Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

Drive-Through Window

Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

Michael Tangelo… Kenan Thompson

Linda Tomorrow…Emily Blunt

Randy Candy… Bobby Moynihan

Melissa Villaseńor

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Real Jeff… Beck Bennett

Pam… Aidy Bryant

Bruno Mars

[Starts with Pete waiting for the customer in Burger King]

Pete: Welcome to Burger King. Pull around and order at the first window, please.

[Mikey comes through in his pink limo and opens the window. He is wearing green suit.]

Mikey: Wad up?

Pete: Oh! Um, hey. Would you like to try the snickers pie today?

Mikey: Dude, I got a pink Hummer limo filled with party people. Only thing is, we got some empty tummies.

Pete: Okay. Um, how many people are in there?

Mikey: No way to tell, my man! We all just came from an art installation party hosted by our friend Otto the Question. So, let’s start with, um, 20 whoppers.

Pete: Okay. You want whoppers or angry whoppers?

Mikey: Hmm, that is a question for Michael Tangelo. One love.

[Mikey closes his window and moves the limo forward. The second widow opens.]

Michael Tangelo: Wad up?

Pete: Hey. Do you know what you want?

Michael Tangelo: Um, first, good evening. I am Michael Tangelo. Part of the House of Terrific and Artist Collective. Now, what’s this I hear about an angry whopper?

Pete: Um, it’s like a whopper but it’s spicy. It’s got onions rings in it.

Michael Tangelo: In it? So it’s an entrée that ate it’s own side dish? Hmm. I’m gonna let Linda Tomorrow weigh in on this.

Pete: Who?

Michael Tangelo: Bye, bye.

[Michael Tangelo closes the window. The limo moves forward. The third window opens.]

Linda Tomorrow: Wad up?

Pete: You’re Linda Tomorrow?

Linda Tomorrow: Who’s asking?

Pete: Well, what do you want to eat?

Linda Tomorrow: Ah, yes. I haven’t slum with the normal in so long. I’ll have a burger. Funky style. And make it a magnum XL. Fries, size nine. And a diet mountain don’t size 10.

Pete: Um, well, we just have three sizes ma’am. Small, medium and large.

Linda Tomorrow: A what now and who there?

Pete: Is medium okay?

Linda Tomorrow: Never mind. Just talk to Randy Candy. Good bye.

[Linda Tomorrow closes the window. The limo moves forward. The 4^th window opens. The music is playing inside the limo.]

Randy Candy: Wad up?

Pete: Are you Randy Candy?

Randy Candy: [squeaky voice] Um-hmm. I pet a whimsy and this part of the car is feeling some chicken fries.

Pete: Okay. Um, do you want regular chicken fries or like, the Cheetos chicken fries?

Randy Candy: I’m sorry, what’s the difference?

Pete: Um, the Cheetos chicken fries are covered in Cheeto coating.

Randy Candy: This news will throw this car into chaos. How could you?

[Randy Candy closes the window]

[Melissa walks to Pete]

Melissa: What is going on? Have these people ordered yet?

Pete: Um, kind of.

Melissa: What did they order?

Pete: Um, this one lady ordered like a mega-funky burger.

Melissa: We don’t have that.

Pete: Look, I’m trying. I just need to talk to like, one normal person. Sorry.

[Melissa walks away. The 5^th window of the limo opens.]

[Kate and Cecily look the same]

Kate and Cecily: Wad up?

Pete: God! Sorry, crazy. Um, are you guys ready to order?

Cecily: Absolutely. We want three food.

Kate: Like, four food. And savory?

Cecily: Let’s be bad. Why not?

Kate: Four food and a nibble.

Pete: Yeah, but like, what food?

Cecily: The only one who can answer this is real Jeff. Bye.

[They close the window. The limo moves forward. 6^th window opens. Real Jeff is sitting with his puppet.]

Real Jeff: Wad up? Give us 20 whoppers and 20 chicken fries.

Pete: Ah! Thank you, dude. Finally. Alright, that’s $hundredfortytwo.eighteen. How would you like to pay?

Real Jeff: Oh, I don’t pay. That’s Pam’s department. Peace.

[Real Jeff closes the window. The limo moves forward. the 7^th door opens. Pam is sitting and someone is massaging her shoulder.]

Pam: Wad up?

Pete: Hey, are you Pam?

Pam: Um, yes sir. I am Pam and I fund this.

Pete: Okay, well it’s $142.18.

Pam: Okay, great, so can you split it on 26 credit cards?

Pete: No, I can’t.

Pam: Okay. Well then, maybe my boyfriend has some cash.

[Pam’s boyfriend is Bruno Mars who shows his face now]

Bruno Mars: Wad up?

Pete: Bruno Mars? What the hell is going on there? You hang with these people?

Bruno Mars: No, they hang with me. You should join us, man.

Pete: Ah! I’m sorry, man! I’m working.

Bruno Mars: It didn’t stop your friend.

[Melissa shows her face inside the window]

Melissa: Oh! Wad up?

Pete: You know what? I’m in.

Bruno Mars: Ay, make some room, Randy Candy!

Pete: I hate Randy Candy!

Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton Town Hall Debate Cold Open

Martha Raddatz… Cecily Strong

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Patrice Brock… Leslie Jones

Ken Karpawoods… Beck Bennett

James Carter… Michael Che

Ken Bone… Bobby Moynihan

Carl Becker… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with The Presidential Debate intro]

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper in their set]

Martha Raddatz: Hello and welcome to the second and worst ever presidential debate. I’m Martha Raddatz.

Anderson Cooper: And I’m Anderson Cooper. And before we begin, we just need to do one last thing.

[Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper takes a shot of tequila.]

Martha Raddatz: Ah, much better. Now let’s get this nightmare started. Please help us welcome the candidates. Republican nominee Donald Trump and can we say this yet?

Anderson Cooper: Probably fine.

Martha Raddatz: President Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to the stage. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk in to their chairs.]

[cheers and applause]

[Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk to the middle and then start staring at each other and walking around.]

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: Okay, thank you both for being here.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you for having me. I’d like to begin tonight by attempting a casual lean. [Hillary Clinton leans on the chair that she’s supposed to sit on] Got it!

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Martha, tonight I’m going to do three things. I’m going to huff. I’m going to puff. And I’m going to blow this whole thing.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: Now, tonight’s debate is a town hall which means we’ll be taking questions from voters in the audience. They are undecided, uncommitted and not remotely camera ready.

Anderson Cooper: Secretary Clinton, we’ll start with you. Your question comes from Patrice Brock.

[Cut to Patrice Brock in the audience]

Patrice: Hello. My question is do you feel that you’re modeling appropriate and positive behavior for today’s youth?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Hi, Patrice. Let me start by walking over to you just as I practiced. [walking near Patrice] Right, left, right, left. Speak. Now, Patrice, you’re a teacher?

Patrice: No.

Hillary Clinton: You have kids?

Patrice: No.

Hillary Clinton: You like kids?

Patrice: No.

Hillary Clinton: You’ve seen kids?

Patrice: Yeah.

Hillary Clinton: Okay, great. We’re bonding already. Oh, my friend Patrice. Patrice, I strive to be a positive role model for all children. Children like my daughter Chelsea and my granddaughter Chelsea Jr.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Mr. Trump, same question. Do you feel like your’e modeling appropriate and positive behavior for today’s youth?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. Next.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: So, you don’t care about the kids?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Listen, I love the kids. I love them so much I’d marry them. I’ve been helping kids my whole life and in 1992 I helped a kid named Kevin McCallister to find the hotel lobby. You might remember the documentary Home Alone II: Lost in New York.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz]

Martha Raddatz: Okay. Moving on, Mr. Trump, we received a lot of questions online about the audio tape that was released last week bragging about sexually assaulting women.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Listen, what I said is nothing compared to what Bill Clinton has done, okay? He has abused women and Martha, Anderson, hold on to your nips and your nuts because four of those women are here tonight. Four of them.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Wait, I’m sorry, who’s here? [sobbing and mocking] Mistresses? Bill, how could you? I would like to water the debate, now I’ll never be able to remember my facts and figures now. Oh, Donald, no! Get real. I’m made of steal. This is nothing. Hi girls.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Martha, she is trying to silence these women but they need to be respected. They need their voices heard.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz]

Martha Raddatz: What about the all the women accusing you of sexual assault?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: They need to shut the hell up.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz]

Martha Raddatz: Alright, let’s move on. Our next question is from Ken Karpawoods.

[Cut to Ken Karpawoods in the audience]

Ken: Thank you, I’ve got the boring one. The affordable care act is not affordable. What will you do to bring the cost down and make coverage better?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, Ken, that’s a great question. I agree that Obamacare can be improved Ken, but it does have it’s benefits. [Donald Trump walks behind Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton doesn’t know it.] Number one, insurance companies can’t deny your coverages because of preexisting condition. [Donald Trump slowly walks near Hillary Clinton as she speaks] Number two, no lifetime limits which, you know, is a big deal if you have serious health problem. And number three– [Donald Trump runs behind Hillary Clinton and gets back to his place. Hillary Clinton doesn’t know about it.] Sorry, I thought I– And number three, women can’t be charged– [Donald Trump pass walks behind Hillary Clinton again. Hillary Clinton is looking around having no idea what’s going on.] Thought I– Women can’t be charged more than men for health insurance. Okay? And number four–

[Donald Trump jumps in and shouts at the mic. Hillary Clinton gets scared.]

[Cut to Martha Raddatz]

Martha Raddatz: Okay, let’s take another question. This one comes from James Carter.

[Cut to James Carter in the audience.]

James: Good evening, Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, no!

[Cut to James]

James: My question is do you believe you can be a devoted president to all the people?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: That is a great question, Denzel. Thank you for this question about the inner cities.

[Cut to James]

James: My name is James and I didn’t ask anything about no inner cities.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: The inner cities are a mess, okay? Just last month I was in Detroit and everywhere I looked, there were violent, crazy people and lot of them had guns. And they were screaming horrible things like, “Trump for president.”

[Cut to James]

James: I think you were at one of your own rallies.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Martha, this black man is attacking me. Also, speaking of black men, you know who else should be in jail? Hillary Clinton. She has committed so many crimes, she is basically a black.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Secretary Clinton? Do you wish to respond to that?

[cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: No, cool. Because as my best friend Michelle Obama once said, when they go low, you go high. God, I love that quote. Almost as memorable as when I said, “Trumped up trickled down economy.” Just a couple of equally famous quotes from a couple of equally lovable women.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: Alright, and now since everyone has been so good, it’s time for a special treat.

Anderson Cooper: That’s right. Ladies and gentlemen, [drums rolling] put your hands together for the one and only, Mr. Ken Bone.

[Cut to Ken Bone]

[cheers and applause]

Ken Bone: You all ready for this?

[music starts playing and Ken Bone starts dancing.]

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: Oh my god, he is so cute.

Anderson Cooper: I really needed that right now.

Martha Raddatz: No, wait. Ken, you’re not gonna turn out to be a weird little creep or anything are you?

[Cut to Ken Bone]

Ken Bone: Maybe.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: God! We can’t have anything nice.

Anderson Cooper: Oh well. Well, we have time for one final question and it comes from Carl Becker.

[Cut to Carl Becker in the audience]

Carl: Good evening. My question is for Hillary. Tonight Donald Trump said you should be in jail. He said you have hate in your heart and he followed you around the stage like a shark. So my question is, what do you like about him?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, this one’s actually easy. Donald Trump and I disagree on almost everything but I do like how generous he is. Just last Friday, he handed me this election.

[Hillary Clinton starts showing some dance moves]

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Mr. Trump, one thing you like about Secretary Clinton?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I like that she’s a fighter and that she doesn’t give up. Which is why I need all my supporters to get out there and vote on election day, mark your calendars, write it down. Here is the day, it’s November 35^th.

[Hillary Clinton jumps in.]

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Chonk

Aidy Bryant

Banessa Bayer

Malissa Villaseńor

Sasheer Zamata

Leslie Jones

[Starts with clips women dressed very nicely having fun]

Female voice: Beautiful, strong, gorgeous at any size. You’re a woman and you deserve clothes that fit and flatter. You are confident.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: So confident.

Female voice: Prove them wrong. You rock.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: I rock it.

Female voice: You rule the world.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Hell, yes I do.

Female voice: That’s why you shop at [growling] Chonk. [Aidy is confused] We know what women want. You wanna be glamorous. We know not every woman’s a runway model. hat’s why [growling] Chonk. [Vanessa and Melissa are confused] You’re a queen. You’re a goddess. You’re [growling] Chonk.

Aidy: I’m Chonk. Head to toe Chonk.

Female voice: No matter what size you are, you’ll still feel [growling] Chonk.

Vanessa: No.

Female voice: We’re the only store that accepts your unique body.

Sasheer: Unique?

[Cut to a little girl playing around]

Female voice: And try our twin girls department. Lil’–

[Aidy walks in and pulls away the girl]

Aidy: No. I don’t want this one. No.

Female voice: [growling] Chonk. Chonk. Chonk.

Leslie: You got one more Chonk, and that’s your ass.

Female voice: And for the guy in your life, visit our men’s store, ‘Normal clothes’.

[Cut to Bobby and Pete buying shirts]

Bobby: This shirt fit me.

Pate: Me too. I got everything I needed.

Bobby: Yeah. No problems here. Sweet.

Female voice: [singing] Every woman’s a [growling] Chonk!

WWII Scene

Sargent… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Donny… Kenan Thompson

Brooklyn… Pete Davidson

Bobby Moynihan

Beck Bennett

[Starts with A Degree of Valor intro]

Announcer: We now return to the World War II classic, A degree of Valor

[Cut to black and white video of a war]

Sargent: Fall back men, the Germans have us surrounded.

Donny: You got it, sarge.

[Everyone falls back but Brooklyn walks right in.]

Sargent: Brooklyn, I said fall back. That’s forward.

Brooklyn: What?

Sargent: Brooklyn!

[Brooklyn gets hit]

Brooklyn: Ah! Sarge, they got me.

Sargent: Hang on son. We’re gonna get you out of here. [calling for help] Medic!

Brooklyn: No Sarge, it’s too late.

Sargent: Don’t talk like that. You’re gonna be fine.

Brooklyn: No. No. Listen, I gotta ask you for a favor.

Sargent: Sure Brooklyn. What is it?

Brooklyn: When I’m gone, I need you to go to my house and find my girl and tell her that I loved her, even though she was a Sox fan.

Sargent: Okay Brooklyn, I promise I’ll tell her the first chance I get.

Brooklyn: And then once you go and tell her that, make some excuse to go up to my garage.

Sargent: The garage?

Brooklyn: Yeah. There’s something there I need you to find. It’s a– It’s a toy for the butt.

Sargent: A what for the butt?

Brooklyn: Just like a fun thing for the butt.

Sargent: Youre not making any sense, son.

[Cut to Donny and Bobby]

Donny: He’s talking about butt-plug, sir.

Bobby: Yeah, like the ones we saw in Paris. Right?

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Yeah.

Bobby: The pointed ones? Yeah.

[Cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]

Brooklyn: I’d hate for my girlfriend to find it. She just wouldn’t understand.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Yeah, I get that.

[cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]

Brooklyn: Yeah, and don’t worry, I never used it though. I was too afraid.

Sargent: Okay, I’ll try son. I’ll try.

Brooklyn: Don’t try. Do it. Find my butt plug. Okay? The box has a picture of a man smiling.

Sargent: Okay, I’ll look for that. Now just try to rest. Let’s not talk about any of that anymore.

Brooklyn: Wait. There’s something else I need you to get rid of. It’s a notebook full of boogie woogie songs that I wrote. They’re just too embarrassing.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I mean, worse than the butt plug?

[Cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]

Brooklyn: Well, one goes like this.

[singing] Hey there Jasmine, spread your jazz
spread it thick as tuna tonight
now we’re eating Jazz

Sargent: Okay Brookly, I’ll destroy it for you.

Brooklyn: Unless you think it is good, then try to publish it.

Sargent: I’ll destroy it for you.

[Cut to Donny]

Donny: Yeah, I don’t know. I think people might dance to that.

[Cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]

Brooklyn: You do? Thanks Donny. I’m gonna miss you the most.

[Cut to Donny]

Donny: Oh, come on! Don’t make me cry now.

[Cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]

Brooklyn: The butt plug is bigger than you’d expect. Just be ready for that.

Sargent: That’s fine. That’s fine.

Brooklyn: It was an ego thing. I just wanted to challenge myself.

Sargent: Okay. How much more life do you have in you do you think?

Brooklyn: [coughing] Enough to ask you one more favor. Get rid of all the photos of me being sassy.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Sassy? What’s that?

[Cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]

Brooklyn: You know, sassy. It’s kind of like, being like– [Brooklyn pouts his lips and snaps his fingers and raises his hand] You know, or being like judging some people’s clothes. Or one like this. [Brooklyn pokes his cheek with his finger and pout his lips.]

Sargent: Okay, Brooklyn. Anything else?

[Brooklyn is not moving anymore]

[Cut to everybody. Bobby looks at Brooklyn.]

Bobby: He is dead sir.

Beck: He died as he lived, sassy.

Sargent: Goodbye, Brooklyn. Your soul wasn’t bad.

[singing Brooklyn’s song]Hey there Jasmine, spread your jazz

Everybody: Spread it thick as tuna tonight
now we’re eating Jazz

[Donny stands and dances slowly to the song]

Donny: See I told you you could dance to this.

[Donny gets hit]

Ah! I’m hit!

[The End]

Wells Fargo Wagon

Winthrop… Kyle Mooney

Mason… Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Sasheer Zamata

Kate McKinnon

Mikey Day

Lin-Manuel Miranda

Sally… Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

[Starts with The Music Man intro]

Announcer: You’re watching The Music Man on Turner Classis Movies. So either you’re an old woman or a young gay man.

[Cut to Winthrop running to Mason and Aidy]

Winthrop: Mason! Mason!

Mason: Why, hello there Winthrop.

Winthrop: [speaking while spitting everywhere] When do you think us kids are going to receive our musical instruments?

Aidy: Oh, I guess Winthrop still working on that lisp.

[Cut to Winthrop getting angry]

Winthrop: Say it to my face, bitch!

Mason: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Cut to all] Okay, easy Winthrop. I think everyone’s just a little excited about these instruments. [bell ringing] Oh, and listen that could be them arriving right now.

[Cut to Cecily dancing and singing]

Cecily: Oho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is coming down the street

[Cut to Kenan and Sasheer walking in]

Kenan: Oh, please let it be for me

Sasheer: Oh, oh, oh, Well’s Fargo Wagon is coming down the street

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: I wish, I wish I knew what it could be

[Kate walks in]

Kate: I got a box of sugar on my birthday

Aidy: In March I got a grey macintos

[Cut to 8, Kenan and Sasheer]

Mikey: And once I got some great fruits from Tampa

All: Oho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is coming down the street

Oh please let it be for me

[Cut to Winthrop]

Winthrop: It could be something for someone who is no relation

[Cut to all]

All: Or it could be something very, very special now just for me

[The wagon arrives and everyone is excited.]

Lin-Manuel: Well, hello River city.

Winthrop: Our instruments.

Sally: Do you have my clarinet?

Pete: Yeah, what about my flute or whatever?

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Wells Fargo’s got something even better than instruments. They’re called bank accounts. And I’m giving everyone at least three of them.

Pete: Yeah! Wait, what?

Lin-Manuel: That’s right. Everyone gets a bank account. What’s your name son?

Winthrop: Winthrop.

Lin-Manuel: Okay, what’s your name?

Sally: Sally.

Lin-Manuel: I’ve got an accounted for you, Sally. And for your dog.

[Cut to Mason and Aidy]

Mason: Um, sir, I don’t think these children or their dogs need bank accounts.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Oh, sure they do. In fact this whole town needs bank account. Like you sir, and you ma’am, and this skinny gentleman over here.

[He’s pointing at the mailbox]

Kate: That’s a mailbox!

[Cut to the children and Lin-Manuel]

Pete: Why are you doing this, sir?

Lin-Manuel: Do you know what a code is kid? A code is a target I need to hit or I’m a dead man. So, what do you say? Do you want to kill me? Or do you want to shut up and get a credit card?

[Cut to the children]

Winthrop: But sir, you’re threatening customers. Isn’t that fraud?

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Is it little frog? No, it’s a credit card.

[Cut to Winthrop]

Winthrop: I said fraud. I think you heard me say frog.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel looking around]

Lin-Manuel: Everybody hates this kid, right?

[Cut to Mason and Aidy]

Aidy: Well, I think the boy is right.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Yes, if Wells Fargo keeps doing this, they’re going to get in trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble with the camp–

[Lin-Manuel slaps Kenan]

Lin-Manuel: Can you shut the hell up? You don’t understand the pressure I’m in. These Wells Fargo are jackals. As the matter of fact, they took my daughter.

[Cut to Mason and Aidy]

Mason: No, they didn’t.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Okay, you got me. Sales technique. But come on. You got to help me out on this. If I have to face my boss tomorrow with nothing, I shall poopie my pants.

[Winthrop approaches Lin-Manuel]

Winthrop: Hey, Mr., I’ll take one bank account please.

Lin-Manuel: Wow, I was all wrong about you kid. You’re a real pal. That’s why I’m also gonna give you something called an exploding mortgage. That sounds pretty cool, huh?

Winthrop: It sure does. [spitting on Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: You gotta learn how to talk man. I’m like, drenched.

[music playing]

Winthrop: It could be something for someone with no relation

Lin-Manuel: Or it could be…

All: Yes, it could be, yes you’re right, it sure could be

Lin-Manuel: Oh, and on the way in I ran over three kids.

All: Just for me.

Winthrop: Wells Fargo, sorry.

Weekend Update Two Undecided Voters

Colin Jost

Denise McDonough… Tina Fey

Doreen Troilo.. Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: As poll numbers in swing states remain close, they are speculating that this election could be decided by the female voters of suburban, Philadelphia. Please welcome two undecided voters from Clifton Heights, Pennsylvania, Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo.

[Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Doreen Troilo: Hi, Colin.

Denise McDonough: Hi, Colin Jost. Hi, Che.

Colin Jost: Hi there.

Doreen Troilo: We brought you some hogies. [passes the hogies to Colin]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! It’s a hogie. Thank you so much. Thank you. So, ladies, how dies it feel to be the most saw after voters of the country right now.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: I think it’s fun.

Doreen Troilo: I love it.

Colin Jost: And have you decided who you’re gonna vote for?

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Denise McDonough: Colin, I’m torn from a scooter accident, but I also don’t know whom to vote for.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Doreen Troilo: Yeah, me neither. I don’t know. I think they’re both bad.

Denise McDonough: Whatever. You love Trump.

Doreen Troilo: I don’t love Trump.

Denise McDonough: Yeah, well stop acting like you do. Everyone thinks you love Trump. You’re always like, “Oh, his hair is real, you know?”

Doreen Troilo: I said it one time. Get off my bra strap, please. I don’t like Trump. I don’t like he– I don’t like that he called Alicia Machado fat.

Denise McDonough: Ah! I know, right? It’s like, does this guy have mirrors in his house? He looks like someone opened a case to pick the chicken out.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And what do you guys think of Secretary Clinton?

Denise McDonough: Hah!

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Doreen Troilo: Undecided, yeah.

Colin Jost: Really?

Doreen Troilo: She lied about her emails. She lied about Benghazi. She pretended to be surprised on Steve Harvey. She also called people a basket of diplorables. And that’s not a phrase.

Denise McDonough: Here’s my call. Hillary’s husband cheated on her and I don’t like the way she handled it.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, you think it was not feminist of her to sort of discredit Jennifer Flowers like that?

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: What? No. I don’t like that she didn’t finish the job. That girl has been banging your husband for 12years, at very least you gotta cut off her ponytail.

Doreen Troilo: Yeah. Very minimum, you cut the ponytail.

Denise McDonough: Gotta go through the tail. When a girl so much–

Doreen Troilo: Cut the ponytail hard.

Denise McDonough: Colin, right?

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Doreen Troilo: Colin Jost, we brought you some hogies. [Colin Jost laughing] I apologize. I’ve been on vacation to my accent.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: Once a year, she goes to Jamaica. He accent’s gone.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah.

Denise McDonough: Colin Jost, when a girl so much is flirting with my husband, I released mice into the drop ceiling of her pizza place.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Doreen Troilo: This one’s not playing games.

Colin Jost: No. She’s not. [Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost] Now, how do you feel about these shocking revelations where Donald Trump said when you’re a star, you can do anything to women.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: Ah!

Doreen Troilo: I get it.

Denise McDonough: It doesn’t bother me.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What? I thought you guys would be mad about that one.

Denise McDonough: No. [Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo] When you’re a big star like that, the rules are different. Like, if you’ve ever been to the Philadelphia mummers parade on New Years, have you ever been to that Colin Jost?

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, I have not.

Denise McDonough: Oh, you should go. It’s terrible. [Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo] Anyways, a lot of the guys in the clown brigade are already drunk. And you’re like, sometimes they might honk your boob on the way down the street and like– I think Trump is just kind of like that.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, he’s like a drunk clown on the street?

Denise McDonough: Yeah, like that.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Doreen Troilo: Men are always gonna be gross. You remember when you and me and Patrice punched our way to the front row of the Hooter’s concert at the Mad Music Center?

Denise McDonough: Yes.

Doreen Troilo: The guy blows keyboard pulled me up on my perm and went to town on me like I was his mouth piano.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I think it’s called the melodica.

Doreen Troilo: But it’s also called two free t-shirts and a ride home. So, don’t judge me. It was like, four years ago.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: You know, of all of them the one that I think is secretly the biggest jackass, Mike Pence.

Doreen Troilo: You don’t like Pence? He seems like the normal one.

Denise McDonough: Umm-umm. He seems normal coz he’s next to Trump. He’s really beef from back to the future. You know he backed that law in Indiana saying like, if your’e real Jesusy, you can refuse to sell pizza to gay people. First of all Indiana, no one wants your garbage pizza.

Doreen Troilo: You know that crust with no tweakiness.

Denise McDonough: Also, it’s 2016. Like, what old white man thinks he’s still in charge of gays and women? It’s like if I want to feel like it’s the 50s again, I’ll put on my pink lady’s jacket from the party that we had for your 40th.

Doreen Troilo: Party that we had for my 40th.

Denise McDonough: So fun.

Doreen Troilo: So fun. It was so fun.

Denise McDonough: And I’ll start a conversation with my grandpa, Colin Jost, who is deep in throws of dementia.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, sorry.

Doreen Troilo: This is why I can’t decide. I’m paralyzed Colin Jost. We brought you hogies. We brought you hogies.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Thank you for the hogies. Are you going to watch the debate tomorrow night?

Doreen Troilo: Yeah, I’ll probably put on after Halloween Wars.
[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: Oh, that show is my favorite. They do pumpkins and candy.

Doreen Troilo: They do chocolate work and bacon in pumpkins. They all work together to make something really creepy.

Denise McDonough: Why can’t our country be like Halloween Wars? We are creepier together.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, so you’re voting for Hillary.

Denise McDonough: Umm..

Doreen Troilo: Probably right in the haters.

Colin Jost: Two undecided voters from suburban, Philadelphia, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Going Bald

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The CDC is warning of an increase in opioid overdoses and is costing Americans $78 billion a year. With more on this is resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Thank you. Not anymore. Wally, change the cue card. I am no longer a young person, okay? My career is over.

Colin Jost: Wait, Pete, what are you talking about?

Pete Davidson: It happened, Colin. I started going bald. I’m on propecia now.

Colin Jost: Wait a second. Propecia? What is that?

Pete Davidson: Sure Colin, sure. Okay.

Colin Jost: What?

Pete Davidson: What? Mid 30s with that wall of hair, I’m not buying.

Colin Jost: I’m not on propecia.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, and I just smoked weed for my chrome’s disease.

Colin Jost: Okay, what’s even going on? How are you balding? You’re like, nine.

Pete Davidson: I know. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Look, that’s why it’s so scary. So, over the summer, I looked into the sink and I noticed some hair. And at first, I thought it was my pubes because I am that tall and I do straighten them. But it wasn’t. And I had to go to the doctor and he like, prescribed me propecia.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And does it have any kind of side effects?

Pete Davidson: He said like, “It will– for some people, it will lower your sex drive. [Cut to Pete Davidson] So like, if you’re one of these guys who needs to have sex four or five times a day, then this drug isn’t for you. You know? But if you’re okay with doing it like, once a day, you’ll be fine.” And I was like, “Once a day? What am I? Hugh Hefner? Yeah!” I take like, generic version that’s like once a week. The hair is what’s important. So…

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, and so how is it working out?

Pete Davidson: It’s working out. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I have all my hair and girls still want to get with me. But I’m impotent, so I could care less. You know? I’m pretty much like the coolest guy in town.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s a dream. And I gotta say, propecia then doesn’t really sound that bad.

Pete Davidson: It’s not. It’s crazy. It’s really crazy. [Cut to Pete Davidson] It’s if you’re okay with like, having sex once a day, then you could have your hair for the rest of your life. It makes me look at bald dudes with a whole new light now. Every time I see a bald guy I’m like, “You just can’t keep your dick in your pants.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everybody.

Pete Davidson: I beat god.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Kim Kardashian at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Investigators say that the $4.5 million diamond ring stolen from Kim Kardashian will most likely be made into smaller less valuable stones. You know, like Kendall and Kylie.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a toilet bowl and Chinese flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new public bathroom has opened in China that is completely transparent. Oh sure, but when I use a transparent public bathroom, I am vandalizing the apple store.

[Picture changes to a clown hair]

In clown news, clowns in Arizona are rallying in support of their profession by organizing a ‘clown lives matter’ rally. Because nothing reassures like an angry mob of clowns. Even worse, the clowns are inviting children to the rally which takes place deep in the woods.

Glad I tried that one.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Wolf Blitzer at left top corner.]

Well this week, we almost heard Wolf Blitzer say “Pussy”. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] Audio was released of Donald Trump making extremely lewd comments about women which many people think could cost him the election. Or as Trump put at this morning, [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Certain has been an interesting 24 hours. [Cut to Colin Jost] Wow, way to read the mood of the country. You’re caught saying one of the most upsetting things we’ve ever heard and your response is, “Well, we all had fun.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I somehow honestly thought Donald Trump had peaked on the wackadoo meter. Turns out he’s got another gear. How is that even possible? Is he going for the record? [Picture changes to Barry Bonds] This is like when Barry Bonds had all time great career and then did steroids. [Picture changes to Donald Trump You started your campaign accusing Mexicans of being rapist. Now you’re on tape explaining how you sexually assault women. The only way that could be more hypocritical if that if you said it in Spanish.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump getting off a bus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: First, Trump tried to brush it off as just locker room talk. Which locker room? Penn state? And this isn’t just how guys talk. It’s not how humans talk, okay? I don’t even know if he knows how sex works. First phase is kissing, and then you keep running right into the stands and just start grabbing genitals. [Picture changes to Donald Trump at left top corner.] And you know this isn’t even the worst thing he has ever said. This is just the worst thing he said to Billy Bush while might on Access Hollywood bus.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump on right top corner.]

Michael Che: The most telling thing Trump said was they’ll let you do anything because you’re a celebrity. So you’re literally explaining your entitlement. And speaking of entitlement, dear old rich white dudes, just always assume you’re being recorded. You’ll fall for this every two years. You’ve lost sports teams because of this, movie careers, and now a presidential election. Tape recorders have done more damage to old rich white dudes than tennis elbow.

[Cut to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: And it’s amazing now to see republicans scrambling to get away from Trump now. Like, this is the one deal breaker. And you know who else came out and condemned Trump’s remarks? tic tacs. [Cut to Tic Tac USA’s twitter that says ‘Tic Tac respects all women. We find the recent statements and behavior completely inappropriate and unacceptable.] Like the actual breath mints came out and tweeted in support of women. [Cut to Colin Jost] And they should support women coz now if you’re a woman and if you hear tic tac shaking in someone’s pocket, it’s like hearing the Jaw’s theme. Or, in the other hand, tic tacs could just run right at it.

[Cut to tic tac commercial]

Male voice: Tic tac, grab bad breath by the p***y.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a tic tac at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] That’s a great ad. And just to clarify, the solution for your urges to randomly mouth kiss and crotch grab unsuspected women is tic tacs? Dude, I don’t think the problem women have with sexual assault is bad breath. That’s like Bill Cosby using Acosta for one of his love potions. And by the way, you might wanna take it easy on those tic tacs coz I think they might be turning your skin orange.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Then last night, Trump apologized the way a drunk ex would… at midnight on Facebook.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Bill Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: He said that Bill Clinton has told him must worse on the golf course. But you know Bill Clinton said it way smoother than that. [Colin Jost laughing] How can we trust this guy with our nation’s secrets when he’s just immediately willing to rat on all of his friends? I know Bill’s at home watching like, “What the hell, bro? You just sell me out? After I showed you my tic tac trick?”

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

You know Bill knows something about them tic tacs.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I’m just excited to see the debate tomorrow coz you know it’s the first time Trump’s ever gonna be like, “Can we please just focus on the issues?”

Vice Presidential Debate Cold Open

Elaine Quijano… Melissa Villaseñor

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Tim Kaine… Mikey Day

Brooke Baldwin… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Vice Presidential Debate intro]

Narrator: The following is an encore presentation of Tuesday night’s Vice Presidential Debate.

[Cut to Elaine Quijano in her set]

[cheers and applause]

Elaine Quijano: Good evening from Longwood University and welcome to the first and only Vice Presidential debate. I’m the new Hispanic cast member and tonight, I’ll be playing asian moderator Elaine Quijano because, baby steps. Now please, help me welcome America’s dad, senator Tim Kaine, and America’s stepdad governor Mike Pence.

[Mike Pence and Tim Kaine get in to the debate and shake their hands.]

[cheers and applause]

Mike Pence: Good evening.

Tim Kaine: Ola, Elaine.

[Cut to Elaine Quijano. She is getting angry.]

Elaine Quijano: Hello. I’d like to thank you both for being here, and also say that you look exactly like before and after Rogan ad.

[Cut to split screen with Tim Kaine and Mike Pence.]

Mike Pence: We know.

Tim Kaine: We know.

[Cut to Elaine Quijano

Elaine Quijano: Our first question tonight is about foreign policy. What are your plans to combat terrorism at home and abroad? Senator Kaine, we’ll start with you.

[Cut to split screen with Tim Kaine and Mike Pence.]

Tim Kaine: Awesome, Elaine. I have an awesome answer for this and here it is. Donald Trump has called Mexicans rapists and he’s called women pigs and slobs.

Mike Pence: No, no. That’s not true.

Tim Kaine: Yes, it is, Elaine!

Mike Pence: No, it’s not. Those are lies. Donald Trump loves women. He respects women. He has never said a single bad thing about women. And I dare you to show me a single shred of evidence that proves otherwise.

[Cut to CNN Breaking News intro]

Announcer: This is a CNN Breaking News alert.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin in her news set.]

Brooke Baldwin: Well, looks like Donald Trump finally got what he wanted, a working microphone. Newly leaked audio shows Donald Trump and Billy Bush making lewd comments about women on an access Hollywood bus in 2005. Here to address this breaking scandal is Donald Trump himself.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Are you not entertained?

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump]

Brooke Baldwin: Alright. Mr. Trump, this leaked audio showed you saying– you know, I can’t quite say it on live television. [hesitating to speak] But basically you said you wanted to– to–

Donald Trump: Grab them by the pussy.

Brooke Baldwin: Oh my god.

Donald Trump: And I would like to take this time to formally apple-lagize.

Brooke Baldwin: What? What are you saying?

Donald Trump: I deeply apple-lagize.

Brooke Baldwin: Are you trying to say apologize?

Donald Trump: No, I would never do that. [Cut to Donald Trump] What I am doing is apple-lagizing to all the people who are offended by my statements. But more importantly to the people who were turned on by them. I hear it’s really 50-50.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin]

Brooke Baldwin: Um, okay. But Mr. Trump, why would you say these horrible things in the first place?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Come on, Brooke, I was trying to look cool. I mean, what normal red blooded American doesn’t wanna impress the Billy Bush? Also, P.S., you have to admit it’s kind of funny that the only Bush who matters in this general election is Billy.

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump]

Brooke Baldwin: But doesn’t really excuse what you said.

Donald Trump: Listen, okay, this was way back in 2005. It was 11 years ago. Back when I was just a young childish 59year old man.

Brooke Baldwin: Um, okay. Now, Mr. Trump, many republicans have stood by you through a lot of other scandals but are now polling their support. People like senator John McCain.

Donald Trump: Coward.

Brooke Baldwin: Carly Fiorina.

Donald Trump: She’s a four.

Brooke Baldwin: And Idaho’s senator Mike Crapo.

Donald Trump: More like crap-o.

Brooke Baldwin: Okay. But you must admit this is bad for you.

Donald Trump: The only person I need is my running mate Mike Pence. I love Mike Pence. I respect Pence. I’ll always have Pence.

Brooke Baldwin: Well actually, today he said he can’t condone your remarks and then he cancelled his campaign events.

Donald Trump: Mike Pence is a loser. I hate his guts. I call him puny Pence.

Brooke Baldwin: Alright. Now, these comments have specifically offended women. What would you say to women voters watching this right now?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I would say this. Listen women, if you give me a chance I promise I can do a whole lot more than just grab it. I can also bop it, twist it and pull it.

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump. Brooke Baldwin is disgusted.]

Brooke, I’m tired of talking about me, okay? We need to move forward and focus on the serious issues. I’d like to say my condolences and prayers to everyone affected by Hurricane Matthew. I love people in Florida and I hope that they stay safe. I love the people in Florida. I hope they stay safe.

Brooke Baldwin: Wow, that was actually a very nice thing to say, Mr. Trump. Um, thank you for being here.

Donald Trump: Thank you for having me.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin]

Brooke Baldwin: Okay, that was republican nominee Donald Trump. Joining us now to discuss more on this–

Donald Trump: Yeah, let me tell you something okay?

[Brooke Baldwin looking around]

Brooke Baldwin: What is that?

Donald Trump: I wish I was that hurricane [Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump. Donald Trump doesn’t know he is still on air and is speaking to someone.] tearing through all of that hot Miami pussy. Oh yeah. I would just destroy it.

Brooke Baldwin: Mr. Trump, we can still hear you.

[Donald Trump looks at the camera]

Donald Trump: Really? Then I apple-logize.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin]

Brooke Baldwin: Okay, we now go live to Hillary Clinton’s campaign headquarters where they’ve just received news of the leak.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and her colleagues dancing and partying]

Hillary Clinton: [dancing] I’m sorry Brooke, I’m sorry I didn’t see you. We were so busy preparing for the debate tomorrow. I am studying so hard, I am really nervous for this one.

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton pops a champagne bottle and drinks from the bottle.]

Brooke Baldwin: Secretary Clinton, what do you think about this leaked audio? I mean you must have had a hard time listening to it.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, I did. [looks at her colleagues] Take five, kids. [Her colleagues leave] Um, I did Brooke. It was incredibly disturbing. And when I heard it, I was deeply saddened. [smiling] It made me feel just horrible and very depressed. I’m sorry Brooke. I mean, it is a very, very sad day for our country and for all women, minus one. [winks]

Brooke Baldwin: I have to say, Mrs. Clinton, you seem pretty excited by this leak.

Hillary Clinton: Well, you know, it’s my reward Brooke, for every single thing I’ve been through in the last 30 years. White water, Benghazi, Mary J. Blige singing into my face for a full hour last week.

Brooke Baldwin: Now, since Mr. Trump’s comments were so bad.

Hillary Clinton: So, so bad. Just horrible. Horrible.

Brooke Baldwin: Do you think he should drop out?

Hillary Clinton: No, no, no, no. Give him a shot. He deserves that. But I would like to all of the women out there who heard Trump’s comments and are still voting for him. [joining her hands] My babies, your brain broke. I love you but this, you’re cray!

Brooke Baldwin: Okay, Mrs. Clinton. Thank you for your time. Thank you everyone at home for joining us. We’ll keep you posted.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. Let me tell you something.

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump. Once again Donald Trump doesn’t know he’s on air.]

He’s a loser. He’s a huge, huge loser.

Brooke Baldwin: Mr. Trump?

Donald Trump: I mean, can you believe Ted Cruz endorsed me? Do you see that sad little video of him making calls for me? Talk about a pussy that I left to grab by the throat.

Brooke Baldwin: Mr. Trump, your microphone is still on.

[Donald Trump looks at the camera]

Donald Trump: What? It is? Then I would like to tell Ted Cruz in all sincerity, I stand by with that what I said. You’re a huge loser. And also, live from New York it’s Saturday night.