Tag: season 41

Weekend Update with Solomon

Colin Jost

Solomon… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: One of our researchers from Weekend Update told us that he was a real travel buff. So, this summer we sent him to Venice, Italy to report on the latest travel trends. Here with his report is our new travel correspondent, Solomon.

[Solomon slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Solomon: Hey Colin, how you doing, man? Michael Che, nice to see you.

Colin Jost: Welcome Solomon. So, where did you travel this summer?

Solomon: Travel? Ah, man!

Colin Jost: Well, you went to Venice right?

Solomon: Ay, well, yeah. Basically, I mean, yeah, dang! [Cut to Solomon] I ain’t go to Venice. I didn’t go man. Look man, I wanted to go, man, but the thing is it’s hard, okay? I tried to get on a bus to Italy but you know, I had no ticket. You know?

[Cut to Solomon and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. The bus to Italy?

Solomon: Ah! God damn, is that wrong? Because of the water? Coz of the ocean, you can’t do that? Oh, god damn!

Colin Jost: Solomon, we sent you a plane ticket.

Solomon: Look, my god, damn! [Cut to Solomon] It’s my sister. She gets all my mail. And you know, I lost my mailbox key coz it’s smaller than the other keys. God! Look, I feel bad about that. I get you back, how much was the ticket?

[Cut to Solomon and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It was $3,000.

Solomon: Oh, god dang. I ain’t got that, man! How about $100?

Colin Jost: Fine.

Solomon: God dang. I ain’t got that either man. Look man, I ain’t think you’d say yes.

Colin Jost: Solomon, this is your job.

Solomon: Look man, god dang! Look, you can’t fire me, okay? They about to turn my air off, okay? [Cut to Solomon] Not like, my air conditioning. Just like, all the air in my apartment, man. God damn, I got a gold fish man. He’s my best friend in the whole world. God dang!

[Cut to Solomon and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What’s your gold fish’s name?

Solomon: Man, I ain’t got no gold fish. Okay? Look, man, you can’t fire me, okay? They’re about to turn my sound off, man! [Cut to Solomon] Like, I won’t be able to hear stuff anymore. And my sister needs sound, man! Coz, you know, she can’t see so good, on account she’s been reading all my mail. You know what I mean? Plus the kids got the wing worm. I mean, god damn!

[Cut to Solomon and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, did you say your kids have wing worm?

Solomon: Man, she ain’t got no kids man. And look man, I ain’t got no sister, god dang! Look, I’ll do better next time, alright? I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Colin Jost: That’s okay. That’s alright.

Solomon: Look, but you know, could I get my check for next week today?

Colin Jost: Solomon, everyone.

Solomon: God dang, man! Come on, man!

Weekend Update Frida Santini and her Apartment

Colin Jost

Frida Santini… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new survey finds that 1 in 12 apartments in New York city are overcrowded. Here to talk about it is a woman who lives in my building, Mrs. Santini.

[Frida slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Frida: Hi Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi.

Frida: Colin, you left your shoes outside your apartment. I borrowed them. Here is one back.

[Frida hands a shoe over to Colin.]

Colin Jost: What happened to the other one?

Frida: You don’t want it. Trust me.

Colin Jost: Okay. Now, Mrs. Santini, you’re really all over our building. Now, I have to ask have you personally seen any overcrowding?

Frida: No, no, the building is great, okay? [Cut to Frida] But just one family moving up stairs, they have a little baby, a new born baby, make a little bit of noise. But its okay because you just have to write a nice note. Like this. [Cut to Frida and Colin Jost. Frida takes a note out of her pocket.] I wrote a nice note. Dear parents of Damien. [Cut to Frida] I’m so sorry that your baby is a kara lounge. This must be very hard for you but for me it’s nice. How does your baby know my favorite song? It goes like this, [makes sound of a baby crying]. This song was originally recorded by Britney Spears when someone was putting her feet first into a wood chipper. And you baby, you baby sing this song every second. So I record a Lula for your baby. It goes like this. “Be quiet! I’m gonna throw you out the window.” Anyway, thank you for keeping me up all night so I sleep through my jab the next day. Frida Santini.

[Cut to Frida and Colin Jost]

That’s a nice note!

Colin Jost: Okay.

Frida: That’s a nice note.

Colin Jost: Yeah, that’s a nice note. That’s a nice note. Well, I’m sorry you were up all night and late for work. What’s your job?

[Cut to Frida]

Frida: Oh, I am a teacher.

Colin Jost: Oh, that’s nice. What grade do you teach?

Frida: I teach my monkey how to steal in the street. Yesterday, he bring me back twentyeleven Ford Festiva. And I said, “Okay, Jeff, that’s not bad but where am I supposed to park it?” Dumb ass monkey.

[Cut to Frida and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, did you hear the smoke alarm that went off the other day in our building?

Frida: Oh, yeah, I heard that. I think it was the kids down the hall. They smoke a lot of, you know, marijuana. But it’s not a problem because you just write them a friendly note. Here, the note that I wrote to them.

[Cut to Frida. She pulls out another note out of her pocket.]

Dear cast of the movie Friday, I’m so sorry that your apartment is Banuru. It’s so sad for you that the mayor of Boulder, Colorado came to you and said, “Take everything from my city, put it on your bed and set it on fire. Now!” Thank you for making my apartment smell like Adam Darwish’s hair and for force me to use oxygen tank. I don’t mind. Frida Santini.”

[Cut to Frida and Colin Jost]

That’s a nice note. That’s a gentle, nice note.

Colin Jost: That’s a very nice note. That’s a very nice note. And yes, I didn’t realize that you need an oxygen tank?

Frida: Yes. Tomorrow I have to burn a storage unit. It’s gotta go quick. Police are after monkey.

Colin Jost: My neighbor, Friday Santini everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Frida: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of FDA logo and burnt cigarettes in an ash tray at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The FDA has launched a new hip-hop themed anti-smoking campaign aimed at black and Hispanic teenagers because they’re the FDA and they’re here to say they love to condescend in a major way.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of written American Apparel at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: American Apparel has filed for bankruptcy. If you’re not familiar with American Apparel, they’re that company that makes flyers for missing persons.

[Picture changes to a model photograph of American Apparel that looks like a girl who is kidnapped.]

[Picture changes to Justin Bieber’s nude photo. His penis is covered by a maple leaf.]

So, everybody saw Justin Bieber’s penis this week. Also, everyone felt the need to tell me about it. Like, my friend’s mom saw it and she was like, “Hey, it’s not that bad.” That seemed to be a lot of people’s reaction. You know? It wasn’t like tiny enough to be like, “Hah!” But it wasn’t also big enough to be like, “Wow!” Basically, it was n one’s first choice. Which made me think, “Wait, maybe Justin Bieber’s penis should be the new speaker of the house.” Now, I know that sounds crazy but hear me out. The speaker of the house has to appeal to everyone without truly satisfying anyone.

Michael Che: Come on, man!

Colin Jost: The only problem is I don’t know if Republicans will go for it because based on the picture, it leans a little too far to the left.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of bras hooked together and written ‘National Breast Cancer Awreness Month’.

Michael Che: How long did you look at that picture? In an effort to draw attention to national breast cancer awareness month in Minestrone, more than te10n,000 bras were hooked together and hung from a crane. Well, I do not wanna know how Minnesota celebrates black history month.

[Picture changes to Swiss flag and an old couple]

A new report says that the best place in the world for retirees is Switzerland while the worst place for retirees is still at the top of the staircase.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: And now, Weekend Update presents…

Michael Che: The Weekend Update

[Cut to a different ‘The Weekend Update ‘ intro]

Male voice: The Weeknd Update.

[Cut to The Weeknd in his dressing room sitting on a sofa. He looks at the camera, then the person behind the camera and is really confused.]

The Weeknd: Why are you here?

Male voice: This has been The Weeknd Update.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a crowd and Comic Con logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This weekend, 150,000 people are expected to attend New York’s Comic Con. Or as women refer to it, ‘Reverse Fleet Week’.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to Amazon logo]

Amazon has launched a new service called ‘Handmade’ that sells handcrafted items like those sold on Etsy. And to show there were no hard feelings, Etsy sent Amazon a home made gift.

[Picture changes to knit pillow case that has ‘Fuck You’ written on it.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chuck E. Cheese’s logo and few drinks at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Chuck E. Cheese has announced plans to revamp it’s menu and sell more beer and wine. It’s all part of their plan to help loosen up pedophiles.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kevin McCarthy at left top corner.]

Republicans this week were left scrambling to find a new speaker of the house after the representative Kevin McCarthy abruptly dropped out of the race. And who can’t blame him for not wanting the job? Look, here is a picture of current speaker of the house John Boehner [Picture changes to John Boehner] when he took off as four years ago. And here’s Boehner today. [Picture changes to a rotten pumpkin.]

Now, everyone’s first choice for the job [Picture changes to Paul Ryan] is Paul Ryan but he says he doesn’t want the job. And every other decent republican is too busy running for president. So, now, the GOP is only left with scraps. So, I thought maybe in the spirit of Halloween, they should just stitch those straps together into some kind of Frankein-speaker. [Picture changes to a face made out of different parts of different person’s faces.] And you know what? I think I know just the doctor who’s crazy enough to do it. [Picture changes to Dr. Ben Carson]

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new report, while Ben Carson was a practicing neurosurgeon, he was target of six malpractice suits including one patient who claimed Carson left a sponge in his brain. Which sounds bad, but come on, can we really trust the word of a guy that has a sponge in his brain?

Ben Carson commented on a recent mass shootings saying he never saw a body with bullet holes that was more devastating than taking away gun rights. Dr. Carson, be honest, was your medically degree given sarcastically? I’m sorry to think you’re a less of a real brain surgeon and more of a [speaking in squeaky sarcastic voice] real brain surgeon. I never thought I’d say this out loud on TV, but please America, pick anybody but the black guy.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Please.

Colin Jost: Now, the issue of gun control has been debated a lot in the news this week.

Michael Che: And Colin and I have been going back and forth on this a lot. I mean, there’s a gun for every man, woman and child in this country. I mean, what are we preparing for? A Rap beef?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a gun at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Look, I agree that we don’t need that many guns. But this country is obsessed with things that we don’t need. Okay? We don’t need a Baconator. We don’t need a beer that’s a margarita inside a beer. And we definitely don’t need our dogs to wear Halloween costumes.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a gun at right top corner.]

Michael Che: But there has to be limits Colin. I mean it’s just too easy to get one. Look, here’s a list of things that are harder to get than a gun. A driver’s license. A purple belt in karate. Kevin Hart tickets. A GED. Spray paint. I mean, come on!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a gun at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Alright, well here are things that are easier to get than a gun. Herpes.

Michael Che: Alright, why do you say that?

Colin Jost: I didn’t prepare a list. Look, you know how hard it is to limit guns? Think about how hard it was in New York to limit sodas. Bloomberg was like, “Um, maybe just drink soda out of a bucket?” And people were like, “He’s trying to take our soda buckets!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an old letter at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Which brings me to my next point, you can’t have whatever you want, alright? I know the forefather said you have the right to own a gun. But they also said you could own people. Which by the way, if I owned a whole field of jacked Africans, I’d probably want a dozen of guns too.

[Cut to Colin Jost being speechless]

Colin Jost: It’s not supposed to cut to me after that.

Michael Che: Oh, no. It is. [Cut to Michael Che] I told them to do that. Look, the constitution– [laughter and applause] I was making a point. The constitution is a lot like our grandfather. He’s wise, we love him and he means well. But, he’s getting really, really old. And every once in a while, he says something crazy and we gotta go to the other room and discuss what we’re gonna do about it.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: And look, as New Yorkers, I don’t think that we should be telling the rest of the country how to deal with guns, okay? I don’t have a gun, you don’t have a gun–

Michael Che: [interrupting] Well…

Colin Jost: Wait, you have a gun?

Michael Che: I mean…

Colin Jost: Why do you have a gun?

Michael Che: I got a lot of sneakers, Colin. I mean, what should I do? I walk home by myself man.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Derek Fisher and Matt Barnes at right top corner.]

It was revealed that New York Knicks coach Derek Fisher was attacked by Matt Barnes of the Memphis Grizzlies after Barnes learned that Fisher was dating his estranged wife. So, at least there’s one Kinck who knows how to grab rebound.

Hot for Teacher

Miss Daywart… Amy Schumer

Ricky… Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Mom… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with Hot for Teacher 8 video bumper]

[Cut to Miss Daywart sitting on teacher’s desk in the class]

Miss Daywart: Okay class, that’s all the algebra. Any questions? No? Okay, make sure you study hard this weekend. You’re dismissed.

[The students stand and leave]

But not you, Ricky. You stay. You’re in hot water.

Ricky: Oh, no. Me?

Miss Daywart: Ricky, you failed the test. I can’t believe that stunt you pulled yesterday.

[Ricky stands ]

You need to be taught a lesson. You’re suspended!

Ricky: No, please teacher. I can’t get kicked out of school. I guess I just have an attitude problem.

Miss Daywart: So, you’re saying you wanna do me for better grades? Is that right?

Ricky: I guess I’m gonna have to. School’s too hard for me.

Miss Daywart: And it’s about to get even harder.

[Miss Daywart pulls Ricky and puts him on the teacher’s desk and start touching each other.]

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Miss Daywart. Um, sorry. I know school’s over but I was wondering if we could go over today’s lesson. I’m really struggling.

Miss Daywart: What?

Aidy: Well, in the blackboard it says that we have big test tomorrow. But like, you never mentioned what was on it and I really want to ace it Miss Daywart.

Miss Daywart: Right now, I can’t teach you that. All I can do is teach this bad boy that he can’t get off so easy.

Aidy: Oh, sorry. You’re busy. I guess I’ll just… I’ll study everything. Well, thanks Miss Daywart. You’re my favorite teacher. Bye Miss Daywart. Bye Ricky.

Miss Daywart: Bye.

Ricky: Bye.

[Aidy walks out.]

[Cut to Miss Daywart and Ricky]

Miss Daywart: Now Ricky, you’re still in big trouble after that stunt you pulled yesterday. What am I gonna do with you?

Ricky: I have one idea. [Ricky opens his jacket]

Miss Daywart: Ah! I like a look of that. Now let’s get you ready for an oral exam.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in again]

Aidy: Miss Daywart. I wasn’t all the way gone yet and I heard you mention an oral exam?

Miss Daywart: What?

Aidy: Like, is that for everyone? Coz honestly, I’m really not good on my feet. Plus, it’s math so I’d really like to be able to like, work out the problem on paper.

Miss Daywart: Well, the oral exam is for Ricky only, coz he was bad.

Aidy: Whao! Ricky, two tests? That sucks. If you wanna come over later, I can help you study.

[phone vibrating]

Oh, that’s my dad calling. I think he’s trying to pick me up. Bye Miss Daywart. Bye Ricky.

Miss Daywart: Bye.

Ricky: Bye.

[Aidy walks out.]

[Cut to Miss Daywart and Ricky]

Miss Daywart: Ricky, if you are long and hard, you can be the big old dick-torian.

Ricky: I would need your help

Miss Daywart: That’s fine. I’m very hands on teacher.

Ricky: Yeah, you are.

Miss Daywart: Yeah, I am.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in again speaking on the phone]

Aidy: Wait, dad? I can’t just walk home. It’s 9 miles on the highway. Okay, I’ll ask. [hangs up the phone] Hey, Ricky, could you maybe give me a ride home? My dad’s stuck at work.

Miss Daywart: He can’t. He is in hot water. Coz he got 68 in his last test. Now I’m gonna show him how to get a 69.

Aidy: Okay, but that’s still a D+.

Miss Daywart: I love Ds.

Aidy: Okay, you’re the teacher. You know, I wanna be a teacher someday, just like you. How did you get this job?

Miss Daywart: I moved to Hollywood when I was 14 and got tricked.

Aidy: That’s so cool.

[Mom walks in]

Mom: There you are. Hi sweetheart. I’m so sorry your dad couldn’t pick you up.

Aidy: That’s okay, mom. this is my algebra teacher I was telling you about.

Mom: Oh my god, Miss Daywart, it is so nice to meet you. Now, I love you black bra. Where did you get that?

Miss Daywart: They just gave it to me and I think I have to give it back if it’s salvageable.

Mom: That is so nice. You know, I was worried about sending my daughter to this new school because it’s just an office building. But she really likes it.

Aidy: Yeah.

Miss Daywart: Well, I like to discipline bad boys and I like to ride them hard.

Mom: That is great. You know, that’s how they’re gonna get into the good colleges.

Miss Daywart: Oh, Ricky’s about to go to FU.

Mom: Fordham University? I went there. Go Rams.

Miss Daywart: Get rammed!

Aidy: Okay, mom. Let’s go. Bye Miss Daywart. Bye Ricky.

[Cut to Aidy and Mom]

Mom: You know, that Ricky is cute.

Aidy: Well, from far away he’s okay, but up close he’s pretty busted.

[Aidy and Mom leave]

[Cut to Miss Daywart and Ricky]

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Miss Daywart: Oh yeah.

[The End]

Hands Free Selfie Stick

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Venessa Bayer

Amy Schumer

[Starts with Aidy taking a selfie in Time Square city street.]

Aidy: We’ve all been there. It’s your first trip to New York city and you got your perfect Time Square selfie all lined up. And your big melon takes up the whole photo. Fail! What to do?

[Cut to Kyle walking in a park with his phone attached to a selfie-stick.]

Kyle: I’ll tell you what. You need the original selfie-stick.

[Cut to Aidy taking a group selfie using a selfie-stick]

Aidy: Get in here, you guys.

[Other three people join Kyle as well.]

Aidy: This thing is great, but my arm’s getting really tired and I wish I didn’t have to hold it up the whole time.

[Cut to Venessa in the park]

Venessa: Got you covered, girlfriend. Take a gander at the new hands-free selfie-stick.

[Cut to Kyle setting up the hands-free selfie-stick on Aidy.]

Aidy: Hands-free?

[Venessa walks in]

Venessa: That’s right. With this, you won’t have to hold it at all.

Aidy: Awesome.

[Aidy turns around. The hands-free selfie-stick is stuck into Aidy’s butt hole at the back and comes all the way to the front over her head.]

Venessa: Now, you’re in total control.

Aidy: It’s really, really up in my bott.

Kyle: It sure is!

Venessa: Try it!

[Cut to Kyle walking around using the hands-free selfie-stick.

Female voice: Using it is easy. When you want to take a picture, just cling.

[cut to Amy walking with a hands-free selfie-stick on]

Amy: I love it. I never leave home without it.

[Venessa walks in]

Venessa: Smile.

Amy: Why?

Venessa: So you’ll look cute in the picture.

Amy: It takes pictures? How? [Amy clings]Oh, that’s how.

[Cut to Aidy and Amy taking selfies using hands-free selfie-stick.]

[Cut to Aidy, Kyle, Venessa and Amy with the hands-free selfie-stick on]

Venessa: Free up your creativity, with the original hands-free selfie-stick.

Kyle: it’s the best.

Amy: I can barely feel it anymore

Aidy: Smile!

Female voice: The hands-free selfie-stick!

Guns

Amy Schumer

Kenan Thomspon

Jay Pharoah

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Venessa Bayer

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Sasheer Zamata

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Amy waiting for someone in a restaurant]

Female voice: Whatever you’re waiting for

[Cut to Kenan and Jay sitting together and reading a book]

Whatever you face.

[Cut to Beck staying late at office]

[Cut to Kyle looking around alone in the party]

Whatever you’re looking for.

[Cut to Bobby and Venessa in a taxi. Venessa is pregnant.]

There are things that we share.

[Cut to Amy. Taran arrives and gives Amy a present and sits next to her.]

Love.

[Cut to Kenan and Jay]

Family.

[Cut to Beck. Aidy is comforting Beck]

Connection.

[Cut to Kyle. He walks up to Sasheer and talks to her]

Kyle: Hey.

Sasheer: Hey.

[Cut to Kate running]

Female voice: A sense of purpose.

[Cut to a taxi parking at the hospital. Bobby is getting Venessa out.]

[Cut to Amy opening her present. There’s a gun inside.]

And also, guns.

Taran: You like it?

Amy: I love it.

[Cut to Kenan and Jay. Kenan has a gun in his hand.]

Female voice: Guns are there.

[Cut to Kate running with a gun.]

In lighter moments,

[Cut to Venessa getting out of the taxi with a big fun]

and big ones. When things fall apart.

[Cut to Beck and Aidy. Beck has his gun disassembled.]

Or it comes all together.

[Cut to a gun rotating on a table. As it stops Kyle and Sasheer kiss.]

[Cut to Kenan and Jay]

They unite us.

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Comfort us.

[Bobby is pushing Venessa on a wheelchair while Venessa is pointing a big gun at the hospital counter.]

Bring us joy.

[Aidy assembles Beck’s gun and they hug out.]

And strength.

[Cut to Kate running and shooting at sky.]

From first loves,

[Cut to Kyle and Sasheer shooting guns at a shooting star]

to new beginnings,

[Cut to Venessa holding a baby and Bobby is handing a small gun to the baby.]

wherever life takes you.

[Cut to Amy and Taran sleeping. Amy has a gun gun in her hand.]

Guns, we’re here to stay.

FOX & Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Taran Killam

Elisabeth Hasselbeck… Venessa Bayer

Brian Kilmeade… Bobby Moynihan

Jason Chaffetz… Pete Davidson

Debbie Wasserman Schultz… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with FOX & friends intro]

Female voice: You’re watching FOX & friends.

[Cut to Steve, Elisabeth and Brian in their set]

[cheers and applause]

Steve: Welcome back to FOX & friends. I’m Steve Doocy. And with me is usual Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Brian Kilmeade.

Elisabeth: Hi there.

Brian: Good morning.

Steve: Well, congress is having a few problems.

Elisabeth: What else is new?

Brian: Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Ha-ha-ha. that’s so true. Now that representative Kevin McCarthy has withdrawn from the race for house speaker, the position is wide open.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Well, I don’t know why they don’t let them all speak.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Now, here’s something interesting actually. Um, you know that the speaker doesn’t actually have to be a member of congress? It can be anybody. Folks have thrown our names like Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Oh, I don’t know about him. That’s the man who stole Christmas.

[Cut to all]

Elisabeth: You know, I’d love to see Tim Tibow.

Steve: Oh, solid. Solid! What about Buzz Aldrin?

Elisabeth: Wow. That’s a real hero.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Yeah. Yeah. He is great in all three toy story movies. May I make a suggestion quickly?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Sure Brian.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: May I humbly nominate the great president Ronald Regan for speaker of the house? I met Mr. Regan recently in Orlando, Florida at his home in the magnificent hall of presidence, and even though he had many visitors, he took the time to talk to me, Brian Kilmeade.

[Cut to Elisabeth and Brian]

Elisabeth: Brian. Brian!

Brian: Just crazy.

Elisabeth: I think you are in Disney World.

Brian: Whoo! Good think you warned me. That place is full of pirates.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Um, well, one person who has thrown his name out there for speaker is the congressman from Utah, Mr. Jason Chaffetz. He’s a little young but he feels he’s ready. [Cut to Jason Chaffetz in his office] And Mr. Chaffetz joins us now. Hello there.

Jason Chaffetz: Hey, Steve. Great to be on TV.

[Cut to split screen of Steve and Jason Chaffetz]

Steve: Ha-ha-ha. Now, Mr. Chaffetz, you’re a rising star after your bold showing at the planned parenthood hearings.

Jason Chaffetz: Oh, thanks. You see those? I talked more than anybody.

[Elisabeth appears at the place of Steve]

Elisabeth: Yeah, you sure did. And did you know that as speaker, you’d be third in line for the presidency?

[Jason Chaffetz freezes]

Jason Chaffetz: For real?

Elisabeth: Yea, it’s true.

Jason Chaffetz: Wow, that’s amazing. But you know what? I’m ready, I’m able, I’m gonna win this thing.

Elisabeth: We’ve heard that Paul Ryan might run.

Jason Chaffetz: Oh. [thinks for a moment] Okay, I’m gonna lose this thing. That guy is a lot more qualified than me. He can bench like, 150. Sorry for wasting your time.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Hey, not a problem. Well, this stems from the republican effort to defund planned parenthood.

[Cut to all]

Elisabeth: Those videos are shocking. Did you know that they’re selling baby parts on snapchat.

Steve: It’s outrageous.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Well, I saw the video and it is stomach turning. I mean, the way that rat dragged that baby down the stairs. Disgusting.

[Cut to all]

Steve: No, no, Brian. You’re talking about pizza rat again.

[Brian is laughing hard]

Brian: Well, I just love em’. I wish I had me some flour pizza.

Steve: We know, you say it all the time. Joining us now, is a woman who has been shame fully defunding planned parenthood. [Cut to Debbie Wasserman Schultz in her office] Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Hi, Steve, Elisabeth, Brian. It’s a pleasure to not be there in person.

[Cut to split screen of Elisabeth and Debbie Wasserman Schultz]

Elisabeth: Debbie, are you really defending an organization that sells babies the way that KFC sells chicken?

[Debbie Wasserman Schultz is yawning]

Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Elisabeth, you know that’s not true. Let me ask you Elisabeth, do you want to get into a legal battle with a woman named Debbie Wasserman Schultz? My name sounds like a law firm.

Elisabeth: Okay, Debbie, there is no need to–

Debbie Wasserman Schultz: You really wanna take on planned parenthood, Elizabeth? I will put all three of your heads in mammogram machine and squish em’ like pancakes and serve them.

[Steve appears in place of Elisabeth]

Steve: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Debbie, you’re being hysterical.

Debbie Wasserman Schultz: I will smack your upside the head with a transvaginal wand. Wasserman Schultz does not play around. Have you considered what might happen when you mess with millions of women? You know when a bachelorette party walks into a bar, it just blows the place up. It’s gonna be like that. But instead of a bar, it’s America. We’re organized, we’re pissed, and we’re all looking for a pap smear. Wasserman out!

[Cut to the Steve, Elisabeth and Brian. Brian is clapping.]

Brian: Yayyy! Yayyy!

Elisabeth: Brian, please!

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: I’m sorry. I always agree with whoever is the loudest.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Alright, you know what? Why don’t we take a break? But before we go, we’ve got a quick list of corrections from our first hour.

[music playing]

[Corrections appear on the screen like post credits.]

Corrections: iPads are not “just for women.”

Bernie Sanders is not the founder of KFC.

Tom Hanks did not play Martin Luther King in Selma.

There is no emoji for “illegal immigrant.”

Magic Johnson is not a warlock

Safeway is a supermarket chain, not the slang word for abstinence.

Sneezing is not an effective form of birth control.

“Pac Man Fever” did not kill 400,000 children in the 80s.

Jewish people do exist.

Billy Bush is not a presidential candidate.

“Kokomo” is a Beach Boys song; “Guantanamo” is a US detention came.

Twins are not the result of group sex.

The black Market is not where African-Americans buy their produce

Obama is not a former member of Jodeci

Charles Schultz didn’t die from a Peanuts allergy

People who are colorblind can see Tom Green

John Stamos isn’t the Greek God of Yogurt

Ronald Reagan’s heart is not at the bottom of a volcano

On Fridays during Lent, Catholics can still listen to Meatloaf

Donald Trump has no plans to deport Speedy Gonzalez

SeaWorld is not a Kevin Costner movie.

Muslims are allowed to be girls.

King Cobras are not elected.

Mass shootings are not necessarily only on Massachusetts.

The water on Mars isn’t bottled.

An IUD does not explode inside of a woman.

Obama’s oldest daughter is named Malia, not Syria

Bernie Sanders not related to Santa Claus

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: We’ll see you after this quick break. And…

[Elisabeth and Steve come in]

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

City Council Meeting

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Jan Krang… Aidy Bryant

MC Strategy… Kyle Mooney

Gary Lumus… Kenan Thompson

Baby… Amy Schumer

Caren… Leslie Jones

Rick… Pete Davidson

[Starts with City Council Meeting]

Bobby: Alright. Motion to put a stop sign on Walnut Avenue passes.

Cecily: And we now begin the Baker’s Field citizens forum and invite members of the community to the podium.

[Cut to Jan walking to the podium]

Jan: My name is Jan Krang.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Ms. Krang. Can you pull back from the microphone?

Jan: No! [Cut to Jan] I cannot. My grievance is with the teens who loiter in the Zappy’s lazer tag parking lot at night. They do wheelie, they smoke e-cigarettes, they dry hump in their cars. Now, I know they’re doing it because I can hear the sound of the denim on the denim.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Have you contacted Zappy’s management?

[Cut to Jan]

Jan: Hundreds of times. And they have blocked my number. Now, all in favor of having Zappy’s parking lot bull-do say, “Yes, yes!”

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Um, Ms. Krang, we’re not voting on that. I suggest you file a formal noise complaint with the sheriff’s department.

[Cut to Jan]

Jan: Jan Krang, J-A-N K-rang.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Yea, we have your name. Thank you miss Krang. Yess, hello sir.

[cut to the podium. Jan leaves and MC Strategy walks to it.]

MC Strategy: [speaking with an accent] Hello, my name is MC Strategy of the Mythic Insight’s crew. I recently moved here from Holland because of the underground hip-hop community here. I want to make sure that musical act you fired for the fall carnival is not mainstream making cream, all about the money, fake MCs with store bought flows. May I suggest MC Strategy performs. The realist MC.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: The city events committee handles  the fall carnival. You can contact them through the city’s website.

[Cut to MC Strategy]

MC Strategy: Thank you for being part of the movement. Real hip-hop.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Yes. You’re very welcome. Yes, the man in the Halloween themed tie.

[Cut to Gary. He’swearing Halloween tie and his jacket has a pumpkin on it’s right patch.]

Gary: Well, that’s me, scary Gary Lumus. As you know, the 31st of this month is all hallow’s eve where goons and goblins take to the streets for the spookiest nights. My question is, may I shut down 10 city blocks near my home for the march of 10 frights?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: What is the march of 10 frights?

[Cut to Gary]

Gary: A goolish parade of 400 freaky friends, ghosties, mummies, pumpkin people, and a host of haunts all armed with ooze cannons marches through the streets, singing a goolish chorus. It will truly be a fright… [Gary shows his hands. They’re hugs green and best like.] to remember. Monster hands!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Yes, I see that. I’m sorry Mr. Lumus but we cannot close major streets for private events. Thank you. Yes, hello, the little girl. Hi there.

[Cut to Baby.]

Baby: Hello. My name is Amy Berry Willer Schumer and I’m this many years old. [showing six fingers] Praise our lord Jesus Christ. He’s the best.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Aren’t you adorable. Do you have a question for us?

[Cut to Baby]

Baby: Yes, babe. I was wondering if you could make recess longer at school.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Aw! I think that’s up to your school, sweetheart. Anything else?

[Cut to Baby]

Baby: Yes! I wanna be allowed to bring my firearm to school.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: You own a gun?

[Cut to Baby]

Baby: Yes, sir. A bunch. A very pro life. Also, could we make bible class to Jesus’s teacher. Also, could you pass a federal mandate to ban all gay marriage? It’s not natural. It’s not natural.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Okay. Okay. You’re freaking me out, so we’re gonna move on. Um, yes, hello ma’am. You.

[Cut to Caren on the podium]

Caren: Hello. Okay, you can do this Caren. My name is Caren and I’m an alcoholic.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Oh, you know what? This isn’t– that’s not what this is.

[Cut to Caren]

Caren: Please don’t interrupt me. This is difficult for me. I’ve been sober now for 20 minutes. I decided to seek help because I was drinking on a job which was affecting my performance as a school bus driver.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Ma’am. This is not an alcoholic synonymous meeting. They meet here  on Wednesday nights.

[Cut to Caren]

Caren: For real? Man, I thought this was Wednesday.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Okay, someone find out what school she works in. Alright, hello there, young man.

[Cut to Rick on the podium]

Rick: Wad up? I’m Rick. Um, you guys see Bieber’s dong?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Did.. Did.. Did we see Justin Bieber’s dong?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was… It was alright, right?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily. Bobby is nodding his head and smiling]

Bobby: Yeah. I thought it was pretty good.

Cecily: I’m sorry. Do you have a question that pertains to a city related issue?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: No. I do not. Peace!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Great! Well, that concludes the citizen’s forum. After party at Zappy’s guys? I think that would be a great idea.

[The End]

Baby Shower

Sasheer Zamata

Teresa .. Venessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Jessie… Amy Schumer

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with ladies having a Baby shower]

Sasheer: How far long are you, Teresa ? You look like your’e about to pop.

Teresa: Ah, we think two months. We haven’t been keeping count.

Sasheer: What?

Teresa: We don’t really know how it works and we don’t believe in doctors. We’re just kind of winging it.

Sasheer: Cool.

[Aidy walks n]

Aidy: Okay, everybody. Let’s get this baby shower started.

[All the ladies sit down]

So I’ve got paper and pen so we can play some fun shower games.

[Jessie walks in]

Jessie: Okay, so fun. Where should I sit? I know I’m not invited. I don’t wanna make, like, everybody annoyed.

[Jessie takes a seat in between Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: She can sit next to me, right? She’s my best friend. It’s okay that I brought Jessie, right?

[Cut to Teresa]

Teresa: Yeah, I guess I didn’t say not to do it. So…

[Cut to everybody]

Jessie: Oh, okay. Good. I just like, don’t wanna take away your day or whatever.

[Cut to Aidy and Sasheer]

Aidy: So, how do you two know each other?

[cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, she bartends at the bar I spend all my nights in.

Jessie: Yeah. We became best friends.

Cecily: Yeah, Jessie totally has my back.

Jessie: Coz she used to order like, rail vodka and I was like, “Oh, Absolute.” Hello, right?

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Well, why don’t you start opening your gifts?

[Cut to everybody]

Teresa: Okay, alright. [picks up a present] Oh, the wrapping is so cute.

Cecily: Wait, wait, wait. I wanna take a picture. Let me get my purse.

[Cecily walks away to get her purse]

[Teresa is opening the present]

Jessie: Wait! Hold on! She’s getting her purse.
[Cecily walks back]

Cecily: Jessie, my purse is gone.

Jessie: What? What do you mean? Like, your purse is like, completely gone?

Cecily: Yeah.

Jessie: Okay, so someone took it.

Cecily: What? I don’t know.

Kate: No, no. I’m sure no one took it.

Jessie: No, if it’s not there then yes, someone took it.

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Sasheer: Can she open her present now?

Cecily: Did someone took my purse?

[Cut to Kate, Jessie and Cecily]

Jessie: No, someone took it. You don’t move a purse. You take it.

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Sasheer: What?

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Cecily: You guys, everything is fine. I’m not mad. Just please tell me where it is.

Jessie: And then, maybe explain why you took it because like, she deserves answers?

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Aidy: Well, I’m sure it’s here somewhere.

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Cecily: Then where is it?

Jessie: Okay, don’t freak out. Nobody is leaving here. And if it turns out that one of them took it, they will pay.

[Cut to everybody]

Does that sound okay with everybody? Is that cool?

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Sasheer: No one took your purse.

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Jessie: Okay, can someone write down that she just said that in case we need it?

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: I just want my purse.

Kate: It’s here somewhere. I know it’s here.

[Jessie stares at Kate furiously]

Aidy: You know what? Let’s just play a baby shower game and have some fun.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: Fine! I’ll shut the hell up.

Jessie: No, like, your friends are ridiculous right now.

Aidy: Okay, so everybody take a marker and write down a baby name. And then, Teresa has to guess who wrote what name.

[Everybody takes a paper and writes on it]

[Cut to Teresa]

Teresa: This is fun. This will be great.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Okay, Teresa, pick one.

Teresa: Okay. Okay.

[Cut to Teresa]

First name is… [picks up a paper] did you take my purse. Are you serious?

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Jessie: Yes, answer the question.

Cecily: [sobbing] Guys, please, my purse has everything in it. Just give me my purse.

Jessie: What was in there, sweetie? Tell them what’s in your purse?

Cecily: My parent’s address and information. My passport and I’m going to Mexico in a month. My UTI medics and my heart burn pills.

Jessie: No, keep going. Tell them what they took from you.

Cecily: My phone charger and my sunglasses and my norse.

Jessie: Your norse? Wait, they took your norse?

Cecily: Yes, they took it all and everything else.

[Cut to everybody]

Jessie: You know what? I can’t stand it. [Jessie throws everything on the table away] God damn, you people! Everybody get up!

[Everybody gets up]

Get up, I don’t care if you’re pregnant. Get up!

[Jessie starts throwing stuffs here and there]

Teresa: What are you doing?

Jessie: Look, I don’t care if you guys like me. I’m never gonna see any of you again. I don’t care if you think I’m a bitch coz I wont’ see you unless you come into my bar. And if you come in and you don’t tip 20%, guess what? Your ass is getting kicked out.

Sasheer: Wait, is that your purse right under where your friend was sitting?

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily looking at the purse]

Jessie: Oh, my god. Check it. Is that your purse?

Cecily: Ah! This is it.

Jessie: Wait! Make sure everything’s in it, because if even one thing’s missing, I’m calling the police.

Cecily: It’s all here.

Jessie: God! Okay, so you guys clean up. I’m gonna use the upstairs bathroom and let’s get this shower back on track!

Cecily: Woo-hoo!

[The End]