Tag: episode 12

Kellyanne Conway

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with The Lead with Jake Tapper intro]

[Cut to Jake Tapper in his news set]

Jake Tapper: Welcome back to The Lead. We’re speaking with Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump’s campaign manager turned white house counselor.

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you, Jake.

Jake Tapper: President Trump said his first foreign trip may be to meet with Vladimir Putin. Isn’t that troubling?

Kellyanne Conway: Actually, no, it’s not. And the thing to remember about Russia is that we won and I don’t know why you keep bringing up the election.

Jake Tapper: I’m not. I’m talking about Russia. Doesn’t Trump’s relationship with Putin concern you?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Actually what does concern me is that she didn’t go to Michigan and she lost and we won and we did win.

Jake Tapper: Oh my god, why do you do this?

Kellyanne Conway: Do what, Jake?

Jake Tapper: Com on here every single day and do this. What do you get out of this?

Kellyanne Conway: I love Trump. And I believe in Trump. And the reason I joined his campaign is because I thought he was going to be the president for all people.

Jake Tapper: Really? That’s really what you thought?

Kellyanne Conway: Mm, yes, that’s what I thought.

Jake Tapper: And that’s all you thought?

Kellyanne Conway: Well– [music starts playing] I guess if I’m being completely honest, Jake, I just also think–

[Kellyanne Conway starts dancing and singing]

[singing] The name on everybody’s lips is gonna be, “Conway”
the lady raking in the chips is gonna be Conway
I’m gonna be a celebrity
that means somebody everyone knows
they’re gonna recognize my eyes,
my hair, my teeth, my boobs, my nose

Ooh, I’m gonna join sag

From just some dumb Blueberry farm I’m gonna be Conway
who says the lying’s not an art?
And when they google just okay
my name will come up before Kanye
Kellyanne Conway

[Cut back to the news set]

Jake Tapper: Now, Kellyanne, starting yesterday, you are now counselor to the president.

Kellyanne Conway: Mm-hmm. Yes, I am. I am that.

Jake Tapper: You have the president’s ear and a real opportunity to effect change in the White House.

[Kellyanne Conway looks surprised]

Kellyanne Conway: Oh my god, Jake, you’re right. Do you know what this means?

[singing] boys!

Boys: They’re gonna wait outside in line to get to see Conway
Kellyanne Conway: Think of those autographs I’ll sign, good luck to you

Boys: Conway!

Kellyanne Conway: An I’ll appear in a sleeveless dress on any show they’ll let me do

Boys: Meet the press, Anderson, Hannity, Fox & Friends

Kellyanne Conway: And if they I’ll do ‘The Chew’
Ooh, I’m a star
and the audience loves me and I love them
and they love me for loving them
and I love them for loving me
and we love each other

Hey, know what’s weird?
This time last year, I supported Ted Cruz
I said Donald Trump acted unpresidential
It’s on tape.

But hey, that’s show biz, Kel

Boys: She’s giving up her humdrum life

Kellyanne Conway: I’m gonna be Conway

Boys: She treats the news just like a play

Kellyanne Conway: And when the world goes up in flames
at least for now they knew my name
Kellyanne Conway

Five Stars

Aziz Ansari

Pedros… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Aziz waiting for his Uber driver whose rating is 3.9.]

Aziz: How does a guy not even have four stars? I wonder what my rating is.

[Aziz looks at his rating. His rating is also 3.9.]

How the [bleep] an I 3.9? Um, I guess I do make the drivers wait a lot.

[Cut to Pedros, the Uber driver]

Pedros: [looking at the Uber app] 3.9 stars? What? Is he psycho? I wonder what my rating is. [Pedros looks at his rating] 3,9? Well, I did hit that kid, so.

[Cut to Aziz walking]

Aziz: Okay, I gotta get my rating up to at least four. I’m gonna need a five star review.

[Cut to Pedros in his car]

Pedros: Five star ride. You can do this, Pedros.

[Cut to Aziz riding Pedros’s Uber]

Aziz thinking: Okay, let’s try to form a connection. Ask him something original. Thoughtful. Something no one else would ask.

Aziz: So, how long have you been driving for Uber?

Aziz thinking: Nailed it.

Pedros: Good question. I’ve been driving about six months.

Aziz: Cool!

Pedros thinking: Now you ask him a question. Something very pleasant, non-confrontational.

Pedros: What religion are you?

Pedros thinking: Dammit!

Aziz: I’m not really that religious.

Pedros: I put down some music?

Aziz: Sure.

Pedros thinking: What would he like?

[Pedros plays sitar music]

Aziz thinking: Oh, god! Is this what he thinks I like?

Pedros: Hah?

Aziz: Yeah. I love this style of music.

Pedros: [singing] Do-ti-do-ti. Or I can put on something else.

Aziz thinking: Alright, think. What would he like to hear?

Aziz: What about some Russian trance music?

[Pedros plays a trance music]

Aziz thinking: Am I a racist for thinking this is a music he likes?

Pedros thinking: I do like Russian trance music. You can do this, Pedros. Five star ride. Use the mints.

Pedros: You want mint?

Aziz: Um, sure.

[Pedros is looking for the mint at the compartment but takes a lot of time to find one.]

Pedros: And mint! [passing a pack of mint to Aziz]

Aziz: Oh, great!

Aziz thinking: [looking at the mint’s company] Mouth help? Are these off-brand Russian mints? Just take the mint.

[when Aziz opens the pack of mint, it’s all disgusting inside]

Aziz: It’s moist.

[Aziz puts one on mouth anyway]

[pointing outside] Oh, man! Is that Cuba Gooding Jr.?

Pedros: What? No way!

[as Pedros looks away, Aziz spits the mint out]

Aziz: It’s a really good mint. Thanks man.

Aziz thinking: He totally saw that. He’s freaking out. Think! You need to get this five star rating.

[as Pedros is driving, Aziz starts massaging Pedros’s back]

Aziz: How’s that? Little shoulder massage. You look little tensed.

Pedros: No, it’s okay. That’s nice. Ah, man! Oh!

Pedros thinking: You also should touch him.

[Pedros pulls up Aziz’s leg]

Pedros: Here we go. Is it okay?

Aziz: Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Pedros: And oopsie-bootsie. [Pedros pulls the shoe out of Aziz’s feet]

[Aziz is massaging Pedros’s back and Pedros is massaging Aziz’s fet]

Aziz: It’s nice.

Pedros: It’s good. Yeah, it’s all about pressure points.

[horn honking]

What the [bleep]. Get out of the way!

Aziz: Wow!

Pedros: [sigh] What are we even doing? This all horse and pony show to impress each other.

Aziz: It is these ratings. It’s driving me crazy.

Pedros: It’s like this episode of black mirror or something.

Aziz: Oh, man. You watch black mirror too?

Pedros: Yeah.

Aziz and Pedros: That’s like my favorite show.

Aziz: The best episode was …

Aziz and Pedros: Sangino Paro.

Aziz: What?

Pedros: It’s about to go! Ha-ha-ha.

Aziz: Um, well this is me.

Pedros: Yeah.

[Pedros pulls over]

Hey, five stars.

Aziz: Right back at you, brother. Have a good one, Pedros.

Pedros: Adios, cowboy.

[Pedros drives forward and runs over Aziz. He then runs away.]

Bedroom

Aziz Ansari

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Aziz and Melissa getting in bed]

Aziz: Hey, baby. You’re looking good.

Melissa: What? Oh, yeah. It’s Sunday night. That’s when we have sex.

Aziz: Well, you know, don’t say it like that like it’s a hair appointment or something.

Melissa: No, I’m pumped for it. I promise. Let’s start.

[Melissa tries to cuddle]

Aziz: Well, hold on, hold on. Now, I was thinking maybe we could do something fun tonight. Try and spice things up a bit. What do you think about a little dirty talk?

Melissa: Oh, yeah, that’s hot.

Aziz: What’s up, you dirty girl?

Melissa: Yeah. What’s up you freaking alcoholic?

Aziz: Okay. Well, you know, babe, let’s not bring up my old demons, you know? I’m a little sensitive about that. How about this? Just be like, a little mean to me.

Melissa: Okay. What’s up, bitch? I make more money than you.

Aziz: Okay. Well, that’s kind of another sore spot for me. You know? Let’s keep it simple. How about you just call me daddy?

Melissa: Okay.

[Aziz and Melissa starts cuddling]

Aziz: Um, you like that?

Melissa: OH, yeah, dad. Do me, dad.

Aziz: Okay. One second. Maybe don’t say ‘dad’. Coz dad, it just sounds like you’re talking about your real dad. Like, your biological dad. Maybe we need a little structure. A little role playing.

Melissa: Umm.

Aziz: Here, I’ll lead us off. [Aziz and Melissa start cuddling] Well, hello, young lady. Are you here after class for some extra tutoring?

Melissa: Oh, yeah, I am. Because I have a learning disability. When I read, the words all fall out of order.

Aziz: Okay baby, you know, the thing is that’s just kind of sad. How about, um… [Aziz and Melissa start cuddling] you know, why you’re here in the principal’s office?

Melissa: Coz I brought a gun to school.

Aziz: Okay. You don’t have a gun, babe. I think– [Aziz and Melissa start cuddling] I think you’re here because you have been dressing like a slut. Now give me one reason I shouldn’t kick you out of school.

Melissa: Because I want to do you.

Aziz: Oh, you are bad.

Melissa: Yeah. I’m the baddest girl on 6th grade.

Aziz: No, no, no, no, no. You can’t be in the 6th grade because– general rule, alright? Dirty talk, you’re 18, alright? Keep it legal.

Melissa: Oh, okay. But I read at 6th grade because of my learning disability.

Aziz: No, let’s move on from that, okay? Let’s keep it simple and fun, alright? Let’s start with a voice, okay? [Aziz and Melissa start cuddling] Hi. [Australian accent] I’m Liam. I’m a surfer from Australia. You wanna see my didgeridoo?

Melissa: [making voice] Oh, yeah. Show it to me, wow.

Aziz: Oh yeah? What’s your name?

Melissa: Owen Wilson, baby. [She actually looks like Owen Wilson when she talks like that]

Aziz: Not Owen Wilson. You’re not– I’m not– You’re not Owen Wilson. I mean, no disrespect. I mean ‘Shanghai Nights’ all day. But you gotta do a lady’s voice.

Melissa: Am, Wanda Sykes? [speaking like Wanda Sykes] You wanna get nasty with Wands Sykes, baby? Yeah.

Aziz: Isn’t she a lesbian?

Melissa: Oh, yeah.

Aziz: It’s kind of hot!

Melissa: [speaking like Wanda Sykes] Oh yeah!

[Aziz and Melissa get under the blanket]

Beat the Bookworm

Bookworm… Aziz Ansari

Keaton Seasons… Mikey Day

Cindy… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with GSN show schedule]

Female voice: Now back to ‘Beat the Bookworm’, only on Game Show Network.

[Cut to Bookworm in a library]

Bookworm: Can you beat me in the game of wiz?

Male voice: Declared a genius at birth, he spent his life in pursuit of knowledge.

Bookworm: While you were watching TV, I was reading thousands of books. I know all.

Male voice: Can you ‘Beat the Bookworm’?

[Cut to Keaton Seasons and Cindy at the game stage]

Keaton Seasons: Alright, welcome to ‘Beat the Bookworm’. I’m Keaton Seasons and I am joined by Cindy, a–

Cindy: Unemployed.

Keaton Seasons: From Phoenix, who just as we ran out of time yesterday won over $32,000, and a chance to go head to head with the bookworm.

[The wall rotates and there’s Bookworm sitting there.]

Bookworm: Hello, idiots.

Keaton Seasons: Bookworm, any words for Cindy before we play?

Bookworm: Um, yes, I will win.

Keaton Seasons: Ha-ha. Oh-oh, you hear that Cindy?

Cindy: I’m not scared. I’m gonna beat that damn bookworm.

Keaton Seasons: Don’t say ‘damn’, please. Now, let’s play. You know how it works, Cindy. You and the bookworm will answer a series of questions from a category of your choice. If you score higher than the bookworm, you’ll leave here with $1 million. But if you don’t–

Bookworm: You’ll leave here with what you are, nothing.

Keaton Seasons: Cindy, will the bookworm be answering questions about Shakespeare’s Comedies?

Bookworm: Oh, the Bard of Avon. I am partially Parkish as I may be, the bookworm does love that category.

Keaton Seasons: The space Race.

Bookworm: Um, who would be the first to touch the cosmos? The Starjen Shives or the Hamaran Sikil? Pick this category and USSR going to lose.

Keaton Seasons: ’90s Pop Culture.

Bookworm: Noooo!

Keaton Seasons: Alright, Cindy, which category do you think will beat the bookworm.

Cindy: Um, I’m leaning towards ’90s Pop Culture because of that long “Noooo!” Then again, I did study Shakespeare in college.

Bookworm: Um, so? Shakespeare it is.

Cindy: But then again, I am a ’90s kid, so let’s go with ’90s Pop Culture.

Bookworm: Noooo! I don’t know any of that stuff. I spent the ’90s reading books.

Keaton Seasons: Let’s play. Beat the Bookworm. [Bookworm looks nervous] Bookworm, your time begins now. Name the Super Bother’s Mario and–

Bookworm: Kevin?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: MC Hammer was too legit to–

Bookworm: Drive?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: Terminator 2 lined all be–

Bookworm: Back in the Jeff?

[wrong answer buzzer]

None of this was in my books.

Keaton Seasons: Finish the TLC lyric, don’t go chasing–

Bookworm: Dogs.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: Forest Gump said, “Life is like a box of–”

Bookworm: Condoms?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh! I’m gonna lose.

Keaton Seasons: Michael Jackson was king of–

Bookworm: The Jews.

Keaton Seasons: No, that was Jesus Christ. Last question, name the science guy–

Bookworm: Ah, yes! I know them all.

Keaton Seasons: –who hosted a kid’s TV show.

Bookworm: Who is that? He is not a real scientist!

[Time up buzzer]

Keaton Seasons: Out of time! Wow! Cindy, a lucky break in the form of an absolute cratering on behalf of the bookworm. How do you feel?

Cindy: Damn good.

Keaton Seasons: You said ‘damn’ again. Coming up, Cindy goes for the million and bookworm, since you scored zero, you gotta wear the dum-dum hat.

Bookworm: Not the dum-dum hat! Please!

[Keaton Seasons puts a cone hat with ‘Dum-Dum’ written on Bookworm]

Keaton Seasons: We’ll be right back.

Aziz Ansari Stand-Up Monologue

Aziz Ansari

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Aziz Ansari.

[Aziz Ansari walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Aziz Ansari: Thank you. Thank you very much. Wow! I can’t believe this. I’m here hosting Saturday Night Live. Yeah! [in intense voice] The day after Trump’s inauguration. Hmm. Pretty cool to know though, he’s probably at home right now watching a brown guy make fun of him though, right?

[cheers and applause]

Crazy couple of days, man! Yesterday, Trump was inaugurated. Today, an entire gender protested against him. Wow! Everyone should support that. It shows that people care. Very cool. I do think we should be careful though. You know? We can’t demonize everyone that voted for Trump. Some people are like, “Everyone that voted for Trump is a dumb racist, misogynist, homophobe–” Alright, hold on. We are talking about 63 million people. Don’t judge them by their worst. I’m sure there are some people have different political priorities. I’m sure there are some people voted for him with reservations. I’m sure there’s a lot of people that voted for Trump the same way a lot of people listen to the music of Christ Brown. Where it’s like, “Hey, man. I’m just here for the tunes. I’m just here for the tunes. I don’t know about that other stuff. I just like the dancing and the music. I don’t condone the extra curriculars.” If you think about it, Donald Trump is basically the Chris Brown of politics. And ‘Make America Great Again’ is his ‘These Hoes Ain’t Loyal.’

So look, we’re divided. It’s okay. We have always been divided by some of the big political issues. It’s fine. As long as we treat each other with respect and remember that ultimately, we are all Americans, we’ll be fine. But the problem is– [cheers and applause] The problem is there is a new group. I’m talking about this tiny slice of people that have gotten way too fired up about the Trump thing for the wrong reasons. I’m talking about these people that as soon as Trump won, they’re like, [acts shocked] “We don’t have to pretend like we’re not racist anymore. We don’t have to pretend anymore. We can be racist again. Whooo!” Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! No! No! If you’re one of these people, please go back to pretending. You’ve got to go back to pretending. I’m so sorry we never thanked you for your service. We never realized how much effort you were putting into the pretending. But you’ve got to go back to pretending. [cheers and applause] Hey, I know it’s been a rough couple of years. Obama, ‘Empire’, ‘Hamilton.’ It’s just been hit after hit after hit. Star Wars movie is where the only white characters are storm troopers. I get it. It’s been rough. But you got to stop. You know who I”m talking about. There’s like this new lower case KKK movement that’s started. This kind of casual white supremacy. “oh, let me put my foot in the pool and see how cold this water really is.” No! No! I’m talking about these people running around saying stuff like, “Trump won, go back to Africa.” “Trump won, go back to Mexico.” They see me. “Trump won, go back… to where you came from.” Yeah, they’re not usually geography buffs.

[cheers and applause]

Is that the plan, by the way? We’re all gonna move? All the minorities? 40-some percent of the country? Every minority’s gonna move? Beyoncé’s gonna move? Beyoncé ain’t moving. I ain’t moving. Okay? My parents– [applause] My parents moved from India to South Carolina in the early ’80s. They didn’t move until nine years ago. You know where they moved? North Carolina. They love it here. They’re not leaving. [cheers and applause]

Lower case KKK, man! They’re out there. You know? Hate crimes and stuff are on the rise. You know as far as people of my own skin tone, brown people, I think the part of the problem is a lot of these people, they just haven’t interacted with any brown people in normal life. They only people they see are these monsters in the news who are just a drop in the ocean. Maybe what needs to happens when they do the news report, they should do a second report about other brown people up to normal stuff to calm those people down. So, the report’s like, “The suspect is considered armed and dangerous. Not armed and dangerous, these four other Muslim people eating nachos in Chicago. Let’s go to a footage of them. Oh-oh! Looks like Nasir just spilled a little cheese on his khakis. Got a little overambitious with that last dip. We’ve all been there.”

A lot of people are Islamaphobic which doesn’t make sense on paper. Coz, you know, like, god in Islam is the same god that was revealed to Abraham in Judaism or Christianity, same guy. But people are scared. Why? Coz any time they watch movies, TV shows and a character is Arabic where they’re praying or something like that, that’s scary ass music from ‘Homeland’ is underneath it. It’s terrifying. [mimicking the scary music while praying] And people are like, “Ah! What did they say?” Just god is good, normal religions stuff, it’s okay! You wanna end Islamophobia, honestly, just change that music. Like, if the music was different, if it was just like, [mimicking theme music to ‘Benny Hill’ funnily while praying], people would be like, “Man, Islam is one whimsical religion, isn’t it?”

[cheers and applause]

I think Trump should make a speech, a real speech denouncing the lower case KKK. Don’t tweet about me being lame or the show. Write a speech. A real speech coz these people are out there and it’s pissing a lot of people off. And I think you can make a difference coz other presidents have done things like this and it has helped. Hate crimes and stuffs went down. George Bush– George W. Bush made a speech after 9/Aziz AnsariAziz Ansari. And it really helped. Things changed. This is what he said in the speech and I’m paraphrasing slightly. He said, “Islam is peace. The perpetrators of these attacks, they don’t represent Islam. They represent war and violence. Our enemies are not our muslim brothers and sisters. Our enemies are network of radical terrorists.” And everyone applauded. Republicans, democrats, didn’t matter. Coz it was not about politics. It was about basic human decency and remembering why the country was founded in the first place. And I’m sitting there and I’m watching the speech. What the hell has happened? I’m sitting here wistfully watching old George W. Bush speeches? Just saying, “What a leader he was?” 16 years ago, I was certain this dude was a dildo. Now I’m sitting there like, “He guided us with his eloquence!

[cheers and applause]

I want to leave you guys with a serious thought. I know there are a lot of people that are worried now. It’s a weird time. If you’re excited about Trump, great! He’s president. Let’s hope he does a great job. If you’re scared about Trump and you’re very worried, you’re going to be okay too. Coz if you look at our country’s history, change doesn’t come from presidents. Change comes from large groups of angry people. And if day one is any indication, you are part of the largest group of angry people I have ever see. [cheers and applause] Good luck to you.

We’ve got a great show tonight. Big Sean is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Attorney Ad

Lisa Broderick… Kate McKinnon

Jeremy Ganz… Bobby Moynihan

Aziz Ansari

Sasheer Zamata

Melissa Villaseñor

Bill… Pete Davidson

[Starts with ad video bumper]

Female voice: [singing] Broderick and Gans, injury attorneys for you.

[Cut to Lisa Broderick and Jeremy Ganz in their office]

Lisa Broderick: Hi, I’m Lisa Broderick.

Jeremy Ganz: And I’m Jeremy Ganz.

Lisa Broderick: Have you been injured in an accident? Talk to us. [Lisa Broderick and Jeremy Ganz pointing at the camera] We’ll get you the money you deserve.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: After my accident, Jeremy Ganz got me a settlement of $6,000.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Lisa Broderick got me $1.7 million.

[Cut to Melissa and Bill]

Bill: Thanks to Lisa Broderick, we were awarded $2 million.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: Wait. Those guys got how much?

[Cut to Lisa Broderick and Jeremy Ganz]

Lisa Broderick: We’ve got your back. I Lisa Broderick have 14 years of law experience and I graduated top of my class at Yale.

Jeremy Ganz: And I am also a lawyer.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: I burned my tongue on hot coffee. Thanks to Lisa Broderick, I don’t have to work anymore.

[Cut to Melissa and Bill]

Melissa: Bill sprained his ankle at the mall.

Bill: And now we’re set for life.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: Cement truck crashed into my living room and dumped cement all over me. I was trapped in concrete for three days. The firemen had to chisel me out. Now that I think about it, $6,000 seems pretty light given the severity of this accident. I’m not sure Ganz did a good job here.

[Cut to Lisa Broderick and Jeremy Ganz]

Lisa Broderick: As a lawyer, I love having a personal connection with my clients.

Jeremy Ganz: My favorite part about being a lawyer is that there is a real live policemen in the courtroom. You can’t touch his gun, but you can see it.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: He did touch his gun. And it definitely affected the case.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

Sasheer: Lisa was smart, professional and answered all my questions.

[Cut to Melissa and Bill]

Bill: Lisa came to our home every day and drove us to the courthouse.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: Dud! Ganz showed up to court an hour late, wearing two different New Balance sneakers. At one point, I’m pretty sure he called me ‘your honor’.

[Cut to Lisa Broderick and Jeremy Ganz]

Jeremy Ganz: You know, people always ask us how in god’s name did you become partners?

Lisa Broderick: Well, I first me Jeremy Ganz when he generously gave my father his kidney.

Jeremy Ganz: And then she hired me when I gave her husband my other kidney.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: This guy is walking around with no kidneys? That explains why he kept going cross-eyed and blacking out.

[Cut to Melissa and Bill]

Melissa: I guess you could say Lisa was a bulldog in the courtroom.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: One time after he blacked out, I had to present my own evidence. I had a video of the whole crash. But when I showed it in court, Ganz had recorded over it with his audition for that TV show ‘Naked and Afraid’.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: When Broderick gave her closing argument, the judge and jury actually applauded.

[Cut to Aziz]

Aziz: After mine was over, Ganz followed back to my hotel and asked to borrow five of my $6,000. When I said no, he locked himself in my bathroom and called squatter’s rights. I had to hire another lawyer to evict him. I am in so much debt right now.

[Cut to Lisa Broderick and Jeremy Ganz]

Lisa Broderick: At Broderick and Gans, we will never stop fighting… for you.

Jeremy Ganz: That’s right. And oh-oh, I’m blacking out!

[Cut to Broderick & Ganz video bumper]

Weekend Update Sturdy Barbie

Barb… Kate McKinnon

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week Mattel introduced more realistic body types for Barbie. But here’s one that didn’t make the cut, Sturdy Barbie.

[Barb slides in]

Barb: [talking with accent] Come on. Come on. I’m a grown woman. Call me Sturdy Barb. How the hell are you, Mike?

Michael Che: I’m good, Barb. How are you feeling?

Barb: You know, I am disappointed. I mean these new gals, they’re nice and all but they’re not exactly a revolution. I mean, look at them.

[Cut to Barb. There’s a picture of Tall barbie at right top corner.]

This one’s tall and dundy.

[Picture changes to Petite barbie]

This one’s short and dundy. And only thing curvy on this girl is [Picture changes to Curvy barbie] her booty. Me on the other hand, I’m a little more new. I don’t know. Maybe people aren’t ready for that.

[Cut to Barb and Michael Che]

Michael Che: How are people not ready?

Barb: You know, I went through rounds of testing and kids were saying like, [Cut to Barb] “Her feet can only fit in crocs.” “Is that a faded tattoo or a boxed removal?” You know, and the biggest complaint, “Most of her breast is nipple.” But other than that, I’m just like the other gals. I got the whole line. I got a dream house. I got a dream car. And yeah, it is a ranch style home in an unpopular school district. And yeah, it is an old Mitsubishi Galant but I own them both at right, fully paid off. And thank you so much. And no, I’m not playing astronaut. I’m not playing veterinarian. I am for real, clock and sixty hours a week behind the Los Vegas desk at Balmore International Airport. And this year I got dental and vision. The only thing I don’t have is, you know, can that tuck me in at night.

[Cut to Barb and Michael Che]

Michael Che: No, but I’m sure you’ll find somebody.

Barb: Oh, I got somebody. [Cut to Barb] I am deep into a thing with an incarcerated vice principal named Alan who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

[Cut to Barb and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yeah. I’m sure he was. So, Barb, do you think Mattel will ever choose you as a new barbie?

Barb: You know, my gut says I was on shortlist. [Cut to Barb] Maybe next go round, I’ll lose some accessories, the sleep apnea machine, binder fold coupons, outdoor cat with heart problems, and sure, I may not be Malibu Barbie, but I am Trying My Best barbie. I’m Been Through A Lot barbie. I’m a barbie that will help you move a couch. I am Sturdy Barbie and I am gonna get on the shelf.

[Cut to Barb and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Sturdy Barbie, everybody.

Barb: My breast is almost whole nipple, though.

Weekend Update Jon Rudnitsky Dirty Dancing

Colin Jost

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Following the success of last week’s Greece live, rumors are now circulating about a possible Dirty Dancing Live starring Channing Tatum. Here to comment is our very own Jon Rudnitsky.

[Jon Rudnitsky slides in]

Jon Rudnitsky: Hey, Colin. How’s it going?

Colin Jost: Great! How are you Jon? What are your thoughts on Dirty Dancing Live?

Jon Rudnitsky: I don’t like it. Channing Tatum? [Cut to Jon Rudnitsky] Like, he needs to work? This is theatre on TV. A chance for a regular guy such as myself to truly shine.

[Cut to Jon Rudnitsky and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You’re not a regular guy. I mean, you’re on SNL.

Jon Rudnitsky: Literally nobody knows that Colin. [Cut to Jon Rudnitsky] So, the producers of Dirty Dancing Live, before you make any casting decisions, you don’t wanna hold off because I have a brand new take on it.

[Cut to Jon Rudnitsky and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you wearing Patrick Swayze wig?

Jon Rudnitsky: Maybe. Don, hit the lights.

[The lights turns off and red dim lights is on.]

[music playing]

[Jon Rudnitsky climbs over the news desk and starts dancing like he’s dancing with someone]

Colin Jost: So Jon, have you seen Dirty Dancing?

Jon Rudnitsky: I have not.

Colin Jost: Jon Rudnitsky, everyone.

Weekend Update Derek Zoolander and Hansel

Colin Jost

Derek Zoolander… Ben Stiller

Hansel… Owen Wilson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week was fashion week in New York city. Here to comment on the latest trends in men’s fashion, please welcome Derek Zoolander and Hansel.

[Derek Zoolander and Hansel slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Wow. You know, I gotta say, you guys look really great.

Derek Zoolander: Oh, no.

Hansel: You don’t have to say that.

Colin Jost: And now, tell us, what’s the latest from Fashion Week?

Hansel: No, no. Listen Colin, we’re not here to talk about fashion. We’re here to talk about the one thing everyone wants to hear male models talk about. Politics.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, what specifically about politics?

[Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Hansel: Fashion.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: Have you been following the current candidates?

Derek Zoolander: Well, as you know [Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel] they just held the Iowa Kus-kus. Which I skipped because I don’t need carbs.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: Well, the big story was that Hillary Clinton won in Iowa.

[Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Hansel: Well you know, Hillary is from the 90s which are very hot right now.

Derek Zoolander: So hot.

Hansel: They remade the X-files and full house and I don’t know if you saw this on the news Tuesday, but OJ Simpson killed again.

Derek Zoolander: Hillary style reminds me of one of my old time fashion icons. Kim Jong Un. Not to name drop but I’m pretty good friends with his sister, Kim Kardashi-Un.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: Alright, and what about Bernie Sanders?

Derek Zoolander: Bernie is the champion of the 99%. Apparently, the 99% off the JC Fendi.

Hansel: Yeah, look at that suit. Hey, Chernobyl called. They want their disaster back.

Derek Zoolander: Yeah. And then Chernobyl called back and they were like, “Look at that suit!”

Hansel: You know, Bernie is getting lots of young people to vote. But remember kids, voting can be dangerous. One time I was voting and suddenly the booth came in on me. And I was falling and falling into the swirling vortex of light when suddenly I realized, Hansel, haven’t you been drinking Ayahuasca for six straight days? And couldn’t some of this maybe be in your head? And it was. Turns out I can’t even vote. I’m a felon.

Derek Zoolander: Cool story Hansel. Next, we got Tom Cruise. [Cut to picture of Ted Cruz] He has totally let himself go. This is a real Mission Impossible for a stylist.

Hansel: Makes me wanna keep my eyes wide shut!

Derek Zoolander: Yeah. He should take his top gun and do some risky business with a cocktail. Jerry McGuire.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: Guys, that’s not Tom Cruise. It’s Ted Cruz with a Z.

[Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Derek Zoolander: Zed Cruz? That isn’t even a name.

Hansel: Come on, Colin. Take it easy.

Derek Zoolander: Yeah. Why don’t you pop a xanax and chill like your buddy Lester Holt!

[Cut to Michael Che.]

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: No, no. Alright, I hesitate to ask you guys this. What do you think of Trump?

Derek Zoolander: Oh, we love him.

[Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Hansel: OH yeah.

Derek Zoolander: Donnie’s just like us. He has the classic male model looks.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: Male model like, you mean like, Lu Steel?

Derek Zoolander: Exactly. But Donnie had Orange Mocha Crapaccino. And this one’s called Hot Mess. And finally after Iowa, He’s got a new signature look, Second Place.

Colin Jost: Derek Zoolander and Hansel everyone. For Weekend Update I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a KitKat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British woman is demanding a lifetime supply of KitKats after she bit into one of the candy bars and it didn’t have a wafer inside of it. And in response, KitKat has issued this statement.

[Picture changes to five KitKat bars arranged like showing a middle finger]

[Picture changes to Hellmann’s logo]

Hellmann’s has announced that it is releasing eggless vegan version of it’s mayonnaise. Hellmann’s is calling the product, Colin.

[Picture changes to Colin Jost]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is picture of a bunch of pencils at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Uh, it’s his month.

Michael Che: Oh, man! That’s not nice dude! [laughing]

Colin Jost: A teenager in Nepal set a new world record by fitting more than a 130 pencils in his mouth, which is the same method they use to cast the latest season of the Bachelor. [Picture changes to TV show The Bachelor logo]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of cheese at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in Wisconsin have uncovered more than $90,000 worth of stolen parmesan cheese. Apparently the thief was able to steal so much parmesan by never saying when.

[Picture changes to shredded cheese]