Year: 2019

The Raunchiest Miss Rita | Season 44 Episode 10

Mrs. Maisel… Rachel Brosnahan

Rita May Johnson… Leslie Jones

Announcer… Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Mr. William Cosby… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with the door of Gaslight Café]

Mrs. Maisel: First, we’re downtown now, [Cut to Mrs. Maisel. She is on the stage of a standup comedy show] so if you have underwear on, you are overdressed.

Narrator: If you liked The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel–

Mrs. Maisel: Have you heard a saying ‘walk a mile in a man’s shoes?’ Well, I put on a pair of my husband’s shoes and my god, were they comfortable. I get why men rule the world. No high heels. Well, that’s my time. I’m Mrs. Maisel. Thank you and good night.

[Cut to Mrs. Maisel walking towards the bar]

Narrator: Then get ready for a whole new perspective.

[Rita May Johnson walks up to Mrs. Maisel]

Rita May Johnson: Mrs. Maisel, that was so inspiring to see a woman go on stage and do stand up.

Mrs. Maisel: Who knows, maybe someday you will be up there. [Drinking her martini]

Rita May Johnson: No. Not me, What would I even talk about?

Mrs. Maisel: Just be honest and say what’s on your mind. In fact, what about doing a set tonight?

Rita May Johnson: Tonight?

[Cut to the announcer on the stage]

Announcer: Coming up next, we got—this can’t be right. She sweeps the floors here. Rita May Johnson.

[Cut to the audience clapping]

[Cut to Rita May Johnson walking up to the stage][She walks to the mic]

Rita May Johnson: Hi.

[Cut to the silent audience]

Mrs. Maisel: Remember, [Cut to Mrs. Meisel between the audience] just say what’s on your mind.

[Cut to Rita May Johnson feeling nervous on the stage]

Rita May Johnson: Now is it just me, [Cut to the audience listening patiently] or– does this bitch look like she has never sucked a—[Bleep].

[Cut to Mrs. Maisel surprised]

[Cut to audience, silence at first, then burst laughing]

[Cut to Rita May Johnson]

Rita May Johnson: —[Bleep].

Narrator: It’s the Rauchiest Miss Rita. [Cut to video clip of the audience in the bar] A show that is a little less stylized and a little more in your face.

[Cut to Rita May Johnson]

Rita May Johnson: I went to this lady’s house and I opened the drawer, 100 dildos! [everybody laughing] You know what I told her? You only got 99 now, because a bitch need one. [everybody laughing] [Cut to audience laughing] [Cut to Rita may Johnson] You Mother–[Bleep]

[Cut to Mrs. Maisel and the announcer]

Mrs. Maisel: How long has she been on for?

Announcer: An hour and half.

Rita May Johnson: Is that the light? [Cut to Rita May Johnson] I ain’t never [Bleep] leaving.

[Cut to the scene of closing the bar]

Aidy: I gotta say that Rita’s got something.

Mrs. Maisel: You think so? What if she starts competing with me?

[Cut to Rita May Johnson]

Rita May Johnson: [Bleep][Bleep][Bleep]

[Cut to Aidy and Mrs. Maisel]

Aidy: Somehow, I don’t think there is much overlap. [Aidy leaves]

Mrs. Maisel: Also, what’s with the hat? Are you a Newzie?

[Cut to Rita May Johnson. She is smoking on the stage]

Narrator: With an even more exasperated, Tony Shalhoub.

[Cut to Papa and Mrs. Maisel]

Papa: This just isn’t how it’s done, Midge.

Mrs. Maisel: Papa, I’m good at this.

Papa: No, she is good at this.

[Papa points at Rita May Johnson on stage]

Rita May Johnson: This dude knows what I’m talking about, ain’t that right. Mother–[Blee]

[Papa is clapping out of laughter]

Narrator: Watch how Midge takes Rita under her wing.

[Cut to Rita May Johnson and Mrs. Maisel are talking, sitting on the booth of the bar]

Mrs. Maisel: Now, if you’re talking about core subjects, you may want to speak about them euphemistically.

Rita May Johnson: Okay. Okay. I got it.

[Cut to Rita May Johnson on stage]

Now we [Bleep] my ass. At least turn on the TV so I have something to watch.[Audience laughing]

[Cut to Rita May Johnson and Mrs. Maisel]

Mrs. Maisel: Oh, and you want to make sure to get the audience on your side.

Rita May Johnson: Right.

[Cut to Rita May Johnson on stage]

I bet your [Bleep] is so small – you [Bleep] on your nuts. [Audience laughing] She knows what I’m talking about.

[Cut to Mrs. Maisel laughing with the audience]

Narrator: From the creator of Gilmore Girls and some producers from Def Comedy Jam. The Raunchiest Miss Rita.

[Cut to Rita May Johnson leaving the stage and announcer is on mic]

Announcer: Rita May Johnson folks. This next comic is a lot more clean cut and wholesome. Welcome Mr. William Cosby.

[Mr. William Cosby walks on the stage]

Mr. William Cosby: Thank you.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson & John Mulaney Review Clint Eastwood’s The Mule | Season 44 Episode 10

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

John Mulaney

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: We are so happy to have this next guy back. Here to talk about a very important experience he had over the holidays is Pete Davidson. Hi, Pete. How are you Pete?

[Pete Davidson comes in]

Pete Davidson: I’m great. As you know, I had a really crazy month and [Cut to Pete Davidson] I want to talk about something that matters a lot to me.

[Cut to Colin and Pete]

Colin Jost: Mental health?

Pete Davidson: No. The new Clint Eastwood movie, The Mule.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Colin Jost: You want to talk about The Mule?

Pete Davidson: Colin, yo! It’s unbelievable. Have you guys not seen it?

[Cut to Pete, Colin and Michael]

Colin Jost: No.

Michael Che: No.

Pete Davidson: Morons. Listen, so I’m glad[Cut to Pete Davidson]  I brought someone who saw The Mule with me. It means a lot to us. Comedian and Mule appreciator, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney comes in]

John Mulaney: Michael. Colin. Hi. So, you guys are talking about The Mule?

[Cut to John, Pete and Colin]

Colin Jost: Um, no, basically never, no. I didn’t actually realize you guys hung out together.

John Mulaney: No, we do, but a lot of times [Cut to John and Pete] it looks like I’m Pete’s lawyer.

Pete Davidson: People usually think he’s like an NBA coach and I’m the controversial rookie.

John Mulaney: But, I have been spending time with Pete to try to show him you can have a life in comedy that is not insane. A sober domestic life.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. And after observing John’s life, I publicly threatened suicide. [Pete laughs] I’m sorry. I shouldn’t make that joke. It is funny though.

John Mulaney: Look me in the eye. You are loved by many.

Pete Davidson: Thank you, John. [Pete laughs]

John Mulaney: We are glad you are okay.

Pete Davidson: Okay.

John Mulaney: Now, back to The Mule.

Pete Davidson: Seriously, yeah.

John Mulaney: We went to see The Mule on opening day.

Pete Davidson: We didn’t go in with any expectations.

John Mulaney: This movie was, I dare say, the greatest–

Pete Davidson: Weirdest.

John Mulaney: Most bananas movie ever made.

Pete Davidson: About a 90 year old drug mule.

John Mulaney: You remember when Clint Eastwood berated an empty chair at the republican national convention?

Pete Davidson: It’s like if that was a movie.

John Mulaney: So, in The Mule–

Pete Davidson: The Mule–

John Mulaney: The Mule, Clint stars as a wildly popular botanist.

Pete Davidson: Flower man.

John Mulaney: Who after falling on hard times is hired as a drug mule.

Pete Davidson: At age 90–

John Mulaney: — 90, by a Mexican drug cartel–

Pete Davidson: –run by Andy Garcia.

John Mulaney: He was rude to me at a Lakers game once.

Pete Davidson: I remember that. When we say he is a mule, he drives drugs across state lines. I was hoping I would see him shove drugs up his ass which is what real drug users did.

John Mulaney: And what Pete did on the way to Denver.

Pete Davidson: Yes, because I forgot it was legal.

John Mulaney: I was proud of you for using a condom for once.

Pete Davidson: Yes. Anyway, plowing through, as they say. Clint Eastwood drives hundreds of kilos of drugs across the United States.

John Mulaney: That’s not the weird part.

Pete Davidson: The weird part is that he is 90 and he is driving.

John Mulaney: He is 90. When my grandma turned 90, we bribed the DMV to flunk her on her driving test and they did it.

Pete Davidson: [Pete freaking out] Why aren’t you guys freaking out? He’s old. There’s a scene where he’s driving with no hands and unwrapping an ice-cream sandwich and singing jazz and stuff. It’s insane.

John Mulaney: That’s when we realized that this was a super hero movie for old people about a guy whose super power is that he can drive unsupervised.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. And he’s so good that the head of a drug cartel played And Garcia–

John Mulaney: who was rude at a Laker game once.

Pete Davidson: Yes. I remember that. It’s true. He throws the mule a party for being their best driver ever.

John Mulaney: Fulfilling another elderly grandpa fantasy that a 90 year old white man can do any job better than a Mexican even when the job is Mexican drug trafficking.

Pete Davidson: Oh. We also forgot to mention. 90 year old Clint Eastwood has two threesomes in this movie.

John Mulaney: And he directed it.

Pete Davidson: Two! Two! I don’t think you guys understand. I had one. I guess you probably have none. Right?

John Mulaney: You are correct, sir. But according to The Mule, I have a solid 54 years before that window closes. [Pete Davidson cannot handle his laughter. He leans back and laugh] So look out in 2072 for my wish fulfillment movie, The Mule-Aney. [Cut to cover picture of the movie The Mule-Aney, with John Mulaney’s face] [Cut to John and Pete. Pete is still laughing leaning back] In that movie, I am 90 and I have three ways and Andy Garcia will move his legs so I can get to my seat.

[Cut to John, Pete and Colin]

Colin Jost:  Pete and John Mulaney everyone.

Millennial Millions | Season 44 Episode 10

Host… Kenan Thompson

Carrie… Rachel Brosnahan

Dylan Knot… Pete Davidson

Milanie… Aidy Bryant

Parrot head boomer… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Millennial Millions intro]

Narrator: A mortgage, debt relief, health insurance are just cash. All these could be your’s today on Millennial Millions. Here’s your host, [Cut to stage with Dave, Carrie and Dylan] Dave Tulane.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Hello. Hello and welcome to Millennial Millions. We have got two young contestants [Cut to Carie and Dylan] here today. Carrie, why don’t you tell us about yourself.

[Cut to Carie]

Carrie: Hey, Dave. I’m 26 years old and I love to get that health insurance because my company uses a lot of freelancers and we don’t get benefits.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Well, it’s tough to work at a start up. What’s the name of your company?

[Cut to Carie]

Carrie: Google.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Great, we have Dylan Knot. [Cut to Dylan] How are you Dylan?

Dylan: I’m doing great Dave. I’m 25. I have a masters from NYU and I’m an intern at Burger King.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, the corporate office?

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: No.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Well, that’s rough. Well the good news is you Millennials can win lots of cash and prizes. Just don’t let it all get taken by our baby boomers. [Cut to the stage. We can see baby boomers at the backstage behind the wall because of back light] [Boomer sound] Yes, that’s right, behind the wall are several boomers just waiting to take that money for themselves. [Cut to Host] Our friend Milanie has a song about them. Come on out.

[Cut to the stage. Milanie comes out of the door]

Milanie: Well, good evening. [Cut to Milanie] Now, who are the boomers?

Well, their parents came home from World War II
and had a lot of sex and had a lot of kids
and kids grew up in a prosperous time
where America was the only Super Power left.
Then they played all the music and did all the drugs
and had all the sex and they all went to college
and got all the jobs and made all the money
and bought all the houses and they won’t ever die.
They’re the boomers!

[Cut to the stage. Everyone applauding] [Milanie leaves]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Thank you, Melanie. I hope that sums it up. Carrie, give us a start.

[Cut to Carrie. She’s in a screen between the jackpot prizes]

Carrie: Okay. Here we go. Come on, health insurance! And stop.

Host: Okay. You got social security.

Carrie: Wow, awesome. Free money when I’m old.

[Boomer sound]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, well, not if boomer takes it all first. Who do we got? [Cut to the stage. Parrot head boomer comes out of the door dancing] [Cut to Parrot Head Boomer dancing and drinking her cocktail] Okay, it’s the parrot head boomer. That’s right. She worked as a banker for 30 stable years and then got an $8 million severance and moved to Key West. [Cut to Host] Now Carrie, this boomer is going to complain for 30 seconds. Make it that whole time without interrupting and the social security is yours.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: Okay. That sounds easy.

[Cut to Host]

Host: It sounds easy, but I know how you Millennials love anything that challenges your world view. 30 seconds on the clock. And go!

[Cut to split screen. Parrot head boomer at the left and Carrie at the right]

Parrot Head Boomer: You young people have it so easy and you sit around eating avocado toast watching movies on your phone. I never had that. I had to work. I mean $8 million is not what it used to be. So of course I’m taking the social security–

Carrie: I’m sorry. I can’t. You are taking the social security. Bitch, you are rich! [Buzzer sound]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, sorry, Carrie. You didn’t keep your cool.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: It feels so unfair.

Host: Well, [Cut to Host] maybe you can tweet about it. That will solve everything. [Host laughs] My goodness. I’m just playing. I’m Gen-X. I sit on the sidelines and watch the world burn. Devin, you’re up.

[Cut to Dylan. He’s in a screen between the jackpot prizes]

Dylan: Great, let’s do this. Come on, mortgage. And stop.

Host: Okay. Debt relief. [Cut to Host] Now Dylan, this prize can pay off your college loans up to $100,000.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Awesome. That will cover like half.

[Boomer sound]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh but wait! I think a boomer wants some of that money. Who’s there? [Cut to the stage. Collector boomer comes out of the door dancing and gesturing as playing guitar] Okay, [Cut to collector boomer] it’s the collector boomer. His finished his latter years of wiring everything he wanted in his youth. He owns six vintage cars and a wall of guitars. [Cut to the Host] But somehow he’s only an orthodontist.

[Cut to Collector Boomer]

Collector Boomer: Now this is music!

[Cut to the Host]

Host: Okay Dylan. We will give you the debt relief if you listen to our collector boomer without interrupting. Start this clock and go.

[Cut to split screen. Collector boomer at the left and Dylan at the right]

Collector Boomer: It’s crazy. I’d love to retire and free up a job for younger person. We’ve got the house in Jersey. There are house out on the cape which is a tax nightmare and this Scottsdale place. I mean it’s too much. What am I supposed to do.

Dylan: Sell one! Nobody needs that many houses! [Dylan leaves the show] [Buzzers sound]

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh! Too bad. Looks like Dylan left in a Millennial submit. I guess he had to find a safe space. [Host laughs] Again, I am Gen-X. I just sit back and do nothing like a referee at Wrestle Mania. Okay, Carrie, it’s your lucky day. That means you get to play for the boomer birth right bonanza. That’s right. That’s a full time job, a starter home, no student debt and we will throw in the social security. In other words, you will get everything the boomers got just for being born at the right time.

[Cut to Carie]

Carrie: Great. That hurts to hear.

[Cut to Host]

Host: But, to win it you have to spend 30 seconds getting a life advice from the toughest boomer of all. [Cut to the stage with Host and Carrie] [Boomer Sound] Your dad!

[The door opens. Dad comes out of the door.]

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Hi, pumpkin.

Host: All right. We have to take a break. [Cut to Host] But dad, give us a taste of what you are going to tell her.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, I was going to explain that I don’t have student loans because I worked my way  through college—

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: Yeah, right dad, because college cost $300 back then.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, don’t just start without me now. This is going to be good. We’ll be right back.

[Cut to outro of the show]

Kate McKinnon Is Worried About Matt Damon | Season 44 Episode 9

Matt Damon

Kate McKinnon

Miley Cyrus

Mark Ronson

[Starts with Matt, Kate, Miley, and Mark standing on the stage]

Matt Damon: Hi, I’m Matt Damon, and I’m hosting SNL with musical guests Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus.

Kate McKinnon: Matt, what’s been your favorite part of the week so far?

Matt Damon: Oh, the parties for sure.

Miley Cyrus: Oh, yes, the cast parties.

Kate McKinnon: What parties?

Mark Ronson: Remember that goat last week? [Miley, Mark, and Matt laughing]

Miley Cyrus: [Miley, Mark, and Matt laughing]That was too much.

Matt Damon: Goat!

Kate McKinnon: What parties?

Matt Damon: So good.

[Cut]

Matt Damon: Hi, I’m Matt Damon, and I’m hosting SNL with musical guests Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus.

Kate McKinnon: Mark. I’m such a big fan.

Mark Ronson: Thank you, Kate.

Kate McKinnon: Miley, you’re on fire.

Miley Cyrus: Back at you Kate.

Kate McKinnon: Matt, you doing okay?

[Matt Damon confused]

Matt Damon: What? Yeah. Come on. I’m fine.

Kate McKinnon: That’s good. [Kate gestures her head ‘No’]

Matt Damon: Fine.

SNL Host Matt Damon Goes All Out for Secret Santa | Season 44 Episode 9

Matt Damon

Beck Bennett

Mark Ronson

Miley Cyrus

Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clip of decorated Christmas tree][Cut to Matt Damon]

Matt Damon: And thus ended the great gift of 2004. [Cut to everybody sitting together] No, like I said, secret Santa [Cut to Matt Damon] is my favorite day of the year.

[Cut to everybody sitting together]

Beck Bennett: Me too.

Mark Ronson: All right.

Beck Bennett: Mark, you want to go first?

Mark Ronson: Yes, sure. Thanks. [Cut to Beck, Miley and Mark] [Mark opens the box] Oh. It’s a turkey sandwich.

Beck Bennett: Yeah, remember that one time I was eating a turkey sandwich and you were like, [Cut to Beck Bennett] “Looks good”.

Mark Ronson: I think I remember. [Cut to Beck, Miley and Mark] Yes, so you put it in the box and you gave it to me now.

[Cut to Matt Damon]

Matt Damon: That’s really, really weird Beck.

Beck Bennett: I don’t know. [Cut to Beck Bennett] I put my sandwich in a box.

Miley Cyrus: Okay, [Cut to Miley Cyrus] it’s my turn.

Matt Damon: Oh, well. [Cut to Matt Damon] The zig is up. [Cut to everybody] I got Miley this year. There you go.

Miley Cyrus: Thank you. [Cut to Miley Cyrus opening the box] [There’s diamond necklace inside the box] Oh, Matt. This is way too much. You said we were keeping it modest this year.

Matt Damon: [Cut to everybody] I know. I got carried away. [Cut to Matt Damon] I just love secret Santa.

Miley Cyrus: [Cut to Miley Cyrus] Thank you, so sweet. [Cut to Beck, Miley and Mark] Better than a turkey sandwich.

Beck Bennett: Well, I mean it depends on who you are.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt Damon: All right, I believe it’s my turn. [Cut to Cecily and Matt] Who is it?

Cecily Strong: It’s me.

Matt Damon: I knew it’s you. I know it.

Cecily Strong: I didn’t make eye contact.

Matt Damon: No, you didn’t. I was like, “It’s her”.

[Matt Damon opens the box and finds a scarf in it]

Cecily Strong: I made it myself. The scarf obviously. I didn’t finish it but.

[Cut to Matt Damon]

Matt Damon: Oh!

[Cut to Cecily and Matt]

Cecily Strong: Why don’t you put it on?

Matt Damon: Yeah! No, I’m- I’m so hot. I’m afraid I’ll get like a rash or some kind.

Cecily Strong: Do you like it?

Matt Damon: Yeah!

Cecily Strong: Then put it on!

Matt Damon: I don’t want to.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: It will definitely look good.

Mark Ronson: You should do it.

[Cut to Miley Cyrus]

Miley Cyrus: This was your idea. Secret Santa. Come on.

[Cut to Cecily and Matt]

Cecily Strong: Put it on.

Matt Damon: It doesn’t exactly go with–

Cecily Strong: Put it on.

[Cut to Matt Damon putting on the scarf]

Miley Cyrus: Oh, that is nice. [Cut to Miley and Mark]

Mark Ronson: Beautiful.

Matt Damon: I kind of feel like [Cut to Matt Damon] you guys are applauding to make me feel better about it.

Miley Cyrus: It’s great.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: Don’t ever say something like that.

Miley Cyrus: You should [Cut to Miley Cyrus] definitely wear that outside.

[Cut to Cecily and Matt]

Cecily Strong: Why? You don’t like it?

Matt Damon: I didn’t say that. You ruined my favorite day.

Cecily Strong: What’s that?

Matt Damon: Merry Christmas.

Weekend Update Angel Reacts to Good Holiday News | Season 44 Episode 9

Michael Che

Angel… Heidi Gardner

Tommy… Matt Damon

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: With the holidays coming up, everyone can use a little cheer. Here with “Weekend Update’s” good news report is every boxer’s girlfriend from every movie about boxing ever, please welcome Angel.

[Angel comes in]

Angel: Hi Michael.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Hi Angel, how are you?

Angel: You know,I’m hanging in there.

Michael Che: You have any big holidays plan?

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: Yeah, well, you know, Tommy’s got a big fight coming up on Christmas so I guess the only thing he will be getting from Santa is a concussion.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: He’s boxing on Christmas?

Angel: Not as far as I’m concerned. [Cut to Angel] I mean Tommy can get his sleigh bell rung all he wants but if he goes to that fight, I’m taking the kids to my sister’s.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Okay, Angel.

Angel: You hear me, Michael, the kids, I’m taking them to my sister’s.

Michael Che: All right, well here’s some good holiday news. How about that? Tyler Perry made headlines this week when he paid off over $400,000 in Walmart layaways.

Angel: [Disappointed] Oh–

Michael Che: What? What’s wrong with that?

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: I mean, what are you doing, Tyler Perry? You think you’re some hero, paying for people’s Christmas presents? Well, my kids already got their Gronk jerseys. What they need is their father. So unless you’re gonna be there on Christmas morning to say hello, then my biggest family reunion will be missing a few people, because I’m taking the kids to my sister’s.

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Okay. All right.

Angel: All right? That’s where we will be on Christmas, Michael. At 343 Donnie Wahlberg Way.

Michael Che: Let’s just change the subject. You’ll like this. ‘Creed II’ has made over $100 million at the box office. Did you get to see it?

Angel: [Disappointed] Aww—

Michael Che: What did I say now?

[Cut to Angel]

Angel: Oh, if you think for a second I’m taking my kids to see Creed’s kids fight Drago’s kids and not my sister’s kids and my sister, then you lost your damn mind, because I’m taking the kids to my sister’s!

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Come on, Angel, everybody loves another ‘Rocky’ movie.

Angel: Oh, yeah, [Cut to Angel] how many more sequels? Which one is enough? Michael B. Jordan? Nah, Michael be needing his Catheter changed three times a week. All right?

[Cut to Michael and Angel]

Michael Che: Angel, it’s just a movie.

Angel: Oh, Michael, you think it’s a movie—until it’s your life.

Tommy: Angel! [Tommy comes in] Angel!

Angel: Oh, my god! Tommy, [Cut to Angel and Tommy] what are you doing here?

Tommy: I can ask you the same thing. You said you were taking the kids to your sister’s.

Angel: Yeah, yeah, well, I did. And then I came here, to my job. I’m doing the news now for Michael Che. [Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy. Michael is confused.] And it turns out I’m pretty good at it.

Tommy: What? [Cut to Angel and Tommy] Now you’ve been on ‘Update’, you think you’re better than me?

Angel: Yeah, Tommy, I do.

Tommy: Look, I may have been born in the back of the cheers bar, but everyone knows my name, Tommy Ray Donovan, fighter and father to Mikey, Mickey, Peppens, Keno and the baby.

Angel: What do you mean?

Tommy: You’re pregnant, Angel.

Angel: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy]

Michael Che: How does he know before you?

[Cut to Angel and Tommy]

Tommy: I love you so frigging much.

Angel: I love you so frigging much, Tommy! Now you go out there and punch that man until you kill him! All right?

Tommy: I will.

Angel: All right, it’s Christmas!

Tommy: That’s right.

[Cut to Michael Che, Angel and Tommy]

Michael Che: Angel and Tommy, everybody!

Tommy: We’re naming the kid Gronk!

Angel: Even if it’s a girl.

Matt Damon Monologue | Season 44 Episode 9

Matt Damon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, Matt Damon.

[Cheers and applause]

[Matt Damon enters the door and walks to the stage. He claps with the audiences.]

Matt Damon: Thank you! Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so excited to be here for the ‘SNL’ Christmas show. [Cheers and applause] Nothing beats Christmas in New York city. Except Christmas in Boston. [Laughter] Go Sox! This is actually my second time hosting the show. The first time was 16 years ago. Yeah, that is five ‘Jason Bourne’s’ ago. [Laughter] I hosted the premiere of the 28th season. It was actually so long ago, it was Fred Armisen’s first episode. And tonight is Beck’s last episode.

[Cut to Beck Bennett back stage, shocked]

Beck Bennett: I’m sorry, say what?

[Cut to Matt Damon on the stage]

Matt Damon: Oh sorry, maybe they’re gonna tell you that later. But so much has happened in the last 16 years. I got married. I have four beautiful children. [Cheers and applause] I have been able to travel the world and meet so many wonderful people doing this job that I love to do so much. And if you told me that any of this would have happened 16 years ago, well, I might have believed you. But if you told me that Ben Affleck and would I have been washing cars in Summer Ville, Maschusetts, well I would have believed that too. [Laughter]

Now, I’m not actually here tonight to promote anything. I’m herejust  because I want to be. I certainly didn’t come all this way to suck. But if I do, at least my movie won’t suffer. Because I don’t have one coming out. [Laughter]

So it really does mean a lot for me to be here tonight. Growing up, my brother and I would go to my dad’s house every other weekend. And he told us if we could stay up until 1 AM, we could watch ‘Saturday Night Live’. So week after week I tried to stay up. But it wasn’t until I was 8 years old that I made it all the way to the end. And I probably didn’t get all of the jokes. But I laughed at everything my dad laughed at. And although it was way past our bedtime, my dad knew that there was nothing more important in the world than to laugh with the people that you love. So my father passed away a year ago yesterday.

But tonight my big brother is in Boston right now, watching with his two boys and all of my kids are here, including my youngest, who happens to be 8 years old. So, my wife and I told her that yeah, she can stay up tonight until 1 AM and she can watch ‘Saturday Night Live’. And she said, “Who’s hosting?” [Laughter] And I said, “Me, your dad. Matt Damon.” And she said, “Who’s the musical guest?” [Laughter]

Now because this is the last ‘SNL’ of the year, I just wanted to propose a toast [Matt Damon gets a glass of champagne] to everyone out there watching. Here’s to closing out the year, and to an even brighter year ahead. But mostly, here’s to all of the moms and dads to let their kids stay up too late for all of the right reasons. Cheers! [Cheers and applause]

Now we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Miley Cyrus and Mark Ronson are here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Cut for Time Glitter Litter Automatic Litter | Season 44 Episode 9

Matt Damon

Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a cat sleeping beside Glitter Litter automatic litter factory][Matt is calling his cat. The cat is ignoring him]

Matt Damon: Hey biscuit. Come here. Come here biscuit. Come here. [Matt turns around] Cats suck. Anyone who has lived with one knows what I’m talking about. [Cut to cat acting lazy] So maybe it’s time you got a little more out of our relationship [Cut to Matt] with your few line counter part. And maybe even make a few bucks while you’re at it. [Matt stands][Matt is introducing Glitter Litter automatic litter factory] With Glitter Litter automatic litter factory, it’s possible.

[Cut to animated video clip of how Glitter Litter automatic litter factory works]

The Glitter Litter automatic litter factory spray coats the cat’s business with glitter, then adds a coat of polyurethane. Next, chains attached and Woah-lah! [Cut to Matt wearing the gold necklace] A super dope necklace to wear over my jerseys. Fire.

[Cut to Matt playing snooker at the bar. A stranger approaches to him.]

Stranger: Oh, man! This chain is dope. How much you’re going for like? $200?

 Matt Damon: Sure.

Stranger: Be right back. I got to find ATM quick.

[Cut to cat getting inside Glitter Litter automatic litter factory]

 Matt Damon: Glitter Litter automatic litter factory can make [Cut to video clips of example jewelry made by Glitter Litter automatic litter factory] charm bracelets, chokers, earrings, barrettes, just about any kind of jewelry you can think of.

[Cut to video clip of how to use Glitter Litter automatic litter factory ]

Just select the style and type of jewelry you want and [Cut to cat getting out of Glitter Litter automatic litter factory] the next time Fluffy dumps a brownie, [Cut to Matt] you’ll own a remarkable piece of jewelry. Like this sick ring I’m wearing. Create timeless pieces that look good on anyone.

[Cut to Aidy and Heidi dining in a restaurant]

Aidy Bryant: Heidi, where did you get that barrette? It’s stunning.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Oh, this? A friend of mine dropped it off this morning.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: Can I buy it with a personal check?

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Sure. [Smiling]

[Cut to Matt]

 Matt Damon: Cats are morons. Isn’t it time you got a little payback in a relationship? Sounds like my cat and Glitter Litter automatic litter factory are done making my new grill.

[Cut to grill coming out of Glitter Litter automatic litter factory][Matt takes the grill and wears it on his teeth]

[Cut to Glitter Litter automatic litter factory and cat wearing Christmas hat]

Narrator: This Christmas, put your cat to work with Glitter Litter automatic litter factory.

Cop Christmas | Season 44 Episode 9

Kelly… Matt Damon

Carl… Kenan Thompson

Connor… Beck Bennett

Captain… Alec Baldwin

Paul… Kyle Mooney

Maureen… Cecily Strong

Rhonda (Bartender)… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a shot of a bar]

Kelly: All right, another round for everybody. [Everybody sitting in the bar drinking bar] I’m buying this time.

Rhonda: You got it.

Carl: Oh, Kelly’s buying.

Connor: That’s what I call a Christmas miracle.

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Kelly: Just for that, make his smaller than everybody else’s.

Paul: His wife told me somebody did.

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: Good one, Paul.

Connor: At least I still have a wife [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] to go home to, Paul.

Kelly: I bet Paul [Cut to everyone] would settle for a home at this point. [Everybody laughing]

[Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: You aren’t get any action sleeping at your sister’s house.

Carl: But I am!

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Paul: You guys are breaking my balls. Come on now!

Kelly: Reminds me, Paul, I got you a little Christmas present here. It’s a gift certificate to that new massage parlor downtown. Y

[Cut to Captain and Carl][Everybody laughing]

Captain: Yeah. For your lonely nights.

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Kelly: No, but really, it’s pretty nice place. [Emotional music playing in the background] It’s a full spa. They do really good massages, facials, hot stones. I know we break balls a lot. But you’re a good guy.

Paul: You know what? I can actually use this, thanks.

Kelly: I hope you do.

Paul: Thanks, man.

Kelly: Hey, Paul, Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Carl, Paul and Kelly]

Carl: Hey, Paul, I got you a little something too.

Paul: Really, Carl?

Carl: [Carl takes out a box and gives it to Paul] Yeah, sure.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: Headphones, hey, for what?

Carl: For when me and your sister get a little too loud at night! [Cut to everybody laughing] No, but seriously, [Cut to Carl and Paul] I know that can’t be easy for you, man. I mean I’m having sex with your little sister. You’re right there on the couch.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Those walls are paper thin. You must hear everything.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: I just mind my business. It’s cool.

Carl: No, it’s not cool! It’s not cool at all! And I know we break balls a lot. Right? [Cut to everybody agreeing] Yeah, we break a lot of balls. We’ve been friends since the academy. [Cut to Carl and Paul] I would hate to put a strain on that.

Paul: Say here, they’re noise-canceling beats by Dre. You must have paid a lot of dough for these.

Carl: Some of the boys gypped in.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Yeah, some of us felt pretty rotten about nailing her too.

[Cut to Everybody]

Paul: Thanks. That means a lot, Captain. I’m just happy she’s with you guys, and not some jerks.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Hey, Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas. Hey, is this a party or what?

[Maureen walks behind them]

Kelly: Where are you going? [Cut to Carl, Maureen, Paul and Kelly] Do a round with us, Maureen, come on.

Paul: It’s not like you have plans on a Friday night!

Maureen: Its’ a nice night, Paul. I figured I’d go let your mother out for a walk. [Everybody laughing]

Paul: You know what, Maureen, [Cut to Everybody] I think my mother would really like that. [Cut to Maureen and Paul] This fresh air could really do her good.

Maureen: Yeah, I think so too. Merry Christmas, Paul.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Kelly: All right, let’s get those shots! [Rhonda brings the shots]

Connor: How do you like that, we’re getting shots from the worst shot on the force!

Paul: Hey, you’re the worst shot I have ever seen, Connor!

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Connor: Yeah, right!

Paul: Yeah, remember when you accidentally shot my wife?

Connor: Who, Beverly?

Paul: Yes! I only had one wife and you shot her. What a goof!

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Who’s the boss tonight. [Captain takes the shot]

[Cut to Everybody]

Connor: Hey, look, Paul, I’m actually glad you brought that up [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] because—I haven’t been sleeping good since that all went down.

Paul: Hey, man, forget it. You know, it’s been months already.

Connor: No, no, let me say this, Paul. I shot your wife at your wedding. And I guess I had a few too many, and I messed up. Big time.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Any one of us could have shot his wife at their wedding.

Connor: Yeah, sure, [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] but I did. If I’m being honest, part of me still feels like it’s the reason she left you that night. I’m sorry, okay. I’m truly sorry, man. [Connor stands and leaves]

Paul: Wait, Connor. [Connor pauses] Merry Christmas.

Connor: Merry Christmas, man.

Kelly: Merry Christmas, Connor.

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Hey, Rhonda, put everything on my tab.

[Cut to Rhonda]

Rhonda: They’ve already been using your card. It’s 2 grand!

[Everybody laughing]

[Cut to Everybody]

Paul: You guys breaking balls! [Everybody laughing]

Christmas Ornaments | Season 44 Episode 9

Husband… Kyle Mooney

Wife… Melissa Villaseñor

Drunk Santa… Beck Bennett

Good Will Hunting ornament… Matt Damon

Harry Potter… Mikey Day

Souvenir from Cleveland… Kenan Thompson

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Barb… Aidy Bryant

The Angel… Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clip of house in Christmas]

Husband: There it is. I love this one, [Cut to husband and wife decorating Christmas tree inside their house] drunk Santa. This baby’s going front and center.

Wife: Oh, come on babe, drunk Santa is tacky. This is a classy tree.

Husband: Okay, sorry. Drunk Santa, you’ve been sentenced to the back of the tree. [Husband places the Drunk Santa at the back of the tree]

[Cut to ornaments at the back of the tree]

Drunk Santa: Wait, wait, wait, wait, where am I! [Talking over each other] Why am I back here with all of you?

Souvenir from Cleveland: All of us losers? The d-listers? Face it, Fish, you’re one of us! [Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland] The ornaments that are only seen by the wall. I’m your peer now. Take a good look at me! I’m a souvenir from your trip to Cleveland. You heard that right, Cleveland. And greeting singular from Cleveland, I was clearly bought at an airport. I’m head to toe nudes and when you lose, you lose. I’m back here with the freaks, and the fuglies, and now you are too.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland, Drunk Santa and Good Will Hunting ornament]

Drunk Santa: But I’m funny.

Souvenir from Cleveland: Ha-ha! You all hear that, he’s funny! Fool, you’re tacky, and tacky goes in backy!

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: But I was in front of the tree once.

Good Will Hunting ornament: So was I, fish, [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] years ago. And for your consideration promotional “Good Will Hunting” ornament. Yeah, cause that makes sense. “Good Will Hunting” screams Christmas. [Cut to Drunk Santa confused] And get this, I can talk too. You want to hear that sound like with [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] 20 year old batteries?  [In dead battery voice] “How do you like them apples?”

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh, no, I don’t like them at all!

Good Will Hunting ornament: What, [Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament] you don’t think it’s fair? On the back of me, you know what it says? It says, “Happy holidays from the Weinstein company”. Yeah, that holds up. [Cut to Drunk Santa] I’ve aged about as well as Rudy over there.

Drunk Santa: Who’s Rudy?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: Me, a Rudy Giuliani Ornament from 2001. I still don’t understand why I’m back here. I’m America’s mayor. Did something change?

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Yes, you see that Fish, you got to accept you’re back of the tree material now. Don’t be like Harry Potter, who refuses to accept that. Since the back of his quidditch broom broke, he looks like he’s doing something nasty.

[Cut to Harry Potter. It looks like he’s holding his penis in place of the broom]

Harry Potter: Be quiet! I look like I play quidditch, and nothing more!

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland:  You look like the cover of a “Harry Potter” porno!

[Cut to Harry Potter]

Harry Potter:  No, I don’t. And when they get me a new broom, I’ll be back on the front, you’ll see!

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Potter’s got the most dangerous thing you can have back here, hope.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right, Fish. You should give up, like Barb.

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Barb, who’s Barb?

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Kill me!

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh god, what is she?

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Beats me. Kid brought her home from Kindergarten, and said I made a Christmas and that’s all we know.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Barb, what the hell even are you?

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Barb is dead. You call me what I am. You call me Macaroni turd.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland, Drunk Santa and Good Will Hunting ornament][Someone starts to sing]

Drunk Santa: What is that?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani:  That my fiend, is the angel.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: She’s a destroyed ornament kept for sentimental value.

Souvenir from Cleveland: She used to be the angel, [Cut to the Angel facing sideways] living large up on top of the tree. And then a light bulb melted off her damn head. [The Angel turns her head. Her half head is melt.] She’s never been the same since.

[The Angel sings in a horrible voice]

[Cut to Harry Potter]

Harry Potter: She sings us to sleep ever night. The anthem of the ugly, the hymn of the hideous.

[Cut to Souvenir from Cleveland]

Souvenir from Cleveland: Let me be the first to say greeting from the back of the tree.

[Cut to Barb]

Barb: Macaroni turd could be a friend to you.

[Cut to Drunk Santa]

Drunk Santa: Oh, god, I can’t believe I’m going to spend my Christmas back here with you people.

[Cut to Good Will Hunting ornament]

Good Will Hunting ornament: Believe it Fish, you’re one of us now. [In dead battery voice] How do you like them apples?