2019 - Page 38 of 42 - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Weekend Update: Melissa Villaseñor’s Grammy Awards Picks | Season 44 Episode 12

Colin Jost,

Malissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow night is the 61st Annual Grammy Awards, here to talk about who she thinks should win is our very own Melissa Villaseñor.

[Cut to Malissa Villaseñor coming in dressed as Lady Gaga]

Malissa Villaseñor: Yeah, thank you, Colin.

[Cut to Colin and Malissa]

You know, everyone has been on the edge of their seats waiting to hear my Grammy picks. Here we go.

Colin Jost: Okay, wait – hold on one second. Melissa, are dressed up as Lady Gaga?

Malissa Villaseñor: What? No, I just wore this for all my Melissa Monsters out there.

Colin Jost: All right. Sure, so let’s get started with the Grammy picks. Who is your choice for song of the year?

[Cut to Malissa]

Malissa Villaseñor: Oh, my god. I just heard this song for the first time this morning. It’s called “Shallow”. Have you heard it?

[Cut to Colin and Malissa]

Colin Jost: The Lady Gaga song? Yeah, I’ve heard it.

Malissa Villaseñor: That’s Gaga? Wow. So you have heard it.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I mean pretty much everyone has heard it basically everyday for the past three months, yeah.

Malissa Villaseñor: Well, in case you haven’t heard it –-

Colin Jost: We have.

Malissa Villaseñor: It goes a little something like this –

[Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

♪Tell me something girl, are you happy in this modern world♪

[Cut to Colin and Malissa]

Colin Jost: Okay. All right. Yes, great. I know you’ve been trying to get your Lady Gaga impression on the show for a while now.

Malissa Villaseñor: How dare you. I’m not doing an impression. I am Melissa. And this is my famous Grammy preview.

Colin Jost: Okay, because you’re wearing a Lady Gaga wig.

Malissa Villaseñor: This isn’t a wig. I was born this way.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay. Is just makes it seem like you’re a little obsessed with Lady Gaga.

Malissa Villaseñor: So what Colin? When I heard this song for the first time this morning, I felt like I was –

[Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

♪Falling in all the good times I find myself
longing for change and in the bad times I fear myself♪

[Kyle Mooney comes in and sing’s Bradley Cooper’s part]

♪In the Shall la-la-la low
In the Shall la-la-la low♪

[Kyle Mooney leaves]

Colin Jost: Wait! That was Kyle’s whole part? That was it?

Malissa Villaseñor: Yes.

Colin Jost: This is great, but I don’t know we could afford the rights to perform “Shallow” on the show. I’m sorry.

[Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

Malissa Villaseñor: Hey.

♪Tell me something boy, aren’t you tired trying to fill that void.
[cut to Malissa and Colin]
or do you need more, ain’t it so hard keeping it so hardcore♪

Colin Jost: Well, sometimes yes.

Malissa Villaseñor: [Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

♪oh oh oh, whoa whoa whoa whoa
I’m off the deep end watch as I dive in
I’ll never meet the ground♪

[Cut to Malissa and Colin]

Malissa Villaseñor: Melissa Villaseñor, everyone!

Tucker Carlson Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 11

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Wilbur Ross… Kate McKinnon

Roger Stone… Steve Martin

[Starts with Tucker Carlson Tonight intro]

[Cut to Tucker Carson in his news set]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening, everyone. I’m Tucker Carlson. I’m like if those shorts with the little whales on them came to life. Our top story tonight, president Trump’s heroic end to the shutdown. It took him 35 days, but he was finally able to get no wall. Meanwhile, as the democrats stall, the crisis at our border rages on. Here with her take is the host of justice with Judge Jeanine. Jeanine Pirro. Jeanine, how are you?

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: A lot.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Jeanine Pirro at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Now, Jeanine, I’m going to smugly ask a question I already know the answer to. Warning towards viewers, my voice will get very high.

[Cut to Tucker Carson]

These democrats, do they want MS-13 invading their towns and tying up their hands and feet with duct tape?

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Sadly, the answer to that question is ‘Si Senor’. At this point Ms-13 is getting so brazen they’re promoting their own holiday in America. It’s called [Cut to ad banner of the holiday] ‘Sicario Day of the Soldado’.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Jeanine Pirro at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Wow. What is the president’s next step, Jeanine? And to show I’m really paying attention to you, I’m going to put my listening face. I call it dog looking in a mirror.

[Tucker Carson starts to stare at the camera like a dog]

Jeanine Pirro: Well, tucker, we have to take a Marie Kondo approach to cleaning up this country. If something doesn’t spark joy, throw it out. You know what doesn’t spark joy in me? Guatemalans.

Tucker Carlson: Terrific, let me ask you this, weren’t the furloughed government workers happy to go without pay because they believe in the president and the wall?

Jeanine Pirro: Definitely not, but absolutely yes. I spoke with dozens of TSA workers, and they said they were so honored to work for free. And then they did the universal gesture for jerking off. That’s how excited they were.

Tucker Carlson: Jeanine, you’re the best.

Jeanine Pirro: [Yelling] I know.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: Of course, democrats are using the shutdown to portray the Trump administration as out of touch with every day Americans. But that’s simply ridiculous. Here to comment is Secretary of Commerce and Man of the People, Wilbur Ross.

[Cut to Wilbur Ross.]

Wilbur Ross: Where do I look? Do I look into the spaceship?

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Wilbur Ross at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Now, Wilbur, earlier this week, you said that you didn’t understand why furloughed government workers needed food assistance, because they could just take ‘low-interest loans instead’?
Wilbur Ross: Right, well, that was silly of me. [Cut to Wilbur Ross] I simply meant that there are other ways of getting money. They could have liquidated some of their stocks, or sold one of their paintings. Even if they sold a lesser Picasso, it’s still going to get you through a week or two of yacht maintenance.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: I still think that comes across as insensitive to people living paycheck to paycheck.

[Cut to Wilbur Ross]

Wilbur Ross: No, no. All I meant was, that we all have to make sacrifices in times of hardship. For example, instead of going out to dinner, you could open a restaurant in your house. For a period of time, you could have your horses attend public school. The small things add up.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: You don’t think the Trump administration is out of step with the American people?

[Cut to Wilbur Ross]

Wilbur Ross: No, no. Look, maybe I do sleep in one of the cocoons from the movie “Cocoon”. That doesn’t mean I live in a bubble. I live in a cocoon.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: My thanks to Secretary Ross. Our final story this week, of course, is the dramatic, some would say ludicrous arrest of long time Trump associate Roger Stone. The man is 66 years old, frail, barely able to post shirtless photos of his jacked body. Clearly no threat to anyone. Yet this is how the FBI raided his home.

[Cut to video clips of FBI raiding from action movie Captain America- Civil War.]

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Oh, my god, just horrifying. Here with his side of the story is a man you look at and instantly think, I trust this guy. Please welcome Roger Stone.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Roger Stone: What a fun couple of days. I’m loving the ride, go Nixon.

Tucker Carlson: Mr. Stone. You had a harrowing past 36 hours, your home was raided, you were arrested and charged with seven felony accounts. Including lying to congress.

Roger Stone: That was four counts.

Tucker Carlson: The indictment says seven.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: Okay, I’m lying. Honestly, I think I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I mean, seven felonies, one, two – I can’t even count that high. How cool is that?

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Mr. Stone, what I think you’re really trying to say is that you’re feeble old man right?

Roger Stone: Yeah, right, the pity thing. I’m a poor helpless old man, I’m 66. I’m almost so old as sting.

Tucker Carlson: And that’s why it was so awful the way the police raided your home.

Roger Stone: Exactly. The whole experience was so harrowing. [Cut to Roger Stone] And afterwards I could only manage one radio interview. And a speech from the steps of the courthouse and two appearances on television. It’s horrible.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: And you – and haven’t these ridiculous accusations made you poverty stricken as well?

Roger Stone: Oh, yeah, that’s right. I’m broke from my legal battles and now no one will buy my books.

Tucker Carlson: Why will no one buy your books?

Roger Stone: Because they’re bad.

Tucker Carlson: Just tell people how they can donate money to help you.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: I’ve set up a donation page based on phrase people have been yelling at me called “hey, roger, go fund yourself”.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Thank you for your time Mr. Stone.

Roger Stone: Pardon me?

Tucker Carlson: I said, thank you.

Roger Stone: Oh, no. That wasn’t a question, I was saying that to the president. Pardon me.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: Well, I’m sure he appreciates your loyalty and your eccentricities.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: Hey, I’m just a normal and straight forward guy. And live from New York. It’s Saturday Night.

Leave Me Alurn | Season 44 Episode 10

Rachel Brosnahan

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Alex Moffat

Pete Davidson

[Starting with a woman walking alone on the hills with a backpack.]

Narrator: Travelling solo, it’s my favorite. I love exploring with no one to please but myself.

[Cut to beautiful scenery of jungle, river and hills.]

Narrator: But when you’re a woman, [Cut to Rachel enjoying the view.] there is one very real danger. [Cut to Beck walks to Rachel.] Unwanted small talk.

Beck: This view, right? Reminds me of the episode of twin peaks where the girl gets murdered. Are you seeing anyone?

[Cut to Rachel speechless.]

[Cut to Kate enjoying her yoga at the park.]

Narrator: And having headphones in isn’t always enough [Cut to Kate meditating with her earpods on. Kenan walks to Kate.] to keep men I don’t know from talking to me.

Kenan: Om. That’s you. Om. You heard of Buddhists?

[Cut to Rachel sitting on the rocks with her backpack beside her.]

Rachel: That’s why wherever I go, [Taking her urn out of the bag] I always pack this.

[Cut to decorated urn with shoes, binoculars, shoes, maps, etc.]

Narrator: Introducing ‘Leave Me Alurn.’ ‘Leave Me Alurn’ is a portable urn of women travelers [Cut to different video clips of women traveling alone.] to make men think you are about to scatter your dad or grandpa’s ashes in a meaningful place. So they back the hell up off.

[Cut to Rachel, she takes her ‘Leave Me Alurn’ out.]

Rachel: This was his favorite spot. [Cut to Beck wondering what she is saying] It’s what he would have wanted.

Beck: Oh, okay. I didn’t realize. I’m going to let you – I didn’t know – sorry. [Beck leaves Rachel alone]

[Cut to Rachel holding ‘Leave Me Alurn’ close, smiling]

Rachel: Confrontation avoided. Thanks, ‘Leave Me Alurn’.

[Cut to Kate being annoyed by Kenan]

Narrator: You only take one vacation every seven years. Go ahead. Give them the urn.

[Kate takes her ‘Leave Me Alurn’ out of her bag.]

Kate: He always wanted to see the ocean. [Cut to Kenan shocked] Better late than never, I guess.

Kenan: I’m sorry. That’s a– I’m interrupting a little funeral. Forgive it. [Kenan leaves in shock]

[Cut to Kate smiles]

Kate: He’s gone and I didn’t have to be a bitch about it. Thanks, ‘Leave Me Alurn’.

[Cut to video clip of human cartoons.]

Narrator: ‘Leave Me Alurn’, it’s a conversation prophylactic that gives the impression that ashes could blow up to 50 feet away and that’s how far men will stay from you. And it’s not just a fake urn, [Cut to Rachel. She pulls up a wire from the bottle of the urn.] it’s also a portable phone charger. And it’s even a stainless steel water bottle. [Cut to Kate drinking water from the urn. Kenan sees her drinking water from it and gets disgusted.]

[Cut to Melissa walking inside a bar and getting a drink]

‘Leave Me Alurn’ also works great back home for those little ‘just because I look friendly doesn’t mean I am friendly’ moments with boy strangers.

[Cut to Alex walks to Melissa at the bar.]

Alex: Is this seat taken?

Melissa: It was. Brought him back one last round.

[Cut to Alex getting disgusted]

Alex: Never mind.

[Cut to Alex] Can I buy you ladies a – [Cut to all ladies showing a ‘Leave Me Alurn’]

Oh, come on! [Alex leaves]

[Cut to video clip of ‘Leave Me Alurns’]

Narrator: ‘Leave Me Alurn’ travel urn, for her. Kills small talk dead. Call now and you will also get [Lowe Back Spikes is shown in the screen] lower back spikes.

Because there is never a reason to touch a woman’s lower back when walking past her. Like never.

Pete: Excuse me! [Walks behind a woman] Ow! My hand!

Best Christmas Ever | Season 44 Episode 9

Wife… Cecily Strong

Husband… Matt Damon

Wife’s family members… Aidy Bryant, Beck Bennett, Mikey Day

[Starts the video with decorated Christmas tree][Cut to other Christmas decorations][Cut to the title of the video ‘Best Christmas Ever’][Cut to fireplace in the house][Cut to husband sitting on a couch at night. His wife joins him and sits beside him]

Wife: Okay, kids are finally asleep. All right, what is there left to do? Dishes?

Husband: Already done.

Wife: Oh, my god, you are an angel. So did you have a Merry Christmas?

Husband: Are you kidding me? That was the best Christmas ever.

Wife: Really?

Husband: Babe, I had a smile on my face from the moment I woke up.

[Cut to past early in the morning, kids open the door and enters the room. Husband and wife are sleeping]

Kids: Mom! Wake up! [Kids start to jump on the bed] It’s Christmas! Wake up. Wake up.

[Cut to night stand clock that shows 5:41 in the morning. Husband looks at the clock.]

Husband: Oh, my god! Are you [Bleep] kidding me?

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: I think I was more excited than the kids.

Wife: I know, I was the same way.

[Cut to husband and wife sitting on a couch at day time. Kids are yelling.][Cut to kids opening presents below the Christmas tree.][Cut to husband and wife tired and annoyed.]

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: They liked their presents, Right?

Wife: Dana loves her playhouse. You weren’t up too late building it, were you?

[Cut to husband struggling to put the playhouse into place. It doesn’t work out, so he kicks the house.]

Husband: [Angry] This is [Bleep]! Piece of [Bleep]!

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: No. It was a breeze.

Wife: My family didn’t ruin your day, did they?

Husband: No, I love that we hosted this year.

[Cut to husband opens the door welcoming his wife’s family.]

Husband: Merry –

[Cut to Beck and Aidy complaining and getting inside.]

Beck: Traffic was awful!

Aidy: Three hours!

Beck: Whoa, you gained weight! [Laughs]

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Wife: Are you sure?

Husband: Honestly, babe, they made my day.

[Cut to kids annoying husband. Husband is on the floor, and kids are jumping on him and yelling.][Cut to Cameron coughing. Husband notices him.]

Husband: Hey, Rach, is Cameron sick?

[Cut to Cameron smiling with his running nose.]

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: I can’t believe your cousin made the drive.

Wife: I know. It was so nice to see him.

Husband: Yeah.

[Cut to Mikey sitting next to Aidy on a family dining table with his Trump’s “Make America Great Again” hat.]

Mikey: Why do I have to take it off? Why?

[Cut to wife sitting across the table.]

Wife: Because it’s my dinner table, in front of my kids!

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: You’re racist against whites!

Wife: What?

[Cut to Mikey and Aidy]

Mikey: You’re racist against whites!

Aidy: She is.

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: How about you, the hostess with the moistest? Taking care of everybody? How do you do it?

Wife: I guess I was just full of Christmas cheer.

[Cut to Wife slurring a glass of wine in the kitchen with Aidy.] [Cut to Wife slurring a glass of wine in the kitchen alone.] [Cut to Wife smoking cigarette outside with a glass of wine.]

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Husband: Well, I had a perfect day.

Wife: Me too.

Husband: This is going to sound corny, but [Cut to kids arguing] I don’t know if it was you and the kids – [Cut to husband hugging his daughter, daughter is crying]

[Cut to husband hugging his daughter, daughter is crying]

Husband: [Cut to husband hugging his daughter, daughter is crying] You’re not adopted. She’s not adopted. Why would you call her that?

Husband: Or the family being here— [Cut to family dancing. Beck stands and farts at husband’s face] [Cut to Husband opening his present. His present is slippers that look like feet of a bear.]

Husband: [Cut to Husband opening his present. His present is slippers that look like feet of a bear.] But I definitely felt some Christmas magic today. [Kids are looking at their father to see his reaction.] Absolutely love them! Come on, guys. [Kids hug their father.]Thank You, guys. Thank you, guys.

[Cut back to husband and wife sitting on a couch again]

Wife: Best Christmas ever?

[Husband puts his legs on the table. He’s wearing his bear feet slippers.]

Husband: Best Christmas ever.

Kids: Mom! He’s in my room! Get out!

Husband: I’ll go in there. [Husband goes to his kids.]

Weekend Update 1/20/96

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic]

Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thanks! Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

The nation is still reeling from Thursday’s bombshell announcement that Lisa Marie Presley has filed for divorce from Michael Jackson. According to friends, the two were never a good match; she’s more of a, uh, stay-at-home type, and he’s more of a homosexual pedophile.

This week, in a speech honoring Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., President Clinton said that if Dr. King were alive today, he would have supported the deployment of U.S. troops to Bosnia. Later, when asked how he could use the late civil rights leader’s name in such a self-serving manner, Clinton hopped a plane to England and lit up a big fat joint.

Meanwhile, President Clinton is hard at work on Tuesday’s State of the Union Address, in which he’ll focus on crime, education, and the economy. At the request of the First Lady, part of the President’s speech will be huge lies.

This week on NBC’s “Dateline,” three members of the Simpson jury explained their “not guilty” votes, and argued that if Simpson had killed his wife, there should have been blood stains all over his gate, front door, and light switches. Also this week, Simpson friend Al Cowlings released his video How to Get Blood Stains off Gates, Front Doors, and Light Switches. [cheers and applause]

And in Brentwood, O.J. himself was spotted manning a lemonade stand with his daughter Sydney. Asked by reporters why sales were so poor, O.J. replied, “Beats me.” And then he went back to cutting lemons with a giant knife.

Well, bad news for ice cream moguls Ben and Jerry. This week, the Food and Drug Administration banned their newest flavor: Ben’s Back Hair.

In an interview last week, Administrator of the FAA David R. Hinson explained why English is the only language used by pilots around the world. It turns out all the other languages are weird….Can’t even hardly understand most of ’em.

John Goodman has announced that he will not be returning to “Roseanne” next year, so how will the show get rid of him on screen? Well, insiders now say that over the last few episodes of the season, Roseanne will gradually eat him. [some cheers and applause]

And now, folks, here with the local news is our own Joe Blow! Hey Joe!

[pan over to Joe]

Joe Blow: Thanks, Norm. In local news, I’m barely treadin’ water. Kids across the street are playin’ with fire, and the guy around the corner is skatin’ on thin ice.

In foreign relations, Norm, the new family two doors down, they make noise all night, they play their music. They got 12 of them living here on one visitors visa. They’ve got the car in the living room and the couch on the lawn. They come down the block, they take up the whole sidewalk. I walk past them, they squeeze me out into the gutter. Norm, in your opinion, what is the action I should take, if any?

Norm: I – I – I – I don’t really feel qualified, Joe, I… [Joe nods]

Joe: In economic news, the job is still the job. Everybody gives you the silent treatment. Unless they’re tryin’ to sell you candy for the kids’ Catholic school. You have to buy at least two boxes, or else they call you a cheap bastard behind your back. I brought five boxes of Russell Strover’s from Rosario the checker. It didn’t help. Meanwhile, now his kid wins a new 10-speed, I’m still out on the loading dock with one glove. Nobody knows what happened to the other one, but of course, I have my suspects. Then you got Fat Anthony, drives the forklift, Norm. He swings the blades, he barely misses your shins. One time, all right, it’s a joke. Two or three times, I’m gonna take off my glove, eventually.

In domestic news, I had to get my son out of jail again. He wants to be a tough guy. I was the same way, in a gang, Norm. We all were, right? [he and Norm nod]…The Coronets, Norm. The Coronets.

In entertainment news, I went to see that movie, the one with the guy with the girl with the guy with the friend. I walked out, my wife doesn’t appreciate that kind of language. And I don’t like it, either. I mean, Norm, you seem to do pretty good, you don’t resort to profanity. Your sketch goes over big. Pretty big.

Norm: Oh, well – well – well thanks, Joe.

Joe: When are we gonna go for that beer, Norm?

Norm: What – what – what beer?

Joe: Do you remember the last time I was on here, we talked about goin’ for a beer? When would that, uh, transpire, do you think?

Norm: Oh, well, you know, I’d like to, Joe, you know. It’s just a matter of finding the time, so…

Joe: Norm, you gotta make the time for things that are important to you in life. I mean, uh, no offense, but uh, you don’t seem to budget your time very well….Let’s nail down a date.

Norm: [after a pause] April 11th?

Joe: April 11th. Done. April 11th it is, Norm.

Norm: Oh, okay. Joe Blow, ladies and gentlemen!

And now Weekend Update would like to wish a happy birthday to comic legend George Burns, who turned 100 years old today. [cheers and applause]…You know, I don’t know the secret to his longevity, but I – I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauly Shore doesn’t know it either. [cheers and applause]

Barbara Jordan, the first African-American woman in Congress, died this week at the age of 59. Remarkably, singer James Brown had nothing to do with it.

Eric Etheridge, editor of George magazine, has quit over policy differences with the publication’s editor-in-chief, John F. Kennedy, Jr. Translation: they’re both banging the same receptionist.

Finally, legendary pool hustler Minnesota Fats passed away Wednesday. You know, now he’s probably up in Heaven racking them up for a game with St. Peter. Or maybe he’s in Hell, where demons gnaw at his flesh and the agonies of the damned never cease. [more enthusiastically] Either way, he’ll be missed.

And that’s all for now, folks! That’s the way it is! Good night!

[fade to black]

Mr. Subliminal 12/8/90

[fade up to graphic that reads “EDITORIAL REPLY”]

Don Pardo voiceover: Last week, NBC News emphasized the use of sanctions and urged restraint in the confrontation with Iraq. Here with an opposing viewpoint is Mr. Subliminal.

[dissolve to Mr. Subliminal sitting behind a desk]

Mr. Subliminal: What should the U.S. do about Saddam Hussein? Lobotomy. One strategy has been the congressional approved economic sanctions — waste of time — because obviously, nobody wants war. Republicans. According to President Bush…according to President Bush, nothing is more important than human lives. Oil. But I think to avoid war…I think in order to avoid war, we need to give Hussein a face-saving way to leave Kuwait. Body bag. And I have to say…[cheers and applause] in all honesty…I’ve got to say President Bush is showing a lot of patience. Pussyfooting. And now he’s finally…set a deadline for January 15th. Bunch of crap. And if Mr. Hussein…if Mr. Hussein promises to pull out — fat chance — we should give him a chance. You know, we got to take him at his word as we would anyone else. Milli Vanilli. And at least he’s…[cheers and applause] he’s agreed…he’s agreed to release all the hostages — big deal — and all in all, folks, I gotta say the important thing to remember is world peace. Nuke ’em. To maintain it, the – the – the U.S. may just have to make a sacrifice — Dan Quayle — and if there is a war…[cheers and applause] if there’s a war, it’s comforting to know that we’ll be getting help from our allies. Candyasses. And then we’d have to answer…we’d have to answer the question: What’s the best weapon to use to topple a power-hungry megalomaniac like Hussein? Marla Maples. And if you’re listening…if you’re listening, Mr. Hussein — pervert — I personally think that you should find something better to do with your time. 7-Eleven. And then maybe the rest of us…the rest of us can get back to enjoying our lives. Hot sex. So, in…in this joyous season of giving — receiving — I think it’s important to remember in the long run — Live from New York — everything will turn out okay. It’s Saturday night.

[dissolve to “Saturday Night Live” opening sequence]

Weekend Update 9/30/95

[fade up to “Weekend Update/Norm MacDonald” graphic]

[opening music: “I’ll Be There for You” by the Rembrandts]

Don Pardo voiceover: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[dissolve to Norm at the Update desk]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you….Thank you….Tha-anks, I’m Norm MacDonald, and I’ll be there for you.

Well, the Trial of the Century is over. Late yesterday, the fate of O.J. Simpson, the most famous murder suspect in United States history, was placed in the hands of the jurors. They must now decide whether to free him or get all their heads cut off.

Testimony during the final week provided some spellbinding moments. In a brilliant move during closing arguments, Simpson attorney Johnnie Cochran put on the knit cap prosecutors say O.J. wore the night he committed the murders. Although O.J. may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey hey, easy with that! That’s my lucky stabbin’ hat!”

In the course of his summation, Cochran also brought out Detective Mark Fuhrman, calling him a, quote, “genocidal racist,” and comparing him to Adolf Hitler. Fuhrman later responded, “After all the things he said about me during this trial, it’s a little late to start sucking up now.”

Meanwhile, Fuhrman, who was expected to face disciplinary action by the LAPD, may get off lightly. Under the terms of a controversial plea bargain, the charges against him have been reduced to, quote, “one count of using the word ‘darky.'”

Well!…The much-talked about film Showgirls opened this week. And here’s my review. Basically, a high-budget porno film, Showgirls is a thinly-veiled excuse to show lots of naked buttocks, legs, and breasts. On a scale of one to ten, I give it a ten. [applause]

[photo of Anna Nicole Smith kissing J. Howard Marshall] Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

In Tennessee, police have arrested two teens with a computer for attempting to hook into a phone line at Republican state headquarters. The teens say they wanted free Internet time, as well as information on how to keep down the underclass.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

Former Wilson Phillips member Carnie Wilson’s new talk show kicked off this month. According to Carnie, her show will be different from the others, in that guests will be treated with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them. [some applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Nancy: Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [she and Norm shake their heads]…The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbagemen, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap. [she and Norm shake their heads]

Norm: Ohh, that’s…that just breaks your heart.

Nancy: Yeah. And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.

Norm: Ugh. [he and Nancy shake their heads]…Oh, you hate to hear that.

Nancy: It’s the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who’s been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for over 75 years–

Norm: Oh, uh, hey, I love that swan!

Nancy: Well, wait….He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his…with his own beak.

Norm: Ugh! [he and Nancy shake their heads]…That’s – that’s just senseless, that’s…

Nancy: Yeah. And in Binghamton, New York, an organ courier bringing a liver to a dying nun had the organ stolen….The liver was later found on a large kaiser roll, with lettuce, tomato, and Russian dressing….It had been delivered to a rival fraternity as a prank.

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….What a world we live in, Nancy, what a world.

Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.

And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs. Their specialty? A fried chicken dinner said to be scrotum-licking good. [applause]

And now a new feature on Weekend Update. Here’s Nancy Walls with the Head-Shaking News. [cut to wide shot of Norm and Nancy] Nancy?

Nancy Walls: Thank you, Norm.

Norm: Nancy, what have you got for us tonight?

Nancy: Our top story tonight comes from Cincinnati, where a highly decorated, paralyzed World War II veteran was beaten and robbed by thieves, who then stole his wheelchair and tried to sell it for crack. [she and Norm shake their heads]…The next morning, it was picked up by Cincinnati garbageman, taken to the city dump, and melted down for scrap. [she and Norm shake their heads]

Norm: Ohh, that’s…that just breaks your heart.

Nancy: Yeah. And this week in El Paso, a man was struck by lightning and taken to a local hospital, where he died after doctors mistakenly gave him a massive dose of electricity.

Norm: Ugh. [he and Nancy shake their heads]…Oh, you hate to hear that.

Nancy: It’s the times, Norm. In other news, Mickey, the beloved swan, who’s been entertaining children at the St. Louis Zoo for over 75 years–

Norm: Oh, uh, hey, I love that swan!

Nancy: Well, wait….He was shot through the neck with an arrow, beaten, and then sexually assaulted with his…with his own beak.

Norm: Ugh! [he and Nancy shake their heads]…That’s – that’s just senseless, that’s…

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….What a world we live in, Nancy, what a world.

Nancy: I think somewhere, Norm, we got off the track as a society.

Norm: Well, is that…that all for the Head-Shaking News, Nancy?

Nancy: No no, Norm, there’s one more item. I’m a new cast member. I just moved here all the way from Chicago. And this Head-Shaking News thing pretty much is my big spot on the show.

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Ohhh….[cheers and applause] No, that’s – that’s not right. That’s not right.

Nancy: What are you gonna do?

Norm: Well – well, hey! Maybe this Head-Shaking News thing will kinda take off.

Nancy: You really think so?

Norm: [he and Nancy shake their heads] Noo, noo…no, no. Nancy Walls, everybody!…Nancy Walls.

Remember 12 Angry Men, the classic courtroom drama? Well, the first film about the O.J. Simpson case is in the works. It’s entitled Nine Angry Black People, Two Scared Asians, and a White Guy Who Hasn’t Spoken Since Rosa Lopez.

In Carlsbad, Texas, a tanker truck crashed into a prison bus, injuring 16 inmates. Doctors say it will be at least two weeks before the men are up and around and raping each other again.

America’s best known atheist, Madalyn Murray O’Hair, is missing, and hasn’t been seen for weeks. Her family is asking everyone to not pray.

And in music news, number one on the college charts this summer was Better Than Ezra. And at number two: Ezra. [delayed applause]

[photo of Elton John with a tennis racket in his mouth] Meanwhile, Elton John continues to deny rumors that he is engaged to his tennis racket.

Finally, folks, next week, Jews everywhere will be celebrating the holiday of Yom Kippur. Or as non-Jews refer to it: Wednesday.

And that’s all for now, folks. Good night!

[closing music: “I’ll Be There for You” by the Rembrandts]

[fade to black]

Weekend Update Trump Calls for End to Mueller Probe | Season 44 Episode 8

[Weekend Update intro playing]

Narrator: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael in the news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller at the left top corner] Well, this week Robert Mueller released the teaser trailer for “Trump: End Game”[Picture changes to a picture of cover picture of a movie. It mimics “The Avengers End Game” movie] . Federal prosecutors said Friday that [Picture changes to Donald Trump on the left and Michael Cohen on the right] Michael Cohen committed two election-related crimes at the direction of a person identified as “Individual-1”. Now, we don’t know for sure who Individual-1 is. But let’s just say things are pretty tense right now over at Individual-1 tower.[Picture changes to a tower that says “Individual-1 Tower”, mimicking “Trump Tower”]

Earlier today, Trump called the Mueller Report [Picture changes to Trump’s tweet] “Collusion Illusion,” Which is also my favorite Guns N’ Roses album. And yesterday Trump tweeted [Picture changes to another tweet by Trump] with no context or explanation—“Totally clears the President, Thank you.” Sounds like somebody has been reading “The Secret”. By the way I don’t blame Trump for thinking that his tweets have magical power. I mean, just this week his tweets about China were able to tank the entire stock market. But at some point if every single person you hire gets indicted, the odds are you have something to do with it. I mean [Picture changes to friends of Trump as elves] if all of Santa’s Elves and all of Santa’s Reindeer got busted by the Feds, you would not expect Santa to tweet [Picture changes to made up tweet by Santa] “Totally clear for Christmas, thank you”.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the right tope corner] Trump is now calling for an end to the Mueller probe which I got to admit, is worth a shot. I mean, you don’t want to go to jail and then find out you could have just called it off the whole time. The scariest thing about watching Trump be president is that he tries all the things that I would try. [The picture changes to a tweet by Donald Trump] President Trump also tweeted that he will be doing a major counter report to the Mueller report. Well you better hurry up, bud, because you only get one hour a day on that prison computer. Also, nothing says you’re guilty more than making a counter report before the Mueller report is out. It’s like watching “Cops” and as soon as they pull off the house, there’s already a shirtless guy on the lawn saying, “Okay, first of all, she’s lying.”

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of John Kelly on the left top corner] President Trump said that John Kelly, his Chief of Staff is leaving the position at the end of the year because Kelly requires extensive surgery to remove [Picture changes to John Kelly with face palm] his palm to his face. [Picture changes to Trump at left and John Kelly at right] That’s how awful it is to work in the Trump White House. John Kelly spent 40 years in the Marines, he did three tours in Iraq and he couldn’t finish one tour with Donald Trump.

Trump also announced that he his Attorney General nominee will be [Picture of John Kelly changes to William Barr] William Barr who served as Attorney General from ’91 to ’93. A reboot of someone with the last name Barr who was big in the early ‘90s? What could go wrong! [Picture changes to Matthew Whitaker] Barr would replace Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker, who previously served as The Body Suit for Krang.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump] And memorial services for former president George H.W. Bush were held this week. Many observers said that president Trump looked bored. But I think he was just getting an idea. He was thinking, “Wait, maybe before the whole Mueller report comes out, I should just fake my own death and escape to the last place anyone would ever look for me—[Picture changes to Donald Trump with Mexican hat and a mustache] Mexico.” And you know that Trump will be the first guy to ever fake his own death [Picture changes to made up tweet my Donald Trump that says “I’m dead. Sad!”] via tweet.

Weekend Update Travel Expert Carrie Krum | Season 44 Episode 8

Carrie Krum (Aidy Bryant)

[Starts with Michael in his news set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s one of the busiest travel times of the year. So here with her holiday travel tips is seventh grade travel expert, Carrie Krum. [Carrie comes in] Hi, Carrie. So how are you liking your trip to New York?

Carrie Krum: Oh, I love it. Yeah, I mean I went to Time Square and I saw Spider Man and he gave me the finger.

Michael Che: Cool. So Carrie, what kind of destinations can you recommend for vacationers?

Carrie Krum: Oh, well, [Cut to Carrie] one of the absolute best global destinations has got to be Columbus, Ohio. Oh, yeah, you got cousins, you got aunts. And did you know that uncles can have ponytails too? But the best thing about Columbus is– [Cut to Michael and Carrie. Carrie is acting shy] Michael, Michael–

Michael Che: What?

Carrie Krum: My cousin’s neighbors are boys.

Michael Che: Alright, Carrie, that sounds pretty specific to your family trips. Where can other people travel?

Carrie Krum: Um, try the Twin freaking Cities! [Cut to Carrie] Yeah, where you’ll go to a farm and see a really big pig and your brother will tell you that’s where Ham comes from. And then you’ll sob because you love to eat ham.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Again, that feels like what you did in the Twin Cities. But what can everybody do?

Carrie Krum: Okay, well might I [Cut to Carrie] recommend staying at my aunt Nancy’s house? Because Michael, [Cut to Carrie and Michael. Carrie is acting shy.] Michael–

Michael Che: Yes?

Carrie Krum: She’s bra-less on the couch! [Cut to Carrie] Yeah, overall pretty great trip. Except I will say for when I got spanked.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Oh, I’m sorry.

Carrie Krum: Oh, don’t be, Michael. I mean that’s what traveling is all about, you know, testing boundaries. [Cut to Carrie] Like in Dubuque, Iowa, where my parents were drinking daiquiris and they were laughing and I didn’t get it but when adults are laughing, I’m laughing right along with them.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Now that sounds like a very fun vacation.

Carrie Krum: Oh, yeah. Oh yeah, Dubuque is a can’t miss. When I was there, [Cut to Carrie] my cousin Mitchell forgot his bathing suit, so he got to wear his underwear in the hot tub. And Michael, [Cut to Carrie and Michael. Carrie is acting shy.] Michael–

Michael Che: What?

Carrie Krum: You can kind of see his butt.

Michael Che: All right, well, have you ever been anywhere exotic?

Carrie Krum: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Carrie] Oh, duh, okay, once on a connecting flight from Phoenix to Denver, I got to go to the Atlanta airport. Okay, you want to talk exotic, I saw two indoor pigeons work together to carry a Bagel. That’s a Bonjour vacation.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael Che] Well, it sounds like you had a lot of awesome vacations. I mean, were there any places you didn’t like?

Carrie Krum: Yeah, Montana.

Michael Che: Montana? Why?

Carrie Krum: [Cut to Carrie] Because when I went to Montana, I fell on a bunch of rocks on my back.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Where?

Carrie Krum: On my back.

Michael Che: I mean where in Montana?

Carrie Krum: On the rocks! And it really hurt, [Cut to Carrie] so please don’t go there. The rocks are too hard and my back is too soft.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Okay. I won’t go there.

Carrie Krum: Okay. Michael, I’m sorry can we stop, because I got to go to the bathroom.

Michael Che: Can’t you just wait until the end?

Carrie Krum: No, because Mumford & Sons gave me a bunch of Sierra mist.

Michael Che: Well, if you have to go then go.

Carrie Krum: Okay. Thank you, Michael. I love you, Michael.

Michael Che: Carrie Krum everybody.

Weekend Update SpaceX Launches Rocket with Cremated Remains | Season 44 Episode 8

[Starts with Colin Jost in the news set. There’s a picture at left top corner of SpaceX]

Colin Jost: SpaceX launched a rocket into orbit carrying the cremated remains of a hundred people. Unfortunately, they weren’t cremated when it launched.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture at right top corner of Earth]

Michael Che: Two new studies about accelerated greenhouse emissions find that the earth will be impacted by global warming sooner than we thought. God bless these scientists and researchers that are still studying this thing that we just refuse to listen to. We’re like a stubborn old man at the doctor’s office and they’re pleading with us, “Sir, you gotta quit smoking”. “Kiss my ass, I like cigars.”

[Picture changes to Kevin Hart on Oscar stage] Well, that was short. Kevin Hart had to step down as host of the upcoming Academy Awards because of homophobic tweets from 2011. Didn’t the Academy nominate [Picture changes to Mel Gibson] Mel Gibson for an award just last year? [Picture changes back to Kevin Hart] Also, if Kevin– Thank you. I love when there’s a black lady in the audience. Also if Kevin Hart isn’t clean enough to host the Oscars, then no black comic is. The only black comic I know that’s cleaner than Kevin Hart is booked for the next three to ten years.

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture at left top corner of ‘The Little Mermaid’]

Colin Jost: An Acapella Group at Princeton University has stopped performing the song “Kiss the Girl” from “Little Mermaid” after the student newspaper, said the lyrics promote toxic masculinity. Also, it just sucks to hear a bunch of white guys sing like [Picture changes to a red crab from the cartoon Aerial] a Jamaican crab.

[Picture changes to bull fighting with China’s flag] A new version of bull fighting has started in China in which participants use their hands instead of swords. That’s how many extra people they have.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture at right top corner of ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race” and British flag]

Michael Che: A British version of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” will begin airing next year on the BBC. And because it’s Englsnd, their penises will be tucked on the right side.

[Picture changes to map picture of Florida and a marijuana leaf] A man in Florida was arrested for selling marijuana, claimed that he was only doing it to buy better Christmas Gifts for his children. Replied his children, “Just give us the weed dad”.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture at left top corner of ice pick]

A Utah man was arrested after he got into an argument and hammered an ice pick through the other man’s penis. Hey, it’s like they say, never bring a penis to an ice pick fight.