florida after she stole four watches and hid them inside her vagina. Officials became suspicious when the woman took a licking and kept on ticking.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of lorry at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: You thought we wouldn’t have a woman’s joke. A highway in Arizona was shut down after a tractor-trailer rolled over spilling 40,000 gallons of liquid chocolate on the road. For reference, [Picture changes to Shaquille O’Neal] here’s what 40,000 gallons of liquid chocolate looks like.

Kool-Aid | Season 44 Episode 10

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Alex Moffat

Beck Bennett

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Kool-Aid commercial. Kyle and Chris walk inside the house. They are wearing Lakers jersey]

Kyle: Doing sports together is awesome.

Chris: Totally, I’m thirsty.

[Red giant Jar Kool-Aid breaks the wall and comes in]

[Cut to the Jar]

Jar: Oh, yeah.

Kyle: Whoa! [Cut to Kyle] He just burst through the wall.

[Cut to the Jar]

Jar: Who’s thirsty for some Kool-Aid?

[Cut to the Chris]

Chris: I am.

[Cut to the Kyle]

Kyle: Yeah.

[Cut to Jar, Chris and Kyle]

Jar: Slap me some skin. [They have high-fives] Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Kyle and Chris]

Kyle: I want to be like Kool-Aid.

Chris: I want to be like Kool-Aid.

[Cut to Jar with his thumbs up.]

Narrator: Is this a Kool-Aid man? [Cut to TV playing Kool-Aid commercial] Oh, yeah. More like oh, no. We can’t laugh it off.

[Cut to three kids on a couch watching TV]

Kids: We don’t even want Kool-Aid.

[Cut to TV playing the Kool-Aid commercial, red jar breaking the ceiling, wall and everything to come in]

Narrator: Its time for us to set a better example.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner giving her presentation in the meeting hall]

Heidi: All our cost by 60%.

[Alex Moffat in red suit breaks the door and comes in with a jar of Kool-Aid in his one hand]

Alex: Oh yeah!

[Cut to people in the meeting cheering at Alex]

Narrator: It’s been going on far too long.

[Cut to Beck in his read outfit walking][Cut to across the street two men are carrying a glass slab][Cut to Beck]

Beck: Oh yeah.

[Beck starts to run towards the glass slab to break it]

[Cut to a kid breaking a playhouse]

Kid: Oh yeah.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin: You tell them, son. Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Kid. Kid kicks a wall of playhouse]

Kid: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to adults in a line with a glass of Kool-Aid]

Parents: Oh, yeah.

Narrator: But something finally changed.

[Cut to news reporter in her news set]

Reporter: The Kool-Aid man is in hot water after allegations of bursting through walls. [The screen is filled with the news reports against Kool-Aid]

Narrator: And there will be no going back. Because we believe in the best in a Kool-Aid man. [Cut to Beck Bennett running towards the glass slab] To say the right thing.

[Cut to Michael stops Beck from breaking the glass slab]

Michael: No, no, no, no, no man. Not cool.

Narrator: And to act the right way.

[Cut to Colin Jost teaching his kid manners]

Colin: You got to knock first, and then ask if you can enter, okay bud?

Kid: All right, dad.

[Cut to Heidi and Alex in Heidi’s meeting hall]

Alex: I didn’t realize you were doing something important. I am sorry.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Okay, well as I was saying— [Alex leaves the room]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin: Times are changing.

[Cut to Colin and his kid. Colin holds his kid’s shoulder]

Narrator: Because the Kool-Aid boys watching today will be the Kool-Aid men of tomorrow. Who’s thirsty for some Kool-Aid?

Weekend Update: Government Shutdown | Season 44 Episode 10

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. [Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin and Michael in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you, thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of newspaper that says ‘Government Shutdown enters 29th day’ in the left top corner of the screen]

Well guys, we were off for a month. But conveniently so was the government. President Trump, [The picture changes to Donald Trump] the man who said he would own the shut down clearly doesn’t care about the people who are working unpaid, who can’t afford basic things like food. Why would he care? He’s a billionaire who controls all the hamburgers in the world. [The picture changes to Donald Trump in a room full of hamburgers] Then after, McDonalds was done hosting his burger orgy, he went on television today and [Picture changes to Donald Trump giving speech] made a new proposal to end the shutdown and that proposal was basically, you give me $5.7 billion and I will give you back the dreamers. Am I the only who thinks it sounds like a hostage negotiation? I can’t wait to see his written proposal. [The picture changes to a paper that says ‘Give me a wall or bye bye dreamers’] And by the way, [Picture changes to Donald Trump giving speech]  These protections he’s offering are not even real laws. They are vague promises he’s making. I trust a promise from Donald Trump that as much as R Kelly in [Picture changes to Clair’s boutique door] Clair’s boutique.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump giving speech at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Yeah, I agree. That speech sucked. First of all, he didn’t even say hi. He just started talking like we were already talking. I found that to be rude. Then he said he’s going to stop half the crime and 90% of the heroine with something called ‘slats’. [Picture changes to a wall Donald Trump promised to build] Which as you can see, is a wall without all the wall. Hear that, Mexico. Good luck trying to crack this code. What are you going to do, pass your drugs and small children through those giant slats? Pshh. Imagine you’re a coast guard or TSA or any of the thousands of government workers that are actually stopping drugs and crime from getting to this country and you haven’t been paid in a month, and the president gets on TV, doesn’t say sorry or doesn’t even say hi, but instead he’s like, “Hey, what y’all think about ‘slats’?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller an a BuzzFeed logo at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost:  The other big news is BuzzFeed published a story that said Robert Mueller had evidence of Trump committing an impeachable crime. The details were so sketchy even Mueller’s team had to be like, “Sorry, fake news.” How disappointing was that. You know how many suburban moms had to retract their group text to their family reading [The picture changes to a phone with a text message saying ‘We got him’] “We got him!”? The crazy part is that the [Picture changes to White House] White House is now celebrating that Mueller disputed only this one aspect of the investigation while there are like 100 other crimes still on the table. If you got tested for every STD and your doctor said the good news is you don’t have chlamydia, you wouldn’t say that’s all I need to hear doc. No condoms for this guy.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller an a BuzzFeed logo at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: That’s going to be a meme. BuzzFeed, I think it’s great.  We all think it’s great that you want to help, but this is not really what we need from you. Y’all at BuzzFeed, you do memes and lists. Everybody’s got that aunt who has roaches and every thanksgiving she like, “Hey all, what should I bring?” and we are like, “Um, ice?” You bring the ice because we don’t want to be picking the raisins out of the turkey. That’s you, Buzz feed. You bring the ice. As Dr. King once said, don’t go chasing water falls. Please stick to the rivers and the lakes you are used to. There’s no shame in that. We all play a role. Look, sometimes kids come up to me and say, “Michael Che, I get all my news from you.” I say, “Don’t do that. I bring the Ice.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Anthony Scarmucci and a Celebrity Big Brother logo at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: It was Anthony Scaramucci who served as White House Communications Director for less than two weeks is joining the cast of Celebrity Big Brother while Sean Spicer is100%  the poodle on the mass singer. [Picture changes to Alexandria Oscsio-Cortez] It was also revealed that freshman representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will be giving lessons to her fellow democrat on how to use twitter more effective, followed immediately by Chuck Schumer [Picture changes to people in a zumba class] teaching zumba.

Ken Instagram | Season 44 Episode 10

Travis… Kenan Thompson

Deirdre… Cecily Strong

Michael… Pete Davidson

Victoria… Rachel Brosnahan

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a video clip of office building of Mattel]

Deirdre: Good morning, little Barbie interns. [Cut to intern meeting. The interns are sitting and Deirdre and Travis are briefing] Everyone have their morning iced whatevers and their doughy breakfast bready things?

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: That’s enough, Deirdre. Let’s get into it. There is a lot of work to be done. With the popularity of Barbie’s Instagram page, Barbie fans can connect with the brand more than ever before. But one question lingers. Deirdre?

Deirdre: Who is Ken? [Ken appears in the screen between Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Ken is style. Ken is the ideal boyfriend. Ken is Anglo. Ken is Wall Street. Ken is surf. Ken is sex, but only implied.

Deirdre: So today, we are launching the Instagram page for—

[Cut to interns, Michael, Victoria and Heidi]

Heidi and Victoria: Barbie.

Michael: Deirdre

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: For Ken, damn it.

Deirdre: Breathe Travis. What we need is for you to help us come up with the captions for his Instagram. [Cut to Deirdre and screen with Ken’s picture] So, here’s the first pick. [Cut to Ken’s picture. It looks like he’s looking at a black phone] What do you think Ken would say here?

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: How about, ‘This wallet is black’.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Oh, it’s not a wallet, it’s a cell phone.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Then why is he staring at it like it’s a wallet?

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: He’s taking a selfie. He’s being young and cool.

Deirdre: Michael, what’s your caption for this?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: How about ‘Ken’.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis][Deirdre and Travis are speechless]

Travis: Ken? You think Ken would caption his picture? Just ‘Ken’?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Right. How about’ Ken’s wallet’.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis][Deirdre and Travis are speechless]

Travis: It’s not a wallet.

Deirdre: Travis just told you he’s taking a selfie.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Well, you can’t do that with a wallet.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Deirdre, help me weather my fury.

Deirdre: It’s okay. Moving on. What’s your caption? [Cut to Victoria] What would Ken say here?

Victoria: Every time I see a picture of myself, I wonder, who am I even for? A I an accessory for Barbie? No more important than her big plastic brush? You know,  I could destroy her with six little words. “I know what’s under the Jacuzzi.”

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis][Deirdre and Travis are speechless]

Travis: Girl, now you listen to me. Ken has no intention of revealing barbie’s secrets for a profit. Ken is for money.

[Cut to Victoria]

Victoria: Ken is not doing it for the money.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: Let’s try another picture.

[Cut to picture of Ken bringing Barbie a piece of cake. Barbie is sitting with her puppy.]

Heidi: Okay. New picture. New wallet. [Cut to Heidi] Me, that lady, and baby raccoon.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: That lady is Barbie and she would never own a pet raccoon. That is her Yorkie and Barbie is his whole world.

Deirdre: Yes, captions for Ken. Remember? All right, Michael?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: I got it. How about, ‘Ken is there’.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Why would Ken say ‘Ken is there’?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Because he is. He wants people to know where they could find him.

[Cut to Travis]

Deirdre: Victoria?

Victoria: Somehow there is never [Cut to Victoria] a chair for me. The dog gets to sit and have a macaroon, but not Ken. Should I tell her I know what’s under the Jacuzzi? No, not yet. Save it for the big party right in the middle of her speech.

[Cut to Travis]

Travis: Listen to me, girl. There is nothing buried under Barbie’s Jacuzzi. I will tell you what’s going on in this picture. Ken bought a macaroon and she reached for her purse and Ken said “No, no, no, no. This is a date.” Then they gave each other a sweet dry kiss period!

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: Easy Travis, let’s give this one more good try before we release you permanently. I’ll give you an example. [Cut to picture of Ken, Barbie and another girl] “Oh! Another great party at Barbie’s.”

[Cut to the interns]

Heidi: Oh okay. I got it. ‘I think it’s right behind me. I should tell the raccoon.’

[Cut to Travis]

Travis: I swear to god. If I were a cartoon right now my face would inflate till it popped like a balloon.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: Michael, please give us a good caption.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: We should invite Ken to the party.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: Ken is right there.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Then who is taking the picture.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: I’m sorry. So you think he’s not at the party, but he is taking the picture?

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Yeah, he’s like that.

[Cut to the interns]

Victoria: Well, the party was last night. I interrupted her speech [Cut to Victoria] and said everyone follow me to the Jacuzzi. They gathered around and when they saw what was there, they were silent. Then they raised their glasses and cheered for Barbie. Later that night she turned to me in bed and asked, Ken whose name is written in pink all over these plastic walls? Is it Ken? I simply whispered, [Whispering] “No. It’s Barbie.” Then she said, “You are lucky I don’t put you outside with the raccoons.”

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Travis: Okay. Well, let’s schedule another meeting for Never-tober.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: I’m sorry, which day in Never-tober? I might have a thing.

[Cut to Deirdre and Travis]

Deirdre: The 36th. We’ll see you there.

Tabitha | Season 44 Episode 8

Tabitha… Leslie Jones

Craig… Kenan Thompson

Lauren Hobbs… Rachel Brosnahan

Mary Butler… Cecily Strong

Daniel… Mikey Day

Steven… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Tabitha show intro]

Narrator: It’s Tabitha.

[Cut to Tabitha in her set]

Tabitha: Welcome back. I have a big announcement. My book, [Tabitha takes her book out] “The Obedient Husband” just made the “New York Times” bestseller list. [Cheers and applause] Thank you, thank you. This book has helped so many couples. I couldn’t have done it without my wonderful husband, Craig. Thank you baby.

[Cut to Craig sitting between the audience, quiet and smiling]

[Cut to Tabitha]

Now, Craig is a great husband, but like all of us, he is not perfect. Before I was on TV, I was a life coach and a dog trainer. And one thing we emphasized in both dogs and husbands was communication. Let your spouse know when he’s doing something that you don’t like. Like the other day, I was annoyed after coming back from the grocery store. Take a look.

[Cut to vertical video taken from Tabitha’s mobile phone in their house. There’s a bag wrapper on the floor] [Tabitha is talking to Craig as if she’s talking to a dog]

Okay, I just got home and I see a bag of rolls on the floor. [Craig is sitting on a sofa. He’s quiet and guilty] Craig? Craig? Did you eat all the Hawaiian rolls, Craig? [Craig shakes his head gesturing no. He doesn’t speak a word.] Craig? Craig, I just bought these, Craig. [Craig looks away] Did you eat them? Craig! Craig! Craig, did you eat the Hawaiian rolls, Craig? [Tabitha takes the wrapper near Craig’s face] Craig. Look at me, Craig!

[Cut to Tabitha]

Now, Craig knew that was bad, right, Craig? [Cut to Craig between the audience, just nodding his head] [Cut to Tabitha] See, this is all outlining chapter 5, The Power of Shame. Craig, remember when you had that football party? [Cut to Craig between the audience, just nodding his head] [Cut to Tabitha] Take a look.

[Cut to vertical video taken from Tabitha’s mobile phone in their house. Their house is a mess after a party] [Tabitha is talking to Craig as if she’s talking to a dog]

Oh, my god, look at this! What a mess! Who did this? [Craig is standing at the corner facing the wall] Craig! Craig, did you do this? Oh, my god. Craig. Craig. Craig. Did you have a party? [Craig shakes his head no] Craig, did you have a party here? What’s that on your face, Craig? What’s that on your face? [Craig hides his face behind the plant] Is that cheese doodle dust? Is that cheese doodle dust? I can see it, Craig.

[Cut to Tabitha]

Craig knew I was disappointed. Now, this technique has worked for hundreds of women and I brought two of them here today. Please welcome Lauren Hobbs and Mary Butler.

[Cut to the stage. Lauren and Mary walk in.]

Thank you for being here and thank you for reading my book.

Lauren Hobbs: Oh my god. [Cut to Lauren and Mary] I loved the book. It has improved my relationships so much.

Mary Butler: Mine, too. You’re amazing Tabatha.

[Cut to Tabitha]

Tabitha: It’s not me. There are techniques that have worked for years for both husbands and dogs. Now Lauren, you have a boyfriend who just can’t grow up. He parties and stays out too late?

[Cut to Lauren Hobbs]

Lauren Hobbs: Well, I used to. Daniel and his friends would just go crazy, but with your techniques, they learn to respect my concerns. Look.

[Cut to vertical video taken from Lauren’s mobile phone in her house. The video clip is of Daniel and Benjamin standing in the kitchen] [Lauren is talking to Daniel and Benjamin as if she’s talking to the dogs.]

Daniel, Benjamin, who drank too much and bought an Xbox on Amazon Prime? [Daniel and Benjamin keep quiet] Daniel. Benjamin. Well, I know it was somebody. Who bought it? [Benjamin raises and puts is hand on Daniel’s shoulder] Daniel, [Daniel looks down guilty] I’m very disappointed.

[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]

Tabitha: Great communication, Lauren.

Lauren Hobbs: OH well, and he has been careful with his online hopping ever since. Haven’t you, honey?

[Cut to Daniel in the audience. He’s nodding his head like a dog.]

[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]

Tabitha: But I hear he hasn’t stopped the party.

Lauren Hobbs: Well, no, but we are working on that. [Cut to Lauren] I actually had to resort to your advanced shaming technique where I made a sign and took a picture of him next to it.

[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]

Tabitha: Hmm, let’s see that. [Cut to picture of Daniel with a sigh board that says “I hide meat in the couch.” (impression of a dog)] I hide meat in the couch.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren Hobbs: Yeah, he kept drinking late at night then bingeing on slices deli ham. But I never found the meat in the couch after that.

[Cut toTabitha]

Tabitha: Wonderful. And Mary? Your husband was being a little too secretive.

[Cut to Mary]

Mary Butler: Yeah, he was Tabitha, but using your techniques, I think helped both of us. Look at this.

[Cut to vertical video taken from Mary’s mobile phone in her house. The video clip is of confronting Steven about his hidden family photograph] [Lauren is talking to Steven as if she’s talking to a dog.]

Steven, I found this picture in your sock drawer. Is this your other family? Steven! [Steven is scared and does not make an eye contact] Did you leave town on business and start a secret family? Steven! Did you do that? Steven! Is that your baby? Oh, Steven!

[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]

Tabitha: Oh, my god!

Mary Butler: Don’t worry, Steven says [Cut to Mary] it was all a misunderstanding. It’s all about communication, right?

[Cut to Tabitha]

Tabitha: Girl, I think you need more than communication problems. When we come back, I’ll show you what Craig did to the vacuum.

[Cut to the stage with Tabitha, Lauren and Mary]

Lauren Hobbs: He has been so bad!

Tabitha: So bad.

Weekend Update: Sen. Elizabeth Warren on Running for President | Season 44 Episode 10

Colin Jost

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: More democratic hopefuls jumped into the 2020 race this week. Here to comment on her campaign is the first major democrat to throw her hat in the ring, Senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Elizabeth Warren comes in]

Elizabeth Warren: Hello Colin. How are you? [Cut to Elizabeth and Colin] Good to see you.

Colin Jost: Good to see you. Hello, senator. Thank you so much for being here. Are you excited about your campaign?

Elizabeth Warren: Well, you bet, Colin. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I haven’t been this excited since I found out my package from LL Bean had shipped. I’m ready to fight. [Cut to Elizabeth and Colin] Are you in this fight Colin? Because I want you in this fight. We got to fight.

Colin Jost: You say that word, fight, a lot.

Elizabeth Warren: Well, that’s the only ‘F’ word I know Colin, because I’m a fighter. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I’m fighting for the middle class. I’m fighting for medicare for all. I’m like if Monday Night Raw was hosted by NPR’s Terry Gross.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: That’s right. And your supporters really like that about you. Right?

Elizabeth Warren: You are damn right. I have been fighting my whole life. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I grew up in Oklahoma in between railroad tracks and a sand tornado. Widdling my own toys. My only friends were an empty can and a bull weave. While Trump was playing with a silver spoon, I was playing on the train tracks with one of these things. [Elizabeth Warren acts if she is using a wagon on the train track]

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: Well, politico as you saw was accused of sexism for an article saying that you are not like-able. What do you think about that?

Elizabeth Warren: Well, [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] look, yeah, I’m sorry I’m not young and pretty like Donald jackass Trump. Was the article sexist of course it was. Am I likeable? Probably not. But neither is a prostate exam, but you need one or you’ll die. This country Colin, is long overdue for a finger up it’s caboose. You might even like it. So bend over, America and let mama Warren get to work. [Elizabeth is point her finger and moving it]

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: You make a great point. What do you think the other potential candidates will be?

Elizabeth Warren: Look, I’m not worried. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] Biden and Bernie will be in their late 70’s while I am a spray and naughty 69. Beto O’Rourke, there is a reason he’s got a nice face and good skin. He ain’t done anything. Baby don’t know. Baby don’t know.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: Okay. And what do you think about Kirstin Gillibrand.

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, don’t you mean Kirstin stole my brand? Yeah, [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] medicare for all. What a novel concept. I have been saying that since 1963. When I was running the Wells Fargo wagon out of my town.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: That’s right. What about releasing the results of your DNA test. Do you think that will come back to haunt you?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Well, you know what? I did the DNA test and the test came back 100% bad idea. Who knew race science was not a good PR strategy. Lost that fight.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: That’s right.

Elizabeth Warren: Lost it.

Colin Jost: But you still think you can win?

Elizabeth Warren: I know the battle I’m facing. Look, [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] America, you will do everything you possibly can to not vote for a woman for president. All I am asking is that you let me be that woman.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Colin]

Colin Jost: Elizabeth Warren everyone.