Tag: Season 44

Weekend Update: Guy Who Just Bought a Boat’s Respectful Valentine’s Day Tips | Season 44 Episode 12

Guy Who Just Bought a Boat… Alex Moffat

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Valentine’s day is next week. But these days it can be tricky to navigate the early stages of romance without crossing any lines. Here with his respectful dating tips is, Guy Who Just Bought a Boat.

[Guy Who Just Bought a Boat joins Colin Jost]

Guy Who Bought a Boat: Hello. This is how we cupid. Haha. Little jokecino. This is now we cupid. Top of the $metoo to you two. Ha-ha. It’s muaah! I’m here to teach you how to score some Giney while keeping your tiny hiney on this side of the liney.

Colin Jost: Giney?

Guy Who Bought a Boat: First T-I-P, [Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat] if you want to please that tease, don’t be skeeze. Treat her the way you’d treat a man who could give you something. AKA, with respect.  I have a small penis. And fellas, women live in a dangerous world. Okay? Last week, I went on a date with a girl and five mins into din-din she gets a call that her roommate was on fire, she had to split, supes trag.

[Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. That sounds like she made that up to get away from you.

Guy Who Bought a Boat: Hey! Believe women. #metoo. Centimeters rock hard, three flaccid.

Colin Jost: Wait, wait, it gets smaller?

Guy Who Bought a Boat: No, fellas, if you want to make your date like the decimal system—uh, Dewey. [Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat] Listen for those all importantante non-verby que-queues. Things like frowing, doing the thumbs down. Repeatedly saying ‘I want to go home’. God, cursed me with a bad dog. That’s hog. Tip numbero douche, make sure she is of age, like, legit league. Because you can’t spell ‘Cupid’ without the ‘See, I.D.’? You must be at least this old to ride this ride. It’s a small world. Now, let’s talk gift suites.

[Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. These are respectful dating tips?

Guy Who Bought a Boat: Wow, and that was man-xplaining.

Colin Jost: No, I actually don’t think it was.

Guy Who Bought a Boat: Okay. Your breast bet for getting a heart shaved box [Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat] is a heart shaped box. We’re talking rusty stoves, your go dives, your lili trus—That’s Lindt Lindor Truffles. Try and keep up. Remember, choco leads to taco. [Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat and Colin Jost] I feel sick and bad all the time. And speaking of taco, [Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat] bring your passports, boys, because at the end of the noche, it’s time to go south o’the border. And before long she’ll be showing you her o face. AS in, “O–kay, I’ll be doing it myself after you leave.”

[Cut to Guy Who Just Bought a Boat and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, at least you’re reciprocating. That seems like progress for you.

Guy Who Bought a Boat: Hey. What’s got three thumbs and respects chicks now? [Pointing at himself] This guy.

Colin Jost: Three? Oh, god. Guy Who Just Bought a Boat, everyone.

Guy Who Bought a Boat: See you on Bumble!

Colin Jost: For ‘Weekend Update’, I’m Colin Jost.

[Michael Che joins them]

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

Weekend Update: Nico Slobkin and Brie Bacardi | Season 44 Episode 12

Michael Che

Nico Slobkin… Mikey Day

Bri Bacardi… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Valentine’s day is next week. Here with some romantic date ideas are Instagram couple Nico Slobkin and Bri Bacardi.

[Nico and Bri join Michael Che]

Bri Bacardi: Hi Michael.

Nico Slobkin: What’s up Che? How you doing?

Michael Che: Yeah. So you guys run a joint Instagram account for your relationship?

Bri Bacardi: Yeah. You can find us [Cut to Nico and Bri] on Instagram @OnceUponASnuggle, where we post pics of our love, like this one. [Cut to an Instagram picture of Nico and Bri on a couch] We captioned it, ‘I hope this is how we die, #inlove #alivenow.

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Bri]

Nico Slobkin: Oh yeah.

Michael Che: That’s great. So what date ideas do you have for our viewers?

[Cut to Nico and Bri]

Nico Slobkin: Well, first –

Bri Bacardi: so for–

Nico Slobkin: Oh, I’m sorry.

Bri Bacardi: Are you going to talk first?

Nico Slobkin: I thought I was, but you can, babe.

Bri Bacardi: Oh, no, I’m fine.

Nico Slobkin: Okay, are you mad? [Bri just shakes her head slightly] Baby, please do not do this. Do not be mad right now.

Bri Bacardi: I’m not mad.

Nico Slobkin: Please do not be mad right now.

Bri Bacardi: I’m not mad. I’m not doing anything. Go!

Nico Slobkin: Okay. So on V-day, we recommend you re-visit the spot where you had your first date. Which for us was Buca Di Peppo. And we ordered remember babe? Spaghetti and mead –

Bri Bacardi: Fries? I don’t know. [Bri looks away]

Nico Slobkin: Okay. Mead-fries? Baby, why are you mad?

Bri Bacardi: I am not mad!

Nico Slobkin: Why are you mad?

Bri Bacardi: I am not mad. You’re the one who is trying to look cool in front of your news boys.

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Bri]

Michael Che: We’re not his news boys.

Nico Slobkin: Can you just not be mad right now? Okay? I’m on SNL. I just saw Halsey in the hallway.

[Cut to Nico and Bri]

Bri Bacardi: All right, be with Halsey. [Bri stands and tries to walk away. Nico holds her.]

Nico Slobkin: I don’t want to be with Halsey!

Bri Bacardi: Okay!

Nico Slobkin: Why do you do this?

[Bri sits and continues to argue]

Bri Bacardi: Then prove it, okay? Win me back.

Nico Slobkin: How do I do that?

Bri Bacardi: I don’t know. Be spontaneous. Make me laugh.

Nico Slobkin: Make you– ? I don’t know. [Scottish accent] Hey, donkey!

[Bri starts laughing]

Bri Bacardi: Ha-ha, he did Shrek! Oh my god, he did Shrek. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Bri]

Michael Che: How long have you guys been together?

Bri Bacardi: We got together in first grade.

Michael Che: Maybe you should consider taking a break?

Nico Slobkin: Never! When you know, you know, you know?

Michael Che: So you revisit your first date spot.

Nico Slobkin: Yes.

Bri Bacardi: Yes. Can I talk now?

[Cut to Nico and Bri]

Nico Slobkin: Oh, my god, you’re being crazy.

Bri Bacardi: Oh my god!

Nico Slobkin: You’re still mad.

Bri Bacardi: Oh my god! Okay, will you not call me crazy because I’m not crazy.

Nico Slobkin: You can be quiet right now. Shh. Oh, my god, whatever! This sucks. Just go.

Bri Bacardi: I am not crazy. I am not crazy.

Nico Slobkin: Just go! Just go!

Bri Bacardi: Okay, okay. And real mature, you are in your hat hole.

Nico Slobkin: I’m just sitting here and you attack me.

Bri Bacardi: I am not attacking you. I am not crazy.

Nico Slobkin: Oh go on.

Bri Bacardi: I am sorry that I’m not Halsey.

Nico Slobkin: Oh my god, I’m sorry I’m not Ryan. She slept with my friend Ryan. She slept with my friend Ryan. She slept with my friend Ryan. She slept with my friend on my birthday.

Bri Bacardi: I was buzzed!

Nico Slobkin: Yep.

Bri Bacardi: I was buzzed. I was buzzed.

Nico Slobkin: I cannot do this.

Bri Bacardi: Oh my god, you can’t do this? Are you breaking up with me?

Nico Slobkin: I don’t know because it’s weird. I don’t know.

Bri Bacardi: Are you breaking up– okay, okay. I can fix this. I can fix this. [singing] You are my fire, my one desire. Believe when I say, that I love you Nico.

Nico Slobkin: You’re so talented, I love you, baby.

[Cut to Michael, Nico and Bri]

Michael Che: Nico and Bri, everybody.

Bri Bacardi: Love wins!

Black History Presentation

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Ego Nwodim

Chris Redd

Kyle Moony

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Kenan and Leslie on SNL stage presenting]

Kenan Thompson: Since this is the first show during black history month, we wanted to take a moment to talk about some of the great African-American entertainers who have contributed to the legacy of “Saturday Night Live.”

Leslie Jones: From Garrett Morris to Eddie Murphy to Ellen Cleghorn and so many more. Representing black culture has always been a part of Saturday Nighe Live’s DNA.

[Ego Nwodim and Chris Redd join Kenan and Leslie]

Ego Nwodim: Whether is was Billy Preston’s musical performance in the first episode.

Chris Redd: Or Richard Pryor’s unforgettable job hosting in season one.

[Kyle Mooney joins everybody. Everybody is shocked he’s on the stage.]

Kyle Mooney: Saturday Night Live made it clear that good comedy is color blind.

Kenan Thompson: Hey, what’s up, Kyle?

Kyle Mooney: Hey guys, I just wanted to lend my support.

Kenan Thompson: Well, thank you Kyle.

Leslie Jones: Thanks buddy.

Kenan Thompson: So, from all of us–

Kyle Mooney: [Interrupting Kenan] I’m not saying that because it’s the month. I really meant it.

Leslie Jones: We know you do.

Kyle Mooney: If it was up to me this would be much earlier in the show. It sickens me that they buried it like this.

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. We gotcha, bro. Thank you. So, to sum it up–

Kyle Mooney: [Interrupting Kenan] Real quick, did you know African-American contributions to entertainment didn’t start with ‘Saturday Night Live’?

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, we know.

Kyle Mooney: Actors like Sydney Poitier and Harry Belafonte changed the way people thought of movie stars. ‘To Sir, With Love’ was one of the best movies of the 60s. I haven’t seen that one TCM lately. Huh, I wonder why.

Kenan Thompson: Buddy, buddy, no, no!

[Kyle Mooney moves in front of everyone]

Kyle Mooney: You see, America was surprised to see a black leading man, but we always knew what we were capable of.

Leslie Jones: Did you say me? He said we?

Kyle Mooney: Chicago, 1922. Louis Armstrong joins Kind Oliver’s Creole jazz band and American toes haven’t stopped tapping since.

Chris Redd: Oh, he crazy.

[Beck Bennett joins everybody]

Beck Bennett: Oh Carl, what are you doing man?

Ego Nwodim: Thank you Beck. Please get your man.

Beck Bennett: Yeah, of course Kyle, hearing you talk, you think all African-American trial blazers were male. Hattie McDaniel took home the Oscar for  for ‘Gone With the Wind’ In 1940. Any plans to mention that?

Kyle Mooney: Maybe after I mentioned Ella Gordon who started the first African-American school for dance in 1919.

Beck Bennett: Wow, overlook Katherine Dunham much?

Kyle Mooney: Lena Horne.

Beck Bennett: Nina Simone.

Kyle Mooney: Beverly Johnson.

Chris Redd: Okay, who’s Beverly Johnson?

Leslie Jones: Really? You’re going to help them.

Kenan Thompson: Guys, it really means the world to use that you googled all of those names.

Beck Bennett: And memorized them.

Leslie Jones: But it sounds like you learned all that stuff just to impress your black friends?

Beck Bennett: Oh my god, did you hear that?

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, we have black friends. [Beck and Kyle leave with excitement]

Leslie Jones: Idiots.

Kenan Thompson: Well, thank you Kyle and second dummy.

Leslie Jones: Yes, thank you.

Kenan Thompson: But seriously, it’s an honor to stand on this day. Thanks to all the people who stood here before us. So happy black history month to everybody.

Leslie Jones: It’s going to be better tomorrow.

Kenan Thompson: Indeed.

Weekend Update: Apple Introduces Disability Emojis | Season 44 Episode 12

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of apple logo at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Apple has introduced a new line of emojis to represent people with disabilities, such as person in a wheelchair [Picture changes to person in a wheelchair emoji] or someone who is deaf [Picture changes to deaf person emoji], or the governor of Virginia [Picture changes to black face emoji].

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of red heart shape and a cockroach at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: A zoo in Texas has launched a valentine’s day promotion, let’s people get revenge on their ex’s by naming a cockroach after them and then feeding the cockroach to meerkat. That will show them they were right to break up with you. [Picture changes to a flying airplane with ‘Delta’ logo] Delta airlines has introduced a new plane that features windows in the bathrooms. Unfortunately, they face into the cabin.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a lion at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: A Colorado man who was attacked by a mountain lion survived after he fought off and killed the animal. Meanwhile, today I took an Uber three blocks so I wouldn’t crease my new sneakers. [Picture changes to a nursing home and a ticket of bingo game] A massive brawl broke out in a Canadian nursing home after a 79 year old woman took an 86 year old’s seat at their bingo game. It’s the first brawl that began with everyone in a critical condition.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Drake, Kendrick Lamar and Childish Gambino at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: There was report that Drake, Kendrick Lamar and Childish Gambino have all turned down offers to perform at the Grammy’s over the complaints of the recording academy is not that enough to diversify the membership. In fact the academy’s blackest member is Virginia Governor [Picture changes to Ralph Northam] Ralph Northam. [Picture changes to picture map of Indiana and a leaf of marijuana] A mother in Indiana was arrested after students at an elementary school were exposed to marijuana-laced gummies that she had brought to the school. Teachers became suspicious at recess when the kids tried to sync up ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ with ‘Paw Patrol’.  [Picture changes to a police car and cuffed hands] Police arrested a man after he pulled his car at the side of the road and started having with it. That man, you guessed it, [Picture changes to Matthew Mcconnaughey] Matthew Mcconnaughey.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a strip pole and an electrical meter at the right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: A stripper at a club in Florida was arrested after she got into a fight with another dancer. Then she ripped the entire electrical meter off the wall. Providing once again my old theory – cocaine makes you strong.

Maurice | Season 44 Episode 8

Son… Chris Redd

Margaret… Leslie Jones

Maurice… Kenan Thompson

Daughter… Ego Nwodim

Christine… Halsey

Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a family having dinner at an expensive restaurant]

Son: Dad, thanks for taking us out to dinner. But this looks a little expensive.

Margaret: Yes, Maurice. This is too much. [Cut to Margaret and Maurice] You just got laid off.

Maurice: Well, I’m resourceful Margaret. I’m not worried about that. I’ve been freelancing.

[Cut to Daughter, Christine and Son]

Daughter: A freelance mailman?

Alex Moffat: Hey, I was at the bar and I just wanted to say [Cut to Maurice, Margaret and Alex] I’m a really big fan.

Maurice: Well, that is very sweet.

Alex Moffat: Thanks for keeping us guessing.

Maurice: You’re welcome. I like to keep it fresh. [Alex leaves]

Margaret: Maurice. Where does that man know you from?

Maurice: Well, from my new side gig, I got a cam fans only account.

[Cut to Son and Christine]

Christine: Cam fans only? Sir, I don’t think you are thinking of the right thing.

Son: Yeah, dad. That’s like an amateur porn subscription site.

Christine: Sir, cam fans only is for thirsty gays who spread their butt cheeks online for like 10 bucks a month.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Yeah, that’s the one. You guys, get this garlic bread away from me. You know how I get.

[Cut to Son and Christine]

Son: Hold on! Dad, you’re saying that you shake your booty for a bunch of dudes online?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Well no, I don’t shake. I present. Yeah. That site makes me feel beautiful and in control of my body.

Margaret: Maurice, you show your ass just for just $10 a month?

Maurice: Well, I got 10,000 plus subscribers Margaret, and they each pay $10.

Margaret: $10,000? [Cut to everybody][Margaret starts to calculate] Wait a minute, let me see how much it is. That’s 10 plus. No, 10 times—[Margaret is shocked by the result] ooh! You kids need to be more supportive of your daddy’s small business.

[Cut to Son and Christine]

Christine: You don’t care that your Maurice is exposing himself for money?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice. Kyle Mooney walks to Maurice.]

Kyle Mooney: Hey. I loved how you sat on that cake real slow. But then edit it so it looked even slower.

Maurice: Thank you, very much, but I am having dinner with my family. So we would like little privacy.

Margaret: But we appreciate your subscription. Tell your friends.

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Christine: Okay, hold on. What’s your user name on this thing. Like, hungry bottom? Thirsty bottom? Maybe daddy bubble butt?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: It’s Maurice Abraham Henderson.

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Daughter: Where do you even do this?

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Mostly on the kitchen counter.

Margaret: Wait a minute, Maurice. We just got new counters.

Maurice: Well that’s why I put down a towel.

Margaret: Which one? Which towel Maurice?

Maurice: The red one.

Margaret: Oh, Maurice. That’s my good dish towel. I’ve been drying my dishes with your ass towel?

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Christine: I think the sanitary thing to do would be to get him a show towel.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Maurice: Well, that would mean the world to me.

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Daughter: Dad, I have friends that were models and got on that website and ended up being escorts.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Margaret: Oh, but did they make more money that way, though?

[Cut to Daughter and Christine]

Christine: You know what, I was quick to judge Mr. Henderson, but you’re growing. You deserve your own towel.

Daughter: No, no. Shh. Hold on with that, okay. My brain is scrambled right now. I’m trying to wrap my mind around how the dad who raised me, the daddest dad of them all, is on his knees on the kitchen counter over a towel, not shaking his butt, no, no, no, but slow descending it into a cake.

[Cut to Maurice]

Maurice: Well, I’m having a viral moment. Why can’t you be happy for me?

[Cut to Son]

Son: It’s just a whole lot, dad.

[Cut to Maurice]

Maurice: I could be on Ellen.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Ellen don’t do nasty, dad.

[Cut to Maurice]

Maurice: Are we forgetting that there was a cake involved. It’s not nasty, it’s beautiful.

[Cut to Christine checking her phone]

Christine: Mr. Henderson. You are on the home page. [Cut to everybody] You are the featured performer.

Maurice: Oh my god.

[Cut to Margaret and Maurice]

Margaret: Baby, we did it. Next stop Ellen.

[Cut to everybody]

Christine: I will make the cake. What flavor do you want to sit on?

Maurice: Red-velvet.

Riverdale | Season 44 Episode 12

Rick… Kenan Thompson

Betty… Halsey

Clapperboard person… Melissa Villaseñor

Corpse (Lionel Rodgers)… Pete Davidson

Jug-head… Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

[Starts with film shooting scene]

Rick: All right,I hope you people like pressure because we are shooting the season finale of ‘Rivaerdale’. All right, we are in a morgue and Betty has come to identify her cousin’s body with Jug-head, the sadness is pop-able.

Betty: Got it.

Rick: All right. Now, let’s make some ‘Dale’.

Clapperboard person: ‘Riverdale’, episode 57. Text me deadly. Rolling.

Rick: And action!

[Betty and Jug-head start acting]

Betty: Oh, Devin, I wanted to see the queen babe of this drop hive. But now all I want is to have my cousin back.

Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!

Betty: I love you.

Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!

Jug-head: He’ll always be in your heart.

Rick: Okay, let’s hold it. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] I’m sorry, excuse me. Actor  on the gurney, are you all right?

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Lionel Rodgers: Oh, yes. I’m good if you’re good.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: I’m not good. What were those sounds?

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Lionel Rodgers: Oh, just everyday corpse sounds. The usual hisses and moans you get from gas escaping the body. I’m sorry. I’m Lionel Rodgers. I play corpses. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person looking at him speechless] So I’ve been dead, what, [Cut to Lionel Rodgers] two or three days?

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: Yes, sure.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Corpse: Great, so I’d still be releasing a lot of gas. Right? So, I’ll give you some groans, some toots, so you have options.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: All right, We’re going again with no sounds from the corpse.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Corpse: Oh, I see. So you want this to be a totally inaccurate depiction of dead body.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: Yeah, exactly.

Betty: Rick, [Cut to Betty and Jug-head] can we go again before I lose the feeling?

Rick: Yes, yes, Lily, let’s pick it up [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] where we left off, please.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Corpse: [Singing] A fox ran into a volcano.[Then he lies down]

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: I hope that’s not a vocal exercise because you will not be speaking. Now, on your mark, get set, act!

[Cut to Betty and Jug-head acting]

Betty: Jug-head. I was an A1 River Vixen but now, it feels like nothing matters.

Jug-head: Betty, death is the wisest teacher in Riverdale.

[Corpse starts to shiver hard]

Alex Moffat: Betty. Jughead. You betrayed me.

Rick: Stop it!

[Cut to Betty and Jug-head]

Betty: Okay. Sorry, Rick. I know it was me.

Rick: You know, it was not you Lily. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] There was a man ridiculously, violently trashing next to you.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Lionel Rodgers: You said not to make any sounds. I was just convulsing the way a normal corpse would with no means to expel gas.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: All right. That is it. I want you out of here right now.

[Cut to Betty and Jug-head]

Jug-head: I don’t know, Rick. It sounds like this guy did his research.

Lionel Rodgers: I did, I did. [Cut to Lionel, Betty and Jug-head] I lived in a Morgue for three months.

Rick: Why?

Lionel Rodgers: Just sort of works out for me rent- wise.

Betty: Rick, I’m kind of digging the authenticity.

[Rick walks in]

Rick: People, trust me, when I have finished [Cut to Rick] weaving this episode of the ‘Dale’, all eyes will be on the hot teens and their steamy, antics. Not the corpse. Now please, no moans, no spasms, no movement. Action!

[Cut to Betty, Jug-head and corpse]

Lionel Rodgers: And cut. Look, [Cut to Lionel Rodgers] let me just make sure I understand what you want because you sir, you’re a terrible director. This woman lost her cousin. [Cut to Betty, Jug-head, Lionel Rodgers and Rick] she’s so overcome by grief, that she doesn’t notice he’s the only corpse in the history of the world that isn’t moaning and jerking around.

Rick: No.

Lionel Rodgers: So is the idea that she has brain damage?

Betty: Yes Rick, [Cut to Betty and Jug-head] it seems pretty weird I wouldn’t notice that my dead cousin isn’t moving.

Jug-head: Yeah. He does have a point.

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: Fine. I give up.  Failure for me is like slipping on an old coat. You all do what you want. Roll film!

[Clapperboard person joins]

Clapperboard person: This isn’t film.

[Cut to Betty, Jug-head and corpse start acting]

Betty: My poor, sweet Devin. What a cousin.

Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!

Jug-head: Death is bad, Betty.

Corpse: Avenge me!

Them Trumps: State of the Union | Season 44 Episode 12

Assistant… Halsey

Darius Trump… Kenan Thompson

Levanka… Ego Nwodim

Darius Jr… Chris Redd

Malika… Leslie Jones

Police Officer… Alex Moffat

[Starts with assistant walking looking at a file at the parking lot]

Assistant: Sir, your approval numbers have never been lower. But this state of the union might be our best chance of turning things around. Now, the big question is can you persuade people who never liked you in the first place?

Darius Trump: I wouldn’t worry about any of that. [Cut to Darius at the dark. His face cannot be seen.] All I need is a mic and an audience and I’m good to go. They all love [Darius walks a step ahead. He is black Donald Trump.] Darius Trump.

[Cut to the intro of ‘Them Trump’]

Narrator: From the producers of Empire. It’s Them Trumps. The first show to ask the question, “What if Donald Trump was black?” Darius Trump. His wife, Malika. Darius Jr. and Lévanka. Together, they are Them Trumps.

[Cut to a running limousine]

Darius Jr.: Dad. [Cut to Darius Jr. and Levanka inside the limousine] You think the state of the union speech is going to set the hater’s straight?

[Cut to Darius Trump and his assistant inside the limousine]

Darius Trump: Of course it is son. Now, come on, let’s get to the capitol so I can do what I do.

[Cut to Darius Jr. and Levanka inside the limousine]

Levanka: But dad. What about about the new allegations? The taxpayer funded golf vacations with Puff Daddy, all the lawsuits that come out of Trump Perm Academy?

[Cut to Darius Jr.]

Darius Jr.: And they still asked about Russia dad.

[Cut to Darius Trump and his assistant]

Darius Trump: Shh! Don’t nobody need to know about Russia. What happened between me and Russia is between me and Russia. That don’t concern them.

Malika: Well, [Cut to Malika] you better watch yourself. They’re saying Mueller is closing in and your house of cards is crashing down.

[Cut to Darius Trump and his assistant]

Darius Trump: Why you trying to play me, huh? I know how to deal with Mueller. I keep the white boys on a leash. [Cut to Darius Jr. and Levanka smiling] This is America. And even though I’m black–

[Cut to Darius Trump and his assistant]

Assistant: Okay, we are getting pulled over.

Darius Trump: Oh, I knew that was coming.

[The video stops and plays credit list]

[Cut to outro of ‘Them Trumps’]

Narrator: On the next Them Trumps—

[Cut to Police Officer talking to Darius Trump from window of the limosine]

Police Officer: License please, sir.

Darius Trump: Man, I’m not even driving.

Police Officer: I’m not asking again. License, now.

[Darius Trump hands his license to the police officer]

[Cut to Darius Jr.]

Darius Jr.: Be cool, dad.

Malika: We don’t [Cut to Malika] need you getting locked up.

[Cut to Darius Trump]

Darius Trump: Ain’t nobody getting locked up. This is ridiculous. I’m the American President and he’s going to have to recognize the fact that even though I’m a black man—

Police Officer: Sir, step out of the car.

Darius Trump: Yes, here we go. [Darius opens the door and steps out of the limousine] Somebody record it for Worldstar.

[Video stops and plays credit list]

Halsey Monologue | Season 44 Episode 12

Halsey

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, Halsey.

[The band is playing music]

[Halsey gets in the door and walks to the stage]

[The music stops]

[Cheers and applause]

Halsey: Thank you very much, guys. Thank you. It is so wild to be hosting SNL for the first time. Love you, too. [Laughter] My name is Halsey which fun fact is actually short for Halsey and Oatesy. So if you’re like, “Oh, Halsey, where do I know her from?” Basically, whenever you scream at your angsty daughter to turn down that music. I am that music. I grew up not too far from New York in New Jersey. [Cheers and applause] I was looking for a bigger response for New Jersey there. [Cheers and applause] If I don’t seem like I’m from New Jersey, I want you to know my real name is Ashley Nicolette. I bet everybody watching back home is on the couch like, “Ashley is on the TV. You remember Ashley.” “The singer? Nice girl, not for my son, but good for her.” [Laughter] And I primarily am a singer. But tonight I’m also the host. [Cheers and applause] Which is absolutely mind blowing because when I was a kid I was obsessed with SNL. I watched it every week and I always specially admired the women on this show. They never cared what they looked like, what they sounded like or what anybody thought of them. They were just funny. [Cheers and applause] And now, here I am, Ashley Nicolette, the singer hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’! [Cheers and applause]  We have a great show tonight. I can’t stop smiling. I’m here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Women of Congress | Season 44 Episode 12

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

Maxine Waters… Leslie Jones

Kyrsten Sinema… Cecily Strong

Annie Kuster… Aidy Bryant

Abigail Spanberger… Heidi Gardner

Rashida Tlaib… Halsey

[Starts with intro of Women of Congress]

Narrator: Once upon a time, there were women. And then they became fed up women. And then they became congress women. They fight crime, they right wrongs. They wear white. But they\re not all white and we love them. They’re the Women of Congress! Featuring [Cut to Nancy Pelosi clapping] Nancy ‘Madam Clap Back’ Pelosi.

Nancy Pelosi: I’m so woke. I can’t close my eyes.

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez using her mobile phone]

Narrator: Alexandria ‘I Say What I meme’ [Alexandria throws her phone to hit the security guard] Ocasio-Cortez.

Melissa Villaseñor: You’retrying to rip apart my green new deal. Leave me alone, I will dog walk you.

[Cut to Maxine Waters showing off her kung-fu moves]

Narrator: Maxine ‘Don’t Go Chasing’ Waters.

Maxine Waters: They call me auntie Maxine but I’m gonna make Trump say ‘Uncle’.

[Cut to Kyrsten Sinema]

Narrator: Kyrsten ‘Kookie Arizona Lady’ Sinema.

Kyrsten Sinema: I used to be in the house. But now I’m in the senate. I’m bicameral, bipartisan, and bi. Deal with it.

[Cut to Ilhan Omar climbing the building from the outside]

Narrator: Ilhan ‘Get The Hi-Job Done’ Omar.

Ilhan Omar: I’m a proud Muslim woman and proud American. When Ted Cruz sees me, he crosses the street.

[Cut to Annie Kuster]

Narrator: Annie ‘Raise the Roof ’Kuster.

[Annie raising her hand up and down]

Annie Kuster: Raise the roof! And break that glass ceiling.

[Cut to Abigail Spanberger showing her Kung-fu moves]

Narrator: Abigail, ‘Say My Name, Say My Name’ Spanberger.

Abigail Spanberger: My opponents thought he could hurt me by saying a vote for me was a vote for Nancy Pelosi.

[Nancy joins Abigail]

Nancy Pelosi: Uh-huh. How did that work out? Good?

[Cut to Rashida Tlaib]

Narrator: And Rashida ‘Impeach The Mother****’ Tlaib.

Rashida Tlaib: Impeach the mother** [Bleep]. Bitch!

Narrator: They are the Women of Congress.

[Cut to video clip of White house]

[Cut to all Women of Congress inside a room]

Nancy Pelosi: Ladies, this is a message from President Trump.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi playing the voice message]

Donald Trump: Congratulations, women of congress. You know, since I’ve been president, we have more women serving in congress than ever before.

[Cut to Annie Kuster]

Annie Kuster: You don’t get to take credit for that.

[Cut to Rashida Tlaib]

Rashida Tlaib: That is not because of you. That’s in spite of you!

[Cut to everyone complaining out loud] [Cut to Rashida Tlaib breaks the speaker from there the message isplayin]

[Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: And you’re not rich!

[Cut to outro of The Women of Congress]

Narrator: They are the women of congress!

Meet The Press Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 12

Chuck Todd… Kyle Mooney

Eugene Robinson… Kenan Thompson

Peggy Noonal… Cecily Strong

Donna Brazile… Leslie Jones

Wilbur Ross… Kate McKinnon

Matt Whitaker… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Meet the Press intro]

[Cut to Chuck Todd in his news set]

Chuck Todd: Hello, and welcome to Meet the Press. I’m Chuck Todd and I’m still figuring out my whole look. As always, I’m joined by the leading journalists in the world. Pulitzer prize winning columnist for The Washington Post. Eugene Robinson.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Thank you for having me.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Best selling author and colonist for the “Wall Street Journal,” Peggy Noonan.

[Cut to Peggy Noonan]

Peggy Noonan: Hi Chuck.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: And political strategist, author and former chair of the DNC, Donna Brazile.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: Great to be here.

Chuck Todd: All right. Let’s start with what [Cut to everybody] everyone’s talking about and a new low for journalism, the ‘National Enquirer’ [Cut to Chuck Todd] was accused this week of blackmailing Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos. You are all highly respected journalists. So when all is said and done, what do you think Jeff Bezos’ penis is going to look like?

[Cut to Donna Brazile, she looks confused]

Donna Brazile: Excuse me?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: I know, normally high minded journalists would not talk about something like this, but it does involve the richest man in America and the president of the United States. So, Jeff Bezos’ penis. [Cut to Peggy Noonan] What do you think it’s going to look like?

Peggy Noonan: I’m going to jump right in, Chuck. Now, when I hear billionaire’s penis, I immediately think small potatoes. Like they say, if it’s small and looks funny, you better have the money, honey.

[Cut to Peggy and Donna]

Donna Brazile: Small potatoes?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Eugene, your thoughts?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Well as a journalist, this is not something I thought I would have to cover. But as a human being, I’m naturally curious. Is he working with something the size of an Amazon Echo or is it more of a dot?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: My money is on Echo. Now, there are obviously major implications for the story beyond Jeff Bezos’s penis. It brings us back to blackmail and invasion of privacy and potentially even crimes committed by foreign agents. My question is, what do you think the coloration is like?

[Cut to Peggy and Donna]

Donna Brazile: Oh, my god, Chuck?

Peggy Noonan: I will take this one. I think it’s going to be [Cut to Peggy Noonan] splotchy, Chuck. A man his age, plus he’s a runner and it’s probably jangled around a lot down there over time. That’s going to lead to patchy sections.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: No, no. I completely disagree, Peggy. He’s a man of means, so I’m sure there are oils and precious minerals that can smooth and replenish that.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: What is happening right now.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Eugene, what do you think this says about our country in general?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: It’s a disgraceful. It’s awful. I mean this is a clear violation of someone’s privacy.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: And what about when the pictures do come out?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: I will look at them. I will make them into hilarious memes and send them to all my friends.

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Now, obviously the mainstream media has a responsible to handle the story in a mature, adult manner. As you can see, from the New York post headline, [Chuck takes a newspaper out with a headline ‘Bezos exposes Pecker’ out] ‘Bezos exposes Pecker’. Eugene, what do you think of that?

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: It’s insane. You call yourself a respectable publication? I would have gone with your [Eugene takes a newspaper out with a headline ‘Amazon package is on its way’ out] ‘Amazon package is on its way’. That’s you just me.

[Cut to Peggy Noonan]

Peggy Noonan: That’s interesting see. I would have done [Peggy takes a newspaper out with a headline ‘Stroke of genius, Bezos gives pecker the shaft’ out] ‘Stroke of genius, Bezos gives pecker the shaft’.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: Did you guys make your own fake headlines?

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: All right, let’s pivot away from penises for a moment.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Awe!

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: And focus on the state of the union. The president used the speech to champion his tax cuts and policy of deregulation. Here to explain further is the secretary of commerce, billionaire Wilbur Ross.

[Cut to Wilbur Ross]

Wilbur Ross: Hello. I’m sorry. Before we started the producer put something in my ear and I have been hearing ghosts.

[Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Wilbur Ross at the right]

Chuck Todd: Wilbur, that’s just an earpiece so you can hear what we are seeing.

Wilbur Ross: But it sounded like you kept saying penis.

Chuck Todd: Yes, we were talking about the Jeff Bezos story.

Wilbur Ross: I don’t want to talk about penises. I’m not one of the guys. I like watching sports and drinking a cold glass of blood.

Chuck Todd: Okay great. So, Mr. Ross, you are familiar with this story then?

Wilbur Ross: Yes, of course. I know what a dick pic is. [Cut to Wilbur Ross] When you hire the services of 10 homeless gentlemen and they show you their penises and you pick one and say, “Let’s switch”, and you give them $100 and now their penis is your penis. But choose carefully because if it’s too big, you will fall over.

[Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Wilbur Ross at the right]

Chuck Todd: Okay, my thanks to Mr. Ross. [Cut to Chuck Todd] Of course yesterday congressional testimony from acting Attorney General Mathew Whitaker turned extremely contentious. Here with his side of the story is Matt Whitaker.

[Cut to Matt Whitaker]

Matt Whitaker: Yeah, what?

Chuck Todd: Mr. Whitaker?

Matt Whitaker: Hurry up, Chuck. I don’t got a lot of time.

[Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Matt Whitaker at the right]

Chuck Todd: Very true. You are almost done with your tenure in the Justice Department.

Matt Whitaker: Yes, that’s right. I was U.S. Attorney General for three months and soon I will go back to my job of breaking up fights on the Jerry Springer show.

Chuck Todd: Sir, the Justice Department investigates the claims that Jeff Bezos has made against the enquirer and the president.

[Cut to Matt Whitaker]

Matt Whitaker: I don’t have a lot of Sympathy for Jeff Bezos. Every time I post a photo of myself it gets flagged as a dick pic.

Chuck Todd: Just to be clear, president Trump [Cut to split screen of Chuck Todd at the left and Matt Whitaker at the right] ever directed you interfere in the Mueller investigation?

Matt Whitaker: Well, you know what, chuck? [Cut to Matt Whitaker] I’m going to say something I left out of my testimony. This is going to blow everything out of the water here. Mr. Trump called me and whispered to me –

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: I’m sorry to interrupt, but the Bezos pics have actually come out at this very moment.

[Cut to Eugene Robinson]

Eugene Robinson: Oh, Christmas in February!

[Cut to Chuck Todd]

Chuck Todd: Let’s stay on this topic for the entire show and live from New York, it’s a Saturday Night.