Beck Bennett Archives - Page 41 of 49 - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Royal Romance

Prentis Popplewell … Kate McKinnon

Duchess of Clerkenwell … Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Jimmy J Robertson … Kenan Thompson

Charles, Prince of Wales … Beck Bennett

Duchess of Clerkenwell

[Starts with Royal Romance intro]

Announcer: You’re watching Royal Romance, a BBC special event.

[Cut to Prentis Popplewell]

Prentis Popplewell: Good evening. I’m Prentis Popplewell. When prince Harry fell in love with a gorgeous American Starlet, we all went, “Ah.” But when Meghan Markle wanted to do things a little differently, some went, “Ah.” But this isn’t the first mixed raced royal couple who had to endure this sort of hostility. Tonight, we look back at the lesser known, Duchess of Clerkenwell, and the relationship that almost brought down the entire monarchy. This is Royal Romance.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: The year was 1972. I had made my first journey to America. And there I met the man of my dreams. His name was Jimmy J Robertson.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: But I was known up and down these streets as thunder stick, and my ass was about to live in a castle.

Prentis Popplewell: Thunder stick was a comedian, street poet, and Blaxploitation actor. Perhaps best known for his films, “The Return of Petey Biscuit Bits” and “Bitch, I Will Shoot You Right In the Face.”

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: But when I met Jimmy, he told me his primary occupation was karate, and I found it so refreshing.

[Cut to a clip from action movie where Jimmy J Robertson is fighting]

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Some of the other royals, they just didn’t understand Jimmy.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: Yeah, I was both ahead of and way behind my times.

[Cut to Charles, Prince of Wales]

Charles: I’ll admit, when my niece brought Thunderstick over, I was a bit skeptical, mainly because he threw a bag of cocaine on the table, and said, “Nobody leaves the room until this big is empty”.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: Jimmy brought fun to the royal family. He would stay up all night drinking, reciting Limericks about how unattractive our mothers were. Yet he would also vow to have sexual relations with all of them.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: And then I demonstrated exactly how I was going to do it using an ottoman. Wore that thing down the threads.

[Cut to Duchess of Hertfordshire]

Duchess of Hertfordshire: At official events he requested to be introduced as the duke of dookie, and I’ll never forget the poem that he performed.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson saying his poem]

Jimmy J Robertson: I got me a palace surrounded by class.

I got two corgis going to bark at your ass.

When I raise my royal scepter, all my lady subjects bow.

They say, damn Thunderstick, give them the thunder now.

Come on red. We doing this?

[Cut to Charles, Prince of Wales]

Charles: He performed that at the christening of Prince William.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: But for all his foibles. Jimmy helped modernize the monarchy. He knighted the first black American transforming mix-a-lot into sir mix-a-lot. And Jimmy was fabulous with children.

Cut to Jimmy J Robertson telling story to the children]

Jimmy J Robertson: Take a wild ride to Banberry cross. See a fine lady up on a white horse. Rings on her fingers, bells on her palms, that funky bitch was loud when I blew that orgasm out her drawers. You all are 18 right?

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: But the media could be ruthless.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: You better believe they hated my catch phrase, “Take a look at my big black ass”.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: And in the end we drifted apart.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: Yeah, as much as we had in common, we were from different worlds.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: Also he cheated on me with a waffle house waitress.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: I did do that, bot it scattered, smothered, and covers, baby.

[Cut to Prentis Popplewell]

Prentis Popplewell: Let’s take a quick break. When we return, a clip from Thunderstick’s Kung Fu censor film “Ho Ho Hi-Ya!” on Royal Romance.

Mike Pence Impeachment Strategy Cold Open

Mike Pence … Beck Bennett

William Barr … Aidy Bryant

Rudy Giuliani … Kate McKinnon

Mike Pompeo … Matthew Broderick

Mr. Schiff … Mikey Day

Ben Carson … Kenan Thompson

President of Finland … Alex Moffat

[Cut to Mike Pence, Rudy Giuliani and William Barr in a meeting]

Mike Pence: Rudy, attorney general Barr, thank you for joining me. As you know, this impeachment farce is growing worse by the day. And now, a second whistle-blower is coming forward.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: And it’s all happening during my busy season – Halloween.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Where is the president, Mike?

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: He has more important things to deal with. He’s meeting with an alligator breeder about filling a moat at the border.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: You should have told me. I know a couple of gators from when I lived in the central park zoo.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Rudy, we need to get ahead of this story before it spirals out of control. Did you see those text messages they uncovered?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: What! They totally exonerate us.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Really? What do they say?

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: Well, this one says, “I think we should stop texting about the crimes and maybe tell the crimes over the phone that the crimes don’t leave little crime footprints.” See, it’s all taken care of.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: I can’t believe that. I’m supposed to be seeing the new Judy Garland movie with mother.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: You worry too much, Mike. Presidents get impeached every 30 or 40 years. Now, come on, relax, have another glass of milk.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Well, it’s 5 somewhere. [Mike Pence drinks milk in a whiskey glass]

[Assistant walks in]

Assistant: Mr. Vice President, secretary Mike Pompeo has returned from Greece and is here to see you.

Mike Pence: Oh!

[Mike Pompeo walks in]

Mike Pompeo: Hey, good to be back.

Mike Pence: Mike, weren’t you subpoenaed by congress?

Mike Pompeo: I was, but I think I bought myself a little time.

[Cut to the chairman Mr. Schiff]

Mr. Schiff: This meeting of the house intelligence committee will now come to order. Pompeo. Pompeo. Pompeo.

[Cut to a doll of Mike Pompeo]

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: Listen, I’ve been asking around and I think that this whole impeachment thing could be really bad.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Who told you that?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: Like, America.

Rudy Giuliani: Not according to this Breitbart office poll that says 121% of people want Biden impeached.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Maybe we should listen to Mike. After all, he is secretary of—

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: State, I think? Honestly, I don’t know anymore. My ID just says Big Mike.

[Cut to William Barr]

William Barr: That’s right. The only original cabinet member left in Ben Carson.

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Did somebody say my name?

Mike Pence: That’s okay, Ben. This isn’t your job.

Ben Carson: Okay. But I’ve been sitting in my empty office for like three years. Does anyone know what my job is supposed to be?

William Barr: No idea. Anyone? I don’t know.

Ben Carson: Even if somebody could give me my password to my computer, that would be a great help.

William Barr: You know what? I better show Mr. Carson out.

Mike Pence: But you’ll be back, right? We’re in the middle of a crisis here.

William Barr: Oh, for sure, 100%. See you soon.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani and Mike Pompeo]

Rudy Giuliani: Listen, guys, we’re going to be just fine. We need to close ranks, you know? Like the mafia.

Mike Pompeo: Uh, yeah, except the mafia was like, smart. They didn’t go on Fox News and tell people crimes before they did them.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, that reminds me, I promised Hannity I would go on his show tonight. I better get into my stage make up so I look less– While I’m going, you guys should get your stories straight. Okay? Something like how hunter Biden started pizza gate or how this can all be traced back to Takashi 69. Whatever the worst idea is, text it to me so the feds have a record. I’ll be back.

[Rudy Giuliani leaves]

Mike Pompeo: He’s probably right about getting out stories straight.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Yes, because even if they’re not straight now, they could still be converted to straight, right?

[Cut to Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: You know, though the other thing we could do is just flee the country. There’s a whole list of countries that would love to have us. North Korea, Saudi Arabia. End of list.

[Cut to everybody]

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, who is this guy?

President of Finland: I’m the president of Finland.

Mike Pence: Oh, my god. You’re still here? From the press conference?

[Cut to President of Finland]

President of Finland: Yes. Mr. Trump kept screaming and then he just walked off and I did not know if it was over or what.

[Cut to Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: You can go. You’re going to go.

[Cut to President of Finland]

President of Finland: Well, I did want to say, the concept of diplomacy is very important.

[Cut to Mike Pompeo]

Mike Pompeo: Oh, that’s cute. Hey, you know what? [Cut to everybody] I’m going to walk this guy out. So, what’s Finland like? I mean to live in.

President of Finland: It’s nice.
Mike Pence: Wait. You’re coming back, right, Mike? Because if things go bad for Trump, then I’m president.

Mike Pompeo: Oh, yeah, yeah, that’s great, that’s going to work out just great. I can’t wait for that to happen. And hey, impeachment moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around, might miss it.

[Mike Pompeo leaves]

[Cut to Mike Pence alone in a room]

Mike Pence: Wow, it looks like I’m here all alone.

[Assistant walks in with a basket]

Assistant: Actually, sir, Stephen Miller wanted to talk to you.

Mike Pence: Oh. Fantastic.

Assistant: Here he is.

[Assistant opens the basket, a snake comes out]

Mike Pence: Oh, thanks for coming by, Stephen. Do you have any way out of this impeachment? [Snake whispering] Oh really? [Snake whispering] Biden, corruption? Okay, uh-huh. Get Nicholas Cage to steal the constitution and blame it on immigrants? Do you really think that will work? [Snake whispering] God, he’s good. He’s good.

[Assistant walks in]

And speaking of good, Rudy Giuliani is back from his appearance on Fox News. He’s still in stage makeup.

[Rudy Giuliani walks in with The Joker make up]

Rudy Giuliani: I killed on Hannity.

Mike Pence: Did you say killed?

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right, and I’ll kill again.

Mike Pence and Rudy Giuliani: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Kaylee, Crystal & Janetta

Mikey Day

Kaylee … Aidy Bryant

Janetta …Kate McKinnon

Crystal … Cecily Strong

Jean … Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Gerald … Beck Bennett

[Starts with a clip of Buddy’s State Line Bar]

[Cut to the bar. There are two ladies yelling at other people.]

Mikey Day: Hey, hey, hey, I know you all are regulars but you’re getting too rowdy, okay? And your friend is dancing too wild, [Cut to Kate McKinnon Dancing wild on the jukebox] all right? I’m getting complaints.

Kaylee: Oh, okay. What is this, the Ritz-Carlton? What’s wrong with Janetta? What’s up with you, Janetta?

[Cut to Janetta]

Janetta: I met by my ex-boyfriend.

[Cut to three ladies]

Kaylee: What? That’s the only kind of good boyfriend there is.

Crystal: Ex.

Kaylee: So, which one?

[Cut to Janetta]

Janetta: Gerald. From the guitar center.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Kaylee: Oh, the one we all slept with and now hate.

Janetta: Yeah.

[Cut to everyone]

Kaylee: Oh, Jenny! Where have you been?

Jean: Hell, good! [Cut to Janetta and Jean] My brother Tren just got out of three nights’ prison, left the police to seat middle at in the yard he had planned with. He did a big old surprise with a dynamite.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: Sheet metal is no doubt.

[Cut to Janetta and Jean]

Janetta: I tried to throw a piece of sheet metal on my ex-boyfriend. And I guess wind got underneath it, blew that sucker, bow, right back in my face.

Jean: Screw him. You don’t need no man. None of us do. Look at us. We want love? We can find it.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: Easy.

Kaylee: Oh, yeah! Piece of cake.

[Cut to Janetta and Jean]

Jean: Don’t say nothing about cake to me today.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: Why, Janey girl?

Jean: I tried to get a cake today [Cut to Janetta and Jean] at Walmart. They wouldn’t write on it what I wanted on it.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: What you want on that cake?

Kaylee: Oh, yeah! Piece of cake.

[Cut to everybody]

Jean: A threat?

[A man walks by. The girls are checking him out.]

Kaylee: That’s Gerald from the guitar center.

Jean: He got some nerve, walking in here looking like sex on a stick on his tight jeans.

[Cut to Gerald drinking beer at the bar]

Janetta: You know what? I don’t are. [Cut to the ladies] I’m not bothered by him at all.

Crystal: Yeah, me neither.

[Cut to Gerald]

Gerald: Hey, ladies.

[Cut to the ladies. They are yelling at Gerald.]

[Cut to Gerald]

Gerald: Um, soak it in ladies. Take in all my sexy. It’s not my fault y’all fell in love with this. I would too.

[Cut to the ladies]

Crystal: No, don’t even try to smooth this over.

Gerald: Hey, I told you, [Cut to Gerald] monogamy wouldn’t work in my world.

[Cut to everybody]

Gerald: Girls, I’m sorry. But I want to give this piece of trash a whole mess of pain.

[Other ladies are hooting for her]

[Cut to Jean and Gerald]

You act like I said bad things, okay? I miss you. You smell so good, it’s like menthol cigarettes and bar lines. Which one of us do you like best? Please say me. [Jean punches Gerald] Well – Kaylee, your turn.

[Cut to everyone. Jean takes the seat and Kaylee walks to Gerald]

Kaylee: Okay, I hope you live through this.

[Other ladies hooting for her]

[Cut to Kaylee and Gerald]

Did you get my email? Where I gave you my work schedule with all my little lunch breaks? Because I was hoping we could squeeze out a little quicky during one of those times. Because I miss your beefy fingers.

[Kaylee hits Gerald with a bottle on his head]

But yeah, yeah, [Cut to everybody] I hope that this gives you a headache just for all the ones you gave me.

[Janetta walks to Gerald]

Janetta: All right. This is my turn. [Other ladies hooting for her]

[Cut to Janetta and Gerald]

Hey, act like I’m choking you. Remember when we walked out on the dock? And you said, “Look.” And I did. And it was the – and I laughed about it. And you kissed my laughing open mouth? Well, I want that back, man. You’re dead to me. [Janetta hits Gerald with a bullseye board] Crystal, finish him off.

[Cut to Crystal bringing up a guitar to hit Gerald]

Crystal: Yeah. Yeah! [Crystal hits Gerald with a guitar and breaks it] Oh. Hey. Hey. You remember what we talked about the night you left me? I changed to my mind, okay? I will give you a backstage pass. Now get lost and stay there.

[Cut to everybody]

Kaylee: We showed his ass ladies.

Crystal: That, we sure did.

Janetta: To sisterhood.

Jean: Well, I got to get out of here. I got a date with your son.

Kaylee: Okay, have fun. Tell him I folded his laundry.

[Ends with a video clip of Buddy’s State Line Bar]

Cut for Time Tampax Secrets

Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Chris Redd

Beck Bennett

[Starts with a scene in classroom]

[Bell ringing]

Teacher: Okay, everyone. Settle in. I just wanted to cover a few things before we get started.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Psst. Do you have a, you know, a tampon?

Aidy Bryant: Oh, heck yeah.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: No, not here. Someone will see.

Aidy Bryant: Relax, no one’s gonna know.

[Aidy gives Phoebe a piece of poop]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Is that a piece of dog poop?

Aidy Bryant: Open it.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: What do you mean open it?

Aidy Bryant: Just look inside.\

[Phoebe takes the poop and opens it]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: There’s a tampon in here.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah. But they won’t know. They’ll just see the poop.

[Cut to Tampax commercial video]

Narrator: Introducing Tampax secrets. The only tampon hidden inside other things you’d rather take out of your bag in public.

[Cut to classroom]

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey, do you have a, you know?

Aidy Bryant: Sure do.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Is that a dead mouse?

Aidy Bryant: I don’t know, open it.

Melissa Villaseñor: Okay. Wow, so discreet. Thanks girl.

Aidy Bryant: uh-huh.

[Cut to Tampax commercial video]

Narrator: Tampax secrets does all the hiding for you. With our wide variety of less embarrassing than a tampon designs. Like, brick of cocaine, baby doll, Tuna Melt From Subway, naked picture of your mom, respectfully folded confederate flag, truck nuts, handful of lose white dreads, extra strength activia, signed copy of mind comf, real bomb, human skull and a dead fish. [Cut to the classroom] So you can feel confident no matter who’s watching.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Well, out flow is here. [In loud voice] Better take this piece of dog poop to the bathroom.

[Cut to Chris Redd confused]

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Yes, queen.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Beck Bennett]

Chris Redd: She was so confident.

Beck Bennett: I like that.

[Cut to the ladies]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh, I had a regular tampon in my bag all along.

[Phoebe Waller-Bridge takes the tampon out. It is blurred in the video.]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Wait, why is this blurred?

Narrator: Tampax secrets, ask your boyfriend to buy them.

Cut for Time New Play

Kenan Thompson

Billy Bethwerk … Kyle Mooney

Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Cecily Strong

Jameson … Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of Evolve Rehearsal Studios]

Kenan Thompson: All right. [Cut to the rehearsal] Welcome everybody to the first day of rehearsal for a Shout Unscreamed. [Cut to Kenan and Billy] The wonderful new play by the brilliant and prolific Billy Bethwerk.

Billy Bethwerk: Thank you. This one is very personal to me . I dropped it several times. But the main character wouldn’t leave me alone. She kept talking to my head in my dreams until she forced her way on to the page. I’m excited to share her with the world now, as it were.

Kenan Thompson: Okay. Are you done?

Billy Bethwerk: Um, yeah. For now.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Cecily Strong, Jameson]

Jameson: It is such a great play man. Roles like this don’t come on and get off. I could cry right now but I’m going to save it for acting.

Cecily Strong: Yeah, it’s really– it really is exquisite writing. It’s just so full and rich.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Yes, I just want to dive right in. [Cut to Cecily Strong and Phoebe Waller-Bridge] Because I think the world is hungry for this kind of art and while it not be a meal that will go down easy, it is an important and crucial meal.

Cecily Strong: Like breakfast, or really any of the three main ones.

[Laughter]

[Cut to Kenan and Billy]

Kenan Thompson: All right. Well, let’s begin, shall we? And again, it’s our first rehearsal. [Cut to everybody standing up] So, let’s just get it on it’s feet and see how it feels. All right? Okay. Small suburban home in Nebraska, Emma Thirdy is at the sake. Her husband Tod, Thirdy’s white, and her sister Claire, Thirdy’s woman, watch from the doorway.

Jameson: Emma, please look at me. I know you’re mad at your sister but she’s here because she cares about you.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: [Speaking with strong accent] Oh please, think clear. [indistinct] after my baby’s mother and husband’s wife.

[Phoebe Waller-Bridge walks near Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent]Might I remind you your [indistinct] somebody had to keep carrying your baby.

Cecily Strong: [Speaking in strong accent]And you remind me that [indistinct] die.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent]You wet yourself, girl.

[Cut to Kenan very confused]

Kenan Thompson: Okay, that was so good. I just want to ask some questions.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Cecily Strong, Jameson]

Jameson: Yeah, all these characters are from same place, right?

Cecily Strong: Yeah, you know, actually I’m glad this came up and I hate doing this as a fellow actor but he’s not doing a Nebraskan accent. And it’s supposed to be Nebraska, right?

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Is there a reason you’re not doing it? You saving us or something? Because to me personally would really help if we all sounded the same.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Yes, everybody should sound the same. Like kind of closer to what Jameson is doing.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Cecily Strong, Jameson]

Jameson: Yeah, I’m actually from Nebraska.

Cecily Strong: Really? [Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong] That sounds strange in my ear, but if that’s what you want.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: We’ll just match what he’s doing.

Cecily Strong: Yes.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Great! All right. Claire pushes Tod aside and gets in Emma’s face.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Cecily Strong, Jameson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent] Emma, the one who call you [indistinct] murder, he was the judge. You even remember that day or you too high or meth?

Jameson: Hey, come on! The baby.

Cecily Strong: [Speaking in strong accent]Hey dirty, you bitch. [Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong] Emma, [indistinct] Claire scratches on the floor.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent]Are you crazy? She [indistinct] her.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, let’s stop.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: What? Because it’s getting quite intense?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Well, no, no. That’s not why. You were both starting to reach the stage directions.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Are you talking about the Italian in the brackets?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: The Italics? Yes. Yes. That’s what you don’t read.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: At all?

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Not even in our heads?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: In your head is fine I guess. You know what? I’m still having a tiny issue with the accents.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Whose?

Cecily Strong: His?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Your’s.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Oh my god. You know what? I’m realizing, I think what we’ve done is we’ve confused Nebraska with Alaska because Nebraska is down here and Alaska is up here.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh! We could also just do like standard mid-west. Like, anybody got an extra long cigarette? Typical mid-west girl, I’m always dying for a smoke.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: That sounded a little Australian.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh, no, no. That was mid-west.

[Cut to Billy and Kenan]

Billy Bethwerk: Oh my god, this is not going to work. Is this what they did in their audition?

Kenan Thompson: No. I did not make them audition ass. They are established actresses in the UK. British actors are having a moment right now and honestly they beige me. I think that we can salvage this.

Billy Bethwerk: How? We only have eight weeks.

[Cut to the show’s play board]

[Cut to the play]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent] We all would be bitter off if you had died [indistinct].

Cecily Strong: [Speaking in strong accent]There [indistinct] is finally [inaudible 00:04:33] .

[Jameson runs into the play]

Jameson: [Speaking in strong accent] What my dear? [indistinct] house on fire?

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent] [indistinct]

Love Island

Grace … Cecily Strong

Bella Rosa… Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Charlie … Alex Moffat

Siobhan … Chloe Fineman

Finlay … Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Mackenzie … Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Love Island intro]

Announcer: It’s Love Island, the UK reality station that America is obsessing over. It turns out they also have 100% pure grade trash just like us. Let’s meet the Islanders.

Grace: I’m Grace. I’m 22 in Liverpool. Yes. But if I were in the states, I’d be 41.

Bella Rosa: I’m Bella Rosa from Essex. My dad is a boxer and my mom is a pub. Just got my lips done. I asked the doctor for an allergic reaction.

Charlie: Hello, I’m Charlie. I’m from murder suicide, England. I’ve got two more years for my face to catch up to my liver.

Siobhan: I’m from part of Ireland where the soil is bones.

Finlay: Call me Finlay. I’m from Scotland but I’m also Italian. So, my father is basically the scariest guy you’ve seen in your life.

Chris: I’m just looking for a lady, like a cheap one, for the rest of my life.

Mackenzie: They call me Mackenzie. And I’m looking for the perfect guy, because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me.

Announcer: Watch the hottest people from the worst towns immediately couple up with someone based on nothing.

[Cut to Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: I would like to couple up with a guy who’s exactly my type on paper. He’s got tattoos. He’s got really great banter. He’s proper fit. But at the same time, I would go with anybody. So, you.

Chris: Hi.

Bella Rosa: Oh. You’ve got great hair.

Announcer: You’ve heard an English accent. You’ve heard an Irish accent. Now, hear all the little weirdies in between.

[Cut to Grace]

Grace: [In strong accent] He crackin’ on with her, and I’m like, I’m getting proper pied off.

[Cut to Finlay]

Finlay: [In strong accent] Aye, I’m straight scunnert with the jobbies.

Mackenzie: What?

Announcer: That’s right, they don’t even understand each other. Tune in as they face challenges like getting up from a beanbag. [Cut to Mackenzie struggling to get up from a beanbag]

You will watch 50 hours of this. You think you won’t, but you will.

[Cut to Grace]

Grace: I’m really looking forward to sleeping with all my new friends. And I might even get in the Wee cuddle.

[Cut to Mackenzie]

Mackenzie: It was awful to watch.

Announcer: You’ll invest in vulnerable moments like when the girls take their makeup off.

[Cut to Mackenzie and Sioban]

Sioban: You know, I put so much bronzer on I think I might be dong brownface. Is this a hate crime?

Mackenzie: That’s not bad, is it? Look really different without me make up on ‘cause of the contour.

[Cut to Sioban]

Sioban: She’s a really nice girl, but I think her face might be a thong.

Mackenzie: What?

Announcer: At any point someone may be forced to leave the villa and turn in their giant microphone.

[Cut to Finlay]

Finlay: This bird and I got great crack. She’s got a great personality. But mostly of all the girls here, she wore the smallest bikini. For a person I would like to couple up – Grace.

[Cut to Grace and Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: I knew it, I knew it. I knew it.

[Cut to Mackenzie]

Mackenzie: You’re my best friend in the world.

[Cut to Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: Hopping spit in my face. I’m absolutely gutted. [phone chimes] are you joking? 10 million instagram followers. I don’t have to be a stupid prediatric nurse anymore, do I? Cha-ching.

Announcer: Love Island now available on Hulu. We got this, and “The Handmaid’s Tale”.

Impeachment Cold Open – SNL

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

William Barr… Aidy Bryant

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump Jr… Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Kim-Jong Un… Bowen Yang

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Don King… Kenan Thompson

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Liev Schreiber

[Starts with a clip of White House]

[Cut to Donald Trump in his office speaking on the phone]

[Cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Get me Rudy Giuliani on the phone.

[Cut to split screen. Donald Trump is on left, Rudy Giuliani is on the ride side of the screen.]

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, hey Mr. Trump. What’s new?

Donald Trump: What do you mean what’s new, Rudy? I’m being impeached. It’s the greatest presidential harassment of all time I would know. I’m like the president of harassment.

Rudy Giuliani: You got to relax Mr. Trump. We’ve got nothing to worry about. Nobody’s going to find out about our illegal side dealings with the Ukraine.

Donald Trump: Good.

Rudy Giuliani: Or how we tried to cover up those side dealings.

Donald Trump: Great.

Rudy Giuliani: Or how we plan to cover up the cover up.

Donald Trump: Rudy. Rudy, where are you right now.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani. He’s in CNN live show.]

Rudy Giuliani: I’m on CNN right now. I’m going to put you on speaker.

[Cut to split screen of Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.]

Donald Trump: Rudy, get out of there and whatever you do stay off the phone. [Cut to Donald Trump] I got another call. Okay. Who is this?

[Cut to William Barr in his office]

William Barr: It’s Attorney General Barr.

[Cut to split screen. Donald Trump on left, William Barr on right.]

Donald Trump: Will, I’m really starting to worry.

William Barr: Well, stay calm. Mr. President. I know things look bad right now but I got our top guy on this.

Donald Trump: Good. Well let’s get him on the phone too.

[Cut to screen split into three. Donald Trump on left, William Barr in the middle and Rudy Giuliani on right.]

Rudy Giuliani: Hello.

Donald Trump: Dammit! Not Rudy!

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, hey Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Rudy, you’re not still on CNN, are you?

Rudy Giuliani: Of course not.

Donald Trump: Good.

Rudy Giuliani: I’m on the Joe Rogan party.

Donald Trump: Rudy, hang up the phone and get out of there. [Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and William Barr]. Will, you know I’m going to need somebody to take the blame for this.

William Barr: Yeah, but where are you going to find a sacrificial Patsy that don’t do anything you say, not it.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry, I’ve got the perfect stooge.

[Cut to Mike Pence.]

[Phone ringing]

Mike Pence: Hello.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Mike Pence.]

Donald Trump: Big Mike, how is church going? You’re still waiting on, what’s this face, to come back?

Mike Pence: You mean Jesus sir?

Donald Trump: Yes, that’s the guy. Listen, I’m just calling you about this whole Ukraine whistle blower thing. It’s looking pretty bad for you.

Mike Pence: For me? But you’re the one who broke the law.

Donald Trump: Hey, wait a minute. Don’t try to drag me into your mess. Hold on Mike, I’m getting a call from the boys. [Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump on left and Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. on the right.] Hello.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad. It’s your sons.

Eric Trump: And Eric.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad. I just can’t believe the lame stream media is focused on you and not on the corruption of Joe Biden’s son.

Donald Trump: I know. By the way did you take care of that thing in Russia for me.

Donald Trump Jr.: [Laughing] What thing in Russia?

Eric Trump: [Laughing] The treason!

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric!

[Call waiting beeps]

Donald Trump: Hang on boys I’m getting a very important call from the Chairman.

[Cut to screen into two with Donald Trump and Kim Chairman Kim-Jong Un.]

Chairman Kim.

Kim-Jong Un: What’s up?

Donald Trump: Thanks for getting back to me. I need some advice. How do you handle a whistle blower?

Kim-Jong Un: Oh that’s easy. You have a big ocean in your country.

Donald Trump: Yes.

Kim-Jong Un: Okay. Send whistle blower to the bottom of them.

Donald Trump: Oh, wow. I wish my country was as cool as your country. [Phone ringing] Hang on hang on I got to take this.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Kanye West.]

Kanye, how have you been my man?

Kanye West: A lot better bro, actually. Remember those pills I were supposed to take. Hah? It turns out I’m supposed to take them every day. Can you believe that?
Donald Trump: That’s good. That’s good.

Kanye West: But actually, the reason I’m calling you because I don’t think we can be fam no more, fam.

Donald Trump: What? Why not?

Don King: Give me that phone. [Don King walks into Kanye] Only in America.

Donald Trump: Don King. Oh, don’t tell me you dudes are partying without me. Is Rodman there? And Tyson too?

Don King: Yeah. We were just having an emergency meeting at the black market. And, we all decided that this whole impeachment thing is hurting our brand.

Donald Trump: Oh don’t bail on me now. I need my Urban’s. Kanye, just tell me who you want out of jail this time. ASAP Rocky again? Or how about that little girl Teriyaki 69?

Kanye West: Look fam, we gotta go say goodbye to douche bag.

Don King: Yeah, Terrence Howard is up on the roof with an umbrella trying to prove that gravity don’t exist. Only in America.

[Cut to Donald trump]

Donald Trump: Wait. This whistle blower is starting to ruin everything for me. [Phone ringing] Hello.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Jeanine Pirro.]

Jeanine Pirro: We’re tugged!

Donald Trump: Hey, Judge Jeanine. Things are not going so great. I’m really feeling down, I could really use a pep talk.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, Mr. President, you have come to the right place. Who’s my special beautiful boy?

Donald Trump: I am

Jeanine Pirro: Who makes every woman’s eyes pop out of her skull and go, “Oh God”?

Donald Trump: I do.

Jeanine Pirro: Damn right you do cause you’ve got dumbs like a truck, truck. And thighs like what, what?

Donald Trump: Thanks. I really needed that this whistle blower thing is just– it just won’t go away.

Jeanine Pirro: Well if you really want someone to go away, you know who to call.

Donald Trump: Right, that’s genius. [Cut to Donald Trump] I’ll call him right now.

[Cut to screen split into to with Donald Trump and Liev Schreiber.]

Liev Schreiber: Hello.

Donald Trump: Yes. Is this Ray Donovan?

Liev Schreiber: Excuse me?

Donald Trump: Ray Donovan the fixer. The guy who takes care of stuff. Wink wink.

Liev Schreiber: I told you Mr. President. Ray Donovan is a fictional character. I’m Liev Schreiber, the actor.

Donald Trump: Of course, right. I knew that. But if you can’t do it, can you connect me with John Wick?

Liev Schreiber: He’s fake. He’s fake too Mr. President.

Donald Trump: What about Liam Neeson?

Liev Schreiber: Oh, actually Liam might do it.

Donald Trump: Fine. That’s good. I’ll get him, problem solved. And live New York it’s Saturday Night.

Downton Abbey Trailer – SNL

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a man riding a motorcycle towards a castle.]

Mikey Day: Is this Downton Abbey?

Beck Bennett: Yes.

Mikey Day: A letter.

[Beck Bennett opens the letter and gets shocked]

Beck Bennett: Wow.

[Cut to Alex Moffat reading the letter]

Alex Moffat: The kind and queen are coming Downtown.

Cecily Strong: Here? But this is a castle.

Kate McKinnon: Well, we’ll never pull this off.

Narrator: The beloved television show is now a feature film. And it’s mostly cleaning.

Beck Bennett: We only have 80 servants. Butlers, underbutlers and valets. It’ll never get done in time.

Aidy Bryant: How long do we have?

Beck Bennett: A year and a half.

Narrator: Were the stakes in the show always this low? I guess they were.

Woman: Your hair is so modern.

Cecily Strong: Do you like it?

Woman: Yes. “Exciting for the people who like the show”, raves the “Boston Globe”.

Bowen Yang: Miss, we found mud.

Cecily Strong: Where?

Bowen Yang: At the bottom of the lake.

Alex Moffat: Good. That’s where mud goes.

Narrator: “I absolutely love this film”, say all moms.

Cecily Strong: I need your help.

Beck Bennett: No–

Cecily Strong: Hah?

Beck Bennett: Problem.

Narrator: “So soothing I was on the back of my seat”.

Aidy Bryant: We’ll serve bread. Long breads. Butter. Chicken meat. Slurpers. Nibbles. Little bad cakes. Twice murdered pigs. And of course Chicago style deep dish pizza.

Narrator: “Feels like watching the sun set on white people as a whole”.

Woman: I’m happy.

Cecily Strong: Blimey.

Beck Bennett: Blimey.

Alex Moffat: Your majesties. Welcome to Downton Abbey.

Narrator: This has been an ad for ‘The Joker’. It’s not perfect but at least stuff happens. In theatres now.

The View Pete Buttigieg | Season 44 Episode 21

Whoopie Goldberg… Leslie Jones

Abby Huntsman… Cecily Strong

Joe Behar… Kate McKinnon

Ana Navarro… Melissa Villaseñor

Meghan McCain… Aidy Bryant

Pete Buttigieg… Paul Rudd

Chasten Buttigieg… Beck Bennett

[Starts with The View intro]

Narrator: You’re watching The View. Can you believe they’re not mic’d?

[Cut to the set]

Whoopie Goldberg: Hello, hello. This is The View, the most high stakes brunch on television. [Cut to Whoopie] I’m Whoopie Goldberg. Later today we’ll be talking about dinosaurs, are they scary or they just silly? But up first is hot topics. [Cut to Whoopie and Abby] This week Alabama pass a near total ban on abortion. We’re about to pop off. We’ll start with Amy Huntsman.

Abby Huntsman: Thanks, Whoop, it’s Abby but I can change it. [Cut to Abby] They’re calling this the war on women. I don’t think women should fight. I think women should be best friends like us. Right, Joy?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe Behar: Yeah, sure, sweetie. Listen, I want to talk about the guys who passed this bill. Maybe they’re so concerned with what happens to a six-week-old fetus because they all look like one. Blobby Nothings with beady eyes and big foreheads. They’re like, oh, my god, it’s me. What do you want? Laugh, don’t, I get paid the same.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: This law is backwards. It is regressive. It is texting your ex, honey, you don’t want to do that. It’s backwards, it’s regressive. It is– Oh, no, I’m skipping.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Okay, can I talk now? Okay, I am the only daughter at this table. So, I have to say, these senators are actually very good and fun guys, so I am spending love to Clyde Chambliss, Shay Shelnutt and Garland Gujer. And those are all real names, okay? Please, please, guys, let me talk.

[Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: No one else is talking.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Okay. You see, and I’m getting attacked, and as the person most upset right now, I am right.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe Behar: We got a live wire. Anything’s going to set her off.

[Cut to everybody. Whoopie is making noise juggling her coins.]

What, what?

Whoopie Goldberg: Down, down, no, down!

[Cut to Whoopie]

Our guest today is one of the many democrats running for president. He’s also the youngest. Please give it up for Pete Buttigieg.

[Pete Buttigieg walks in to the set]

Pete Buttigieg: Hello.

Joe Behar: Hi. How are you?

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Well, I’m ready to work. See my exposed forearms?

[Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: Now, I hear when you grow up, you want to be president.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Well, I am grown up.

Everybody: Aww.

Pete Buttigieg: I may only be 37 years old but I do feel like I represent everyday Americans. I’m just a Harvard educated, Multilingual War Veteran Rhodes scholar. I’m just like you.

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Joe Behar: Oh my god! So young, so impressive. Can you fix my phone? I got like 8,000 unread emails.

Pete Buttigieg: Look, ladies, I’m here to talk about issues, like climate change. There you go, I fixed it.

Joe Behar: Okay. You’re my nephew. My nephew for president.

[Cut to Abby]

Abby Huntsman: Okay. And you have an unusual name. How do you pronounce that?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Pete.

[Cut to Abby]

Abby Huntsman: Oh, okay. I was thinking Pad Thai like the Japanese spaghetti.

[Cut to Whoopie, Abby, Joe and Pete]

Whoopie Goldberg: So you really think that you’re ready to be president?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Am I ready? [Speaking in Spanish]

[Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: And what was that last one?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: A language I made up to speak to Gnomes.

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Joe Behar: I got to ask because I’m sure it come up. You’re gay.

Pete Buttigieg: That’s not a question. But I do want to say that I wouldn’t be running for president if I didn’t believe America was ready to accept not only a gay man but a boring gay man in public eye.

[Cut to Pete, Ana and Meghan]

Ana Navarro: I think I saw your husband backstage. Bring him out.

Pete Buttigieg: Oh, no, I’m here to talk about my policies.

Ana Navarro and Meghan McCain: Husband, husband! Husband!

[Chasten enters the set]

Chasten Buttigieg: Hello, I’m Chasten Buttigieg.

Pete Buttigieg: He took the name Buttigieg. That’s commitment, right?

[Cut to Meghan laughing only after few seconds]

Meghan McCain: Ha-ha-ha, yes, be my friend or I’ll die.

[Cut to Joe, Pete and Chasten]

Chasten Buttigieg: Wow, this is all so new to me. Usually I’m just home with the dog.

Joe Behar: You’re gay and you have dogs? I’m sorry. I love that. I’m voting for you. Mayor Pete, we love you, we can never forget about Joe Biden. [Cut to everybody]

Ana Navarro: Take me to Delaware.

Whoopie Goldberg: We love him.

Joe Behar: My Prez.

Ana Navarro: Oh, Joe.

[Cut to Whoopie hugging her Joe Biden printed pillow]

[Song’s playing]

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven’s gate
There’s a freedom in your arms
[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Well, thank you both for being here. Joy, you need to let me talk.

Joe Behar: I have said nothing all day!

[Cut to everybody. Whoopie blowing blow horn.]

Joe Behar: What?

Whoopie Goldberg: Not today, Satan.

[Cut to Whoopie]

Coming up after the break, prison reform and Elon Musk teaches us to vape. This is The View.

[Ends with outro]

Don’t Stop Me Now | Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 21

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant… Sarah Sanders

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Clarence Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with a seal of President of the United States]

Announcer: And now, a message from the president of the United States.

[Cut to Donald Trump in his office]

Donald Trump: hank you. Thank you very much. I’m very excited about summer, getting around that those things I never have time for. Golf, visiting friends in prison and enjoying all the fantastic new tariffs with China. It’s been an incredible year for our economy. Our American economy is on fire. I’m going to tell you if it’s a fire that keeps you warm or burns your house to the ground. But it’s some kind of fire. So, I’m on cruise control to a second term and there’s nothing the democrats in congress can do about it. So sit back and enjoy the ride, America, because tonight, well,

[music playing]

Tonight, I’m going to have a real good time.

[Melania Trump joins and sits on the desk]

Melania Trump: He feels alive.

Donald Trump: And the world I’ll turn it inside out, yeah!

[Mike Pence joins and sits on the desk]

Mike Pence: And float around in ecstasy

Melania Trump and Mike Pence: So don’t stop him now

Everybody: Don’t stop him

cause he’s having a good time

having a good time

[Sarah Sanders joins and sits on the desk]

Sarah Sanders: He’s a loose cannon rippin’ up the laws of society

you can’t subpoena him

he’s gonna obstruct

Melania Trump: He’s a billionaire unless you take a look at his tax returns

He’s going to hide, hide, hide, oh there’s no showing you

Donald Trump: I’m burning every page

picking every fight

Melania Trump: That’s why they call him Mr. Bad Advice

cause he listen to the Fox News guys

Mike Pence: I want to make a super straight man out of you

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

we’re having such a good time

Donald Trump: I’m having a ball!

Sarah Sanders: Having a ball!

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

you wanna huge distraction

[Kanye West joins with his arms around Donald Trump’s shoulders]

Kanye West: Just give Yeezy a call man!

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

we’re having a good time

don’t stop us now

we’re having a good time

We don’t wanna stop at all.

[Clarence Thomas comes in]

Clarence Thomas: Yes, the supreme court ready for a fight on abortion

we got the votes now

women are screwed

[Clarence Thomas leaves]

Melania Trump: It was an issue you thought got resolved 50 years ago

but no, no, no

All men are still in control

Donald Trump: I’m searching bible guide now

Melania Trump: he’s throwing stones

and he lives in a big glass house

He cheated on every spouse

Mike Pence: I want to make a chik-fil-a man out of you

[Rudy Giuliani joins]

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: Wonderful wall.

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me, don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: Do you guys like tariffs?

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: Hundred bucks for a tomato?

Everybody: Don’t stop me, don’t stop me

Rudy Giuliani: I ain’t sweatin’ it

[Rudy Giuliani is playing a guitar solo]

Sarah Sanders: Oh he’s throwing out the lies, yeah

Donald Trump: One tweet at a time.

Melania Trump: And he’s got the best and brightest guys

that’s why most of them are serving time

Mike Pence: I want to make a crazy sexy man out of you

[music stops]

Melania Trump: Mike, no. What are you doing?

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, the queen music gets me all riled up.

[Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump join everybody]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey dad, why weren’t we invited to sing?

Eric Trump: Yeah.

Donald Trump: Son, and Eric. I’m sorry I forgot about you guys.

Eric Trump: Well, I want to sing the song too.

Donald Trump: All right, Eric, go ahead.

[music playing]

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Eric Trump: It’s time to play the music

it’s time to light the lights

It’s time to meet the muppets on the muppet show tonight

[music stops]

[Cut to everybody]

Donald Trump: All right. Let’s wrap this up. The NBA finals are coming up. I need to invite the three white players over for McDonald’s.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: Wait a second. [Cheers and applause] I have something very important to say to the American people. Something they need to hear. [Donald Trump interrupts]

Donald Trump: No collusion, no obstruction.

[music playing]

So, don’t stop me now

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: we’re having such a good time

Sarah Sanders: Just try and impeach

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

Sarah Sanders: We might even get rid of freedom of speech

Everybody: Don’t stop us now

we’re having a good time

don’t stop us

we’re having a good time

we don’t want to stop at all

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Guys, it’s been fun. I don’t know what’s next for me, but I wouldn’t be Donald Trump if I didn’t say tune in next season to see who lives and who dies.

[Rudy Giuliani interrupts] Spoiler, I live. I live for another 150 years. And the iron throne will be mine.

Donald Trump: Have a wonderful summer, America.

[Cut to Everybody]

Everybody: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.