Don Roy King - Director of Saturday Night Live

Weekend Update Laura Parsins

Michael Che

Laura Parsins… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It’s time once again for our news casters of Tomorrow segment where a kid joins us to give news from their perspective. Tonight we have a young actress who’s in the Disney XD original movie ‘The Dolphin Diaries’, please welcome Laura Parsins.

[Laura Parsins slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Laura Parsins: Hello, Michael. What a thrill it is to be here.

[singing] News, talking about news
hey, Michael Che, did you hear today
it’s all in the news

Michael Che: Oh. Thanks for coming, Laura.

Laura Parsins: I hear Emily Blunt is here and she is the new Mary Poppins.

Michael Che: That’s right. She’ll be in a new movie.

[Cut to Laura Parsins]

Laura Parsins: I’m supercalifragilistic, XP available. [speaking in accent] Hello governor.

[Cut to Laura Parsins and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay, Laura! I don’t think audition is being held right now. Why don’t you just tell us what’s going on in the news.

[Cut to Laura Parsins]

Laura Parsins: Well, there’s a big election coming up. Hillary Clinton versus Donald Trump. And some people say Donald Trump is a bully because he calls people names. He might have said some bad things to a lady on a plane.

[Cut to Laura Parsins and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s right.

Laura Parsins: [yelling] And then he shoved his hands up her skirt.

Michael Che: Laura! This is– This is an adult subject. You know what sexual harassment is? Or assaule?

Laura Parsins: I think so. It’s when the boos looks at you and says, “Hi Chucks, if you want this job, you better give me the goods.”

Michael Che: Alright. Maybe– Alright, maybe you do know what it is. Um, I hope that’s not the only thing you learned about this election.

Laura Parsins: Of course not. Our teacher asked us to watch the debates. It’s so cool. Regular citizens get to ask the candidates the questions. Like, Ken Bone. He’s a big huggable man in a red sweater.

Michael Che: I saw him. He seemed very nice.

Laura Parsins: I thought so too until he got on Reddit and talked about my favorite actress Jennifer Lawrence.

Michael Che: Alright, Laura!

[Cut to Laura Parsins]

Laura Parsins: [yelling] He said he liked her butthole.

Michael Che: Laura! [Cut to Laura Parsins and Michael Che] You can’t talk like that.

Laura Parsins: Why not? Billy Bush said bad things and my mom says he might get $10 million… [yelling] from this network.

Michael Che: Laura!

Laura Parsins: [speaking accent] I’m on a diet. I need a nanny.

Michael Che: There’s no Mary Poppins audition, Laura. Let’s talk about something fun. What’s something fun that you’re into?

Laura Parsins: Well, my school had a circus last week. You could dress up as an acrobat or an animal or a clown.

Michael Che: Oh, that’s cool.

[Cut to Laura Parsins]

Laura Parsins: It sure is. They love clowns. Except in South Carolina [yelling] where they’re luring kids into the woods.

Michael Che: Laura!

[Cut to Laura Parsins and Michael Che]

Laura Parsins: [yelling] Best case scenario, you’re a molester.

Michael Che: Alright! Thank you, Laura. You were great. You did fantastic.

Laura Parsins: I was? Wow. Guess I passed the audition. [Cut to Laura Parsins] [singing] And that’s in the news

[Cut to Laura Parsins and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Laura Parsins. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of earth at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that the best place in the world for young girls to live is Sweden, while the worst place for young girls to live on your hard drive. I said worst place.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bear at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, this will get you back. A man in California was attacked by bears after he interrupted them having sex. Even worse, they were having sex with his wife. We tried. [Michael Che laughing] And in some very exciting news tonight, the Nobel prize for literature went to Bob Dylan. Even more shocking, Nobel prize for medicine went to Dr. Dre.

Sink

[Starts with a video clip of a unique bathroom sink that looks like a huge glass bowl]

Female voice: Am I too much? Oh, my god! I’m simply too much. I am gigantic. I feel overdressed and like I’m in everyone’s way. Why do I have to be such a statement? Look at the toilet, it’s just a toilet. I look like Zeus was christened in me. I feel like everyone thinks I need something from them. I’m the answer to a question no one asked. Nothing about me is instinctual. Will I make sense in the future? I’m just so… wide. I want one minute with a man who designed me. Just one minute to dive into that mind and understand whether–

[someone opens the tap and washes hands.]

[gargling sound]

[The tap closes]

[sink breathes in]

Oh god, I’m so tired of my self. Am I the biggest sink in the world? I feel so… seen.

Short Film

Host… Alex Moffat

Emily Blunt

Vanessa Bayer

Andrew… Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Host speaking on the stage]

Host: Hello. Welcome to the 16^th Annual AnnArbor Short Film Festival. Um, so tonight we’ve got a really special one for you. I think you’re gonna love it. Also, stick around after the screening for a Q&A with the cast and crew. And now, without any further due, I present Qua.

[The movie starts]

[Emily is looking herself at the mirror. She looks sad.]

[Cut to Emily running from something. She falls and looks back. It turns out she is running away from herself.]

Emily: [scared] It’s me.

[Cut to Host clapping on the stage]

Host: Now, please help me welcome the cast and crew of Qua.

[Cut to the audience. All of them except one stands up and walk to the stage.]

Come on up, guys. Yeah, awesome. Very cool. Excellent. Yeah, congrats guys. Cool. Thank you all for being here. Alright. And um, I gotta say, truly stunning work. Okay, let’s just jump right in and get some audience questions.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience. There is a mic.]

Vanessa: Oh. I guess I’ll go. Um, good job everybody. Um, what was that all about?

[Cut to the stage. Andrew takes the mic.]

Andrew: Um, for me I guess it’s sort of about just the holocaust.

[Cecily takes the mic]

Cecily: Oh, yeah, sorry. Um, and just a piggy back off of what Andrew said, it’s also about like, “Yeah, why do we wear make up?”

[Beck takes the mic]

Beck: Yeah, right. But at the end of the day, it’s also comedy.

Host: Okay, great. Um, let’s take another question.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: Okay. Um, I’ll go again. Um, for the actress I guess, did you get to do any improv on set?

[Cut to the stage]

Emily: Oh. [she takes the mic] Yeah, that was a great question. There wasn’t a ton of improv coz you know, it was such a great script. But I did get to improv a few little things like, you know, the part where I said, “It’s me.” You know, that was improvised. And then you know that part where I was running and I fell down, that was also improvised. And then, the part where I was in the bathroom, that was all improv. But other than that, it was really, really scripted.

Host: Okay. Let’s take one more question.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: Dammit. Oh, um, what were some of your influences for this movie?

[Cut to the stage. Mikey gets the mic.]

Mikey: Um, I guess for me, I’d say Richard Linklater and Charlie Kaufman.

Beck: Yeah, for me I definitely say Charlie Kaufman and Richard Linklater. Yeah.

Kate: I guess for me it was sort of the combination of Richard Linklater and also Charlie Kaufman.

Aidy: And for me, it was the British Office.

Host: Okay. So, we have time for 10 to 15 more questions. Yes, miss.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: I guess, can you tell me about the music. And also, you don’t need to pass the mic if that will make this go faster.

Kenan: No, we don’t mind.

Emily: Um, this is actually a really cool story. The music was supposed to be an original song by Alicia Keys.

Host: Oh, that’s cool.

Emily: Yeah, yeah. But then, um, right before we started shooting we realized that none of us had Alicia’s email or anything. So, we couldn’t do that.

Host: Now, I gotta jump in here. Um, obviously there was a lot of symbolism in the movie.

All: Yeah.

Host: Does anyone have any questions about the symbolism? Um, yes you, putting on your coat and purse.

[Cut to Vanessa getting ready to leave]

Vanessa: Oh! Yes, um, can you talk about the number 3s that were all over the woods.

[Cut to the stage]

Kenan: [gets the mic] Thanks a lot. I’m sorry, what 3s?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: There were huge number 3s all over the woods in that woods scene?

[Cut to the stage. All the members are looking at each other’s faces confused.]

Kenan: I have no idea what you are talking about.

Host: Okay. We’re almost out of time. But real quick, why don’t we go down the line and just say what you’re working on now.

Aidy: Nothing.

Kenan: Nothing for me.

Kate: I’m doing some grocery shopping later today.

Mikey: Um, I’m doing nothing.

Beck: Nothing for me.

Cecily: Um, I’m going camping. Not this weekend but next.

Andrew: Um, I’m also doing nothing.

Emily: Um, I’m in ‘the Girl On the Train’ which is out in threatres right now.

Host: Oh, fun. Cool.

[The End]

Melanianad

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Ivanka Trump… Emily Blunt

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Omarosa… Sasheer Zamata

Tiffany Trump… Vanessa Bayer

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with video clips of female friends and family members of Donald Trump thinking deep]

Melania: Here lies my last nerve, Donald. I’ve stood by your side this whole campaign, your beautiful, dutiful Melania. I can’t take it anymore. I am your wife.

Ivanka: Your daughter.

Kellyanne: Your mouth piece.

Omarosa: Your one black friend.

Tiffany: Your other daughter.

All: And you’re breaking us. Taking us for granted that we’ll always be there.

Melania: But one day soon, Donald, you may wake up and this bomb pussy bow blouse will be gone.

[music playing]

[Music video starts]

Melania: I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry
Donald, na!

‘m not sorry
I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry

Kellyanne: Always screwing up (I’m not sorry)
expect me to clean it up (I’m not sorry)
said I’d stick with you unless (I’m not sorry)
I think we’ve gotten to unless (I’m not sorry)
Melania: Me and my ladies pack our Gucci up
we spilling tea with our pinkies up
fix your bald spot, I’ve had enough
tryna’ thinking about you
I’m done thinking about

All: Four fingers up, make them bend right
poke him in the face, tell him, “Boy, bye”
tell him, “Boy, bye” (you’re fired)

four fingers up, tired of thinking about you

Ivanka: Daddy once tweeted “Sorry”
I’m not even making music
I’m supposed to be the brain tear
what the hell have happen thinking?

Now he’s bringing Paula Jones in
there goes my friendship with Chelsea Clinton
I miss you Chelsea Clinton
Call me Chelsea

All: Tired of thinking about you
I’m done thinking about you

four fingers up
tired of thinking about you.

Tiffany: Hell na! I killed on that convention speech, no lie
but I’ll never be Ivanka in your eyes
I don’t give a damn, tonight I’m turning tables
don’t call me Tiffany Trump, I’m Tiff Maples

Omarosa: Leaving the resignation in the hall way
signed as Omarosa, there’s no last name
No last name
I ain’t f***n with no last name

Melania: Don’t take me wrong, I have a good life
but Donald don’t underestimate your wife
I got Eastern Europe mindset
I might forgive but I won’t forget
Donald baby, watch out (watch out)
me and my women’s about to walk out
I see Mike Pence in the corner
looking for the back door

Mike Pence: You only want me when I’m not there

All: Without us you wouldn’t be standing there

Melania: You just be that guy with that weed hair
you just be that guy with that weed hair

I wrote that all by myself.

Donald Trump: Come on Melania, ready? It’s the wedding. Let’s go. You look very nice. But let’s go.

Women: Yes. Okay.

[All the women start walking]

Donald Trump: Tiffany, you wait here.

Tiffany: Oh! Cool.

Melania Moments #3

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Housemaid

[Starts with Melania Moments intro]

Male voice: Melania moments, number 102, The Housemaid.

[Cut to Melania watching at the housemaid in her house]

Melania Trump couldn’t help but notice that the housemaid looked a lot like her. She wondered if the resemblance was convincing enough, they could switch places for a day. That way she thought, “I could go out into the world. See a bus. See a hill. Or even feel the texture of sand. She’d stay here in the land of Donald. Not a fair trade for oh, how I long to touch sand.”

[The end]

Honda Robotics

Bobby Moynihan

Docimo… MIkey Day

Docima… Emily Blunt

Caren… Leslie Jones

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Bobby speaking to a crowd]

Bobby: Welcome to the Honda Robotics Lounge here at Nexcon. We are offering glimpses into Honda’s advancements in robotic technologies all day. And if everyone could put their phones on airplane mode for this next portion, that would be great. Now, is anybody hungry? Coz I got some good news. We hired a couple of caterers for this event. You might recognize them actually. They are Honda’s second generation mobile smart bots, Docimo and Docima.

[The door behind Bobby opens. Two robots walk out.]

Docimo: Would you like a Mac and cheeseballs?

Bobby: Wow. Yes, I would. Thank you Docimo. And what do you have there Docima?

Docima: Would you like a crunchy mini quesadillas?

Bobby: Oh, yes ma’am!

Docimo: Hey! Those are for the guests.

Bobby: [laughing] Okay, great job you two.

Docima: High-five.

Docimo: Pound it.

Bobby: Okay. Now, would you please serve our guests?

[Docima walks down and towards the guests]

Docima: Do you want a crunchy mini quesadillas?

Bobby: Wow! Look at her go, folks. And what are you still doing up here, Docimo? Get down there with those mac and cheeseballs. I see some people’s mouths watering.

Docimo: Do you want a mac and cheeseball- ball- ball- ball- ball- ball.

Bobby: Oh! Ha-ha-ha. Looks like Docimo is having a little bit of trouble. Let’s get one of our Honda robo wranglers out here to fix him up. Okay, hey Caren.

[The door behind Bobby opens. Caren walks in.]

Caren: Oh, man! I don’t know if this has been said but if anyone’s cellphone is not on wifi, it’s gonna mess with these things. Wifi please.

Bobby: Okay. Caren’s working on Docimo here but we still got Docima out there with mini quesadillas.

[Cut to Docima talking to Kate very near to her ear.]

Docima: Would you like a tasty mini quesadillas?

Kate: I said no.

Docima: Would you like an oowy, gooey, yummy, delicious mini quesadillas?

Kate: I do not.

Docima: would you like a delicious, toasty, cheesy quesadillas.

Kate: I already had one and I didn’t like it.

Docima: Would you like an oowy, gooey, cheesy, delicious mini quesadillas?

Kate: It’s face is so cold.

[Cut to Bobby and Docimo]

Bobby: Okay. And guess who’s ready with those mac and cheeseballs. Make sure you get some of these.

Docimo: Would you like a mac and cheeseballlllll–

[Docimo falls sideways]

[machine breaking sound]

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: Man, I wanted one of those mac and cheeseballs.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Okay. Caren, why don’t you come on out here again. Okay.

[Caren walks out]

Caren: Man, I am telling I’m not playing. With the phone thing, text message did this to this dude. We got free wifi in here. Please.

Docimo: Would you like toasty mac and cheeseball? Pound it! Pound it!

Caren: Stop moving, dude!

Bobby: Okay. Well, while Caren gives Docimo a hand, does anybody have any questions about the exciting new Hondo robotics projects? Yes, sir.

[Cut to Beck. Docima is still walking with the food tray and is trying to talk through the wall.]

Beck: What sort of practical purpose would your robots have in the everyday world?

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Now, that is an excellent question. Okay. But first sir, would you mind just giving Docima a little spin there please? Thank you.

[Cut to Beck. He spins Docima a little.]

Docima: Would you like a toasty mini quesadillas?

Beck: No.

[Docima follows Beck]

[Cut to Bobby and Caren]

Caren: Sorry everyone, this one’s going back in it’s big plastic suitcase he lives in.

[Docimo runs around]

[Caren holds Docimo by the throat and hits him to the wall. Docimo falls.]

Stay down, dude!

Docimo: Do you want a mac and cheesebal.

Caren: Now for real, I’m going to check everybody’s phone here. [text message beep] Oh, oh, damn. Sorry. That was my phone. I’m sorry. My bad.

Hamster

Mom… Aidy Bryant

PJ… Kyle Mooney

Alice… Kate McKinnon

James… Beck Bennett

Emily Blunt

Alex Moffat

[Starts with Mom talking to PJ ]

Mom: Aw, honey. What’s going on, PJ? You’ve been staring at your hamster cage for gosh, an hour now.

PJ : Ever since we put in the new guys, the old ones are being really mean.

Mom: Um, okay. Well, the lady at Petco said that they might fight a little but that they’ll work it out.

PJ : I don’t know mom. It’s pretty bad.

[Cut to the hamsters]

Alice: He can’t get it up. Did he tell you that?

James: Hmm, you’re drunk. You’re a drunk hamster Alice. A drunk hamster.

Alice: How else could I survive living in this pathetic little cage with you?

James: Oh, you want a big cage, Alice? Go on. Go back to Harrow.

Alice: Oh, again with the damn guinea pig.

James: Um, he has a big cage. Isn’t that what you like, Alice? Big expensive things.

[Cut to Emily and Alex]

Emily: Oh my, it is getting late. I think we have to head on home.

Alex: Yes, thank you for the evening. We’ll see ourselves out.

Alice: Oh, no, no. But stay, dinner is almost ready.

James: Yeah, it’s almost burnt to a crisp.

Alice: It’s pallet roast, James. It’s refined.

Emily: You know, we actually have a toilet paper roll in home to finish. So we should…

Alex: Oh, yes. Thanks for the offer.

James: Hmm, I’d like to off her.

Alice: What was that coward?

James: I’d like to off you.

[Cut to PJ and his mom ]

PJ : I think we should get another cage.

Mom: Well, maybe you just need to feed them, right? Maybe they’re just hungry.

PJ : I don’t know. It still feels really tense.

[PJ puts in some food for the hamsters.]

[Cut to the hamsters eating.]

Emily: Um, James, so what do you do for work?

James: Well, I used to be in sales but now I’m mostly working on pulling in that sock from the side of the cage.

[Cut to a sock stuck at the cage]

Emily: Oh, that’s fascinating. How wonderful–

Alice: [mocking] Oh, that’s fascinating, is it? Ha-ha! What I wouldn’t give these 12 weeks olds again. Just a wide eyed easily impressed little floosy.

Alex: Now, wait a minute.

James: Oh, that’s enough.

Alice: Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot we’re all lying to ourselves tonight.

Emily: Alice, please. We’re all neighbors. I thought we might as well get to know each other.

Alice: Oh, you would like to get to know my husband, wouldn’t you Ms. Fluffy? Can’t keep your lies off his tail.

James: Not everyone is as sick as you, Alice.

Alice: Oh! I’m sick?

James: You’re sick.

Alice: How am I sick?

James: Oh, you want me to tell you how you’re sick?

Alice: Tell me. Tell me how I am sick.

James: Oh, you’re sick coz you’re scared. You’re always running. Running on that wheel. Trying to run away from something but you can’t run away from yourself, Alice. It eats you up inside.

[Alice claps]

Alice: I had no idea you were a poet, James. Here I thought you were just a choir.

[Cut to PJ and his mom ]

Mom: Okay, you know what PJ? I think you might be right.

PJ : I told you. That older one keeps playing mind games with our new.

Mom: I know. They’re just– they’re going in circles and I can’t take it.

PJ : We have to put a stop to this. Or they will.

Mom: Alright, I’ll get a bucket.

[Cut to the hamsters]

Alice: Go ahead. Hit me.

James: You want me to hit you?

Alice: Oh, go on and hit me.

James: You’d like that, wouldn’t you?

Alice: Oh, I’m not a man. Hit me.

James: Oh, get nice black eye to show your friends?

Alice: He doesn’t have the tail to hit me.

[James hits Alice]

Ou! That wasn’t so hard, was it?

James: Your’e a poison. You’re toxic. You’re sick.

Emily: Stop it. Stop it. Listen to yourselves. So much hatred. We have a short time on this earth before we’re buried in a New Balance shoe box. Why can’t we just enjoy each other’s company?

James: She ate our babies, you know? All eight of them.

Alice: I was hungry.

[Cut to PJ and his mom . Mom is holding a bucket]

Mom: Okay, let’s get those newer guys out of there.

PJ : Oh, silence mother. What do you know about pets?

Mom: Okay. These are all going back and you can have a dog.

PJ : Awesome, baby!

Escorts

Daniel… Alex Moffat

Tod… Mikey Day

Melony… Emily Blunt

Cara… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Daniel and Tod in a hotel suite]

Daniel: Dude, I’m so nervous. Ah!

Tod: Dude, why? They’re escorts. We’re paying them to like us.

[door knocking]

Alright, they’re here. Let them in.

Daniel: Okay, yeah.

[Daniel opens the door. Two women walk in]

Melony: Well, hello. We’re dates from elegant evenings.

Cara: May we come in?

Daniel: Yes, of course. Come in.

Melony: Thank you.

Cara: Executive suite, impressive. You two must do well for yourselves.

Melony: Or their daddies do.

[Daniel and Tod laughing]

Daniel: Well.

Melony: Nice to meet you. What’s your name? Daniel?

Daniel: I’m Melony. Don’t forget to breathe, sweetie.

Cara: So that makes you Tod. I hope you like what you see.

Tod: Oh, I love what I see. You’re even sexier than your picture on the website.

Daniel: Yeah. Ah, listen, we’ve never actually done this before. So, like, what do we do first?

Melony: Well, first we have a little chat. As you know, elegant evenings provides high class ladies as such, there are some rules. First kissing. I will kiss but only with this amount of tongue.

[Melony takes little of her tongue out and shows it]

Cara: I allow kissing with full tongue but only on the cheek.

Tod: Alright. Good to know. Good to know.

Daniel: So, um, what now?

Melony: We’re not done. Certain laundry detergents cause me to break out into an itchy raged rash and so you will have to strip all the sheets off the bed and we’ll enjoy each other’s company on the bare mattress.

Daniel: Just a bare hotel mattress? Isn’t that a little gross?

Melony: It’s not nearly as gross as the rash, Daniel.

Cara: And Tod, um, we need to come up with the safe word.

Daniel: Oh, um, I think I can handle it. I don’t need a safe word.

Cara: Um, yeah, you do. I’m a powerful woman, understand? I mean, stand up.

Tod: Okay.

[Tod and Cara stand up next to each other. Cara is very tall.]

Cara: Just look at our size difference. I’m gonna rag doll you, man. It’s gonna be like a sneaker in a dryer.

Tod: Yeah. Okay, yeah. Let’s pick a safe word.

Cara: Good. Our safe word is, “I’m scared, please stop.”

Tod: Okay. Um, question. What if I want to role play?

Cara: That’s fine. But I can only role play Stewie from the Family Guy.

Tod: [laughing] Stewie from Family Guy is my only option?

Cara: Yeah. It’s the only voice I can do but I’m really good at it. [in deep voice] “Hello Bryan. Look at all these imbeciles.” What do you think? You want some Stewie tonight?

Tod: Yeah, let’s play it by ear.

Cara: Yeah.

Melony: And Daniel, if you want to role play, I only do Patty Pendri Gast.

Daniel: Oh, um, I don’t know who that is.

Melony: Oh, she is an original character. She’s a clumsy maid and she has a catch phrase, [in British accent] “Oopsie doopsie, I mufffed you up again.”

Daniel: Wow, that’s really creative.

Cara: Tod, I need to separate business from personal. So tonight, I will be wearing these Lindsey Vonn oakley alpines. [puts on a skiing goggles]

Tod: Okay, you’re gonna wear those the entire time?

Cara: Yes, sir. The clothes come off, these come on.

Melony: And Daniel, I have a vitamin D depletion disorder. I’m require an extreme sort of a mountain milk on a daily basis. So while we’re being intimate, I will take several sudden milk breaks. I’m telling you this now so that you’re not scared because I will scream something like, “Get off me you douche, I need milk.” And I will sort of consume milk frantically.

Daniel: Thanks for the heads up.

Tod: Yeah. Um, do you ladies mind if we just talk for a second?

Melony: Not at all.

Tod: Excellent. Thank you.

[Daniel and Tod walk to the corner of the room.]

Daniel: Dude, I wish some of these stuffs had been in the website?

Tod: I mean for $5,000 each, I just kind of wish it said like, “Only role play as a Stewie and is kind of bad at the voice.”

Daniel: Right. Or, “Will stop sex to chug milk.” I mean, you’re still into this?

Melony: House keeping. [Cut to Melony] Patty Pendri Gast at your service. [Melony falls down]

[Cut to Daniel and Tod]

Daniel: Oh, man! That is so not a turn on.

[Cut to Melony]

Melony: Oopsie doopsie, I mufffed you up again.

[Cut to Cara. She is wearing oakley goggles and has Stewie costume ready.]

Cara: Bryan! Do you want Stewie to put this on now or later?

[Cut to Daniel and Tod]

Daniel: Well, we’ll make a good story.

Tod: Yeah. Alright. Let’s lose our virginities.

Daniel: Boom!

Emily Blunt Happy Monologue

Emily Blunt

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Emily Blunt.

[Emily Blunt walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Emily Blunt: Oh, thank you guys, so much. So much. I am Emily Blunt and as you can tell from my accent, I am smarter than you. So excited to be here at Saturday Night Live. It just means I’m not at home watching the news, riot with this election. I just feel like they’re these dark clouds sort of hanging over all of us and we need a break. So, if it’s okay, I just wanna see if we can get some fun, positive energy in here. Right? Can we do that?

[cheers and applause]

I wanna be happy again.

[music playing]

[singing] Forget the troubles, come on get happy
better chainsaw your cares away
shanana-luya come on get happy
get ready for a better day

Okay, starting to feel a bit better but we can do more.

[Mikey Day walks in with cookies]

Mikey, the cookies. Well done.

Mikey Day: Yes, got em’ right here.

Emily Blunt: Let’s do this.

[Emily Blunt walks to the audience with a plate of cookies]

The sun is shining come on get happy
come on and take my hand

[Emily Blunt hands over the plate of cookies to an audience]

Keep the plate

shanana-luya come on get happy

we’re going to the promise land

[Emily Blunt gets back to the stage]

Oh, that felt good. It felt so good. But we gotta pump up for happy even more. Kenan and Cecily, bring in the puppies.

[Kenan Thompson and Cecily Strong walk in with puppies]

Emily, Kenan and Cecily: We’re heading for good times
you can count on me
you just got to hold tight
and then you will see

Emily Blunt: Give those puppies away, guys. Yeah, that’s right. Everyone’s getting a puppy. Not just for comedy. They’re your responsibility for the rest of your life.

[Cut to Kenan at the audience handing over the puppy]

Kenan: That’s right. His name is Dr. Fuzz and he is not partly trained. And he just ate. [

[Cut to Cecily at the audience handing over the puppy]

Cecily: Okay, this is Pepper and she hasn’t had any shots since she hates people. Good luck.

[Cut to Emily Blunt]

Emily Blunt: Aw, how cute is that? You see you can’t worry about anything when a puppy is licking your face, right? There you go sir, just let it lick your face. Let it lick you. Fantastic. Yes.

Emily, Kenan and Cecily: Sun is shining, come on get happy
come on and take our hands
shanana-luya come on get happy
we’re going to the promise land

Emily Blunt: Okay, there’s a guy there just looking very stressed. Might you just take him over to the massage chair?

[Cut to Pete Davidson pulling a guy in the audience.]

Pete Davidson: Okay, come on. Right this way, sir. Come on. Don’t be weird. This is gonna be great. Okay? [Pete makes the audience sit on a chair] And if you don’t mind, I’m gonna start with the butt and work my way down.

Emily, Kenan and Cecily: Shanana-luya come on get happy
we’re heading for a better day

Emily Blunt: Oh, there’s a lady here that feels left out. Vanessa, can you give her her cake?

[Cut to a girl in the audience. Vanessa Bayer hands over her a huge cake that has her photo on it.]

Vanessa: Here is your cake. Um, I can tell it’s your’s because we we put your face on it.

Emily, Kenan and Cecily: We’re heading for good time

Emily Blunt: You can count on me

Emily, Kenan and Cecily:It’s gonna be alright, just you wait and see

Emily Blunt: It’s time to put this over the top guys. All your moms are here. They wanna hug.

[Cut to the audience. Their moms walk to them and hug laughing.]

Emily, Kenan and Cecily: Forget your troubles, come on get happy
that will chase all your cares away
shanana-luya come on get happy
get ready, get ready, get ready for a better day

[Balloons fall on them from above]

Emily Blunt: Oh my god. We have a great show. We are here, you are here, Bruno Mars is here. And we’re all happy. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

[cheers and applause]