Tag: Michael Che

Weekend Update- Robert Mueller

Colin Jost

Robert Mueller… Mate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, special council Robert Mueller may have reached a deal with Steve Bannon in exchange for his testimony in the Russia investigation. Here to comment is Robert Mueller.

[Robert Mueller slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Robert Mueller: Oh, hi. Hello. How are you?

Colin Jost: Hey. How are you there?

Robert Mueller: Yeah. It’s me, Robert Mueller.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Thank you. You look great.

Robert Mueller: Yeah. Thank you.

Colin Jost: You look great. Thanks for being here.

Robert Mueller: Thank you so much. It’s an honor to be here. I wanted to come out here tonight to assure the American people that our investigation’s progressing smoothly. We’re looking forward to a timely and orderly conclusion.

Colin Jost: That’s great. And, can you give us a sense of where it’s heading?

Robert Mueller: Well, obviously I can’t discuss particulars of an ongoing investigation. But… [Robert Mueller is smiling hard] Yeah. We’re good.

Colin Jost: Really? Really? We good?

Robert Mueller: Uh-huh. Yeah. I mean… no, no. You just wait. You’ll see.

Colin Jost: So, even with like, the Trump bout it, or–

Robert Mueller: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re good. We’re good. Situation’s under control. Colin, you got– okay, yeah. You gotta remember, I have actual footage of– no. You know what? I want to tell you so bad. I can’t. I’m not gonna. it’s gonna be fun. Yeah.

Colin Jost: So, then I take it you have nard evidence?

Robert Mueller: Colin, come on. You’re putting me in a weird position. I cannot comment on that. But yeah, big time. I just– oh man! Can I tell them? Ah! I want to tell em’ one thing. Okay. I shouldn’t be– no. Okay, so– yeah. Don Jr., he wrote in his Venmo description, “Russia– ” No! I can’t! Oh! I can’t! It hurts. Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, don’t do this. I’m not gonna. I’m not gonna. Oh, my god.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, what happens if Trump fires you?

Robert Mueller: He could. That’s a real possibility. But, it’s a little late for that. Cat’s out of the bag. And the bag’s full of, um, how do I say this? Michael Flynn’s wire tap. Ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: Wait. So, you put a wire on Flynn?

Robert Mueller: I can neither confirm nor deny this, Colin. Please. But, if you were to, I don’t know, ask me to bang the desk for if I did.

Colin Jost: Okay, well, bang the desk if– [Robert Mueller bangs the desk] But is it bad? Or–? [Colin Jost bangs the desk few more times] But it’s not like treason bad, right?

Robert Mueller: I don’t know.

[Robert Mueller starts banging the desk here and there.]

Colin Jost: Wow!

Robert Mueller: Yeah. It’s not. Colin, you gotta understand. The guide didn’t leave me a bread crunch here. He left me full loaves. Fresh seven grain loaves straight from panera bread. I’m having a blast, man.

Colin Jost: Well, can you give us any sense of how this all ends?

Robert Mueller: Yes. Okay. Well, let me put it this way. You know how you love the show ‘Lost’? But it never really came together. There was no satisfying ending. Ah! [smiling] This ain’t lost.

Colin Jost: Robert Mueller, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Princes William and Harry

Michael Che

Prince William… Alex Moffat

Prince Harry… Mikey Day

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: President Trump recently cancelled a trip to London with many are saying the royal family’s relationship with president Obama played a factor. Here with an official statement from Buckingham Palace are Prince William and Prince Harry.

[Prince William and Prince Harry slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Prince William: Hello.

Prince Harry: What’s up? Hi, Michael. What’s up, my dog?

[Prince Harry does the gang handshake with Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. Okay. Well.

Prince William: Good evening, Michael.

Prince Harry: What’s up?

Michael Che: It’s an honor to meet you. And thank you for coming all the way here from London.

Prince Harry: Yes. Michael, we’d like to apologize. Unfortunately, William’s hair was unable to make it this evening.

Prince William: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Prince Harry: It’s devestating.

Prince William: Oh, bravo! Hilarious. Yes, a bald joke. Yes, buzz the sides this week. Rocking the Bruce Willis look broke the internet.

Prince Harry: No. Bruce Willis shaves it all, man. You’re a British Larry David. It’s not good. Shave it.

Prince William: Okay. You’re speaking of hair, how was the quidditch match, Ron Beasley?

Prince Harry: Ron Beasley? Who’s Ron Beasley?

Prince William: The red head one.

Prince Harry: It’s Ron Weasley.

Prince William: Oh, I don’t know. Who cares?

Prince Harry: Everyone cares.

Prince William: Nobody knows that.

Prince Harry: It’s Harry Potter. It makes up half of England’s economy. Come on. Just shave it, Will.

Prince William: Okay, just shut up about the hair.

Prince Harry: What hair? Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I love you. I love you.

Prince William: I love you more.

Prince Harry: Yeah? Alright. Windsor boys.

Prince William: Windsor boys.

Prince Harry: Yeah. Bring it in. Bring it in.

Prince William and Prince Harry: Bangers. Match. Hello.

Prince William: It’s a secret handshake, Michael.

Michael Che: Yeah. I saw. Very cool. Hey, before you give your statement, I just want to thank you again for coming to the show.

Prince William: Um, of course, Michael. Um, we love American telly. Um, my brother’s fiancé is Meghan Markle. She’s in the American program Suits.

Prince Harry: Yeah. Wednesdays, 8 PM, USA network. Check it out. She’s amazing.

Prince William: Right. Um, the only difference between that show and this is people watch this one.

Prince Harry: Oh! [clapping] Hilarious. What is it that you’re always watching? Wills? What is it? Oh, yeah. Kate’s Handbag. Right? Kate’s Handbag.

Prince William: Ha-ha-ha. Right.

Prince Harry: This guy goes shopping with Kate four times a week.

Prince William: She likes hats.

Prince Harry: She loves hats.

Prince William: [to Michael Che] Kate’s my wife.

Michael Che: I know who Kate Middleton is.

Prince William: Beautiful woman.

Michael Che: Yeah. Fine.

Prince William: great mom. Whenever the kids are being fussy and not going to bed, she puts on an episode of Suits and they’re out. Ha-ha.

[Prince Harry puts his pinky finger in his mouth and then inside Prince William’s ear.]

Oh, what are you doing?

Prince Harry: Look at that.

Prince William: Ouch.

Prince Harry: Look at that.

Prince William: Stop it. Stop it.

Michael Che: Did you just give him a wet willie?

Prince Harry: Yes. In England, it’s called moist Matthew.

Michael Che: Alright. I feel like I should remind everyone why you’re here which is to address rumors president Trump cancelled his UK trip because your family’s relationship with the Obama’s.

Prince Harry: Yes.

Prince William: Right. [Prince William opens a paper and reads it] Buckingham Palace does not comment on political matters. Thank you and goodbye.

Prince Harry: “Thank you and goodbye,” said William’s hair.

Prince William: Alright, enough.

Michael Che: Prince William and Prince Harry, everybody.

Weekend Update Stormy Daniels

Colin Jost

Stormy Daniels… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Yesterday, In Touch Weekly released a 5,000 word interview with pornstar Stormy Daniels about an affair she allegedly had with Donald Trump in 2006. Here to comment is Stormy Daniels.

[Stormy Daniels slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Stormy Daniels: Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Yeah, hi, Stormy. How are you?

Stormy Daniels: I’m way fine. Whatever.

Colin Jost: That’s great. Now, you’re a kind of unlikely ally for critics of Donald Trump now.

Stormy Daniels: I know. It’s crazy, right? I’m all over Huffington Pollison daily beast. I’m like a liberal hero. Even though I’m a republican pornstar who loves Sarah Palin. Right? Things are so bad right now, they are so many women just desperately trying to figure out how to be empowered by me. And the best they can say is that I’m a female director.

Colin Jost: Wow. So, you also direct porn?

Stormy Daniels: Yeah, Colin. Coz unlike your industry, we actually have female directors. Imagine that? Now, I get it that I’m not what these people in vision their hero would look like, but guess what, America? I’m the hero you deserve right now.

Colin Jost: What does that mean?

Stormy Daniels: Well, okay, okay. Take for instance the still Dacia, right? Alright. When the information about Russia was important enough that somebody wound up dead, but all anybody wanted to talk about was the Russian hookers. That’s why you get me. You get a Stormy. Alright? And when I was hanging out late at night with Donald Trump and Ben Roethlisberger, and the one I trusted to get me home safe was Ben Roethlisberger. And then you guys went and made the other guy president? You get a Stormy. And ladies, when it’s the one year anniversary of the women’s march and y’all are arguing about, who gets to say “me too” and who doesn’t? Well, you get a Stormy. And my hashtag isn’t #TimesUp. It’s #AssUp.

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. Okay. Alright. So, you’re here to teach people a lesson then?

Stormy Daniels: No, no, no, no. I just, I am the lesson. I just wanted to be on Celebrity Apprentice. But that’s not gonna happen. And I am making my peace with that, okay? And America, you need to accept your reality too. You all wish you were still living in 1920s Paris with Barack Obama. But guess what, honey, you’re in 1990s Orlando with Trumpy and Stormy. And that’s what you get. [pointing at audience] You get a Stormy. And you get a Stormy. Oh, I’m like Oprah.

Colin Jost: Yeah, okay.

Stormy Daniels: Should I run for president?

Colin Jost: No. No, no. Stormy Daniels, everyone.

Stormy Daniels: I would win. Of course, I would win.

Weekend Update on Unemployment for Black Americans

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s tweet at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump tweeted that unemployment for Black Americans is the lowest ever recorded. Umm, I don’t know, man. I’m pretty sure that before the civil war, black unemployment was at like, zero.

[Picture changes to an urn]

Police in Washington– [laughing] Police in Washington state say that they’re trying to find the owner of an urn full of cremated remains that was donated to a goodwill location. “Um, what did that urn look like?” said an employee who just made coffee.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week mark Chris Christie’s final days as governor of New Jersey. And to honor him– And to honor Christie, pants were worn at full mask.

[Picture changes to a rare shark]

Scientists in Taiwan have caught a rare shark that can extend it’s jaws beyond it’s mouth to swallow large fish in one bite. Officials say the shark is cleaning up in Grindr.

Weekend Update on the Government Shutdown

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, congratulations to Donald Trump who managed to keep our government open for almost one whole year. The government shutdown at midnight last night over disagreements over immigration. President Trump has blamed minority leader Chuck Schumer for the shutdown because Trump never misses a chance to blame a minority.

[Picture changes to United States Capitol]

Also, why is shutting down our entire government even an option? America has been around 240 years. Maybe it’s time we just buy our government instead of leasing it month to month. This is people’s lives, not a Kia Sorento. [Picture changes to Kevin Spacey] Even production on House of Cards didn’t shut down after the main guy was accused of being a full predator. If a fake government can keep going, so can we. Also, in the fake government, they got rid of the sexual predator president and [Picture changes to Robin Wright] got a female president instead. So, just something to think about. Just an idea.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of United States Capitol at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah. All I wanna know is since the government shutdown, do we still have to pay taxes for the whole year? Do we get pro rated or something like that? When my cable shut down, Comcast gave me free HBO for a month. I feel like the government owes us an eagle or an apple pie or something.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Stormy Daniels at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, I was finally able to google Stormy Daniels on my work computer. In an interview from 2011, pornstar Stormy Daniel said that while she was having an affair with Donald Trump, he told her she was beautiful and smart just like his daughter. Which is somehow the grossest thing a man has ever said to Stormy Daniels. [Picture changes to Mike Pence] I just love watching Mike Pence during all of this. He’s a button own conservative christian. Now, he’s gotta go ride or die with Caligula. I mean, at this point, Pence would probably be more comfortable as a judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, the worst part about that Stormy Daniels story is that it was so lame. An old rich dude cheated on his wife with a pornstar. Clutch my pearls! I thought we’d get some freaky details out of it. I mean, Donald Trump grabs women by vagina as his opener. So, his actual sex must be insane, right? But the craziest thing that we got was that he was spanked with a magazine and he’s afraid of sharks. Well, of course he’s afraid of sharks. The man has the body of a seal.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dr. Ronny Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: On Tuesday, the White House doctor held a press conference where he read the results of Trump’s physical and we have some of those results right here.

EKG: Normal. Blood Pressure: Normal. Urine: Loves it. The doctor said that president Trump also took in-cognitive test and did exceedingly well. But it wasn’t like an IQ test. It was more of a, “Are you okay?” test. One of the questions was literally ‘draw a clock.’ The last president to fail this test was Lincoln after the play.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, I for one am happy to know that the president has a normal functioning brain. Because it would suck to find out that all this time, I’ve been making fun of a mentally challenged dude. If he would have failed that mental exam, it would have ruined everything. People from other countries would be like, “Hey, you’re from America, where they elected that mentally challenged guy. That’s awesome.”

[Picture changes to a group of people in a protest.]

Hundreds of marches took place around the world today to protest president Trump’s first year. Single handedly saving the pink yarn industry. Yeah, I support the women’s movement. But it’s kind of hard to take someone serious wearing a vagina hat. If Martin Luther King gave his speech wearing a black penis hat, he’d probably still be alive today.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of White House at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The first year in office typically ages a president a lot. But here’s Trump a year ago, and here’s Trump now. [showing two pictures of Donald Trump] Not that big of a difference. But let’s see how it has affected the news anchors who have to report on Trump. Here’s Anderson Cooper a year ago. [Picture changes to Anderson Cooper] And here’s Anderson now. [Picture changes to Gandalf]

This also marks the year anniversary of republicans controlling all three branches of government. So, let’s take a look at what they’ve managed to accomplish.

[Cut to a list. The list has only two things, tax bills and government shutdown.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. He is drinking his coffee.]

Michael Che: That’s it?

[Colin Jost puts his coffee mug down.]

Colin Jost: That’s it. Great. Truly inspiring.

Weekend Update Minister of Loneliness

Colin Jost

Michael che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of British flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Thinking of which, the British government has appointed a minister of loneliness to deal with health problems standing from social isolation. This replaces the current British minister of loneliness, Sam Smith. [Picture changes to Sam Smith.]

Coincidentally, minister of loneliness was also my nickname in middle school. [Picture changes to Colin Jost’s young photograph]

[Cut to Michael che. there’s a picture of a hand holding a dog lease at right top corner.]

Michael che: I didn’t know you were a lesbian in middle school. A Pennsylvanian man was arrested for walking his dog without wearing any pants. Even worse, he was walking em’ to get more peanut butter.

Weekend Update- Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham

Colin Jost

Oprah Winfrey… Leslie Jones

Stedman Graham… Chris Redd

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: After her claimed Golden Globe speech, Oprah Winfrey is considering running for president. Oprah’s long time partner Stedman Graham added to the rumors when he said the she would absolutely. Here to explain are Oprah and Stedman.

[Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham slide in]

Oprah Winfrey: Hello, America.

Stedman Graham: Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed. What she say.

Colin Jost: Alright. Let’s just start with this. Oprah, are you running?

Oprah Winfrey: Colin, I thought about it for a while.

Stedman Graham: Long time.

Oprah Winfrey: And I’d love to give you an answer.

Stedman Graham: Here it comes.

Oprah Winfrey: But I don’t know.

Stedman Graham: Nah. No answer today.

Oprah Winfrey: This is America. Running for political office is tough.

Stedman Graham: So, we’re not doing it.

Oprah Winfrey: But it would be worth it to serve my country.

Stedman Graham: Which is why we’re gonna do it.

Colin Jost: Now, Oprah, you’re already very powerful.

[Stedman Graham laughing hard]

Stedman Graham: You don’t even know.

Colin Jost: Why would you ever do this?

Oprah Winfrey: I’ll tell you, Colin. I need to get white women back on track.

Stedman Graham: Get them back on track, white women.

Oprah Winfrey: Ever since I’ve been off the air, they’ve gotten out of control. They voted for Trump.

Stedman Graham: Why?

Oprah Winfrey: They voted for Roy Moore

Stedman Graham: Yeah.

Oprah Winfrey: They kept twelve different shows about flipping houses on air. It’s a mess.

Stedman Graham: It’s a mess.

Oprah Winfrey: Somebody needs to look these women into eye and say, “You deserve my three favorite things.” Love.

Stedman Graham: Um-hmm.

Oprah Winfrey: Respect.

Stedman Graham: That’s right.

Oprah Winfrey: And a new panini maker. [pointing at the audience] You get a panini. You get a panini.

Stedman Graham: You too.

Oprah Winfrey: You get a panini.

Stedman Graham: At least three of y’all get paninis.

Oprah Winfrey: Who else is going to do that for them?

Stedman Graham: Nobody, that’s who.

Oprah Winfrey: I’m the only woman in America who is on first name basis with Dr. Phil…

Stedman Graham: Doctor.

Oprah Winfrey: Dr. Oz…

Stedman Graham: Another doctor.

Oprah Winfrey: And Dr. Dre.

Stedman Graham: That’s the whole medical community.

Colin Jost: Right. Yes. I understand. I’m sure you would be great but some people are saying that we don’t even know there’s celebrity president.

Oprah Winfrey: And I certainly understand that.

Stedman Graham: Yeah. That’s a good point.

Oprah Winfrey: But I disagree.

Stedman Graham: So, you’re wrong, Colin. Very mistaken.

Colin Jost: Now, if Oprah was president, can I ask what would your role be, Stedman?

Stedman Graham: Who? Me? You got a question for me? No one has ever asked me a question before. [clears throat] Okay, well my role would be simple. I’m gonna be the first Stedman.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. And what does that mean?

Stedman Graham: TBD. We’ll see what happens.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, I think you’ll both be great. Oprah, is there anyone out there who you think could beat you?

Oprah Winfrey: Yes. There’s one thing in my life that’s been able to beat me. Bread. All my life, I’ve lost a bread. Please. Don’t make me run against bread. I hate bread.

Colin Jost: Oprah and Stedman, everyone.

Oprah Winfrey: I’ll let you know soon.

Stedman Graham: I’ll let you know after she lets you know.

Weekend Update- LaVar Ball on Sons LaMelo and LiAngelo

Michael Che

LaVar Ball… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, 1.6 million people watched on Facebook as LaVar Ball’s sons LiAngelo and LaMelo made their debut for Basketball team at Lithuania. Here to comment is LaVar Ball.

[LaVar Ball slides in]

[cheers and applause]

LaVar Ball: Yeah. Yeah. Triple B. How you doing, Michael? Me? I’m magnificent.

Michael Che: You’re in the good mood.

LaVar Ball: Why shouldn’t I be? I’m an internet sensation. I’m a multi-billionaire.

Michael Che: Alright. You’re not.

LaVar Ball: I own 16 Toyota Corollas. And I’m the only man in history to out pizza the hut. Never lost.

Michael Che: And you just got back from the Lithuania?

LaVar Ball: You damn right. I flew all the way. Business economy. Middle seat. One hotel room to share. The only hotel in Lithuania is in the back of the soup restaurant. Never not smell like cabbage. Never not a cabbage.

Michael Che: Never not the cabbage. So, just to be clear, you took 19 year old LiAngelo out of college and 16 year old LaMelo out of high school to play Eastern Europe basketball? I mean, were they okay with that?

LaVar Ball: Man, they living the dream, Michael. I told em’, “Pack up your things. We moving up. I’m taking you out of this dump called Los Angeles. And we’re going to pray new. Where the forecast is always a crisp, -2 degrees celsius. And a 100% chance of freezing rain. Never dry. Never dry.”

Michael Che: And you think the Lithuania league is good training to play in NBA?

LaVar Ball: Absolutely. I love the Lithuanian league. All white team mates. Nobody above 140 pounds.

Michael Che: Oh, man!

LaVar Ball: Vitamin deficiencies. Soft teeth. All layups. No dunks. Perfect training for the NBA. I love it. Every night the crowd of 61 people just goes wild. Cheering and waving wooden spoons in the air.

Michael Che: Alright. But, your Big Baller company has been having some problems lately. I saw you got an F from the Better Business Bureau.

LaVar Ball: [squeaky voice] Man, don’t you talking bout no Better Business F rating Bureau. I told my kids that F stands for phenomenal. And yes, my kids are home schooled. Never taught them.

Michael Che: You know, the word is you’re getting a lot of complaints from customers.

LaVar Ball: Well, that don’t matter. Coz I just launched a first Big Baller product in Lithuania. And it’s selling millions. Fresh from the wild streets of business. It’s called Beats by LaVar.

Michael Che: Oh! So, the headphones?

LaVar Ball: No, no. They’re just Beats from the ground with the roots still on. They so baller, they make your dookie redder than Santa Clause.

Michael Che: [laughing] Oh, my god.

LaVar Ball: Order your’s today and it will arrive between one and 11 months.

Michael Che: LaVar Ball everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Aidy Bryant

Colin Jost

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin JostColin Jost: It was reported this week that Mark Wahlberg was paid $1.5 million for the reshoots of the movie ‘All The Money In The World’ while his co-star Michelle Williams made only $80 a day. Here to comment is Aidy Bryant.

[Aidy Bryant slides in]

Aidy Bryant: Whoo. Hi, Colin. Hey.

Colin Jost: How are you? Thanks for being here. Thanks for doing this.

Aidy Bryant: Oh. Thank you for having me. And I’m sorry I rolled out here kind of weird. Did I ruin it?

Colin Jost: No. Of course you didn’t ruin anything. There’s nothing to apologize for.

Aidy Bryant: Oh. I know. I just do that. You know. I t’s kind of my natural state because I, like most girls, have been taught to be accommodating and polite. Like, once, I felt bad about telling an Uber driver that he made a wrong turn and so I just went with him to New Jersey.

Colin Jost: Wow. So, what does that have to do with Michelle Williams?

Aidy Bryant: Well, I guess I just understand the impulse to be accommodating, you know? Like, I easily could have been in Michelle William’s position. I mean, not in the position of being in a movie. I have only been in one movie and it was Spiderman 1 and I had one line and it was uncredited. Although, I was recently offered the role of fat ugly prison who brings inmates sex and cake. And that’s real.

Colin Jost: God, wow. What do you think of the public response to the story?

Aidy Bryant: Well, everyone’s talking about how women should negotiate harder and ask for more money. And that’s true. And I really think women are ready to do that. But I feel like maybe, just maybe, men could be just like [showing a tiny amount using her fingers] this much more dees. You know?

Colin Jost: Little dees? Like, decent?

Aidy Bryant: Yeah. Yeah. I wanna say decent but I’m trying to keep it like, cool and chill so I don’t come off like a shrew.

Colin Jost: Okay. So, you’re saying we kind of need to find like, a middle ground. Right?

Aidy Bryant: Yeah. Well, equal pay is the goal. But, at this point, I’d be happy to just even gain like, a couple of yards. And yes, that’s a straight up sports reference for da’ boys.

Colin Jost: Very cool. Yeah.

Aidy Bryant: All that I’m saying is if I’m going to be more like, Mark Wahlberg, then maybe Mark Wahlberg can take a little trip inside my brain. Which is just a tornado of “Are you okay? Is she okay? I’m sorry. Here’s $50.”

Colin Jost: So, you think people should act more like that?

Aidy Bryant: No, Colin. No one should act like this. It’s the prison of the mind.

Colin Jost: Well, Mark Wahlberg did announce that he is donating his salary from the reshoots to the time’s up legal fund.

Aidy Bryant: Yes. And that’s great. That’s the right thing to do. But it would be so cool if it didn’t take a week long public shaming to do the right thing. Maybe do it daily private shaming which is what I have done my entire damn life.

Colin Jost: That sounds like some very good advice, Aidy. Yes.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah. Well, to quote Kate Yeager, Mark Wahlberg’s character from Transformers, “I think we just found a transformer.” I’m sorry, that’s the wrong quote. It was, um, “You gotta have faith, Prime, in who we can be.” See, Colin? We can all be transformers.

Colin Jost: Aidy Bryant, everyone.

Aidy Bryant: I love you. I’m sorry.

Colin Jost: Don’t apologize.

Weekend Update on H&M’s “Monkey” Hoodie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of H&M logo and a sweatshirt at right top corner.]

Michael Che: H&M has apologized after using a black child to model a sweatshirt with a logo “Coolest monkey in the jungle.” Worse, the shirt was made by [Picturechanges to an asian kid wearing “saddest child in the sweatshop” sweatshirt] the saddest child in the sweatshop. I said worse.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Steve Bannon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Steve Bannon announced that he will be stepping down from Breitbart news although technically he’s not stepping down so much as he’s sliding away in a trail of mucus.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

It was reported that back in December, president Trump during the meeting in the oval office referred to a member of the staff as a ‘Pretty Korean lady’. Worse, it was Jared Kushner.