NFL intros

Jim Nantz… Beck Bennett

Phil Simms… Taran Killam

Derrick Watkins, Terrence White, Devin Peters, Kendrick Douglas… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Jeffries, Bart Doleman… Bobby Moynihan

Terry Pope, Lavar Washington, Jacob Reynolds, Abaskuul Sulemon… Jay Pharoah

Victor Naples, Jeffrey Wilkins, Donald Washburn, Barry Jenkins… Chris Pratt

Calvin Williams, Greg Watkins… Kyle Mooney

Marvin Ingram… Michael Che

Willie Sampson, Wendell Jones… Pete Davidson

Tim Stevens… Colin Jost

Mrs. Kendrick Douglas… Leslie Jones

[Starts with NFL intro] [Cut to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms. They are the show reporters.]

Jim Nantz: Hello and welcome to the NFL on CBS. I’m Jim Nantz and with me in the booth is Phil Simms.

Phil Simms: Great to be here, Jim.

Jim Nantz: Obviously, NFL is under tremendous scrutiny right now, with the series of embarrassing scandals over the past few weeks.

Phil Simms: But they’re trying their best to move forward and start taking responsibility for their actions.

Jim Nantz: Accountability. That’s what the NFL is all about. And I think you’ll see that reflected in today’s player introductions. First, let’s meet Baltimore Raven’s offense.

[Cut to Derrick Watkins]

Derrick Watkins: Derrick Watkins. Assault!

[Cut to Kyle Jeffries]

Kyle Jeffries: Kyle Jeffries. Man slaughter!

[Cut to Terry Pope.]

Terry Pope: Terry Pope. Abort an assault rifle to a barbecue.

[Cut to Victor Naples]

Victor Naples: Victor Naples. Whole bunch of stuff.

[Cut to Calvin Williams]

Calvin Williams: Calvin Williams. Lootering with an intent to murder.

[Cut to Marvin Ingram]

Marvin Ingram: Marvin Ingram. I was accused of sexual assault at the Ohio State University.

[Cut to Willie Sampson]

Willie Sampson: Willie Sampson. Treason.

[Cut to Jeffrey Wilkins]

Jeffrey Wilkins: Jeffrey Wilkins. Involuntary prostitution.

[Cut to Terrence White]

Terrence White: Terrence White. I od’ed on penis pills.

[Cut to Lavar Washington]

Lavar Washington: Lavar Washington. I punched a mailman. That’s federal, baby.

[Cut to Tim Stevens]

Tim Stevens: And I am the punter. Tax fraud.

[Cut back to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms]

Jim Nantz: Wow, certainly a different line than we used to see.

Phil Simms: Well, there have been a lot of suspensions, so the team looks significantly different than they did last week.

Jim Nantz: The players look less athletic.

Phil Simms: I notice that as well.

Jim Nantz: Now, will the players be discussing the punishments they receive for their offences?

Phil Simms: [speaking secretly] Well, no, there weren’t any. So were not.

Jim Nantz: Now, let’s meet the visiting Carolina Panther’s defense.

[Cut to Jacob Reynolds]

Jacob Reynolds: Jacob Reynolds. Burned down a strip club.

[Cut to Donald Washburn]

Donald Washburn: Donald Washburn. American taliban.

[cut to Wendell Jones]

Wendell Jones: Wendell Jones. I love cocaine.

[Cut to Devin Peters]

Devin Peters: Devin Peters. Stanford.

[Cut to Bart Doleman]

Bart Doleman: Bart Doleman. I haven’t done nothing yet, but I’m gonna.

[cut to Barry Jenkins]

Barry Jenkins: Barry Jenkins. I did some weird stuff on a cruise ship.

[Cut to Greg Watkins]

Greg Watkins: Greg Watkins. I was in that cruise too. It was pretty fun.

[Cut to Abaskuul Sulemon]

Abaskuul Sulemon: Abaskuul Sulemon. Somali pirate.

[Cut to Kendrick Douglas]

Kendrick Douglas: Kendrick Douglas. I hit my wife.

[Cut to Mrs. Kendrick Douglas]

Mrs. Kendrick Douglas: And I’m his wife. I hit his ass back.

[Cut to Melvin McDonald]

Melvin McDonald: Melvin McDonald. I sent a picture of my ding dong to Michelle Obama. Go Panthers.

[Cut back to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms]

Jim Nantz: Well, as you can see it’s a whole new era for the National Football League.

Phil Simms: So, let’s get you straight to the field for kick off. We’ll see you back here for the half time show featuring Chris Brown. And a very special tribute to Pacman Jones.

Jim Nantz: Yes, it’s the NFL on CBS.

[Ends with an outro]

Monologue Chris Pratt Sings About Himself

Chris Pratt

Anna Faris

[Starts SNL monologue intro] [The band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Pratt.

[Chris Pratt walks in and to the stage.] [cheers and applause] Chris Pratt: Wow! Woo-hoo! Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. I am so pumped to be here hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. Ah! This is SNL’s 40th anniversary. I have always felt such a connection to this show. A lot of that is because when I dropped out of college and moved to Hawaii, I literally lived in a van down by the river. Yeah. Oh! This summer, I was in this great movie called Guardians of the Galaxy [cheers and applause] for which I lost 60 pounds. I found this great diet. It’s called the, “Hey fat ass, get into shape so you can be in my movie” diet. [audience laughing] It actually really works. I recommend it.

Anyways, [laughing] you know, I was so excited to be here tonight. [Chris Pratt gets a guitar] I actually wrote a song. [cheers and applause] Yes, thank you. I know that I’m not half the singer that Ariana Grande is but I am technically three times her body weight. So, the math works out. Again, like I said, I didn’t go to college. Here’s a little song I wrote about me.

[playing guitar]

Good lord, I’m hosting SNL
and so far it’s going pretty well
I’ve only sang two sentences
so it’s probably too soon to tell
In four years, I had lot of shows
and I joined a lit of some amazing hosts
some of them did not do well
hopefully I’m not one of those
home’s where the heart is and mine’s right here
it belongs to the hottie in the audience there

[Cut to Anna Faris in the audience getting shy]

Her name’s Anna Faris, she’s hosted twice
we had sex and a baby popped out

[audience laughing]

It’s true. Do you remember that?

[Cut to Anna Faris]

Anna Faris: [speaking in moaning voice] Oh, yeah!

[Cut to Chris Pratt]

Chris Pratt: It was really sexy birth.

I’ve gone from skinny to fat back to skinny back to fat
probably gonna die if I don’t stop that
but all my tombstones are gonna read Chris Pratt
he hosted SNL
it’s been a damn good year, it’s a damn good show
have I slept in 40 hours, the answer’s no
buckle up, you better hold on tight,
It’s live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[cheers and applause]

We got a great show for you. Ariana Grande is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Kissing Video Game Characters

Taran Killam

Bret… Bobby Moynihan

Video game girl… Venessa Bayer

Video game boy… Chris Pratt

Sasheer Zamata

Ben… Pete Davidson

Puzzle Wizard… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with some people in the office. They are testing a game.]

Taran: Alright guys, I would say thank you for your time but we’re playing you to play video games. So, maybe you should be thanking me.

Bret: Yeah, my mom said we would get 25 bucks.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: That is correct. Up to $25 in food vouchers. Now, your input is going to help make Puzzle World six the best game possible. So, all we want is your honest first impression, alright? So, Bret, why don’t you start off.

[They start testing the game.] [Cut to the game. A man and a woman walk in.]

Video game girl: We need your help. The puzzle wizard put a spell on our world.

Video game boy: If you don’t help us solve these puzzles, he’ll destroy all the beloved happiness.

Video game girl: To clear each stage, use the pieces to complete the shape.

Video game boy: We’ll be right here cheering you on.

Video game girl: Ready?

Video game girl and Video game boy: Go for it!

[The puzzle gets solved]

Video game girl: Way to go.

Video game girl and Video game boy: You did it!

[Video game girl and Video game boy start kissing] [Cut to the testers staring at the game] [Cut to Video game girl and Video game boy. They start feeling each other’s bodies.]

Video game girl: I feel so safe in your arm.

Video game boy: You are.

[Video game girl jumps off]

Video game girl: Press A for the next puzzle.

[Cut to the testers.]

Taran: That was great. Does anybody have any feedback on that?

[All testers raise their hands.]

Oh, wow. Alright. Bret, go ahead.

[Cut to Bret]

Bret: Okay, those two people just gently kissed for a long time.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yeah, that doesn’t seem like it goes with this kind of game.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Um, well they’re celebrating your puzzle solving skills. Remember, you’re helping them restore love to their kingdom.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: But I felt like I saw too much, kind of like, hot tension.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Uh-huh. Well, guys, this is Puzzle World six. Okay? So, we gotta step up the story telling as well as the game play.

[Cut to Bret]

Bret: Okay, well, the game play was like, stupid easy.

[Cut to everybody. Taran is jotting down the point.]

Taran: Stupid easy. Alright, that helps. Great! Why don’t you do the next one?

[Cut to Sasheer. She holds the joystick.] [Cut to the game.]

Video game girl: Stage two. Complete this shape.

Video game boy: The faster you do it, the more points you get.

Video game girl: Ready?

Video game girl and Video game boy: Go for it!

[The puzzle gets solved]

Video game girl: Way to go.

Video game girl and Video game boy: You did it!

[Video game girl and Video game boy start kissing again. Video game girl starts unbuttoning Video game boy’s shirt.]

Video game boy: No. Please.

Video game girl: What?

Video game boy: I was in a terrible accident. [Video game girl sees a burn in Video game boy’s shoulder] I was in an explosion. I am hideous.

Video game girl: Shh! Shh! You’re beautiful. [Video game girl starts kissing Video game boy’s burn] [Video game girl and Video game boy look forward]

Video game girl: Great job!

Video game boy: You got serious puzzle power.

[Cut to the testers]

Sasheer: How many levels are in this game?

Taran: Uh, fifty-five. So, we better get going. Ben, jump in here.

[Cut to Ben. He holds the joystick.]

Ben: Oh, man!

[Cut to the game]

Video game girl: Stage three. Go.

[Video game girl starts talking to Video game boy]

You have to leave.

Video game boy: What? Why?

Video game girl: You know why. I am married.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Ah! Their relationship drama is blocking the puzzle. I can’t play. I can’t play the game.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Shh! [He is eating popcorn while watching the game.] [Cut to the testers]

Bret: Ah! Okay! Okay! Enough! Enough! Quit the game. Quit the game.

[Cut to Video game girl and Video game boy]

Video game girl and Video game boy: Oh, no! Game over.

[Puzzle Wizard walks in]

Puzzle Wizard: Evil wins, fools! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to the testers]

Taran: Um, excuse me Bret. We still have like Video game girl more hours of testing. That’s gonna go pretty slow if you keep quitting the game.

Bret: I don’t care. You can keep the $25. I just can’t take anymore of that.

Taran: What?

[Cut to Video game boy and Puzzle Wizard holding Video game girl together.]

CNN State of the Union NFL in Crisis

Candy Crowley… Aidy Bryant

Roger Goodwell… Chris Pratt

Ray Lewis… Kenan Thompson

Shannon Sharpe… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with State of the Union intro]

Candy Crowley: Welcome to the State of the Union. I’m Candy Crowley. Tonight the NFL in crisis. Recent incidents of abuse from Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson have taken a toll on the league. Now, I’ll confess. I don’t know a lot about football. My Sundays are reserved for candy time. I read Nora Roberts novels while I crack team of Korean ladies rehabilitate my feet. But even I know that this league is in trouble. Earlier today, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell tried to take control of things with yet another press conference. Take a look.

[Cut to Roger Goodwell in press conference.]

Roger Goodwell: Now, this has been a tough couple of weeks. but in times of trouble you learn who your friends are. So, I want to thank all the people who stood by me. Red Skin’s owner, Dan Snyder. Michael Vick. And Saint’s coach Sean Payton for not holding me to the same standard that I held him. I appreciate it.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Woof! Joining me now are two NFL veterans former Ravens line backer, Ray Lewis.

[Cut to Ray Lewis]

Ray Lewis: Let’s talk about this, Candy.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: And Hall of famer, Shannon Sharpe.

[Cut to Shannon Sharpe]

Shannon Sharpe: Thank you Candy. It is just absolutely a pleasure to be here. It is.

[Cut to Candy Crowley, Ray Lewis and Shannon Sharpe]

Candy Crowley: Alright, first let’s talk about Adrian Peterson who is under investigation for child abuse. [Cut to Candy Crowley] Ray Lewis, you’re a parent. Have you felt you went too far in disciplining your own child?

[Cut to Ray Lewis]

Ray Lewis: Well, Candy, Children need education. And one way for them to receive that is by going to school. You wake up, you feed the child, get the child dressed, send them off.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Okay, yes. But I’m asking about you. Have you ever used corporal punishment on a child?

[Cut to Ray Lewis]

Ray Lewis: A child has a book bag, lunch box, brand new clothes, and I provide those things. So, when you’re talking about teaching somebody something, that’s where we’re paying attention to.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Yes, but what I’m asking is what about you? Have you ever had, say, a legal problem that might have disrupted your team?

[cut to Ray Lewis]

Ray Lewis: I know what you’re getting at. And let me be perfectly clear. School buses are yellow. Sometimes, orange, depends. The bus pulls up, child gets on, child gets off to school.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Okay, Shannon Sharpe, is this a common problem in the NFL? Have you ever had legal troubles with yourself with a spouse or a child?

[Cut to Shannon Sharpe]

Shannon Sharpe: Candy, let me just tell you something. Okay, I have never had any legal trouble of my own, dating all the way back to Roger Goodwell0Candy Crowley0, well I did have some legal troubles. So, yes, yes. Hmm, hmm.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Mr. Sharpe, why is this such an ongoing problem?

[Cut to Shannon Sharpe]

Shannon Sharpe: Well, well, um-hmm, I believe that– Candy, players in NFL are trained to be aggressive. Okay, when you get off that field, you’re full of adrenaline, testosterone, painkillers and butt like line. Okay? The NFL needs to calm these players down. You know, maybe have some herbal tea. You know the possibility go to infinity, Candy. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Alright, let’s look at another clip from Roger Goodwell who I think announced more steps the NFL is taking on domestic abuse.

[Cut to Roger Goodwell]

Roger Goodwell: We want to be part of the solution. So, the NFL is organizing it’s own “Take back the night!” march on October 8th. What this says is we fight women. Oh! Excuse, me. We fight FOR women. We fight for different women? No? Oh! Yeah, of course not. I’m so sorry.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Whatever Goodwell is saying, he’s certainly firm about it. Ray Lewis, I’ve just been told that you did have some legal trouble when you were arrested in Roger Goodwell000. Is this a systemic problem?

[Cut to Ray Lewis]

Ray Lewis: School bus pulls up, child goes inside.

[Cut to Ray Lewis and Shannon Sharpe]

Shannon Sharpe: Candy, Candy! Can I cut, I’m asking something.

[cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Um, yes. I’m sorry. Mr. Sharpe, did your bow-tie just get bigger?

[Cut to Shannon Sharpe]

Shannon Sharpe: Okay, Candy, this is a wide issue, okay? And NFL can’t possibly solve it. So, I’m looking forward to all this being solved by the NFL very soon. Yes, I am. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Alright, let’s take a break to sort this out, but first, Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Cialis Turnt

Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Taran opening mirror cabinet and looking for medicine.

Male voice: You’ve dealt with your erectile dysfunction.

[Cut to Taran getting in the room]

Taran: Hi, I’m ready.

[Cut to Cecily Strong in bed]

Cecily Strong: That’s okay. Not tonight.

Male voice: But something’s still missing.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: What’s wrong?

[cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: You’re able to achieve an erection and that’s great. But I need more than that. I need you to get turned.

[drums rolling]

Male voice: Introducing new Cialis Turnt. The only pill that combats your erectile dysfunction [Taran takes the pill] while giving you that unbeatable hip-hop sensation of getting turned.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: I’m about to love you like there’s a roller coaster in my penis.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: What?

[Cut to Taran jumping and dancing to a trap music.] [song is saying “Everybody get turnt!”]

Male voice: And Cialis Turnt is isn’t just for me.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: When I started taking anti depressants, I lost my sex drive. But that’s when I found Turnt. And now, I freak my man crisis.

[Aidy Bryant takes the pill] [Aidy Bryant is jumping and dancing to the same music]

Male voice: Ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough for sexual activity. [Cut to Taran dancing in a club] Then ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough to get Turnt because that’s a whole another thing. If you’re turnt for more than 6 hours, congratulations, you’re not legally Lil’ Wayne. Cialis Turnt, there’s a lot of ecstasy in this.