episode 1 Archives - Page 7 of 10 - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Mr. Robot

Elliot… Pete Davidson

Leslie Jones

Margot Robbie

Mikey Day

[Starts with Mr. Robot intro]

Narrator: Now on USA, Mr. Robot, [Cut to clips from the movie] the award winning techno thrilling series about the paranoid mind of the world’s greatest hacker. He has already hacked the world economy. But now, he faces his greatest challenge yet.

[As Elliot is sitting down using his laptop in a cafe, Leslie approaches him]

Leslie: Hey, man. You know computers?

Elliot: Yeah. Who are you?

Leslie: Oh well, that hurts. Leslie Jones? SNL? You gotta help me find out who hacked my pics. Who got all my nasties!

Elliot: Um…

Narrator: The victim of the summer’s biggest hack turns the tables with the help of TV’s most notorious hacker.

[Cut to Elliot and Leslie in an gaming arcade]

Leslie: I got my laptop right here in my willy bag. You do know Windows 95, right? Cool. That’s the cord. Plug that bad boy in and let it warm up for an hour.

Narrator: It’s a puzzle unlike any he’s faced before.

[Elliot is on his computer and Leslie is playing games]

Leslie: Yo dude, how you doing over there?

Elliot: Still trying to get the lay of the land. So many delta are here. [The desktop has so many shortcut icons]

Narrator: It’s a job for the whole f. society team.

[Cut to Margot speaking to Elliot]

Margot: What the hell, Elliot? Who is she? This is not safe. Why are you helping her?

Leslie: Yo bitch! [Leslie walks in] I do not need this right now. For real.

Margot: Okay. Yea, sorry. Sorry.

Narrator: A dive into the broken mind of an unstable genius, and the hacker she hired to help.

[Cut to Elliot and Leslie]

Leslie: Come on, put my password in. P-A-S-S–

[Elliot puts the password by himself]

Hey, you got it, dude! It was Password. Damn, you is good, dude!
[Cut to Mikey who is Elliot’s conscience]

Mikey: But you could be great if you didn’t let your emotions get the best of you.

Leslie: [to Mikey] Oh, well hello there.

Elliot: You can see Mr. Robot?

Leslie: So, is there a Mrs. Robot.

Elliot: No, he’s a ghost. He’s dead.

Leslie: Pfft! I ain’t afraid of no ghost.

Narrator: With a startling conclusion you won’t believe.

[Elliot meets Leslie at the partk]

Elliot: Leslie, I found your hacker.

[Elliot passes an envelope to Leslie. Leslie opens the envelope and pulls out a photo.]

Leslie: Who is this bitch? Oh, that’s me!

Elliot: It seems you backed up your photos to your online website. I don’t know how you did it. It’s actually really hard to do.

Leslie: Well, I go a photoshoot with M-check magazine that I’m two days late for. So, thank you for this.

Elliot: [thinking] I should probably feel something right now but I dont’.

Leslie: Hold on man! Hold on, hold on man. [Leslie holds Elliot and pulls him to his left.] This just don’t feel balanced. Good god! Alright. Get some vitamins, man! Get some sleep. Y’all millennials don’t take care of yourself.

Narrator: Bi-ba-bu-bu-bi-bop. Mr. Robot

Melania Moments

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Melania moments video bumper]

Narrator: Melania moments, number 27, “The Passerby”.

[Cut to Melania Trump in her living room.]

Melania Trump approached a window in Trump Tower and gazed down on 5th Avenue. She saw a man walk just out of sight and wondered, “What happens to them? To… the people? Once they leave 5th Avenue? Where do they go? Do they disappear? Is there a 6th Avenue? Is there a 4th Avenue?” One day, I’d really like to know.

[The End]

Margot Robbie Monologue

Margot Robbie

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Margot Robbie.

[Margot Robbie walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Margot Robbie: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is so great to be here tonight hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. And it’s great to be here in America during this election. I mean this is how you guys really do it. [audience laughing] I mean it’s– It’s nuts! I mean like, everybody just lies. It’s crazy. Um, which is why tonight I am going to be Margot Robbie00% honest with you. And just in case I ever do lie, I will be fact checking my own monologue. But don’t worry, I never lie.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Margot Robbie is looking at the camera.]

I lie all the time. My name isn’t even Margot Robbie. It’s Margot Robert.

[Cut to main camera]

Now, some of you may know me from my movie ‘Suicide Squad’. [cheers and applause] Or, from my new indie film ‘The Millionaire’s Daughter’. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Margot Robbie is looking at the camera.]

It’s not a real movie. I just made it up to see if you guys could clap and you did.

[Cut to main camera]

But seriously, Suicide Squad was such a great movie to work on. Jared Leto stating character like the whole time which was so, so fun.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Margot Robbie is looking at the camera.]

Not fun, it was kind of uncomfortable.

[Cut to main camera]

Just, it was fun. And now I’m here hosting SNL. [cheers and applause]

Honestly, everyone has been so welcoming this week. Especially Lorne. On Monday he walked me through the whole week and told me he is huge fan of mine. That really meant a lot.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Margot Robbie is looking at the camera.]

I’ve never really met Lorne.

[Cut to main camera]

Lorne is the best. He is–

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, Margot.

Margot Robbie: Kenan, hi.

[cheers and applause]

Kenan Thompson: Wow. Season premiere. How cool is this? Man, I was so excited last night, I could not sleep.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Kenan Thompson is looking at the camera.]

This is my 14^th season. I slept like a baby.

[Cut to main camera]

[Kenan Thompson walks out and Leslie Jones walks in]

Leslie Jones: Ay! Ay!

[cheers and applause]

I’m sorry to interrupt. I just have to say I am such a huge fan of your’s. I love you Kate Upton.

Margot Robbie: Oh. Um, Leslie, I’m not– I’m not Kate Upton. I’m Margot Robbie.

Leslie Jones: Oh! Oh, for real? I’m sorry. I’m really embarrassed.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Leslie Jones is looking at the camera.]

I’m not embarrassed. I’ve done way worse. I called Kate McKinnon Kate Middleton for a year.

[Cut to main camera]

Well, Margot, here’s something I do know. You and I have the same birthday.

Margot Robbie: Oh, no way. July 2^nd?

Leslie Jones: Yeah.

Margot Robbie: 1990?

[Leslie Jones is angry]

Leslie Jones: Yeah!

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Leslie Jones looks at the camera and leaves without saying anything.]

[Cut to main camera]

[Cecily Strong walks in]

Cecily Strong: That’s my girl, Margot.

Margot Robbie: You guys. Cecily has been my best friend this week. She’s really shown me the fancy side of New York. Last night we even went to the ballet.

Cecily Strong: We did.

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Margot Robbie and Cecily Strong is looking at the camera.]

We didn’t. We went to a bar called ‘Dukies’ and got wasted.

Margot Robbie: I fell into a toilet.

Cecily Strong: And I rode a mechanical bull.

[Cecily Strong turns around to another Fact Check camera[

It wasn’t a bull. It was a guy named Beef.

[Cut to main camera]

[Cecily Strong leaves and Pete Davidson walks in]

Pete Davidson: Am, hey Margot. Hey.

[cheers and applause]

Hi. Well, my name’s Pete Davidson and um, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but people say I’m like, kind of the hottie of the cast.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Pete Davidson is looking at the camera.]

What? People say that.

[Cut to main camera]

[Pete Davidson leaves and Aidy Bryant walks in]

Aidy Bryant: Margot, hey. Oh, man! It has been so fun having you here this week. Honestly, I think you’re my favorite host of all time.

Margot Robbie: Aw, Aidy that is so sweet.

[Margot Robbie and Aidy Bryant hug]

[Cut to Fact Check camera. Aidy Bryant is looking at the camera hugging Margot Robbie.]

Aidy Bryant: Don’t worry Drake. You’re my baby forever. I love you.

[Cut to main camera]

Margot Robbie: Anyway, we have got a great season premiere for you tonight. The Weeknd is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Live Report

Beth Runyon… Cecily Strong

Jack Trask… Beck Bennett

Neil McNabb… Kenan Thompson

Alexandria… Margot Robbie

Mat… Mikey Day

Reed Dodden… Alex Moffat

Karen Hoffstedder… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Action 9 News at Five intro]

Announcer: Action 9 News at Five intro: Eye on Tampa.

[Cut to Beth Runyon and Jack Trask in their news set]

Beth Runyon: Good evening, I’m Beth Runyon.

Jack Trask: And I’m Jack Trask. Our top story tonight, panic in downtown Tampa as the 70 foot wide sinkhole opened up in the Westfield shopping center parking lot.

Beth Runyon: Action 9’s Neil McNabb is live on the scene. Neil.

[Cut to Neil McNabb at the scene]

Neil McNabb: Thank you Beth. Quite a chaotic scene here. Emergency crews are working hard to assess the damage. Fortunately, no one was seriously hurt. Including these two shoppers.

[Alexandria and Mat walk in. Alexandria is a beautiful lady and Mat looks like old fashioned geek.]

Um, can you tell us what happened?

Alexandria: Yeah. Sorry, I’m still shaking. Um, I was walking towards my car and all of a sudden it sort of just felt like the ground is melting.

Mat: Yeah. Cars fell in. It was crazy. I’m just very happy my wife and I are okay.

[Neil McNabb is looking at Mat being shocked]

Neil McNabb: This is your wife?

Mat: Um, yes.

Neil McNabb: So, you two are married to each other?

Alexandria: Yes, sir.

Neil McNabb: I’m just making sure I heard that right. Hah! Well, close call here today for this multi-millionaire and his lovely wife.

[Mat is confused]

Mat: Um, I’m not a millionaire.

Neil McNabb: Oh, I apologize. I assumed you were a very wealthy man.

Mat: Yeah, I wish. She’s kind of the breadwinner in our house.

Alexandria: Aw! We’re a team. And if I felt weird about being the main income earner, I wouldn’t have married a puppeteer.

Neil McNabb: [yelling in shock] He does puppets? [coming back to sense] I’m sorry. I’m sorry I yelled. It’s just a lot happening.

[Cut to Beth Runyon and Jack Trask]

Beth Runyon: Folks, if you can hear me through the monitor there, did you see how many vehicles fell into the sinkhole?

Jack Trask: And also, sir, I’m wondering if you have famous parents or something?

[Cut to Neil McNabb, Alexandria and Mat]

Mat: Sorry, it’s a little loud. Um, you asked how many cars fell in? I guess seven or eight.

Alexandria: Including our Kia Sportage.

Neil McNabb: You drive this smoke show around in a Kia Sportage?

Mat: I’m sorry. Are you mad at me, sir?

Neil McNabb: No, I’m just little overwhelmed by the scene here today. Still a lot of unanswered questions. I’m live in Downtown Tampa with, I’m sorry, what’s your name?

Mat: Matshatt.

Neil McNabb: Your name is Mat Shatt?

Mat: Yes, Shatt with two Ts.

Neil McNabb: Doesn’t make it any better. And you married this woman whose name is?

Alexandria: Alexandria Kennedy Shatt.

Neil McNabb: She’s a Kennedy and she put a Shatt on it. Back to you.

[Cut to Beth Runyon and Jack Trask]

Jack Trask: I think with the last name Shatt, you go with Matthew, right?

Beth Runyon: Yeah, I don’t know. Um, joining us now via webcam, [Cut to split screen with Beth Runyon and Reed Dodden] is caltech seismology professor, Reed Dodden who’s an expert on sinkholes. Professor, what causes something like this to happen?

Reed Dodden: Well, it varies. Um, most likely they were childhood friends who grew up together and that blossomed into a romance overtime.

Beth Runyon: Professor, I believe you’re referring to the couple that was just interviewed. I was asking about the sinkhole.

Reed Dodden: Oh, it’s pretty much always underground water.

[Cut to Beth Runyon and Jack Trask]

Beth Runyon: Okay. Neil, any sign of water damage down there?

[Cut to Neil McNabb, Alexandria and Mat]

Neil McNabb: Oh, absolutely. If you could just pan down a little bit, Rick?

[The camera shows the ground they are stepping on. Mat is wearing red Crocs slippers.]

You’ll see that there’s mud and– Oh my god!

[Neil McNabb is pointing at Mat’s Crocs]

Mat Shatt is wearing Crocs and socks. He’s married to the lord’s mistress and he’s wearing Crocs with socks. [yelling] Sending it back to you in the studio.

[Cut to Beth Runyon]

Beth Runyon: Okay, well, we’ll update you as the situation develops. We now turn to Karen Hoffstedder with sports. [Cut to split screen with Beth Runyon and Karen Hoffstedder] Big game this weekend.

Karen Hoffstedder: Yeah, the Bucks is playing the Broncos. Okay, I got two theories. [Cut to Karen Hoffstedder] One, this dude Mat is packing a tree trunk in his pants. Or two, he kidnapped her and she got Stockholm Syndrome.

[Cut to Neil McNabb, Alexandria and Mat]

Alexandria: I’m sorry. We can still hear you. And for the record, I’m with my husband because he is one of the strongest men I’ve ever met. Most men would be mad at the world if they were born with just testicles and no penis. Not my Mat Shatt.

Neil McNabb: [shaky voice] Neil McNabb reporting live from a world that no longer makes sense.

[Cut to Beth Runyon and Jack Trask]

Beth Runyon: Thank you, Neil. Quiet a situation in Downtown Tampa.

Jack Trask: Yeah. And there’s that sinkhole too.

Beth Runyon: Jack! We’ll be right back.

[Ends with Action 9 News at Five outro]

Celebrity Family Feud- Political Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Ivanka Trump… Margot Robbie

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

Sarah Silverman… Melissa Villaseñor

Lin-Manuel Miranda… Cecily Strong

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Announcer: It’s time to play Family Feud: Political Edition. And here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay now. Okay. Welcome to Family Feud: Political Edition. We back from a two week break. I was out getting my teeth enlarged. Okay, today we got a big old rivalry. We got team Hillary Clinton taking on team Donald Trump. And on the Trump side, we got Trump campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Thanks. Thank you. Thank you for having us on Jeopardy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Huh? This is Family Feud.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

peaker Kellyanne Conway: Yeah, okay. So this is Jeopardy and if you look at all the signs and you are Alex Trebek, but let’s talk about the real Jeopardy which is the situation Hillary Clinton put us in taking money from Saudi princes and everyone here on Wheel Fortune can see that.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: I’ve seen you on TV. You always look like the last 10 minutes of prom. Okay, next we got Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka trump.

[Cut to Ivanka Trump. Her hair is flipping.]

Ivanka Trump: What a pleasure it is to be here Steve. This is fun. I love fun. Everyday I schedule 20 minutes of fun.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you sexy. Yeah. I know that might sound inappropriate, but if your daddy can say it, so can I. Next up, we got governor Chris Christie.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Hey, jersey strong, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, why you still with Trump? Is he gonna appoint you to a cabinet position or something?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Um, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Oh!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Too easy. And finally on team Trump, oh my god, it’s Vladimir Putin.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Man! Are you and Trump actually friends?

Vladimir Putin: [Russian accent] Kind of. We are Facebook friends.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh! You creepy. Last week, I had a nightmare about you.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Ha-ha-ha. I know!

[gives Steve Harvey creepy look]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Let’s go to the Hillary Clinton side. First, we got my main man, Bill Clinton.

[Cut to Bill Clinton]

[Cheers and applause]

Bill Clinton: Hello Steve. I… love… the Feud.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay now, you sure you okay with Hillary being president instead of you?

[Cut to Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: I mean, I can’t wait. Believe you me, I freaking love the White House. I mean, you know, I can hangout there, you know, no presidential stuff to do. Red phone rings and I just say, “Hey, you take that one, honey! I’ll be downstairs watching… The Police Academy.”

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, next up, we got comedian and Hillary Clinton supporter, Sarah Silverman.

[Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Sarah Silverman: Oh my god! We might be electing the first woman president. I feel so much pride from my head to my vagina. [laughing]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you that nasty kind of adorable. And next, we got Hamilton creator and number one rapper on PBS, Lin-Manuel Miranda.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel Miranda]

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Steve, when you’re asking for words is, my mind starts going with the couple of verses, not versus as in the left and the right, it’s the right and the wrong that keeps me up at night.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Was there a beat that I didn’t hear? No? Okay! Finally, we got senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Hello. Hello. Hello, Steve. When does this actually start? The whole thing is hellos. My grandmother can knit a sweater in that time.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, you out here supporting Hillary?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Absolutely. Look, senator Clinton is the prune juice of this election. She might not seem that appetizing, but if you don’t take her now, you’re gonna be clogged with crap for a very long time.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Give me Kellyanne and give me Bernie. Let’s get up here and play the Feud.

[Kellyanne Conway and Bernie Sanders walks to Steve Harvey at the stage]

[Kellyanne Conway shakes hands with Bernie Sanders]

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you, senator.

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes. The shake. Of course. Very important, the shake. Yes, yes.

Steve Harvey: Okay. 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. Name a reason people give for being late.

[Kellyanne Conway hits the buzzer]

Kellyanne.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, let’s see if I do not have an answer even though I did buzz in, um, so I’ll do what I usually do which is talk and talk until people forget the question and then I’m gonna make an insane claim about Hillary. Hillary Clinton is North Korean.

Steve Harvey: Okay then. Show me ‘A bunch of lies’.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, not up there. Bernie Sanders, a reason people give for being late.

Bernie Sanders: You need a reason why I’m late? Look at me. Everywhere I go, it looks like I just finished chasing a bus.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me ‘Looking like a Jewish weirdo’.

[Right answer bell. The board shows ‘Missed the bus’.]

Hey! Number three answer. Okay, y’all wanna play or pass?

[Cut to team Hillary]

All: Let’s play.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Kellyanne Conway and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: You know what? We’ll get a pass.

Steve Harvey: But your team mates said they wanted to play.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Good for them. We’re gonna pass. It seems like a hassle.

Steve Harvey: Alright, let’s go to team Trump.

[Steve Harvey and Kellyanne Conway walk to team Trump]

Okay, Ivanka Trump, what’s the reason people give for being late?

Ivanka Trump: What an interesting and wonderful question, Steve. May I ask my brothers for help?

Steve Harvey: They not here.

[Cut to Ivanka Trump standing with a smile. Her brothers stand up. They were hiding behind her.]

Trump brothers: Yes, we are.

Steve Harvey: Oh! Who is this?

Donald Jr: I am Donald Jr., the brains.

Ivanka Trump: I’m Ivanka, the beauty.

Eric: And I’m Eric.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me ‘Children are the con’. [wrong answer buzzer] It’s not up there.

Trump brothers: Too bad.

[Kellyanne Conway and the Trump brothers slowly get down and hide.]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Chris Christie. A reason people give for being late.

Chris Christie: Well, I’m late because I have been working very hard on behalf of Mr. Donald Trump.

Steve Harvey: OH, you really like him. You said some horrible things about him in the primaries though.

Chris Christie: It’s water on to the bridge. [hits the table] Dang, Christie! Come on!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Steve Harvey: Let’s just go over to Vladamir Putin.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin. He is shirtless and is jacked.]

Yeah. Let’s not!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Okay, team Clinton, [Steve Harvey walks to team Clinton] it’s your chance to steal. Ivanka, what you doing over here?

[Ivanka is talking with Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: We’re just getting acquainted.

Ivanka Trump: He is very nice.

Bill Clinton: [to Ivanka Trump] Do you like what wings? Really good wings?

Steve Harvey: William! William Jefferson Clinton. Alright everybody, give me some answers. Come on. Reason why people are late.

Bill Clinton: That’s my business.

Sarah Silverman: I was so high.

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Love is love is love is love.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, good answers there. Bernie Sanders, final guess. A reason why you’re late.

Bernie Sanders: Maybe you’re late because people like Jill Stein call you in the middle of the night asking you for advice. That woman drives me nuts. For someone who cares about the environment, she sure doesn’t mind asking people to throw their votes away, hah? Hah? Pretty clever. You didn’t know I was so clever, did you? Hah?

Steve Harvey: You got a lot on your mind. Show me bothered by Jill Stein.

[right answer bell. The board shows ‘Bothered by Jill Stein’ as number one answer.]

Oh! Number one answer. Well, once again, Hillary getting that Hollywood money. We’re gonna go to commercial. [Cut to Steve Harvey] During this time, I stare at my shoes and I don’t talk to nobody. We’ll see ya’.

[The End]

Actress Round Table

Karen Domineau… Aidy Bryant

Marion Cotillard… Cecily Strong

Keira Knightley… Margot Robbie

Lupita Nyong’o… Sasheer Zamata

Debette Goldry… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with 2016 New York Film Festival: Women’s Round Table video bumper]

[Cut to five women sitting at a round table.]

Karen Domineau: Hello and welcome to the 2016 New York Film Festival Actress Round Table. Now, today our topic is women in Hollywood and Hollywood in women. Joining me are some of the industry’s leaders. To my left, Academy Award winner, Marion Cotillard.

Marion Cotillard: Bonjour, Thank you.

Karen Domineau: Star of the imitation game, Keira Knightley.

Keira Knightley: Thank you. Actually, so great to be here supporting my fiml.

Karen Domineau: And her film ‘Queen of Katwe’ is in theatres now, Ms. Lupita Nyong’o.

Lupita Nyong’o: Thank you for having me.

Karen Domineau: And we are thrilled to have with us today, a Hollywood legend whose career spans eight decades. She has worked with Humphrey Bogart, Cecil B. DeMille and Alfred Hitchcock to name a few, the great Debette Goldry.

Debette Goldry: It’s a pleasure to be aiive.

Karen Domineau: Well, let’s get started now. As women, what are some of the unique challenged you’ve faced in your film careers.

[Cut to Marion Cotillard and Keira Knightley]

Keira Knightley: Well, the roles just aren’t there. I mean, everyone wants to cast you as the girlfriend, mother, beautiful girlfriend, beautiful mother.

[Cut to Lupita Nyong’o and 5]

Lupita Nyong’o: Exactly. Everyone asks, “What are you wearing?” But nobody asks, “What are you thinking?”

Debette Goldry: Yeah. Everyone who gives you drugs to wake you up, drugs to sleep.

[Cut to everybody]

Karen Domineau: I’m sorry. What?

[Cut to 5]

Debette Goldry: Well, um, back at MGM they’d give me opioid injections in my toes to keep my quiet between takes. And then, they have a little man run over to give me a shot of enfilmin to say my line. “Stop hitting me with that shovel, Clark Gable.” You know. And then, what? More opiuim. You girls tell me what it is.

[Cut to Keira Knightley]

Keira Knightley: No, we don’t. Is that it? The thing that happened?

[Cut to 5]

Debette Goldry: Well, sweetheart, with opium, you never really know, do you?

[Cut to Karen Domineau]

Karen Domineau: Um, Debette brings up a good point. Though, have there been moments where you’ve felt you’ve been treated differently because you are a woman?

[Cut to Lupita Nyong’o and 5]

Lupita Nyong’o: Oh, of course. I’ve had so many meetings where the men hit on me. It’s so disgraceful.

Debette Goldry: Ah! I gotta agree with little Peter No-no over here. I once had an audition where the producer said, “Have sex with me and you’ll get the part.”

Lupita Nyong’o: Oh my god! What did you do?

Debette Goldry: I had sex with him and he gave me the part. It was a fair trade.

[Cut to everybody]

Karen Domineau: Okay, um, let’s pivot a little. Right? Women in this industry are often not paid as much as the men. So, how have you managed to advocate for yourself financially?

[Cut to Keira Knightley]

Keira Knightley: I’m so glad you brought this up because yeah, I’m able to get 5 million now, but before I–

[Cut to 5]

Debette Goldry: [interrupting] $5 million! Wow! Wow! No, then they used to pay me in broaches. They had it in my contract that I had to entertain our troops for free. And I went and I got over there, I found out it was for the other side. Long story short, I ended up flapping my toots for a bunch of crowds. But that’s Hollywood baby!

[Cut to Keira Knightley]

Keira Knightley: Wait, you, um, you stripped for Nazis?

[Cut to 5]

Debette Goldry: I did what I had to do to support our boys.

[Cut to everybody]

Marion Cotillard: I’m sorry, I would like to say something.

Karen Domineau: Okay. Thank god.

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: It will pay for the actresses is part of the solution, but the main thing we need is more women writing the parts.

[Cut to 5]

Debette Goldry: Women writers? You’d have to teach them how to read. They actually tried to teach me how to read once by putting peanut butter in my mouth, and then they remembered that’s how you make it look like a horse is talking. So they gave the part to a horse.

[Cut to 5 and Karen Domineau]

Karen Domineau: I don’t even know where to begin responding to that.

Debette Goldry: [looking at Lupita Nyong’o] Well, to answer your question little Peter, I did wind up pregnant.

Karen Domineau: Okay, she didn’t ask that, neither did I.

Debette Goldry: And to cover it up, they force me to marry a chimp. I said to them, I don’t want that thing pumping around on top of me but turns out, okay, the chimp was homosexual. So, we lived a very peaceful life together. Best friends. But then, the little baboon ran off with my broaches. Man!

Karen Domineau: Okay! That’s all the time we have.

Debette Goldry: Wait, I know what that means. Alright, your crowds get to kick while they can.

[5 slowly opens her jacket.]

[The End]

Weekend Update Pope Francis on his visit to the US

Colin Jost

Pope Francis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Pope Francis came to the United States last week visiting Washington DC, Philadelphia and our very own, New York city. Here to tell us about his trip is Pope Francis.

[Pope Francis slides in]

Pope Francis: [in Argentinian accent] What up, Jost? Give me that! Give me that! [does fist bump with Colin Jost] What a big set. Respect.

Michael Che: What’s up, bro?

Pope Francis: [patting his chest] Respect!

Colin Jost: So, Pope Francis, how was your stay in the United States?

Pope Francis: My trip was dope. DC was a little boring. [Cut to Pope Francis] Philly had some cuties, but New York was the best and tightest place to be. First thing though, I had to give a mass at the St. Patrick’s cathedral which to me was like a major snooze. But then I played in the Madison Square Garden and I crushed it. Then I went at the party with my disciples. Shout out to Jon Paul, Jio Sappi, Christiano, Leonardo and homie [pats his chest] Dwayne Wayne!

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah. What did you guys get into?

Pope Francis: Yo! The real fun started aftermath. [Cut to Pope Francis] We went to Brooklyn and hit up the shuffle board place and had some free pizza. A Hawaiian pizza. That’s a pizza with pineapple and ham.

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright, yes. That sounds pretty chill.

Pope Francis: Oh, it was so chill. It was on a house-boat

[Colin Jost didn’t understand]

[Cut to Pope Francis]

After that we went to a namless chapel on the lower east side with a bartender who only speaks in backwards. And check it, the password was, “Emojis”. You had to figure out the way to express them with your face. Like this. [Pope Francis making emoji faces]

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Very cool. Yeah! And what was it like when you got inside?

Pope Francis: The cast of girls minus Lina was much in awesome artisan and all sugar carers. [Colin Jost didn’t understand a thing] So scrubs. [Cut to Pope Francis] One thing led to another. I wrote this 90 song like Karaoke Garage, you had to do the confession. Mose death is there. And we start belting out. [singing] Closing time.

[Cut to Pope Francis and Colin Jost]

[Colin Jost didn’t understand anything]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You were with Mose death?

Pope Francis: Shh! You wouldn’t get it. And, I’m always look at the party. Ay! Hit me up in your prayers!

Colin Jost: Pope Francis, everyone!

Pope Francis: Many god blesses to you!

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on politics

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New poll show that while Donald Trump has maintained his lead in the republican primary, in the head to head match up, Hillary Clinton beats Trump among younger voters by a whopping 20%. With more on this is SNL’s resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: First of all, I really I should let you know that actually, I don’t know much about politics.

Michael Che: [sarcastically] No! Really?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I know it’s shocking. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I mean I watch elections the way my girlfriend watches football. I’m like, “Who’s that guy in the suit? Do we want him to win? We want him to win? Okay! Who is Syria?” Anyway, politics gives me anxiety. Like, I tried. I tried to watch it and I’ll turn on the news, and then they’re like, “The senate–“. No, I can’t. We have a senate now? That’s crazy!

Look, I don’t know the difference between the democrat and republican. I just know I’m supposed to be a democrat or my friends will get mad at me. And when I’m around my grandpa, I have to say I’m a republican or he’ll get all excited. And Che, if he asks, we’re not friends.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che. Michael Che is shaking his head.]

He loves you though, Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh! [giving thumb’s up]

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Michael Che. Michael Che shaking his head.]

Pete Davidson: Big fan of Jost. I’m like most people. When Trump announced he was running [Cut to Pete Davidson] I thought it was funny. But that was 4 months ago. And he’s winning. You know, it’s not funny anymore. You know, I think America needs to stop doing things coz it’s funny. You know? That’s what makes me so mad about Trump. It’s like, coz now that he’s winning, now I actually have to go out and vote. You know? Like, that’s the one good thing about Trump running. Trump presidency is so terrifying, it actually scares people of my age into paying attention to politics. You know who Donald Trump reminds me of? Sanjaya from Amrican Idol.

[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]

Remember Sanjaya? He had weird hair and he sang like garbage? [Cut to Pete Davidson] Yeah! We were actually like, friends three years ago, but that’s another Update. So, how it started, I thought it would be funny to get people to vote for him. You know, coz he sucked. Like, to keep him in the competition, coz it was like, funny. And the first few times, it was funny. It would be like, “Sanjaya, you are safe.” And you’d be like, “[laughing] That’s not supposed to happen!” But then, one by one, like everybody’s favorite started getting eliminated and it really wasn’t that funny anymore. And then it got down to the final four and everybody was like, “What the hell is Sanjaya doing up there? Now we have to go vote!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]

Michael Che: Well, you know, Pete. You got through that whole Update without referencing weed or making a penis joke.

Pete Davidson: Oh, I’m not done yet.

Michael Che: No, I think you are. Pete Davidson, everybody!

Pete Davidson: [yelling] Weed! Penis! Weed! Penis!

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on texting in relationship

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that using smartphones and texting can really put a strain on relationships. Here with her take is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Whoo! Ha-ha! Yeah! Thanks for having me, Colin.

Colin Jost: It’s great to see you. Now, you were filming the new Ghostbusters movie all summer, right?

Leslie Jones: Yes! I was. I was. But I wish I was Jost-busting! I ain’t afraid of no Jost!

Colin Jost: Leslie, now… [laughing] What do you think about texting in relationships?

Leslie Jones: Man! It’s tough, Colin. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I was at a party and this fine looking man comes up to me. And he starts talking to me, starts flirting with me, starts singing ‘Strangers in the night’ to me like a full psycho. So, you know I was feeling that. So, I gave my number. No big deal. Then, not only did he text me at 2:40 in the morning, he double text me.