Year: 2019

Michael Cohen Hearing Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 14

Rep. Elijah Cummings … Kenan Thompson

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Jim Jordan… Bill Hader

Jackie Speier… Heidi Gardner

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz… Kate McKinnon

Rep. Paul Gosar… Kyle Mooney

Rep. Mark Meadows… Alex Moffat

[Starts with C-SPAN channel program schedule]

Narrator: You’re watching C-Span. Sorry, I read that wrong. You’re watching C-Span? We now tune into congressional oversight committee hearing where president Trump’s personal lawyer, [Cut to Michael Cohen Testimony house oversight committee] Michael Cohen is about to give sworn testimony.

[Cut to congressmen and congresswomen sitting for the testimony]

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: All rise. All right. I would like to get this hearing under way. I want this to stay professional. Okay? If you hear something outrageous, please do not ‘Ooh’ and ‘Ah’. This is not ‘Married with Children’. Also, I’m told that I should tease this, because it’s all anyone cares about anyone. Coming up, a performance by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. She smiles, winks and greets.]

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

All right. Now, for any other president, this hearing would be the most damning and humiliating moment of their lives, but for Trump it’s just Wednesday. So, please welcome our witness, Mr. Michael Cohen. [Cut to Michael Cohen takes seat] Thank you for joining us today, Mr. Cohen.

[Michael Cohen trying to figure out who is talking to him]

Michael Cohen: Sorry, who said that?

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m right here. I’m right here in front of you.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Elijah Cummings at the left and Michael Cohen at the right]

Michael Cohen: Oh, there you are. All right. Thank you.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Now, Mr. Cohen, I understand you would like to read a prepared statement.

Michael Cohen: Yes, your honor. If it pleases the court.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m not a judge. I’m a congressman. And Mr. Cohen, you wrote this statement yourself?

Michael Cohen:  Yes. But I had some help from the guys who wrote ‘Green Book’.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Okay. You may begin.

Michael Cohen: Ladies and gentlemen of jury.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Not a court.

Michael Cohen: Thank you [Cut to Michael Cohen] for inviting me here today to correct the record under oath. Of course, the first time I testified was also under oath. But this time, I like, really mean it. I’m here today to tell you that Mr. Trump is a racist. [Michael Cohen pauses expecting reaction from the committee] Wow. I thought there would be a bigger reaction. But he’s also a con man and a cheat. And to prove it, I’m providing the committee today with several documents. This is a check that Mr. Trump wrote me as reimbursement for ‘hush’ money paid to Stormy Daniels. [Cut to Donald Trump’s check of $35,000 named to Michael Cohen] [Cut to Michael Cohen] And this is a copy of the check I wrote to miss Daniels. [Cartoon check of $130,000 named to Stephine Clifford, a.k.a Stormy Daniels] [Cut to Michael Cohen] I’m also including a copy of the threatening letter I sent to Mr. Trump’s high school, warning them not to release his SAT scores. In conclusion, I know that I was wrong. And I know it because I got caught. For too many years, I was loyal to a man when I should not have been, now I know how Khloe Kardashian feels.  But now, I’m all out of faith. This is how I feel. I’m cold and I’m ashamed and lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed into something real. I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn. Thank you.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Great. Now, I’d like to open the floor so the republicans can get angry at everyone except the president. The chair recognizes the congressman from Ohio, Mr. Jordan.

[Cut to Jim Jordan very angry]

Jim Jordan: Good afternoon, Mr. Chariman. Good afternoon to you, you lying piece of [yelling] human trash!

[Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Thank you, I really appreciate that. [Michael Cohen trying to find who is talking to him]

Jim Jordan: Where are you looking? I’m right here!

Michael Cohen: Oh, hey. Great. Thank you.

Jim Jordan: Mr. Chairman, you’re right. I’m angry. I’m angry that I have to sit here through this two-bit dirt bag flee circus. [Cut to Jim Jordan] I’m so angry I couldn’t even wear a jacket today. You know something, Mr. Cohen. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] I’ve never even heard of you!

Michael Cohen: Your mother has.

Jim Jordan: Hey, hey, hey. You don’t sass me, with your liar mouth. Oh, I’m about to [yelling] pop off! You have been working in some of the sleaziest circles in America for years. What other criminals and lowlifes have you worked for?

Michael Cohen: I was the deputy finance chairman for the republican party.

Jim Jordan: What? Is that true? Oh, Damn it. I yield of the rest of my time.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Okay. The chair recognizes the congresswoman from California, Mrs. Speier.

[Cut to Jackie Speier]

Jackine Speier: Yeah, I would like to yield my time back to Jim Jordan, so he can continue digging his own grave.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Aw, damn it! Okay. Fine, fine. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] Mr. Cohen—[Michael Cohen trying to find who is talking to him] I’m right here! I’m right in front of you!

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m sorry, Mr. Cohen. Are you having trouble identifying where sounds are coming from?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: I am. Thank you.

[Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Jim Jordan: Unreal. Mr. Cohen, why are we supposed to believe you now? I mean, you lied about Trump being a good guy. You lied about Trump not committing any crimes. You lied about Trump not– damn it, I’m doing it again. [Cut to Jim Jordan] Come back to me. Damn it! Idiot!

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: The chair recognizes the congresswoman from Florida. Mrs. Wasserman Schultz.

[Cut to Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz]

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Yes, hello. Debbie Wasserman Schultz. Hold for groans. Hold for groans. Mr. Cohen, for this portion of the hearing, I would like us both to lean into our New York accents so hard, that our viewers will think they’re stuck line at Zabar’s. Is that all right?

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Forget about it.

Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz: Thank you chairman. I yield rest of my time to Jim Jordan as a prank on him.

[Cut to Jim Jordan]

Jim Jordan: Oh, [yelling] come on! Okay fine. You want to prank? I’m going to quote directly from the southern district document against Mr. Cohen. [Cut to split screen. Jim Jordan at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.] Okay, Mr. Cohen appears to have lost his moral compass. Burn! Mr. Cohen has pled guilty to a smorgasbord a fraudulent activity.

Michael Cohen: Yeah, and right after that it says, “At the direct of President Trump.”

Jim Jordan: It does? [yelling] Oh, damn it. [Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings] Come back to me.

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Oh, I absolutely will. The congressman recognizes the congressman from Arizona. Mr. Gosar.

[Cut to Rep. Paul Gosar]

Rep. Paul Gosar: Yeah, I just want to say one thing, Mr. Cohen. You are a path– pathro- pathlo– pathological [yelling] liar. You don’t even know truth from frictionals.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Paul Gosar at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Michael Cohen: Excuse me?

Rep. Paul Gosar: Hey, [yelling] no! I’m trucking here. When it’s your truck, you truck! You are the liar. That has been estabrished. [Cut to Rep. Paul Gosar] That’s why I put this up. [There’s a poster of Michael Cohen that says ‘Liar, liar, pants on fire’] Liar, liar, pants are fire. [yelling] Do you know what that means?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: Honesly, not really. I’m having trouble understanding a lot what you are saying.

[Cut to split screen. Rep. Paul Gosar at the left and Michael Cohen at the right.]

Rep. Paul Gosar: I will tell you what it means, Mr. Lohan. It means if you lie, pants are fire. If you truth, pants are goof.

Michael Cohen: Do you need medical attention?

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Wow, that was out standing. The chair recognizes the congressman from North Carolina.

[Cut to Rep. Mark Meadows]

Rep. Mark Meadows: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Now, I couldn’t help but hear Mr. Cohen call the president a racist. But it just so happens that I brought with me a black woman [Ego Nwodim comes in] and she works for Trump, don’t you? [Ego Nwodim nods her head] Uh-huh. Her name is Omarosa.

Ego Nwodim: No, no.

Rep. Mark Meadows: And she has stood by Trump’s side since the first season of the apprentice.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, that is not me. Can I leave?

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Oh, yes. Absolutely. Save yourself because I am shutting this down right now so I can give a quick sermon to call everybody in this room a damn fool. Because you all have lost your damn minds. But this hearings has been going on for seven hours so let’s take a break and then, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will probably do a dance, is that right?

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: No, I was going to ask carefully researched questions.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: Yeah, clearly that is not what today is about. Mr. Cohen, any final words?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: Yes, your honor. Look, maybe I’m not a good person. Maybe I’m a liar. Maybe I’m a fool. Maybe I ruined hundreds of people’s lives.

[Cut to Rep. Elijah Cummings]

Rep. Elijah Cummings: I’m sorry. Is there a but coming?

[Cut to Michael Cohen]

Michael Cohen: No, there isn’t Thank you. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Alec Baldwin Returns to SNL | Season 44 Episode 13

[Starts with Alec Baldwin at his makeup room. He is getting makeover of Donald Trump.]

Donald Trump: Tremendous to be here. Just tremendous. [Alec Baldwin wears coat and a wig] My fans love when I play this. But it’s clear something hasn’t changed. [Donald Trump is walking to the stage] The point is, my presidency has been successful. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Don Cheadle Didn’t Get the SNL Cast a Valentine’s Day Gift | Season 44 Episode 13

Don Cheadle

Pete Davidson

Gary Clark Jr.

[Starts with Don, Pete and Gary on SNL stage]

Don Cheadle: I am Don Cheadle and I am hosthing SNL with musical guest, Gary Clark Jr.

Pete Davidson: You got to sing. The Groundhog is going see it Cheadle.

Don Cheadle: Pete. That was weeks ago.

Pete Davidson: What happened?

Don Cheadle: It’s on shadow.

Pete Davidson: Oh, back to bed.

Don Cheadle: No, Pete, no.

Pete Davidson: Hey man. I thought this is the Groundhog.

[Retake]

Don Cheadle: Hey, I am Don Cheadle and I am nosthing SNL with Gary Clark Jr.

Pete Davidson: Yo, man. Just make me an avenger.

Don Cheadle: No. Pete, we talked about this.

Pete Davidson: Come on! They let everybody be an avenger.

Don Cheadle: That’s not my call man.

Gary Clark Jr.: Really? Because you told me that I–

Don Cheadle: Shh!

Pete Davidson: That’s cold.

[Retake]

Don Cheadle: Hey, I am Don Cheadle and I am hosthing SNL with musical guest, Gary Clark Jr.

Pete Davidson: Hey, what did you get the cast for Valentine’s day?

Don Cheadle: Oh, is that something that the host is supposed to do?

Pete Davidson: Yes, you didn’t get us anything?

Don Cheadle: I didn’t know, man.

Gary Clark Jr.: Damn!

Pete Davidson: Colin’s going to be mad.

Don Cheadle: Sorry Colin.

SNL Host Don Cheadle and Alex Moffat Are Buddy Cops | Season 44 Episode 13

Don Cheadle

Alex Moffat

[Starts with Don Cheadle and Alex Moffat running in the backstage in a police uniforms] [They high-five]

Narrator: He’s tough.

[Cut to Don Cheadle pointing the gun]

Don Cheadle: Freeze!

Narrator: He’s no nonsense.

[Cut to Alex Moffat falling and then pointing the gun]

Alex Moffat: You’re busted bud.

[Cut to Don and Alex exercising]

[Cut to Don and Alex sitting and having snacks]

Walkie-Talkie: Dispatch. We’ve got a 1033 on Howard Street.

Don Cheadle: On it. [Don and Alex run to their duty]

[Alex comes back and tries to finish their snacks]

Don Cheadle: Partner!

[Cut to Don and Alex running]

[Cut to Alex jump to the SNL stage and trying to flip and hold the gun]

[Cut to Alex and Don on SNL stage. Alex shoots up.]

Don Cheadle: Why would you do that?

Alex Moffat: What’s up?

Narrator: And together, [Cut to Don and Alex coming out of the door] they have absolutely no authority whatsoever within the walls of 30-rock.

Don Cheadle: Wait, what? [Cut to Don Cheadle] You said whoever hosts the show gets to run security.

Alex Moffat: Oh, no! [Cut to Alex Moffat]I was just suggesting we do a buddy cop sketch or something.

[Cut to Alex and Don]

Don Cheadle: Oh, we both have a working gun.

Alex Moffat: Needo, huh?

[Cut to the security approaching Don and Alex]

Security: Hey, drop the weapons.

Alex Moffat: Run!

Don Cheadle: We have the guns, why are we running?

Alex Moffat: Trust me on this. Also, I don’t think you’re hosting anymore bud.

Don Cheadle: What?

Alex Moffat: Ah, you’ll find out.

Don Cheadle Monologue | Season 44 Episode 13

[Starts with SNL intro]

Announcer: [Band is playing the music] Ladies and gentlemen, Don Cheadle.

[Don Cheadle gets in the door. He runs to the stage and dances.]

Don Cheadle: Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. It is so great to be here. I entered ‘The Avengers Host SNL’ Raffle, and I won! [Cheers and applause] So this is my first time hosting, and I think I waited this long, because I’m a little O.C.D. about my projects. I was in the movie ‘Traffic’. Then I was in ‘Rush Hour’. Then I was in ‘Crash’. So that had to be in the right order.[Laughter] I’ve been in show business for over 30 years and a lot of people know me. And a whole lot of people, you know, they sort of know me. I get was I called ‘Percussive recognition’. People are like – [Acting as if he’s trying to get the person’s name, snapping fingers] “oh, you’re, um—um—’ , you know, the longer it goes on, it kind of turns into a Tito Puente thing like—[Act of Tito Puente, snapping fingers] [Laughter]. But when you’ve played as many characters as I have, you’ve got fans from a lot of different things. It’s gotten to the point where I know what people recognize me from based on the face they make when they walk up. You know if I get a dude with a face like— [Face expression as if being proud] I know it’s ‘Boogie Nights’. If I get this – [Joining hands and crying face expression] that’s ‘Hotel Rwanda’ face. And if I get this – [Face expression as if being shocked] well, that’s the face of a true fan who realizes he’s about to meet ice tray from the ‘Homeboy, Sweet Homeboy’ episode of ‘Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’. ! [Cheers and applause]

And really, look, I love any fan who wants to meet me. Especially the people from New York city. I love New Yorkers, because they are direct. Most places, it’s “Hey, can I take a picture?” But in New York it’s like, “Yo, man, let’s get this pic dawg”. [Laughter] And you know they’re not gonna stop with just one. We got three options. We gotta get the goofy one, and we gotta get the serious one, and then all of a sudden I’m taking a picture of just them. [Laughter] I’m not even in it thing. I’m always happy to take a picture. The key is, if you got to wait for the proper  because—

[Leslie Jones joins Don Cheadle]

Leslie Jones: Yeah! That’s all I need to hear, baby. Yeah! Let’s get this thing man. [Leslie starts getting selfies with Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: I’m kind of in the middle of my monologue right now.

Leslie Jones: Oh, we getting this pic. Say ‘Rwanda Forever’.

Don Cheadle: All right. Rwanda Forever.

Leslie Jones: Now take a picture of me [Leslie passes her phone to Don] and make it look like I ain’t looking.

Don Cheadle: I got you. I got you. [Leslie poses] We’re good.

Leslie Jones: Oh my god. Thank, Don! We gotta have a great show tonight. It’s Don Cheadle is here!

Don Cheadle: Hey, Gary Clark Jr.! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

[Ends with Leslie and Don taking more selfies]

Pound Puppy | Season 44 Episode 13

Don Cheadle

Ego Nwodim

Beck Bennett

Heidi Gardner

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with romantic evening clips of three different couples]

Narrator: Tonight’s the night. Just the two of you. No phones, no emails. Just you and the one you love. Time to tune out the world an tune into each other. You earned this moment and nothing is going to get in your way. Unless you own a dog.

[Cut to a dog watching]

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Don Cheadle in bed]

Ego Nwodim: Your dog is watching us. To your crate.

[Don Cheadle looks at the dog]

Ego Nwodim: To your crate. To your crate.

Don Cheadle: Go to your crate.

[Cut to the dog still looking at them]

[Cut to another dog barking]

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett: Stop. He thinks you’re attacking me.

Heidi Gardner: Just put him in the laundry room.

[Cut to the dog barking]

Beck Bennett: With his anxiety? Yeah, right.

[Cut to Alex Moffatt and Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: We’re just talking, lady bug. [Cut to another dog staring at them] Everything is fine.

[Cut to Alex Moffatt and Melissa Villaseñor]

Alex Moffat: Go in the hall, we’ll be three minutes.

Melissa Villaseñor: Three minutes?

[Cut to the clips of the couples being disappointed]

Narrator: Don’t let your fur baby ruin the intimate moment you waited for all week. Now you don’t have to. [Couples unboxing the package of Pound Puppy] With Pound Puppy, the furry dog costume big enough for two people to have sex in. [Clip of couples getting inside the big dog costume] [The big dog costume is moving as couples are having sex][Moaning sex voices] Once inside, you can go to town and your down will just think there is a much larger dog in the room. With “Pound Puppy” you get the privacy you need and your dog has a new best friend. Suitable for any style of lovemaking. Need to check on your dog? Just use the mascot style eyes.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim watching the dog from the big dog costume’s eyes]

Ego Nwodim: He’s buying it.

[Cut to Don Cheadle inside the costume]

Don Cheadle: I think it’s working a little bit too well.

[Cut to dog trying to have sex with the dog costume]

Narrator: Throw your dog and yourself a bone with “Pound Puppy”. Your dog will smile while you doggy style. Available in the adult section of PETCO.

Fresh Takes | Season 44 Episode 13

Justin Purcell… Mikey Day

Scott Partec… Alex Moffat

Chrissy Lake… Kate McKinnon

Mr. Paul… Don Cheadle

Miles… Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Nurse… Leslie Jones

[Starts with TV channel program schedule]

[Cut to Fresh Takes intro]

[Cut to Justin Purcell at his set]

Justin Purcell: Good morning, class of 2022. This is ‘Fresh Takes’, the only news show made by and for Lincoln High Freshmen. I’m Justin Purcell. Alongside the panel, [Cut to Justin and Scott] my best friend, Scott Partec who asked Amy Zofried to winter formal this morning. So, what’d she say?

[Cut to Scott Partec]

Scott Partec: She said, “Yes, as friends”.

[Cut to Justin and Scott]

Justin Purcell: Oh! Kind of sucks. [Cut to Justin Purcell] Also on the panel, Chrissy Lake who just got her braces off and can’t stop licking her teeth.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: I’m sorry. It’s, like, so slimy. I love it.

[Cut to Justin Parcell]

Justin Purcell: And lastly, one of our favorite guest returns. Earth science teacher Mr. Paul is here with all that teacher gossip.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: That’s right. Last time I was here I got in trouble for revealing things about my coworkers that they told me in confidence. Buy, hey, there’s a reason I don’t work at Chipotle. I spill all the beans.

[Cut to everyone at the panel]

Justin Purcell: Yeah, you do. Maybe a little too much sometimes.

Mr. Paul: Oh, I got more dirt than a dugout. [Cut to Mr. Paul] Including which teacher drives an Uber on the weekends. Oh, and it will blow your mind. It will also make you sad.

[Cut to Justin Parcell]

Justin Purcell: All right. We are discussing all the top stories and the freshman class is talking about today.

[Cut to Scott Partec]

Scott Partec: That’s right.  We’ve got this coupon, Jamie Isaac’s pool party last weekend. We’ll run down who wore a T-shirt in the pool and why they said they did.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake:  But first our top story. Lots of popular kids are getting cold sores. How? And why? For the answers, let’s go to Miles who is on Cold Sore Watch.

[Cut to intro of Cold Sore Watch]

[Cut to Miles at his set]

Miles: Thanks Chrissy, why don’t you say we go ahead and break this down. So far, 12 cool kids in at least 5 different cliques got a cold sore. What do they all have in common? All 12 went on the Ski Club Trip last week which we’ve learned got pretty crazy.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Oh, yeah, I chaperoned that trip. I didn’t give them vodka, but I didn’t take it away either.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Okay. Anyway, all 12 participated in a game of ‘Spin the bottle’ that we believe was ground zero for this nasty bacon lip.

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: Scary stuff. Miles, what can students do to avoid getting the kiss blister?

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: Well, obviously, avoid kissing randos. Drinking from the water fountains. And until this thing cools down, I’m sorry, guys, no sharing Juuls. Also, Chrissy, look at the screen.

[The screen shows a proposal, “Krissy, will you go to winter formal with me?”]

[Cut to Crissy Lake]

Crissy Lake: Oh, sorry, no, I’m going with Brett Weiss.

[Cut to Miles]

Miles: I know, I was joking. All right, bye.

[Miles leaves]

[The screen shows the message “SHE SAID YES!”]

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Oh, man. That was rough. If I was that kid, I would change schools.

[Cut to Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: I don’t know about that. Time to pay some bills. ‘Fresh Takes’ is sponsored in part by Rap Battle Club.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Aidy Bryant]

Chris Redd: Join Rap Battle Club and learn to spit mad bars and battle like this. Okay, here we go.

Listen, girl, your shoes are whack!

Aidy Bryant: What? You have no idea what I’m going through right now.

[Cut to Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: All right, maybe sure she’s okay. Looks like the school nurse has an announcement. Let’s go there live.

[Cut to Nurse]

Nurse: Yeah, the results of the JV wrestling team’s ring worm check are in. The following students have ring worm. The entire JV wrestling team. So nasty. Thank you.

[Cut to everybody at the panel]

Scott Partec: Okay, all right. Well, Mr. P., it’s time to get some gossip on our teachers.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: Ha-ha. I thought you’d never ask. Okay, guess which teacher over 50 is shredded. Mr. Burke. I was curious about this body as I am with everyone’s. So I accidentally spilled some coffee on his shirt and he lost his shirt, but he won my respect. Sholey-guacamole, that old man shredded like Cheddar. I saw all the usual suspects, pecs, abs and the vicious V. You know what I’m talking about, right?

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Not really.

[Cut to Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: You know, the V, those two little lines that move down where all lanes merge. Hold on, let’s see if I have one. There it is. Well.

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Mr. P. What are you doing?

[Cut to Kissy and Mr. Paul]

Mr. Paul: I do not know. But hey, guess which cool teacher showed up at the senior Megan Campbell’s party on Saturday with some weed edibles. Between you and me, it was me. [Mr. Paul’s phone receives messages] Oh, there goes my phone. I am in big trouble. That’s strike three for old Mr. P.

[Cut too Justin Purcell]

Justin Purcell: Oh-oh. Well, we need to break for pledge of allegiance.

[Cut to everybody at the panel]

Scott Partec: Yep, so don’t go anywhere.

Justin Purcell: But if you do go anywhere, go as friends. Ha-ha-ha. Sorry.

[Ends with outro]

Weekend Update: Supercentenarian Mort Fellner | Season 44 Episode 13

Mort Fellner… Mikey Day

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: A recent report found the United States has the highest number of super centenarians, people 110 years or older. Here with the latest goings on on the super centenarian community is super centenarian, Mort Fellner.

[Mort Fellner joins with papers in his hands]

Mort Fellner: I have papers. I’m a news man like you.

Colin Jost: That’s great, Mort.

Mort Fellner: What?

Colin Jost: That’s great.

Mort Fellner: I thought I’d share some super things that America’s over 700 super centenarians are up to.

Colin Jost: That sounds great.

[Cut to Mort Fellner]

Mort Fellner: Okay. 118 year old Edith Farmer has been in the news this week.

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. What did she do?

Mort Fellner: She passed away Tuesday of natural causes.

Colin Jost: Oh, no. That’s not where I thought that was going.

Mort Fellner: Hey, Colin. How old is too old to skydive?

Colin Jost: You know what? I’m going to say you are never too old to skydive.

[Cut to Mort Fellner]

Mort Fellner: Yeah! Well, 116 year old Josie Baits said the same thing.

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Great.

Mort Fellner: Go, Josie. She went to Cloud Town skydiving school on Monday [Cut to Mort Fellner] and ascended to 20,000 feet and kept on going up to heaven. She passed away peacefully on the plane of natural causes.

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. All right. Let’s maybe change the subject a little. Are there any fun super centenarian events coming up?

Mort Fellner: Yup! Mark your calendars. Next month’s annual super centenarian prom–

Colin Jost: That’s fun.

[Cut to Mort Fellner]

Mort Fellner: — has been canceled following the passing of it’s organizer, 113 year old Rose Dally.

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: More of something that ends on a more pleasant note.

Mort Fellner: How about Showbiz news.

Colin Jost: Great! Yeah!

[Cut to Mort Fellner]

Mort Fellner: Broadway, meet 114 year old Abner Burton who will join Hamilton next week –

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow!

Mort Fellner: –when he is laid to rest at Trinity Church Graveyard on Broadway in Lower Manhattan, the final resting place for Alexander Hamilton.

Colin Jost: Yeah. See, it’s actively misleading. All right, more– I’m sorry–

Mort Fellner: Hey, hey.

Colin Jost: Are there any headlines you got there about living super centenarians?

[Cut to Mort Fellner]

Mort Fellner: Yeah. Lifelong bachelor, 111 year old Mel Thomas became the country’s oldest newlywed last week when he married 99 year old Ethyl Birmingham–

[Cut to Mort Fellner and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Cradle robber, right?

Mort Fellner: — on her death bed, it was.

Colin Jost: Don’t pause.

Mort Fellner: Lastly, [Cut to Mort Fellner] 116 year old Gavin McLaughlin was awarded the 2019 sexiest super centenarian alive award, posthumously.

[Cut to Mort Fellner, Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Mort Fellner, everyone.

Mort Fellner: No! Can I meet Pete?

Colin Jost: No, you can’t. No. Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update: President Trump Declares a National Emergency | Season 44 Episode 13

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Tommy… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen] President Trump declared a national emergency yesterday and said we need a wall to stop the flow of drugs into our country. And to demonstrate how bad the problem is, trump spent 20 minutes doing his impressions of a coke addict.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speeches]

Donald Trump: It’s all a big lie. It’s a big con game. I don’t know what to do with all the money they’re giving us. It’s crazy. Eight billion or two billion or one and half billion—it’s gonna build a lot of wall. We give death penalty. Fire and fury. Total annihilation. The Nobel Peace prize. Probably never get it, but that’s okay, gave it to Obama. So that’s the story.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]

Colin Jost:  what a beautiful story it was. Trump then described in a sing-song voice how his decoration will face a lengthy legal challenge before he can actually act on it saying this.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speeches]

Donald Trump: And we will have a national emergency, and we will then be sued and they will sue us in the ninth circuit, even though it shouldn’t be there, and we will possibly get a bad ruling, and then we’ll get another bad ruling, and then we will end up in supreme court, and hopefully we’ll get a fair shake, and we’ll win to the supreme court, just like the band.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]

Colin Jost: [Colin talks in sing-song voice like Donald Trump] Oh, my god. That guy controls our nuclear weapons.

Watching that was like a [Picture changes to School House Rock’s picture] School House Rock had stroke. By the way, [Picture changes to Donald Trump giving speech outside the White House] you know what an actual national emergency is, the climate change that let the president give an outdoor press conference in the middle of February.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and the wall at the right top former of the screen]

Michael Che: I’m so tired of telling Donald Trump’s crazy jokes. I have been making fun of this dude and his dumb ass wall for so long, I got to be honest, now, I kind of want to see the wall. I mean, I never have seen anybody so confident in such a bad idea. It’s almost charming. Like when Colin thought [Picture changes to Colin Jost with cornrows hair] he could pull off cornrows. I’m not saying we should let him [Picture changes to Donald Trump and the wall] build the wall, but what if we let him do a power point presentation. A dramatic reenactment. I just want to see exactly what Trump thinks is going to happen when a Mexican cartel sees a wall. What do you think they’re gonna do? Shake their fists and turn around and walk home. Do you know how motivated you got to be to sell drugs? I know a guy that swallowed a bag of dope, pooped it out and washed it off, and then still sold it. You can’t build a wall to stop that kind of crimes man!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]

Colin Jost: And I don’t know if you noticed but Trump’s messaging on the wall keeps changing too. First it was ‘Build a wall’. Then he changed it to ‘Finish the Wall’ and then when he doesn’t finish the wall, it will be, ‘Actually The Wall Was Inside Of Us The Whole Time’. However, the deal with congress did provide funding for a 55-mile section of slats, and we actually have one of Trump’s best guys who is there right now. He’s already started building it. Did you finish that first section yet Tommy?

[Cut to Tommy in front of the wall. The slats are horizontally built like a ladder.]

Tommy: That’s right, this slats all ready to go, boss. Oh, that hurts, I think we built a ladder.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]

Colin Jost: That was it. Trump described increased violence at the border, but to be fair, he had air tight evidence to back it up.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: I used many stats.

Reporter: Could you share those stats with us?

Donald Trump: Let me tell you, you have stats that are far worse than the ones that I use. I use many stats.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the left top former of the screen]

Colin Jost: Many of them. Does anyone get the sneaking suspicion when he says many, he means zero. It’s like turning in a paper where the bibliography section just says many books.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of the wall at the right top former of the screen]

Michael Che: This wall is clearly racist. It’s just a way for the native Americans to blame brown people for their new heroin habit. Why didn’t they build a wall for us it in the 80s when we needed it. But the problem isn’t that drugs are coming in, the problem is people really want to get high. Address that part. If your wife is cheating on you, she is not going to stop because you built a wall around the house. You have to get the root of the actual problem, otherwise you just going to come home and find strange men running around in those slats.

Weekend Update: Jules on the Oscars – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Colin Jost

Jules… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: The Oscars are only a week away and there will be no host for the ceremony. Here with his take is self-described cultural renegade, Jules who sees things a little differently.

[Jules comes in]

Jules: Hi, hello. Ni-hao, Colin. It’s so …[Jules breathes in] intoxicating to be back.

Colin Jost: Really great. So what do you expect from the Oscars this year?

Jules: Well, first of all, growing up, [Cut to Jules] I wasn’t like other kids. I was a little un-orthodox, if that makes sense. If other kids were dressing up for Halloween, I was dressing up for Wednesday. If my peers were throwing around a football ball, I was gathering scraps of yarn for say, a puppet’s wig. So I guess I just see things a little differently.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: That’s great. I didn’t ask but that. Let’s talk about Oscars.

Jules: Oh, here’s a referee, Colin. [Cut to Jules] They open the envelope and the Oscar goes to a lightning bug squished on the ground yet still he glows. The sun light on an old fence covered in dust, or a little boy buying his first penny candy. Go on, Colin. [Cut to Jules and Colin] Close your eyes and taste it. Mmm. Taste your childhood.

Colin Jost: Dude, your hands are visibly dirty. So, just tell me. Are you going to watch the red carpet?

Jules:  I’ll watch and scoff, Colin. [Cut to Jules] Yes, they all ask who are you wear something? What I want to know is who are you being? I want to tell every actress I see, take your clothes off, I want to see what’s underneath.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: No, you can’t do that, man. That’s really bad.

Jules: Society wants to paint them like little dolls, [Cut to Jules] but they should be like dolls I had as a child, riddled with drift wood with really realistic genitalia.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: All right. So I don’t know, who do you think is going to win best picture?

Jules: Oh, that’s tough. [Cut to Jules] On one hand I’m rooting for Black Panther or I call it, Equal Panther. [Cut to Jules and Colin] I also loved Green Book. [Cut to Jules] The story of a wise black musician teaching a mentally challenged Italian man how to love.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: I don’t think he is mentally challenged.

Jules: No, no, no. See the movie. He was. But, here’s my real best picture, Colin. [Cut to Jules]  Open on a baby laughing. He knows nothing, yet he knows more than we ever will. Cut to a white hand touching a black hand, finally. Pan over a young man feeding old woman soup. Yum. Slam zoom into the old woman’s eye. We see World War II and at it’s entirety reverse shot revealed, the baby was filming it the entire time.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: The baby was filming World War II?

Jules: And laughing, yes. She was. Wow! Gratitude.

Colin Jost: Yeah, great. Great. That’s really Cool. I am just curious. I feel like I have to ask. Your primary source of income.

[Cut to Jules]

Jules: Oh, my father sold guns to Al Qaeda.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: Jules, everyone.

Jules: The Oscar goes to Whimsy.